Brenda's Bicycles

 
(This is the ninth installment of a series of posts describing my experiences in San Marcos, Guatemala from November 7^th up to the present time. Subsequent posts will follow very soon.)

Today’s story begins in Tikal, where a series of bizarre synchronicities guided me into an amazing roller-coaster-ride to the moon – a midnight full-moon fantasy in the midst of towering ancient Mayan temples, surrounded by the moonlit canopy of monkey-filled jungles. That life-changing journey, and the emotionally charged minefield of growth explosions that followed, are fully documented in my writings of early April, 2010.

As I explored the gut-wrenching emotions of those experiences in Tikal, an unexpected and extremely vivid dream guided me into deep meditation – meditation that whispered in a very loud voice “Brenda, it is time for you to open your heart to the possibilities of a relationship.”

My heart cringed with terror as I considered the fearful chore that the Universe seemed to be placing in front of me.

Throughout the summer months, my heart and eyes were ever opening as I began to develop several amazing connections with divine beings of the male gender. The growth began with Stephen – an amazing man from Australia. As synchronicity would have it, Stephen, whom I still consider to be a dear friend, became the catalyst for my endearing connection with Sandra – he just “happened to be” the father of Sandra’s best friend. I felt so relieved when my connection with Stephen soon revealed itself to be a safe and unconditionally-loving friendship – nothing more.

During the growth-filled summer, I continued to keep my heart open – wondering just what unexpected twists the Universe might have in store for me.

“Am I supposed to meet a man and fall in love?” I pondered to myself, “Or am I simply being guided into a process of spiritual surrender – of opening my vulnerability to deepening love – of tearing down relationship walls that imprison my heart – walls that were built during a period of deep heartache nearly ten years ago?”

During those summer months, my ever-opening heart connected me with several other men. Among others, there were people like Robert, an amazing traveler who asked to sit and enjoy oatmeal with me at the Blue Lily cafe, a man with whom I took pleasure in several hours of deep spiritually-intimate and life-sharing conversation on two different occasions. Then along came Dr. Bill, an intriguing medical gift to many indigenous Mayans living deep in the jungles of Guatemala. With each heart-opening encounter, I again felt profound relief when the relationships revealed themselves to be of the non-romantic variety.

And then, of course, along came my amazing growth-filled friendship with Keith. After only a few sessions of sharing mystical heart magic with my favorite Chocolate Shaman, I began to feel a deep and genuine spiritually-intimate connection. Again, my heart asked the puzzling question, “What is the nature of our beautiful friendship? Is this heart-connection leading me into the fearful realm of romantic entanglement?”

As had happened many times before, I peacefully knew that the answer was simply, “It does not matter … my only role in the process is to be real, genuine, vulnerable, and present … nothing more.” With the Universe as my guide, a feeling of complete trust peacefully reassured me that I could simply lean back in my seat and enjoy the powerful ride.

Warnings from Merrill

Returning to visit Merrill after my Sun Course seemed about as likely as wanting to go for a casual swim in a swamp filled with hungry crocodiles. My crystal-healing experience in May had left me believing that Merrill was extremely gifted with deep psychic intuitions – but my own internal voices carefully advised me to pass everything that Merrill tells me through the filter of my own heart-knowing. My intuitions screamed loud and clear that while the core of Merrill’s psychic words are usually uncannily accurate, she has a tendency to interpret and to present her psychic intuitions through lenses that are slightly discolored by her own emotional issues.

Imagine my utter surprise when strong internal guidance pushed me back into this gifted crystal lady’s treatment room. Even greater was my surprise at hearing the first words that came out of Merrill’s mouth as I rested on her crystal table for only the second time.

“Brenda,” Merrill blurted out, “After you came in last week to schedule your appointment, I have been meditating frequently about you, seeking guidance regarding today’s session.”

Merrill had my attention.

“Each time that I go into meditation,” Merrill continued speaking with confidence, “I almost immediately see you with Keith.”

Now Merrill had my complete and undivided attention.

“I need to powerfully warn you,” Merrill admonished me, “that a relationship with Keith would not be a good thing for you. It would detract you from your own important life mission. Don’t do it!”

As I later pondered Merrill’s completely unexpected words, deep internal peace reassured me that Merrill was quite accurate in her insights – but that she had once again interpreted her psychic vision through a slightly distorted worldview.

My heart beamed with clarity regarding the fact that I was indeed in a relationship with Keith – an incredible healing relationship that is nothing more than an unconditionally-loving friendship between two divine beings.

Yes, I had slightly entertained thoughts about what it might be like to be in a romantic pursuit with someone like Keith, but my own internal guidance was also very strong, reminding me that my own passionate healing journey is far too important – that my personal inspired path could never be sacrificed for any reason. Romantic entanglements – while growth-filled in and of themselves – might severely hamper my ability to continue forward in my own unique journey.

“No,” I reassured myself, “I will not take such a risk unless guided by strong internal intuitions.”

Later, when I casually mentioned Merrill’s prophetic words to Sandra, I was surprised by her response.

“Brenda,” Sandra lovingly replied. “I have picked up on the same energy. I see the bond that you have with Keith, and I think that the two of you would be an amazing couple.”

Yes, I have to admit, that in the back of my mind Merrill’s words had triggered deeply curious thoughts – curiosities about settling down, of being held and cuddled, of being physically loved, of being someone’s soul mate. The idea sounded so inviting, so safe and secure. Yet I remained quite firm in the profound knowing that my relationship with Keith is not of the romantic variety.

But in my heart I still pondered a deep question: “I wonder if a relationship with a man like Keith could possibly be somewhere down my inspired yellow-brick road?”

Questions of Motive

It is Wednesday, December 1 – the very same day that dear Sharonski is moving her belongings into my spare bedroom.

“Brenda,” Keith asks me, “I am going on a day-trip to buy cacao beans this Saturday. I was wondering if you would like to come along for the ride?”

“Absolutely!” I eagerly respond without needing even a moment to think. “I would love the opportunity to tag along. It sounds fascinating.”

“Is there anything I need to bring?” I ask with curiosity – not fully sure where we are going.

“Just bring lots of drinking water, your swimsuit, and a towel.” Keith responds matter-of-factly, adding, “I always like to stop at the hot springs near Xela on my way home from buying cacao.

As I share my upcoming plans with Sharon, I am caught off guard by her teasing comment.

“Oh,” Sharon giggles while talking in the third person. “Brenda is going on a date.”

In the conversation that unfolds, I learn from Sharon that she and a couple of others have engaged in casual speculation, wondering if Keith and I were either in a relationship, or if such a relationship was about to happen.

Again, I lovingly reassure Sharon that my relationship with Keith is an amazing and unconditionally loving friendship – nothing more. Sharon seems satisfied by my firm well-thought-out response – but I have to honestly admit that I am beginning to wonder if I believe my own words.

“If Keith were to show romantic interest in me,” I question myself silently, “what would I do? … How would I respond? … Would I feel the same way?”

I have to admit that if Keith were to outwardly express such interest, that I would indeed be deeply tempted to explore just where the possibilities might lead.

Change of Plans

Friday night, while Sharon is out to dinner celebrating Holly’s birthday, I go to bed early and am sleeping like an exhausted baby. At around 10:30 p.m., I barely hear loud banging on my door. The ear plugs I am wearing do their job almost too well.

‘Brenda,” Keith apologizes, “I am so sorry for waking you up, but I wanted to come over tonight so that you can sleep in early tomorrow morning. I can’t go tomorrow. I completely forgot that I had scheduled a conflicting appointment, and I don’t want you to be out on the road waiting for me at 6:00 a.m..”

I am indeed very grateful for the opportunity to get more rest. My cough and cold are beginning to consume me, right along with the inner-child exhaustion.

“I plan on going to buy cacao beans on Tuesday instead.” Keith continues, “Would that still work for you?”

Quite soon, I am back in dreamland – but a good night of rest is not in the Universe’s plans. I am smack-dab in the middle of a very exhausting week – a journey in which I am getting to know my little three-year-old inner child. That spunky little Sharon is about to wake me again up to give me a piece of her mind. Regardless of my own needs and desires, I am destined to stare at the ceiling for half of the night while being lectured and humbled by a divine little angel.

The Adventure Begins

It is 5:15 a.m. on Tuesday morning, December 7. Sharon will most likely depart sometime today on her own journey, so she has asked me to wake her up early. Over fresh-squeezed lemon tea and oatmeal, the two of us share a delightful conversation – a discussion that might be our last together in San Marcos. Sharonski and I have reached a deep place of healing. Loving emotion overflows as we exchange our final hugs.

I simply giggle and ignore the fact that my left front tooth just fell off a few minutes earlier while flossing. This is the same crown that slipped off of my titanium implant prior to leaving Cozumel just over a year ago. I carefully push the tooth back into place, smile at the timing, and wonder what, if any, synchronous message the loose tooth may be bringing.

At ten minutes to six I joyfully stroll up a dimly-lit cobblestone path. Two minutes later I climb up onto an old rock wall in the center of San Marcos, eagerly waiting for Keith to drive by. Just fifty feet away, a group of young men engage in a rough-and-tumble basketball scrimmage – enjoying their noisy pre-sunrise exercise in the small-town sports arena.

Five minutes later two headlights approach. In just seconds I am sitting shotgun in an old Toyota pickup truck. I am quite shocked to learn that the little truck dates clear back to 1986, and that the trusty transport has already clocked over 225,000 miles – many of those miles occurring between Costa Rica and the California. Keith apologizes for the dirt all over the windows. His dusty little vehicle does its job quite well, but keeping it clean is quite the chore when driving the mountain roads surrounding Lake Atitlan.

As we begin to climb the steep hillsides, the lake below shimmers under a light glow. Dawn reveals a beautiful unfolding scene – a clear and spectacular view of jungle-covered volcanoes and awe-inspiring vistas of a calm and deep-blue Lake Atitlan.

Fifteen minutes later, as we near the top of a ridge, Keith turns his truck onto a small dirt road, revealing a beautiful panorama below. We hoped for a fantastic camera opportunity, but the bright morning sun broke above the distant volcano-clad horizon just minutes earlier. Any attempt at a pristine photo op is slightly hampered by the glaring orange glow of a beautiful sunrise.

“This is one of the clearest times of the year.” Keith fills me in. “In just a few days time, the clean crisp air will begin to be filled with haze that blows in from the coast as the indigenous farmers start to burn their sugar cane fields down by the ocean.”

The concept of passing-time becomes completely irrelevant as beautiful scenery and delightful conversation continuously fill my attention with pleasant distractions.

As we drive along a tall mountain ridge, a breath-taking view suddenly unfolds below. To our right, a huge valley is completely engulfed by flat low-lying clouds. The amazing vista reveals a fairy-tale-like scene. The clouds below give the illusion of being a huge lake. The texture of these white bumpy clouds makes it appear as if rolling waves are churning in the mists. A lone peak in the middle of the mountainous cloud-lake appears to be a beautiful and magical island – like a small volcano rising from a mystical sea of clouds.

Keith suddenly slows down, and just seconds later we pull off the road. I am stunned by the beauty of this breathtaking vista. With camera in hand, I hop out into the very cool and crisp morning air.

“This is the highest point on the Inter-Americas Highway.” Keith tells me enthusiastically.

I am shocked as Keith informs me that this beautiful mountain pass is over 11,000 feet above sea level. I giggle as I notice that the grass under my feet is covered by small ice crystals of frozen morning dew.

I listen with surprise as Keith shares another fact.

“We are so high that it sometimes snows here.” Keith tells me.

I am shocked to learn that snow can indeed fall this far south in Central America.

I love Keith’s relaxed traveling style. Rather than rushing to our destination, we stop frequently for camera opportunities, visiting an old rock quarry, and playing tourist at a very old and interesting Catholic church.

Shortly after 9:00 a.m., approximately three hours after leaving San Marcos, Keith parks his little pickup truck in a lot just across the street from a place that is now quite familiar. I clearly recognize the massive outdoor markets of Xela – the same place where I had been dropped off during my first lone visit to this beautiful city just over eight months ago – the same market in which I had once felt quite helpless and lost while searching for a little public “collectivo” to transport me into the city center. I chuckle as I recall having had to pay two fares on that April morning – one for me and one for my backpack.

Those days of fear and insecurity seem so very long ago. Confidence now overflows in my heart as I ponder how amazingly far I have come in such a short time.

Bargaining For Beans

While Keith and I scour Xela’s huge outdoor market for cacao vendors, I begin to feel quite nostalgic as I reminisce back to my first introduction to cacao in early March. Those amazing days of Mayan cultural immersion in Belize continuously take on a more powerful significance in my memories. Eight months ago, the Universe guided me into brief hands-on learning about the farming and processing of cacao. Now, during the past five months, I have been deeply blessed as I continue to benefit from cacao’s use as a gentle heart-opening facilitator.

Today I am privileged to learn one of the final puzzle-pieces – how to shop for cacao beans – learning tips and tricks in selecting and bargaining for the raw chocolate that will contain the highest possible concentrations of the natural compounds that help to open heart consciousness. The “love-grade” chocolate that Keith sells and uses in his chocolate ceremonies is composed of one hundred percent raw cacao. But the secret is all in the cacao bean selection. Not just any cacao bean will do.

Keith and I visit what must be at least fifteen separate vendors who are scattered throughout the maze of narrow pathways leading here and there in the market. As we tediously sample one cacao bean after another, Keith spends considerable time coaching me on each of the various techniques that he uses for selecting the best beans. By Keith’s personal request, I will not divulge any of those secrets here in my writing. Suffice it to say that a combination of both technique and intuitive feelings are used in the selection process.

Before revealing his own opinions, Keith frequently asks me to give him my own personal evaluation regarding the usability of a particular sack of cacao beans. By the time my training is complete I am thrilled that my own intuitive choices seem to accurately match Keith’s expert opinions.

After narrowing our pool of choices down to only four vendors, we then begin to discuss final prices and quantities. Keith is prepared to purchase as many as five hundred pounds of cacao beans – but only one vendor will bargain for a reasonable price, and that vendor has only one large sack of beans that meet our criteria. Forty five minutes later, a young Mayan man loads that one-hundred-and-sixteen-pound sack into the back of Keith’s truck. We end up with far fewer beans than hoped for – but what we do have will last Keith for another few weeks.

Market Munchies

With the primary purpose for our trip having now been accomplished, our focus immediately shifts to other goals – namely shopping, shopping, and then perhaps maybe just a little more shopping.

Shopping in San Marcos is limited to basic staples, a few paper supplies, and a small assortment of seasonal fruits and vegetables. Trips to larger towns and cities always become an opportunity to stock up on much-needed items at cheaper prices.

Keith and I first reenter the large outdoor market. Over the next hour or so, my shopping bags gradually fill up with a large papaya, bananas, tomatoes, potatoes, mandarin oranges, and a bag of yummy candied peanuts.

My tummy soon begins to growl and grumble, actively telling me that the time for physical nourishment has come and gone.

“Let’s just grab a quick bite here in the Market.” Keith suggests.

I glance trustingly at Keith’s face while quickly checking in with my own inner guidance.

“Sure,” I respond with intuitive confidence, quickly pushing old doubts and fears out of the way.

While many travelers find street food to be an economical way to eat for pennies, I have remained quite cautious and skeptical. “Can I trust the food?” “Under what conditions was it prepared?” “Just what might really be inside?” “Will it make me sick or give me parasites?”

A minute later, Keith and I are munching down on a couple of “Chuchitos”. These little curiosities cost two Quetzales each (about 25 cents), and consist of some type of cornmeal tamale-like fried dough with a small (and I do mean small) piece of chicken meat inside. I eventually discover my chicken tidbit after first swallowing about two-thirds of the bland-tasting dough.

But hey, it fills my stomach and takes the bite out of my hunger. Thinking ahead, Keith and I each buy one more Chuchito, stuffing them in our bags. We will need something to munch on a little later.

Treasure Hunts

Our next stop is the “Hiper Pais” department store, along with a modern mall right next door. I quickly find the treasure that I seek – a small travel hair dryer. For more than three months now, ever since my old blow dryer burned out during the Sun Course, I have resorted to simply allowing my hair to dry the natural way – straight and plain. I eagerly look forward to finally being able to add a slight wave here and there.

Oh the things I used to take for granted!

About the only other things I buy in the store are much needed cough drops and a can of coconut cream – something to sweeten and flavor the cacao that I now love to drink before writing.

With my prized possessions in tow, I simply become Keith’s faithful shadow while he completes his own purchasing errands. Before leaving, Keith and I spend an extra twenty minutes browsing a very interesting store in the mall – the very same Egyptian store where I purchased my Tarot cards last June. I love how old experiences continue to bring me full circle.

The final stop in our shopping whirlwind will be the “Mercado La Democracia.” As Keith steers his little pickup through increasing afternoon traffic, I am quite shocked to glimpse what appears to be a new Mormon temple under construction up on a nearby hill. To my surprise, Keith quickly detours, taking me closer for a brief photo op. Even more surprising is that we drive right into the construction site, right past a Spanish-language sign that proclaims “entrance forbidden.” With my camera in hand, I simply giggle as a guard soon approaches, instructing us to leave. Somehow I know that one of these photos will end up in a little newsletter to my dear sweet grandchildren.

As Keith and I hurriedly stroll through and around our second outdoor-marketplace of the day, I pick up a few more vegetables while Keith discovers his own final treasure – a stack of plastic cups that will perfectly complement the others he already owns – cups that will allow Keith to serve even more cacao at chocolate ceremonies with ever-increasing numbers of participants.

Destination Unknown

“Which hot spring do you want to go to?” Keith had asked me earlier while still driving toward our final market stop.

Keith lays out many vague options before me. I learn that the most popular tourist spot is very crowded and has thirty-minute time limits for visitors.

As I ponder the many possibilities, the idea of big crowds and short time limits does not appeal to my heart strings.

“Take me to one of the places that is less crowded,” I respond to Keith, “to a place where we can spend as much time as we want.”

“You know the area much better than I do.” I add with loving trust. “Just take me to wherever your intuition guides you.”

As we pull away from the “Mercado La Democracia,” butterflies begin to flitter around in my stomach. While I know that Keith and I are merely friends, a pesky little voice in the back of my mind is babbling away, harassing me with thoughts and questions.

It has been ten long years since I last enjoyed the solo company of a man while sitting together in swimsuits, relaxing in the intimate setting a hot spring. During that romance-filled trip to Lava Hot Springs in Southern Idaho, I was hopelessly infatuated, deeply in love, thinking that perhaps I might even end up marrying the man who was showering me with so much adoration and loving attention. Later that same year, the relationship fell apart in very confusing ways. My tender heart had been devastated. As I struggled to gather up the scattered pieces of my soul, I was not sure if I would ever again open my heart to such levels of vulnerability and intimacy.

So here I am, ten powerful healing years later, about to enjoy an unknown hot spring experience with a dear friend – a man with whom I have become quite emotionally intimate in the realm of spirituality – a beautiful man whom I love unconditionally with all of my heart. But today’s circumstances are entirely different than those of ten years ago. My relationship with Keith is strictly spiritual – an amazing and beautiful cherished friendship.

“Or is it?” the voices chatter away incessantly in my head. “Is this really a date like Sharon teased?” “Where is Keith taking me?” “Is our relationship about to change?” “Could it be that he is about to express a romantic interest in me?” “How will I respond if he does?”

As I face a feeling of simultaneous confusion and confidence, my mind is again peacefully guided back to a profound state of inner knowing – something I believe with all of my heart.

“It does not matter what Keith’s interests may or may not be … my only role in the process is to be real, genuine, vulnerable, and present … nothing more.”

Intuition again clearly reassures me, “Simply lean back in your seat and enjoy the powerful ride – no expectations, no attachments – just be present.”

Surprise and Trust

The thirty-minute drive begins with more delightful reminiscing as Keith and I pass right through the central plaza of Xela. Warm memories fill my glowing heart as we drive through familiar neighborhoods – places where I have slept, eaten meals, studied Spanish, and even experienced my first earthquake.

But soon, recognizable views give way to sights that are new – places upon which I have never set foot. Minutes later, we leave the boundaries of Xela and begin to pass through beautiful mountainous terrain. In another twenty minutes, surprise completely consumes me when Keith suddenly announces that we have arrived at our destination.

We are stopped in a gravel parking lot in front of what appears to be an old and rundown motel-like structure. With complete trust in my heart, I grab my backpack and step into the unknown, fully trusting Keith as my guide.

We pay our 10 Quetzales (about $1.25 US), after which Keith leads me down a long dimly-lit hallway. Both sides of the hall are lined by individual doorways – again reminding me of an old motel. But instead of each room containing beds and furniture, I note that behind each open doorway is a private hot-tub-like sunken concrete pool area.

The place feels clean enough, but its older age, the dim lighting in the halls, and the damp humidity of the environment, give the building a simultaneous feeling that makes me slightly uneasy.

“This is definitely not a place that I would come to by myself.” I ponder quietly as Keith and I continue walking toward the far end of the hall.

I cannot help but notice that the room Keith has chosen, the last one on the right, is the most dimly lit and isolated room of all. I quickly excuse myself to use a restroom just around the corner while Keith changes into his swimsuit.

When I return to the room, Keith excuses himself, giving me a few minutes of privacy. As I perform my own quick change, I take a few moments to examine the dark concrete room in which I find myself. The ten foot by twelve foot enclosure has a lone and tiny window, nearly ten feet above the pool. The window allows a small glimmer of daylight to filter in. The single light bulb on the ceiling, when switched on, radiates only a small amount of illumination.

The pool area is itself maybe six feet square and perhaps about two and a half feet deep. Several concrete steps gradually lead down to the shallow bottom. Hot spring water is rushing out of an old PVC pipe and faucet. Keith had begun to fill the makeshift pool just moments before stepping out.

After changing, I leave the door slightly ajar and tiptoe down the steps into the glorious steaming water bath. It has been so long since my body has been immersed in a pool of hot water. The sulfur-like odor of the spring is slightly distracting, but I quickly grow accustomed to the scent. The temperature is hot, but not too hot – slightly cooler than a hot tub back home. With the luxurious water engulfing my now-moist skin, I feel as if I am in heaven.

“The water is piped in from a hot spring up on the side of the hill.” Keith tells me after joining me in the pool.

“There are many places like this one here in this little village.” Keith continues. “But this is my favorite.”

Keith sits in one corner while I sit in the opposite, next to the steps. My feet rest comfortably on the ground near Keith’s right side.

A feeling of complete trust and surrender intuitively whisper: “All is well.”

Chocolate Miracles

Imagine my surprise when Keith announces that he has brought chocolate.

“Is he trying to open and soften my heart so that he can make a romantic move on me?” I momentarily ponder with a giggle.

Again, I surrender to the moment, knowing implicitly, with all of my heart, that I can trust Keith – that whatever his motives may be, they are indeed pure.

Minutes later, I am slowly sipping on a cup containing one half ceremonial dose (one ounce) of magical and mystical raw cacao, continuing to giggle inside as I surrender to the moment, trusting that whatever is about to unfold will be amazing – and the best part of the moment is that I have no attachment whatsoever. My vulnerabilities are open, my heart is genuine, and my intentions are pure. The rest is up to divine guidance.

And the next hour of conversation is indeed divine. Our discussion is free flowing, genuine, animated, and deeply spiritual. I grill Keith with questions about his own spiritual healing journey of the past thirty years. We talk extensively about my own healing path, especially focusing on the growth that I have been passing through over the last few weeks.

I request feedback regarding my own intuitive insights – insights that have come to me while working with other participants in chocolate gatherings. The guidance Keith provides is loving and encouraging.

Deep unconditional love flows through my veins as gratitude overflows in my heart – gratitude for the peace, gratitude for the fact that all of my silliness has been shown to be just that – silly fears about romance, silly worries that no longer even show up on my radar screen. Keith is showing himself to be an incredible and honorable gentleman – a fact that only makes me love him even more.

Enchanted Chanting

In my bliss, I begin to mindlessly chat about my social growth, going on about how I have learned so much about social interaction from being around and observing Sandra. Then I drift into a momentary state of disconnected fear as I start to discuss my tendency to occasionally retreat into past social insecurities.

As Keith tunes into my new energy, he immediately tunes me out. His eyes close in exactly the same way that I have seen them do many times before. I realize that Keith is receiving some type of internal guidance … but what he does next literally blows me away.

Keith suddenly begins toning – creating a beautiful harmonic resonance with his voice. I have heard him do similar things many times in groups, but what he does today seems to literally whisk me off into a different reality. As the harmonic tones bounce and echo off the walls of our small enclosed hot-tub room, I cease talking, slip into a meditative state, and begin to float away in ecstasy.

A few minutes later, as Keith briefly pauses, I again begin to chatter away, almost mindlessly.

Keith immediately interrupts, resuming his vocal enchantment – but this time, rather than toning, Keith begins to chant in a powerful way that reminds me of something that Tibetan or Hindu monks might have done in a fourteenth century monastery – perhaps somewhere high in the Himalayan Mountains.

The energy I feel is amazing and strangely familiar. A deep sense of knowing surges through my heart, telling me that I am very familiar with this type of chanting, that I have done it myself many times before in a past life – perhaps even with Keith.

Again Keith pauses, and I restart my talking.

Keith immediately resumes his enchanting vocal concert. I get the message and stop thinking about what I will say when Keith finishes. Instead, I simply decide to stop thinking.

My soul whispers to me: “shut up … surrender … be … feel … surrender … experience … do nothing … surrender … allow … melt … flow … surrender.”

I gleefully obey the desires of my soul. The feeling of complete spiritual surrender consumes my focus.

Keith continues chanting and toning almost nonstop for what must be at least the next thirty minutes. Throughout the blissful experience, I simply melt into the moment, feeling as if I am close to vibrating away into another dimension

Balls of Energy

When Keith eventually ceases his concert of vocal magic, I am mesmerized and dazzled, drifting aimlessly in the vibrating energy. I no longer have even the slightest desire to speak. The only thing I want to do is to remain exactly where I am, keeping my eyes closed, doing exactly what I am already doing.

In a process of continuous gradual surrender, I feel myself going deeper and deeper into a state of universal oneness. A momentary thought guides me to enter a Mer-Ka-Ba meditation. Soon I sense a powerful ball of energy surrounding my heart chakra. The energy begins to expand in intensity, feeling like a highly pressurized globe of love literally hovering inside my chest.

While focusing on this amazing heart energy, I begin to realize that my cheeks feel extremely flushed and hot. Keeping my eyes tightly closed, I momentarily speak, quietly mentioning to Keith about the almost-unbearable heat sensation in my face.

I half expect Keith to add a little cooler water to the pool, but for some reason he does nothing except sit silently, quietly and energetically holding the space.

A whisper of intuition tells me to take no physical action – to simply sit with my discomfort – to surrender to that discomfort – to do so without fear, resistance or worry.

As I sit in my ever-intensifying state of burning heat, I receive another peaceful intuition – this one telling me to perform Reiki on my face. The thought crosses my mind that I have been sitting in a hot pool of water for at least two hours now. I am also reminded of the fact that I have consumed over an ounce of raw cacao – a substance which also opens up the blood vessels – especially to my brain.

Seconds later, the palms of my hands are gently touching my fiery cheeks – channeling Universal energy to help balance the energy movement in my body – releasing some of the hot energy in my cheeks and forehead by opening up an energy flow throughout the region.

Gratitude fills my heart as I begin to sense the amazing results of my actions.

Following my intuitions, I gradually move my hands outward, away from my face, expanding them ever so slowly. As I do so, I feel a second ball of energy – one that matches the energy already hovering in my heart. This new energy ball begins to expand, filling the area in and around my skull. Just like the energy engulfing my heart, this new energy field also feels extremely powerful and highly pressurized.

Eventually, my arms are outstretched at shoulder height with my palms curving upwards, facing back toward my face. In this position, I sit in blissful silence, consciously holding this immensely pleasurable energy field around my head.

The energy in my skull vibrates with a peaceful intensity, the likes of which I have never before felt in my entire life. My entire upper body is literally overflowing with an indescribable sensation of pure love.

Rippling Waves

After maintaining this blissful arms-raised position for nearly thirty minutes, an internal state-of-knowing proceeds to guide me into yet-another unplanned journey.

“Connect to mother earth and father sun/sky.” The intuitions tell me.

Raising my left palm higher to the sky, I then lower my right hand back down into the hot water with my fingertips touching the bottom of the pool.

The energy is amazing and peaceful, yet quite different than the energy of a few minutes earlier. Deep loving gratitude for the earth and sun consume my soul. I feel energetically and metaphorically joined to my divine mother and divine father, with me literally being their divine daughter. Yes, I am still aware of my separateness, but I am also deeply one with the Universe, profoundly connected at the same time.

Keith then does something completely unexpected – something that feels incredible. I hear him use what I believe to be his hands, making a small splashing noise, subsequently sending a small wave across from the far side of the pool.

I wonder if the noise I hear is intentional or accidental, but as the small wave collides with my abdomen, I suddenly realize that the wave does not collide at all. I literally feel the wave flow energetically through me – in one side, through my belly, and out the other side. The sensation is magical.

As Keith repeats this action several more times, I soon recognize that his actions are deliberate and deeply inspired. Each time that a wave reaches my tummy, I again feel the same powerful sensation of the wave actually rippling through my body, as if I am one with the wave.

While enjoying these fascinating waves of penetrating energy, I mentally connect with the five elements – earth, water, air, fire, and spirit. In my mind I embrace each of these nurturing and life-giving elements, thanking them for the incredible sensation of elemental balance that now resonates throughout my entire soul.

Again, for at least another thirty minutes, I remain in complete silence, one hand raised to the sky, one hand lowered to the earth, simply basking in the spiritual energy that consumes my soul.

Between Two Worlds

Realizing that the hour must be late, I reluctantly open my eyes and speak.

“I don’t want this experience to end.” I whisper to a loving and patient Keith who continues to sit quietly on the far side of the pool.

I begin to briefly summarize the journey through which I have passed during this indescribable period of long silence.

“We are in no rush whatsoever,” Keith gently reassures me. “Take as much time as is necessary for you to integrate and to play out your experience.”

“I feel as if I were just reborn.” I tell Keith with amazement. “Today feels like a new birthday.

Immediately, Keith breaks out in song … “Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Brenda, Happy birthday to you.”

I feel deeply honored. The only thing missing are the cake and candles.

I have now been in the hot water for at least three hours, possibly longer. I feel weak and slightly dizzy from the combined effects of heat, cacao, spiritual energies, and the presence of overwhelming unconditional love. I am presently unsure if I am even capable of standing up under my own power.

“You may have to carry me back to the car,” I playfully tell Keith – not quite sure if I am joking or if my statement may yet become fact.

Even though Keith has given loving permission for me to remain as long as necessary, my intuition dictates that the time for movement has arrived.

With my eyes still closed I gradually follow new intuitions. Slowly, I slip my weight up onto the first step. After a few minutes of grounding myself, I again slip up onto the next.

When I eventually reach the third step, I lift my left leg and hand up onto the ground above me, leaving my right hand and leg in the water below. Symbolically I see myself as the Star Card of the Rider-Waite Tarot deck – a powerful card where a beautiful woman is simultaneously connected to two worlds, having one foot on the earth and one foot in the water.

Over the next several minutes, I finish the process of gradually inching my way out of the pool, one stair-step at a time, continuing to keep one foot and hand in each world.

Balanced Chakras

Finally I sit on the top step. With my eyes still closed, I turn to face the pool with both feet back in the water. Again my intuitions guide me in unplanned ways.

Listening to inner guidance, I begin to ground my chakras in a way that I have never been taught. I start with one hand on my crown and the other at my root chakra, channeling and balancing energy until intuition guides me to move on. I repeat the process by balancing my third-eye chakra with my sacral chakra. Again, I do the same with my throat chakra and my solar plexus. Finally, I bring all of the energy into balance in my heart space.

As I complete the process, I feel deeply energized and alert. On the one hand, I am powerfully grounded – on the other I am still floating in the clouds.

As I hear Keith begin to move, I keep my eyes tightly closed. I can only assume that he must be sitting on the steps a little to my left.

Indescribable Love

As I continue to sit in silence, I begin to visualize a deep and indescribable feeling of unconditional love toward Keith. For at least fifteen minutes I sit doing nothing else other than to bask in the glow of this amazing unconditional love. Words of gratitude are impossible to find. Feelings of deep and profound love glow forth from my soul – not only for Keith the man, but also for the amazing experience into which Keith has so skillfully guided me.

As I begin to wonder if this deep feeling of love is only directed toward Keith, I then feel the love shift to my dear family and friends back home. One by one, I visualize the faces of my former wife, each of my children, each daughter-in-law, each son-in-law, and each of my twelve grandchildren, several of which I have never met. This overwhelming feeling of love and joy consumes my heart and soul as I spend a full minute or two focusing on each person.

Next, I immerse myself in the same indescribable love while focusing on my dear friends, both those back home, and those whom I have met during my travels. To my amazement, I feel the same amazing indescribable love for everyone – whether it be Keith, my family, or for my friends.

But I am not done yet.

“Brenda,” I hear Keith whispering quietly from behind me, “if you want to continue sitting where you are, I’m going to go ahead and change and get my things together. I will then go out to the car to wait for you.”

For the next ten minutes, as I continue to hear Keith’s muffled movements, I remain lost in the depths of my love meditation. I first focus on world leaders, present and past, loved and hated.

One by one, I feel this beautiful and indescribable loving emotion being directed toward the likes of Barack Obama, George Bush, Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, popes, church leaders, law-abiding-citizens, criminals-of-all-types, wars, and natural disasters.

Happy Birthday

“Brenda,” Keith whispers quietly. “I am changed and ready to go. I will be out in the car waiting for you. Please, take as long as you need. There is no reason to hurry.”

With pure love still flowing through my veins, I soon cease my concentrated love-fest with the world. Minutes later I am dried and dressed – energized and amazed – still dazzled and nearly speechless.

I look at my fingers and toes with anticipation. After three to four hours in a hot pool, I expect them to be shriveled like wrinkled raisins – but no, they are quite smooth and healthy, and my body feels strong and alive.

While walking slowly down the long hallway, my immediate surroundings seem to have taken on a new feeling of beauty. Near the front entrance, I notice a mirror hanging on the concrete wall.

“Why not?” I think to myself as I walk over for a closer look.

 Expecting to see a red-faced exhausted woman staring back at me, I instead discover a clear-complexioned loving face with glowing eyes.

As I assume my seat in Keith’s little Toyota truck, a new awareness has firmly implanted itself in my soul.

“I need do nothing … I need simply be present.”

“Everywhere that I turn, the world is literally playing out a stage play that seems to be scripted for my own personal growth.”

“All I need to do is to simply observe my feelings … to send love to everyone and to everything … to release all judgments … to surrender to spirit … and to allow my path to unfold with a joyful and playful energy.”

As Keith and I drive away in the dark of night, intense joy permeates my soul. There is no doubt that I just passed through the most profound experience of my life. I am indeed feeling reborn. Today is my birthday – the first day of the rest of my life – a life that will never again be the same.

Holy Relationships

Throughout the journey back to San Marcos, I continue to float in the clouds while processing and integrating the amazing events of an unbelievable afternoon.

Keith and I talk, and talk, and talk – whether it be while driving, eating rice and beans in a small roadside “comedor”, or sitting stuck in an hour-long traffic jam behind what turns out to have been a serious head-on collision just a short distance up the road.

When we are less than an hour from home, I bring up the topic of relationships, asking Keith if he is familiar with the term “Holy Relationship” from A Course In Miracles.

“Absolutely,” Keith replies, “I am very familiar with that part of the course.”

“Well, I want to thank you for the amazing Holy Relationship that I share with you.” I tell Keith with deep and genuine love. “I am so grateful that we can share such a spiritually powerful friendship – a relationship based on unconditional God-like love – a relationship without the confusing romantic entanglements of attachment and specialness.”

Then Keith casually adds, “But a Holy Relationship does not preclude the possibility of having a romantic relationship as well.”

“Absolutely,” I concur, “I agree with you one hundred percent on that one.”

Wrapping It Up

As we wind our way down the steep mountain slopes leading back into Lake Atitlan, I generously thank Keith one more time.

“Thank you from the bottom of my heart for inviting me to come along today.” I express with emotion and tears in my eyes. “I am so deeply grateful for all that you have done for me today.”

“I had a strong feeling telling me that you should come along,” Keith confesses. “Something inside told me that today would bring a great experience for you.”

“Well, thank you for being so tuned-in to your profound intuitions.” I respond.

Shortly after 10:00 p.m., Keith drops me off on the road, just 75 feet above my apartment. As we hug and I gather up all my overstuffed shopping bags, I am eager to discover if Sharon is still here in San Marcos. To my delight, my temporary roommate has indeed delayed her departure for another day or two. I have so much that I want to share with her.

As my head finally relaxes on my pillow, joyful contentment continues to delight my overflowing heart. Unconditional love lifts me into the clouds as I reflect on my deep gratitude for an incredible friendship with Keith.

Yes, I am quite content with the realization that my relationship with Keith is indeed nothing more than a Holy Relationship – an unconditionally loving friendship between two divine beings of opposite gender – nothing more.

“But why did he throw in that extra comment about Holy Relationships not excluding the possibility of a romantic one?” I begin to ponder with frustration.

I start to feel quite puzzled by the tiny bits of doubt and uncertainty that still linger in my heart.

(… to be continued …)

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved