Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled “Teddy Bear Tales.”
Nervous twitches consume me as I sit on Keith’s magical porch for the first time since that intense ceremony at the end of June. That was a ceremony where I was firmly and publicly challenged by Keith to fully own my God Drama – a ceremony where another magical friend had then attacked my long drawn-out process, scolding me and making me wrong (my perception). She had given me valid energetic feedback, but showed neither compassion nor loving understanding for my process itself.
That was a ceremony where I stood up and lovingly owned my power, declaring that I absolutely know I have been following guidance every step of the way – confidently stating that there is nothing amiss with my process – and nothing wrong with the fact that I have taken the hard bus to this point of my journey. In fact, during that ceremony I found the ability to lovingly thank others for what I perceived as their well-intentioned negative feedback and attack, graciously telling them that I would take their words into consideration. In fact, it had actually been a profound ceremony for me.
And lest I forget, it was only two days later, in the depths of the most frightening suicidal pain ever, that I felt both absolutely ignored by Keith and profoundly gifted with a magical easy bus experience (thanks to him), all in the course of an hour.
In the long months that followed, both of these profound experiences had been chatter-fodder for ego – an ego that silently ranted and raved in my head, demanding that I project virulent mayhem all over my friends and teacher. There was no doubt that the ceremony had been a perfect stage play for my growth, but there was also ample evidence to cause ego to feel violated and betrayed – an emotion that I now know is the core basis of my God Drama.
Surprising Intensity
It is Sunday, December 2, 2012 when I again drink chocolate in the presence of Keith’s guidance. I have no idea if more angry projections will rage, or if I will finally find peace and resolution. To my delight, the fears soon settle into a pleasant state of surrender and trust.
As has happened a great deal during the last year, soon after drinking the chocolate, my tummy swells, bulging and bloating with pain. Intuitions clearly reassure me that this is not a physical reaction – but an emotional one – a metaphor from the subconscious realm telling me that I have a great deal of pain-body yet-to-be released.
Quickly, I hold my little teddy bear Bobby on my lap and meditatively return to Grand Junction, Colorado – the place of my birth and first ten years of this physical life – the place where just weeks ago I had shared my first healing experience with this precious little bear.
“See,” I silently converse with Bobby as we begin processing memories from birth to age ten, “this is all energy that we are still carrying around inside. It no longer defines us, but we must feel it in order to release it – to heal those wounds that still influence the mirror of our reality.”
The emotion-based pain saturates my tummy and chest, but rather than judge it as wrong, I surrender and continue processing, repeatedly asking Higher Energies to fill me and to show me how they might help. The pain is intense, at the edge of unbearable, but I never identify with the agony. As a steady stream of tears trickles down my cheeks, I smile inside with a feeling of love – self-love. I even toy with the idea of trying to laugh while crying, but I cannot quite get there. I feel surprised by the intensity of what I experience, especially considering all the processing I have done recently.
Teddy Bear Assistance
“I am no longer attached to what I am feeling,” I tell Keith when he briefly checks in with me. “I am not judging myself any more, and am instead just focusing on self-love and releasing what is coming up inside.”
“I have a suggestion for you,” Keith responds.” Try giving some of that to the bear.”
“You cannot give this density to the light because you have too much integrity to let it go, even to the light or to your bear.” Keith continues. “Practicing with the bear will help you build trust.”
As I go back into meditation, I quickly realize how frightening it is to release this intense pain to someone else … even to an innocent little teddy bear. I cannot let this pain go because someone or something else may have to receive it.
As I focus on this new guidance, I eventually reach a feeling of releasing some density to the bear, but as I do so a great deal of loving-but-painful emotion surfaces. I again attempt to laugh while crying (a state in which masters move energy), but the pain is still too great.
Releasing The Lies
I immerse myself in this overwhelming process for the rest of the ceremony, stepping through life memories, year by year. Ages ten, eleven, and twelve are quite difficult, as are most of the teens – a period of intensely painful and traumatic memories. Progressively, I send love to my inner adolescent, giving and asking for forgiveness, seeking out a state of mutually recognized purity and innocence.
When I reach the late twenties, especially age twenty-eight, I am shocked by the level of intense self-hatred that continues to hide in the shadows. In fact, as I proceed, it becomes obvious that this dark companion is hiding around every corner, right up to present decade.
“I am a loser,” the self-hatred whispers menacingly. “I will never fit in. I will always be an unwanted, abandoned, pariah.”
I clearly recognize these beliefs as the utter lies that they are, and continue to release and forgive, searching for that state of purity and innocence – the unconditional self-love that I know is underneath all the lies, somewhere below the confines of that Pandora’s Box.
Homeward Giggles
At one particularly difficult part of this process, my stomach is so overwhelmed by the metaphorical nausea that I step into the bathroom in an attempt to release the pain physically. But as I do so, instead of a physical release, I briefly surrender to an intense round of muffled sobs and dry heaving – the only way that I fully trust to release such intense emotional pain. As I do so, I actually feel the dense energy leaving via my throat.
“I know I am still on the hard bus,” I console myself with self-love, “but even so, this is still the only way I fully trust to reliably release such emotion. I had to get that emotional pain out of me, and I love myself for doing it.”
Still, I know that the fun bus is on its way to pick me up sometime soon … just waiting for me to learn how to trust the Higher Energies to assist me … to help make the process empowering and enjoyable rather than one that drags my face through the coarse sand under the pounding waves of density.
“That was the best chocolate ceremony I have been to in five months,” I giggle to myself as I later walk home.
All joking aside, it really was a beautiful ceremony. Yes, it was intense – and yes, I am still only beginning to allow the light to help – but at no time today did I lose myself in the density. I am quite proud of myself, and I do not need any external validation to back that up.
Double Talk
Talk about jumping into the fire.
I begin Monday morning in what I expect to be a relaxing start – watching the movie “Another Earth.” To my surprise, however, the movie triggers deep healing and accompanying tears. The fictional story tells of a parallel earth that suddenly shows up in the skies. On that other earth lives another parallel version of each of us – living a different but remarkably similar life.
During the ending scene, I sink into deep releasing tears as I ponder what I would say to my other self if I were to have that magical opportunity to talk and share loving encouragement. The experience is quite cathartic as I realize that I would have no problem sharing profoundly loving guidance with anyone else – but would indeed struggle to see the purity and innocence of my double – my parallel reflection in a different reality.
After watching yet another very emotional movie – one that mirrors my feelings of self-judgment – one of feeling like an ugly misfit, rejected, trying to fit in, forced to sacrifice the integrity of my heart in order to please others – one of finally finding the courage to be myself, but then repeatedly (and unknowingly) manifesting patterns of rejection and betrayal.
A Cuddly Grizzly
To my surprise, as I sit isolated in my apartment, I receive an email from Keith, inviting me to participate in a private group ceremony at 3:00 p.m..
By the time I walk out to Keith’s home for my second ceremony of the season, I am deeply emotional, almost sobbing, sinking into isolation mode, not quite sure how I will survive the rest of the day.
Yet, at the same time, I continue to be the observer, fully aware of the absurdity of the emotions that have wrapped their fingers around my neck, drowning me in their unbelievable power.
The emotional turbulence soon settles to peace as I hold a beautiful energetic space for the work of others. The group, as a whole, is quite stuck, so I soon close my eyes and focus on my own work.
I note that I too am feeling deep stuckness, both in the energy flow from above, and in a huge blockage at my shoulders and high heart regions. In fact, for much of the last hour, I have felt deeply pinched and cramped in my chest cavity – a sensation of deep energetic restriction and impending “fear of opening.”
Quickly getting to work, I meditatively express my intention to release this fear and blockage to my little assistant – precious little Bobby-bear. While in this meditation, I quickly recognize that I am sitting at the base of that un-climbable wall of glass – or in my case, at the top of my impassable switchback – an obstacle that completely blocks my path – an obstacle that I cannot pass under the guidance of rational mind.
Suddenly I feel inspired to view little Bobby-bear as a cuddly grizzly bear who will be my guide. I imagine myself climbing up onto his back and asking him to carry me through the obstacles that I, under my own power, cannot cross.
Strong And Alone
I begin to sink into deep emotions as I allow this visualized help. I feel a deep connection to this cuddly grizzly bear. Soon, the image of the huge white bear in the movie “The Golden Compass” floods my meditation – a powerful bear that will assist me in my journey.
“I have a whole entourage of magical beings that are journeying with me, wanting to magically help and guide me,” I suddenly giggle with realization, “but they cannot help and support me if I refuse to ask, or to allow their assistance.”
“I have been struggling my whole life with having to do everything myself,” I ponder.
In fact, I realize that I have been quite stubborn, often gently refusing the help of others because it was easier to do things myself. I kept manifesting those who wanted to fix me, to make me wrong, to do stuff their way, causing great complications. It was much easier and more efficient to be strong and alone, all by myself, doing things in a way that worked for me while avoiding the pain of being-fixed, made-wrong, rejected, and betrayed yet again.
“It is so much easier just to isolate and be strong,” I ponder a life of pain.
As emotions of anger and abandonment begin to surge deep inside, I realize that I am into my God Drama emotions – to the maximum. My shoulders suddenly hurt with agony, obviously showing me a metaphor of trying to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, by myself, year after year, not allowing help from Higher Self and other magical beings – whether they are physical beings in a body, or Higher Dimensional beings.
I sit peacefully with this painful emotion, asking little Bobby-bear to assist me in releasing it, feeling quite grateful for the increased insights that continue to grow – insights and understandings that will one day allow me to assist others through similar processes.
Giving Is Receiving
Near the end of this beautiful ceremony, I feel a nudge of inner guidance to place my right hand near the back of a young man seated next to me, holding it a few inches behind his heart chakra, doing so without actually making physical contact.
“Can Brenda put her hand on the back of your heart?” Keith immediately interrupts the silence, addressing the young man, essentially confirming that my guidance is spot on.
When the young man responds positively, I allow my hand to make a very light contact with his back. Eventually, a nudge of guidance tells me that I can stop now. It is only later, when the young man turns to hug me, that I receive the feedback I so crave.
He tells me that from the moment I placed my hand on his back, that he had felt a strong rush of powerful energy flowing into his heart, and that the energy had continued right up until the moment that I removed my hand.
Keith later reminds me of how, during my deep emotional journey and struggles of this last year, I have mostly avoided sharing energy with others – and he encourages me to start doing it more.
“It feels like I am ‘fixing’ when I share energy,” I point out to Keith. “And I have been so stuck in my own pain that I have felt unable to give assistance to others.”
“Brenda, there is not a fixing bone in your body,” Keith smiles back.
Keith then tells me that when I share energy with others, that I also allow some of that Higher Energy to help me – and that this is one of the few ways that I am currently able to allow that Higher Dimensional assistance right now.
Profoundly Encouraging
As I take notes later on Monday evening, deep gratitude fills my heart for what turned out to be a beautiful ceremony. But even in the peace, intense pain continues to release and flow through me in ways impossible to describe with rational mind. I just know what is happening.
Gradually – ever so slowly – I am finding new levels of self-love, allowing slivers of Higher assistance, not attaching to or identifying with the emotional pains that come up, not judging them as wrong, not making them “ME” in any way.
Given what I have been through in the last twelve months, this progress is profoundly encouraging.
Reflections In The Mirror
After a delightful late Monday evening and Tuesday morning visiting with an old friend (my friend Annetka that I first met in Valladolid in January 2010 while nursing my third-degree burn back to health), I find myself, late Tuesday night, standing in front of a mirror in my bathroom, remembering the final scenes of the movie “Another Earth.” It seems that another layer of old emotion is attempting to consume me, trying to pull me into the depths of that putrid Pandora’s Box of past projections.
With tears streaming down my cheeks, I lovingly stare into my own watery-but-glowing eyes, gently lecturing my reflection as if she were a dear friend from a parallel planet, telling that “me-in-the-mirror” about what an amazing person she is … reminding her of her purity and innocence … of her unquestioned integrity … and of the magical things that she is doing.
“There is absolutely no physical evidence to back up the emotions that are trying to pull you back into that God-Drama loop all over again,” I lovingly remind this reflection of me. “Everything you are feeling has no basis in present-day reality … it is just old stuff flowing through you.”
“In fact, the evidence overwhelmingly reflects the opposite,” I continue. “You have beautiful friends … and you are on the magical adventure of a lifetime, being guided repeatedly by profound intuitions and dreams, and growing in ways you never even imagined possible. You love, and are loved, in profound ways, and you DO fit in. The proof is everywhere.”
It is a magical conversation, a beautiful pep talk that is received by the heart. But nonetheless, I go to bed feeling emotionally drained and physically exhausted.
An Inside Job
Wednesday, I again return to Keith’s porch. As I meditate while listening to the magical inner work of others, a deep swelling in my abdomen again consumes me. Simultaneously, an overwhelming realization devours my strength – a realization that I continue to harbor intense and deeply suppressed hatred and anger at my own young child-self.
As the insights flood like a raging river, I allow myself to cry and whimper – giving myself permission to feel this overwhelming putrid emotion – trying not to get lost in it – trying not to disturb others while steady tears flow nonstop throughout the ceremony.
I know Keith is watching my back … I absolutely know his guidance is telling him that I am fine … and I clearly understand that this is a process that no one can do for me. But as the ceremony ends, I note that I received no external help or feedback from Keith, none whatsoever. Ego deeply resents this lack, but the truth in me knows that Keith was paying attention, and that it is my own energy that is still playing the God Drama games.
Hoping for some personal help, and a real one-on-one discussion, I ask Keith if I can schedule a private session with him.
“I don’t have my schedule notebook with me right now,” Keith responds, “but I am sure we can make something happen.”
I can only giggle with frustration as I walk home. Once again, I have manifested a situation where I am strong and alone, and where desired help is not available – yet I clearly know that this is how it must be in the external world. By now, it is obvious to me that the reality I am manifesting is showing me what is actually happening inside of me.
This is an inside job – one in which I continue to refuse the inner connection to God/Goddess, all that is – a connection that is just waiting to give me unlimited guidance and personal assistance – a connection that no one on the outside can give to me.
I have little confidence that my private session will materialize soon … or that it will give me the inner connection that I desire. And I am profoundly aware that Keith’s time is stretched extremely thin right now, in many different directions.
There is no doubt that this sense of abandonment is an inside job, one that is quite painful. I recognize it as one of the simple hooks leading into my God Drama.
As I prepare dinner, I feel hammered, simmering in a deep energy hangover, feeling rebellious. It is one of those eff-you, poor-me victim moods. I know that what I am feeling is an inner lie – but at this moment, the lie is so powerful that I succumb to it, simply watching a movie and going to bed.
A Confused State
The emotion is so intense and overwhelming that I cannot function … I cannot focus … and I find it extremely difficult to sleep.
Thursday morning, I wake up with what can only be described as an “emotional hangover.” I have an intense headache as overwhelming pressurized emotional energy continues to clog my brain. God-drama projections rage through me, and I know better than to allow them any external expression.
Instead, I start the day early with a movie – a day that turns into one fun movie after another. By evening, I am in a confused state. It is a state of feeling quite good with positive energy, while simultaneously feeling extremely unmotivated and rebellious.
Friday begins in a similar state of duality. I feel much better, but continue to experience an overwhelming lack of motivation – continuing to feel a very heavy “on-edge” energy that is stuck inside.
After a couple of early morning “hide from the world in my apartment” movies, I hesitatingly walk out to Keith’s porch, not quite sure if I really want to attempt yet-another chocolate ceremony. I am standing at the border of that putrid terrifying traumatizing trigger emotion – on the edge of the emotional quicksand that has choked me so profoundly for several months. In no way do I want to move forward. I want to turn around and run away as fast as I can.
Suicidal Sucking
Midway through this Friday afternoon, December 7 chocolate ceremony, I am already losing it. Tears are streaming and I am struggling with angry (but unexpressed) God-Drama projections onto Keith for seemingly continuing to ignore me.
“I finally have a private session scheduled,” I mumble silently,” but it is not until the middle of next week. I will have been back here for ten days before he finally has the time to even have a personal conversation with me, blah, blah, blah, pity party, poor me, etc, ad infinitum …”
I am struggling and feeling deeply ignored, lost in that reservoir of hopelessness and despair that is all too familiar. In the midst of this frustration, I seriously consider just walking away, leaving early, giving up, and leaving San Marcos.
“I deserve a teacher who will help me find my way through these dark pity-party places,” I mumble in absolute silence. “I can’t do this by myself. I need outside guidance.”
By the time Keith works around the circle, eventually turning to talk to me, I am an absolute emotional wreck. I briefly explain my last four months of intense agonizing cycling through suicidal swamps, observing myself, pulling myself back up, understanding what I am doing, but feeling confused and helpless by how powerful that quicksand is – by the intensity of how I can be repeatedly sucked down by this emotion into the depths of self-loathing, self-hatred, suicidal feelings, and hopelessness.
“I thought this was teenage stuff,” I exclaim to Keith with a flash of terrorized insight, “but intuitions are now clearly telling me that the origin is actually very young … probably stemming from some unknown trauma before age five.”
Giggles And Playfulness
When I mention the agony in my abdomen, a new person asks if she can place her hand on my belly.
“I want this kind of help,” I tell both her and Keith. “At this point, I am so lost that I will accept assistance from any source, whether it might be fixing or not.”
“Actually, you won’t accept it,” Keith startles me with his frank assessment.
“Yeah,” I respond, “I guess I say I want the help, but this part of me will still not allow it in.”
I clearly recognize what Keith is trying to tell me – again gently reminding me of my God Drama, of how I can give lip service to wanting help, but I still will not allow it in. I own that this is what I am doing at some unconscious level – and still resent it, feeling humiliated when Keith tries to get me to admit that I am doing it at the conscious level.
Keith then guides me to connect with the Higher Essence of a four or five-year-old granddaughter, telling me that her energy is in front of me, and that she wants to help.
As I focus, I can feel this beautiful soul’s giggles and playfulness, wanting to play and love me. In fact, she is not the least bit intimidated by my struggles. As a little slight giggle and lightness comes into my heart, the shaking in my abdomen immediately intensifies.
“A lot of her has now joined you in your heart,” Keith reassures me.
I clearly recognize that the increased trauma in my third chakra is overwhelming fear and panic at allowing outside energies to assist, even if it is my own innocent granddaughter.
An Energy Of Compassion
Soon, Keith asks others to provide me with feedback regarding what they are feeling. I am surprised when much of the feedback, especially from new people, is at the rational mind level, telling me what they see as being wrong with my energy, how they sense the victimization etc…
With a giggle in my heart, I allow them to have their truth. They clearly sense the energies inside of me, but they have no clue as to WHY that energy is so stuck and embedded – as to WHY my still-unresolved God Drama continues to hold me in its clutches.
I truly am in a place (at least right now) where I can graciously allow everyone to have their truth without trying to defend and explain myself – allowing them to be where they are at while still loving myself.
“Thanks,” I respond humbly. “Everything I have heard is accurate and spot-on with what I am experiencing energetically on the inside.”
I bite my tongue and skillfully resist the urge to add that “recognizing energetically what is going on inside of someone else is only the first step. To truly be a healer you need to have compassion for where someone else is at and realize that they are there for a reason. The goal is not to point out and fix the errant energy, but to instead compassionately facilitate their inner work behind the blockages and manifestation of that energy, allowing them to be where they are at without judgment or make-wrong.”
“I feel my granddaughter’s energy helping me,” I soon confidently share with Keith. “I feel an actual energy of compassion coming from her, helping me to receive Higher Love in a safe manner that I will allow – at least a little bit.”
A Transparency Trial
After Keith moves on, a couple of people come over to “help” me, placing hands here and there, hugging me etc. I sense deep “poor you” fixing energy coming from them … an energy of “something is wrong with you and I am here to help and rescue you from your pain.”
But at the same time I sense their genuine desire to share love, even though they clearly do not understanding the dynamics of fixing versus holding an empowered space.
Rather than reject the offered love, I choose to try something new, I allow their energy into my space, and I use it as a trial run. I imagine myself being transparent to their energy, allowing the unconditional portions of their love to come through into my heart, while not letting any of the conditional energies stick to me in any way, instead asking my guides to take that part to transmutation.
In the process, I clearly recognize that my mother, even in her intense well-intended fixing, was only trying to love me into being a devout follower of her beliefs. I understand that behind the conditional/controlling pieces of that mothering, there was also abundant unconditional love to be received from her.
“How are you doing?” Keith eventually checks in with me.
“I feel a lot of peace in my upper chakras,” I respond with a smile, “but my abdomen is totally shaking with intense fear and panic energies.”
“That is not wrong,” Keith responds. “In fact, it is a very good place to be. You are letting in more love, and this part of you is absolutely terrified of more love.”
Love Equals Betrayal
“Dig into the child’s experience,” Keith again guides me later in the ceremony, asking a few hinting questions.
As I ponder, attempting to search for clues into why this pure innocent child inside of me would be so terrified of love, I only get tidbits of insight.
“I am terrified of love,” I eventually share when Keith glances in my direction, “because from the earliest of ages, and throughout my life, almost all love that I have allowed myself to receive seems to eventually lead to rejection and or betrayal of my true heart … of my true self … causing heartache … causing me to take in more agonizing and painful emotional garbage.”
“For me, I have love deeply hooked with feeling betrayed.”
Tears begin to stream down my cheeks as these words leave my lips.
Return To Peace
Keith again moves on to work with others while I focus on the shaking in my abdomen. I do not judge the intense pains. Instead, I drink some water, and lovingly imagine every sharp pain as a deep wound that is now surfacing. I imagine that each surfacing pain is leaving my abdomen, going off to my trusted Bobby-bear.
To my delight, this process actually works. Keith has often taught the divine principle of “Fake it till you make it” – and it works, successfully bypassing the rational mind even when huge doubts are present.
Within a half hour, my abdomen is nearly pain free, and what few tiny pains remain are new ones that have only manifested in the last minute or so. The rest have surfaced, released, and left my energy field for transmutation.
I love how I feel. A new hope is blooming inside – hope that maybe I can soon transfer to the easy bus.
Budding Renewed Insights
But as Keith works with a nearby friend, my peaceful energy proves to be short-lived. Suddenly the sharp abdominal pains return with a vengeance. Quickly, as a flash of insight floods my awareness, I glance up to make eye contact with Keith.
“Is what I now am feeling in my abdomen coming from her?” I ask with delightful-but-painful shock. “Am I reading her energy now? My heart is open, but the pain is intense, and it started happening right before she told you that she was suddenly hurting in her abdomen.”
“Yes,” Keith quickly confirms my intuition.
“Is this what I have been doing the whole ceremony?” I ask for more answers.
“No,” Keith shares guidance coming through him, “I’m getting that most of what you dealt with earlier was your own, probably triggered through the shared energetic issues of others, but you are now reading her pain.”
“Wow,” I respond, “This makes a great deal of sense. I have been doing this my whole life, unknowingly reading the pain of others, having that trigger my own similar pain, and believing it was all mine … believing myself to be a hopeless loser … feeling angry and betrayed by all of the pain.”
Flash To The Past
I sit with this beautiful realization until the end of this magical Friday afternoon ceremony. With new insights, the pain in my abdomen again quickly fades.
As I quietly meditate into the horrifying agony of being a tiny child who is feeling and inhaling the emotional pain of everyone around me, I suddenly receive a strong intuitive, nearly-visual image of little Sharon. She is my precious inner child – back in her cage in my abdomen, just as I first discovered her almost exactly two years ago during some of my earliest inner work with Keith (details in blog titled “Sharonski” dated Dec 10, 2010).
I find the timing to be magical, and I have long since ceased to question why I continue to bounce around in time with my inner children. At times, I have connected with healed and older versions of these precious and very real masculine and feminine energies that I have named Bobby and Sharon. I am following the flow – a flow where I first found an imprisoned little girl in my abdomen.
Today, the flow has me discovering an angry and rebellious Sharon, back in her cage. I clearly recognize that the little girl to whom I am now connected is slightly younger than the three-year-old I first came to know – a little girl who sees me as her oppressor – as a fixing adult who does not have the slightest understanding of her true pain. She is in that cage, not because I have imprisoned her, but because she is attempting to hide and protect herself from me.
“My job is to connect with her,” I remind myself, “to earn her loving trust, to compassionately find out what she needs from me, and to allow her to be my teacher and guide.”
In this final hour, I do not make much headway in the connecting department. But I do clearly understand that there is indeed extremely deep childhood pain from prior to age three. It is pain that caused little Sharon to experience overwhelming feelings of anger and betrayal – profound God Drama pain.
“Now is the time to trust a new flow that will perhaps bring understanding as to the nature of that trauma, whatever it may be,” I ponder in silence.
Rebellion And Fear
Friday, after the ceremony, I have no chance to discuss these new insights with Keith. An old friend suddenly walks up onto the porch, and the conversation quickly turns to catching up and giggles by all, including me.
I feel so much lighter tonight; so much more hope that my path is effortlessly taking me into productive and new healing discoveries.
But I am still partially in that painful loop, at least to a tiny degree. Frustrated feelings of abandonment and rebellion continue to instill questions and doubts into my journey.
I have a free Saturday tomorrow, one that I would normally use as an opportunity to write – but after nearly four months of not writing – four months of looping into and out of agonizing suicidal swamps – I do not have the slightest desire to write. In fact, I still feel somewhat embarrassed by my struggles of the last few months, so much so that I cannot imagine that anyone would ever want to read about it, especially me.
I have not yet reached the point where I will again remember that I am not writing for the benefit or approval of anyone else – that I am writing for my own healing and integration.
So for now, that writing will have to wait, being replaced by another day of movies. My angry and rebellious journey with a betrayed little girl named Sharon yet remains too raw, too intense, and too confusing.
Perhaps tomorrow’s Sunday afternoon ceremony may shed new light. I am eager to move forward, but hidden fears swirl in the depths below. I feel as if I am back at that impassable switchback, staring at a narrow and treacherous ledge, frightened by the prospect of continuing any further down that ominous cliff below, believing that to do so is worse than death.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved