I cannot believe it is already April. It seems extremely likely that Keith will be leaving for Canada in just eight days. For several months he has been mentioning the possibility of beginning an international tour sometime in April. For weeks Keith has been talking about how someone has extended an offer to fly him to eastern Canada. Of course, nothing is certain just yet – but as Keith’s probable departure date of April 9th approaches, a portion of my heart begins to tie itself into tight crinkly knots.
“Can I continue doing this type of work on my own?” This part of me ponders with fear. “I don’t feel prepared. I don’t feel capable. I can’t possibly grow and progress in my healing path without Keith here to help me. What will I do?”
“But I trust the flow of my path implicitly,” Another part responds confidently. “The Universe has shown me time and time again that I am indeed creating my own reality … that whatever I need for my healing happens exactly as I need it to. If I need Keith to remain here in San Marcos to help me then the Universe will make it so … if not, I fully trust that whatever I do need will show up in my life with perfect timing.
“Keith,” I tell him one day in group, “I am manifesting that your trip will fall through, and that you will remain here in San Marcos for a little longer.”
“You’re not the only one that is manifesting that.” Serg quickly pipes in.
Keith just smiles. He too is simply following the flow.
A Mixed Start
“Brenda, how are you doing?” Keith asks me near the beginning of our Friday afternoon ceremony.
“I have a little pain in my lower chakras, but I am feeling more clarity in my head … as if more opening is beginning to take place.” I respond.
“Use that clarity to go back down into the density.” Keith immediately guides me. “Go right back into experiencing the pain to see where the light takes you.”
I have no idea what to expect. I take Keith’s instructions quite literally, but before I have an opportunity to get very far in the process, I instead find myself working in different areas of the magical porch, sharing loving energy with others.
At one point I briefly place my left hand on the center of Joy’s back. She tells me that she feels a lot of warm energy rushing into her back at the exact spot of my hand. I love how her feed back sooths my self-doubt.
A Strange Connection
For weeks I have been quietly observing and resisting the strange healing relationship that seems to be unfolding between Serg and myself.
Today, as I briefly return to rest on my large pillow, Serg begins to enter another deep layer of emotional pain. Checking in with my heart while reminiscing about how Serg has recently assisted my own process, I decide it is time to bury my hesitations and to allow myself to work more closely with his energy.
I start off slow and tentative. Sitting cross-legged on the floor near Serg’s left side, I place one hand on his left knee, open my heart and imagine myself sending him powerful unconditional love.
“My left side is now open,” Serg eventually comments, “but my right side is still blocked.”
Responding to this cue, I increase my confidence and scoot directly in front of Serg, placing one of my hands on each of his knees. After a short while, Serge again opens his mouth to speak.
“My right side is now open too,” Serg announces calmly, “but I am still having a very hard time connecting to my heart.”
Intuition tells me to place one of my hands directly on the center of Serg’s heart chakra. I momentarily resist this internal guidance, desperately not wanting to give him the wrong idea. Soon my right hand is resting warmly, directly in the center of Serg’s chest, while my left hand remains on his right knee. Occasionally I move my right hand slightly, responding to the whispering intuitions that seem to be guiding me.
Tears of Joy
“Serg, as the adult you now are, go back in time and be a teacher for your child.” Keith begins to guide Serg in meditation. “This will help to literally change the past.”
As Serge begins his own process, I do the same, going back in time as the adult Brenda, visualizing myself sitting in front of my own self as a child, providing love and guidance to that frightened and confused little boy.
Tears begin to stream down my cheeks – but they are not tears of sadness, these are tears of joyful loving connection with the child of my past. As I experience the joy, I feel a powerful current of unconditional love flowing out of my hand and into Serg’s heart. I deeply recognize the synchronous healing connection that exists between us – the common journey through which both Serg and I are passing. In this moment, all former judgments that I have been carrying about Serg seem to melt away like ice cubes thrown into a hot fire.
By now, the tears are quite profuse, causing much of my upper body to shake, including my right hand that continues to rest on Serg’s heart.
Keith soon interjects a verbal observation.
“Isn’t it interesting how two people who can’t be in relationships are working together and helping each other through the healing process?”
Keith’s words both surprise and warm my heart. Yes, indeed, I do continue to tear down one wall after another – walls that prevent me from allowing another person inside my heart.
I feel a deep healing and unconditionally-loving bond with Serg as I continue to cry streams of tears – tears of joy that simply will not be contained.
Feedback Request
“Keith,” I soon beg as my work with Serg is complete. “Can you provide me any type of feedback or running commentary regarding what just took place in my interaction with Serg?”
“Brenda,” Keith again frustrates me. “There is nothing I can tell you that your heart doesn’t already know.
However, as ceremony finally reaches a conclusion, Keith does tell me and one other woman that we did some beautiful, loving, and peace-filled work on the porch today.
I don’t know why I crave Keith’s feedback. Perhaps it is because strong inner doubts continue to chatter. Outside feedback always has a way of temporarily soothing those doubts.
Frustrated Writing, Perfect Flow
Saturday disappears quickly into nothingness. After spending most of the day attempting to help a new friend recover a lost passport, I barely have time to do a little writing. But that is OK. Even as the Universe seems to intentionally delay all my attempts at focused writing, something in my heart gently reassures me that everything is perfect, exactly as it needs to be.
Looking back in hindsight, that wisdom is quite clear.
Gazing Eyes
I have recently discovered the powerful healing connection of an unbroken loving gaze.
Sunday afternoon, as none of my own issues surface at the beginning of ceremony, I again focus on sharing with others. My heart continues to strengthen and overflow with powerful love – an unconditional love so strong that I simply share it freely, not the least bit concerned by whether it is received or not by others.
As I do so, I briefly ponder a metaphor I have often heard Keith use – one of a butler at a social gathering. As the butler carries his tray around the party, he is simply doing his job. The butler is not the least bit attached to whether someone consumes the gifts he so freely shares. He just makes the food available, allowing the guests to pick and choose what they will receive and consume.
As I share my heart freely, I begin to make occasional eye contact with various people on the porch. Some are eager to receive, and quickly engage me in a heart-focused gaze. As I stare deeply into these beautiful eyes while simultaneously seeing into their hearts, I sense a deep exchange of God-like unconditional love flowing between us.
Today, there is one woman who processes huge amounts of grief. As she finishes her outpouring of profound tears and sorrow, she begins to connect with the light. Her gaze is particularly mesmerizing. We lock eyes and share gazes for what must be at least thirty unbroken minutes – a long period of unconditionally-loving intimacy that does not feel the least bit awkward.
A Painful Heart
Near the end of ceremony, Serg begins to access some deep emotional pain. As he does so, I reach out from across the porch, using my own heart energy to connect with Serg’s pain. I initially experience a loving connection that bubbles with childlike joy. I feel as if my heart is expanding to yet another level of unconditionally-loving power. I begin to briefly giggle as I feel the powerful loving sensation course through me.
Suddenly, I experience an extremely sharp pain exactly in the center of my heart chakra, directly on top of the sternum.
“Keith,” I beg for clarity, “what is happening with this pain in my heart?”
“Go down inside,” Keith coaches me as he has often done, “Sit with the pain and ask it to tell you what it is all about.”
“The pain is trying to stop me from opening my heart too much.” I reply intuitively as the words just flow off my tongue. “My heart is afraid that it will get hurt if I open it up too far, too fast.”
“It feels as if I were stabbed here in the heart sometime in the past.” I intuitively speculate.
“What I am saying feels stupid.” I then confess to Keith. “I don’t know if it is correct … I am not sure if I can trust this intuition.”
“It doesn’t sound stupid to me or to anyone else here on the porch who has ever had their heart broken.” Keith replies confidently.
Shared Pain
To my shock and surprise, Serg quickly announces that he too is feeling the exact same pain, right in the center of his own heart chakra.
As the ceremony gradually comes to a conclusion, the sharp pain that both Serg and I feel gradually subsides, as if in unison. Somehow, the two of us are energetically joined together.
Serg and I are so absolutely different from each other, yet we are somehow deeply connected as well. We both struggle with intellect and the process of surrendering rational mind in order to fully embrace the joy in our hearts – we both struggle with relationship blocks and doubts – and we have both gone through energetically-similar painful shutdowns of our childhood magical connections.
Part of me is delighted by this shared connection. Another part of me continues to judge and to reject it, resenting the mirror of myself that Serg so skillfully places in my face. I don’t like seeing my doubting rational mind being so painfully reflected back at me.
Final Private Session
Several days ago, I asked Keith to schedule a private session for me – one that would take place on Monday morning, April 4. Though nothing is yet finalized, Keith’s plans to fly to Canada are still urgently in the works. Today very well may be my final opportunity to enjoy a private session with Keith.
There are so many things I want to discuss, so many questions I want to ask, and so much closure I desire to obtain before he departs on Friday or Saturday.
My heart is bitter-sweet as I wander out toward Keith’s home at 8:50 on Monday morning. I am excited for Keith that he will be traveling and sharing what he does with people in other parts of the world. A powerful and peaceful part of me is fully confident that all is perfect – that I will be just fine – that the flow of my Higher Self will take me precisely to where I need to go next.
Yet a very unsettled ego-voice continues to fill me with doubt and terror, screaming that I will fail by myself – that there is no way I will ever be able to continue such a profound journey by myself – that the Universe is once again letting me down, shortchanging my journey by taking away the one person whom I believe can help me.
Possessive Attachment
Imagine my surprise when Serg is at Keith’s home, telling me lovingly that he too has a few issues to work on, asking me if it would be OK for him to share my private session today with Keith.
“No, Serg,” I let him down gently, “This is my private session, and I really want to spend some quality alone time talking with Keith. I don’t want to have any interruptions today.”
I do not have the heart to verbally add that I often feel very annoyed by Serg’s interruptions on the porch. Lately, it seems that every time I begin to engage in deep emotional work, Serg does the same, preempting my work and pulling Keith’s attention in a different direction. A strong part of me deeply resents such interruptions.
(Note: this is no longer how I feel, but it is exactly how I felt on April 4. Much healing has subsequently occurred.)
Today I am feeling extremely possessive of my allotted time with Keith. I will not allow any interruptions from Serg, no matter how connected our healing paths might be. I desperately want a productive and tranquil one-on-one session with Keith.
Invaded and Taken Away
Having not heard my conversation with Serg, Keith soon walks out onto his porch.
“Brenda,” Keith shocks me, “I would like to have Serg do some work today at the start of our private session. Something tells me it will be good for both of you.”
I trust Keith implicitly, and am extremely curious regarding what might happen today – but a deeply annoyed and frustrated part of me continues to agitate, feeling extremely angry and disappointed that what might likely be my final time alone with Keith is being rudely invaded and taken away from me.
Helpless Victim
Keith begins my session by guiding Serg into deep meditation regarding his own issues. Meanwhile, I start to feel increasingly angry, frustrated and nervous.
“This is MY last session with Keith,” the internal chatter screams with a megaphone in my mind, “and MY precious time is being wasted with things I do not want. What Serg is doing is not even all that important! I am not relating to his work in any way!”
Intuitively I easily recognize that my God/separation drama has again been triggered, but I am so lost in the ‘I want to be right’ emotions that I am helpless in all attempts to reconnect with love and peace.
I am projecting in a huge way – projecting all over both Serg and Keith. My own desires do not seem to be being honored by either of them. Once again I am being abandoned by both my teacher and by God.
An intense inner battle rages uncontrollably – a battle between ego and soul – and I seem to be losing on both fronts.
At a rational mind level, I easily recognize that ego’s colossal temper tantrum is totally based on attachment and lies, and that trusting Keith might definitely bring a powerful growth lesson for me – but the unbelievable influence and control of these raging emotions has me absolutely convinced that I am a victim, that I want to be a victim, that I have no choice but to be a victim.
“After all, I am right and everyone else is wrong.” The annoyed voice screams convincingly in my exhausted and confused head.
Glimpses of Love
Through it all, I remain completely silent, not expressing one feeling verbally, but the tears are beginning to flow, and there is no doubt in my mind that Keith can easily read my downward-spiraling emotional crash.
“Lighten up Brenda,” Keith quietly speaks before continuing to guide Serg in his process. “This one is on me.
“It is not about the money.” I silently pout. “Even if Keith were to pay me to sit here, I am still being victimized, having my final session with Keith unfairly taken away from me.”
The loving observer in me desperately attempts to grab hold of the reigns, struggling to pull me out of this ego stampede, guiding me back to peaceful reality.
This connected part of me begins to grasp at straws, reminding me of some of my favorite A Course In Miracles quotes – things like “I am not a victim of the world I see”, “I am never upset for the reason I think”, and “I see only the past.”
As tears continue to flow down my cheeks, Serg appears to be completely oblivious to my plight, quietly continuing with what I perceive as a stupid, meaningless process – a process simply designed to annoy and to drive me crazy.
During brief lucid moments, I regain tiny glimpses of loving empowerment – but the victimizing tears are too powerful, demanding a soapbox on which to stand and preach, demanding to be released and validated before they will allow me to move into loving empowerment.
Abandoned Again
“Where are you at in your process?” Keith finally turns attention to me after a very long time of working only with Serg.
“I am feeling deeply victimized.” I whimper through deep tears before beginning to fill Keith in on the raging emotional battle in my heart.
I refrain from verbalizing all of the gory details regarding my judgments toward Serg. After all, Serg is sitting right there and I don’t want to offend him. But I absolutely know that Keith is fully aware of what is going on inside me.
To my surprise, Keith immediately ‘abandons me’ again as he returns to work with Serg.
Those Beautiful Muppets
A brilliant idea eventually pops into my head – one I have often used when attempting to yank myself back to an unconditionally-loving space. I remind myself that the world is a stage and that everyone is simply acting out their individual roles – roles that always serve me in my healing path, if I will let them.
“I am creating this reality, and this is just an episode of The Muppet Show.” I remind myself, again and again.
I desperately attempt to imagine myself as one of the two old codgers sitting in the balcony, laughing at the silly show unfolding on the stage below.
“Wake up, Brenda,” I metaphorically shake myself. “Quit taking it all so seriously. This is just a stage play – you are just an actress repeating your lines – wake up and remember that none of this is real.”
I struggle in what feels like deep waves of bipolar combat. One second I am beginning to wake up and feel empowered by the light. In the next second, the voices drag me back into deep victimized feelings, demanding that my “rightness” to be validated.
Finally, after nearly ninety minutes of intense inner struggle, I slowly lift my head, curl my lips into a shallow smile, and look directly in Keith’s eyes.
“I think I’m back.” I mutter with a feeling of emotional exhaustion.
I really did it. I actually feel loving and empowered. I can actually laugh at what just occurred.
Empowered And Worth It
“Congratulations,” Keith grins from ear to ear. “In just a little over an hour you did something that used to take you days, weeks, months, or even possibly years.”
As I listen to Keith’s celebratory words, I am indeed quite proud of myself. He is absolutely right. I went through an entire ego loop, sinking deeply into intensely-entrenched victimization and then returning back to an unconditionally-loving state of empowerment – and I did it all in just over half of my session.
“Such a lesson would have been impossible,” I think quietly to myself, “had Keith not followed his strange guidance by coercing me into including Serg in this private session.”
The bizarre journey through which I have just passed has deeply empowered me – and yes, it was indeed totally worth it. Today I have been given a deep look into myself, into ego, and into my ability to reconnect with light and truth. Gratitude overflows in my heart.
Blending?
Almost immediately, Keith ceases to work much with Serg, and focuses a great deal of loving attention on my needs.
We discuss my deep self-doubts and lack of self-trust – including my fears about not being able to continue my journey without his incredibly inspired guidance that often leaves my rational mind completely baffled.
Keith is soon guided to tell me that the Angel Moroni will be with me for the near future, communicating with me via love and not words.
I again tell Keith that I am not fully connected with this angelic metaphor from my religious background.
“It would be most helpful for you to simply allow a blending with Moroni.” Keith encourages me. “Allow your heart energies to blend with his heart energies. It will be very healing for you, especially given that your childhood shutdown was mostly done by religious energies that were directly related to Moroni.”
“What do you mean by blending?” I ask curiously. I have never before heard Keith use this term.
Keith goes on to respond that it is a merging, an intermixing of energies, and a sharing. He tells me that it is kind of like an actual relationship with a real person, but this relationship will be with an angel. It will allow me to learn to trust, to share, to feel, to experience, and to be present in a way that is like a real relationship.
“I am getting that this type of loving relationship is what you need right now.” Keith reassures me.
Channeling Love
“I still want you to help me learn how to channel.” I beg Keith.
“You are already channeling love right now.” Keith responds. “The words will come in time, but what you need right now is the love.”
“In the past, angels have been to you like monsters and demons.” Keith adds. “You have been terrified by any type of religious-sounding energy, because those energies were partially responsible for your shutdown.”
As I ponder Keith’s words, I know he is correct. I will benefit greatly by simply allowing the divine energies to love me. Receiving such unconditional love will greatly assist me with doubts and trust issues.
Big Stuff
“Congratulations for a very high level of processing this morning.” Keith tells me as our time together rapidly fades.
Keith then reminds me that when someone nears the end of their healing, the ego patterns and loops throw themselves at that person with increased intensity and frequency. Deep fear causes the ego to ramp everything up a notch out of sheer desperation.
“This is big stuff.” Keith grins at me. “You are nearing the end of some powerful growth in your awakening process.”
Keith’s words are both specific and vague at the same time. I am indeed very proud of myself – yes, I am nearing the end of some very powerful growth. But I also know intuitively that I have just begun, simply slipping up another level and starting over with the next process.
Trust The Flow
When the Monday afternoon chocolate ceremony soon gets underway, I still have a headache, pain in my solar plexus, and slightly hurting knees – all of which were discussed this morning, but none of which had time to be addressed.
As I look around the porch, there is no doubt that the people who have shown up are here precisely because I need them here, and I am anxious to discover how the stage play will unfold. I lovingly trust that my issues will be addressed exactly as they need to be.
Almost immediately, Keith focuses in on continuing to work with me. We further discuss my rapid cycling of up and down moods.
“I continue to feel a great deal of self-doubt, being unsure of myself in deciphering all the tiny metaphors in my own process.” I tell Keith. “Like the headache and solar plexus pain which continue to follow me around during every ceremony.”
Keith reminds me that I just need to do all of the things I already do on the porch every day, simply trusting the flow of my process. I intuitively recognize that Keith is about to move on to work with someone else, again encouraging me to find my own answers.
Seconds later, Keith does indeed switch to work with another woman.
Mirrored Questions
To my delight, almost every question that the woman asks is correlated to the exact doubts with which I continue to struggle.
In an extended conversation, Keith gives this woman beautiful and powerful advice about overcoming her insecurities and about being in her energies with confidence.
I clearly recognize that the Universe is cleverly disguising the answers and encouragement that I need in a beautiful mirror, pretending that the wisdom is for someone else. But I know better. I know that I am simply watching my own stage play, and that every word spoken to that woman is directed right at me. I love how it all unfolds.
Keith soon does more powerful work with Serg and another man on the porch. Everything discussed again seems to be perfectly scripted around my ongoing doubts and struggles. I am blown away at how all of my fears are being addressed right in front of me. I get to simply observe and absorb.
But part of me is beginning to deeply struggle with mind-boggling distractions.
Ego’s Desperate Stand
“Brenda, this is perfect.” Keith soon tells me as I describe my unexpected struggle with distraction.
It seems as if I am again cycling in and out of mood swings, up and down, faster and faster, struggling to remain focused in what I am doing.
“You are in a very high level of observation and awareness.” Keith continues to validate what I am doing. “You are very near the end of a cycle, and your ego-self is bombarding you with every last-ditch attempt that it can muster to throw you off course.”
At times I feel very loving and empowered, but mostly I feel lost and lacking confidence, simply not trusting myself. As I focus on my heart, it almost feels dead. There is very little energy flowing in my heart chakra.
Depths of Shutdown
Confusion again overwhelms me when Keith asks me to connect with one gentleman in the room who is particularly stuck right now.
“Brenda,” Keith guides me, “open up some shutters in front of your heart and allow yourself to connect with him. Something powerful will open up that might seem quite frightening at first.”
“Well, what are you feeling?” Keith inquires.
“Nothing.” I respond glumly. “I am so absolutely shutdown that I feel almost dead. I cannot feel anything at all.”
“What you are feeling is his own shutdown.” Keith surprises me.
Keith is right, the experience is quite frightening. As I connect with my friend, I have become so shut down that I simply cannot feel anything. I was totally unaware that what I was feeling are his feelings and not my own.
Nail In The Heart
Suddenly I again begin to feel a familiar and very deep and sharp pain exactly in the center of my heart chakra, directly atop the sternum. This time, I remember older work that I once did with Keith – processing in which I once recognized that I had been crucified by my religion – that my childhood shutdown literally felt as if a nail had been driven into the center of my heart, all in the name of God.
“This really hurts.” I tell Keith, feeling quite puzzled as to why it is now resurfacing.
“Your friend there has the same pain.” Keith points at the man with whom I am connecting energetically.
“Allow yourself to more deeply connect with his pain and see what happens.” Keith continues.
“Ouch!” I exclaim in shock. “It feels at least ten to one-hundred times more painful than my own pain. This is horrible.”
I am shocked by the pain that my friend is carrying and quickly develop a new sense of empathy for what he is passing through.
“This could be quite a handy skill to develop.” I ponder to myself. “But for it to be really helpful, I have to get more out of my own way, to first process my own issues more deeply so that I will be able to more easily discern just who’s pain it is that I am dealing with.”
I next make a haphazard attempt at removing the nail in my own heart via meditation – but as I pull and pull and pull, the nail never seems to leave my chest. It seems as if the nail goes on forever, and will not allow me to remove it completely at this time.
Am I An Empath?
“Brenda,” Keith interrupts my process with the nail. “Can you feel yourself assisting your friend, helping to release his emotional densities while sending them to the angels for transmutation?”
“Not really.” I reply honestly. “I was focusing on what was happening with my nail.”
“Put your hands right here.” Keith coaches me. “What do you feel?”
“I feel a heavy energy in my hands, with a slight pressure on the left side. And I faintly feel an energy moving upward out of my fingers.” I tell Keith.
“That’s it.” Keith replies.
“Are you saying that I can move energy like an empath?” I ask Keith with surprise.
“No, I’m not saying that.” Keith responds. “What I am doing is SHOWING you how you ARE moving that energy right now.”
I continue to go through the motions of the energy-moving process – but I still do not fully trust myself. My energy sensations are quite weak right now, and I still want to remove the nail.
The Nail Remains
As I focus considerable effort on attempting to energetically extract the nail from my heart, a new intuitive awareness floods my consciousness.
“This nail represents my ability to be a victim and martyr who was crucified by my religion.” I tell Keith. “Removing the nail represents the end of that victimhood. A part of me is resisting, frightened that I will no longer be able to identify with that label.”
“You are not ready yet,” Keith responds, “at least not today. You can do it later when you are ready.”
Ping Pong Balls
I remind Keith about a persistent headache in the area of my third-eye chakra.
“Can you help me with that?” I beg. “Or do I just need to allow it and observe it?”
“Let’s explore it again.” Keith surprises me with a positive response.
“Ask your headache to get worse, and then tell me what you feel.” Keith again provides completely unexpected guidance.
As I meditate, the pain immediately morphs into a powerful physical metaphor.
“I feel a lot of strong and painful chaotic energies bouncing around in my head.” I answer with deep confusion. “These are the same energies that shut me down as a child – the same ones that I felt so strongly last week.”
“This is your own self continuing to shut you down with internally generated energies.” Keith soon fills me in.
Keith further explains that my own energies have taken over in enforcing the rules and the painful shutdown that was originally caused by my parents and religion. This statement deeply registers in my heart as being true. It has long been my belief that once the rule books are programmed into us that we ourselves take over as the enforcers of those rules.
Keith then briefly reminds me of his own metaphor of “ping pong balls in a boxcar”, telling me that he often experienced this type of chaotic confusion in his own life – just that he called it something else and used different metaphors to describe it.
An Old Bearded Man
“Who is generating those internal chaotic energies?” Keith asks.
“I don’t know.” I reply after attempting to connect with the source in meditation.
“Go deeper inside and find out.” Keith encourages again.
“I’m seeing an old bearded religious figure.” I soon reply. “But it doesn’t feel right because Mormon’s don’t wear beards.”
“No,” Keith counters my doubts, “go with the bearded figure … trust yourself … that is correct.”
Keith continues to teach me that the energy metaphorically represented by this bearded old man is the energy that I put in charge of shut-down duty years and years ago.
“This old man is very loyal to you,” Keith tells me, “His function is programmed deeply into your subconscious. He is a very real energy that needs a new job description.”
Return To Shutdown
“Go and sit with him.” Keith guides me. “Ask him if he wants a new job.”
At first, the answer I get is no. The old man won’t even listen to me. He will not even acknowledging my presence.
“Tell the old man that if he doesn’t listen to you that you will bring in the angels to fry him.” Keith confuses me with completely unexpected advice.
“What did you say?” I ask Keith with a shocked grin. “I can’t imagine you ever asking the light to fry anything! The light would never do that.”
“It got his attention didn’t it?” Keith chuckles.
As I further meditate, the old man listens to my proposals, but continues to fill my head with pounding chaotic energy, desperately trying to shut me down.
“Ask your Higher Self to come in and talk to him for his job retraining.” Keith coaches me.
As I visualize this process, I still feel nothing changing.
“Go back into your childhood shutdown again.” Keith again shocks me.
“Didn’t we do this just last week?” I ask with doubt-filled surprise and confusion.
Teaching Layer Patience
“Yes, but this is another layer.” Keith guides me further. “You need to keep doing layer after layer until you are done.”
Keith points out that I continually ask the same questions, “aren’t I done yet?”, or “haven’t I already done this?”
“You are done when you are done.” Keith emphasizes firmly. “This is a lesson to teach you patience so that when you work with others who also require equal numbers of layers, you will be able to understand and love them through their own processes – and you will be able to tell them the same things over and over with loving patience.”
I briefly recall how I have indeed judged one specific woman in my life for the number of times she kept repeatedly returning to the same issues. Suddenly, I watch my judgment of this woman simply disappear.
Shutdown Or Bust
Seconds later, as I surrender to Keith’s instructions, I am again overwhelmed by the panic and pain of chaotic energies. But this time the energies are pounding me only in the head.
“Call in the Angel Moroni again to put a protective bubble around your inner child.” Keith guides me. “This will allow that younger-you to understand the bombardment energies, but to not internalize those energies nor to shut down because of them.”
“How does that feel in your head?” Keith inquires.
“The energies are still pounding me.” I reply in pain.
“Now ask that child to bring the protective bubble forward in time, to protect you.” Keith further guides me.”
The energies calm greatly, almost immediately.
As I return home Monday evening, my mind is boggled by what has turned out to be a completely unexpected series of events.
Facing The Doubts
For days if not weeks, huge flash floods of doubt have increasingly rampaged through my mind as Keith’s expected departure rapidly approaches.
My healing journey of the last few days has literally pushed and pulled me all over the emotional roadmap. It seems that this old friend called ‘Doubt’ invariably shows up everywhere that I go, standing at every intersection, sitting on every bridge, floating down every river, and living in each and every town on the map.
After an amazing roller coaster ride through God dramas, childhood shutdown, emotional layers, and experiencing the actual emotional pain of others, my old friend continues to show his face.
But amazingly, I am becoming quite confident in recognizing him as the deceptive liar that he is. This old friend no longer has as much influence in my decision making process. The moment I recognize his face, I merely ask him to leave.
I love the self-trust that gradually builds in my heart – a heart that overflows with confidence, reassuring me that no matter where my path takes me in the future, that I will be well guided.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved