It seems that even on my days off from inner work, I can no longer escape the inner journey that continues to nudge me, grabbing my hand and taking me ever deeper at every turn.
Refund Requested
In the wee hours of Saturday morning, I awaken from a strange dream involving family members back home. As I immediately meditate on the details, I begin to recognize that I see the concept of love through cloudy filtered lenses. It seems that deep in my subconscious I believe that love in this world automatically equals responsibility and commitment – that I cannot fully love someone without committing to forever sacrifice a precious portion of my time and freedom, of my financial and emotional resources, and of my capacity to follow my own journey.
I know I know … it is a bizarre belief, but it does indeed seem to mirror past dysfunctional patterns of my life – the extreme reluctance to reach out to new people in an unconditionally loving way because of fears that our lives may become too entangled, causing me to feel guilty or burdened.
“What if we become close friends?” I subconsciously panic. “Then I will be obligated to stay in touch and to do the things that society dictates that friends are supposed to do for each other.”
“It is better to isolate and withdraw from social opportunities so as not to attract too many new friends.” I further explore this old belief. “Otherwise my life will be consumed by the demands of others and I will never be able to follow my own path.”
I laugh at myself as I realize how utterly dysfunctional this belief has been in my life – a twisted absolute-knowing that love equals burdens – that love equals eventual loss of self-identity. Perhaps it is time to return this totally defective belief back to the societal-store where it was purchased, demanding a full refund.
Another Life Rule
“I must have another rule in my subconscious rulebook.” I think sleepily to myself.
Soon, I guide myself deep into the recesses of my mind, searching for the room with the pedestal and book on top. When I glance at the open page, sure enough I feel the presence of a rule that absolutely insists that love will imprison me with lifelong obligations and commitments.
Throughout this meditation, ego seems determined to make me fail. I fight to remain awake, momentarily falling asleep at least five or six times. Each time that I briefly return to a waking state, I again attempt to pick up where I left off.
Three times I envision myself ripping these metaphorical pages out of the rule book. Three times I struggle to remain conscious while systematically destroying those pages in fun and creative ways.
Metaphorical Computer Maintenance
Before returning to dreamland, I allow the meditation to proceed even deeper. I am guided to visualize my physical brain as being a computer, having a metaphorical “task-manager” program that keeps track of what programs are currently running.
The metaphor causes me to giggle as I picture these little nerdy-angels running around in my brain – yet I know the process to be actually communicating with real subconscious belief-system energies. Were it not for the fact that I soon fall asleep, I may have continued this delightful meditation for several more hours.
Beautiful Glimpses
After a beautiful day of writing, I again find myself drifting in and out of meditative states all throughout Saturday night. At times I am delighted by spontaneous energy flow in my spinal and back regions – but the flow is not consistent and I intuitively sense the existence of many blockages.
“Perhaps …,” I ponder peacefully, “just perhaps the Universe is giving me glimpses of what I have to look forward to in the future, while simultaneously reminding me that much work remains before such beautiful energy flow will become an integrated part of my path.”
A Brick Wall
I cannot imagine a more delightful way to spend Easter morning than to be blessed with over three hours of inspiring Skype conversation with several beloved friends back home – followed by another couple of hours to simply meditate and rest before what I anticipate may be an intense chocolate ceremony.
“Wow, Brenda,” Keith briefly comments at the start of the meditation segment of our afternoon ceremony. “You seem to be finding much more peace in your meditative silence today.”
Throughout the meditation, I calmly search for some type of metaphorical thread onto which I might grab and begin to follow. I continue to feel cloudy and blocked in my forehead, with mild-but-sharp pain manifesting itself just above the belly button. But try as I might, I cannot seem to garnish any further insights to lead me deeper. I feel stuck, at the end of an alley with no where to go.
As Keith begins to work with a woman from Australia, it becomes quite clear that he is leading her down the path of recognizing her lifelong struggles with having been an empath – someone who unknowingly sucked up the emotional densities of everyone around her, painfully storing them inside of her own body.
In the meantime, I continue to hit a brick wall in my attempts to further unravel the threads of my own meditative journey.
No Pressures Please
“Bring in your little child to help you identify the ongoing cause of your confusion.” Keith finally guides me during a quick check-in.
“What is she showing you?” Keith soon inquires.
Immediately, I notice that my hands and body are tightly clenching. Simultaneously, I am overwhelmed with an intuitive rush of knowing, telling me that I am still trying to shut down the energies, trying to protect myself from something.
“It has something to do with the empath stuff.” I feel my little inner child whisper.
“Go inside and ask her what she needs.” Keith coaches.
“She needs my love, patience, and understanding.” I respond after briefly meditating. “She cannot handle the pressure of demands and expectations.”
Prickly Poking To Participate
While Keith continues working with this empath woman from Australia, I continue to remain deep in my own meditative journey, intuitively listening to the feelings of little Sharon. This precocious little inner child of mine is deeply interested in rediscovering her own empath abilities, but without the pressure to perform. As the conversation across the porch continues, little Sharon is feeling quite agitated, causing painful vibrations to prickle and poke in my abdomen.
When Keith begins the three-part empath training, he specifically looks in my direction and asks me to follow along – making it known that this is important for me. Little Sharon immediately insists that she is an empath and that she is the one who will be participating in the training – just as her male counterpart, Bobby, had excitedly done a few days ago.
Phase One – Eating It
In phase one of the empath training, Keith first reassures everyone that this is a demonstration for training purposes – telling them that the emotional densities they will feel are real, but that they can be undone at any moment.
Keith adds that the purpose of this first phase is to help the empath to open awareness – an awareness that has often been shutdown or repressed – an awareness into how they may be unknowingly doing this now, or perhaps may have done it in the past.
Keith asks the person being trained to connect with an enlightened being in front of them, one with whom they have a longstanding relationship. As the being begins to supply them with a steady stream of emotional densities, the trainee will allow those densities to enter his or her own body. The person will “metaphorically eat” the densities just as they have done throughout their entire life.
Immediately I feel an intense emotional pain swelling in my abdomen. As I do so, I sense Sharon’s deep recognition of having consumed this type of pain as a child, stuffing down huge repositories of such emotional density – density that was so horrible that she literally shut down the entire ability from her conscious awareness, completely blocking all empath abilities in a desperate attempt at survival.
Tears bubble in the corners of my eyes as I contemplate the intensity of what I now feel boiling inside.
“Where do you feel the energies entering your body?” Keith asks. “And where do you store them?”
“Entering through my heart chakra,” I respond on behalf of Sharon, “and I feel as if it is going straight to my second and third chakras where it is being painfully stuffed away deep in my abdomen.”
Phase Two – Running It Through You
As training shifts to phase two, Keith again reminds everyone that this is merely a demonstration that can be stopped and undone at any time. What is about to happen can be quite disconcerting to some people.
“The being in front of you is now going to supply you with ten times the amount of emotional density that you have ever eaten at any one tine in your entire life.” Keith begins the process.
He then explains that the trainee will allow the density to pass through their body, but will not eat it, not storing it anywhere in their field. Instead, they will feel it passing right through them, without touching them, either going up to the angels, or flowing down into Mother Earth – or perhaps both. Keith often instructs people to meditatively follow the density wherever it flows as an exercise in validating that the angels and Mother Earth do indeed know how to transmute all of that painful emotional energy into pure white light.
As Sharon and I perform this step together, I feel a weak flow of energy entering in through my heart, passing through my abdomen, and being directed down toward the earth. Some in the group feel the energy quite profoundly, but my lower channels remain quite blocked. Doubt begins to consume my mind as I start to feel inadequate, incapable of the increased sensitivity and awareness that seem to come so easily to others.
I remember how Sharon was nervous about not wanting to be pressured to perform.
Phase Three – Straight To Its Higher Evolvement
Keith again reminds everyone that this is merely a demonstration as we quickly slip into phase three of the training.
“The being in front of you is now going to supply you with one-hundred times the amount of emotional density that you have ever experienced at any one time in your whole life.” Keith begins.
He then explains that, for the purpose of this process, the energy will not even enter our body. As the densities exit the being and start to come toward us, we will direct them to go straight to their destination, whether that is up or down, so that they can be transmuted directly by the angels or Mother Earth without ever needing to even touch us.
While others seem to sense powerful energetic flows in front of them, Sharon and I again only experience a very mild sensitivity to the energy – but we do feel it flowing gently outside, going down to the earth, and I also feel my own inner densities lightening considerably as many of my own heavy energies seem to leave my body and join with the flow.
Not Servants
As the training nears completion, Keith explains that the time for eating the emotional densities is now over – that we have received all the training we need in eating painful dense energies – that there is no longer anything to be learned by consuming someone else’s pain and storing it inside. We are now free to choose – to continue hurting or to learn to use the divine assistance that has always been waiting to assist.
Keith tells us that we each have divine beings who are always ready and eager to assist.
“They do not expect you to be their servants.” Keith strongly emphasizes. “Instead, they are there to serve you, just waiting for you to request their assistance – to ask them to move the energy densities for you.”
Keith goes on to clarify that no divine being will ever push us in our process (except possibly our own Higher Self in extreme circumstances) – and that initially we are required to ask for assistance before it will be provided.
Considering Possibilities
As little Sharon and I finish the training, I sit for a while in stunned silence.
“Keith,” I inquisitively ask a while later, “is it really possible for my little child to have been an empath all these years without me even knowing it?”
“Is it actually possible that I have been so energetically shut down that such awareness would not show up until over fifty years later?” I prod for answers.
“Yes, Brenda,” Keith smiles with loving assurance, “that is very possible.”
Intuitively, the inner voices are strongly shouting that this is exactly what happened to me – that what happened today was real.
I can only trust the intuitions, while simultaneously thanking the doubts for keeping me humble and ever questioning.
One thing is absolutely certain. The energy channels in my body remain deeply clogged and sporadic.
Powerful experiences continue to show me tantalizing glimpses of where I am headed, encouraging me to continue my magical pursuits – but weak sensitivity and energy flow let me know that much work remains to be done before I arrive at the expansive beaches of that mystical ocean.
Emotional Treasures
As if on cue, Keith’s magical porch again clears by 3:50 p.m., leaving only Keith, me, and Serg. Curiosity fills my heart as I contemplate what opportunities might next unfold.
It seems that the processing today has deeply triggered my friend. Serg is struggling with emotional pain that he has never before been able to release. His yogic training, while powerful in the movement of energies, has been all about techniques, mudras, mantras, and the like. No matter how many times Serg clears the energy from his body using methods of his yogic training, the blockages always return.
As I understand it, and as Keith also confirms, our most painful emotional journeys are not by accident. We ourselves planned our life circumstances to include getting lost in what we often might see as emotional nightmares – deep struggles with emotional densities that cover unseen and hidden treasure chests of wisdom and understanding.
When we carry such heavy loads of emotional density, these painful energies cannot simply be removed by non-emotional energy work. Yes, the densities may go away for a day or two, but they will always return because they have something profound to teach us.
It is not until we go into them, feeling them to the bottom (the process varies for everyone), that we are finally able to pry the lid off the treasure chest of this powerful personal growth – the most important growth that we came to this world to achieve.
Emotional Serg-eries
Dear Serg is deeply lost in his pain – hopelessly lost in the feeling that he will never be free of it – and desperately confused as to why he cannot accomplish such a task using rational mind and yogic techniques.
Keith and I both take opportunities to share our own wisdom and insights into the matter. I just giggle as I recognize that Keith and I say almost the exact same things in different ways … but for some reason Serg seems to give more weight to my words because I have a Master’s Degree in the world of psychological understanding – even though Keith has far more experience in helping others than do I.
I encourage Serg to do something that terrifies him – to trust me and to dive deeply into the world of experiential emotional release – something that I find quite easy given my background of nearly eight years of personally doing it on a frequent basis – something that I have witnessed as bringing profound results both to myself and to countless others.
“But Brenda,” Serg begs through fear-filled tears. “How do it do it? And why do I have to do it?”
The thought of expressing long-buried emotions, whether publicly or privately, brings up huge walls of resistance. Our society teaches that childhood pain, or adult traumas from years past, are best left undisturbed. We are led to believe that reopening old wounds will simply stir things up, making them worse, causing unneeded pain to contaminate the present.
It is even more difficult for most men.
“Just tough it up and be strong.” We tell young boys when they start to cry.
Apologies Of Privacy
I am thrilled at having the opportunity – a beautiful opportunity to help coach a dear friend as he searches for the courage to possibly embrace a non-structured, non-rational, right-brained approach toward the process of emotional healing.
I will not further breech the privacy of my friend. He is brave and courageous, and I not only admire his profound energy gifts, but also his determination to heal his own life in new and deeper less-logical ways.
Yes, I have disguised his name, but Serg and those who know him will definitely know I am referring to him. I deeply pray that my friend will forgive me for these candid words – words that I am strongly guided need to be shared in my writing.
Mirrored Magic
Both Keith and I continue to work with Serg. I love the process of assisting, but I am also filled with gratitude as I clearly recognize that these two long hours actually seem perfectly designed to give me what I myself need.
As Serge furthers his own process – a process that involves discovering his powerlessness and taking back that power – I also begin to recognize how much of my own personal power has been pushed out of my body and relegated to others. But in attempting to reenergize my solar plexus, I intuitively recognize that I have other healing that must first occur.
An Easter Metaphor
As this beautiful Easter afternoon is about to end, I am blown away by the clarity of the magic unfolding around me. I can unmistakably see how Serg is profoundly mirroring my own issues back to me, and how his presence on the porch is exactly what I need to stimulate and to trigger my own healing processes.
I giggle at the thought as I stroll home shortly before dark.
After devouring leftover pizza and a peanut butter and honey sandwich, I feel quite energized, quickly immersing myself in the magic of a Harry Potter movie.
“Could it be that magic actually lives inside of me?” I ponder as I finally rest on my pillow. “Is there really a magical theme park locked away in my head, just waiting for me to wake up?
“And is it really possible that I actually was an empath as a tiny child?” I ponder into dreamland. “Could I have been so traumatized by the confusing emotional energies of others that I completely repressed it all?”
I cannot help but contemplate an amazing Easter metaphor as I ponder the possibilities that divine magic, once martyred by cultural, religious, and societal programming, is in the process of magically resurrecting itself.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved