My heart overflows with loving presence and power as I awaken on the first morning of my 57th year. After a beautiful healing conversation with my roommate Peter, I sit back on the living room daybed and begin to dabble in writing a few notes. The powerful vibration in my heart is overwhelming and undeniable, distracting me from such mundane everyday tasks. I want nothing more than to lie back in this dancing river of vibrating energy.
But part of me remains unsure, slightly fearful as I surrender deeper into the flow – a flow that puts all past belief systems into question.
In the midst of the magical wonder, I begin to ponder just how this energy must have felt when I was a very young child – how it must have been such a traumatic shock when the power-cord to this amazing magic was abruptly severed.
Pain with Roots
As the Friday afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway, I am still riding high on the wave of light, joyfully sharing that light with others. But soon after Keith begins guiding a group meditation, one that he calls “The Pillar of Light,” my abdomen begins to go crazy with rumbling painful energy.
As I patiently and desperately wait for the meditation to end, the bloating pain in my abdomen increases dramatically in intensity, reaching a state that I could only describe as excruciatingly painful.
“Please help me Keith!” I ask with a sense of desperation as the meditation finally concludes.
Soon, Keith asks several others in the group to scoot over in front of me to assist me with my release process.
“This pain is deeply rooted in your second chakra.” Keith begins to guide me. “For some reason, I have observed that emotional densities in the second chakra often seem to have very deep roots.”
“Reach inside and literally grab hold of the painful densities,” Keith continues his confusing coaching. “Literally yank them out, roots and all.”
As I look around the room before following Keith’s guidance, I again feel a strong need to ask Anton for his assistance. I briefly hesitate, but swallow my pride, verbally expressing my desire. Soon, Anton is among those gathered and holding space for me.
Not having a clue what to do, I enter deeply into meditation and envision myself using my energetic hands to reach inside of my abdomen, imagining myself literally grabbing the core of the painful throbbing emotional blobs that taunt me. As I do so, I use every ounce of force that my internal will can muster … pulling … pulling … gasping for breath … pulling … crying … pulling … breathing … pulling.
The pain is excruciating as I engage both my imagination and my diaphragm to pull and suck out the density. Deep tears and gut-wrenching anguish saturate my soul as I continue exerting every fiber of my will and strength.
Finally, I experience a deep sense of relief as the majority of the pain seems to have been lifted and dissolved – first having been pulled up into my solar plexus before being released from my body for transmutation by the angels.
But a strong sense of inner knowing simultaneously tells me that I am not done yet.
“Brenda,” Keith interjects lovingly, “even though we both know there is more to go, you have done enough for today. Save the rest for later. Let this be a process of following the flow of your Higher Self, trusting that the rest will be released in its proper time.”
Increasing Insights
For several minutes, I simply sit in restful shock while contemplating the pain-releasing reality of what just occurred on the porch.
“This is just another personal example to show you how you literally shut down your energies as a child beginning around age three.” Keith coaches me further.
Again, Keith reassures me that there was no verbal of physical abuse involved – but he continues to label what happened to me as actual energetic and psychic abuse, reiterating that the blockages in my lower chakras are directly related to the religious guilt and judgment that were energetically dumped all over me by loving parents and teachers, continuously piling up the religious programming layer upon layer – all for my own good of course.
In those tender years, these lower-vibration energies gradually overwhelmed me as my genuine and innocent connection to the divine literally withered and died.
“Keith,” I again emphasize to my teacher, “I have no earthly memory of any of this physically happening, yet emotionally and intuitively, everything that you are telling me resonates as being powerfully true.”
Increasing Energies
I cannot help but notice that as I tediously process through one emotional layer after another, I seem to be gradually opening more and more magical energy connections – energy vibrations that just a few months ago would have seemed mere fantasy.
Just today, I experience much more energy vibrating in my head – and while my lower chakras still feels quite blocked, they are considerably lighter than I have felt in a very long time.
“Congratulations on a very powerful day.” Keith tells me as we briefly chat after group.
Both Keith and I know that I have only just begun – that there are many more emotional layers to release – that the opening of my magical theme park has barely begun.
A Higher Flow
As I stroll home, a feeling of quiet excitement fills my soul. I am not the least bit concerned with what my next step will be. I recognize very clearly that I am in a powerful flow – a flowing process guided step by step by an awareness that is far beyond my present comprehension – a flow directed by my own Higher Self.
I laugh with humility as I contemplate how the “old me” would have been judging others who seemed to be as stuck as I presently appear to be – day after day digging into the same issues – crying out layer after layer of the same old stuff – progressing ever so slowly through deep emotional issues.
Yet, the “new me” simply giggles as I recognize that I am on a gradual path that is definitely guiding me in ways I never before imagined. As I courageously take each step, I am being blessed with deep insights into love and patience, knowing that I simply need to show up and be present with each unfolding lesson.
Yoga Farm or Bust
Delighted would be an understatement as I eagerly contemplate the amazing Saturday before me. Keith has asked if I would like to accompany him on a daytrip across the lake for another ceremony at the beautiful Mystical Yoga Farm. Magical memories of my last such trip only add to my anticipation.
A minor glitch in our plans turns out to be no problem at all. When the man who was expected to transport us across the lake in his boat tells us “no”, we quickly make new plans, taking a public boat to San Pedro and hiring a private boat to complete our journey. The smile in my heart grows bigger as the beautiful and isolated yoga retreat center comes into view. We have arrived with plenty of time to spare.
Slow Start, Wild Finish
As Keith passes the chocolate out to the other fourteen participants, I accidentally find myself sitting next to a small petite woman who almost immediately begins to exhibit deep anxiety about what is about to happen to her. I will simply call her Cathy (not her real name).
I spend several minutes reassuring Cathy that all will be OK, that if she trusts herself and allows herself to fully surrender to the process, that she will have an amazing experience.
Soon, as the ceremony is fully underway, I find myself energetically drawn to give Cathy one-hundred percent of my time and loving energy. She is overwhelmed with anxiety and deep painful emotional release as Keith slowly works his way around the rest of the beautiful outdoor pavilion, working with other women who seem to be barely accessing their own suppressed emotions – a process that goes on for an hour or more.
But I am not judging Keith for taking his time. I have learned to deeply trust that he is following the energies, and that all will be perfect with his timing. I simply do what I can to support Cathy, to provide her with loving reassurance and high vibration energies. When Keith finally does work his way around to Cathy and me, he takes one look at her fragile emotional state and immediately asks everyone else in the pavilion to stop what they are doing and to come over to support Cathy.
Then Keith shocks everyone.
“I am being guided to tell you all that Cathy is being what I call a ‘ground’.” Keith begins teaching us all. “Cathy is currently channeling the painful repressed emotions of others in the group, grounding all of those bottled-up emotions by running them uncontrollably and extremely-painfully through her own body and then down into Mother Earth.”
“See what you all are doing to her by not being honest with what you feel!” Keith adds with loving emphasis.
Almost immediately, as Keith’s powerful words sink in, and as Cathy’s emotional anxiety goes into high gear, nearly everyone in the pavilion bursts into deep, gut-wrenching tears. They intuitively recognize the truth of Keith’s profound words and begin to allow themselves to tear down their own emotional walls.
For the next several hours, the emotional processing done by all is profound and genuine. Intense would be an extreme understatement as the level of emotions released is probably the most I have ever witnessed in any given single ceremony.
My heart continues to guide me to remain at Cathy’s side, pumping her full of loving energies while her healing process gradually unfolds – a healing process shared by all who are present.
A few weeks later, I learn that Cathy left the yoga retreat early – happily telling her friends that she is thrilled to have gotten exactly what she came for, and that there was no other reason to remain.
Outdoor Bed
Because of the lateness of the hour, Keith and I opt to remain at the Yoga Farm for Saturday night. I end up getting an exceedingly uncomfortable mattress in the loft of a shared cabin. The floor and wooden ladder are extremely squeaky, and my bladder seems to be extra small. Combining this with the fact that I seem to sense the connected energy of everyone around me within twenty feet, I simply cannot sleep.
Shortly after midnight I quietly sneak down to the outdoor pavilion – a beautiful round patio with concrete floor and thatched roof – an open-air gathering place less than 50 feet from the waters of Lake Atitlan, surrounded by gorgeous views. Still not sure what will happen, I pile up about ten straw mats, on top of which I layer seven or eight spongy yoga mats. Then, wrapping myself up in several woolen blankets I attempt my first open-air sleeping experience in a very long time.
Magically, I soon drift off to sleep and wake up only a couple of times. As the first shimmers of dawn begin to radiate above the nearby volcano just across the lake and above Santiago, I quietly stow away all of my pads and blankets and sneak back up the path to my lumpy and saggy mattress at the top of a squeaky wooden ladder. For some silly reason, I don’t want others to know that I slept outside – part of me fearing that I might have been breaking a rule or something horrible like that.
A half hour after returning to my bed, I hear the quiet dinging of morning bells. It is now 6:15 a.m., time to arise for morning meditation. Just over two hours later, Keith and I are back on a boat, being whisked across the smooth waters of Lake Atitlan, rushing back to San Marcos with plenty of time to prepare for yet another day of chocolate healing.
Lessons in Acceptance
Back at my apartment, I intend to grab a quick breakfast before rushing off to help Keith prepare for what may be a large ceremony on his porch. But to my surprise, I discover Peter in a state of really desiring to talk.
The lesson is a very tough one for me.
Peter has decided that he is no longer interested in working with Keith, and that he is going to pursue his spiritual path in his own way, on his own terms, doing so from a more rational-minded, self-directed, manifestation approach. I am all for people following their own paths, yet in my narrow-minded perception I see deep flaws in Peter’s approach – judging it through my own filtered lenses. With all of my heart, I desperately long to find a way to convince Peter to see that the way I would do it is a much more enlightened approach.
At one awkward point in our conversation – a point in which I feel my heart began to thump with resistance – Peter pushes back and points out that I am projecting onto him.
“I am so sorry.” I apologize, quickly taking responsibility for what I now see myself doing. “I beg your forgiveness for trying to force my path onto you.”
The next hour of our conversation is beautiful, peaceful, and very helpful to both of us. Peter soon tells me how grateful he is for the insights that I shared with him. I later remind myself that my job is not to force my own path onto others. Instead, my task as a counselor is to meet others where they are at – to inspire them to find their own inner path – to inspire them to find the courage to listen to their own heart.
Return to Pain
Throughout the first half of a relatively small Sunday chocolate ceremony, I revel in the fact that my heart is still glowing with power and that none of my own emotional densities are surfacing. I use the opportunity to share energy with several other people in the group.
However, as if on cue, a lesser version of my abdominal pain begins to resurface as Keith works with another woman in the group – working with her about how she shut down her own third chakra when she was a child.
As Keith continues his work with this other woman, I feel deeply emotional as I begin to further imagine the energetic nightmare that I must have experienced as a naïve and innocent three year old child – an intuitive child being taught concepts and beliefs that deeply conflicted with the loving divine energies already flowing in my heart.
I work quietly in the background, slightly crying as I allow the emotions to surface, pondering metaphors from my magical theme park. When I recognize that my throat chakra is quite scratchy, I lift both hands to the base of my neck, providing myself with a supply of my own loving channeled light energy.
Noticing my increased emotional agitation, Anton soon joins me, beginning to supply me with high-vibration energy via my feet.
An Unexpected Answer
I note that Keith continues to work with others, completely ignoring my own emotional journey. At nearly 5:00 p.m., when I finally ask Keith for help, he informs me that his guidance is that I need to receive my own internal answers on this issue – that he needs to stay away and let me find my own way through the issue.
My initial reaction is one of frustration, futility, helplessness, and hopelessness.
“I don’t feel capable of doing that.” I respond to Keith. “I feel really stuck. I need some help to move forward with this.”
“Brenda, for several weeks now, you have been asking for help in learning how to channel so that you can get your own answers.” Keith begins to coach me. “This is the Universe’s response to your request.”
“This experience is showing you the pattern you run to scam yourself when you think you are expected to do something like this by yourself.” Keith adds. “You need to learn to trust your own connected abilities.”
Pouting Party
“If Keith is not going to help me,” I think to myself, “and if the higher energies want me to figure this out on my own, then maybe I should just go home and isolate myself, trying to do exactly that.”
My thoughts do not exactly come from an empowered and healthy perspective. They are much more of the pouting and whining variety. I feel both rejected and helpless, but am also quite determined to follow Keith’s advice.
“I wonder if I really can get my own answers on this.” I ponder weakly, not really sure if I believe that this is likely or even possible.
I really want to go home to pout and feel sorry for myself, but the connected loving energies in my heart seem to be giving me a different guidance.
“Stay and talk to Keith after group.” The little voices whisper. “Don’t take this personally. Trust yourself. Ask for clarification. Everything will be perfect … it will be exactly what you need.”
Futility and Helplessness
I am almost afraid to approach Keith after group is over. He had been quite clear that I am on my own with this issue. But I don’t want to ask him for help with my issue; I want to ask for clarification on a much larger part of my life.
In my discussion with Keith, I share about lifelong patterns of self doubt and insecurities, as well as a long-term history of not believing in myself. I tell him of my deep frustration when my channeling friend Trish (in my very last session before beginning my travels) shared with me the fact that my guides were telling her that I needed to get my own answers – that I need to learn to talk to them directly.
Keith responded by sharing some private and powerful details regarding his own difficult journey in learning to get out of his own way, in facing his own struggles of futility and helplessness.
Keith’s words deeply comfort me. Simply knowing that Keith once faced the same type of fears gives me the hope and courage to do the same.
“Brenda,” Keith adds, “If you don’t feel totally helpless and futile, then you are not yet where you need to be.”
Love Them Both
“I know, I know, I know,” I tell Keith, “I absolutely know that I have been manifesting incredible things in the last three weeks alone, often on an hourly or even moment-by-moment basis, creating a perfect reality for my ongoing growth lessons.”
“I also recognize that I am being pulled into an old pattern of not believing in myself.” I add with clarity. “I see that I am engaging in my God drama – believing in my separateness from God – frustration and anger at God – believing that God will never communicate directly with me.”
“This pattern is so obvious to me.” I continue. “On the one hand I have great clarity and can recognize the flow of the Universe in everything I do. On the other hand, I doubt myself completely.”
“I need to simply forget the doubts and embrace what I deeply know to be true …” I continue rambling.
“No, Brenda!” Keith interrupts suddenly. “Embrace them both. Put your doubts in one hand and your deep spiritual connection with the Universe in the other. Hold them both and learn about each of them.”
Keith tells me to love them both – to simply observe the patterns through which I am passing – to get to know myself. He also reminds me that what I resist will persist, but what I love will simply melt away when taken into the light.
“You are in a very powerful place,” Keith reassures me lovingly, congratulating me in my progress.
Tears of joy stream down my cheeks as I recognize the truth in Keith’s words, even though a part of me still wants to play very small.
Magical Theme Park Revisited
As I meditate before bed, it suddenly hits me with powerful force.
All of my magic is powered by unconditional love – a love which flows abundantly through my heart. The wand in my head is held by my little inner child. She literally controls the entire magical theme park – there are unlimited possibilities, all fueled by love and joy – there are no limits. The theme park is meant to be fun and joyful.
I am the one who gets to create the magic. It is not a cookie-cutter replica of Disneyland – it is my own unique magic, powered by the love of my heart, powered by my own internal creativity.
Learning to Laugh
During a quick Monday morning boat excursion to Panajachel for cash and food, I enjoy the delightful treat of an inspiring Skype conversation with my dear friend Rose.
Rose is the epitome of beautiful and genuine laughter. She has an uncanny knack of connecting with the hearts of others, and she does a great deal of that connecting with her gift of heart-felt humor.
“Rose,” I suddenly blurt out in the conversation, “laughter is an incredible way to move emotional densities.”
“I need to learn to laugh more.” I add with love. “I need to learn to laugh like you do.”
A few minutes later I have shared with Rose regarding how at around ten or eleven years of age, I suddenly developed a deep self-consciousness about the way I laughed. In fact, I completely stopped laughing out loud, never allowing myself more than a slight chuckle so as not to appear stupid.
To my horror, Rose coaxes me into ending our Skype conversation with both of us engaged in a couple of minutes of deep and loud belly laughs. As I honor Rose’s request, I begin to have such a good time that I do not even care when I glance over my shoulder to notice two young Mayan women, grinning widely at how much fun I seem to be having while I laugh.
Taking Life To Seriously
As the Monday afternoon chocolate ceremony begins, I explain to Keith about my powerful evening and morning filled with meditative insights.
“I take life to seriously.” I blurt out to Keith. “I need to learn how to laugh more.”
“Thank God.” Anton blurts out from across the porch.
“I must be underestimating my lack of humor.” I silently ponder after hearing Anton’s comment.
A sly giggle spreads across my face.
“Congratulations for taking your metaphors another level deeper.” Keith encourages me. “You are doing a great job, and you did it all by yourself.”
As the afternoon ceremony unfolds, I am so filled with love and light that I simply sit back, shining that light and love to others, holding space for them during their own deep processing.
I recognize that learning to laugh more frequently and easily will be an ongoing process, but today is a great place to begin that journey.
Life of Brenda
Later Monday evening, as Peter is out socializing with friends, I take the opportunity to put on a Monte Python movie, “Life of Brian”. Throughout the entire movie, even though I find myself inclined to moan and groan at some of the bizarre humor, I joyfully force myself to let out full strength belly laughs – the kind I have never allowed myself to do – just getting a little practice about how it feels to actually laugh out loud.
“The ‘Life of Brenda’ needs to be filled with more of these laughs,” I giggle to myself as I eventually drift off to a joyful dreamland.
Follow the River
Tuesday morning, as I plan to begin catching up on my deep backlog of writing, I am instead intuitively guided to spend nearly five hours conversing with Peter.
He is going through his own life issues, and is in a place where the loving support of a friend is most appreciated. As before, I find myself at times being extremely frustrated during the conversation with my new friend. I have so much insight and wisdom to share, but I realize that Peter and I are not living in the same realities. My words of wisdom, as I wish to share them, are not welcome.
In another powerful lesson for me, I again follow the flow of energies, understanding and working within Peter’s view of the world, simply being a friend and helping to support and encourage him as he uncovers his own clarity in the world as he sees and understands it.
I am beginning to recognize the reasons why I was guided to invite Peter to be my short-term roommate. Yes, having his masculine energy around has been a beautiful way to relax all of my past fears regarding a male roommate. But even more importantly, the experience is teaching me that when relating with others, I need to do so in the framework of their individual and unique reality.
Pain is Resistance
Wednesday afternoon, after another morning of conversing instead of writing, I immediately note that my old familiar abdominal pain is back, right where it has been for what feels like a very long time.
Rather than judging the pain, I simply watch and observe it.
I note that when Keith asks me to work with others, the pain in my abdomen seems to fade and go away. When I return to focus on my own meditative journey, the pain is again right there, asking for my focus and attention. The transient nature of the pain is a great teacher, letting me know that the sharp tummy rumbling is energetic and not physical.
Keith has some very wise rules when it comes to relationships – rules that resonate deeply with my own way of thinking – rules that I have heard him repeat in ceremonies too many times to count. Those three rules are: “It is never about what it is about”, “It is never about the other person”, and “Nothing changes until you do.”
Today, I am quite surprised when Keith suddenly quotes a fourth rule, that being “Pain is resistance.” I am quite familiar with the concept, but the fact that Keith has begun to upgrade this statement to the category of one of his relationship rules causes me to take special notice.
“Is the pain in my abdomen a form of resistance?” I ask myself. “If so, exactly what am I resisting?”
“Is there some new energy that wants to return, perhaps an old forgotten part of me?” I ponder to myself. “Could the pain be related to my own internal subconscious resistance in not allowing that to happen?”
In my heart, something rings true. Yes indeed, there is an energetic part of my being that wants to return. Yes it is something that I blocked and/or pushed out during my childhood shutdown. And yes, I do want to try to bring it back in.
But try as I might, I cannot seem to do it on my own. I again begin to doubt and to judge myself as being incapable of doing this work by myself.
Getting to Know You
After nearly five hours of alternating between my own silent process, and assisting others during group, I recognize another truth. Rather than trying to judge or fix the lack of energy in my second and third chakras, I simply need to send love to that area of my body. I’m not quite sure how to do that, but the statement vibrates deeply in my heart.
“Brenda, I have observed you doing some pretty intense inner processing while you were helping others.” Keith congratulates me after a brief discussion. “You are definitely on the right track with the recognition of your pain being resistance, and that the resistance is related to a pushed-out part of you that needs to be reintegrated.”
“But maybe before trying to bring that part of you back,” Keith adds his wisdom, “just maybe you need to first find it and get to know it.”
In sincerity, I feel as if I soon connect to a sad and rejected part of me that is still deeply wounded in the area of sexuality and creativity. I go through the motions of sending love to this part of me and asking it to come back – but I feel absolutely no energy movement.
“I’m getting the feeling that this might take longer than today.” I tell Keith, having no idea just how true my words will prove to be. “I need to take this slow and integrate with each and every step.”
Unexpected Anvil
“Go into meditation.” Keith immediately changes the flow of our conversation.
“There is an object right in front of you.” Keith continues. “What is it?”
The object that immediately flashes into my mind is an anvil. Feeling that this is a completely stupid and silly response, I resist sharing my first thought. Finally, after a few minutes of hesitation, I speak up.
“It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever,” I tell Keith timidly, “but what I’m feeling and partially seeing is an anvil – a very hard and heavy steel anvil.”
I try to find a few obvious metaphors related to an anvil, but they all fall flat. I am clueless as to why this object would pop up in my meditation.
“Get to know the anvil better.” Keith tells me before moving on to work with someone else.
“I soon realize that the anvil is of the type that has a sharp pointed rod on one end – reminding me of a hard phallus – a hard-on – something that I absolutely abhorred as a teenage boy.”
Self-Hatred
I begin to remember my earliest experiences of struggling with gender confusion – experiences where I would secretly dress up in feminine clothing, feeling exhilarated at imagining my body as fully female, feeling so alive and energized in my heart. If only the amazing feeling of feminine energy could go on forever. My heart ached for the experience to be real and lasting.
Invariably, those occasions were always ruined when my male body became sexually aroused. I hated that disgusting part of my anatomy. I despised myself when shameful and unwanted male sexuality entered into the gender experience – sexuality that always ended with a guilt-ridden release of confusing sexual energies. Yes, of course there was physical pleasure in that release, but the emotional side was plagued with shame and self-hatred.
Yes, I hated male body parts as a young boy … and a deeply rooted part of me still does.
The picture suddenly becomes very clear. The self-hatred of my youth – my deeply rooted hatred of the phallic symbol portrayed by the anvil – is the same energy that pushed out the true sexual and creative energies of my second chakra. The creativity and healthy sexuality that I rejected and pushed out in my youth are exactly the very parts of me that I now desire to bring back, to reintegrate into my field.
But the self-hatred must first be processed and released before any form of healthy lower-chakra energy is allowed to return.
Vertical Pain
As I meditate on the hatred, I begin to feel a strong and focused vertical line of physical pain – a line that starts just below the heart at the top of my third chakra and runs down through the belly button, ending right at the crotch.
This line feels deeply painful – excruciatingly painful – a channel of pain blocked by resistance and hatred.
I now realize why attempts of the past week to bring in a missing part of myself have been premature and frustrating. Prior to today, I have only been giving rational-mind lip service to the real problem.
The hatred that pushed these parts out of my field continues to exist – having been deeply suppressed beneath my conscious awareness.
My next task is now quite clear.
Put on Hold
Alas, as soon as I identify the real cause of my shutdown – and it is me – the chocolate ceremony must come to a close. There is no time to delve profoundly into the deep emotional pain that has just been exposed. Yes, a few minor tears are shed, a few feelings of anger are briefly accessed, and loving recognition begins to flow – but all must be put on hold.
“I need a private appointment to go deeper into this.” I ask Keith, hoping that a time slot might be open in the next few days. “Most of the related issues that need to be discussed are far too personal of a nature for an open group anyway.”
“How about tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m.?” Keith asks with a grin.
I love how the Universe works.
As Wednesday evening, March 16, enters the record books, I am eager and anxious to dig into the deep and personal issue of an anvil scorned. I am so very ready to begin the healing process necessitated by a life-long shutdown of my creative energies.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved