Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “A Silly Spinning Hamster Wheel.”
After another difficult sleep, I am awake early on Sunday morning, May 19, 2013. As has happened quite frequently in recent days, a great deal of energy danced around in my body during the night, leaving me exhausted and drained.
As I browse the internet, I suddenly receive an instant message from a friend. She is asking about taxis from Guatemala City to Lake Atitlan. In my exhausted state, I feel resistant and lacking in strength to help anyone right now. And without going into details, the circumstances of this friend’s trip to Guatemala are somewhat triggering me right now. Nonsensical chatter rattles away with nonstop stories in the back of my head. I mostly ignore the ego rant, but am quite aware that another layer of my own inner density is up for release.
At 9:30 a.m., as I step out of the shower and stare into a mirror, tears drip down my cheeks. Recognizing that I am going into a bottomless pit of emotion, I begin to congratulate myself for being a beautiful and courageous divine daughter of God, hoping to stop myself from getting lost in the emotion. Suddenly, the emotion overwhelms me. It is all I can do to remind myself that the feelings running through me are NOT present-day stuff – that they are old emotions simply triggered by innocent events.
In fact, I know that the raging projections that try to drown me are merely old teenage social pains – agonizing stuff that wants to be projected onto Keith, and two different friends. The intensity of this emotion blows me away. I feel it as deeply as I dare, going into dry heaves and sobbing, after which I ask the light for help.
As the emotion fades, I am left with a headache. As I ponder my insane triggers, I again remind myself to, “Do the right thing … do it for the right reason … and expect nothing back.” This new focus helps me return to a beautiful energy of unconditional love.
“Today is going to be a beautiful opportunity NOT to take the bait of another loop,” I ponder as I prepare for the day.
Really Nice Energy
When I first show up for the afternoon public chocolate ceremony, I am surprised that there are only three of us here (including Keith). Soon, five others filter in, giving us a total of eight beautiful souls. As is the norm recently, Keith is quite distracted during the ceremony today, but rather than judge him as the old me used to do, I am loving everything that happens, seeing it all as perfect – as self-created manifestations that are definitely part of my process.
Even though this is a public ceremony, we skip all the normal introductions and “Glow Meditation,” because there are no new people on the porch today.
“Wow, Brenda” Keith interrupts the silence, “you have been doing a lot of work lately. You have a really nice energy today.”
“Yeah,” I smile back. “I am feeling much lighter and more in higher vibrations.”
I quickly explain the crazy energies that have kept me awake much of the last two nights, adding how I have felt that the energies are working on me, and that I am simply surrendering. I then share details regarding this morning’s “dangling emotional hooks,” and how I had nearly gotten lost in them, but then successfully processed through them.
“Sometimes your Higher Self will create situations to make you not sleep, in order to lower your resistance,” Keith coaches me.
“Yeah,” I respond. “I understand that, and am congratulating myself because I think I did really well at just surrendering.”
I love how Keith repeatedly shares beautiful guidance as we spend the next ten minutes or so in conversation about my ongoing process.
Aching Abdominal Emptiness
For the first few hours, the ceremony remains very low key as we all meditate quietly. A few people do ask a question or two, but overall, there is not much interaction.
At one point, Keith and I briefly connect eyes. I take this opportunity to share what is happening with me.
“I am still in a really nice energy,” I begin to speak, “but there is a really intense, aching, emptiness surfacing in my abdomen. I am feeling a great deal of fear about going there. It is so overwhelming that I might get lost in it.”
“Remain in your heart space,” Keith guides me, “and just ask the solar plexus stuff to come up in small drops … a tiny bit at a time.”
As I follow Keith’s advice and begin asking this stuff to surface, I initially start to shake with panic as the first few putrid emotional layers start to drift upward. In fact, I am almost convulsing in panic, but the freak-out soon fades after two or three layers. I relax more, simply imagining myself holding space for this process – not needing to feel the emotion as my own – instead being the adult empath receiving the emotion from a frightened inner child.
This process works beautifully. About twenty minutes later, I am again in deep peace, and the aching emptiness in my abdomen had mostly faded.
Third-Eye Ponderings
Soon, my attention returns to the third-eye chakra – to a process of frequent energy in that region – one that has been ongoing for several weeks. Often, the energy in this lower-front forehead area feels like hesitant opening and closing, combined with mild pressure and even headaches. Finally, I speak up and ask Keith for feedback.
“You are being taken on a journey with your third eye,” Keith shares with me. “Just follow.”
“I really get that,” I banter back. “I’m just wondering if there is something I am missing that I could do to follow better?”
Keith confirms that I have been missing the opportunities, and then tells me that this process is related to me as a little child – a child who once had an open third eye.
“That is where she took in her higher knowing,” Keith shares, “and she got slammed for it … getting into a lot of trouble for the things she said and did because of it.”
“It was even labeled as ‘evil’ in the culture, and that child knew it,” Keith quickly adds.
“Get in touch with how that child felt, and pursue the remaining blockages around that,” Keith suggests. “You have been doing a lot of this in the last few weeks … but there is more.”
Overwhelming Grief
I go inside and begin to connect to that inner child of mine. Gradually, I start to experience the sensation of deep confusion regarding how my genuine self was being rejected by others. Intense emotions begin to surface – emotions of feeling rejected, confusion, sadness, grief, and anger.
“These experiences are at the root of my lifelong need to explain myself,” I ponder with clarity. “I have often felt devastated when my genuine heart and intentions were misinterpreted, and I have desperately attempted to correct the misperceptions of others. In the process, I have only deepened the hole, strengthening my struggles.”
As I continue diving into this agonizing emotion, I reach the point of sobbing and dry heaving. I stay here for a few minutes before finally begging the light for help. I do not feel much light at first, and I get the feeling that I am very attached to this emotion. In fact, I want to cling to it.
Repeatedly, I express an inner intent to surrender this emotion – to give it up. Finally, I feel the light transmuting the heaviness. As I feel better, I again dive deeper and deeper. Soon, I am surprised to find myself grieving the death of my connection to Mother Earth – and the connection to my higher knowing. The grief is deep and intense – overwhelming feelings of abandonment and loss. Several times in this process, I nearly get lost. Each time that I feel myself slipping down the rabbit hole, I again ask for more light. Most of the emotion transmutes, but slightly heavy emotions continue to cling.
Joy, Joy, Joy
Determined to let this all go, I start to focus on connecting with joy. As I do so, I begin to feel intense panic. Much of what was shutdown with Mother Earth and my third-eye chakra was my spontaneity – which for me was access to my true joy. It seems that I am still quite terrified of reopening energetic channels of joy – channels that once got me into so much trouble.
I pass through another deep layer of release – but instead of asking the light to help me, I ask for joy to assist – joy, joy, joy, and more joy. I find myself occasionally beginning to giggle, quite a few times in fact.
At one point, I sneak into the bathroom. I am stuck and want to try belly laughing – but I remain embarrassed to try to laugh in public. As I hide in the bathroom, I quietly belly laugh, over and over, for almost five minutes. I am shocked that no deep pain or emotion surfaces. This is the first time in a very long time that laughing has not triggered intense release.
“Something is very different today,” I giggle quietly.
Unconditional Joy
Soon, I return to my hot-spring metaphor. Focusing on my third eye, I imagine myself walking down into the steaming hot water … relaxing … visualizing my third eye as if it is open and functioning … trying out a little “fake it till I make it” approach.
I then begin to pretend that I am breathing energy in and out of my third eye, sharing it with others while relaxing as much as possible. I imagine that a beam of Higher Energy is leaving my third eye and flooding the porch.
Almost immediately, a nearby young man begins to cry. I have no idea if this is in any way related, but I find the timing to be quite synchronous. As I continue this imagined sharing, feeling increasingly higher energy, two other dear friends then begin to cry intensely.
“Wow,” I ponder the unexpected shifts around me, wondering if they could be related. Rather than concern my mind with such matters, I just keep holding space and imagining pure, unconditional joy as it leaves my third eye.
“Is the energy in my third eye connected to joy?” I ponder with surprise. “It sure feels like it is.”
Beautiful Feedback
As this process continues, I turn to face all three of my friends who are in deep release. I breathe deeply with a sensation of inner power. I feel magical energy movement resonating from my heart, flowing both down to the solar plexus and up to my third eye. While rational mind has no idea what is happening, my forehead feels relaxed and calm, and intuitions whisper that something powerful is happening.
Meanwhile, the palms of my hands are tingling intensely.
I remain in this process for the remainder of the ceremony, as two of my friends continue to cycle through deep, repeated emotional release.
At one point, Squeaky (Keith’s healer cat) begins to dash around on the fiberglass roof above the porch, making a great deal of noise. I start to laugh, being filled with joy at the silly cat antics. Soon, I share little Bobby-bear with one friend. She too starts to giggle as she grabs little Bobby and squeezes him to her heart, still crying huge tears.
I have no mental way to validate what I am doing, but I know in my heart that I am profoundly contributing to the anchoring in of light on the porch today.
“I really like you in your new energy space,” Keith later tells me at the end of the ceremony.
“Thanks for sharing energy with me,” another friend tells me. “I felt it, and it really helped me … beautifully done.”
Then my other two friends both comment on how I helped them too. Each of them expresses deep gratitude for my energy support.
“Wow,” I ponder with a giggle. “What I was doing was real!”
Peacefully Observing
After a peaceful sleep and an intense Monday morning, I find myself right back on Keith’s porch for an afternoon workgroup ceremony. It had been another morning of ego attempting to dominate me with storytelling God-drama chatter – more inner rage from teenage pain – rage that wanted to be projected onto my friends. The surfacing pain is another layer of intense abandonment and betrayal feelings – feelings that have no basis in present-day fact.
Later, having successfully released these feelings, I do not focus on them at the start of the ceremony, but I do keep them in my mind.
After a beautiful “Glow Meditation,” I am back in very nice energy – taking me deeper and deeper. When Keith opens the porch for assisted individual work, I remain quiet, simply observing. Just like yesterday, I see everything around me as perfect. I am in a state of complete nonattachment to what others on the porch do or do not do. I am here to do my own inner work, and that is the only thing that matters.
A Beautiful Paradox
As I sit wondering where the energies might lead me, I start to feel pains surfacing in my belly. At first, intuitions tell me I am reading and/or eating energy from others. As I raise my vibrations and focus on embracing my power, the pains disappear.
Later, inner guidance causes me to focus on deep, slow breathing. As I do so, anxious energy immediately bursts into my diaphragm area, followed quickly by a painful kicked-in-the gut sensation. This time, I know the pain to be my own. Intuitions whisper that I am facing another terrifying layer of the God-drama stuff that had swarmed me earlier this morning.
As I use rational mind to consider options of how to continue, I suddenly catch myself in head thinking. Instead, I let go of analysis and feel guided to visualize a hamster wheel, repeatedly asking the light to show me where to go next.
After a while of following various metaphors, I finally get in touch with Higher Energies.
In a beautiful paradox, I am giggling in high-vibe space with my heart, yet I am simultaneously feeling deeply abandoned, rebellious, rejected, betrayed, victimized, and pushed out of the picture. These emotions are intense, but I am not identified with them in any way. I know that these are merely the feelings of the agonizing density in my belly.
Owning The Perpetrator
Intuitions tell me to work with these emotions as if they are aspects of self – parts of me who are hurting and struggling. I connect deeply, sending love and exuding compassion for these rejected parts of me.
Eventually, I start to realize that I am the perpetrator. I am the one that pushed down these parts of me, repressing them, abandoning them, rejecting them, and betraying them. I am the bad guy, the abuser, and the betrayer. Throughout my life, I have been outwardly projecting that “perpetrator role” onto other people, while at the same time experiencing the pains of being the victim of others (when I was really the victim of myself).
“Ouch,” I ponder. “This realization really stings. I AM the perpetrator of my own pain.”
As I focus on loving this perpetrator in me, the process is deeply humbling. While owning this painful role, I profoundly apologize to the rest of me, loving, begging forgiveness, and hugging the other aspects-of-me who have been rejected, abandoned, and forced to “hide out” in my belly.
I feel beautiful, magical, loving swirls as energy wiggles and churns inside me. I know this is real. I feel deeply compassionate, seeing these energies as wounded parts of me – wounded BY me.
Following a recent theme, I spend a great deal of time focusing on the “abandoned mailroom employee.” I see all of these wounded aspects of me as similar energies who were abandoned and left to fend for themselves while I ignored them, pretending that they were not there. I hid them … and I buried them.
Cherished Old Friends
Around mid-afternoon, I share my process with Keith, telling him what I am doing.
“Do you have any suggestions?” I ask.
Keith tells me that what I am doing is good, and that it is literally right down at the core of my God drama.
“You are following the flow, not identifying with anything, and are trusting the light,” Keith congratulates me. “Just keep following.”
A minute later, I start to sob with deep sadness as I suddenly realize that I see these inner pains as being old friends.
“I don’t want these dense-energy pains to leave.” I ponder with shock. “I am attached to them. I will miss them. Who will I be without this core dysfunction?”
When I quickly share this new insight with Keith, he again congratulates me for reaching another level of understanding at the core of my projections.
“Yeah,” I respond to Keith. “I now clearly see a lifelong pattern of behavior projected from this core emotion – created by ME abandoning my self.”
A Restrictive Chain
Going back into silent meditation, I sit with flowing metaphors for a very long time. Energies repeatedly shift and move … beautiful feelings of love come and then fade … pains surface and then transmute.
Through it all, I focus on surrender, relaxing into the pains. I continue to see the pains as resistance, making frequent use of that hot-spring metaphor, imagining myself walking into extremely hot water, surrendering to the temperatures of these pains.
Gradually, the pains increasingly disappear into feelings of expansion. My belly continually feels more connected and solid as new magical energies rise to my throat.
Later, in the midst of this beautiful process, a belt of tightness squeezes the top of my solar plexus, as if a chain is tightly binding me, restricting energy flow.
“Please move upward,” I ask the energetic chain.
I am simply following intuitions as I make this request of intention. I observe with amazement as the tight restrictive band does slowly move up, feeling increasingly lighter with each step. Finally, when the chain reaches my heart, I feel it dissolve into beautiful bursts of energy.
A Beautiful Powerful Flow
As more painful densities surface in my belly, I relax and ask them to also rise up to my heart.
Gradually, I feel bubbles of these pains slip up to my heart, where they dissolve into pleasant energy bursts. The flow increases as I ask Higher Self to help repair and/or reconnect damaged energy channels all over my body.
Over time, the energies in my belly begin to dance, feeling smooth and playful, filling my abdomen from front to back. It is very nice, yet somewhat uncomfortable – kind of like foot-waking-up sensations where energy returning to sleeping areas can be quite intense in the beginning stages.
I sit in this beautiful flow of magic until the end of the ceremony. It gets better and better as I hold space and share energy with others who are in their own process.
I feel powerful today. Even though I have felt intense emotional pains, I have remained in a high vibration for the whole ceremony – doing deep inner work without lowering my own vibrations to do it. Even when I cried, I was simultaneously giggling inside.
At times, I have even felt a new flow of energy seeming to come from Mother Earth, rising through my lower chakras, occasionally reaching my heart. I have experienced similar energies before, but never as strongly as today.
A Different Journey
“You had a very different journey today,” Keith shares as I prepare to go home.
“Yeah,” I giggle. “I am going really deep.”
“You are surrendering to the flow and following Higher Energies,” Keith congratulates me. “And it is making a huge difference in your work.”
After walking home with a friend, I realize that I do not have any beans for tonight, so I quickly decide to take Bobby and Sharon out for a special treat – another evening of burgers and fries.
I remain in this magical, high-vibration energy throughout the evening.
My Own Movie
Early Tuesday morning, as I prepare for a day of writing, I open my email and find a beautiful quote that touches me deeply. It is “A Moment of Oneness, #141” from Rasha. The text reads as follows:
“The perspective of the witness does not allow for self-recrimination, or for regret. For circumstances were as they were for good reason. You set about to illustrate for yourself an unforgettable story. And the poignancy of that experience would not have been possible if you had simply sampled the concepts in theory alone. You can empathize with the vicarious pain and traumas of another being, but you cannot truly walk in anyone else’s shoes but your own. You could not have hoped to attain the perspective of true knowingness, had you not supplied the vivid details of true-life experience yourself.
This clarity that comes of hard-earned experience is what you now have to give to others who are where you have been. Now you are able to reach out in a way that is real to others in the throes of the process of awakening. Now you are in a position to really make the mark upon the world that you had always silently hoped to – one compassionate moment at a time. For, now you are in a position to speak from a place of self-knowledge. And that vantage point is only possible when you watch the reruns of your movie with your eyes wide open.”
Wow, the words of this quote fill me with giggles of insight as I ponder how my own difficult journey was indeed so necessary – and how profoundly it is preparing me to be in a position to help others. I love how my writing is just like watching the reruns of my own movie, opening my eyes wide as I observe my journey with a more healed perspective.
When I later publish, “An Expanding Toolbox,” my heart overflows with gratitude for the amazing journey that continues to unfold.
A Painful Chain
After a delightful sleep and a morning of magical energy, I again find myself sitting on Keith’s porch for another public chocolate ceremony. It is Wednesday, May 22, 2013 – the final Wednesday ceremony in San Marcos. In fact, after today, there will be only three more ceremonies before Keith stops to make final preparations for his European tour.
The porch fills with a nice group of people – a mixture of mostly new people, with a porch regular mixed in here and there. I am bubbly, eagerly participating in conversation with others as we wait for the ceremony to begin.
During the “Glow meditation,” I start to feel a new layer of pains in my solar plexus.
“I hope I am just reading these,” I ponder as I breathe energy into my heart, while simultaneously focusing on relaxation.
But the pains do not go away, and strong intuitions begin to whisper that these pains are my own. Over the next half hour, the pain increases in intensity. It feels like a tight, chain-like band, squeezing sharply around my chest, just below the heart.
Nothing Works, Getting Nowhere
Eventually, at an appropriate moment, I make eye contact with Keith and speak.
“This is mine, isn’t it?” I ask. “I just want confirmation that I am not scamming myself.”
Keith tells me that I am picking up a tiny bit of pain from others, and that this is triggering my own inner pain.
“But about 95% of what you feel is your own pain,” Keith then confirms.
I do not ask Keith for guidance on how to work with the pain. I am happy to have received confirmation that I am not scamming myself, and I feel fully capable of following my own inner guidance to see where it takes me.
I repeatedly try several different things. At first, I see these pains as density and just focus on bringing in more light, etc … but I get nowhere. I do not feel much if any guidance, and seem to make no progress. I then ask the pains to get bigger and stronger … asking the angels to help … and inviting the pain to join me in an inner conference room.
Finally, as each of these attempts takes me nowhere, I approach the pain as if it is an aspect of self, resisting me.
Still, nothing works.
Through all of these unsuccessful attempts, I remain in a very high energy … in a state of love and peace … not judging the pain … actually loving the pain … seeing it as healing metaphors that simply need my love … trusting and surrendering to inner knowing that something will eventually happen.
An Exercise In Trust
“This is an exercise to get me out of my head,” I ponder new intuitions. “It is an opportunity to practice surrender and trust.”
“You are doing really well at staying out of your head,” Keith unexpectedly interrupts the silence at one point.
I smile back, without speaking, continuing to trust and follow. Finally, as I feel increasingly unsure of myself, I speak up.
“I am feeling stuck and wonder if you can see anything in my process where I am not getting it,” I beg for any guidance Keith might provide.
“I feel like a chain is wrapped tightly around the base of my heart,” I quickly add. “And everything I have tried does not seem to work.”
“You are NOT stuck,” Keith then shares. “This is designed to help you trust and surrender, staying out of rational mind.”
“Wow,” I ponder with a giggle. “I love how Keith’s response is perfectly in line with my own ongoing guidance.
The Empath Setup
I again return to pure trust while sending love to this part of me that remains agonizingly painful. I increasingly focus on the idea that this pain comes from one or more aspects of self that are trying to protect my heart – to keep it shut down as a means of keeping me safe. But as I work with the usual “aspect of self” metaphors, I still get nowhere.
Finally, at around 4:00 p.m., Keith begins an empath training for many of the new people who are present.
Earlier in the ceremony, one woman had been crying deeply, and both Keith and I had assisted her to release a huge amount of density that she had empathically taken in from others. In the middle of that woman’s process, Keith had been called away for some chocolate-shipping business. During Keith’s twenty-minute absence, I had taken over and helped the woman all by myself. While participating in this way, my heart was alive with power. The process had profoundly energized me, and the woman had later provided beautiful feedback about how I had indeed helped her.
I had noted that, while working with this woman, my heart-chains had temporarily relaxed, slightly lessening the pains, but that the pains had again increased when that process was complete.
But nothing could prepare me for what happens next, as Keith begins phase one of the training – a phase where we ask a Higher Being to presence themselves six feet in front of us, sending us real emotional density. This phase is one where we receive emotional density in our old, dysfunctional way – where we physically “eat” the emotions, and painfully store them inside of our own body.
Loyal Secret Service Agents
Anyway, as Keith begins guiding the first step of the empath training, I again call in Archangel Michael to stand six feet in front of me.
Almost immediately, I become an emotional train wreck. As I ask for dense emotional energies to flow toward and into me, I get agonizingly sidetracked by my own painful journey.
Strong intuitions silently shout that the sharp chain of pain surrounding the base of my heart is made up of profoundly loyal secret service agents. As a child, I put these protector energies there as my most trusted body guards, all in a desperate attempt to keep my heart safe.
As I ponder this meditative scenario, I am overwhelmed by profound love and gratitude for these faithful servants – servants continually protecting my heart from that “evil” empath energy – the very energy that is bombarding me right now – the very energy that I desire to open.
“These really are profoundly loyal parts of me that have kept me alive for fifty-eight years,” I ponder through deep emotion. “They are loyal energies, and loving energies.”
As I ponder the overwhelming deep love I have for them, I realize that it is now time to ask these secret service agents to stop doing their job – to ask them to leave their post and to take on new responsibilities. As I visualize these bodyguards stepping down, I feel unexpectedly overcome with deep sadness. It is as if I am losing very old friends – friends that I love with all my heart. The emotion is real, extremely deep, and unbelievably sad.
An Overwhelming Mix
At the same time, I feel overwhelmed by swirling, ominous fear about what will happen next when this protection is gone.
“What if there is an energetic assassination attempt and these agents are no longer there?” I ponder the intense fear.
In response to this fear, I repeatedly reassure my heart that we have higher partners in place to handle that scenario, and that we now know how to call on them.
But I continue to drown in an overwhelming mix of love, sadness, and fear. It is actually quite beautiful, but the intensity of this emotion is shocking. It comes and goes in bursts. I hold back muffled sobs as I disengage from the rest of the training. Over and over, I surrender to the emotions, asking the light to show me what it would do with them. Each time that I ask, the light takes me deeper into the emotional soup.
Finally, near the end of the training, the emotion completely overwhelms me as I break down to blubbering sobs and dry heaving. As soon as I reach this level of emotional release, I again appeal to the light, asking it to now transmute what is ready – or perhaps take me deeper still.
As most of the emotion quickly transmutes, I sit back in shock, feeling numb and quite moody.
Time Will Tell
We are bagging more chocolate tonight, and I have stayed well beyond the hour that will give me time to rush home for rice and beans. But I am so emotional that I ignore the time and continue to surrender.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” A dear friend bends over as others hurriedly clear the porch for a busy evening of bagging.
“I am in a very good place,” I respond to my friend, “but intense emotions are flowing through me.”
As I share with her what is happening, I hit another few deep waves that again take me to the level of dry heaving. This dear friend holds space, encourages me to go for it, and shares incredibly beautiful energy. After each wave, I bring in light, and feel much more stable. In fact, light now swirls in my head, and magical lightness fills my entire forehead.
I feel as if I am in a state of post-traumatic shock. I know I did profound work. I need no congratulations or validation from Keith or anyone else. Even though rational mind understands only the bare details, I somehow know that what I just did was extremely profound.
“Only time will tell,” I ponder as I stand up and prepare to leave. “But something is very different inside me.”
Finally Getting It
There is no time to talk as I quickly hug Keith and a few others. I then rush home, change clothes, grab a quick peanut butter sandwich, and rush back to Keith’s porch.
By the time we finish bagging another three-hundred pounds of freshly ground cacao, I am again vibrating in beautiful magical energy.
After returning home, I am surprised by an opportunity to use that magical energy when a friend unexpectedly knocks on my door, seeking assistance with her own emotional pain. I am so energized with my own new growth that I easily guide her back to her own state of inner giggles.
“Wow, I finally get it,” I later ponder when my friend leaves. “After two and a half years of understanding all of this stuff with rational mind, I am finally getting how to use the energies to transmute density. It is so incredibly simple, yet is so fleeting and elusive when trying to engage the mind.”
As I drift off to sleep, my forehead swirls with new energy movements. I am quite excited by the events of the day.
A Loyal Secret Service
These four days have been profound and powerful. Sunday began with jabbing social triggers – triggers based on nothing factual. But I soon managed to return to a magical glowing energy. As I rode that energy through an intense ceremony, I felt and healed deep emotional layers, taking me to profound understanding of the emotional grief behind the loss of my third-eye connections to both the Mother Earth and to Higher Knowing. Playing with my third-eye chakra, literally faking it till I made it, I then rode an amazing wave of energy that seemed to profoundly assist in the inner process of three friends, all of which gave me beautiful feedback on the energy they felt from me.
Monday brought more of the intense triggers – insane feelings of abandonment and betrayal – but I again managed to find transparency, arriving at the afternoon ceremony with a beautiful energy. As those feeling again surfaced during the ceremony, I held space for them with a high-vibe giggle. Eventually, the breadcrumbs took me to a place of experiential understanding, where I absolutely knew that I am the abusive perpetrator that continues to cause inner parts of me to feel abandoned, betrayed, and ignored. Finally, as I began to surrender and release these parts of me, I experienced deep sadness, realizing that after more than five decades of living with these pains, they actually seem like cherished old friends.
But it was on Wednesday that the deepest growth came when a tight chain of pains pinched my body. After an entire ceremony of following clues with trust and surrender, the trust finally paid off. During an unexpected empath training, it suddenly became quite clear that the pains were showing me a layer of protection – metaphorical secret service agents that were attempting to loyally protect my heart from more empath agony. As I began the process of dropping this protection and allowing the energy to flow, an overwhelming mix of emotions flowed through me, eventually bringing great healing.
The growth has been amazing. I really feel as if I am doing my inner work at a new level of trust and surrender, increasingly following a flow rather than using rational mind. I cannot explain how or why, but after all this time, all this intense inner work, I really do feel as if I am finally getting it.
I feel deep gratitude for those loyal secret service agents, but for the first time in my life, I know that I no longer need them to keep me safe.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved