Wednesday morning, January 11, I awaken in a state of high vibration energy. Throughout the night, during the times when I was semi-awake, I experienced visualizations with changing patterns, mostly quite simple, but many accompanied by never-before-experienced bright and vivid colors.
After a morning of mostly resting and meditating in this same beautiful energy, I begin to recognize that I have a great deal of emotional charge building inside – emotions having to do with jealousy, anger, and resentment – emotions that seem to have been buried and suppressed during my teen years.
A Little Of Both
As the afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway, I am already feeling very intense pains in my solar plexus during the initial parts of the glow meditation. The interesting twist is that I am feeling a great deal of peaceful energy in my body from the ribcage upward. It is as if I am two separate people – completely vibrating in a loving space in my upper four chakras, while painfully stuck in the lower three.
“Wow,” Keith glances in my direction while he works with someone else. “You have lots of intense solar plexus energy today!”
“I’m wondering if this pain in my solar plexus is all mine,” I ask for guidance, “or if part of it could be something I am taking in from others as well.”
“A little of both,” Keith guides me, confirming my own intuitions.
While sending loving energy to my solar plexus, I focus a great deal of “holding space” energy on the woman with whom Keith is working. She is an extremely sensitive empath that is just beginning to understand her magic. I will call her Jen.
Three Feuding Energies
Soon, Keith pulls up his cushion and sits in front of me.
“I’m trying to send light and love to that intense agitation in my solar plexus.” I explain to Keith. “Inner guidance tells me I am working with three energies – three inner adolescents. The first two are the masculine and feminine aspects of my genuine self as a teenager – the deeply confused but well intentioned, loving selves underneath all of the emotional layers that smothered me during those painful years. The third is the intense resistance energy that self-righteously fought to suppress the other two.”
“These three energies all despise each other.” I share my shock with Keith. “I am trying to send love down there to help them …”
Freudian Slips
“Stop right there, Brenda.” Keith briefly points out my Freudian slip, telling me that my words are implying an inner ‘fixing’ energy.
I had been trying to visualize myself as the divine butler, holding a tray of unconditional love from which the three energies could either partake or ignore – but my actual spoken words were beginning to show that I wanted to push this love onto these energies with a subtle motive of making them reconcile and heal. An impatient aspect of me is so frustrated by the pain that I want to make it go away, and I do not trust that the loving flow of my being can resolve the issue without my pushing.
From similar conversations with Keith in the past, I have learned to pay attention to these Freudian slips – as they show me the subtle difference between my intent in the conscious mind versus what is actually being verbally spoken by a different energy with slightly hidden motives.
“Brenda, stop trying to send energy,” Keith had guided me, “and simply make the love available to those feuding energies. And rather than seeing them as broken and needing your love, see them as your teachers.”
Free Access
As Keith moves on, I shift gears and go very deep into meditation. I suddenly realize that the energies in my abdomen are remnants of all the people in my life whom I have tried to love, but that have seemed to reject me in one way or another, not wanting my genuine love, and breaking my heart.
As I explore these painful experiences, many faces pass through my mind, triggering deep emotional memories. These are the faces of people that I feel have tried to manipulate and control me with what they call love – some faces even trigger lingering emotions of outright backstabbing and betrayal.
“Each of these people is my teacher.” I ponder with clarity. “I need to make myself vulnerable to them, to energetically offer them a butler tray of unconditional love – inviting them to come and partake if they wish – giving them free access to the beautiful love of my heart.”
Open And Vulnerable
Memories take me back to Sunday when I opened my heart to Marie, vulnerably dropping my resistance walls while inviting higher energies to flow through my heart – allowing Marie to pull through me exactly what she needed for her own healing.
With this image in my mind, as I open my vulnerability to all of the feuding energies in my solar plexus, intense fears begin to consume me as I teeter on the edge of outright sobbing. Emotions are intense as I contemplate becoming increasingly open and vulnerable to the energies of those people who participated as seeming-perpetrators in the most painful rejections of my life.
A Genuine Inner Boy
As Keith works with a woman across the porch, Paul begins to sob. Immediately, I begin to sob as well. I am so touched by Paul’s emotional pain.
“Congratulations on reaching your inner child issues.” Keith speaks to Paul.
While crying with him, I make loving eye contact with Paul who sits several feet away. To my delight, he comes over and sits directly in front of me, holding my hands while we sit face to face, in full eye contact, both of us sobbing together.
After about ten minutes, Paul stands up and moves. I love it. I have let go of my animosity and found pure love for both Paul and for that genuine little inner boy inside me – a little boy for whom Paul has been a powerful mirror.
Complex Hatred
As Keith continues to work with others, the underlying theme of their individual work seems to trigger me greatly. It is a theme of self-love and of connecting to a rejected inner child. I frequently slip into more tears, while being repeatedly shocked by the synchronicity of how my tears seem to be simultaneous with Paul’s.
Intuitions have taken me back to working with my three inner-adolescent energies – the masculine, the feminine, and the bible-banging repressor-self that tried to squash and control them both. I invite them all to join me in my inner conference room, hoping that we can sit down for a chat to find some type of resolution to our differences.
But soon, I realize that none of them want to be in the same room together. They hate each other, they utterly despise each other, and their stomachs turn at the thought of having to face one another in close proximity. Very soon, I visualize them as each being in their own walled-off section of the conference room – each hiding behind their own private door.
Things get a tad bit more complex when I get deeply honest with myself. It seems that parts of me continue to hate each one of them as much as they appear to hate each other.
A Subtle Instigator
“I’m working on trying to open a tiny crack in the door to my heart.” I share with Keith when he finally stops to work briefly with me. “All of these hated energies in my solar plexus are separately walled off in that conference room, and they are as terrified of me as I am of them.”
“I cannot even visualize opening a tiny crack in that door to my heart, without sobbing.” I further share.
Keith deeply congratulates me for the profound new understanding. I am so surprised by the intensity of the insights that keep flowing into my awareness. I had no idea that such inner hatred continues to exist, and I seem to be a subtle instigator of that self-hatred.
Time To Receive
“Brenda, are you available to assist me?” Keith asks if I can help him work with Jen.
“I’m still deep in my process,” I respond, “but if you want me to help, I trust that doing so will be what I need as well.”
“Brenda,” Keith surprises me, “just like you, this beautiful woman has an inability to receive love, but she has a profound capacity to share it. She is going to help you do what you cannot do for yourself. She is going to share her love with you.”
As I energetically connect with Jen, staring into her eyes, I imagine that I might be headed for another vulnerability experience such as the one I had on Sunday with Marie – the one so dramatically interrupted by a little green frog. But soon, as I begin to cry quite heavily, Keith informs me that he is inviting a man and a woman to come and hold me from behind. As these beautiful people wrap their arms around me in an unconditionally loving embrace, I totally lose it.
A Love Starved Soul
Seconds later, I break down into screeching sobs as I suck in the desperately craved love – as I feel myself receiving divine unconditional love that has been so blocked until now. I am shocked and overwhelmed by the intensity of my emotional expression as I increasingly surrender to this shower of divine love.
This beautiful man and woman continue to hug and caress me while Jen disconnects and goes into her own process.
The sweet man, a beautiful young man from Guatemala City, repeatedly kisses my cheeks and whispers in my ears things like “I love you God” … “I love you” … “You are so beautiful.”
They are both so active in caressing and rubbing my shoulders and back, in kissing my cheeks etc…, that I find it quite distracting – but I do not reject anything. I crave the genuine love. I inhale it into my love-starved soul.
Resistance Is Futile
Soon, Paul and Jen each place hands on my knees, energetically connecting and showing their loving support as well. I feel no more need to reject any offer of love and support. I feel no defensive attempt to judge whether or not the love that is offered comes with pushing or fixing. I simply have no walls.
I am surrendering, allowing myself to freely receive all of this beautiful love that is being offered – yet part of me resists, feeling profoundly hesitant. I want to open the door to my heart a little wider – I want to receive even more of this beautiful love – but something inside feels terrified of more brokenhearted pain if I do so.
“In spite of your fears,” the Jedi voices whisper quietly, “the door to your heart is already opening.”
Heartfelt Speculation
“How are you doing?” Keith eventually checks in with me.
“I think I opened the door to my heart, just a tiny bit.” I respond with a loving grin.
Paul laughs loudly, quickly stating that I opened up much more than just a tiny bit.
“I think this blockage is my blown fuse.” I speculate to Keith. “I have been shattered so many times by rejection and heartache that I finally blew my ‘receiving love’ circuits as a protection mechanism. I could not risk it any more … a vulnerable and open heart was just too frightening.”
“I burned the fuse, refusing to be vulnerable ever again,” I continue speculating. “I knew that one more lightning bolt of rejection and heartache might fry all of my circuits, and might literally kill me.”
Keith does not respond to my speculation, but he does smile a big smile, leaving me to wonder just what he is thinking. I get the feeling he agrees that I am onto something.
Feeling My Pain
Eventually, I curl up on the ground under a blanket, almost in shock, while observing the energy differences between my heart and solar plexus chakras. I feel energy flow that is tingly and painful – but it is no longer totally blocked, I do feel some flow.
As I continue observing, a sharp column of pain forms from just below my sternum, right down the center of my abdomen and ending at my groin. I surrender and allow, but the pain is excruciating. Jen begins to feel sharp pains in her body, not only in her abdomen, but also at the spot where I normally feel that “nail-in-the-heart” pain in my chest.
What is strange is that I myself am not feeling the heart-chakra pain. I am surprised when Keith tells Jen that she is working with me – that she is feeling my pain.
Intuitively, I know that the pain in my abdomen is resistance to a vertical energy channel that wants to open – but that a frightened hidden part of me continues to fight.
Building Trust
I am exhausted and unable to make more progress. As I begin to feel my own “nail-in-the-heart” pain, I further surrender.
“Help, Keith,” I beg for guidance. “What do I do with all of this pain?”
“Go inside and find the answer.” Keith guides me
“I feel that I am being guided that I have done enough for today,” I finally share with Keith. “My heart is telling me it is time to take a break, to build trust in what we did today – and that I am being told this is a lesson in not pushing the river, in not trying to go too fast.”
“I am being guided to just trust,” I continue, “and to learn that I am not the one doing this awakening … that it is happening through me in a perfect synchronous flow … that I need do nothing but cooperate with that flow. It is not my task to finish the job. This is about building trust in the flow and simply surrendering.”
Giving And Receiving
As I sit resting and integrating, most of the group gradually disappears from the porch – but my friend Jen remains behind, still doing her own processing. As I begin to share energy with her, I note that my own pains fade considerably. I am delighted to see that my own heart strengthens when I send energy to someone else.
Tonight is a chocolate bagging night. Isaias has taken over 250 pounds of lightly-roasted and peeled cacao beans over to San Pedro for grinding, and I have rarely missed the adventure of assisting in the bagging process – of helping to put that liquid chocolate into bags before it all hardens.
But my heart tells me I will not be helping tonight – that I want to go home and integrate – to simply allow myself to rest and receive more of that divine love. For the second time ever, I pass up the opportunity to participate in chocolate bagging and instead choose to do what is best for me.
After walking home with Jen, showing her where I live, and hugging her goodnight – I climb my stone staircase, gobble down a quick meal, and curl up on my cozy daybed to take notes about an amazing and emotional day.
A Mutant Movie Marathon
Early Thursday morning, as I quietly contemplate the possibility of resuming my writing, I hear someone calling my name from below my windows. When I peek out, I see Jen calling from the sidewalk below.
What would have been a writing day turns into a beautiful morning of discussion. I giggle with delight as I slip into counselor mode, being completely present, supporting, loving, holding space, and encouraging – all while not validating ego. It is a beautiful experience. Wow! My writing does not happen, but what does happen seems far more important.
After a quick walk out to Keith’s porch for a chat, I return home and choose to indulge myself in a day of movies.
When contemplating “what to watch,” I am surprised when I feel ‘randomly’ drawn to watch the X-Men trilogy – all three of them. I could not possibly predict the emotions that are about to be triggered.
Tarot Teasers
I have not been into Tarot cards all that much since my Sun Course at Las Piramides Del Ka, but lately, I have been drawn back to them more and more. Just before beginning my mutant marathon, I feel strangely guided to first pull three Tarot Cards. Two of those cards are very positive, with one being the Ace of Wands, the highest card in the spirituality suit. But the third card I pull is the Three of Swords – one of my least favorite cards of all. It shows a large red heart with three swords stabbing it. To me, this card can have several meanings depending on the intuitive context, but right now, it screams of “broken heart” – a topic that does not now resonate with me, not at all.
Just after a dinner break, I decide to try again, this time pulling seven cards. To my shock and dismay, right in the exact middle of those seven cards, surrounded by beautiful spiritual cards, is again the Three of Swords. I have not pulled this card in a very long time, and now I pull it twice in the same day, surrounded by spirituality.
After asking for clarity on this unwanted card, I then pull one more card – the Ace of Wands for the second time today – telling me that this broken heart has a lot to do with the core of my spiritual quest. As I further ponder, it is obvious that my work this week involves feeling stabbed in the heart, having a broken heart, and having my love rejected.
Still feeling quite clueless regarding what lies ahead, I again put the cards away and push “play” on the third movie, “X-Men: The Last Stand”.
A Disgusting Mutant
I am deeply identifying with the metaphors in this movie trilogy, especially with the metaphor of magical children being born on the earth – each having special physical, energetic, and/or mental abilities that seem quite frightening and even evil to the general population. These “mutants” face extreme prejudice from family and friends, being forced to hide their gifts from the world. In fact, there are those creating extreme panic in the government about the mutants’ very existence.
I am shocked by one scene that causes me to sob.
A young adolescent boy is hiding in the bathroom, behind locked doors. In shameful desperation, the boy is frantically attempting to cut off the beautiful magical wings that have begun to grow on his back. Blood and feathers are everywhere as this panicked young man struggles to eliminate the cause of his horrible shame.
Suddenly, the father comes banging on the bathroom door, shouting out statements like “What are you doing in there?” and “Open the door this instant!” The young boy begs his father to go away, calling out that he is fine … but the father finally forces his way into the bathroom to find the shocking scene of a dejected and frightened young boy, filled with shame.
The father’s expression tells it all. He is devastated that his son is a disgusting mutant.
Behind Closed Doors
Shortly before midnight, as the closing credits fade on my computer screen, my inner energy is deeply shaking and agitated – but I am not fully sure as to why.
As I try to drift to sleep in the quiet darkness of my bedroom, I ponder the scenes of destruction and fighting … I ponder the disharmony in the world between those who are waking up to their magic and those who would judge and condemn the magical … and I remember that agonizing scene of a frightened young boy, horrified that his father discovered his evil secret.
I feel this boy’s pain. I too had many such experiences – both literal and metaphorical – where I was hiding behind closed doors, desperately attempting to conceal my true self, my shame and self-loathing at being different, absolutely knowing that if my evil nature was exposed to family and friends, that the judgment and shame would literally destroy my very soul.
Familiar Heart Races
As I lie in bed, my body and chest are shaking and extremely agitated. I fall asleep a couple of times, dreaming, but not resting. At 2:43 a.m. I awaken, having three colorful images vividly imprinted in my mind – a beautiful spotted jaguar (leopard), an angry threatening tiger, and a happy house cat.
My heart is racing so fast that it frightens me. In panic, I attempt to check my heart rate, but I am unable to even locate my pulse. My chest feels as if my heart is actually shaking rather than beating rhythmically. Finally, I locate a weak pulse that is very rapid. Without actually measuring, I estimate that my heart is thumping away around one hundred beats per minute.
I go back to sleep and soon wake up again, still in this panic. Suddenly, I remember how familiar this state feels. Many times, during those frightening teenage years, I would lie awake all night long in such heart-racing panic. I constantly lived in a state of self hatred and panic that someone would discover my evil secrets – that someone would find me locked in that bathroom trying to hide those magical wings.
A Protesting Heart
“Am I experiencing the panic of this broken heart as hinted in those Tarot cards?” I ponder.
I attempt to meditate and to connect with higher energies, but my inner energy is shaking too violently to be able to focus. My body feels like that angry tiger is shaking in my chest – a predatory tiger that is trembling after running over a hundred miles without rest. My heart is acting as if it is about to stop, to collapse, to break, and to simply give up.
Intuitions tell me I am fine, that this is merely an “energetic/ metaphorical panic attack”, that this is part of my process, and even though my body feels frightened, I remain quite peaceful. I wander out to my day bed for a change of scenery, raising my feet and head on big pillows, hoping this new position will allow for some relaxation during the remainder of the night.
Memories flash through my mind – memories of my inner work this week – memories of saying “I would rather die than accept help from Paul” – memories of later saying “I would rather die than accept help from God” (distorted God/separation drama). I remember how I cracked the door to that inner conference room on Wednesday, at last beginning to allow beautiful divine love into my heart.
“Is this my heart protesting, wanting to metaphorically die rather than to connect with these higher energies?” I ponder the crazy-making metaphors.
Heart Metaphors
At 7:25 a.m., I finally give up on the idea of further sleep, get out of bed, and actually measure my pulse. Even now, my heart continues to rapidly beat at over ninety beats per minute. All relaxation and meditation attempts are futile. I have been up repeatedly all night long, receiving almost no sleep at all.
As I attempt a semblance of meditation, I ponder the metaphors of my vivid images. Intuitions clearly whisper that the jaguar represents my genuine male energy, and that the happy cat represents my genuine female energy – both of which were simply doing the best they could. And it seems clear that the angry tiger represents the bible-banging resistance energy that would obliterate the other two with judgment and all-consuming condemnation.
This metaphor deeply resonates, especially given that the images were all cats. To me, cats represent the archetype of ignoring society’s voices and instead following your own heart, regardless of what others might say or expect.
Surrender To Love
Another image pops into my mind. In the final scenes of the movie, a powerful mutant named Jean was indeed an angry tiger, consumed in her angry power, destroying everything around her. Wolverine, representing the loving masculine energy slowly approaches her, being deeply wounded by Jean’s attack, but going forward anyway.
“You would die for them?” Jean momentarily stops her attack to confront Wolverine, referring to his self-sacrifice to save all the others.
“No, I would die for you.” Wolverine replies, showing his healed and pure unconditional love – a love with no conditions or attachments.
Only because of Wolverine’s unconditional love does Jean stop her destruction and surrender to her own fate.
“I really do feel like, when I open my heart to allow in outside energies, that I am surrendering to that angry tiger.” I ponder deeply. “Opening my heart feels like I am forfeiting my very existence – and in many ways I am.”
Powerful Preparations
“These energies in my abdomen are mutant children.” I ponder as I stroll out to Keith’s porch, a full thirty minutes early. “They are my teachers. I need to love and accept them for who they are, rather than trying to cure them.”
“I know I am really early,” I apologize to Keith when I arrive, “but my energy is so agitated that I cannot function at home right now. I need distraction and support. Do you mind if I hang out here before the ceremony?”
As I assist Keith in pre-ceremony setup, my energies stabilize considerably.
“You are in a very good place right now.” Keith reassures me after I have brought him up to date with my journey.
There is no doubt whatsoever that whatever last night was for, that it has prepared me in some powerful way for what I am about to do on the porch today.
A Hopeless Dilemma
As the “Friday the Thirteenth” glow meditation gets underway, I continue to feel deeply distracted, trying to bring in light and higher energies while steeped in agitation. Finally, giving up, I delve deeply into my own inner journey.
I am suddenly taken back into that profound scene in the movie last night when the young boy with angel wings was sobbing in a locked bathroom, desperately trying to cut off his wings while his father is out in the hall banging on the door.
I begin to sob profusely as I relate emotionally to the anguish of trying to hide my own gender struggles from my parents – feeling horribly ashamed of ‘who I was’ – drowning in self-hatred – knowing that my parents could never support me, that they could never know about the real me. I abhorred myself and empathically felt the energy of their intense judgment of my confusing and hopeless dilemma.
“How are you doing?” Keith briefly interrupts the glow meditation to check in with my deeply emotional process.
An Ugly Mutant
After a short conversation in which Keith encourages me to go deeper, the glow meditation continues and I resume a nightmarish journey into agonizing teenage emotions.
I feel the horrible anguish of my teenage-self hiding in shame and self-disgust. I feel the unexpressed anguish of my parents, wanting to help me, but being locked out of my life. They have seen several clues regarding my struggles – a few metaphorical angel feathers and drops of blood that were not concealed well enough in that locked bathroom – but I have huge walls around me, and keep my heart-doors tightly locked.
And I deeply feel the horrible anguish of that bible-banging preacher energy – an energy that desperately slams me with the self-judgment of being an ugly mutant.
This emotional pain is excruciating. Each time I go into it I begin to sob intensely. And I go into it repeatedly as Keith slowly works his way around the porch.
Denied Negativity
Eventually Keith begins to work with a man I will call Tom. Tom is a first-timer on the porch, one who has been trained that spirituality means denying all negativity, pushing all unhealed emotions down into the cellar, and covering them with layers of whitewash to hide them. I perceive that Tom believes that exploring emotions and dense energies via inner work is bad – that any expression of dense energy is a sign of victimization and weakness. I do not judge Tom for these beliefs. He has come about them quite sincerely – and many spiritual paths actually teach that the path to enlightenment involves mentally denying all negativity, mentally manipulating it right out of visible existence (which only hides it).
I had been a little shocked by Tom’s comments before group started, when I mentioned that I was struggling, and would probably be doing some deep inner child work today. He had responded by belittling me, implying that such inner work was weak and silly – actually putting himself above me – in a way quite common of people that are afraid to explore their inner densities.
“We simply need to see our parents through the eyes of when they themselves were young, as struggling adults who did not know how to live their own lives. Then we can forgive them and let go of the negative stuff.” Tom had shared with me, implying that it is all so blatantly easy.
Nightmare Reflections
As Keith works with Tom, I perceive Tom’s responses as reflecting profound spiritual ego and complete denial that anything negative exists inside of him. Keith makes a few genuine and gentle attempts to give Tom hints about his spiritual stuck-ness – but Tom simply plays with Keith, humorously jabbing back with stabs of sarcastic denial.
Keith handles it beautifully, lovingly allowing Tom to live in his own stuck thoughts, quickly moving on to work with someone who would actually like some assistance.
Meanwhile, as I observe, I find myself being deeply triggered by what I perceive as extremely distorted masculine energy. The whole process of watching Tom’s behavior causes me to experience nausea. Part of that nausea is the nightmarish fear of having just left one nightmare, and realizing that I am on the edge of jumping right into the middle of another. Part of that nausea is the realization that Tom is playing a profound script for me. Realizing that I own the opposite end of this script, I begin to question myself deeply.
“No … not again … I cannot do this.” I simultaneously and silently protest.
Both R Us
“Why is this triggering me so?” I panic.
I quickly attempt to use mind techniques to vanish the emotion – the same type of technique that I imagine Tom might do – but the emotions only get stronger. I clearly recognize that I am projecting and that my emotional reactions are not about Tom.
“Is Tom’s triggering behavior so painful because it is what others did to me,” I question myself, “or is it reminding me of what I did to others?”
“Both,” I reluctantly admit to myself after a few minutes of pondering.
On the one hand, I was raised in an airtight box of spiritual ego and denial, being taught that my religion was the one and only path to the highest kingdom of heaven. I was taught that expression of what were deemed as “negative emotions” was absolutely forbidden – that such negative emotions were sinful. I was taught to disguise my life with a layer of happy white paint, suppressing and pretending that my dark shadows did not exist. Yes, throughout my life, I was squashed into a carefully crafted airtight box by people quite similar to Tom. This spiritual judgment and ego, along with the whitewashing of emotion, was the source of my childhood and teenage dysfunction … big time.
On the other hand, I became Tom, I was Tom – partially on the outside, and absolutely on the inside. I became that spiritual ego – that judgmental enforcer. I manipulated both myself and others into suppressing their negativity and further entrenching themselves into whitewashed denial. I hate to say it but I, as that bible-banging preacher energy, was the one that forced my genuine masculine and feminine energies to remain sequestered in dark cages stashed away in my solar plexus.
Focused Anger
“Do I need to go into these emotions of projection?” I genuinely question myself. “Or can I simply see Tom as being Kermit, and then ignore the projections?”
“By simply letting the projection go, I am being just like Tom, simply pushing the feelings down.” I ponder.
I realize that the only way to proceed here is to explore the emotions – but to explore them on the inside, completely detached from Tom.
In the case of Paul, I had already dealt with my emotions at the time that I was visualizing him as Kermit – such that seeing Paul as Kermit was simply my way of no longer buying into old patterns. But with Tom, I have not yet dealt with these emotions on the inside, so simply ignoring them is not the answer.
Soon, in “create-my-own-reality” shock, Tom lies down on the porch, sticking his ugly bare feet into my personal space, completely blocking my legroom. I am suddenly experiencing so much disgust at what his energy represents that I want to scream. But rather than expressing that anger outwardly, I focus that intense anger at my own inner “airtight box” – my own box of locked-away denial that was built and maintained by similar types of distorted masculine suppression energy.
Pay Dirt
“I have hit pay dirt.” I congratulate myself for detaching from external reality and instead using the trigger to go inside.
Soon, I pull a scarf over my head and proceed to go deeper. I use the scarf to block all sight of Tom, because right now his very existence triggers me.
Keeping my voice as muffled as possible, I sob underneath my scarf. The emotional pain of self-recognition is intense. I am shocked at the clarity I find – at how I have been both sides of this “Gestapo” energy – a massively distorted masculine energy that would manipulate and control others (inside and out).
Repeat Performance
Just before Keith finally returns to work with me, Tom gets up and leaves the porch. I am so relieved, because I know that I could never continue processing this issue with him being present.
As soon as I fill Keith in on what I am doing, he cuts me off …
“This is your own teenage airtight box.” Keith guides me. “It is a reflection of your God/Deity drama that you are playing out yet again, this time by projecting onto Tom.”
“Yeah, I hear you,” I respond in agreement, “That is exactly what I am trying to tell you. I Know I am projecting. I have completely detached from Tom and I am looking on the inside for the healing.”
Surrender, Allow, And Observe
“Start allowing the energy blockage of this airtight box to be released to them.” Keith soon guides me after assembling four or five empaths to sit in front of me.
I flounder in self-doubt as I ‘try’ to find and release the energetic remnants of this box. I discuss these ego doubts several times with Keith before I am able to confidently reassure myself that rational mind cannot tell me how to do this.
Finally, I simply go into meditation, bring love into my heart, express my intent, and visualize myself stepping back into the role of loving, relaxed, observer – simply surrendering.
“There, now you are allowing more of that energy to flow out of you.” Keith gives me much needed feedback.
I would love additional feedback, but am grateful for what I get. I simply observe my inner energies and sensations, not trying to direct anything. As I do this, I note that the sharp pain returns at that “nail-in-my-heart” spot, as do mild pains down the center of my sternum all the way to my groin.
An Energy Blockage
The energy flow is so slow that I feel almost nothing, but Keith reassures me that a tiny trickle is moving, at my own pace. He tells me that the pains I am observing are my resistance as the energy is barely squeaking by.
“This is a trust building process.” Keith reassures me.
As doubts swim into my mind, and there are many, I simply thank them and ask them to swim on.
Suddenly, I sense the presence of a slight protrusion of energy that has left my heart center. Keith congratulates me, and then instructs me to put my hand out, grab the released energy, and to put it back inside me.
As I do this, I suddenly loose all sensitivity and go back into doubt. When I share my frustration with Keith – he tells me that the energy that I partially released (allowing me to feel) and then put back (preventing me from feeling) is part of the energy blockage that restricts my sensitivity.
“Now, let it go again.” Keith guides me.
Gradually, I feel increasing energy sensitivity (ever so small) and return to a peaceful place of meditative focus – but that energy blockage mostly remains stuck in place.
A Never-Ending Yarn
After about thirty minutes of inner work that was focused entirely on me, Keith performs a quick empath training, and then does a meditation that I have only seen him do once before. He calls it a “God Socket” meditation – explaining that each of us, somewhere in our abdominal region, has an energetic place where we connect to God, Goddess, All That Is, or whatever else you might want to call it.
In a long beautiful meditation, Keith guides everyone to meditatively locate such a place, and to begin cleaning it out – removing whatever is clogging our connection.
As I begin metaphorically pulling things out of my God Socket, I am stressed to feel a confusing metaphor. I feel as if I am pulling on an old piece of yarn. I pull, and pull, and pull, and pull. More and more yarn keeps coming out, but there is never an end. It seems like no matter how much yarn I pull out of this place, I never reach the bottom, I will never be done.
“Help, Keith, I’m lost.” I beg for guidance as I explain my metaphor.
“It is a metaphor of your mind.” Keith responds. “It is showing you the “work, work, work” mentality of always doing and never getting there, of endless distraction and inner work, yet never arriving.”
Succeeding At Failure
I redouble my efforts, this time getting out of my head and focusing on stepping out of my mind.
“My mind cannot tell me how to step out of my mind.” I again ponder the paradox.
Soon, I simply express my intention to the Universe and imagine that I am indeed pulling the final strand of yarn out of that now-empty place. I literally have to “fake it till I make it.”
For me, this meditation has been a powerful eye-opener, showing me that my mind is creating one more emotional density after another, always having another issue to work through before I arrive at the next level. I am tired of this “succeeding at failure” loop. It really is time to surrender my old way and to allow the Higher Energies to help me.
When Keith asks us to now fill up this cleaned-out place with what really belongs there, I begin to experience sharp pains in my lower-second chakra – showing me that more issues remain. If only I can allow more of that divine love to assist me.
Stuck In Seriousness
At the end of the ceremony, Paul asks Keith if he will show a short video to those still on the porch. I have seen it a few times and have no desire to watch it again. It is a video about being a joyful free spirit. But right now, a very strong part of me refuses to allow me to access that joy – and as a result, the video triggers me deeply. (If you wish to watch the video for yourself, it can be found at: www.wayseermanifesto.com.)
While Keith is setting it up, I am almost in tears as I step into his kitchen to tell him I am leaving to go home now.
“Brenda,” Keith lovingly responds. “Why don’t you stay and face your resistance and see what magical results come up.
As I mostly sob my way through the ten-minute movie, I realize that my emotional triggers come from the space of feeling like a loser, being deeply stuck in seriousness, lost in endless inner work, and unable to reach that space of playful joy.
When the video is over, everyone scatters, and Keith returns to his kitchen for evening chores. Finally, after about twenty minutes of silently meditating, I call out to Keith.
“So,” I beg for guidance, “did you have something in mind for me to process with this? I am so stuck in seriousness … so beating myself up …”
Keith soon returns to the porch where we spend most of the next hour talking.
Learning Compassion
After discussing my initial feelings, Keith reinforces me on the powerful work that I am doing, pointing out the deep core issues that I am working on with courage and determination, reassuring me that while I am repeatedly going into ego-resistance loops, that I have made tremendous progress in relaxing my resistance to Higher Energies over the last month.
“It has all been perfect in teaching you compassion as a healer.” Keith reassures me. “It is a process that you set up for yourself, to force you to continue flogging yourself until you find enough self-love to break out of the loop – so that you will be able to have compassion for others and have that inner license.”
We talk about such stuff for a very long time. I love how Keith coaches me about my self-flogging tendencies without making me wrong for doing it. In fact, he makes it right, explaining that it is a profound part of my process … until I no longer do it. Keith reassures me that a large part of letting go of ego comes in the recognition of the decision points, at which time we decide if we will listen to ego’s lies or if we will make a different choice. Eventually, we will simply forget to take the bait.
A Beautiful Flow
Keith reassures me that it was my own creation to limit my energetic abilities and sensitivities so that I will fill myself with jealousy and doubt at the magical younger generation who repeatedly show up on the porch with so much beautiful energetic sensitivity.
“Brenda,” Keith points out something I have not thought about. “Not one of them has yet gone into a single core issue.”
Wow, this puts it all into perspective again. Yes, I am shut down to the energies while many of these beautiful young people are not … but I am doing deep and profound inner work. I actually feel grateful for my path. In the process of struggling, I am learning compassion and humility that I could never have learned if my energetic gifts had awakened so easily.
“You designed it this way.” Keith reiterates. “You wanted to remain stuck until you get the learning and compassion that you need. There is nothing wrong here … it is unfolding as you designed it … you are not a loser.”
“Any other teacher would have given up on me long ago.” I confess to Keith. “I love how you have done your own inner work so that you, yourself, have the compassion and patience to work with someone as dense and ‘stuck in my head’ as me … you understand my struggle more than anyone else possibly could … you have been there in your own way.”
“Brenda, you know you are immersed in a beautiful flow.” Keith repeatedly reminds me. “You know that on a daily basis you see how you manifest and create exactly what you need in a profound, methodical, divinely planned journey of step-by-step undoing and healing. Just continue to trust that flow.”
A Marvelous Magical Mutant Adventure
Even as I review just the previous twenty-four hours, I am blown away by the amazing synchronicities of the divine flow that guides me. Simple things such as pulling the “Three of Swords” twice – and of being guided to watch the X-Men trilogy – and vivid images in a dream – all guided me into broken-hearted metaphors that allowed me to deeply and profoundly process the unhealed energy of three self-hating teenage aspects of myself.
But the flow is obvious almost every day. It was equally as obvious on Wednesday as I witnessed the beautiful shifts in my friend Paul – and as I actually allowed Paul and others to assist me in a process that profoundly weakened the walls around my heart – that helped me open the door to allow in more beautiful divine love that will forever change me.
Yes, many of my magical gifts continue to elude me, while energetic blockages continue to clog several of my chakras … but WOW … when I compare myself to where I was a year ago – even a few months ago – I am blown away. Energies flow through me in ways I never imagined possible. I have an unbending trust in the inner flow that guides me – I find almost daily evidence to strengthen my beliefs in creating my own reality – and the level of compassion I am developing for myself and others is blossoming every day.
As I drift off to sleep, I experience more pleasurable and magical energy bursts in my spine and hands than ever before.
I love my marvelous magical mutant adventure.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved