Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “An Expanding Toolbox.”
As the concerts and festivities of the annual town Feria reach full swing, another valuable tool is utilized from my expanding toolbox – one called earplugs. After a late night of feeling as if I were on the front row of a rock concert, I wake up at 7:15 a.m. with those earplugs still dutifully performing their job. I have slept remarkably soundly considering the concert vibrations that shook my apartment walls last night.
After a relaxed Wednesday morning, April 24, 2013, I walk through extremely crowded and noisy streets filled with vendors who have migrated to the small Mayan village of San Marcos La Laguna, eagerly hawking their assorted wares. The narrow cobblestone streets are so crowded that I must dodge and dance around this person and that, slowly working my way to the less crowded road that meanders to the eastern edge of town, and to Keith’s porch.
An Obvious Setup
As I sit waiting for the public chocolate ceremony to start, I giggle inside as I take note of a very unusual-but-obvious pattern. Of the twenty-three people crowding onto this tiny porch today, most are here for the first time, and seventeen of them are men. It is a very unusual mix of people. A quick perceptive glance intuitively whispers that a majority of those present, including some of the women, are very resistant and stuck in their rational minds. I cannot say how I know this, I just do.
“This is going to be a very unique chocolate ceremony,” I silently giggle, recognizing that there must be a magical reason for such an obvious setup.
During the usual introductory “Glow Meditation,” I begin to experience very heavy pains in my solar plexus. As I check in with my heart, I am quite clear that I what I feel in my belly comes from reading the emotions of others. Even though the pain is very real, my heart is open, I am quite happy, and intuitions repeatedly tell me that the pain is not mine.
Later, as Keith addresses the group, generically talking about how some people on the porch today are very stuck, I briefly mention what I feel in my upper abdomen, asking Keith for confirmation of what I already know – that I am simply reading this emotion by feeling it in my own body.
“Oh yeah,” Keith responds confidently. “There is a very pronounced solar plexus heaviness on the porch today.”
Peaked Interest
Somewhere in this first hour, I begin to experience a strong headache at the center of my forehead. Initially, I believe this pain to be mine – perhaps an energetic blockage getting my attention, or maybe something trying to open. But as I meditatively sit down with the pain, pondering deeper, I get the clear feeling that this pain does not belong to me either – that it is also coming from reading the emotions of others.
“You ARE reading it,” Keith confirms when I soon ask about my third eye headache. “Someone on the porch today has a very powerful third eye … but they are putting out massive negative energy with it, and that is what you are picking up on.”
“Brenda is a powerful person who works at the group level, feeling the pains of others in her body,” Keith then surprises me by addressing the group.
It seems that today I am being set up for more experience in this area, and as Keith continues to educate others with ongoing conversation about group empaths, I take it as profound validation of what I am doing, and of what may be about to happen.
I am in very high energy, and my interest is peaked.
Powerful Tantrums
Very soon, Keith speaks gently-but-bluntly to a man who defiantly ignores every word out of Keith’s mouth, repeatedly not responding to direct questions and statements. After a few minutes of one-sided conversation, Keith then speaks to the whole group.
“There are a couple of people on the porch today with very powerful energy,” Keith speaks to us all, “but they are in tantrum rebellious mode, strangling the energy of the group, pulling it down for everyone.”
I am glad it is not me having to speak those words – words that resonate for me as solid truth. Keith indicates that he rarely does this, but makes it clear that he is very close to asking a couple of people to leave.
Again, Keith confronts the man who completely ignored him before, telling the man that he is locked in an inner child tantrum – that his energy is blocked at the neck, and that he is refusing to get in touch with his heart.
As I observe with heightened curiosity, I begin to realize that the man to whom Keith is talking is the one who is knowingly (or perhaps unknowingly) attacking the group energy, refusing to engage, pulling the energy down. Through it all, this man never acknowledges Keith’s words, never verbally responding in any way – but he does calm down a little.
“Brenda,” Keith asks a while later, “can you feel a difference in the group energy now?”
“Yeah,” I respond with surprise as I check in with my body. “My solar plexus is a lot more relaxed, and so is my forehead.
To my surprise, however, within a minute of sharing this feedback with Keith, those two painful areas again ramp up in intensity.
A Perfect Play
Through this all, I realize that I am observing a beautiful external mirror. Just yesterday, I wrote “Stories About Stories,” talking about a beautiful experience where I was given a glimpse of grace – an experience where personality stories were temporarily lifted from my experience – an experience that endured for several days.
I see the events on the porch today as an incredible stage play, personally acting out for me the nature of stuck, dysfunctional, oppressive, angry, rational-minded, dominant, tantrum-throwing, controlling, distorted masculine energy.
“And it is a beautiful opportunity for me to be transparent,” I ponder with a giggle. “It is an opportunity to embrace my loving power, joy, and light shadow, while recognizing that this same distorted masculine energy still dominates much of my inner reality.”
I focus on this opportunity as I go inside and imagine myself taking an elevator … higher … higher … up … up … up into the clouds … into the eighth chakra.
As I do so, I experience tingling beautiful energy at a physical level, but still no relief from the pains in my solar plexus and forehead. I am fine, however. I remain unattached to the events. I see everything around me as perfect.
Renewed Space Trampling
Except for the occasional comment, the porch remains extremely quiet. Only two of the seventeen men speak up and ask for guidance – and one of them does so in writing because he himself is in silence. Keith briefly speaks to a third man, commenting on a very nice energy flow that he has in his crown.
But the rest of the men and women just sit and say absolutely nothing – appearing bored, angry, defiant, rebellious, numb, stuck, or disinterested.
You name it … I see it all around me. It is so obvious and unusual that I cannot help but know that at some level, I created this experience as my teacher.
Soon, one man who stereotypically is not wearing a shirt then lies down and sticks his extremely dirty feet up against Bobby-bear. I won’t go into details of this ongoing experience. Given my recent journey with such triggers, I decide to deal with them differently today. In very subtle ways, I make repeated attempts to disengage by moving blankets here and there. It seems that every time I calmly and lovingly rearrange my space in an attempt to block my contact with his disgustingly dirty feet, he finds a way to counter.
I am happy and transparent, but quite surprised by the persistence of this obvious and determined trigger. I attempt to remain in my high-energy state, trying to see all of this unfolding “space trampling” with no story, no emotion, and no attachment.
Exasperated Giggles
Then the man turns slightly, with his knees bent, and gives me a fully-clothed but offensive (to me) vista of things I do not want forced into my close-up view.
“This is uncanny,” I ponder with an exasperated giggle. “The Universe is really giving me a wham, wham, wham opportunity to heal these triggers.”
It is so obvious that I know I am doing this … manifesting this. It is an opportunity to make a new choice.
I briefly consider saying something verbally, asking him to shift positions, but guidance tells me to keep my mouth closed.
A few minutes later, unable to contain myself, I lightly tap his leg with my toes. He temporarily moves, but then a few minutes later he repositions himself again, giving me a full-on crotch shot from only a couple of feet away. I am sure his behavior is innocent, but I am grossed out by this rude body positioning. I cannot believe how I am repeatedly attracting what I perceive as such distorted masculine treatment.
Even so, I remain in a state of confused giggles … in a very high-energy space of transparency. But I begin to wonder if I should do something – something to OWN my power – something to request that my feelings be respected.
Finally, still having done nothing, I trust guidance to grab a nearby blanket and gently drape it over his knees and feet. Rather than verbally or physically challenging him, I am doing something that will solve my problem, and hopefully be seen by him as a friendly gesture.
As I do so, my heart rushes with panic. The man says nothing, but his body language indicates that he seems to appreciate the warmth. It is a cold afternoon.
Just as I do this, Keith glances at me, as if to acknowledge my emotion. But we say nothing, and he turns back to something else. I am proud of myself. The unpleasant view is covered.
Surrender To Feelings
Through all of this, I continue conscious attempts to remain in Higher Energies without succumbing to the triggered emotion. But after more than an hour of stewing in the experience, I get the strong feeling that such an approach is not working. I am remaining out of rational mind, but intuitions whisper that I need to try something else.
As I get brutally honest with myself, I realize that I am experiencing emotions of deep disgust and anger for such distorted men. Well, actually, it is more like “hateful” emotion. I hate distorted masculine energy – I hate men (and women) who are controlling, oppressive, and flaunting their influence and dominance as if in a power strut – men who are lost in an ego trip of self-importance.
“Wow,” I ponder. “Such distorted masculine energy is being acted out for me today in a very big way – and quite beautifully – not just by most of the men, but by a majority of the women as well.”
“Maybe, rather than trying to let go of this story,” I ponder new insights, “just maybe I need to actually feel the emotion … and take the Light with me into that emotion.”
Ever so slowly, I drop my walls, and begin to allow myself to actually feel the disgust … the anger … and the hatred. Tiny tears trickle down my cheeks as I start to recognize just how deeply this disgust goes – how deeply the hate permeates my being.
I soon realize the obvious connection, that this external hate is merely a projected version of the internal hatred that I continue to repress – internal hatred at my own masculine self. It is self-hatred that became agonizingly obvious during my young teenage years – self-hatred that continued to fester right up to the time of my gender transitions just over sixteen years ago – self hatred that was then buried and repressed, still bubbling in the depths even now.
“Even though I was so pure and genuine with my intentions,” I remind myself of the positive, “I adopted many of those socially-accepted, distorted masculine behaviors and attitudes, all in an attempt to belong and fit in to a confusing world … and I hated myself for doing so.”
Highest-Good Mutual Creation
At around 3:30 p.m., Keith is briefly interrupted by a delivery of three bags of freshly peeled cacao beans. During this twenty-minute break, about half of the people on the porch stand up and leave, taking a great deal of the stuck energy with them – but not all. Over time, most of the others leave as well. Meanwhile, almost no one does any visible inner work, not even the women – and Keith makes no effort to push or prod.
Finally, only five of us remain – five people who really are interested in doing inner work.
I love how the first two-thirds of the ceremony have so profoundly served me even though most people have remained stuck and disengaged. I love an inner knowing that tells me that everyone who came and left got exactly what they needed from the ceremony, in their own unique way. I love the knowing that at some level, I attracted such a group of stuck people to join us – them for their purposes, and also to play a much-needed role for me. I love this knowing – a knowing that synchronously shows itself in such obvious ways, over and over again in my journey.
Humble Admissions
“Jeff, where do you need to go?” Keith then interrupts the silence to get down to real inner work.
Jeff, not his real name, is someone who I see as an example of magical and healed masculine energy. Almost immediately, Jeff begins to engage in a beautiful process, one dealing with huge amounts of self-hatred. As he allows himself to feel what he needs to feel, I begin to ride his energetic wave, sinking deeper into my own emotions. Our situations today are quite different, but it becomes obvious to me that we are in very similar energies and journeys.
I soon begin to lightly sob as Jeff continues his work. Keith briefly turns to work with me as I mention how profoundly I resonate with Jeff’s process. Keith and I discuss the perfect setup today for an external stage play of distorted masculine energy, and I quickly fill him in on how I have uncovered new levels of self-hatred for my own inner masculine.
“And I clearly see how I have often projected some of that emotion onto you,” I humbly admit to Keith.
A Shared Journey
As both Jeff and I are sinking ever deeper into intense processing of self-hatred and self-loathing, Keith surprises us both.
“Brenda,” Keith interrupts, “I want you and Jeff to energetically connect, helping each other rather than helping yourselves.”
Keith then points out how both Jeff and I seem to find it easier to help someone else rather than helping and allowing love for ourselves.
Taking Keith’s counsel to heart, Jeff and I connect energetically, but we do so in a very different way. We do not sit in front of each other … we do not stare into each other’s eyes … we remain in our seats, holding space and helping each other from afar.
As I sit in my process, I focus on my empath abilities, asking that Jeff’s emotion run through my field – and asking that Higher Light and Love channel through me, being made available to Jeff. I can only imagine that Jeff does similar things for me.
Minutes later, I begin to sob as Jeff talks more about his own deep emotional struggles.
“Brenda,” Keith interrupts to coach me. “Don’t take it in.”
“Wow,” I look at Keith with surprise. “Am I taking this in? I thought I was feeling my own emotion.”
Keith does not answer my question, but in my heart, I know that I was taking Jeff’s emotion into me and believing it to be my own. With this new insight, I ask the light to help me more while further relaxing. As I do so, my emotion settles greatly, and I get a strong intuitive sense that I am really helping Jeff.
Vibrating Power
As I observe Jeff go ever deeper into the self-hatred, I am blown away by how someone so pure and genuine could hate himself.
Almost immediately, I imagine Jeff as my own inner masculine. I realize that he too is profoundly pure and genuine, yet I harbor intense repressed hatred toward that part of me.
“Jeff is just showing me a mirror of my own inner reality,” I ponder. “How could I possibly hate such a beautiful reflection? Such self-hatred is so absurd … yet so real.”
I begin to focus on sending amazing heart love to Jeff, but I know that this love is really destined for my own inner masculine self – both as an adolescent and as an adult. As I do so, I feel deeply emotional. My heart shakes a little as I feel the power shifting around inside.
Keith soon looks up and comments on how powerful I am being right now.
“Can you feel that?” Keith then asks.
“Yes,” I respond with confidence.
“You are bringing power all the way up from your solar plexus,” Keith congratulates me. Very beautiful!”
As Keith points out to me that I have done this before, I flash back to that “Brenda’s got the mojo” experience a couple of months ago – one where I was radiating huge amounts of love – one that Keith turned into a magical healing experience for me.
“I need to take this same power and turn it inward,” I ponder.
This amazing power vibrating in my solar plexus and heart continues for at least a half hour.
An Inner Dance
Somewhere in the midst of this magical, powerful experience, the neighbors begin to play loud music. It starts out as a nice slow-dance song. Suddenly, I imagine myself on the dance floor, asking my masculine self to sway to the music with me. I feel myself loving him, cuddling him, resting my head on his shoulder and wrapping my arms around his neck – loving him with genuine heart love.
“Wow,” I ponder with a glow, “I have never felt this emotion for my masculine self. It actually feels as if I am falling in love with him.”
I love the feeling as I visualize myself in this scene for another twenty minutes. Eventually, I explain my experience to Keith. He emphasizes how powerful this is, and how well I am doing, but also reminds me that I am in an ongoing process, and that I am not there yet.
“Thank you,” I respond to Keith. “I really appreciate the perspective that I am on a journey, but doing well.”
As the ceremony concludes, Keith repeatedly congratulates me for having done really good work today.
“But I don’t need to tell you that,” Keith adds with a grin. “You already know.”
“I really like to hear it thought,” I smile back.
Enhanced Energies
I walk home very slowly. As I arrive in the center of town, the Feria music is blaring loudly, but I just ignore it, hardly even paying attention.
A very different (but increasingly familiar) energy is flowing in my head right now – an energy that has also been flowing in my arms, spine, and other places too. I recognize this energy as something good – yet it is also an energy that in the past I have seen as quite uncomfortable, at times freaking me out in a state of feeling overwhelmed and panicky.
But now, this energy feels more a part of me … more normal … more enjoyable. I understand that it is some type of higher vibrational state toward which I am drawing ever closer – but the more I feel this new energy, the more the dense energies in my body (the ones not in alignment with Higher Energy) have been triggered – thus the reason I have often felt the associated discomfort.
Throughout the evening, I am serenaded by intensely booming music interspersed by loud thundering fireworks being set off about a hundred feet from my balcony. Occasionally, I step outside and take in the festivities from my vantage point. Huge crowds are gathered in the property of the Catholic Church, probably representing a large percentage of the several thousand local residents. Both ground and aerial fireworks are being ignited right in the midst of this gala.
But the festive noises do not bother me – they only serve to further enhance the energies flowing inside me.
Observe, Allow, Follow
After another short night of earplugs, vibrating walls, and not much sleep, I wake up at 4:30 a.m. to the sound of more fireworks exploding above my apartment. Having been jolted awake at that early hour, I find it hard to acquire any more rest. After an exhausting morning of trying to sleep in, cooking a pot of beans, and watching a few videos, I return again to Keith’s porch for a Thursday afternoon workgroup ceremony – one that turns out to be among the smallest in a very long time, with only seven of us on the porch for most of the afternoon.
Early in the ceremony, after a long, quiet, silent meditation, I again focus on connecting with Higher Energy, and expanding my heart. I also hold space for a friend who is in deep emotional release.
“Brenda,” Keith suddenly interrupts the silence. “For you today, it is important to let go of all expectations regarding what you do or don’t do.”
Keith tells me to stay out of my mind … doing nothing … just observing, allowing, and following … not expecting anything.
“Is it OK to still send loving energy to others? I ask with curiosity, being unsure as to what “doing nothing” means.
“Of course that is OK,” Keith answers my silly question.
I quietly ponder how one of my lifelong struggles has been related to taking people’s words too literally.
Immediately, I drop all expectations and take Keith’s words as a gesture that something powerful may (or may not) happen today. I get the message that this is an exercise in surrendering and following – in allowing, being in the moment, not pushing, and not analyzing – in just following guidance and putting rational mind on the front row as an observer, watching the script as the movie unfolds perfectly, without trying to control the script.
An Urge To Laugh
I continue sharing beautiful energy with a friend … bringing in love and light … radiating what I can. But I also focus on sending that same love and light down to my own lower chakras. It is something Keith had suggested I do yesterday – something that profoundly resonated when I was so focused on sharing some of my own power with parts of me still shut down.
Intuitions whisper to me that I have a journey to make with my lower chakras today, but I make no assumptions, continuing to follow the flow.
After a while, I experience subtle aching in my solar plexus, along with a strong feeling that I want to release this painful emotion by causing myself to belly laugh. I want this emotion to come up and out, but a deep fear also makes it clear that if I access this emotion, I might get lost in hours of agonizing emotional release.
After a few minutes of hesitating, of pondering emotions and feeling out guidance, I realize that I really want to force myself to laugh – to trigger this. I poke and tickle my belly repeatedly, simultaneously imagining myself laughing. As I do so, I do not laugh, but I do start to cry a little. I back off because I do not want to do this release the hard way.
Ignoring Doubt
Just as I finally realize it is time to ask Keith for guidance, he unexpectedly turns and makes eye contact with me.
“Keith,” I beg for clarity. “I feel like I have a reservoir of pain here that would be triggered by belly laughing, taking me into deep dry-heaving release … but I want to do this an easier way. Can you suggest something?”
“Take your Higher Self … or maybe an angel … with you,” Keith guides me to go on an inner journey. “Go down into that emotion together, while you hold powerful energetic space for the process, just like you do for others.”
I get the message loud and clear. I don’t need to do this work myself. I can stay in the Higher Energies and ask my Higher Self to assist with the actual work while I express intentions and hold space. Besides, my head has no idea how to release this emotional density using the rational mind.
As I follow Keith’s guidance, embarking on this meditative journey, he again speaks.
“Look around and figure out where you are,” Keith guides me.
Almost immediately, I find myself slipping into doubt, because I haven’t felt very successful at such meditations recently. But I ignore the doubt and instead focus on trusting everything I sense and feel.
Jagged Edges And Green Slime
Suddenly, I begin to get the visual of a dark cave with jagged black walls – as if there are half-inch sharp protrusions all over the wall, similar to crystals, but nothing like them. These sharp jagged formations are dark, black, and putrid.
As I pay more attention to my feelings, I get the sensation of green slime on the bottom of the cave. It is like a horrible green acid.
Within seconds, I start to freak out in deep emotion, but rather than going into the emotion, I back off and ask my Higher Self to do the actual work while I just radiate loving energy.
For the first few minutes, the emotional energy is intense. I feel it rage through me, and I cry a little, but I do not lose myself in it. Instead, I continue to radiate as much love from my heart as I can muster, simultaneously imagining this love flowing down to this putrid dark jagged-edged cave that has a floor of green-slime acid. I immerse myself in trust that I do not need to do this work myself – that it will be done for me as long as I can remain in this energy, feel the emotion, and trust my Higher Self.
The agony gradually diminishes, but I sense that the underlying emotion remains. Rather than judging myself, I simply hold space as if I were assisting someone else doing this work. I continue to feel the emotional disgust for the slime etc…, but I do not lose myself in it.
Bye Bye Cave
After a while, I begin to feel as if maybe I am done. I quickly remember something from earlier in the ceremony. A friend had released a huge container full of density, and Keith had then guided that friend to transmute the container itself, so that it could not be refilled.
“Please transmute this cave itself,” I ask my Higher Self.
I realize that I do not know how, nor do I need to know how this can be accomplished. I simply trust that I have expressed my intention, and I do everything I can to surrender and trust whatever happens.
After a while, I actually feel as if the cave is gone. I do not seek rational mind confirmation for something that cannot be understood at that level. I simply trust my feelings and return to sending love to others on the porch, while at the same time asking the energies to help me further connect with Mother Earth.
As I focus on these lower chakra connections, I still feel deeply blocked.
A Distorted And Perverted Reality
I go inside, imagining myself walking down into the solar plexus, and then into the second chakra. Suddenly, I get the image of being in a torture chamber.
While pursuing this unexpected image, I get the feeling that I am in a sexual torture chamber for sex slaves. Gradually, a sense of knowing begins to unfold. I am meditatively standing in my second chakra – the energetic center for creativity and sexuality. And at this place in my energy field, I have a shame-filled, torture chamber, victim mentality.
Almost immediately, I begin to remember painful, shameful fantasies from around age ten to twelve. At the time, I felt so much horror and shame regarding sexuality and gender that I believed I would never be normal – that I would literally end up in hell if I ever acted on any of the feelings racing through my confused and innocent body. At some level, I knew that any and all sexual expression would be evil, perverted, wrong, guilty, and shameful, and that the only way I would ever experience sexuality as a woman would be if I were forced to engage in it – if I were tortured, abused, and/or a sex slave possessed by evil men. Such a situation would alleviate me of all religious guilt and responsibility – allowing me to have an experience without the accompanying eternal sentence to hell.
What a distorted and perverted reality! What a sick feeling! At age ten, I was so insecure and terrified of sexuality that bizarre imaginations were the only safe alternative – distorted images that yet remain deeply buried beneath years of whitewash.
A Tangled Shameful Flow
At first, I brush over the surface of these emotions, but then begin to recognize the deep undertones of how this childhood distortion still plays out in my hatred of distorted masculine energy, of abusive, controlling men who stick their feet in my face and expose their fully-clothed crotch in my space, forcing themselves on me with rudeness.
Ouch! I am playing out this belief that I do not deserve a normal relationship / sexual life … that I only get distorted men who will treat me like trash, and that I would rather be alone and hate all men than risk it.
Very tangled, painful, repressed sexual distortions are festering in this inner torture chamber, all because as a child my gender feelings were made shameful.
Right now, I find myself energetically in the middle of this second chakra pain, experiencing the emotional craziness of this agonizing reality. By now, my solar plexus is vibrating with more opening energy.
“Higher Self,” I beg, “please help me heal this while I hold space for you.”
As I sit and meditate, waiting for whatever the response might be, I begin to feel active, prickly vibrations in my lower belly. As this new energy flows, I experience intense, shameful, painful, deep emotions – emotions that rage through me for perhaps twenty minutes. But I do not get lost in the emotion. I feel it and allow it to flow.
Allowing Help
At one point, I glance up and Keith makes eye contact with me. Before I tell him anything, Keith tells me that I am doing beautiful work, allowing help from other sources, and deeply contemplating what I am doing.
I let out a deep sigh as I prepare to speak.
“I am in a very dark place,” I tell Keith as I then share a summary of the agonizing sexual distortions of a young and confused boy.
“You have to feel it,” Keith reassures me, “but you are allowing help.”
As Keith moves on, I quietly cry while continuing to hold space, trusting that I am doing something very real as I imagine my Higher Self doing the actual work of healing the emotions that I allow myself to feel. I have no clue how this works. I just trust that I do not need to figure this out with my head.
Gradually, the pain fades to nothingness. Just as I had done before, I then ask my Higher Self to please transmute the torture chamber itself. A while later, the process feels complete – and I get the feeling that the torture chamber (at least this level of it) is gone.
Rewiring Circuits
Soon, I return to holding space for others while continuing to focus on raising my energy vibrations. As I do so, I suddenly feel a lot of intense energy in the throat region, along with a few tingling areas in the solar plexus and in my cheeks of all places.
“A switch in my solar plexus was just turned on restoring the power circuits to my cheeks,” intuitions quickly whisper.
Rational mind has no way to validate any of this – calling it quite silly.
But rather than losing myself in my head, I just trust, totally surrendering to everything, deeply relaxing while observing energy flows all over my body. I soon begin to imagine that my Higher Self is replacing fuses, fixing wires, and turning on switches at various places in my energy channels. In many ways, I feel as if I am on the Goddess’s operating table. Things are happening inside that are beyond understanding – that I do not need to think about or figure out.
For the next hour, I just follow this flow … observing … feeling.
I giggle when a friend unexpectedly speaks up in his process and talks about how he feels as if he is being rewired inside. Prior to this point, neither of us has said a thing about our processes.
Caught In My Head
We all silently meditate for the final ninety minutes of the ceremony. Finally, as a few people start to leave, Keith speaks up.
“Brenda,” Keith tells me, “you did some really different work today … deep … and allowing higher assistance.”
“I feel that,” I respond, “but am wondering if you have any guidance, because part of me feels as if I might not have completed everything I needed to do.
Keith closes his eyes and checks his own guidance.
“Brenda,” Keith then jokes with me. “This is the part of you that is throwing a tantrum. It believes you didn’t do anything today because you didn’t do it the hard way … not a lot of tears and emotion, etc.”
“So it is the scammer part of me,” I comment.
As I attempt to talk a little more at the rational mind level, Keith ignores me, and then suggests that it is time to go take some notes. I get the message. I am back in my head.
Pillow Vibrations
Ten minutes later, I giggle as I walk past the basketball court, just before turning down the short path to my home. There are over sixty huge speakers stacked up and aimed right at my apartment. Plus another stage is in the process of being constructed with more speakers being piled up for that one.
Later that night, as I ponder on my pillow, while loud concert vibrations shake my body, I again reflect on a beautiful ceremony. It was a magical experience in getting out of the way … in being present … observing feelings … and following inner guidance.
As I further ponder, I begin to develop a strong sense of gratitude for how Keith has been much more UN-available to me this year. I have resented it often, but now realize just how unhealthy my dependence has become – and how necessary it is for me to wean myself from needing his input in my process. It will not be long before I will need to do all of my processing without his input or validation. He has been very wise to repeatedly force me to do my own work.
Squeamy Insights
In spite of the loud concert music, I actually manage to fall asleep. I wake up several times during the night, but am now rested and surprised by how good I feel. A nice flow of energy graces my body and I get the sensation that several areas of my body are in the process of opening to another level. As I rest in bed for a while longer, I decide to meditate and see what happens.
While relaxing my body, the squeamys (squirming and screaming sensation at the cellular level) in my arms, legs, and other clenched areas, again begin to get my attention. Almost immediately, I take a back seat role, going into meditation and holding space while asking my Higher Self to further help me release whatever densities might be stuck in these blockage areas of my body.
I suddenly realize that I have been trying to “fix” these areas of my body via relaxation techniques – and no matter what I have done, it has not worked. Intuitions now tell me that these parts of my body are clenched for a reason, and will only relax when I do the inner work and learn the lessons behind why I put them there in the first place. As I later begin my day, I trust that the flow of my own process will bring this all up with perfect timing.
Lead Walls
As the Friday afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway, we again have a relatively small group, with only eleven people, most of whom are on Keith’s porch for their first ceremony.
Even before the “Glow Meditation,” I get an early start on my process. As I again focus on the clenched areas of my body, I feel guided to view them as lead walls – walls through which no energy can pass. While focusing on holding high vibration space, I ask metaphorical angels to assist me, bringing imagined picks and jackhammers, using their tools to chip away at my walls, and hauling away the debris in buckets. As I allow this meditative scenario to unfold, I begin to feel nice, peaceful energy flows in most of the blockage areas.
After the “Glow Meditation,” Keith tells the group that he is feeling guided not to volunteer assistance for others, and that today people are going to have to ask for help if they want him to work with them. I really do not like this idea. I miss the old way where Keith worked his way around the circle, volunteering help to nearly everyone.
But this is a perfect setup for me. As a part of me silently whines and complains about Keith not helping me and others, blah, blah, blah, I also see it as my reality creation – as another stage play again telling me it is time to do my own work. It is a situation where help is available if I need it, but where I need to access my own inner guidance as my primary source.
“Congratulations Brenda,” Keith suddenly turns to me.
“Huh?” I ask, confused that Keith is engaging me after just saying he wasn’t going to do so.
Keith then suggests that I am doing really well, in a beautiful flow of energy today, and doing really nice work. I use this opportunity to fill him in with what I have been doing for the last hour.
“I didn’t know the details of what you were doing,” Keith comments, “but I knew it was really nice, opening up a new level of cooperation with the flow.”
After our short conversation, I thank Keith for the insights, and he quickly moves on, providing no further guidance or hints regarding my ongoing processing for the day.
Trust And Non-Attachment
There are around four people today who are on the edge of deep emotional release, but who are also quite resistant, holding back. I observe with curiosity as Keith makes no attempt to draw them out of resistance – no attempt to encourage them to release their density. I feel quite puzzled, wondering if I should go assist them, but I get no clear inner guidance.
Suddenly, I realize that all is perfect, and that I am bumping up against my own God-drama belief that “If I were God, I would be doing things differently” … or in other words … “If I were Keith, I would be sitting in front of each person, showing love and compassion, drawing them out of their shell, encouraging them to release their fear, etc…”
I want to judge what is happening, but instead I treat it all as my personal holodeck, as my stage play, as my opportunity to trust and surrender control without me needing to know or understand why things are happening the way they are.
As I continue observing, I notice that several times Keith talks at a high level about people who are on the edge of emotional release, who get so far, and then hit deep childhood conditioning that causes them to shut down with resistance. I get it. Keith is giving them every opportunity to know it is OK to go into emotional release, but today, for whatever reason, he is guided to not push even in the tiniest ways – to make them responsible to make the first move. For whatever reason, this is perfect for me, bringing up my own issues in several ways.
I Know Keith well enough to trust that he is in communication with their Higher Energies, and that if these people needed him to intervene that he would. Yet the inner storyteller in me continues to pick and poke inside me.
But rather than enable this inner storyteller, I keep reminding myself of the facts, and reassuring myself of a strong inner knowing that this is another ceremony perfectly designed to trigger my growth.
As I continue to focus on my own inner journey, I bask in beautiful energy, feeling that energy flow in many areas of my body, with tingles and tickles especially active in arms, hands, and shoulders. I remain totally unattached to external events, simply holding space, leaving the details up to the Universe.
The Gift Of Laughter
Eventually, five or six of the resistant people leave, most of them not saying a word. Again, I check in with inner guidance that says all is perfect – that this is another exercise in trust and surrender – an exercise that is perfect for ME.
Soon, a friend arrives. A minute later her young daughter shows up with another young girl, and the two of them begin to be extremely active on the porch. I have been in enough ceremonies with children to know that they always serve me, so I take great delight in observing the unfolding events. The two young girls are giggling, enjoying unbridled, spontaneous silliness.
As I begin to giggle, and then belly laugh at something one of the young girls does, I am immediately overwhelmed by a huge wave of emotional density, causing me to start dry heaving. Immediately I sit back and invite the light to fill me, surrendering the emotion that wants out. But I do not feel any light. In fact, I feel as if I have a density hangover. My abdomen is extremely heavy and a headache consumes my forehead. I am tempted to return to the physical emotional release, but decide to simply hold space for my process, repeatedly asking my Higher Self to help me surrender this emotion to the light.
Soon, the two girls leave, and then, a few minutes later, they return bringing a little boy with them. The three are wild and active, distracting to the max. I giggle. I see their innocence and how perfect this experience is for me. They are so playful, so fun, so happy, so joyful, so wiggly, so smiling, and so magical. Repeatedly I reassure my friend that these children are profoundly serving me.
Many times I attempt to laugh with them, and every time I start to laugh, I instead sink into deep dry heaving. But rather than remaining in the physical release I stop each time and invite more light, while engaging in more space holding and more inner requests for my Higher Self to assist me in releasing this emotion the easy way.
Gradually, I feel a little Higher Energy assistance. It is slow and mild, and I sense that part of me is deeply afraid of letting this emotion go.
Unbridled Joyful Expression
I focus on feeling love for this fearful resistance … on feeling compassion for the little wounded child in me. In fact, I see these giggling children AS me, as MY inner children.
As I observe the ongoing unbridled joyful expression of these beautiful children, I clearly understand what happened to me as a child. Whenever I behaved in such a spontaneous, joyful way, I was slammed and shut down for being excessively noisy, disruptive, irreverent, or behaviorally inappropriate. Such rowdy and rambunctious behavior was not tolerated in my home. Yes, I was encouraged to have fun, but there were strict boundaries on “appropriate” fun, and if I strayed from those boundaries, which I often did, I got punished.
I did the same thing to my own children. Whether at home, at play, at church, or in any public place, I felt embarrassed if my children were too noisy, too playful, or too active, and I firmly taught them to be more reverent and respectful – kind of like the old paradigm that “children are to be seen and not heard.” I feel sadness for having passed this conditioning down to another generation.
I can see that my friend feels deeply embarrassed for what her young daughter and friends are doing on the porch – for how noisy and playful they are being. I can tell that she feels triggered, thinking she is being a bad mother for allowing this. Every minute or two, I make a point of telling my friend “Thank you … these children are serving me hugely, in ways you cannot possibly imagine … thank you … thank you … thank you … please let them continue.”
Keith occasionally jumps in and also tells my friend how profoundly these children are serving me.
A Locked Playroom
As I continue watching the playful mayhem on the porch, I sink into deep tears. I am feeling emotions of deep sadness and sorrow … sadness for lost joy and unexpressed playfulness … sorrow for how I did the same to my own children … sadness for how society in general forces such spontaneity out of us as if it were bad.
“Brenda is seeing this as a huge gift,” Keith again speaks up, telling my friend that her daughter’s behavior is serving me in magical ways.
As I continue to cry, I focus on love, imagining myself being held by my Higher Self and angels. Gradually, I feel lighter and lighter. I soon feel guided to ask Bobby and Sharon (my inner children) to take my hand and show me where this blockage and/or density is coming from.
I imagine myself standing in the solar plexus region, but feel numb and emotionless. Finally, I feel myself being guided down, down, down, down. As I find myself moving lower in my body, I start to experience sharp pains in the second chakra area. I get the sensation that I am now where I need to be, feeling what I need to feel, but I am quite puzzled.
“Why here?” I ponder.
Suddenly, I get the intuition that there is a playroom here in my second chakra – a playroom that is locked up. I ask Bobby and Sharon to help me unlock it. Intuitions whisper a few minutes later that the door is now open, but I still doubt myself, not sure if I can fully trust what seems quite bizarre to rational mind. Just to be safe, I ask my Higher Self to assist by ripping the door off its hinges, not just for this room, but for any other rooms that might be locked, but ready to be opened. While I hold space in high vibration energy, I ask my Higher Self to help transmute these rooms and all that is in them.
I simply trust and allow, having no rational mind feedback. As I continue this unknowing surrender, I gradually experience a sensation of increased joy and playfulness returning to my heart. Almost as if on cue, the neighbors again start to play loud dance music. Immediately I find myself in imagined play with Bobby, swaying to the music.
Second Chakra Spontaneity
At the end of the ceremony, I ask Keith a question that has me puzzled.
“Keith, is ‘play’ located down in the second chakra?” I ask with confused curiosity.
“For you it is,” Keith responds with a smile. “But not for everyone.”
“For me, it feels like play was a creativity outlet, and that makes sense because my creativity is there,” I share new thought that pop into my mind.
Keith pauses for a few seconds, closing his eyes and going inside. He then tells me that he is getting the word “spontaneity” rather than “creativity” – that my spontaneity is what was killed at this stage of my life – causing spontaneous play, creativity, joy, etc. to be stifled and rejected.
“Wow,” I respond. “This is so true. I still played … and played hard. But it was controlled, and kept inside restrictive boundaries. I had very little creative, out-of-the-box confidence … almost none … even as early as age six.”
An Energizing Encounter
Later, after the ceremony, a friend in emotional distress stops by my apartment. Following guidance, I suggest we go out to dinner together. Late in the evening, after beautiful healing talks at the rational mind level, I suddenly feel guided to tell my friend that she is carrying lots of emotions that are not even hers.
“Give them to me,” I encourage her.
As my friend closes her eyes and surrenders, I am blown away by the amazing tingles that I feel in my hands as a flow of energy begins to surge in my arms, head, neck, and back. I hold space for my friend for nearly a half hour, helping her release the emotions in which she is stuck – dense, heavy emotions that she took in from someone else. I love every tingling second of the experience.
We can only giggle a while later as both of us are highly resonating in the magic that just took place. I felt a huge amount of beautiful energy flowing through me, and my friend is now back in a state of spiritual connectedness. The experience energizes me, encouraging me to know that I can, and I want to, help others.
Magical Perfection
Later, as I prepare for bed, I open an email – a quote from “A Moment of Oneness through Rasha,” – quote #135. I love the message, which is as follows:
“Compassion is the common thread with which the tapestries of each of your lives are interwoven. For in truth, there Is only One of us here. As you begin to recognize the parallels in the lives of those with whom you share this dance, you begin to recognize the uncanny perfection in the synchronicity of the moments that bring you together. It becomes blatantly obvious that there are no random occurrences. The so-called coincidences you may once have been inclined to dismiss are far from irrelevant. Each seemingly chance encounter is an exercise in the perfection of manifestation. For in that moment, there is something to be given to each of you, by each of you.”
As I ponder these beautiful words, I am immediately drawn to the magic of an experience just completed – a beautiful healing encounter with a dear friend. But then, I clearly recognize the profound and blatantly obvious occurrences – the so-called coincidences that have occurred all week, and throughout my entire healing journey. I am really getting it – that there are no chance encounters – that all is perfect manifestation. Increasingly in my life, everything seems to serve a magical purpose in my journey, no matter how bizarre it may seem on the surface.
The Authentic Me
Saturday, April 27, I resume my passionate journey of writing. Just after midday, three cute little sparrows hop through the metal bars of my screen door and begin to explore my kitchen. The experience brings giggles to my heart as I fondly reminisce back to many such experiences during the height of my emotional journey over a year ago. After hopping around for a few minutes, one little sparrow suddenly flies back to the door. The other two quickly follow, and the three little messengers of joy disappear as quickly as they arrived.
Later that evening, after a long day of inspired writing, I eagerly publish, “Choosing The Authentic Me.” It continues to be a magical journey. It has not been an easy one, but I can clearly see how I have been guided by magical and synchronous events at every turn.
I truly am overflowing with giggles and divine light as I ponder the lifetime journey that has, step by step, taken me ever closer to the “authentic me” that lies at the core of my heart.
Giggles Of Spontaneity
The growth just continues to amaze me, with each ceremony taking me to unexpected places, understanding, and healing.
On Wednesday, a large group – one dominated by distorted masculine energy – served me greatly, taking me deeper and deeper into my own triggers with distortions of control, domination, oppression, and stuckness – taking me to an eventual realization that deep repressed emotions lie dormant inside of me – taking me to the realization that the only way to release and heal these emotions is to dive into them, allowing myself to feel them.
With the magic of allowing Higher Energy assistance, while simultaneously holding space for the shared process of a friend, I released deep deposits of inner hatred toward my own masculine energies – hatred that had been projected outward, then repressed and denied. As the process completed, I was left with new energies, imagining an inner dance with my own masculine self – one that persisted as a beautiful flow throughout the night.
On Thursday, the continued inner journey took me ever deeper, into the painful shame of childhood dysfunction related to sexuality and hopelessness of ever being normal – into a dark inner cave of black jagged edges and green-slime, acid floors – and then into a hopeless torture chamber. Using what is now becoming a more natural and automatic approach, I again fill myself with love and venture into the painful putrid muck, trusting that the Higher Energies will do the work of transmuting this forgotten reality. In this free-will Universe, I must feel this stuff before the light can transmute it – but I again succeed, and these dark inner places soon dissolve and disappear.
After beginning in a similar manner, Friday soon becomes an incredible gift of laughter – an unexpected journey into deeper understanding of how my capacity for spontaneous joy was dutifully punished out of me as a pure and innocent child.
With each passing day, I am astounded by the synchronous nature of the journey, by the unfolding clarity that each seemingly unrelated event brings in what always turns out to be perfect sequence. My heart warms with healing encounters with friends, and beautiful quotes that seem to pull it all together.
Each day, step by step, I am peeling back layer after layer of old blocks – blocks to the awareness of love’s presence – blocks that have long hidden from my view the truth of an authentic me. With each passing day, that true-me seems to be finally waking up as cautious inner giggles of spontaneity gradually reach the surface of my soul.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved