As I go to bed on Sunday night, May 27, 2012, I find myself immersed in two conflicting realities. The first is peaceful … a reality of feeling Higher Energies dancing in the crown of my head. The second is crazy-making, a reality of having disconcerting emotions of utter confusion flowing through my body like a raging river – a reality of how I felt as a very confused child.
But shortly after 1:30 a.m. on Monday morning, I am wide awake, struggling in the overwhelming currents of that raging river of confusion. I realize that this is nothing but a continuation of a childhood regression that is flowing through me on its way out of my reality – but the emotion is so strong that I get lost in it, sinking in the turbulent waters, hanging on for dear life.
I spend an hour or more feeling like an utter loser, reviewing emotions of frustration and jealousy about how everyone around me seems to be succeeding, while I continue to flounder – a hopeless and abandoned looser. I know these emotions are not real, but I allow myself to feel them as part of a “know myself” exercise – an exercise that is deeply emotional.
Profound Mirroring
I eventually go back to bed, but am unable to sleep. Shortly after 3:00 a.m., I again get out of bed, allowing another torrent of emotional negative self-talk to pull me under, banging me into painful self-defeating feelings – feelings that the detached observer in me is barely able to categorize as nothing but childhood stuff that needs to come up-and-out. That observer-self is weakly hanging on to present-day reality as childhood stories of deep confusion continue to consume me.
“Is this what I really went through as a child?” I ponder the raging emotions. “I felt ignored, abandoned, and confused … desperately needing help … desperately needing validation because nothing around me made sense. I could not reconcile my reality with what my parents told me, and I was scolded and reprimanded for even trying to talk about it. I was genuine in my struggling confusion … but humiliated for trying to seek help.”
“In magical ways, the reality I have created here in San Marcos is profoundly mirroring how I felt as a child,” I ponder in deep frustration.
In the midst of this involuntary morning meditation, I vacillate between mind-numbing computer games and deep emotional release. Finally, feeling unable to do anything else, I return to my bedroom, turn on the light, and just sit on the edge of my bed until sometime after 5:00 a.m.. I am clearly aware that I am regressing into childhood emotion as I experience intense dizzying energies in my head. I do not judge myself nor do I attach to these emotions – but they are so overwhelming and crazy making that I find it nigh impossible to handle this much emotional pain.
Crazy Dream Symbolism
Finally, sometime before 5:30 a.m., I must fall asleep, because at 6:15 a.m. I suddenly awaken with vivid memories of three weird and very crazy-making dreams – the first two involving Keith. It is easy to figure out that since I have been projecting so much of my God drama onto Keith lately, that in these dreams, Keith really represents my frustration with God and Higher Energies. In both dreams – dreams involving weird scenarios – Keith leaves me feeling confused and ridiculed – making me feel crazy – yet as I look at the dreams from a rational perspective, I was quite sane in the dream. It was the outside events in the dream that were crazy.
“Wow,” I ponder, “this is clearly a reminder that as a child I was quite sane, but everything around me that was being done in the name of “God” literally made me feel stupid and lost – like an alien – like an Ugly Duckling – or a tomato in a garden of radishes.”
In the third dream, I find myself at a restaurant with friends, ordering a fruit drink from the menu. When the waiter brings my drink, it is a huge container filled with dark liquid. Everyone around me ooooo’s and aaaaah’s, excited by what they see, asking me what it is. When I ask the waiter for a menu so that I can show my friends what I ordered, I have to search extensively, because the menu has changed. When I finally find my drink, I note with utter confusion that the list of ingredients is written in some incomprehensible Greek-like characters. After this third dream, I wake up feeling angry, frustrated, and confused by the crazy-making going on around me.
Subtle But Profound
Finally, at 8:00 a.m., having been unable to sleep since 1:30 a.m., I walk out to Keith’s home to ask if he can fit me in for a private appointment sometime today. When I return home for breakfast, I continue to experience ruthless childhood mind chatter, demanding that I am an absolute loser … that I have no chance of fitting in … that everyone gets rewards except for me … that I get punished for trying to be real and genuine, resulting in confusion and rebellion.
I am an absolute wreck as I walk out to Keith’s house for my 9:30 a.m. appointment. Halfway there, I bump into a friend who claims to deeply understand what I am going through, but then profoundly invalidates my inner work approach by sharing something like “I was shutdown to joy too … but then I just chose a different path, finding the joy and the light. Now, I simply refuse to let go of my joy at all costs, and that is working for me really well.”
As I ponder this friend’s words, I feel her judgment rather than compassion, invalidation rather than understanding. I clearly see that her wisdom and intent are good for the long-term goal – and maybe this is her own unique journey – but my unique journey requires me to access and heal these inner childhood blockages BEFORE I am consistently able to find that joy or access to the light about which she talks.
As I continue my journey to Keith’s home, I ponder words from “A Course in Miracles” – words that clearly state that we do not free ourselves by simply shining the light on our darkness, but that we must bring the darkness into the light – a subtle but very profound difference.
Powerful Reminders
As Keith and I first sit down together, I quickly fill him in on my long night and the crazy-making dreams … and about the continued river of intense agitated confusion-based emotion. Keith quickly congratulates me on the process in which I find myself, and on the insights that continue to flow regarding my emotional struggles as a child.
“This is exactly what happened to you time and time again in your childhood,” Keith emphasizes. “It was brutal. You were raised in a good religious home with parents doing absolutely the best they knew how … and it was brutal abusive conditioning.”
Before proceeding, Keith feels guided to pull a tarot card for me – something that is external and separate from his words. To my delight, the card he pulls from the deck is the “Universe/World” card – the highest of the major arcana cards.
“This card is to show you where you are at in your process,” Keith again emphasizes the profound depth of my inner work journey. “This is a powerful marker for what you are doing right now.”
Over the course of the next few minutes, Keith again reassures me that his guidance is that my process is perfectly designed for me, and that there is no self-scamming going on. In fact, he highly praises me for surrendering to such a powerful process that feels so hopeless and crazy, reminding me that I have been trudging deeply through multiple core issues and through my God drama – reassuring me that I should be proud of myself
“Remember that I spent three years in my own process being humiliated,” Keith encourages me. “You need to do what you need to do in your own process, regardless of what people might think, even if that means you need to humiliate yourself. Do not resist your flow.
Trust The Process
Next I ask about my struggles and “feeling like a loser” because many people, especially the younger and more magical crowd, are having powerful energy experiences without seeming to be doing any deep emotional work of their own. Keith quickly reminds me of my own process … beginning two years ago … where I too experienced many trust-building magical energy experiences before then diving deeper into my core issues.
“Some people need light and magical experiences to help them to trust the process,” Keith reassures me. “Everyone will have their own core issues come up when and if they need to have them come up.”
“Your process is profound and powerful, and exactly what you need and designed,” Keith again reassures my doubting heart.
Several times during this beautiful and much needed conversation, I access emotion and deep tears. I desperately needed to hear these profoundly validating words to remind me why I am doing what I am doing.
Inner Answers
As Keith goes quiet and begins to meditate, I start to do the same. But soon, I begin to ask questions, seeking guidance about how I can surf the waves rather than repeatedly having my face rubbed in the sand below the waves.
Keith continues meditating, seeming to ignore my questions, giving me the clue that the answers I seek will not come from him.
“My present process is perfect for me,” I soon share my own insights. “Sometimes I am learning how to surf and am able to be up on top of the waves for a short time. When I fall off, I do rub my face in the sand until I manage to get back up. But it is all perfect for my education … exactly what I need to learn about humiliation … to earn my inner license. There is nothing wrong with the way I am doing it.”
“The key is in not judging myself,” I continue my own answer, “in finding self-love and self-acceptance for being right where I am … in following the flow and not trying to control the process … in staying out of my head and trusting my heart as best as I am capable at each moment. That is what I need to do.”
“Congratulations on your insights,” Keith finally breaks his silence.
Over the course of the next hour, Keith and I repeatedly engage in many other similar conversations where my questions are first met with silence until I come up with my own answer.
Deep Ramblings
“You literally are in limbo between two worlds,” Keith confirms when I begin to share how I feel so lost, no longer fitting into the world of my birth, yet not fully understanding the world I seek to embrace.
I again hit deep emotion as Keith and I discuss how my old world is crumbling around me, and how I do not yet know, understand, feel comfortable in, or trust my new world.
“It is a very frightening and crazy-making place to be,” Keith smiles at me, “and a very profound place to be.”
Keith and I soon delve into discussing how I feel an inner imperative, a heart-generated inner mandate driving me to do this inner work. I feel as if I have no option but to comply and follow my heart and these inner feelings.
“Fears may stop me in my tracks here and there,” I share with Keith, “but I regroup and keep going. I have to … I cannot do otherwise. At times when the fear of going forward is too great, I pause … but then, when the fear of not going forward becomes greater, I re-embrace that inner imperative, and I take another step.”
When I ask Keith about the crazy swirling energies in my head, Keith reassures me that his guidance is that these energies are good … that something is opening … but that the swirling, discomfort, dizziness, and confusion that I feel are still my resistance and fighting of the energies at some level.
“But how do I stop resisting …” I begin to ask Keith.
“Wait,” I interrupt my own question. I just need to keep undoing my inner blocks, following the flow of my process, and that resistance will continue melting.”
I actually love how Keith is encouraging me to find my own answers rather than simply handing them to me on a platter.
No Other Choice
Finally, I ask Keith about the comments my friend had shared with me on my earlier walk out to his house … comments implying that I was wrong for diving into my dense emotions, and that the answer was to simply embrace the light and inner joy.
Rather than answer my question directly, Keith pulls two additional tarot cards, placing one in each hand. In my left hand is a card that Keith later tells me represents the words of my friend, and when he reads the description of the card from his book, Keith emphasizes that the card represents surface level and illusion.
In the right hand, Keith places another card to represent my deepening journey into my own inner work. Keith later interprets this card as “flying higher into an emotional journey – a journey of mastery.”
As I weigh the options of each hand, I realize that my friend’s path – at least for me – would be covering my densities with a layer of light, accessing fake joy – fake-it-till-I-make-it joy. I trust that this would be a good path into finding stability and joy – but that it would not heal my inner blocks that prevent me from consistently accessing true joy. It is clear that my path of diving ever deeper into my density is neither fun nor joyful in the present, but that it takes me into true healing, true mastery of my emotions, and eventual joy that exceeds my expectations.
I decide to choose the path I am already on … of doing inner work to the core, no matter how crazy and backwards it may appear to others. Inner mandates give me no other choice.
A Personal Mapmaker
As our beautiful session (one that is more of a profound discussion) nears completion, Keith again reiterates to me something that he feels deeply guided to share.
“Brenda, even though you may understand at a head level just how brutalizing your loving upbringing actually was,” Keith guides with emphasis, “you still have not reached the bottom and full understanding of what actually happened to you during your childhood shutdown.”
I quickly remind Keith how he recently used a metaphor of having three inches of nasty density remaining in my huge blue barrel.
“Brenda,” Keith adds clarity. “The three inches does not mean you will be done soon. It may happen tomorrow, and it may take years or even another lifetime. The metaphor only means that a huge amount of your density has already been processed. I cannot possibly tell you how long that final part will take.”
“But can’t you give me a recipe book … a rule book … or an instruction sheet for finishing my process?” I ask Keith with a sarcastic giggle. “Please, can’t you just get a recording device and simply channel the instructions for me?”
Keith and I both know that I am being silly and facetious, but he then gives me a serious answer.
“Brenda,” Keith responds, “I’m guided to tell you that each of us is our own mapmaker for our own unique journey … that you need to create your own map to guide you on your way. That map will flow through you and not the other way around.”
Exhausting Chocolate Processing
As I finally return to my home at 1:00 p.m., I am too tired to cook, instead choosing to dine on gourmet street-cart French Fries, a peanut butter and honey sandwich, and a handful of peanuts.
Exhaustion consumes me, and soon I am sound asleep. When I finally awaken to an annoying alarm (mine) at 4:15 p.m., my entire body is groggy and exhausted – the same feeling I have when I realize that I may as well just stay in bed for the rest of the day. But I do not have the luxury. Today we are bagging another 250 pounds of freshly ground chocolate.
I remain quite groggy as I spend a late evening double checking weights on bags – bags that others are filling from buckets of liquid chocolate, fresh from the grinding process – bags that are then sealed and laid out to harden into solid blocks of pure traditionally-processed yummy chocolate.
As I rest on my bed at 10:00 p.m., my pillow never felt so good. Before falling asleep, I ponder a few hurt feelings, but quickly forget all about them.
Oneness Wisdom
As I prepare to return to writing on Tuesday morning, I find two quotes from the “Oneness” book by Rasha, just waiting for me in my inbox. Both are profound and apply directly to my present process.
The first is a “Moment of Oneness #53” quote that reads as follows:
“You have choreographed every move, so that you might be brought to this moment – regardless of what it took to get you here. Your unique dance is a reflection of your own interaction with that inner resistance. And it is that which has kept you bound to the illusion of the old paradigm and the gospel of limitation to which many of you were wedded. It required the wrenching experiences of disillusionment that you have weathered to break the bonds of some of those ties. For, the power of guilt and fear continued to nourish the unrelenting sense of helplessness with which many or you emerged into awareness in this reality. Transcending that conditioning is a fear not to be underestimated.”
The second is a “Wisdom of Oneness #41” quote that reads s follows:
“Allow the episodes of greatest intensity to play out unimpeded. For, your judgment of the depth of your feelings could serve to inhibit the authenticity of your response. The objective here is not restraint, but rather, release.”
These profound quotes deeply inspire me throughout the day as I eventually publish “A Profound Glimpse Of Grace” … doing so with a giggle. I love remembering how having someone scream at me was such a profound spiritual and energizing experience.
Uncharted Territory
Wednesday morning, as I read my morning emails, I am delighted to find yet another quote – A Oneness quote that I have not yet received. I take it as a great compliment that Keith sends this to me, reminding me that I am indeed a pioneer on the border of uncharted territory as I let go of the old reality and work toward embracing the new.
This is the quote, “Moment of Oneness #73”:
“The spirit of adventure has captured the imaginations of many amongst you who recognize yourselves to be true pioneers on the border of uncharted territory. For you, the need to cling to the familiar has given way to an indisputable sense of being very much on track, despite evidence to the contrary. And as the intensity of the experience builds and culminates in the shift to come, your surefootedness, based on your own experience, will override the need for external reference points. The time for developing and strengthening that inner-balance is now, so that you may stand up and be counted in the “here and now” to come.”
A Worrywart Attack
As happy moods consume me while preparing for a Wednesday afternoon chocolate ceremony, I am suddenly pulled back to emotional memories from Monday night – memories of a sharp verbal attack that had been thrown my way as we prepared to bag those yummy 250 pounds of chocolate.
In innocent and perhaps nervous/worrying exuberance, I rapidly blurted out that before we start, we still need to train the people on how to use the scales. This is a responsibility that I have performed repeatedly at most every chocolate bagging (the ones where I was present) for more than a year and a half.
For whatever reason, the flow of my process was preparing me for another growth opportunity – another deep inner journey through the core of my pain.
“Brenda,” A suddenly friend slammed me loudly, “WE WILL TAKE CARE OF THAT. DON’T BE SO WORRIED. You are so anxious, pushy, controlling, and freaked out, blah, blah, blah.”
I do not remember the exact words of this friend, but I do remember with profound clarity the intense pain I felt at being so viciously attacked for what in my heart was just a genuine attempt to serve with integrity and efficiency.
My friend’s words had wounded me deeply. I believed they were profoundly vicious and unwarranted – yet I did indeed recognize a familiar pattern of my life – a pattern of me being a “worrywart perfectionist” being slammed for being anal and just trying to help things move more efficiently.
My “I am a social loser” emotions had been triggered big time – reminding me of an agonizingly familiar pattern of being made-stupid, made-wrong, and that even before I finish opening my mouth, my foot is already lodged securely inside.
After that painful attack, I had deeply withdrawn for the rest of the evening – quietly doing my job while repeatedly focusing on “It is not about my friend, it is not about trying to help with chocolate bagging, and nothing changes until I do.”
A Double Slam
Today, as the afternoon ceremony is starting up, one person asks if we can burn copal incense today. This is another of those tasks that I have taken a major role in facilitating over the last year and a half – always assisting Keith in the setup and continued placement of incense chunks on a glowing piece of charcoal.
But today we have a huge crowd on the porch, with people filling every square inch.
“With the porch this crowded, we will need to move the table and find some space,” I quickly blurt out as I prepare to assist.
I am feeling somewhat concerned by how awkward and inconvenient burning the incense in such a crowded and large group might be … yet I am quite genuine in my desire to facilitate and serve. Apparently, my “worrywart” emotion is again obvious to those around me who are empathically sensitive.
“Brenda, quit triggering my anxiety,” the same friend who attacked me on Monday night takes another swing at me. “We have it handled! Back off and let us do OUR job!”
Immediately I withdraw in shock. I am deeply hurt. I was just eagerly attempting to be of service as I planned to do what I always do when we burn incense.
“Who made HER the boss?” I pout in profound pain. “And who made me the dummy that is no longer allowed to take any type of leadership role in helping on the porch? Who made her the queen of the porch, thinking she has all of the magical power to rein supreme?”
“Again, I am being made out to be a stupid, dumb, controlling, annoying, panic-stricken, social outcast named Brenda,” I ponder in frustration. “F@ck her … f@ck it all. I was just trying to help.”
Total Self-Loathing Loser
Again, I crawl into my wounded shell, feeling extremely hurt and angry – but saying nothing about it. I quickly review the relationship rules about how “it is not about her, it is not about burning incense, blah, blah, blah” – but I cringe at the thought of trying to apply that “inside job” responsibility here.
“I know I create my own reality, and that this friend is playing a role for me,” I ponder with an attempt at genuine introspection, “but how dare she be so rude! I was genuine, eager, filled with love and integrity. I was feeling really good today, just trying to help. HOW DARE she slam me like that!”
As I ponder, however, I again recognize the feeling of this “being the story of my life.” I am deeply betrayed and offended, hurt and pissed-off, wondering if I can ever possibly let go of feeling betrayed by such rude treatment.
“I am a social nerd,” I again slam myself. “Even now, I cannot interact without people telling me so. I am a total self-loathing loser.”
Reeling In The Pain
As I sit in my pain, I seriously think about just standing up and walking out of the chocolate ceremony … but I somehow know that this incident is the theme of my work for the day, and that I need to follow the flow. Throughout the “Glow Meditation, I sit and hide under a scarf, struggling with deep emotion, sometimes quietly sobbing and dry-heaving in an attempt to feel and release the pain. It takes me until the very end of the meditation, but I finally succeed in reeling in my projections and anger at my friend.
“I no longer need to be right,” I ponder with loving confidence. “I no longer feel a need to make a scene by defending my honor and intentions.”
“Who would like some help today?” Keith asks as he finishes up the “Glow Meditation.”
Based on my emotional release, I think it should be obvious that I could use some help, but Keith does not even glance in my direction – seeming to intentionally ignore me. I ponder the fact that asking for help is one of my biggest God drama issues right now. Finally, I decide to speak up, even if people do think I am stupid and depending on Keith too much (from gossip that a certain projection-buddy has spread all around town).
A Protective Shell
“I would like some help,” I finally share with Keith. “I am deep in my God drama and childhood stuff. Twice this week, someone has played the other end of my script, slamming me with make-wrong and make-stupid comments for being such a social loser while at the same time my heart has been genuine and eagerly joyful.”
“I now realize that this is a lifelong pattern of devastating heartbreak,” I continue, “and that it probably stems from childhood – from being slammed and scolded and made wrong for being stupidly-joyful in ways that my family could not understand. My genuine intentions were slammed by others and I simply withdrew into a shell, wallowing in disbelief about how I could be so deeply misunderstood and devastated by judgmental make-wrongs.”
“Brenda, close your eyes,” Keith begins to guide me. “Find that place inside of you where you keep that shell. Try to find it … explore it … and learn about it.”
After several minutes of tear-trickling and struggling meditation, I finally mention that I cannot visualize any shell – that I am not sure if it is a turtle shell or a full seashell-like enclosure – but that based on the nausea I feel, I am guessing that the shell is in my solar plexus.
“Good Brenda,” Keith congratulates me. “You found it at your power center, where your power is used to generate the shell. Now connect with the part of you that generates the shell. Get to know all about it.”
I struggle to focus, but force myself to go deeper as Keith moves on to start working with someone else.
Betrayal Understandings
As Keith spends considerable time moving around this large group, he eventually returns to work with me. In the interim, I have built a pile of tissues by my side while experiencing deep emotional release, going ever deeper into the pain.
“It has been quite the journey,” I fill Keith in on my progress. “I realize that it is a turtle shell, very hard and protective, and that my arms, legs, and head are extremely clenched because they are my exposed parts that are trying to prevent energy exposure to the arm, leg, and head holes of the shell.”
“This shell is the metaphorical place where I hide and protect myself from all of the energetic and social bombardments … the slamming comments, scolding, make-wrongs, and make-stupids … the place where I hide out to heal myself and to lick my wounds.”
I explain to Keith that this is a very STRONG protection that I put in place as an extremely wounded child, trying to stay alive and to protect myself from the external barrage.
“But the shell also kept out Higher Energies,” I continue, “energies that I saw as the source of my betrayal. I realize that I have been extremely selective about who I allow inside of my shell … allowing only people that I deeply trust and who love, understand, and validate my genuine heart.”
“If I do let someone in, and they betray that trust, hurting me in some way,” I add more insights, “then they trigger that betrayal energy, I block them out of my inner shell, and I then have an extremely difficult time healing that betrayal.”
I further add that there are only a small number of people in my life with whom I have managed to repair and release that feeling of having been betrayed.
Surrendering Control
“And I now clearly see that God is one of those betrayal energy components that I no longer trust … as is my childhood mother.” I continue sharing my journey. “I always thought I had locked my mother out during major life events later in life, but I now realize that I locked her out when I was an infant … I could not handle her fixing energy. That shell protected me from people who did not understand me and who tried to fix me, to make me normal, to force me to fit into the “sheeple” world.
“It was not just your mother,” Keith quickly points out.
“Yeah, I know that,” I respond. “She is just the primary face because she was always there trying to help me to conform, while not understanding the nature of my struggles.”
“I get that I cannot fix this,” I acknowledge after spilling my guts for several minutes. “I am standing at the bottom of that five-meter wall of glass – knowing that I cannot climb to the top under my own power. I am trusting the flow of my river, trusting that I was guided to this understanding, and that I will be assisted by my Higher Self in the healing department.
“That sounds like a good plan to me,” Keith congratulates me before moving on to work with others.”
Painful Ponderings
Meanwhile, I continue to ponder how this “shell metaphor” relates to my struggles of social isolation with both certain people and groups – clearly recognizing that I have only felt safe associating with those who earned the trust of my inner-shell environment.
I suddenly realize that only those who have been inside my shell are capable of triggering my betrayal energy – that it is only after someone has earned my trust that I allow myself the vulnerability of being deeply hurt by them.
I again ponder my feelings about the friend who twice this week has deeply triggered me. I love her, but when she glances my way with a glow in her eyes, I am unable to make more than fleeting eye contact. There remains too much pain and I quickly turn away.
I am clearly grateful for how my friend triggered me, taking me deeper into this profound growth and understanding. I see how she served me deeply – but the inner betrayal energy is strong and I am terrified regarding whether I will be able to heal that sense of betrayal.
I sit with these painful and ever-deepening self-realizations until Keith begins to guide the group in an empath training.
Intense Group Processing
I am still isolating myself as Keith begins guiding others through phase one of the empath training. As I attempt to participate, I encounter a great deal of inner fear and panic, so I quickly back off a little, deciding to disengage from the process.
Soon, after phase three, Keith invites a man to sit in the middle – a man who inhales and sponges up densities from the environment. As Keith asks the man to allow others in the group to assist him in releasing the densities that he carries inside, the experience evolves into an intense and dramatic one. I continue to resist participating, especially when others in the group begin to sing.
As I observe, my own inner fear and panic continue to swell as the group continues to sing. Finally, I soften my resistance and join in, still feeling deeply emotional from my own earlier processing.
When the unusual process is over, Keith asks if any others would like some help. Four or five people, including me, quickly raise their hands. In a strange twist, Keith asks everyone who raised their hands to sit in the middle while the remainder again hold space and assist as empaths.
A Higher Being Specialist
I sit in the middle with my head down, cycling in and out of mild tears as Keith guides the group through a deep meditation intended to help us allow higher energy assistance.
I begin to feel some energetic lightness as I surrender to the process and ask Higher Energies to assist.
“It is time to bring in more self-love,” Keith mentions at one point.
Just seconds earlier, I had imagined myself beginning to dance with my inner children – attempting to help my inner children feel more loved – to help them heal their “isolation shell.”
“Bring in a Higher Being that is a specialist,” Keith soon guides the group, “one that has special skills that are not needed or used every day.”
I quickly imagine a Higher Being who is a specialist in removing impenetrable, un-removable shells. To my delight, I instantly get the intuitive feeling of a Higher Being with a surgical saw, grinding into my steel turtle shell. Soon I start to see the process as a gradual removing of layers as I slowly feel lighter and lighter energy in my back and shoulders. It feels as if a mild cool breeze is wafting through what are now small cracks in the shell.
Apology Needed
As Keith starts to meditate silently, a new man on the porch, one that I have observed as fixing, asks if he can put his hands on my back.
“Please no,” I respond, still feeling resistant to allowing the man into my shell.
“It seems I still need to be understood before I will allow assistance,” I ponder with confusion regarding how I rejected the offer. “I need my apology from God … I need to be understood and validated by Higher Energies before I will allow them to assist me.”
I begin to second-guess myself for saying “No” so quickly, but I stick by my feelings. I see the experience as another eye-opening part of my process.
Healing Hugs
Finally, as the ceremony is fading, I stand up and approach the friend who had harshly slammed me earlier. I am terrified to speak, knowing that any attempts to explain myself will only turn into a disempowering defense – knowing that as hurt as I feel, that I cherish our friendship and desire to heal my feelings in whatever way possible.
As I stand in front of her, I pull my friend into a tight hug. We embrace for several minutes before I sufficiently humble myself and whisper the words “Thank you.” No other words are needed … no explanations … no apologies … no make-wrongs or defenses … just a thank you. She knows what she did and I know that it was a script played on my behalf by someone I love and trust – even though I have questioned both love and trust quiet deeply in the midst of the experience. I know that whatever guided her to do what she did is precisely what I needed to take me deeper into my pain and understanding of betrayal energy – deeper than ever before.
After about five minutes of continuous hugging, my friend squeezes me and I let go. But within five seconds she grabs me again, and we hug for another twenty minutes while the porch clears.
“Thank you,” I whisper one more time somewhere in the middle of this long and healing hug.
In response, she squeezes me tighter, and we exchange genuine sisterly “I love you” statements. Finally, I tell her “Thank you” one last time and release the embrace.
I then turn to Keith who is doing final porch cleanup, squeezing him in a tight thank-you hug as well, letting go a minute or two later, without exchanging a single word.
Filled With Shock
After gathering my belongings, as I prepare to walk away, I finally speak.
“Wow,” I exclaim with shock. “That was really profound and deep. Is that the bottom of my God drama? … the ultimate reason why I refuse to allow higher energies? … so many things fit together in the puzzle now.”
“You’ll find out,” Keith responds with a smile.
After again saying thank you to my friends, I turn and walk away. As I begin my trek up the steep street next to Keith’s home, I hear him call out.
“Thank you Brenda, great work today,” Keith congratulates me.
I am still in shock, walking all the way home at a snail’s pace. As I later scribble a few notes, I remain in shock, experiencing light energy in my crown, pressure in my forehead, and starvation in my stomach.
Inner Congratulations
As I ponder on my pillow, I again congratulate myself on having handled a profoundly painful experience – for having explored deep feelings of betrayal with loving detachment – and for having done and said what I needed to do and say today – doing so with class and non-defensiveness – doing so not caring what people might think of my process, not caring if I was too down, low, draining, or emotional – doing so not caring if I humiliated myself.
“I just did what I needed to do,” I congratulate myself. “I worked with Keith with no bravado, not depending on him, and not needing personal or group acknowledgment regarding the profoundly deep inner work that I know I was doing – not needing any validation at any level.”
“I was doing powerful, profound, and meaningful work,” I ponder with an exhausted smile, “even if, on the surface, everyone else thought I was a bawling emotional ninny.”
Repeat Regression
Thursday morning, the last day of May, I am completely unprepared for the emotions that greet me. Ego is alive and raging, causing inner storytellers to ramble on and on about “poor me … what did I do yesterday to deserve such treatment by a friend … what is it that makes me such a social loser … what can I change … won’t someone help me?”
I really want to walk out to Keith’s home to ask for honest feedback, but I am terrified to receive such feedback.
“What if he tells me I really am a social loser?” I ponder with fright.
After a few minutes on the internet, I return to my room, start to meditate, and suddenly experience a few waves of intense emotional release that barrel through me like a freight train. I push my sobbing face into a pillow in an attempt to keep Sufi from hearing my painful outburst.
By now, I have finally caught on to the fact that I am running another layer of regressed childhood/teenage social agony through me. The emotional reality is so intense and overpowering that I struggle to maintain a thread of not identifying and not attaching to the pain. The emotion is very real, agonizingly painful, filled with hopelessness, victimization, and clueless confusion.
“My heart is real, pure, and genuine,” the inner voices cry out. “Why do people treat me like such a loser?”
Period Of Upheaval
I give myself permission to experience this agonizing emotion, returning to my room as more waves of tears and accompanying insights flow through me.
“This emotion is not from the present day,” I repeatedly remind myself. “Let it flow. Do not identify as being that social loser … do not attach … it is real emotion … but it originates from the past.”
“How dare you do that to me,” I suddenly flip God off, feeling more deep anger and pain.
As these feelings fly through me, intuitions again remind me that having been shut down socially was a part of my own divinely inspired plan … that it was something I chose prior to birth … something that was necessary for my inner license.
As I again return to my email, I find another Oneness quote, “Wisdom of Oneness #42”. I love the reassurance that these words provide:
“Trust that there are levels of consciousness within you that understand precisely what is happening and why it is necessary that you be subjected to this period of upheaval.”
Seeking Closure
Realizing that writing today is out of the question, I volunteer to run an errand for Sufi – one that takes me on a short boat ride to San Pedro. While there, I take the opportunity to connect via Skype with a dear friend back home. I desperately need the sanity and support. Thank you so much Rose.
After returning from a much-needed break, I walk out to Keith’s home at 3:00 p.m., hoping to achieve a little closure – hoping to receive some honest feedback, no matter how painful it may turn out to be.
When I share with Keith about how I felt betrayed by my friend’s actions yesterday, he acts surprised, responding, “What are you talking about?”
When I fill him in, Keith bluntly explains that when I entered the conversation about the incense burning, I came in with negativity and judgment – with a strong worrywart, this-can’t-be-done energy.
“It was very strong,” Keith shares with emphasis.
“I feel as if those words came flying through me, unpremeditated, as if out of nowhere, from another dimension,” I explain to Keith. “My intentions were calm and genuine, but I suddenly found myself speaking anxious words that surprised even me. I have the strange feeling that my own teenage self channeled them through me so that I would trigger new levels of growth and healing.”
A Confusing Dilemma
“I am afraid of jeopardizing yet-another friendship,” I express genuine fears.”
“Your friend is going through her own frustration as the other end of your script,” Keith reassures me. “It is part of her learning process. Just allow it to play out and let her have her process.”
Keith’s words are deeply healing, providing me with trust that all is well in the friendship department.
“Brenda, you do have the occasional manifestation of negativity, worrywart, and cannot-be-done energy,” Keith gives me painful feedback.
As I listen to Keith’s words, I sink into a mild emotional release as I again experience more teenage I-am-a-loser emotions flowing through me. Soon, I thank Keith and acknowledge that I am interrupting his busy day, and that I should probably leave now.
“Brenda,” Keith smiles back at me, “you are not done yet. Stay put.”
I cry a while longer, continuing to let this hopeless and futile emotion flow through me. I am again lost in the “I am a total social outcast … a stupid loser” emotion.
“I feel as if there is no point in going on,” I express the crazy emotions to Keith. “It is like an emotion of f@ck it all … I cannot do this anymore … there is no point in trying.”
“That is why you need the light to help you,” Keith responds.
“But the dilemma is that this is the very reason why I am still subconsciously not allowing the light,” I reply with frustration. “How can I allow the light to help me, when a huge part of me is still refusing to allow the light?”
On My Own
“It is time to work with that “I-need-an-apology” energy,” Keith soon suggests.
“Can we schedule an actual session to work on that?” I beg for assistance.
After responding “Sure”, Keith goes into his house to grab his appointment book, but when he returns a few minutes later, he surprises me.
“I am being guided not to schedule an appointment … and that you need to do this by yourself first,” Keith tells me unexpectedly.
This thought triggers me greatly as I sink into additional God drama “abandonment” panic – a feeling of “I need help but God (as projected onto Keith) is not going to help me.”
“How can I possibly work on one of my deepest issues by myself?” I beg Keith to reconsider.
“Brenda,” Keith reassures me, “you are profoundly good at such inner work. You just keep forgetting that. You don’t trust yourself … you have a huge eraser.”
Keith quickly reminds me of many profound experiences that I have beautifully detailed in my blog.
“Yeah,” I protest, “but I am in such a whirlwind process, that I cannot remember from one ceremony to the next before the flow takes me in another direction. I have to go back to write and integrate before I remember much of anything. And then I forget about that too … it is all happening so quickly with such intensity … it is overwhelming.”
Ragged Embarrassment
“I’m getting quite strongly that you need to spend some time working on this by yourself first,” Keith again shares his inner guidance.
I again protest as Keith and I banter playfully for a few more minutes – minutes in which he reminds me of my childhood insistence that my mother do things for me – reassuring me that it is time to begin letting that dependence go.
“Thank you,” I share with Keith as I prepare to go home.
“Or maybe I should say f@ck you,” I quickly add with a deeply sarcastic giggle.
“It is natural for you to project your God drama all over me,” Keith laughs back at me, knowing I am only kidding in deep frustration.
As I walk home, I know I am in a beautiful place, I totally trust Keith, and I realize it is time to take this next step on my own … but my emotions continue to flow with intensity.
I am scheduled to participate in another Skype session in less than two hours – another private session where I am holding space while Keith works with a dear friend back home. I am so embarrassed to enter another such session while feeling such ragged emotions.
Inner Voices
At 6:30 p.m., I find myself back in Keith’s kitchen. I am not sure how much support I can be for my friend … but the process turns out to be beautiful.
In an effort to meditate and hold powerful energetic space for my dear friend, I significantly raise my own vibrations and get in touch with a few metaphorical pains at the center of my heart. In a strange (but expected) twist of synchronicity, my pains interact quite beautifully with the process of my friend in Utah – and we are able to energetically assist each other.
After working with various energy centers in my body, I finally begin to meditate quietly with my own issue at hand – the issue of an inner voice that demands an apology from my friend, and from God.
As I connect with this aspect of myself, another part of me is quite clear that the “demand for an apology” is all bullshit – that needing such an apology is nothing but the voice of ego or some other inner liar.
I soon involve little Bobby and Sharon, inviting them to my inner conference room, asking them to take these inner liar voices and to roll them up in a carpet before carrying the bundle off to an angelic garbage can.
“Wait,” I quickly change the instructions, doubting myself. “Take those voices off to our Higher Self for disposal, just in case they are a loyal aspect of my self that simply needs job retraining.”
Raising Vibrations
As this beautiful ceremony concludes, I am a completely different person. All of the teenage emotions that had been raging through me all day have vanished. It seems that this layer of agonizing pain has been transmuted by the beautiful Higher Energy of the session tonight. I realize that there are likely more layers to follow, but with each layer of regressed realities flowing through me, I gain more awareness, more non-attachment and clarity that what is happening is actually very powerful.
As Keith walks me home in the dark night, we have the brief opportunity to discuss my own process.
“I’m getting that those inner voices are aspects of you,” Keith shares his guidance. “They are parts of your energy that you once asked to protect you … they are deeply wounded parts of you that need love, understanding, validation, and healing.
When I mention to Keith that I am also feeling that another layer of soul retrieval and self-love resonate as appropriate for my process, he again confirms that I am on the right track. I realize with confidence, that the actual process will be a combination of “all of the above,” but that self-love is at the top of my list. I am eager to take the time to play with this.
Scorpion Interludes
After a beautiful and peaceful conclusion to an emotionally turbulent roller coaster ride, I sleep soundly until 3:30 a.m. when I notice a light on in my living room. As I step out for a quick restroom trip, Sufi corners me and announces with excitement that there is a scorpion in her room.
With giggling memories of a profound synchronous experience just over a year ago, one in which a single frightened scorpion had stung me three times, I eagerly help to catch the little messenger in a peanut butter jar. Even though the scorpion appears to be a part of Sufi’s process, I love the message of transformation and change. What I do not love, however, is not being able to fall back to sleep.
Every Step Of The Way
These last five days have brought an intense roller coaster adventure of overwhelming regressed childhood confusion and teenage social issues. The experiences prove to be so agonizing and convincing that they nearly suck me to the depths like mysterious reality-quicksand. But to my rescue, beautiful healing events continue to bring clarity and reassurance that the painful emotions are indeed only realities from the past that are flowing through me like a raging river. I would not wish these experiences onto anyone, but in an odd sort of way, I see them with gratitude as being amazing healing and training for the future.
These past realities have pulled me into painful memories of being a total self-loathing social looser, and then finding my way back again – of drowning in swirling confusion before returning to present-day clarity.
Perhaps the most painful growth has come from the two events that triggered much of this excruciating emotional replay – synchronous events that I can now clearly see were triggered in amazing ways. Intuitions whisper that both my friend and I were actually channeling emotional scripts that were necessary to trigger the next layer of my growth.
And those crazy God drama insights just keep flowing as I further explored another metaphor for the tight protective shell that keeps me shutdown in a mode that prevents me from trusting and allowing Higher Energies to more profoundly assist.
As this final day of May enters the history books, I feel overwhelmed by the intensity of the process that continues to rage through me – but am also delighted by the beautiful synchronicities that continuously guide me every step of the way.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved
