Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “Ducklings, Swans, Mice, And Monkeys.”
A beautiful energy fills my heart as I meditate on Monday morning. The last week or two have been intense. I have repeatedly dived down into numerous overwhelming layers of Pandora’s Box emotions. I love the respite that I am receiving, and recognize that after having released all that frightening emotion, that I feel magically different on the inside. My head and other areas of my body feel clear, and joyful sensations feel more normal.
But it is a short respite on this first Monday of May. When I arrive on Keith’s porch to set up for the afternoon workgroup ceremony, two beautiful friends are sitting in the middle of the porch, their eyes are closed and their personal belongings are scattered everywhere. It is obvious that Keith has just finished a private ceremony with them, and I do not want to disturb their meditative peace.
As I sit and twiddle my thumbs, waiting for an opportunity to rearrange things for the ceremony, I begin to stew in stories. I have only had one private session with Keith this year, in early December. In that session, Keith made it quite clear that he was being guided not to help me much at this level. Because of this, I have not even tried to schedule another – mostly because I know I am doing quite well on my own, but also because the storyteller in me feels abandoned and ignored, knowing that if I asked for a private session, I would likely be turned away, being told there is no reason to have one.
Inner stories rant and rave how Keith has made it clear that he does not have time to do private sessions, but that he is still doing them for certain people, when his guidance tells him to do so. My negative ego finds ample evidence to remind me just how blatantly abandoned and ignored I have been. The sad part is that, right now, I am starting to get lost in this dysfunctional belief. Deep emotional pain has been triggered.
A Perfect Setup
As the ceremony finally begins, I close my eyes and go inside, pondering my clear understanding that I am dealing with more God-drama abandonment issues. The observer in me is fully aware that this is another level of what I did yesterday, that I am simply dealing with another aspect of rational mind insanity.
And just like yesterday, a couple of people of people on the porch today are extremely distracting, asking lots of mental questions. It seems like the perfect repeat setup – one that is enhanced when I sense that Keith is intentionally delaying by spending time down in the garden while many of the early distractions are taking place.
Finally, at 2:15 p.m. Keith returns to the porch, sits in his chair, and says, “OK, let’s begin.” As the porch goes silent, I am drowning in God-drama projections. But as I have been doing recently, I realize that today I will not push these emotions down. I need to go into this judgment and anger; I need to feel this abandonment and jealousy emotion to the core.
I cannot help but giggle in frustration as Keith immediately begins to facilitate deep and beautiful work with the two friends who had just finished a private session. It is the perfect trigger to further push my “I am being ignored” button.
Pandora’s Box
Rather than dive headfirst into the emotion, I first follow intuitive hunches. I attempt to observe my two friends (the ones with whom Keith is currently working) as a part of me, as leading actors in my personal holodeck. I imagine that their healing journey is my healing journey. This helps a little, especially when I expand this image to include everyone on the porch. But even with this divine perspective, I am still feeling intense emotions.
Then, memory pulls me back to yesterday – into a realization that my joy is buried underneath huge layers of confusion, abandonment, shock, fear, panic, terror, anger, judgment, resentment, and betrayal – all of it as a result of being a magical swan child born into a duck world where everything was upside down and backwards. In that confusing reality, I had no choice but to give up being a swan, feeling hopeless. It was a choice of trying to be that duck, or withering and dying.
“All of this emotion is locked away in a Pandora’s Box,” I ponder. “My joy and spontaneity are stashed in the bottom of the box … safe, but covered with the slime of the stuff that I must feel before it can be transmuted.”
Hoping to find an easier way to work with this emotion, I grab Bobby and Sharon’s hands (my inner children) and together, we all walk down into my subconscious mind to find the box. As I do this, repeated distractions try to block me. But I do it anyway, faking it till I make it, imagining that I find the box, and that it is slightly opening. As I meditatively stand by the box, panic surges in my body.
Terrifying Territory
I know I need to go into this box, at least a tiny bit, but inner terror tells me that if I even touch the box that I WILL get lost in it. My experiences of the last week have been huge in helping me to recognize the danger, and in giving me the confidence that if done with caution, that I can work with such frightening emotional densities. I double my inner resolve, determined not to get lost, approaching this process with full awareness that what I am facing is core emotion filled with razor sharp hooks.
After dipping my metaphorical toes into the box several times, feeling intense fear each time, I gently back away and instead focus on the joy – on self-love and compassion for where I am and for why I put this stuff in my Pandora’s Box in the first place. I feel deep gratitude for my journey, and for the fact that I am learning something from every step.
Meanwhile, as I watch Catherine venture down into a journey of intense stuckness and fear, bumping into the core of her own painful issues, I feel happy that she is also making progress, but I am then shocked by how much resentment I feel. I want to love, but cannot find the feeling inside me. In fact, as I pull back further, I realize that in this moment, I literally want to push everyone away right now. Unbeknownst to me, I am already starting to identify with the emotion hidden in this box.
Insane Emotions
Over the course of the next half our, I keep imagining this Pandora’s Box slightly opening and then closing again. Each time, rather than going down into the frightening emotion, I instead send a quick burst of Higher Energy and love down into the box. I feel physical energy movements in my body with each open and close. I remain alert and extremely cautious, because I feel the emotion in that box, and it is overwhelmingly intense.
Finally, still petrified by the ominous contents of that metaphorical box, I feel guided to look up and glance at everyone on the porch. I quickly remember something Keith had told me yesterday – how Keith had told me that “joy” is what I need to find right now.
I had believed that I could not find this joy until I first cleaned out this Pandora’s Box, but intuitions tell me that I CAN raise my vibrations to a higher place and then ask some of the joy to find me – kind of like the “Glow Meditation” where we ask the smile in our heart to find us.
I focus on asking this joy to find me while slowly glancing at every person on the porch. As I pay attention, I realize that there are eleven of us here today, and that every person on this porch is a beautiful, energetic, magical being – each of which has played a profound role in my process. Strong intuitions tell me that I have in some way manifested each one of them into my personal experience.
I cannot imagine a more powerful group of friends – Yet, in my present state I want to push them all away right now.
“This is MY insane emotion,” I ponder the obvious fact. “And it IS insane, with no basis in reality. There is no reason for me to want to push away any of these amazing people.”
I deeply love everyone here, yet I want to isolate from them all – pushing them away – resenting them for my pain – blah, blah, blah. My God drama is being shown to me today in a form so plain and obvious that I find it impossible to deny. The very people that I want to help me in my process are all sitting right in front of me, but I don’t want their help, and instead am feeling crazy intense resentment.
Joy And Gratitude
As these bizarre realizations flood my awareness, I begin to focus on finding joy and gratitude for each person. It takes me a few minutes, but my mood gradually begins to lighten. Tears stream down my cheeks as more intense energy vibrations consume my heart. I realize that I am bringing in higher love in the form of very real gratitude – gratitude for how I am surrounded by such magic in my life – gratitude for where I am and for what I am doing. I find every deep reason to be grateful, and I feel that gratitude to the core.
I begin to cry profusely as I quietly-but-powerfully start to feel that the Pandora’s Box is now open, and that some of the stuff in there is coming up and being transmuted in my heart, all without my rational mind involvement or knowing. I receive no rational mind feedback, but have ample validation from the sense of feeling increased joy and from the overwhelming energetic activity that wiggles around in my belly and chest. I feel the energies in my heart actively churning, but not in a painful way.
After perhaps a half hour, the intensity of this beautiful heart-based experience begins to decrease. At that time, I focus in a different direction as intuitions guide me back in time four years, to June 2009 when I first began my travels and writing. Suddenly, I feel overwhelmed with new gratitude, this time for the amazing four-year journey of healing and growth beyond imagination – growth into healing my deepest pain and fears – and I am doing it in the easiest way possible. No, it has not always been fun, but I am at the very core, facing the putrid origins of dysfunctional God drama, and I know it. I am deeply grateful for the courage and progress.
Walking The Tightrope
As I continue to glance around, I almost giggle as I realize how stupid it is to think that I need Keith’s validation or guidance. I definitely would not need it from the other spiritual giants in my life. I know in my own heart what is happening, and that is the only source from which peace originates. It does not come from external teachers.
While basking in this increased level of gratitude, I experience another long period of intense energy flow and active churning in my heart – all the while, I continue to shed more tears of emotional joy.
At one point, someone does something elsewhere on the porch – something that makes me start to laugh. To my shock, as the laughter first begins to flow I almost burst into intense dry heaving. I back off and realize that I do not need to go into the dry heaves right now, that the Higher Energies are handling the transmutation of emotion. I remain in a high vibe state throughout all of it, feeling the emotion but not identifying with it.
Eventually, everything settles down.
“Wow,” I express to Keith a few minutes later, “I was on quite the journey today. I felt as if I were walking a tightrope over Pandora’s Box, feeling the agony and fear, determined not to get lost.”
“And you did it without taking the bait,” Keith congratulates me.
The Right Thing
Before Keith moves on, I feel compelled to explain more about my journey, but Keith almost immediately begins to ignore my storytelling. Just seconds earlier I had felt deeply validated and acknowledged, but now, the inner stories demand that I feel offended. Rather than judge this emotion, I go inside to feel it, asking the light to help me with it. A few minutes later, I am almost giggling with gratitude for Keith not listening to my stories.
Soon, Catherine goes deeper and deeper into her own process. Several people gather around her to hold space. In fact, I am the only one on the porch still in my seat. I struggle with the idea of also moving closer to join a semi-circle of magical people. Deep inner pain tells me that she would not want me helping, that I trigger her, and that it would be best for me to keep my distance.
Then I remember a guidance that came to me eight years ago, during a time where I was deeply struggling with a feeling of rejection with family.
“Do the right thing; do it for the right reason; and expect nothing back,” the guidance had flowed into my heart.
Expect Nothing Back
I access feelings of deep compassion and begin to hold space while soon squeezing into the semi-circle surrounding Catherine.
As I sit sharing energy, I feel deep love for Catherine, seeing her as a huge blessing in my process, and in my life. I am profoundly grateful for the pain she triggered in me. I know that the pain was mine, and that she was simply playing a role for me, pushing my most painful buttons in a way that no one else could, or would.
“I asked her to play that role,” I ponder with clarity. “It was MY stuff that came up … MY inner nightmares that surfaced. She was innocent in the whole process, simply doing what she does. So much of my growth is directly related to those buttons being pushed. I could not have done it without her.”
I share energy from my heart, with pure compassion, sharing, sharing, and sharing – having no idea if the energy is being felt or received by others. But I feel it … I feel love for her … I feel gratitude for her … and that is all that matters.
When the process completes, Catherine opens her eyes and begins to smile at everyone circled around her. I immediately start to panic, feeling inclined to look away, not wanting to trigger her and/or face possible rejection. But instead, I again do the right thing. I stare right at her, glowing pure love out of my eyes. When she looks at me, she momentarily returns that genuine glow, holds her hand over her heart, and whispers “Thank you.”
I feel beautiful love for this friend. I do indeed expect nothing back, and in some way I feel like I can love her now; whether or not she loves back is not important.
A Stinging Jab
We are again bagging chocolate tonight. I glow with love inside as I rush home for a quick dinner, managing to make it back to the porch just shortly after 6:00 p.m., eager to help with another fun evening.
I hesitate to share details of what happens next, because I do not want to project anything negative onto Keith. In the end, it all worked out perfectly. Perhaps he was playing a role for me. Perhaps Keith was just tired and grumpy. I now see that none of that matters, because the growth that resulted was beautiful and deep. I clearly own that everything in my experience is my creation, and this masterful creation served me deeply. Nevertheless, I must share the basic details in order to convey the healing story.
Keith is quite busy as I hurry around to help. The porch rugs are removed when we bag chocolate, and under the rugs are straw mats that cover a gravel floor. Due to long-term wear and tear, those mats are fraying, and one big hole in the mat is exactly where I work when I do my job.
I ask Keith if he has something to cover the hole in the mat, because it keeps getting kicked by all the people walking back and forth and I do not want to make the fraying hole any worse. When he gives me a flimsy towel that has no body, and that will get kicked off the fraying hole in a matter of seconds, I ask Keith if he doesn’t have something a little heavier in weight, so that it will stay in place as I walk around. In my heart, my question is pure and innocent, attempting to help, but I am guessing I might have been a little pushy and demanding in my own tone of voice when I pushed the issue after being told that he does not have anything heavier.
“You’ll just have to learn to pick up your feet when you walk,” Keith responds curtly. “You’ve had a problem with that for a long time, haven’t you?”
I immediately feel devastated. I interpret Keith’s hurried tone as being that of a dense jerk. I cannot believe he would take what I perceive as such a cruel jab at me. It stings and hurts. I identify with this pain, because I have a lifelong struggle believing such comments. Starting from around age ten onward, I walked pigeon toed, and walked fast, and I know I am still not totally normal in that area.
In retrospect, I must again add that this is MY trigger. At some level, I needed it, and it served me greatly. I genuinely recognize that if I was transparent and not believing that I was defective in some way, that Keith’s comment would not have even touched me in the tiniest way.
I Was Triggered
I sit at a table for a few minutes, feeling stunned, holding back tears, trying to decide if I want to go home right now. Deep emotion has been triggered. Deep pain bubbles to the surface, and I am angry as hell at Keith right now. Inner stories run rampant, raging out of control. I somehow manage to find the courage to stay, but I am shutdown, struggling to repress the emotion and tears. I clearly know this trigger is mine and that I created it at some level, but livid emotions convincingly demand that I feel otherwise.
The main problem I face in this moment is that I now realize that I am no longer willing to suppress such emotion – no longer wanting just to push it down. I know that such repression is exactly what created my putrid Pandora’s Box in the first place. I am determined to feel this emotion and to then bring in light to transmute it – but I am not sure if I am up for that right now, here in the middle of eleven people joyfully bagging chocolate.
I briefly pull Sufi aside, asking if we can talk. But as I ask for her feedback, I realize that talking about this is NOT the answer. It will only make me feel worse. Instead, I return to my chair, burying my head in my hands atop my table, and breathe deeply while struggling to maintain composure.
“Are you OK?” Keith asks a few minutes later.
I mention that HE triggered me really deeply with what he said earlier.
“I mean, ‘I was triggered,’” I correct my words, realizing that I need to arrange the words in a way that I take responsibility for how I am reacting. I clearly know that no one else can trigger me in any way. It is only me who allows and bites the hook of any trigger.
“I’m sorry,” Keith tells me a few minutes later.
“Thank you,” I respond, as I feel genuinely grateful for his humility and apology.
Isolation And Pain
For the first thirty minutes of chocolate bagging, I struggle, closing my eyes at every opportunity, breathing deeply in an attempt to focus and control the still-churning emotion. In an effort to quietly release the pain, I imagine my inner child screaming out anger – trying not to scream out loud. Gradually, I just numb myself, never feeling relief from the emotion. As the final bag is weighed and sealed, I leave immediately. I do not talk to anyone, not saying goodbye or making eye contact as I grab my umbrella and scurry home in the rain.
I am numb as I begin to watch a YouTube video on my computer. But I mainly sob and blubber as the emotion finally finds a way to the surface.
As I sit in the pain, I feel very unstable. On the one hand, I am deeply grateful for the trigger. It shows me just now NON-transparent I still am when it comes to short, frustrated, rude jabs by someone I trust. Inner stories demand that I deserve better, and that I should just never go back to Keith’s porch. But in my heart, I feel a deep commitment to finishing out this season, and I know I am growing in profound ways as I face all of these inner nightmares – all of which I own as my own.
I did feel support and appreciation from friends tonight, and Keith did apologize. There is no question that my ongoing pain is MY issue. But ego desperately wants to project responsibility elsewhere.
Popping The Cork
Soon, I go in my room and sit on my stuffed pillows, desperately trying to ground myself, listening to but not validating the incessant inner storyteller.
As I finally give myself permission to feel the core pain behind the trigger, I suddenly begin to sob and dry heave for a full fifteen minutes of agonizing emotional release. I go as deep as I dare, trusting that I will not get lost. I am determined not to go down into another long-term temper tantrum loop. I know I must feel this emotion so that I can release it.
Down, down, down I go. Soon, I recognize this emotion from around ages eleven to seventeen. During those painful social years I was jabbed, poked, and prodded with rude teasing. I had cracked and yellowing teeth. My nose was badly broken and bent. I talked fast with a slur and stutter. I walked fast and funny, with severe pigeon toes. And I was, in my mind, a gender freak, desperately trying to hide that dirty secret from the cruel teasing world. I was an easy target for teenage verbal bullying, and I took it … and took it … and took it … believing myself to be a horrible looser.
It was not every day that this happened, but it was often enough to hurt to the core. It was not always mean, and it was often me doing the self-bullying. I developed a very tough skin, and was numbly shut down, repeatedly repressing core emotions of anger, betrayal, hopelessness, pathetic self-loathing, blah, blah, blah.
I know Keith’s words were innocent and un-premeditated, being exactly what I needed to bring this pain to the surface – to pop the cork on teenage shame, shame, shame, and more shame. Again, I feel deep gratitude for that cork being popped. This stuff was pressurized and ready to burst.
An Attitude Of Gratitude
With this new attitude of gratitude, I manage to meditate into the light, bringing relief. The intense emotion is gone, and I feel grateful that another layer is done. In fact, I feel more joyful emotions bubbling deep down inside. Again, I was given a deep experience into further understanding the profound importance of feeling emotions and then surrendering them to the light. Ignoring and repressing them now seems quite insane. It is all in the feeling. Rational mind has little, if anything to do with the process.
After a late night and finally falling asleep in beautiful energy, I wake up on Tuesday morning back in a funky energy. I quickly give myself permission to process through a few additional layers of putrid teenage emotion. As I do so, I again feel gratitude on how Keith (knowingly or unknowingly) assisted me in popping the cork on this process.
After successfully surrendering to these emotions and releasing them to the light, I finally eat some oatmeal with nearly a full ceremonial dose of chocolate added to it. I realize that I still feel too many angry, hurt, moody emotions to write today, and instead I want to do more processing. I want to go deeper into this teenage stuff. I want it out of me.
But after eating my oatmeal, I feel so overwhelmed by the energy in my head that I simply surrender and do nothing, giving myself permission to simply watch videos for the whole day. I am gentle and loving with my self. There is no reason to force my writing or my inner work.
Sometime in the late afternoon, the power goes off in the middle of a strong thunderstorm. With the lights still off at 6:00 p.m., I simply light some candles and retire to my bedroom, hoping to meditate and bring in Higher Energy.
I experience a beautiful and strong flow of energy. In fact, it is quite profound. All of the heavy emotions seem to vanish, having been transmuted. I feel deeply grateful and happy again, enjoying the flow until well after 9:00 p.m.. Somewhere in this magical journey, I drift off to sleep. I love myself for being so gentle in what has been an agonizing flow of repressed emotion.
A Horrible Funk
After a pitch-black night, I am quite surprised that the power is still off on Wednesday morning. I wake up shortly after 5:30 a.m. but remain in bed till after 9.
I am in a real funk, again feeling teenage hopelessness rage through me – feeling intense projected anger while inner storytellers again ramble nonstop. Ego demands that we are victims, that it is time to leave San Marcos, blah, blah, blah. The stories are intense and convincing.
I am feeling funky, lost, rebellious, hopeless, broken, defective, and just want to say f#ck you world. I sit at my computer sobbing and dry heaving as I scribble these feelings. The emotions raging through me are real, convincing me that I hate the world … I want to dig a hole and bury myself … I cannot do this … I need help … I cannot do this alone … f#ck God, f#ck Keith. I literally feel insane, shocked by the crazy mood swings, again wondering if I belong in a mental institution.
As this emotion rages through me like a flash flood, I sit for ninety minutes, observing the stories, feeling the pain to the core. Gradually, I ask the light to help me to let go of this putrid, tangled blob of insane emotion. Over time, I feel much better, but some deep taproots of emotion still cling, refusing to let go.
Not fully trusting myself, I pull repeated Tarot cards from my deck. All the cards tell me I am on the right path, and doing well – yet I continue to feel a heaviness tugging at me.
Finally, with the power still off at 11:30 a.m., I decide it is time to get out of this dark house. I leave early, walking extremely slowly, stopping to take in the morning air as I gradually inch my way to Keith’s home for a Wednesday afternoon chocolate ceremony.
Beautiful Validation
At just after noon, I am surprised to see Keith in his garden as I step through his gate. I wonder if I am even capable of talking to him right now – or if Keith will have time for me.
“How are you doing?” Keith asks me with a compassionate tone and a big smile.
I answer honestly, explaining my intense rollercoaster ride of the last forty hours, talking about the deep emotional regressions into teenage pain. I share many details of the wild ride, explaining that at times, I have been feeling beautiful energies, and then thirty minutes later I am in another raging flash flood of pain.
“Does this ever end?” I ask after Keith congratulates me on what I am doing.
“It will not end until you fully surrender and do not need it to end,” Keith answers.
“You are doing amazing work,” Keith then adds with genuine sincerity.
“Thanks so much for saying that,” I respond with a sigh. “Sometime I get so down, beginning to believe the inner chatter that demands that I am such a crazy, broken loser. I need to hear this kind of feedback every once in a while.”
A Suck-y Acknowledgment
I soon proceed to set up the porch. The ceremony starts small, but by the time we get to the inner work phase, we have blossomed to around twenty people. I do not talk much as new people show up. I make the basic announcements about taking off shoes, putting bags in the storeroom, and sharing details about sugar and chili etc…, but in the other moments I close my eyes to meditate.
During his introduction speeches, Keith surprises me at one point when he talks about how this inner work goes on layer after layer, and that after a while, it can really suck. I smile and giggle with exasperation as these words leave Keith’s lips. Keith shares that for many people who are present, this ceremony will merely be an introduction, but for some who feel an inner imperative, this can be the only thing that matters in their life.
“Wow,” I ponder in silence. “This is ME. No wonder nothing else matters right now, not even a social life. All I want to do is clean up my emotional density, period!”
Two For Two
Just before the “Glow Meditation,” my solar plexus begins to hurt with deep pains. Today, rather than suffer with this pain, I feel immediately guided to ask Keith about it. When he glances my way, I hold my belly with a painful look on my face.
“Is this mine, or could I be reading it from someone?” I ask with painful curiosity.
“Hmmm,” Keith ponders. Let me check.”
“Brenda,” Keith shares a few seconds later. It is yours. I’m getting that rather than doing a lot of deep release today, that you will be opening more of your power and sharing it with others.”
I love Keith’s feedback. It is quick and compassionate. Just before the ceremony, I had put my intentions out in the Universe, intending that I be filled with gratitude and receive all the positive reassurance that I need, from whatever source. I am now two for two, having received beautiful compassionate guidance so far.
God Drama Clarity
As I begin to glow, it does not take long for the pain to increase. Earlier, Keith had suggested that I go inside and find a metaphorical dial to turn down the volume, so I do this. The pain slightly decreases, but it still hurts intensely.
Jim had mentioned at the start of the ceremony that he is experiencing deep, repressed, painful anger surfacing. I get the strong feeling that I might be reading his belly, especially when I see him put his hand on his solar plexus, exactly where I am hurting. But I still trust what Keith told me.
During most of the “Glow Meditation,” I feel intense pain and anger over being an empath and having to feel so much pain. I know the anger I feel is my own. But rather than push the anger down, I feel it to the core, taking the light with me. It helps a tiny bit. I feel the energy, but continue to lightly cry through most of the meditation.
When Keith finally begins the actual inner work, Jim immediately speaks up, processing through his previously mentioned anger. As I listen and hold space, I immediately get a rush of relief as Higher Energy comes in, filling me with tingling and lightness.
I now see that I clearly was reading Jim’s stuff, and that, as before, I am deeply connected to his process. Soon, Keith expands Jim’s process to the porch level, explaining to everyone all about the God drama. He gives a beautiful speech in which I find profound validation in my own arduous journey of the last year and a half – a journey that has found me repeatedly exploring deeper into my own dysfunctional games that I play with Higher Energies.
I relate profoundly to everything Keith says, especially when he describes many of the ways we play out our separation drama with Deity. I giggle quietly as I realize that I relate with every one of those tantrum games.
Painful Belly Button Vibrations
As Keith moves on, I look at Jim, give him a huge thumbs up, and express how grateful I am for his process, and for how courageous he is to go into it.
“You are serving me deeply,” I tell him from my heart.
I now find myself in a beautiful energy, holding deep loving space for the processes of others, sending energy to Jim and others as their processes unfold.
Heavy emotions continue to flow through me, but I know I am in a profoundly powerful place when I again remember to repeat my personal mission statement. I feel every word with an inspired giggle. My belly feels much better too.
Later, I notice that the immediate area around my belly button is vibrating intensely, in a very painful way. It is not the usual pain. It does hurt and is all-consuming, but it feels different. I send love and feel absolutely no judgment for what transpires, but the pain does not budge. I giggle because I am fine with that.
Power And Expansion
Soon, intuitions whisper that maybe this painful vibration is from having my empath stuff running people’s emotions through my belly rather than keeping them out in front of me where they should be flowing. In the past, when I realized that this “empath receptor” was in my belly, I had tried to use my mind to push it back out in front where it belongs. Today, I try a new approach. After silently telling the Higher Energies that I have no clue how to do this, I simply express my intention and surrender, getting out of the way, trusting that my own heart knows how to do it.
Soon, the painful vibration stops, and I feel my heart energize, sensing that it wants to open even more. I experience a pleasant energy flow, bursting in spurts from heart to throat.
“Wow, that is a nice metaphor,” I ponder how this magic wants to be expressed.
All of this occurs as Keith works with a new woman across the porch. As he assists her to release emotional density, I feel strongly guided to join in with this new power – power being expressed through my throat chakra.
“Wow, Brenda,” Keith suddenly interrupts the silence. “That is nice. Thanks for helping.”
“You can feel what I am doing?” I ask with an inner giggle, surprised that Keith is aware of my energy.
“Yes,” Keith responds.
As I continue to support the release of emotional density across the porch, I feel increasing expansion in my heart. Even though I feel no actual energy flowing between us, I do feel energetic changes in my body – I have a profound sense of power and expansion – and I feel no pain. I love it. Intuitions tell me that I AM doing something powerful, and I silently continue to giggle at Keith’s beautiful, unexpected feedback.
Three For Three
Later, as most people in the group focus on supporting a friend, Keith quietly engages me in a long, beautiful conversation. He profoundly congratulates me when I explain the details of my process.
“You have been making it much easier by following the flow,” Keith shares feedback.” You are recognizing when pain is resistance, changing your approach when something you try doesn’t work, and are following inner guidance without trying to figure things out.”
Over the course of the next twenty minutes, Keith and I discuss much of my ongoing process of the last ten days. I love the validation, the feedback, and the sense of compassion. I am now “three for three” as I glow in the realization that I am getting beautiful validating assistance, precisely when I need it.
After inner storytellers have repeatedly given me evidence that I am in this by myself, abandoned and alone, I begin to realize that ego and inner storytellers have just been wham, wham, whamming me with stories, trying to get me to take the bait. If I am honest, (and it is obvious when I go back and read my own blog notes), I have always received beautiful assistance, precisely when I really needed it.
Yet, in many ways, I really do feel as if I am in a different Universe today. I am totally aware that my new healing and my new attitudes are literally causing me to create a different reality.
I only giggle when Keith later spends a block of time teaching those on the porch all about reality creation, explaining in clarity-filled ways how we each create or allow everything that happens to us, no matter how beautiful or painful.
Reality Creation 101
As I banter a little with Keith regarding the topic of reality creation, I begin to talk generically about the triggers that we manifest in our lives. He explains that each time we are triggered, that if we get lost in the trigger then we reenergize it and energetically set ourselves up for another repeat performance.
“Keith,” I then get brave. “On Monday evening, during the instance where I was deeply triggered, I was hurt and angry, but at one level, I never got lost. I was just shocked by the emotions that came up.”
I share that even while bagging the chocolate, I was trying to pull the trigger back inside because I was not prepared to respond to the emotion at that time. But I took it home, owned it, felt it to the core, replaced it with gratitude (eventually), and then proceeded to process layer after layer as they also surfaced for release.
“Yesterday,” I explain to Keith, “it was so overwhelming that I just numbed myself down, but I made it, and don’t think I reenergized the trigger.
“Brenda,” Keith responds with compassion. “Sometimes numbing out is the only thing you can do, and that is perfect.”
Releasing Attachment
As the ceremony concludes, I walk home with Jim and another dear friend. We have a delightful conversation regarding how, when we first met nearly a year and a half ago, we massively triggered each other, driving each other crazy. We can now giggle at how profoundly similar our processes are, finding commonality and camaraderie in our respective journeys.
As I reach the turnoff by the basketball court, I make a rash decision and decide to go celebrate with my inner children. We did beautiful work this week, and we deserve a burger and fries.
Later in the evening, I bask in the magic of higher energies. As I repeat the words of my mission statement, I fill with gratitude and I still experience the energetic glow of every single word.
Tonight I am on top of the world. For the first time ever, I feel as if I really am no longer attached to needing my journey to be a certain way, to needing to be finished with this or that pattern. Instead, I am just trusting the flow, surrendering to whatever is, knowing that I could never plan the journey as well as my Higher Self is already doing.
Pandora’s Box Buttons
I totally agree with Keith’s new statement that this type of inner work can really “suck.” But one thing is also becoming increasingly evident in my process. Just in the last ten days, with every intense layer that I release, I experience a profound and noticeable difference in my energy state, in the levels of joy and peace that are beginning to lay foundations of new hope.
On Monday, I repeatedly danced through intense fears as I healed layers of emotion buried in what I metaphorically perceive as a terrifying Pandora’s Box of old stuff – agonizingly painful stuff that was buried and locked away – stuff that continued to influence moods and behavior to this very day. After experiencing huge urges to push away and isolate from everyone I love, I kept going, eventually filling with new levels of joy and gratitude for everyone on the porch – for an inspired four-year journey that continues to reveal giggling surprises on a frequent basis.
Having begun Monday feeling triggered by repressed emotions of abandonment, I end the ceremony deeply understanding just how silly the notion of feeling ignored really is. I filled with unconditional love and gratitude, doing the right thing, for the right reason, expecting nothing back.
But later that same evening, an innocent and unpremeditated comment violently pushes buttons that have been deeply buried in that Pandora’s Box – triggering an agonizing forty-hour popping-the-cork journey – one that again wavers between a magical attitude of gratitude and the depths of hating life itself. To make the metaphors even more magical, this whole journey corresponded with a simultaneous power outage that lasted for nearly a full day.
Newfound Hope
After waking up on Wednesday, once more in a horrible teenage funk, I again found magical energy filled with gratitude, leading me to a beautiful ceremony, filled with repeated support and validation, one in which I followed inner guidance, surrendering to the flow, feeling things to the core, and utilizing my expanding toolbox to reach a magical outcome.
I love my understanding of reality creation. I love the knowing that everything that happens to me is there for a reason, and that the only thing I need to do is to learn to love, trust, and surrender. When I do so, everything always serves me beautifully, no matter how painful it may seem on the surface.
Who could have thought that going to the depths of agonizing emotion could actually begin to be easy, filled with love, gratitude, joy, and ever-increasing magical energies. As more of the old painful stuff is replaced with joy, newfound hope does indeed fill my heart.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved