Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “Pondering Personal Power.”
Wednesday afternoon, after a morning of beautiful energy while playing with crystals and watching Abraham videos, I find myself right back on my favorite cushion at Keith’s magical porch – still feeling the beautiful energy flowing through me.
About twenty-five people crowd this small porch on this warm February 6, 2013 day. As I finish drinking my chocolate, I sink into meditation long before Keith guides the rest of the group into the “Glow Meditation.”
Quietly focusing inward, I soon begin to feel sharp pains in my solar plexus. But I also notice that my heart is wide open. Intuitions clearly whisper that the pains I feel in my solar plexus are not even mine – that I am experiencing a situation that Keith often refers to as “reading the book without eating the book.”
As an unknowing empath during most of my life, it is still second nature for me to feel and store the emotions of others in my body, believing those emotions to be my own, believing it to be my sacred duty to handle them all by myself. But to my delight, today I clearly understand that I am sensing the emotional pains of others without bringing them into my body. I giggle as this clarity reaches my conscious mind.
A while later, as Keith works with a woman in deep emotional release, he glances at me and points to his abdomen.
“Keith,” I quietly whisper. “I am reading her energy … right?”
“Yes, Brenda,” Keith whispers back.
I giggle with confidence and gratitude for how Keith just magically confirmed what I already knew, helping me completely eliminate any doubting mind chatter.
Masculine Heart Magic
Based on this initial experience I begin to wonder if today might be another opportunity to explore the further opening of my empath sensitivities, but I am unattached, simply allowing and surrendering to the flow while still enjoying very delightful energies.
A while later, Keith works with a young man who is starting to open his heart. I will call him Peter. The process is magical to watch, inspiring me to find a new sense of self-love for my own inner masculine energies – energies that have been so easy to reject and judge in the past. As I revel in simply observing Peter’s process, I feel energetic tingles in my high heart and throat regions. Intuitions whisper that these sensations are from more of my own healed masculine energies beginning to wake up – and I am starting to embrace that power ever so slightly.
Soon, Peter looks at me and I lock eyes with him. I sense his beautiful masculine innocence, and as I energetically connect, I start to imagine more of my own pure divine masculine power returning to support my heart in an unconditional, non-distorted way. I love how this experience is helping me to see the purity and innocence of healed masculine energy. It has been so easy for me to vilify such energy when there have been so many distortions of it in my life.
But Keith soon interrupts Peter, asking him to energetically reconnect with a young woman – one who had been a key player in assisting Peter to open his heart chakra a few minutes earlier. Keith guides him, telling Peter that his newly opened heart now has something to share with this young woman – something that will help her to open in some undisclosed way.
Energetic Whiplash
Nothing could have prepared me for what I perceive next. What began as a very genuine, passive, and trusting process gradually evolves into an experience that makes me want to gag, close my eyes, bite my lip, and hide.
For more than an hour, I observe as Peter sways dramatically with exaggerated head and hand movements, as if he is trying to push energy into the young woman with powerful concentration. I perceive that his pure and innocent masculine energy is overstepping its boundaries. I am quite clear that Peter’s actions remain pure and well intentioned, but I perceive a heavy fixing distortion as Peter seems to be doing everything he can to control and push the energies into the young woman, rather than simply trusting his heart to know what to do.
I feel as if I have energetic whiplash, being shown two extreme sides of the same masculine energy in such a short time. In many ways I am seeing a reflection of my youth … of a young me with such pure and genuine motivation … but lost in culturally taught male-energy distortions, and judging myself for having them.
I want to be absolutely clear here. This is my own trigger … my own perception of what is taking place. I glance at Keith several times and he is aware but simply ignoring – implicitly acknowledging that what is taking place is for the higher good. I also clearly recognize that both Peter and the young woman are just fine with what is happening – that this process is serving both of them, just as it is serving me.
In fact, intuitions loudly whisper that I am witnessing a personalized stage play – one that perhaps no one else is even seeing at all. It seems to be performed just for my benefit and for my triggering.
Eventually, Peter disengages from this process and proceeds to encourage several other people in holding hands and sharing energies with each other. It is beautiful to watch them connect, but I see it as a triggering deep distraction. I am in a state where I perceive such masculine energy as creating chaos and separation from the higher group energy.
Dominated, Manipulated, And Controlled
As I continue observing Peter and his journey, I increasingly realize something that had popped into my head this morning. It was an idea that the blocks to my power are no longer in the power centers of my body, and that maybe there are no more blown fuses in my solar plexus.
“Right now,” I ponder with clarity, “my feminine heart is blocking this masculine power out of pure terror – terror that if the power is allowed to flow into my heart, that I will be forever dominated, manipulated, and controlled.”
Then another idea floods my mind.
“Some of the pains I now repeatedly experience in my abdomen might just be the healed and balanced masculine energy that wants to flow to my heart.” I ponder. “But I have it blocked. I am refusing to allow it to move up to my heart.”
Inner emotions confirm these intuitions as I continue observing the external stage play. I do indeed feel deep anger and resentment toward dysfunctional masculine power – and toward empowered men (and women) who use such energy from a place of ego and fixing.
The more I surrender to these emotions, the more I experience intense abdominal churning – painful gas moving and twitching in extremely active and agitated ways.
Buckets Of Anger
As Keith eventually conducts an empath training, I remain mostly focused on my own process – metaphorically connecting ever deeper with this pain. I resist going into the emotion itself, but finally a spark of knowing tells me that I need to surrender – that I need to feel the anger to the core before I can release it.
I have released a great deal of anger on Keith’s porch, usually doing so on the hard bus. But I do not want to burst out screaming and punching pillows today. Suddenly, I remember a recent process from a friend. It was a process where she felt and released a huge amount of repressed anger – first by feeling it and then, while in meditation, throwing it at an angel.
Quickly, in deep meditation, I ask a metaphorical male angel to stand in front of me. I imagine myself picking up a handful of the putrid anger that continues to churn in my abdomen. Then I visualize myself angrily throwing it at the angel. As I do so, I bend forward and begin to cry. Seconds later, I bring in the light and sit back up. I am in a very good energy now, but the physical pains in my abdomen remain quite intense.
I repeat this process many times, layer by layer letting the anger go, first throwing fistfuls at the angel, and later forcefully tossing bucketfuls in his direction. Each time I feel a little of the angry pain release – but it does not all leave me.
In the middle of this ongoing process, I begin to experience a slight energy flow from the base of my spine, running up the front of my abdomen on the left side. The flow is small, but exciting, because I do not remember ever having felt energy here before.
Souvenirs, Keepsakes, And Mementos
As Keith continues working with other empaths, I begin to ask the light to help me release the rest of my repressed anger on the easy bus, without having to feel it all so intensely. But as I make this meditative request, a new understanding floods my mind.
“I WANT to feel this anger,” I ponder with shock. “I do not want to let it go because I have to feel it first. I WANT to feel it first. I believe that if I do not feel it, then the healing is not real.”
Suddenly, this inner hint takes me back to what Keith told me on Monday … that the pains I am feeling are like souvenirs, keepsakes, and mementos of the past … things to give me proof of past pain so that I won’t forget the lessons I learned, so that I still have a reason to feel the God drama betrayal, etc…
“That is what ALL of this layer of pain is,” I ponder with intuitive clarity. “It is just old stuff that I can release without having to feel it … stuff that is no longer necessary to process one tiny piece at a time. I have done all the deep work with this layer. There is nothing more to learn by doing it on the hard bus – by digging through the mountain with a spoon.”
Releasing Boxed-Up Souvenirs
Meanwhile, as I am deep in my own process, Keith has had a new empath sitting in the center of the group, assisting everyone who wants to participate to release some emotion. I am remotely aware that Keith has asked a few people to give this woman some feedback, but I am not really paying attention.
“Brenda, how are you doing?” Keith asks me a few minutes later.
Surprised by the question, I proceed to fill Keith in on my metaphorical journey, telling him that in the last few minutes I have been releasing all of those pains as old boxed-up souvenirs.
“I am beginning to feel much lighter now,” I tell him with a giggle.
“So you gave it to her, and she sent it on to the angels,” Keith points to the empath in the middle, letting me know that she helped me release those old keepsakes.
“I don’t know,” I respond with surprise. “I was just asking the Higher Energies to help me, and I felt the stuff start leaving.”
I am grateful for the opportunity to share my process with Keith, and then feel quite silly when Keith turns to the next person and asks them to give feedback to the woman in the middle. I had not even realized he was originally just asking me to give feedback myself.
An older version of me might have flogged myself with negative self-talk for not following the group process. The new me just feels self-love and compassion, recognizing that all of this is a beautiful part of my process.
A Date of Eights
As I quickly return to that process, I remember an intense journey that consumed a great deal of time and emotional energy throughout the first half of 2008. At the time, I had a beautiful four-bedroom home. One large corner section of my downstairs family room was filled with old boxes – boxes containing souvenirs, keepsakes, and mementos from the lives of both my father, and my grandfather. I had been hanging onto those boxes for many years. Their presence in my personal space felt like a huge burden. I had a responsibility to preserve those memories, not just for me, but for my children and grandchildren. To do otherwise would be betraying the past. So, in my busy distractions and depression, those boxes had remained there for years.
Early in 2008, while still in the middle of my “Masters in Mental Health Counseling” four-year post-graduate degree – just two months after being laid off (by choice) from my lucrative computer science employment – I had ample free time and a profound awareness that I would have to sell my home in order to survive financially.
From January to July, I spent hour after depressing hour, digging through boxes, sorting, scanning photos, transferring old audio tapes to MP3, etc. It was an agonizing and tedious process, leaving an ominous and heavy energy in the large corner of that room. Later, on August 8, 2008, a dear friend came to help me do an energy clearing in preparation to list my home for sale. I remember the date because, on a random last-minute-scheduled visit, my friend showed up at 8:08 p.m. on 8/8/2008, just as the summer Olympics were beginning in China. We both giggled when we figured out the numerological significance of all the “eights.”
The thing about that evening that had most astounded me was when my friend stood in the corner of that room where all of those boxes had once been stacked. She did not know the story at all, and had never before been to my home. As she stood there, she froze in her tracks for about ten minutes before turning to speak to me.
“Brenda,” she asked, “do you mind if we finish this room later? I am feeling such an intense dense energy here that it is overwhelming me, and I just cannot continue right now.”
Less than six weeks after that beautiful memory, the sale of my home was complete and closed, right smack dab in the middle of a very difficult economy.
Delightfully Free
As I ponder this memory from out of nowhere, I clearly realize the intuitive connection.
“All of these souvenirs, keepsakes, and mementos of old emotional trauma – the ones that keep me stuck and clinging to my God drama – are every bit as powerful as those physical boxes of stuff from my father and grandfather.” I ponder with shocking clarity.
“In fact, they are impacting my energy in far more significant ways than the physical boxes did.”
I quickly recall a magical memory that had culminated the end of my journey with those boxes. I had invited all of my children and grandchildren to come over to my house.
“You can take turns choosing anything here that you might want to keep for yourselves,” I told my children. “Anything that you do not want is going to be either thrown away or donated to charity.”
That evening had turned into a party, with people claiming their cherished memories of a grandfather and great-grandfather – and it was an evening of profound freedom for me. The stuff was passed on to those who cherished it, and the rest was discarded. It was no longer my emotional burden. I was delightfully free.
A House Burning
Quickly, I organize a similar inner party in my meditation. I invite a large group of angels to come in to “box up’ all of the childhood pain that I continue to carry around – a cherished mountain of pain that is no longer necessary for my learning and growth.
I imagine giggling faces and refreshments as the angels laugh and play with these emotionally dense things, showing me that this can be fun – that I no longer need any of these old keepsakes and mementos. In the middle of this imagined party, I ask the angels to carry the boxes away – to transmute them, or to return them to their rightful owners.
As I ponder this process, fearful emotions surface as I realize that I do not even need to know – nor do I want to know – just what is being carried off in those boxes. I can just let it go. It is that easy.
I then ponder another memory – one also in 2008 – one of frequently pondering how my process would have been so much easier if my house would simply burn to the ground.
“I wouldn’t have to tediously sort through those treasures,” I had pondered, “so that the decision would just be made for me at a higher level and that it would all just burn up in flames without me needing to dig through it all one piece at a time.”
“This is exactly what I am doing now at an energetic level,” I giggle. “I am actually asking the angels to come and just take it all away – to energetically transmute it to brilliant white light. I am giving up the need to sort through every item, as if some cherished treasure might be found by doing so – one that I simply could not part with.”
For as long as I can remember, my father had been a packrat, and I had done the same – collecting and saving family heirlooms for posterity to treasure.
“Bullshit,” I giggle to myself. “I don’t need to do that anymore. I already gave this up at the physical level. It is time to do it at the emotional one.”
Very Real Stuff
Over and over, I imagine angels hauling boxes away. As I do so, the pain in my abdomen greatly diminishes, but never fully leaves. By the end of the chocolate ceremony, I imagine myself in the corner of my inner basement, vacuuming the rug and washing down the walls. Then I imagine my friend helping me to clear the energy of that space.
As the ceremony concludes, I share portions of my journey with Keith.
“This is very real stuff being thrown away in those boxes,” I exclaim with excitement. “But it is just more of the same old pain that I no longer need.”
“Of course it is real,” Keith confirms with a grin. “But you are right that you no longer need it.”
“The hard part is letting go of the attachments and the fear that something valuable might be lost … that someone might want this someday,” I discuss with Keith.
“But I call bullshit on that.” I later ponder. “This stuff is heavy, dense, and is dragging me down like an anchor. There is nothing new to learn.”
I clearly understand that what I did today just scratches the surface. Yes, I cleaned out a huge layer of the proverbial onion, but intuitions tell me there are more layers – and that what I did today was a huge and profound beginning.
As I walk home, only a few minor pains remain in my abdomen. Something inside has shifted to yet another new level. A sense of excitement and wonder fills my heart as I stare at the volcano-clad landscape before stepping into my apartment.
More Boxes
“Wow,” A young man comments to me at the start of the Thursday afternoon workgroup ceremony. “The energy in your feet is really flowing strongly today.”
This sensitive young man had just happened to place his hand by my feet as he was positioning himself on a nearby cushion. I believe him, but am deeply surprised that someone else can feel the new energy flows as much as I can. Little by little, new energy is waking up in my body as the old blockages leave.
Early in the ceremony, I return to the same meditation from yesterday, calling in a new crew of magical angels to box up another layer of souvenirs, mementos, and keepsakes – all once cherished treasures to remember a painful childhood – ammunition to remind me of why I refuse to allow Higher Energies to help me.
This time I imagine that the room full of boxes is inside of my solar plexus. As I visualize the angels moving boxes out of the room, I imagine a light turning on to make the energy brighter.
“Wow, I feel it physically,” I giggle silently. “It is already much lighter inside.”
Magical Cleanup
As I sense this new light glowing inside, I imagine an open door between my solar plexus and my heart – with a light bulb glowing on both sides of that now-open passage. Tickling vibrations soon delight me as I feel the energies mildly begin to glow inside.
As new pains surface (and they do), I imagine that the angels have opened a hidden drawer, a forgotten cupboard, or perhaps a hideaway under a loose floorboard. Each time a new pain surfaces, I ask the angels to come in and help clean out this newly discovered secret container – taking away the once protected and cherished contents.
Soon, I imagine a window in this room, and I pull back the curtains to let the sun shine through. Wow, I like it.
Next, I open the window to let fresh air into this stagnant storage room, asking a small breeze to carry away the stale air and to replace it with new life force.
Following this unfolding chain of events, I imagine my friend doing an energy clearing in this space. Then I call in an angelic carpet cleaning crew. Later an angelic construction crew brings in new carpet and interior designers add delightful décor to the walls. Suddenly, I realize the walls are dirty and I ask the angels to clean them first.
It is one fun metaphor after another – each bringing real instructions to the subconscious mind. The process seems to be taking forever as I imagine one thing after another. Finally, I remember a scene from one of the Harry Potter movies. Feeling an affinity with Hermione from the story, I imagine her walking into my inner room, waving a wand, and finishing the remaining cleanup with one simple magic spell.
When the process is finished, I feel a brand new, clean, temple-like room in my abdomen. A beautiful energy physically flows throughout this area. Wow, something really is working.
Continuing with flowing creativity, I have angels make one of the walls removable at the press of a button. When the button is pushed, the wall rises up, leading me out onto a balcony. I am overlooking gorgeous views of the rugged Oregon coastline. I love it.
Confident Support
Late in the ceremony, I ask Keith for any suggestions in my process.
“Go back to a memory of how you felt physically violated when your stuff disappeared as a child,” Keith guides me. “Remember how you felt when your mother took it away and you never saw it again.”
After bantering ideas with Keith for a minute or two, he declines to give me any more guidance and makes a teasing comment.
“You know you can never do anything right,” Keith giggles at me when I beg for external guidance.
A woman nearby thinks Keith is serious and starts to take this comment personally. I quickly grin at her as Keith and I take turns explaining how he was joking with me.
“I love how I am learning to trust myself and not need validation or guidance,” I giggle silently. “What Keith just did in sarcastically joking with me was actually a huge hidden compliment and expression of support.”
Violated Treasures
As I follow the threads of Keith’s new guidance, I clearly realize that the new intense inner pains that I am feeling are indeed the sensation of being violated.
It is quite bizarre. A very real part of me seems angry and hurt that the angels followed my guidance – that the angels came in and hauled away all of our precious treasures just like we asked them to do.
As strange as it may seem, now that these childhood keepsakes and mementos are gone, these very real parts of me are resentful, hurt, sad, and rebellious.
I quickly go inside and meditatively begin to follow this, “I felt violated” thread. Meanwhile, I suddenly feel quite annoyed as a man and woman begin to squeeze and crowd my foot space.
“This is me feeling the emotions of having my space violated,” the understanding suddenly glows. “As a child, my personal space was constantly invaded.”
Following intuition, with my crowded feet stretched out in front, I place little Bobby-bear on my knees and bend forward, gently holding his feet. Suddenly, I am shocked by the deep feelings that surface as I remember the intense emotions of violation when my precious teddy bear was secretly taken from me as a child – never to be seen again. As I process this emotion, other memories quickly surface of repeated times when my mother threw away more of my stuff. My treasures were her junk.
Past Violation Leaving
I suddenly realize that when my childhood bear was taken from me, that I never replaced it. In a very big way, that little teddy bear represented my imagination, my connection to magical play, and to things of the heart. And the loss of that bear was a statement of “grow up, be a man, let go of silly childhood stuff, and move into your logical mind where you belong.”
“Not only was my space violated, but my imagination and magic were violated as well,” I ponder with deep overwhelming feeling.
Another round of intense emotions suddenly flow through me – to the point where I almost break down into uncontrollable sobs. But just before I lose control, I ask the light to transmute whatever can now be released … and the emotion all vanishes.
Suddenly the pieces all come together. I have been thinking that parts of me are rebelling because they feel violated by the light – by how the light (at my request) came in and took away their emotionally dysfunctional treasures. But it is now clear that this emotion is profoundly tied in to the emotions of violation related to actual physical and energetic violations as a child.
“I am not really feeling violated by the light,” I ponder the confusion with clarity. “What I am feeling is the childhood violation that is now being transmuted by the light.”
I quickly ponder deep understanding of how we usually have to feel the emotions that are being released – and that what I am feeling is past stuff on its way out, not a new violation. The trick is to allow this and not identify with it – without seeing it as a new violation.
Simple Yet Profund
In a moment of ceremonial pause, Keith looks in my direction, and I briefly share portions of my journey. As he congratulates me, confirming and validating my new understandings, his face fills with a huge grin.
“It was so simple … yet so profound,” I giggle to Keith. “I just released a huge layer of the foundations of my God drama.”
I love how every day – by simply following the flow of unfolding events and metaphors – that my healing process moves forward as if on autopilot. I need simply to show up and follow the clues.
Later, after the ceremony finishes, I do what is now becoming a regular ritual. I walk home at a snail’s pace, taking in the wonders around me, filling myself with the present moment while pondering the magical insights that continue to flow with such synchronous expectancy.
Magical Beginnings
After a beautiful Friday morning, the afternoon chocolate ceremony begins much like any other – with a few giggling exceptions. First, I bump into an older couple who are out on the streets wandering, looking for “the chocolate shaman,” and I have a delightful conversation with them as I escort them to a magical playground. Second, Bobby-bear gets baptized by a little chocolate – as do I. As Keith is bringing two cups of chocolate out the door, I turn around unexpectedly, finding two cups where my arms happen to be headed. Well, you get the picture …
After a nice giggle, it is time to meditate and hold space. Shortly after the glow meditation, Keith works with a woman across the porch – a woman who is opening her heart. Her energy is so strong that Keith invites others to come over to feel the heat radiating from her heart.
“I can feel it from five feet away,” I share with Keith as I hold my hands in front of me, feeing the strong tingling vibration.
Swamp Revisions
As I focus on my own process, I suddenly remember an idea I had yesterday.
“I want to go back to the platform above my old swamp,” I ponder with clarity. “That swamp has been mostly cleaned out now and I want to finish another layer of the job.”
As I visualize myself standing with my “Fab Four” on that wooden platform, I imagine a now-empty swamp – with all of those boxes of treasures and mementos as representing the murky waters that have been carried away and transmuted by angels.
I begin to imagine that the bottom of the former swamp is now lined with a thin layer of sparkling quartz crystals, and the pond is now being refilled with purified water.
“Hey, why stop here,” I giggle as I get creative. “Let’s move the swamp to the mountains.”
I soon visualize my power center as being a beautiful mountain pond, with magical wildlife, a beaver dam, frogs, fish, tadpoles, crickets, birds, breeze, and pine trees. With each moment, new images are added to the growing landscape.
Expanding Scenery And Surrender
“Brenda, what can you feel now?” I suddenly hear Keith in the back of my mind.
When I look up, I vaguely remember that he had asked the woman across the porch to double the newly opened energy in her heart.
“Oops,” I apologize, “I was already deep in my own process, following a new metaphor.
I quickly stick my hand out in front of me as I had done before, and I provide the feedback that I do feel this woman’s energy much stronger now.
I feel so confident in my answer – and so delighted that I actually feel something that I can trust. For more than two years now, I have been quite aware of new energy sensations in my hands, but I have yet to fully trust a way to interpret them, or to discern anything more than the fact that I feel strong, mild, or weak vibrations etc…
Immediately, as Keith moves on, I return to my mountain pond, gradually expanding the scenery to a series of cascading ponds fed by a glacier-sourced waterfall. I even have a diving board on one side where I can jump in to play in the magic, doing flips and twists on the way in.
For what feels like hours, I bask in this metaphor, feeling the inner energy shifts as I imagine the picturesque scene with ever-increasing wildlife and magic.
I begin to imagine myself swimming around as the fresh flowing water carries away new layers of any old densities that might suddenly surface. Soon, I find myself in a state of complete surrender, floating on my back, imagining that I am turning over all control to my Higher Energies. The thought triggers a few more feelings of fear, but I simply smile and encourage my inner energies to trust and let go, telling them it is time to go up another level.
A Confusing Swirl
Eventually, Keith works with the husband of the couple that I found wandering the streets before the ceremony. It is another beautiful experience of watching a beautiful man’s heart beginning to open in magical ways.
As I watch the deeply emotional process, I begin to experience sharp pains in my heart. I want to say that I am reading something from others, but intuitions tell me this pain is related to MY process, and that it has something to do with deep fears surrounding opening my own heart to more healed masculine energies.
Feeling guided to upgrade my energies before proceeding, I imagine myself stepping into an elevator, pushing the “up” button, not knowing where I am going. As the elevator doors eventually open, I imagine that I am blindfolded so that I can more fully experience surrender with less rational mind involvement. As I step through the now-open doors, I feel as if I am in a room surrounded by all of my Higher Dimension Circle of Friends. I surrender all control, feeling energies with no expectations regarding what might happen.
As I do so, I feel energies tickling in my heart center. They are a little sharp and prickly, but definitely tickling, giving me a sense of confidence that this is something opening. As I imagine this scene, I visualize that I am floating again, in total surrender.
For the next half hour, I remain in this floating state while paying attention to the ongoing process of this beautiful man who is struggling to further open his heart. Emotions swell deeply as I recognize that I am actually allowing another small level of opening in my own heart. There is some fear, but I mostly experience deep joy and sadness, mixed together in a confusing swirl.
Lightening With Light
I allow myself to feel these emotions for a while, holding back a physical craving to sob while allowing inner sobs to flow unrestricted. My body frequently shakes as the intensity of this emotion surges and relaxes.
“Light,” I finally ask in meditation, “would you show me what you would do with this emotion?”
As I make this inner request to the Higher Energies, the deep emotion quickly fades to nothingness. I love how the sadness just disappears.
I ponder how much of the emotion I felt is not only related to inner openings, but also to a recognition that I have the same resistance to any type of outer relationship of an intimate sort.
“I have so much more profound self-love now,” I ponder. “I have so much more healing and compassion in my life … but I am not ready to expose myself to a relationship while so much inner imbalance yet exists.”
Magical And Intense
As Keith begins to work with the last woman in the circle, his guidance suddenly tells him to step back from individual work so that he can lead a group meditation. I am so grateful that Keith is so connected to such channeled wisdom.
Keith quickly leads the group into a pillar of light meditation, one that begins by feeling a layer of light underneath us – a light that equates to the Christian palm of God, or the Buddhists thousand petal lotus. I have done this meditation perhaps hundreds of times, but never before been able to feel the energetic support of this “palm of God” holding me at the root, and later rising through my lower chakras to support me at the heart. I clearly understand that my lower chakras have been so clogged that such sensitivities were massively blocked.
But today, I begin to feel something quite magical … and intense.
Today, with newly cleaned out space in my abdominal chakras, I take this meditation to a new level of trust and surrender. As I imagine a loving support rising from the Divine Feminine energies of Mother Earth, I begin to feel overwhelmed by the level of loving support I experience. And the emotion skyrockets as I imagine this feminine support moving up to support my heart.
Divine Feminine Love
As I feel mild but overwhelming joyful support rise through my solar plexus, I recognize that it is still largely blocked at my rib cage. But something tells me that I CAN trust this loving support to move further up. I ignore the resistance, continuing to imagine the loving support rising further. As I do so, I melt into deep emotional tears, nearly losing my composure as my belly shakes, and tears stream down my cheeks. Intuitions tell me that this motherly energy is still mostly blocked at my rib cage, but a tiny bit is coming through to touch my heart.
The emotions that consume me are a magical mixture of fear, sadness, anger, and joy. Intuitions tell me that it is the anger that forms the wall at the rib cage. Again I imagine myself holding a bucket, scooping up that anger and metaphorically throwing it at God, and at Mother Earth. Over and over again, I scoop and throw, bucket after bucket, as continuous waves of emotional release ebb and flow.
Finally, I ask the light to fill me and to transmute whatever is ready. To my delight, the emotion soon disappears and I feel much lighter – feeling more energy than I have felt all day.
While portions of the wall remain intact, I clearly understand that some of it crumbled, that some of that Divine Feminine love did make it to my heart today.
Daily Ups And Downs
When the ceremony is over, one woman expresses her concern that Keith worked with everyone but her today. When she looks at me, she then acknowledges that Keith had not worked with me either.
“I did some very deep work today,” I giggle to Keith, recognizing that I do not feel the least bit slighted.
As Keith acknowledges to my friend that he was watching our energies, I just smile inside. I now trust my process so deeply that I know that if I had needed any help, that the help would have been offered at precisely the moment when I needed it.
After arriving at home, I make a quick wardrobe change and head off to a nearby restaurant to reward Bobby and Sharon with a little inner child food. It is time to celebrate another week of magical growth and opening. Just from the work I did today, my throat chakra feels much lighter and more energized, and my third eye feels as if it is also trying to open a little more.
I love these gradual energetic upgrades. They are difficult to quantify as they come and go. But even with the daily ups and downs, there is definitely a rapid increase toward the upside – and I absolutely love how much more joy I am feeling in the last few weeks.
Open Mind, Willing Heart
Saturday, February 9, 2013, I bask in these new energies as I write and publish, “Eighth Chakra Magic.” I love this new meditation and how it is becoming such an integral part of my ongoing growth.
These have been a magical four days with several intertwining storylines, all related. The journey began and ended with metaphors of masculine heart opening – of working toward allowing healed and undistorted masculine energy to form a loving partnership with the also-healing feminine heart. But as I began exploring the journey, the synchronicities immediately presented me with my biggest nightmare – that opening to such masculine energies is a guarantee of distorted domination and control. In the process of working with the fear, I soon realized that my heart is terrified of further opening to masculine power because part of me absolutely knows that such an event would lead to frightful manipulation and loss of all power.
This masculine and feminine journey is confusing, complicated, and magical all at the same time as I work with various parts of me with the goal to establish an unconditionally loving balanced partnership between all parts of myself.
Perhaps the most profound process this week has been delving ever more deeply into the subconscious cleansing of old souvenirs and keepsakes – old mementos from the past to which I cling so tightly that I will not allow my own healing to proceed – old collections of painful memories that define my dysfunction and keep me safe in my smallness.
I love how every ceremony in these four days has been dominated by a magical and synchronous flow of nonstop metaphors for working with this letting-go process in a fun and creative way – in a way that absolutely communicates with the subconscious mind so profoundly that magical energies are waking up inside me at a delightful rate.
Each step along this healing journey continues to astound me, repeatedly reinforcing the fact that once I surrendered to this process, that all I need to do is to show up with an open mind and a willing heart.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved