My sniffling cat allergies seem to worsen with every night of sleep. I love the little kitties, but caring for them is making me quite miserable. My symptoms do seem to relax during the day, but the sneezing at night is becoming intense.
As usual, when I wake up and shower on Sunday morning, May 18, 2014, my sinuses do mostly clear.
I am beginning to wonder if I can remain in Dan’s house much longer. But in this moment, I don’t have time to give it much thought. Instead, at 7:30 a.m., I quickly step outside, give the cats some food and water, and begin the forty minute walk to Paul Temple’s beautiful home.
Today, I will be participating in my second huachuma (San Pedro) ceremony. I am deeply curious to discover what is next – and wondering if another episode of “freezing cold” might be in my near future.
A Freezing Start
We get a slow start on the ceremony, not drinking the slimy green liquid until shortly before 10:00 a.m.. For me, the effects begin quickly, and I am in a deep journey less than an hour later.
And yes, I am again feeling deeply frozen on the inside. The difference is that, today, I fully understand that seeking out a fire or any other external heat source will simply do no good – and that instead, this freezing cold is an inner energetic metaphor.
Somehow, I get the idea that my job today is to simply ignore and tolerate the cold, doing so with a positive attitude – all the while hoping to receive further guidance that will help me move through it.
As before, when I place my fingertips in the grass, my journey in connecting to the Mother Earth energies deepens considerably, taking me into time-warping journeys.
At one point, the skies begin to lightly drizzle. This is unusual for this time of year. Rainy season ended several weeks ago. Choosing to get out of the falling moisture, I go inside and sit by the fire, fully knowing that it will not make me warm.
Trying To Ignore
Paul soon comes in to check on me.
“I am still freezing inside,” I give Paul a status report, “but I am just ignoring it and trying to remain focused.”
“Whoa,” Paul exclaims with surprise. “I didn’t tell you to ignore the cold. I told you to go INTO it.”
“Wow,” I ponder. “I have been trying to ‘be strong’ in spite of the cold … trying to ignore the uncomfortable things inside me … just as I have done my whole life.”
Freezing To Death
I immediately start meditating, imagining myself stepping into the freezing cold. Soon, I feel as if I have literally stepped into a subzero room that is filled with dry-ice vapor. I feel chilled to the bone and can eerily sense that cold vapor blowing into my cheeks.
As I sit humbly in this meditative space, I see faint visuals accompanied by strong intuition – visuals of tiny and precious living bundles. Inside the wrapped-up bundles are either kittens or human babies. I am not quite sure.
“These precious lives are near death,” the intuitions whisper. “You have abandoned them in the cold outer reaches, in the utter absence of loving energies.”
While visualizing myself exploring these frozen regions of my energy, I literally feel strong physical sensations of being outside in subzero temperatures, with my breath forming ice crystals as I exhale.
“These are parts of me that I have pushed out during my lifetime,” I ponder with clarity.
As I continue, I feel these dying parts everywhere. All of them are freezing. I have ignored them, rejected them, hated them, and abandoned them into the void of no life-giving energy. They are essentially and quite literally freezing to death.
A Walled-Off Freezer
Quickly, with a sense of urgency, I imagine myself running all over my subconscious reality, searching for and finding these parts of me. I hold them and love them, inviting them to join me in the warmth of my heart.
Soon, intuitions take me into realizing that these are not just rejected parts of me. These are also other people and beings on the planet whom I have judged as not being worthy of my time or attention. I have given them the “cold shoulder” and they are starving for warm love – love that I have withheld
“No part left behind,” I begin to repeat over and over in my mind, as I focus on finding anything and everything in my life that I might have rejected with coldness.
Eventually, the metaphor shifts slightly, and I begin to see the cold as being inside my own heart – seeing my heart as a walled-off freezer, with the walls being there to keep other peoples’ love outside of me.
I quickly shift focus to sending loving warmth to my own heart, intending with my personal will that my own protective walls to begin to melt.
Genuine Radiating Warmth
Tears stream down my cheeks throughout most of this meditation. I feel deep sadness and compassion for the parts of me that have been so rejected, and so walled off from receiving true Divine Love.
The emotions are intense, and I make no effort to restrict their expression.
Soon, with all of this meditative love beginning to flow through me, I start to feel warmer. A few minutes later I remove my coat. And then I eventually unzip and take off my sweatshirt, leaving me with only two shirts and a sweater. (Yes, I was really bundled up with multiple layers.)
The “chill-to-the-bones” has subsided, and I finally feel genuine warmth radiating from within my heart.
When I notice that the skies have cleared and that the sun is again shining outside, I return to the outdoors. I want to get away from the fireplace and instead, to connect with my real inner heat source – the same source that was radiating so strongly on Friday evening and early Saturday morning.
Flowing Natural Currents
As I sit on the grass, observing the gorgeous mountain scenery that literally surrounds me, I watch countless birds soaring above me, drifting effortlessly in the natural wind currents. Intuitions soon begin to flow.
“I don’t need to DO this with my own effort,” I begin to ponder. “This journey is being done for me, through natural currents that are warming and thawing that deepfreeze in my heart with perfect timing.”
“I do not need to understand or figure anything out,” the guidance continues. “It is all being guided from above, gently and magically. I really do simply need to surrender and allow the Higher Flow to carry me. The mind is simply not the tool for this job.”
A few minutes later, Paul comes to check on me. When I express my ongoing progress and insights, he profoundly congratulates me on my intuitions, telling me that many people just have to suffer with the “physical freeze”, because they are unable to do what I am presently doing.
I remain outside for a long time, magically enjoying the energy of the beautiful living mountain directly across the valley. It is capped by a cluster of brilliantly glowing clouds that reflect the bright afternoon sun. But the sun is short-lived where I am sitting. It has already disappeared behind the mountains on this side of the valley.
I can tell from the touch of my fingertips that the cold I now feel on the grass is quite real – and not just an energetic metaphor.
Even so, I smile because my heart is warm.
Advancing Allergies
Eventually, as dark approaches, I go inside to join others from my group. I am starving. Paul eventually brings out yummy soup and buttered bread. Soon, my tummy is satisfied and content.
I sit in peaceful silence through most of the evening. At around 8:30 p.m., I pack up my belongings and being the 40 minute walk toward home. Shortly after 9:10 p.m., I feed the kitties and quickly go to bed.
But I cannot sleep much. The energies flowing through me remain quite active.
My allergies are insanely strong. I decide that it is time to start taking some allergy and sinus medications – but it is too late to do much good. The physical symptoms have worsened to the point of giving me a very agitated soreness in my throat – mostly from the constant, nightly post-nasal drip.
Sleep is increasingly more difficult, as my sinuses and lungs begin to fill with mucus.
I realize that taking medicines is essentially “fixing” at this point, but the symptoms are so intense that I can no longer simply ignore and tolerate them. Inner guidance says that the medicines are OK, and that my process with continue with, or without them.
An Exhausting Day
On Monday morning, feeling very tired, it is all I can do to shower, feed the kitties, and walk into town to eat some food. While at the restaurant, I bump into my friend from the hostel, and enjoy a long conversation as we catch each other up regarding our respective journeys.
I spend the afternoon just trying to rest and be gentle with myself. I am so exhausted that I cannot find the motivation to even sit at my computer to type up some notes for a future blog.
And when I later cook and begin to eat a plate of rice and beans, I can barely eat half of them.
A Long, Difficult Night
At shortly after 6:00 p.m., I decide to go to bed. But as I try to rest, I feel guided to sit up and meditate. I have been trying to ignore all these symptoms, and I realize it is time to meditate into them, just as I did with the freezing cold.
As I sit meditating in bed, I soon reach that same state of magical, radiating warmth – a warmth that originates from within. By 7:15 p.m., I am so warm and toasty that I have stripped off several layers of clothing, including my coat and sweatshirt.
Finally, I attempt to sleep, but am unable to relax. It is a long night filled with extreme energy pulsing. I continue to radiate inner warmth, but simply cannot reach a relaxed state. Often, I notice that my breath is rapid and nervous.
And the physical symptoms have become intensely miserable – extremely congested mucus and sore throat. My ears are so plugged and swollen that I can hardly hear, and a loud ringing sound dominates my awareness.
The hours tick by slowly. I recognize clearly that the energy of huachuma continues to work with me in an intense way. In fact, it feels as if I am literally back in a deep huachuma journey that lasts all night long. I am in and out of such journeying, often reaching near-lucid-dreaming states – but I am not asleep.
Even through all the difficulty, I sense the presence of other dimensional support all around me – and even feel as if those who were with me in the ceremony yesterday are still right here supporting me.
But at another level, I understand that this is my own personal and unique journey.
I make frequent bathroom trips, all night long – accompanied by the feeling that the energies are releasing physical toxins that need to be flushed.
And at one point, in the midst of frequent coughing (mucus in lungs), I even feel considerable nausea – enough so that I unsuccessfully attempt to vomit it out on several occasions.
Continuing Deeper
Several times when I begin to feel cold again, I allow myself to journey into the misery and suffering.
Strong intuitions repeatedly tell me that miserable and suffering parts of me remain stored and hidden away in that freezing environment. It seems that I have continued to try to be strong, still ignoring those parts. These hidden energies need me to feel them; they need me to acknowledge their existence with love.
It takes a while to get to the emotional places, but eventually I am sobbing and dry heaving, engaged in deep and intense emotional release. At one point I ask for light and love to help me and the layer fades. Then, a while later, I surrender to another layer of the misery and repeat the release/transmutation process. With each layer released, I feel a little more relaxed and energized.
Finally, at around 6:00 a.m., I open my eyes. I have been awake all night long, not getting any actual sleep. But I did find a great deal of relaxation and rest.
That intense energy had never stopped, lasting all night long.
Allergy Explosions
On Tuesday morning (May 20, 2014), I get out of bed at around 7:45 a.m., with my ears congested and screaming with loud tinnitus. After feeding the kitties, taking more medications, and going online to pay an almost-overdue bill, I finally force myself to sit at my computer to type up some notes for the last two days.
But as soon as I am done, I return to bed. I am shocked that I am still processing in the intense energies from the Sunday huachuma ceremony. I think I manage to get a little sleep at various points of the morning, but for the most part, I continue to journey.
Finally, feeling tired and weak, I drag myself out of bed and go into town for a burger, hoping that the meat will again help me to ground. Afterward, I spend most of the day resting and/or sleeping.
As darkness arrives, I pass through another deep meditative journey with the freezing cold – a journey that finally takes me into beautiful relaxed energy.
But at 1:00 a.m., I wake up with the worst allergy and mucus symptoms ever. I feel as if my head is going to explode. At the same time my ears are screaming with high volume, high-pitched tones. The symptoms just continue to intensify.
A Week Of Recovery
Feeling lost and desperate, I surrender to the fact that I can no longer live in this house.
As soon as I can on Wednesday morning, I pack up some of my belongings and move back to the same hostel where I lived before moving into the house. As soon as I get there, I crawl into bed and sleep for most of the day, coughing and sneezing through all of it.
Thursday is quite similar. I just do my best to rest. I am weak, tired, exhausted, and trying to recover. Meanwhile, I am beginning to feel quite frustrated with the internet, and the owner of the hostel will not allow me to fix it myself (a simple matter of resetting the power on the modem).
On Friday, still feeling miserable, I decide to pack my bag when the internet is again down with no hope of it returning for hours to come. I move to a different hostel on the other side of town and then manage to find the strength to take some long walks in search of other living possibilities. I find one place that seems quite nice. It is a room in a shared house. I will have my own private entrance, but will have to share the bathrooms and kitchen with others. It is only about $240 US per month. I like it so much that I decide to move in tomorrow.
Meanwhile, I continue to take care of the kittles, going to Dan’s house twice every day to feed and check on them. But I minimize my time there as much as possible. Every time I step through that door, my symptoms seem to slightly worsen.
Rushing And Freezing
After finding a new place to live, I go to bed in my new (temporary) hostel and end up sleeping most of the day.
Later that evening, I giggle with excitement when my friend Sufi finally arrives in Pisac. I take her to Dan’s house where she wants to take over my house-sitting duties. After spending one night in the house, sniffling and sneezing all night long, she begins to exhibit the same allergy and head-cold symptoms that continue to overwhelm me. She too decides that she cannot live in that house.
On Saturday morning, the two of us move in to separate rooms at the place I found yesterday. It is called “La Chankana”, and is small shared-community house with seven separate bedrooms.
As soon as our belongings are moved, Sufi and I catch a bus and head to Cusco together, hoping to do some shopping and errands. It is an extremely long day, given that I am already profoundly exhausted and physically drained from a difficult week. We do not return to Pisac until nearly 7:00 p.m..
I love my new room, and crawl into bed almost immediately. But again, I struggle with freezing inner cold, and rather than sleep, I meditate until after midnight. It is a good meditation – one that eventually leads to some energetic opening on the right side of my face and sinuses, greatly relieving some of my physical symptoms as well.
By midnight the energy is flowing beautifully, even though I continue to deal with considerable physical discomfort.
Necessary Cleansing
On Sunday, I finally muster up the strength to move the remainder of my personal belongings from Dan’s house to my newly rented room. I continue to feed the kitties twice per day, but it is becoming an unwelcome burden.
Meanwhile, I struggle with a few old inner patterns. Sufi wants to spend more time hanging out together, perhaps even doing a cacao ceremony. The only thing I want to do is to isolate and rest. I simply have no energy with which to socialize. I compromise and spend a half day hanging out with her and Rocio. But all I really want right now is some alone time to recover.
I am beginning to feel better than I have in more than a week, but my sinuses and lungs remain extremely congested. Nevertheless, I feel hopeful for a speedy recovery, and trust that all of this is happening for an important reason … and that my body is taking care of necessary cleansing at both a physical and an emotional level.
Another Ayahuasca Ceremony
On Monday, I spend the majority of the day engaged in a combination of resting, meditating, and writing.
I am not sure if I am up to it, but Sufi and I have decided to do a private ayahuasca ceremony with a woman named Marina. She frequently leads small ceremonies here in Pisac, and has extensive training in the Shipibo traditions.
Part of me does not want to participate in any ceremonies while I still feel the way I do, but another stronger part believes that a ceremony will help me to clear out the energy that is behind this physical yuck. I will be going to Machu Picchu later this week, and I really want to do everything I can to move through and beyond the allergy-triggered symptoms.
I strongly believe that everything has an energetic basis, and that maybe, just maybe, the ceremony will help me to address these energetic issues in a timely way.
An Early Purge
Sufi and I arrive quite early, giving us time to rest and visit before the ceremony. We finally sit with Marina at around 7:00 p.m., and begin the ceremony about a half hour later.
The ayahuasca is quite thick and syrup-like. It does not have a repulsive taste, but is hard to swallow because of its concentrated thickness.
As Marina begins to sing, I absolutely love her icaros. She is singing genuine authentic Shipibo icaros, and they are more beautiful than any I have ever heard from the Shipibo women themselves. She also throws in a few other songs from various traditions, including some instrumental music.
I feel the effects strongly, and by 8:00 p.m. I vomit out a great deal of putrid energy. It feels wonderful to get it out of me, even though I receive no direct intuitions as to exactly what it is that I release.
A Head Dilemma
But by around 9:00 p.m., still very early in the ceremony, my medicine fades considerably, leaving me mostly back in my head. I finally speak up and explain that I would love a tiny bit more medicine to help strengthen my journey.
I am shocked when Marina tells me “No”. I try to accept her answer and finally reach the resolve that I will spend the rest of the evening in very weak energy – and I DO make the most of it, focusing on meditating into the head chatter that constantly surfaces.
The head chatter relates mostly to the fact that I was not allowed to drink more, and to the fact that shortly after 9:15 p.m., Marina stops singing completely. We are in total silence for several hours, giving my mind ample opportunity to pick at things.
I see it all as being perfect, and as also being what Sufi wanted – but for me, having had considerable experience with Shipibo ceremonies, I crave and hope for more icaros. They have such a catalyst effect in my process.
For whatever reason, however, I do not speak up and make my request known. I sit in the weak energy, meditating, meditating, and meditating.
Don’t get me wrong. I love the ceremony. But my head chatter wants to find fault and judge. In the end, it is all perfect.
Early Tuesday morning, I finally excuse myself from the silence. I love the quiet, peaceful, and magical starlight as I slowly walk back down the hill toward my own comfy bed.
Hiding In A Hole
Tuesday, as I later discuss the ceremony with Sufi, I experience my own weird emotional reactions to her excited and bubbly descriptions of how perfect the ceremony had been for her. I won’t go into details, but the whole conversation leaves me stuck in ego judgments, and her words repeatedly trigger deeply buried emotions that surprise and baffle me.
In my “stuck lost-ness”, I excuse myself and head into Pisac in search of pancakes. I have to get away. The emotions are making me vulnerable and raw.
Soon, I am gobbling down another burger. The pancake quest had been unsuccessful.
After returning to my room, I isolate and rest for the remainder of the day. I am gentle with myself, not judging myself for wanting to dig a hole and crawl in.
Eminent Recovery
Wednesday morning, May 28, 2014, I am beginning to feel better, both physically and emotionally. After getting up early, showering, and gobbling down some chocolate oatmeal, I find the inspiration and energy to write and publish “Part 3” of my ayahuasca healing adventure blog series.
The highlight of the day is when I finally get in touch with Dan’s landlord, and she agrees to take over the task of feeding the kitties for me. At last, I am completely free of that house.
When the day is done, I am extremely tired, and go to bed quite early, hoping to continue rebuilding my strength.
Thursday, after spending a few hours hanging out in Pisac with Sufi, I return home and again spend the remainder of the day simply resting. Tomorrow I leave on my adventure to Machu Picchu, and I want to be as rested as possible.
Machu Picchu Or Bust
Early Friday morning (May 30, 2014), with nothing more than the clothes on my back and a small daypack filled with snacks, water, camera, a change of clothes, and my companions (Bobby-bear and Brenda-doll), I set off on my next adventure.
At just after 8:00 a.m., I walk into Pisac, catch a collectivo (collective minivan) that is headed to Urubamba, and begin my travels. A little over an hour later, I switch to another collectivo, and continue on to Ollantaytambo.
By early afternoon, I have checked in at a small hostel, gobbled down a small lunch, and begun to explore this small town near the other end of the Sacred Valley. From here, the only way to Aguas Calientes (and Machu Piccho) is via train. Early tomorrow morning, I will catch that train, spending two and a half days in the Machu Picchu area.
(I will fully document my adventures in Machu Picchu sometime in the next few days, doing so via a photo post, containing detailed narratives.)
On Tuesday morning, June 3, 2014, after a roundtrip adventure and another night in Ollantaytambo, I begin my return collectivo journey back to Pisac, arriving just before noon.
A Solo Ceremony
On Wednesday, I return to writing, spending the entire day in deep integration and editing before finally publishing “Part 4” of my series from my deep immersion retreat in Iquitos.
Late Thursday morning, Sufi and I try something that neither of us has ever done. We have decided to drink ayahuasca together, in a daytime setting, near a river, just up the canyon from where we are living. It will be a new adventure for both of us.
(Again, I want to emphasize that it is not advisable to drink ayahuasca in such unsupervised settings. Do not do it if you do not have considerable experience and training in working with energies in such situations.)
We both understand the reasons to be cautious, but we trust each other’s ability to be able to help if any difficult circumstances arise.
We soon find the perfect spot, set up our space, and take turns drinking what we believe to be a full dose of the medicine that we have with us. I end up drinking a small second dose about an hour later.
Frozen Masculine Energy
As I lay in the sun with a hat over my face, I begin to feel as if a weird, creepy masculine energy is trying to sexually take advantage of me, arousing my physical senses, and trying to distract and potentially molest me in energetic ways.
I strongly resist this energy for much of the first hour. I feel as if it is something ugly and dangerous, something outside of my self, something that might hurt me in some yet-unknown way.
Gradually, after intensely focusing on conscious resistance, I begin to get the intuitive understanding that the emotion and energy I am feeling is my own “hatred toward distorted and sexual-based masculine energy”. I feel deeply resentful toward, and even victimized by such energy.
What I am feeling is not an outside energy – it is an energy already within me – an energy that needs to be felt and processed with healing love. The more I explore with guidance and intuition, I realize that this is actually deep self-hatred – an intense form of self-loathing that originated during my earlier years of being disgusted with my own masculine energy. It comes from countless years of sexual struggles related to my own masculinity and gender confusion. I hated those parts of me, and continue to feel repulsed by them to this day. It only makes sense that I still project this inner struggle onto an outer world.
“Wow,” I ponder with delight. “This is more of that ‘pushed-out-stuff’ that I have forced into the deepfreeze, refusing to give it loving energy – refusing to allow it into my heart.”
Feeling The Hate, Finding The Love
Almost immediately, I focus on sending love to this long-rejected part of me.
Eventually, I realize that my efforts are falling short, because I am trying to do this on a mental level. I am not FEELING the self-hatred, I am simply thinking about it.
Suddenly, as I attempt to feel, I begin to experience intense nausea. And soon thereafter, I am physically vomiting out the energies that have surfaced. Intuitions clearly tell me that I am purging much of the hatred – doing so in a way that does not require me to feel every last drop of it.
Once the release is complete, I spend the remainder of this short afternoon focusing on magical mantras of self-love. My energy has totally shifted, and joy consumes me.
At around 3:30 p.m., with the sun having disappeared behind a mountain, it begins to get chili. Sufi and I soon discuss our feelings and decide to walk back down the river, returning to our own respective rooms to finish our journeys.
At around 7:00 p.m., Sufi knocks on my door and I invite her in for a joint integration session, sharing our experiences with each other. My own journey was quite profound, bringing up unexpected issues in a very unique way.
I am not sure I ever want to do another ceremony in the daytime, but this one was definitely productive.
Lake Titicaca Or Bust
Early on Friday morning, I finally get serious and make plans for my trip to Lake Titicaca and to Bolivia. My passport stamps will expire in a few days, and it is time to put my fate in the hands of the Universe, making a border run to find out just how much more time I might be given when I return to Peru. After a tiny bit of research, I purchase tickets for a night bus that will leave Cusco at 10:00 p.m. on Sunday evening, arriving in Puno (on the Peru side of Lake Titicaca) at 4:30 a.m. on Monday morning.
Once the plans are made, I feel a strong inner peace about the future, and instead turn to more writing. Later that same day, I manage to publish “Part 5” of my ongoing series. I do not actually finish the editing and publish that post until Saturday morning. Then, I spend the rest of Saturday writing and editing “Part 6”, but do not publish that until early Sunday morning. I feel quite excited by the progress that I am now making in my writing. It feels good to be chipping away at that daunting writing task.
After publishing that blog on Sunday morning, I quickly pack up my carryon suitcase and my daypack, deciding not to travel quite so lightly on this trip. By late morning I catch a collectivo to Cusco and find myself in the middle of an early “Inti Raymi” parade that has brought huge crowds to the Plaza De Armas.
After spending a long day hanging out and visiting with new friends in this section of Cusco, I head to the bus station shortly after dark, and spend another four hours sitting in the waiting area. I soon realize that I could easily have left Pisac in the afternoon, saving myself a lot of “homeless feelings”.
At 10:00 p.m., I recline in my comfy seat as the bus pulls away from the station. I am on an open-ended journey. Other than purchasing this ticket, I have made no plans, done very little research, and have no idea what I will do, where I will go, or how long I will be in the Lake Titicaca region. The only thing I know for sure is that I need to cross into Bolivia by June 10, 2014, and that I want to be back in Pisac before June 20, 2014.
The rest is up in the air.
I end up spending a total of eight days in these travels, with three-and-a-half beautiful days on the Bolivia side, and just over three days on the Peru side.
(I will not go into more detail in this writing. Instead, just as I plan to do with the Machu Picchu trip, I will fully document the Lake Titicaca trip, with detailed narratives, doing so in several future photo posts – posts that will follow very soon.)
A Magical Border Crossing
But before moving on, I do want to talk about my border crossing experience as I returned to Peru on Thursday, June 12, 2014.
I have heard from several people that it is getting considerably more difficult to get permission to stay longer than six months in any given year. Some border guards are making it quite difficult to stay for longer periods.
As I leave Bolivia and prepare to walk into the office on the Peruvian side of the border, I first pause, close my eyes, and briefly meditate into a nice energy. Then, as I stand in front of the Peruvian border guard. I tell him I would love to have another six months in Peru. I smile a huge smile and point out that I am a writer, and that I am writing about my experiences in Peru.
“I need more time to finish my writing,” I tell the guard with a confident smile.
“You have already been in the country for a long time,” he tells me with a semi-serious tone, while glancing back and forth between me and my passport.
“How about 150 days?” he then asks me after a short pause.
“That would be great,” I reply with a huge smile.
Soon, I walk out of the border crossing with five more months on my tourist visa. I feel quite content, knowing that my options have been magically opened up. If I want to do so, I can stay in Peru until at least mid November.
A Magical Manifestation
Early Sunday morning, June 15, 2014, while checking the internet from my hotel room in Puno (northwest side of Lake Titicaca on the Peruvian side), I notice on the “Sacred Valley Housing And Market” Facebook page that a man from the town of Calca has decided to leave Peru in a couple of weeks, and he needs to find someone to rent his home. He still has FIVE months on his lease contract, and is looking for someone to take over his lease.
I find the “five months” part of this message to be fascinating and quite synchronous, but I don’t give it much thought. In just a few minutes I will be leaving the hotel and catching a bus that will take me back to Cusco. There is simply not time to do anything right now.
Later Sunday night, while resting back in my room in Pisac, I again take a look at that message on Facebook. I am tired and want to wait until tomorrow, but something tells me to start taking action now – that I need to check this place out.
Before long, I am talking to “Neil” on the phone, discussing the house and asking questions. He already has a friend that is quite interested, but I am number two on the interest list. I will meet him in Calca tomorrow at noon to see if I like the place … and if his friend does not want it, then I can have it.
Calca is a small indigenous town in the Sacred Valley. It is about 25 minutes away from Pisac (when on a public collectivo – costing less than a dollar each way). Other than that, I know almost nothing about it.
A Sticky Problem
I get up early on Monday, June 16, 2014, and spend considerable time meditating about my options. In my heart, I feel extremely positive about the whole situation.
At around 9:30 a.m., I begin the short journey by walking to Pisac and waiting for a bus to pass by. I arrive in Calca with plenty of time to spare. I can only giggle a while later as I sit in the beautiful town square, gobbling down a piece of bread while meditating and people watching.
As I briefly shift positions on the bench, I feel something sticky below me. Then I realize that I have been watching several women, over on the other side of the fountain. They have been methodically painting the park benches. Suddenly, I realize that the bench on which I am now sitting is very white – and that it has been freshly painted. I jump up and try to look at my backside, but simply cannot see much.
Confidently knowing that I am wearing yoga pants under my slacks, I remove the outer layer of clothing and discover a bunch of white streaks from fresh paint. I giggle inside as I realize what has happened. I am fully prepared to simply give up on those painted slacks.
But then I get an idea. I walk over to one of the female painters, show her my pants, and ask if she has anything that might help remove the paint. She quickly retrieves a large bottle of what seems like paint thinner. Over the next half hour, the two of us work together. She frequently soaks the area by pouring more chemical over my pants. I then scrub and scrub with a bunch of toilet paper that I had in my pocket. (In this part of the world, that is a wise thing to carry LOL.)
Soon, after much effort, most of the paint is gone, and what remains does not show when the slacks are dry. Problem solved.
The House Is Mine
Soon, I begin walking out to Neil’s house just before our scheduled meeting time. I have been manifesting all morning that his friend will not want the house – that it is totally mine. Peaceful heart energy tells me that this is so.
When I arrive, I apologize for arriving early, and Neil tells me that his friend arrived late, and that he is still here. The two of us explore the house, considering our options, doing so separately, but constantly crossing paths.
Finally, thirty minutes later, I ask the friend if he is going to want to rent the house.
“I don’t think so,” he tells me.
To make a long story short, I tell Neil that I probably want it, but need a little time to think. He tells me that I have until tomorrow morning to let him know.
After hanging around for another hour, repeatedly checking things out, I thank Neil, tell him that I will let him know, and begin my return journey to Pisac.
Later Monday evening, as I again meditate, it suddenly occurs to me that my heart already knows that I am taking that house, and that it is only my head that wants time to consider all possibilities. Within minutes, I pick up the phone, call Neil, and tell him that I will rent the house.
Two days later, after two trips to meet with the landlord, I have signed my own five month lease. Neil will remain in the house until July 5, 2014, at which time I will take possession of the property.
Mission Accomplished
The main reason I had wanted time to think, is that the house is completely unfurnished (other than two twin bed frames with cheap foam mattresses).
I will have to buy most everything – stove top, refrigerator, furniture, etc … and I will be responsible for all maintenance.
But as I think about it, for the rent of $180 per month, I can afford to pay much more in furnishings … and I will likely be able to resell literally everything that I buy, recouping most of my expenses when I leave. I quickly tell Neil that I want to buy his better-quality twin mattress, his stove top and propane tank, his stainless steel pots and pans, his pressure cooker, and several other small items. Then I begin the process of manifesting a refrigerator. (Neil does not have one.)
Preliminary research tells me that a tiny fridge that does not really meet my needs will cost me around $200.00 US … and that a new, medium size fridge (but still quite small) will cost me around $340.00 US. I begin to shop around, and also put out an inquiry message on the Facebook website for Sacred Valley Housing and Market.
On Thursday, the day after signing my lease, I make a trip to Cusco to check out prices of various items there. While in the minivan on my way up the mountain, I call a woman who had recently left a comment on my Facebook inquiry. I soon learn that she has a one-year-old full-size fridge that she originally purchased for nearly double the prices that I am considering. But she will sell it to me for only $280.00 US. Later that evening, when I return from Cusco, I stop at her house, buy her refrigerator, a beautiful toaster oven, a standup shelf, a small dresser, a bookshelf, a few dishes, and several other kitchen items. (She too is moving in a couple of weeks, and has many useful items for sale.)
In less than four days, I have manifested a house, signed the contact, and purchased enough items to furnish my basic living needs – and I absolutely know that when (if) I leave, I will be able to sell everything for about the same price that I paid.
House Dreaming
I am so excited about my new house. It is just outside of Calca, on a canyon road that leads into the mountains. The road is narrow and dirty, and the homes in the area are all adobe, and do not look impressive on the outside.
But as I walk through the doors, it is kind of like walking through the broom closet into Narnia (reference to The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S.Lewis). As I step onto the back patio, all neighbors have vanished. In front of me is a large garden, and behind that a river. The rear property is large and the high walls block out all neighboring civilization.
The landlord lives upstairs, but he is only there for a part of the year, and I am told he is very quiet and will not invade my space. The home I am renting is actually more of a courtyard. In one building are two bedrooms and a kitchen, all opening up into the courtyard with separate doors. In the other building is my master bedroom with private bath, a large living room that will be perfect for ceremonies (if I choose to host any), and another separate bath for guests. Then, there is a large covered patio area with magical views.
And all I can see from my patio are trees and gorgeous mountains, with the gentle sound of the river gracing my ears. It will be the perfect place to isolate and write – and to potentially work on my book. Regardless of what I do, I will love the time to meditate and isolate as I further connect with Source.
The only issue not fully resolved is the internet. Neil has an ongoing internet deal with a local provider, but I need to get software installed on my own computer, and that service is currently down for most of the next week. My heart tells me that there is nothing to worry about, that it will be working before I move in, it will install smoothly, and it will fully meet my needs.
End Of A Series
With most of the housing arrangements behind me, I spend the weekend resuming my writing, publishing “Part 7” of my blog series on Sunday, and writing most of my final “Part 8” blog on Monday.
But as happens in this part of the world, the internet is down for most of two full days on Monday and Tuesday, and other social activities quickly fill my time, including a delightful campfire gathering on Monday evening.
I finally manage to publish “Part 8” of my series early on Tuesday evening – just after the internet finally returns to stability. I am so happy and proud of myself for this final blog, and for taking the time and making the effort to write down my journey. Even if no one else were to ever read a word of what I have written, the benefits to my own integration make the effort so worth every minute involved.
Feeling And Wondering
With a burst of inner guidance telling me it is time, I decide to do another San Pedro (huachuma) ceremony with Paul on Wednesday, June 25, 2014. I am eager to discover where I stand with this “freezing cold” issue.
There are around eight of us sitting in the ceremonial space as I drink my glass of huachuma at just before 9:30 in the morning. It is a cold morning, but the sun is out. I am deeply curious how my body is going to react.
I begin to feel the effects by 9:45 when I am already up near the house, sitting on the lawn, basking in the sun with my fingers pushed into the grass. I feel cold, but it is tolerable, and not that bone-chilling cold from before. It is physical cold from being at nearly 10,000 feet altitude in the middle of winter. But as near as we are to the equator, even in winter the days here can be quite pleasant and warm while the sun is out.
By 11:00 a.m., I already feel the confusing effects of being pulled and grounded by the energy of the earth. It is confusing at times, but not overwhelming, and I am still not overly cold.
Paul and his partner Sue occasionally check on me (she just returned from Australia). I tell them that I am not sure just now deep I am in this journey. When I open my eyes I feel quite normal and mental, but when I close my eyes, I feel the energy quite strongly. I try to figure out if maybe I might need a little more to take me deeper.
But Sue points out that I am in my head, and asks, “Why would you want more medicine?” I realize that she is right, and that when I stop thinking I am already quite deep in the journey. I do not need more.
Head Chatter
Until mid afternoon, I hardly move, simply reclining in my spot on the grass, with my fingers dug into the earth below. Others from my group are frequently moving around, talking to each other, and even carrying on long conversations. I am confused and do not understand what they are doing.
I want to feel the energy, and do not want to miss anything. I begin to wonder if maybe I am missing something here – if maybe I need to be more social in this experience – but the idea just doesn’t resonate with me.
I also notice that my heart does not feel open. I am not cold, but cannot feel much energy in that region.
I am in my head, trying to figure it all out, trying to make sure I do this journey correctly, trying to understand what is happening, and it is just not working. Yes, I am having a good experience, but No, it is nothing profound.
Emotions Of Confusion
Finally, I decide to sit up a little. As I then put my fingertips back on the ground, I start to feel confusing reality shifts, and begin to feel emotions of confusion.
Sue shows up just a minute or two later and asks how I am doing. When I express that I am starting to feel some emotion, the tears suddenly begin to flow. She asks beautiful questions that draw me out and help me to realize that I do need and want to feel this emotion.
“What does your heart want to do right now?” She asks.
“It wants me to feel and allow this emotion,” I begin to respond. “It wants me to open the hidden walls that continue to block me, and it wants me to stop fighting this process … to stop trying to figure things out.”
“But I don’t know how,” I add, as tears begin to stream profusely down my cheeks.
I cry for a while, but cannot fully let go of the emotion. Soon, it turns into an automatic “dry heave” attempt, but with the huachuma in my system, a dry heave weirdly translates into intense dry coughing instead.
Feeling The Confusion
Sue comes and goes several times, telling me a couple of times that she senses the emotions of grief just underneath what I am allowing myself to feel. Each time she mentions the grief, I begin to intensely sob, but for whatever reason, the emotion keeps fading. It is confusing. I feel the grief, but it keeps hiding, refusing to fully open.
I remember that I have a long journey with “confusion” – one that began as a tiny child – and one that has frequently surfaced during my journey of inner work in both Guatemala and Peru. Confusion is an emotion that I know has been deeply stuck in my field – and every time I feel it, I tend to identify with it.
Today, I decide to just allow myself to feel confused, not judging myself for not knowing – not judging myself for swirling in confusion.
Allowing And Surrendering
In another inspired moment, Sue points out that she feels as if I am on the edge of further opening and tearing down walls, but that part of me is fighting, terrified to let those walls crumble.
I know she is correct, and as I ponder her words, more deep tears consume me. All I can do is surrender, because I simply don’t know how to “do” this. I don’t even know where all these walls are – but I do know they are there.
I simply try to surrender to the concept that my journey is being guided by Higher Powers, and that it is happening perfectly – that I do not need to do it or understand it – that it IS happening all by itself. All I need to do is to stop getting in the way, and to allow it to flow unimpeded as much as possible.
Deep Vulnerability
When the sun goes behind the mountain, instead of bundling up and running to the fire, I have instead removed my coat and sweatshirt, and remain in the cool outdoors. I am actually fairly warm.
Still feeling extremely confused by the energy flowing through me, I make a desperate attempt to seek help. I move to a nearby bench and place my hands around the base of some beautiful fuchsia flowers and beg them to please help me, literally believing that they are capable of energetically doing just that.
As I sit there in this state of deep vulnerability, I begin to sob – and I sob for nearly half an hour while allowing myself to feel the emotions of confusion.
At one point, Paul checks in on me, placing his hand on my back to calm me.
“I just need to let these tears out,” I tell him with confidence. “I am begging these flowers to help me.”
“If that works,” Paul lovingly responds, “I will plant some of these flowers just for you.”
Paul understands my request, and soon leaves me to my deep process. My tears are actually a powerful part of my journey. They do not need to be soothed or comforted. As he walks away, I secretly hope he does give me a start of these beautiful flowers.
An Inner Furnace
Just before sitting with the flowers, Sue had helped me by guiding me into a deep meditation – one that helped me to reconnect with the energy in my heart.
As I continue to sit here with these flowers, I soon find that peaceful sweet spot where my heart is open and warm, once again. I sit here holding the base of this gorgeous fuchsia plant for a very long time, meditating ever deeper.
While looking out into the valley, I also notice some farmers burning two large fields of corn stubble. I occasionally glance out at the blazing fire in the distance.
Several times today, even before the fires were lit, I have seen a bright orange fire-like glow when I close my eyes. Each time this happened, I had the strong feeling that my own inner stubble was being burned in an inner furnace, clearing the way for more healing and opening, Now, as I watch these distant fires, every time that I close my eyes I see these inner furnaces even more clearly. I strongly know that, whatever is happening is profound and cleansing, and that I simply need to trust without trying to understand.
A Continuing Journey
Just before dark, I join others from my group inside by the fire. As usual, I love the soup and bread that Paul brings. Eating at this point in a ceremony is always so magical and grounding.
For most of the evening I simply remain in my own energy, closing my eyes and enjoying the experience.
At around 8:00 p.m., I say goodnight to Paul and Sue before returning to my home, doing so in the darkness of night. I don’t sleep all that well, but the rest I do get is quite adequate.
On Thursday, I am again surprised when I continue to feel the huachuma energy (in a mild way) all day long.
I note that I also feel a strong desire to be alone right now, to not mix energies with others. When I do find myself around others, I feel as if I want to run away. I am not sure if I am projecting onto them, or if I am simply feeling their own densities while knowing that it is in my interest to remain in my own energy.
I never do figure that one out. Instead, I simply trust that my intuitions are accurate and make no attempt to judge myself or others.
Finally Catching Up
Friday, June 27, 2014, is more of the same. I manage to post another photo post (just as I also did yesterday), but I still feel a strong need to stay away from the energy of other people, at least for now.
When a group of people from my house gather on the porch outside my room, I feel so agitated by their energy that I finally just go for a walk to get away from it, not returning until after they are gone. I am extremely sensitive right now – but I know it is all perfect.
With my Cusco and Pisac photos now posted, I spend Saturday resuming my writing, catching up on my first couple of weeks here in the Sacred Valley.
Today, in this moment, it is Sunday, June 29, 2014. I cannot believe that I am actually writing about this present moment. This morning I published the blog that I wrote yesterday, and early tomorrow morning, if all goes well, I expect to do the same with this one.
During this next week, I hope to post more than 1100 photos (already uploaded) from my trips to Machu Picchu and Lake Titicaca, but other than that, I am all caught up.
A New Phase
As I sit here typing away on my bed, I feel nothing but excitement for the future. In just six short days I will be shifting homes yet again. This time, I will be moving into my home in Calca, with a five month lease.
At this point in time, I cannot honestly commit to exactly what I will do while in my new little home.
For some time now, I have felt strong guidance that it is almost time to begin working on my book. Doing exactly that is one of my manifested intentions for the near future. But I also understand that meditation and quiet time are key; and that I will be spending a great deal of time seeking out inspiration as to exactly what should be in that book.
Perhaps I will simply spend the next five months meditating and doing more ceremonies. Maybe I will go back and reread all of the thousands of pages that I have written during my five years of travels, hoping to make sense of it all. Or perhaps I will receive strong guidance and simply start writing in some type of channeled form, without revisiting any of the past.
I really do not know … and I am quite content and happy not knowing. I suspect that I will continue to post an occasional blog, documenting ongoing events, but I am not even sure of that.
It feels as if I am entering a new phase of my journey, and I will not know what that looks like until it actually happens.
I am so excited to find out.
Magical Journeys
These last six weeks have been filled with amazing growth and exciting travel adventures.
The period began in late May with another multi-day huachuma journey – a deep journey with inner freezing – freezing to the core. It was a journey that opened profound metaphors that showed me how I have literally pushed out very real parts of me – parts of my energy – exiling them to the freezing temperatures of rejection and hatred. In the weeks that followed, I found great healing while reintegrating many such exiled parts in what is always an ongoing journey of self-discovery.
And the period ended with another huachuma adventure, one that further thawed the icy regions of my heart, showing me that bright metaphorical flames are helping to burn away the stubble and walls that continue to block me, doing so with perfect timing and synchronous flow, without the need for mental interference.
Sandwiched in the middle were two other powerful ayahuasca ceremonies and two amazing adventures to Machu Picchu and Lake Titicaca.
But how can I forget the magical manifestations that all came together to set me up for five months in a beautiful little corner of the Sacred Valley, preparing me for who knows what in the near future.
It is in the “not knowing” that the magic truly exists.
Copyright © 2014 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved