Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “New Growth Opportunities.”
It is 5:00 a.m. and loud music plays in the center of town. As I rest in bed, attempting a return to dreamland, I ponder a magical event. Today, May 13, 2013, is my re-birthday – the sixteenth anniversary of the surgeries that brought my physical self in alignment with my heart. It is a good day, and I am excited to see where it takes me.
I spend the morning pondering possibilities. Something tells me this may be my last season doing inner work here in Guatemala, and that I will be moving on very soon. Among the options, Peru repeatedly tickles my fancy, but right now, many different options are germinating in the ethers.
As I prepare to leave home for a Monday afternoon workgroup ceremony, I feel clueless about my future. Rational mind throws a tiny hissy fit because it feels ignored and left out of the process. I just smile. I fully trust that perfect synchronous guidance will come with magic timing.
Unexpected Words
A beautiful group of energetic magicians occupies the porch today. As seems to be the norm lately, we do not really get going until 2:00 p.m., at which time Keith and a few others hold space for one friend who is going into deep emotion, struggling in pain and tears. I do not join in, because I feel as if my own process is finding me … and I desire to follow my own inner breadcrumbs.
Surprise lights up my face a few minutes later. As Keith talks about the beautiful work that several of my friends are doing today, I initially note the obvious absence of my name in the list of people he mentions.
“… and then there is the amazing high energy that Brenda has been anchoring in lately to help facilitate this for others…” Keith suddenly adds to his congratulatory words.
An inner smile spreads across my heart as I ponder Keith’s unexpected feedback.
An Inner Tantrum
Meanwhile, I have been sitting here feeling really lost and disconnected, sinking into helplessness as inner tantrum-like storytelling chatter rages in my head. The stories are demanding that I need help and that I do not know how to proceed with my process. I know I did indeed share amazing energy yesterday as I ignored inner scammers and powerfully allowed my heart to expand to another level. But today, ego is rebelling, demanding that rational mind be more included and involved in my journey.
It is clear to me that my “sense of being lost” is an inner tantrum – that ego is pouting, feeling left out, angry, and rebellious.
I can only giggle as I reflect back on a conversation I had just an hour ago – a discussion where I told a friend that rational mind is a beautiful and important TOOL, but that is simply not the tool for doing this type of energy work.
Therefore, when I hear Keith express his unexpected words praising my amazing high energy, I glance up and speak.
“So why do I feel so lost then?” I banter with Keith.
Keith gives me the perfect answer, telling me exactly what I have just figured out on my own – that this is related to an inner tantrum of confusion, and a pathetic loop of storytelling, trying to distract me and to pull me back into smallness and chaos.
This is the only interaction I have with Keith all day. It is perfect, validating that I am definitely on the right path.
An Abandoned Employee
As I return to silent meditation, I feel intuitively guided to unconditionally love that confused, tantrum-throwing part of me. I feel a rebellious, unknown aspect of my self, stuck in rational-mind conditioning, feeling angry, confused, and alone, desperately needing my love.
I immediately pick up Bobby-bear and hug him. The glow in his eyes tells me he has already forgiven me for leaving him home alone during the ceremony yesterday. Using Bobby as a proxy, I share deep love with this confused, rebellious part of me. I see this aspect of me as extremely loveable – just lost, trying to do a job that it was not designed to perform, not having the resources to do it properly.
Soon, I imagine this scene moving to an inner conference room. I ask Higher Self to join us, helping to educate and love this lost part of me, reassuring this “me” that it does not need to figure things out with rational mind.
As I ponder and follow inner threads, I unexpectedly remember a story told by Jach Pursel, the man who channels Lazaris. It is a story I have shared in my blog several times before – a metaphorical tale comparing the negative ego to a mailroom employee in a large corporation. This faithful mailroom worker had been unexpectedly abandoned by management, being asked to run the whole corporation all by himself without proper training or resources. He feels angry, unappreciated, and hopelessly confused, not having a clue how to run such a corporation on his own.
Inner Barricades
For decades, this faithful part of me has been struggling to perform his life-support duties, meeting obstacles and perceived betrayal at every turn, feeling abandoned, victimized, unappreciated, lost, alone, and hopelessly confused.
“This tantrum-throwing part of me is NOT rational mind,” I suddenly realize. “Instead, it is a victimized ego (negative ego) feeling angry that it cannot figure out how to heal my life using logic and rational mind. I have overloaded this part of me with unreasonable and impossible tasks, asking it to run my life for me, but without access to right-brained, heart-based intuition. This part of me is my own inner mailroom employee.”
As I meditatively explore the layout of the inner mailroom, I soon realize that all of the doors are locked and barricaded from the inside. It seems that I have locked myself inside the room, blocking out all love and higher-energy support.
“I did this as a child,” I ponder. “When my access to Higher Energies caused dysfunction, and painful rejection, I blocked all the doors. This is deeply related to my muscle clenching – my locked up muscles are the barricades keeping those “evil” Higher Energies out.”
Feeding Into Abandonment
As I imagine myself trying to unlock and open the doors, I am shocked by the levels of intense resistance and fear that surface. I cannot proceed. Instead, I begin to feel deep anger, rebellion, and hell-no feelings of “Eff-you God, I will not let you inside to help me.”
I immediately start to meditate down into these feelings.
Meanwhile, Keith has left the porch. The roof on the new chocolate workshop is leaking and he needs to supervise the workers. It is critical that the roof be fixed now, because rainy season is upon us, and Keith is leaving in a couple of weeks.
I do my best to ignore Keith’s absence, but I have to admit that his “seemingly abandoning the porch” feeds perfectly into my process – taking me right into the metaphor of being abandoned by Higher Energies, and not receiving help.
An Unsolvable Riddle
Suddenly, I am guided back to another metaphor – one that continues to trigger me to this day. During a project in a group therapy class (while working on my masters degree a few years ago), one of the subgroups set up a rope course in the parking lot. It was a circular (without an end) rope stretched between trees and signposts. We were blindfolded before being led outside. After someone placed our hand on the rope, they gave us two instructions, telling us that the objective was to find the end of the rope, and that we could ask for help at any time.
I became increasingly annoyed, and even slightly angry, as I repeatedly followed the rope around in circles. I easily figured out during the very first loop that there was no end, but I considered myself to be very clever with rational-mind riddles, and I was determined to figure this one out, without giving up or asking for help. After looping for thirty minutes (while everyone else had completed the task), I finally humbled myself and asked for help.
“OK,” a classmate told me. “You are done. You can let go now. All you had to do was ask for help.”
Shocking Resistance
“The game is rigged,” I reminisce on how I felt after the class project. “It cannot be solved using rational mind. And I’ll be damned if I am going to ask for help from outside sources – from those effing Higher Energies that abandoned me as a child.”
Ouch. This is such a perfect metaphor. This abandoned negative ego is livid that it has been asked to do a job that it cannot do, and it refuses to un-barricade the doors – absolutely insisting that the game is not fair.
As I pay attention to my inner emotions, I feel shocked by the overwhelming resistance and anger that rage inside me in this very moment.
I surrender, allowing myself to feel the pain and resistance, actually asking them to get bigger and to expand. Eventually, I lie down on the floor and curl up with Bobby-bear.
Holding Myself Hostage
As I rest on the ground, I repeatedly imagine myself unlocking the locks and removing chains from doors, etc…, but no matter what I do, I am unable to open a single door or window in that visualized mailroom. Occasionally, I do barely imagine a sliver of light streaming through a tiny crack in a door or window, but it disappears almost immediately. Finally, I imagine myself opening a vent in the ceiling, allowing a tiny breeze of Higher Energy to flow.
It seems that when identified with my personality self, that I AM that mailroom employee. I have lived my whole life barricaded in a rational-mind world, protecting myself from the evil right-brained light that once caused me so many problems.
Increasingly over the last few years, I have begun to realize that I really am the CEO of a multidimensional corporation (my own Higher Consciousness) – but while playing small – while “pretending” to be that mailroom employee who has barricaded himself in that locked room – I have no clue how to return to my true identity.
“I refuse to open the doors.” I feel the demands of this negative ego in me. “I am angry and should not have to. I was abandoned and victimized in the first place. I need my apology and demands to be met first.”
This is such a perfect metaphor for my God / separation drama. I am alone and abandoned inside a room, barricaded on the inside. Just outside the room are all the amazing multidimensional love, help, and support that I could possibly imagine, but I refuse to open the doors because angry, childhood emotions of betrayal and abandonment are holding me hostage.
Let The Love In
Eventually, as I sit perplexed in this barricaded mailroom, I imagine a pneumatic tube used for sending messages. Deciding to be honest with the emotions flowing through me, I scribble a message saying, “F#ck you God” and place it in the tube. I hold back muffled sobs as I imagine myself pushing the send button.
“You don’t have to run the corporation,” A response comes back a few minutes later. “That is my job. You just have to unlock the doors and open them.”
“I don’t know how,” I respond with a new message. “I can’t figure it out and I need help.”
I feel angry, hopeless, and pathetic as this new message disappears up the tube.
“Just let the love in,” Another reply soon comes back. “This is not something you need to figure out with your mind. Just let the love in.”
Diving Deeper
I sit with this metaphor for a while. New ideas and details continue to unfold in perfect magic. I want to sob and cry. Deep emotions flow through me.
A few friends have already left the porch, as two others take turns helping each other with deep work. Another friend just sits against the wall, looking stuck and numb. Meanwhile, Keith continues to supervise workers on the roof of his hew chocolate workshop.
Realizing that I have already made huge progress today, and that I really do not need guidance from Keith or anyone, I decide to leave. I am in a very good place, and something tells me I can finish this work more easily in the privacy of my own home. I want to lie on my bed, throw a real tantrum, sob, and cry. Intuitions tell me to go for it.
At 3:15 p.m., I grab my things and hurry home, quickly sequestering myself in the bedroom. Immediately, I curl up on my bed, momentarily flail my arms and legs in an imagined tantrum, and then go deep into the emotions – emotions of anger at the game being rigged – anger at not being able to figure things out. I sob and dry heave in huge waves. When I attempt to bring in the light, I struggle, and instead go deeper into the sensation of being hopelessly lost.
But I do not get lost – I simply allow myself to experience the emotion without believing it. I check in with my heart, repeating my mission statement, and I continue to feel very connected to Higher Energies at that level.
I keep releasing emotion, going deeper and deeper, until I dare go no further.
Forward Movement
Finally, I just curl up with Bobby-bear and surrender, saying aloud, “I do not know how to DO it, but I AM ready to surrender.
“Light,” I beg, “will you please show me what you would do to help … either transmuting the emotion or taking me even deeper.”
Almost immediately, I start to feel much lighter. By 4:35 p.m., still feeling a little heavy, I get up to type some notes for the day. After finishing my typing, I discover that my internet is not functioning – that the Universe has cut me off from outside communication, at least for now.
I continue to feel emotionally heavy, but am in a very good place as an unattached observer. I KNOW that this is profound work. I am acquiring magical understanding into MY game with God … my deity drama … into how I insist on throwing an isolating tantrum while resisting all the abundant higher-dimensional help that surrounds me.
Just before the ceremony today, I pulled a tarot card. It was “The Chariot” card – one that, to me, indicates forward movement and balance. I love that card, and know that I AM making great forward movement right now.
Bursting With Light
Because it is my sixteenth re-birthday, I soon head off to treat my inner children to a burger and fries. After ordering my food, I sit and meditate on a couch.
“I AM going to embrace the light,” I make a powerful commitment to myself. “And no matter what this ego scammer in me wants to do, I WILL continue to love him/her, but I will no longer tolerate the scams. I will not listen to them any longer.”
For several minutes, I release a few more intense emotional blockages, but then I know it is time to further embrace the light. Without pausing to analyze, I imagine myself back inside that barricaded mailroom, bursting open several double doors, letting in light. Then I open blinds and windows, feeling the room grow increasingly brighter.
As I sit waiting for dinner, the heaviness is gone. A very nice energy flows at the back of my neck, from the back-center of my head to the top of my shoulders. The energy is distinct, new, nice, strong, and magically tingling. I know that something is opening, connecting, or possibly repairing. I really do not need to know any more than that.
Repeat Repressed Rage
After a relaxing sleep, the internet is magically working again on Tuesday morning, just long enough to discover the amazing love and support given me by friends in response to a Facebook post I had made regarding my sixteenth re-birthday. My heart overflows with gratitude, even when the internet quickly disappears again, remaining off for most of the next twenty-four hours.
I spend the day writing, “An Ego Counterattack,” finding it quite difficult to write about an angry emotional experience without again re-experiencing it to the core. I feel the ego tantrum deeply, again trying to suck me back into rational mind to figure things out. I find it quite humorous that writing this difficult blog corresponds so synchronously to my experiences with ego tantrums of yesterday. The blog is intense, and I do not finish the final edit until Wednesday morning, right before yet-another chocolate ceremony.
With around ten people gathered on the porch, I take charge of the introductions for the chocolate ceremony while Keith again does last minute supervision of the construction workers. When Keith is further delayed, Steven then leads his own amazing version of a “Glow Meditation.”
By the time Keith joins us at 2:20 p.m., I am in a very confused state – experiencing beautiful peace from the meditation and knowing that all is well – but feeling more intense and deep agitation regarding my abandonment feelings. Another layer of profound anger and confusion is surfacing. The emotion is more like a repressed rage – rage that none of my process is solvable with rational mind.
Humble Surrender
I again flash back to that rope course in my psychology classes. I remember more clearly than ever just how absolutely pissed off I had felt about the game being rigged, and how it was unsolvable with logic.
“The entire healing and awakening journey is just like this,” I ponder. “Everything about my upbringing positioned me to rely solely on logic and reason.”
It is clear that the rope course was brought into my experience as a magic teaching tool. It clearly shows me how rebellious and stubborn I am – how I demand that something is not fair if it cannot be solved with intellect. I would rather walk and walk around that endless rope course than simply admit that I cannot figure it out – rather than simply asking for help.
“I cannot undo my separation drama by myself either,” I ponder. “The more I do my inner work, the more I feel as if I am just walking around that endless loop of rope, continually trying to figure out how to find the end, refusing to simply stop and surrender to Higher Energies.”
“I quit,” I beg my source. “I don’t know how to go on. I don’t want to figure it out anymore. Please HELP me.”
As I repeat these and similar thoughts in my mind, tears stream down my cheeks and emotions swell. I am in a state of beautiful surrender, finally swallowing my pride, admitting that I simply do not know, and will never know. I am tired of playing this silly mind game.
“I want to let go of this mental rope,” I silently surrender. “I need help … I will stop trying … I trust that the help I need is following me everywhere I go, just waiting for me to surrender and ask. Please help!”
A Profound Place
As Keith finally opens the group to assistance with individual work, I know that I am in a powerful place with my process – in a beautiful state of unfolding surrender.
“Brenda,” Keith turns immediately to me. “If you let this happen, you have an opportunity to go somewhere very beautiful today.”
I am surprised and shocked by Keith’s words, because I have not said a thing regarding what I am doing. In my heart, I know that Keith’s words are perfect and deeply guided from a higher source.
Without speaking, I glance up at Keith to make eye contact. He then tells me that I am also facing another opportunity to get lost in my loop again.
“I am actually choosing to finally let go of the loop,” I share with Keith. “I realize that I am tired of trying. I am giving up trying to figure things out and I am just loving myself for where I am … surrendering … asking the light for help.”
“That is a profound place to be,” Keith glows at me.
In a short conversation that follows, Keith congratulates me, sharing extensive beautiful comments about how I am finally beginning to let go. The whole group is paying attention and many turn to hold space for me.
Choosing The Light
“There is a huge ego part of me throwing an inner tantrum right now,” I soon share through muffled tears. “It is very intense, but I am not judging it. I am just loving the ego, not validating the tantrum, but loving and holding space with compassion as the tantrum progresses.”
“That is all I can do,” I add. “I don’t know how to do anything else.”
“This tantrum is exactly what you did as a child when you were faced with school assignments,” Keith reminds me.
“Yeah, starting at around age five or six,” I add. It is the very same lifelong tantrum that erupted inside whenever I was asked to do anything creative in school, church, or wherever. I am tired of this tantrum. I am done with it. I love this part of me, but it is time to stop giving my power to it – time to stop letting it pull me into the stories. I am choosing the light.”
As I look around the porch, I can clearly see that my humble surrender is profoundly affecting the processes of a few of my friends.
A Mental Cocoon
As Keith moves on, I close my eyes, hug Bobby-bear tightly, and return into deep surrender. I imagine myself sitting with an angry, screaming child. I simply hold peaceful, loving space for the child … loving the child … loving the tantrum … loving the frustration … loving the anger … loving, loving, loving ego … loving that wounded version of me.
As this process continues, I gradually release intense emotion, eventually reaching a very nice energy space. I sit in this gradually increasing energy, doing absolutely nothing with rational mind, simply surrendering all control. The tantrum continues to fade as my energy increases.
Eventually, I notice a magical young woman staring at me (I will call her Anne). I keep glancing away, avoiding her eyes, but after a few minutes, I surrender and return her gaze.
As I do so, I have no idea if I am helping her, or vice-versa. Rather than concern myself with such details, I simply express intent to share energy and release density, all for the highest good, not needing to know what or how.
For more than an hour, Anne and I maintain nonstop eye contact. Gradually, my level of joy increases, very slowly. Simultaneously, I experience the sensation that this magical energy flowing between us is again transmuting more of my story. As before, I begin to imagine and feel that she is me … she is a divine being in a physical body, lost in a personality self … but I am really looking at ME lost in personality self.
I imagine the Muppet Show, watching myself, silly me, lost in a story, gradually letting it go. I get the feeling that stories are the way the rational mind hides – a type of mental cocoon.
A Spinning Hamster Wheel
For the next half hour, repeated insights flow through my awareness, all related to the absurdity of trying to alter reality using rational mind – it simply is not the tool.
I increasingly begin to smile inside as stories melt away and insights continue to flow.
Soon, I imagine that I am a mouse on a hamster wheel, pondering that as a child, I was taught to rely on rational mind to build my own unique personality wheel. I have spent my entire life fortifying and enhancing my hamster wheel, searching for a better, happier life.
In a bizarre twist of logic, in my spiritual quest I have been walking, walking, and walking, using my mind in an attempt to find the end of the wheel. I am constantly remodeling, adding enhancements here and there, removing unwanted blocks, meditating, hoping to find a way to create shortcuts to the end; but nevertheless, I keep trudging forward, knowing that the only way off the wheel is to forge ahead with unwavering devotion.
Intuition quickly whispers that this is just like that circular rope course – and that the only way to leave the childhood conditioning and personality-self identification behind is to ask for help – for a gift of grace from Higher Energies that are always eager and ready to assist.
I begin to giggle as I ponder how this wheel is a rigged game that mind cannot solve. I feel myself walking, walking, spinning forward, but never going anywhere. I feel the absurdity of walking forward in an attempt to find a way off the wheel. I see the silliness of hopelessly walking for a lifetime, believing that if I do so, I am eventually bound to find the end.
There Is No Wheel
Soon, I imagine everyone on the planet, each walking in their own hamster wheels, so obsessed with going forward that they are blind to their surroundings – perpetuating the conditioned reality – determined to find a way to make their life on the wheel happier and more fulfilled.
I am almost laughing right now as I imagine and play with absurd variations of this fun, crazy scenario.
At one point in this eye-gazing marathon with Anne, I imagine me, Bobby, and Sharon, walking together into my magical theme park. The path is lined by angels, guides, and higher-dimensional friends. A white carpet is unfurled in front of me. These friends are all showing me the way, guiding me. I do not need to figure anything out.
“These beings have always been there,” I ponder with more giggles. “But I have been too focused on the wheel to even notice … too determined to solve the mystery of the unsolvable riddle. But they are right there, waiting for me to receive their guidance.”
Then I remember a scene from The Matrix – one where Neo is waiting in a room, preparing to visit the Oracle. A young boy is bending spoons with his mind. Neo tries, but is unable to do the same. The young boy then looks up at Neo and tells him that the secret is to remember that “There is no spoon” … that it is all in his mind.
“There is no wheel,” I ponder quietly. “There is no wheel … there is no wheel … there is no wheel … It is not that I do not know how to leave the wheel … there simply is no wheel.”
Two Thumbs Up
I am in an amazing, beautiful energy when Anne and I eventually stop gazing into each other’s eyes. My eyes are exhausted after hardly blinking for more than an hour. I remain on the porch for another half hour, holding space for the beautiful work of a friend. I feel as if I am riding a magical wave of energy, sharing that wave with others, all of us adding to the magical vibrations surrounding us.
I have been in complete surrender throughout the afternoon. It has been a profound experience in simply following, not needing to know, and receiving nonstop energetic gifts filling me with tingling energy, insights, and joyful giggles.
Soon, I leave early and rush home for a quick dinner, later returning for another evening of chocolate bagging. In preparation for Keith’s extended travels, we are bagging chocolate three times per week for the next two weeks.
As I finally prepare for bed, I continue to giggle. I feel as if ego is on sabbatical. I occasionally feel it attempting to chatter, trying to create stories about me not really doing anything today, etc. But I just laugh. I absolutely know that I did amazing work all afternoon.
Keith and I had hardly talked during the ceremony, but I know that he felt it too. As I skipped off the porch, he had put his hands together in prayer position and bowed with a glow in his eyes, before giving me two thumbs up.
Building Pathways
The workgroup ceremony on Thursday is one of the most different I have ever attended. Through the first half of the ceremony, most everyone simply meditates silently, with the occasional interruption of someone asking a short rational-mind question.
I too remain quiet, simply focusing on embracing more of my light, imagining myself stepping off to the side of that hamster wheel. In fact, I spend a great deal of the ceremony, simply enjoying silly variations of humorous imaginations with the hamster wheel metaphor. While I do not laugh externally, my heart is giggling silently throughout this experience.
Then, I return to memories of that circular rope-course experience. As I again visualize that evening many years ago, I am unable to find any laughter … none whatsoever. This is a clue telling me that I continue to have more work to do in this area. Even still, I know that my job today is to play with the light shadow, to focus on joy and inner laughter.
Steven is giggling a lot today during his process. Soon, Keith tells Steven how, during his own training, Keith’s guides had emphasized that is it important to reinforce such positive energy experiences, revisiting them over and over with happy laughter, because it helps to build and reinforce energy pathways, etc…
A Crystal Playground
Hearing Keith’s words, I again focus on the hamster wheel metaphors. I am in near-giggle mode for most of the next hour … filled with joyful light … surrendering to the idea of not knowing … repeatedly asking the Higher Energies for upgrades … asking the light to take me somewhere while focusing on getting out of the way. I do not feel much guidance, but I continue to overflow with fun, giggly energy. Sometimes, I even feel almost dizzy from those energies.
At around 3:30 p.m., Keith disappears after saying he is going down to the workshop to get something for Steven. Perhaps twenty minutes later, he returns with a huge bag of giant crystals, most of them globes. As Keith unwraps them and gently places them on the floor, I quickly gravitate to a large green fluorite crystal ball – one I hold for a very long time.
As I surrender, with the fluorite against my belly, an intense aching consumes me in the lower abdominal region. It really hurts, but I see it as a good pain. I am not quite sure if I am experiencing emotional density or energetic expansion, and I do not concern myself with this detail. Instead, I simply focus on enjoying the process, regardless of how much it hurts.
“Show me what will happen next,” I ask the light before simply surrendering.
Migrating Pains
Soon, I trade the fluorite for a large clear calcite globe. As I hold it to my belly, the aching gradually increases at the very base of my abdomen. A deep permeating ache consumes the bladder region, on both sides.
“Keith,” I eventually ask for guidance, “do you have any insights regarding these deep pains in my abdomen?”
“Give the pains to the crystal,” Keith suggests. “Just express your intent and allow.”
I do this, and surrender. For a long time, not much happens other than a great deal of gas that flares and churns in my intestines. It is quite agitated and painful. Eventually, however, I gradually start to feel some energy flow, as if it is moving out and into the crystal. Shortly before 6:00 p.m., the pains diminish completely.
Celebrating With Friends
Before leaving the porch, I share a beautiful goodbye conversation with Steven. He is leaving very soon, and I may not see him again. As I thank him from the bottom of my heart, I swell with gratitude for the many amazing ways in which he has participated in my magical process during much of the past six months. He has been truly a godsend for me, helping in ways that I may never fully understand. I can only giggle as I remember how Steven initially felt guided to come to Guatemala in the first place after stumbling across my blog and reading about some of my own experiences with chocolate.
After ceremony, I go out with a friend to celebrate my sixteenth re-birthday (which was actually three days ago). It is a fun evening, but one that also triggers some of my old social issues as a few people join us that do not fully resonate with my energy. Nonetheless, it is a beautiful evening, and a great way to top off an amazing day.
A Morning Of Setups
Friday, May 17, 2013, I wake up very early, unable to sleep soundly. I am downloading a few files off the internet, and I find myself feeling agitated by the slowness. Impatience bubbles in the depths. It seems that impatience is presenting itself as a theme for the day.
As I spend a tired morning just watching videos, another emotion surfaces. My back hurts, and I feel quite annoyed by a loud motorcycle revving its engine in a field below my kitchen window. Then, a little later, noisy passersby are talking loudly outside my window.
It is not fun, but at some level, I can tell I am being set up for another day of deep processing. In addition to impatience, both judgment and annoyance are making their presence obvious.
The afternoon public chocolate ceremony again starts quite late as Keith continues to stretch himself thin trying to supervise the completion of his roof repairs. As judgmental chatter rambles in my head, I roll with it, observing the emotion, not attaching to it, knowing I must feel it so I can process and let it go.
Painful Origins
Just before the “Glow Meditation” begins, my belly is already hurting. Intuitions whisper that these are metaphorical pains. They represent repressed anger, judgment, and impatience, all surfacing from deep within.
Even with the pains, I am actually in a very nice, joyful, giggly energy. The pains I feel are more of the vibrating type, feeling like a healing sensation – yet they are pronounced and intense.
“Is this mine?” I ask Keith at an appropriate moment, seeking his input on whether the pains I am feeling come from my own emotion or from reading the emotions of others.
“Yes, Brenda,” Keith responds.
He then adds that this is another opportunity to dance around the God-drama bait, deciding to either go down into my loop or stay in Higher Energy.
“Thanks,” I respond. “I really resonate with that.”
An Issue With Impatience
As Keith begins leading the meditation, I go inside, sitting in a beautiful, happy, high-vibration energy – still feeling the intense pains. I send them love, imagining myself hugging them, thanking them for coming up, and thanking them for how they have served me in the past.
I fill with love as I then return to the hamster wheel metaphor. I giggle as I imagine these pains walking around the inside of that ego wheel, trudging ahead, searching, forcing, and trying to figure things out.
“I don’t need to do anything except love these pains and surrender them to my heart,” I ponder.
Soon, I ask them to rise into my heart while experimenting with a variety of metaphors to feel and express the pain in a non-dramatic way. For a while, the pain subsides, and I feel deeply empowered. Then my friend Jim speaks up. From a place of deep struggle, he mentions that he is working with impatience.
Suddenly, my belly rages with vibrating energy pains.
“I get it,” I finally admit to myself. “I have a huge issue with impatience.”
The Cosmic Joke
I sit in silence, feeling the pains, loving the pains, pondering the intuitions that flow. I suddenly remember that my father often had a struggle with impatience. I begin to wonder if I inherited some of that from him.
As before, I stand away from my hamster wheel, and imagine the energy of ego impatience inside the wheel, walking, trudging forward, and pushing forcefully onward. I feel no judgment of the pains and emotions. In fact, standing back and imagining them walking on the wheel again puts me in a giggly, high-vibe energy.
When Jim finishes his impatience processing, I mention how deeply I resonated with his work. After filling Keith in on what I am doing, I ask if I am missing anything.
“Brenda,” Keith responds, “right now, the less I reinforce anything at the rational mind level, the better. But you are doing really well.”
Curious as to the reason for Keith’s cryptic reply, I go back to what I am doing, continuing to stand to the side of the hamster wheel, seeing my personality self dutifully racing around the never-ending spin of rational mind. In this moment of meditatively standing back as a divine observer, the ego/personality stuff all feels like a silly cosmic joke.
“I am not that body in the hamster wheel,” I ponder with a giggle.
The pain is again gone and beautiful energy surrounds me.
Hot Spring Surrender
A while later, sharp pains again suddenly surface in my abdomen.
“Pain is resistance,” I ponder an idea that returns to my mind. “If I relax into the pains, the healing will happen much more easily.”
Then, another memory fills my head. I flash back to an experience where, just over a year ago, my friend Pyper and I had talked Keith into doing a private chocolate ceremony at a hot spring near Xela. During that trip, the water was hotter than I normally like, and I had begun to panic. Finally, I had surrendered to the heat, relaxing into the frantic body reactions of fright and resistance, facing the panic attack with love and peace. In the midst of surrendering to that experience, I had come away with beautiful healing and growth.
So, as my present-day sharp pains persist, I imagine myself walking down into a piping-hot pool of water. I pretend that my belly agitation is the panic of hitting that uncomfortable steaming heat, and I visualize myself surrendering to the heat in my belly. I feel no judgment and do no pushing. I simply allow myself to relax and heal in whatever way may unfold, trusting that every pain has a purpose. Rational mind is not involved.
Unexpected Visitors
Next, I feel guided to imagine another dear friend joining me in the hot spring. I am still feeling panic, and I trust that this friend’s imaginary presence might help calm and comfort the inner resistance.
But as I try to visualize my friend joining me, I feel shocked when intuitions repeatedly insist that a different woman is going to join me in the pool. I fight the feeling but finally surrender to this inner guidance. The other woman is a former friend – one I broke up with almost eight years ago – one who at that time had pushed my buttons triggering deep emotions of agonizing betrayal.
Finally, I meditatively invite Shelly (not her real name) into the steaming water with me. Intuitions whisper that a lot of what is painfully agitating in my belly right now is the deep agony that I empathically acquired from Shelly – stuff that I continue to carry – stuff that actually belongs to her. Somehow, I know that it is time to surrender this pain, to let it flow back to her in care of her Higher Self. It is not mine to carry any longer. It is her job to process it, or to do whatever with it.
As I surrender to this process, I feel intense pains come, and then leave. Soon, two other friends unexpectedly join me in this imagined hot spring – two other former friends who had also painfully pushed my betrayal triggers. More intense pains immediately surface in my abdomen. As I allow with trust, these pains also leave me, flowing back to those former friends in care of their Higher Selves.
As the pains flow out, I feel pure love, profound gratitude, and a total absence of judgment. This is no longer my painful axe to carry. I release and surrender it fully. The empathically captured emotions are no longer my burden. I give them all up.
I giggle as I realize that I have been trudging around that hamster wheel, believing it is my duty to carry all of this extra emotional baggage with me. I now see all this unwanted luggage as nothing but stories, thoughts, and memories – meaningless mental vapors that anchored me into a false reality.
Doing Things Differently
As 3:30 p.m. comes and goes, I suddenly find myself in a different-but-similar process. I have observed that Keith has been unusually quiet today, not initiating any interactions with others, and when a few people have asked for help, he has provided only cryptic and short responses.
“I am really judging Keith’s behavior today,” I suddenly realize.
Immediately, I decide to follow this thread. I know I am creating this, and that everything happening on the porch today is being co-created by each of us, for the highest good of all, including Keith. Three years of experience tells me that every chocolate ceremony, no matter how bizarre, has always served me. I know that Keith’s seeming detachment today is exactly what I need.
“If I were Keith, I would be doing this differently,” I ponder with frustration.
“If I were God, I would be running this world differently,” I then expand the idea. “This is my God / separation drama that I am again projecting onto Keith. This is a rigged game where the proper help is not being provided at the mental level, and I shouldn’t have to ask for help, blah, blah, blah.”
Wow, that rope course metaphor is proving extremely valuable in my process.
Gratitude For Pain
I clearly see the porch today as my personal holodeck, showing me my God drama in a massive way. While maintaining a smile, I am now feeling angry, impatient, judgmental, and annoyed that God is not doing his job right … not helping people … leaving people to flounder until they find their own way … then still making them do their own work … blah, blah, blah.
“Wow,” I ponder with a giggle. “This is my childhood tantrum being acted out in real life, just for me.”
Beautiful energy surrounds me as I dive into this next process – one where abdominal pains again flare up, big time. The pains are intense, but I love them all. I do not attach or identify with any of them. I clearly know that what is flowing through me has nothing to do with present day reality. It is old stuff, dangling hooks in front of me, begging me to bite, and insisting that I reenergize the loops.
“Thanks, but no thanks,” I ponder as I continue forward. “I am grateful that this stuff is coming up. I will not push it down, and I will not reenergize it.”
Waves Of Craziness
As I continue meditating, I ask the angels and my Higher Self to assist. Repeatedly, I focus on silly aspects of the hamster wheel metaphor in an attempt to keep this processing light and fun. I imagine myself standing to the side while all of this old emotional crap is up on the wheel, running around in circles.
Again, I bring in the rope course metaphor and immediately feel anger at the rigged game – anger that tells me I am not yet done processing and releasing this old dysfunctional game.
Above all else, I repeatedly focus on nonattachment, staying outside the hamster wheel, and not biting the hook. I feel the emotions intensely, and I let them flow.
As before, I remain in smiles and high-vibration giggle energy while huge waves of pain surface and leave. Intuitions tell me that these waves are related to massive impatience, to not trusting Higher Powers, to still feeling victimized by my own reality creations, etc…
I examine all of this craziness as it continues to flow, realizing that all of it is, and has been, my personal stage play designed to teach me to release this impatience, and this lack of trust and surrender.
Finally, I feel as if I have done just that. Peace and calm return to my abdomen, and the inner giggles reign supreme.
Huge Layers, Huge Energy
“Whew … wow … I let go of some huge layers today,” I giggle at Keith as I prepare to hurry home.
“And you didn’t buy into any of them,” Keith praises me. “You are in a very different place now – very different from even a week or two ago. Congratulations!”
Keith and I chat for a while as I briefly explain my new hamster wheel metaphor. As we discuss my journey, Keith then brings up the topic of my rope-course metaphor.
“Yeah, I am still working on that one. It continues to bring up anger when I go there,” I share with Keith.
For the third time this week, I rush home, gobble down a quick meal, and return to Keith’s home for an evening of bagging yet-another three-hundred pounds of freshly ground cacao. I am in very positive, happy energy.
Late Friday night, as I attempt to sleep, there is so much energy activity in my body that I simply cannot relax. I try to retire at 11:00 p.m., then midnight, then 1:00 a.m., but each time the energy flow keeps me wide awake. Finally, at around 2:00 a.m., I manage to relax enough to fall asleep. I love the energy activity (that is mostly awakening in the lower chakras), but I also love my sleep.
The overactive energy continues to overwhelm me on Saturday morning. I am in a very positive energy, but am physically exhausted from lack of sleep. Giving up on the idea of writing, I surrender to a day of doing nothing, simply resting and being gentle with myself.
A Week Of Rebirth
It has been an amazing six days, beginning with my sixteenth re-birthday – a week of constant rebirth in many different ways.
Ego counterattacks seem to be a repeat theme, both in my writing and in actual experience, but through them all, I mostly manage to maintain a beautiful, giggly, happy, and high-vibration energy.
And I love the new “hamster wheel” metaphor that so magically dovetails into recurring encounters with that annoying rope course metaphor.
At the start of the week, I began the deep diving by finding ego, barricading himself inside an abandoned mailroom, refusing to open the doors and windows, refusing to allow the light to penetrate that darkness. Finally, through metaphorical conversations with God, communicating with notes sent via a pneumatic tube, I gradually allowed some light to return.
Midweek, the hamster wheel began spinning with giggles, helping me see the absurdity of trudging ever forward in search of a spiritual ending. It now seems so clear that forever searching is merely a mental delay tactic, and that merely stepping out of the wheel is the magical solution.
As the week ends, hot-spring surrender takes the forefront of my process as I again face waves of crazy layers, all beautifully lightened with giggles when I place each one inside that hamster wheel, imagining a tired and weary mailroom employee, insisting that he is going to find the solution.
It has been a beautiful re-birthday week – a week of intense emotional release – and a week that will forever cause me to giggle each time I reflect back on the silly fun I had with that hamster wheel metaphor. After having released so many layers of emotion in the past six days, I do indeed feel as if I have been reborn, yet again.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved