(Note, this is part one of what will likely be at least six parts. In this writing, I capture the first ayahuasca workshop – the first twelve days and seven ceremonies of my experience at the “Temple of the Way of Light”. More parts will follow …)
Nearly four months have passed since my last integrative writing – four months of incredible, intense, and life-changing growth. Prior to entering the remote Amazon jungle and going off the electrical grid, I purchased a fat little notebook to record my experiences in a hand-written journal.
“I have plenty of room to capture my journey on these pages,” I reassured myself as I prepared to leave Iquitos for three months of healing adventure.
As it turns out, I barely had enough space to document all of the significant growth and events that took place. In mid April, upon returning to noisy and energetically-chaotic Iquitos, I spent the better part of four days simply typing up those notes – treasured notes that ended up filling more than 125 typewritten pages.
As I contemplate the events that now feel like lifetimes ago, the imminent job of writing is intimidating, and somewhat overwhelming. But that is exactly the journey on which I am about to embark. Even now, as I prepare to time travel back to mid January, my journey continues in the present day as I participate in additional ayahuasca ceremonies in the Sacred Valley, near Cusco, Peru.
But the passion for writing is now intense. It is definitely time to begin – time to step into that time machine …
Into The Wild
It is early Saturday morning, January 18, 2014, as I chow down on a final bowl of home-cooked oatmeal with added chocolate. My fridge is now clean and empty, so I have no fruit to make this bland meal interesting.
With eager anticipation, I soon lift my large and heavy backpack onto my shoulders and slip my small daypack over the handle of my carryon suitcase. With giggles in my heart, I say goodbye to my cozy apartment and begin to trudge down the noisy streets of Iquitos on a five-block hike. With more than a hundred pounds of luggage in tow, the short journey is tiring and cumbersome.
After enduring a barrage of pushy street vendors at the rendezvous point, I am soon squeezed into the front seat of an old tourist bus. More than thirty of us are crowded into the cramped seats. Twenty-two are headed to a short-term retreat. Five of us are joining others at a long-term deep-immersion retreat, and the rest are staff members at the Temple of the Way of Light, which is our ultimate destination.
After a half-hour bumpy ride over pothole-filled dirt roads, we board two large wooden boats at the tiny neighborhood port of Santa Clara and embark on another forty-five minute journey up the Nanay river – the last twenty-five minutes of which is on a tiny tributary, one that in places is barely deep and wide enough for the boat to pass. Our journey ends with a long forty minute hike in hot, sweltering humidity. As I drip with sweat, experiencing near-heat-exhaustion with every step, I am so grateful that local workers have been provided to carry our luggage.
Finally, drained and exhausted, I am escorted to what will be my new home for the next three months. My tiny-but-nice bedroom is one of three such rooms in a small jungle hut called a “tambo”. The walls are thin, allowing sound to freely travel between rooms. My personal space is about eight feet wide and ten feet long, plus a small extended balcony in the back … and I have a hammock with a gorgeous jungle view. The ceiling and back wall are open air, with nothing but mosquito screening, and there is no need for a lock on the door. What a way to live.
A Retreat Overview
Before delving into my own personal journey, I believe it is helpful to summarize the overall structure of my activities at the deep immersion center of the “Temple of the Way of Light”. It will be easier in the long run if I do not need to try to explain this structure in the middle of the many subsequent blogs that will be required to share my entire experience.
(Please note that what I describe here changed after I left. As of May 1, 2014, the program is structured quite differently … so if you are considering this retreat, it will not be the same as was my own.)
The deep immersion program operates in one month increments. While some people opt to stay for one or two months, intuitions told me to go for three. I now have a friend who signed up for four months.
There are two simultaneous groups in deep immersion, each with about twelve participants, and each with different starting dates. One group starts on the third day of each month, and the other starts on the eighteenth day. The actual program consists of two separate twelve-day itineraries. Because of the variations in how long each participant chooses to stay, there is always people turnover at least twice per month, causing a constant shift in the overall energetic and personality makeup of the experience. I found this frequent people-changing to be both difficult and extremely useful to my process.
The first itinerary is called a “workshop”, in which all of the ayahuasca work is done. During the twelve-day workshop, there are seven tightly-packed ayahuasca ceremonies, taking place on days three, four, six, seven, eight, ten, and eleven. For me, during the free time when I was not involved in ceremonies, meals, or group meetings, I spent most of my spare time resting, reading, or meditating in my room. But when time and energy allowed, I participated in integration activities that did not conflict with my schedule.
The second itinerary is called “integration”, in which the group has a twelve-day schedule of optional activities, including classes such as yoga, art, taiji, qigong, martial arts, dance therapy, self-inquiry, music, etc… All integration activities are optional, for both groups, allowing everyone to personally structure their own experience. I took full advantage of this flexibility.
My workshops ran from the 18th to the 29th of each month (except it was March 1 for the second month), and my integrations ran from the 3rd to the 14th of each month. During the off days, the yummy three-per-day meals (no dinner on ceremony days) were always present, but there were no planned activities. Some people traveled to and from Iquitos on the off days. My personal decision was to remain at the center, completely off the grid for my entire three-month stay.
Setting Up The Triggers
The first day of workshop includes a whirlwind of activities, with orientation meetings, flower baths, facility tours, meals, unpacking, and an evening meditation. During our introductions, I learn that six members of my first workshop group are already at the center – four of which participated in the previous month, and two of which are joining us from the work exchange program (another way to participate).
It takes me a day to really see the perfect setup, but almost immediately, the makeup of my group unexpectedly triggers past insecurities and old social struggles.
My first impression of the six people already at the center is that they are young (in their twenties and low thirties), socially confident, and popular – plus they already have relationships established and often hang out together. My inner projections begin almost immediately as I experience repeated triggers of old high school social pain – issues that at the time are still unresolved.
And then, four of the new people that arrived with me are older men in their fifties and sixties – another perfect trigger, given that I continue to have deep triggers with various aspects of men and masculine energy. In the first two days, these four men also hang out with each other, and my projections silently soar.
Finally, the other new person is an older woman who arrives a day late, and then mostly keeps to herself. The big trigger here is that she is my immediate neighbor in our three-person “tambo” (housing building), and she likes to sing loudly at random times, even though she has been told by our facilitator that singing in the housing areas (shared space) is not permitted. Her personality and noise making push my triggers to the max.
It is a perfect setup, causing me to immediately begin to spiral into old isolation tendencies – causing me to question if I even want to be here. I am shocked, because at all of the other retreat centers I visited during my first month in Iquitos, I had immediately socially warmed up to nearly everyone present. But here, I am feeling the exact opposite.
I feel quite confused as I try to ignore my emotions and reach out. But my subconscious walls are up, and my projected energetic barriers are at full strength. I feel as if I am walking on social egg shells, wanting to fit in – but at the same time wishing I could run away. I mostly remain silent and observe both myself and others.
Clearing The Air
I run these isolation patterns for the better part of two and a half days. But for me, this behavior is familiar, and I am skilled at isolating and filling my time with productive activities
On the morning of day three, in preparation for our first ayahuasca ceremony, our workshop group participates in a “vomitivo” – a group experience where we all take turns, three at a time, drinking a warm lemon grass tea, and then filling our belly with bowl after bowl of warm, tepid water. Finally, we drink so much that we have to miserably purge it out. It is both a stomach cleanse and a vomiting practice, designed to prepare us for the purging that will follow during the workshop. I join the second group of three. Publicly vomiting for ten minutes is not my idea of a “fun” activity, but I am proud of myself, and I make it through the grueling experience.
Still feeling socially disconnected, I spend my afternoon in my bedroom, preparing for the ceremony – reading Rasha’s “Journey to Oneness”, Listening to Matt Kahn videos on my IPOD, and meditating – reminding myself to find that sweet spot at the calm center of the energetic hurricane – an energetic spot that became so important to me in my previous few ceremonies.
By now, I clearly recognize that I am embroiled in isolation and projection, and I know that it is time to focus on self-love and being kind and gentle with myself.
At 6:00 p.m., two hours before our first ceremony begins, I participate in a low-key pre-ceremony yoga. We begin the practice with a round of sharing among those present. In my sharing, I finally break my isolation pattern by speaking from my heart.
“I realize that I am deeply running old emotional patterns,” I share with the group, “and I want to apologize for that. It is stuff that I am working on healing.”
For whatever reason, just making that honest and genuine statement seems to clear the air and gives me the confidence to let the dysfunctional behavior lose its tight grip.
A Self-Love Focus
Unlike many places I have been, at the Temple (Temple of the Way of Light) we are allowed to choose the starting amount of ayahuasca that we drink at the beginning of a ceremony. Three separate cups are available, and we can choose any cup, or portion thereof. The middle sized cup is twice the amount of a small cup, and the large is three times the small.
I begin the first ceremony of this workshop with a full small cup. My resulting journey is moderate, but as the ceremony progresses, intuitions tell me it is strong enough for my purposes tonight.
After drinking the ayahuasca, I feel guided to strongly focus on self love.
“I love you heart,” I ponder frequently in silence. “I love you Brenda … I love you Bobby … I love you.”
Often, as I begin to experience nausea or feel an unexpected emotion, I catch myself, pausing to ask, “Is this even mine?”
Usually, the intuitive response that I receive is a strong “No, this is not mine,” at which point I focus instead on choosing love and joy. When I do this, whatever I am feeling quickly fades away. Occasionally, the answer is, “Yes, this is mine,” and I allow myself to experience the emotion fully. I am proud of myself for remaining in a beautiful heart space, and for not empathically “eating” the emotions of others.
Shipibo Icaros
My first seven ceremonies in Iquitos were led by shamans from the Quechua or mixed-Quechua traditions.
Here at the Temple, the healers adhere to the “Shipibo” tradition, and they are called “maestros” and “maestras” (teachers). The deep immersion program has one maestro and one maestra at every ceremony. For this entire first workshop, our maestro is “Sui” and our maestra is “Ida”. Both of them are of Shipibo indigenous decent, coming from the Pucallpa region of the Amazon jungle, and each has decades of experience working with ayahuasca.
In both the Quechua and Shipibo traditions, the shamans/maestros sing many songs during an ayahuasca ceremony. The songs are called “icaros” (pronounced “EEE-car-ohs”). The icaros sung by the Quechua shamans are often more melodic with slightly more traditional tunes, sung in the Quechua language (the language passed down from the Incas).
The icaros sung by the Shipibo maestros are quite different, having a much more shrill, vibrational sound, especially those sung by the female maestras. The words to these icaros are sung in the Shipibo language. Prior to arriving, I had listened to a few YouTube videos of a Shipibo maestra, and the sounds really annoyed and agitated me. I had wondered if I could sit through 21 ceremonies with such “different” sounds and style.
But tonight, I am pleasantly surprised. Yes, the icaros are similar to those I heard on YouTube, but hearing them in person is profoundly different. As I experience my first Shipibo ceremony, I love our maestros “Ida” and “Sui”. Their icaros carry a beautiful presence, and resonate with deep energy.
In every ceremony here at the Temple, there are several group icaros sung at the beginning, after which each participant receives two additional personal icaros, one sung by the maestro, and one sung by the maestra. About one hour into the ceremony, the maestros start on opposite sides of the room, and work their way around the group, one by one, singing to each person. Prior to tonight, I thought it might be strange with two simultaneous icaros being sung at the same time, but it is actually quite nice.
Inner Clarity
It is a beautiful, but intense ceremony. To my delight, tonight I do not get lost in, or even feel, the suffering that I felt in previous ceremonies. I manage to remain in that self-love space all evening, using the experience as another level of “empath training school”.
I do experience many visuals during the evening, but they are cloudy and faint, and just like waking up from a dream, I do not remember any of the visual images when the ceremony concludes.
I feel guided to lie down toward the end, focusing on relaxation while holding a rose quartz on my heart and hugging little Bobby-bear.
It is not until nearly two hours after the ceremony closes, around 2:00 a.m., when I have my first and only vomiting purge. Throughout the evening I had felt nausea, but every time the discomfort had dissipated when I asked the question, “Is this even mine?” But after two hours of intense post-ceremony energy, inner guidance tells me that the new nausea IS mostly my own, and the purge comes easily and naturally, with a profound feeling of peace and clarity when the release is complete.
I am beginning to really understand that, unlike many people I know, Madre Ayahuasca is not directly communicating with me with visions and voices or giving me easy answers. Instead, the answers and guidance I do receive come through a form of inner channeling, being given to me through my own now-very-familiar inner knowing/ intuiting style. With ayahuasca, those inner channels are more pronounced and easy to sense – but I am not being treated with visions and magical beings speaking to me as some others experience. Instead, I am being taught to more deeply trust my already established methods.
Whenever I silently ask a question, I seem to already have the answer in my mind. I do not need an outside guru to teach me. Yes, ayahuasca is creating opportunities for me to work deeper, but I am on my own unique journey – one that is building great amounts of self-trust.
Advance Preparation
After spending the entire night in the ceremonial maloca (pronounced muh-LOW-kuh) (a large, circular ceremony space with mosquito-net walls and a tall, steep, thatched roof), I finally return to my own room at 6:15 a.m. on Tuesday morning. I can only giggle when my neighbor is quite noisy. Rather than get worked up by the disturbance, I visualize the ruckus as my energetic hurricane, and I focus on being in the calm and peaceful center. I am beginning to see all external triggers as simply an opportunity to releases emotions with non-attachment.
Tuesday is a beautiful day. After an unsatisfying rest before breakfast, I opt to attend an art space and decide to start playing with sacred geometry designs – a topic with which I have been quite fascinated for several years. Today, for the first time ever, I feel safe in simply following inner feelings, doing and drawing whatever feels inspired, with no concern for the opinions of others. This in and of itself shows great progress in my healing.
I spend the afternoon establishing something of a habit as I prepare for my second ceremony by reading more Rasha, listening to more Matt Kahn, and engaging in more deep meditation. As I do so, I get the intuitive message that for tonight’s ceremony, my issue is “control” – the issue of “following” rather than trying to guide or direct my process.
To my surprise, I start to feel quite nauseous by 4:00 p.m. – a good four hours before the second ceremony is set to begin. A strong intuitive feeling whispers that ayahuasca is already preparing me for the journey ahead.
Enjoy The Journey
During the sharing at pre-ceremony yoga, I tell those present that, “As usual, Madre Ayahuasca is already working with me.” I am so nauseous that I rest during most of the yoga. In fact, when 8:00 p.m. rolls around, the discomfort is so strong that I am not even sure if I want to drink ayahuasca at all.
But just before the ceremony begins, the nausea subsides … and rather than not drink, I actually nearly double my initial dose of last night, asking for an almost-full medium cup. Intuitions tell me that this is the right amount for today. Almost immediately after drinking, my body quivers as a bolt of energy shoots up and down my spine. I know it is too early for the medicine to physically take effect, but the energy inside is already quite active.
After nearly an hour, I am shocked by how easily I slip into a nice and gentle journey without any of the intensity that has marked most of my previous ceremonies – intensity that has often felt as if I were being violently overwhelmed by intense energetic winds. Instead, I am treated to a flow of peaceful and beautiful visuals. (As usual, however, I do not remember any of them when it is all over.) As the images progress I ask ayahuasca to help me to understand them.
“No,” intuitions quickly answer. “Stop trying to understand, and instead, just enjoy the journey. You have been complaining about not having any visuals. This is to show you that you DO have them, but you just keep forgetting them.”
So, rather than trying to figure out what anything means, I lie down and simply surrender to the beauty of my experience. For a minute or two, I begin to see a flurry of blurry images, while guidance simultaneously whispers “fairies are working on your heart”. It all feels quite silly, but at the same time I know it is a very real metaphor, and that something is indeed happening.
A Glimpse Of Love
After a while, I begin to get quite lost. Rather than trying to control my journey, I instead surrender to surfacing emotions – deep and agonizing emotions of suffering. I allow myself to feel them as deeply as I dare. It is a journey that quickly has me sobbing. After an extended bout of emotional expression, Maestra Ida finally sits in front of me and begins to sing an icaro.
Initially, Ida’s enchanted singing calms me, and I listen with fascination. Then, I suddenly see her as a beautiful abuela (grandmother) / madre (mother) figure – one who is compassionately singing a vibrational icaro to me, helping to heal my energy. Immediately I sink into another even deeper round of sobbing as I feel her incredible love and feminine presence supporting me – a presence that is without conditions, helping me at an energetic level in a way I never received as a child.
Deep gratitude fills my heart. Love swarms me as simultaneous sadness consumes me. I feel Ida’s magical motherly support and understanding. It touches me in a profound way.
Feelings Of Déjà Vu
As Ida moves on to my right, I try to remain balanced, without controlling what happens. I soon find myself walking the tightrope, struggling to choose a joyful loving energy while at the same time allowing myself to feel and release the intense inner suffering that is bubbling from the depths.
But the joy side of the equation proves extremely difficult to choose. The emotions of suffering that flow through me are so intense that all other realities feel impossible. Feeling quite weak, I allow the emotions to proceed. In my heart, I know that by feeling the emotions, they are on their way out. I become increasingly lost as the previous afternoon nausea returns, and new waves of tears stream down my cheeks. I want to vomit … I need to vomit … but the time is simply not right. I do not push the process. I am too weak, and I trust that when the release is ready, it will happen naturally.
About halfway through the ceremony, Sui sits in front of me and sings an icaro. This again helps to briefly calm me, and I do feel somewhat balanced when he moves on. But the suffering inside is too strong, and I soon surrender back into the flowing emotion.
When the singing of icaros ends, and the room falls silent, the intense nausea is back with a vengeance. I profoundly remember my experience from New Year’s Eve (See previous blog, “I Choose Joy”, published January 17, 2014), when similar energies had consumed me. I question whether this is simply another round of self-sabotaging behavior, and if perhaps I simply need to meditate out of the nausea – but intuitions tell me that this time I really do need to vomit – yet I can’t seem to do it. I feel as if it is New Years Eve all over again, and I am deeply stuck.
A Screeching Purge
For whatever reason, the Maestros do not close the ceremony, and the silence continues for a very long time. Intuitions tell me that the Maestros know it is not time, and that they are energetically supporting me while waiting for me to finish my process. Part of me feels silly for believing this intuitive thought, telling me it is just ego … yet the intuitions are strong, and I feel the energetic support.
Several times in the midst of this silence, I attempt to vomit, but am unable. Each attempt results in more misery and more determination. Finally, after what must be at least fifteen or twenty minutes, I allow my resistance to fade as I let a series of agonizing and screeching sounds come out of my mouth – sounds of metallic rasping – sounds of demon-like inner densities that are clinging with a life of their own, refusing to leave me. As the sounds release, so do the contents of my stomach.
In an unusual show of support, Maestros Sui and Ida begin to sing group icaros in the middle of the room, both during and after my screeching purge. Again, I get the strong feeling that they are helping me, supporting me.
A few minutes later, I feel mostly better, but something is still in me. Intuitions whisper that it was “a good start, but I am not done yet.”
Laughing And Crying
Eventually the ceremony closes with me still feeling incomplete. As before, I remain in the ceremonial maloca for the entire night.
I am exhausted, unable to relax, continuing to whimper and suffer throughout the early morning hours. I repeatedly try to find the strength to choose joy. As intuitions again remind me of New Year’s Eve, I get the feeling that now I am in my God Drama loop, so deeply lost in the suffering that I refuse to let it go.
Inner memories remind me of how, as a young child, I could so easily move from raging emotion into complete forgiveness in just a matter of seconds. I get a clear intuitive message that now, as a conditioned adult, I cling to old emotions, refusing to let them go, somehow identifying with them as who I am.
Finally, after an exhausting night, I have a breakthrough at around 5:30 a.m., when I am at last able to reconnect with energetic joy.
At 6:15 a.m., I return to my room, attempting to sleep. When that fails, I go into another joy meditation and listen to a little inspiring music. Suddenly, giggles of love start to swell in my heart and I begin to laugh hysterically (as silently as possible). Then, to my surprise, each round of laughter triggers new outbursts of uncontrollable sobbing. It is one of the most profound moments of my journey – one in which I am indeed laughing and crying at the same time – a seeming oxymoron where I am profoundly happy about feeling old emotions leave.
In Guatemala, Keith had often talked about this phenomenon, explaining that is was a highly advanced method of emotional release.
A short while later I step out on my front balcony, listening to Krishna Dass on my IPOD while dancing around with confidence and giggles. I have not been this magically happy at any time in my remembered life.
A Noticeable Difference
The uncontrollable giggles gradually subside during the day, but the good, happy, positive mood persists.
On Thursday, January 23, that same giggly energy continues. Just five days ago I was projecting and triggering all over my workshop group. Today, I feel nothing but love for every one of them.
I still think a couple people in the group are quite “uniquely weird”, but I feel guided to see them as characters from the Harry Potter novels – characters such as Luna Lovegood or Neville Longbottom. I quickly realize that the old me – the socially handicapped me – was so concerned with appearance and fitting in, that I made every attempt to try to appear normal. I would never have considered being friends with “strange” or “different” people. Yet I love Luna and Neville in the Harry Potter books and movies.
“Could I be friends with Luna or Neville?” I ask myself repeatedly in meditation.
I find it a very interesting question. While I love them in the stories, I still feel a twinge of inner fear about being associated with such characters in real life.
As the inner pondering continues in the background, I find that I am having a lot more fun talking to people today. In fact, I even engage in long conversations with two of the older men from my group.
“You can see the difference in your face,” they both tell me.
“You were energetically walled off and unapproachable at first,” one of them adds. “I didn’t know if I should try to talk to you or not. Now, you are totally different.”
New Mantras – New Determination
“I AM Luna Lovegood,” I suddenly exclaim to myself during an afternoon meditation. “When I see others as different or strange, it is because I see myself as a weird and strange misfit.”
Wow, what a profound insight.
As I spend the afternoon preparing for yet-another ceremony, I again strengthen my habit of reading Rasha, listening to Matt Kahn, and meditating in blissful peace – experientially understanding in a profound heart-based way that it is indeed my choice to be joyful or not.
In the minutes leading up to, and just after drinking the next round of ayahuasca, I feel inspired to come up with a mantra that might help me to maintain focus and balance in the midst of energetic intensity – something that will help me not get lost in the suffering.
Soon I have two mantras. The first is simply “Joy, Love, Heart Intentions” – with the meaning of “Heart Intentions” being to remain energetically in my own loving heart space. The second mantra is “Surrender, allow, trust, and feel.” I get the idea that as much as I can tonight, I will repeat both mantras with each breath – the first with every in -breath, and the second with every out-breath.
Tonight, I am determined not to get lost in those swirling energies – not to forget to be in a loving heart space.
Obsessive But Successful
Just as two nights ago, I begin this third ceremony with an almost-full medium cup of ayahuasca. As before, when the medicine comes on, the experience is very joyful and gentle.
Near the end of the first hour, the journey becomes incredibly intense and visual, and I find myself quickly vomiting and purging. The early purge briefly causes me to feel the agonizing emotions that are being released, but my mantras easily pull me back to the energy of joy.
The ceremony is very intense, with many visuals, but as usual I am unable to focus – unable to concentrate enough to move the images into conscious memory.
Throughout this entire intense ceremony, I focus on my mantras, almost nonstop. After a while, my mantras feel almost like an obsession. They are so ingrained in my mind that I cannot stop repeating them. It is almost too much.
Yet intuitions tell me I am doing profound work. I am learning to be in the energy of the medicine without forgetting my higher focus of joy and love. My entire focus throughout the evening is to learn to maintain the joy and loving heart space while simultaneously surrendering to and allowing myself to feel whatever comes up.
And it is a profoundly successful night. I manage to remain in the joy – an almost effortless joy – with no struggle all night long, even with the intensity. Near the very end, I go into deep meditation, focusing on love for everyone and everything in my life, both inside and out, finding magical energetic closure and connection in countless imagined scenarios.
Blissful Joy
The ceremony closes early tonight, finishing up at around 11:30 p.m.. I hang around for a while, but soon follow guidance telling me to return to my room. Shortly before midnight, I begin to drink water, and almost immediately I am consumed with sharp belly pains. Rather than resist, I surrender and allow, trusting the journey, soon preparing for bed.
The moment my head hits the pillow, I return to intense energy swirls, as if I am back at the beginning of a ceremony. My mantras pull me back to balance and focus, helping me to return to peace. I joyfully surf this intense wave for nearly an hour.
“You are going to vomit,” an intuition then suddenly guides me. “Get your bucket now and go to the bathroom.”
I ignore the guidance for a minute or two, but when the intuition repeats itself, I decide to act, getting up, taking my purge bucket in hand, and setting off into the dark. I don’t even make it to my door before the first heave noisily pushes fluid out. I am so grateful that I followed my intuition. I vomit all the way to the bathroom (about 75 feet away), and I sit on the concrete step for a while, finishing the purge. I love how this type of purge always leaves me feeling so much lighter and more joyful.
I soon return to my room, stepping out onto my back patio, blissfully swinging in my hammock while gazing at the amazing night scenery. Soon, I walk into the jungle at 2:00 a.m., taking in more night air. It is as if all ego has been temporarily disappeared, and nothing but love is left.
Finally, hoping to get some sleep, I retire to my bed for a mostly sleepless night, not getting any sleep till daylight. Instead, I listen to music while radiating in blissful joy. Even in spite of no sleep, I find myself feeling fully energized and alive.
Maintaining High Vibrations
It is Friday, January 24, 2014 – day seven of my workshop. Time is playing crazy tricks. Every day feels like weeks, and by now, these first seven days seem like at least a year.
I do get a few hours of sleep in the early afternoon, but my body will not slow down. As has been the pattern, I again spend several hours preparing for my fourth ceremony in five days – engaging in my usual Rasha, Matt Kahn, and meditation processes.
As the ceremony begins, I opt to go for a slightly larger fill on the medium cup. As has been my blessing lately, the medicine starts rapidly and is gentle and gradual.
Last night, I had silently repeated my mantras almost nonstop, all night long. Tonight, I feel guidance to relax a little more, still keeping my mantras in my awareness, going back to them if I start to feel lost, but not constantly focusing on them. I want to see what will happen.
Several times during the evening, I start to feel as if some dark, low vibration energy is trying to join me … and intuitions tell me some creepy energy is nearby. Immediately, I repeat my first mantra, “Joy, love, heart intention,” and the energy feeling shifts back to the light.
“I just need to be in joy and love,” I ponder with a giggle. “If I am centered in my heart, no low vibration energies can even touch me.”
A Blissful Oneness
On many occasions, I begin to slip into nausea, suffering, and misery. When this happens, I repeat my second mantra, “Surrender, allow, trust, and feel,” – asking the emotions to expand and show me what they need from me. Usually, the feelings merely fade. On a few occasions, I reach a point of feeling as if I really need/want to vomit and purge what I am feeling. But instead, I start to discover that “south-pole purging” is what is now needed, and a trip to the bathroom leaves me emotionally feeling so much lighter.
But for most of the evening I feel quite “off”. It is a good experience, but I am quite weak from so many ceremonies in such little time.
Near the end of the ceremony, I feel guided to lie down on my mat. When I do so, I also follow intuition telling me to relax as much as possible.
Suddenly, I go into a beautiful energetic space, feeling as if I am literally merging with the intense jungle energy around me. Words cannot possibly describe what is happening. I FEEL the sounds around me intensify, I experience an actual loud vibrational buzzing of which I am a part, and I blend into the whole of my environment. It is magical, amazing, incredible, and blissful.
Somehow, I have unknowingly merged with blissful oneness. Clarity fills me. There is absolutely no doubt that this is all my creation, all the sounds are just me, this is my holodeck, and I alone get to choose joy or suffering.
In the midst of this radiant magic, I need to run off to the bathroom … but I don’t want to go … I don’t want to lose this experience.
“You can get back here when you return,” Inner guidance reassures me.
But when I return a few minutes later, I have to work at it. Getting back into that magical space is not easy. Finally, with deep focus, all boundaries again dissolve and I am back in the present moment, breathing with the jungle, surrendering and experiencing the sounds and vibrations of everything around me. I rest in this blissful state for several hours before it finally fades, after which I return to my room around 6:30 in the morning. The sun has already been up for a while, and sleep is simply out of the question.
From Exhaustion To Bliss
Saturday is a joyful-but-tiring day. I finally get a real nap after lunch. At around 4:00 p.m., I walk down to the maloca so I can try sleeping some more, without fear of missing the ceremony tonight. I do manage to get another hour or two of much needed sleep, but the process leaves me disoriented and groggy.
During the sharing at pre-ceremony yoga, I can hardly function. I find solace in the fact that two of my new friends are also experiencing the same struggle – that they too are exhausted and unable to function.
As one of these beautiful friends shares how she doesn’t even know if she can drink more ayahuasca tonight, I suddenly have a flash of insight, accompanied by energetic shivers in my spine.
“Is what I am feeling even mine?” I ponder with deep intuitive curiosity.
“No, not most of it,” is the clear answer. “I am disconnected from my heart, and as a result I am feeling a great deal of the emotional exhaustion of others, empathically running it through me, feeling it all as if it were mine.”
Rather than participate in the yoga, I return to my seat and go into deep meditation, choosing to do a “merkaba” meditation that I often love. Soon, I am blissfully radiating profound love and joyful energy, feeling almost no exhaustion. The inner bliss lasts right up until the beginning of the next ceremony – what will be the third in three days, and the fifth in six days.
Loving Focus
Earlier, I had considered cutting back my dosage tonight, but now, in my bliss, I opt to go for a full double dose. Intuitions whisper quite clearly that tonight, I am moving into the core of past self-sabotaging behavior.
It is another night of no vomiting. I often feel nausea, but I never try to force it. Instead, I focus on relaxing and returning to joy – and every time, the nausea subsides. To help with relaxation, I lie down in a reclining position for much of the night.
“Surrender, RELAX, trust, and feel,” I repeat occasionally, reminding myself of how this relaxation focus has helped me so much in recent times.
When I am able to relax and focus, I experience beautiful energy. But I am physically exhausted and weak, and often catch myself drifting off, beginning to get a little lost. Overall, it is an uneventful ceremony – with the main success being that I am able to remain mostly focused in love and joy.
At the close of the ceremony, still doing quite well, I remember that beautiful energetic space of oneness that I achieved just last night. For ten minutes I attempt to get back there, but I cannot even get close to that blissful place. I am simply too tired, and cannot find the passion or strength to keep trying.
Several times in the sleepless early morning hours, I feel dangerously close to slipping into negativity and dark, dense energy. Each time, I return to my mantras and manage to remain in a joyful undertone.
Eventually, for what seems like the first time ever, I actually fall asleep in the maloca, getting a tiny bit of actual slumber. When the sun rises, I return to my room and get another hour or two of sleep before breakfast time.
A Day Of Rest
Sunday is a day of rest. I am proud of myself for completing what people here call the “trinity” – the three back-to-back ceremonies in the middle of the twelve-day workshop.
Other than meals and participating in a group sharing session, I do nothing more than “crash” in my room, getting as much rest as possible, because tomorrow I will begin the final two ceremonies of this first workshop at the Temple.
As I wake up on Monday morning, I finally feel rested and energized – so much so that I even go to another art session to play with more sacred geometry.
After lunch, I retire to my room and play with my solar charger – one I had purchased while back in Utah in November. I am delighted when I am able to get it to quickly recharge my IPOD, allowing me to engage in my usual afternoon of ceremony preparation – another round of Rasha, Matt Kahn, and meditation. As is often the case here in the Amazon jungle, the afternoon is intensely hot and humid. Sweat streams everywhere on my skin as I continue the meditative journey.
But even with the heat, by the time evening comes around, I am feeling quite blissful, ready for another journey into the unknown.
A Trusting Setup
Shortly after 8:00 p.m., as I sit in the maloca preparing to drink ayahuasca for the sixth time in eight days, I ask my facilitator for an overfilled medium dose. As Ida pours from the glass jar of plant medicine brew, I keep saying “mas … mas … mas”. (more). Finally, she pours the correct amount.
I barely feel anything during the first hour after drinking. Even when Sui and Ida begin singing group icaros, I still feel nothing. Later, when they spread out in the circle and begin singing personal icaros, I still feel almost nothing during the first two songs.
“May I have some more please,” I ask my facilitator a while later, feeling convinced that the medicine is not working tonight.
“I will give you a tiny bit more,” my facilitator responds. “I think it is working for you, but just coming on slow.”
After drinking another half of a small cup, I return to my seat.
Around midnight, as Sui sits in front of me and sings the final personal icaro of the evening. I still feel almost nothing – no dizziness, no energetic sensitivity, nothing.
I begin to feel confused and disappointed, but instead, I repeat my second mantra, doing so with a new twist … “Surrender, TRUST, relax, and feel.”
“Wow,” I ponder with confidence, “TRUST … everything is perfect … this is a perfect setup to teach me trust.”
Just before the ceremony is officially closed, I finally begin to feel the energy.
Always Present Love
As silence envelopes the maloca, I suddenly embark on what turns out to be a beautiful and amazing journey in the silent morning hours. I am treated to a constant stream of very clear visual images – images that at times proceed like a storybook. I am occasionally taken back to various events in my life – nothing revealing – just reminders of fun times.
I even get brief glimpses of elves and fairies at one point, and for a while, I begin to feel energetic pulsing in my brain, while simultaneously seeing firework-like lights flashing in my visuals.
Then I am shown an image of myself as a three-year-old child … lost in a fit of intense crying … lost in the pain. I energetically sit by myself as that child and try to comfort little Bobby with words of loving support and wisdom, reassuring him of our amazing life journey and future healing.
But suddenly, as I try to help, hug, and encourage this lost little boy, I realize that “this me” is not even aware of my presence. To him, I am a “future-self” angel that is trying to support and love him – but he cannot see me – he cannot feel me.
“I WAS always there supporting and loving myself, as were countless other higher beings,” I ponder with delightful understanding, “but that tiny child-me was so lost that he could not hear any of the amazing higher dimensional support that was always with him.”
“Wow,” I ponder with deep insight. “It is profound to be observing myself with love, knowing that at the time, I was too lost to be aware of the love that had never left.”
Pride And Joy
The journey continues through various ages and traumatic events in my life. In each case I send massive love and hugs to that version of me, compassionately knowing that the “me” that experienced those agonizing situations was fully supported and loved … I could just not see it at the time. I profoundly love that little boy and young man. I feel nothing but pride and joy for his accomplishments – for his courage, tenacity, and persistence in the face of terrifying odds.
The journey is amazing, bringing me one insight after another. By the time I later scribble notes in my journal, much of the experience has faded from conscious memory, but I know that all of the healed wisdom is still in me.
I even energetically visited with my father for a while (no visuals) – expressing deep gratitude and love, and gaining new understanding. Then, as I focus on my mother, I clearly understand that both of my parents were also always there for me, loving me and supporting me. I was just so lost and walled-off that I could not allow their help.
After a few hours of this magic, I suddenly need to vomit. It comes quickly and easily, and is quite cleansing. When the purge finishes, sparks of joy pulse through my body. From that point forward, the visuals decrease. Yet I continue to journey in milder ways through most of the morning hours, filling me with increasing wisdom and trust.
Being Present
Again, I try to repeat that “oneness with the jungle” meditation that had spontaneously happened two ceremonies ago.
“Quit trying to recreate the past,” Intuition eventually whispers. “That was then, and is now only a memory. Be present in the NOW … be present with what flows naturally.”
Immediately, I focus on “surrender, trust, relax, and feel,” – allowing the present moment to be what it is. As a result, I am repeatedly blessed with additional tiny healing experiences for hours to come.
Several times in the journey, I am presented with evil images of frightening masks or demon-like faces. Each time, I smile with love, stare at the image with a confident heart, and the image dissolves or morphs into something funny and joyful. What would have caused fear in the past simply results in confidence and giggles.
At some time around 4:00 a.m., the journey fades, but active energy continues to pulse in my body and head. The energetic activity continues until after breakfast time, not allowing me to get any sleep at all.
It is among the most profound journeying I have done to date. Even with the lack of sleep, I overflow with joy and love. My mantras again served me beautifully. During the experiences, I never once lost sight of the joy and love.
An Ironic Statement
Tuesday, January 28, 2014, is a beautiful day. I rest in the morning, and then enjoy a magical conversation with my facilitator before returning to my room to prepare for the seventh and final ayahuasca ceremony of this workshop. As I again read more Rasha, listen to another Matt Kahn video, and meditate ever deeper, I feel quite anxious, but trusting.
As usual, I go down to the ceremonial maloca quite early, arriving around 5:15 p.m., giving me time to rest without fear of falling asleep and missing the ceremony. Joy continues to flow in my veins as an underlying energy.
“I need professional help,” I jokingly giggle as I share at the start of pre-ceremony yoga. “I can’t seem to get this crazy grin off my face.”
It is only in retrospect that I see the irony in my statement.
A Humbling Experience
I begin by drinking the same size cup as last night, again having to tell Ida “mas … mas”. And just like last night, the medicine is very slow coming on. I wait, and wait, and wait. There is an intense “pressurized energy” in my chest, telling me that something is happening, but my head and mind remain quite clear until the close of the ceremony around midnight.
I remain unattached to events, and focus on deep relaxation, knowing that when I can relax I feel things more deeply. Intuitions tell me to put my mantras aside and see what happens, allowing the journey to take me wherever it might.
Eventually, the energies take effect, and some visuals begin, but it is not calm or beautiful as it was last night. There is intense energetic pulsing throughout my body, but primarily in my chest – but I am not yet fully aware of it.
The intensity is NOT joyful, and as hard as I try, I seem unable to find that feeling. I try to surrender to the energetic pulsing, but I cannot. I try to “pretend” – to imagine feeling joyful – but this accomplishes nothing. Misery consumes me. The suffering feels justified and comfortable.
“These emotions are NOT me,” I occasionally remind myself. “These are just energies flowing through me.”
But try as I might, I am unable to detach from identifying with these “my precious” miseries (reference to God Drama and Lord of the Rings). The experience is all quite humbling.
Intense Pulsing Confusion
Finally, I recognize that I am lost in panic, fear, and terror, and that the pulsing in my upper chest literally feels like an energetic attack. It is an energy trying to tear down more walls – walls around my heart. My body is freaking out in self-defense, trying to keep the walls in place.
Again, I try to focus on joy, but intuitions clearly tell me, “No, in this case joy is a defense … a prayer for attack … an attempt to block what needs to happen. I NEED to surrender to what feels like attacking energy and allow it to have me.”
But I cannot seem to find the strength to surrender. I am too weak, rattled, and miserable. I start to moan a few times before I catch myself.
“No,” I remind myself. “I need to feel these emotions, but I will NOT get lost in the misery.”
I am proud of myself as I focus on my breath while finally surrendering. Even so, the experience is not easy … it is intense with fear and pulsing confusion.
“I need to sit up and meditate, NOW!” Intuitions whisper.
An Angry Mob
I sit upright and begin focusing on my heart intention … on being in my own loving energy space.
“Is what I am feeling even mine?” I ask with curiosity.
“Yes, much of it is mine,” the intuitions respond, “but not all of it.”
But in this case, awareness does not give me strength. I am exhausted and weak from lack of sleep, and I still feel as if I am being attacked (even though I know it is a good energy trying to show me a newly identified wall of fierce resistance – a wall around my heart).
Somewhere in this confusing energetic agony, I am presented with a faint visual – one that grabs my strong attention and migrates quickly into conscious memory. It is like a faded photographic image, perhaps sepia or black and white. It is an image of a mob or hoard of angry people, holding their fists in the air, their mouths open as if they are yelling words of hate-filled protest.
“This is inside of you,” Intuitions suddenly burst forth with clarity.
My heart sinks at the thought.
Bring It On
I am in and out of the pulsing intensity as the barrage of agitated energy continues all night long, lasting well into the daylight hours.
Somewhere in the middle of the early morning hours, I vomit. The consistency of what comes out surprises me. It feels acidic in my throat and is frothing and bubbling like a carbonated drink when it sits in the bucket. Intuitions tell me that even my vomit is bubbling with agitated, acidic, anger and hatred.
I feel humbled and weak as I try to love myself … but I cannot feel the emotion of these “I love you’s” in my heart. The thoughts of self-love are empty and hollow. The idea of such an angry and hateful mob inside of me feels devastating and discouraging.
I hold little Bobby-bear, playing with him excitedly, trying to giggle and feel innocent love – but the feeling is fleeting and nonexistent.
In retrospect, it is a very profound and powerful experience. But at the time I feel lost and hopeless. That “grin on my face” has totally vanished.
But even in the midst of the struggle, I am proud of myself for maintaining connection with my intuition. I clearly understand all of the imagery and messages. I understand that I have been shown another wall around my heart – one that is beginning to crumble – one filled with putrid emotions of anger and hatred.
“You are being presented with your next healing journey,” Intuitions clearly flow.
Logic tells me that tonight was a huge backslide on my journey, but I choose to trust my heart and intuitions. I know that this experience was a massive leap forward into new growth adventures. I know I have been asking for more heart opening, and I am ready to do whatever is necessary to work with this unexpected emotion.
“Bring it on,” I giggle in my misery.
Insights Of Perspective
At 8:20 a.m. on Wednesday, January 29, 2014, I finish scribbling my handwritten notes for the final ceremony of this first workshop. I am exhausted, and my ears are ringing with intense, shrill, cricket-like noise. My third-eye and high-heart chakras feel energetically congested, and jittery energy pulses mildly throughout my body.
But I remain deeply grateful to “Madre Ayahuasca”. This first workshop has served me in beautiful ways, and I can now spend the next twenty days working with this new layer of healing metaphors.
“Wow,” I ponder weakly, “seven ceremonies in nine days. It is a period that literally feels like years. I have experienced so much growth … and there is so much more yet to anticipate. But right now, I just need some sleep.”
As I ponder, I realize that last night was actually far more gentle than several of the ceremonies that I experienced last month in Iquitos – especially the two at the end of December. This insight puts everything into perspective. I HAVE grown so much in so little time.
All Is Well
After scribbling the above words, I feel guided to listen to some pick-me-up music. Soon, I find a group of healing songs on my IPOD and begin to listen. As the song “I Am Woman” begins to play, I grab Bobby-bear and Brenda-doll and have them start joyfully dancing to the music. Together, we all giggle with pure innocence. Seconds later I begin to laugh as quietly as possible.
Suddenly, the laughter combines with uncontrollable sobbing. I repeat the song four times as the laughing and crying continues intensely – uncontrollably. Each time that I begin to get lost in the sobs, I step back, take a breath, and surrender the suffering to more giggles.
By the time the fourth repeat of the song concludes, I watch as Bobby-bear and Brenda-doll dance together in harmonic, smooth, loving purity and innocence. They ARE happy and in love with each other – my masculine and feminine selves ARE healing.
As I play with my metaphorical inner children, I fully understand that I am really working with profound inner energies. The healing is very emotional, but quite profound. I know that all is well.
Deeply Deserved Rest
Late that same evening, I find myself meditating in bed. It has been an odd day – one of cycling between giggles and even deep emotions of suicidal failure.
An ego part of me argues that a week of pure joy was suddenly “ripped away”, and that it is hopelessly gone forever.
The “intuitive me”, however, reminds me that the image of the angry hoard of people – the hateful mob that is inside of me – is NOT ME … it is just energetic residue inside of my emotional body. I am NOT that anger. I will NOT identify with it. Instead, I focus on loving the anger and hatred … yes, it is a call for love, and I will find the healing love that is necessary.
As I further meditate, I finally find my heart-light, once again. I reconnect to the power source of unlimited divine love and rest in blissful peace.
“No mob of haters can touch me unless I lower my vibration to match theirs,” I ponder with loving confidence. “Through my whole life I have done just that … lowered my vibration whenever I was around such emotional energies.”
Finally, I am able to fall asleep and get some deeply-deserved rest. This first twelve-day ayahuasca workshop has been quite the amazing journey.
… To be continued …
Copyright © 2014 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved