After a run of nearly non-stop emotional processing for several weeks, I experience a sense of relief when a private chocolate ceremony is canceled. I had been scheduled to accompany Keith and one other friend across the lake to assist in a ceremony with a group of yoga students – but now have a much-needed day off to myself. It is the very first Thursday of 2012.
Feeling a glimmer of hope that perhaps I am ready to resume writing, I sit at my keyboard for nearly an hour of aimless distraction, while simultaneously feeling an inexplicable buildup of emotion. Finally, as I open a message from a dear friend – a message of beautiful unconditional love and support – I surrender to bubbling tears, set my laptop aside, and opt instead to return to processing.
Return To The Beliefs
Following inner guidance, I return to my list of thirteen childhood beliefs – deeply rooted beliefs that I found in my Subconscious Book of Beliefs, just yesterday while in deep meditation.
I engage an experiential technique that a therapist friend of mine calls a “voice circle” – but alter the technique to one that I can do in meditation. I imagine myself back in my dark cave, standing in front of my dear mother. As I read each belief aloud, I imagine my mother repeatedly speaking the belief to me, frantically and forcefully trying to convince me of its truth – to convince me of the horrible consequences of abandoning that belief.
As I verbally respond to my mother’s cherished truths, peacefully standing up, and lovingly speaking my own truth back to her, I feel as if my heart is shutting down, being agonizingly squished and squeezed by intense childhood fears of conflict, by fears of trying to defend myself. Attempts to defend always led to my heart being further shut down and invalidated.
A Bizarre Dilemma
But it is when I get to the belief regarding sexuality that the agony fully envelops me. I feel as if my mother is literally sitting on my heart while I spend more than a half hour meditatively explaining to her that I honor her teachings, but that I no longer believe the absoluteness of the way she taught me.
It is a bizarre dilemma. These teachings are profoundly intertwined with my lifelong self-hatred, guilt, shame, and social dysfunction. These rigid beliefs feel like dogmatic chains that bind me to judgment, hatred, and condemnation. It is as if the very act of publicly denouncing these chains will surely cause everyone I love to suddenly disown me – to withdraw their love with disgust and disappointment at my act of heresy.
The flip side of this dilemma is that I mostly embrace the underlying concepts of these sexual teachings. I have no desire to go sleeping around, nor do I want to engage in what might be termed as promiscuous behavior. If I ever again enter into a relationship, I would see it as a sacred commitment to my partner.
But the guilt-inducing chains of these beliefs have to go. My heart begs for freedom from the agonizing fears. The very existence of these rigid chains anchors me into judgment and hate that would suck out my very life force – anchoring me to the concept of a judgmental God that makes my stomach turn in revolt.
Energetic Jabs
It is a long and emotional meditation, one in which I am shocked to discover the intense power that some of these beliefs continue to wield. While I may no longer believe them, fear of deviating from these beliefs continues to jab me energetically in the heart.
I have a friend who once put special collars on her dogs – collars that would automatically shock them in the neck whenever they began to stray beyond the unfenced boundaries of her yard. The dogs soon learned that it was not even worth attempting to leave the yard – it was too painful. Even if the sensor-controlled system was completely disabled, the dogs would no longer attempt to stray.
I feel as if my distorted belief systems have now been turned off – removed from my subconscious mind – but a part of me continues to fear the consequences of the electrical shocks that are sure to jab me energetically if I stray outside of said beliefs.
Beyond Beliefs
Late Thursday afternoon I do indeed feel emotionally stable enough to resume writing – but I am so far behind that I opt to write a quick summary of my previous three weeks. It has been three weeks of emotional roller coasters, three weeks of painful lows and beautiful highs, three weeks so jam-packed with inner processing that I have barely had enough time to come up for air before again diving back to the depths of another inner exploration.
Late that evening, I proudly publish my first writing of 2012 – a blog titled “A Universe Of Possibility.”
I am indeed exhausted, but very excited by the “Universe of Possibility” that continuously expands as I take baby steps outside of the confines of my own once-rigid points of view.
Energetic Bruises
Friday afternoon, as I sit on Keith’s porch for an afternoon ceremony, I begin to experience intense pains in my abdomen – as if my entire belly is swollen with painful bruises. The sensation of bruising is strongest along the base of my ribcage, running horizontally along my waist all the way to the sides of my body. The area below my ribs is very tender to the touch.
Keith turns to me immediately after completing the glow meditation. I catch him up quickly on my personal journeys of the previous few days, and then express my deep curiosity.
“I literally feel as if I have been energetically beaten up.” I express my sensation of painful bruising.
“These ARE energetic bruises.” Keith surprises me by agreeing.
A Powerful Object Lesson
“Brenda,” Keith begins to guide me. “There is an enlightened being in front of you … one that you trust … one that has worked with you for a very long time.”
“Connect with that being.” Keith gives me innocent instructions.
With no apparent physical cause, I suddenly feel as if something sharp and painful pokes me, about four inches below my belly button.
“OUCH!” I suddenly exclaim as I place my hand at the base of my abdomen. “That really hurts!”
Keith quickly explains to me that the higher being just poked me, energetically showing me exactly what I am doing to myself – how I am energetically jabbing and bruising myself on the inside.
I could have not asked for a more powerful object lesson.
Self-Inflicted Bruises
Soon I am explaining new insights to Keith – about how I did not have just one childhood shutdown – but two. The first was the religious and cultural conditioning that was done to me, mainly by my mother – a conditioning that painfully slammed me into a box of citizen-factory conformity and people pleasing. After that process, I learned to win the conditional love and approval that made me feel happy, yet I was no longer living by my own internal guidance system – no longer in touch with my heart.
The second shutdown happened around age eleven-and-a-half, when the feminine urges in my heart began to struggle for freedom and outward expression.
“I am the one who angrily beat those feelings down.” I share with Keith. “I abused that feminine side of me with horrible hatred and vile judgment. I was the religious bible-banging preacher beating my innocent feminine self down with a heavy stick. Those bruises were self-inflicted.”
Protective Boundaries
“You learned from your mother how to create such psychic bruises,” Keith adds additional insight, “and then you did it to yourself.
I am just beginning to understand the concept, but I totally see how my mother’s profound love and fear for my salvation could cause her, without knowing awareness, to use inner psychic abilities to energetically jab me when I disobeyed or deviated from the confines of my protective yard. Each time I began to stray, she would use her love to poke me and pull me back into the safety of our beliefs.
I learned at a very young age that it was not “energetically fun” to stray from the boundaries of my conditioning.
A Shocking Discovery
“I hate that part of me.” I share with Keith. “He was worse than a child abuser. The energetic abuse was real. That male-me was a real self-righteous judgmental jerk that slammed the feminine, creative, sexual part of me, pushing me to the bottom of that conditioning box and jumping violently on the lid, deeply wounding me over and over again – doing so throughout my teens and twenties – abusing me physically, taunting me emotionally, and destroying me psychologically. It was brutal!”
As I share these feelings with Keith, and with the group, I am angry, swearing, feeling deep hatred at this distorted masculine part of me. I am shocked that so much bitterness remains bottled up inside.
“I thought I had healed all of this masculine self-hatred a long time ago.” I express to Keith with surprise.
“This part is what has squashed me.” I share new unfolding insights. “It is this distorted masculine energy that continues to bang his bible and insist that I must conform to the rules or I will lose family, friends, and security … it is this part that still attempts to dominate me with my mother’s book of beliefs.”
“These are profound insights taking you to another level of self-knowing and discovery.” Keith soon encourages me. “Sit with those insights for a while. Follow them, follow the meditative breadcrumbs … see where they take you.”
A Manifested Nightmare
My buttons begin to be frantically pushed as Keith moves on to work with others. My (distorted) perception is that “Paul” (not his real name) – the young man onto whom I have projected so much in the last weeks – has suddenly been promoted to star healer and “he-who-can-do-no-wrong-on-the-porch” status.
I observe with shock and disgust as I judge my feelings regarding the things I am perceiving.
I am walking on delicate territory here. Keith has explained to me several times that Paul and I are playing out profound scripts for each other, and that his guidance is to allow things to unfold without his interference. I clearly know that I am projecting deep unhealed stuff from inside of me. I clearly know that Paul (a beautiful man) has Keith’s intuitive blessing for everything he is doing. I clearly know that what is being triggered inside me has nothing to do with Paul. And I know with agonizing clarity that the only way to end these nightmarish judgments is to heal myself.
But this young man that continues to push all of my painful buttons is breaking nearly every rule that has ever existed on Keith’s porch – and he is doing so with Keith’s permission and blessing. This is not right. It is literally driving me crazy, taking me to the edge of judgmental insanity. I perceive that Paul is filled with ego and not doing his own inner work – the he is actually in complete denial that he even has any inner work to do. Instead, I see Paul as an unhealed-healer wanting to fix everyone else – using his magical energetic gifts to fix others while avoiding looking inside.
I am in a self-created nightmare. I know this is exactly what I manifested – exactly what I need to explore inside myself. I know that what I hate right now about Paul is what I actually hate about that distorted masculine part of myself. Throughout my teens and twenties, I was in complete outward denial and repression of my inner issues, while putting on an air of people-pleasing perfection and helping/fixing others.
But I am so lost in this pain, that my projections onto Paul literally take me into a present-day nightmare of recreating past pain.
A Perfect Reflection
As I bite my tongue and suppress my inner rage, I note that Paul continues to remind me of my genuine, pure, and well-intentioned little boy. His heart is authentic and loving – he is trying so hard to do the right thing – to help others, etc… I want so badly to be able to love him, but my projections are simply too intense.
I see him as wearing a false mask and that infuriates my sense of inner self-righteousness. I lived my entire teens and twenties wearing such a false mask, and I hate that disgusting mask-wearing abuser who kept me smugly smashed away in a tightly locked box.
I know this is exactly what I need … but it is too real. I DO NOT WANT IT. I want this nightmare to end.
It is only in later conversation that Keith congratulates me for manifesting Paul so powerfully, again reminding me that Paul is serving me perfectly.
Hidden Hatred
I agonizingly observe Paul as he dances around the porch being a master healer – doing so in ways that deeply trigger me. I patiently watch as Keith slowly works his own way around the porch. Finally, I get to share my latest round of insights with Keith.
“I am projecting onto most any male energy,” I painfully admit to Keith, “but especially onto male energy that I perceive as wearing a false mask of denial of his own issues while trying to help and fix others.”
I explain how I was the ultimate “fixer” in my twenties, wearing a mask of self-righteous perfection while perpetually judging and trying to help others to be more righteous.
“I was broken and self-loathing on the inside.” I continue sharing, “yet, I kept that part hidden while professing to have the ability to help others. That desire to help was genuine – and it is a pattern I tried to live with my heart – but all the while I was being the worst type of inner abuser to my creativity, my feminine self, my sexuality, and my magic.”
“I hate that part of me.” I forcefully condemn my distorted masculine side. “I hate anyone that reminds me of that part of me.”
“Wow!” I again express my profound shock to Keith. “How could so much blatant hatred still be living inside of me?”
Impasse And Stalemate
“I feel like I am going crazy.” I confess to Keith. “All of this inner rage and emotion is so bizarre.”
Keith again congratulates me on my self-knowing and insights, making it quite clear that I am doing a great job.
“Bring in higher energy to assist you.” Keith quickly guides me before moving on for another journey around the porch.
To my dismay, as I begin to feel pleasant higher energy flowing in my crown and heart chakras, I am immediately overwhelmed by intense angry emotions in my solar plexus. Still not trusting my ability to work with this anger using higher energies, I try to suppress the emotion. I cry a little, wiping away my muffled tears – but mostly continue to try to bring in more light and loving energy.
Eventually I am totally numb and stuck – at a point of complete impasse and stalemate.
Awkward Honesty
“Congratulations on your work.” Keith tells me as he finally returns to talk with me.
“Just trust where you are right now.” Keith further guides me. “This being stuck is all part of your process.”
Paul soon interrupts and points out that I have been rejecting him during the whole ceremony.
“Yeah,” I admit confidently, deciding to be mostly honest with what is going on. “I am projecting my little boy all over you. You profoundly trigger my hatred of masculine energy – of someone with a genuine loving heart, but someone that I perceive to have the energy of pushing and trying to fix everyone else.”
I want to add the words “with a mask, and not doing you own work,” but I decide that is being a tad bit too honest.
I again sink into tears and deeply apologize to Paul for my projections, emphatically trying to make sure that he knows I have nothing personal toward him – that I am just projecting my own inner wounds onto him.
I feel deeply sad and embarrassed that Paul has noticed my behavior, and that such capacity to project continues to fester furiously inside me.
Pushy Pushback
After a beautiful discussion, Paul ends up trying to make suggestions on how I should be doing my work and how I can move forward. I immediately shut him down.
“He is right you know.” Keith pipes in.
“Paul might be accurate about how my energy is blocked.” I respond to Keith. “But I am unable to hear advice that does not come with an inner license of understanding and compassion – I can’t hear a voice that implies ‘this is where your problem is, now just fix it’.”
Again, I feel deep guilt for what I perceive as my own confrontational rudeness. I am so outside of my comfort zone in this conversation, but recognize that speaking my truth is part of my process.
My biggest trigger with Paul is that he is deeply gifted in seeing what is energetically wrong with someone’s inner energy flow – but I perceive (rightly or wrongly) that he uses that energetic gift as a way of pushing and fixing rather than following. I perceive him as trying to drag people where he thinks they need to be rather than following their own flow to where their soul is taking them. No matter how well someone can see an energy blockage, I will not allow myself to be fixed in a pushy way.
Lost In Confusion
At the end of the chocolate ceremony, in a brief conversation with Keith, he again congratulates me for my powerful manifestation of bringing Paul to the porch – making it clear that my own energy brought him here to trigger the lessons that I need to learn and heal.
To be truthfully honest, my projections are so strong right now, my anger and resentment so triggered, that I cannot separate truth from fiction. I believe there is much truth in my actual perception of what Paul is doing – but Keith continually pulls me back, repeatedly reminding me that it does not matter what Paul does or does not do – that my issue is to look at my projections.
“It is not about Paul, It is not about what it is about, and Nothing changes until you do.” Keith firmly reminds me.
As I walk home, I cringe with pain inside, but a huge part of me wishes that Paul would just go away from the porch and never return. I am also quite frustrated and bewildered that Keith does nothing to rein in Paul’s behavior. I am confused. I feel guilty for feeling such judgmental emotions. I know Paul’s presence is my creation – but he is my nightmare. I know he is my biggest teacher, showing me deeply painful things that I continue to carry inside of me – but I am frightened to look inside.
A Reverse Model
All projections aside, whether they are accurate or not, I am learning powerful lessons about ways in which I will never be a healer. I am learning how critically important it is to follow the energy of the person I am working with – to never push, unless guided by their own Higher Energies to do so – to have deep compassion for their being stuck, for their fears, for their doubts and inability to trust themselves, and for being stuck in their heads, etc…
It seems that I am learning this lesson the hard way – taking the not-so-fun bus – learning by example about why I refuse to ever again perpetrate such fixing and pushing onto another. Just because I observe what is going on in a person does not give me the license to confront them with it. My job is to shine my magical light, to offer a butler tray of divine love and guidance, and to allow their energy to pull whatever they need through me. They are free to receive or ignore what I have to offer.
In spite of feeling that I am in a manifested nightmare, of one thing I am deeply grateful. I am being shown just how unhealed I truly am right now. I cringe at the thought of trying to help others while I continue to have the capacity to project such crap all over them. I think I understand now, more than ever, why my inner healing energies have not yet fully woken up. I have too much integrity to open all of my magic before I know that I am healed enough that I will not use it to harm others.
A Personal Savior
I have no idea just who this “Paul” person is. Perhaps he is doing everything from a beautiful and positive polarity, and my own filtered lenses are simply using him as a cloudy mirror to show me my dark shadow issues. Perhaps he really is acting from a negative polarity and Keith is simply allowing it because it serves us both.
Of one thing, I am absolutely sure. I am not in a state of intuitive clarity where I could know the true answer to the above questions.
“A Course In Miracles” often refers to someone who deeply triggers us as being our “Personal Savior” – a gift to show us where we need to dig for healing gold.
A part of me (the part not lost in my projections) begins to wonder if Paul might actually be an enlightened being that agreed to magically show up on Keith’s porch for the sole purpose of playing this very dense role – a painful script being acted out just for me.
A Tangled Web
As I walk home, feeling exhausted and emotionally rattled, I ponder a few words that Keith had shared with me during our final discussions before I left the porch.
“Brenda,” Keith reassured me, yet again. “Some time ago, I checked out my guidance on the interactions taking place between you and Paul. What I am guided to tell you is that all is perfect, exactly as it should be. Paul is playing the other end of your script – a profound role for you – one that serves you well.”
I take great comfort from this statement, knowing that there is a rhyme and a reason for everything, one that is indeed leading somewhere productive in my healing.
Ego, however, also finds comfort – wanting to gather new projection ammunition from this statement – believing that this confirms that I am right, that Paul’s behavior is indeed inappropriate.
Oh, the tangled web my inner voices weave.
Confused In The Craziness
After a quick Friday evening meal of bland rice and beans, I attempt to quietly rest, putting my distressing day aside – but the voices rage on, refusing to quit.
I clearly recognize that I am lost in ego, because if I were coming from a place of love, I would not have such a strong emotional charge regarding what Paul does or does not do.
But then I go into a profound head game, remembering earlier lessons about how ego can masquerade as any thought or voice in my head – even as an inner child. Confusion swirls as I ponder all of the possibilities – knowing that ego is capable of deceiving me in ways never before considered.
I am so completely confused in the craziness.
Two Choices
By 10:00 p.m., I am going cuckoo in my non-stop ego story telling.
Paul has made it very clear how much he loves Keith’s porch, and that he is not going anywhere. Keith has also made it very clear that Paul is on the porch for a reason, that he is serving me, and that I need to let go of the idea of something outside of me solving the problem – that nothing will change until I do.
Right now, I see two choices in front of me.
The first option – to run away from the porch – is something I absolutely refuse to do. I have a pattern of running away from such social nightmares when I see no other way out. If I were anywhere else in the world, doing anything else, I probably would walk or run away. But at least for now, I am not quite ready to do that.
The second option is to face this nightmare head on, to trust Keith when he tells me that this is my creation, that it is something inside of me that I have powerfully set up for my learning, that the only way to heal this core issue is to dive right in and trust the process.
Right now, I deeply wish I were not so committed to the concept that I create my own reality. That would make it so much easier to run away.
An Interesting Turnaround
As I finally lay down in bed, I begin to see things through a slightly different perspective.
“My teenage boy went through absolute hell to protect me.” I ponder. “He kept me smashed down in that box, not to abuse me, but to keep me safely hidden so that others would not abuse me. If I (my feminine self) had come out and expressed myself, we would have all been destroyed – possibly put in straight jackets – for sure being run through the ringers of church discipline, shame, judgment, psychological intervention, shock treatment, or even a lobotomy. That genuine young man was not out to ‘get me’ –instead, he threw himself on a landmine to keep me safe.”
“All the while,” I continue this line of pondering. “I remained hidden inside that box, hating him as being my jailor, as being my abuser. He hated himself for being a loser. He saw me as the source of his horrible sin – but his biggest pain came from having to keep me secret – in wanting to release me but knowing that such an act would surely condemn him to hell. He abused himself because of me – seeing himself as the pervert. It was me that drove him to that agonizing self-abuse.”
What an interesting turnaround. Both sides are true … both perspectives are accurate … both masculine and feminine did the best they knew how to simply survive … both felt horribly victimized … both felt kicked and abused … and both were me.
Questioning My Reality
Keith has told me that working with masculine and feminine energies inside of myself is big time, advanced work. My ultimate goal here is to get both aspects of my energy to see each other with unconditional love rather than hatred.
“But each of them is projecting onto the other.” I begin a new line of thought. “If they are projecting, does that mean they are also in ego? Can a real aspect of myself project, or is projection itself a sign of being in ego? Is all of this inner battle simply an ego ploy, a smokescreen to hide the real truth?
Again, I begin to doubt myself … to doubt my ability to perceive what voice in my head is real and what might be ego.
As I drift off to sleep, late on Friday night, I am deeply confused and questioning my reality in many different ways. I know that questioning my reality is a good thing, but I am beginning to feel quite insane.
Pattern Recognition
Early Saturday morning (January 7), I am awake at 4:18 a.m., again hacking up fluid from the base of my lungs. As I cough and wheeze through the inner panic, I realize that I am in a showdown with a lifelong pattern. I am playing chicken with an ego that wants to derail me from my process – and I am desperately trying to turn to my head for answers that only become more confusing.
I can clearly see how Paul is brilliantly playing the role that has been played for me many times before in my life. It is a script where I have a very good thing going, I am growing and progressing, getting lots of loving attention and validation. All of a sudden, someone comes along and upstages me, stealing all of the attention, making me look bad, taking all the glory, etc… — and I get pushed out of sight, eventually overlooked and forgotten. Usually I give up, pull up my roots, and start all over again.
This pattern has repeated itself in high school, many job situations, friendships, and nearly everywhere else.
Who Is The Seer
Early in the morning, as I browse Facebook, I come across a quote that profoundly peaks my interest.
“The question isn’t when will you see what the Universe sees. The question is when will you finally trust that you’re the one who sees it.” Facebook page: Sacred Heart Wisdom From Matt Kahn.
“It is time for me to start believing that I really am the divine consciousness behind my own personal self-created reality.” I ponder with wonder. “When am I really going to quit doubting that all of the reality I experience is either something I create or allow?”
“If I am the creator of this reality, then it was all perfectly designed by me and for me – truly having my best interest at heart … including my interactions with Paul.” I continue deeper. “But how do I heal myself so I can quit creating such nightmares?”
Confused And Powerless
“If I have to go through this painful lifelong loop of manifested humiliation and abuse one more time, I would rather kill myself right now.” I ponder with fright.
There is nothing more frightening to me than repeating another one of my painful nightmares from the past. Lost in this panic-ridden fear, I begin to use my head in an attempt to figure out what I am doing and how I might stop doing it. The only method I seem to trust right now is my rational mind. I am desperate to find my way out of this self-created nightmare, but the more I try to figure out what is going on using my head, the more confused, helpless, and powerless I feel.
I start seeing everything in my head as a suspect thought. I start to feel even crazier.
Going Crazy
I spend Saturday morning looping in and out of crazy ego-story loops – repeatedly reviewing and re-experiencing my angry feelings, both about Paul and even a few about Keith. Many times, I burst out in vocal tirades (in the privacy of my own home), telling Paul what I think of him, letting my angry feelings have an expression that I would never allow in public.
Then, at other times, I find that space between anger and projection where I am able to stop, calm myself, clearly recognize ego’s role in all of this, and pull myself back to momentary centering.
“I see you ego.” I speak out when I catch myself in this state. “You are not me. I’m onto you.”
But then, after being quite peaceful for a short while, I again cycle right back into the angry voices and stories of victimization.
I see my crazy looping pattern – it is obvious – but the emotions are so powerful that they overwhelm me. Finally, I return to my bed and attempt some meditation. The only thing I achieve is an extremely agitated energy and a mind filled with more out-of-control chatter.
Help Equals Hurt
“I desperately need help.” I write in a nearby notebook. “I want help, but not from Paul.”
My biggest nightmare now is that the only help that will be offered by the Universe – the help that I will end up having to humble myself and accept – will need to come from Paul.
“I will go to hell first, before I accept help from Paul.” I blurt out angrily.
“Wow!” I ponder in shock. “This is one charged issue! It seems that I have help rigidly linked together as being equivalent to disempowerment, giving up, losing control, and being manipulated – and I see Paul as someone who will do all of that to me.”
“I will not allow someone who is not healed to hurt me.” I again blurt out.
It seems that I continue to have deep issues with unhealed healers – with people in my life that tried to help me feel better, but who only further disempowered me in the long run.
The Space Between Thoughts
Right in the middle of my craziness, I check my email and find a surprise gift. A woman I have never met, one with whom I have never exchanged ongoing communications, sends me a beautiful one-line response to my most recent blog post – one titled “A Universe Of Possibility.” In this writing, I had summarized my crazy difficult journey of the previous three weeks. Her beautiful words are short and intriguing.
“Take a dive into the space between thoughts. There is the portal.”
If I had received this comment from anyone other than “Nancy” (not her real name), I might have ignored it, simply going on with my process. But this comment intrigues me, partly because of what it says, but mostly because of who it comes from. Nancy is an amazingly gifted and creative artist, one who lives elsewhere in the world, one who wishes to remain mysterious and anonymous, one who has done extensive inner work with Keith, and one who I sense truly knows and understands me, even though we have never met.
It seems that my cry for help has been heard.
An Inner License
I quickly reply to Nancy, thanking her, expressing my deep gratitude, and sharing brief details of my “psycho crazy” day and state of mind.
Sixteen minutes later, she responds as follows (many parts omitted):
“I do so ‘get’ what you are going through … I was caught in such a loop until it finally (gratefully) just shattered to pieces … Ego roars loud when it is in danger of losing ‘you’ … and its control over you. As for losing your mind … GO FOR IT!!! I am gratefully learning to be out of my mind … hehe … very freeing.”
As I finish reading the remainder of Nancy’s email, I feel deeply relaxed and peaceful, filled with profound gratitude for her loving support and help.
It is strange, because Nancy’s beautiful words are nothing but that – just words. However, energetically resonating and radiating just beneath her words, I feel a strong vibration of “I have been where you are, I deeply understand what you are going through, and I am here to energetically hold your hand.”
I deeply understand now, what Keith means when he talks about an inner license. Nancy’s communication contains this magical energy – an inner license energy – an energy of “been there, done that, and got the t-shirt”.
Channeled Words
Fifteen minutes later, I respond, feeling deep peace, thanking her and explaining that I am just going to take a mental break and lose myself in some movies for a while.
Just over ten minutes later, I get a surprise response:
“oohhhh watch out for that escape into the videos … it occupies, entertains, and pacifies the mind … keeping the shift level of discomfort from reaching its climax and breaking through. Almost like if you were in labor … and just turned on the TV so it would go away … hey, there is a baby!!!! This journey is one that requires a real undoing of the ego network … and that is not fun!!!! DIVE right to the center of your craziness … go into it, it cannot understand the Light of your Seeing!!! … turn off the frigging videos.”
I giggle as I read Nancy’s email, not only turning off the video, but completely deleting it from my computer. Nancy later apologizes for the bluntness of her words, telling me:
“wow … I sounded kinda bossy there … sorry … the words just channeled out of me without my consent :) LOL … and I pushed ‘send’ without reading it … but I felt the Light. I support you in your process…”
I just giggle, because I can feel the power behind her channeled words. I know they came through her in a very profound way, and I dedicate the remainder of the day to simply sitting with my craziness. I am so grateful for my new friend.
Powerful Possibilities
Soon, I am sitting on my bed, in the darkness of my bedroom, meditating for most of the afternoon. I remember almost nothing other than that I was deeply immersed in relaxing, peaceful, and pleasurable energy. It is a profound meditation that is almost between worlds – between thoughts. It is so deep that the moment I stand up to get some dinner, all conscious memories simply vanish.
By 9:00 p.m., I am back in a crazy state of being numb and lost. When I finally lay back on my pillow, mental ego chatter again consumes me – but this time I have a new attitude. Rather than fighting the chatter and getting upset, I simply observe it, as if I am watching a movie without caring about the plot. I drift in and out of the non-attached craziness for hours, until I finally slide off into what will turn out to be a very short sleep.
This journey is indeed proving to be on par with my worst nightmare – but I am also beginning to experience a feeling of hope – a hope that just maybe I am not going crazy – that I might really be doing something quite powerful – that I really might be in the process of undoing another layer of ego.
… To Be Continued …
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved