This is one of “those” days. It is an extremely powerful day, but highly emotional, and very difficult to portray in writing. In fact, yesterday, I tried to write but just could not do it as more unhealed emotions surfaced to nibble on me.
There were so many harsh words – words of perceived attack coming from people I love. I have a strong desire not to offend anyone, but I must take the risk of writing. I must do so because it was by acknowledging those perceived attacks without giving away any of my power, and instead finding that power within, that led to one of my most profound experiences on the porch … ever.
Generational Differences
I begin Friday, June 29, 2012, just like any other day. I am up shortly after 6:00 a.m., checking emails, Facebook, and my blog. Just a minute after 7:00 a.m., a strong jolt shakes my apartment. The little earthquake begins quite forcefully, and then gradually fades over about twenty seconds.
“It looks like my world is going to be shaken up today, yet again,” I giggle in nervous anticipation.
As I spend a little time reading “Oneness,” received and transcribed by Rasha, I find great peace in reading much of chapter twenty-five, a chapter that discusses the vibrational differences between various generations. This quote – the third paragraph on page 240 – especially jumps out at me:
“The beings now incarnating into your reality are, themselves, representations of an interim stage in the evolution of the being who will, ultimately, populate your world. Their perceptions seem clearer, at times, than your conditioning permits yours to be. And they are puzzled as to why the older generations seem to struggle with their lives, when they do not appear to manifest so much conflict in theirs. These beings have incarnated at vibrational levels that are in harmony with the conditions now prevalent in your world, whereas, you incarnated at vibrational levels from which your reality has ascended.”
In these words I find great comfort wih a tiny bit of validation as to why I comparatively struggle so much with my deep childhood conditioning, while many in the thirty-something crowd (who of course had difficult challenges of their own) do not seem to have a clue as to the challenges of the journeys of some in older generations.
I have often felt deeply judged and even condemned by some of the magical souls in the younger generations who pass through San Marcos. They seem to throw stones and judge me for having so much density … so many inner blockages that prevent me from connecting to higher energies as easily as they do. Further reading in this chapter helps me drop my judgments and resentments, recognizing that we all come into this world at specific times for specific reasons … that we each have our own unique journey.
As I read this chapter, I have no idea what is about to transpire. Oh, the wonderful synchronicities of being in the flow, LOL!
Talking About Confrontation
Prior to writing about the ceremony, I also need to review a little about my history of working with Keith. I have learned to profoundly trust Keith, even when his behavior seems to go off the deep-end of odd and inappropriate. Without fail, he always has a guided reason for the way he interacts with me in my process. Sometimes, he is quite aware as to that reason, acting from conscious guidance, and other times he is simply following the flow himself. But in every situation, he is always playing the other end of my script in my own little healing holodeck.
There are times when Keith has been confrontational, playing harsh parental authority roles, and then there are times when he is real and genuine, profoundly validating the depth of my process. I clearly see that both approaches have served me greatly. Some of my most profound growth has resulted from those confrontational, in-my-face times.
But I have never taken kindly to others doing the same with me. It strikes me as being deeply inappropriate – under normal circumstances where trust is not established – to intentionally push someone’s buttons, to confront them harshly in a form of tough love. In my humble, heartfelt opinion, such tough-love approaches do more harm than good, and unless deeply guided by higher energies, I will never employ such tactics in my own healing practice.
One time, when Keith had played an extremely painful script for me, I challenged him on what at the time had deeply devastated me.
“Brenda,” Keith had responded. “From your perspective it should not matter what my motivation is for behaving in a certain way. If I am being a dense jerk asshole, or if I am playing a role for you in a divinely inspired way – regardless, from your perspective it is the same. Your job is to go inside and to work on your own triggers. If I am being a dense jerk asshole, then my job is to go inside and heal that inside me.”
From Peace To Panic
I arrive at Keith’s porch shortly before noon. Nostalgia continues to fill my soul as I ponder that this will be Keith’s final chocolate ceremony in San Marcos before he begins his travels to the United States.
Sixteen people gather on the porch, several of them new. Many of those, however, stay only a short while.
During the “Glow Meditation,” I experience a nice energy as I focus on finding my inner smile, on bringing in light, and on being present … with no judgment for a few behaviors and situations that are already somewhat distracting. I am quite proud of myself for remaining peaceful and completely unattached to anything on the outside.
But as I begin to return to a recent metaphor – one of imagining myself in the back seat of a moving car while trying to relax – I begin to feel a great deal of churning rebellion and anxiety in my solar plexus. It is almost at panic-attack levels.
When the meditation ends, Keith asks if anyone wants help. I wait for about five minutes, not wanting to dominate the ceremony, but no one speaks up. Finally, Keith glances my way, makes eye contact, and acknowledges with his eyes that he can tell I am deeply hurting in my solar plexus.
Reverse Psychology … And Doubts
“I am dealing with a near-panic attack in my solar plexus,” I explain my process to Keith. “This is actually quite powerful, because I am ignoring the panic, simply observing it while bringing in love.”
“I trust that love is the answer,” I continue sharing, “and I am envisioning that “Beast” needing “Belle’s love, and vice-versa … just working the metaphors.”
“Make the resistance stronger,” Keith encourages. “Do the opposite of trying to soothe it … strengthen it instead.”
Seeing the wisdom in Keith’s reverse-psychology approach to “know myself,” I begin to clench all of my muscles while focusing on inner energies. Keith quickly moves on to work with others.
I sit with this approach for a while, but nothing seems to be changing or shifting in any way. Slight hunches make me start to wonder if the pains in my solar plexus might perhaps be a form of ego scamming … of a very clever ego masquerading as density, attempting to derail my process.
“Is this part of me lying and creating a problem out of nothing?” I ponder curiously.
“This is just a belief,” I remind myself as I again think about the power of post-hypnotic suggestions. “Maybe it really is ego trying to sabotage me.”
God Drama Confrontation
“How are you doing, Brenda?” Keith finally turns back to check in with me.
After filling Keith in on my journey, I discuss my doubts and my inability to connect with Higher Energies.
“I am in a space where I do not fully trust what I am doing.” I innocently share frustration from my heart.
“Brenda, this is the game you are playing with God,” Keith begins to confront me with harsh emphasis. “You don’t want to open this.”
“But I DO want to open up,” I protest. “It is the subconscious inner beliefs and densities that are stopping me, keeping me from moving forward.”
Immediately, as I speak these words, I recognize what Keith is doing, and why he is doing it. I have been so deep in my process lately, that I have forgotten earlier lessons – having again slipped into a place of not owning my God drama games. Keith is intentionally, with a harsh and exaggerated tone of importance, reaming this fact home for me.
“Quit referring to that ‘other-part-of-you’ as being to blame,” Keith lovingly scolds me. “You need to own that it is YOU who is playing this game.”
“Now repeat after me,” Keith continues his firm onslaught. “I don’t want to open. I just want to stay stuck in this pain.”
“I don’t want to open.” I repeat with emotion. “I just want to stay stuck in this pain. I don’t want to open, I just want to stay stuck in this pain … I don’t want to open, I just want to stay stuck in this pain…”
As I repeat this, and other phrases, I feel quite humiliated, knowing that the rest of the porch is watching on – assuming that they all must think I am an absolute loser to have Keith being so firm with me.
By now, I am clearly remembering the last time that Keith guided me into deeply owning my God drama. It was an extremely painful ceremony, a deeply emotional journey of learning that I really AM the one playing these games with Deity.
A Blindsiding Attack
Suddenly, a very magical young friend jumps into the mix, in a harsh and attacking voice, slamming me in her own way. I will call her Catherine.
“I have seen you in your power,” Catherine reams me, “but now you are just wallowing in your densities, as if you want to loop in your processing forever. I have never seen you when you are not processing. You never seem to be happy. Blah, blah, blah …”
To my shock and chagrin, when I attempt to defend myself and ask Catherine to stop, Keith jumps in and backs her up, telling me she is right, that I should listen to her. I feel deeply criticized and harshly judged – being slammed by someone in a way that I perceive shows absolutely no compassion or understanding – none whatsoever.
“The only time this friend ever sees me is when I am on the porch,” I silently ponder in self-defense. “Yes, I am always processing when she sees me … but I am doing that for a reason. I have an inner mandate that passionately demands this. She never sees me happy, because she never hangs out with me when I am happy.”
“And it is NOT true that she has seen me in my power,” I ponder rebelliously. “She has seen me at times when I have been gifted with profound GLIMPSES of that power … and she has seen me at other times when I am faking-it-till I make it, running on blind intuition … but I have never consistently been able to own my power. That is precisely why I am determined to keep doing all of this inner processing.”
“How dare she do this,” my inner pain is triggered. “She has no right to attack me like this.”
Poignant Memories
Suddenly, I remember two similar ceremonies. The first was a small private ceremony held on May 19, 2012 – one I wrote about in “Deity Drama Depths, Part 4.” In that ceremony, I had been discussing my God drama struggles with Keith … and then Angela suddenly jumped in to share confrontational feedback. In an attempt to defend myself, Keith had also taken the opposite side, agreeing with Angela, causing me to feel devastated and attacked. I had learned a profound lesson that day – one teaching me how defending myself, trying to be right, is giving away my power, serving no one.
The second ceremony took place just two weeks ago on June 15, 2012 – one I wrote about in “Owning The Game.” In that ceremony, Keith had harshly humiliated me in front of the group, doing almost the same identical thing he is doing today.
In both of those ceremonies, profound healing had resulted – but the healing only came when I stopped looking outside for answers – when I instead turned inward and connected to Source for guidance and direction.
Considering Possibilities
“I am deep in the throws of my God drama,” I ponder in humiliation. “I know that I am extremely close to major growth and breakthroughs.”
I believe that Keith is acting from a place of consciously playing a role for me, intentionally being somewhat of a hard-ass because that is what I need right now in this difficult God-drama moment. I know Keith has my best interest at heart, and that no damage will result in our friendship.
However, I believe that Catherine is acting from a place of judgment and tough love, invalidating me and criticizing the beautiful process I am in – not understanding my journey at all. Instead, I feel as if she has no compassion, insisting that if she can do it, then so can I – and that I need to “get over it” and quit being an absolute wallowing-in-my-pain forever-processing loser.
Immediately, I flash back to the passages I read in “Oneness” this morning – a quote that helps me understand that Catherine (being from a younger generation) just cannot understand where I am at in my own process, and that this is part of her journey, not something I need to judge her for or concern myself with in any way.
Then, I remember how Keith has frequently taught me about not needing to be right, and that if someone is being a dense jerk asshole with me (as I believe Catherine is doing today) – that my job is not to analyze their motive, but is instead to take the trigger inside and find out why it hurts so much. For all I know, Catherine is acting under profound and divine guidance, sharing words that are being channeled through her for my own good, just as Keith seems to be doing.
An Opportunity For A Different Choice
As I listen to the words of Keith and Catherine, I clearly see that what I am hearing does not mesh with the truth of my own heart.
With this clue, and the understanding of many profound experiences in the past (two of which I just mentioned), I begin to clearly recognize this whole situation as being a beautifully scripted stage play – a magical episode of my personally scripted “Muppet Show.”
Right now, both Keith and Catherine are my leading actors, playing their roles, reading their divine scripts, trying to get me react in this way or that. It suddenly does not matter to me in the least if they are aware of what they are doing, or if they are doing it in a completely unconscious manner. What they are doing for me is profound. What they are doing is giving me a clear example of my biggest nightmares, and giving me an opportunity to make a different choice. I have the a choice to respond in a different way – to respond with love – to not need to be right – to respond while being in the personal power that comes from a connection to Source rather than from the power of ego defense and attack.
Finding My Power
Almost immediately, I remember a dear friend Sue who always used to tell me that when someone attacks me verbally, that the easiest way to respond is to simply say, “You might be right … I will take that into consideration.” In this way, the person attacking me feels heard and acknowledged, and I am free to listen to or ignore their feedback, to use what might apply, and to put the rest on the shelf. In this approach, there is no need for defense of any kind – no need to drain my power in an attempt to prove myself right.
“Thank you for your feedback,” I tell Catherine and Keith, “You might be right. I will take it into consideration.”
“I know my process is perfect,” I silently ponder with a giggle. “My heart is genuine and pure. I am following an amazing flow of synchronous inner guidance that continues to astound me on an almost-daily basis. I have courageously slogged through layer after layer of debilitating emotional blockages, each tediously taking me one step closer to my goal.”
“And I also know that the advice being thrust upon me is valid,” I ponder with clarity. “I absolutely do not want to spend the rest of my life processing and struggling with emotional densities. And I clearly own that Keith is correct that I continue to deny ownership of my God drama.”
“But none of that invalidates what I am doing,” I giggle in silence. “None of that makes me wrong. I AM engaged in a profoundly guided process. Everything I have done in my processing has been guided and inspired in the flow of my own being. Yes, I am doing things more slowly than others, but it is a profound educational process – one that is giving me a beautiful inner license to have the compassion and ability to help others – the same compassion that is not being demonstrated today.”
“As painful as it is,” I continue silently pondering, “I will choose and honor my process, thank you. It is unique for me. It is perfect. It is guided, it is inspired, and it is synchronous … and I absolutely know it is precisely what I need to be doing … in the way that I need to be doing it.”
“This is the perfect opportunity to find self-love, self-acceptance, and compassion for myself,” a smile forms on my face. “This is my chance to stop giving my power away to the opinions of others, and to find my direct link to Source … my personal connection that I can and DO trust implicitly. I would not be here today, were it not for this profound and personal connection that has repeatedly guided me on this journey of self-discovery.”
No Velcro Here
Catherine continues to make frequent challenging statements to me. Each time she does, I listen politely, maintaining a loving stance. When she is done, I again respond, “Thank you for your feedback … You might be right … I will take it into consideration.”
“I am clearly seeing this whole situation as a powerful stage play to show me how I have always given away my power to those who told me I was not doing it right,” I confidently share with Keith and Catherine. “I will no longer give my power to those who gossiped about me all over town – to those who criticize me for crying – and to those who judge my process as taking too long. I know that I am exactly where I need to be, doing precisely what I need to be doing.”
Keith validates that I am learning a lot from my process, but then agrees with Catherine, stating that I am looping forever.
“Thank you for your feedback,” I share with Keith, “I will take that into consideration. But to me, my process is perfect. I have always done the best I know how, with pure intentions, and I am deeply committed to what I am doing.”
I am proud of myself because, while I am responding and expressing my knowing, I am not attacking or defending in any way. Several times, I thank Catherine for her continued feedback – and she continues to send a lot of harsh words in my direction. Soon, I stop responding altogether, simply ignoring words that do not stick to me. It seems that I am finally letting go of my side of this disempowering Velcro.
Choosing Sweet Over Angry
Suddenly, another dear friend launches into a five-minute speech, telling me nonstop what is wrong with my process, why I am stuck, and what I need to change and shift. As her speech continues, I politely listen while letting most of her words simply bounce off the spot where the Velcro used to be. My friend’s words feel as if they are very disempowering and judgmental, but I take no offense because I know her motivations are genuine.
“Thank you for your feedback,” I respond when she is done, speaking in a very loving tone and energy. “You might be right.”
“Brenda,” Keith grins and speaks with glowing praise. “You have just shifted into a powerful place.
This same friend again adds more fixing feedback, and I again simply thank her.
Catherine then jumps back into the mix, reaming me some more. She seems deeply annoyed that her comments are not sticking to me – irritated that I do not seem to be taking things personally, or emotionally.
“Brenda, I would rather hear you get angry and scream than just being all sweet,” Catherine confronts me again.
“Thank you for your feedback,” I respond with a grin. “You might be right.”
Lightning Bolts
By now, I have noted with fascination that my hands are beginning to vibrate with powerful lightening energy. It begins gradually, and continues to increase every time that I lovingly respond with “you might be right” and “thank you for your feedback.”
After a few minutes, the vibrations in my hands are beyond my wildest experience – stronger than I have ever felt them – much stronger than I felt that first time in late 2010 right here on Keith’s porch.
“Keith,” I share with a giggle, “the energy in my hands is amazing. Can you feel it too?”
Keith acknowledges with a smile and remains a quiet observer while a couple of others continue their subtle attacks – continuing their attempts to pull me into debates about my personal truth.
“Use the energy to help heal yourself,” Keith eventually encourages me, referring to the lightning bolts in my hands.
Soon, I aim my fingertips at my heart and abdomen. The energy in the fingertips is intense – but I do not feel a lot leaving my hands and going into my belly or heart. I trust my process, however, surrendering control, not judging anything, and simply expressing a silent intent for Higher Self to help me in ways that I cannot direct with rational mind.
Please Disengage
Catherine looks on with a frown. I perceive that she and my other friend are unimpressed by what I am experiencing.
But I do not care. My crown is now also profoundly buzzing with energy, and I feel a beautiful connection with Higher Energies throughout my body. I totally trust the sense of self-knowing peacefully confirming that the power I feel in my body is real and magical. I need no validation from anyone else.
Even Keith continues to badger me a little bit, testing me to see how I will respond. Finally, when Catherine will simply not stop prodding me with uninvited feedback, I put my loving foot down.
“I really appreciate your feedback,” I smile at Catherine and speak with love, “but will you please disengage now. Your words are not helping me in the least.”
“OK then,” Keith interrupts my process, “Time to move on.”
I perceive Keith’s tone of voice as implying that I am not cooperating, and somehow being bad. I just grin inside. No matter what I perceive from others, I am in my divine power, and I feel deeply connected. I trust that I am in a stage play – and I giggle inside at how, for the first time in my life, I trust my own guidance more than that of anyone else – even more than guidance from Keith.
Trusting Inner Knowing
A few minutes later, Keith turns around and encourages me to use some of my lightning energy to help a friend to my left. I place my left hand above her heart for about five minutes.
“Can you give Brenda some feedback,” Keith asks this friend, who is one of those who has been engaging me in ongoing badgering.
“I can’t feel hardly any energy at all,” my friend shares feedback to me.
I smile inside. I know that this friend is deeply sensitive to energies, and normally I would be quite confused that she cannot feel what I am feeling. But I also somehow know that this is part of the stage play – that this is another opportunity to trust inner knowing more than I trust the feedback of another – even someone so sensitive.
“The lack of confirming feedback does not phase me at all,” I silently ponder. “I absolutely know that my hands have more energy vibrating in them right now than ever before. I do not need her validation to confirm what I feel. I feel the energy inside my hands, but do not feel it flowing out. I know that this is all part of learning to trust myself.”
Soon, I pull my left hand back and place both of my hands on my own abdomen, remaining in this process until the end of the ceremony. I play with this energy for a very long time.
When I express my intention to connect with my Higher Self, scattered pains form and gather at that nail-in-my-heart spot at the center of my heart chakra – the center of my betrayal energy. The present sensations are very painful.
Reality Creation Gratitude
Meanwhile, I observe others. I watch as another woman works with a young man. I perceive that she is pushing him, trying to take him to places that she thinks he needs to go to in order to find an inner connection that she thinks he needs to find.
Then as Keith works with my friend to the left, he glances at me and pauses.
“How are you doing, Brenda?” Keith asks with a huge glowing grin on his face.
“I am deeply grateful for your role-playing,” I respond with a giggle. “It has been profound in helping me to find my inner power and connection to Source.”
“And that nail in your heart spot?” Keith asks, already seeming to know what I am working on.
“Yeah, I’m working on it with Higher Self,” I respond with confidence.
Reality Creation Debate
“You don’t really believe that?” the friend on my left confronts Keith when she heard me thanking him for role-playing with me. “It really concerns me when Brenda says that the world is role-playing for her, because it sounds like someone on an LSD trip who thinks the whole world revolves around them.”
“No, I wasn’t role-playing,” Keith tells my friend.
I am surprised by Keith’s words, because I clearly know he was playing a profound script for me. I can only assume that maybe he was not doing so with conscious intent.
But I also recognize that Keith is working with someone that relates to a different version of the truth, and that he is trying to remain in a neutral space where she can listen to him. My friend immediately tries to engage Keith in validating her opinion that “Brenda is in ego for saying that she creates her reality on the porch and that Keith and others were role-playing, etc…”
Keith skillfully backs off, diverts her questions, and never fully answers any of them, acknowledging that sometimes he is very direct, and sometimes he gets “intuitive knowing” about someone, but clearly knows that they are not able or ready to hear it. I glow with giggling inner knowing as I realize that Keith is doing exactly this with my friend – that he is trying to work with her from her viewpoint, in a way that she can hear.
My fried seems very frustrated with Keith, and soon walks down into the garden.
I Just Know
I glow on the inside, exuding a huge external grin, as I continue to observe the porch. For the first time ever, I am clearly seeing things from a higher perspective – things that would have devastated me a few months ago. Things that once would have shattered my confidence now bring giggles and peaceful vibrations to my soul. I watch as Keith works with each person where they are at, not needing to be right, holding back and speaking to each person with individual and uniquely-tailored guidance – tailored to what they are able to hear.
I giggle inside when Keith soon speaks quietly to the woman on the porch who is verbally trying to coax a young man to go deeper into his process – the same woman I had been observing earlier. While sitting in front of me, Keith gently calls over to this woman, telling her that he is trying to help her learn “not to talk so much and to instead guide someone inside to find their own answers.”
The young woman quickly glances up, acknowledging that she heard something, but I clearly perceive that she did not internalize the message. This is much the same thing that Catherine was doing to me earlier – trying to push me to where she thought I needed to go. I am still unsure of Catherine’s motives, but I no longer care in the least. The result was profound.
The way Keith gives his feedback to this young woman – doing so in a way that I clearly hear – tells me that his message is also an indirect acknowledgment that Catherine had done the same to me earlier, but that he had allowed it because it served me. I do not need Keith or anyone to validate my knowing … I just somehow know this, and I find delight in not needing any outside confirmation. This woman, while deeply magical and gifted, has not yet learned how to honor someone else’s unique process by “following them” rather than “guiding them.”
Pain Ponderings
Soon, I focus more meditation onto that painful energy now collecting at the nail-in-my-heart spot.
“What I have been projecting onto Keith, and other porch friends, is really what I am painfully feeling at this nail-in-my-heart spot,” I suddenly realize as I ponder the observations.
“This pain represents my “mother-energy” … my hatred for “fixing energy” … my energy of self-perpetuated beating myself up,” I ponder with new insights.
Intuitions guide me that the core of the sharp pains that I feel at this nail-in-my-heart spot has to do with those agonizing and convincing voices of negativity – the “I will be forever stuck, forever looping, being a social loser, giving my power away, everyone victimizing me, everyone betraying me, blah blah blah” beliefs.
“This pain forms the dense images on my inner film,” intuitions fill me with clarity. “It represents the energy that projects all of this ongoing, dysfunctional negativity onto my external mirror of reality – onto my stage play. This film image is big, round, at the center, and very real!”
A New And Unexplored Place
Soon, I place all meditative focus on connecting with that energetic pain … on actually being that pain … on feeling the anger, victimization, and betrayal. My progress is slow, but I clearly recognize that I am finally starting to OWN this part of me – honoring its realness, and honoring how it is a primary influence in my God drama projections. I see it … I believe it … and I am now starting to directly feel its pain and transmute it … doing so consciously rather than from behind the subconscious blinders.
Then I begin to visualize myself at the bottom of an un-climbable wall of glass. I imagine myself vibrating with the Higher Energies that now permeate me like lightning, floating with angelic metaphors and my Higher Self as they begin to carry me over the obstacle that I cannot pass using rational mind. Next, I imagine myself levitating into my room filled with my circle of divine friends.
I do not know what is really happening in my process, and I do not really concern myself with that knowing. All I do know is that I am immersing myself in experiential energetic metaphors, and that I am glowing with beautiful energy, confidence, and peace.
A sense of inner knowing soon tells me that I have passed over that wall of glass … that I am in a new and unexplored place.
Guided To Be Tough
I continue to smile and giggle inside as that powerful lightning energy keeps on vibrating inside, especially in my hands and crown. Gradually, over the next thirty minutes or so, the energy begins to fade.
To my delight, in the middle of this energetic-basking, Keith turns back to me with a grin, holds out two huge “thumbs up,” and we begin to chat.
“I know that you do not consider yourself to have been role-playing,” I speak with confidence, “but I know that you were beautifully playing the other end of my script, being the tough-guy that I needed you to be in order to take me to going into my own power.”
“Yeah, I was playing your script and following guidance that told me that I needed to be tough today,” Keith readily acknowledges.
“Is it OK if I scream?” I hear my friend call out from down in the garden – the same friend who had earlier referred to my “reality creation” statements as being an LSD-like ego trip.”
I profoundly sense this dear friend’s frustration as she listens in to my conversation with Keith.
A New Aliveness
Keith and I banter for the next forty-five minutes.
“Welcome, to who you are,” Keith deeply congratulates me.
“What dimension am I in?” I joke with Keith.
By now, the lightning bolt energy in my hands has mostly stopped, but I continue to feel a powerful energy connection from my crown flowing down both to my hands and to my heart, and even a little bit flowing down out my feet.
“There is an ‘aliveness’ in your hands that was not there before,” Keith points out with confidence.
“Where am I and what have you done with the Brenda I once knew?” I again joke with Keith. “What dimension did you say I am in?”
Bursts Of Laughter
“Brenda,” Keith soon guides me. “Connect with Bobby and Sharon and see what mood they are in.”
“My inner children are laughing and giggling … partying,” I soon respond.
“Yeah,” Keith validates, “they want you to party with them.”
Several times during our ongoing bantering, Keith reaches over and starts to tickle the side of my ribs. Each time he does so, I burst into laughter. I have a huge smile on my face, and have not felt this giggly and playful in a very long time. I even smile at Paul, acknowledging him with my hands held over my heart.
“Welcome to who you really are,” Keith tells me later as we walk into town together.
A group of us are getting together at a local restaurant. Normally, I would go straight home to take notes about an amazing day … but knowing that Keith is soon leaving, I take advantage of one last shared-conversation-over-dinner opportunity.
A Perfect Ending
As I later prepare for bed, shortly after 9:30 p.m., a beautiful meditative energy continues to flow through me. When I close my eyes, I almost feel as if I am floating in the clouds.
Right before turning off my computer, I find a new email quote from “Oneness” by Rasha. This one is quite timely, inspiring me greatly. Following are the words of “A Moment Of Oneness #69”:
“Dissecting oneself out of one’s life conditioning is a painstaking process that can be expected to take months or even years to complete. Do not fault yourself if you realize you are still responding to familiar signals. Recognition of the patterns and themes is a major part of this work and must precede extracting oneself from their grasp. Finding the common threads woven amongst your life issues is merely the beginning of the process. You should not expect to be able to simply walk away from a lifetime of living theater and not be compelled to speak the lines you know by heart.”
I literally love how this quote discusses our lifetime as being a “living theater” – and how the process of “know thyself” is merely the beginning of the process. I take great comfort in a sense of inner knowing that right now, my process is perfect, that I am right where I need to be, even if the process is taking years. I fill with self-love as I acknowledge that, for me, walking away from my living theater has indeed been long and painful – but I giggle when I realize I am no longer quite so compelled to speak the same defensive and disempowering lines that I once knew by heart.
Deep humble gratitude swells in my heart as I realize that, at least for today, I rewrote the script. I no longer spoke the old lines of my stage-play. Instead, I disengaged from the trauma, thanked people for their well-intentioned feedback, and quickly went inside to find the true source of my power – that being a profound sense of trusted inner knowing that while I may be looping and I may be slow – that I am courageously learning and doing the work, establishing an ever-deeper, direct connection to Source.
Magical Meditating
As I rest on my pillow, my head will not stop reviewing the events of the day, I now clearly see that Keith’s, Catherine’s, and my other friend’s comments, while unwelcome at the time, had all been a beautiful contribution to my process. In many ways, I believe they were divinely inspired to say what they said, and I carry no judgment for what I first perceived as the harshness of their delivery. I clearly see the stage-play-nature of how everything unfolded exactly as it needed to, in order for my inner shifts to occur.
And in spite of what cultural conditioning would have me believe, a profound sense of inner peace tells me that it was definitely not “ego power” that I took back today. In many ways, I had felt guilty in lovingly “defying” and ignoring the words of my friends, feeling as if honoring and trusting my own feelings over and above their strong magical opinions, was exactly that – ego.
But in this, I am quite clear. What I did today was just the opposite. I learned to trust and unflinchingly follow an inner guidance – an inner connection to Source – a connection that was “made-wrong” when I was a tiny child. And this inner guidance – this inner voice of knowing and intuition – is absolutely more important than any voice that may tell me otherwise.
What a perfect way to end the final chocolate ceremony of a long and arduous season. None of my time this year has been wasted by looping. It has been a perfect education … a perfect teacher of compassion, self-love, and love for others … of not needing to be right and allowing others to have their own truth … of more deeply understanding reality creation … of learning to reel in projections onto others … and of learning to own the crazy games I play with God. People can throw stones all the want, but I will trust my own inner guidance above all.
I know I am far from done, but the ride so far has been amazing.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved