Tuesday morning, I set off on a new adventure. Shortly after 9:00 a.m., I have disembarked from my lancha (boat) at the Panajachel boat dock, and am standing in the middle of an outdoor used-fabric market. Twice per week, the large parking lot in front of the local firehouse is covered with layers of used Mayan fabric. Most of the fabric comes from used “cortes” – the skirts that the local indigenous women wear. I am on a mission of sorts. I want to cover my living room day bed with something a little more decorative, and I would love to make at least three large overstuffed pillows – pillows that I can use for personal comfort – pillows that I can use for the comfort of others when I eventually conduct my own chocolate sessions here in San Marcos.
Soon I have purchased four large “cortes” – each about three feet wide and around ten to twelve feet in length. Two of them will make a perfect bedspread, with the other two being just enough for four pillows.
Thirty minutes later, I am in a small fabric store purchasing what I believe to be enough muslin to sew four large inner pillows. Then I again hike through the hot morning sun in search of a tailor that Keith recommended. At last, my journey is complete. The tailor has my instructions, we have an agreed-upon price, and I will return in a week to retrieve my treasures.
The whole morning has been one of stepping out of my comfort zone, of crossing language and cultural barriers, and of facing fears. I am quite pleased with the outcome.
Warmth Of My Heart
After a long day involving extensive walking and heavy loads, I grant myself loving permission to rest. Later, while meditating, a feeling of inner guidance whispers that it is time to begin opening more energy flow in my legs, guiding me that one way to do this (for me) is to start stretching out the tight muscles in my hips and thighs – cramped muscles that choke off and prevent a free flowing of that energy.
After doing so, pushing my tight joints and muscles to their limits, I simply relax and meditate into the increased energy flow, using my heart-knowing and inner-will to pull dense energy out of both the front and back of my abdomen. My first inclination is to attempt to release and transmute this energy – but a sense of intuition instead guides me to bring it into my heart. As I do so, I sense the energy in my heart rise to a powerful new level of strength and overflowing.
Suddenly, I start to feel considerable prickly/painful energy beginning to manifest – especially around the bladder and lower areas of my second chakra. With loving focus, I simply invite the painful prickles to rise, guiding them upward with my will, where they soon disappear into the warmth of my heart.
Intuitively, I recognize that what I am doing is reconnecting with more of the forgotten “self-hatred” that continues to coat my abdominal organs, as well as the muscles and joints in my hips and legs – and I humbly recognize that I am still only scratching the surface.
Getting To Know You
As Wednesday afternoon finally arrives, I am eager to embrace the unknown growth of my second chocolate ceremony after returning to San Marcos.
As Keith moves his way around the circle, helping others, my abdomen increasingly flares up with growing painful cramps and nausea. The discomfort is so severe that I struggle, desperately wanting to interrupt, wishing I could have immediate assistance. As I patiently suffer, I watch with awe as every single person’s work applies directly to my trigger issues, taking me deeper and deeper into the physical metaphor that is causing me so much anxiety.
By the time Keith finally turns to work with me, I feel quite helpless and confused.
“Sit with the nausea and pain.” Keith guides me. “Get to know it.”
That is not what I want to hear. The tight knot at the top center of my solar plexus is so pressurized and agonizingly painful that I want it out, NOW.
Seconds later, I remind myself of the inner guidance that I have repeatedly received throughout the summer as this pain in my solar plexus has continued to strengthen.
“Just send love.” Intuitions repeatedly guided me. “Using light cannons to attack the pain will not solve anything.”
Jumping Doubts
As I patiently wait for Keith to help me, I am hoping for empathy and assistance in moving the painful energy, but that hope is soon dashed.
“You are at a new level of being guided to work with this density,” Keith soon coaches me, “You are being guided to work with this density using Higher Energies rather than crying it out.”
At one level, I agree completely, but inner doubts begin to jump up and down, screaming that they do not trust this approach, demanding that tears are the only thing that will work for me.
Knotted-Up Pipes
As I again sit with this pain in my abdomen, attempting to get to know it better, profound emotions begin to consume me. The closer I get to this pain, the more raw the emotions become.
Tears begin to quietly stream down my cheeks as I attempt to keep my emotions from splattering out all over the porch. Soon, my belly is also shaking, as if twitching in a “yes/no/yes/no” battle of “to cry or not to cry”.
In my visual imagination, I begin to see the energy blockage in my upper solar plexus as a huge mass of pipes and steel cables, twisted so tightly together, tied into so many knots, that no energy flow is capable of moving to or from my heart.
Hopeless and Helpless
As Keith continues to work his way around the porch for a second time, I attempt to meditate – trying to bring in higher energy to help with my blockage.
In continued meditation, what I originally saw as a twisted mass of pipes and cables gradually morphs into an entire demilitarized zone – as if it is an impassible military buffer between two hated and bitter enemies.
Coils of razor wire spring up everywhere, as do walls spiked by strategically placed broken glass to prevent anyone from climbing. Soon, automated, motion-sensing machine guns protect the walls – deadly guns that will shoot at anything that moves in this protected zone.
Land mines quickly dot the landscape, accompanied by every imaginable type of bloody booby trap from every Indiana-Jones-type movie that I have ever seen – increasingly making this energetic blockage in my solar plexus impossible to navigate.
As I continue to meditate on this intensely guarded buffer zone, a sense of sheer and utter hopelessness consumes my soul.
“This energy blockage is so vast and complex,” I ponder in helplessness, “that I will never be able to tear down the walls by myself.”
In fact, I experience sudden terror at the thought of even trying. I am clueless as to how or where to even begin.”
“Yes,” I surrender in despair. “Higher assistance is the only way. But I just do not know how to do that.”
Guarded Magic
Suddenly a new awareness floods my intuitive understanding.
“This deadly demilitarized zone completely surrounds my Magical Theme Park – the playground of inner magic that I discovered earlier last spring.” I ponder with surprise. “These walls keep my magic isolated and unreachable to logic and rational mind.”
Each time I meditatively attempt to draw closer – or to bring in light to help – a feeling of sheer panic quickly overwhelms me, literally causing my heart to cringe, stopping me in my tracks.
“Congratulations Brenda on achieving a new level of growth.” Keith soon rejoins my inner work. “You have clearly recognized that you cannot do it alone or with your rational mind … that you have to have help … a setup that can only be solved by higher energies.”
Light Magnets
“Bring in a small ball of light to help you.” Keith soon guides me, giving me a clue of another way to work with this terrifying demilitarized zone.
Even though I find it extremely difficult to visualize, I refuse to believe ego thoughts that insist, “I can’t do this.”
Prior to today’s ceremony, I had promised myself that I would no longer allow doubts to stop me. Still, I find it almost impossible to visualize the light, so I focus on simply allowing myself to pretend that I can feel it instead.
As I allow intuitive imagination to take over, I feel as if the light becomes a large magnet – a magnet that begins to suck parts of the wall into its realm. Thousands of knife-edges from the razor wire begin to fly into the light as I feel this vacuum-like pull gradually sucking at everything in the massive military buffer zone – one by one pulling obstacles and booby-traps out of the ground and into the light.
For the longest of times, I imagine knife blades, nails, land mines, pins, arrows, poison darts, needles, hypodermic needles, machine guns, bullets, tiger pits, jungle traps – imagining all of these flying through the air, being sucked into the light.
But there seems to be an endless supply of these deadly weapons – a never ending visualization that continues to instill a sense of hopelessness. No matter how much of the treacherous wall that I bring into the light, it seems like ever more booby traps replace those that disappear.
Throughout this long meditative saga, my stomach and solar plexus continue to throb painfully – a pain that threatens to go on forever.
Never-Ending Wall
I meditate for over an hour as images of disaster movies flash through my mind – scenes of earthquakes sucking in walls and buildings, with the ground crumbling away.
Soon, the images begin to include non-physical structures. Joining the images are crumbling political structures, jobs, universities, societal rules, and belief systems. The entire illusory world is being sucked into the light.
Yet, through it all, the wall never gets smaller or thinner. The demilitarized zone intuitively seems as powerfully protected as ever.
Another Day
“Take a break.” Keith eventually guides me to suspend my visualization.
To my surprise, I never return to this scene of hopeless destruction. Instead, I find myself consumed by the applicability of surrounding conversations that powerfully apply to me.
“You cannot take the wrong bus … It is already done … You cannot fail.”
Many such messages ground me into the rational remembering that I am perfect exactly where I am – that I am in the middle of a divinely guided process and that all is well.
Yet I feel as if I have been run over by a truck and kicked in the solar plexus by a steel-toed boot – and I continue to experience some nausea and pain from the intense energy blockage near the top-center of my solar plexus.
Gradually, as I let my mind wander and simply focus on reconnecting with the light, I feel an inflow of Higher Energy vibrations – vibrations that comfort my tired heart – warm vibrations that fill me with peace and confidence, reminding me that I have made great progress today, and that the rest can wait for later.
A New Level
After the ceremony ends, rather than isolating myself to continue meditation, I instead follow a heart that tells me to go to dinner with a new friend – opting to honor another element of persistent guidance telling me it is time to be more social as I take on another new year of inner work.
As I later rest on my pillow, reviewing the day’s events, I again reflect on how Keith congratulated me for having reached a new level today – one of clear realization that rational mind simply cannot offer the solution – that the answers will not and do not come through logical mind – that I need to further trust the Higher Energies.
I indeed know that I am finally ready to embrace this new level – one that I could not quite reach last June.
Day Of Rest
Thursday turns into a much-needed day of rest and studying Spanish. My heart continues to process after a very profound chocolate session yesterday.
Motivation to force my writing is nonexistent. In fact, I made a commitment this year that I will only write when driven by inner joy and passion. As ego rants on about how I need to work hard to catch-up in my blog, I simply smile, put on two back-to-back movies, and relax into bed.
Finally, for an hour and a half on Friday morning, the writing-bug swells in my heart. But my passion to communicate is cut short by an unexpected opportunity – a small private chocolate ceremony – one in which Keith has invited a few others to participate, including me.
Building Trust
As the ceremony begins, my solar plexus quickly resumes a painful journey of demanding my full focus and attention. Rather than judging or fixing, I instead focus on bringing in more light – asking the light for intuitive messages – asking the light to show me what it would do with these emotional densities that continue to knock on my door.
“Brenda,” Keith soon guides me, “you are in a journey of learning to use the Higher Energies rather than just using the tearful approach that you trust so well. Your process today is to play with that journey and to build more trust.”
“I have been trying to do this all summer.” I ponder after Keith again moves on. “But I have indeed felt quite helpless, still not fully trusting that I know how to use the Higher Energies in my own personal release process.”
Part of me insists that I must be able to feel them better before I can trust them – yet another part knows that I cannot feel them better until after I learn to trust them.
Energetic Support
Soon, I begin a silent journey of bringing back that magical ball of magnetic light from Wednesday’s meditation – the ball of light that continuously absorbed treacherous booby-traps from a hopeless and frightening demilitarized zone in my solar plexus.
To my shock and surprise, that demilitarized zone seems to be gone – yet a painful prickly energy remains in my solar plexus, one that is every bit as intense and agitated as before.
As I listen to Keith work with another woman, telling her how the energies of Mother earth will support her heart – Inner guidance tells me that his words were spoken for my benefit, that I need to “bring in the energies from Mother Earth to support my heart.”
“Of course,” I ponder quietly. “It is these energies from the mother that have been blocked at my solar plexus. My heart is craving this loving support and energetic fuel from below.”
Another Key
While focusing on this new endeavor, I note that a friend is engaging in a round of intense emotion. Inner guidance quickly encourages me to direct some of my heart energy in her direction.
Suddenly a new thread of intuition tells me to change the manner in which I send heart energy. Normally, I first fill my heart by metaphorically breathing in energy through my crown.
“Bring that energy from Mother Earth,” the intuitions tell me. “Bring it in through your lower chakras, right through the center of the pain in your solar plexus.”
This profound new intuition feels like a powerful key to my ongoing journey.
My Own Higher Self
As I focus on bringing energy up from below, my solar plexus continues to prickle with pain, but I do actually experience the sensation of some light energy flowing upward. This poking-from-within soon spreads to my lower second chakra regions as I envision little Bobby and Sharon using pipe cleaners to help open up the energy flow in my channels.
“Be my own Higher Self.” Yet another round of intuition floods my awareness. “Take on that leadership role that has been so lacking in my inner life.”
Soon I am lovingly envisioning every one of the cells in my abdomen as being conscious entities, each one of which is in need of my unconditional love and rallying support.
Giggling Joy
Minutes later, I am standing on the central stage of a huge metaphorical football stadium. Millions of these conscious cellular entities, most from my abdomen, occupy the seats. They are anxiously awaiting my words, wondering if they can trust me, or if my words will just be part of the same old leadership crap that they have heard from me throughout the years.
After encouraging them to feel the divine truth of my genuine love for them, I reassure each cell that they are free to choose their own path.
“But the light can be much more joyful and fun than that old ‘work, work, work’ path on which we have all found ourselves stuck in the past.” I giggle at the metaphorical microphone.
I literally giggle on my physical face too, as I overhear Keith working with a friend about how we all think that emotional and spiritual work needs to be hard – that it needs to be a painful struggle.
Free To Choose
The next ideas that pop into my mind surprise even me. I am guided to envision all of these cells in my abdomen, especially those in the lower second chakra, as being perfect chunks of black coal.
“Bring in the light and ask it to transmute you into clear diamonds.” I encourage the cells in that imaginary stadium. “Allow the light to flow through you and to bring you radiant joy and happy energy.”
Next, I reassure all of the cells that they are free to transmute into diamonds or to remain as black coal – that I will love them just the same. Then I encourage those cells that have already transmuted, those that are already shining as clear diamonds, to shine their light for their neighbors in an unconditional way … allowing those around them to feel and experience the glow without judging in any way if they choose not to accept it for themselves.
My main goal here is to let every cell know that I love them unconditionally no matter what path they choose.
Collective Pain
Suddenly a new concept becomes quite clear: The intense prickly pain I am feeling in my abdomen is not my own pain at all.
Instead, I am empathically sensing the combined pain of each individual cell – each and every cell in my abdomen that continues to experience energetic isolation and shutdown. Rather than being “my pain,” what I feel is actually the collective pain of every one of these cells.
“I am deeply grateful that you have kept me safe through all these fifty-plus years.” I speak into the microphone to these dedicated pain-ridden cells, who in their confusion and fear continue to keep themselves energetically shutdown.
“But this light is safe, and actually fun.” I add. “This pure unconditional light is not like the conditional teachings that once shut you down as a child. This light loves you and accepts you no matter what.”
“Those of you who are willing to participate … who are willing to take the risk …” I then make a leadership request. “I would love it if you will allow me and the angels to empathically assist you in releasing and transmuting all of your bottled up pain and sadness.”
I know I am still learning to be the unconditionally loving leader … but I giggle inside when I experience the sensation of significant painful energy that begins to move and release from my abdomen.
Congratulatory Confirmation
Throughout this entire process, I work alone, not verbally interacting with Keith or anyone else on this magical chocolate porch.
But to my amazement, many times during this beautiful meditative journey, Keith stops what he is doing, turns around, looks me in the eyes, gives me a huge thumbs up, and even giggles at me. A few times, he verbally congratulates me for the energy that he is experiencing – not asking me a single question before returning to work with the person he is assisting.
One time when Keith glances my way, I allow a doubting question to surface, asking Keith for outside confirmation that what I am doing is real.
“Brenda, I can feel the flow of energy leaving you,” Keith lovingly confirms, “and it is indeed making a difference.”
Loving Leadership Lessons
As I ponder deeply while continuing my meditative journey, I clearly recognize that today is a huge and powerful experience for me in actually putting into practice the lessons I learned earlier this year as documented in my June 28 blog titled: “Leadership of Love.”
Throughout this process, I have been an unconditionally loving leader, guiding my inner energies while not micromanaging them – encouraging them to make their own choices – simply providing inspired guidance – and then allowing the results to unfold with no attachment to outcomes.
Just as my own Higher Self loves me unconditionally, no matter what I choose in my life, I too will do the same for the individual energetic and cellular consciousnesses that make up my own physical body.
After the ceremony is complete, Keith shares a few words of wisdom, telling me that I (and my higher energies) designed this whole process, including my entire summer of solar plexus pain. It was all a setup to give me an opportunity to work with my leadership and micromanaging issues. In following this lesson, I am further learning to lead with unconditional love and non-attachment, to lead my own energies in the same way that I would lead a struggling and emotional five-year-old child. It is not a leadership of pushing, discipline, or threats of judgment – but one of unconditional love, understanding, and personal empowerment.
Life-Altering Shifts
As I stroll back to my apartment, I am amazed at how the majority of my solar plexus pain has already dissolved – with the remainder disappearing soon after I arrive at home.
I humbly recognize that my healing journey is far from complete – that today I merely dealt with yet another layer of energy blockages in my lower chakras – but I am simultaneously giggling with delightful energy.
I know that this week has been powerful in healing portions of my energy field – portions that have been deeply stuck since early childhood. I intuitively know that what took place this week has been, and will continue to be, life altering.
On Wednesday, I began dismantling an intense demilitarized war zone between heart and solar plexus – between feminine love and masculine power. Today, on the final day of September 2011, I have found great peace. I felt the energy of Mother earth flowing across that now-unguarded zone, supporting my heart while giving me the wisdom, courage, and strength to lovingly step into my power as my own Higher Self.
I am finally learning to take on a loving leadership role with the millions of conscious energies that make up my own physical body – a body called “Brenda” – a body that is a mere projection of who I really am.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved