Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “A Loyal Secret Service.”
Early Thursday morning, May 23, 2013, I board a small public boat and rush off across the lake to Panajachel, where I take care of much needed shopping and banking.
Later, as I wait for the afternoon workgroup ceremony, I am delighted when an old friend walks in, having arrived late last evening. I will call her Brianne (not her real name).
“Wow, you are glowing, and radiating light,” Brianne tells me as we exchange hugs, “much more so than when I last saw you a couple months ago.”
Brianne is the same woman about whom I had temporarily allowed myself to get lost in silly triggers on Sunday and Monday. I am delighted when I clearly see that our friendship is strong and intact. All of my silly ego storytelling served a beautiful healing purpose, but it is now more clear than ever that the triggers had absolutely nothing to do with present-day fact, or with my friend.
Confusing Cryptic Conversation
Ten of us fill the porch as we enter a silent forty-five minute meditation. When Keith finally speaks and announces his readiness to work with others, I find myself in beautiful energy, but I am also feeling another empty aching sensation in the center of my solar plexus. Rather than judge my self, I focus on self-love, surrendering to the pain, inviting light, and following a flow of inner metaphors.
But not much guidance is surfacing in that flow.
After a while, Keith again breaks the silence as he speaks to me, complimenting me on my beautiful energy today. He tells me that I am radiating very high vibrations that are helping others. He then mentions how it is specifically helping one dear friend.
“I have a deep emptiness ache in my belly,” I then ask for guidance. “I am focused on loving the pain, seeing it as something in the process of healing, but I do not seem to be making any progress in my journey.”
I somewhat expect a short response, so I find myself pleasantly surprised when Keith spends a great deal of time discussing the issue with me. At first, Keith jokes with me, asking how it feels to be in a place where I have pains, but they are no longer kicking me in the gut, weighing me down, etc. In Keith’s attempt at cryptic, congratulatory humor, I feel quite lost.
“I don’t quite understand your point?” I ask a couple of times during this ongoing, confusing conversation.
Mother Earth Tingles
From the discussion that follows, I eventually figure out what I “think” Keith is saying.
“I think he is telling me that I am in a very good place,” I ponder silently, “and that I have let go of so much density and dysfunctional belief systems, that the empty-ache I feel is where those things used to live – an emptiness that I am not quite used to. Keith seems to imply that this empty space is not quite repaired, not yet filled up with what really belongs there.”
I never fully confirm this interpretation with Keith. I am attempting to stay out of my rational mind, so I let myself remain somewhat confused while I go on simply feeling and following.
I wait for inner breadcrumbs to guide me, consistently focusing on love while trying many things – most of which do not work. Repeatedly, I get the feeling that it is time to connect more with Mother Earth. I am feeling beautiful, tingling energy at the base of my spine and hips, mostly on my backside. The energy is pleasant and vibrating, but intermittent … starting, pausing, starting some more, lingering a while, pausing, etc.
Glowing Hurt
Again, Keith unexpectedly speaks up and gushes with comments about my high vibration today. He makes a specific point to emphasize with clarity how beautiful my energy is, how it is helping the group today, and anchoring in a lot of light.
“Thank you,” I repeatedly tell Keith as he shares this magical feedback for what feels like a long time.
I love how Keith is validating me so strongly today. I feel a huge inner smile, with glowing energy filling me throughout.
“But I HURT in my belly,” I ponder with confusion. “Yes, I am in a beautiful glowing energy, but I HURT!”
Inner guidance tells me that this is the second day in a row where I need to focus on profound trust and surrender … on knowing that the answers will come. I try to be patient as I engage repeated metaphors to explore the pain. Everything I attempt seems to get me nowhere, so I just wait … and wait … and wait.
Meanwhile, I imagine ego trudging ahead on that hamster wheel, pushing forward on an endless journey of impatiently searching, while I visualize myself stepping off the wheel and patiently allowing. I giggle as I ponder this metaphor. It helps me to relax and disengage while allowing ego to do whatever it wants. I note that I am much more peaceful when I do this, and aware of many more feelings too.
Patiently Waiting
Remembering that most of the original pain had suddenly surfaced while simply focusing on deep, relaxed breathing, I soon return to more such breathing. As I do, the pains and tingles in my belly shift slightly, momentarily relaxing and then getting stronger.
“This pain is related to something wanting to open,” I ponder new intuitions. “The pains are related to my own resistance to allowing this to happen.”
Following another intuitive burst, I quietly immerse myself in a pillar of light meditation, filling all my chakras with energy while asking Higher Self to help in repairing, reconnecting, and unclogging damaged energy channels in my body. I soon imagine thousands of angelic neurosurgeons coming into my energetic field and reconnecting nerve channels at a physical level. As I do so, I feel more energy and strength return to the painful regions in my belly.
“This is where most of the “power” damage was done by my mother’s unknowing psychic surgeries,” I ponder.
I soon invite my mother’s Higher Essence to join the meditation, and I ask her to assist in fixing the damage. Gradually, I sense a great deal of energetic change taking place in my abdomen … but it still hurts. I continue to wait patiently, trusting and surrendering.
Storytelling Setups
As one friend talks to Keith about how she wants to upgrade her root chakra, the ensuing conversation captivates me deeply. Keith mentions how the root chakra is not just related to survival, but is also related to a “sense of belonging.”
I perk up immediately and realize that, throughout my life, I have never felt like I belonged, not anywhere.
“I want to belong,” I ponder repeatedly.
I pursue the new understanding that I have been ignoring my root chakra, hardly paying any attention to it in the past. As I focus on bringing energy into my root, I start to feel a little expanding emotion. The more I surrender, the more I gradually reach a point of beginning to dry heave – wanting to vomit out what is now very intense emotional agony.
At this point, I quickly invite the light to fill me, to take me to the next step. As I further surrender, the emotion gradually vanishes – but I still have pain in my belly.
Soon, a dear friend (I will call her Kelly) leans over and begins to talk to me, engaging in nonstop storytelling about her newly discovered insights in her own process. I listen politely as Kelly whispers, but I am so deep in my own inner journey that I am not able to relate or understand much. Her conversations feels like rational mind stories that do not resolve anything. I cannot concentrate, and her talking is actually annoying me deeply.
“I am sorry,” I finally interrupt after at least five minutes. “I cannot focus right now. I am in process, and this is pulling me out.”
Kelly smiles and disengages. Seconds later, she invites another friend to sit by her, and proceeds to talk even louder, going on for over twenty minutes as she describes rational mind insights about amazing things that just happened to her. I love Kelly, but her talking is unexpectedly driving me insane.
Giggling Insights
As I sit in my process, attempting to ignore the loud conversation, I continue to surrender to my flow, feeling, following, loving myself … and yes, still in pain.
Increasingly, Kelly’s conversation disturbs me. It is nonstop storytelling. From what I hear, it has nothing to do with actual processing … it is just talking about former processing insights.
“I get it,” I suddenly ponder with a silent giggle. “Such storytelling does not solve anything, and traditional talk-therapy or psychotherapy does not solve anything either. After ten years of counseling at such levels, someone can know exactly why they do things … but they often still do them anyway.”
“The real healing comes from the Higher Energies,” I continue to ponder. “All the nonstop stories are nothing more than a means of searching for the truth – simply delaying and hiding the discovery of the real truth. Wow!”
I have heard Keith share similar statements for a couple of years now, but I finally understand the profound wisdom in this knowing. I myself have been lost in such stories, wanting to talk about everything so that I could figure it out. I now clearly understand that talking is superfluous – that it is the process of feeling the emotions and then surrendering them to the light that really matters. Understanding can be helpful, but it is not what does the actual healing.
Conversation Confusion
At one point, as Kelly’s talking continues, I glance at Keith, exchanging a smile of recognition. He is briefly glancing at Kelly’s conversation too – and intuitions whisper that we are both smiling at the same thing.
I am not judging anything … not demanding that anything change … but am just checking to see if Keith is noticing. The shared smile says it all.
As Keith then turns away and proceeds to ignore the loud conversation, doing nothing, I get the feeling that this should be my response as well. But as I attempt to focus on my own process, Kelly’s stories continue to distract me.
Soon, as I watch two other friends take turns going into deep processing, I can no longer handle the distracting noise next to me.
“Can you please hold space for others?” I quietly whisper to my noisy friend.
When Kelly tells me that her talking is extremely important for her process, I back off and allow her to have her own truth. I know that this storytelling is triggering me deeply, and that it will prove to be an integral part of my process.
Soon, I simply stand up and move to a different part of the porch, close to a friend who is in deep release. This solves two problems. I am further from Kelly’s distraction, and I am now sharing energy with another beautiful soul.
As I sit sharing energy with Mara, I continue to hurt. But I ignore my pains as I occasionally whisper guidance to Mara, encouraging her to trust herself. Soon, as Mara stabilizes, I feel guided to return to my own seat.
I Don’t Belong
Meanwhile, a huge thunderstorm has unleashed its fury, and Kelly has now engaged yet another person in long storytelling about her process.
As I sit back down by Kelly, who is now talking about leaving before the pounding rain gets worse, Kelly turns to face me, and we briefly stare into each other’s eyes. Kelly again reassures me how important her talking had been for her.
“I just felt it was a lot of stories that don’t really process anything,” I lovingly respond to Kelly.
Our brief conversational exchange is loving and compassionate. I can allow her to have her truth.
As I stare into her eyes, the real issue then starts to bubble to the surface.
“I don’t belong,” I ponder through swelling tears. “This conversation with Kelly is a perfect mirror of what has happened throughout my life.”
An Isolating Alien Loser
As I ponder the awkwardness of my conversation with Kelly, I know that, in my life, in every instance, I have always tried to do the right thing. But I have never felt like I belonged – feeling like an alien, not conforming to anyone else’s rational mind description of reality – feeling stupid, not fitting in, giving my power away, isolating and hiding as a social loser.
As I keep staring into Kelly’s eyes, these unfolding insights continue to flow with clarity. Quite soon, I break into sobs and dry heaves. The thunderstorm is so loud that no one else seems to even notice my tears, but Kelly bends down and holds a beautiful energetic space for me.
Once I begin to dry heave, I bring in light. As the emotion starts to transmute, I sit quietly for a minute or two, feeling deeply numb. Then I quickly sink into another deep layer. As I process through four or five additional layers of emotion, I am almost screeching with agony at times. Kelly holds space as I go deeper into these emotions of not belonging. I feel all of it deeply, but I am still not getting much rational mind clarity.
A Conformity Robot
As I begin to recover from deep emotional release, I take note that another friend is now engaged in nonstop stories with two other women. The stories are totally unrelated to inner work, and this friend seems to be on an ego trip as others listen to her wisdom (most of which does not resonate with me in any way). To my surprise, two other women to my left then begin to engage in more nonstop, unrelated stories. The stage-play mirror being presented to me is so intense that it is almost comical.
As I continue to observe and listen, more and more insights flood into my awareness.
“This type of storytelling IS a major cause of my childhood shutdown!” I ponder with astounding clarity. As a child, I was surrounded by nonstop storytelling, most of which felt to my heart like absolute bullshit … but I was forced to listen to it … forced to conform to it … and was soon consumed by it.”
As I attempt to silence my mind, I am in agony with every word echoing around me. I literally want to run away from the porch. I want to scream as I desperately attempt NOT to listen to the loud conversations blaring around me. It is insanity … and it IS the story of my life.
As a tiny child, I was in my heart. I tried to relate to others from my heart space, but everyone else around me was in their head. I felt rejected, made wrong, stupid, slammed, and punished for not wanting to conform. The verbal rejection of my right-brained nature made me believe that something was horribly wrong with me.
I did not understand the nonsensical conversations around me … I did not fit in … I did not belong … I did not want to belong … and I suffered. Finally, in desperation, I surrendered, giving up my “dysfunctional ways,” becoming a conformity robot, desperately seeking to belong.
Exploring Relating
In the midst of unfolding porch chaos, I reflect back on my entire life. It seems that feeling as if something were horribly wrong with me has been a deeply rooted belief. But now, I understand that nothing was wrong with me, nothing at all – that I simply did not relate to the alien left-brained reality around me. Yes, I wanted to fit in, but I was different and did not want to waste my time on what to me felt like “shallow, left-brained stuff.”
For most of my life, I have blamed my gender struggles as being the source of me not fitting in – but I am now quite clear that I did not fit in even when no one else knew of my struggles. I simply did not relate … period. I didn’t know how to engage in what I perceived as meaningless, frivolous stories. They bored and confused me, and as a result, left me feeling as if something was defective in me.
In school, I wanted to be popular, but I did not relate to the popular kids, and did not want to be like them.
Throughout life, I wanted to fit in to group social conversations, but often did not relate to the topics. So I isolated myself and felt stupid – wanting, but NOT wanting to be like them.
In fact, as I ponder ever deeper, I realize that all of the dear friendships that I have in my life came from shared experience – from experiences that were meaningful in a heart space. I truly love those friends with all my heart, and can discuss heart matters with them for hours on end. But when any of them go into conversational topics to which I do not relate, I want isolate and hide, even from them.
Deep introspection clearly reveals that throughout my life, I have never felt that I belonged unless I was with a group of people bound by heart-based experience, engaged in meaningful heart-based pursuits. In all other social situations, I have felt myself to be a clueless, terrible misfit, from childhood through adulthood, even now.
Now, for the first time in my life, I am gaining clarity that I am NOT a clueless social misfit … that there is nothing wrong with me … that I DO belong … but that I simply do not have a desire to engage in activities or conversation where heart-based connections are pushed aside for the extreme opposite.
Emotions Of Understanding
Finally, the rains have stopped and I stand up and tell Kelly that I have to leave – to get off the porch – that there is too much storytelling going on and that it is deeply triggering me. I have finally realized that stories like these today were the cause of a large portion of my childhood shutdown. Like the rains a few minutes ago, the lesson is literally pounding me right now. I am in a state of energetic panic from the external stimuli.
As I look around to find Keith, someone tells me he is down in the garden. When I walk down the steps and give him a quick hug, I am shocked by the level of emotion that unexpectedly erupts from within me.
“I am in a really good place,” I explain through bursting sobs. “It is just a ton of emotion suddenly flowing through me.”
I quickly summarize my journey of the day, and tell Keith how I now know that rational mind talking is at the core of my not wanting to belong to most things in this world.
As I start to walk away, Keith asks me to follow him up to the gate area, where he talks to me for a while as he keeps working in the garden.
Multifaceted Healing
Keith gives me beautiful feedback … telling me I am on the right track … that I am finally getting it … and that stories just reinforce and reenergize emotions for another loop.
I love the feeling as Keith talks to me about my process. I mostly just listen as he validates my insights and reactions to the stories that were going on around the porch today.
“Keith,” I then share, “I now understand why I often want to isolate socially, not enjoying or wanting to be around many conversations.”
“What you are doing now will help you heal that and take you to a place where you don’t need to engage in that kind of conversation.” Keith guides me. “But when you heal this, those types of conversations will not bother you anymore, even if you do choose to participate in them.”
“Wow,” I ponder as I begin to walk home. “It is not only empath energy that causes me to want to isolate … it is also rational mind words and stories … especially when such stories do not relate to my own beliefs.’
Heart Stories
I begin to ponder my blog, realizing that “Yes, I AM sharing stories,” but that I am using my writing as a means of communicating from the heart. This is something I was never been able to do or develop in the past, because I did not feel as if I belonged, and I believed it was not interesting to others.
“Now,” I ponder with a giggle, “I am using my writing to develop the skill of heart-based communication, and to integrate my own healing, without caring if others relate or not.”
“And I now understand why some people socially intimidate me so much,” I continue to ponder. “At least know-it-all type people who believe they have all the answers and correct truth.”
As a tiny child, I did not have the strength, confidence, or wisdom to withstand the onslaught of strong-minded opinions and dominant speech of others.
All clues point to this as the core of my lifelong feeling of not belonging – to the core of my God drama itself. In social situations, I did not know how to tell a proper joke, how to laugh, or to tell a story. And I was terrified of expressing an opinion unless I knew that others would agree with me.
I find new strength in the realization that having no social confidence was not the result of me being a loser … it was the result of me simply not being socially interested in trying to relate at a level that felt like a betrayal to my own heart.
A Priceless Experience
After arriving at home, I step into my bedroom and quickly begin to process through many more layers of deep emotional release. The more I ponder these new unfolding insights, the more emotions come up to be felt and transmuted. I bring in a great deal of light to assist me.
At 8:00 p.m., when I finally get up to type a few notes, I am numb and almost in shock – feeling tired, exhausted, and drained. But to my delight, I am also flowing with energy – light energy that fills my head and my abdomen.
I am just trusting and surrendering to my flow. The intense process today has profoundly helped me to resolve countless layers of emotions – bringing new, meaningful, heart-based understanding of something that could never be understood from reading a book, or a blog.
For me, it has been a priceless experience.
While most of the emotions have been transmuted, many continue to flow. Constant focus is frequently required to remind myself that what is flowing through me is NOT me … it is just old emotions coming up and on their way out.
Even as I prepare for bed, pains in my belly continue to poke and prod, but I trust that they are healings in progress – part of my ongoing process. Soon, I drift peacefully to sleep.
Not Belonging Revisited
Friday afternoon, around ten beautiful people occupy Keith’s porch. As he prepares to lead the “Glow Meditation,” Keith suddenly surprises me when he turns and speaks.
“Brenda, how are you doing today?” Keith asks. “I was going to ask you when you arrived, but I forgot, and I know that you were in deep stuff yesterday.”
“I’m doing well, in a nice energy,” I respond with a smile.
In a short conversation that ensues, I summarize my journey of additional processing, and all of my insights regarding “not belonging,” and how I am really getting that this is at the core of my God drama.
After again congratulating me, Keith turns and begins to talk to the whole group. He explains that much of what we do on the porch is about undoing childhood-conditioning and that “not belonging” is an experience common to most everyone. Keith then adds that all of us came into this life as magical children, born during a time when higher energy was not yet in resonance, and that our childhood shutdowns were an intended part of our journey.
What unfolds is a ten minute group discussion, one in which I repeatedly feel deeply validated for the intense work that I am doing.
New Beginnings
As I soon go deep in the “Glow Meditation,” I note that my belly again begins to hurt sharply.
“Ouch,” I ponder with frustration.
“It is another layer,” I silently mull over Keith’s frequent advice. “Are you going to do it or not?”
“This is NOT the same old stuff,” I remind myself. I have NOT already done this work. This is a new day, with new issues, and it is time to begin again, surrendering and following.”
I am really getting it … and I also get that today will be another day of trust and surrender.
Infinite Patience
For the first hour, I sit in silence, hurting a great deal, loving the pains, following the pains, and testing several metaphors to work with the pains … but nothing seems to take me anywhere.
I continue to love myself for having the courage to sit back and trust. Soon, a young man does some work in which he mentions that he is impatient in his own process.
“Yup,” I ponder silently. “I am profoundly impatient again.”
“Infinite patience brings immediate results,” I ponder one of my favorite A-Course-In-Miracles quotes.
Ignoring the impatient feeling, I return to trust, surrender, and infinite patience. On a regular basis, I ask ego to go walk in the hamster wheel, while I sit quietly in the pain, loving myself with compassion.
Stay The Course
Finally, I speak up and ask Keith for some back-watching support, wanting to make sure I am not scamming myself.
“Is this another of those trust and surrender days?” I ask in a cryptic message, one that I know Keith will understand.
“Yes,” Keith responds after checking. “That is what I am getting for you.”
I love how Keith’s guidance clearly matches my own.
“This is the third day in a row with intense pains,” I then add verbally. “I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t missing something.”
Keith again quickly confirms that I am in a beautiful process, doing quite well, and that I should just trust and follow.
As minutes turn into hours, I keep reminding myself that in the last two ceremonies, both ended beautifully, with amazing new growth and insights. I continue to trust that today will be the same. I know I am being given the chance to NOT judge the pain, to NOT identify with the pain, and to show my ability NOT to attach. It is profound and difficult, but I manage to stay the course.
A Scared Lion
I begin working with the pains as if they might be more of that “Loyal Secret Service” metaphor, but I do not get very far on this thread.
Then I begin to see the pain as a frightened puppy in my belly – one needing my love.
I try all kinds of metaphors to go down and sit with the painful fear, leaving bowls of milk, having my inner child play with the puppy, etc, being patient and building trust. I also remind myself of recent revelations that to these frightened parts of me, “I am the perpetrator” in their eyes.
Suddenly, new insight flashes into my mind.
“This is not a scared puppy at all,” I realize. “It is a scared lion … a very abused and frightened lion … and I HAVE been the perpetrator to this lion.”
As I contemplate further opening my energies, I am shocked to recognize that right now, I feel more terrified of the lion than it is of me. We are both feeling victimized by the other. My heart is frightened of distorted masculine power (the agitated lion in my solar plexus) – terrified of what might happen if that rejected power is allowed to return to my heart.
A Terrified And Isolated Heart
“Keith,” I soon find the courage to speak. “I have a rational mind question about fear. I seem to recall that in the past, you have said that, with fear, you don’t have to feel it, that you can just let it go …”
Keith quickly corrects me, explaining that with fear, we do not have to necessarily understand it or pick it apart to see where it comes from, but that we do have to feel it and then ask the light to take it.
I smile when another friend quickly thanks me for asking this question. Apparently, she is dealing with similar issues, but was timid about asking a rational-minded question. I am quite glad that I did.
I quickly explain my “frightened lion” metaphor to Keith before elaborating that my heart is terrified. My heart is frightened of the power in my solar plexus – scared of the ramifications of opened sexuality in the second chakra – tied up in knots over what will happen if I start fully speaking my truth through my throat chakra – and quite afraid to open up third-eye knowing that once got me into so much trouble as a child.
“All of my inner bodyguards are surrounding the heart because my heart is terrified of all the things that caused it to be wounded when we were a child,” I tell Keith as tears begin to flow. “My heart sees everything outside itself as an agitated, dangerous lion.”
Floundering For Metaphors
“You have to feel it to the bottom, Brenda,” Keith encourages me to go into the surfacing emotions.
I go deeper and deeper, starting to drown in the fear.
“You are there now,” Keith adds a few minutes later. “Bring in the light and surrender the fear. Find a metaphor of how you hang on to the fear, and use that metaphor to undo the hanging on.”
Keith’s unexpected statement about finding a new metaphor confuses me, and he can sense my confusion. When he asks if I understand, I tell him “Yes,” but that I am not yet feeling a metaphor. Keith encourages me to find something special, possibly related to the God drama, something that involves clinging to the fear. Eventually, Keith suggests a possible metaphor, but I just cannot get into it, and am struggling deep in the emotion.
Breathing New Life
Suddenly, my mind intuitively drifts to the C. S. Lewis books and movies in “The Chronicles of Narnia” series. In the story, “Aslan” is a central character, showing up in all seven books. Aslan is a great lion – a talking lion – one who is wise, compassionate, and benevolent, yet very strong. The author C. S. Lewis himself, described Aslan as an alternative, metaphorical version of Christ. I like to see this magnificent lion as representing the true epitome of Christ Consciousness in all of his unconditionally loving goodness, undistorted by human dogmas.
“Aslan is in my heart,” I ponder with silent giggles. “Masculine power, in its most divine balance, is already filling my loving, feminine heart.”
“Why would I fear dysfunctional powers from elsewhere?” I ponder with confidence.
Almost immediately, the fears begin to subside and leave. Suddenly, I remember a scene from “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe,” where Lucy and Aslan were at the castle of the “Ice Witch.” During her reign, the witch had frozen perhaps thousands of good creatures, turning them into stone. Immediately, I find myself imagining a scene where Lucy and Aslan are walking among the creatures frozen in stone.
Suddenly, Aslan breathes a warm, life-giving breath to a stone statue. Seconds later, it comes back to life. Aslan then repeats this with every other frozen animal, bringing them all back to physical existence.
Immediately, I imagine Aslan, as my heart itself, breathing life back into all of the various areas of my own body – areas that are mostly dormant to the energies after years of emotional clogging. Slowly, I imagine my heart breathing life force back into shoulders, neck, head, solar plexus, belly, etc, one area at a time.
I do this for a very long time, and find great peace in the process. The pain subsides considerably.
Gangnam What?
As I reach a state of completion, I feel much more relaxed and balanced. Intuitions tell me that this layer of intense fear has been released. I giggle as I realize that the fear was actually upside down and backwards from my original metaphor of a scared lion in my solar plexus.
Even though my loyal secret service agents had been dutifully protecting my heart all these years, I had not felt the fear until I recognized my belly as an angry, scared lion. But once I connected with the true divine energies already in my heart, the fear easily vanished. Properly connected to Higher Energies, my heart has no need to fear anything.
I can only giggle when, out of the blue, the neighbors begin to play “Gangnam Style,” doing so loudly and repeatedly. Quickly, I grab little Bobby bear, hold his hands in mine, and I begin to move him to the beat, dancing all over my body.
I am having fun, lightening the mood, and it works. I feel myself giggling inside, and feeling much lighter.
A Shocking Dilemma
To my surprise, intuitions suddenly guide me to visualize my inner masculine and feminine selves, dancing together to the beat of the music. At first, I feel them giggling and jumping around in unison. Tears of deep love and compassion start to stream down my cheeks. These are tears of profound self-love.
Suddenly, my belly knots up again, hurting painfully. As I feel the agonizing aches, the love stops flowing. For the next forty-five minutes or so, I attempt to visualize little Bobby and Sharon dancing … then my teenage adolescents … and then my adult counterparts. At times, I can feel the love and joyful connection, but mostly, I just feel isolation, and stiff, rebellious, resistance.
I am shocked by the level of continued resentment between these two inner energies – shocked by how hard it is to visualize this self-love being shared between masculine and feminine sides of me.
It is quite clear that I remain far from healing the masculine and feminine balance. I know that the suspicions between heart and solar plexus are also a male/female energy thing – with my feminine heart feeling terrified of dysfunctional masculine power.
I painfully experience the unfolding inner dilemma.
An Interesting Journey
Finally, at around 4:30 p.m., I look up and make eye contact with Keith.
“You have had a very interesting journey today,” Keith tells me.
I am curious what Keith knows, because we have not yet talked about my inner journey.
“Yeah,” I tell him, quickly filling him in on my shifting journey. “I thought I was working with God drama stuff, and now I am suddenly right back with struggles between masculine and feminine selves.”
“Brenda,” Keith points out, “as you heal this next layer of masculine/feminine energies, it will be very huge for you.”
As I pick his brain for ideas, Keith encourages me to work separately with each energy, not prematurely forcing them together, waiting until each is more healed individually. Then, when they are ready, and only then, I should start to bring them together.
“Use your Higher Self to assist you in this process,” Keith then guides me.
Ongoing Pains
A few minutes later, as I prepare to hurry home to eat before yet-another evening of bagging chocolate, I note that my belly is again quite hard, painful, and swollen.
I really get that the solar plexus power, and the pains I feel, represent my fear and hatred of distorted masculine energies – a repressed fear and hatred that is not directed solely at men, but at domination and manipulation from both sides of the gender aisle.
I really want to see these two energetic sides of me loving and cherishing each other, in every scenario.
“Keith,” I beg for some quick back watching. “Is there any chance that all of this stuff I am starting to work on is just more inner scammer, delay tactics, or digging through a mountain with a bent spoon?”
Keith confidently reassures me that this stuff is quite real, and that I need to work with it.
“And it will be very magical when you heal this,” Keith further validates.
An Unforgettable Story
An hour later, as I prepare to gobble down a hurriedly cooked plate of rice and beans, I note that my belly is still quite tender. While munching down on my food, I read a new email containing another “A Moment of Oneness” quote from Rasha. This one, quote #142, touches me deeply. Following is that quote:
“It is not possible to whitewash the poignant passages of the saga you have lived. There is no disguising the details of your sacred journey in gestures of denial. Nor would you wish to. For, what is sacred is the authenticity of where you have truly been on your journey into humanness – not just the pretty parts. In order for a story to have something truly of value to offer, it must be moving and memorable. That is why you wrote it the way you did – and included passages you knew would be unforgettable.”
Even though the not-so-pretty parts of my life have created intense struggle, and continue to do so in my journey toward healing, I find myself feeling truly grateful for the magical understanding that comes from having personally lived every piece. I know that the real value to my story comes from working through this very real struggle. And the story, at least for me, is indeed quite unforgettable.
Deepening Bonds
Saturday, I become quite flexible as I set aside intentions to write so that I can spend quality time with my returning friend Brianne. In several hours of catch-up conversation over a late lunch, I can only giggle as I ponder the insane triggers and fears that had surfaced last Sunday, all from a tiny message exchange.
I am so profoundly grateful for my deep understanding of how projection works – and for my recognition that the emotions I felt earlier in the week were totally of my own making, merely mirrors of the past trying to suck me in to an emotional saga having absolutely nothing to do with present day fact.
I love my conversation with Brianne as we catch up on our last few months, and deepen the friendship bond between us.
Well Placed Trust
These last three days have been packed with magical healing power, taking me on intense metaphorical journeys. But through it all, I mostly managed to maintain a beautiful, high vibration energy, one that frequently received compliments from Keith.
Both of the ceremonies on Thursday and Friday involved intense pains and a process of full surrender, patiently trusting that all will become clear by the end of the day. And in both cases, that trust proved to be well placed.
On Thursday, after being surprisingly triggered by side-talking conversations, I finally came to understand my journey at a level deeper than ever before. While exploring the feeling of “not belonging” it suddenly became excruciatingly obvious that my lifelong struggle with not fitting in or relating to others, was related to my childhood shutdown – to a shutdown largely perpetrated by well-intentioned, logical-minded, storytelling people. The stories perpetrated left-brained beliefs, dogmas of all types, and spurious mental chatter that wounded my heart.
Through it all, my magical heart felt increasingly invalidated and rejected, causing me to isolate as an alien loser – causing me to morph into a conformity robot, struggling to please a world to which I did not relate.
On Friday, with quite a similar start, the journey of trust and surrender unveiled a scared lion in my belly. My heart was cowering in the fear of being eaten alive – thus , the reason for a large contingent of loyal secret service agents to protect my heart energy from attack. Then, as Aslan intuitively appeared to bring loving strength to my heart, all fears vanished, and new life returned to petrified areas of my body.
What shocked me most was the intensity of what occurred next – the intensity of resistant ongoing discord between my masculine and feminine selves.
As I ponder back to Keith’s encouraging words, I truly do anticipate the healed reunion between these two feuding enemies in me. I can only imagine that when the healing comes, it will indeed be magical and unforgettable.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved