Brenda's Bicycles

Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “Magical Joyful Giggles.”

Late Tuesday evening, after finishing a long day of writing, my left arm begins to ache in a very unusual way. It is a sharp pain, emanating from deep inside the muscle, in the center of my arm, just between the shoulder and elbow, perhaps a third of the way down. On the surface, the pain reminds me of a pinched nerve, but this makes no sense. I have not done any stretching or incurred any trauma, and there are no bruises or marks of any kind on the surface.

I first ignore the pain, but as I go to bed, sharp painful jabs sting me each time I move or shift the position of my arm.

As I meditate into the pain, getting to know it, asking what it needs from me, I note that I have a very rapid heart beat and a feeling of panic just below the surface. After a few minutes, intuitive guidance floods my mind.

“This is deferred heart pain,” the inner whispers confirm.

But repeated checks with my intuition tell me that this is NOT a physical problem with my heart … that the pain is metaphorical. It is an ache on the feminine (left) side, telling me that my feminine heart is in panic.

“This is related to having love hooked to betrayal, pain, and eating the emotional garbage of others,” I ponder further intuitions. “And it is related to what I just finished writing about when I further explored that sharp pain in the nail-in-my-heart spot. This part of me is still terrified to further open my heart.”

Maybe the severity of this pain is telling me that I am about to make a breakthrough in this area?

Evelyn’s Baskets

Early Wednesday morning, January 23, 2013, I crawl out of bed at 5:45 a.m. as I prepare for a quick trip of errands to Panajachel. To my dismay, the pain in my arm is as excruciating as ever.

In addition to banking and grocery shopping, I have another fun experience planned. In April 2010, while studying Spanish in Xela, I had made two new friends – an older couple from the United States. They had started a small nonprofit organization, in the name of their granddaughter – one to assist Guatemalan babies born with cleft lips and/or palates (www.evelynsbaskets.org). They try to come to Guatemala at least once per year to personally meet and work with many of the families they are helping.

After disembarking from my boat in Panajachel, I meet my friends for breakfast at 8:00 a.m., and then enjoy what turns out to be a delightful reconnecting visit. It is our first since studying Spanish together more than two and a half years ago. Wow, how time flies!

As I later rush back to San Marcos on the 10:30 a.m. boat, I am quite surprised to notice that the pain in my arm has completely vanished. After briefly unpacking newly purchased groceries and catching my breath, I find myself right back on Keith’s magical porch for a Wednesday afternoon public chocolate ceremony.

A Humorous Stage Play

As I drink my chocolate and wait for things to begin, my heart feels open, and a great deal of happy energy dances in my spine.

Just after Keith begins his normal introductory speech, a woman spills her cup of chocolate on the rug in the center of the porch. I fill with surprised giggles as I observe Keith do something I have never before seen him do. He runs into his house and grabs a mini shop-vac while another friend grabs some hot water off the stove, and they spend the next twenty to thirty minutes in a big disruption as they clean the carpet, talking about how the chocolate stains the carpet, etc…

I can only giggle as I watch the commotion. I absolutely know it is magically created for my consumption, and that I somehow manifest it as part of my process.

I immediately return to a metaphor that frequently came up last year – one of feeling as if my mother’s energy was a squirt bottle following me around – and that if ever I stepped out of line or left something done improperly, she was right there to squirt me, to fix me, to make sure things got done correctly.

“In my childhood, no mess was ever allowed to go un-cleaned,” I ponder the humorous stage play unfolding in front of me. “In fact, anything out of the box was immediately corrected and put back on the straight and narrow path.”

Perfect Timing

As the porch returns to normal, a beautiful young woman arrives at the last minute. I have learned that everything happens for a reason, with perfect timing. I have never met or seen this young woman before today, but Keith already seems to know her. I will call her “Cathy.”

“You are here just in time,” I giggle at Cathy. “We just had a magical distraction to slow things down so that you could arrive before we start.”

When Keith finally resumes his introductory discussion, I find it extremely unusual. Not only is his speech very slow because of ongoing language translation, but Keith omits a lot of details and stories that he normally shares – discussions that I find to be very valuable, especially for new people. I am eager to see where these unusual events might lead. My “create my own reality” radar is on full alert.

During the “Glow Meditation,” Keith then surprises me by interrupting his own flow as he turns to speak to me.

“How are you feeling Brenda?” Keith asks.

“Very good,” I respond. “My heart is open, and I feel pains in my solar plexus. I think I am reading those. But I also feel pressure on my third-eye, and I believe that to be mine.”

Keith nods in agreement.

“Are you ready to do some really deep work today?” Keith then asks me.

In the brief exchange that follows, Keith hints that I am going to have a great experience today.

Undeniable Blockages

As individual work begins, Keith first focuses on a woman across from me. She is involved in deep emotional release, and four of us are helping as empaths. As we assist her in releasing deep waves of repressed emotion, I clearly see that she herself is a magical empath, filled with the emotional pain of others. I experience powerful tingles in my hands as I help.

To my surprise, about half way through this process, my own heart starts to shrink and pinch. I back off slightly, again realizing that I am facing that same prominent fear of further opening my own heart. I begin to go inside, again journeying with this fear as being an aspect of self, visualizing it with the beautiful face of a loving friend. Intuitions clearly tell me that this energy continues to cower in fright, fearing that what I am doing will reopen past wounds of deep betrayal and pain – wounds brought to my attention just last night via the metaphor of deferred heart pain in my left arm.

In the middle of my own resumed journey with inner fear, Keith begins to work with Cathy.

I want to point out that I have Cathy’s permission to talk about the general details of this process – a process that for me (and others) is profoundly powerful.

It turns out that Cathy has a serious brain tumor on the right side of her brain – one that is killing her – one that visibly manifests in a physical way with her right eye. Her own energetic blockages are getting her attention in an undeniable way.

Alohomora

Keith soon begins to guide Cathy, asking her to follow a flight of inner stairs, descending into her subconscious mind. Once she is there, she walks down a hall until finding a doorway with a sign that reads “Heart Chakra.”

Feeling deeply inspired in my own way, I follow along. As Cathy finds her door, one covered in old cobwebs, I find my own door – a door with heavy chains and locks strewn all over it. While I am not normally a visual meditator, this image is quite clear in my senses.

Recognizing that I, by myself, cannot possibly remove these protective obstacles, I first call in my “Fab Four” – little Bobby, Sharon, Yoda, and mini-Galdalf. As I visualize my inner magic playing with those chains and locks, I suddenly imagine Hermione from the Harry Potter books and movies. She is slightly in her rational mind, but is extremely magical when it comes to opening doors and locks. With a quick wave of her metaphorical wand, Hermione speaks her lock-opening spell, “Alohomora,” and the locks and chains fall to the ground.

This may sound quite silly to someone not familiar with the use of metaphors in this context, but in my heart, I profoundly know that this is a very real communication with my subconscious mind.

Rather Die Than Heal

With my locks and chains vanished, I know better than to go barging through that door. A great deal of fear yet remains. Decades ago, that door was sealed off for a very good reason.

Thoughts of turning the doorknob and pushing seem to create inner panic; so instead, I imagine a tiny window at shoulder level. Intense fear will only allow me to visualize the window as being quite small. It is open just a tiny crack, allowing a faint flow of energy to pass.

As I listen to outside events on the porch, Cathy easily moves through her cobweb-covered door and makes great progress in opening her heart and connecting to her third-eye chakra, bringing in huge amounts of light in a magical pillar of light meditation.

But in the midst of my baby steps in my own piggy-back process, my head is distracting me with chatter and doubt, trying to stop me. I simply observe these distractions, vowing to myself that I will ignore them as I gently proceed in my own journey. Yet my heart is still terrified.

While continuing to face my own fears, I hear Keith tell Cathy that she is energetically asking him to be spot-on honest with her. Keith then gets very blunt.

“You are killing yourself with this tumor,” Keith tells her. “You have so much energy that is not allowed to be used in a healthy way, that it is killing you to get your attention.”

Cathy is now glowing with energy, and Keith tells her that she had this energy as a child, but was made wrong and shut down because of it. He tells her that she needs to share this incredible gift in some way, even with the lake, until she learns to clean up the inner distortions that are killing her.

I deeply resonate with everything Keith shares – resonating in my own personal way, realizing that in less visible, less dramatic ways, my own trapped, stuck, dense energies are slowly killing me too. My heart remains somewhat energetically trapped, and the “deferred heart pain” from last night now seems profoundly pertinent. Many life-force energies are yet restricted and hidden behind closed doors. And the absence of flowing Source energy is slowly killing me in physical ways.

I ponder a famous quote, one that I think came from Carl Jung, one stating that most people would rather die than look at what is inside of them.

A Magical Theme Park

Eventually, Keith turns to briefly work with me. As I fill him in on my unique parallel journey, tears lightly stream down my cheeks.

Keith beautifully validates what I am doing, telling me that I am spot-on in my own journey. Then, out of thin air, Keith pulls an old memory out of his magic hat.

“Brenda,” Keith surprises me, “it was not quite two years ago. You will know exactly what I mean when I say just two words …. Theme Park.”

“Yeah,” I giggle in deep recognition, “my magical theme park, just waiting for me. But the power is turned off, the fuses are blown, and all energy sources shut down.”

“I have brought a little power in recently,” I continue sharing. “I have felt a lot of love in the last few weeks. But I think this newly bubbling power is adding to the backlash of fear that is causing me to shut it back down.”

“Wow,” I ponder silently as I return to meditation. “Keith’s memory is impeccable. I’m sure his guidance is helping him, but it really has been just a tiny bit less than two years when that metaphor first surfaced in profound ways.”

(See blog, “A Magical Theme Park,” published April 27, 2011.)

I giggle inside as I remind myself how this profound metaphor first surfaced in deep and magical meditation, just 23 months ago.

“I do have so much magic inside,” I ponder. “There really is an entire theme park of magical experiences just waiting for me to finally turn on the power and to play. And I really feel as if I am so close to engaging that power switch in the “ON” position.”

Laughing At The Craziness

Keith begins to work with a woman I will call “Sally.” At first, I remain in my own meditation. I am not paying a great deal of attention, but I do overhear bits and pieces. Sally is totally stuck in her rational mind, and has a surface-level intellectual response to everything. She refuses to listen to Keith’s guidance – to go inside and connect to her actual feelings – and instead wants to debate and talk about everything in her head, completely in denial about her repressed feelings.

“Brenda,” Keith suddenly interrupts and turns to me. “Where are you feeling it?”

Immediately, I drop what I am doing and pay attention to my body. I note that my heart is rapidly thumping, and share that my high heart is shut and pulsing rapidly. Another woman confirms that she is feeling the same throbbing high heart sensation in her body.

When Keith asks someone else how it makes her feel, she responds that it makes her want to laugh at the craziness. Immediately, I go inside to see if laughing might trigger something repressed in me. I barely need to imagine a laugh before three quick-but-intense layers of emotional release find their way to the surface. Each lasts several seconds, with perhaps twenty seconds of magical light separating them from the next. When I am done with this quick and unexpected inner-pressure-release, I feel much lighter, and begin to observe the craziness that unfolds in front of me.

The Final Act

“You are in a major airtight scam,” Keith bluntly-but-gently shares with Sally. “It is a self-built prison, with curtains that keep you from seeing what you are doing. You have an answer for everything, one that keeps you safe from the massive fear down inside you.”

I can tell that something powerful is unfolding, because Keith only talks this way when deeply guided.

Sally gets extremely defensive, and launches into talk, talk, talk, blah, blah, blah, nearly nonstop. She insists that Keith is in his own ego, that everyone has their own truth, that she has hers, he has his, and that his does not resonate with her. She rambles endlessly that we are all one, that this is an illusion, just spiritual philosophy, blah, blah, blah.

She seems to know all the buzzwords and catch phrases that cleverly intellectualize spiritual concepts, but that show no real understanding as to how to take those concepts deep inside on a personal journey.

Soon, another woman jumps in to validate Sally’s words, intensifying the conversation. Keith just smiles and allows the process as others suddenly jump in to share their opinions. Another young man jumps into the mix, trying to discuss what is happening on the porch from the level of “what is happening on the porch.” It is a beautiful mirror for me of the relationship rules – that it is NEVER about the other person – that it is NOT about what it appears to be about. It is so obvious to me that trying to talk about what is happening at this level is only digging the hole deeper, not solving anything, and just causing others to jump into the fray with their own counter opinions.

For about two hours, the craziness rages on – and Keith feeds into it, both by doing nothing to stop it, and at times actually participating. Most of the time, he just sits back with eyes closed, and a sly grin on his face.

I repeatedly resist deep urges to just stand up and run away. This experience is driving me crazy – extremely difficult to listen to – but I intuitively know inside that the finale will be too good to miss. I eagerly await the final act of this unfolding stage play. At times, I start to plug my ears, hoping to retreat from the craziness, but I quickly stop, realizing that others might see this as rude.

Victim, Perpetrator, And Rescuer

Somewhere in the middle of the conversational hurricane, Keith looks at me.

“This is really profound for me,” I giggle at him. “It is showing me why my heart is so shut down. This conversation is killing my heart … stabbing me. It is showing me how during childhood, my heart was disconnected by such rational conversation and debate, and by the endless banter of logic that drained away all of my strength.”

I clearly recognize that my job right now is to “Go to Glow” and to raise my resonance. A few minutes later, as I focus on my own vibrations, I note with a grin that Keith and a few others are also doing the same. While continuing to observe without engaging in the conversation, I simply glow inside.

“This really is what happened to you, Brenda,” Keith briefly interrupts his own meditation to share some guidance.

He then encourages me to pursue this line of thought, exploring how my magical heart felt stabbed repeatedly by the constant rational mind logic and talking.

Soon, as I revisit the inner victim, perpetrator, and rescuer energies, I realize that the “rescuer” (which should be a magical healer), is still a distorted energy, and continues to remind me of childhood struggles with my mother. Little Bobby and Sharon who have taken past turns playing victim and perpetrator with each other … well they are now giggling with each other in a happily healed state. But in their giggles, they are being driven crazy by the nonstop rational mind chatter on the porch – AND by the nonstop inner storytelling and head chatter that continue to frequently consume my inner reality.

Not What We Do

About two hours after the craziness began, the conversation slows down, and repeated pauses begin to manifest. I start to imagine that maybe the madness has finished. But invariably, within seconds, someone else jumps into the fray with more “valuable healing suggestions,” just digging the hole deeper again.

“Please just disengage,” I lovingly ask one man who interrupted again after nearly a minute of silence.

I am in a very nice energy, and see no point in certain people continuing their attempts to reengage the drama with logic and continued debate.

Finally, I giggle with a sigh of relief when Keith opens his eyes and smiles.

“This is not what we do here,” Keith interrupts and speaks to Sally, and to the other new people.

“What exactly do you do here then?” Sally responds with a look of confusion and surprise.

“You would find out if you stopped talking and started observing and listening,” I respond with a blunt-but-loving energy.

Deep Shutdown Insights

Sally quickly makes a general comment, belittling people who want to dig into the past and to cry over old stuff. I giggle inside because I know she is likely referring to some of the work I have quietly done earlier. I have so much self-love right now that I am completely transparent to what I perceive as her attempted left hook. In a round about way, Sally implies that this type of emotional work is “victim crap.”

“Wow,” I ponder with ever-increasing clarity. “This is EXACTLY what happened to me throughout childhood. My family and others did not understand reality as I knew it to be, and I was subtly ridiculed, criticized, and shut down for not being properly rooted in my rational mind.”

“No wonder my heart is shut down,” I ponder with marvel as a few tears of joyful recognition stream down my cheek. “The people I loved the most made me wrong for feeling my emotions, using logic to shame me out of them.”

A Surprising Twist

Meanwhile, Keith makes a genuine attempt to explain to Sally the type of emotional work we do here on his porch. She responds by insisting that she has healed all of these things, even though she admits that she continues to manifest situations that repeatedly bring them up in her life.

Again we hit a conversational dead-end as several people repeatedly try to engage her in reason, trying to help her “get it.” Sally again launches into a long story. I breathe a sigh of relief when Keith finally cuts her off.

Keith quickly explains to Sally and all the other new people just how bizarre the ceremony is today, telling them again that this is not what we do here. He then asks me to confirm what he is saying.

“In two and a half years,” I giggle, “I have never seen a ceremony even remotely similar to this crazy one today.”

Keith then points out that he has followed guidance today, allowing what has happened because it has beautifully served about two-thirds of the group. Most everyone (including me) looks up and nods in ecstatic giggling agreement. But what Keith says next catches me, and others, completely off guard.

“I primarily did this today because Cathy needed it to happen,” Keith announces.

A Magical Finale

“Take everything that has happened, condense it down into a tiny area, and stuff it into your head,” Keith then speaks directly to Cathy (the woman with the brain tumor). “This is what is killing you.”

As I ponder how crazy, rational-mind domination has caused the right side of Cathy’s brain to revolt with a tumor, I am blown away by how I personally resonate with the magical finale of this process. I now clearly understand, at a deeply experiential level, how every logical argument today felt like my heart was literally being stabbed.

I want to emphasize here that the rational mind is not, in and of itself bad or wrong. When used as a partner with the heart, the rational mind is an extremely useful and necessary partner and valuable tool. But when used without the heart, it is capable of great destructive force.

“My magical connection was methodically destroyed by a head-without-a-heart world.” I ponder ever deeper. “No wonder this experience today was so crazy-making.”

And as I continue to ponder, it is quite obvious that inner, logical voices continue to do the same thing, keeping a painful wall around my magical heart – an energetic wall that is quite literally killing me.

“This part of me is playing out patterns of family and cultural intellectual debate,” I take the insight deeper. “This debate is causing Bobby and Sharon to cringe and retreat with their ears plugged. They cannot stand to be around my distorted head chatter – my inner storyteller.”

Life-Altering Insight

I giggle as I walk home like a snail. I pause repeatedly to take in the beauty of everything around me, doing so for the first time in a long while. I bask in the glory of sunset-lit clouds glowing over the San Pedro Volcano. I pay attention to those clouds – first observing a cartoon-like dog, one that causes me to giggle as I remember that, for me, dogs are a metaphor of feminine self-love. A minute later, I see a cloud that reminds me of an African Lion with a huge mane – a metaphor that resonates of a powerful, healed masculine energy.

I stand in tears as I watch the magical clouds. Inside, I giggle as I feel the wonder of a child who is, at least for now, free of the head chatter. Finally, I move my feet and continue my homeward journey.

“Wow,” I continue pondering as I step through my patio door. “I still destroy my magical wonder with unbridled head logic and nonstop mental distraction. Today was a profound and powerful stage play for me. I sure hope this insight and understanding lasts.”

Later, while still basking in this magical glow, I send a quick email to Keith. Following are the words:

“Wow, thanks for a bizarre but amazingly magical ceremony. I gleaned so much insight into so many things. This could very likely be life changing for me … and possibly even life saving. It is amazing to realize how toxic this inner storytelling and rational mind banter can be to my heart … how it repeatedly keeps me locked away in my own inner prison, stabbing me to keep me shut down etc…”

The Eighth Chakra

Thursday morning, as I wake up, the idea of “rational mind being the enemy” is on my mind after having had a crazy dream involving masculine spies and espionage. It is only after a little pillow meditation that I bring myself back to the balanced realization that rational mind is actually a very important partner and tool, and that it is only destructive when not in balanced partnership with the heart / feminine / intuitive mind.

I cannot say how many times I have heard Keith emphasize that his teachers never put down the rational mind, repeatedly saying that it is just not the tool for doing this type of spiritual work.

Every day I seem to wake up with more joyful desire … with more inner giggles and peace. I carry this energy with me as I leave early for the ceremony, walking slow, stopping and meditating, here and there, along the way, taking in the Spring-like warm morning air, gazing at the “gorgeous volcano vistas” that I so often take for granted.

Just less than twenty people fill the porch when Keith begins the “Glow Meditation.” But to my surprise, he suddenly shifts and announces that he is going to do a different meditation today – one involving the eighth chakra.

Keith explains that this chakra sits a short distance above our head, and is about the size of a basketball.

With our eyes closed, Keith guides us to walk up to our crown at the top of our head, to then locate a rainbow arch, and to walk across it. When we get to the other side, we are in our eighth chakra. There is a temple of light there. It is a place of higher vibration – one that we can access when we raise our own vibration. And in this place, our Higher Being friends (including guides, Higher Self, etc…) are able to lower their vibrations just enough to meet us.

Keith tells us that when we get to the eighth chakra, we will find a temple where all of our Higher Friends will be. He suggests that we go inside, and explains that each of us will have our own unique experience based on where we are at in our journey. Some might be too afraid to go in, and perhaps some will find a room full of magical friends – a room filled with more support than we can possibly imagine.

Circle Of Friends

As I feel myself walking across a rainbow, arriving at my temple, I visualize a pyramid shaped structure, new, white, and surrounded by beautiful architecture. But I cannot seem to find the courage or the ability to walk inside.

At this point, Keith begins to coach a friend, one who is capable of connecting to and moving massive amounts of light. This friend is also unable to enter the temple, and is standing at the entrance with great fear.

Keith has often explained his understanding that “light” is Source energy experienced as energy, and that “love” is Source energy experienced emotionally. He explains to my friend that some people find it easy to connect to “light” but then find it terrifying to connect with “love.” On the flip side, some find it safe and easy to feel “love,” but are unable to connect with the “light.”

Keith then explains to my magical friend that he has deep fear in connecting to the loving personal connection that he will find inside of the temple.

As I listen to this process, I begin to understand that I am somewhat the opposite. I can connect to dear friends and a few trusted unconditionally loving people here and there, but the idea of connecting to Higher Energies frightens me, mostly because it feels abstract, as if it is outside “light” energy that I do not trust.

Immediately, I remember another experience from almost two years ago, one documented in a blog, “Circle Of Friends,” published June 23, 2011. In that experience, Keith had guided me to a room – one filled with Higher Dimensional friends. But I was so fearful that I could not enter that room, barely being able to imagine myself sticking my arm through the door.

Feeling Higher Love

As I stand outside of this eighth-chakra temple, I realize that my fear might be soothed if I imagine a personal loving connection with a Higher Being, rather than an energetic one. Soon, I imagine that one of these beings stands in front of me, and I simply stare into his eyes as I have now done a few times with Steven. I quickly imagine that this being is the Higher Self of one of my dearest friends. Wow, I suddenly get a brief rush of profoundly joyful loving energy flowing through me.

Fear causes me to lose concentration, and the energy fades. Repeatedly I again do the same, occasionally changing to the Higher Self of another friend. Each time I do this, I feel a deep loving rush of energy in my heart. Each time, I tear up and shake with muffled sobs.

The love I experience is joyful and magical, but also somewhat frightening … triggering deep emotional tears at the same time. They are confusing tears … simultaneous tears of joy and sadness.

Soon, I exhaust my list of precious female friends, and I begin to imagine connecting to the Higher Selves of a few of my male friends in the same emotionally intimate way. Immediately, the level intensifies as I experience deep emotional love from masculine support – revisiting a pain-filled yearning to be held by the Divine masculine in a healed and healthy way.

After experiencing this emotion with several male friends, I then try doing it with a friendship that had ended in perceived betrayal. Ouch … I am able to partially connect to her Higher-Self energy … but deep pain also surfaces. After feeling this healing connection for a few minutes, I then continue this magical journey with children, grandchildren, and a large group of extended friends.

The experience is profoundly magical, deeply emotional, and infinitely healing to my heart. I remain in this meditation for what feels like hours. At one point, the ceremony temporarily shifts to rational mind talk, giving me a beautiful opportunity to practice remaining connected to this love while the mind tries to distract.

Giggling Awareness

Later, I shift meditations when Keith guides a new one in which we connect to the minor chakras beneath our feet. I begin this meditation feeling quite distracted, but am eventually able to silence the chatter enough to establish a small feeling of energy flow in my legs.

I crave such meditative states, and begin to struggle here and there, as others in the group begin to pull the energy back to a rational-mind level. My consciousness longs to remain in this deep heart energy, and I gain a great new perspective as I repeatedly observe my feelings while head distractions come and go.

For the remainder of the ceremony, I focus on remaining in my heart as much as possible, while energetically holding space for a few others who go deep into their own emotional journeys. I use this time to validate my magical journey … to feel energy in my hands … and to practice feeling little pains that come and go in my body, as I intuitively know that I am again reading emotional pains of others.

Finally, at around 4:30 p.m., the ceremony dissolves into a burst of distraction and chatter in which people begin to tell stories and give advice to each other. I again ponder why I am manifesting this so much recently … and the answer is quite obvious. It is because I am learning to maintain a High Vibration in such environments, and I need a place to practice.

At this point, I am smiling with the distraction. I giggle as I realize that I got exactly what I came for today, and it does not matter in the least that the ceremony is ending early. In fact, I am happy to have the extra time for myself.

Raining New Life

As I walk home, I am delighted by an unusual January rain. Precipitation is quite rare during the dry season. It has been sprinkling off and on during the afternoon, and I have no umbrella as I step out onto the street. Rather than hurrying home to get out the rain, I cut my normal walking speed in half, tilt my head back, and stare into the sky so as to maximize the droplets that hit my face.

I giggle all the way home. I love the rain … I love San Marcos … and I love everything about my process right now.

The unusual rains continue, at times quite heavy, throughout most of the night. There is a slight break on Friday morning, but then the rains again continue to bless my process during the Friday afternoon ceremony as well.

The twenty-six people on Keith’s porch hold a beautiful energy right from the beginning. It is a magical group of heart-connected people, all of whom are present to do real work with the energies.

Without any guidance, I immediately go inside during the “Glow Meditation” and re-connect to my temple in that eighth chakra. It takes me a while, but I eventually am able to return to the same deep loving state that I experienced yesterday.

I clearly understand that this unusual rain has magical metaphorical properties. Water is symbolic of emotion, and rain, to me, is connected to letting that emotion flow, as healing tears that nourish new life. Tears do indeed fill the corners of my eyes as I feel this new love expanding in my heart.

But what I experience right now is only the forerunner to what is about to follow.

Resonating With Others

After deep emotional release from several people, Keith focuses the group energy on a new woman, one that I will call “Lisa.” When I begin to hold space for her, I feel an immediate and very deep connection to her process.

Lisa is deeply stuck in her head, and in her density – yet it is obvious to all on the porch that she is a massively powerful empath. Keith quickly points out to Lisa that she is strongly in the middle of her God drama. I resonate with exactly where she is, and in this process of connecting, my sense of loving compassion comes alive. A magical high vibration of self-love now flows through me – one that I radiate mainly in Lisa’s direction. But I do not push. I just make it available as a butler, vibrating like a tuning fork to whomever might want to partake. As I share this heart energy, I vibrate even more magically on the inside.

Lisa’s process gives me a beautiful mirror of my own, bringing me ever deepening insights into what has been my process in the past (and in many ways still is).

Overflowing Gratitude

Soon, Keith conducts one of the most profound empath trainings that I have ever witnessed. Perhaps it is the lightning and thunder that set the energetic stage. It is a perfect energetic setup – a combination of the right people, a thunderstorm, and the fact that I myself am experiencing magical growth that opens me to new experiences and perceptions.

Regardless of the reason, this empath training is the perfect setup to take Lisa deeper in her process. When the training is over, Keith again returns to work with Lisa regarding the patterns of her God drama. I profoundly resonate with the struggles that Lisa expresses.

At an appropriate moment, I provide deeply emotional feedback regarding my own journey with God drama … sharing many details of my struggles and insights regarding my dance with betrayal.

“I finally had to humble myself and own that this is my game, what I am doing,” I share with deep emotion. “I finally let it go, and for the first time in two years on this porch I am allowing self-love to filter in willingly and magically.”

As I share my story, tears lightly trickle down my own cheeks, while another new friend across the porch sinks into deep emotional sobs. My heart melts with gratitude when I learn how my sharing has suddenly inspired her to connect with her own agonizing patterns of God drama in her life. She later tells me how deeply my story had helped her.

Overflowing gratitude surrounds the beautiful self-love radiating from my heart. As Lisa’s amazing process eventually concludes, she thanks everyone for how they have helped her.

“Your work has given me another profound mirror of my own journey, allowing me to reach another layer of my own growth.” I respond to Lisa’s words. “I want to thank you for what you have done for me.”

As has been the pattern lately, I walk home at a turtle pace, filled with so much love and gratitude that I just want to take in the wonder of everything around me.

White Bird Reminder

After a delightful Saturday writing “White Bird,” I come away with a new reminder that I have a magic metaphorical white bird in my heart – to assist me as an empath. This magic can help me to be more powerful, from a positive polarity, helping me to no longer eat and store the emotional densities of others in my own body.

Who would have thought that such new insights would manifest new growth so quickly? Of course, I should expect that by now.

Sunday afternoon, January 27, 2013, we return to a semblance of the crowds that filled the porch on the first Sunday of January. Thirty-eight people crowd the porch … but even in the midst of such a large group, I lovingly manifest my own little comfortable space.

I struggle at first to open my heart … to share energy with the group. A woman seated in a chair on the steps is crying profusely. Keith works with her briefly, and then asks if I will go help her. This is exactly what I need to open my heart.

Less Drama, More Light

As I begin to work with this woman (I will call her Jane), I have no idea what I will do, other than hold space, share energy, and follow intuition. It soon becomes obvious that Jane struggles with deeply repressed anger, and she is fighting to keep it in check, trying not to embarrass herself by expressing her anger publicly.

Gradually, with loving support, I encourage Jane to trust herself … and reassure her that it is OK on this porch to allow that anger to surface. To make a long story short, and to not share too many personal details of her process, I end up guiding her to express some of her anger via her throat chakra. Once she finds the courage, and I make sounds along with her, she gets quite dramatic in her painful, agonizing expression of repressed emotion. I trust her, and continue holding space for several minutes.

“Brenda,” Keith eventually speaks up from afar. “Help her to tone down the drama side a little.”

This is a profound lesson for me. I have seen and participated in countless such release processes on this porch – both as the one doing the screaming – and as the one helping someone else find their own power. In the past, such a trauma-drama hard-bus version was quite common. But I have noticed in the last few months that very few people are needing to do it this way anymore. In the increased energy of the porch, more and more people are more quickly jumping onto the easier bus, being able to release emotion with less physical expression, and being able to use the light to help in their process.

Facilitating Light

I guide Jane to find and bring in light, and to ask that it help her to transmute this anger now that she has been able to feel it.

As she does so, she immediately hits another layer of the emotion and again gets quite dramatic. I simply observe, holding space, trusting that she is doing what she needs to do.

Keith again guides me to help her to tone down the drama. For about twenty minutes, I coach her, over and over again, to bring in more light. With her permission, I place one hand on her belly and one on the back of her heart, sharing energy with her while she cycles through wave after wave of agonizing emotional release. She feels each wave to the core, often to the edge of bursting into more screams, but then brings in the light and soon returns to peace, only to cycle into another layer. It is actually quite fun to coach someone else into doing what is still quite new for me.

When I finally sense that Jane has reached a stable point where she can keep doing this by herself, I congratulate her, and return to my seat just a short distance away … but I never stop watching her ongoing process. Occasionally, I move over to whisper a bit more guidance in her ear.

Exhausting Options

As Keith later begins an empath training, I note that I am already starting to experience deep agony in my abdomen. My heart feels as if it is open, but it is also quite tentative and weak. I find myself confused, and the pain I am experiencing is now quite overwhelming.

“Keith,” I finally interrupt at an appropriate moment, “I am feeling intense pain, and am unsure of what I am doing … trying to figure out if I am reading or eating density.”

“I’m getting that you are not eating,” Keith responds confidently, “but that you are moving up to a new level of working with this, and things are a little rocky for you.”

For most of the remainder of the ceremony, intense agony consumes me. My abdomen churns as if it is filled with volatile, exploding gas. It is excruciatingly painful, like sharp knives poking me all over on the inside.

Through it all, I focus on love, never judging, successfully resisting all hooks that want to pull me into a pity-party loop. I am actually quite fascinated by what is happening to me … but WOW, does it ever hurt.

I am aware that Keith is remotely keeping tabs on me, because every once in a while he looks in my direction and I feel a sense of knowing in his eyes.

Finally, after exhausting everything I have done to help with this pain in the past, I just surrender to the fact that the light is not coming in – that something inside me is blocking the Higher Dimensional assistance that I need.

From Anger To Peace

With this new understanding, I invite this part of me (the part blocking the light) to join me in my inner conference room.

Almost immediately, doing nothing more than visualizing this inner meeting, my heart fills with pleasant tingling sensations, both in the front and the back. Along with the new energy is the intuitive recognition that I have several new layers of emotion that want to be released, but I also know that accessing such emotion is going to briefly trigger a few quick layers of intense tears.

We are bagging chocolate tonight, and it is time for me to run home to eat so I can return in time. As I note that Keith is extremely busy helping others, I decide to run home now, do my release in a private way, and then return to help with chocolate production.

Once in my bedroom, I go into a belly laugh, and almost immediately sink into a few seconds of agonizing dry energy heaving. Then I bring in beautiful light and the emotion vanishes. Over the next few minutes, I process several such layers, one of which triggers intense throat-chakra coughing. I giggle at how easy it now is to access huge layers of buried pain, and to then have each layer simply transmute and vanish into joy after I bring in the light and Higher Love. This fast and fun “easy bus” method of releasing layer after layer of old emotion sure beats the old struggles of playing out each layer as a drama in my life, with each layer potentially lasting weeks or months.

In the process of feeling these layers of emotion, I realize that they are related to more of the psychic surgery stuff – emotions of anger, hopelessness, and betrayal. While in the emotion, I get in my head, starting to wonder if inner energy parts of me are cut, clogged, or totally missing. As I experience the pain, I feel a deep sense of hopelessness and anger – a feeling that everything is messed up inside of me and that there is nothing I can do about it.

But once these few emotional layers are released, after having transmuted them with the help of the light, I experience a deep sense of peace and trust – a sense of inner knowing that there is nothing for me to do other than to love myself, to follow guidance as it comes, and to continue trusting my process.

White Bird Intuitions

Several times today, in the midst of my journey with reading painful empath emotions, I returned to that beautiful “White Bird” metaphor – imagining a magical white dove flying out of my heart to a spot just a short distance in front of me. Each time I felt pains entering my body, I asked that white dove to assist me, to catch the energy before it enters me, and to help me learn to make this process fun, in the easiest path possible. In ways hard to describe, this metaphor (one I had forgotten until writing about it yesterday) does indeed bring great magical comfort.

Yes, I felt excruciating pains today, reading the emotions of others in agonizing ways. But with the help of my little white dove, I did not eat and internalize any of those pains. I was just learning to feel them while remaining unattached in my heart space.

Intuitions tell me that with all of the love I have been bringing in this week, that many of the pains I experienced today are the result of two things.

First, my own fears are manifesting to get my attention – showing me how I still have love hooked with pain, garbage eating, and betrayal.

Second, I clearly trust that the increased pains are also another way to emphasize how important it is for me to transition further onto the easy bus – to clear away more of the emotional blocks that continue to distort my inner energies and connections – and to allow even more Higher Light and Love to assist me.

I can tell that this beautiful little white bird metaphor will continue to be a magical partner in the future.

Distorted Childhood Beliefs

Later that night, after a fun evening of bagging chocolate, I return home to discover that my neighbors are hosting a few friends on their balcony.

An hour later, when 11:00 p.m. comes and goes, I note that more people have gathered, a guitar and harmonica are playing loudly, and a few people are singing. The music is actually quite beautiful, but it is also very late at night, distracting me from sleep.

Realizing that lately, I have been on a journey to learn how to find my loving power in standing up for what I deserve, I decide that I really deserve to have a home where neighbors do not make a lot of noise late at night.

But I fight myself. I don’t want to walk over and make a scene. I doubt my ability to be polite. I remember how I always used to make a mess of such things in the past, because I waited until the boiling point before finally saying something. Still not wanting to walk next door, I do a little muscle testing. The result repeatedly tells me to go next door and ask for what I deserve.

Finally, at 11:30 p.m., I bite my lip and reluctantly follow my guidance, stepping out onto the patio in my pajamas. Even with earplugs, I cannot relax with their increasing noise.

“Excuse me, can I ask a favor,” I interrupt their loud singing. “I see that you have a beautiful gathering here, and I want you to have fun, but can you please remember that it is after 11:00 p.m. … and can you be consciously aware of the noise levels.”

“This is not a party hostel,” I then add. “It is my home. I have lived here for two years and I really need my sleep. ”

“Thanks,” I finish as I walk away, without actually engaging in a dialog.

As I spoke, I had felt a happy and bubbly energy flowing through me, and I definitely sensed a receptive energy in their response, but after returning to bed, I immediately experience the unexpected – loud inner storytellers telling me the exact opposite. Then, when I hear the neighbors and friends leave to go somewhere else, I feel even more stupid.

A round of emotional voices clamor for my attention, screaming: “I am such a loser for doing that,” and “I feel really stupid and guilty for ruining my relationship with my neighbors. Now they are really going to hate me.”

“Wow,” I ponder on my pillow as I review one final lesson for the day and for the week. This was a lesson I had not expected, one reminding me that an inner belief system remains quite active and entrenched. It is a belief system demanding that: “I really cannot speak my truth, even in a loving way, without believing that I am a total screw up.”

Magical Wrap-Up

As has been the pattern lately, these last five days overflowed with beautiful and magical growth.

I have revisited magical metaphors, nearly two years old, reminding me how there really is a world of magic inside of me, just waiting for me to clean out the final blocks so I can connect the power source to all the fun theme-park rides.

And again, I have learned in an ever deepening way, how as a child, I gave away much of that power to the rational mind, allowing my heart to be stabbed with words and logic, giving up magical theme-park imagination for intellectual thinking.

And I will be forever grateful for those experiences with Cathy. In profound, experiential ways, I was gifted with another beautiful understanding of how an out-of-control rational mind – one not balanced with the heart – can literally strangle and/or kill the very life force that fuels my heart (if I give it the power to do so). In the course of this unfolding journey, I have further learned to own my power, to recognize when I am giving it away, and to find the inner capacity to say, “No, I WILL remain in my heart space, no matter what happens around me.”

But perhaps the most magic of the week came on the day when I first connected with Divine Love on the steps of that metaphorical temple in my eighth chakra. Words cannot describe the feelings as new cracks formed in the walls surrounding my heart … as new streams of personal magical love began to find deep emotional connections in my ever-opening heart. I finally am beginning to make connections with my Divine “Circle of Friends.”

I cannot wait to discover what comes next.

… to be continued …

Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved