Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “Newfound Hope.”
Early Thursday morning, May 9, 2013, I wake up with newfound hope still running through my veins. As I again run the words of my mission statement through my mind, I giggle when they resonate deeply. I believe them and am in a magical mood.
The afternoon workgroup ceremony starts out extremely small, with only four of us present at the designated starting time. A few more join us over time. After drinking chocolate, we banter in casual conversation.
Suddenly I sneeze. With curiosity, I ask Keith about the purpose of my occasional sneezing, explaining that whenever I sneeze I feel a magical burst of energy that explodes up and down my spine, and that it increasingly persists longer and longer.
“Brenda,” Keith explains, “for you it is like an electro-shock jump-start that helps kick the energy flow. For others it can be different.”
I love the magical energy that flows in my body, lingering for several minutes after the sneeze is long gone.
Dripping Distractions
I sit in this beautiful energy for the first few hours, listening to the occasional conversations as Keith works with a friend who has encountered a magical meditative place, one that Keith refers to as a “cookie jar” state. I too desire to open or expand something equally as beautiful, but begin to wonder if I might be trying to push the river a little. Intuitions whisper that there is a very fine line, with one side of the line being pushing myself with expectation, and the other side simply being to set magical intentions of expectancy while following and surrendering to a flow. I choose to invite more light to fill me while allowing and following whatever happens, period.
Having no attachment to results, I express an inner intent that I want to do something more with opening my third-eye chakra. As I ponder this intention with expectancy, I start to feel an active and slightly annoying vibration in the center of my lower solar plexus region.
As I ponder the vibration, intuitions tell me that it has to do with fear – with fear of opening something that has hurt me in the past. This prickly little vibration comes and goes frequently during the first few hours of the ceremony.
In the midst of these vibrating encounters, I sometimes imagine myself walking up a flight of steps while heading toward my eighth chakra, and other times walking down similar steps leading to the lower chakras. But every time I try, I feel as if I am experiencing some type of water torture – with a feeling of drip, drip, drip, stop, stop, stop pressure pulsing in my forehead. It seems that I am dancing with distraction at every turn.
Dealing With Distraction
Still surrendering and following, I eventually get an intuitive feeling guiding me to invite my inner children, Bobby and Sharon, to show me a switchbox of circuit breakers, somewhere in my head.
I first feel guided to a switch in the left front of my forehead, and I imagine myself turning it on. Then I am led to the right front forehead, where I do the same. Next, I feel guided to the very center of my head, at the pineal gland, where I flip another switch to the “ON” position.
As I ponder how silly this seems to rational mind, I feel tiny energetic differences in my body. A sensation has begun to grow – a sensation of more hope and more possibility. Simultaneously, I sense new fear pulsing and strengthening in my belly. I sit with this scenario for a while before finally engaging in a short conversation with Keith.
“How do you work with distraction?” I beg Keith for guidance. “Is it like fear, where you can just let it go?”
“You need to go find out what is behind the distraction and deal with that,” Keith answers with a subtle clue.
A Disgusting Soup
As I return to inner meditation, I ask the distraction to get bigger. I immerse my self in it more and more, paying attention to the noises around me – to the side conversations – feeling the “drip, drip, drip” of pressure pulsing in my forehead.
“This distraction is a protection mechanism,” I suddenly ponder. “I put these safeguards here to stop me if I started getting too close to my magic … to protect me from repeating the things that got me into so much trouble as a child.”
Patiently tolerating the increasing distraction, I gradually begin to feel the presence of a deep layer of agonizing emotion. I get the sensation that these distractions have been dutifully hiding this painful emotion from me, keeping me safe from having to feel it before I was ready.
As I allow myself to start to feel the emotion, venturing as deeply as I dare, I begin to shed a few mild tears. Soon, I feel guided to imagine myself sitting on the rim of an old-fashioned circular well, with little Sharon at my side. Together, we throw “love pills” into the depths far below. The well is full of putrid, black, slimy, tar-like anger, rage, hatred, victimization, and sadness. It is a disgusting soup consisting of the vilest emotions imaginable.
Angry Resistance
The love pills do not seem to work. In my heart, I understand that I cannot simply throw light and love at the darkness. I know that I have to find the courage to go into that frightening darkness, at least deep enough to feel portions of it. Only then will the light transmute what I am able to feel
But terror tells me that if I, myself, go into that well all at once, that I WILL get lost in there, feeling overwhelmed by what I might find. Looking for alternatives that will help me do this more gradually, I follow a hunch telling me to lower a rope into the well. At the bottom of the rope dangles a tall thin glass.
As the glass hits the surface of the putrid soup, it tips sideways. The glass soon sinks into the emotional brew, gradually filling with oozing darkness. Together, Sharon and I pull the rope, retrieving the glass filled with this putrid agony. When it reaches the surface, I am surprised to see that the outside of the glass is clean. I imagine holding the container in an outstretched hand, asking for an angel to touch it … to transmute it.
But as I visualize this scenario, I experience intense resistance. I cannot let this emotion go. I sense the anger and rage in that glass and I feel protective and justified in hanging on to it.
Glasses To Buckets
Still determined to let this go, I ask little Sharon to help me throw the contents of the glass at the angel, drenching the angel with this angry, black, tar-like yuck. As I visualize this scene, I deeply feel the intense emotion for about ten seconds. Then, as my emotion fades and transmutes, I sense that the angel returns to pure white light. Peace returns to my heart and the emotion is gone.
Together with my inner child, we repeat this scenario, over and over, for a very long time, lowering a rope, filling a glass with putrid emotion, throwing it at an angel, and then feeling this small emotional portion to the core before it transmutes to love.
Through it all, I have no idea what exactly the emotion is. I only know it is a putrid mix of very old and painful stuff. I feel each tiny layer to the core, but am not identifying with any of it.
Soon, I get brave, and imagine replacing that small glass with a big bucket, deciding to work with increasingly larger amounts of this frightening emotional soup. As I visualize this agonizing brew splattering all over the angel, I feel emotions more intensely and deeply, but I have reached a state where I am no longer so afraid of getting lost in the process.
Sharing From The Heart
After a while, Catherine engages in a discussion about her emotional process. It is a conversation that soon evolves into a group discussion about the processing of emotional densities. I giggle inside as I quickly realize that nearly everyone on the porch seems to be approaching the same place of understanding that I am finally reaching – an awareness of the ideas that we have to feel this stuff, but not attach or identify with it, and then be willing to surrender it to the light. It is that simple.
“The conscious choice point is in feeling it deeply, but then not staying in it, and then being willing to give it up.” I share a short contribution.
“That is how you do it,” Keith coaches me. “It is not necessarily the same for others.”
I love Keith’s perspective, reminding me that we each have our own unique way of doing and feeling things.
At one point in this beautiful discussion, I make what, for me, is another inspired comment, doing so in response to something Catherine had said. Immediately, she casually slams me with a crude comment, telling me that she has been on this porch for a year and she obviously knows this already.
“Ouch,” I ponder with shock. “Why am I creating this crazy conflict?”
I know my comment was not in any way directed at Catherine. I was simply sharing my own insight with the group. I have seen many others actually confront and debate with Catherine during this conversation, and she was not defensive with them in any way.
“Yet she slams me for simply sharing something from my heart,” I explore my trigger.
Pain To Gratitude
I immediately withdraw from the conversation, sitting on the sidelines while going inside. A lifelong pattern begins to unfold – a pattern of contributing to a conversation with my truth only to feel unjustly slammed by someone – a pattern of then withdrawing, never again contributing because of fear of rejection.
“This is an opportunity to allow someone else to have their own truth while I remain transparent,” I tell myself.
I feel this emotion of rejection, and I feel it deeply. As I shed a few tears, I remember again how I have been slammed “below the belt” throughout my life. In fact, I am quite clear that this is more of how I felt a few days ago when I was triggered by Keith’s comments before an evening of bagging chocolate.
“Brenda, do the right thing,” Inner voices whisper. “Do it for the right reason, and expect nothing back.”
I quickly focus on unconditional love and gratitude, while imagining Catherine and her rejecting comment as being beautiful contributors to my process, playing an essential role in revealing my painful triggers.
“I would rather have these triggers revealed in a setting like this than with real friends,” I ponder with sincerity.
A short while later I reach a profoundly peaceful and loving place – one where I am overflowing with gratitude.
A Magical Encounter
Suddenly, I lock eyes with a young woman across the porch (I will call her Rosa). I am not sure which of us looked first, but in the moment our eyes touch, we both know to stay.
We maintain this beautiful gaze for what feels like at least forty-five minutes, staring into each other’s eyes until my eyeballs are so sore I can no longer keep them open. Many times during this beautiful experience, we both reach smiles and tiny bursts of laughter, but mostly we just gaze with straight-faced, joyful peace.
During this magical encounter, I experience profound energy and insights flowing through me. I see Rosa as a divine reflection of me – as literally being me at the oneness level. The personality-self and my emotions feel quite silly, meaning nothing in my present state of awareness.
Again, I see the entire porch around me as a stage play, as a collection of divine beings, each lost in varying levels of personality identification and stuck emotions, each healing in their own unique way. I feel this clarity genuinely and magically, yet it is quite ordinary, nothing special.
Gobbledygook Stories
Throughout the experience, my heart vibrates with beautiful, intense, loving energy. I have no idea regarding which direction the energy is flowing. I only know that I feel the energy flow profoundly, and that it is so amazing that I do not want to stop. My heart feels like a warm vibrator, glowing, strong, alive with knowing, overflowing with indescribable trust. I am immersed in a powerful, peaceful flow of confidence.
There is no way to describe it. It is not otherworldly. It is just profoundly peaceful, combined with an inner knowing that all is perfect – a knowing that I am not yet done, but am being given another glimpse of the transmutation of personality stories. Right now, all the stories feel insignificant and meaningless. I clearly see that the stories continually evolve and change over time, depending on the present mix of emotional healing.
An inner smile grins from ear to ear as I ponder the silliness of “personality-self” truth.
“Absolute divine experience is all that matters,” I ponder with a giggle. “The rest is all just gobbledygook – a mish-mash of rational-mind words – a collection of distorted personality-self stories.”
Beautiful Validation
Finally, Rosa and I prepare to disengage. We do not discuss the timing. It just seems to be an intuitively-acknowledged, mutual moment of exhaustion in which we both know we are done. We each put our hands in prayer position and bow to the other from across the porch, after which I close my eyes and return to an inner world.
I sit in this continued beautiful flow, without eye contact, for at least another half hour. Finally, glowing inside and feeling quite complete, I decide to leave the porch at 5:00 p.m., slightly before the ceremony concludes.
Just as I leave, I bend over and give Keith a big hug. He quietly congratulates me on my process today, saying something like “You were working on something that cannot be understood … doing beautiful work.”
A friend follows me to the gate. As we walk home together, I briefly share my glowing experience about staring into Rosa’s eyes.
“It was beautiful just to be on the edge of that,” My friend tells me.
“You mean you felt the energy flow?” I ask with surprise.
“Oh yeah,” My friend responds. “It was amazing and beautiful.”
I am so grateful for such feedback. So often, I doubt and wonder if I am making things up, and such external validation deeply warms my heart.
Talk About Triggers
As I later ponder on my pillow, I drift back to an experience that happened just before I left the ceremony. A young girl had walked onto the porch to join her mother.
“Only four people today?” The young girl commented as she looked around the porch.
Several of us giggled at her innocent comment, because there were still five of us on the porch.
“I don’t count,” I responded with a tease, joking about me being the invisible fifth person.
“Talk about triggers,” Catherine had jumped into the brief conversation with a sarcastic tone.
She was quite serious, implying that I have been triggered and was being defensive. I remained quiet, allowing her to have her truth. I know I was not triggered at all. Instead, I was simply feeling playful and silly.
A Magical Day
For me, today turned out to be an experience of taking the higher road of unconditional love … recognizing that there is no absolute truth at a rational mind level … and allowing others to be perfect where they are, doing so with pure transparency. I reveled with delight in seeing the higher truth of everyone’s divinity, in seeing the silliness of their personality-self and emotions, in seeing the absolute cosmic joke of how our emotions seem to be what locks us into the personality story – of how our stories literally define us until we feel those emotions and release them.
I have no doubt that today was another of those chocolate ceremonies manifested just for me. It was a day where everyone present seemed to be deeply synchronized in similar growth processes – a day where pure love reigned in my heart.
Later, as I drift off to sleep, intense energy flows in my head and body, churning and wiggling. The energy is pleasurable and pleasant, but quite active and distracting, keeping me from sleeping soundly. But even so, I love it.
An interesting Start
After a relaxing Friday morning of videos, in beautiful energy but lacking in motivation, I again find myself sitting on Keith’s magical porch. What unfolds next is quite unusual.
Initially, there are only three of us present when the chocolate is served. For a while, Keith begins to discuss issues surrounding the purchase of a new tablet computer. He is preparing for a six-month European tour and has need for a more convenient interface to the world.
During this conversation, I simply sit in beautiful energy, surrendering to the flow, having no expectations, while at the same time enjoying a sense of beautiful expectancy.
Then, a new young man stops by the porch to purchase chocolate. This young man just happens to have with him the exact tablet computer that Keith is considering. Soon, the conversation goes much deeper into experiential play with the tablet itself.
Given the tiny group size, I have been feeling quite excited about having a quiet and very deep ceremony, but after ninety minutes of casual computer conversation, we are still going nowhere. Yet I continue to trust that all is perfect.
A Setup For Growth
As I quietly meditate, I ignore the ongoing distracting conversations. But while pondering my feelings, I come to realize that underneath a very mild annoyance is a pool of intense rage – repressed anger regarding the need to have and follow rules, to control a situation, and to not allow distractions etc…
I clearly see the insanity of these repressed emotions, and initially ignore them. But I realize that this emotion does need to be felt at some level before it can be released or transmuted. I remain quite unattached as to how or when that needs to happen. I clearly see that this repressed emotion is blocking further movement on my part, but I do not want to talk about it or go into it while this young man is here purchasing chocolate and showing off his computer.
Soon, Keith sits beside me and asks how I am. Rather than respond directly, I simply sigh in exasperation. I remain in a beautiful energy, but the distractions have reached a point of overwhelming me. Just as happened yesterday, I feel as if my forehead is the recipient of constant drip, drip, dripping water torture. I cannot focus.
“We need to focus on the ceremony now, huh?” Keith then suggests before I find words to respond to his original question.
“Yes,” I smile back at him.
From what is happening already, I can tell that this whole scenario is another beautiful setup for magical growth. I expect today will be deep and profound.
Stop Trying To Focus
Fifteen minutes later, with the distracting conversations continuing, Steven shows up on the porch. Keith soon announces to the few of us present that it is time to get down to business. The porch goes quiet as we all meditate silently. This is a workgroup ceremony for regular students only, so we are not following a normal ceremonial flow.
“Brenda, how are you doing?” Keith interrupts a while later.
“I am feeling intense and overwhelming energy,” I respond with a sigh. “I felt a lot of it last night too. It is like a pulsing distracting energy so strong that I cannot focus.”
“Stop trying to focus,” Keith guides me. “Let it have you. Go into it.”
Keith then checks his guidance and tells me that there is no reason that the experience needs to be overwhelming like it is. He adds that I am still engaged in a belief system telling me that if my experience is not intense, then I am not really doing something productive.
This really resonates with me. I do still somewhat believe that an energy experience is not real if it does not overwhelm me in some undeniable way. I quietly ponder that the “overwhelming-ness” is also a contributor of my God-drama, doing so in a way that causes me to believe I am helpless and need assistance from an outside source.
Following A Flow
“Just allow the next level of what is ready to happen,” Keith coaches me.
I take Keith’s words as implying that my sense of being overwhelmed is simply my own resistance to allowing something to flow to the next level.
But as I attempt to relax, express intent, and just observe, the only thing that happens is that the intensity of the energy throbbing in my head further overwhelms me.
I sit with this experience in complete silence, trusting that all is well.
“I recognize that I am at the “bait-biting” phase of a pathetic and angry entry point into my God-drama loops,” I share with Keith a while later. “It feels like there is more intense density that I need to dive into, but I am intentionally NOT going there. Instead, I am asking the light to show me what it would do.”
“Does this sound like a valid approach,” I ask Keith for feedback, “not jumping headfirst into the density and instead letting the light show me if I need to, or if perhaps it can be transmuted otherwise?”
“Yes,” Keith responds, expressing that it is a good approach to just be open, honest with my intentions, and to follow with no attachment.”
As I sit in this energy of following, the new young man with a tablet computer again takes the group conversation off on a long tangent, asking nonstop questions about shipping chocolate internationally. I ignore this conversation while meditating, but soon realize that I am again being shown how much anger remains buried inside me – anger at such inappropriate conduct (based on my conditioning). I get the inner guidance that I really need to delve down into this emotion. I do not seem to be feeling progress in any other way.
Deep Diving
Following intuition, I return to the same metaphor that worked for me yesterday, imagining Sharon sitting with me on the top circular wall of a deep well. Together, we use a rope to lower a tall, thin glass into the bottom of the well. When it hits the surface of thick, gooey, runny, tar-like slime, the glass falls to its side, sinks, fills, and we raise it.
When we throw the glass of muck onto a metaphorical angel, I do not feel much emotion, so we repeat the visualized process several more times. Gradually, I begin to feel deep angry rage as I imagine throwing that putrid stuff onto these divine beings.
I continue repeating this scenario until I finally reach the point of a deep, dry-heaving reflex. Then I stop and immediately ask the light to take and transmute what I have now been able to feel. Almost immediately, I am lighter and experience beautiful energy tingles, but there is a continued ache at the center of my solar plexus, so I do it again.
I quickly switch to imagining a bucket versus a glass. As I hit deep anger at the edge of more dry heaving, I again ask for the light to come in and transmute what is ready. As I do so, another rush of lighter energy makes me feel much better. I do this over and over, speeding up the process and increasing the number of imagined angels standing in front of me. Each time I feel more light energy flowing through me when I am done … but my gut continues to have that “achy feeling” indicating that there is more to release.
Dizzying Energy
I soon reach a feeling that this well is bottomless. Rather than continuing with bucket after bucket, I imagine myself dropping a pressure-pumped hose down into the well, and I invite a large stadium filled with angels to surround me. Sharon and I stand at the top of the well, holding the pressurized hose nozzle, drenching entire sections of the stadium with this dark, putrid crap.
At first, the emotions are intense, and I nearly get lost in the energies that I feel flowing through me. Gradually, things flow more smoothly. I continue to feel more dense energy surfacing as it flows out in a steady stream. Eventually, the flow reaches a stable point of leaving effortlessly.
As I repeatedly imagine spraying all sides of the angel-filled stadium, I feel as if we are finally reaching the bottom of this overwhelming layer. I intuitively feel the hose as it sucks up the last vestiges of this emotion. I repeatedly express my intent for it to be fully removed and cleaned out. I even ask angels to go down to the bottom with vacuum hoses, cleaning every square inch. Finally, I express an intent for the well itself to be transmuted.
The process takes a while as I imagine various scenarios until I feel that the well is entirely gone – until it has been dug out completely and filled with clean soil.
Remembering Keith’s frequent guidance, I then ask the light to fill all the empty spaces in my energy field.
At this point in the ceremony, I start to focus solely on higher vibrations, not doing anything, but instead simply surrendering, inviting, and allowing … without trying. At times, I feel almost dizzy with the beautiful energy that now flows through me.
Eraser Energy
After sitting in this beautiful healing energy for a very long time, I begin to remember a frequent occurrence in my process. I have a lifelong “eraser” in my journey – an eraser that frequently makes me forget the good experiences in my process, leaving me filled with stories, doubt, and distraction.
“Keith,” I speak up a while later. “Can you suggest what might be a good way to work with this “eraser” energy? Is it an aspect-of-self, or perhaps emotional density, etc?”
“Work with it as a belief system or as conditioned programming,” Keith guides me.
I smile as I listen, realizing that my own eraser has already made me forget how to work with belief systems and programming.
Keith compassionately guides me, suggesting that I go down into the subconscious mind and work with the “Book of Beliefs.”
“Duh,” I ponder with a giggle. “I profoundly know how to do that. Why does this eraser try to convince me otherwise?”
As Keith reminds me of all the steps, I already remember them quite well. I can only assume that Keith is using this as an opportunity to teach others about this particular meditation.
Proactive Processing
I clearly remember the process of walking down, down, down into the subconscious, following hallways until I find a door, walking inside, and finding a book with a page open. I know how to intuitively read the beliefs written on that page, and I understand the process of destroying each page three times, each in a unique, creative way.
“Once the pages are destroyed,” Keith then guides me, “ask your Higher Self to bring in appropriate programming to replace the outdated beliefs. You put them there for a reason, and they did serve you when you put them there.”
“Yeah,” I respond to the extra instruction with clarity. “I put them there to help me forget all the things that got me into painful trouble, so that I could continue and function in a world that would not have understood my magic.”
I then ask a question that has been puzzling me. It has to do with “When is it appropriate to simply follow in-the-moment guidance, and when is it appropriate to do proactive things like journey into the subconscious?”
“It feels like this might be pushing the river when I self-initiate processes like this,” I express concern to Keith.
Keith reassures me that this is NOT pushing, and that it is a good practice to follow. He compares it to having a piece of furniture in your room – one that does not serve you – indicating that going into the subconscious is like going inside to remove the misplaced furniture and to bring in a replacement piece that does serve me.
I am grateful for Keith’s advice and counsel. It seems that I have been so deeply immersed in following the flow of my process, that I have often felt leery of doing such proactive inner work. I realize that there are many areas in my process that could use such proactive journeying, but that right now, I am so immersed in five-day-per-week chocolate ceremonies that I have little time or energy left to pursue anything else.
Delightful Interruptions
As I close my eyes to begin this meditation, Keith repeatedly interrupts to give me more guidance – telling me that this guidance is coming through him.
“When you get to the room where the book is at, pay attention to what else is or isn’t in the room,” Keith channels to me. “Work with that as part of your God drama.”
“This eraser is a piece of your God drama,” Keith continues.
“Yeah,” I giggle. “It helps me remain pathetic by making me forget the good stuff. I clearly see how it helps me to avoid my light shadow, making me forget the powerful loving experiences, etc…”
“This is related to your joy as well,” Keith interrupts me a few minutes later. “By erasing the good things, you are kept from memories of the joy, hiding the joy, and forgetting the joy.”
“Wow,” I giggle, “that makes so much sense.”
Keith and I continue to banter. It seems that every time I close my eyes to begin this solo meditation, he interrupts me with more guidance. It becomes obvious that I can work with most of my remaining God drama as deeply rooted beliefs in the subconscious.
“And also as choices, all focused around this eraser,” Keith points out when I explain this insight to him.
The more Keith and I talk, the more eager I am to actually begin this meditation, but every time I start, Keith interrupts me with additional valuable feedback. Finally, at 4:15 p.m., as Keith and I finish another such interruption, I suggest that maybe I should just save this meditation for later, taking it as homework for another day. I clearly see that since we are bagging more chocolate tonight, that there will not be time to complete it today.
A Magical Toolbox
Keith quickly agrees with my assessment, and goes so far as suggesting that he wants to end the ceremony now anyway, so that he too can get an early start in preparing for tonight.
As I rush home for a quick dinner, my heart is alive with joy and hope. It has been a beautiful ceremony – one filled with intense emotional processing, and magical energy. I am in a very good place.
While hurriedly typing up a few notes, I again ponder how at one point in the ceremony today, I had again reached that powerful place of seeing all of this personality silliness from a higher perspective. I clearly knew that these crazy belief systems and emotions are nothing more than a personality script that continues to suck me in, knowing that they are merely illusions in a much bigger picture. I actually flowed with beautiful energy during that magical stage of my process.
I know that all is perfect – that I am prepared and ready to do this subconscious journeying all by myself, whenever that may be. My toolbox is full. I know exactly what to do, and I trust that it will happen with perfect timing.
Shaking Energies
After a fun evening of bagging chocolate, I return to my computer to research details of an earthquake that had vigorously rocked the ceremony earlier in the afternoon. I am surprised to note that it was a 5.1 shaker that happened at 2:49 p.m., only about sixty miles away on the other side of the mountains, barely out in the Pacific coast. I can only giggle, when another mild quake suddenly shakes my apartment as I research the first.
Extremely active energy-flows again consume me as I attempt to sleep. As before, the nighttime energy is pleasurable and positive, but extremely distracting, making sleep fleeting and difficult.
It seems that the energies are shaking my life from many different perspectives.
Latent Dormant Emotions
Saturday, May 11, 2013, is another magical day as I write and publish, “Terrified Of Joy.” As usual, I find great healing integration that matches beautifully with present-day processing – all tying directly into my ongoing God-drama work.
After a beautiful Sunday morning of connecting to dear friends on Skype, I return to Keith’s porch for what turns out to be another relatively small group, with only around ten people at the peak. Some of them had arrived just as we were about to begin the “Glow Meditation,” causing more of my latent emotions to bubble and churn. The experience brings up feelings of dormant anger and resentment at people for their inconsiderate behavior in not only coming late, but then launching into more delaying casual conversation as if they are oblivious that we are already in the midst of a ceremony.
I see these new interruptions as my creation, and am grateful for them. I take the emotion inside to feel and process it, focusing mainly on the feelings of anger, resentment, and judgment. But I do not seem to be going anywhere.
Energetic Scamming
As Keith finally starts the meditations, I feel a nice energy, but immediately begin to experience sharp pains in my solar plexus. At first, I suspect that these pains come from reading the emotional energies of others, but eventually I start to wonder if perhaps this is my own emotional density. Finally, I get the feeling that what I am experiencing is an inner scam – part of me wanting to be pathetic, not embracing my power, pulling my emotional “assemblage point” inside my belly so that I can hurt and wallow in painful smallness.
This latter intuition feels right. An inner part of me is rebelling, trying to keep me stuck and small, doing so for my own dysfunctional protection. Immediately, I start to focus on relaxing, playing with my “White Bird” metaphor, imagining the emotional receptor-point gracefully flying back out in front of me where it belongs. I do not know how to do this with my head, so I simply surrender, asking my Higher Self to assist in whatever way appropriate.
After the “Glow Meditation” is complete, Keith soon turns to me and asks how I am doing.
“I am doing well,” I respond. “But I have sharp pains, and am starting to wonder if maybe this is pain from my “assemblage point” being back inside me. I am working with Higher Energy to relax it back to where it belongs.”
Keith checks his guidance and tells me he is in full agreement – adding that the emotions of others are running through me in a painful way. Then Keith surprises me, because I have not yet shared my own personal insights about scamming. He tells me that this is part of my God drama, pointing out that this is a scamming attempt trying to keep me pathetic and small – to get me to go back into the “needing help” loop so that I do not have to embrace my magic and power.
“Yeah,” I thank Keith for his insight. “Am I missing anything else?”
“No,” Keith starts …
“Well, yes,” He giggles at me. “You are missing a lot of things still, but nothing that you are ready to work with. I am getting that right now you are right-on with what is happening.
Tearful Gratitude
I close my eyes, going inside and focusing on being powerful, bringing in more light, and surrendering my “scamming pathetic-ness” to Higher Self. I ask the light to help adjust my energy back to where it needs to be, and then I step out of the way while beginning to share energy with two young women on the porch. I know that sharing energy with others is always a beautiful way to increase my own magical flow.
At one point, as another woman across the porch does very deep emotional release work, I am quite surprised when Keith mentions my name, telling her that I am doing a beautiful job in helping her to release a lot of stuff. I had been focusing on doing this from afar, and I love the unexpected feedback that others can feel what I am doing.
Soon, a young man (one who deeply triggered me last year) goes into intense inner work, and I also focus on sharing energy with him. As he struggles and sobs deeper into his own inner pain, he looks up and shares something that makes my heart melt.
“Brenda,” he tells me. “I finally understand you and what you have been going through from a whole new perspective.”
I simply hold my hand on my heart, glowing at him with gratitude as tiny tears form in the corners of my eyes.
A Failed Scam Attempt
As I bask in my powerful loving energy, I begin to wonder if I might be partially scamming myself on the other extreme – possibly avoiding my own inner work. But as I check with my heart, all of my feelings overflow with power and inner validation telling me that this is my journey today – one of power and expansion.
I had been silently hoping to return to the “Book of Beliefs” meditation that I tried to start on Friday – the one working in the subconscious with my “eraser” energies – but what I am doing right now feels more important in the moment. I continue to radiate powerful space holding energy for others, while simultaneously expressing a silent intent for more personal expansion.
At one point late in the ceremony, as another friend does deep work, my belly starts to really hurt. As I again get the feeling that this pain is another attempt at scamming my self, I ask Keith for his assessment. He agrees that this IS another attempt to scam me, to pull me out of this new power.
I thank him and redouble my efforts on loving expansion. Soon, that new pain simply disappears.
Awakening Energies
Later in the ceremony, I return to my own work, remembering a recent pillar of light meditation in which Keith had been guided to make modifications tailored just for me. I silently return to that meditation, connecting with energies from below and above, filling with those energies while asking my Higher Self to help me to repair, clean out, unclog, and/or reconnect damaged energy channels throughout my field.
I silently smile as I listen to Keith work with another friend who is focusing on connecting to Mother Earth energies. Keith verbally points out that her childhood shutdown is very similar to “Brenda’s.” I clearly recognize that I remain deeply disconnected from the Mother Earth energies, and my rational mind has no idea how to rectify the problem.
Continuing with this “Pillar of Light” meditation, I focus on each chakra, filling with energy and asking Higher Self to assist in repairs and reconnecting. I sit in this expansion and surrender process for the remainder of the ceremony.
I soon begin to feel numerous energy tingles here and there. Almost immediately my entire abdomen begins to bubble and churn with painful gas popping inside. It is quite wild, and I feel a great deal of energy flow in these lower chakras, both in front and in back. Rather than judge the pains, I love them, finding gratitude for them. I know the pains are similar to a sleeping foot waking up – to an increase in energy flow in an area long asleep.
I sit in this beautiful energy until the very end, overflowing with loving peace as the pains continue to bubble and churn.
A Bear Scorned
After walking home with a friend, I sit at my computer to type up a few notes. The first thing that I ponder is my sadness for having forgotten to bring “Bobby Bear” to ceremony with me today. This is only the second time in six months that I have forgotten and left home without him.
“I really hope he will forgive me,” I ponder with a giggle.
I deeply love and appreciate this little bear as if he were real, with actual feelings. After all, he is my precious little inner child, and I have grown to cherish him with all my heart. His presence has been so profound in countless ceremonies over the past six months – not just for me, but for many others as well.
Somehow, I do know that my magic little bear will definitely forgive me.
New Growth Opportunities
Then I ponder back to another memory from the ceremony. One of my friends had been stuck in painful inner work. Keith told her that she was also being scammed by her ego. She was feeling the “same old” pains and was refusing to go into them, pointing out that she had already done that work before, and that there is no need to go there again … nothing new to be learned.
Keith told her a story from his own processing days, one where he had made the same arguments to his channeled guides.
“It is another layer,” they had told him. “Are you going to do it or not?”
My friend never did agree with Keith on this one, still refusing to go back inside and work with the same old pains. But observing the experience had profoundly touched me in beautiful ways. I realized that over the last three years, I have often been quite annoyed when the same pains surfaced again and again. I have judged myself, refusing to go back to the same pain and work with it again, because I too believed there was nothing more to learn. I now suddenly understand that, even though it feels the same, that it is in fact brand new, and that no matter how many times a pain appears in the same place, that every time I need to begin anew, asking it to expand, bringing in light, sitting down and having a loving encounter with this NEW growth opportunity.
I plan to never again ignore a pain, treating it with judgmental disdain, refusing to acknowledge it as my teacher.
Opportunity Accepted
Sunday night, I retire early, feeling quite exhausted. As I attempt to relax my legs, I again feel lots of anxious energy flowing. The anxiety sensations are intense, hard to describe. The flowing energy makes me want to curl up in panic.
But I surrender to it, love it, do not judge it, and ask the Higher Energies to either take it or to make it increase – to show me what needs to be done with it. I will no longer treat this same anxious sensation as something that I refuse to feel. Eventually, the anxiousness subsides and I peacefully fall to sleep.
Joy And Healing Giggles
These four days in the second week of May have been beautiful, filled with amazing expansion and insight.
While following drip, drip, dripping distractions on Thursday, I discovered a metaphorical well filled with a disgusting emotional soup. Soon knowing that I must feel the oozing agony before it can be released, intuitions guided me to do it in a safer way – one in which I did not just dive in headfirst and get lost. I started with lowering a glass, and later a bucket, down into the well, collecting a small amount of the emotion, and then feeling it by angrily tossing it at an imagined angel. The process turned out to be emotional and powerful.
But the most amazing thing about Thursday was a magical energy-sharing experience with my friend Rosa – staring into her eyes until my eyes could stare no more – feeling overflowing energy that brought profound insights and a melting of stories and personality separation. It was indeed a magical day, taking the high road of unconditional love.
Friday brought more triggered emotion, taking me back to that putrid emotional well – this time finishing off the bottomless contents with a pressurized hose and a stadium filled with loving angels. With each release, the magical dizzying energy brought more beautiful relief. And I love the two earthquakes and nighttime flowing energies, all shaking up my healing journey.
Sunday brought amazing expansion and sharing, as well as many new insights regarding ways in which I have scammed myself in the past – keeping myself small, pathetic, and separate from the light-being that I am – that we all are.
As I embrace ongoing new growth opportunities, doing so with eager surrender, I am profoundly grateful for the support and companionship of a precious little teddy bear – one who does not hold a grudge when he is forgotten – one that brings joy and healing giggles to my journey on a frequent basis.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved