Note: this is part three of a multiple-part story. If you have not yet read “Parts 1 and 2,” you may want to read them first …
After a beautiful sound sleep, I wake up Monday morning, May 14, 2012, feeling like a new person. All of the crazy, confused, distraught, self-hating emotion that had been flowing through me like a river last night – all of that emotion seems to have vanished.
To my delight, I feel quite good inside – other than the fact that I am now in a state of integrative shell shock.
Empowered Humiliation
As I show up at Keith’s house for my 9:00 a.m. private appointment – one that last night I had desperately needed – I am in a completely different space. Rather than process at the emotional level, Keith feels guided simply to talk with me at the rational-mind level.
When I share how – as crazy as I looked yesterday – that I know it was all what I needed in my process, Keith agrees that he too simply observed me, knowing that I was perfectly fine and doing want I needed to do – knowing that there was no need to intervene in my process.
“The stuff that flowed through me was profound in showing me why I have been so committed to the God drama, and in playing out the games with Deity,” I share with Keith. “I had no idea that so much anger at my empath magic and at a life of social dysfunction could even exist.”
“At the end, I was in a state of hopelessness, not wanting to be on the porch, not wanting to even be on the planet,” I continue. “Yet throughout it all I was deeply empowered, knowing that if anyone had tried to intervene against my wishes that I could easily have responded in loving self-defense.”
“I am more empowered than I have ever been,” I giggle to Keith, “doing what I need to do to go deeper. There is nothing wrong here.”
In this empowered state, I am quite clear that Keith is not abandoning me. I am not a poor-me victim – instead I am simply the physical vessel, allowing myself to feel these intense and painful emotions, allowing myself the humiliation of exploring them in a group of my projected worst nightmare – a social and happy group of people who see me as weird because they do not understand what I am doing.
“The fact that you were observing yourself for the whole time is quite profound,” Keith points out to me. “More and more you are increasingly becoming less identified and attached. Yesterday you observed and were not attached to the emotions, but instead allowed yourself to go deeper than ever before. You still had to feel the pain, but you knew at the same time that the pain was empowering … it was not “poor, poor me.””
Wow, I love Keith’s feedback.
Roommate Whispers
Soon, I bring up my frustrations and emotional pain regarding the triggers coming up with having a roommate.
“I know I was guided to invite Sufi to share my space,” I ask Keith for feedback, “but early yesterday morning I began to seriously struggle with wanting her to leave.”
“Why am I attracting and willingly participating in a situation that I KNOW will continue to trigger me, and to force me into more growth, when I absolutely feel saturated with growth already?” I beg Keith for an outside viewpoint. “I truly love Sufi as a roommate, but cannot handle any more growth right now! I would just as soon have my isolation and privacy so that I can write and integrate without bringing in any additional emotional triggers.”
Keith lovingly points out something I already know … reminding me that asking Sufi to leave would be an act of avoiding the loving and gentle whispers – the loving and gentle triggers that she, and the flow of our interactions, are bringing into my process. (Keith is referring to a profound saying that if we do not listen to the whispers, we will have to hear the shouts.)
“You set this up in your flow, Brenda,” Keith’s words resonate with me. “If you use your head to stop listening to the flow – to run away and to make your life easier in the now – then the shouts will just get louder in the future, and you will continue to manifest things to trigger you in ever-increasing and more painful and dramatic ways.”
“Your head is not the tool to make this decision,” Keith continues his guidance. “Your heart is the way to determine if you are in the flow or if you are fighting the flow.”
“Just give it another week before you make any decisions,” Keith shares what his own guidance is telling him. “Use this as an opportunity to learn how to set loving and healthy boundaries.”
Bluntly Honest Please
I take advantage of this beautiful friendly conversation to pick Keith’s brain about various situations on the porch, learning more and more about why his guidance tells him to call one person on their ego, another on their disruptive behavior, and to then just completely ignore such behaviors in others. He reminds me what I already know, that his goal is to be present in the moment, to follow the energies that guide him to “What is in the highest good at this moment?” There are no rules … it is about being present.
“You are not scamming yourself,” Keith repeatedly responds when I beg him to be bluntly honest with me about my process.
He explains that when he checks his own guidance (which he does often) that he repeatedly gets the answer that I am in a beautiful flow. He then emphasizes that I am still not fully utilizing Higher Energies and doing things the easy way – but that I am doing things the way that I need to do them right now – the way that my flow is guiding me.
“Things are just as they need to be in your process,” Keith again responds when I ask about negative feedback from a porch friend. “There is no scamming, and no unnecessary drama.”
Next, I ask for feedback about my intuition that I have only begun to access and release all the anger and rage emotions inside me – but that I did get deeply in touch about the games I am playing with Deity.
“You have taken the lid off the emotion,” Keith feels guided to share. “Much of that emotion might be able to flow with the light, but you may hit other blocks that require more release.”
“Brenda, you need to quit trying to control or micromanage your process using your head,” Keith then counsels me again. “Your head cannot diagnose, figure out, or predict the future. Surrender to your flow. Be where you are and not where you think you should be. Follow what you know in your heart.”
Angelic Possibilities
I arrive at home shortly before noon. To my delight, Sufi is home, and I find the courage to have a loving and honest discussion with her about many topics.
I almost giggle when I carefully discuss that “rose scent” with Sufi. She is quite surprised, indicating that she did not spray anything at all in my apartment, and that she had not smelled a thing when she came home last night.
“Maybe it was an angelic scent designed for your nose only,” Sufi had suggested with a giggle.
The idea intrigues me deeply as I ponder whether the whole scenario was simply a setup to cause me to face more inner triggers, to have my earlier conversation with Keith, and the one I am now having with Sufi.
After a quick trip for my favorite burger and fries – magical inner child food for me – I spend the afternoon losing myself in movies. I feel burned out on emotional focus and simply need to escape to another reality.
A Leaf On The Wind
Tuesday morning, I again awaken with slightly rebellious, God-drama-like emotions flowing through me. Finally, after stalling and resisting my urges to resume my writing, I open an email and discover a “Wisdom of Oneness, #37” quote from Rasha. I love how the words flow beautifully with my present process. Following is the quote:
“One becomes as a leaf on the wind embodying a willingness to be carried with the momentum of the process, knowing unquestioningly that one’s best interest are being seen to in every possible way.”
These words give me so much peace and trust. Every time I sit down to write, this truth is so obvious … the truth that my process is literally writing me … flowing through me in such magical and synchronous ways … flowing in ways far more magical than I could have ever designed with rational mind.
Inspired by this quote, I do a little reading in the book itself (“Oneness” by Rasha). I am deeply blown away by what pops up in chapter 19 on the third paragraph of page 178:
“The perfection of the timing of your own particular journey will become apparent as the synchronicity that triggers your most significant breakthroughs has the opportunity to play out. Permit yourself the luxury of savoring this experience of transformation. It is not one to be rushed, though many will try. For, the end result will manifest in its own time in a very natural way, when you allow the process to direct you and you cease trying to direct the process.”
At the bottom of the same page, another paragraph deeply inspires me:
“You are not backsliding in your process simply because you are once again rehashing issues that were presumed to have been resolved. You are, in fact, progressing perfectly when you allow the process to reveal to you the last remnants of energetic patterning experienced as emotion, and you allow yourself to feel fully the depth of the energetic charge it has been called forth to deliver. Repression of such sensations will only necessitate a repeat occurrence of the same core theme, which must be completed fully before the next layer can be brought to the surface as a life experience.”
These words soothe my soul as I ponder the painful process to which I surrendered, just yesterday.
After feeling totally reenergized and alive, I finally do immerse myself in my writing, successfully publishing “A New Team, Part 1” late Tuesday evening.
Lying Inner Voices
I begin the chocolate ceremony on Wednesday, May 16, 2012, with a completely new magical outlook on my process. Even though I again experience pains in my solar plexus, I am in my power from the very beginning, holding space and assisting others. I spend much of the ceremony, following intuitive feelings, sharing energy and holding space as inner guidance directs.
Near the end of this beautiful empowering ceremony – one in which Keith and I have not yet spoken at all – I mention to Keith that I am experiencing loud inner voices insisting that I go into a God drama loop, but that I am smiling, ignoring the bait, and simply observing the inner turmoil.
“These voices are insisting that I was strong and powerful today, and that as a result I was abandoned,” I share with Keith. “This inner liar wants me to feel victimized, to feel abandoned and alone for having been so strong and powerful. Rather than buying these lies, I am back in that conference room, inviting Obi-Wan Kenobi to bring in more light and Divine Love as my reward. I know I do not need it from a physical source, and am instead making a direct connection to Higher Energies. I do feel a lot lighter, with some energy flow, but nothing very dramatic.”
Keith simply acknowledges my process with congratulations for my awareness, without providing hardly any additional feedback.
Awkward Invites
“Brenda, I’m getting that you, Angela, Cheryl and I should go out to dinner tonight,” Keith shares a few minutes later.
Cheryl (not her real name) is a woman I first met in a private ceremony last December, one who has returned to the porch today for a few days in San Marcos.
“Does that sound like a good way to congratulate your self for being powerful … to go to dinner with these ladies?” Keith smiles at me.
To my chagrin, I take note that several others begin to express their interest in getting the group together for a larger dinner. I would love a small intimate discussion with these suggested people, but the thought of a large social gathering involving random surface-level conversations suddenly triggers terror in my soul – I have not yet healed my social projections that have lately been like nightmares.
“With you and Angela and Cheryl … absolutely … I would love to go to dinner,” I respond eagerly.
“Wow, that is exclusionary,” I hear one of the more popular men on the porch jokingly (or not so jokingly) accuse me.
I simply ignore the man’s comment, feeling somewhat awkward and ashamed of my statement, but also standing firm in my inner feelings – feeling quite proud of myself for finally having the courage to honestly speak my truth in what feels like a hostile situation. A few minutes later, when Keith steps into his kitchen, I follow him.
“I am excited to go out with just the four of us,” I whisper to Keith, “but if it is with the whole group, in a large gathering, I would not really be interested tonight.”
“I agree that the vibe is for only the four of us to go together,” Keith gently reassures me. “Don’t worry about it.”
Inner Tantrums
Finally, after I meditate in silence for another hour, people begin to leave the porch. The main group of people announce that they are headed off to a specific restaurant, making a point to invite the rest of us to join them. Again, I feel awkward and almost guilty for having expressed my inner desires.
The four of us hang back a while longer, and soon find ourselves enjoying a delightful dinner and discussion at a different restaurant. During this time, I watch with amazement as Keith does more profound inner work with Angela. Just the privilege of observing this process makes the evening magical.
I continue to feel happy and empowered, but again, my inner liar is silently screaming.
“Here I am in my strength, trusting my process, sitting at the entrance to my God-drama loop,” I begin to ponder the profound intensity of these crazy inner lies. “These lies are screaming at me, trying to pull me into that loop.”
Finally, I casually mention my confusing inner journey to Keith, and describe that ever since the last hour on the porch I have experienced twitching, agitated, yes-no-yes-no nervous energy in my abdomen.
Give It A Voice
“Go sit with this part of you in the conference room,” Keith suggests.
“It literally feels as if my inner liar is trying to throw a tantrum,” I soon share with Keith. “It is insisting that I should be upset and angry … that I want my cookies (reward) … that I was ignored and abandoned today, even though I know I was not … that I need to be frustrated and jealous that everyone else, except me, is opening their magic.”
“Rather than ignore this voice,” Keith makes a radical suggestion, “actually give it a platform and let it have an audience.”
“Do you mean in meditation or in real life?” I ask for clarification.
“Either would be OK,” Keith responds casually, “but if you want to act it out with us right now, feel free to do so.”
Dropping all inhibitions (well most of them anyway), I spend the next few minutes giving permission for my inner liar to throw an actual physical tantrum. I flap my arms and hands, punch a few pillows on the bench, and blurt out the unexpressed feelings.
Enjoyable, Delightful, And Productive
“I am angry,” the inner liar shouts out, “I was strong and powerful today and no one even gave me any feedback at all.”
“In fact you never even spoke to me throughout the entire ceremony,” I let the liar speak an almost-true statement to Keith.
“Just like always, I am powerful and completely ignored, receiving no help or guidance whatsoever,” the liar continues, “and now everyone else is having their magic open up but me. I am working hard and doing everything right! What about me? I want my cookies!!!!”
As I have fun with this tantrum for five minutes or more, we all giggle. At one point, I have to call out to the kitchen, telling a beautiful Mayan woman that we are just joking. I am a little embarrassed because I have been quite dramatic in my expression.
The staged tantrum is quite eye opening, and releases the crazy inner emotion that was building.
As I later retire to my bed, I giggle in much needed peace … the entire evening is quite enjoyable, delightful, and productive.
Emotional Swarms
Thursday morning, I wake up feeling the same beautiful energy, but after breakfast, as I begin reading ahead in my notes while preparing to write “A New Team, Part 2”, I sink deep into the emotions of the experiences about which I need to write. I quickly lose myself in the social agitation, self-loathing, and feeling like a looser – all emotions surrounding an earlier God-drama journey I had surrendered to in late March. It blows me away how my writing continues to be so deeply synchronized with my process as I take this God-drama emotion another level deeper during this long and intense week.
Intense emotions swarm through me – emotions into which I could easily lose myself for an entire day of tears – yet I feel a strong need to hold myself together. I am participating in a Skype session that Keith is conducting for a couple of my friends back home.
The session is not until 10:30 a.m., but as I struggle to maintain composure, I walk out to Keith’s home an hour early. I simply cannot be alone right now if I want to avoid what I know would turn into an intense day of tears. Keith is busy, but he allows me to sit on his porch while I wait, struggling to maintain balance while lightly meditating. I do manage to bring in some light, and when 10:30 a.m. rolls around, I feel good-to-go for the Skype ceremony.
A Semblance Of Composure
As I hold space for this amazing Skype session, Keith eventually conducts a beautiful empath training. To my dismay, my inner feelings of self-loathing and inadequacy again surge as I observe how easily my beautiful friends seem to connect with the energies. Keith even mentions to these friends that their journey does not need to be hard like mine … that mine is harder because of my path as a healer and educator, and my need to understand every little detail. I agree with this assessment, but the thought triggers me deeply.
Angry feelings surge through me even though there is no valid rational-mind reason – no present-day event to justify such emotion. I recognize that I am again experiencing that God-drama anger just as I did in that long tearful session on Sunday – that I am going through another layer of “F@ck you God” feelings – another layer of peeling back emotions of betrayal, victimization, and needing an apology from Deity.
Somehow, in spite of my struggles, I manage to maintain a semblance of composure while holding space for my friends – but I cannot wait for the session to end. I am deeply struggling.
Two Options
“How are you doing?” Keith asks me after the Skype session is done.
As I attempt to fill Keith in on my ever-deepening journey with God drama, I literally sink back into that same tear-filled misery from Sunday – fully lost in the emotion while also being a very aware observer of my process.
“I feel like I want to go home and cry all afternoon,” I share the futility with Keith. “I do not think I am able to allow help from the Light, just yet … there is too much anger.”
“Am I scamming myself?” I beg for honest feedback.
Rather than answer my question, Keith encourages me to meditate, and imagine two scenarios. In my left hand, I hold the option of “doing it the hard way, by myself, crying out the emotion”. In my right hand, I hold the option of “asking the Light to help me do it.”
“It makes no sense,” I soon explain to Keith. “But the crying option is very appealing. I want to go home and slog through this layer. This seems to be the only way I really trust that the densities are gone. I want to feel this to the core. I do not yet trust the light, and I do not trust that I am able to allow it, or that it can really help me. I still have too much anger at God.”
“Maybe I just need to peel off this other layer first,” I speculate, “continuing to do so the old way for now.”
Need For Trust
I verbally explore my process while Keith mostly listens with loving patience and compassion. I know that right now I am learning to “know myself” – to love and accept myself for being right where I am in my process.
“Whether I need to go home and cry or whether I am able to bring in some light,” I share with Keith, “I know right where I am, immersed deeply in my God drama, doing very advanced work, being the observer, not being lost even though the emotions are intense and overwhelming.”
“I know that none of this makes sense at the rational-mind level,” I continue rambling, “I know that this was all my own setup and that I am not a victim of anything … but this part of me … the inner liar … demands an apology from God and is deeply angry at what it sees as betrayal and victimization … and it will not allow the light until it gets that apology from God.”
Several memories flood my mind regarding how devastated I have been at times when working with Keith as he played out various harsh tough-ass roles with me. Invariably, every time this has happened, I initially felt deeply betrayed and was no longer able to work with Keith until I was able to rebuild trust that he really had my best interest at heart.
This is the same as my anger at God. This inner-liar/subconscious part of me is so angry that it will not work with God or Higher Energies until that apology is received … until that trust is restored.
In rational-mind understanding, I know this is a big crock of lies, but those lies have deep power over my inner reality. I know that at this inner level I am the one preventing the help I so desperately seek – and I intuitively know that the anger preventing me from doing so is based on social struggles during my teen years. But I have never understood, until Sunday that is, just how deep that buried anger is.
Feeling Cheated
Finally, after this rational-mind rambling with Keith feels complete, I return to meditation. Keith has been mostly listening to me throughout this self-exploration.
I soon return to the inner conference room, again asking my Higher Self to sit to my right, with Obi-Wan Kenobi sitting across from me.
“Can you please help me bring in more light,” I beg Obi-Wan.
To my surprise, as I make this silent request, I begin to feel light tingles and vibrations. Within a few minutes, all of those painful God-drama emotions are gone, vanished, leaving nothing behind – not even a tiny trace of painful emotion.
“I almost feel cheated that the emotions are gone,” I express my shock to Keith. “I feel as if I am scamming myself. It can’t be that easy. I often feel angry when I see others that seem to do it so easily … this cannot be real … it triggers me when I see others ‘pretend’ to do it so easily.”
“I am scamming myself, aren’t I?” I ask for feedback.
I banter with Keith for a while, and he soon helps me come to the obvious conclusion that the real scammer in me right now is the voice telling me that I am scamming myself – the voice telling me that it cannot be this easy. This voice continues to demand that I have to slog through every emotion in the hard way.
I am in shock. I still do not trust what just happened. Keith quickly shares a story with me about someone else who recently told him how cheated she felt when the same thing happened to her – and how she too was not sure if she had just scammed herself and instead just pushed the emotion back down.
Light Training
“I am blown away by the absence of anger, betrayal, and victimization emotions,” I share with Keith. “What confuses me is that I now have a heavy knot in my belly, and I intuitively know that the knot is about anger that the emotion is gone, and the feeling that it was stolen from me.”
“This inner liar is clever,” Keith smiles at me, “and is very insistent that the light is the liar … the scammer.”
“How do I undo this?” I ask Keith. “How do I move to the next level? … How do I get on the easy bus?”
“I am doing it,” I then quickly respond before Keith can answer. “I am learning to love myself through a deep process of ‘know myself’”.
“Brenda, you are not the loser you are painting yourself to be,” Keith soon shares with me. “You are facing intense core issues and fears, and other than a very few people on the porch, no one else on the porch has yet faced such profound depths and fears.”
When I ask Keith if I can really trust what happened today – trusting that such an intense layer of agonizing emotion can simply be transmuted so easily – Keith responds by telling me that I will have as many opportunities as I need in order to learn to trust that it is indeed very real.
“Nooooooo,” I respond in giggling-but-fake agony, “I don’t want to keep doing this. This is so intense.”
“Congratulations for your clarity in observing yourself,” Keith smiles as I prepare to walk home. “A year or two ago, what you did today might have taken months to go through. Today, you did it in a few hours. It is all a part of your training.”
For the remainder of the day, I simply relax with the flow, being in a beautiful-but-uncomfortable energy state. A great deal of intense energy is dancing around in my crown chakra and head. I have no idea what is going on with that energy, but intuitions tell me it is good … and that I can just let it be.
Suspicious Sandal Silliness
I have experienced a strange anomaly lately. When I returned from Utah last fall, I brought with me three pair of sandals that were old, but in very good shape – sandals that had been in storage. To my shock, in the last couple of weeks, one sandal from each pair has broken down such that they are no longer wearable – straps breaking, stitching coming undone, etc…
I am overdue for shopping and banking, so I opt to make a quick Friday morning boat trip to Panajachel. Four hours later, I have money, food, and three repaired sandals – now totally functional – and the repairs only cost a total of $2.00 U.S., combined.
I barely make it home in time to unpack my purchases before running out to Keith’s home to help prepare for an afternoon ceremony.
Following Fixing Clues
I mostly observe and hold beautiful space for others during the first half of the gathering. As I observe a great deal of process-avoidance and fixing going on around the porch, I ignore and allow “what is” to simply be – choosing instead to see other people as an informative mirror.
Soon, I find myself exploring my own saga with intense fixing, first pondering my intense journey with my mother’s fixing energy as she did the best she knew how to teach me to follow her footsteps.
But I quickly realize that this projecting of fixing energy onto my mother was ultimately a façade for how I really felt about God – how I was unable to be my real self in my church, and always had to be perfect, to put on a mask, to pretend to be something I was not, while hating myself on the inside. If I stepped out of line, there was always someone in my life to tell me what I was doing wrong and how I needed to fix it.
As I ponder the God-drama angle, I feel the deep disempowerment of myself as a child – of how I gave all of my power away to others in the name of obeying this judgmental God.
As I focus on going ever deeper into this emotional journey, numerous intense rounds of tears find their way to the surface. Several times, new people on the porch come over to try to “fix me” during such empowered emotional expressions. As gently as I can, I kindly ask each person to please allow me my processing space. It is almost humorous that I am working on my anger at having felt so “fixed” during my life, and as I do so I am repeatedly approached by people that I “perceive” as wanting to fix me.
My Choice
Finally, at around 4:00 p.m., Keith stops by and asks how I am doing.
I quickly fill him in on how I have been going deeper and deeper into childhood emotions – how each time I would go as deep as I dared, and would then stop and invite the light to help me transmute the density.
“I visualized Obi-Wan Kenobi as helping me bring in the light to transmute what I had been able to feel,” I share with Keith. “Then, when the emotion disappeared, I would go deeper into the next layer.”
“I am repeatedly getting closer to another layer of my God drama,” I further share. “This one is related to my mother’s fixing.”
I stop short of mentioning my present-day porch connection to this fixing energy. There is no need to involve others.
“I’m being guided to have you connect with your mother’s higher essence now,” Keith interrupts me a few minutes later. “It is time to remember that you set all of this up … that you chose your parents … and that you chose to get lost in this as part of your journey.”
Layer After Layer
To my shock, as I follow Keith’s advice, attempting to connect with my mother’s energy in meditation, I suddenly lose it, sinking into gut-wrenching sobs as I collapse forward. Rather than continue, however, I pause and focus on bringing in more light to balance myself, knowing that if I go any deeper into the emotion, I may get lost in it. When I am soon stable, I again attempt to connect to my mother’s energy.
I repeat this process of going as deep as I dare and then bringing in light – doing so over and over for a while. I feel quite powerful as I gradually inch my way deeper and deeper without getting lost. Finally, I reach a state where I am able to imagine my mother’s Higher Self sitting on my left at my inner conference table. My own Higher Self sits to my right, and Obi-Wan sits directly across from me.
I am not yet interacting with mother’s Higher Self, but am instead simply connecting with my own Higher Energies while attempting to imagine my mother’s presence.
Finally, after twenty minutes or so, I am feeling quite stable and proud of myself for what I have accomplished – doing most all of it with no help from Keith or any other physical being.
Dancing Drama
“Keith, I was wondering if you have any guidance for me,” I ask a while later when there is a pause. “I have released a lot of density, felt it to the bottom, brought in light, and I am quite happy with what I have done. But I am wondering if I can go deeper. Maybe you might be able to help me?”
This is the first time in a week or so where I have dared to even ask for such help, because I am so deeply embedded in the God drama, and projecting so much of it onto Keith, that I am not trusting whether he will actually assist me in ceremony right now.
To my delight, Keith spends the next ten minutes educating everyone else on the porch about the God drama. I wish I could hear this description a hundred more times, because each time he explains it, much of what he says seems to fly right over me without landing in my memory. I am still not fully capable of explaining it to others, because I am still baby stepping into the middle of it myself.
In short – what I can grasp in my head – Keith explains that everything that we do at the parent, inner child, inner adolescent, and relationship level will ultimately take us into the games that we play with God/ Deity/ and separation from God – into the anger, fear, and emotions that we project onto Deity and that keep us from allowing a deeper connection with the light.
“I know I am dancing around the God drama here,” I again tell Keith. “I really need more help, but because of my God drama I am afraid that I will not receive it. I really do want to try to go deeper if you have any suggestions for me.”
Keith resists giving me any direct assistance, several times turning my questions around back onto me, acting as if he is not going to help. Meanwhile, several others on the porch throw out peanut-gallery comments that just seem like more disempowering fixing.
A Disempowering Experiment
“I just would really like to connect or open something deeper,” I finally ask again. “And I have watched others help each other do just that. I am just wondering if maybe I can open something more with such help?”
“Do you want some help from others?” Keith asks the obvious question.
“Yes, please, I would love that,” I respond.
Keith then invites anyone else that wants to help to gather around me. Angela climbs in behind me, and my friend Tiffany sits in front of me.
“Look into Tiffany’s eyes and give her all of your power, just like you have always done with everyone that you loved.” Keith gives me unexpected guidance.
As I stare into Tiffany’s eyes, imagining myself giving her all of my personal power, I begin to feel very empty, and my solar plexus swells with pain.
“I wonder what the point of this is,” I ponder silently.
A Disempowering Attack
“Brenda,” Tiffany begins to give me feedback, “as I sit here I can feel your intense disempowerment, and what you are doing is making me feel deeply disempowered. When you love people and try to heal people like this, it is actually disempowering them rather than helping them.”
“Remember, I am doing this under Keith’s instruction,” I attempt to defend myself. “This is not how I work with people. When I am in my power, I do not give myself away. I channel Higher Light. And I don’t try to help people if I am not first in a highly powerful place myself.”
“Brenda,” Angela jumps in, “I agree that as Tiffany and I try to help you, you are strongly disempowering yourself … and the very act of asking for help is disempowering.”
Suddenly, several other on the porch jump in with rapid stinging chatter about how disempowering my asking for help is. I am deeply shocked by the feeling that I am being judged by everyone for my disempowerment – when in reality I am intentionally giving my power away because Keith asked me to do it as an experiment. I feel deeply judged, attacked, and misunderstood, and make repeated attempts to defend my honor, to explain over and over that I am disempowered on purpose – but no matter what I say, people continue to badger me for being in such denial.
It feels as if they are calling me a loser, trying to fix me, and will simply not listen to the truth I am trying to share back – the truth that I am here by choice – that I intentionally gave my power away because Keith asked me to see what would happen.
“Brenda, you just need to love and accept your self for where you are at in your process,” someone gives me beautiful, but out of place, advice.
Paul, Angela, and others continue to bombard me with similar advice as I repeatedly attempt to defend my honor and my process.
Self-Created Stage Play
“Whoa,” I ask people to please stop, “I am here as part of an exercise … this is not the normal me … I am surrendering to a process and do not need people to tell me how to get out of this place. I know all these words of advice … right now the words feel like empty platitudes … I have been empowered and bringing in light all day long.”
I do not agree at all that asking for help and guidance is, in and of itself, disempowering. Keith himself has often shared the story that he is a very smart person, but that there is no way he could have ever figured out his spiritual journey by himself. He needed help too.
I absolutely know that I DO need help. I know that everyone on this porch has benefited repeatedly from Keith’s guidance and will continue to do so. I do not buy the assertion that the act of asking for help is disempowering.
“This is not helping me,” I again defend myself as people continue their badgering, “I am in this state of disempowerment at Keith’s suggestion and I don’t need help to get out of it. Please stop giving me advice. I want to work with Keith regarding the reason he took me here in the first place.”
“I feel like a child with my mother fixing me.” I finally blurt out.
Suddenly, as these words leave my lips, I begin catch on to what is happening. As usual, Keith has skillfully taken me into a self-created stage-play.
A Powerless Robot
Keith does not respond for a few more minutes, continuing to allow me to flounder in this self-defense mode, not jumping into the conversation to agree or disagree with me … but with all of my heart, I clearly see now that this is a beautiful episode of “The Muppet Show” – a beautiful and magical recreation of my life, especially my childhood.
Throughout my childhood, I gave away my power, and after doing so, everyone in the world wanted to jump in to tell me what was wrong with me. In fact, I can clearly see evidence of this pattern through all phases of my life.
Finally, as Keith acknowledges that I am now catching on to the truth, he steps in and begins to guide me deeper into this disempowering state of childhood.
As I sink ever deeper into realizations about how disempowered I have been throughout my life, I begin to shake with emotion, hitting waves of intense release as I go deeper … deeper.
“I think I am as deep as I can go right now,” I finally express my truth to Keith. “I feel myself as a tiny child who is powerless, having given up all of me in order to win the love of my parents. I am a robot with no self-will, no self-love, no self-confidence … just wanting my parents’ guidance and instruction.”
I am deeply emotional as these words leave my lips.
Inviting The Light
“It is time to begin bringing in love,” Keith then guides me.
As I imagine myself again connecting with Obi-Wan Kenobi in my inner conference room, the process if very slow and tedious. For perhaps twenty minutes, the remaining people on the porch quietly hold space for me.
I begin to feel trickles of light slowly opening up … first in my crown and in my back. Gradually, I begin to reverse the disempowering process, step-by-step straightening my spine as pains come and go.
“Give me a play by play description of what you are feeling in order to keep things moving,” Keith soon guides me.
“I have pains in my abdomen, and I am clenching a lot,” I begin to share.
“Ask the light to help you with all of that,” Keith interjects.
Soon, the main part of my abdomen feels much better, but I note that a narrow vertical column of pains form from my heart to the solar plexus.”
“Ask the light to assist with that too,” Keith shares when I keep him filled in.
Soon, the pains in this energy column fade, as I then experience a prickly energy expansion in the high-heart region.
“Just ask the light to go wherever it needs to go, without giving it your own directions,” Keith guides.
Visualize It
As the process continues, I increasingly feel more relaxation and opening of energies in the high heart, throat, crown, and back of head – and my hands are far less clenched.
“Invite your masculine energy to come out and put his arm around the feminine,” Angela jumps in to guide me.
“Those are just words to me,” I respond in frustration, “I don’t know how to do that. The words do not help without having the experience. I just don’t know how.”
“Visualize it,” Keith gives me the obvious answer.
I feel really stupid when I realize that I do know how to visualize such a scenario, and that I was simply resisting Angela’s guidance because she was not Keith, and because I had earlier felt very attacked by many people trying to give me unwanted advice.
As I am eventually able to successfully imagine my masculine and feminine selves, I feel them facing each other – touching hands – but there is still a great deal of resistance preventing them from further connecting.
The Power Of Belief
Finally, after a long peaceful meditation, I open my eyes and notice the late hour. It is 6:10 p.m. and I need to get dinner and be back at Keith’s house by 7:30 to participate in another Skype session with a different friend back home.
“I need to go home so I can be back here in an hour,” I ask Keith. “Do you think if I leave now that it would interfere with where I am in my process?”
To my frustration, several people on the porch laugh at my question, making fun of me for asking for guidance. I feel deeply annoyed by their stone throwing. I am doing the best I know how, and am still learning … But rather than say anything, I just ignore their insensitivity.
“Whatever you believe is exactly what will happen,” Keith responds to my question. “It will hurt and stop your process, or your process will continue on beautifully … it is all based on your beliefs.”
“I’m sorry if I offended anyone,” I quietly apologize as I stand up. “When I am in a state of disconnect and powerlessness, words do not help. They actually make me angry because they feel like empty and simple platitudes.”
Decompression
After a beautiful two-hour Skype session with Keith and my young friend back home, I take the opportunity to decompress with Keith while he walks me home.
I run a quick theory by Keith, one that says that I avoid casual social relationships because those are where I commonly give away my power. When I am in a deep friendship, or a healing/spiritual context, I am almost always deeply in my power – yet in casual social environments, due to my teenage struggles, I often end up in a place where I doubt myself, give my power away, and lose myself.
“This is not really a strong pattern in the present,” Keith acknowledges, “but you are probably somewhat accurate when it comes to giving away your power in social situations.”
“But I would say it goes more deeply into your relationship with your mother, and how you did not trust yourself to write a talk or a report.” Keith adds more insight. “In those situations, you gave up all of your power and were completely helpless.”
Unfolding Wisdom
When I ask Keith for more guidance in my process, he explains that it is not his job to guide me in my process – that I need to trust my own flow and surrender to it. His job is to track what I am doing in my process, to help me along the way if I get stuck or lost, and to make sure I am not scamming myself.
As much as part of me would love to give away my power to Keith – and apparently I have done this quite a lot lately – I can clearly see the wisdom in the way Keith works. This is indeed my process. I cannot ask or expect Keith, or God, or anyone else to do it for me, or to give me a road map for how it is going to unfold. The only thing I can expect is that my own Higher Guidance will guide me in the flow of each moment, and that if I get lost, someone or something will come along to help me get back on track as needed.
I learned a great deal about working with people today. I clearly see how important it is to understand someone’s process – to trust that they and their own Higher Self know what they are doing in their own unique journey, and to not push or disempower them with fixing advice – no matter how accurate or true the wisdom – unless deeply guided to do so.
But mainly, I learned something profound about myself, about how deeply – throughout my entire life – I have given away my power to nearly everyone and everything. No wonder I have such a problem with fixing energy, and with regaining my connection to Divine Power. When in a state of disempowerment, I magnetize fixing comments as if I were a piece or rotting meat attracting a swarm of flies.
Parading Drama
I am blown away by how intensely the God drama insights just keep unfolding, spiraling ever deeper with each passing day.
But what shocks me even more, is that as I rest on my pillow late on this dark Friday night, that angry ego stories begin to bombard my rational mind. The stories are intense and frustrating stories of feeling victimized, invalidated, laughed at, condescended on, fixed, and ridiculed by many on the porch today.
I know that today was a profound and insight-filled day of growth. I absolutely know that everything that took place was perfect and exactly what I needed to show how I give away my power – that it was my own personal Muppet Show to show me the next clues to my God drama – but these stories parading all over my head are overwhelming and will NOT stop marching and stomping their feet.
It seems that my God-drama journey is far-from-over. This victim-consciousness and betrayed part of me is alive and well, making another angry protest in an attempt to get me to take the bait. But rather than reenergize this inner liar, I simply allow it to continue marching around carrying its large banners and signs … while I quietly drift off to sleep.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved