Brenda's Bicycles

Emerging From Retreat

As you might have gathered from my sudden resumption of posting 951 photos to my blog this week, I am feeling strongly inspired that it is time for me to begin a new phase of my life.

Remarkably, this sudden burst of energy and passion just came out of nowhere in the days surrounding March 10, 2015 – my sixtieth birthday – the beginning of a new decade in my life. I am indeed starting a new journey in so many ways.

I have not written in my blog since June 30, 2014, and the task of trying to catch up seems daunting – even impossible. It has been an amazing eight and a half months, filled with profound emotional healing, magical heart openings, and unbelievable growth and change. It has all happened so rapidly, yet it feels as if I have been hibernating in retreat mode for decades. There is so much that I would love to share, but I cannot even remember most of it without digging very deeply into the recesses of my head. Luckily, I recorded it all, either typing in my notes, or speaking into my voice recorder. And many of the voice recordings were made during the depths of profound processing.

I totally switched to my voice recorder after breaking my arm on August 29, 2014. After that event, typing became an exhausting near-impossibility. Believe it or not, breaking my arm was a profound catalyst in my journey, one for which I am deeply grateful. For sure, I will be writing about that experience in detail at a later time.

There is no way that I could ever do justice to what I experienced in the last eight months without writing several books – and I think that is a real possibility in the foreseeable future. But I honestly do not know the future any more. The only thing that I think I know is that I will be leaving Calca in the next few weeks, following strong guidance to once again begin moving on – but exactly when and to where I simply do not know. I am in a state of profound peace with not knowing.

Inspired Questions

At the first of March, my dear friend Lori received a flash of inspiration – one that she quickly shared with me, and two other friends, Jeanette and Rose. At first I internally resisted, feeling a tired thought that her idea might just be more busy work for me to drudge through.

But as I pondered deeper, the idea began to resonate with magic.

Lori’s idea was that my small group of friends would take turns asking a question, with one question per week. The four of us would each answer the question, and then Lori would compile the answers into what might eventually turn into a book of wisdom that could be passed on to our children.

It seems that the “Synchronicity Gods” are all lining up with perfect timing. They have been doing that a lot lately. I have even grown to expect it. As magic would have it, the first question was sent out last week on Monday, March 9, 2015, the day before my sixtieth birthday.

Feeling deeply guided, I wrote my response on the morning of my birthday, and as I wrote, the passion seemed to literally flow from my heart right through my fingertips. It was as if I were not the one doing the writing. I was simply transcribing what easily flowed through me. After a long period of not writing anything, I was blown away by how easily the words came, and how deeply my inner passions were reawakened.

The passion has been building all week – the passion of writing that first question/response, the passion of posting 951 photos, and now, this morning, the passion of writing another question/ response to my friends.

This morning, as I sat here pondering the impossible nature of trying to catch up on my blog, the inspiration hit me.

“Don’t even try to do that right now,” the words flowed through me. “Just be present and start out by sharing on your blog exactly what you are already writing. Then, over time, you can share little snippets of your most magical experiences of the last eight months, without having to try to cover it all.”

So, in the writing of today, I am going to begin by sharing several things that I have written over the last month.

True Love

The first thing that I want to share is the words of a Facebook post that I shared as my status on Valentine’s Day, February 14, 2015. I was in ceremony that day, overflowing with divine love while watching all of the expressions of love being shared among friends. Suddenly these words just flowed through my fingertips. I did not even think about them until I went back to read them later.

“As I ponder the true meaning of love on this beautiful Valentine’s Day, I feel inspired to share a few of the words flowing through me ….

Until we love our self, it is impossible to truly love another … because whatever we don’t love about our self will surely show up in our projections onto that other…

… and true self love has nothing to do with the worldly perceptions of narcissism or conceit … it has to do with peeling back all layers of unworthiness until we can finally embrace the divinity that radiates from within our own heart. Only then can we recognize that same divinity in every heart that seems to be “out there” and “other”.

On this beautiful day, in the middle of February, so often called Valentine’s Day, may we all find that true divine connection within, and radiate that pure love to everyone and everything around us …”

My ceremonies of the last eight months have finally helped me learn to truly love myself. Gratitude overflows from my heart as I ponder how my journey has repeatedly forced me to face yet-another way in which I have secretly harbored so much denied self-hatred – hatred for hidden parts of myself that I did not even know were still cowering in the dark. I will likely be sharing many of these experiences in writings to come.

With each layer of my own precious heart opening, I have been blown away by how my capacity to love others has been magically enhanced. I suspect that I still have much to learn with regards to this subject. It seems to be an ongoing journey of magical self-discovery.

Blissful Beingness

On the morning of my sixtieth birthday, March 10, 2015, I sat in front of my computer and regained my passion to write. The passion burst out of me as I responded to the first question being posed to my small group of friends. That question and my answer to it are:

What is one thing you do that fills your heart with joy?

The answer is easy, but explaining it is the hard part, because it is actually not something I can “DO” at all.

I never could adequately explain it with words, but in June of 2004, just days before my second “Journey Seminars” healing experience as a participant rather than as a staffer, I found myself near my little red jeep, high atop a mountain in northern Utah, begging for something “out there” to help me heal … to help me find myself. Somehow, in that mystical wilderness setting I was given a gift of grace – a glimpse so powerful that I made a commitment to myself that if at all possible, I would return to the mountains on a weekly basis in an attempt to somehow repeat that magical and inexplicable connection.

It soon became obvious that the connection I was seeking was not one I could create on my own; it was just something that had happened all by itself. I clearly understood that my being in the mountains provided a setting of willingness, trust, and surrender where that “happening” was much more likely to occur, but I realized that there was nothing I could actually “DO” that would make it happen. I found that the connection happened more frequently when I made myself available to experience it, but over five years of consistent “mountain time”, I could NEVER predictably make it happen by my own efforts alone.

So just what is that connection? It is a powerful, magical sense of being connected to something much bigger than the “little me”. It is a sense of absolute loving peace and joyful knowing that nothing in the world really matters, and that everything is perfect exactly as it is – no matter how it may appear to worldly eyes.

I found that each such magical experience fueled me onward, giving me courage to keep going for a short period of time. And I knew that if I didn’t nurture and replenish that connection, it would fade. And when it did sometimes fade, I was left feeling lost and alone once again.

I remember one experience in particular. It was Mother’s Day, perhaps 2006 or 2007. I had spent the day in a magical playground atop Squaw Peak, above Utah Valley. The mystical meadow around me was filled with new growth, awakening life, wild turkeys, budding flowers, and abundant flowing springs. On that blissful day, I was gifted with such a magical glimpse of “who I am”, that I just had to share it with someone. I remember pulling off the road on my way down the mountain. The sun was going down as I finally noticed that I had cellphone service. I spent the next few hours immersed in magical conversation with Lori, so excited and overwhelmed by the unbelievable love that flowed through my heart.

It was that blissful connection to “something bigger than me” that eventually guided me on my current six-year journey of self-discovery, beginning in Mexico, passing through Belize and Guatemala, and now continuing in Peru. The more I heal – the more I remove the deep wounds that have caused me to keep my heart locked away from public view – the more easily that connection now flows. I still find that I cannot make it happen by any specific act of “doing”. There is neither recipe nor formula that can describe how to achieve the blissful state of “Being-ness”.

But what I can say with absolute certainty is that “This state of being-ness is the most magical state of joy that I could ever imagine.” For me, this joyful state is the source of the passion that has fueled my continuing healing journey – that has fueled my passion to write and to share my journey with others. And I often find that the very act of expressing my passion, either in writing or through verbal exchange, is exactly what returns me to that blissful joy of being-ness.

I wish there was something I could “DO” that would take me directly to this state of joy, but I have found that it is exactly the opposite. It is actually the “undoing” that makes it easier. It is the “undoing” of all the walls, barricades, and prison bars that have kept my heart locked up in a mental prison of shame, self-doubt, self-loathing, self-hating … and the list could go on for a very long time.

With each layer of emotional release – release that now happens as part of a magical higher flow – the joy becomes more frequent and easier to maintain. I am so profoundly grateful for a magical journey that continues to teach me that this joy is my divine birthright – the divine birthright of every one of us.

Passing Of An Old Friend

The other event that fueled my passion happened the next day when my old Dell laptop computer finally gave up the ghost. As I began to copy photos from my camera to my new little laptop – one that I had purchased at the end of November, but never fully utilized – I began to feel a passionate inner drive telling me it is finally time to begin a new phase of writing.

I already posted the following eulogy in my final photo post yesterday, but I want to repost it here, in my written blog. I have been giggling all week about writing this tribute to little “Dell”, but when I actually wrote it yesterday, my heart was alive with passion and loving giggles.

Following is the text of this post:

It has been expected for a long time. My friend Dell has been sniffling with mysterious viruses for a few years now … but all the therapeutic scans for viruses and malware could neither detect nor correct what was inevitable. He was growing very old and his days in my service were numbered. He first joined my side as I prepared to return to school back in 2005, and has tirelessly served me without fail … never complaining and always doing his best to be there for me.

Just over a year ago, while I was in Iquitos, Dell’s visual skills began to fritz out, but then luckily began to function again. Later, in April 2014, after being hibernated and wrapped in plastic for three months, the jungle humidity overwhelmed my faithful little companion and his vision again began to flake out. But what really made him struggle was the water that I spilled on him during a boat ride. He caught a very bad cold, and barely survived; but he lovingly forgave me without judgment. The little guy’s visual acuity never fully recovered, but he fought valiantly and continued to serve with trust and courage.

Somewhere over the majestic Andes mountains, in May, as we flew from Iquitos to Lima and then to Cusco, my little companion suffered a bout with altitude sickness, and his keyboard began to suffer nerve problems such that the signals for various critical keyboard connections would no longer fire correctly. Then, as old age often does, he began to make funny noises when his USB connections were wiggled. Something was just not quite right with him, but still, he continued to serve with dedication.

But it was not until November, 2014, while Jeanette and I were at Lake Titicaca, that his core systems began to require hospice and intensive care. One morning, at our hotel room in Copacabana, Bolivia, Dell went almost completely blind, and was soon hooked up to life support, requiring all kinds of external wires – external monitors and external input devices – just to maintain his ability to communicate. But still, he just kept serving.

Meanwhile, still weak and almost blind, Dell helped to give birth to his adopted son, Lenovo, faithfully donating all of his memory and stored knowledge to his adopted prodigy. Dell did not even care that Lenovo came from a different genetic background. He freely shared everything he had, passing on his wisdom with pure unconditional love.

Dell served me well, even while in intensive hospice care, right up until the very end. As a final act of uncomplaining service, he entertained my dear friend Sufi and I with one final movie on the evening of my sixtieth birthday … just last Tuesday … the magical day in which I completed six amazing decades on this planet.

Early Wednesday morning, March 11, 2015, I went out to the kitchen to check on my trusty companion. Old age was just too much for him. When I gently caressed his power button, all he could do was to emit a high pitched warbling screeching sound.

My faithful friend is no longer able to communicate in any way. As an act of mercy, I have decided to let him rest, no longer requiring him to serve me in any way.

Dell is survived by his magical adopted son, Lenovo … and is also survived by the thousands of pages of blog entries that he diligently helped me to create. He earned a forever-place in my heart, and will never be forgotten.

In his “Last Will and Testament”, Dell asked that his body be donated to a local service technician in Cusco. He hopes that his parts might still somehow serve someone in need.

Viewings for his surviving friends will be scheduled, by appointment, during the next week. Dell will be available for remote viewings as well, for those who know how to astral project (or use Skype).

Watch Out World

Just this morning, as I responded to a new question, one that I myself posed to my group of magical friends, I felt the passion again flowing. When I finally clicked the “send” button on my email, the guidance was strong – guidance telling me that this belongs in my blog as well. Following is that question and response:

Please share a few of the ways that our deep bond of friendship has inspired and influenced your life path.

As I begin, I feel inspired to first share the beautiful words of this song – the song I am still listening to on repeat mode as I write these words:

Unconditionally
Written and sung by Katy Perry

Oh no, did I get too close?
Oh, did I almost see what’s really on the inside?
All your insecurities
All the dirty laundry
Never made me blink one time

[Chorus:]
Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

Come just as you are to me
Don’t need apologies
Know that you are worthy
I’ll take your bad days with your good
Walk through the storm I would
I do it all because I love you, I love you

[Chorus repeated]

So open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart

Acceptance is the key to be
To be truly free
Will you do the same for me?

[Chorus repeated (with slight additions)]

Perhaps you might remember some of the shame-filled details that I tried to hide when we first met each other. At the time I had already found the beginnings of a spiritual journey, but I really didn’t understand it very well. I experienced a profound calling from within – a calling to love others unconditionally … to fully heal … and to finally find that illusive “something that I am missing in my life”.

But in those early years of our friendship, I continued to secretly carry deep dysfunctional patterns of hidden self-loathing, self-deprecating shame for past social struggles, and mountains of self-doubt. I desperately wanted to fit in and to be social, but my heart was extremely guarded, and I did not let very many people inside the thick hidden walls of that sanctuary. In fact, I now understand that I did not even let myself in – at least not very far.

Wow, tears are suddenly streaming down my cheeks as I continue writing …

On one level, I seemed to have it all together. My external life was abundant and increasingly improving and I felt so much genuine love. But on another level I felt like a total fraud, a social loser, and deep inside were hidden fears that I would never fit in or be loved for who I really am.

Somehow, with our deep bond from “The Dream Makers”, I allowed many of those walls to crumble – allowing you, my new friends to get closer, to see some of what was really inside, and to see the outer edges of my insecurities and dirty laundry – and I did feel loved, but I continued to sabotage myself as I desperately sought to heal my social fears.

Our friendship was amazing – it was definitely unconditional – overflowing with “come as you are and no need for apologies” – and while I still subconsciously didn’t fully see myself as worthy, we all treated each other with unconditional worthiness. I had never felt so genuinely loved.

That unconditionally accepting and loving bond between us was a profoundly inspiring influence in giving me the courage to keep going forward – to continue my healing – to continue trusting and following the inner guidance that eventually uprooted my whole life as I knew it – to launch myself into the unknown, facing my fears, and finally healing the deep core issues that had succeeded in sabotaging me for more than five and a half decades.

It has only been in the last few years that I realized the core of my sabotage was my own continued lack of self-love. It has been an amazing journey of self-discovery, inspired by memories of that magical loving sendoff that you all gave me on the evening of June 11, 2009 – and inspired by the knowing that my dear friends love me unconditionally.

Just last week, on the day before my sixtieth birthday, I woke up in a very confusing mood. I was feeling bitchy and irritated by literally everything around me. I went to Cusco to run errands and was overwhelmed by the agitating energy everywhere I went. In one particularly profound moment, I was walking up a street to the San Pedro Market, The sidewalk was quite wide and I was nestled up against the building on my right, taking up very little space as I climbed a mild sloping hill. A man and woman were walking down the street toward me and the man was hogging the entire middle of the sidewalk.

The “old me” would have moved to the side, squeezing my back tightly against the wall to make sure I did not collide with the man who seemed to totally ignore my existence.

“Hold your ground … keep your shoulders square … and just keep walking with confidence,” my inner bitch screamed out in silence.

I listened to my inner bitch and just kept walking. Suddenly the man slammed his left shoulder into mine. It was a very strong jolt, but I did not flinch. I giggled with rebellion as I walked another ten steps and then I turned around for a glance. The man below was looking at me as if I were the devil incarnate. I just turned around with a giggle and continued my bitchy walk up the street.

Seconds later, another flash of profound guidance flowed into my heart.

“Love all of yourself, Brenda,” the intuition whispered loudly. “This is an opportunity to fully love and heal this part of you … your inner bitch … the confusing part of you that sometimes feels so irritated.”

It was a half hour later when the puzzle pieces began coming together. I was sitting in a KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken), eating lunch by the main “Plaza De Armas” in Cusco. This fast food restaurant always plays music videos in the eating area. Suddenly, my guidance told me to stop and to pay attention to the words of the song that was playing.

It was this song “Unconditionally” by Katy Perry. As I listened to the words, I began to sob and sob, doing so as silently as possible, with my back turned to the center of the room. I heard the magical words of this song telling me to love MYSELF unconditionally … to love ALL parts of myself without exception.

It was later that afternoon, back in my bedroom in Calca, that I processed through the deep emotions. Clarity came so strongly. For my entire life, I have pretended to be invisible to others, stepping out of their way to avoid conflict, and not shining the light of my truth in order to not ruffle the feathers of those who might disagree.

This “inner bitch” that came out to play earlier was the repressed part of me that had remained caged up and invisible, and she was quite bitchy about me not letting her out to shine her light. The part of me that I had hated and hidden so much was my own magic just desperately wanting to be loved by me – wanting to be allowed to shine her brilliant light without my silly fears holding her back.

And it is only today, as I write this long story, that I realize with deep gratitude that you, my dear friends, were among the first angels to truly love me without conditions. We have walked through so many storms together, and shared so many magical times. Through it all we have shown each other who we really are, even when we could not see it in ourselves. I am so grateful for how we have each held space for each other, making it possible for us to open our hearts, wider and wider, as we each continue to grow in our own unique and magical ways.

And finally, after all these years, I am fully learning to love all parts of myself in the same way. It is about time.

All I can say is “Watch out world … Brenda is coming out of her self-imposed shell … and her light is shining more brightly than ever before”.

The Real Me

Wow, it seems that I am hitting the ground running. I have no idea where I will be in three weeks’ time, let alone six months from now. But I am passionately excited to enter this next decade of my life and to uninhibitedly shine my light in whatever way my heart guides me – not in a confrontational way, but in a way that fully expresses the new levels of love flowing from within my own heart, without fear of what anyone else might think.

I knew when I began this journey of self-discovery, almost six years ago, that I would fail if something inside of me did not change – yet I had no idea of just what that something was. All I knew was that my path was fueled by a genuine loving desire to heal and serve, but for whatever reason I continued to sabotage myself, never allowing myself to complete my goal, always finding an excuse to “not be enough”.

Finally, after the last eight months of deep healing and heart-opening experiences, I truly know that my continued self-sabotage was based on my own stealth self-hatred – repressed feelings of unworthiness that continued to tell me “not yet … you’re still not ready … you are still going to fail … blah blah blah”.

Even though I am emerging from what has only been an eight-month retreat, I feel as if I have actually been in a self-imposed isolation for as far back as memory can take me – and that at last I am actually emerging from a tiny jail cell – a very limiting mental prison. The bars of that prison were very real, but at the same time were all in my head. I cannot wait for the remaining mental bars to come tumbling down.

It feels so freeing to know that those inner voices were all lies – lies designed to push and coax me into discovering who I really am – and I can finally say that I love the real me. I cannot wait to embrace the journey that awaits me.

Copyright © 2015 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved