Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “Stories About Stories.”
I am up early on this final day of March 2013, still feeling giggly and detached from the stories of my past. As I later set up Keith’s porch for a Sunday afternoon public chocolate ceremony, I continue to experience a nice flow of energy.
During the usual “Glow Meditation,” I am somewhat puzzled. Keith had commented on my very nice energy, and yes, I am still feeling that, but part of me is expecting more, wondering “what next” after having had such a beautiful experience on Friday. It was an experience where I had gone from the depths of inner agony to a profound “magical-but-ordinary” experience of no-longer identifying with the personality self, and the stories behind it.
Deep curiosity swirls in my soul as I ponder this “what next” question. I feel no attachment to whether the next step is more expansion, or perhaps back to emotional densities and blockages. Perhaps what entices me most is the complete absence of knowing or caring, combined with pure surrender and trust that I am in a divine flow … and that part of my process today is to NOT know, and to perhaps have absolutely nothing happen at all.
Intense Tiring Nights
I observe and hold space while Keith works with many others. As I send energy from afar, I begin to experience a great deal of pain in my lower chakras. For a few seconds I start to believe that more of my own emotional density is surfacing, but then intuitions remind me to check in with my heart.
“My heart is open, vibrating, and relaxed,” I ponder. “What I feel in my belly is just someone else’s density.”
I quickly get out of my head, trusting this intuitive insight, and return to following the flow. I remain in surrender and trust.
Soon, a friend asks Keith about his recent string of intense and tiring nights, with strange dreams, overwhelming energies, and an inability to sleep. Almost immediately, three other friends pipe in and indicate that they too have the same thing going on in their life. I remain silent, simply observing, but I too resonate deeply with the words being spoken. The discussion is interesting and fascinating, but still does not trigger anything profound in my process.
Inner Giggles Of Expectancy
Finally, feeling an intuitive hunch, I focus on relaxing my body, especially my arms. As I do so, I experience intense squeamys (squirming and screaming at the cellular level) in both my forearms and in my solar plexus. The more I relax and surrender, the more this sensation of panic attack overwhelms me. This goes on for more than an hour before I finally speak up and ask Keith if he can offer any suggestions.
Keith indicates that he feels this is an opportunity for me to allow another higher level, perhaps my Higher Self or some other being, to come and help me.
“You are learning to trust higher assistance,” Keith encourages me. “Just follow metaphors and inner threads, doing whatever you feel guided to do.”
I was hoping for more concrete guidance, but I surrender and accept Keith’s reminder that this is an inner journey that I must make. Remembering the profound experience I had on Friday, I further relax and ask Higher Energies to work with me in the same way, giving me another glimpse into that beautiful magic. The very thought inspires a fun giggle of expectancy.
Embracing And Sharing
After a while, still feeling hopeful expectancy, but also still mired in deep inner panic attack, I watch and observe as Keith works with a young woman near my seat. In fact, I assist in translating some of Keith’s words into Spanish.
This young woman is in deep emotional release, and my solar plexus is simultaneously hurting a lot. I attempt to hold space, sharing energy while continuing to observe my own pains. My solar plexus pulses with agony, and I again believe the pain to be my own.
Right around this time, a dear friend leans over and asks if I will assist her with some intense stuff. I hesitate, giving her a wishy-washy “not right now” answer, believing I need to continue working with my own squeamys and solar plexus pain. After my friend returns to her seat, I begin to think about what I just did, feeling a little guilty for turning my friend away. I know I want to help her, and I begin to recognize a pattern of focusing on my density as a way to scam myself out of embracing and sharing my inner power with others.
A few minutes later, I lean over and invite my friend to occupy a now-empty cushion directly to my left. I abandon focus on my own inner pains and begin to share energy with my dear friend. In fact, I will spend the remainder of the ceremony sharing energy with her, doing so without having a clue as to what I am doing, simply following occasional inner hunches telling me to place a hand here or there, while constantly focusing on increasing my own Higher Energy connection to my heart.
Empathic Insights
Meanwhile, Keith continues working with the other young woman seated near to me. In this midst of this process, Keith asks the group for feedback on what they are feeling from this girl. As he asks the question, Keith points to his own body, indicating that the young woman is processing a great deal of density stored in this location in her body. But Keith is seated with his back to me.
“I didn’t see where you are pointing,” I immediately volunteer, “but my belly is hurting like crazy … twitching and pulsing with deep agonizing pain.”
Immediately, the young woman speaks up and tells me that this is exactly where she is hurting.
“You mean I am reading this from her?” I point to my solar plexus and ask Keith.
“Yes,” Keith responds immediately.
Within seconds, several other people tell me that they feel the exact same pain.
Painful Lessons
As I continue sharing energy with my dear friend, the pains in my body do not disappear. At one point, with my lower abdomen churning wildly – so much so that I am struggling – I again ask Keith for guidance, telling him I think I am just “reading” this pain from someone else, but am no longer sure. Keith quickly agrees that the pain is not mine, and that I am reading it.
“Is there something I can do or work with inside that will help me to do this with less pain inside me?” I beg Keith for assistance. “I love helping someone I love with these pains … and I love that I am not judging what I feel, knowing that I am just reading it … and I will continue to do this with unconditional love …”
“But is this intense pain necessary for my educational process, or can I learn to do it in an easier way?” I plead for clarity.
“I will check my guidance on that,” Keith begins to respond before I even finish asking the question.
But in the moment I mention “educational process,” Keith lights up and tells me that I just answered my own question.
“It is NOT necessary to feel the pain this strongly for your learning,” Keith shares, “but you believe it is necessary for your education to do so … and this is why the pain is so strong, because you think you need it to be strong in order to trust and learn what you are doing.”
As I continue assisting my friend, the pains in my body never diminish. I find it fascinating to know that it is my own engrained beliefs telling me that I must feel the pain strongly in order to trust what I am doing. Part of me is actually quite grateful that I feel the pains so strongly, because I know myself well enough to know that I would not have learned the lesson if the pains had not been so intense. But I also recognize that I need to shift this belief. I will not want to be a healer if the pains continue to be as strong when I assist others.
As I contemplate the intense pains, I realize that my heart hurts with a tiny pinch, and that I am not fully feeling the higher vibes. Intuitions remind me just how critical it is for me to raise my vibrations – that doing so will make this whole process a whole lot easier.
Building Trust
I continue to share energy with my friend until the very end of the chocolate ceremony. One time, when I briefly glance at Keith, he unexpectedly congratulates me, telling me that I am doing profound healing work on my friend.
“Keith,” I respond with confusion. “I have no clue what I am doing. All I am doing is sharing energy and holding space.”
“It is perfect and really helping her,” Keith confirms his earlier words.
My friend never does give me verbal feedback, but I have repeatedly observed her body language giving me feedback in other forms. I have often noticed that when I move my hands here and there, that she responds by going deeper into her release process. In fact, she goes extremely deep, more deeply than I have ever seen her go before, and I know inside that my energy is somehow giving her permission to reach this depth.
Finally, Keith spends a few minutes directly working with my friend, validating where she is at, and indirectly validating more of my own unexpressed intuitions. Soon, I begin to speak, commenting that in many ways, I see my friend as being in a place quite similar to where I was at just a few nights ago – at the bottom of a rebellious God-drama tantrum, ready to give up on the world. I begin to share my own experience of bringing in self-love, and of magical and unexpected transmutation of stories. When I begin this verbal sharing, Keith moves on. I intuitively sense Keith’s unspoken confirmation that I should continue what I am doing, and his trust that my friend is in good hands.
“Wow,” I later ponder in my apartment. “What a powerful day it was today. I got so much experience through painfully reading the emotional densities of others, and I developed a great deal of trust … not needing to involve rational mind as much … receiving magical feedback … simply surrendering to following and not knowing, but somehow knowing at a different level.”
Trusting On The Inside
Monday afternoon, April 1, 2013, I again find myself on Keith’s porch, this time for a workgroup session where we skip the normal introductions and get right to work … except we don’t.
Around fourteen people are present, and after drinking our chocolate, we simply sit around and talk for the first hour and a half. In the past, I would have judged such a delay, considering it to be an annoying waste of my time … but today, I actually enjoy participating in the casual, jovial conversations. It seems that everyday, more social confidence is waking up inside me.
Finally, at around 2:00 p.m. we go into a long silent period of meditation. Eventually, Keith breaks the silence, announcing that he is now open for people to request assistance.
“Keith,” I immediately speak up. “I would like to go to another level of what I have been working with. I feel some continued squeamy resistance in my forearms and abdomen. I am not in my head or stories, and am not feeling any guidance right now. But I was wondering if you can suggest anything to help me take my recent growth to another level.”
Keith guides me inside, encouraging me to bring in more light. But then he quickly turns me loose, telling me to feel what the light does … observe … follow … just trusting myself.
“This is another opportunity to NOT know,” Keith guides me. “Just trust and follow what happens without understanding with rational mind.”
I was hoping for more concrete guidance, but again surrender to the realization that at this stage of my process, no one else is going to give me what I have to learn to find on the inside, all by myself.
Self-Love, Trust, Allowing, Following
I focus on inner self-love, trusting, allowing, and simply following with expectancy. Gradually, as I do so, the squeamys in my abdomen and forearms get stronger and stronger. As I feel this cellular level screaming and squirming, I sense the intense inner fear that surrounds the idea of opening up these blockages in my body.
But in the absence of clear guidance, I continue to focus on self-love, listening to intuitions, not knowing, allowing, trusting, and more self-love … self-love … and self-love.
In fact, the more I feel love for myself, the more I seem to experience unknown inner energy movements – energy that I could only describe as “raining tingles of tickles” – like tiny droplets of rain falling mainly in my head, neck, and shoulders.
Eventually, I feel as if some energy is breathing in and out of my third-eye chakra at the center of my forehead. The sensation is mild and relaxing, with more tingling in this spot than I remember ever before.
I also recognize that a lot of inner fear remains inside, with some of it surfacing now. I am tired of the fear … tired of the fifty-eight years of clenching … tired of the panic attacks that seem to happen every time I near a state of relaxation. As I ponder this “tiredness,” I realize that it is more like a state of hopelessness – a hopelessness that I will never be able to relax and open these rebellious, stuck areas of my body.
But still, I focus on self-love, repeatedly reminding myself that all of this clenching is just a story – reminding myself that on Friday, that Higher Energy and love had transmuted a huge amount of the story with a feeling of divine grace.
“I just had to keep bringing in self-love, relaxing, allowing, and trusting … and it happened all by itself, just like magic,” I remind myself of what Happened only three days ago.
Clenching Closures
I remain in this same state throughout the ceremony, experiencing intense squeamys in the forearms and solar plexus, while loving myself, trusting the flow, not knowing, and not judging … simply surrendering to what is.
It is nearly 5:00 p.m. when Keith unexpectedly decides to conduct a training for two women who have never before participated in an “empath training.”
Wow, the situation could not have been more perfect. As I contemplate following along with the training, I find myself in a new level of fear … no, make that terror at the idea of participating. As a result of this unexpected panic, I mostly observe, completely skipping phase one, and only partially focusing during the next two phases. But during the final stages where Keith does a lot more talking, I perk up and listen with deep focus.
I have heard Keith’s words hundreds of times before. He shares how, as empaths, we are terrified of more love because we have learned that opening to more love means that we will eat more emotional garbage; so therefore, even though we say we want more love, we will not allow it until we first clean up the inner distortions around our empath abilities.
I suddenly realize that my clenching – the intense and inexplicable clenching that not only involves arms and belly, but also includes hips, feet, calves, thighs, shoulders, neck, jaw, forehead, and nearly every other voluntary and involuntary muscle in my body – well all of that clenching seems to be focused on preventing my energy flows so that I will not be able to take in more emotional garbage.
Body Clenching Clues
But the deepest insight begins to flow as Keith answers a question that one of the women has regarding a pain in her hip, and indirectly regarding energies from Mother Earth. Keith tells her that in her case, most of her intuition and insight came from the “Divine Mother.” Keith points out that her hip began to hurt when she earlier released densities from her abdomen. She was subconsciously attempting to prevent those energies from coming up from the earth, desperate to protect herself from opening what had caused her problems in the past.
Suddenly, all of my clenching begins to take on new meaning. For most of my life I have felt a near-energetic-deadness from the heart down – sensing almost no energy in the lower half of my body, and very little energy in the arms, shoulders, neck, jaw, and forehead.
Then I remember how, at around age ten, I literally began to clench my entire body, walking pigeon-toed, hunching forward, and walking as if I were in a speed-walking competition. I developed a complete inability to relax … one that has never fully dissipated.
Nonstop Intuitive Insights
“Keith,” I interrupt at an appropriate moment. “Everything you have said to her was also being spoken directly to me.
Tears begin to stream down my cheeks as I continue.
“For the first time ever,” I tell Keith, “I realize that ALL of my clenching was a protection to shut down not only energy flow to and from Mother Earth, but that it also shut down the source of my intuition, and empath sensitivities too. All of those things got me into huge trouble. And the horrendous shame I experienced from being pigeon-toed, and from having big forearms and calves (they swelled up with the clenching) … all of that was subconsciously created energy blockages for which terror continues to keep them locked up.”
“Behind the clenching are absolute “Pandora’s Box” nightmares that are being hidden and protected by this clenching,” I throw in another insight.
“The word “control” is coming to me.” Keith quickly adds. “You always had to control your environment to protect yourself too.”
Suddenly I realize that this is why I was an obnoxious rule-robot, a tattletale, avoiding parties, people pleasing … all of it. I was trying to keep things safe from extreme emotions … trying to avoid fighting, confrontation, disagreement, and any interaction where I might slurp up surrounding emotion.
“And a lot of my social dysfunctions are because I took things in and believed myself to be horribly broken,” I share with Keith. “I could not relate to others and was “uptight” in extreme ways – physically, emotionally, and socially – and I could not have fun because it hurt.”
Tiring And Exhausting
As I continue talking, several people chime in, deeply relating, telling me that I am describing their stories too. I feel the energetic resonance. I finally understand much more of my fifty-eight years of struggle … why I still annoy some people on the porch … why I still try to keep the porch running smoothly. The subconscious need to control, for my own safety, is still causing me to be uptight, serious, and protective. This is the root of most all of my lifelong social habits that I hate and that continue to sometimes get me in trouble.
I share more details about a life struggle with uncontrollable clenching, fast-walking, fast-talking, and fast-doing.
“Keith, in my late teen years I spent nearly two years of intense, consciously-focused, extreme self-dedication just learning NOT to walk pigeon toed,” I beg for guidance. “But the rest remains on autopilot. I seem to have no control over it, and it requires extreme effort just trying to be normal.”
“And it is very tiring, requiring a great deal of energy,” Keith adds more insight.
“I seem to be on edge all the time,” I continue exploring the exhaustion. “I cannot sleep on planes, buses, or with others around. If someone is even touching me, I simply cannot relax. This is why I am so protective of my space on the porch. It triggers intense panic.”
“And I was never able to consistently meditate before finding chocolate,” I continue sharing. “Frequently when I tried, I went into panic. Deep relaxed breathing triggered a panic attack. Attempting to relax my arms triggered freak-out panic. Chocolate is the only thing that helps me to focus in meditation.”
Keith and I have a beautiful talk about these profound insights. I am deeply emotional through much of the conversation, releasing many of the emotions that surface. One woman later tells me that my insights deeply helped her, giving me beautiful and specific feedback.
New Joy, New Energy, Continued Clenching
As the ceremony concludes, Keith congratulates me for how I stayed out of my head today, pointing out how I did profound work without knowing anything … allowing the knowing to come spontaneously at the end.
The understanding came in ways outside of rational mind. I have known this stuff at an intellectual level for some time, but now I am literally feeling it rather than knowing it. The inner experiential knowing is deep and clear.
I walk home with one woman who had given me beautiful feedback. We have a magical connection and a fun chat. She is leaving San Marcos very soon, so I may never see her again, but I love the instant heart connection.
Later, to celebrate with my inner children, I treat myself to a burger and fries at my favorite eating place. I enjoy a fun chat with the restaurant owner before sitting with him to watch the final ten minutes of a political-satire-comedy segment on television.
I shock myself when I begin to spontaneously laugh out loud. Something has really shifted inside me. My head and shoulders feel more relaxed, and inner joy is bursting at the seams, surprising even me.
When I return home, I am physical tired, but emotionally lighter. Yet most of my body is again uptight and clenched. But more energies are flowing in my body, and a different energy has taken up residence in my head. This new energy is somewhat overwhelming – yet very clarifying. Words cannot describe it.
Lingering Insights
As I later prepare for bed, I remember another key insight Keith had shared during our conversation about my body clenching. He had hinted that my understanding of this clenching is getting right down to the core of the power loss in my magical theme park.
“Work with it in this way,” Keith had encouraged me.” Follow whatever metaphors come up to turn that power back on.”
“But Keith,” I had responded with discouragement. “I don’t seem to get anywhere when trying to put in plugs or replace fuses etc…, I feel like those metaphors just engage the mind and then my head gets in the way.”
Keith responds by suggesting that maybe I should just keep doing what I have done in the last two ceremonies … just continuing to bring in more love and trust, not needing to know anything in the rational mind.
In response to another comment where I said something about having “killed” this magical power as a child, Keith had countered by suggesting that I see it as “having cut the power lines and blocked this power … not killed it.”
I love these new insights, drifting off to sleep with them still lingering in my mind.
Butterflies And Caterpillars
After spending a magical Tuesday writing and publishing “Choosing The Butterfly,” I feel guided to watch an internet video that one of my friends posted on Facebook. I have loved Adyashanti’s teachings in the past, and today, what I find in the video is perfect for where I am at in my ongoing “waking-up” process. Adyashanti even asks the extremely appropriate question, “Will the butterfly still care about the caterpillar?” – a question right in line with what I barely finished writing – with pointing out that in order to become the butterfly, one must make the conscious choice to stop being a caterpillar. It is a question raising my own fear, a fear that, “If I am a butterfly, will I still be able to relate to others who have not yet embraced their own wings?”
Following is a link to this beautiful video if you would like to watch it for yourself. I highly recommend it.
http://www.cultureunplugged.com/documentary/watch-online/play/1513/Adyashanti
Restless Nights
Wednesday morning, I wake up at around 3:00 a.m., with lots of energy, and I do mean lots of energy flowing in my abdomen and other parts of my body. The energy feels like fear and emotional density, combined with Higher Energies – as if the Higher Energies are working with the other energies – as if I am on the Goddess’s operating table, having things adjusted inside me.
There is no mental understanding or intuition surrounding what is going on. It is just an intense flow and vibration – one that triggers some twitching and squeamy sensations in my belly, arms, and legs.
I struggle to return to sleep. It seems that these restless nights with broken sleep are becoming a regular occurrence.
Deeply Stuck
During the early ninety minutes of a Wednesday afternoon chocolate ceremony, I feel semi-disconnected, with deep and uncomfortable pains in my abdomen. I am proud of myself, however, for remembering to check in with my heart before judging myself as I often do. My heart is open, so I believe I am just reading the painful emotions of others.
But it HURTS … and I feel incapable of bringing in more love to help me work with the pain. I feel helpless, stuck, and forever doomed to experience such pain.
As we begin the individual-work portion of the ceremony, I hold my belly as I glance up at Keith.
“I am reading this, aren’t I?” I beg for confirmation.
“Yes,” Keith smiles back at me.
“Is there some way you can help me to make it less painful?” I ask what is now a familiar question.
“Make some dials and turn down the intensity,” Keith shocks me with a new metaphor.
“I can do that?” I ask with shock.
I again ask Keith for assistance a short while later. I indicate that I have been successful in turning the dials down with the pain but that I am still stuck. He coaches me to ask the light to help transmute the pain. I try this, but cannot feel any light entering or any pain dissolving. I am deeply stuck.
An Overactive Brat
Meanwhile, a young man sitting near me is extremely active today. I have no idea what he is really doing on the inside, or whether he is doing real work at all, but from my vantage point, I perceive him as a distracted little boy who wants attention. He is crying, fidgeting, making vocal noises, moving around, pulling a friend out of her process, distracting, whimpering, making more sounds, more moving, and more fidgeting … constantly … nonstop.
I am going crazy with my inner judgments, being unable to focus, and silently projecting blame onto this young man. I really want to turn to him, tap him on the shoulder, and ask him to please sit still.
In fact, I am feeling deep anger toward him, but I realize it is not really about him … that it is not about what it is about. Nonetheless, I am deeply annoyed by him, and secretly wish Keith would ask him to behave. I see that he is distracting many people on this end of the porch. I can see it in their body language.
“This is my creation,” I remind myself over and over. “He is playing out a role for me. It is a very annoying and frustrating role, but it is being acted out just for me.”
As I go inside, I soon begin to realize that this distraction is originating inside of me, and then projected outward. I have a similar teenage boy, and young child, inside of me – a boy begging for attention, throwing a quiet tantrum of helplessness, hoping someone will step in to assist me.
As I concentrate with the intention to send love to this inner boy, I feel deep judgment, refusing to send him love. Instead, I want to be angry with that dysfunctional, overactive little brat.
“Wow,” I ponder, “I thought I had learned to love that teenage boy in me.”
An Insane Inner War
“This is about control, about the clenching that I am trying to relax … to understand … to heal,” I ponder deeper. “And it is about the anger, knowing that if I embrace the empowered, joyful, unconditionally-loving me, that this pitiful behavior will never stop. In fact, something inside demands that it will get worse.”
“I feel terrified to drop the clenching and the control,” I continue feeling new insights. “And a part of me is really angry that I want to stop it.”
Wow, I am right in the middle of the God/separation drama decision point again. The “small me” is demanding my attention, rejecting the powerful me, feeling quite fearful and angry. My body hurts all over … the abdomen, chest, and throat areas feel tight and stretched. I feel as if I am again going stir crazy in this insane inner war.
An Almost Smile
Finally, perhaps halfway through a very nice ceremony, Keith glances at me and I explain what is happening inside.
“It is like I am at another level of what I did on Friday,” I share with Keith. “I am again at that choice point. The small-me is raging, terrified that giving up control means a life of painful chaos, and that more power means more empath pain.”
“It is not another layer,” Keith shocks me with his insight. “You brought the other stuff back.”
“I am trying to return to the self-love, to bring in more light, but I am so stuck. Nothing is working right now.” I express my confusion. “Do you have any advice?”
“Just sit with it,” Keith tells me.
I sit in silence as Keith moves on, desperately trying to raise my vibrations. All efforts to surrender and feel more love simply fall flat.
“Brenda,” Keith eventually interrupts, “what just happened a few minutes ago.”
“I’m not sure what you mean,” I respond with a puzzled look.
“You almost let yourself smile,” Keith responds.
“Oh yeah,” I respond with a giggle. “I was starring at Bobby bear, trying to smile, imagining him as Steven helping me to bring in relaxation and Higher Energies … but it wasn’t working.”
More Empath Surprises
With Keith’s prompting, I return to this attempt to smile. As I do so, I slowly feel increasing desire to release and share more of my heart power to others on the porch, doing so in a generic group-level way. Gradually, I begin to feel more joy and a smile returns to my face. But I continue to experience physical pains, and I remain very exhausted from very little sleep over the last few nights. I am still not fully letting go of the small storytelling me … but I AM doing much better.
Keith soon points out that he is noticing my higher vibration shift, and I fill him in on my process. He then surprises me by mentioning that a nearby woman has been helping me release my densities.
As I continue my focus on sharing more love with this woman, my heart begins to feel more alive, but I experience a great deal of tight pain in the upper chest and bottom of my throat. I am shocked a few minutes later when Keith begins to talk about this woman’s own blockage, pointing to her upper chest and throat. (I have not yet told him about my new pains.)
“You mean this is me reading her intense blockage?” I ask with surprise while holding my hand on my upper chest and throat.
“Yes,” Keith responds matter-of-factly.
A Convincing Lie
“Ouch, this hurts,” I ponder in shock. “I think I am involved in this insane inner battle because I am opening to more power and love, which is causing me to open more of my empath sensitivities. As a result, I am freaking out that it hurts more, causing me to lose trust because I still do not know what I am doing. Therefore, I am rebelling against power/ love/ and joy, blocking my ability to bring in light because in the short term, my unhealed empath abilities are making things worse.”
I see that my whole journey began with empath stuff hurting deeply as a baby, causing me to reject light and love, blocking the very Higher Power that is now the answer to my healing and joy. I have had repeated recent experiences showing me that this is a lie, that the inner power does not have to hurt. It can be magically fun, enjoyable, and energizing.
But today, I am forgetting that knowing … insisting that I will NOT embrace the powerful-me because I KNOW it will hurt me.
“This is a story,” I remind myself. “It is an eff-ing lie, but in my present state, it is a very convincing lie.”
I do my best to be in my power for the remainder of the ceremony, but I continue to feel the “reading” pains from other peoples’ densities … and to feel confused and doubtful.
A Frustrated Smile
Repeatedly, I invite and attempt to feel the same energy that had brought me such magical freedom on Friday, but I am not able to feel any of it today.
Intuitions whisper that this is a part of my journey … to get so low that I will then take another step forward into even more power, joy, and love.
Right now, I am desperate, hopeless, confused, and clueless, yet I trust that I am in a perfect place. I don’t have a clue what I am doing. It feels frightening, mind-boggling, upside-down, and painful, and I want out.
“But I want IN,” I ponder in trust. “I know that what is happening is perfect. I know that this is preparing me for another leap forward, taking me to a new level of surrender and not-knowing.”
“This non-rational-mind stuff is confusing,” I ponder with a frustrated smile.
At 5:00 p.m., I rush home for a quick dinner, after which I hurry back to Keith’s home to assist in bagging another three-hundred pounds of chocolate. As I quickly scribble a few notes, I recognize that I did indeed get very powerful results from the ceremony today. I reached the depths of another dark-shadow, God-drama choice point – in fact, it is the same one as last week, just revisited.
Keith had suggested that this would likely happen, and in many ways, I am grateful it did. I am learning that, even in confused struggle, I am much more conscious, and more aware of what I am doing.
New Old Pains
Thursday morning, I remain in a heavy energy, but I am not buying it, refusing to wallow in it, and instead spend my morning watching two fun, uplifting movies.
The workgroup ceremony today turns out to be quite small, with around twelve people at the peak. As initial conversations banter on, I ponder the intense painful journey of yesterday. In many ways, I am actually afraid to drink the chocolate today, wondering if I am up for another repeat –but I drink the chocolate anyway.
Early during a silent meditation, I begin to experience more intense pain in the upper middle of my solar plexus. Again, I focus on “smile” energy, watching this pain with self-love, deep acceptance, and compassion.
A Bottomless Chasm
Soon, a friend goes into deep emotional inner work. I have no idea what he is working with, but at a visual level, it seems to be almost identical to what I am feeling. He is visualizing himself on a painful ledge, with the other side being far away. I smile a huge smile as I feel myself stuck on my own painful ledge of pain and fear, desperately needing to cross a bottomless chasm, to let go of my painful perch, but the task feels impossible. At the other side of the chasm is a place of power, joy, and unconditional love.
Following along with metaphors Keith uses for this friend, I imagine my Higher Self lowering a bridge that joins both sides. I slowly imagine myself walking partway out onto the bridge. The emotions are intense and fearful.
Meanwhile, I notice that three other women are also facing deep fears, in their own ways, facing their own deep chasms. But I remain deeply connected to the emotions I witness in one friend. It still feels as if he is doing exactly the same thing that I am doing.
It is the absolute horror of letting go of the smallness, and subsequently moving into a new level of light-shadow power.
Keith suggests to my friend that his Higher Self will start to narrow the gap, and that the bridge will get shorter. I imagine the same thing in my own visual, sinking ever deeper into my own inner journey.
As I continue the meditation, the physical pain in my body is now extremely intense, but I am still smiling, almost laughing. At the same time, however, a huge part of me wants to run away. Soon, an intense, aching, kicked-in-the-gut feeling consumes my abdomen. But rather than feeling angry and fearful like I did yesterday, a memory flashes into my head.
Dealing The Cards
Over sixteen years ago, I faced divorce and gender transition. In deep agonizing fear, I literally gambled with my whole life, sliding all of my chips out onto the poker table. I placed my bet and asked the Universe to shuffle and deal the cards. I was deeply aware that I would likely lose my family, my job, my home, my financial stability, and possibly everything I loved, becoming an outcast or worse.
But I also knew there was no staying behind in a male body – that doing so would lead to death, if not physical then surely emotional. In order to be my pure, genuine, authentic self, I had no choice but to make the shift. The terror was intense. I sobbed and sobbed for weeks and months before taking the final steps. Often, during that agonizing period, I would call a friend. She drove to meet me during an over-extended lunch hour, and she would spend several hours helping to put my pieces back together. I was an emotional basket case. Everything in my life felt as it if were collapsing around me.
But somehow, I faced those fears and made it through. I survived with courage and loving valor. I did not lose anything, not one thing of true value. Yes, it was extremely difficult and challenging. Yes, relationships were strained. But I survived in all areas. In fact, I thrived, even with the frequent setback and “growth opportunities” that surfaced. As a result of that intense life transformation, the seeds of my spiritual awakening had been planted.
And wow, have they ever grown and blossomed!
Drawing Profound Parallels
“Right now, what is going on in my abdomen feels like a similar God-drama decision,” I ponder with new insight and clarity. “I have the choice of remaining in my old life of being small, insignificant, and powerless, or I have the choice to embrace my true identity, my divine light-shadow self.”
Just like my gender transition years ago, I know that I will emotionally (and possibly physically) die if I remain in the smallness of my old life. There will be no reason to go on with life if I turn my back on who I now know that I truly am.
Yet, contemplating letting go of this painful energetic block in my belly literally feels as if I am losing my identity … letting go of my ability to relate to family and friends … letting go of normalness and fitting in … letting go of the story. The thought of doing any of these things is terrifying, causing intense physical pain in my belly.
“But I HAVE done this before,” I ponder with an intuitive giggle. “Sixteen years ago, when I put my whole life on the poker table, it was far more frightening than this. When I faced over three hundred hours of grueling electrolysis, I met the pain with a courageous smile. When I had my surgeries – frightening and life-challenging surgeries – I did so with excitement and giggling. And when I faced repeated social humiliation, I did so with loving confidence, and my head held high.”
Yes, the pain in my belly is very much like the pain I felt sixteen years ago. It hurts like hell. But I withstood similar pain in the past with unstoppable smiling courage, knowing I was on my way to embracing my authentic self.
“I can do it again,” I giggle quietly. “In fact, right now, what I am facing seems far less frightening that what I have already done … and with flying colors.”
“I am ALL IN on that poker table,” I tell myself. “I can do this. I have done this before. There is no going back. I am again taking another step toward becoming my authentic Higher Self.”
“It was through embracing my real self that I found relief from the pain sixteen years ago,” I ponder with a giggle. “And it will be through embracing my Higher Self now that I will again find relief from the pains of dysfunctional powerlessness.”
A Frightened Child
As I surrender with courage, embracing present fear and pain, I gradually feel the energies shift, and most of that “kicked-in-the-gut” pain almost immediately relaxes. Yet a small, vibrating, softer-but-still-very-painful gut ache yet remains at a tiny core spot. But something is different in the narrow energetic channel between my throat and solar plexus. It feels solid and real. Something has definitely shifted, even though I continue to feel crimping panic at that tiny core spot.
Meanwhile, I overhear Keith share a familiar metaphor with someone else. He talks of a four-year-old child whose foot hurts so much that he approaches his parents and tells them that he thinks is foot is going to fall off. Even though the parents know the child’s foot is not going to fall off, the child still needs to be loved and held, and to have his intense pain validated.
“This intense, ongoing pain in this tiny core spot is me, in legitimate fear, terror, and panic of going forward,” I ponder with new insight. “But, just like that four-year-old child, the feared consequences are not real. Still, I need to pick this fear up in my arms, love it, and hold it. I need to give this part of me what it desperately needs – my own self-love.”
Over the next hour, as I focus on this self-love, my heart grows stronger and stronger. But still, some heavy painful emotion remains.
Orchid Stories
As Keith works with a young woman regarding the intense distractions she is experiencing (a screeching skill-saw in the background), I begin to realize that I too am facing deep distraction. For most of the ceremony, I have been unable to follow the processes of others. Yet I have been in self-love and trust, not trying to figure anything out with the mind. Instead, I have been seeing the distraction as the white team passing around a basketball, while the real issues are dancing around inside like a gorilla beating his chest. (See blog titled, “Giggling Gorilla Games,” published April 6, 2013.)
As I ponder how that little gorilla is my real self, I again recognize that all the distractions are my inner scammer. I continue to give power to those distractions.
Again, I double down on more self-love, focusing on the gorilla, the true inner me who wants to wake up … who wants to embrace my power, joy, and love.
A few times in the midst of this distraction journey, Keith checks in with me, and I generically fill him in on the profound insights. He reminds me that I am in a continuing process of self-love and trust, not needing to know or understand.
In one such check-in, Keith shares a short story about an orchid in his garden, and how he felt guided to bring it down from the mountains above San Marcos.
“I don’t get the parallel,” I express confusion to Keith.
“It is about trusting your guidance,” Keith fills me in, “just being with what flows, and believing it is leading you somewhere, not needing to know or understand at the time.”
An Ignored Hook
I sit in this space for a long time – a space of focusing on self-love, trust, self-love, trust, self-love, and did I say trust? I experience some budding lightness, and begin to notice that the pain in that tiny spot at the top of my solar plexus is shifting to a prickling vibration rather than a sharp needle poke. I intuitively know something huge has shifted, and no longer feel the panic in my belly.
And, at least for now, the squeamys in my forearms have also disappeared. I am deeply encouraged, but also feel intuitions whispering that this is a temporary trust-building experience.
While Keith is busy elsewhere with a chocolate delivery, I begin to feel magical lightness consuming me. It is beautiful, a Higher Vibration and more joyful mood – very much like the one I experienced on Friday.
When Keith eventually returns and glances at me, he takes one look, feels my energy, and says “Wow!”
“You felt the God-drama bait profoundly today,” Keith congratulates me deeply, “but you did not bite the hook.”
“Very good work!” Keith grins at me with his thumb sticking prominently in the air.
Initial Stages
As I walk home, I feel happy, joyful, and relaxed … but something inside whispers that I am not yet totally done with this. I know that today was a trust-building experience … another level of growth … a profound and magical step toward relaxing the clenching.
I also know that I barely scratched the surface today with the clenching, but clearly understand that it is related to absolute terror of further embracing the light, and that I put it there to shut down all the energy flow in my head, shoulders, arms, belly, and legs, etc…
But one thing is quite clear. As I rest and relax my belly, I experience no extreme panic … in fact, I feel no panic at all.
As I later ponder before bed, I remember something else regarding the work of a friend. Keith had told him that he was beginning to release intense conditioned blockages in his solar plexus – blockages clogging his lower chakras, including generational belief systems and conditioning from religion and culture.
As I had listened to Keith’s words, everything he said also resonated profoundly with me. I am very clear that today, many generational belief systems clogging my own issues of power, sexuality, and creativity also began to crumble – at least in their initial stages.
The Authentic Me
It seems that these last five days have involved a profound theme of “not needing to know” – of trusting, surrendering, allowing, and following, while asking rational mind to sit patiently on the sidelines, observing, listening, and responding when needed, but not running the show.
Other common themes seem to involve dramatically increased empath sensitivities, painful journeys with clenching and squeamys, and further exploration of the God / separation / deity drama, taking each of these journeys to new levels of healing.
I love how everything synchronously dovetails together, day after day, ceremony after ceremony, bringing unexpected healing in unforeseen ways.
In the ceremonies on Sunday and Monday, a combination of all of these themes led to deep understanding of how the body clenching is tightly holding the lid on an inner “Pandora’s Box” of sorts – an external manifestation of desperately attempting to control my external environment to keep that inner nightmare reality safe and hidden.
And with these new levels of growth, even difficult days seem to be unleashing new levels of renewed joy and laughter – along with ongoing energy-rich-but-sleep-deprived nights.
The ceremonies on Wednesday and Thursday were equally as intense, involving agonizing empath pains and insane inner wars. These ceremonies brought understanding that fear of additional empath anguish is a major contributor to the terror surrounding crossing that bottomless inner chasm that separates my small self from the light-shadow self – separating my powerless self from the magnificent joy, power and light that resides at the core of each of us.
But perhaps the most profound magic happened on Friday when unexpected memories flashed me back sixteen years to an agonizing time in which I also faced the sheer terror of letting go of an old identity – trembling in the overwhelming fear of choosing to embrace the authentic me – trembling in the face of potentially losing everything I loved.
Yes, just like those terrifying times in the not-so-long-ago past, I know that facing my greatest fear, embracing the light shadow, will be an ongoing journey, but that each step along the way will take me ever more magically into the joy of being my true, divine, authentic self.
Defying all odds, I did it sixteen years ago, with beautiful results.
I can … and I will … do it again.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved