I can only giggle at how my journey with chaotic noise has shifted so powerfully. As Easter Sunday fades into darkness, the local “Feria” has now cranked up the volume to serious party mode.
This annual town fair is a loud and noisy birthday celebration in honor of San Marcos’s patron saint, Saint Mark. For a couple of weeks now, the street in front of the basketball court has filled up with vendor booths – vendors selling everything from alimentos (food) to zapatos (shoes).
Music sounds chaotically from every direction. Firework bombs blast and boom randomly and loudly throughout the skies – often as early as 4:00 a.m. and as late as midnight.
Chaotic Vibrating Noise
But the real noise is from the concerts that begin just after dark in the basketball court. Two large stages have been erected. Directly adjacent to one stage, less than fifty yards from my bedroom window, are two huge arrays of speakers, each consisting of thirty giant black speaker-boxes stacked wide and tall. Just one of those speakers is enough to blast intense vibrating sound in my direction. Sixty of them are deafening, physically shaking my entire second-floor apartment.
I cannot help but giggle as I lie back on my bed late on Easter evening. While attempting to watch another Harry Potter movie I use both hands to hold little external computer speakers up to my ears, one on each side. Even with these speakers cranked up to maximum volume, just an inch away from my eardrums, I can barely distinguish the sounds of the movie over the intense vibrations of blaring concert sounds echoing through the air space around me.
To my shock and amazement, ear plugs barely make a dent in the noise. I have experienced a few loud rock concerts back home while inside of a huge indoor arena with ear-splitting body-vibrating sound – yet the deafening noise in my bedroom tonight makes those concerts seem wimpy.
Peaceful Surprise
To my shock and amazement, I do not feel the least bit agitated. I am actually able to drift peacefully to sleep by simply imagining that the loud vibrations – vibrations that relentlessly pound my body – are actually something I desire and enjoy. It is as if I had put a few quarters in the vibrating bed of a cheap motel back in the 1970s and I am simply enjoying the relaxing buzzing sensations.
When I wake up briefly at 12:45 a.m., I am quite delighted that I slept nearly three hours under such extreme conditions. Yes, the earth-shattering noise remains at full volume as my walls and bed continue to shake, but I have actually been sleeping. I giggle when the concert finally ceases at 1:00 a.m. because I was expecting it to continue on till almost 4:00 a.m. as the concerts did last year when I first arrived in San Marcos.
I have to admit that I am a little more tired than usual when I wake up on Monday morning – but I am delighted at how I am learning to peacefully ignore noises that would have once driven me toward insanity.
An Energy Playground
As I arrive early for the afternoon chocolate ceremony on Monday, April 25, I note that I am still a little energetically shut down in both the forehead and my abdomen. Perhaps void or dead might be better words. I feel absolutely no higher energy flow in either area.
As I step into Keith’s kitchen to say hello, I discover Keith and Serg in deep meditation while electronically connected via Skype to a gentleman in Israel. Keith briefly fills me in on the fact that they are jointly exploring the process of remote energetic assistance – assistance in moving the energies and emotional densities of their friend in Israel.
As I briefly participate in the process, I feel considerable vibration in my neck – one of the areas that Keith and Serg had been working on with their friend.
Both Keith and Serg seem to be having a delightful time as they play with the possibilities.
Clenching Resistance
“You know that energy stuff you were doing when I got here?” I tentatively ask Keith at the start of ceremony. “Do you think it would be possible for the two of you to do the same thing with me, right here on the porch? I would love some further assistance in clearing out the densities in my solar plexus.”
I half expect Keith to respond with a “No” as he momentarily checks with my guides.
“All of us here are going to focus on helping Brenda.” Keith soon surprises me with this announcement to the group.
“We are going to connect with her and see what we can do.” Keith continues.
As the energy of everyone focuses in my direction, I begin to feel a light flow of emotional density leaving my body – but even more strongly I recognize that something in me is deeply clenching and resisting, terrified to let go.
As I ponder further, I feel my little Sharon desperately clenching her body, frantically attempting to maintain her grasp on all of the emotional repositories that she does not yet want to let go of – that she does not want anyone to even know about.
Sacred Pain
For what feels like the longest time, the entire group focuses energy on assisting me – but little Sharon continues to intensely dig in her heels with fierce resistance. Throughout the process I experience only minuscule levels of energy release.
The surprising eye opener for me comes from observing the bizarre levels of internal resistance – resistance that gradually increases in a desperate attempt to protect this secret and sacredly-guarded emotional pain.
Painful Bread Crumbs
Over time, the pain in my third-eye chakra begins to sharply intensify.
“Brenda,” Keith soon guides me, “why don’t you help little Sharon go out into the meadow behind your heart and then ask her to have another chat with your Higher Self.”
As my precocious little inner child disappears into the meadow, I again experience sharp agitated pains in the back of my heart chakra. Sharon is not at all happy with being asked to let go of those hidden caches of emotional pain.
I surrender control, not needing to know what is occurring out in that beautiful meadow. I simply trust and wait.
Soon, I experience a brief energy tingling in my shoulders – energy that is actually a tiny bit painful.
“Continue to be open Brenda,” Keith encourages me. “Just keep following the energy bread crumbs wherever they may lead, having no attachments.”
Suddenly I begin to experience a very sharp pain in my lower forehead, right at the center of my third eye.
A Stabbing Nail
“Go into the pain.” Keith coaches me. “Feel it … lose yourself in it.”
Rather than fight and resist the pain, I surrender, allowing the aching to grow and expand, asking it to show me something.
For a while I find myself sinking deeper into meditation. The pain briefly transforms into pleasurable energy vibrations – but soon the aching returns. To my surprise the pain is no longer in the center of my third-eye chakra. The sharply focused agony is deep inside my head, exactly below the very center of my right eyebrow.
“Keith,” I describe with astonishment, “I feel like I have a metaphorical nail or perhaps knife stabbing me in the brain, directly above my right eye, attempting to kill my right brain connections.”
The “I” Word
“Brenda,” Keith quickly shocks me, “I’m getting the word ‘implant’.”
“I don’t usually use that word because it is so loaded,” Keith adds, “but I am strongly guided that the word implant is definitely appropriate in your situation.”
Keith quickly clarifies that he is not talking about a physical implant, but a psychic one – one energetically placed there, probably by someone who did not even realize that they were doing it – someone who loved me and who had no idea that such a concept was even possible.
As I meditate further into the pain, new insights flood my awareness.
Masking The Chaos
“This is the source of that chaotic “yes/no/yes/no” pulsing that I have been uncovering for some time.” I ponder profoundly. “This is the source of the relentless confusion that still occasionally overwhelms me.”
The more I focus on the pain it literally feels like some type of pulsing energy beacon throbbing inside of my right brain. I feel as if this energy was engineered as some type of mind-control torture – designed to distract, to irritate and to brainwash me.
“This throbbing has caused me so much annoyance and confusion during my life,” the insights continue to surface, “that I have had to completely shutdown and numb myself in order to successfully ignore the painful pulsing.”
“By blocking out the chaotic energies,” I further ponder, “I became incapable of hearing and feeling the more subtle and peaceful divine connections that used to be so natural.”
I Can Do This
“Now that you have found it,” Keith again begins to coach me, “you need to remove it.”
“I want you to choose the method yourself,” Keith guides me. “Involve your Higher Self and do something that a part of you already knows how to do.”
“Perhaps you need to consider giving the implant back to the person who put it there.” Keith adds a clue.
As I ponder Keith’s instructions, my logical mind has absolutely no idea how to proceed – but a sense of inner confidence tells me “I can do this.”
A Mother’s Voice
From deep in meditation, I ask my Higher Self to bring in a metaphorical angel to help me – imploring the angel to retrieve the psychic implant for me. I desperately want that pulsing energetic torture out of me.
While intensely focusing all of my energy on the present-moment task at hand, I literally begin to feel as if a long deep straw-like tunnel opens up in my right eyebrow. Then I sense something sucking on the straw, pulling and pulling. The entire process takes several minutes as I watch the pain move ever so gradually, starting from deep inside my brain and eventually arriving at the surface of my forehead.
“OK parents and all you church leaders.” I meditatively begin to give instructions. “I am not sure who you are, but I would like the owner of this implant to please step forward.”
Immediately, an image of my dear sweet mother pops into my head. I attempt to push the image away, focusing instead on others, but her face continues to presence itself in my awareness.
A brief flashback consumes my thoughts – a memory of a channeling session with my friend Trish – a session in which she told me that my mother’s voice is still dominating my belief systems and behavior.
Time For Healing
“I love you mom,” I ponder deeply, “but this implant no longer belongs to me. It is yours to deal with. I know that it was unknowingly placed energetically in my head as an act of love – an act of desperation to help me follow your well-intentioned guidance and instruction – but the implant is no longer mine to carry.”
“It belongs to you.” I tenderly continue. “You need to take it back and either transmute it yourself, or deal with it as part of your own loving journey – but it is indeed yours to deal with.”
Almost immediately, I intuitively sense that the pulsing has ceased – but I continue to feel twitching and energy movements that now spread around to different parts of my brain.
“It is gone Brenda.” Keith reassures me. “What you are now feeling is energies beginning to open up and heal in various parts of your head and brain.”
My Right Eyes
As I further meditate, the metaphorical tunnel beneath my right eyebrow continues to hurt and twitch.
“It is just part of the healing process.” The Jedi voices quietly reassure me.
Soon, my attention is drawn to fears that surfaced last fall when my friend Sandra pointed out a small growth on the inner white area of my right eye – a growth that several people warned me could be a cataract.
“I’m not seeing with my right eyes.” The inner voices had reassured me during the unfolding weeks after that fearful discovery.
That tiny growth is still there, but peace remains in my heart, lovingly reminding me that the Universe continues to metaphorically communicate to me how important it is for me to begin seeing with my spiritual eyes – opening up my sensitivity to the vision that really matters.
A Restrictive Belt
As I relax and sink deeper into peaceful meditation, I simply observe the tingling energies while Keith begins to work with others.
Eventually I focus on bringing in more expanded love into my heart, attempting to send that love back down into my energetically-weak solar plexus. As I do so, I notice that the pain in my solar plexus, which had disappeared while I worked with my forehead, suddenly begins to resurface.
I remember Serg’s earlier description of how the link between my heart and solar plexus seems to have been severed. My own guidance is now beginning to confirm this reality in a powerful and painful way. While on rare occurrences I am blessed with occasional glimpses of delightful energy flow in my tummy – the flow usually feels dead and void, as it does again today. I am not even sure if I believe that energy can actually flow in these lower chakra areas.
As I focus on my abdomen, the pain suddenly begins to intensify. My entire belly begins to bloat and swell, painfully bulging and churning. Even more strange is that I feel something tightly squeezing my abdomen directly below the rib cage – as if it were a very tight belt that prevents energy from flowing between my heart and solar plexus.
Shallow Breathing
Almost immediately I remember another strange metaphor.
For the last few days I have frequently taken note of the fact that I feel very short of breath whenever I attempt to meditate. For inexplicable reasons, every time that I attempt to relax and surrender to the energies, my breathing seems to be forced, rapid, and shallow.
“Go further into that metaphor.” Keith proudly congratulates me. “This is going to be powerful.”
“Right after I pee.” I giggle “I really need to be able to focus on the process.”
Broken
“I just had a very profound realization as I was preparing to leave the bathroom.” I excitedly share with Keith. “I suddenly felt as if my mother was sitting on my abdomen, squashing my ability to breathe.”
“Congratulations on a profound discovery.” Keith verbally pats me on the back.
“This is a war of wills.” Keith clarifies, reminding me that the solar plexus is the power center, the chakra where our power and will are located.
As I allow my mind to drift back to around ages three through six, I clearly recognize that what my mother did to me was innocent and well-intentioned – desperately trying to teach me to be a good little Mormon boy. But in her attempt to turn me into a proper religious and cultural citizen, she literally broke my will, turning me into a people-pleasing robot.
“It was not training,” I emphasize to Keith. “It was literally as if I had been broken like a horse. I resisted forcefully with lots of tears and tantrums.”
“And I feel like I want to throw a tantrum right now.” I tell Keith through flowing tears of recognition.
Sad Six-Year-Old
As Keith moves on, I sink deeply into meditation, sincerely searching for any childhood memories that might confirm or deny what I am feeling. The emotional memories are profoundly clear – while the physical ones remain vague.
I clearly remember having felt frequent and deep emotions of tearful rebellion – as if my voice were being ignored and discounted – as if I desperately wanted my feelings to be understood and validated.
I also vividly remember repeated physical punishments. While I cannot tie the corporal punishment to specific ages or events, I absolutely know that I was spanked both with hands and belts, and that such painful punishment was not rare. Even more common was having my mouth washed out with soap or having cayenne pepper sprinkled on my tongue – something that happened on a frequent basis.
I must have been quite the rebellious and mouthy little toddler, desperately attempting to exert my will, to fight back against what I considered unreasonable and unfair repression by my mother.
Strangely enough, I have always remembered myself as having a happy childhood with parents who loved me deeply. I also believe these memories to be true – to a certain point that is. I was happy as long as I obeyed and agreed to live the normal traditional life as I was taught.
But when I stare honestly at my first grade photo, what I see is a very sad little six-year-old boy.
Pill Pushing
As I further meditate, I suddenly develop a very strong headache at the top of my forehead, extending slightly on either side.
“I remember having lots of headaches as a child.” I tell Keith as new memories surface. “I remember crying about the headaches, frequently begging my mother to give me some baby aspirin to help relieve the sharp pains.”
“The headaches were me fighting back.” I share with further clarity. “In the middle of being shut down, I was resisting the shutdown, resisting the programming, desperately fighting the conditioning process.”
“Those pills just caused me to push and stuff the pain back down,” I speak intuitively, “causing me to further suppress and repress those deep emotions.”
Relieving Release
For another twenty minutes I descend into further silent pondering.
Suddenly, I find myself sinking into the emotion of a child who wants to be angry with hateful rage about what is happening to me.
Recognizing my need to further understand and release, I grab a nearby cushion and begin lightly punching to further stimulate the angry feelings.
Seconds later I collapse forward, sinking into deep painful sobs. The intense emotions surge powerfully while I simultaneously attempt to restrain myself from being overly dramatic or disturbing the group around me.
Extremely painful waves of emotion surge through my solar plexus region as this deep emotion is released, layer after layer. Finally, after perhaps fifteen minutes, I collapse into exhausted relaxation.
“I’m not feeling pain in my head or in my abdomen right now.” I ponder silently. “It feels so wonderful.”
Channeled Wisdom
“Sorry Brenda,” Keith begins to speak as he channels my own guides (and I am paraphrasing from memory).
“But your life mission requires you to understand the shutdown process at very profound levels from every possible angle.” Keith continues channeling. “You will be helping a lot of people with this and you need to have experienced it deeply – first going through the shutdown process with profound resistance, and then going through the intense healing process so as to fully understand it all.”
“I know.” I respond. “And I don’t feel as if I am done yet.”
“No you are not.” Keith nods in knowing agreement.
Carefully Orchestrated Symphony
During the remainder of the ceremony, I sit in deep silence, pondering the realizations and experiences of an amazing and profound afternoon. I continue to be blown away by the manner in which my guides and the Universe repeatedly, day after day, bring me ever deepening understanding of the childhood shutdown process. I could never have planned any of this – I could never have even come close to planning this.
By simply surrendering to the flow of my own Higher Self, I seem to be on a personal guided tour of how it all works – a tour that is providing me with profound and tedious first-hand understanding into every possible angle. Deep trust and joy fill my soul as I witness this amazing tour continue to unfold like a carefully orchestrated symphony.
Not Yet Arrived
For a while, both my forehead and abdomen had been filled with joyful and peaceful clarity – brief glimpses into how my body will feel when the learning process is complete. But alas, a feeling of cloudiness gradually returns to my third eye, just as mild pain and a void of energy flow again consume my belly.
Intuitively I recognize the wisdom of it all. These glimpses have skillfully reminded me of where I am headed, but also clearly indicate that I have not yet arrived – that much exploration and learning remains to be done.
Pizza Postlude
“Good job and well done. You are on the right track.” Keith congratulates me as I prepare to walk home.
When I near my house, I cannot resist simply buying some street-pizza from one of the crowded booths near the basketball court. For only $1.25 US, I can fill my tummy with so-so Hawaiian Pizza while simultaneously treating myself to a little more free time during the evening to come.
Just like last night, another earth-shaking, ear-drum-breaking concert soon cranks up the volume shortly after dark.
Childlike Excitement
I find it almost humorous that the Universe is surrounding me with noise and chaos on the very day when I uncover a psychic implant that has filled my inner life with energetic noise and chaos – chaos that has frequently led to frustration, confusion, and an inability to function.
To my delight, for the second night in a row, I am able to lovingly ignore the external pulsing chaos of another blasting concert, again achieving a semi-restful sleep.
But a more powerful internal shift is taking form.
Gratitude overflows my heart as I realize that the pulsing source of inner chaos has finally been uncovered and removed.
Deep childlike excitement fills my heart as I ponder just how this latest discovery and release might bring more relaxing peace to life as I perceive it.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved