It is just after midday on Friday, June 15, 2012, as I stand in Keith’s kitchen, assisting in the setup for yet another magical chocolate ceremony. But I am not feeling quite so magical today. Crazy stories have been running through my head all morning. I am trying to figure out why I continue to manifest and/or create such bizarre ceremonies in recent weeks.
“Keith, could you help me understand how I can shift my energy to manifest a more fun ceremony – one in which everyone comes with a desire do inner work – one in which everyone comes to support the inner work of others?”
“Brenda,” Keith responds a minute later,” I am getting that this is all taking you deeper into letting go of rational mind and learning to trust the flow of your process. Just trust and allow exactly what is happening. Don’t try to figure it out or control it with your rational mind.”
“Thanks, that really does help,” I respond sincerely.
Even though I clearly see that every bizarre ceremony as of late has served me greatly, inner voices have been judging those crazy, stuck, distraction and disturbance-filled ceremonies as being wrong and bad. Today, I am determined to again simply trust that whatever happens will be perfect for what I need – not judging any of it.
Popcorn Popping
The ceremony begins in beautiful fashion, with eighteen souls crowding the porch. I love Keith’s introductory speeches as he gently lays down guidelines about exactly what it is that he does on his porch – lovingly reinforcing his behavioral expectations and asking people to hold space for others, etc…
I perceive that Keith too realizes that the crazy distraction, disturbance-filled ceremonies have served their purpose, at least for now.
But in the midst of listening to Keith’s discussion, while focusing on his earlier advice about simply letting go and trusting my flow, I suddenly begin to struggle. I literally feel as if I have a bowl of popcorn popping in my abdomen. A deep panic attack bubbles inside, at the edge of bursting into emotional chaos. Intuitively, I recognize that what I feel is panic about further giving up of control – further trusting the flow of Higher Energies, and less micromanaging of my environment via rational mind.
“My inner clenching is all about trying to control my energetic environment so that I will feel safe,” I ponder flowing intuitions. “And now, the inner panic I am experiencing is part of the process of releasing that need for such a safe environment – both outside and in.”
Head Games
As the initial meditation concludes, Keith opens up the porch for individual work, asking who would like some help. Immediately he glances at me with a glowing smile.
“I have popcorn popping inside and am on the edge of a panic attack,” I quickly share. “It is all about what we discussed earlier, but greatly magnified. I am exploring deeply into trust issues while trying to release my need to control, protect, and manipulate my environment to my liking … trying to let go of needing my sandbox to be a certain way.”
Without providing much guidance, Keith encourages me to continue what I am doing. I remember that before the ceremony he had suggested that I stay out of my head and just trust what happens.
“That is what I will do,” I ponder. “I will just sit here and observe the inner fears.”
As I sit with the crazy panic that rages inside, I begin to think up possible metaphors to work with those energies, perhaps in my inner conference room – but then my head jumps in with the idea that “thinking up metaphors is using my head … trying to use my mind to control, change, and manipulate energies.”
Now I am getting really confused, splitting hairs in my mind, doubting everything I thought I knew, not allowing my head to even participate in the process at all.
Building Trust
As Keith starts to work around the circle, the first two people with whom he works both comment that, just like me, they too relate deeply with the trust issue that I am exploring. I love how my inner issue is also being mirrored to me via the work of others – confirming in a powerful and synchronous way that all is exactly as it needs to be.
At an appropriate moment, as Keith glances my way to check in with me, I briefly ask for advice to clarify my confusion regarding the use of rational mind.
“I’m struggling right now,” I beg for guidance. “I’m trying to stay out of my head, but am now deeply confused as I realize that using metaphors to facilitate my process is engaging my rational mind.”
“You are taking my words to extremes,” Keith reassures me. “The rational mind IS a very useful TOOL for working with subconscious metaphors. Just remember to do so under the direction of your heart and intuitive guidance.”
I love the clarification – the fine-tuning of my understanding. The difference is so subtle. Of course, I can use rational mind as a tool – I just need to do so from within the flow of my guidance rather than trying to manipulate the flow using my mind.
In the midst of continued inner panic, I am in a space where I literally do NOT trust myself to be able to move forward by myself … yet I also recognize that no one else can do it for me.
As Keith continues to work with others, he eventually points out that the seven new people on the porch today are also working on building trust – cautiously observing things on the porch, unsure if they want to dive deeper.
Stuck In Futility
After working elsewhere on the porch for a great while, Keith eventually turns to work again with me.
“I am feeling a lot of density in my solar plexus,” I begin to share, “and it just intuitively occurred to me that what I am feeling in my solar plexus surrounding the issue of trust and panic might not even be my own emotion – that perhaps I am running the trust issues of others through me.”
“Yeah,” Keith responds, “there is a lot of trust issue today on the porch.”
“I’m getting that about two-thirds of what you are feeling IS coming from other people,” Keith soon shares after checking his own guidance.
“I want to stop doing this,” I beg for help, “but I don’t seem to be able. I know I cannot use my head, and everything I have tried so far isn’t helping at all. I am hurting and do not want to run this through me. I feel helpless and angry inside, not knowing what to do.”
“I am totally stuck,” I share my futility. “I don’t know anything anymore.”
“Good,” Keith responds.
“I realize that my head has no clue as to what to do,” I continue. “I realize that this is a good thing, but I am panicking and clueless about what to do if I do not use my head. Just sitting back, doing nothing, and trying to trust the flow is causing me to panic.”
“I am in confusion, stuck, disconnected, unable to trust that Higher Energies will help me,” I express my frustration. “I desperately need that help, but do not believe it will happen. Right now, I am unable to focus enough to even try.”
Perceived Humiliation
“This is the game you are playing with God,” Keith shares with blunt and forceful emphasis. “You are terrified to let go of this game because you absolutely know that if you do, you will lose all hope of ever being loved.”
“Keith, I know I am playing this game, and I DO want to let go of it,” I insist, trying to defend my honor against a perceived attack. “It is a subconscious part of me that is playing those games, and I am clueless as to how to get in touch with that part of me so that I can get it to stop.”
“No Brenda, YOU are playing this game,” Keith firmly responds with harsh emphasis. “The first step is that YOU have to own that YOU are playing this game.”
“A hidden part-of-me is playing the game,” I again try to defend myself. “I don’t want to play it anymore.”
Meanwhile, I am beginning to feel quite humiliated by what I perceive as Keith’s attack on my honor. I know where he is coming from, but I feel embarrassed that he is emphasizing his words so strongly, making it clear to everyone on the porch that I am refusing to let go of the games I play with God and Deity. I feel as if he is telling everyone that I am a loser – a loser that is simply not cooperating with my own healing.
“That part-of-you is much stronger than the part of you that insists you do not want to play,” Keith firmly responds, not allowing me to deny ownership of this hidden part of me. “YOU are playing this game and YOU need to own it.”
Really Mean It
“Repeat after me,” Keith then guides me. “I refuse to let go of this game because I absolutely know that if I do, I am giving up all hope of ever being loved.”
Almost immediately, I forget the words Keith asks me to repeat. I am so focused on defending my honor that I cannot think clearly.
“You want me to say that out loud?” I ask a minute later.
“Yes,” Brenda, Keith responds with a stern voice while the rest of the porch stares on.
“Can you repeat the words for me?” I beg for help from my state of resistant confusion. “I cannot remember exactly what you asked me to say.”
When Keith simply frowns at me, not enabling me by repeating his earlier words, I finally try to speak what I think he said.
“I refuse to let go of this game because I absolutely know that if I do, I am giving up all hope of ever being loved,” I speak matter-of-factly in a calm voice, not feeling the meaning of what I say.
“Brenda, say it like you mean it,” Keith prods me to go deeper. “Really feel it.”
Owning The Anger
“Keith, I am so stuck and helpless right now,” I beg for compassion. “It is like I just used my magic eraser to wipe out everything I know about my connection to the light. Right now, I feel like I am begging my mother to write a school paper for me. In this confused state, I absolutely know that I cannot do this myself … that I will fail … that there is no point in trying … that someone has to help me do it.”
Finally, I try to comply with Keith’s strong guidance, attempting to speak the words out loud as if I really believe and mean them. Embarrassment and humiliation will not allow me to do it loudly, but I do repeatedly begin to whisper the words – each time doing so with increasingly deeper feeling.
Soon, I bend forward and begin punching a small cushion. Keith quickly piles several other cushions around me. Seconds later, I am engulfed in deep tears and sobs as waves of dry heaving consume me. Repeatedly, I have to stop … grabbing more tissues, clearing my nose, and coming up for air so I can breathe.
Over and over I quietly repeat the words – quietly feeling them to the core. Soon, intense anger begins to surface. It is anger at God … anger that feels like the intense betrayal energy that has occasionally surfaced in my life. As I continue repeating those frightening words of admitting the game I play with God, I increasingly begin to own that the emotion behind those words is extremely real and deep.
Saying these words repeatedly is triggering me deeply. There is a huge reservoir of anger buried somewhere down inside me. I am extremely hesitant to permit this anger to explode.
Understanding, Support, And Encouragement
Soon, I take comfort in the fact that Keith lovingly encourages everyone in the group to gather and hold energetic space for me. For most of the next hour, the group sits in almost complete silence, supporting my process as I go through wave after wave of deep emotional release.
But try as I might, I cannot seem to go as deeply as intuitions tell me that I need to go.
I feel really stupid that everyone on the porch is watching me in this deep pain and stuckness. But I ignore my humiliation, and instead derive great confidence at pondering words that Keith has shared with the group several times during this intense process.
“In three or four years many of you will find yourselves remembering this day and what Brenda is doing today,” Keith had shared with the group. “It is only then that you will understand how profoundly frightening it is when you begin going into a core issue.”
Keith uses the opportunity to talk more about core issues and God drama stuff – deeply validating that what I am doing is profound and advanced inner work. Each time Keith says something like this, I find inner permission to go a little deeper – to surrender to more humiliation, trusting that what I am doing is powerful, and that as long as Keith understands, supports, and encourages what I am doing, that is all that matters. I do not care what anyone else might think.
Something Magical
Still, I find myself resisting and floundering in helplessness. My rational mind is clueless. I do not know what I am doing. I am simply allowing myself to feel the pain as deeply as I can go while at the same time trying to remember that I am the observer as I engage in this emotional release work.
Finally, intuitions tell me I have gone as far as I can go. I surrender to the knowing that I need help … that I cannot heal my God drama by myself.
Soon, intuitions guide me to utilize a metaphor that Keith commonly shares. I imagine myself standing at the bottom of a five-meter wall of glass. As I stare up at this restrictive wall that ominously blocks my forward path, I clearly know that rational mind has no clue as to how to move beyond this blockage. This obstacle was intentionally placed here in my path to force me to surrender and rely on Higher Energies – to make it impossible to solve the unsolvable riddle using rational mind.
“Higher Energies,” I meditatively surrender and ask for assistance. “I need your help. I have reached a place in my journey where I know that the only way to move forward is to trust you … to trust the light.”
Soon, I sink deeper and deeper into meditation, imagining myself as breathing in light and breathing out density. The more I attempt to surrender and trust, the more I feel inner resistance, fighting me, demanding that I need to do this myself.
The more I meditate, the lighter I feel. I recognize that something magical is happening. With each in-breath I experience deep peace. With each out-breath, my abdomen shakes with fear as I release more density. Eventually, I gradually begin to sit up – feeling ever more relaxed – experiencing a state of shock while continuing to focus on the light.
As I finally return to an upright position, I occasionally reenter a small wave of emotional release, but mostly manage to remain in the peace.
Inner Drama, External Faces
Suddenly, another powerful wave of understanding rushes into my awareness. I begin to imagine all of the people in my life who I perceive as having betrayed me in one way or another. As I put these external faces on my inner God drama, one-by-one imagining each person as being the God at whom I am angry, my inner resistance to God and Higher Energies develops profound clarity.
I experience an intense inner refusal – refusal coming from an angry and deeply hidden place –refusal that demands that I cannot allow myself to release my reservoirs of anger toward these people until certain conditions are first met.
This part of me insists that I must not and will not ever allow these evil people to share unconditional love with me, or to be a part of my life, until they first acknowledge and admit what they painfully did to me. It will not happen until they justify and validate my anger toward them. It will not happen until they admit their guilt and apologize for how they have maliciously attacked and victimized me.
“Only after I receive a genuine and heartfelt apology from Paul, making up for how he has repeatedly attacked me on the porch, and how he has gossiped all over town about me, could I ever allow him into my inner circle,” I ponder.
“Until Shannon (not real name) acknowledges how she hurt me, convincing me of her genuine sincerity, I could never again associate with her at other than a shallow surface level,” I ponder another friend who hurt me deeply about seven years ago.
“In fact,” I continue pondering with deep insight, “before I can ever again be friends and trust any of the people on this list of those who have triggered my betrayal energy, I would first have to go through a deep trust-rebuilding process. This is what I have had to do with Keith, numerous times, whenever I have had my God drama painfully projected onto him.”
“I GET IT,” flashes of insight flood me with clarity. “These are the exact same hurt and angry emotions that I carry toward God and Higher Energies. I have been projecting these inner emotions onto others.”
At some buried level as a child, I felt so deeply hurt and betrayed by God that I absolutely refuse to allow or have anything to do with Higher Energies until I feel validated and sincerely apologized to. If that trust is not reestablished … if I do not feel understood and acknowledged by God … if I do not receive validation and apology for my perceived victimization … then this powerful part of me WILL NOT allow Higher Energies to help me.
“I DO NOT TRUST Higher Energies,” I ponder with deep insight. And I will never do so until I give up the inner game I play, insisting that Higher Energies must first apologize for my perceived abandonment and betrayal as a child.”
“Wow,” I almost giggle inside. “This is intense experiential understanding. I love it.”
External Reenactments Of Inner Pain
A few minutes later, I have an opportunity to discuss my insights with Keith.
“We all play our God drama issues out with others in our life,” Keith validates my new understanding. “It is a way of developing understanding about the games we play with God.”
I am now profoundly clear that all of these perceived betrayal incidents in my life have been nothing more than reenactments of my God drama, carefully orchestrated as trauma/ drama in my life to help me to understand, today, in this very instant, why I am so angry and refusing to allow God and Higher Energies to reconnect with me.
Ultimately, I know that God is inside of me – that Higher Energies surround me, just waiting for me to allow them in – that no such betrayal ever took place.
“But that little child in me did feel deeply betrayed,” I ponder. “Those betrayal energies are profoundly locked into place, and I am playing them out in ways that I finally understand at a deep experiential level.”
“I am not sure if I have gone deep enough yet,” I soon express to Keith. “I have the feeling that there is more intense and buried pain hidden much deeper than I have yet been able to go. But I will go wherever I need to go, following the flow as it takes me. For now, I am just focusing on bringing in more light.”
And right now, I am basking in the peaceful glow of that light.
Powerful Stuff
Suddenly, the porch dissolves into noisy conversation as several people begin to leave.
“Why am I creating this?” I ponder with curiosity.
I soon see the events as a stage play, giving me a choice as to whether I will surrender my power, or go deeper inside, further connecting to my Higher Energies. I choose to go inside and connect – giggling as I ignore the events around me – feeling quite grateful for the real-life actors giving me this opportunity to learn and grow.
“Congratulations on beautiful work today,” Keith shares with deep sincerity as others begin to put cushions away.
“Can you add any more words of clarity to that feedback?” I beg for more definitive comments.
“You know the powerful stuff you did today,” Keith smiles back, saying no more.
A Long-Term Setup
“I had a feeling today that this God drama betrayal began as an infant,” I soon share an insight with Keith.
“That is quite possible,” Keith responds. “In fact, you have probably been setting up this betrayal energy for multiple lifetimes.”
“Would it help to do a past-life regression to one of those lifetimes?” I ask with deep curiosity after hearing Keith’s unexpected words.
“I’m getting that it may help in the future, but not now,” Keith reassures me. “Right now you need to work on the betrayal issue in this lifetime, working with your inner children, etc…”
An Empath Experience
When the porch is mostly empty, I grab the hand of a dear friend, and we have a beautiful clearing conversation. I have felt some tension between us lately, and desperately desire to preserve the precious friendship. I am determined not to allow petty betrayal feelings to sabotage me any more. We sit on the porch for more than an hour, during which my friend begins to go into nonstop stories intended to help me understand her own life of struggles.
This dear friend adamantly insists that these are all healed issues … that she no longer has any attachment to any of them … that she feels no emotion, and is only sharing experiences to help me understand her life.
But as she talks, I sense deep emotional intensity and begin to feel a great number of pains in my abdomen. Immediately, I focus on intending that the emotions NOT run through me … that I NOT eat them.
With deep focus and concentration, I manage to stay ahead of the density in my abdomen. I clearly have the intuitive guidance that I am helping her, but that she does not know it. She is not even the slightest bit aware of the emotion I am receiving from her.
“This is exactly what I did with countless friends in the past,” I ponder. “When I would listen to them share stories, I unconsciously took in their densities, leaving them feeling much better. Today, it is hard and difficult, requiring constant focus, but I am doing so consciously.”
Near the end of our long conversation, I casually mention what I have been experiencing. I giggle inside when my friend denies the presence of any emotion at all … when she expresses that I am mistaken and insists that no emotional densities have been leaving from her.
“It must be your own density, or perhaps the density from someone else,” she suggests.
As I walk home, I realize that it does not matter whose density it was. Regardless, the experience was quite powerful for me, showing me how I have done the same thing throughout my life, especially with many who have eventually triggered my betrayal energy.
Stuck Between Worlds
As has been a frequent pattern lately, I wake up Saturday morning with emotions of stuckness, resistance, and rebellion.
After wasting some time on the internet, and playing a few mind-numbing computer games, I am suddenly overwhelmed by an intense flow of emotion. Without having a clue as to the nature or origin of this emotion, I retire to my bedroom and allow the raging flow to release through buckets of brief tears. Suddenly, about ten minutes later, the intensity of the mystery-emotion diminishes – but continues to flow mildly in a way that does not allow me to focus on anything, especially on writing.
I am eagerly looking forward to participating in a group Skype ceremony with five young friends back in Utah. I conducted a chocolate ceremony with four of these magical young men last summer when I was building my confidence during a three-month trip to the United States.
As I walk out to Keith’s home, I feel a great deal of energy flowing in my body. The energy in and of itself feels powerful and important, but an overwhelming confusion accompanies the energy, leaving me somewhat struggling.
“I feel as if I am on a tiny narrow ledge,” I explain to Keith when he asks how I am doing. “I am hanging on to the edge of a cliff, contemplating whether I trust myself to climb higher, but feeling unbalanced and unstable, fearing that I will fall off if I try to climb.”
“I am stuck between two worlds,” I add, “not yet trusting the new, but unable to go back.”
Simultaneous Power And Fear
Keith and I have no time to talk before jumping directly into the Skype session. Even with my present state, I do feel a great deal of Higher Energy flowing through me, and I am confident that I will be able to hold a powerful energetic space for others. That is exactly what I do.
In a paradox of feelings, I simultaneously experience deep strength and intense fear. While holding space, I breathe energy into my heart and imagine it reaching out, extending all the way to my friend’s living room in Utah. One young man in the ceremony later tells me that he actually felt my presence in the room at one point, early on.
That intense fear escalates to panic and anxiety in the center of my heart as I again step up the Higher Energy that flows through me. In my mind, I imagine myself stepping barefoot into a huge electrical socket that is currently disconnected from Source power. Then I imagine the power being turned on with a dimmer switch, getting stronger and stronger. With each imagined power increase, the level of real fear increases considerably.
Nevertheless, I maintain a powerful heart, holding quiet energetic space while engaging in this deep inner journey.
“Ever since the ceremony yesterday, I have felt unwillingness and refusal to meditate for myself,” I begin to ponder the rebellious mood that greeted me when I woke up this morning. “But right now, I am quite willing and eager to meditate for the purpose of holding powerful space for my friends …and it is immensely benefiting me in the process … Wow!”
Abandoned yet Again
At one point, Keith needs a short break to interact with his construction workers down in the garden. As I take the opportunity to quickly converse with my new friends, one young man reminds me of how I helped him last summer.
“It deeply touched me when you discussed your intense journey with masculine and feminine energies during our ceremony together,” the young man shares his heart.
When Keith returns from the garden, this same young man asks Keith to guide him deeper into his own masculine and feminine energy issues. I decide to follow along with this guided experience, doing so in my own unique way.
Imagining myself in my inner conference room, I sit on one end of a small table, with my feminine self on the left side, my masculine self on the right, and my Higher Self joining us on the far side of the table.
As Keith guides this young man to have his Higher Self share energy with his own little inner child, intuitions whisk me away in an unexpected direction.
“I do not believe that Higher Self or any other Higher Energies are going to help me when I need them most.” I ponder the intense feelings that suddenly surface out of nowhere. “Instead, they will tease me and give me tantalizing glimpses, but when it comes down to the wire, they will not be there for me.”
“AND I am projecting this same belief onto Keith as an intense version of my God drama,” I ponder with shock. “I know he is helping me tremendously, but part of me believes that he is not going to help me in my deepest hour of need … that he will abandon me and make me do it all myself … and I will fail … yet again.”
A Blatant Lie
“I DO know that the Higher Energies are helping me and will increasingly do so as I allow more such assistance,” I ponder with countering clarity.
“I AM receiving that assistance NOW,” I refute this inner voice. “It is a blatant lie that I do not and will never receive the help I need.”
As I engage in this inner exploration and debate, deep emotion swells in my heart. Not wanting to disturb the Skype session, I do not make any audible sounds, but when the tears begin to stream with considerable intensity, I quickly grab a roll of tissue to muffle the flow.
For much of the remainder of the ceremony, this emotion silently rages. I continue to hold space, but do so from a place of deep emotion and flowing tears. When Keith encourages the young man to bring in more trust, I attempt to do the same, but the trust is waning.
A Flash Of Insight
Later, as Keith starts an empath training with this small group of young men, he explains that those of us who are empaths had no opportunity for training in a positive polarity. When we were children, we unknowingly connected to our parents, and their emotional stuff just came pouring out of them and right into us.
“If you tried to talk to your parents about what was happening and what you were feeling,” Keith explains, “you got in trouble, being made wrong, and slammed for talking about things that could not possibly be true in their reality.”
Suddenly, listening to this discussion, I have a profound flash of insight.
“This was the start of my betrayal energy … of feeling betrayed by my mother and by God,” I ponder with deep clarity. “As a tiny child, I needed to feel loved and safe, but when I took in the emotional pain of my mother and others … it was agonizingly painful, and I cried a lot. When I tried to explain and defend myself for the crying, I was punished, feeling invalidated and deeply betrayed by those who should have been there to help me and love me unconditionally.”
“I felt deeply betrayed by my mother, and I massively projected that betrayal onto God and Higher Energies at the same time,” I continue to ponder. “My mother was indeed the first person who triggered that betrayal energy in this lifetime. No wonder I resisted her so much when I was a child.”
These deepening insights cause my silent tears to turn into silent sobs. Wow, the emotion hurts, causing bigger piles of tissue to grow on the floor beside me.
Gratitude And Tears
I feel a deep connection to the beautiful young men on the other end of the Skype connection. They are amazing souls. I can feel their magic from thousands of miles away. Toward the end of the ceremony, as we are just chatting, I feel much lighter … almost giggling.
“Thank you everyone for including me in the ceremony,” I express gratitude to my friends. “I have been on quite the journey today, but the session has really lightened me up. I am so grateful for being able to participate.”
“It was your energy and your powerful magical connection abilities that helped Brenda today,” Keith quickly adds his own feedback to the young men. “You helped her in ways that I and others on the porch her in San Marcos have not been able to do.”
“Wow,” I ponder with a giggle, “the only thing I know for sure is that I deeply reached out with my energy and love, and came away more healed and whole.”
“You get so many magical people coming through your porch,” One young friend addresses Keith. “It must be amazing.”
“We do have some very stuck people come through too,” Keith comments after acknowledging the daily magic that occurs here.
“Like Brenda,” I immediately interject. “I have been soooo stuck in my process.”
“And then we have some incredibly magical people like Brenda come through,” Keith quickly adds. “I am so grateful to have her here.”
My heart warms with love and joy as I immediately sink back into tears – this time into tears of deep gratitude for the words that Keith just shared with the others.
“I cannot talk,” I mumble through the tears while trying to say something to my friends back home. “I am deeply honored, gifted, and touched by your support and loving acknowledgment.”
Childhood Parallels
“How are you doing, Brenda?” Keith queries after the session is over.
After quickly describing my emotional journey to Keith, I take the opportunity to seek feedback on other issues. First, I explain to Keith what I experienced last night during my hour-long conversation with my friend – the one after the ceremony where I felt her emotional density flowing through me – an experience that she flat-out denied.
“First of all,” I beg Keith, “I would like feedback on whether my perceptions were accurate. The whole experience reminded me of what I used to unknowingly do in all of my friendships.”
“I’m getting that twenty percent of what you felt was your empathy for her situation,” Keith responds after checking with his own guidance. “But you are right, about eighty percent of what you felt last night was actually her emotion, unbeknownst to her, flowing into and through you.”
“Wow, that is just like when I was a child doing the same thing with my mother,” I express with excited clarity. “The density came out of her, without her even needing to know. Then, when I tried to talk about it, my perceptions were denied. As a child, I was made deeply wrong and punished for doing this, causing me to feel profoundly betrayed.”
“You are doing really well,” Keith congratulates me as I hurry away from his porch. He has someone else waiting for a private session, and I am eager to get home, to take some notes, and to reward my inner children with a burger and fries at a local restaurant.
A Theme Of Betrayal
As I rest on Saturday evening, a beautiful feeling of lightness, hopefulness, happiness, and peace resonate through my soul.
Wow, what a beautiful-but-intense two days these have been. After exploring deep issues of trust – issues triggered by questions regarding why I would manifest such bizarre ceremonies – issues triggering deep popcorn-popping anxiety – the unfolding breadcrumbs of those trust issues have taken me on a profound journey of self-discovery and healing.
Soon, I landed at the crux of the matter – the real issue of how I just plain do not trust God and Higher Energies to help me when the going gets tough. I felt abandoned as a child, and part of me still believes that when it comes down to the wire, that I will always be abandoned.
With Keith’s blunt “watching my back” honesty, and his insistence that it is time to quit beating around the bush and to actually OWN the game I am playing with God, the journey gets real … and deeply painful.
I am blown away by the beautiful insights that synchronously follow – insights into how my lifelong patterns of feeling betrayed actually stem from a childhood feeling of betrayal. That betrayal originated because I was an empath, unknowingly consuming the pain of my parents, being made-wrong and punished for expressing the resulting pain. That same betrayal energy was angrily-but-stealthily projected onto Deity, and later projected onto anyone else who hurt me deeply.
I am profoundly grateful for the beautiful journey of “knowing myself” that continues to flow through me. I never cease to be amazed by the synchronous, step-by-step understanding that faithfully guides my healing. As love and light radiate in my heart, I eagerly anticipate the next step.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved