(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal manner.)
Saturday, June 19 – 4:45 a.m.
My travels from Xela to San Marcos yesterday morning went very smoothly – only an hour and a half bus ride and a forty minute boat ride. By shortly after 11:00 a.m. I was checked into my new temporary home at Posada Schuman. This is a different room than I had before, and as I checked out the bed, it reminded me of a slab of concrete with a thin yoga mat on top. The old me would have refused to consider sleeping on such a bed. The new me simply smiled and said “I can do this.”
I walked over to Las Piramides to reconnect with the energy. I stopped by the office to talk to Irma. It looks like there will be about six or seven of us in the Sun Course. To my surprise, I learned that we are starting at the exact same time that the present Moon Course will enter their silence. This will be quite interesting, starting out the Sun Course without being able to talk for the first five days.
I asked Irma when she wanted me to pay, and she responded that “Now would be good.” I was anxious to get rid of the 12,000 Quetzales (about $1,500 US) that I have been carrying around, so I ran back to my hotel room to grab my secret stash of money – money that has taken me six trips to the ATM to collect over the last few weeks. The $500 per month fee covers a place to sleep and all of my classes – quite a good deal. Paying the money up front gave me a great sense of peace – knowing that the money is nonrefundable – knowing that have I essentially committed myself once and for all to stay for the full Sun Course. I know it will be an incredible experience.
After taking care of business, I stopped by the Blue Lily Café to talk to my friend Kathleen (the owner). After quick hugs, she told me that she was running off to San Pedro to watch England play in the World Cup. I have been amazed at how the people in Guatemala and Mexico are so into the World Cup competitions. Everywhere I go over the last few weeks, I see people gathered around televisions, cheering on their favorite teams. I am even starting to pay attention and to feel the spirit of their energy myself.
As Kathleen gave me a quick see-ya-later hug, she introduced me to her helper, Christina – a lady who had served me a juice smoothy during my Moon Course silence and partial fast. I had a delightful conversation with Christina. She has been living in San Marcos for a couple of months now, and I was fascinated to learn about a few of her travel experiences in Mexico. In her own way, she is on her own unique journey of learning about herself through her travels. I am quite interested to see where/if this friendship leads.
After lunch, I took a walk around San Marcos to re-connect with the city. As I neared the river channel where the severe flooding from Tropical Storm Agatha took place, I was surprised to see the work in progress. The lower half of the river below the main bridge has been mostly dug out, and huge (and I mean huge) piles of rocks are piled all over the sides of the channel. Just above the bridge, a large caterpillar back hoe worked busily, beginning to remove huge boulders from that part of the plugged up river channel. I watched with fascination as the work continued for more than an hour. Water continues to flow over the top of the bridge, as the path under the bridge itself remains completely plugged by rocks and mud. As I observed the continuing cleanup, my emotions filled with memories of how I felt on Sunday May 30, the day that I first surveyed the damage – the day that I left San Marcos to go find refuge in San Pedro.
A while later, as I walked through the soccer field below, I noticed several men and boys sifting through the mud, collecting small gravel in buckets. Later I noticed several men carrying large sacks filled with medium sized rocks, with the weight suspended from their heads. It warmed my heart to see how some of the people are using the same rocks that destroyed part of their village to now provide building materials for another part of their village.
After my explorations I sat on a wooden chair on my small porch reading “The Mystical Qabalah”, I was shocked to see my friend-to-be “Sandra” walk down the stairs from above. She is in the room directly above me. I first met her on my first day of the Moon Course. She had been living in the same room that I moved into, and I had found out later that she is from Australia, and is dear friends with Stephen’s son – Stephen being the man that I befriended during my own Moon Course. Sandra will be starting the Sun Course with me on Monday. I just adore her, and have the suspicion that we will become friends over the course of the next three months.
A while later I was also very surprised to see another Sandra (#2) – a white-haired woman from the States who has been doing the present Sun Course. She and Stephen had talked quite a bit, but I had never gotten to know her until we had a short chat on the day that I left to relocate to San Pedro. On that day, Sandra temporarily broke her silence to chat with me, and that conversation had been quite valuable for both of us – she discussing her own frustrations and me discussing my resistance and promptings about doing the Sun Course.
Last night, Sandra #2 looked so much more alive than I have ever seen her. I was very surprised to learn that she had made the difficult decision to withdraw from the Sun Course just two weeks before completing it. We discussed her reasons, many of which have been my own fears – but I could see that for her, her decision to leave had been a very good one. She has grown tremendously from her experiences, but knew it was time to move on – to San Cristobal de las Casas of all places – the same place I visited last week. (Coincidence??)
As I talked to Sandra #2, I again had a few doubts enter my mind about whether the Sun Course is right for me. I felt a warm sense of peace in knowing that my money is already paid, and I am fully committed – there is no backing out without loosing $1,500. I am “all in” – knowing that my experience will be a unique and personal one – quite different than that of anyone else, and I am still anxious to see where Spirit guides me. Right before leaving, Sandra mentioned that she has a very comfortable prepaid room that would be available for the next three nights, since she is leaving early Saturday morning and was unable to get a refund.
“I would take you up on your offer.” I told her, “But I have already prepaid for four nights in my own room here at Posada Schuman.
As 5:30 p.m. came and went, I decided it was time to go find dinner. To my surprise, as I walked over to Ganesh restaurant to check it out, I bumped into Sandra #2 who was waiting to return a book to a friend. I felt prompted to tell her that I was interested in checking out her free room, even though I might not get a refund for my own. To make a long story short, I liked her room but felt a very weird energy from the hotel staff. I then went and talked to the manager of my own hotel and got the run around about the possibility of a refund. When I returned to find Sandra and tell her that my heart is telling me to stay at my own hotel, we decided to do dinner together.
I think the Universe set up the whole situation, just to get us together to talk more – to get to know each other a little better. Of all places, we ended up going to the Japanese restaurant – the same restaurant that had been severely damaged during the flooding three weeks ago. Even though the outdoor eating area had been covered with mud and rocks, the buildings themselves had suffered very little damage, and the restaurant had reopened earlier this week. Sandra and I had a delightful discussion as we shared elements from our respective Spiritual paths. Toward the end of our discussion we exchanged emails. I have no idea if we will actually remain in contact, but I feel as if we were guided together last night for a reason. Regardless of what that reason might be, I left dinner with a deep sense of peace and clarity regarding my upcoming Sun Course experience.
Shortly after 3:30 a.m. this morning, I found myself reviewing yesterday’s events, writing a journal entry in my head. “This is silly” I told myself, I’ll just get up and write it so my brain will stop racing.
While the bed has been extremely hard, I have actually slept quite well up to this point. I have the distinct feeling that I ate dinner with my friend Pyper last night – it must have been a dream – it had to have been a dream. But the strange thing is that I don’t remember last night’s dreams. In fact, since leaving the Moon Course three weeks ago I have made no effort whatsoever to practice dreaming or trying to Astral travel – I have been too weak, too tired, too rebellious. Now, just two days before beginning the Sun Course, I feel a renewed energy to start over – a new burst of enthusiasm to put my heart and soul into the effort.
And now, back to bed …
Sunday, June 20 – 8:10 a.m.
I went to Panajachel yesterday. I needed more money from the ATM and there were also a few critical supplies – such as a large bottle of peanut butter, a straw mat, and a decent flashlight – that I needed to purchase.
I had an interesting experience on the morning boat ride. As we were taking on more passengers, I began to turn and stand up to move to a bench further back in the boat. As I was preparing to scoot backward, a Mayan woman beside me poked me very hard in the side. When I glanced to look at her, she scowled at me with an angry hateful expression and pointed to her foot. My shoe was directly on top of her foot, which I had mistaken for the bottom of the boat. I felt very bad and immediately moved my foot and apologized. The woman just scowled at me with hatred in her eyes and would not acknowledge my apologetic words. She turned her head and ignored me for the rest of the journey, never speaking a word. As she left the boat at the next village, I wanted to make eye contact and smile at her, but she would not even look at me.
The “old me” would have felt horrible at her reaction to my apology. I would have felt misjudged by her. I would have felt devastated by the fact that someone could hate me so much and I would have desperately wanted to do something to change her opinion of me.
The “new me” realized that her judgments had absolutely nothing to do with me personally. Something is going on in her life that has made her very upset, and for one reason or another she is most likely carrying a huge grudge towards foreigners, projecting that hatred onto me. I simply smiled inside and energetically sent loving energy in her direction, knowing there was nothing else that I could do to release her from her own pain.
I spent much of the rest of Saturday pondering the issue, wondering what might have happened to her to make her react with such a “call for love” – wondering what I can do radiate more genuine love in her direction.
On a more positive note, I changed rooms at Posada Schuman yesterday afternoon. The bed in my new room is the perfect softness … yippee.
As I sit here on my soft bed typing, I realize that it was exactly three weeks ago at this very moment when I was first walking around San Marcos, surveying the aftermath of Tropical Storm Agatha. This simple thought brings back the many deep emotions that I felt as I witnessed the paralyzing damage to many of the local peoples’ homes and property. I can only imagine the struggle that many people here must still go through as they attempt to pick up the pieces of their lives – yet life does appear to be going on in a mostly normal fashion all around me.
I cannot help but recognize my own vulnerability – and the continued vulnerability of the local people – as I contemplate the situation here in Guatemala. Another tropical storm formed just off the western coast of Guatemala yesterday morning. A quick glance at the weather maps last night showed that this particular storm is moving away from Guatemala, out into the vast Pacific. But hurricane season has just begun, and the rainy season will continue on for four or five additional months.
I feel a deep sense of peace, knowing that all will be well in my own life no matter what does or does not happen … but my heart goes out to the local people, many of whom must feel a deep sense of fear and vulnerability at every hint of additional severe rains.
Sunday, June 21 – 7:30 p.m.
I just got back from dinner with Sandra from Australia – the same Sandra who will be entering the Sun Course with me tomorrow. (The Sandra #2 that I ate dinner with on Friday left for Mexico on Saturday Morning). I have to laugh at the parallels between tonight and Friday night – same names – one Sandra just left the Sun Course, one is just beginning – same Japanese restaurant – great conversations – and both evenings ended with a wet walk on dark muddy and winding paths through the aftermath of a heavy cloudburst.
It was a beautiful evening, filled with amazing spiritual and connecting conversation. During the course of two and a half hours, we both shared much of our life stories and our respective spiritual journeys. The discussion was nonstop, inspired and electrifying stories shared on both sides.
I am amazed at how calm and peaceful I am now when I feel a prompting to share about the gender struggles in my life – I am no longer sharing anything shocking or shameful – I am simply telling stories about past events in my life that have helped shape me to be who I am today.
I am thoroughly amazed by the spiritual depth and wisdom of Sandra. She is only 23 and is already immersed in a deep and meaningful spiritual journey. The stories she shared about recent dreams and meditation experiences were deeply inspiring to me, refueling my soul on the eve of what I know is going to be an amazing three month journey into the unknown of my soul.
Tomorrow it all begins, but I will remain present. Tonight I am excited to immerse myself in meditation, being willing and making myself open to whatever experiences may come my way.
Monday, June 21 – 6:50 p.m.
Today has been a very interesting day. While I have made several attempts at meditation, both last night and today, I have had a difficult time in doing so – mostly because of an over-stimulated chattering mind that quickly swings between the extremes of active and energetic to the other extreme of sleepy exhaustion – mostly skipping the middle ground.
I had to laugh at lunch early this afternoon. I came away with a new appreciation for the term “Mom and Pop restaurant.” I walked into a tiny restaurant on the edge of town. As I checked out the menu, “Garlic chicken” sounded extremely yummy. I have decided to not maintain a vegetarian diet during the Sun Course. When I ordered my chicken, the sweet Mayan woman looked slightly concerned. I asked if she had chicken, and she indicated that there was no problem – she would get some. She stepped outside to find someone, then came back and picked up her one-year-old, strapped him to her back with a large swath of colorful fabric and said “If I leave him he will crawl out into the street.”
The woman disappeared out the front entrance with her baby, leaving me alone in the restaurant. A minute later, she returned and slipped back into the kitchen. About twenty minutes later I learn that the husband has been out shopping for chicken when he comes into the restaurant, approaches my table, and tells me “We’re going to have to change your order. I was not able to find any chicken.”
I just smiled and ordered the vegetarian spaghetti. As the wife began to boil the pasta, I ordered a Sprite. The husband again disappeared out the front door and returned another ten minutes later with a cool (not cold) can of Sprite which I can only assume he must have gone to a tiny store down the street to purchase.
I just giggled inside as I waited for my meal, realizing that this restaurant is so tiny and has so few customers that they most likely cannot afford to keep less-common foods in stock, nor can they go to the luxury of partially preparing any food before a customer shows up.
I loved my delicious oversize plate of spaghetti covered with tomato sauce, broccoli, boiled potatoes, tomatoes, and boiled carrots. It was actually quite yummy.
My Sun Course officially started this evening, about two hours ago. Apparently, this is the first time ever that a Sun Course has started on the exact same day that a Moon Course was going into their five days of silence (yes I did six days, but most groups only do five) – and whenever a Moon Course is in Silence, the Sun Course always joins them. It will seem quite strange – and actually quite special – to be in complete silence during the first five days of the Sun Course. We will not start any classes for another week.
Tonight we had a spiritual ceremony to begin our five days of silence. There are eight of us in our Sun Course, and we all dressed in white. First we completed a 30 minute silent meditation. Then Chaty passed a candle around, asking us to one one-by-one transfer the flame to our own personal candle as we verbally dedicated our retreat to something external outside of ourselves. As I lit my candle, I dedicated my retreat experience to the spiritual enlightenment of our planet. The rest of the ceremony was filled with symbolism as we focused energy on our intentions for the next five days.
As we continued meditating tonight, I found myself still struggling with mental chatter and feeling spiritually disconnected. Suddenly, my memory flashed to a simple statement made by one of my favorite seminar givers – Greg Braden. The message “Feeling is the prayer” flashed repeatedly through my mind. I realized that up until that moment I was being quite resistant, analytical, and serious, still questioning my reasons for participating in the Sun Course.
Immediately, I began to imagine myself in my most unconditionally loving state – bringing to memory images of my grandchildren – two of whom are recent newborns whom I have not even met. Then I imagined the group of some of my closest spiritually-minded friends who held an amazing sendoff gathering for me exactly one year and ten days ago. I immersed myself in the same deep feeling of intense unconditionally loving emotion that I felt during that beautiful night when my “Brenda’s Bicycles” journey began.
As I imagined and allowed these loving emotions to flow through me, I immediately began to feel a rush of spiritual energy tingling throughout my body – a feeling that continues even now as I write about the experience that occurred just a little over an hour ago. It is so easy to forget that the most important thing I can do when approaching a meditation or a prayer is to lighten-up and to simply generate the gratitude-filled emotions that make me feel so connected.
I realize that I have been approaching my Sun Course in such a serious and defensive manner that I have completely forgotten to simply immerse myself in a joyous and loving experience – with no expectations whatsoever. With all of my heart, I hope I can remember this deep flash of insight throughout the next three months: “The most important thing I can do in this retreat is to radiate love in every situation, to experience the fullness of innocent joy in my heart, and to simply allow the rest to happen all by itself.”
Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved