(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)
Monday, August 2 – 7:00 p.m.
Just as with Saturday, My Sunday (yesterday) was accompanied by a feeling of spiritual disconnect – a feeling of rebellion toward rules – a feeling of being confused between the messages in my head versus the subtle feelings in my heart.
Throughout the majority of my life, I have desperately adhered to structure and rules. As a young struggling teenage boy, my external behavior was all I could use to prove my worth to the world. I desperately clung to the belief that if I did everything the “right way” that I could be cured, loved, and accepted. All I ever wanted was to be normal and to blend invisibly into society. My biggest terrorizing nightmare was that someone might figure out that I was “different.”
Try as I might (during the last few years) to break free of these unwelcome bonds that have restricted me my entire life, I still have clots of that excessive rule-following blood running through my veins. When I started the Sun Course, I was determined to participate in it with an “attitude” – to do it my way, listening to my personal internal promptings, breaking any rule to which my heart might not fully identify.
What I learned as I began the Sun Course is that there are no rules in the Sun Course, so to say. Yes, we have suggested study materials, and a small amount of structure. Yes, we have classes in which we study Tarot, Astrology, Kabala, etc – but there is no test at the end of the day, no one to tell us if we are doing things right. It is highly understood that this is an individual experience. About the only real structure we have been given is that Chaty asked us to spend our first 50 days filling our head with as much of the related intellectual information as possible. Then, during our final 40 days of silence and reduced diet we will do the exact opposite – we will cease reading and will instead spend our entire day spinning with spirit – meditating, writing, experiencing, etc.
But, nevertheless, even with no rules, I still seem to be subconsciously doing things the way they are “supposed to be done”.
I suspect that a great deal of my struggles on Saturday and Sunday are related to the fact that my dear friend Sandra announced to me in class on Friday that she will be entering her silence ten days early – beginning on Monday evening after meditation. This revelation triggered in me considerable deep emotion and pondering. Just like Sandra, my heart is telling me that I have learned enough – that I need to spend my time spiritually spinning and emotionally experiencing – enough already with the head-learning.
Nevertheless, I attempted to spend my Saturday in study mode – only to find myself constantly resisting – until after evening meditation that is. For me, writing for three and a half hours on Saturday evening was the most spiritually powerful portion of my day.
Sunday started out with beautiful intentions, but I again fizzled. I had a great Skype conversation with my dear friend Jeanette, but the moment my headset was placed on the table I felt my resistance again surface with a vengeance. I was determined to finish reading a book called the Kybalion – a book about ancient Hermetic teachings – a powerful little book that I first read during my Moon Course – one of only two books that are “required” reading for the Sun Course.
During the week I was thoroughly enjoying my reading, but Sunday I had to force myself. Nevertheless, I did indeed finish the book for the second time – but in so doing I felt as if I were beating my head against a brick wall. My soul was telling me that I should be doing something else, and I was not listening.
By evening I was a basket case – feeling totally disconnected from source – feeling as if I would like to just hide out in my room, curl up on my bed, and cry – attempting to access the bottled up emotion that was making me feel spiritually sterile. But instead, I put on my fake smile and participated in a delightful dinner gathering at the Japanese restaurant – a dinner in which our Sun Course gathered to celebrate Sandra’s entering of silence.
At one point in the evening, Sandra looked over at me with a glow in her eyes and commented something like “You’re in a whole different world right now, aren’t you,”
We had talked about my struggle earlier, and I was not all that successful in hiding it. I was trying to be social, to be happy, and to be bubbly, but my heart simply wanted to run away to some remote desert island (or was that dessert LOL) – or perhaps to my bed with a pillow over my head.
I don’t mean to say that I didn’t have fun at dinner last night – I loved my bonding experience with my group – I am deeply grateful that I chose to participate – yet I definitely did not connect as I would have had I been more spiritually in tune with my own soul.
During dinner, a huge cloudburst drenched the surrounding area. Yes, the outdoor eating area of the Japanese restaurant is covered, but we were still getting considerable spray from the sides as rain blew through in horizontal splatters. At one point I had deep memories of Tropical Storm Agatha just two months ago – the rain was every bit as intense as the strongest bursts of Agatha – even more so.
The normal path back to the Pyramids from the Japanese restaurant is to walk down onto the muddy soccer field and to then wind around through dark, un-lit narrow, muddy paths through a jungle trail that then joins up with the main paved sidewalk through town. At my suggestion, with thoughts of avoiding the dark muddy water-puddles, our group instead took a different route – a detour up a path that took us first into the center of San Marcos.
As we connected up with the upper part of the main north-south sidewalk, we were quite shocked to find a small rapidly-rushing stream running down the sloped sidewalk. The water was swift and furious, but only about three to four inches deep in most places.
I quickly removed my hiking shoes, opting to go barefoot rather than to soak my only pair of non-flip-flops. As we traversed the unexpected stream back down the hill toward the pyramids, the energy we felt all along the path is that something big was happening further up the valley. One rumor from people along the way indicated that the river had jumped its bank and was forming a different channel. A few of our group even began to worry about whether or not we were safe in the pyramids. Sandra and I, who had both been here during Agatha, assured the others that we would be fine where we were at.
As I arrived back in my little pyramid dwelling last night, I was tired and my mind was over-stimulated by the evening’s unexpected events – both of which were great reasons to not do the writing I had hoped to do, but to instead simply crash on my pillow, still without having given myself a soapbox on which to process and to release my pent-up emotions.
* * * * *
Today (Monday) started out very much as an emotional repeat of yesterday. I began the day as I usually do, with my 7:00 a.m. yoga class. I am very pleased with my gradual progress from having completed two and a half months of yoga training. I can definitely tell that my body is increasingly more flexible, while my muscles are more agile and less shaky. When I began my Moon Course, I had a difficult time even sitting up straight for 30 minutes without my back aching. When I began meditating cross-legged in my Sun Course my hips were totally locked up and my back was killing me with sharp pain – yet I pushed through both experiences. Now, I can sit up straight and cross-legged without any back-pain whatsoever. Yes, my feet still begin to go to sleep after about 20 minutes, but I continue to see gradual improvement every day.
Chaty has been absent from classes for a whole week, and today was her first day back in our 8:30 a.m. class. We had heard that she was suffering from back pain, but today, in a delightful personal sharing session, we found out the true story.
Several times over the last couple of decades, Chaty has had episodes where her back has gone out – forcing her to lay flat in bed for a week or two. Each time this has happened she has been blessed with abundant free time with which to spiritually fly while receiving new channeled messages.
Chaty explained to us that when her back goes out, it is as if the slipped disk in her spine opens up a doorway or a portal to the hidden worlds, allowing her to go deeper into new growth. She told us this morning that she has been receiving instructions regarding a new post-Sun-Course retreat that she will eventually put into practice. When we asked for details, she just smiled and indicated that we will have to wait.
She also asked for our blessing and patience – telling us that she is going to continue her spiritual “spinning” for one more week. She explained that beginning this week we will be learning a new therapy technique involving crystals and small amounts of massage – and that Kathy (a licensed massage therapist and one of the incredible staff here) will be a much better teacher for this week’s lessons.
As I pondered Chaty’s words – words where she expressed a deep recognition of the blessings that come with her back pain – I was inspired with many realizations about my own situations with bugs – bugs biting me on the outside and bugs sucking my nutrition on the inside. It hit me that these are both great blessings, causing me to alter my normal life-style in one way or another – causing me to do things differently than I might normally do – bringing me new growth opportunities which I might miss if I were to go about my future days as usual.
I honestly believe that my parasite medications are making me feel a little loopy and disconnected. And I believe that the effects of this disconnected state are causing me to do some deep emotional soul searching – causing me to reevaluate my continued focus on my mental book-learning binges – causing me to recognize that my soul is crying out for a change of diet – a diet balanced with more rich spiritual/emotional connection and with fewer of those bland mental tidbits. Perhaps if I were not on these parasite medications I would have felt mentally strong enough to continue hitting the books – perhaps missing out on opportunities that will only surface once I shift my focus to the heart space.
But I am getting a little ahead of myself.
After class, and after my late breakfast, I took a walk through San Marcos to survey the storm damage from last night. I half expected to discover a plugged up river channel, overflowing with new boulders pushed down by a large flash flood. Instead, I discovered muddy streets through the center of town. The basketball court in the very center was covered in several inches of gushy mud. The homes above the park which is just above the basketball court were heavily flooded, but seemed to suffer very little structural damage.
As I walked by the river channel, noticing no damage whatsoever, I was feeling puzzled by lack of seeing a source for the water flow. Just as I was turning to walk away, I heard someone calling my name. It was Michelle – a beautiful woman who is the same acupuncturist who led our group experience on Saturday – the same woman who sometimes leads our Sunday meditations at the pyramids. To make a long story short, we had a long and delightful conversation. I learned that a flash flood had come down the mountain, following a different path (not in the river channel), coming down through the center of the upper valley, flooding several of the homes above town. Michelle told me that Sam’s old home – the same one in which I received Reiki training in May – was filled with several inches of mud. Several people in the area near that home had to wade through waste deep water last night to escape the unexpected fury.
But the part of my conversation with Michelle that inspired me was her words regarding her own experiences in the Sun Course – words where she validated my needs to follow my heart and to do it my way. She also gave me some great pointers to help me maintain focus when attempting to astral travel. Overall, I feel as if I was guided to bump into her, and that the conversation was critical in helping to turn around my moods and attitudes.
I soon returned to my room with intentions to just meditate and to reconnect with my heart’s desires. As I began to immerse myself in quiet time, the first prompting that came to me was to pull out my Tarot deck and to do a large pyramid shaped spread, representing my current status in my Sun Course Process.
Wanting some detailed guidance, I opted to pull seven cards for each side of my three-sided pyramid layout – one side representing past, one for present, and one for future. The seven cards for my past were quite powerful – showing that I have moved through great emotional and spiritual growth and closure, reaching a state of powerful love, emotional clarity, forward movement, spiritual connection and shifted perspectives.
The cards for my present and future seemed to make sense, but were slightly confusing as I stared at them. Just at that moment, I heard Sandra’s voice nearby outside my pyramid. A strong prompting flashed into my head, telling me that I should ask her if she would help me to interpret my cards, adding to my own intuitive insights.
Thirty minutes later, I had my wish as Sandra made her way into my room and seated herself on the floor right beside me. I am always amazed when I work with her by how she seems to ignore the traditional rules of interpreting the cards, instead following her own personal intuition in whatever way the cards seem to speak to her – and they seem to be magic at her fingertips.
I was particularly fascinated by the way she helped add clarity to my other cards. With regards to my “present” I had pulled five very positive cards – but also pulled two cards that I at first rejected. One was a card that indicated emotional struggle and the other was a card that indicated mental conflicts that caused me to lose sleep. As I emotionally pushed these cards away, I quickly smiled at myself as I realized that in all actuality I am struggling right now – struggling with my emotional confusion over the mental stuff that I am trying to force into my head.
Sandra added the much needed extra insights as she pointed out that the mental struggle card was stuck right between a powerful card that indicated spiritual light and guidance and another powerful card that indicated deep subconscious connection. She smiled as she pointed out that the mental battles going on inside of me were standing right in the middle of these two great spiritual gifts – preventing me from bringing them both together.
Then, as we examined the next seven cards for the near future in my process, it all made sense. The first card was a powerful, but unwanted card that implied knowledge and authority – mental stuff that I wanted to reject. Sandra helped me put that card and the remaining six in perspective, making all he remaining cards tell an obvious and beautiful story – a story telling me that I had great strength backing me in the intellectual area as I faced the many confusing emotional choices placed before me, but that I would find the spiritual valor and courage to plow through this confusion, finding true Temperance (something that has been coming up for me a lot lately), bringing my mental battles to an end, with great emotional completion.
Another thing I just absolutely loved about this reading is that the top card of the pyramid – along with both cards on either side of the top – were all Queens. In the middle was the Queen that I chose to represent me – the Queen of Pentacles, reigning in the beauty of physical nature with her feet rooted firmly in the soil. Adjacent on the right – the very first card I pulled for the “past”, was the Queen of Cups – representing great clarity and dominion over the emotional world. Adjacent on the left – the very last card I pulled on the cards representing the “future” – was the Queen of Wands – representing great clarity and dominion over the spiritual world – something which I am earnestly seeking. I thought it extremely appropriate, given my lifelong journey with gender, to have three powerful queens sitting right at the top of my reading.
Once Sandra left my pyramid dwelling, I was fully back in the present moment, determined to end this silly internal mental battle raging in my head, and to instead reconnect with my heart – honoring the commitments that I made about my time here in San Marcos. I am not here to please Chaty or anyone else – I am here to follow my own heart – to achieve my own personal internal growth – to connect with meditation in a way that has a proven track record of working for me rather than beating my head against a tree trying to do it someone else’s way. (Attempting to meditate on my breath has again begun causing me great mental resistance.)
Amazingly, as I wiped away the few tears that came up, I felt great clarity in my decision to again be true to my own heart rather than trying to do what I believe someone else wants me to do.
With new-found peace, I walked to lunch and decided to break all the rules. I have been back on a vegetarian diet for a little over two weeks – but I ordered a burger and fries at the only restaurant in all of Central America where I have actually loved the burger and fries. The fries are to-die-for, and I was craving them. As I sat waiting for my order, I had a delightful hour-long chat with Carlos, my now-friend who is the owner of the restaurant. Our conversation always had a spiritual twist, but he initially took it in the direction of discussing the troubles in the world. Listening with a loving smile in my heart, I patiently waited for the right moments to respond. Then, using Carlos’s own previously-made spiritual comments, I gradually brought peace and closure to the discussion.
I discussed with him about my experiences with the Olmec Shaman who held me in his arms and told me “Brenda, there is a big difference between pain and suffering.” I then applied this concept to the state of the world condition, reminding him that he himself had said something similar – that the situation in the U.S. today is causing many people to reevaluate their lives and to focus more on a spiritual path toward enlightenment. I reminded him that yes, the world seems to be a mess, but suffering about that state is a choice that we get to choose. I was quite proud of myself for the way I flowed in this conversation. Lately, I have been having a lot of fun with these lunchtime conversations with Carlos.
As I finish my writing on this beautiful Monday evening in San Marcos, I am once again at the top of my spiritual roller coaster ride. I know that there will be many more exciting ups, downs, and sharp turns in my thrilling roller coaster ride of life – and I am determined to experience each of these with an attitude of love and joy.
Tuesday, August 3 – 7:50 p.m.
Last night as I tried to go to sleep, my heart was racing as I recognized all the familiar physical signs of a panic attack. What is strange is that while my body was showing signs of panic, my mind was rooted in deep peace. For several hours I simply observed my body while pondering about my recent session with the Chocolate Shaman – focusing on the energy events going on inside my mind. I repeatedly imagined myself lovingly coaxing my scared physical body to surrender and to trust. My intuition told me that ego was throwing a fearful temper tantrum. Ego’s grip is constantly slipping away, and it probably feels quite frightened as I plow forward in an attempt to make it no longer relevant.
I never did figure out what the subconscious issue causing the physical panic might have been, and around midnight I succumbed to a mental need for sleep. After taking a light sleeping pill to calm my body, I was soon off to unconscious dreamland. The amazing thing about last night’s roller coaster ride is that even with the rapid heart beat and churning stomach, I never left a peaceful emotional state – not once.
This morning, in our 30 minute meditation before class, I achieved a deep spiritual connection. Rather than simply focusing on my breath, I instead focused my entire time on the unconditional love and gratitude that I feel in my heart for family and incredible friends. One by one, I pictured the faces of my loved ones, feeling their energy, connecting with their hearts, focusing on powerful loving memories.
During the last five minutes, joy-filled tears of gratitude streamed down my cheeks. I once again found my meditation groove. I powerfully realized this morning that the reason my meditations have been dry and sterile as of late is that I was doing the meditation from a mental perspective. I had been focusing on my breath using the left brain logical mind to do it. This morning, my soul powerfully reminded me that the secret to spiritual connection is through the heart and the right-brain consciousness. After this morning’s breakthrough, I plan to again try focusing on the breath, but doing it from a deep loving perspective rather than from a logical perspective.
I don’t know why this lesson has been so hard to learn. I have internalized it many times in the past, but every time I have gradually slipped back into the mental traps. Hopefully I will remember my insights for a little longer during this spiritual growth cycle.
* * * * *
I continue to get occasional free allergy shots, but I am starting to recognize that they seem to be happening sometime during the day rather than under my sheets at night. This evening, as I took a visual inventory of my red itchy blotches, I also realized that the vast majority of the bytes are on my right side – right arm, right leg, right side of the chest, etc… Hmmm, I wonder what that means. Sounds like a question for meditation. I wonder if all of these bites are somehow related to my left-brained mental battle – relating to the ride side of my body.
At this point, I am still hoping to resolve the matter from a spiritual perspective, but am getting very close to making some physical adaptations – perhaps buying some bug killing spray, for sure sending all of my clothing to the local laundry so they can be run through a wash and a hot dryer (to hopefully kill any hiding bugs).
* * * * *
Another issue that has been causing me mental battles as of late is that of mold and a general mustiness in my room. All put together, the frequent heavy rains, combined with the darkness of the rooms and the unpainted wooden walls all contribute to creating a great environment for the odiferous little spores to flourish. Mine were a light powdery-white colored variety. For weeks I have been simply ignoring the growing situation, considering it inevitable and unavoidable. But during the last few days I have also begun to realize I need to do something about it rather than simply practice Temperance.
I planned to just buy some chlorine bleach spray or something similar to spray on the walls, but yesterday I felt prompted to briefly ask Irma at the front office for advice on what I should do.
“I will come over tomorrow at 2:00 p.m. to wash and disinfect your walls” Irma had told me.
Instinctively, a deep feeling inside told me to not get too attached to the timing of it all, but the logical part of me – the blessing and the curse – blocked out my entire afternoon, even postponing lunch so as to be in or around my room at 2:00 in the afternoon.
* * * * *
In the meantime, I returned a couple of books to the pyramids library and asked for recommendations of something more delightful to read than all the heavy stuff that I have been reading as of late.
The librarian, Tom, acted surprised by my desire to deviate from our standard course material, to which I replied “I am done reading that stuff. I need to find something to focus on that will make my heart sing.”
I walked away with two books that came highly recommended. The first is a delightful little book called “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers” by Debbie Ford. The second is “The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying.” The first was calling to me, even though I had already listened to it on audio tape about six years ago.
I was amazed as I began rapidly speed-reading through the early sections of the book. The book pretty much teaches exactly what I believe about everything being an “Inside Job” projected outward – with the world we see being a mirror of our own inner states. The refreshing thing is that the book does it from an entirely different perspective that immediately began causing me to do some deep thinking.
Little jabs began hitting me left and right, pointing out areas where I still project my personal issues in some very strong ways. The one that came to mind in the most powerful awareness today is an issue I have been dealing with for 13 months now – the fact that nearly everyone (the local and indigenous people) in Mexico and Central America seems to snub their nose at appointments and schedules, showing up when they feel so inclined to do so, and not a second before.
As I was reading the book and thinking about this issue, my inner resentments were building as I witnessed Irma and Maria walk out to an outdoor table at 2:05 p.m., carrying their lunches. They sat there eating and visiting for over thirty minutes without showing the slightest concern for my time – for the fact that I was waiting for them.
On the outside I was being very patient and loving. On the inside I was struggling to push down the negative energy and judgments.
“How dare she make me waste my afternoon when I could be doing so many other things other than to wait around for her!” My ego pompously pounded its chest in the depths of my inner thoughts.
In the meantime, I simply observed my bizarre emotions and judgmental feelings. I began to ponder what Debbie Ford was telling me in the book – stuff I already know but apparently don’t fully practice – telling me that if I feel emotionally charged up about an issue it is because I struggle with that issue myself.
“I don’t make commitments to other people and then stand them up.” I told myself again with a denying smug attitude.
Then, after a few more minutes of pondering and continued self-introspection, I hit upon the truth … “But I do make commitments to myself and then stand myself up … and oh, how I long for the personal permission to not take my own life in such a structured, scheduled, perfectionistic way … to simply blow off and postpone an appointment because my heart wants to do something else.”
In fact, the whole mental battle I have faced this week is highly related to the idea of keeping commitments that I have with others (the Sun Course), while not keeping the commitment I have with myself – a commitment to be true to inner promptings telling me to do things my way.
To make a long story short, at 2:40 p.m., I bit my tongue, lovingly walked over to interrupt Irma at her outdoor lunch, and politely told her that I would be glad to clean the mold myself if she could just loan me the supplies and show me what I need to do etc… and then I mentioned that first, I wanted to go get some lunch because I as starving.
She lovingly smiled and responded “That would be fine … yes, go get some lunch … we will wait for you.”
I felt really proud of myself as I walked away and had a burger and fries for the second day in a row. Meanwhile, I continued to read my new book-of-the-day, continuing to process my emotions even further.
By the time I returned to the pyramids at 3:30 p.m., I was centered in a place of deep love. I approached Irma, expecting her to give me some rags and antiseptic solution of some sort – but five minutes later she was over in my room, insisting that she do it herself. As she worked on the first half of my room, she told me that she would just clean half today and finish tomorrow.
“Can I just borrow the stuff and finish it myself?” I asked her, telling her that tomorrow I want to go to Panajachel, and I really don’t wan to sleep two more nights with the mold.
Bless her heart, she finished it all during the next 30 minutes, still not letting me do it myself. In the meantime we had a great conversation, getting to know each other a little better.
As I look back on the whole situation, I realize that I still have a huge number of emotional hang-ups with which I am dealing – issues that I have carried around in my backpack for so many years that they seem normal to me. I am very grateful for the lessons in love and patience that I learned today – and for the lessons I learned in not projecting my personal issues onto others.
Thursday, August 5 – 4:30 p.m.
One thing that happened on Tuesday – something I forgot to previously mention – is that my friend Katie (from the Sun Course) mentioned to me that she was going to go see Keith (the Chocolate Shaman) for a private session on Thursday morning at 11:00 a.m..
As She told me this, I indicated that I have felt a strong prompting that I need to walk over to his home to make an appointment for myself to go again – something deep inside of me was yearning to be discovered, and I had no clue just what it might be.
Katie suggested that I could walk over with her on Thursday morning to show her how to locate Keith’s home – and that I could make the appointment at that time. This scenario literally felt right and I replied “absolutely,” adding that we ought to do breakfast together first.
“That will give me something to look forward to.” Katie responded with a beautiful smile.
* * * * *
Yesterday, Wednesday morning after a very long-but-beautiful class session, I made my periodic obligatory half-day boat trip to Panajachel to get enough cash and supplies to last me through my 40 days of silence that begins next Wednesday. I was amazed as I walked down to the boat docks here in San Marcos. With all of the rain that we had in the previous three weeks (since my last trip to the docks and Panajachel) the water level had risen at least another three to four feet.
I’m not including photos here, but if you go back to look at my old post-tropical storm Agatha photos with a group of people standing on a dock that was just about one foot above water – well that dock and the one that is a couple of feet higher leading out to it are both under a heavy layer of water that is at least two feet above the higher dock. The new covered dock which was even higher, and not yet in use at the time, is now about one or two inches above the water line. The slightest waves in the lake wash up over the top. I just giggled and rolled up my pants while walking out to climb into my boat.
A similar situation exists all over the lake, as most boat docks are completely under water. In the main public boat stops, the docks have all been modified in some way in order to make it possible to reach the incoming and outgoing boats. In Panajachel, to get two and from the public boat dock, I had to walk across a two feet pile of sandbags in order to even reach the temporary make-shift dock.
* * * * *
Last night, after an exhausting day-trip, I went to meditation feeling quite drained, but determined to have a better experience filled with loving emotions and energy.
During the guided-imagery part of meditation, I “broke the rules” by completely ignoring what Kathy was saying as she guided us on dealing with past emotional issues – nothing was coming up for me and I had other things to do. I silently asked the many spiritual guides who hang out in the pyramid temple if they could help me find some new insights.
The first that came was that it is very important to visualize and work with the Kabalistic Tree of Life as it relates to the physical body (microcosm) – exactly as I had begun to do during our previous five days of silence. Interestingly enough, Chaty has set aside two weeks of our Sun Course time (beginning this week) to learn a therapy technique involving the Tree of Life, relaxing massage, crystals, aura cleansing, etc… My insight during meditation told me to pay close attention to what we learn during these two weeks.
The other flash of unexpected awareness was something that put the last piece in a puzzle for me – I have struggled with the concept of Lucid Dreaming versus Astral Travel, and with the confidence about whether or not I am capable of actually doing the Astral Travel part. Yes, I had my first powerful Lucid Dream last week, but it seemed to happen only when it wanted to, and I still don’t know what I am doing. Suddenly, it hit me as I lay on my mat in the darkened temple – Astral Traveling and Lucid Dreaming are exactly the same thing – both take you out in the Astral realm – the only difference is in how you get there. I had heard Chaty and Sandra both say similar things, but it had never registered until the simple thought entered my mind “Astral traveling is simply entering the dream state without losing your conscious awareness in the process” while “Lucid Dreaming is regaining your consciousness while already in the dream state.”
* * * * *
I felt quite energized after meditation, and headed out to my favorite tree in the garden to share some energy – a beautiful (to me anyway) tree with which I seem to be developing an intimate relationship (on a spiritual level). As I stood in the same spot where I stand almost every evening, I suddenly felt ants biting into my bare feet. When I looked down, at least thirty or forty of the tiny little black large-toothed creatures were climbing up onto my feet all at once, with many of them already curled up, biting me tightly.
“Ouch” I exclaimed as I quickly jumped up and down, knocking them off my feet, and then ran to a spot about ten feet away to survey the damage. Immediately, a new group of the feisty little critters began to climb up and munch on my feet, again beginning to bite quite viciously.
Dancing around for a second time to clear my feet of the painful predators, I ran to a third spot, another ten feet away. Again, I was immediately swarmed by yet another hoard of six-legged invaders, planting their teeth into my feet. Over the next twenty seconds or so I danced my way out of the medicinal garden, utterly surprised by the ferocity of the little ants in places where I had never before encountered them.
I followed a prompting which said “just leave the garden tonight – do something different for a change.”
As I walked up the path toward my pyramid, I bumped into Katie. Her first words were to tell me that normally she doesn’t normally go out to dinner after meditation, but for some reason she is starving tonight. Within about ten seconds of back and forth conversation, we both responded to mutual promptings, and agreed to go out for a soup together.
In the back of my mind I suddenly realized “This is all a synchronous setup … Tonight’s conversation needs to take place, and the ants were sent to drive me out of the garden just in time to meet up with Katie.” I have given up trying to explain such incidents with rational thought – there is no doubt in my mind that Spirit set up this dinner. She later told me that she had thought of me just moments before I showed up in her path.
Katie and I had a delightful two-hour talk – connecting at a very deep spiritual level. I explained to her about my evening meditation insights, following which she and I just intuitively bounced flashes of insight off each other, back and forth, sharing how our mental-struggle journeys of the past week are so similar, and how our discussion tonight was triggering so much amazing growth in each of us.
I feel such a deepening bond with my new friend Katie – a 29 year old way beyond her years – a beautiful young woman who is going to make a huge difference in the world around her.
* * * * *
This morning (Thursday), after our 8:30 a.m. class, Katie and I scurried over to enjoy a quick breakfast before arriving at Keith’s (Chocolate Shaman) about 15 minutes late. We both intuitively knew that “late” would be OK. I immediately told Keith that I had come to accompany Katie with the intent to schedule another appointment for myself. After hem hawing around about how busy that he and Barbara will be over the next few days – telling me that she is flying back to the U.S. next week – Keith finally blurted out: “How about today at 1:30 p.m.?”
I just smiled inside, having already felt a very strong feeling that my appointment would be today. In fact, I had already put my extra money in my bag, just in case I did not have time to go back to my room first. In the meantime, while Katie was in her own two-and-a-half hour session, I scurried around running several quick errands – changing sheets, dropping off laundry, and trying to catch a one-hour nap (I didn’t sleep much last night because I tried really hard to stay conscious while falling into a dream state – the only thing that happened is that I was quite awake until the wee morning hours … LOL)
* * * * *
As my own appointment started just after 1:30 p.m., I had no clue where it would lead. I explained to Keith that just like our last appointment, I had no idea why I was there – I was simply following a strong prompting and would love to go deeper into my energy experiences.
“Wow, I can tell you came being extremely ready to work.” Keith told me with a look of surprise in his eyes as he told me that he could feel that my internal energy was raring to get started.
“What are you feeling right now?” Keith asked me, as he explained that he was being guided to make me figure out my own feelings before he chimed in to add additional insight.
“I feel a feeling of incredible warmth completely surrounding me.” I replied as I literally felt an excited but peaceful energy vibration hugging me from all sides.
“Exactly,” Keith replied with enthusiasm, “and the name of that energy is Love.”
I already knew that – and I gladly responded to Keith’s encouragement to simply immerse myself in the feeling of that incredible loving energy as it embraced me. After a few minutes, I felt as if the energy mysteriously disappeared, vanishing unexpectedly.
“I feel like when I get so close, I suddenly hit a wall, and get stuck.” I told Keith with a questioning tone. “I have many incredible experiences and then feel that I can go no further.”
We discussed the wall, how it is a normal protection, created by my own higher self to protect me from getting “sunburned” by the light on the other side. Keith explained that we can only tolerate so much increased spiritual light at any one time, and that we need to be patient with the way the energies work with our healing and growth.
Then Keith guided me through a short meditation where we began to play with the wall. He told me to walk right up to the wall and to open up a window to the other side. As I did so, I could feel, and partially see, a brilliant white light pouring in from the other side.
While doing so, I felt a certain amount of peace, but still felt quite stuck. Keith asked me what I thought the wall might represent. After thinking for a while, I responded that it was my attitudes of needing to be perfect, judging myself for my inabilities to go further, plus a fear of what it might mean if I succeed in moving further into the light.
When I said “need to be perfect” in my spirituality, Keith responded “Exactly.” Then he explained something which I already know, and which I just recently read about last week as I re-read the Kybalion. There is a rhythm in the universe. It is like the waves of the ocean. In between every high wave is a low spot. It is perfectly normal to advance in spiritual waves with low spots in between the growth spurts. Then Keith told me something that tickled my inner fancy – the most amazing space to be in is when the waves die down to an inner peace and you can literally enjoy the constant ripples running through your soul – no incredible highs followed by corresponding lows – just constant incoming energizing ripples. I consider this great fodder for future meditation.
As I continued to feel stuck, and as we discussed “taking my spiritual path too seriously”, I mentioned to Keith that this is the same insight that I have repeatedly been aware of for several years – yet I continue to slip into “serious” mode where I feel as if I must work, work, work, at doing my spiritual path the way it must be done in order to get where I need to go.
Immediately our discussion shifted to a discussion regarding the origins of this interesting belief system – my Mormon roots, the incredible example of continuous work ethic given to me by my father, etc…
Then we talked about my deepest desire – that desire being to learn to love unconditionally and to eliminate all judgment in my life.
In a very beautiful and subtle way, Keith lovingly pointed out that I was still judging myself when I caught myself judging others … a very interesting paradox. I knew he was dead on.
Then Keith told me he was going to help me dig deeper, to discover other possible sources of this forceful internal drive to achieve – a drive that often gets in the way of my attempts to simply chill and to be present in the continuous moment.
In another guided meditation, Keith asked me to visualize a basket in front of me, sitting in my lap.
“Tell me what is inside the basket.” Keith requested politely.
I hesitated, feeling slightly embarrassed, as I finally told him that the only thing that I could definitely feel, and partially see, in the basket was a “whoopee cushion.” I have never liked whoopee cushions, and have felt as if they are bizarre and crude attempt at meaningless humor. We all had a laugh and giggle as I realized that I was being told, yet again, to not take my path so seriously – using the metaphor of a humorous object that the serious side of me does not find to be funny.
Keith continued prodding, implying that there was something else hidden in my basket – but I simply could not see nor imagine anything else inside.
I continued to try to see something else, but nothing came to me other than the feeling that I was wrapped in chains that were binding me and holding me from achieving my goal. Finally, I found the courage to simply tell Keith that I see nothing, but feel as if I am wrapped up in chains.
“Perfect.” Keith responded. “That is exactly what I was looking for.
“I believe you may have made some type of binding magical contract in a distant past life,” Keith added, “… an agreement that you would work, work, work at spirituality, doing whatever it takes – not only in that lifetime but in all future lifetimes, ending only when you finally achieve enlightenment.”
Then Keith began to get more specific, asking if I could see any type of contract, perhaps a sheet of paper or a scroll, or something like that.
As I tried to again visualize in the basket, I remembered that in an earlier guided meditation, Keith asked me to visualize a past life where I might have been part of some cloistered and secluded group – perhaps a monastery setting, perhaps something else. I felt a strong intuitive sense that I had once belonged to a very secret and devoted group of what felt like some type of monks.
When I told him I still couldn’t see anything else, Keith asked me to again look into the basket. Finally, I told him the only thing I could perceptually sense, but not see, was the edge of what felt like a flat piece of paper in the bottom of the basket. By now, I could definitely feel it there, but could see nothing.
“What is written on the paper?” Keith queried intently.
“I can’t see the face of the paper,” I replied feeling quite silly, “all I can do is to intuitively feel the presence of its edge.”
“Climb up on top of the paper. Do whatever you have to do to see the top.” Keith kept coaching me.
With all of my mental focus, I imagined myself rising above the basket looking down inside. Seconds later, I could actually partially see the top part of the paper where words should be – but in their place were just squiggly lines – little up and down zigzagging lines running between the sides of the paper – looking nothing like words.
“That is great,” Keith continued coaching, “you probably wouldn’t be able to read the words anyway. Now what else do you see?”
As I again focused in my meditation, I finally caught a glimpse – a faint visual image accompanied by confirming feelings, of what definitely felt like my signature – only the handwriting and name were not my name in this lifetime.
“Perfect,” Keith congratulated me. “Now, what color are the words? What are the words written with?”
I struggled to find the answer. I sensed that the words were written in something black – perhaps they had been a different color, but age had turned them black. I simply could not tell and nothing intuitive was coming to me. I continued to focus and focus, still not finding the answer. Finally I answered Keith with a sense of confusion, telling him what I was presently feeling.
“I cannot see any more detail,” I began, “but I am getting the sensation that this agreement was some type of blood oath.”
“Wonderful,” Keith responded. “That is exactly what I was looking for.” He proceeded to tell me that the agreement was indeed a magical blood oath, written in my own blood at some ancient time when I was a member of this secret magical group.
The thought that the agreement might be written in blood had not even crossed my mind. I have no idea where the term “blood oath” came from, other than the recognition that the phrase popped into my intuition and I hesitantly said it out loud.
Keith explained that the magical order I belonged to in some distant past life was a group of devoted people who performed some type of binding magical ceremony where each participant made similar agreements regarding their future lives. I felt deeply that my agreement was that I would continue work-work-working and do-do-doing the spiritual work through every lifetime until I finally achieved enlightenment. He explained that this is where I get my powerful determination and force, accompanied by the self-judgment and guilt that comes with it – guilt that seems to surface whenever I am not “achieving” and surfing on top of the highest waves.
“Now we just have to figure out how to help you break the chains of this binding agreement.” Keith again spoke, explaining that somehow, the magical power put into the agreement in that past life had literally chained me to that agreement throughout every subsequent lifetime – and he indicated that now I had reached a point in my evolution where it is time for me to be free of that commitment and to learn more fully how to simply experience “being” without the pressure of “doing”.
As he said these words, as much as my logical brain wanted to exclaim “No! That is so stupid and silly,” my heart confirmed that he was exactly right. I have never known from where my intense drive for perfection comes. This drive is deeply engrained in my soul – and is part of the main reason why I am still frequently so hard on myself – and why I continue to get so many forgiveness lessons relating to other people not being on time, not following through on time-related commitments (my lessons from earlier this week with Irma).
After going silent and inward for a while, Keith again spoke, announcing that he was being prompted to help me destroy the contract in a very interesting and funny way – a way he had resisted his guides in coaching me to do – but he finally decided to flow with his intuition.
What he subsequently told me did not seem the least bit funny or unusual. He told me that I needed to return to my protective wall and open up the window once again. At that point I would then ask the highest part of my higher self to assist me.
Keith then instructed me to acknowledge to my higher self that I built this wall up to protect myself from being burned by the light – but that now I want the light’s assistance in burning up and destroying the magical spiritual contract that is no longer serving me.
“Hold the contract up to the window.” Keith continued. “Place it into the light so that the brilliance on the other side can burn it up, releasing the chains that bind you.”
For what must have been at least 20 or 30 minutes, Keith and I remained totally silent while I engaged in an inner skirmish that gradually grew in intensity. I did what Keith instructed and put my intentions out to my higher self, asking that the agreement be consumed by the light. As I did so, I imagined my “A Course In Miracles” beliefs that emphasize so strongly that “we don’t heal the darkness by bringing the light to it … we heal the darkness by bringing it into the light” – a very subtle difference, but it made so much sense to me now.
As I continued visualizing myself holding the piece of parchment up to the window, I felt as if the paper would not burn. It was hanging on, physically bound and stuck to me. I sensed its binding energy refusing to let me out of a binding blood-oath agreement. A strong feeling dictated to me, in no uncertain terms, that if I broke that agreement I would be dishonoring my spiritual integrity.
I grappled with the feelings, wrestling with the back and forth emotions of knowing that it was time to be free of that “work, work, work” guilt. Again, my “A Course In Miracles” beliefs surfaced – this time reminding me of the phrase “I need DO nothing” – reminding me that enlightenment is not about accomplishments, it is about waking up from the dream of life, simply being my true divine self (as we all are).
By now, I knew deeply in my heart that today is the time to be free of the chains that I could literally feel wrapped around me in a powerful energetic way. Finally, with continued meditation, I felt as if the chains were stretching and expanding, loosening their grip – but they still hung on like super glue. I tried to imagine myself cutting the cord with this agreement, but it was sticking to me, refusing to fall away and burn.
Finally, a powerful insight filtered into my awareness – an insight filled with the upmost peace and integrity. The insight was this:
“In order to keep this agreement with myself, I need to destroy this agreement with myself. By destroying this agreement in this lifetime, I am actually honoring my former commitment to myself in doing whatever it takes to reach enlightenment. The time is now to learn how to simply BE.”
As these insights flashed through my awareness, I experienced a powerful peace flood my soul – yet the contract would still not burn up or let go of me. With every ounce of energy that I could muster, I silently focused, silently repeating the words over and over with intense internal emotion. “I need to break this agreement in order to fulfill this agreement … I need to break this agreement in order to fulfill this agreement.”
I must have repeated these words in my mind for at least five minutes, embracing them with loving and powerful emotion. All the while, I realized that by breaking this agreement, I was showing incredible integrity to myself. In many ways, the experience reminded me of what I went through just last month as I grappled with ending support payments related to my former marriage.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, right in the middle of my near breakthrough – Keith jumped in with a comment. I cannot remember exactly what he said; perhaps it was something like “Yes, now you’re getting it.” But what I do powerfully remember is the tone of voice with which he said it. Keith’s voice was breaking up with deep emotion – almost in tears – as he said those unremembered words.
As I heard his voice, and then responded with increased internal intensity, I too was overcome with the emotion as tears began to stream down my cheeks. I felt an incredible and powerful clarity of energy forming inside of me. There was no doubt in my mind that this agreement was indeed real, and that I was finally breaking through the final stages of freeing myself from its clutches.
Finally, my intense emotion ended and a sense of calm accomplishment settled into my soul. A slight headache persisted in my forehead – a headache that had been following me all day as a result of very little sleep last night (I had spent many hours in an unsuccessful attempt at astral travel). But, ignoring the headache, I felt as if my soul were hundreds of pounds lighter. The feeling of chains around me was gone. I knew that I was free of the agreement.
Seeking for confirmation, I opened my eyes, tears still dripping down my cheeks, and looked over at Keith, who was just now recovering from his own emotions.
“Am I done?” I asked, hoping to hear a positive answer.
He replied that I would still be dealing with temptations to judge myself, but that yes, indeed, the agreement was gone. I had been successful in an amazing inner journey that he felt privileged to have been a part of.
Later, as Keith, Barbara, and I discussed what had taken place, he explained that at the moment his voice broke with emotion, he was sensing the incredible presence of countless beings from many other dimensions, all being simultaneously healed by my internal actions. Keith added that he sensed an incredible spiritual support system surrounding me throughout the process.
Now, just over five hours after this experience ended, I am still literally blown away by the powerful events. I have asked myself several times if these events were real, or if they were all silly imagination in my right brain. The realization I have come to is that the answer does not matter. I genuinely believe that it was real – but even if it was simply my imagination, I could not have orchestrated a more powerful healing experience.
I feel so much lighter – so much freer – so much closer to my soul. I feel as if the waves in my ocean will now begin to calm, bringing me ever nearer to that blissful state of peaceful waters with continuous gentle energy ripples.
* * * * *
I have to laugh at myself as I reminisce about last night’s “ant-bite synchronicities” that joined me up with Katie for dinner.
Tonight, as I returned to my room after my mind-boggling session with Keith, I thought to myself that I would love to simply spend my evening writing. I really wanted to meditate on this powerful experience during our group meditation in the temple – but I desired even more so to write about the amazing events while the memories are still so strong and vivid.
But then another part of me – the genuine, but perfectionist and rule-following part – said “But I don’t want to miss meditation tonight.”
Immediately slipping into compliance mode, I prepared to change into my comfortable meditation clothes, giving in to that “I’m supposed to be in meditation” voice.
Then, as fate would have it, I suddenly realized that all my clothes – except the ones I am presently wearing – were still in the laundry, and they would not be ready till after 5:00 p.m.. I had already told the woman doing my laundry that I would just pick them up at 6:30 after my evening meditation was over.
I simply giggled as I realized that all of my comfortable loose-fitting meditation clothing is about a quarter mile away, still spinning around inside of a hot clothes dryer. It became obvious that I would not be meditating tonight unless I wanted to do so in tight, uncomfortable, restricting jeans.
I love it when the little synchronous events of the Universe set me up for success … a success that tonight involves NOT going to meditation group, and instead writing about the incredible experiences of the past two days. I cannot imagine a more powerful way to have spent the last five hours.
Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved