As I walk into Keith’s kitchen, quickly summarizing my intense journey of the past two days, I continue to feel as if I were emotionally run over by a large truck. It is noon on Wednesday, October 19 – thirty minutes prior to yet-another chocolate ceremony. I have intentionally arrived a little earlier than normal, hoping to receive some much needed encouragement and feedback.
“My guidance tells me that what you have been doing is perfect.” Keith smiles and lovingly congratulates me. “My feedback is that you are doing a wonderful job of following the flow of your higher energies. Just keep on doing that.”
Roaming Charges
Within seconds of entering our first meditation of the chocolate ceremony, I begin to experience increasing agitation in my solar plexus. As time progresses, while attempting to simply allow the pains to consume me, the rumbling protest in my tummy becomes so uncomfortable that I desperately want to judge it, to fix it, to repress it, to make it all go away.
“Surrender to the pain.” Keith guides me when the meditation is over. “Just keep following the metaphorical breadcrumbs.”
That is not what I want to hear. The agitation is so uncomfortable that I just want to scream. I am growing impatient and tired of this never ending solar plexus rebellion.
To my surprise, as I allow and let go – simply observing with no judgment – the pains begin to move around. After first manifesting as a dull ache in the center of my heart chakra, the emotionally-charged pains gradually move down to the lower reaches of my second chakra.
Sexual Synchronicities
Meanwhile, Keith has worked his way halfway around the porch, working with a young man who begins to talk about the confusing sexual energies in his second chakra.
“The pains in my second chakra are telling me that today’s work will focus on healing my own sexual energies.” I intuitively recognize as I watch the movie screen of my external reality literally show me what I need to work with on the inside.
“Bring the second-chakra energy up to your heart.” Keith coaches the young man repeatedly.
As I watch with deep curiosity, Keith spends considerable time explaining to the young man about the importance of allowing the energy from our lower chakras to rise up into our heart chakra. He explains three different levels of how this sexual energy can be utilized – sex for sex, sex for love, and sex for divine connection.
Sexual Guilt
As this conversation unfolds, rather than hearing and understanding the intricacies of what Keith is attempting to teach, I focus on only one thing.
“For me, in my life,” I ponder with shock, “blocked sexual energies simply created guilt and shame-filled panic.”
In the midst of my teenage gender struggles and absolute absence of any parental guidance, I believed sex was something that would take me straight to hell … that there was nothing at all divine about it. Any attempt to secretly explore my gender confusion was invariably tied to this intense sexual energy of guilt and shame. During those troubling-teens, when sexual energy did surface, when it did force its way into self-expression, I knew that I was on a fast-track to being the Devil’s eternal roommate.
Straight To The Spot
While remaining in silent meditation, I focus all of my intention on allowing mild sexual energies to form in my own second chakra, using my heart and mind in an attempt to guide those fleeting energies to rise into my heart – yet the energies seem stuck, both damned and dammed – having no place to flow.
In the midst of making no progress, memories continue to flood my awareness – memories of how guilt had been my prominent sexual partner, even in the midst of a religion-sanctioned marriage. Free expression of sexual feelings carried so many religious/cultural guilt-laden restrictions – dropping huge anchors that kept me stuck to the fears and shame of the past – keeping me confused in the “dos and don’ts” of the religious dogma of the present.
While pondering all of these “dirty, evil, shameful” memories, I continue an effort to intend-and-allow a small amount of sexual energy to rise from my second chakra. Finally, I am delighted to sense a small thread of energy rise up through my solar plexus. I am not the least bit surprised when the energy heads straight for that “nail-in-my-heart” spot, lightly soothing the dull-ache that remains present.
“Isn’t that interesting?” I think to myself. “This tiny bit of spiritual/sexual energy went straight to the spot that metaphorically reminds me how I was figuratively crucified in the name of religion.”
God/Separation Drama Revisited
A few minutes later, my process is interrupted by the work of a young man seated next to me. He is confronting a buried emotional blockage that has him profoundly stuck. I am surprised when Keith explains that he is dealing with his God/separation drama.
I am delighted when Keith asks me to explain my own struggles with a similar journey – one that emerged last winter – one in which I felt abandoned, alone, and helpless – one where I absolutely knew that no teacher would ever be able to help me, nor will God/ Source/ Higher Energies really help me either – one where I am doomed to be rejected and forgotten, always having to do it all by myself.
Where Did That Come From?
But my thoughts about God drama are quickly interrupted when the young man with whom Keith was working earlier suddenly explodes with joy. He has succeeded in bringing second chakra energy up to his heart chakra, and is so filled with overwhelming excitement and unconditional love that he cannot contain himself.
To my dismay, I find myself experiencing judgmental feelings, with a strong part of me wanting to reject the young man as spewing ugly masculine energy that is disrupting my peace.
“I don’t want that nasty masculine energy exploding all over me.” I feel my heart exclaiming with disgust.
“Wow.” I ponder with shock and surprise. “Where did that unexpected judgment come from? Do my inner energies really feel this way? This young man is expressing nothing but genuine love, and I am projecting all over him.”
Masculine Mysteries
Rather than verbalizing my surprise journey, I simply go deeper. It does not take rocket science to recognize that I continue to internalize deep fear, panic, and dysfunctional beliefs about not wanting to engage in another relationship – about refusing to even entertain the idea.
Not only do I fear that a partner would jeopardize the relationship with my children, but apparently, I also remain terrorized that masculine energy will attempt to dominate and control me – or on the flip side it will utterly reject me.”
“How can I still feel this way?” I ponder with increased puzzlement. “On a nearly daily basis, I see beautiful examples of men that are kind, humble, balanced, and deeply spiritual. Why do I continue to project such unhealthy fear of domination onto the male species?”
Relationship Rejection
It seems that I can feel strong unconditional love toward most any man … but the moment that any man becomes a possible partner, even as a passing thought, I project all over the place.
Yes, I am terrified of relationships, and over the years I have achieved great peace in the resolution that I will never again engage in one.
Shortly before arriving in San Marcos, dreams and experiences had profoundly pushed me in the direction of opening my heart to the possibility of relationships. It seems that other portions of my heart are yet-engaged in a desperate battle to remain shutdown.
Teenage Terror
I suddenly realize that as a teenager, I was deeply terrified of relationships. Being consumed with an overdose of shame and self-hatred, combined with having no one with whom to discuss that ever-increasing shame, I felt dirty, defective, ugly, despicable, and undesirable. With each stumble along the path to suppress the gender confusion, I sank deeper into the hopeless muck of believing that I was indeed ‘unlovable’.
“I cannot share my real self enough to even have a single close friend,” I would frequently wallow in despair, “how could I ever expect someone to see me as a desirable relationship partner?”
Then to my shock and surprise, at the tender age of eighteen – an age when I desperately fought to put the gender battles permanently behind me – a series of beautiful synchronicities guided me into a relationship that resulted, a few years later, in a loving marriage.
Trusting The Plan
“I did not have to do anything except be present.” I reflect back to my first year in college. “That relationship effortlessly came to me in synchronous ways. I simply needed to respond to the guidance and be willing to do my part with a genuine heart.”
As I ponder present beliefs – beliefs telling me that I planned the major events of my life before coming to this physical plane – I have no doubt that my marriage and family were indeed a huge part of those profound plans. In spite of countless struggles at the end of the marriage, I clearly see that everything happened beautifully, with perfect timing, exactly as it needed to happen.
“If I can believe these beautiful insights about past events,” I ponder with increasing clarity, “then why can’t I believe that I might have also planned a relationship partner as a part of my future?”
This idea spawns such trust and clarity. Why have I been so negative and doubtful, insisting that my future will ever-remain a solo journey?
God-Drama Revisited
“No!” A part of me immediately screams. “I will never again lose myself in a relationship. I don’t trust Higher Self to guide me into a real, healthy, relationship – it is impossible – it will never happen – I am physically defective – there is no one out there for me.”
“Wow,” The observer in me jumps in, “These are extremely strong beliefs – beliefs shrouded in fear and stubborn resistance.”
“I think I am deeply immersed in another God/separation drama of my own.” I ponder with increasing insight. “I do not believe that my own Higher Energies are capable of guiding me into any type of meaningful relationship.”
By now, tears are streaming down my cheeks as the prickly pain of energy blockages are dancing throughout my agitated abdomen.
The fear and anxiety are intense when I soon attempt to shed a little insight to Keith regarding my present meditative journey. I giggle when Keith soon points out that I am in my own God drama.
“Yeah,” I smile, “I already recognize that. I am playing out my trademark belief – a belief telling me that I have to do it all by myself, forever alone.”
Relationship Prison
As Keith again moves on, I find myself guided to return to a meditation that I did yesterday – one of envisioning thousands of little angels running around in my metaphorical emotional storage closets, going through old outdated, relics-of-beliefs, boxing them up and carrying them away for transmutation.
“Ouch,” I ponder with fright, “I cannot clean out this belief – the belief that I will live the remainder of my life alone. That is impossible. This belief defines me. Who will I be without it? I have built my spiritual identity around being strong and alone in my journey, clearly knowing that I could never have come this far if I had not been traveling solo.”
“A relationship means prison, or even worse, Hell.” Part of me insists. “I won’t tear down the walls that keep me safe. I will not discard this belief.”
“Why?” I respond curiously. “Why am I so insistent on clinging to this dysfunction?”
A Safe Haven
Finally, I recognize the confusing paradox that tramples my inner world. There is little doubt in my heart that I am now sufficiently healed – that I am very unlikely to sacrifice myself, my identity, my soul, my very being, to the control or manipulation of another party – no matter who they are or how much I love them. But the thought that terrifies me is one of getting lost in the pain of craving a relationship, and of then either never finding one or of having my heart broken after I do.
“Nope,” I ponder with clarity. “I am not afraid of a relationship as much as I am afraid of wanting one – of needing one. I am afraid of what I perceive as the horrible sadness and neediness of craving a relationship.”
It is so much safer to just stay away from the edge of the cliff – refusing to open that dangerous unknown journey – remaining in a safe haven where no relationship will ever be allowed to happen in the first place. That place is well known – a place where I cannot get hurt.
“What a bizarre belief to have,” I further reflect. “It is completely crazy to blindly equate ‘desiring a partner’ with the concept of neediness, out-of-control complications, loss of self, and loss of happiness.”
For the first time in a very long time, I realize that it is possible to “desire” something, while at the same time remaining healthy and unattached, simply trusting the flow, releasing the distortions, and allowing my higher energies to lead the way.
Terrified, Stuck, And Clueless
Soon, Keith asks the group to combine their energies in assisting me to release my newly discovered pain and resistance. As I surrender to the process, attempting to allow higher assistance, I feel stuck. I cannot feel any energy moving, I am blocked, and the task feels impossible.
“Give a little bit of the blockage to me.” Keith guides me.
I struggle to simply get out of my rational mind and to allow … but I continue to experience strong head resistance.
“There,” Keith congratulates me, “you finally let some go.”
I am so disconnected that I still feel nothing.
“Brenda,” Keith points out, “your inability to let me or others help you is your God drama.”
“I agree.” I respond with frustration. “I totally understand, but I don’t know how to release this belief. I am terrified, stuck, and clueless.”
Tears stream down my cheeks as the helplessness consumes me. I don’t even know if I believe it is possible to let go of these deep core beliefs.
“Congratulations for not knowing how.” Keith smiles at me.
A New Awakening
As most of the group fades and disappears, I continue to sit patiently on my large overstuffed pillow, meditating through the deep emotion, sitting on the front row of a metaphorical movie theatre, observing myself with non-attachment as I gradually allow these dysfunctional beliefs to be released – beliefs about men, about relationships, about being controlled – allowing the tiny visualized angels to clean out my closets and to carry off the boxes to their higher resting ground.
Rational mind receives absolutely no validation that anything is happening, other than the fact that my abdomen is churning up a storm with agitated, often painful movements.
Finally, I experience the sensation of vibrations in my abdomen, as if energy is moving around, and it is no longer painful.
“Keith,” I beg for clarity, “can you please give me some feedback that might help my mind get out of the way.”
“You have done a great job today,” Keith smiles, “and I’m getting that the vibrations you are now feeling are related to a new awakening of energy.”
Just Trust
“When I arrived this morning I felt as if I had been run over by a truck.” I express to Keith through emotional tears. “Now, as I prepare to leave, I feel as if I were just hit by a freight train.”
“I sense that I am done for today,” I continue, “but I am extremely unstable and fragile. Can you check with your guides to see if there is something I should or could do before I begin walking home?”
“No,” Keith responds with confidence after checking his own guidance. “You are doing perfect. In fact I am extremely proud of the work you are doing, following the flow, and being willing to go where it guides you. This is your own individual process, and I cannot tell you where it will take you. Just trust.”
A Clueless Mind
As I walk up the steep incline that leads away from Keith’s home, I begin to cry deep tears.
“I’m embarrassed to walk home bawling like this.” I call out to Keith.
“Thanks for the great work you did in helping others today.” Keith responds with a diversion.
“Huh?” I question. “I was stuck in my own stuff, crying much of the time. How did I help others?”
“You did help others a great deal, Brenda.” Keith responds. “And you already know how you helped them. It was just like you did in Salt Lake City, holding powerful space for others.”
“But my rational mind doesn’t have a clue.” I respond through my tears.
An Outside Job – NOT
To my relief, the out-of-control tears quickly dry up, but as I prepare a simple dinner of rice and beans, I am back to feeling completely numb. This truly is continuing to be a difficult week of “big and noisy” growth.
Thursday morning, after a restful sleep, I resume my inner journey during a 6:30 a.m. meditation on my outside patio. As I observe the pains and sensations in my body, memories of yesterday’s emotional work flood my mind.
“I am literally terrified of being victimized by male energy.” I ponder with new fine-tuned insight. “I am constantly saying that everything is an ‘Inside Job’, but I continue reacting to the concept of men as if it were all an ‘Outside Job’ – as if something outside of me can hurt and victimize me.”
Suddenly it all makes sense. I have been projecting onto nearly all men in my life – at least almost all men who step into the role of being possible relationship candidates. Before anything can even begin to happen, I silently spew judgments all over them, automatically acting as if they are evil, controlling, manipulative, perverted, possessive, uncaring, untrustworthy, sly, cunning, wanting just three things … sex, power, and domination.
“I have been seeing them as something outside of me that can possess me and take my soul.” I ponder with profound clarity. “I have practically been seeing them as the Devil himself. How ridiculous is that?”
My Own Male Energies
“Yes,” I continue meditating, “I would love a relationship, but No, I don’t need one.”
I resume my “angels-cleaning-out-my-emotional-baggage-closets” meditation, asking them to further clean out my silly projections that are now becoming so clear.
“It IS an inside job.” I suddenly stop everything as a new insight floods my awareness. “I am subconsciously terrified of the masculine energies INSIDE of me. That grown-up Bobby is threatening and oppressive. Not only did he completely shut me (Brenda) down through most of my life, but I also watched his clueless male-stereotypical behavior as I struggled to perform male roles in my marriage.”
Devoted Love
I am guided to reflect on a profound meditative moment from several months ago when working with the metaphor of “Beauty and The Beast.” In that journey, I had come to see that male Beast as an energy that I had asked to sacrifice his whole life in my service – a service of choking off my magical energies, keeping me safe from a society and culture that would have damaged me profoundly if my magic and femininity had not been so tightly shut down in order to protect it.
I can now clearly see that I am projecting onto this Beast – this “older-Bobby” – as being the root of all evil, the very Devil himself, the very definition of ugly and out-of-control masculine energy.
Tears stream down my cheeks as I again remember a moment of past meditation when I felt that Beast beg for my understanding: “Please, I can’t let go until I know that you will love me and forgive me – that you will no longer hate me for what I have had to do.”
It is now all so obvious. My masculine side has protected and watched my back throughout my life, suffering in deep anguish as he forced all feminine and magical expression to remain hidden. His actions were not motivated by hate – but out of loving service and a desire to protect. He just wants me to love him back.
A Rejected Hug
“I still hate this Beast,” I ponder with shock. “I have exiled him to my solar plexus, and am refusing to embrace him in my heart.”
“Please,” I beg the part of the Beast that remains in my solar plexus, “won’t you please join me in my heart. I’m so sorry for how I have been so cruel toward you.”
Soon, I feel the right side of my heart energy strengthen significantly as the energy in my solar plexus migrates upward. Then I begin to speak to both sides of my heart – to both the masculine and the feminine energies.
“I AM both of you.” I speak with loving compassion. “Each of you has always done your best, acting from a motivation of pure and genuine love in every situation. Can you please help each other to release more of your pain and sadness?”
As I meditate quietly, I intuitively sense the healing occurring on both sides of my heart. But when I attempt to visualize adult-Brenda as allowing herself to be hugged by the adult-Bobby/Beast, I feel her cringe with fear. She is still terrified of partnering with the masculine side, even though the truth of our coexistence is fully understood at the rational level.
A Playful Break
On Friday, after spending an emotional day publishing “Occupy Brenda”, I have no strength remaining with which to think or feel. The writing alone has been deeply integrating and healing, but has also left me craving something more fun and rejuvenating.
After a couple of false starts at being social, I end up synchronously connecting with a group of women – now new friends – at a local restaurant. As I get to know the seven amazing women who are currently taking the Sun Course at Las Piramides Del Ka, I feel a new sense of loving confidence begin to integrate with the playful side of my soul. I even get up and dance to a couple of songs prior to hugging my new friends good night and retiring to my bed for a restful night of sleep.
A Real Inside Job
Saturday is one of those special days where I get to play “assistant” at a chocolate ceremony in a nearby city – just a short boat-ride away.
Even though I come along with the intention of holding space and helping to facilitate the work of others, I find that I am doing a great deal of continued processing on myself at the very same time. In fact, it seems as if everything that everyone says or does triggers something profound and painful inside of me.
I cannot write about the work of others here, but I feel it is safe to say that among those issues triggered in me are additional issues of being an empath, shutdown as a child – deep fears of masculine power – and a recognition that I have engaged in a lifelong journey of struggling with the energy of impatience. In fact, as the discussion about impatience proceeds, my heart pulses with agitated panic and deep apprehension.
To my dismay, it seems that everything that anyone says or does simultaneously triggers something inside of me.
“Keith,” I finally beg for clarity, “could you please add some insight here. Am I bringing their emotional pain and fear into my own body … or is this really my own stuff being triggered?”
Keith responds by reminding me of a man who wrote a book back in the 1800s – a man whose healing technique was to first find others’ issues inside of himself. When he healed those issues in himself, the other person was healed as well.
“I think this is a lot of what I have been doing,” I ponder, “not just today, but in most other ceremonies as well. I seem to have a knack at first seeing issues outside of me, next finding them inside of myself, and then working on them.”
Relationship Rules
But it is the work of one particular young man that changes my life forever. This beautiful young man is struggling because a friend of his is being somewhat angry and abusive toward others. The young man expresses his own angry frustration regarding his friend’s behavior – sharing how he wishes he could get his friend to stop treating others the way that he does.
Keith masterfully guides this young man through the process of recognizing the anger as being an inside job – that he first needs to heal his own anger before anything else can possibly change on the outside with his external friendships.
“It is never about them.” Keith reminds the young man. “And nothing changes until you do.”
Puppy Turn Arounds
Suddenly, the light bulbs flash in my mind as profound insights flood my awareness.
All of the fears inside of me – including fears of masculine energy, fears of relationships, fears of the prickly solar plexus pains that show me my fears – each and every one is an inside job.
Each separate fear is associated with a little scared puppy – a puppy that I frequently attack with a big stick while attempting to get it to stop misbehaving. But the puppy is not the fear itself – the puppy is an actual wholesome and loving energy, one that I need to integrate into my life. The fear enters the picture because that loving puppy (the wholesome and loving energy) is terrified of me and what I might do to it.
For instance, one of the puppies represents healthy, balanced, masculine energy. I have beaten that puppy (my male energy) for so long that the poor little guy is shaking and terrified of me. When I feel his painful agitation in my solar plexus, I am not feeling my own fear of masculine energy – I am instead feeling the masculine energy’s (puppy’s) fear of me.
Just as this young man cannot help his angry friend by being angry at him, I cannot get the puppy to stop being afraid by terrorizing him. I must approach this masculine energy with the purest and most genuine love – earning his respect and trust. Only then will the puppy stop being afraid, and perhaps come out to play.
But before I can do that, I must heal myself – my inner subconscious hatred of masculine energy.
Perspective Turnaround
As I further ponder, an even deeper level of understanding suddenly unfolds.
“All of the scared puppies in my abdomen are my magical powers – components of my magical theme park.” I ponder with surprise.
I have been beating and suppressing them for so long, that when I begin to ask them to wake up, they shake with fear. They do not trust me because I have been their oppressor.
I want my masculine power to come back, yet that very power is terrified of me. It is like asking a junkyard dog, starved for love, to come into my house to play with me.
It is not me (Brenda/feminine side) that is afraid when I try to bring the power back. It is me (Brenda/feminine side) that is trying to bring a terrified puppy back into my confidence. Much, if not all, of the shaking and agitation in my abdomen comes from that puppy’s fear of me. My impatient frustration, begging and pushing these energies to come back to me, is like angrily grabbing the scared puppy.
In the perspective of that powerful masculine energy, I am the oppressor and he is the victim.
It is not “abusive masculine power” that will control and manipulate me. It is me (my feminine side) that has been abusing, controlling, and manipulating what is actually a very loving masculine energy.
What a beautiful turnaround of perspective.
An Unknowing Abuser
As my thoughts return back to the metaphor of Beauty and the Beast, I clearly see how that poor Beast has tried to show love while I continue to reject. He has done everything he can to honor my wishes, to win my love, to roll over and nearly die for me, but I continue to reject and project all over him. I have exiled him to a life of abuse and neglect, pushing him out of my heart and into my solar plexus.
“Of course he won’t let go until he knows that I will still love him.” I ponder with insight.
The abuser is not the masculine energy in me – it is the feminine energy in me that abuses my masculine side – that refuses to drop her lifelong vendetta.
The gentle masculine puppy only wants to be loved. He is not now, nor was he ever a threat. I am the unknowing abuser in this equation – and it can all be healed on the inside – a simple process of know myself.
The Subtle Shifts
Later Saturday evening, after incessantly pondering the subtle shifts in perception that continue to boggle my mind, I opt to go to a nearby restaurant for a burger and fries. The inner child in me is craving my favorite childhood meal.
To my initial resistance, the restaurant is showing a loud professional football game on the television. Rather than sitting at a table outside, I plop myself right in front of the television, attentively watching most of the second quarter.
While I used to occasionally enjoy a good game, I have not watched football in what seems like more than a decade or two. Instead, I have rejected it with a subtle judgmental energy proclaiming “that masculine game is an utter waste of my time – a stupid show of male energy trying to prove their dominance over each other.”
With the subtle judgments having melted into nothingness, I actually enjoy the game while I eat, eagerly engaging in fun bantering conversation with the restaurant owner regarding the teams etc.
Wow, what a difference the subtle shifts can make.
Unexplainable Attachments
Sunday morning I find myself filled with anxious frustration while attempting to solve two silly financial errands that require access to a very unreliable internet connection. The experience stirs a strange and unexplainable feeling of inner anxiety and near panic.
“Is this experience attempting to point out ongoing attachments and fears related to money and connections with things back home?” I ponder curiously.
The anxious moods dominate my entire morning – a strange fact that I share with Keith right before the start of another very bizarre Sunday-afternoon chocolate ceremony.
Waiting Games and Giggles
It is one of those ceremony days that used to stir me up with anxiety, judgment, impatience, and frustration. But today I am prepared for whatever – almost giggling as I watch the first hour of the ceremony be consumed by chaos and distraction as two young men prepare a batch of cacao beans to be taken across the lake for grinding.
During the entire first hour – an hour in which Keith simply meditates – I do just the same. There are only three of us – me, Keith, and a young man. Finally, another man shows up.
“You are just on time.” I giggle. “We have been waiting for you.”
There is no doubt that this is one of those “I am creating my own reality experiences,” and I cannot wait to see where the strange energy takes us. I find it quite interesting that I am surrounded by masculine energy.
To my surprise, we spend almost another hour in absolute silence while the two young workers continue to make final preparations to transport the chocolate beans.
Meanwhile, it is just meditating … meditating … meditating …
Unsuccessful Disengaging
Even though I am in perfect blissful peace in my heart, my abdomen churns with rebellious energy.
“All of this is my creation.” I constantly remind myself. “This is my ceremony, designed by me and for me. I wonder why I am creating it and what is going to happen.”
I attempt to disengage from rational mind and to simply meditate. Finally I sigh, causing Keith to open his eyes and look at me. As I describe the fun and crazy journey – a journey of an observing-but-chattering mind, a peaceful heart, and an agitated abdomen – I also recognize that I am profoundly experiencing the same energy of “impatience” that manifest itself yesterday during our ceremony across the lake.
I again mention my morning of unexplained anxious energy – and how it feels like this afternoon is only causing the anxiety to intensify – causing part of me to want to project, judge, and control the outcome.
“I’m simply disengaging,” I share with Keith, “observing, watching and learning about myself – but this battle is intense and does not seem to be resolving itself. I’m not buying into the agitation. I recognize the presence of ego, and am backing away and not engaging – but the inner turmoil rages on.”
Fixing Resentment
As I discuss the topic of surrendering to my fears without judging them, one young man blurts out a few comments – attempting to relate to me by giving me intellectual advice about how he dealt with the issue of surrender in his life.
I pick up on this energy as being a strong masculine fixing energy – an energy that shows cluelessness as to the real issue or history of what is going on inside me – an energy of trying to solve my issue with rational mind.
Quickly resisting an initial urge to respond, I instead choose to not engage in any way, returning to my meditation while silently sending love to the young man for his pure intentions of trying to help.
It suddenly becomes clear to me that my resentment of “fixing energy” relates to my own dysfunctional beliefs/judgments regarding “clueless masculine behavior.” During my life on the other side of the fence, I was a prime example of a clueless being who tried to help others solve their problems by intellectualizing and preaching. A subconscious part of me hates that masculine side of me so much that I now reject it with excessive resentment.
An Entire Backfield
Again, the meditation goes silent for another half hour. Here I am surrounded by three men – three beautiful examples of masculine energy – totally amazed at the stage play that is engulfing me. Even though I know everything today is my creation, the experience is triggering inner chatter in a nonstop manner.
“I’m trying to disengage from my rational mind by using rational mind as the tool.” I suddenly blurt out to Keith.
“I now realize that you can’t do that.” I add with clarity. “I just remembered that I have an entire soccer team standing behind me in the backfield. All of these higher beings are eagerly waiting to help me handle the ‘chatter’ ball – but I have to step aside and allow them to help.”
To my delight, my mind seems to find a great deal of increasing peace as I simply imagine myself stepping aside while asking the rest of my team to do their part.
A Balanced Partnership
Eventually I pull myself from the game and sit on the bench, asking my teammates to play without me for a while. To my shock, I begin to struggle with a great deal of agitation, mental chatter, and doubts that rapidly surface.
Recognizing these doubts (regarding what I am doing) as being ego based, I thank them and simply turn them over to my teammates. This strategy works at first, but eventually begins to backfire on me as my mental confusion only intensifies. Momentarily, I interrupt another man on the porch who has finally begun to talk about his own journey with left-brain domination.
“When you took yourself out of the game,” Keith explains, “you also took your rational mind out of the game.”
Keith then goes on to remind me that in all his years of working with Higher Beings, none of them has ever put down the rational mind in any way.
“The goal here,” Keith emphasizes, “is to develop a working partnership between left and right, rational and intuitive, mind and heart. It is about getting the two to work together, not taking one out of the game so that the other can dominate.”
Keith goes on to clarify with an example that the head without the heart will create a world with enough nuclear weapons to destroy itself many times over. The heart without the head will create a world of superstition and chaos. Both are needed in perfect balance.
Chaotic Cluelessness
As I again immerse myself in deeper meditation to explore this newly understood concept of left and right brain partnership, the young man across the porch again interjects several more helpful suggestions that deeply trigger my “fixing radar.” Again, I remain silent and simply listen, refusing to engage, while finding myself beginning to judge and resent.
I continue to watch and observe myself while remaining disengaged.
“Oh my gosh,” I finally exclaim to Keith. “My mind and body are in a complete mess of hopeless confusion and projection between masculine and feminine energies. Here I am surrounded by beautiful masculine energy on all sides, and my dysfunctional inner energies want to judge and project all over it.”
I go on to explain that my feminine energy seems to have engaged in a political coup, relentlessly occupying my left brain while pompously projecting degrading judgments onto anything masculine. The masculine mind lives in fear and powerlessness, exiled to the outer reaches of my body, subserviently trying to win love and approval from “her majesty.”
Both the masculine and feminine energies are in complete and utter chaos. Neither fully trusts the other. Both want to find some type or order and balance, but we are so messed up, in such a tangled way, that none of us have a clue as to how or where to begin.
“It is a huge mess of spaghetti in there.” I confess to Keith with frustration. “It is beyond my ability. I need help.”
“Great Job Brenda.” Keith replies with genuine congratulations.
A Comparison Of Clips
After explaining how profound and powerful that this place of “not knowing” actually is, Keith then guides me into a simple visualization, asking me to watch two inner video clips. The first is a clip of my performance on the porch last spring. The second is a clip of my process on the porch today.
“Wow,” I respond to Keith with delight, after having done the visualization. “I did my work with so much grace today – doing it with loving confidence and trust, following the energies wherever they take me, without losing myself in the journey. Last spring I was much less trusting of myself, more emotional, and totally dependent on outside help and guidance.”
“Last spring’s method will take five or six lifetimes to complete.” Keith adds before explaining that my progress today was very real, much faster, easier, more fun, and filled with deep insights.
“Not having a clue is the perfect place to be.” Keith again emphasizes. “Not knowing forces you to trust the flow and to be present.”
Manifesting My Reality
Before leaving, Keith tells me that I am nearing a place in my life where I can participate much more fully in the process of manifestation.
“You need to direct and then allow.” Keith makes his point in very simple words.
Keith explains that we simply need to put a clear direction or intention out into the universe, and to then allow the answer, whatever it may be, to flow, without attachment to the response. If what we get back is not what we thought we wanted, then we need to look inside for the energetic reasons.
“My first intention is that I want to balance my masculine and feminine energies, and to then release the dysfunction that is projected between the two of them – the dysfunction that makes it impossible to have a healthy relationship.” I excitedly tell Keith.
“And my second is that I want to follow my Higher Self’s guidance and direction in a path toward personal growth and enlightenment, taking the most direct, fun, and joyful path possible.”
I am eager and exited to continue forward, and I will gladly accept whatever comes my way as being exactly what I need. There is no doubt that it will be increasingly faster, much more fun, and filled with joyful growth and insight.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved