(This is the third and final installment of a series of posts describing my experiences at the “Moon Course” retreat at Las Piramides Del Ka in San Marcos La Laguna, Guatemala.)
During the course of the past year, I have been passionate about writing – passionate about documenting my experiences, my growth, my insights, and my inspirations. When I first signed up for the Moon Course, I found myself feeling very defensive about my time. I was quite relieved to learn that our structured activities would only consume about four hours out of each day.
“Surely I can set aside several hours each day to continue with my writing.” I reassured myself.
During the first ten days of the Moon Course, I made a valiant effort to write – but there were so many impromptu opportunities for growth and connection going on all around me, and I wanted to be a part of them all. I began turning down opportunities for interactions with others – all in the name of my writing, but even in doing so, I only managed to write for an hour here, or thirty minutes there. I was making very little progress and found myself beginning to resent the obligating feeling that I needed to be writing instead of experiencing.
My heart was begging me to lay my computer aside and to fully immerse myself in the Moon Course. My head was resisting, insisting that I needed to stay current with my writing. Finally, at my half-way point through the course, I succeeded in pushing my head out of the way, releasing myself from all sense of obligation to write.
The sense of freedom and peace that accompanied that decision was incredible. I was finally free to simply fully immerse myself into the ever unfolding present moment.
The gift of time that I gave to myself was an amazing blessing. Every moment seemed to effortlessly fill up with meaningful activities, connecting conversations, and spiritual sharing. I was alive … I was flowing … I was free to simply respond to unfolding synchronicities.
New Opportunities
I took advantage of beautiful opportunities to establish and to deepen friendships with many of my classmates. I felt especially blessed by long and meaningful conversations with Stephen, Sam (Samantha), Jessica, Donna, and Barak.
I participated in a couple of alternative therapy sessions, including Acupuncture, Cranial Sacral Massage, Reflexology, and Crystal healing.
And then I did something I never had any intention of doing. I learned that one of my dear classmates (Sam) was lovingly and graciously offering Reiki training on a donation basis. I was deeply surprised by internal promptings that told me that I needed to take advantage of this offer.
Prior to that moment, I had never felt a desire to learn Reiki, or to receive any Reiki attunements. I love and respect my friends who are Reiki Masters, but it just never appealed to my heart as something that I would personally pursue.
But my promptings were quite clear – promptings telling me that I needed to be attuned as a Reiki Master, even though I would probably never teach or practice Reiki on others. To this day I still do not understand why it was necessary … but to make a long story short, I followed my promptings, and yes, I am now a Reiki Master. The attunements were very powerful for me, and I have loved being able to practice Reiki on myself. I cannot wait to discover the reason behind my deeply felt need.
Why Astral Travel?
For some strange reason, I felt a constant daily craving for oatmeal. I talked to Kathleen – owner of a small café named Blue Lily – and she graciously volunteered to serve me oatmeal (with fruit and honey) every morning, even though it was not on her regular menu.
One morning, about two weeks into the Moon Course, I had just sat down with my delightful bowl of oatmeal, strawberries, and pineapple when I noticed a handsome man about my age standing two feet away with his own bowl of the same delicious porridge.
“Do you mind if I sit with you?” he asks with a pleasant smile.
“Please, sit down.” I respond as I smile and motion toward the chair directly opposite me on the quaint front porch of the Blue Lily.
What ensues is a fascinating conversation. I quickly learn that Robert is 51, having been born in Iran, but now living in Atlanta. Unbeknownst to me, he recently visited a single session of our evening meditation service at Las Piramides.
He begins to query me about my expectations and desires regarding my participation in the Moon Course. The conversation quickly turns into a discussion about astral travel.
“Why would you want to astral travel?” he asks me point blank.
I deeply appreciate the directness of his question, as I have been asking myself the same thing for several days. I explain to him that I fully understand that the dimensions to which one can astral travel are no more real than is this physical dimension in which we presently find ourselves. I express my fear that if I succeed in astral traveling, that I might get lost in the novelty of the experience and, in the process, I might lose sight of my real and ultimate goal – my passionate desire to achieve true awakening and enlightenment, which I believe has absolutely nothing to do with astral travel.
I tell Robert how grateful I felt when I heard Chaty admit in class that the astral realms are merely a mental projection too, and that not everyone in those realms is spiritually awake. In fact, Chaty told us that many people in those realms seem so asleep that they are completely unaware of her presence during her visits.
“But what do you hope to gain by astral traveling?” Robert asks again.
I explain to him about my dream on March 23, the one where I was taken to the astral realm and was told that I was an invited guest, and that I would be having an incredible experience being immersed into their culture.
“I think my dream was encouraging me to try,” I tell Robert. “I take that dream as a direct invitation to visit the astral realm.”
Then I explain to Robert that I have three spiritual guides that I believe are attempting to communicate with me, and that I have the hope that if I can astral travel, then just maybe I might be able to actually connect with them face to face – that just maybe I can learn how to open a more consistent link.
I am then completely caught off guard when Robert shares a little more personal info.
“My brother has been able to astral travel for most of his life.” Robert tells me. “The reason I am asking about your motivations is that my brother doesn’t really find any spiritual purpose to his travels. He can visit places on the other side of the world, and his experiences are fascinating – but what is the point?”
I am fascinated by Robert’s matter-of-fact discussion of astral travel as being a common and frequent experience for his brother. Prior to March 23, I had never even given the idea a second thought – never believed it to be possible. Now, just two months later, I have met several fascinating people whose lives have been intertwined by actual astral travel experiences.
My imagination continues to wonder, “Is astral travel really something that might become a reality in my future?”
The next day, as I sit down for oatmeal, it is Robert who is already in my usual seat.
“Do you mind if I join you?” I confidently ask him with a smile.
For the second day in a row, Robert and I have yet another delightful ninety-minute conversation about spiritual topics. I giggle as I realize that the Universe is simply providing me more opportunities to explore the art of lowering my defenses and being my true self around the male gender – with no expectations or attachments whatsoever.
Goodbye to Guilt
During the last two weeks of the Moon Course, my dreams are frequent. In a genuine attempt to improve my dream-remembering skills, I faithfully write down almost every nighttime adventure, even if I can barely remember only small sketchy details. But the majority of what I record in my little notebook seems to be random, not having much identifiable meaning.
Two dreams, however, seem to have obvious meaning – bringing to the surface a few guilt-filled feelings that I believed had long ago been processed and released.
Because both dreams focused on family issues, I am opting to not go into the details publicly. Suffice it to say that each dream reminded me in a very clear way that I still feel a certain amount of unresolved guilt.
The guilt, while minimal, is related to deep regrets over having abandoned my family some fourteen years ago. Even though I know in my heart that I have always had the purest and most genuine of motives, and that I have consistently done everything in my power to honor my obligations – a small amount of toxic guilt has continued to follow me around, hiding behind me in the shadows wherever I go.
There is no doubt in my mind that my life path was inspired and necessary – that I needed to do what I did, not only for my own growth, but also for the growth of my family. Had I remained in my old life I would certainly be dead today – if not physically dead from stress-caused illness or suicide, I would surely be emotionally dead from depression and feelings of emptiness and despair. But this realization has done little to dispel that pesky shadow of guilt.
One evening, a few days after my second guilt-reminding dream, Chaty tells us that we are going to do a past life regression. After instructing us to lie down on our mats, she first guides us into a very deep state of slow breathing.
As we prepare for what is to come, my left brain begins its usual annoying chatter, reminding me in a very irritating way that I don’t visualize well, and that I have tried to do a past life regression before – and that it felt like a huge waste of my time.
“Go away.” I silently dismiss the doubting voices, as an intuitive feeling tells me to go as deeply into meditation as I am capable, and to then allow my imagination to do the rest.
As chatty begins to guide us, I feel amazingly relaxed, almost physically asleep.
“Imagine a large book in front of you.” Chaty begins.
Then she instructs us to open the book to the first page where we will see a slowly rotating globe. After observing the continents slowly passing by in our awareness, we are to focus in on one that calls to us.
While I don’t actually see a globe, I can easily imagine the continents slowly passing by in front of me. I feel a strong attraction to South America.
Next we are instructed to turn the page and to observe all of the countries in our selected continent.
Peru seems to be pulling me closer, so I land there.
As Chaty uses similar processes to help us zero in, my imagination has me floating in a small homemade wooden canoe, a few hundred feet from shore in a large lake somewhere in the high-country of Peru. The name Lake Titicaca seems to flash into my mind, and I fully embrace that idea with my heart and mind.
To my amazement, I can partially see myself floating in the canoe. I can see its old wooden sides barely rising above the surface of the calm swaying waters around me. I intuitively know that I am a man, perhaps in my late thirties. I feel myself repeatedly throwing a net out into the water.
“I am a fisherman.” I tell myself with delight as I experience a strong sense of knowing.
As Chaty asks us to further explore our surroundings, I find myself on land, observing a couple of older wooden structures created from unpainted, unevenly cut, decaying lumber. The peaked roofs and style of windows lead me to feel as if I am in the late 1800’s or early 1900’s. Again, I can actually see faint images of these buildings.
“Look around you some more.” Chaty continues. “Pay attention to the energy of other people around you. Do you see anyone that you recognize?”
I find myself in a nearby cornfield, with the strong awareness that in addition to being a fisherman, I also grow my own corn. The corn (yes, I see it) is green and healthy, perhaps waist high. I look down toward the ground and see a beautiful young girl at my side, perhaps five or six years old. I intuitively know that she is my daughter. I am a single father, her mother passed away when she was a baby, and I have raised her on my own. I feel an intense love for this precious little girl. I have sacrificed so much for her, and with all my heart I desire to take care of her, to be there for her, to protect her.
And then to my surprise, I see her face and clearly recognize the childhood face of my former wife in this present-day lifetime. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this precious little girl at my side in a cornfield in Peru is the same woman to whom I was married for twenty years in this lifetime.
Chaty then tells us that we are going to fast forward to the time or our death in this past lifetime. Again I find myself back in the enormous lake, this time further out toward the middle. While floating in this huge body of water, an unexpected thunderstorm arises suddenly.
Just as I imagine this scenario, a clap of thunder sounds loudly outside of the pyramid temple. I smile inside as I continue allowing my imagination to guide me.
“I’m going to drown.” I tell myself with deep intense emotion. “I am abandoning my little girl. She will never know what happened to me. She will have no one to take care of her. I won’t be there to protect her, to care for her, to provide for her.”
The powerful intensity of the emotion running through my body literally shocks me, overwhelming me. Tears begin to stream down my cheeks – tears of deep regret, deep sadness, and deep guilt. How I wished I could run out of the temple in that exact moment to find a private place where I could allow my intense grief to burst forth.
Chaty begins to guide us back to the present, asking us to begin breathing faster, to wiggle our fingers and toes, rolling onto our side, etc… I resist, I don’t want to leave now; I want to process these emotions. They are deep, they are intense, they are real, and they are consuming me.
With tiny droplets bubbling in my eyes, I leave the temple as soon as the doorway in the floor is opened. With determination I hurry silently back to my room, curl up on my bed, pull a pillow and sweatshirt over my face to muffle the sounds, and begin to literally sob.
For over thirty minutes, I allow the intense heaving sobs to pour forth from my body. Streams of tears flood down my cheeks, my belly shakes violently, and my jaws rattle as my teeth chatter rapidly. Every cell of my body seems to be releasing intense, deeply held emotion.
All the while, part of me remains the observer, cheering myself on, fully aware from past experience that as soon as this powerful emotion is allowed to be vented and ultimately released, I will feel an incredible sense of freedom and healing.
Slowly, the emotions begin to subside. My belly calms, my jaw relaxes, my tears cease. An amazing sense of lightness makes me feel as if I might just float away. The burden of intense guilt seems to have disappeared.
“I died” I tell myself with amazement. “There is nothing I could have done. It wasn’t my fault that I was not able to take care of that little girl, to raise her, to protect her.”
“I died … I died … I died.” I repeat over and over. “I did not abandon her. I did not abandon her.”
As my focus returns to this lifetime, similar parallel realizations are clearly obvious.
“What happened fourteen years ago was a part of my path that needed to happen.” The feelings flow intuitively. “If I had not done what I did, I would have died. I was already dying. It was meant to happen. It needed to happen. My motives were always pure and genuine. I could not have stopped it. It was not my fault. It was good. It was the plan of the Universe.”
As these peaceful realizations firmly imprint themselves in my heart, I notice that all feelings of guilt and obligation are amazingly lifted, missing, gone. For the first time in years, I feel free of debilitating emotions that no longer served any useful purpose.
The insights I was given were not necessarily new … but the freedom from guilt was shiny and clean, fresh out of the factory, still having that new-car smell.
Whether everything that happened in that past-life regression was real or simply my imagination created by an amazingly sophisticated sub-conscious mind – I may never know.
But one thing I do know is that “I do not need to know”.
Real or simply imagined, the Universe blessed me with a powerful experience that brought another amazing round of deep healing to my soul.
Silence and Starving
By the time our final six days arrives, I am actually looking forward to them. I have no doubt in my mind that six days of silence will be easy for me. What concerns me is the thought of going six days on blended juices plus a couple of minimal, bland, flavorless, blended soups each day.
“I can do this.” I rally myself on. “If at any point I feel a physical need for more food, I am free to do so. I will just take it one day at a time.”
I actually love the juice part of my diet. Kathleen at Blue Lily makes me a variety of interesting concoctions with her juicer. To my utter amazement, I learn that I don’t actually hate beets or beet juice after all. It is amazing what I like when I actually taste it.
But the soups are another matter. Most of my classmates opt to make their own, but I instead choose to purchase two bowls per day from a sweet Mayan woman who works in the Las Piramides office. Twice each day, for the first four days, I stroll into the reception area and Irma hands me my bland bowl of mystery soup – some type of vegetable boiled to a watery pulp and then blended to a runny flavorless mush.
On the first day, my soups have a hint of the flavor and texture of broccoli. On the second, I cannot tell what I am eating by the taste – but it is orange and I assume that it might be some type of squash. I give up caring on the third day as I believe I might be eating a watery mixture of blended, unseasoned, boiled carrots. On the fourth day, I only remember that I frequently fight the urge to vomit as I place each spoonful into my mouth. But hey, it was nourishment, and I desperately needed to put something into my stomach.
To my amazement, I make it through the first four days of restricted diet feeling strong, energized, and only slightly hungry.
As lunchtime on day five arrives, I am surprised to learn that there has been a miscommunication in the office, and Irma has cooked me no soups. Confidently, I stroll over to the Blue Lily and write Kathleen a note. Yes, she has a bowl of blended three-bean-soup, bland and spice-less, prepared just in case someone from the Moon Course stopped by in need.
Our sixth day is supposed to be complete fasting from food, drinking only water with electrolytes. I decide to start this full fasting a half day early, believing myself capable of going thirty-six hours. I later regret this decision.
Busy Work
Prior to our last week, I experienced deep curiosity, wondering just what exciting things we might be asked to do while in our silence.
As Chaty outlines our assignments, I am actually quite amazed at how busy our final days will be. While our time together as a group will be limited to morning Yoga and evening meditation, our remaining silent free time is to be filled with daily meditation tasks. Each day has an assigned meditation theme, and to complete that meditation we are asked to meditate in four different places – the medicinal garden while connecting with the element earth and our physical world – the lake while connecting with the element water and the emotional world – our private room while connecting with the element air and the mental world – and the pyramid temple while connecting with the element fire (candle) and the spiritual world.
While I explore slight resistance in certain areas, I mostly love my experiences during the first four days. Even though the majority of my time is consumed by completing our assigned meditative endeavors, I find myself longing for free blocks of time where I can simply meditate in my room, attempting to connect to the universe in ways that I never before believed possible.
On the first day we meditate extensively over the concept of “light”, asking questions like “Where is the light?” “How is the light manifest?” “What makes me feel disconnected from the light?” and “In what ways can I reconnect with the light?”
On days two through five, we work progressively through a life plan in the areas of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. First we meditate on “what is our ideal state?”, then “how do I currently measure up to that ideal?”, then “what do I need to do to reach that ideal?”, and finally “what are the obstacles that stand in my way?”
Most of these meditation tasks resonate deeply with my soul, but I also find myself rebelling when it comes to making plans, especially plans related to changing the physical world.
To Step Out Of My Comfort Zone
By the morning of the fifth day, I am feeling quite resentful, and beginning to feel judgment and irritation at the silliest of things. I feel annoyed by our yoga teacher. The meditation tasks for the day feel very redundant and pointless. I don’t like the interpretation of the “angel cards” that I pulled during last night’s meditation – it does not speak to me at all. And I simply do not want to make any plans in the physical arena.
Yes, I am grouchy, irritated, rebellious, and beginning to feel quite hungry.
“OK Brenda, it is time to go back up to the top of the hill to spiritual reconnect.” My Jedi voices resound loudly in my heart.
I honor the voices, and am soon looking over my favorite cliff, staring at a gorgeous panoramic view of Lake Atitlan, attempting to re-center myself.
I feel inspired to sing a few motivational songs. Soon I am singing one of my favorites, titled “Voice of Truth” by a group called “Casting Crowns.”
The lyrics always inspire me to find the courage and faith to follow my heart. As I begin singing through the lyrics for the second time, a portion of one short line jumps out at me.
“To step out of my comfort zone … into the realm of the unknown.”
Then, a line from “A Course In Miracles” flashes into my mind.
“I am never upset for the reason I think.”
Immediately, a profound flash of awareness permeates my soul.
“I am not upset about meaningless busy work, or about a yoga class, or about hunger.” I tell myself as the light bulb begins to glow in my mind. “I am upset because I am afraid. I have grown comfortable in my spiritual path, comfortable with traveling without a plan, comfortable with living out of a backpack, comfortable with smelly outdoor bathrooms, comfortable with strange foods, and the list goes on.”
“In reality, I am terrified at the thought of once again stepping out of my comfort zone back into the realm of the unknown. I am deeply afraid of what it might mean if I actually do succeed in astral traveling.”
“I am afraid of my light – afraid of finding my light and afraid of shining my light.”
I begin to analyze “What does it mean to step out of my comfort zone?”
The answers began to flow: “New learning, new experiences, new growth, new insights, new connections with divinity, new challenges, new exhilarations, and new experiences in present moment living.”
In the flash of an instant, I magically reconnect with spirit, and my heart returns to radiating peace.
I can step out of my comfort zone.
I will step out of my comfort zone.
A Little Bit Of Willingness
Whenever I have a precious spare hour during our extended silence, I hideout in my room, light a candle, surround myself with crystals, and lie back on my bed in meditation. Gently pushing back my doubts I confidently remind myself about my March dream.
“The Universe wants me to astral travel.” I encourage myself. “The Universe is inviting me to try.”
After putting myself into a deep state of meditation, I make a loving and genuine appeal to the Universe.
“Holy Spirit.” I speak in a silent voice. “I’m here. I’m unattached to the outcome, and I willingly place myself in your hands. Please, share with me whatever experience that I may be ready for.”
During the first two days, I feel a great deal of profound peace, but do not feel as if I am close to traveling anywhere. Suddenly, as I am about ready to end my meditation, with my eyes still closed, I perceptually visualize that some type of swirling energy is directly above me. In a very real way, I feel as if a hand is reaching down through the energy, grabbing hold of my outstretched hand, and beginning to pull me toward the vortex.
My head gets in the way as I begin to feel both excited and fearful at the very same time. Seconds after visualizing the swirling energy and feeling myself being pulled toward its direction, I feel myself returning to my body and I watch as the visualized image fades away into nothingness.
My feelings tell me in clear terms that today’s meditation attempt is finished.
Temples, Walls and Tunnels
On Wednesday afternoon, near the end of my fifth day of silence, I create another block of time for a deep meditation attempt. My original intent is to put myself into a state where astral travel just might be possible … but that does not seem to be where my heart wants to guide me.
As I relax into meditation, I succumb to a powerful internal feeling that tells me, “Do not attempt to do anything … simply lay back and watch … allow … feel … experience.”
To my surprise I start visualizing. Rather than trying to control what I see, I simply watch the parade of images that is placed before my imagination.
First I clearly see my first grade photo – a photo of a beautiful little boy with a very sad insecure look on his face. Immediately, I remember the emotions of that innocent child. These are my own emotions from so very long ago. This child is very unsure of himself. He believes his smile is ugly, and he feels very intimidated by the thought of posing for the camera.
“But I had such a happy childhood.” I ponder. “I have no memory of anything ever happening that could have possibly given me the message that I was ugly – that I didn’t fit in. Where could that message have come from?”
As I continue to allow the visual images to proceed, I see faint glimpses of old nineteenth century buildings – tall buildings and short buildings.
“I used to be a young girl in this city back in the 1800’s.” My intuitive feelings surge from within.
“This looks a lot like New York City.” I ponder.
“It IS New York City.” My intuitions firmly confirm.
As I ponder the scene in front of me, I have the strongest sense that during this lifetime I was emotionally and verbally abused, repeatedly told how ugly I was, how worthless I was.
At this point I see no more images, but I feel prompted to speak to that young girl, telling her how beautiful – how perfect – she was. As I begin to do so, I am overwhelmed with emotion as I intuitively sense the growing presence of many children from a multitude of my other past lives – precious children that are listening to my loving message of their beauty and perfection.
After a period of communicating emotion and deep love, I begin to see images once again. I vividly see a steep staircase made from old grey stones, directly in front of me. A small but rapid stream of clear pure water is running down the front of these stone steps, gently trickling from one step to the next, disappearing below me.
For what seems like minutes, I enjoy this beautiful clear image in my mind, wondering “What could it mean?”
Suddenly, I witness with horror as a huge blob of black mud comes flying from somewhere behind me. The mud lands right in the middle of the clear flowing waters. Simultaneously, a deep intuitive feeling tells me “This is what happened to you … and it was all a lie.”
As I watch the clear water continue to flow, beginning to work its way through the pile of mud, the visual image in my head begins to pan out, and I see that the stone staircase is really the stone steps of a beautiful small pyramid.
“I am that pyramid temple.” The feeling clearly resonates in my soul.
The image continues to pan out. The pyramid disappears into my visualized image of old New York City. “I am that too.” The feelings tell me.
The visual images cease but the experience continues to unfold as I energetically feel myself panning from city to continent to world, to solar system, to galaxy, and to the Universe … all the while intuitively feeling … “And I am that … and I am that … and I am that.”
At this point I feel utterly amazed at how the simple act of allowing a meditation to guide me – to flow through me – has given me both a past life regression and a beautiful message of wholeness.
As I ponder this thought, the visual images return to my mind. This time I am witnessing a huge massive wall. The wall is glowing in a pale white. It is not a flat and smooth wall, but instead seems to be made from a collection of geometrically shaped objects and translucent crystals. The wall glimmers with a magical luminescence.
As I simply observe and enjoy this beautiful wall, I notice that it begins to rotate ever so slowly around a center point directly in front of me. I feel deep peace and fascination as I continue to watch the wall glow and rotate. The image persists for a period of several minutes.
Then I feel the wall begin to change. The center point suddenly opens to what appears to be a circular window. Against a black backdrop, a single bright star glimmers at the exact center point of the window. As I continue to observe, the wall suddenly expands like a telescope, with the middle projecting away from me, the outside edges coming closer, until the entire image reminds me of some type of telescope or tunnel.
The visual is beautiful, unreal. I am dazzled by the fascinating structure of the rotating tunnel lined by what appear to be geometrical shapes of light. I feel as if I am witnessing a science fiction image from a star trek episode. All the while, the small bright star continues to shine at the far end of this amazing tunnel.
Suddenly I realize: “This looks like a tunnel with a light at the end … could it be that I am supposed to go through this tunnel to the other side? Could it be that this is a portal to astral travel?”
As I ponder this thought, I feel as if my energy begins to pull me toward the tunnel.
Then my head jumps into the fray. I am feeling both excited and scared. At the slightest feeling of panic, I sense my energy returning from the near end of the tunnel back into my body.
My mind’s visual images fade quickly to nothingness, and a strong intuitive feeling tells me that my practice for today is over.
I am deeply humbled as I ponder the events of what just happened, wondering what it all means while at the same time knowing in my heart that everything is perfect – and that future events will happen, if they happen, exactly when it is time.
A Joyful Rule Breaker
It is the morning of day six. We have just finished a beautiful ceremony to officially commemorate our six day silent retreat. The experience was beautiful and symbolic, yet I feel slightly disappointed. For some reason, Chaty needed to leave town and our ceremony was held in the early morning instead of later that night.
We have graduated … but wait … we haven’t graduated.
We still have the remainder of the day to remain in silence and to continue our final day of a water-only fast. We still have meditation assignments to work on – and none of those assignments are speaking to my soul.
As I sit in the reception area, copying the meaning of last night’s angel/oracle cards, I feel a wall of renewed resistance surging from within me.
“This is utterly stupid.” I ponder to myself. “I don’t feel like any of this stuff fits me, I don’t believe in archangels and oracle cards, and the messages are completely counter intuitive to what my heart is telling me.”
As I return to my room in an attempt to meditate and to settle my emotional resistance, I find myself reclining on my bed in sheer frustration and utter rebellion.
“HOLY SPIRIT … I DON’T WANT TO DO THE SUN COURSE.” I exclaim out loud. “I DON’T BELIEVE A LOT OF THIS SILLY CRAP … I DON’T WANT TO STUDY ABOUT MUCH OF THE STUFF TAUGHT IN THE SUN COURSE … I DON’T WANT TO WASTE MY TIME … PLEASE TELL ME WHY I HAVE TO DO IT.”
I feel angry. I feel desperate. I feel rebellious.
Almost immediately, my mind is guided back to memories of my resistance in November, 2005, when I received incredibly strong guidance to go back to the University to get a Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling.
I had fought that decision with everything I could muster before I finally succumbed to the spiritual promptings.
Then my memories flash to the constant resistance that I felt during my four year course of studies. I did not want to learn about Freud’s crazy theories. I had no interest in learning about Behavioral Therapy, and in discussing therapy techniques that treat people as no more intelligent than conditioned dogs or rats. I had no interest in studying anything that did not resonate with my soul.
But in spite of my resistance, I pushed myself forward through the degree process, because I knew deeply in my heart that my reason for getting that degree was inspired and would have a beautiful outcome.
Next, my memories flash to the strong conviction that I have today. While I may never use my Masters Degree in a mainstream way, I absolutely know that it was a crucial and necessary step in my life progression. Had I not followed that prompting, I would have remained entrapped in a left-brained world of career, money, logic, and social obligation. My life is deeply changed and blessed for having followed my inner guidance.
As I sit in my room, pondering these many powerful memories given to me by spirit, I have no doubt about what I am being told.
“Brenda, You ARE doing the Sun Course.” My heart tells me. “It is a crucial element of your future path. Events and connections will occur during those three months that will have a major impact on your spiritual journey – you will have experiences that you could not acquire in any other way.”
Then I begin to giggle as my spiritual intuitions continue.
“It is perfectly OK,” my heart tells me, “for you to NOT embrace every teaching that is thrown your way. You need to participate in the course, but you do NOT need to believe in or wrap your arms around every teaching that may be taught there.”
“You are in this for the higher purpose. Don’t concern yourself with rules. Don’t focus on the things that do not resonate with your heart and soul. Instead, seek out and focus on the things that make your heart sing. That is all you need to do. Let spirit guide you.”
For the first time in my life, I feel excited about being a rule breaker. Yes, I am doing the Sun Course. And Yes, I will participate with a genuine intent and purpose. But no, I will never again allow my heart to be drug through the mud by a sense of obligation to follow letter-of-the-law beliefs and procedures. I will not do things in the Sun Course just for the sake of being compliant.
Instead, I will choose my own heart as a guide.”
The Voice Of Truth
As I finish writing about my incredible healing experiences in the Moon Course at Las Piramides del Ka, I cannot help but respond to a deep prompting to share the full words to a song that has profoundly inspired me for many years.
This same song guided me through some very stiff resistance during the last ten days of my Moon Course roller coaster ride.
I apologize for the fact that I was unsuccessful in attempting to discover who wrote the melody and lyrics.
Voice Of Truth
Performed by: Casting Crowns
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I’m in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And he’s holding out his hand
But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me time and time again
Boy, you’ll never win, you’ll never win
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says do not be afraid
The voice of truth says this is for my glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they’d had the strength to stand
But the giant’s calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I’ve tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me time and time again
Boy you’ll never win, you’ll never win
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says do not be afraid
The voice of truth says this is for my glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Whenever I begin to feel afraid, this song has a way of replenishing my soul – giving me the faith to leave my comfort zone – giving me the courage to climb out of my safe and dry boat – giving me the willpower to stand up and boldly face the seeming giants in my life.
I refuse to listen to the lies that tell me I will fail, that tell me there is no point in even trying.
Instead, I choose to listen to the voice of truth – and I cannot wait to see where that voice may guide me next.
Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved