Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “Tough Love Tantrums.”
Beautiful tingling energy fills my fingers, forearms, feet, and legs as I sit meditating in my living room, early on this first day of March 2013. Soon, the inner journey combines with the watching of a very magical movie deeply emphasizing the importance of belief – reminding me that beliefs create our reality – and that we need to believe in the magic in order to be able to experience it personally. The movie causes me to giggle as dancing inner energies confirm once again that the magic IS real, that I just need to drop the inner stories that repeatedly throw up rational-mind roadblocks.
I carry this beautiful energetic state with me to the Friday afternoon chocolate ceremony. It is a small gathering, with only around ten people present. After a very different series of introductory discussion, and a shorter-than-normal “Glow Meditation,” Keith opens up the porch for individual work, making it known that he is not going to work his way around the porch as he often used to do, but instead, people need to speak up today if they want help.
This announcement triggers me, because I still feel very timid about speaking up and asking for such help.
Initial Ideas
But I feel no need to ask for guidance right now. Instead, I simply observe inner feelings and emotions while paying attention to events around me. Eventually, Keith does check in, asking how I am doing.
“I feel my heart opening, then closing … opening again, and closing again … over and over,” I share a confusing journey. “I feel as if I am opening to a new level of something, but fear is causing me to keep shutting it back down…”
Keith nods in agreement, after which I explain that I also feel a great deal of energetic pressure on my forehead and nose – a pressure that has been prominent all morning.
“I think this might be related to the further opening of my empath magic,” I ponder out loud. “I know that I take in energy via my forehead …”
Without validating or denying my thoughts, Keith quickly moves on, leaving me to follow the metaphorical threads on my own. I realize that I am too much in my head, and he wants me to go inside and feel rather than think.
Small And Insignificant
The woman I called “Jill” in my last blog then asks Keith a beautiful question about healing … wondering when it is appropriate to be “hands on” and when to simply share energy from afar. Keith explains that for some, it is ten times more powerful for the person being helped if they know that you are working with them, and that it is also important for some people doing the healing to receive the personal feedback that often comes when working more directly with hands on.
This delightful conversation stimulates a great deal of inner pondering in me – causing me to review my recent feelings of being “tough-loved” and “bullied” into doing more direct hands-on work with others (written about in my last blog). I clearly see that I feel more inner feedback when working directly, and that I often receive beautiful validating comments that also encourage the “magical-me” to come out of my shell. I see the magic in this personal work and the various forms of feedback that result, but I also feel stiff resistance.
Suddenly, I flash back to elementary school, to my fifth and sixth grade years, where I began to notice how I felt ridiculed for asking so many questions in class – and for raising my hand to answer questions that the teacher posed to the class.
“I often felt deeply embarrassed and put down,” I ponder with a tear in my eye. “I started to isolate myself into a box and became afraid to speak up in class or to ask questions any more.”
I was just deeply curious, wanting to know, wanting to understand … but I felt mis-accused, ridiculed, and even betrayed by classmates that saw me as too smart, being the teacher’s pet etc…
I quickly learned to fit in by remaining small and insignificant, to melt into the background as much as possible. It is easy to find similar repeating patterns throughout my life.
A Question Of Questions
As these memories flash repeatedly through my conscious mind, I muster up courage to speak and to ask Keith for guidance. At this very moment, Keith glances at me with a glowing facial expression that seems to be telepathically saying, “I see that you are ready to ask a meaningful question, please proceed.”
I open my mouth and confidently explain the insights from fifth and sixth grade, first laying a little background for my question.
“Keith,” I then share, “in the last six to eight months, you know how a few people have repeatedly slammed me for giving my power away when I ask questions. I am now literally afraid to ask questions in group, always looking over my shoulder when I do so. But I suddenly realize that “NOT asking questions” is also disempowering me … and giving my power away. Can you help me understand this?”
Keith quickly explains that when I ask questions wanting head validation for what I am doing, that this is when my questions are disempowering. But he then adds that other questions that guide me in my process, and not into my head, are very appropriate to ask.
An Indignant Storyteller
I hear Keith’s response, and I agree with his answer, but the inner storyteller in me silently explodes into more frustrated chatter. This angry tantrum-thrower-in-me quickly reminds me of how, on a daily basis, Keith is bombarded by questions from others where they are often asking for head validation, and he lovingly and patiently answers THEIR questions … and that it seems to be just MY requests for head validation that are rejected.
I silently thank these inner tantrums for making their presence known … and I send them love, while refusing to validate their stories. Keith does indeed patiently answer most questions, and I often get the head validation I desire from listening as a third party fly on the wall – but in my cases, one of my primary healing journeys is NOT to get such head validation at this stage of my process.
“So, I am sort of being singled out and forced to trust my SELF on the head stuff, because I now understand it as being part of my God / separation drama,” I ponder. “In my case, I tend to refuse to move forward into a new step until I understand and trust it enough FIRST – until I KNOW that I will not get myself ridiculed or put-down by others if I step out of my box.”
A Shrinking Cell
To my delight, Keith then engages me in a beautiful two-way discussion about the shutdown of magic.
“What happens to a six year old child when she shares her magic and gets a huge negative reaction?” Keith poses a very real question.
As I regress to childhood pain and understanding, I see heads nodding in recognition all over the porch. I feel their glowing support and validation that similar things happened to them.
I talk back and forth with Keith about how my confidence was utterly destroyed when I was a tiny child – about how literally anything out of the box triggered me into intense terror of being judged and ridiculed.
“In fact,” I add a recent example to this lifelong trauma, “just four years ago I walked into a craft store with a friend, and within minutes I nearly melted into a severe panic attack. I did the same thing two years ago when trying to purchase a skirt in San Pedro across the lake.”
I explain to Keith that my creative, right-brain guidance was so destroyed that the idea of stepping out of the box immediately initiates panic and meltdown if I do not have enough left-brain understanding to first hold my hand.
“I remain terrified to do anything out of the box for fear of being wrong or judged,” I express with emphasis.
“Remember the time you went dancing right here in San Marcos?” Keith reminds me of a very fun night.
“Yeah, that was exactly two years ago this week,” I respond with a giggle. “I was with Ray, Skye, Joy, you, and several other magical friends … and I had a blast with profound confidence.”
“I know I have made huge growth,” I emphasize, “but there is still a terrified child inside of me … a frightened child still trapped inside that cultural box. I feel like I was stuffed into a metaphorical “jail cell” as a child, and that every time I did anything that resulted in a negative reaction from others, I made my jail cell smaller, so that I would be safe, never doing “that” again, further restricting my list of allowable activities.”
A Mission With Fear
Somewhere in the middle of this conversation, a huge wave of emotion surfaces out of nowhere.
“Whoa,” I exclaim in shocked tears. “I just had a huge burst of fear overwhelm me.
“Feel the fear and go deeper,” Keith encourages as he begins to turn to work with someone else.
“Why do parents instill so much core fear into their children?” I pose a hypothetical question. “And why do I continue to carry it more than fifty years later?”
I am more or less making a statement of feeling overwhelmed, not really expecting an answer.
“This is one of the powerful things that you came into this life to experience, and to become an expert in,” Keith unexpectedly responds. “And that is why you chose this journey.”
“I know this,” I respond with confidence, “but I am blown away by this new layer of intense childhood emotions.”
As I explore deeply into this emotion, new insights repeatedly surface, showing how this fear literally cripples me to the core, even after all these years.
“This is the reason I rebel against being asked to get off my pillow and do healing work with others,” I ponder with clarity. “Doing so is risky, out of the box, and unsafe … and I was slammed for such behaviors as a child.”
I pass through repeated waves of emotional release and bringing in more light, doing so for at least a half hour or more. Each wave brings increased insight and healing.
Utilizing The Light
“How are you doing now Brenda?” Keith soon checks in with me.
After sharing a few deep insights, which again trigger more emotional release, I explain to Keith how I now understand that this whole topic is a core element of my refusal to cooperate with the light and Higher Energies … that I have an “out of the box terror” lurking at the core of my being.
“I have healed so much,” I continue, “but this pattern is still running the show.”
“Go down inside and find a carrot-like energy,” Keith guides me into a familiar metaphor. “Grab it and pull it out by the roots.”
I have done this several times in the past few years, understanding that some densities in the second chakra can be deeply rooted, harder to remove than some energies in other areas.
I go inside, search for a feeling, an emotion, anything that I can metaphorically grab and pull. Immediately, as I connect with deep agonizing fear, I remember how excruciating this process has been in the past. It was a process involving holding my breath and sobbing while energetically pulling with all the will power I could muster.
I begin to follow the familiar, doing today’s process in the same way, but after about ten seconds of deep emotional struggle, I giggle inside and invite Yoda and mini-Gandalf, along with the rest of my “Fab Four” to join me, asking the light to help me do this the easy way.
Suddenly, the need to pull vanishes. I experience a nice and pleasant energy, feeling as if there is nothing left to pull.
“Am I just scamming myself?” I ask Keith with giggling relief, explaining what just happened.
“No,” Keith smiles back at me, “you just found out that it doesn’t have to be hard when you use the light.”
Giggling Release
Soon, a dear friend begins to giggle with joy in the middle of her own expansion process. Attempting to ride her wave, I start to giggle along with her. As I do so, a HUGE layer of emotional release and dry heaving consumes me, occurring simultaneously with the giggles. When the emotion vanishes, I try to giggle again, and several times, I repeat this crazy laughing and crying at the same time experience.
My friend “Susan” – the one who started the laughter – then turns and tells me that she sees cartoon characters all around me. As I stare into her eyes and listen to her joyful vision, I begin to really giggle, triggering more intense layers of dry heaving. I note with joyful interest that the giggles are stronger than before, and the agony from the release seems less prominent. Then I grab two nearby roles of toilet paper (very important tear-tissue here on the porch) and I hold them up to Susan’s ears, telling her I need her to be “Shrek.” (Don’t try to figure it out … this is an inside joke from earlier in the week.)
Using this wave of humor, I cycle deeper and deeper, repeatedly engaging in involuntary waves of dry-heaving and simultaneous giggling. Finally, after at least ten minutes, the process of release feels complete.
In the middle of this process, I am in a state of near shock regarding all the pain that is inside of me, still being released through me. I know that what has been coming out of me is profound and core stuff.
A Good Place To Start
“Brenda,” Keith then unexpectedly guides me further, “there is a little child inside you right now that is terrified by what you just did … terrified of what is now going to happen because she opened something that got her in trouble in the past. She needs you to pick her up … to hold her and love her.”
Immediately, I grab little Bobby-bear and hug him tightly as I sink into another deep layer of overwhelmingly sad tears. The emotion is so “all-consuming” that I could lose myself in this sadness for the remainder of the day. In fact, I kind of want to do just that.
But I know this is not necessary. After first allowing myself to feel the sadness to the bottom, I ask the light to fill me, and to my delight, the intense sadness simply vanishes. In its place, I bring in a Higher Energy and sit silently for a minute longer before Keith again guides me.
“Brenda,” Keith puzzles me, “now find a part of you that is starving inside.”
I sit with this intriguing question for a minute or two, pondering what inside of me might be starving. The answer seems to be coming through rational mind, but it makes perfect sense. Nevertheless, I doubt myself as I begin to speak.
“My second chakra (lower abdomen) is starving, dead to energy flow for most all of my life,” I respond to Keith. “Is this what you mean?”
“That is a good place to start,” Keith responds without really answering.
Emergency CPR
Almost immediately, I imagine a door leading from the solar plexus region down into the lower abdomen. Soon, I imagine myself pulling the door. As I do so, intuitions tell me it easily swings open, allowing energy to flow in both directions.
“Brenda, find a door or something to open up,” Keith then surprises me with unexpected guidance.
I can only giggle at the timing of his words, and how they so profoundly validate what I am already doing. As I thank Keith, I suddenly realize that I need a door at the bottom of the second chakra too … a door leading down to the root chakra at the base of my spine.
Soon, a giggling scene unfolds before me as I feel inspired to imagine my “Fab Four”, little Bobby, Sharon, Yoda, and mini-Gandalf, all running around inside my belly, doing frantic emergency CPR work here and there, as if saving a drowning victim at the side of the ocean. Yoda is doing CPR on my belly, breathing new energy into me while Gandalf brings in a defibrillator, repeatedly shouting “clear” while shocking me here and there to stimulate new energy heart-beats. Meanwhile, Bobby starts an IV-drip of energetic nourishment, and Sharon repeatedly adds adrenalin to the IV bag to further stimulate an awakening experience.
I repeatedly giggle inside as I imagine this very-real emergency-room scenario bringing new life back to an ignored and starving region of my lower abdomen.
Soon, I feel guided to blow “love bubbles” from my heart, directing them to the lower abdomen. In the process, I also open a third door, from the heart to the solar plexus region. As I visualize this magical scene, I actually feel energy flowing down the front middle of my abdomen, originating from my heart, gently flowing all the way to the lower abdomen. I bask in this magical meditation, over and over blowing more heart bubbles. I clearly feel inner magical beliefs strengthening, while confusion and doubt seem to take a back seat.
Deeper Levels Of Insight
Around 4:00 p.m., a new young woman shows up on the porch, and Keith invites her to stay and join us for an empath training, telling her that he is guided that she needs to be here. I feel the same guidance, clearly knowing that everything happens for a reason.
As the training begins, this new woman asks numerous questions – and every question seems perfectly orchestrated to draw conversation out of Keith – conversation that is profoundly applicable to my ongoing process. Following is a badly paraphrased hypothetical question that Keith then poses as part of the unfolding discussion.
“What do you do when you have things inside you that you are passionate about doing, but when, as an empath, you feel everyone’s judgment telling you that you cannot do that … that it is bad, wrong, etc.? And then, as the empath you are, you take all of that judgmental emotion inside as your own, and feel like you have to stop doing what you know because you don’t want to make others uncomfortable.”
Keith does not need to answer the question. I absolutely cringe inside as I feel the pain of intense self-judgment for being such a broken, “something-is-horribly-wrong-with-me,” people-pleasing, self-loathing loser – finally beginning to really understand that the self-judgment I felt and internalized throughout life mostly came from other sources.
Keith then goes on to talk about the “crab basket” metaphor, sharing an elaborate personal experience matching a common story regarding how crab fishermen simply throw their catch into an open basket, because if one crab tries to escape, the others will reach up and pull it back inside. We, as a culture, do the same to each other, attempting to keep our friends and family inside the consensus reality box.
I watch with delighted giggles as this young woman asks question after question, causing similar answers and insights to flow from Keith. Yeah, I have heard all of this stuff before, but today I need to hear it all again, understanding it at a deeper level.
Repeat Performance Terror
“Wow,” I ponder with recognition, “most of the terror I have carried inside regarding being shut down and judged by others (for me being out of the box) was not physically done through actual actions or words from parents etc. Instead, it was energetically slammed into me when I empathically felt and believed the judgments of others to be my own. No wonder the inner terror is so strong. It stems from empath stuff, and is another major component of my God drama and refusal to open my magic. If I further re-open this empath magic, I feel terror that the same will happen again.”
Earlier today, I had silently giggled at the absurdity of how strong the fear is, even though I have already healed so much … knowing the fear is not true, and that I chose this life journey. But now, I understand the intensity of the conditioning that remains rooted beneath the empath stuff, demanding my refusal to risk further out-of-the-box behavior until I first get validation at the rational-mind level.
For all of my life, I was not safe unless I could justify everything I did with rational-mind logic.
Throat Expansion Surrender
Near the end of the ongoing empath training, a deep scratchy energy suddenly consumes my throat, causing an irrepressible need to cough. I remain silent and hold the cough inside, recognizing the overwhelming surge of energy as some type of throat-chakra opening energy, and I place my hand near the front of my throat.
“Let yourself go there Brenda,” Keith suddenly interrupts the silence.
“Wow, Keith is so aware,” I ponder with a giggle.
After bending forward and allowing a few deep coughs to momentarily consume me, I fully expect huge waves of emotion to surface, but instead, I am quite surprised when I come up for air and breathe in more light energy. I suddenly experience a beautiful relaxing opening sensation that consumes the entire throat region, including a portion of my high heart and chin regions. I feel this energy as a beautiful metaphor of some part of me returning, strengthening my energy field, supporting me in unknown ways.
I do not try to figure any of it out with mind, but instead simply enjoy the sensation as it continues to the very end of the ceremony.
Following The Light
After an exchange of hugs with new friends, and a short congratulatory conversation with Keith, I soon find my self at home, scribbling numerous notes about an unforgettable day. As I ponder the magical events, a new level of understanding starts to sink in.
“I have been focusing mostly on releasing densities and removing inner blocks that have prevented me from bringing in light, and more of who I am,” I ponder. “But I now understand, with increasing clarity, that I need to focus on the light shadow expansion as well.”
“It is a leap-frog approach,” I giggle with understanding. “I absolutely need to release densities that block further light expansion. But it is only when I then actually allow the expansion that more of the remaining blocks will manifest … and NONE of it is driven by head control … not by searching, seeking, or any of that. It is all an effortless surrender to the flow of my own being, and simply following guidance.”
“Once I can allow the light,” I giggle, “the easy bus gets increasingly more fun. I can trust that if I need to involve my head along the way, that guidance will come from Higher Energies, and not the other way around.”
Newfound Flexibility
Saturday, after spending the day in a delightful insight-producing writing of, “A Puzzling Journey With Joy,” I interrupt my editing to spend a few hours socializing over dinner with a couple of magical new friends from Texas – friends I had never physically met two weeks ago – but friends I feel I have known for lifetimes.
Late that evening, after a fabulous, giggling evening of conversation, I finish editing and publishing my latest creation. I love this newfound writing flexibility – and the new friends and feedback effortlessly flowing into my life.
Here in San Marcos, we have been experiencing glimpses of an early rainy season, with many unusual dry-season storms. Tonight is the coldest night ever as I close all doors and windows, put on a sweatshirt, and curl up under three warm blankets – still shivering for much of the night. It is times like this when I appreciate the comfort of airtight walls and windows, and central heating – luxuries that are only an afterthought in this region of the world.
A Large Opportunity
The next morning I spend more than five hours immersing my soul in spiritual movies and music. As I arrive and set up for the first Sunday chocolate ceremony in March, I am shocked by the size of the crowd that begins to gather. At the peak of this unusually large ceremony, more than forty-five people crowd the tiny space, including a number of people overflowing onto the garden steps.
We squish together, and I soon give away all my extra cushions and most of my cushy space. Soon, I am so crowded that I begin to feel somewhat claustrophobic. Before long – way before I normally begin to feel physical discomfort – I start to ache and hurt, nearly everywhere, but mainly in my back.
My seat is NOT uncomfortable, but I quickly find myself annoyed, distracted, emotionally disconnected, energetically empty, and profoundly pouting about the physical pains that consume my body. I HURT all over … especially on the backside of my heart!
Suddenly, I remember something my friend Susan had said to me in conversation last night – about how the back of her heart chakra shut down just before she realized she was eating emotional densities from others on a public boat here at the lake.
Intuitions strongly whisper that I am probably eating emotional energy from this large group on the porch. Given my recent processing from Friday, it only makes sense that the Universe would now give me ample opportunity to experience the sheer terror of uncontrollably consuming dense energies from others. But I am not yet quite sure just what is happening to me.
A Quiet Painful Journey
“I need to figure out how to stop reading energy so intensely … or eating it … or whatever,” I ponder with determination.
I am really confused and not trusting much of anything right now.
“Wait,” I respond to my own thoughts. “This is God drama, the game I play with Higher Energy. I am NOT going back to that state of lacking trust and having no confidence. I KNOW who I am. I CAN bring in light.”
I vacillate back and forth between trust and panic. When I am connected with the light, feeling trust, the pains are much smaller.
Open, Closed, Open, Closed
Finally, Keith glances my way, and I express intense confusion regarding the pains, asking him for guidance.
“Brenda,” Keith responds with unexpected insight, “with your new levels, you are now starting to open more of your very strong group-empath connections. It is a regular smorgasbord of density on the porch today, with so many people and so much emotion.”
Keith soon mentions that there is a very strong empath presence on the porch today. As he does so, I receive deep inner confirmation that I am working with opening more of my group empath stuff … and that I am literally freaking out about it.
I feel open and relaxed for a while, and then fear comes back and I experience intense pain and tightness. Then I open … then shut … then open … and then shut. I can easily recognize which state I am in, based on the pains I do or do not feel.
Then my friend Susan gestures from afar that she can sense my heart opening and closing. (In a later, post-ceremony conversation she fills me in with details of how she kept feeling me open and then shut down a little, but with confidence she tells me that each time my heart opened, it opened further than the time before.)
Clucking Chickens
Finally, recognizing that this is a journey I must make, I commit to myself that I am DONE playing this God-drama game (at least for today).
“I am going to embrace this magic,” I reassure myself. “This is a profound opportunity to practice, to experience fear, to feel energies, to understand what is happening inside. Even though I am freaking out, cycling into and out of tears from all of the pains I am eating, I CAN learn from this if I get out of my way.”
As I try to sink deeper into meditation, I ponder how, just a few minutes ago, Keith had confirmed that I am eating this density from all over the porch. It is literally freaking me out … but I do NOT want protection. Instead, I want to find a way to engage the magic in a fun, effortless, divinely protected way. I begin to imagine my “white bird” metaphor, helping me to focus on keeping the energetic assemblage point out in front of me – but my heart is still hurting, and I am not fully engaging in my magic.
Finally, I imagine myself walking into my magical “fun house,” stepping into a section where there is a haunted mansion or spook alley – one filled with real “ghosts” – real densities swarming toward me to attack me. I visualize myself as having unlimited Higher-Being support, surrounding me, handling the density for me.
Again, I experience waves of peaceful opening … then fear and closing … more opening and peace … more fear and closing … on and on.
Through this experience, emotions are intense as I pass through occasional waves of deep sobbing. Often, I glance at my dear friend Susan, remembering a fun metaphor she had suggested last night at dinner.
“In order to distract your rational mind, try imagining all of the people in the room as being something very illogical … like a porch filled with chickens,” Susan has suggested to me in that delightful dinner conversation.
As I look at Susan, imagining her and others as all being clucking chickens – white chickens – she giggles and I laugh back. As usual, the laugher launches me into rapid waves of emotional density release.
A Vision Of Dementors
As I sit imagining myself in this spook alley, being swarmed by density ghosts, letting go of fear and learning to trust that Higher Dimensional friends are here to help, a new metaphor suddenly graces my mind. It is another return to magical Harry Potter – a metaphor of profound applicability to my present process.
I feel guided into memories from the book and movie “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.” In this story, there is a prison for doers of evil magic – a prison called Azkaban. Guarding that prison are frightening flying creatures called Dementors. In this book, the Dementors had been brought to guard Hogwarts – the magic school where Harry was studying. On his way there, on the train to Hogwarts for that third year of study, Harry had his first encounter with a Dementor who unexpectedly attacked him on the train. As I remember the movie scene, experiencing the visual in my body, I feel the agony of that Dementor sucking the joy and life force out of Harry’s body – stopping only when interrupted. It feels so familiar.
Filling In The Blanks
Following this magical thread of insight, I continue letting ideas unfold, first remembering other scenes in the movie where Harry, and others, were nearly drained to death by the life-sucking terror of a flying Dementor. Next, I remember several scenes where Harry learned and utilized a spell called a “Patronus Charm” – a spell in which Harry was coached to find and immerse himself into deep heart feeling of the most loving memory from his life. Once in that heart space, Harry then needed to wave his wand and repeat the words ‘Expecto Patronum.’
I then repeatedly flash to a scene from the movie, where Professor Lupin was assisting Harry in learning and working with the spell, using a magical creature called a Boggart, which changes appearance in order to become the viewer’s greatest fear – which in the case of Harry was a Dementor. Thus, Harry was able to practice without using a real Dementor.
Over and over, Harry practiced until he finally locked that perfect feeling into his heart, and a magical creature of light flew out of his wand to effortlessly scare away the Dementor (or in this case the Boggart very realistically pretending to be a Dementor).
One final point of interest is that, with the Boggart, once the fear was successfully overcome, the way to vanquish it was to find a way to make it turn into something really funny, and to then laugh, causing it to disappear back into its armoire.
An Inside Job – Again
“Wow,” I ponder with shocking resonance, “what I am experiencing today with these densities swarming around the room feels exactly as if they are landing on me and sucking out my joy and life force – as if I have no choice – as if I am a victim who will surely die if something does not change.”
Every time in my life when I have begun to break free of conditioning, to be joyful and powerful, I literally feel as if a Dementor has blindsided me from nowhere, sucking out my energy and will, my joy and power, leaving me as a crumpled blob of flesh piled limply on the ground.
After each instance, I would somehow find a way to recover, to start anew, but just as I neared the goal, yet another Dementor would strike.
“Wow,” I ponder, “I clearly understand why there is so much repressed anger beneath the surface in my God drama – anger at Higher Energies for turning me loose in a world full of energy-sucking, joy-draining Dementors, without first giving me any survival training.”
Of course I know I chose all of this; but to that wounded child in me, this anger and pain are very real – as is the terror of opening this magic again, absolutely knowing that if I do, I will be overwhelmed by attacking Dementors, just as I feel today.
“I have a conscious choice,” I ponder with determination. “I can continue to remain angry … refusing to embrace the light shadow and joy until this horrendous mis-justice is first repaired and apologized for. I can insist that I will not cooperate until the Light Shadow rescues me. I can remain the poor victim, being so pathetic that the light will have to step in to rescue me.”
“But wait,” I consider the second option. “The light is and always has been there just waiting for me to embrace it. I chose this journey. I set up this game. I wanted to get lost in this density until I found my way out – so that I can help others to do the same. The light WILL NOT rescue me. It is my responsibility to drop this insane game – my responsibility to find my most loving memory and to practice my very own Patronus Charm.”
Creating Magic
With determination and self-love in my heart, I imagine myself in the scene where the Boggart is in the armoire, and Harry is standing there with Professor Lupin, trying to learn the Patronus Charm. I begin to search for happiest memories. I first imagine genuinely loving my mother at age four. Then I switch to an evening where a large group of friends gathered to give me a magical, unconditionally loving sendoff as I began my travels in June 2009. Soon, I imagine all of the beautiful people I have met along the way, the ones with whom I have bonded so deeply. Each thought adds more profound love to my heart.
This is not a mental experience – it is a deep immersion into actual experienced loving feelings. So much love fills my heart as I go deeper and deeper.
From inside this state of profound love, I ask Professor Lupin to let the Boggart out of the closet. I imagine myself holding a wand and repeating the words, “Expecto Patronum.” To my delight, I feel a magical little white dove, made out of light, flying out of my heart. The beautiful white bird stops briefly, three feet in front of me, and then suddenly darts all over the porch, effortlessly touching and transmuting all of the densities that would have otherwise continued onward toward me.
“It really is all magic,” I ponder with a giggle. “All I need to do is overflow in my heart with pure genuine love. Once that energy is present, the very intent of my heart will do the rest, sending a magical white dove of light to magically do what I cannot do with the mind.”
As this meditative scene unfolds in front of me, I feel my heart open as the overwhelming pains subside to nothingness. I truly understand this empath magic from an entirely new perspective … and it is profoundly real.
“Duh,” I ponder, “in order to embrace my magic, I need to raise my vibrations, express my intent, and then get out of the way. The hard part is making the conscious choice to bring that love back into my heart. This is a choice that remains quite difficult when I am lost in the pains.”
New Levels Of Magical Understanding
I bask in this giggling energy for the remainder of the chocolate ceremony. I often imagine laughing at that Dementor as it changes back into a Boggart and runs to hide back in the armoire. At least for now, this situation has no power.
Later in the ceremony, when the opportunity presents itself, I eagerly share my new metaphors – doing so with excitement. I have reached a new level of magic – a new level of understanding. Right now, I am completely unattached as to whether this level is permanent or temporary. The unconditional love that created that magical Patronus continues to resonate and radiate from my heart. Nothing else matters in this moment. Nothing else is even on the radar.
What began two days ago as an innocent fear of asking questions during the ceremony on Friday, soon evolved into an understanding of how, throughout life, I gave my power away out of sheer terror. I was terrified to step out of the left-brain box all by myself, causing me to develop an unhealthy dependence on the approval of others.
Then an interesting twist of synchronicity led to a profound tie-in showing me how the resulting self-judgment was intricately related to my empath magic – abilities that I have pretended were not there – abilities that have continued to exacerbate a lifelong pattern of self-hatred, loss of joy, betrayal, and heartache – abilities leaving me feeling as if a Dementor had attacked me.
Who would have thought that my writing on Saturday, a social dinner that same night, and a chocolate ceremony today would then tie in so beautifully, leading me to the core depths of a group empath experience that literally overwhelmed me?
Why, I would have thought that, of course.
A State Of Heart
As I prepare to leave the porch on this first Sunday evening in March, Sarah and Keith come running up from the garden, giggling with excitement as they announce that Volcan Fuego is erupting in the far distance, and is visible from Keith’s gate area. It was exactly a week ago that many of us walked down to the boat dock to view the thin glow of lava at the top of Volcan Atitlan. Now, this other volcano in the distance, one quite close to Antigua at perhaps thirty miles away, is spouting fireworks of lava displaying an orange glowing dance of active energy, one that is quite visible in the fading sunset.
I love the Mother Earth metaphors – the symbolism of old energies surfacing from the depths, reemerging to the light. I clearly recognize my journey is perfectly and synchronously timed with these natural events.
With increased velocity, new energies and understandings are awakening and opening inside. I remain partially shutdown to the physical awareness of much of my magic, but I feel the rumblings inside, I feel the belief systems and God drama crumbling, and I feel new hope emerging and flowing as magical metaphors profoundly guide the rational mind to participate in a fun and exciting way.
In what began today as an agonizing smorgasbord of painful and dense emotional energies, I have been guided from within to a new level of understanding – one that is so simple and obvious, yet one that has been so elusive, and will likely continue to be so in the near future.
The key to the journey is in raising my vibrations to a point where profound unconditional love lives and resonates in my heart. In such a place, lower vibrations cannot dwell. In the last three days, magical experiences have synchronously guided me one huge step closer, giving me undeniable glimpses-of-grace of such a state of heart.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved