Brenda's Bicycles

As I wake up on Saturday morning, February 4, 2012, feelings of mild rebellion pulse through my veins. I feel stuck, beating myself up as a looser that will never be able to get out of my head – and never fully open the magic of my heart. I suppose those two weird dreams last night have something to do with this – dreams in which I was left feeling confused and guilty.

I mull around in front of the computer, catching up on emails, browsing the internet, and playing mind-numbing repetitive computer games – games that always give self-deprecating mind chatter an opportunity to grow and expand.

I attempt to bring in love as I had done several times yesterday – but I am unsuccessful. My solar plexus hurts and I simply feel no love. I recognize that I am profoundly looping in doubts and other ego behaviors – and as the observer I do not buy it – but nevertheless, the emotions are overwhelming.

I watch myself cycle through these dysfunctional ego loops with full awareness of what I am doing, not attempting to exit the loop, simply using the experience as an opportunity to know myself.

A Draining Detriment

This is one of those occasional Saturdays where I have been invited to assist in a private chocolate ceremony for a group of volunteers participating in a local project. I arrive early to express my concerns to Keith.

“I don’t know if I am a good addition to the ceremony today.” I express my crazy confused state to Keith. “I am in so much emotion that I am not sure if I will contribute or take away from the ceremony. Will you check your guidance for me?”

“I’m getting that you will not interfere at all with the ceremony,” Keith reassures me, “but my guidance also says that you do not need to be here if you choose to do something different. It is your choice.”

Knowing that my presence will not be a draining detriment on others, I make the decision to stay, hoping that maybe I can contribute, and that perhaps the ceremony will help me in my own process.

Deep Triggers

At the start of the ceremony, I remain cordially helpful but mostly hide in the shadows – not wanting my emotions to rub off on others. To my dismay, much of the bantering and pre-ceremony conversation between the group members actually makes me feel more disconnected, wanting to run away and withdraw, to dig a hole and climb in to isolate.

Finally, Keith pulls me into the mix by asking me to assist as an empath while helping someone to release their emotions. Soon, as Keith conducts an empath training for the group, I decide to follow along and participate.

As Keith guides people through phase one of the training – a phase where they experience their old patterns of bringing the painful emotional densities into their own bodies – I begin to fill with deep profound fears and my solar plexus starts to swell with pain. Yet I do not feel any actual flow of energies. I continue to doubt myself. It seems that for the last month or so, in nearly every empath training that I participate, I am deeply triggered. My empath abilities remain mostly shutdown, and something inside of me is terrified of reopening them.

I attempt to bring in love, but the more love I feel, the more my fears also surface.

In Crisis Mode

During phase two of the training – a phase where Keith guides people into allowing the emotional densities of others to pass through their bodies without “eating them” – without storing them in their bodies – I sink into deep panic. My heart is filled with fear and agitation. Intuitively, I know it is my little inner children cowering in terror.

As this overwhelming panic begins to consume me, I return to my cushion by the kitchen door and disengage from the training. As I emotionally isolate myself, I feel the freak-out that is raging in my heart. I observe and invite love, but am so consumed in my process that I am oblivious to everything around me.

“What about phase three?” I eventually interrupt Keith when I see him moving on with other parts of the ceremony.

“Brenda, we already did that while you were deeply engaged in your own process.” Keith reassures me.

“Wow,” I admit with shock, “I am in such strong crisis mode with my little inner child, just trying to bring in love, that I completely tuned everything else out.”

A Frightened Love-Starved Dog

Almost immediately, my mind is again pulled back to memories of a video that I recently watched – the one of a frightened dog that desperately needed love. For some reason that I do not yet fully understand, I profoundly identify with that terrified little dog – I see that little dog as being representative of me as a tiny child. I identify with the dog’s love-starved fear at how those around her will just try to suppress and control her. The dog’s panic-filled screeches cause me to sob – and the dog’s response to finally being loved reminds me of how I have repeatedly screeched and sobbed, several times on the porch over the last few weeks, when someone has simply hugged me with pure unconditional love.

Since the video seems to be such an integral part of my process, here is a link to it in case anyone else wishes to watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8KwKgumceM.

As I briefly share with Keith, I mention the video and express that a part of me feels frightened that reconnecting to this empath sensitivity will literally “fry me … blowing out my circuits again like that frightening spark in my shower a couple of months ago.”

Powerful Connections

I sit quietly in this panic while Keith continues to work with others. Remaining totally out of my head, I imagine myself sitting in the back seat of a car, observing my process without trying to be in the driver’s seat. As I do so, I begin to feel a gradual increase in peaceful loving energy that starts to fill me.

Suddenly, I experience a beautiful space of loving vibration that radiates from the upper front of my throat and runs right down to the center of my heart. I feel the energy in a powerful and physical way, as if a three-inch-wide channel of strong and stable love is running from the top of my throat right to the very center of my heart.

All feelings of panic immediately cease as relaxation consumes me. Intuitively, I know that this experience is a beautiful energetic connection involving the Christ/Cosmic-consciousness of the high heart, being powerfully connected to my expressive chakra (throat) and my love center (heart).

False Connections

“How is your inner child doing?” Keith unexpectedly checks in with me a while later.

“Oh, she’s doing fine.” I respond without actually giving it much thought.

“No,” Keith counters, “actually ask her.”

As I try to connect with the energy of little Sharon, I do not feel much of a real connection, but I do continue to feel amazingly peaceful.

“She is loving and peaceful.” I again share the surface level feelings that are all I am able to feel.

“No,” Keith insists, “find her in the conference room or something. Actually connect to her. How is she feeling?”

Relegating Control

When I imagine sitting in my inner conference room with Sharon sitting in a nearby chair, I suddenly feel a traumatized little girl who recognizes that something powerful just happened – and she is still shaking, as if she is going into shock or PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).

“Now you are connected with her,” Keith finally congratulates me.

I love how Keith knew exactly what he was looking for – how he already knew that my little inner child was struggling – and how he made me actually connect to her energy and figure it out for myself.

“Tell her that you will shut this all down if she wants you too … if it is too overwhelming for her.” Keith guides me.

I clearly recognize that Keith understands that little Sharon is quite frightened by all of the powerful magical connections that just opened – connections that have been blocked for decades – connections that she has kept shut down for a very good reason.

Building Trust

In a meditative chat with my metaphorical little girl, I visualize myself handing her an electronic variable-speed control device that she can use to control the flow of power between the throat and the heart. I tell her that she can use the control to turn the flow on or off, or to adjust it to any speed in between.

As I give Sharon this power, I immediately feel the flow of energy in my upper chest slow down, and then gradually stop. But rather than panic – because I as the adult crave this flow – I simply trust. Soon the flow, the feeling of peaceful opening gradually starts up again – but being considerably less powerful than before.

I make no attempts to judge or control what little Sharon is ready or capable of accepting. I peacefully allow her to have the power to decide – to build trust with me that I will not use my love for her as a way to manipulate or control.

Physical Confirmations

Later, as Keith guides someone through a soul-retrieval process, I too intuitively sense an energy above my head, and decide to invite it into my heart. As I attempt to pull the energy into my heart, the process does not feel right … I am forcing it.

Finally, after about five minutes of resistance and failure, I surrender and ask the energy to show me how it would return. Very soon, with no effort on my part, I feel increased energy flow in my crown and upper forehead area. I actually feel sharp pinpricks in a tiny spot at the center of my upper forehead – as if someone were lightly and gently poking me with sharp needles.

I love how the physical sensation tells my rational mind that something real is happening. While I know that my third eye is not yet fully awake, I have the strong intuitive knowing that this energy, whatever it is, is now home, where it belongs. I feel more energy vibrations in this area of my head than I have ever before experienced.

Raised Red Flags

There is a young man on the porch who is deeply stuck in painful inner child issues. I will call him Joe. As Keith works with him, the young man comes up against some very powerful inner fears. It very clear that right now, Joe is too afraid to go any deeper into his inner journey.

Three times during the ongoing conversation between Keith and Joe, I can see and feel the fear in Joe’s eyes as he expresses that he is too afraid to go deeper, that he is not ready etc… Three times, I observe as Keith lovingly honor’s Joe’s fear, reassuring him that there will be no pushing, that when there is too much fear it is best to back off and to come back to process the issue on another day.

Twenty minutes later, as Keith has his back turned while working with someone else, I observe as Paul goes to sit in front of this young man. I watch with horror as Paul begins to encourage this young man to face his fears and to go deeper. I see the panic in Joe’s eyes as Paul tries to energetically take Joe to where he has already clearly stated that he is too afraid to go.

It is clear to me that Paul’s intentions are pure – but he seems determined to push Joe to where he knows he is capable of going. All of my red flags go up as I observe this strong scenario of pushing.

Concerned Whispers

Trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, I find the right moment to tap Keith on the shoulder. When Keith glances up, I calmly point toward Paul, and then lean over to whisper my concerns in Keith’s ear. I am not trying to get Paul in trouble. In fact I am not at all triggered by Paul’s behavior … but I am deeply concerned about the ramifications of what he is doing to Joe.

Thirty seconds later, after Keith quietly checks in with his guidance, he glances back at me and gives me an incognito “OK” sign.

As Paul’s pushing continues, I watch with a weird combination of concerned detachment. It pains me to watch as Joe gets a very fearful and stressed look on his face – while at the same time trusting that Keith is deeply guided in allowing the situation to continue, at least for now.

Frightened And Stunned

Ten minutes later, Paul stops what he is doing and interrupts Keith who is still across the porch.

“Tell Keith what you just told me.” Paul instructs Joe.

Joe continues to look frightened and stunned, saying absolutely nothing.

“He’s too afraid to do this in public with this group.” Paul then repeats Joe’s still-unexpressed words to Keith.

It is obvious that Paul thinks he is helping, first by pushing, and then by exposing details of Joe’s fears to all of his peers. Paul appears clueless as to the trauma he is causing, actually seeming to believe that Keith is now going to jump in and somehow push Joe into further opening.

Connecting Eyes And Hearts

When Keith lovingly acknowledges Joe’s fears and responds that now is not the time to work with them, Paul sits down and disengages from the ceremony. I perceptively sense that Paul now realizes he has done something wrong.

Joe is noticeably traumatized, with tears in his eyes. For most of the entire remainder of the ceremony, Joe stares at the ground.

My heart is broken. A few times when Joe does look up, I briefly connect eyes with him in a loving non-threatening way, just letting him know that I feel and understand what he is going through.

As the ceremony eventually concludes, Joe is the last to leave, as if he is intentionally hanging around, hoping for some closure. I too am hanging around, because I desperately hope to discuss the situation with Keith.

“How are you doing?” I ask Joe with a loving tone when he comes over to hug me goodbye.

“OK,” he responds glumly before turning away and beginning to walk down Keith’s garden steps.

Needed Lessons

A few minutes later, after everyone else but me has left, I am delighted to see Joe walking quietly back up the steps.

“Is it OK if I stay to talk for a while?” Joe asks timidly.

“Oh, please do.” I give Joe a huge hug. “I am so glad you asked. I could feel your fear and trauma … and I am so grateful that you want to talk about it.”

Keith soon comes out and explains to Joe that he had checked his guidance and felt that it was appropriate to allow what had happened – that it would be a powerful lesson for all involved.

“You needed to find the courage and power to speak up and follow your heart.” Keith reassures Joe. “And Paul needed a lesson to learn how he still pushes people in inappropriate ways.”

“And I needed a lesson in learning to trust guidance.” I ponder silently to myself.

Joint Benefits

The three of us engage in delightful conversation for the next thirty minutes before Joe finally departs feeling happy and empowered. I am so grateful for the peaceful inner knowing that my participation was an important part of this beautiful outcome.

“Keith,” I soon beg for clarity, “what if Joe had not come back? He would have left feeling traumatized, having had a very bad experience today.”

“But he did come back.” Keith smiles at me – a smile that indicates Keith knew all along that everything was going to be OK.

It seems that I still doubt the principles of joint reality creation – that I still see part of the process as somewhat random – that I still believe one person can get their needed lesson while another might walk away being victimized.

It is not until I write six weeks later that I fully see that Joe came back because his Higher Energy deeply guided him to come back – that it was a beautiful setup for all involved. I am deeply grateful for what I learned from this experience, and in retrospect, I can clearly see how it benefited all involved.

A Singing Heart

For the next few minutes, I take advantage of the opportunity to discuss my own process with Keith. He congratulates me for not buying into my ego loop of getting lost in doubts, for bringing in the love and staying out of the way, and for not letting the interference of mental chatter distract me.

“You did beautiful work today.” Keith speaks in reference to the connecting work I did with my little inner child.

At that moment, Paul walks back up onto the porch.

Having found beautiful closure to everything I wanted to talk about, I quickly hug Keith and excuse myself. Something tells me that Keith and Paul need to have a conversation – and it is one in which I have no desire to participate. I still find myself feeling quite fearful of potential conflict, and am deeply grateful that this is Keith’s magical porch and not mine.

After a quick meal of rice and beans, I again grab my IPod. I am feeling unusually magical and alive, and for the next two hours I dance and sway around my kitchen and living room. Even after going to bed, my heart sings as I continue to sway my arms to the beautiful music.

An Agitated Abdomen

After a peaceful, relaxing Sunday morning, I soon find myself back on Keith’s porch for the third consecutive day in a row.

As the afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway, the energy in my solar plexus is extremely agitated. I have no idea what it is about – whether it is pain, fear, self-hatred, or whatever. To my surprise, right before beginning the glow meditation, without me having said anything about what I feel, Keith turns to speak to me.

“Wow, that is intense!” Keith exclaims as he points to my abdomen. “I feel it strongly.”

I never cease to be amazed by what Keith can feel – and how he can feel such intense pain in others without letting it affect him.

As the glow meditation proceeds, I just bring in love and light, not judging the pains that I am experiencing – pains that remain quite agitated. Instead, I simply breathe energy into my heart and focus on trying to feel self-love.

The agitation continues, but rather than judging it, I accept and love the pain as being part of my process – and I love myself for having the pains.

Simply Following

As Keith begins working with individuals, I feel mild inner prompting to go work with one specific woman. Finally, after ignoring the feeling for ten minutes, I give in and go sit down in front of her.

I do not know why, but I feel guided to mostly maintain my distance, occasionally touching her lightly with a finger on the back of her heart chakra. I match my breath with hers. When she begins to make noises, I “ohm” lightly. After a long period of sitting in front of her, I sense her energy begin to lighten as she starts to hum a very pleasant tune. I have no idea what, if anything, that I did, other than to hold space for her, but she is delightfully happy now.

Meanwhile, I have simultaneously been sending energy to a nearby man who is deeply stuck in anger. I sense his desire to go deeper into anger and pain – something I have assisted him in doing on a previous occasion. I hold space for that, sharing energy with him in whatever way my intuitions guide.

After about twenty minutes, Keith suddenly gets up from across the porch, and briefly works with the woman seated next to this man.

“Work your magic and help Brenda work with him.” Keith then asks this woman while pointing to the man that I am assisting.

The Profound Power Of Love

To my beautiful surprise, this woman places her hand on this man’s heart and begins to lightly sing a song that sounds like an angel – a song sending him angelic love.

“Love that little boy.” I encourage my young male friend. “Let him feel this angelic love.”

Rather than going to anger, where I had believed he wanted to go, the young man sobs and sobs as he brings desperately needed love to his precious inner child. When his inner process finally ends, I am deeply honored to have been a part of it – and I have learned so much about the profound power of love.

Releasing Rising Emotions

Soon, as Keith begins to lead into a beautiful empath training, I begin to sink into my own process. The agitation in my solar plexus had mysteriously disappeared while I worked with others, but now the pains are returning in a big way.

“I have a scared child shaking in my solar plexus.” I briefly share with Keith before he launches into the training. “My little inner child is not sure if we want to open up our magic any further.”

During phase one, as Keith asks people what types of things they do to release the emotions taken in from others so that they have room inside to eat more of that density, Keith shares with the group about how I, as a child, used to isolate myself and play the piano – how that was one of the only manners that I could express my emotions in a way that was not made wrong.

“Yeah,” I speak up briefly, “I used to sink deeply into the emotions when I played. It was the only outlet I had.”

As these words leave my tongue, emotions swell within, and I begin to tear up. A woman to my left feels my pain and starts to help me, but I lovingly share that I need to do this alone. At the moment that she had touched my hand, my emotions vanished, and part of me continues to insist that I cannot allow these emotions to be taken from me before I feel them.

Dropping Resistance

Halfway through phase two of the training, I am deeply struggling with emotion. I want to open up more, to feel and experience more – but deep fears continue to shake inside. I consciously focus on remaining connected to my inner children. I do not want to push them in any direction that they do not want to go.

During the third phase of the training, I am experiencing so much inner fear that I turn and ask the woman to my left to help me now. She quickly takes hold of my hand.

I am quite proud of myself for dropping my resistance to outside help – but to my surprise, her assistance does not seem to help at all.

I am so deep in the fears of my inner children that I emotionally shut down for a few minutes, focusing solely on my own process.

Suddenly my attention is pulled back to the group.

Angry Denial

I observe that Paul is working with someone nearby, and as he begins to enter an old behavioral pattern, Keith stops what he is doing, turns to face Paul, and points out to Paul what he is doing.

(I am doing my best to not give specifics here … but I need to talk about the situation in general terms.)

“I don’t agree with you.” Paul fights back. “I demand additional explanation and justification for what you are telling me.”

“You are not doing it at the conscious level,” I innocently add my own comment while just trying to help. “It is something you are doing at the subconscious level.”

“I want evidence.” Paul demands, as he insists to Keith that he is wrong. “I have worked with several people today … I want to hear the feedback from them.”

At Paul’s request, one woman speaks up and indicates that she sees this behavior a lot, that she is deeply sensitive to it. Keith then provides additional info, after which another person indicates that they too noticed the behavior.

Paul refuses to admit anything, and is in forceful and angry denial.

A Verbal Left Hook

“Paul, can I give feedback?” I ask.

Normally, I do not like to give Paul such feedback, but since he asked the group for more understanding, I feel guided to speak what comes through me.

“Yes,” Paul reluctantly responds after a short pause.

“This all reminds me of what happened with Tom last Friday.” I genuinely provide my observation.

“I didn’t blah, blah, blah.” Paul lashes back.

“No, you didn’t.” I calmly respond. “But you ARE doing exactly what he did. You are in complete denial, refusing to look inside yourself, and laughing off what everyone is trying to say to you as not being true.”

Paul discounts my comment and laughs at me. I get the strong intuitive feeling that he sees me as a crazy woman who is just trying to make his life miserable. I know he is projecting some type of authority figure onto me, but he has never yet been able to see that.

“Paul,” I lovingly respond, “I am just giving you loving honest feedback, coming from pure love in my heart. I see you do the same thing in most ceremonies … and you did ask for feedback.”

“I don’t need to hear this from someone who can’t even allow herself to open up to her own magic.” Paul slams me angrily with a sharp verbal left hook.

The Fish Aren’t Biting

Keith again reinforces his original feedback to Paul, but Paul just refuses to see it, quickly discounting what Keith says as hogwash.

“That is fine,” Keith responds with love, “go ahead and don’t believe me, and if it is an issue, it will come up again in the future.”

Paul soon goes over to sit in a corner, angry and pouting.

As I observe in stunned silence, I begin to giggle – but just on the inside.

“Wow,” I think to myself. “I do not feel any emotional charge at all. I had ample opportunity to project, to be angry, to feel attacked, to feel victimized, and to get defensive … and I DID NOT TAKE THE BAIT!”

“I treated Paul with pure love,” I further ponder. “I spoke from a place of love and took nothing personally.”

As these empowering thoughts flood my mind, I begin to sense huge rushes of self-love for this profound realization. He gave me ample ammunition to suck me into a huge round of emotional conflict – and I simply did not bite. Instead, I experience a deep sense of gratitude for what just happened.

Abdominal Advice

To my shock and surprise, as I bring all this new self-love into the picture, my abdomen begins to go stir crazy with angry feelings.

Now I start to giggle on the outside. I realize that I am “busting ego” as Keith has called it. I feel pure love, no emotional charge at all. Yet my belly is screaming that it wants to get angry, to project, to defend itself, to be a victim, to throw a vicious temper tantrum … but still, I just giggle at it.

When Keith soon feels guided to turn and work with me, I explain to him what is going on.

“Bullshit was just dumped all over me and I didn’t take the bait,” I giggle to Keith. “And my abdomen is going crazy, absolutely insisting that this is not right, that I must be furious, that I must throw a huge tantrum.”

“Do you have any suggestions on how to work with this abdomen of mine?” I ask with a delighted peaceful smile.

Tantrums To Giggles

“First of all, don’t make fun of it.” Keith calms down my giggling self-understanding. “This is a real part of you that needs something. Go sit with this angry part in your abdomen and find out what it needs.”

“It needs my love and compassion.” I respond to Keith a few minutes later. “It wants permission to throw a tantrum, and it needs my love … my self-love and divine love.”

“Why don’t you try something different?” Keith suggests an alternative plan. “I agree with you, but trust me on this.”

“Go down there in front of this energy,” Keith guides me. “Then stage your own crazy overdone tantrum … and see what happens.”

As I imagine myself flailing my arms and legs, holding my breath and throwing a major fit, I start to giggle. I sense that this energy in my abdomen really wants to giggle back at me, but instead holds firm to its angry emotional stance.

I would love to laugh … I would love to belly laugh … but am not quite able to go there.

My Own Empath

“How is that child now?” Keith follows up a few minutes later.

“She wants to release this emotion.” I respond, after meditatively connecting. “She is tired of being a victim. This is intense energy, it hurts us both, and she wants it out.”

“Why don’t you, as the adult empath that you are, go in and be the empath for this little child that wants to release this emotion?” Keith coaches me.

As I hold my hands radiating energy toward my own abdomen, I meditatively express my intent for this inner emotion to be released through me.

Suddenly, my fingertips light up with a strong energy flow. The energy in my hands is unusually intense.

Convoluted Power

“Stop the flow of energy.” Keith guides me in a strange turn of events.

Simultaneous with my intent to stop the flow, the intense energy in my hands returns to normal. I know Keith is using this as an object lesson to teach me about this energy.

After a few minutes, Keith then suggests that I resume the flow. As I meditatively express my intent to again have my inner child release this energy to me, the physical energy in my hands suddenly gets very strong, once again.

Over time, the energy flow grows stronger and stronger. It is amazing and extremely powerful, but not quite as strong as the lightning-bolt-strength energy that blew me away on the porch in November 2010 (see blog “Lightning Bolts”, published Dec 16, 2010).

The more this energy flows out of my hands, the more I feel things churning around in my abdomen. The angry tantrum in my abdomen gradually settles as the energy in my hands skyrockets.

“Keith,” I beg for understanding, “could this energy in my hands be my own density from the solar plexus that is now being transmuted and returned to me as pure power?”

Keith surprises me when he agrees that this is a beginning part of my true power coming out – but then clarifies that it is not transmuted density.

“The pains in your abdomen were your own power that has been inside out, twisted, and upside down in such a convoluted way that it has been extremely painful inside.” Keith shares new metaphors with confidence. “That power is now being released, free to be what it was originally.”

“A lot of your power was pushed outside of you when you were a child.” Keith adds. “And that will come back in the future.”

Energy Spikes

As the energy in my hands is flowing at full strength, Keith asks an energy-sensitive man to come over and feel my hands. The man is amazed by how much energy he feels coming from my palms.

“And I feel sharp spikes of energy coming from her fingertips.” The man shares his surprise.

Wow, I love the external feedback. It helps reinforce that I am not making this up … that someone else can feel what I feel. I literally feel as if sharp energy spikes are indeed emanating from each fingertip, and that a column of mini-lightning is radiating from the center of each palm.

Eventually, after my abdomen has reached a beautiful peaceful state, I turn my hands so that my fingers and palms point back toward my solar plexus. As I do this, a new round of agitated pains suddenly surface in my belly. I intuitively know that it is more energy that wants to be released. Again, I feel the strength of the energy flow increase, but it never quite reaches the powerful levels of November 2010.

Migrating Pains

Even after everyone else leaves, I am so mesmerized that I do not want to move. Eventually, the solar plexus pains fade and a new column of sharp pain forms – pains that span from the groin all the way to the heart. This column of pain is a few inches wide. Intuitively I know that this is something different – something that wants to open.

Before I say anything about the shape of these new pains to Keith, he points out the vertical column that has formed. Keith goes into his house and begins his nightly chores while I continue to sit and bask in this energy. I turn over the “variable speed” controls to my little inner child, giving Sharon full decision over what happens – telling her that she can open more or shut this down, or do something in between – whenever she decides.

Eventually, the energy in my hands completely ceases, and the vertical pains in my abdomen vanish, as a sharp pain forms exactly at that “nail-in-my-heart” spot. After sitting with this new physical metaphor for ten minutes, I finally call into Keith’s house, asking for suggestions.

“Sit with that pain and ask it what it is and what it needs from you.” Keith guides me.

Loosening The Screws

Suddenly, as I meditate deeper, intuitions remind me of the image of a metaphorical Phillips screwdriver stabbed into this region of my heart.

“I think maybe I’m supposed to pull that screwdriver out now.” I call out to Keith for guidance.

“Brenda,” Keith soon calls out with new advice, “try giving it a few turns or twists … like maybe a screw needs to be loosened or removed.”

As I sink back into meditation, I hold my right hand over my heart and simultaneously twist while imagining myself turning this metaphorical screwdriver four times in the counterclockwise direction. To my delight, I suddenly experience a burst of pleasurable energy that emanates from this spot. I again move my hands and imagine myself turning it four or five more times. Another physical burst of energy radiates outward from the center of my heart chakra.

Then, I imagine myself actually pulling the screwdriver out of my heart … but nothing happens. Intuitively, I know that something powerful happened with the twisting, but that it is not yet time to pull the screwdriver out.

On A Roll

“Wow, you’re on a roll.” Keith grins at me when I walk into his house to say goodnight. “Isn’t it a lot more fun working this way?”

“Yeah,” I respond with a huge grin.

Then I briefly engage Keith in a discussion about what took place on the porch today with Paul.

“It sure worked out perfectly for me.” I share with delight. “I needed it to happen exactly the way it did in order for my magic to further open. I still have no emotional charge. Even talking about it right now, I am simply radiating love and not taking the bait.

Delegating Control

As I later rest in bed, I remember a time when Keith told me that “sometimes pushing might get good results”. It was something he told me when I was trying to understand how and why the rules of energy work always change – of how the Universe forces us to connect and follow rather than allowing us to make hard and fast rules about how inner work should be done.

“As soon as you think you have something figured out,” Keith often says, “It will change.”

Tonight, I feel a strange and unusual intuition to “push my process”. I connect with Sharon, give her a power switch, and guide her that she is ultimately in charge of what happens.

“Please consult with our Higher Self for any questions of trust and guidance.” I give advice to little Sharon. “And shut this process down at any time if you feel it is too much or too strong.”

Taunting, Pushing, And Releasing

After setting up this scenario, I begin to taunt the stuck and angry energies in my abdomen – specifically targeting any of the angry energies that remain – energies such as those that might judge or lash out at Paul or others. I make fun of the energy, challenging it, egging it on, and calling it names, etc…

“Fight back you wimpy energy.” I call out. “Come on, expose yourself, get out here and show your face. You are not wanted here.”

I engage in this process for more than an hour, repeatedly coming up with new things to taunt the hiding, stuck, stagnant, angry energy in my belly.

While doing this, I hold a powerful loving space, acting as an empath for whatever might come up, releasing the negative energies to the angels for transmutation. To my delight, I continually feel a great deal of angry, agitated density as it surfaces and then dissolves into peaceful vibrations, leaving me for its higher evolvement.

At times, I also add some physical wiggling and laughing to stimulate the energy release. Finally, when I sense that I am done, I have the slight feeling that perhaps I may have pushed just a little too much … but I trust that all is well, quickly curling up to go to sleep.

Profound Integration

As I awaken on Monday morning, I have the strong awareness that I have been doing a great deal of inner processing during my dreams. I know this for a fact, yet all details vanish from my memories as I attempt to grasp them.

With three back-to-back ceremony days now behind me, I am delighted to spend two days in a row engaging in passionate writing. It never ceases to amaze me how writing can be even more powerful for my integration than was the original experience.

Power-Filled Lessons

In these last four days, I have been on quite the journey with my inner children – a journey taking us on an emotional roller coaster – a journey of love-starved children in crisis, to one of empowered and giggling children who can run lightning bolts out my fingertips.

On Saturday, powerful lessons confirmed my understanding of pushing, trusting the process, and in recognizing that everyone involved in any situation is jointly creating and/or allowing that situation, and that the highest good always results.

But the most powerful adventure came on Sunday when I was given ample opportunities to project, to be angry, to be a victim, to rage with emotional charge – yet I simply did not take the bait. Instead, giggles filled every cell of my body, taking me on such a power-filled journey that power literally spewed out of my fingertips in a lightning-bolt experience that was second only to one that took place just over fourteen months earlier.

Experience has shown that the full awakening of this magical power is still a work in progress – but such magical glimpses as I had this week definitely make the journey more rewarding and exciting.

Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

“I feel like dancing,” I tell myself as I locate my IPod and browse until I find my favorite Colin Raye CD. For the next hour, I forget about appearance, and simply dance, turn, wiggle and twirl all over my kitchen and living room.

It is Friday morning, February 3, 2012 … and I have not felt this good in a very long time. I truly feel as if I am finally defying gravity, flying above the intense emotional processes that have bogged me down for several months now. I have no illusions of completion, fully realizing that I am simply enjoying a beautiful rest in my journey. There remains much inner work ahead in my process, but part of me knows that I am turning the corner, gradually learning how to allow and involve higher love and light in my process in a way that makes the journey easier and more fun.

Setting The Stage

Early in the afternoon, I find myself seated on Keith’s porch.

For the second Friday in a row, I am quite shocked to see the type of ceremony that I have manifested. In addition to Keith, three other men surround me – two of which are Paul and Tom. I will refer to the third as Jim. Again, I ponder why I might have created such a ceremony dominated by men – two of which emanate very strong masculine energy – energy that I often perceive as being quite distorted.

As the ceremony begins, I explain to Keith about the silly projected guilt I feel regarding the fact that I did not hit much emotion in the last two ceremonies. I am working so much on learning to trust, allow, and simply follow the flow of my own soul, that today I am eager and willing to just step back and know that all is well – whether I enjoy more beautiful light, or whether I again sink into deep emotional release, or perhaps something in between.

As he occasionally does on the rare circumstance that we have no first-timers on the porch, Keith completely skips the glow meditation and simply holds high-vibrational space while we all quietly meditate together.

Paint And Perfume

Almost immediately, the strong masculine energy begins to overwhelm me. While I do sense the beautiful presence of healthy masculine energy, mostly emanating from Keith, I feel especially triggered by what I perceive as strong distorted, judging, controlling energy that seems to emanate from Tom. I trust that this is all a part of my process today, but an agitated inner voice encourages me to run away from this awkward situation.

As I ponder the confusing mix of energies, I turn every perception around and apply it to my own past – to the dysfunctional blocks that continue to dominate me on the inside.

“I feel deep hatred at the patriarchal distortions that shut me down as a child.” I begin to ponder my reactions to Tom’s energy. “And I cringe at how I was taught to put on a happy face of denial, to suppress all hints of negative emotions, and to bottle up all that putrid, rotting emotion under a layer of beautiful white paint and sweet-smelling perfume.”

Forgetful Floundering

Finally, as I begin to break down into angry tears, I start to feel as if I want to get really angry at the feeling of powerlessness that is again surfacing inside of me.

I want to break out of this powerlessness, but I am feeling very confused regarding which approach to take. I want help, permission, and validation from the outside.

“Do I need to get really angry again … perhaps punching a few pillows?” I begin to ponder. “Or do I need to cry this out. I know I need to involve the light in this process, but how do I do that, and when do I do it?”

When Keith and I begin to chat about my rational-mind dilemma, he helps me to understand that I am in a state of not trusting what I know – that I am deeply stuck in my head trying to figure out ‘what is ego’, ‘what is real’, ‘do I cry’, ‘do I bring in love’, or ‘do I simply punch pillows’.

“Brenda,” Keith coaches me, “You don’t need to figure any of this out. You simply bring in love and then follow the flow of your process wherever it takes you.”

Countless times, Keith has reminded me that the guidance can be different every time, that there are no right answers for the rational mind. He again reminds me that when I connect to the love and light of higher energies, that I simply need to flow wherever the guidance takes me.

I know this wisdom, but it seems that nearly every time I face deep emotions, that I forget everything I know and begin to flounder.

A Shortening Loop

“This emotion is real,” Keith reassures me, “and it needs to be released, but you need to bring in higher energies first.”

“I’m trying,” I respond in desperation, “but I’m not sure if I am feeling the energies or not. I have expressed my intent for higher energies to help, but I am doubting myself, not feeling much of anything except this angry emotion.”

“Then you need to follow that thread and find out why you are doubting.” Keith gives me the obvious answer.

“Aha,” I soon blurt out to Keith, “I am in my ego loop of doubt, confusion, and of not trusting myself.”

Almost immediately after expressing these insights, the angry emotions dry up and I feel quite proud of myself for having recognized my rational-mind head-loop so quickly.

“Congratulations for catching on to this,” Keith guides me, “and for not needing to cycle in it for so long.”

Building Trust

“Now,” Keith guides me, “bring in love and see what happens.”

With total trust that I can and will do this, I invite the love to fill me. Soon, I begin to feel very pleasurable tickling sensations at the front of my crown while sensing painful pokes in my collarbone region.

“I’m thinking this is more of my high heart starting to open.” I express to Keith regarding the familiar prickly pains in my upper chest. “And the pain is a part of me still resisting.”

Even though I speak these words with confidence, I express them more as a question, hoping Keith will back me up and validate my statement. But he simply congratulates me for following my energy, not confirming what I already know to be true.

As I sit in this loving space for a while, the peaceful energy gradually grows stronger and more pleasant – but remains rather on the mild side.

“You are bringing in some love,” Keith reassures me when I ask for clarity, “and that is enough to build trust for where you are at … for loving and accepting yourself for being exactly where you are.”

Tom Turmoil

Soon, Keith’s attention turns to Tom.

I have only seen Keith bluntly confront someone on very rare occasions – only doing so when their behavior has crossed acceptable boundaries and is no longer serving the processes of others.

I hesitate to write details, as this is about someone else’s work – yet it also profoundly affects my work, so I will write just enough to get my point across, reiterating the fact that I am sharing my perceptions of reality – and that everyone else present most likely has their own filtered view of what happened.

The conversation feels quite confrontational as Keith turns to Tom and bluntly lays out specifics of his dysfunctional, uncooperative behavior on the porch – behavior that at an energetic level powerfully fights the inner work of others. Keith’s words are surprisingly explicit as he firmly explains to Tom how his passive aggressive behavior is affecting others.

“If your behavior were not serving a purpose on the porch,” Keith honestly tells Tom, “you would have already been asked to leave.”

To my shock, Tom simply responds with sarcastic laughter, refusing to own or acknowledge anything that Keith shares, while expressing through his behavior that he believes everything Keith is saying to be a joke. With every comment Keith makes, Tom continues to respond with denial, a fake smile, and sarcasm.

I cannot speak for others, but I know that Tom’s passive aggressive distorted masculine energy has deeply served me – but I definitely feel that I have nothing else to learn from it.

A Courageous Truth

“Tom,” I finally find the courage to add my own truth, “It was your energy that triggered me today. Your passive aggressive energy is what pushes my buttons so deeply. I take one-hundred percent responsibility for the fact that this is my trigger and not yours, that it is not about you, and that nothing changes until I do.”

“Thank you for showing me how absolutely intense my triggers still are.” I add with sincerity. “In this sense, I see you as a huge gift to show me how distorted masculine energy continues to trigger me so deeply.”

“I believe that the reason Keith has been allowing you to remain on the porch,” I add with confidence, “is because your presence has been essential to my process. I needed you to trigger me deeply … to show me how profoundly terrified I am of your type of energy in my presence.”

“But I want you to know that if it were not for the fact that you are in a place where I am absolutely committed to being,” I finish my sharing, “I would never knowingly choose to be around energy such as yours.”

To my surprise, Tom just laughs at me and acts proud of himself for having pushed my triggers to help me in my healing process. He accepts no responsibility for his side of the mirror reflection.

“I wish you were willing to look inside of yourself and to take what we are saying more seriously.” I attempt to encourage Tom.

“Brenda,” Keith reminds me quickly of his relationship rules, “this is not about Tom, this is not about what it is about, and nothing changes until you do.”

After Keith’s loving reminder, I stop talking and turn inward. I realize that it is not my responsibility to convince Tom of anything. My only job is to heal what is inside of me. If I were totally healed inside, then nothing Tom says or does would have any emotional control over me.

Quintessential Victim

“Brenda,” Tom laughs as he responds to me. “You are the quintessential victim, always crying and blaming everyone else for your struggles.”

“Excuse me Tom,” I lovingly respond, “I will not be projected on like that without speaking my truth. I am the exact opposite of being a victim right now. I have never been more empowered in my life. It takes an extreme amount of courage to go this deep into an emotional process like I am doing. This is about having the courage to face your inner demons, to actually turn over the stones that bury them, and to have the courage to look at the inner dysfunction. A victim would never go near such a daunting task.”

“I am doing quite a beautiful job in my process.” I add one last quick comment.

“You are completely off base in calling Brenda a victim.” Keith jumps to my defense.

Keith then validates most everything I have said and confirms that I am doing very well in my process. I love the vote of confidence.

But then, a completely unexpected confidence vote is offered. Paul lovingly backs up my words, explaining to Tom how courageous I am to go deep into the pain as I explore my healing journey.

“Brenda has taught me how to have compassion for the processes of others.” Paul emphasizes to Tom.

“Wow! That was unexpected.” I ponder with delight.

Trying To Disengage

While I remain lovingly silent, the conversation continues for a while, with both Paul and Jim providing their own feedback to Tom. It is feedback that backs up everything Keith and I have said.

Tom expresses his feeling of being picked on, but no one backs down. Tom then turns back to me and attempts to re-engage me in confrontational bantering.

“Tom, I am totally focused on trying to send unconditional love in your direction.” I respond with detachment. “This is hard for me because your energy deeply triggers me. I know this is my issue. I want to send love to you, but you are making it horribly difficult.”

Tom laughs at me, in what I perceive as a strong passive aggressive attack – an attack couched in loving sarcastic words while he giggles from a place of proclaimed superiority.

“I totally know that I am projecting,” I respond to Tom’s bantering attack, “I am looking inside to heal my personal inner pains and triggers from childhood. I suggest you should actually take all of this feedback and recognize that you too are looking into a mirror – a mirror in which you refuse to see your half of this whole scenario. You are in complete denial about what you are doing.”

“I am disengaging now to work on my side of this.” I beg Tom to back off and quit trying to engage me. “I so wish you could do the same. I am not going to further engage you about this because it is not about you.”

Peacefully Disengaging

“Brenda,” Keith firmly-but-lovingly reminds me, “you cannot be attached to whether someone else wants to look at themselves and heal their own issues. All you can do as a healer is to heal your own projections and to be OK if they choose to die with theirs.”

Tom then attempts to re-engage me in conversation and I simply remain silent, non-attached, and meditating peacefully in my own process while sending him love.

“Brenda is doing the right thing by disengaging.” Keith shares wisdom with Tom. “She clearly recognizes that she will not solve this problem by discussing it with you. She is doing exactly what I teach in my relationship training – she is working on healing this on the inside.”

I meditate for another ten minutes or so, and then feel intuitively guided to work quietly with Jim, holding space for him while he sinks deeper into his own process. I simply ignore Tom – remaining disengaged and unattached to his continued presence.

Finally, when no one validates Tom’s behavior – when no one begs him to stay – Tom picks up his belongings and leaves, expressing through a masked smile that he will probably not return.

I am amazed by how much peace I feel in my heart. While I got slightly lost in my attempts to push Tom into owning his own dysfunction, I remained powerfully loving throughout the situation. It is a situation that just a week ago would have launched me into extreme guilt, self-flogging, and self-deprecation. Today, I remain meditating in loving peace, empowered with divine love, while recognizing the truth of Keith’s words … “All you can do as a healer is to heal your own projections and to be OK if they choose to die with theirs.”

Powerful Reflections

“Wow!” Jim surprises me with his comments after Tom leaves. “That was a powerful mirror for me.”

Jim explains that his eyes were deeply opened by how someone can be in such complete denial – being completely unaware of their antisocial behavior (much stronger words were used). Jim is using this powerful reflection to look inside at similar inner energies of masked denial that keep him stuck.

Paul then jumps in to validate how this has also been a profound experience for his own work.

“Wow,” I think to myself, “And I thought Tom was being a distorted masculine energy jerk just for me. I had no idea his behavior was serving everyone else so powerfully as well.”

Shared Reality Creation

Almost immediately, the energy of the ceremony shifts, and everyone begins to go into deep emotional work. It begins with one of the remaining men who shares some painful issues from his youth.

“Keith,” I soon ask at an appropriate time, “Is it important to publicly confess painful dark secrets in order to remove attachment to the opinions and judgments of others – to what they might say or think if your shameful secrets were made known?”

“Not always,” Keith responds, “but it sometimes helps.”

“I have a few such issues in my own late teenage years,” I confide further, “issues surrounding the whole gender self-hatred – issues that made me feel evil – issues that made me deeply hate and flog myself.”

“In every situation involving multiple people,” Keith shares beautiful wisdom, “every one of the people involved participated in creating and/or allowing that reality … in choosing that reality as a part of their own necessary life experience.”

“Wow,” I ponder out loud, “that really takes the guilt away. At this level, there are no perpetrators or victims … and everyone involved in any situation is in energetic (not necessarily conscious) agreement with it happening for their own growth and purposes. Each of us has essentially played all of these roles in one lifetime or another.”

People-Pleasing Powerlessness

Soon, my flow takes me back into deeply feeling my own anger – anger at my childhood shutdown – anger at distorted masculine energy – and anger at the self-hatred that continues to live inside of me.

“Brenda, visualize Tom,” Paul tries to help me, knowing that Tom had triggered this issue deeply.

“No,” I respond peacefully, “this is not about Tom … this is inside of me. It will not help to put Tom’s face on this anger and pain.”

Keith agrees with me, reiterating that Tom is not an appropriate focal point for this part of my process.

The sense of powerlessness that has continued to make me afraid to speak up to people like Tom remains inside of me – it is the powerlessness that continues to run my show … that continues to make me cower in people-pleaser mode, afraid of conflict and confrontation.

Exploding Pressurized Anger

Doing something that I have never before seen him do, Keith asks me to repeat a series of sentences. I wish I could remember the words – but they have escaped me. In quick succession, Keith expresses a sentence that emphasizes my powerlessness, following which I repeat it back to him.

Soon, after repeating several such disempowering sentences, the words I am speaking begin to sink in very deeply. I end up hitting profound anger and rage at the stuck-ness that remains deep inside me.

As the rage consumes me, I punch pillows and scream f-ing swear words for several minutes, venting the bottled up rage that has been pressurized inside for so very long. It is as if I am releasing the pressure on a steam valve – hoping that once the initial spray is gone, that the container can be opened and emptied without exploding.

Finally, the pressurized outbursts of anger begin to fade.

Increasing The Love

“Now,” Keith guides me at the perfect moment, “while you are down in that hole … bring in the love … love and accept yourself for where you are right now … and if you cannot bring in love from higher beings, then bring in the self-love.”

As I do so, I feel the angry emotions simply vanish into the light. The old me would have felt cheated. The new me realizes that I felt the emotion deep enough for now … that I have learned all I came here to learn … and that it is now time to let the love and light help me finish cleaning out the remainder of that dark and dank pressurized container of anger and self-hatred. Peace begins to consume my entire body.

“Double that love,” Keith unexpectedly guides me.

As I imagine this beautiful love doubling in intensity, I feel a strong increase in the calm peace that now flows in my heart.

“More,” Keith soon continues.

Over and over again, Keith gradually encourages me to take the love up another notch.

New Triggers

As the ceremony fades to completion, a loving conversation ensues. I casually mention something about how grateful I am to have Keith for a teacher.

“I don’t see Keith as my teacher,” Paul unexpectedly responds. “I see myself as a co-creator with Keith, working together with him.”

To my shock, Paul’s words deeply trigger me – taking me right back to the place of perceiving Paul as someone that doesn’t want to learn or to do his own inner work, but instead wants to show Keith how to be a healer and how to run his magical porch.

“I gratefully see Keith as a teacher who has an inner license – as someone who has been there, done that, and got the T-shirt.” I respond, attempting to convince Paul. “There are beautiful profound things that I can learn from him.”

To my dismay, the beautiful harmony I was feeling with Paul suddenly feels deeply challenged.

Triggered And Projecting

“Brenda,” Paul later comments, “your energy has shifted. Can you explain why?”

I wish I could run away. This feels like a perfect setup for disagreement, conflict, and potential confrontation. I do not want to go here again. But instead, my heart insists that I need to be honest.

“I was deeply triggered by your words of not wanting to see yourself as Keith’s student.” I respond timidly. “I have had a long journey of watching one healer after another come to this porch … not wanting to learn or do their own inner work, but instead simply wanting to fix and heal others.”

“I know I am just triggered and projecting,” I quickly add, and I have no idea if you are, or are not, really doing your own inner work.”

As I listen to Paul’s response, I clearly recognize that he is projecting onto me as he gets noticeably defensive that Keith and I just do not understand his style of inner work. I mention that he is clearly projecting back onto me, but Paul quickly denies my perception.

Projecting Nightmares

Almost immediately, I go into deep panic as the energy in my now-agitated solar plexus painfully vibrates. My profound fears over disagreement and conflict are surfacing big time. I just recently finished arriving at a beautiful place of peaceful harmony with Paul – for the second time – and I do not want to go back to another painful round of projecting.

“I want to disengage when I am projecting,” I try to explain to Paul, “because my lifetime experience is that whenever I openly acknowledge feelings of projecting judgment onto someone, that it brings up conflict and major blowups, sabotage of friendships, and deep emotionally painful loops. I would rather run away than face that conflict.”

“Paul is not reacting negatively to your words in any way.” Keith points out calmly.

“Yeah,” I agree, “but I am still projecting that this is going to blow up on me, that our relationship, which has become so friendly, is now going to become extremely awkward again – just because I chose to speak my truth.”

“I can feel those nightmarish projection wars returning yet again.” I express my fears to Keith. “My abdomen is now raging in pain.”

It seems that I am so terrified of conflict – so convinced that conflict always ends in heartache – that I cannot see any other truth.

Bottled up tears soon begin to flow.

Raining Love

To the delight of all of us, a beautiful and very rare winter rainstorm suddenly unleashes on San Marcos. Some distant lightning and thunder flash and rumble far away, while steady rains replenish the dry soil for a couple of hours. This storm seems to begin right in the middle of my deepest emotional release.

“Brenda, bring in some love,” Keith coaches me.

As I focus on following Keith’s guidance, I briefly mention a recent video I watched – one showing a frightened love-starved puppy, cowering in fear but really just desperately craving love. I see myself as that frightened love-starved puppy – as a little child who could never speak truth for fear of conflict – for fear of being disciplined and subtly slammed for anything that challenged or made the adults in my life uncomfortable.

I begin to feel the love gradually trickling into my awareness.

“Double it.” Keith encourages me.

When I do so, and comment how I do indeed feel the increase, Keith guides me to step it up a notch again … then again. Soon, I am immersed in a beautiful space of love. Keith coaches me to breathe slowly in a regular rhythm, while focusing on that love.

A Shining Light

As I literally inhale this loving energy, I occasionally hit a layer of resistance, causing whimpers to surface as mild tears trickle down my cheeks. Each time this happens, Keith guides me through the resistance and back into the love. This process goes on for what must be another half hour as layer after layer of resistance melts away, while the rains continue outside, and while I continue to receive desperately needed love from divine sources.

“I am that frightened little puppy that just needed love.” I share with Keith.

Finally, I feel as if I am a shining light, radiating that love.

Pushing For Change

As the ceremony seems to be reaching conclusion for the second time, Paul makes a few comments to Jim that seem inappropriate to me.

“I feel like you are pushing,” I express my loving feedback to Paul, “like you are telling him to just plow through his fears and do things that he does not yet feel ready to do.”

“I’m just following my truth.” Paul defends himself, not even acknowledging my statement.

“Well it feels like pushing the river,” I respond, “like telling him to paddle upstream rather than floating downstream.”

I feel deeply stupid for having again made confrontational comments – for again re-escalating the situation in my mind – for again wanting to teach a lesson that someone is not ready to hear. In retrospect, I now recognize that I too was pushing, trying to push Paul into seeing things my way – trying to be right.

Agitating Abdomen

As I discuss my latest contrived altercation with Keith, I again sink into deep childhood pain – feeling terror over having expressed truth that was not received – feeling terror that my words are controversial and creating uncomfortable conflict.

“I feel like I would rather die than go into conflict.” I express to Keith.

The agitation in my abdomen returns fiercely. Wanting to rediscover the peace, I resume my previous process of bringing in love. But the pain and agitation simply get stronger … and I do not want to leave Keith’s porch while in the middle of this intense pain.

“Brenda, do you want me to wait for you.” Jim briefly interrupts to indicate he is ready to walk back to town in what is now darkness.

“No, I’ll be fine walking home on my own.” I respond.

“Brenda, I think you need to integrate by allowing yourself to take a walk and go unwind over a shared dinner.” Keith encourages me.

“But I am in so much pain that I don’t want to leave in the middle of it.” I rebel as I begin to cry out in sobbing crazy agony. “I’m feeling intense self-hatred in my solar plexus. I don’t want to cry it out. I’m trying to bring in love and to allow the higher energies to help me, but it is frightening me. The pain is so large and intense. I really am terrified to leave your porch with this emotion being so strong.”

Deciding To Let Go

Responding to my plea for help, Keith asks Jim and Paul if they will help him in assisting me – supporting me in releasing the pain and in bringing in more love.

“This pain in your solar plexus is not something that you have to feel to the core,” Keith begins to share guidance that is coming to him. “Nor do you even have to understand or identify what it is. It is not something that is necessary for you to carry around, and it can be let go of by simply deciding to do so.”

I trust Keith and focus all my effort on allowing and surrendering. As soon as I feel an intuitive sense that some of the pain leaves, Keith confirms that it did. Soon, he tells me that another layer just left … and I too slightly feel that. We work at this for at least another fifteen minutes.

“This is helping you to build trust.” Keith again reassures me. “We don’t need to finish it all now. Pushing this process will only backfire and reinforce ‘succeeding at failure’.”

Writing Wrongly

Reluctantly listening to Keith’s advice, I decide to trust that I do not need to finish before leaving. After walking home with Jim, and sharing conversation over a meal at the local Japanese restaurant, I feel that my emotions settle somewhat – but I still experience a sense of heaviness in my solar plexus.

As I sit alone in my living room attempting to record details of this crazy unexpected journey with disagreement, conflict, and confrontation, my stomach churns with anxiety.

“I went through beautiful healing today,” I ponder with fright, “but how can I possibly write about this day without slamming Tom, without revealing personal details about the inner work of others, and without further inflaming the renewed projections onto Paul?”

It seems that I am even terrified of writing wrongly – terrified of creating conflict and confrontation simply by writing about conflict and confrontation.

Variety Of Aspects

As I drift off to sleep on this late Friday night, I ponder various items of confusion.

The first deals with the constant shifting where one day I work with a healed inner child, and on another day, I work with a deeply angry, wounded, or love-starved child. During the ceremony today, Keith answered my questions beautifully, explaining that there are different aspects of my inner child, just like there are different aspects of me. One aspect of that child is indeed loving and healed, while another is still deep in the density.

“And I frequently work with a wide range of ages.” I further ponder my inner child work. “Sometimes I am working with a newborn, a fourteen-month-old, a three-year-old, or a pre-teen. Each one of those ages is a metaphorical representation of healed or unhealed aspects of my inner energies.”

“Follow the metaphorical breadcrumbs,” I imagine Keith guiding me. “The mind will be the last part of you to understand this work. Just follow the flow, trust where it takes you, and do not try to figure it out. The knowing will come in time.”

A Tale Of Two Dreams

It is after 10:00 p.m. when I finally crawl in bed. Two different dreams wake me up during the night – one in which I am in a position where I am forced to take lives, both animals and humans. I experience deep sadness, but I do it anyway.

“Was I in a war?” I ponder this confusing dream about which I have forgotten most of the details.

In the second weird dream, I was home for Christmas, and bought gifts for two children and then left without getting anything for the others.

These bizarre disjointed dreams seem to make no sense, having no common threads – other than the fact that I felt like a perpetrator filled with guilt for what I had done.

Perhaps it was an exercise in remembering that when feeling guilt in life regarding our behavior and interactions with others, it is important to remember that in all shared interactions, that the energies of both parties are jointly complicit in creating or allowing the events that take place, to the benefit of both parties. It seems that the Universe is simply giving me an opportunity to further ponder this principle of joint reality creation.

I am certainly learning this lesson on Keith’s porch in powerful ways. I am blown away by how what I have perceived to be one-sided situations, actually, in profound ways, serve everyone involved.

Powerless Receiver

In the middle of the night, being temporarily unable to sleep after my dreams, I feel guided to scribble a few more thoughts regarding my crazy day.

In many ways I lived a very traumatic nightmare today – a very frightening memory of the devastating consequences of disagreeing with distorted masculine energy – of actually speaking my truth in the face of intimidating situations. It seems that the flow of my river is repeatedly bringing me one situation after another in which I am faced with potential confrontation and conflict, and faced with the question of how to respond.

“Do I have that distorted masculine dense jerk asshole energy inside of me?” I had asked Keith this afternoon while wondering why I continue to attract such lessons.

“No, Brenda,” Keith had confidently responded after checking his guidance. “You are mostly dealing with the other side of that script … at having been the powerless receiver of that treatment at the hands of others.”

The Highest Good

Regardless of what the future has in store, I feel quite proud of myself today – proud of how I did find the courage to speak up – to speak my truth – without doing so in an obnoxious, ego-filled way. And after a few false starts, I was mostly successful in disengaging from the conflict, and in healing many of the fears of conflict which have continued to manifest into my reality.

I am gradually learning that disagreement can be quite healthy, that conflict is not always bad, and that sometimes confrontation is the inspired path. The key is in interacting from a place of unconditional love in the heart, with no need to be right, with no attachment to outcomes, and doing so from a space of divine inner guidance. I am finally beginning to understand that, when done under these circumstances, the highest good is the result for all parties involved.

I will forever remember Keith’s beautiful guidance where he shared that in every situation involving multiple people – that each and every one of them participated in creating and/or allowing that reality as a part of their own necessary life experience. Somehow, this thought takes away so many of the fears – reminding me that I can just fill myself with love, follow inner guidance, and trust that all is indeed happening for beautiful reasons.

It seems that my days of dysfunctional people pleasing are on their way out.

Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Fluttering wings startle me as I sit writing in the living room. As I look up to glance around my apartment, I check my watch and note that it is 11:04 a.m. on this beautiful and peaceful final Saturday of January 2012.

Seconds later, I am startled as a beautiful little sparrow flies out of my spare bedroom, landing calmly on the back of a kitchen chair. Fascinated by the unfolding events, I quietly observe with love. Moments later, the small brown bird takes flight once again. The noise of his wings whooshes loudly as the little flying acrobat hovers this way and that, getting quite close to the wooden ceiling directly above my head before returning to the metal grill on my entryway door. For the next minute or so, the little sparrow explores my propane tank, on the patio just outside my door, before taking flight and rapidly vanishing as fast as he had magically appeared.

Fascinating Fluttering Feathers

Just after 12:20 p.m., another fanciful little sparrow flutters into my kitchen. When I glance up, I observe two more that are perched in the metal grill of my patio door, making three in total. Seconds later, the little sparrow darts back out my patio door, and the three of them hang out near my window for a while, as if building trust.

At 2:32 p.m., one of the sparrows returns, spending considerable time hanging out around my windows and door, without actually flying inside. I am fascinated with deep curiosity as I ponder the possible metaphorical meaning of this delightful phenomenon.

Forgotten Emotions

Sunday, I feel guided to spend the morning watching and re-watching Abraham videos. I am surprised as the inspired words continue to awaken buried feelings of deep emotional charge – forgotten feelings of powerlessness as a child – forgotten fears of conflict and confrontation – forgotten memories of knowing that the only way to cope with others is to be a people pleaser and to avoid ruffling feathers.

But as I prepare to walk out to Keith’s porch for an afternoon chocolate ceremony, the biggest issue on my mind is the awareness that Tom – the same man who expressed so much anger on Friday, will likely be present to trigger me, yet again.

A Brief Respite

During the first half of this large ceremony, I am blown away by the radiant power of my own heart. I feel deeply connected to higher energies and visualize my heart as reaching out to touch everyone on the porch with my supportive, space-holding love.

After Keith asks me to assist with one woman, I branch out from there, simply following my own inner flow, going wherever my guidance takes me. The ceremony today is extremely intense. Many people are involved in profound and deep emotional release, and I feel called to hold space where I can. I have no way to validate what I do. Instead, I simply follow intuitive instincts as I participate in facilitating a whirlwind of profound inner work, moving confidently from one person to the next while Keith and Paul work elsewhere on the porch.

With one man, I assist him in accessing and releasing deep rage that has been bottled up for an extremely long time. With a woman, I hold a powerful space while assisting her with bringing in more loving energy into her high heart region. With another man, I coach him into receiving love from his inner child, from his mother’s Higher Essence, and from himself. At one point, I am working with two people at the same time, holding space for one woman’s loving expansion while assisting a nearby man to release another level of deeply stuck anger.

For several hours, my guidance takes me from one person to the next. Radiant aliveness consumes me as gratitude fills my heart – gratitude for the opportunity to be a channel of healing light to help others – gratitude that I am being given a brief reprieve from doing my own agonizing inner work.

A Brush With Drama

When the intensity of active emotional release eventually relaxes, Keith pulls the porch back together into a cohesive unit as he starts to conduct an empath training for the benefit of many on the porch. As Keith begins to lay the groundwork for his training, I sink into my own inner chatter.

“I think I did a great job today, and I would really like some type of external validation or acknowledgment to reassure me about how I am progressing.” A buried voice begins to protest silently.

“I don’t need validation.” I ponder the opposing side. “I feel energized, alive, confident, and filled with light and love. That is all the reward and validation that I need. I know I am doing a beautiful job today. No one else needs to tell me that.”

“But I want the external validation.” The protestor silently whines. “I feel ignored and overlooked, and I deserve to be rewarded.”

“This is different,” the loving observer in me responds. “This time I will receive all of the validation I need by simply basking in the glowing light and self-love that fills my soul.”

Once again, I recognize that I am gently brushing up against my God/separation drama – brushing up against the belief that if I am strong, competent, and independent, that I will be ignored by God and left to do things all by myself. It is the belief that the only way to merit the assistance of higher powers (and teachers) is if I am pathetic and struggling.

A Magical Soul

Soon, as Keith proceeds with his group empath training, I feel guided to do a little “soul retrieval” work – imagining that a long lost part of my magical self is now ready to come back and rejoin me in my heart.

Tears begin to stream down my cheeks as I imagine another layer of my own lost magical energies returning to me. The tears are quite confusing, as they seem to stem from a mixture of both fear and joy – deep trembling fear that I am not yet ready to re-embrace my light shadow – and excited joy that I am beginning more and more to do just that.

As I continue with this self-guided mediation, I start to feel a beautiful energy flow in my upper heart regions. As profound peace consumes my body from the rib cage up, I am slightly confused as to why my lower body feels so dead and painful. I meditatively focus on bringing in love from Mother Earth, asking it to rise up through my root chakra, but I feel nothing except confusion about why I could feel this energy last week, but that today, it is nowhere to be found.

An Undeserving Brat

Eventually, after the empath training is complete, I follow along as Keith does some deep inner child work with a man on the porch. Soon I begin to imagine myself doing similar integrative work with my own fourteen-month-old little Bobby.

As I attempt to connect energetically with this innocent little toddler energy, I feel very standoffish toward him. When I visualize myself as holding him in my arms, attempting to share my love with him, I am quite shocked to realize that I harbor profound resistance to loving that little boy.

“He is an undeserving little brat.” A rampage of confusing feelings flashes through my mind. “He just cries all the time, I don’t trust him, and I definitely can’t love him.”

Deep tears begin to flow down my cheeks as I ponder the absurdity of these hateful emotions – emotions directed at my own precious and innocent inner child.

As I allow myself to sink into this heart-wrenching emotion, I begin to recognize that the entire ceremony today has been a beautiful setup, one designed perfectly to guide me into this confusing emotion.

Loving Support

As I continue to cycle between tears and whimpers, trying to remain low key and invisible, Keith soon turns to me, reaches out his arm, and touches me lightly with his fingertips at the center of my heart.

Recognizing Keith’s loving gesture as encouragement to go deeper, a new wave of emotion surges within.

“I can’t even love my own inner child.” I burst out in a new round of tears. “I really hate myself at this age. Keith, how could a fourteen-month-old hate himself?”

Keith encourages me to go deeper, reassuring me that these are real emotions from my childhood – emotions that I must feel to the core so that they can move through me.

By now, it is getting dark and most people have left what has been a beautiful ceremony. As Keith briefly steps into his Kitchen to fetch several candles, a beautiful young woman comes over to hug me. Desperately needing some outside assistance in loving myself – in loving my little child – I latch onto this young woman and hold her tightly for at least five minutes while I sob and cry. I deeply connect with her unconditional supportive love.

Cool Breezes

“Ask your little child if you can work together on bringing in more love.” Keith guides me.

“Yeah,” I respond through my whimpers, “my child wants to do this.”

“Open a little window in your heart.” Keith continues. “See what happens.”

As I imagine a tiny window opening in my heart, I feel a cool breeze of energy literally circulating in my heart. It is very soothing – physically soothing – and I love it.

“Now close that window.” Keith gives me unexpected advice.

I do not want to stop this energy flow, but I follow Keith’s guidance and imagine the window closing. The beautiful flow of cool energy dries up and quickly stops.

“Now, have your child come and open the window and see what happens.” Keith continues.

As I visualize this scenario, I again feel that same beautiful cool breeze of soothing energy flowing through my heart chakra.

“Now close it again.” Keith encourages.

“I don’t want to.” I protest, before reluctantly complying with Keith’s guidance.

No Expectations

“Now, have the child open the window again,” Keith guides me, “but this time your doubts are going to start throwing a fit. Instead of pushing the doubts away, ask them to get bigger, to perform for you, to dance around the stage.”

As I visualize this dramatic metaphorical scenario, I feel invisible physical pressure pushing on my chest and I have a difficult time feeling any cool-breeze energy at all.

“This is really hard.” I express my frustration to Keith. “I can’t feel anything now, except for the resistance of the doubts.”

“Ask the doubts to share in some of that love with you.” Keith guides me with more unexpected advice.

As I surrender more, I suddenly experience a sensation of deeper relaxation in my heart as I again begin to feel an actual cool breeze of energy flowing in my heart.

“Now, do it again.” Keith encourages me to repeat the process.

“Keith, I’m stuck.” I respond a few minutes later. “I can’t feel that cool breeze anymore. All I feel is lots of resistance and pressure from the doubts – and a slight pressure on my forehead …”

“Stop,” Keith interrupts me. “You are trying to control and put rules on how you expect to feel … and if you don’t feel what you want to feel you judge it as wrong and doubt yourself even more.”

“This is a setup from your energies.” Keith coaches me. “It is designed to teach you that it is different every time. Take out an eraser and erase all memories of previous experience. Start from scratch and open that window with no expectations.”

Unexpected Feedback

Again, I ask my little inner child to open that tiny window in my heart.

“I’m getting a tiny tickling feeling in the center of my third eye.” I respond to Keith a few minutes later.

“That might be exactly what you need.” Keith encourages me. “Just trust that this is the response that your body is giving you. Do not judge it. Do not expect something different. Just trust the flow of your experience.

I sit in this meditative energy until the end of the ceremony. Twice, as the gathering increasingly fades, Paul surprises me with beautiful unexpected feedback regarding how powerful I was today.

“Wow, how things change.” I giggle inside.

My Own Feedback

“I know the only feedback I really need comes from within.” I share with Keith as I prepare to walk home. “But do you perchance have any parting feedback for me. I would love something to help build my self-trust.”

“Brenda,” Keith responds, “just like I was trained, you are being taught that you will receive only the guidance that you need, and no more.”

Keith is referring to the fact that he often receives inner guidance without having any idea about the bigger picture. He was trained to simply trust his own knowing, and to trust that when it is important for him to know something, that the understanding will be given to him in some way.

“Today you received your own feedback,” Keith tells me what I already know. “You felt the energy in your hands, you followed tiny intuitive hunches, and you were able to watch the responses that you received.”

“Congratulations on a beautiful day.” Keith calls out as I climb the steep street by his house. “Dream well.”

Fun Feathered Friend

Late Monday morning, as I busily write away on my laptop, a lone sparrow lands on the metal bars outside my window. I stop what I am doing and begin to observe. My watch reads 10:53 a.m. Soon, the little winged wonder flies to the bars guarding my patio door. After a few seconds, he hops inside and perches atop the door by my refrigerator.

Before I know it, this little sparrow becomes quite the uninhibited explorer, fluttering to my bathroom door, then to a sweatshirt on the back of a chair, then to a light bulb above my stovetop, then to another chair, after which he finally begins to explore my kitchen table while appearing to search for edible crumbs. After a minute of excitedly exploring food opportunities, the little sparrow flies to my sink and the countertop (where he finds more crumbs).

The innocent little guy seems to have no fear. Soon he flies to two door tops and then explores the straw mats that double as window shades above my large sliding window to my patio. As if saying goodbye, the little bird flies through the air, briefly hovering above me before turning to make two last rest stops on my sweatshirt and my patio door. Less than four minutes after entering to explore, my little feathered friend disappears back into the great outdoors.

I cannot help but curiously ponder the beautiful message that this little sparrow is bringing me.

Powerful Closure

My next-door neighbor, Tina, is hosting a dinner party tonight – only her little studio apartment is too tiny so she needs to use my house and patio. As fate would have it, Tina has forgotten to invite Keith to her party, and asks if I would please email him – which I did. But when Keith has not yet responded by noon, a little hunch tells me he has been too busy to turn on his computer.

Following my instincts, I walk out to Keith’s porch to extend the invitation in person, and when I get there I am quickly invited to sit and briefly participate in the ending of a small private session – one in which I am privileged to do a little Spanish/English translation for a Spanish Speaking woman.

Meanwhile, in my writing, I am working on my “A Dragon Quest” series, and I am terrified to write any further about my bizarre Christmas Eve experience in which I literally stood up and told Keith I was going to trust my own experience over his words.

As Keith thanks me for helping briefly, and as I prepare to leave so I can return to my writing, I mention my fears in passing.

“Keith,” I express my concern, “I am afraid to write about that day because I don’t believe that you have ever been able to see my side of that crazy afternoon.”

“Of course it was a beautiful experience of you getting to find out in a profound way how you felt as a child with your loving parents.” Keith acknowledges.

He shares that he was not knowingly playing the role of parent for me, but that he can now clearly see in retrospect that such a perspective was a powerful part of my process. I sigh with huge relief as I return home to finish my difficult writing. I finally have clarity and closure on what was an extremely frustrating experience.

Delightful Feedback

The party Monday night is delightful. How many times in your life do you get to play hostess for a wonderful gathering of friends without having to do any of the work? Tina literally does everything, yet I get to enjoy all of the benefits of having a wonderful group of people in my home – a large group of over twenty amazing souls from San Marcos, and from all over the world.

One beautiful friend that frequently visits San Marcos is a doctor who provides free medical clinics to indigenous people all over Guatemala. At one point, over a year ago, I had seriously considered assisting in a few of his mountain journeys.

“Brenda,” this beautiful man shares with me. “You have changed so much since I first met you. You are so much more relaxed, and have a new glow in your eyes.”

Later in the evening, while enjoying a fun conversation with Keith, I am also delighted by his words of feedback and encouragement.

“Brenda,” Keith smiles at me, “Paul must have had whiplash yesterday as he had to do double-takes to catch a glimpse of who you really are.”

“Yeah,” I respond, “he has never seen that magical healer side of me. He has mostly only seen me as I bawl my brains out in deep emotional processes. I really needed yesterday to remind me of where I am headed.”

“And Brenda,” Keith later provides more unexpected feedback, “Your writing just keeps getting better and better. You are writing about a very difficult topic, and you are keeping it genuine, without ego, at a personal level, in a way that is deeply relevant to the processes of others.”

I am floating in the skies, just like those little brown sparrows, as Monday evening gives way to sleep. I could not have asked for more amazing feedback.

Multiple Thumbs-Up

After another day and a half of non-stop writing, I finally finish posting the conclusion to my “A Dragon Quest” series early on Wednesday morning, the first day of February, 2012.

After a relaxing morning, the afternoon chocolate ceremony turns out to be a beautiful repeat of Sunday. My heart radiates powerful love, light, and trusting confidence as I follow my intuitions – intuitions that seem to lightly channel through me – little whispers that I simply trust and follow as I am humbly grateful for the opportunity to powerfully assist many others while not having any of my own stuck inner issues come up.

As I am assisting a friend in a powerful process of emotional release, I momentarily glance in Keith’s direction. I want to giggle when Keith eagerly gives me multiple “thumbs-up” signs while sporting a huge grin.

A Crazy Tangled Web

But as the ceremony reaches beautiful conclusion, I find myself in a very strange and confusing state of mind.

I am working on having no expectations regarding the flow of my own journey – to simply allow and love whatever flows my way – to simply drift down the river in my raft with no oars.

But for a long time now, I have yearned for a period of time where I could simply play with the healing energies while not having more of my own emotional inner work come up. With this subtle expectation, it seems that every ceremony has just taken me into ever more intense inner work.

Now, after having enjoyed two ceremonies in a row with beautiful light, I am feeling guilty with the crazy feeling that I am not focusing on my own work – that I am simply avoiding my inner-work while assisting others – the very same thing that I have been projecting onto Paul is what I am now projecting onto myself.

What a crazy and tangled web I weave.

On the surface, the observer-me knows that I can simply trust the flow – that if I need more emotional release that it will surface beautifully as it always has – and that if the flow brings me a fun ceremony of simply playing with energies, well, then that too is perfect.

But it seems that every time I attempt to let go of control and to simply flow, my head takes me into the chatter of “I should this” or “I should that”, blah blah, blah. The powerful thing is that I am gradually learning to “Know Myself”.

Silly Sparrow

Thursday morning, at 10:42 a.m., I am deeply focused on yet another full day of writing. Suddenly I notice a blur land on the kitchen floor by my small recycling bins. When I turn my head, I am not at all surprised by what I see.

A tiny sparrow gently hops around for about a minute. I can hear his tiny beak lightly pecking on the floor as he joyfully searches for a breakfast feast. Suddenly, as quickly as he appeared, he flutters his tiny brown wings and zooms back outside.

Wow … I am amazed by how the sparrows are gracing me with their presence. Part of me finds great delight in the thought that this is likely the same sparrow that is gradually gaining the confidence to enter my apartment.

Fifteen minutes after his first visit, the silly little sparrow returns for another visit, this time checking out my sleeping quarters. When I casually walk into my bedroom to check on him, he is simply hiding under a chair by my bedroom window. After watching him for a few minutes, he again takes flight and easily flutters out my patio door.

Sparrow Symbolism

It blows me away how this beautiful little sparrow is becoming such a symbolic and magical part of my life.

As I recall a day in early December, 2011, when two little sparrows first graced the inner walls of my apartment, I cannot help but think of the beautiful symbolism that I wrote about in a blog titled “Two Little Birds”, published December 17, 2011. In that posting, I shared several quotes from a book titled “Animal-Speak” by Ted Andrews.

The first quote was as follows:

“One story tells of how it (the sparrow) was the one bird present throughout the crucifixion of Christ, making it a symbol of triumph after suffering.”

It is only as I write that I recognize the powerful significance. I have long understood the metaphorical meaning of that “nail-in-my-heart” spot representing how my childhood magic was symbolically “crucified” in the name of my religion. Then, the metaphor of a screwdriver stabbed into this spot brought the profound understanding that it was the fixing energy of my mother and other church leaders who literally caused me to disconnect the power to my heart – something that I myself did as an act of desperation and self-preservation.

I now understand that this beautiful little sparrow is attempting to communicate with me … to tell me that it is indeed time to triumph after all my shutdown suffering.

Remembered Self-Worth

The next quote from “Animal-Speak” also deals with human and societal shutdown. I have omitted several sentences and highlighted the word “social.”

“Its (the sparrow’s) ability to multiply and assert itself in spite of predation reflects the idea that nobility of the common person is inherently strong. […] Have you forgotten your own self worth? Have you begun to think that you would always be under the heel of some tyrant – human or social? The sparrow will show you how to survive […] helping you to triumph in spite of outer circumstances.

The song sparrow is very symbolic of this. […] There is a dark spot on each side of its throat and a heavy spot in middle of the breast. This reflects a drawing down of energy to awaken the heart and the throat centers. It is the assertion of will to bring out the inherent dignity so it can sing forth in your life. This is what the sparrow can teach.”

Wow, these last months have indeed been intense – taking me right into the state of feeling as if I were being trampled under the heel of a projected social tyrant (what I projected onto Paul). At times, I have indeed lost sight of my own self-worth. But I am not only surviving, I am triumphing … learning how to heal my projections … to heal the childhood wounds that caused me to be so devastatingly sensitive to the fixing energy of others.

In retrospect, these beautiful “encounters of the sparrow kind” bring such beautiful meaning and closure to the journey through which I continue to pass.

Defying The Odds

It was just six days ago that I returned home after a very difficult Friday afternoon chocolate ceremony on the evening of January 27, 2012. It had been a conflict-filled-but-magical day – a day of synchronous, powerful flow – a day of deeply understanding the psychological abuse that can take place in a very loving and deeply religious home – a day of facing conflict and confrontation in the middle of a chocolate ceremony – a day of lovingly embracing my anger and rage at the powerlessness of having no voice, of simply having to conform and obey, of simply giving up my own heart.

Late that evening, after going to dinner with a friend and then struggling to stay awake long enough to take notes after my eventful day, I opened up Facebook and found this beautiful message from an amazing friend back in Utah.

“The Song “Defying Gravity” from Wicked came up on my IPod, and you’ve been on my mind ever since. I’m sure you’ve heard it … But the lyrics perfectly remind me of what you’re doing right now. And no, I’m not calling you a wicked witch! LOL”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3g4ekwTd6Ig&feature=youtube_gdata_player

… Love, -G

As I watch the above YouTube video, I am blown away. As I prepare for bed, deep intuitive guidance tells me that one day soon, an entire blog will be named after this song.

In retrospect, how could I possibly have known at the time that this very moment would mark the precise start of such a blog? It is a blog that would not even begin to gel in my integration and understanding for seven more weeks (present day of writing, March 15).

Even that little sparrow who repeatedly graced me six times that week was defying gravity.

Defying Gravity

While I would love to do so, I have never seen the 2003 Broadway Musical titled “Wicked”, so I am unable to comment on the actual play itself. But wow, the words of this song send electricity through my soul.

According to Wikipedia, the music and lyrics for the play were written by Stephen Schwartz. For details, see Wikipedia at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wicked_(musical)

The previously quoted YouTube link is a short video from the Tony awards, in which Idina Menzel and Kristen Chenoweth perform a modified version of the song “Defying Gravity” from the actual play.

Following are several segments of the original words to “Defying Gravity” – words that resonate deeply in my soul:

Defying Gravity
Sung by: Idina Menzel and Kristen Chenoweth
Music and Lyrics by: Stephen Schwartz

[Entry words omitted …]

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It’s time to try
Defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down.

[… miscellaneous portions omitted …]

I’m through accepting limits
‘Cause someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I’ll never know
Too long I’ve been afraid of
Losing love I guess I’ve lost
Well, if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost!

[… miscellaneous portions omitted …]

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky
As someone told me lately
Ev’ryone deserves the chance to fly
And if I’m flying solo
At least I’m flying free
To those who’d ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I’m flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I’ll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down

[… Final words omitted]

Sparrows And Songs

Something has indeed changed within me, and it is too late to go back to sleep. It is time to trust my instincts, to close my eyes and leap.

It seems that the Universe is giving me a steady non-stop stream of synchronous symbols, sparrows, and songs to stimulate a new sense of self – to give me a beautiful glimpse into where I am headed as I continue to lovingly and methodically clear out the inner blocks that prevent me from recognizing what already is.

When I first listened to “Defying Gravity” six short days ago, the song deeply inspired me. How could I have possibly known that it would be the theme for six beautiful days to follow?

And at every step, it seems that a beautiful little sparrow has stopped by to visit – to remind me to soar – to love myself – to play – to spread my wings – and to triumph over the gravity that would anchor me in my dysfunctional patterns of the past.

It has indeed been a beautiful week of healing via writing, and of enjoying the amazing gift of being able to play with portions of my awakening magic.

No, there is no looking back. If you want to find me, look to the western sky.

Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Early Friday morning, January 27, 2012, I begin browsing through a group of Abraham YouTube videos that Keith was kind enough to download for me. One of those videos jumps out and captivates me. It is one titled “ABRAHAM HICKS Release Childhood Abuse”. I wish I could provide an internet link here, but apparently, the video has been removed from YouTube. After more than an hour of searching, I can only find it in three or four places – each of which displays a “this video is private” message when I try to play it.

This twenty-minute video resonates deeply with my soul, and I listen to it four or five times. In the video, a man in the audience asks Abraham for assistance in moving beyond the sexual abuse that took place in his life between the ages of eight and thirteen. The abuse was perpetrated by his religious priest.

Before proceeding, I want to again make it perfectly clear that as far as I know, I had a very normal childhood with no signs of what traditional society would label as abuse of any kind. I was raised in a happy, loving, and religious home. My parents loved me deeply, and I loved them too. Even though they are both now deceased, I continue to love, cherish and honor my beautiful parents. They did the best they knew how.

Ten Green Apples

To my shock, I relate profoundly to the emotional trauma of the genuine man asking the questions. While I received no physical sexual abuse, everything discussed triggers me deeply.

I love how Abraham delicately treats the issues, yet turns them around with such vibrational clarity. Early on, after eloquently discussing the emotional trauma of powerlessness, Abraham shares a metaphor of how an eight-year-old boy might feel if an adult forced him to eat ten green apples. Abraham explains that the boy might feel very traumatized and powerless – while physically hurting with stomachaches and indigestion, having a miserable couple of hours and feeling bad about it for much longer.

“But, thirty, or forty, or fifty years later, would we still be talking about it?” Abraham asks.

“Probably not,” the man responds and then asks with surprise, “So, vibrationally, you’re equating those two experiences?”

“What we are saying is,” Abraham responds, “if the world was not making such a big distorted deal out of sexuality, if you weren’t using that as your test of morality, as your test of right and wrongness, it’s the hypocrisy that’s causing the splitting of the energy, not the actual experience that you lived, you see. And so, now our analogy feels a little far reaching but we really want you to ponder it a little bit.”

Abraham then emphasizes that this is a very emotionally charged issue, but that it was not the physical sexual act itself, but the nature of “big distorted deal” of sexuality and the “God part of it” that was really the biggest part of the trauma.

Big Distorted Deal

When I ponder the metaphor of the green apples, I suddenly realize that other than the absence of the physical act itself, I was indeed sexually abused in deeply gut-wrenching, emotional ways – absolutely nothing physical, but definitely psychological. I now understand that it is not the physical act itself that creates the traumatic healing struggle – but it is the energies behind the act – and the act does not have to be physical at all. Many people are abused in ways that our laws and society would never even acknowledge.

Intensifying in my teen years, I felt horribly abused by the “big distorted deal” of the sexual shame and guilt that I incessantly carried simply for questioning my gender – and for being unable to talk about it with a single breathing person anywhere in the world. And that trauma was all associated with a contradictory image of a conditionally-loving and judgmental God that did not match the inner guidance of my confused heart.

I overflowed with debilitating shame and guilt – and with the powerlessness to do anything about either. Those emotions did not come from being physically abused by a bully who was bigger than me – but came from the judgmental bullying of a well-meaning-but-controlling religious system that was indeed much bigger than me.

Powerlessness To Rage

Abraham then goes into considerable detail regarding how accessing anger and rage is absolutely the proper response to overthrow such feelings of powerlessness. Following are some of those words of Abraham that I feel deeply inspired to share. I use […] to indicate where I omit small segments for compactness.

“Some would say … ‘well, you have to forgive’ … and we say, well, forgiveness is a long way from powerlessness, and if we were standing in your physical shoes, we’d feel plenty of rage about it. And here’s the thing that we would do that most of you don’t let yourself do; we would not feel guilt about feeling rage. In other words, nobody should make you eat those apples. […] Nobody should make you do anything that you don’t want to do […] It’s not right that people who are powerful, or people who are bigger, force themselves on people who are littler.”

“You have to find some way of bringing yourself from powerlessness into the attitude that that’s not right, and what’s had you tripped up in this, all this while, is that you were so convinced that that was a good person […] that you have not been able to allow yourself to get really mad, because getting really mad at him feels to you that it’s violating the other things that you were being taught. You talk about a tricky vortex that they get you in. That’s what hypocrisy does […].”

These words deeply resonate with me. In my healing journey, I have felt considerable guilt in allowing myself to feel anger or rage toward people and institutions that I love, so rather than express the emotions in a healthy way, I kept them buried, which also prevented me from healing them. The trickiest part has been in writing about this – in writing about the suppressed anger that I have carried at parents and religion – because I genuinely and deeply love my parents and family, and I continue to honor their religion as it works for them – yet I must write about the suppressed anger and rage because it is an integral element in my healing journey.

An Inner Guidance System

Abraham is very eloquent in discussing the distorted energies of hypocrisy, and how those energies cause us to lose our own inner guidance system.

“Nothing is more painful, or more powerfully influencing your own separation in energy than someone who is professing truth on the one hand and performing the opposite on the other hand. Talk about a scrambling of energy, you see. But it’s not so different than a mother who is shouting at her child ‘Don’t you know I love you’ when she is so mad she would like to kill you … when she’s not anywhere near the vibration of love, you see.”

“And so, what’s happened to so many of you is that you have let something outside of you replace the guidance that is within you. So, instead of trusting how you felt – that it was alright to feel angry and let your inner being call you through that rage and anger right back out into the light – instead, most people are doing it too, you’re looking to the church which let you down, or you’re looking to the government that leave’s you on your roof starving to death, or you’re looking to your mother who cannot possibly understand everything that is important to you. When you look to anything that is outside of you, you’re out of control, but when you quantify your journey by establishing consciously your own two points of vibrational relativity, you can close that gap every time.”

In the final segments of the video, Abraham assists the man to understand a beautiful thinking pattern to balance his vibrational realities – the reality of his physical self with that of his inner being (Higher Self) – so that they are in harmony.

A Powerful Metaphor

As I repeatedly ponder and re-watch this video, I allow myself to feel the deep emotions that surface – deep emotions of powerlessness, hopelessness, anger, and rage. I also experience a great deal of self-love energies surfacing in my soul – loving energies that seem to magically assist me in releasing the agitated emotions surfacing in my lower chakras.

Soon, my inner pains migrate to that nail-in-my-heart spot, and I clearly realize that the screwdriver that metaphorically stabs me in my heart is the religious fixing energy of the intensely embedded lifelong guilt that has been telling me that I was broken and defective – and that I could only be fixed by people more broken than I.

I do remember my guidance system at around age twelve or thirteen. I remember the confusing feelings on the inside – feelings that deeply contradicted what I was being told on the outside. That inner guidance was indeed crucified in the name of a false God.

As I meditate, I intuitively see the metaphorical screwdriver that was driven into my heart. I was screwed and told that I needed to be fixed by that screwdriver, because my true and genuine heart was unacceptable and broken.

What a powerful metaphor.

Reality Check

As I prepare to stroll out to Keith’s magical porch for a Friday afternoon chocolate ceremony, I am glowing in this thought-provoking energy. I had no idea that I had suffered so much emotional abuse as a child – all because of the confusing distortions between my own inner guidance system versus the sexual and religious teachings that were taught to me by well-meaning adults.

I am shocked when the ceremony begins. There are four of us not counting Keith, and I am the only female energy present. To make matters more confusing, Tom and Paul are two of the other three men – men onto which I have been projecting quite extensively.

“I wonder why I manifested this group of people today,” I ponder with deep curiosity as I remind myself that I create my own reality.

Pre-Conflict

The conflict starts even before the ceremony begins. Tom gets a complaining look on his face and grumbles considerably about the seating on the porch – begrudgingly pointing out that I always sit against the wall by Keith’s kitchen door.

“We should mix the seating up.” Tom complains. “It is not fair that you always sit there, as if you are privileged or something.”

I remain quiet and simply choose not to respond. I usually show up a half hour early to help set up. The seating is first-come-first-serve. I need back support provided by the wall, and I frequently run into the kitchen to pour chocolate for newcomers during a ceremony. I feel no guilt whatsoever for sitting where I do, and see no reason to move.

Distorted Masculine Bullying

To my surprise, right as the ceremony begins, Tom exerts what I perceive as a huge distorted sense of masculine power.

“I think I’ll sit right here.” Tom declares as he walks right up to the kitchen entrance and pushily squeezes himself into a cramped spot to my right, with Keith crowded on the other side.

This is not an inviting seating place at all – it is a doorway to the kitchen, with no back support – a doorway that in non-crowded conditions is best left open and passable. As Tom stubbornly sits by me, I deeply sense his angry, manipulative, domineering energy. I find this onslaught of energy to be awkward, uncomfortable and challenging – extremely unpleasant is an understatement. Being a lifelong people pleaser, I have no desire to engage in conflict or confrontation … so I decide to run away.

“This is ridiculous.” I respond calmly as I look around the mostly empty porch. “If you’re going to be that way, I’ll just move over here where there is tons of space.”

Seconds later, I have moved my pillow and cushions to the empty side of the porch. I am completely comfortable in my new and very inviting surroundings. The only thing that haunts me is that I ran away from conflict … that I allowed some very powerfully distorted masculine energy to bully me.

A Beautiful Setup

Minutes later, as one other woman arrives, Tom continues to defiantly block the kitchen door – he has not even slid over to occupy his coveted “prime” space that I left empty.

“I can’t get into the kitchen so I guess I can’t serve chocolate today.” I calmly protest while glancing at Keith.

I do not want to get anywhere near Tom. Keith stops what he is doing, interrupts the ceremony, and awkwardly squeezes past Tom to retrieve the chocolate himself. Keith says nothing to Tom as he does so.

As I sit during the long glow meditation, I return to my pre-ceremony process of feeling the childhood anger while bringing in self-love to help transmute the emotions. While doing so, I begin to hit deep painful emotion and muffled tears.

In fact, I sink into a state of being extremely livid and angry – and of being actually quite terrified at being surrounded by almost all male energy, much of which feels strongly distorted and controlling right now.

I want to run away, but a part of me realizes this is a beautiful setup.

Facing Conflict

Still during the glow meditation, Tom stands up and walks down into the garden for a short break. This is quite typical for him. He is coming to the ceremonies, but not really engaging in them. As I stare at my former ceremony space, I begin to struggle with a thought.

“Should I empower myself and go reclaim my original spot?” I ponder timidly.

“Or is that just being petty and going to create additional conflict?” I lean to the other side.

Part of me strongly insists that by cowering and avoiding the issue, that I am running my old pattern of behavior, simply melting away in the face of conflict … and that I need to undo that pattern by returning to my seat.

I persistently resist this loud inner voice, but after ten minutes when Tom has not yet returned, I do a little muscle testing with my fingers – a form of self-kinesiology – and the answer I receive is “yes, return to your seat.”

Standing Up To Bullies

My heart beats rapidly and my stomach lunges as I grab my pillows and return to my seat by the kitchen door. Meanwhile, I gently move Tom’s bag to the middle of the room, by a small table, and slightly scoot my cushion over (as I always do every ceremony) to make more room for the person on my left.

When Tom returns a few minutes later, I feel his angry energy as he stares at the new seating accommodations. Keith has slightly moved to the left, I have moved slightly to the right, Tom’s bag is moved, and there is no space for him to sit between us.

Tom remains standing, grabs his bag, and places it right in my leg space and then returns to the other side of the porch, still standing. I very gently pick up the bag from my foot space and move it back to the side of a small table in the center of the room.

“BRENDA,” Tom grumbles firmly and angrily, “You will NOT move my bag.”

“Tom,” I respond calmly, but with passion, “I need this leg space here so I can spread out when my legs hurt. It is ridiculous that your bag cannot be moved.”

“Earlier on,” I continue, “when you made a big fuss about the preferred seating, I simply cowered, put my tail between my legs, and walked away like I have always done my whole life. I did not want conflict, and sacrificed my own inner truth in the process. Now, I feel guided to reclaim my spot. My heart wants to be here. I was already here, and it is ridiculous that you want to crowd in when the rest of the porch is absolutely empty.”

Tom lashes back in anger.

Unexpected Support

“Brenda is in a powerful process,” Keith jumps to my defense, “and she is perfect in what she is doing. You know that I always ask people to put their bags in the bodega (storeroom).”

Keith is firm but not attacking … defending my action but not going overboard. I deeply appreciate his unexpected support. I had half expected Keith to be quite unhappy with me for being assertive and reclaiming my power. I am extremely uncomfortable with conflict and confrontation, always expecting the worst.

Soon I return to my meditation, feeling the now-intense anger that has been triggered, while continuing to love myself right where I am at. Tom continues to stand on the other side of the porch, simply staring, while I ignore him.

Tom is very angry. I feel the intensity of his emotions. When he finally sits down, he does so with his back to the porch while immersing himself in a book, completely disengaged from the ceremony.

Anger At Powerlessness

I continue to ignore Tom, but do not feel safe doing any inner processing with him around. His anger deeply intimidates me.

Rather than doing external processing, I continue to focus on my inner meditation, allowing myself to feel the anger and rage, visualizing them as helping me break through the powerlessness – not only the powerlessness of having my true heart suppressed in childhood – but the powerlessness I feel around such distorted masculine energy as Tom’s.

Finally, after Tom leaves early (which he always does), the porch gets hopping with real inner work. It seems that I was not the only one waiting for the energy to shift.

Fixing Fundamentals

While continuing to allow anger to boil and surface, I am quite surprised when the “nail-in-my-heart” spot begins to hurt profusely. While I feel the pain physically, I always know it is an energetic metaphor from the subconscious. I listen as Keith works with one person. When the topic turns to issues of sexuality, my lower chakras begin to rebel with sharp pains in both my solar plexus and in my second chakra.

In the midst of going deeper into my pain, Paul interrupts Keith to ask for more understanding about fixing energy. This is one interruption by Paul that I actually enjoy.

I love that Paul asks the question, and that he actually seems to be interested in the answer. Keith explains that rather than just having an understanding of what is wrong with someone, it is very important to have a deep energetic and intuitive connection to their process.

“For example,” Keith uses me to illustrate, “because of Brenda’s life experience, she can profoundly tell when someone is genuinely understanding and supporting her process, or if they are instead simply saying ‘I see what’s wrong with you and I want to tell you about it and help you to fix it.’”

Breathing In The Belly

Another gentleman on the porch is on the edge of doing some very deep work of his own. I pick up on this and encourage him, saying “go for it.” I deeply relate to his process … it could very well be my own in many ways. In fact, my participation greatly facilitates him being able to go as deep as he does.

When he begins to access deep anger and rage, I interrupt at an appropriate time.

“Is it OK if I participate in your process at the same time?” I ask my friend.

“Absolutely,” He responds.

To my shock, I ride his emotional wave and am soon engaged in a very deep emotional process of angry release. I begin to loudly sound vocal tones … ohming and other sounds … and each time I do I begin to dry-heave energy out of my abdomen – or burst into sobbing, gut-wrenching tears – or yell out profanities at the angry emotions that are stuck inside of me, etc… When these outbursts diminish, I resume another round of vocal toning, which stimulates another round of deep heaving angry emotional release.

“Breathe, Brenda,” Keith coaches me to do it easier, “use your abdomen.”

As I focus more on deep breathing, accessing the power center in my solar plexus, my emotional release gets even more intense. I intuitively know I am accessing that suppressed power – both in the solar plexus and in the throat/vocal expression – and the act of breathing in the belly/power-center seems to be an important part of this.

Wails And Dry Heaves

“Notice that when you make noises you are releasing in a powerful way,” Keith guides me, “and when you stop the noises you return into the tears.”

“Breathe more,” Keith coaches, “breathe louder with more pushing from your abdomen.”

After about thirty minutes, I feel done with this intensely powerful and surprising emotional release. It has been exhausting, and I am tired … but my second chakra, below my belly button, is now aching sharply and profusely.

I focus on attempting to access the anger from this lower chakra, and as I do so I suddenly hit feelings that I intuitively recognize as deep grief at losing my creativity and sexuality – both centered in this second chakra. As I attempt to access and express these emotions, they feel stuck.

“Keep going Brenda,” Keith encourages me.

I push myself harder and double my emotional release efforts.

“There, that is your second chakra energies starting to move.” Keith soon shares his insights as I am able to access another burst of intense emotional release – a burst that brings with it a whole new level of emotional anguish and sensation.

This lower chakra release lasts for perhaps only five minutes as I let out agonizing wails and dry heaves of emotions – only occasionally gasping for breath in between. Finally, the emotion dries up.

Baby Moses

“I think you are probably done for now.” Keith guides me. “Now it is time to bring in the light to fill up the spaces which have been emptied.”

As I invite the light, I focus on a mindset of “allow and surrender” – knowing that this is not something that I “do”, but is something that I “intend” and then get out of the way. At first, I feel quite stuck, but eventually, I gradually begin to feel increasing peaceful vibrations in my heart.

To my delight, some of the peaceful energy also brings in a sensation of beautiful relaxation to my shoulders – more than I remember in a very long time.

“Get back in the flow of your river.” Keith lovingly suggests.

Soon I am envisioning myself floating in my oar-less raft, drifting downstream, trusting the higher energies to guide me.

“I’m visualizing Brenda as the baby Moses in a basket.” Paul soon interrupts.

“Wow, I like that,” I thank Paul, “being a baby helps me bring in more trusting innocence, and it helps me feel a little more joyful and hopeful, since babies are able to release things so much more easily.”

Building Trust

Minutes later, I express a feeling of being deeply stuck to Keith. As I do so, I use my fingertips to tap lightly on my chest and abdomen.

“Ouch,” I suddenly exclaim, “My solar plexus is extremely painful right below my rib cage … and I am feeling sharp pains in my collarbone as well.”

“The collarbone pains are because another layer of your high-heart is opening.” Keith shocks me. “And you are resisting it.”

“I had no idea that my high heart would open in layers.” I express my surprise to Keith.

“Of course,” I ponder to myself. “The opening right before Christmas was just the initial trust-building stage. Just like other openings in my body, everything is a gradual journey of building trust.”

Party Time

As I continue my short conversation with Keith, I feel even stronger painful resistance in my lower chakras – an area that is now devoid of loving vibrations.

“Rather than making this pain wrong,” Keith guides me, “Go into your inner conference room and have a discussion with these energies.”

Soon, I am deep in meditation.

“I know you do not fully trust me yet,” I lovingly share with these energies gathered around my metaphorical conference table. “I am sorry that I have been oppressing you all of these years … but we worked together in a beautiful way this evening … and you saw that I am trying to understand and partner with you … that I am not trying to fix or push.”

“We did some awesome emotional release together.” I silently share with these energies. “Will you celebrate with me? … Will you allow some love and light for now … and you can shut it back down later if you want?”

As I sit in peaceful meditation, I begin to feel beautiful vibrations, beginning at my neck, then gradually spreading and moving down my spine to my lower back. Then the vibrations spread from my back and fill my entire abdomen, as if all of the energies in my lower chakras are throwing a huge party. This beautiful and enjoyable energy graces me until shortly after the end of the ceremony.

Burger Time

As Paul soon leaves the porch, I am totally shocked by what happens next.

“Good work you two.” Paul congratulates me and the other man who worked along with me.

“Wow, Keith,” I express my surprise, “I felt Paul’s genuine compassion and real space holding energy … that was beautiful.”

Soon, I express my intent to go honor my inner child with a yummy burger and fries at my favorite local restaurant.

“Do you mind if I join you?” My friend (the one who helped me) asks.

“I would love the company.” I respond.

The Divine Flow

After a delightful celebratory conversation with my friend, I am up late taking notes, eager to not forget anything about this amazing and powerful day.

I find it difficult to believe that it was only this morning when I watched that video “ABRAHAM HICKS Release Childhood Abuse”. I find it amazing, and beautifully synchronous that this same video has facilitated my process so profoundly today. The video, which is not even available anymore, primed the pump for huge growth, guiding me into the subtleties of my own emotional/psychological abuse in the area of sexuality and personal power. It assisted me in recognizing the powerless state that has dominated my life, and in helping me understand the importance of accessing anger and rage as a way to overcome that powerlessness.

And as much as I was triggered by Tom’s behavior today, I am deeply grateful that he slammed me with angry energy … revealing my lifelong tendency to surrender my power to such distorted, controlling, and manipulative energy – to any energy that would abuse and use power to dominate others. I am thankful that I momentarily cowered in the name of being a peacemaker, trying to avoid conflict and confrontation, but even more grateful that I recognized this pattern and took back my power.

And I am deeply grateful for the minor sexual issues that were triggered by someone else’s deep work. It seems that everything I needed for the amazing work today was simply handed to me on a silver tray.

And amazing it was. Through the assistance of others, I accessed and expressed that anger and rage in a powerful and healthy way. I released huge reservoirs of that rotting rage – and was then successful in bringing in the higher energies to transmute what I was able to feel, to fill up the now-empty spaces with light and love.

And most beautiful of all, I ended the ceremony in powerful peace, partying with my inner energies, and partying (if you call burgers and fries a party) with a friend.

All I had to do was surrender to the synchronous and powerful divine flow, and everything else simply took care of itself.

Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Early Wednesday morning, January 25, 2012, I catch a boat across the lake for what is now turning into a once-a-month trip to Panajachel to visit a bank and to purchase food items that are not available in San Marcos. After a beautiful Skype conversation with a dear friend, I catch a return boat, barely making it to Keith’s magical porch in time for the afternoon chocolate ceremony.

As the ceremony begins, I feel peaceful and centered, but notice that I am clenching muscles all over my body. In fact, I have been noticing this for much of the previous twenty-four hours. It sounds crazy, but trying to relax actually creates more pain – some type of inner resistance that fights back.

A Metaphorical Squirt Bottle

As Keith works with a woman that I will call Inez, he assists her in understanding emotional struggles she had with her mother when she was very young.

“It was not you that did not understand your mother.” Keith shares with Inez. “It was your mother that did not understand you.”

Keith explains that she was a magical child, born into a world that was not yet ready to understand such magic. I listen with keen interest as I immediately relate deeply to the unfolding conversation. I too was a magical child that did not fit in, and that no one understood.

To my surprise, as I continue listening, I begin to feel intense anger and frustration at my mother – emotions that feel very familiar – emotions that I believed to be long since healed and released. Several scenes flash into my mind, memories of times when my mother had nagged me almost incessantly. I know this is far from actual reality, but as a child, I literally felt as if she energetically followed me around with a metaphorical squirt bottle. The moment I began to deviate from the cultural box in even the slightest way, I received a quick squirt of her nagging-fixing energy to bring me back into line.

Lest someone might misinterpret me, I must again add the quick caveat here that I deeply love my mother. She was a wonderful mother, doing the best she could. I do not blame her for my issues in any way. She was simply teaching me to follow in her footsteps.

Quiet Conformity

As I ponder deeper down the rabbit hole, I clearly realize that as a child my ability to feel and express emotions – confusing emotions that were probably quite out of control at times – was squashed and not allowed in my home. I had to stuff all of my emotional pain down. If I cried, I needed to stop crying as soon as possible. Anger was not allowed. Sadness was not understood. Quiet conformity was encouraged and rewarded.

As I further allow myself to access these memories, I begin to realize that I have huge reservoirs of intense anger and rage that continue to be stuffed down inside of me – putrid unexpressed emotions still bottled up since childhood. These emotions are very agitated and beg for expression.

I begin to feel these emotions surfacing with intensity, but rather than express them, I just observe them for now. To my dismay, I also begin to note that Paul is doing lots of things today on the porch that deeply trigger me, and that I am feeling extreme judgment toward him, once again. I know I am projecting, that the emotions I am feeling are “not about Paul” – but nevertheless, his behavior is driving me insane.

I do not yet fully understand it, but I am again projecting my mother all over Paul – violently projecting my childhood judgments about my mother’s fixing and nagging – seeing his behavior as a stage-play model of how my mother fixed me.

A Helping Connection

In the meantime, my inner emotions have boiled and churned to the point that mild tears are now streaming down my cheeks. I relate deeply to the work Inez is doing, and struggle to maintain my composure.

“Brenda needs to be over here working with me.” Inez suddenly expresses to Keith.

“You’re right.” Keith agrees with her. “I’ve been waiting for Brenda to realize that. Come on over her Brenda. I’ll move over and you can have my spot.”

“I’m extremely angry and projecting all over the place.” I protest to Keith. “I don’t feel like I can help anyone right now.”

“You have no idea how profoundly you already are helping her.” Keith responds to me. “She can feel your connection to her, and how you are helping her.”

Inez nods that this is true … expressing that this is why she wants me to come over.

Deep Emotions

By this time, Paul is again reminding me of “Spiritual Doreen” … doing dramatic bizarre things on the porch that trigger my fears of a new age circus. I try to ignore him as I sit in front of Inez, but I want to scream. I am so judgmental of Paul right now.

I begin to cry and sob as Paul sits behind Inez, fills his mouth with water, and spits water all over her. I want to scream with judgment at how bizarre this is. I glance at Keith to make eye contact, having a puzzled questioning look on my face. His return glance tells me that all is well – that I just need to deal with the projections that I am feeling. I know that he knows what I am feeling and is allowing this on purpose.

Inez reaches out her hands and takes mine in hers. She leans forward with her head and touches her head to mine while we both sob together. We rely on each other’s courage to release the putrid emotions that are raging inside of us. We cry together … well maybe I should say that I continue crying for the next ten or fifteen minutes while she supports me. My angry emotions run very deep.

Rejected Projections

I feel unusually stupid and conspicuous during this process. Keith focuses solely on me for most of the next hour while eleven other people simply watch and observe. We talk about how profoundly I am projecting my mother … projecting my anger about her fixing energy.

“I do not want to project.” I beg Keith for understanding. “I am trying to stop projecting.”

“That is your problem, Brenda.” Keith explains to me. “You are fighting how you feel because you believe that you shouldn’t be feeling that way. You need to feel these projections to the core, allowing yourself to go into those judgments and issues rather than pushing them down.”

Suddenly I realize what I am doing. I will not allow myself to feel these emotions to the core, because I know I am projecting onto Paul – and I have too much integrity to slam Paul with them, so I will not let myself feel them. But I still do need to feel the emotions themselves, I just need to do it with the clarity that these emotions are not about present-day circumstances.

“Duh.” I think as I allow myself to sink further into feeling this past pain. “I have been in Spiritual Ego – believing it is wrong and not spiritual to feel the negative feelings.”

Metaphorical Beginnings

As I sink further into meditation, allowing the real feelings to surface, I begin to sense a huge reservoir of buried rage.

“Put your hands out, Brenda” Keith soon guides me into a new visualization. “In your left hand is what you have been doing, going into one dramatic healing after another, doing it all by yourself.”

I briefly interrupt and mention a recent metaphor where what I am doing feels like pulling an endless piece of yarn – that no matter how much inner work I do, there is always more.

“If you want more healing in the hard way,” Keith quickly responds, “you will continue to manifest it.”

“But I needed all of this healing to get my inner license, to find compassion, to get my T-Shirt.” I quickly add. “My healing process has been perfect up to this point, and I have been doing much better these last few weeks. Yet my projections have also skyrocketed.”

Walk To The Left

“Brenda,” Keith pulls me back to his original metaphor, “In your left hand is what you have been doing all by yourself. In your right hand is a different path – a path of pure unconditional love.”

“Walk down the left path to experience what you have been doing.” Keith continues. “How does it feel?”

“I feel stuck.” I respond. “It feels like hard work … agonizing work … tears … drama … lots of learning of compassion and understanding.”

“How many lifetimes have you spent on this path?” Keith asks an unexpected question.

“The numbers seven to ten pop into my head,” I respond to Keith after a minute or two of meditation. “But it makes no rational sense.”

“You have done this multiple lifetimes.” Keith shares with confidence. “Do you want to do it in this one too?”

“No,” I respond firmly, “I want to do it the easy way and learn to allow higher assistance.”

Walk To The Right

“Now walk down the right-hand path to the first stopping point.” Keith guides me. “How does it feel there?”

“Very peaceful and loving,” I respond. “The beings here love me … I love me … no matter what is happening.”

“Take a few steps back and jump up and down in a temper tantrum.” Keith surprises me with a strange visual. “What do those beings do?”

“They just smile with pure acceptance and love me anyway.” I respond a minute later with peaceful clarity.

I almost giggle as I share this response with Keith … but I cannot quite allow myself to smile.

“Jump up and down again.” Keith further guides me. “What do they do?”

“The same,” I respond, “with pure acceptance … with no judgment whatsoever.”

“Will they love you if you take another lifetime?” Keith queries.

“Yes,” I respond, “they will love me just the same … they will love me no matter how many lifetimes it takes. It feels really nice on this right-hand side.”

Higher Energies Don’t Fix

“Allow this love to help you with the emotions that you have agitating inside.” Keith guides me.

“As I do this, I start feeling much lighter … more joyful.” I share with Keith a minute or two later. “But another part of me feels ‘violated and fixed’ – insisting that I need to feel these emotions before they can go … that there are still lessons to be learned … that I can’t just let the emotions be taken from me.”

“Reword that thought.” Keith encourages. “Rather than saying ‘taken from you’, think of it as that you are releasing the emotions to them. This removes the concept of fixing. This energy does not fix … can you feel that?”

“Yeah,” I respond with a peaceful smile.

Unsolicited Advice

Keith and I banter in this discussion for a very long time while the group watches on. One woman eventually interrupts, asking if she can say something. When I say yes, the woman proceeds to give spiritual advice from a strong head-level of understanding – advice about just trusting and bringing in the love. It is perfect and sound advice and I simply listen politely. I have long known this wisdom in my head – but she has no understanding, no compassion for where I am actually at, no idea of the long journey of being stuck that has taken me to this place.

Right now, I am actually experiencing the love at a deep subconscious level, and her advice feels disempowering, taking it right back to mind-talk.

“Brenda,” Paul suddenly interrupts with an excited tone, attempting to help me. “It is just like the difference between high magic and low magic …”

“Paul, please stop!” I lovingly put my hand out toward him.

He too is going deeper into disempowering head advice and it does not serve me right now.

Missing License

Paul again begins to speak his wisdom, and I again firmly ask him to stop. Finally, after Paul makes several additional attempts to force his mental understanding onto me, I speak up even more firmly.

“Paul,” I calmly respond, “I cannot hear your advice because it does not come from an understanding of where I am at right now. I hear you, and at a rational mind level, you are right, but you do not get where I am at. You do not have an inner license to help me. Only Keith has that on the porch right now. He is the only one who actually understands the process I am in. Please, let him work with me and quit trying to do it for him.”

Keith quickly adds the name of one other friend on the porch who does have the inner license to understand where I am at.

“Yeah, I agree,” I respond to Keith. “I do feel his deep understanding connection.”

An Inner License Testimonial

Later on, during a brief pause in the ceremony, I get Keith’s attention.

“Can I say something?” I ask for permission.

Keith quickly says yes, and I spend a minute or two explaining a situation that I wrote about a few weeks ago – a time when I was lost in ego craziness and a friend had reached out via email to help me.

“When I read her words,” I share with the group, “I felt the energy in what she was telling me … I felt her inner license … I knew that she actually understood … that she had ‘been there, done that, and got the T-Shirt’. As a result, I was able to listen to her because she had that pure compassion. If anyone else without the inner license had said those words to me, I could not have received them.”

Projected Resistance

My words fall on deaf ears with Paul … both Keith and I can see that Paul is unable to hear what I am so attached to trying to teach him … at least Paul cannot hear it from me.

To my dismay, Keith turns my words right back around onto me.

“Brenda,” Keith lovingly responds, “that is the only help you are able to receive right now (from people with an inner license) … but if you could allow it in, you could receive that same help from the writing on a cardboard box.”

I know Keith agrees with my words, but he is not letting me get away with projecting my real issue. I am again deeply immersed in my God/separation drama – one that makes it extremely difficult to allow help from anyone right now. I absolutely know that If I were not projecting, I could receive help from many sources … and that if I were not still subconsciously rejecting God, I would not be so fearful of higher energy assistance.

In fact, I have indeed received beautiful guidance in the past from a freeway billboard sign, and from songs on the radio etc…

Keith later validates to me that healers like me will indeed need inner licenses – that with deeper core issues, many people will simply not be able to allow assistance from someone if they do not truly feel that the healer has actually experienced and understands what they are going through.

An Opportunity For Love

Feeling slightly confused, but knowing Keith is right, I back off and focus on returning to my meditation – feeling loved on that right-hand path where the higher beings that hang out there love me no matter what I do, no matter how many lifetimes I take to find my way home. Over the next thirty minutes or so, I am quite peaceful and centered.

Soon, Paul interrupts Keith, as he often does, and says he is guided that we all as a group need to do a “pillar of light” meditation together. This is one of Paul’s frequent behaviors that continues to trigger me – a behavior of trying to control the flow of the porch, of trying to teach Keith how he really should be doing things.

I roll my eyes and look toward Keith to see how he will respond. Keith momentarily glances into my eyes and grins at me when he clearly sees how triggered I am.

“Yeah,” Keith responds to Paul with a smile, “let’s do that.”

During a quick impromptu five-minute break, I manage to return to my meditation, sitting in the loving peace of that right-hand path. I allow myself to feel the anger and judgment of my projections while simultaneously feeling self-love and self-acceptance for having those projections. A few minutes later, I am delightfully glowing while bringing in divine love. My angry feelings have simply vanished.

“Brenda,” Keith taps me on the shoulder as he returns to the porch, giving me a thumbs-up. “That is beautiful energy you’re in right now.”

Hateful Angry Projections

Because of my beautiful energy, Keith and I end up talking together about my process for another half hour while Paul watches on with frustration.

“Keith,” Paul again interrupts, “Can we do that meditation now?”

Rather than doing the normal meditation, Keith instead chooses to play an hour and a half audio MP3 of one of his favorite channeled teachers – something Keith has never before done in a ceremony. I have always had a difficult time listening to this teacher. Today proves to be much more difficult than usual.

For the next ninety minutes, I feel like I am being treated to Chinese water torture as my mind pulses with distracting resistance. I try to focus on the meditation, and then five seconds later I am somewhere else. It is crazy making for the entire one and a half hours. Frequently I look over at Paul, who is swaying his body around in a way to further experience his own inner energy flow. I cannot explain it, but when I watch Paul’s body movements, I want to scream, I hate it. I want to run away. I know this is projection … I know it is not about Paul … I know it is not about his body movements … but I also know that I want to vomit when I watch him with his smug happy face.

I am so confused. I hate him. I feel rage toward him. I despise him … yet he is so joyful and innocent … and clueless.

For the remainder of the ceremony, I pull a scarf over my head and just sit numbly in my depression. I cannot watch. I am so confused and humbled by my hateful and angry projections.

True Origin

Finally, when I am the only one remaining on the porch, I call out to Keith who has stepped into his kitchen to grab a quick bite to eat.

“Keith,” I beg, “can we talk for a few minutes.”

Soon, I have Keith’s undivided attention.

“I am feeling crazy and insane right now.” I beg for guidance. “I am feeling rage and hatred … and I despise that beautiful man (Paul) … I don’t understand it … I can’t stop it … and I felt the same way about that ninety minute meditation … I felt like I was being tortured.

“Paul is playing a beautiful role for you.” Keith first reminds me for the umpteenth time. “You are projecting onto him because the real issue inside of you is still too frightening for you to be able to see it.”

Keith has my full attention.

“Yes, Paul is not getting it yet,” Keith admits, “but now is not the time to work with that … we need to work with your projection.”

“Brenda,” Keith begins to guide me, “you need to allow your projections to surface. You need to go into them, and feel them deeper. It is not about achieving mental understanding or about pushing the feelings down … it is about getting a subconscious understanding of their true origin.”

Fixing Myself

“This has to do with your absolute anger over fixing energy.” Keith shares some insights. “It is not just fixing from your mother, but from all aspects of your life … by people who professed to understand and know more than you, but that just screwed you up and did not understand you at all.”

“You’re in your head, trying to fix yourself.” Keith points out bluntly. “You have deep internal issues with fixing … and you are playing them out in reality because you can’t see them in yourself yet.”

“I want to, but I can’t.” I beg for assistance.

“This is an experience that you need to be having.” Keith lovingly reassures me. “You are gaining understanding that you need to learn … an understanding of the craziness and hopelessness that people feel when trying to solve this unsolvable problem.”

Not About The Mind

“If we take this density with us into the next dimension,” Keith adds, “we will be manifesting it instantaneously as a nightmare.”

“I am already doing that now.” I respond in frustration. “I am manifesting this density at every ceremony, instantaneously, and it is a huge nightmare for me. I do not want to come to any more ceremonies if I keep doing this. It is agonizing.”

Keith reminds me over and over that this is not about understanding anything with my mind – that it is not something that can be solved or fixed by doing anything.

“I just want to learn how to love myself and …” I begin to speak.

“No, Brenda,” Keith interrupts me, “it is not about learning in the mind. It is allowing … accepting yourself in the middle of all the craziness and dysfunction … just being in that love without any judgment that you ‘should be feeling something different’ … without believing that what you are feeling is wrong and needs to be fixed.”

I repeatedly try to pin Keith down on various points, and he continues to divert, saying that I am thinking and trying to understand … that it cannot be understood … it is just allowed.

I am so confused.

Projection Guilt

“But I feel so guilty when I project onto Paul in public.” I again shift into the issue at hand. “I want to just shut up and hold stuff inside because I am tired of making a scene with him.”

“Brenda,” Keith reassures me, “it is all perfect. You are both playing a powerful role for each other. He is not getting his side of that role yet, but that is what you need right now. It is an inside job.”

“Do you want me to speak up with my projections,” I beg Keith for clarity, “to tell Paul to stop etc…, like I did today?”

“Yes,” Keith surprises me, “Paul needs to learn that his behavior is not helping. You are playing a role for him. He needs to be frustrated that you won’t let him help you, etc…”

Inside-Out Reality

After a restful sleep, I wake up early on Thursday morning, and am in the middle of a beautiful meditation when another small earthquake sharply rattles my apartment at 7:25 a.m. – one that lasts for only about ten seconds. The earthquake is only a 4.4, but it wiggles my refrigerator with considerable force. It seems that the Universe wants me to pay particular attention to this morning’s meditation.

As I ponder the events of yesterday’s insight-filled ceremony, I contemplate how Paul is externally showing me the frantic way that I try to fix myself on the inside – doing so without having the slightest real clue, compassion, or loving understanding for what is really going on inside of me.

“I am still not loving myself,” I ponder with clarity. “I continue to frantically run around inside my own head, trying to do crazy new-age fixing in my mind, not having any true compassion or understanding for what is really going on with my inner energies – not having an inner license to understand myself.”

“It is time for me find that self-love and self-compassion,” I continue, “time to let higher energies love me too.”

Exploring The Drama

As I continue meditating, I allow deeply suppressed anger to surface.

I am immersed in my God/separation drama – the emotions associated with being abandoned and separate from God – the emotions surrounding the conditionally-loving and judgmental God that was taught to me in my youth.

As the emotions surface, I feel intense anger, hatred, lack of trust in higher energies, and a profound lack of being understood.

“No one understands me.” I repeat over and over in meditation. “God does not understand me.”

I know these statements to be lies, but to my little inner child, they were my reality, and I allow the emotions to surface so they can be released. Big tears begin to flow. At one point, as I lay on my bed, I intentionally throw a huge temper tantrum, flailing my arms and legs as I push out my repressed anger with muffled screams. As I do so, I imagine myself on that right-hand path from the meditation yesterday, with a group of unconditionally loving angels watching nearby. I feel their supportive love, holding space for me.

I do not know if I was able to release anything. I believe I did, and I feel better – yet I still have no clue how to really love myself. But I do experience a strong and profound feeling of self-acceptance. I know what I am doing. I am walking forward with confidence, trust, and great appreciation for myself for allowing myself to be on this amazing journey of self-discovery … and for taking these difficult emotional healing steps.

A Humbling Thought

This meditation does indeed bring great clarity and peace, and I soon immerse myself in a long day of writing about painful emotional dragons that entered my life shortly before Christmas.

Friday morning, after a restful sleep, I resume meditative focus.

“What if Paul really is an enlightened being that came here to play a very dense role for me?” I ponder a thought that has crossed my mind before. “I am all hung up on needing him to change before I can be happy … and in reality, the only one that needs to change is me. He is indeed playing a beautiful role for me. It is painful, yes, but it is forcing me to face deep inner issues which I would run away from under any other circumstance.”

A Penny Earned

Later in meditation, the general details of a long-forgotten Christian parable intuitively cross my mind. It is a story shared by Jesus – a story of men who were hired to work in a field. It is a parable that has always puzzled me.

In the story, the owner of the farm continuously hires men to work in his field. Each man asks about his pay, and each is told that he will earn a penny. Some men are hired and begin working in the early morning hours, many are hired throughout the day, and some are not hired until the day is almost over. As midnight approaches, and the master pays each man a full penny, the ones that worked all day are upset that those who just barely arrived receive the same reward.

“I am feeling angry about the gifted young people who just waltz into the world, having it so easy with their energetic gifts.” I begin to apply the parable to present day frustration. “Yet here I am, working, working, and working. I have been working at this since before some of them were even born, yet their reward seems to already be greater than my own …”

I am deeply humbled by the truth of this parable. I realize that the amount of work I am doing does not add anything at all to my spiritual resume.

Absence Of Grace

“This is my stage play.” I again remind myself. “Everyone on Keith’s magical porch is playing a personal role for me. There is no comparing my work to that of others. We are each on our own unique and beautiful journey.”

It seems that my whole life I have worked hard and been somewhat annoyed that others continually seem to get rewarded more than me. Paul is playing that out beautifully for me, blessed with all of his energetic gifts, running around on the porch not doing his own work, yet getting to play with his gifts while I deprive myself of such play. He is like an innocent little boy playing games while I am a fuddy-duddy old adult, continuing to work and paddle upstream.

“There is nothing to do except to ‘undo’ the lies and conditioning of my life.” I ponder. “And the strongest conditioning that has been pounded into me involves work, no-pain-no-gain, paddle-upstream, etc…”

“In fact, in my childhood religion, the concept of grace was not even taught.” I further ponder. “I was taught that grace existed, but it didn’t matter, because it was only applied after I had first done all the work that I was capable of doing by myself.”

Our True Nature

I continue to be amazed at how much unhealed buried emotion still hides deep inside me – and I continue to be astounded by how current events so easily cause me to project and to identify these rotting reservoirs of childhood anger and pain that continue to hide in my abdomen. The journey is indeed a humbling one.

I do sometimes wish that higher energies would simply wave a magic wand and make all of these inner densities simply vanish – but I deeply treasure the inner growth that is coming as a result of slogging through all of this unwanted emotion. However, now more than ever, I know it is time to let the higher energies assist me in any way possible.

It does indeed seem that most of the external triggers that I continue to beat myself up for projecting onto Paul, are really external manifestations of my own strong tendency to use rational mind fixing techniques inside of myself and of my ongoing inability to fully love myself. I now understand that the most important inner license that I need to acquire is an inner license to work with my own inner energies in a way that they can feel my love, compassion, and understanding.

The most eye-opening discovery of these last two days has been regarding the intensity of my refusal to feel the emotions of my own projections – all in the name of “I should not still be projecting.” I now understand, more than ever, the importance of allowing myself to feel and to explore every emotion that is triggered, no matter how politically incorrect the issue might be with my “spiritual ego”. The key is in allowing the triggers and in feeling the emotions, without identifying with them or attaching them to present-day events – and in then allowing the higher energies to assist once I have felt them.

And it seems that I am also baby-stepping my way into understanding the concept of grace while realizing that awakening will not be achieved on the basis of what I do – that it only comes from undoing the lies, and from allowing in the divine unconditional love that is our true nature.

Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

After a much needed, relaxing morning, I prepare to shutdown my computer before walking over to Keith’s porch for a Friday afternoon (January 20) chocolate ceremony. To my shock and horror, I find a very scolding/slamming comment from an extended family member – one written in response to my innocent Facebook posts regarding my being “Lost And Bewildered” as I journey with the undoing of ego.

I feel quite “kicked in the gut” by the comments – but also realize the words are a call for love. I feel trapped, knowing that I deeply love the person who made the comments, that I need to respond to them, and that I cannot do so in a defensive or emotionally charged way.

But in the moment, I feel body-slammed, having been sucked back into the clutches of a very familiar feeling from my past – an agonizing feeling of being misunderstood and rejected for merely attempting to explain my genuine heart.

As I stroll over to Keith’s porch, I ponder the puzzling dilemma of “how to respond”. It is quite clear that the timing of this comment was a perfect setup for the upcoming ceremony. (For the full story of my journey with these comments, see “Butterfly Wings”, posted January 23, 2012.)

Withholding Judgment

As the glow meditation begins, I am peaceful, quietly pondering where this new trigger might lead me in my healing.

I am completely unprepared for the fact that for me, today will be one of my most bizarre chocolate ceremony experiences ever – a ceremony in which Keith is so busy working with others that he hardly even glances in my direction.

Early on, as Keith begins a round of individual work, I watch what I perceive as Paul and my new friend Jen going crazy in the healing department. Jen has just had her magic validated, and is deeply in her power – yet she does it with such a dramatic flare that I want to scream and run away. I am uncomfortable and can hardly watch. I feel as if I am in the middle of a new age circus. All of my buttons are being pushed as I attempt to find perspective – attempting to defuse my emotions by witnessing everything as an episode of the Muppet Show, designed precisely to trigger me.

At one moment, while Keith has his back turned, Paul and Jen are working on a woman who is lying on the ground. Paul holds her head with his hands while Jen literally climbs all over her, frantically putting her hands here and there, doing so with hyperactive urgency like she is doing CPR on someone who just drowned.

I glance at Keith repeatedly, attempting to make eye contact, desperately trying to withhold judgment, wanting to draw his attention to what is happening, after which I will simply trust his opinion and guidance. Finally, Keith locks eyes with me, briefly observes the situation, checks his guidance, and makes a small hidden “OK” sign to me, while shining a confident glow in his face. I simply watch with horror as the scene unfolds.

Hyperactive Healing Extravaganza

Jen continues to go crazy in her hyperactive healing extravaganza. At one point, Paul impatiently motions to me that I need to come over to help. He wants me to hold this woman’s feet while he and Jen work on her. I ignore his hand motions and continue my detached observations. After Paul points at me and impatiently repeats his hand gestures a couple more times, I verbally respond.

“She doesn’t need my fixing.” I politely decline. “All is well with her, she is fine.”

I will not be pushed into doing something that is totally out of my style, out of my comfort zone. My inner guidance tells me that this woman is indeed totally fine, that she is simply entering the beginning phases of a much needed emotional release process, and that while her energy may indeed be blocked, Paul and Jen are actually preventing her from going where she needs to go at a different energetic level.

Spiritual Doreen

I find the scene almost comical – but terrifying to me at the same time. It is literally my worst nightmare unfolding before my very eyes.

“I cannot and will not work on this porch if Keith is going to encourage and allow this type of new age circus to go unrestrained.” I quietly ponder to myself.

I am projecting big time, and absolutely refuse to join in such a circus.

My thoughts regress to some deep inner work in which I engaged during my Sun Course at “Las Piramides Del Ka” in August of 2010. I had been playing around with metaphors using techniques gleaned from Debbie Ford’s book “The Dark Side Of The Light Chasers”. As I examined a group of characters on a metaphorical bus – characters that deeply triggered me – I had meditatively taken a journey with many of those characters. One of them was an imaginary woman I named “Spiritual Doreen”.

I had been to a spiritual conference in Las Vegas, and Doreen Virtue was one of the keynote speakers. I was a first-timer at such a gathering and had no idea who she was, and was completely put off by her external image – an image of flamboyant chiffon angel gowns with long flowing trains – an image of standing on the stage and dramatically working with people in the audience while using language and metaphors that triggered huge judgments in me.

I had vowed to myself at that time that I would never embrace such a flamboyant new age image – that if I were to do so I would be the laughing stock of my friends and family. Being a people pleasing robot, I knew that I would absolutely lose all credibility and relationship with family if I were to ever be associated with such an outrageous image.

Pondering In Shock

Here I am on Keith’s porch, holding my tongue while witnessing a scene that takes me right back into that nightmare about not wanting to embrace any circus-scenario that is on the fringes of the bizarre.

“Brenda, how are you doing?” Keith soon interrupts me in a very brief exchange.

“I’m struggling with the Muppet Show.” I respond. “I’m just trying to remind myself that everything is a stage play for my growth.”

Keith quickly moves on to work with another woman who is being quite stubborn and dramatic in her own form of resistance and being stuck.

“What a bizarre ceremony.” I ponder in shock. “I am feeling horrified. Did I really create this? If so, why? What would I hope to learn from such a scene?”

I know this is my creation – a crazy setup for some type of yet-unknown growth. I cannot wait for Keith to use it as a learning opportunity to point out the craziness that THEY are doing. I wait for him to make his move.

Hating Myself

Finally, after at least another half hour of such ongoing craziness, Keith speaks up while glancing at me.

“I have room for people to be quite dramatic when they are first beginning to open up their healing abilities.” Keith lovingly shares with the whole group.

Oops, this is not quite what I expected him to say. As if on cue, Jen almost immediately gets even more dramatic in her frantic healing, wildly moving her hands around in the air, snapping fingers, making vocal noises, standing up and waving her hands around.

Meanwhile, Paul fills his mouth from a nearby water bottle and begins to spit water all over this woman’s neck, literally saturating her as if she just ran through a waterfall.

I am immersed in a nightmare, steeped with horror and judgment. This feels like a zoo, like a crazy circus … and Keith is taunting me with it. I know he is intentionally permitting this behavior as a trigger for me.

I try to return to my Muppet Show metaphor, attempting to center myself, searching for some self-love – but I am stuck and I hate myself. I am crying and angry, unable to love myself, finding it extremely agonizing to tolerate what I see happening on the porch.

Missing Joy

Finally, Keith begins to do some empath work with the same woman that Paul and Jen had been frantically and dramatically helping earlier. Keith asks Jen to back off and to just hold space, but she continues to do weird dramatic things.

I am deep in my own process, attempting to totally disengage from the porch, trying to desperately see everything as the Muppet Show – trying to not project.

“Brenda, join us!” Keith sternly gets my attention and forcefully scolds me for not assisting.

I sit beside Keith and hold space for this woman while Keith assists her. Then to my surprise, Keith has her turn to me, look into my eyes, and connect with my energy.

“Wow, her energy is powerful and loving.” The woman shares with Keith as she talks about me.

“Can you feel what’s lacking, that if she could be in more joy she would be even more powerful?” Keith asks the woman, again referring to me.

“Yeah,” the woman responds.

“Help her raise that vibration.” Keith instructs the woman to assist me before moving on.

This is the last interaction I have with Keith for the next several hours. So far, we have only exchanged a few sentences throughout the entire ceremony.

Worse Than Death

When Keith conducts an empath training for the entire group, I soon encounter a deep inner fear. I suddenly realize that I shut this empath magic down and refuse to fully feel it because it turns me into a “Spiritual Doreen” … into a new age circus … and is extremely out of the box. I already have a strained relationship with family. If I step out of the box any further, I absolutely know I will lose all love.

“It is interesting how I have divine love (genuine magic) as being hooked and totally equivalent to absolute rejection by family.” I ponder.

I cannot remember when this association was made, but I clearly realize how deeply rooted this belief is. Throughout my life, whenever I have more openly expressed my genuine heart, the result has always been increased rejection from loved ones.

“This must have happened at a very young age,” I ponder with certainty. “The belief is so strong, yet I have no physical memory of when it was implanted. I absolutely know it to be true – I profoundly and painfully know that out-of-the-box activity equates to the end of love for me … the loss of love from family and culture … and it is worse than death.”

Dead In My Tracks

“This part of me would rather die than allow this magical opening to go any further.” I contemplate with shock.

“Some part of me hates this magical side.” I go deeper. “The hatred for this magic has me strangled with paralyzing fear about the complete loss of family love.”

I immediately attempt to bring in self-love, trying to visualize myself floating down a beautiful river in my oar-less raft – but sheer terror stops me dead in my tracks. WOW!

As the empath training is about two-thirds complete, I sink into extreme fear, recognizing that I still have my heart shut down with terror of opening these energies. I continue to cling to a cultural box that makes me appear mostly normal. I am terrified to let go of control – to simply drift downstream in my divine raft, if that raft takes me into such a new age circus.

Setup For Abandonment

In a later experiential portion of the empath training, I attempt to rejoin in participation, but I again begin to cry and withdraw. I am completely unable to embrace this magic or to love myself.

I wish Keith would put me in the middle of the porch to be assisted by others, but this does not happen. The victim-aspect of me pouts and uses this to declare that I am being completely ignored. Everyone around me is receiving Keith’s attention while I feel desperately lost and alone. I realize that I am once again setting myself up for abandonment, just like I did on Wednesday. I absolutely see it coming … knowing it to be an unavoidable fact.

Finally, I realize that I am truly on my own. No one else can take me to self-love. No one can make this journey for me. It is a solo journey. I must do it. I am sick and tired of trying to blame others for not helping me.

Much Craved Self-Love

I go inside, imagining myself in my oar-less raft. On one side of the river is a mountain of judgment, with a jagged mountain of fear on the other. I float in the middle, visualizing a domed force-field above me with love slowly flowing in through a window, while my friends metaphorically hug me. I begin to cry because part of me feels deeply undeserving of this love – but I keep the tears restrained and continue basking in the love.

Gradually, I begin to fill with deep peace as I continue to observe the melting pains in my heart while experiencing gentle energy movements that progressively and slowly bring a loving calm to my soul.

I imagine myself yesterday, back on Keith’s porch when everything was quite chaotic while Keith prepared frozen banana ice cream. Just like that experience, with all of the craziness going on around me, I simply meditate in my self-love. These distractions on the porch have no power to control me. I choose to allow the chatter to scream in my head while I simply love myself for doing so.

For most of the next hour, while further dramas and struggles unfold on the porch, I sit in quiet meditative peace and experience the sensation of much-craved self-love.

A Personal Ceremony

It is getting quite late as Keith begins to work with Jen, who has now shifted into doing her own deep inner work. I am tired and desire to go home – but instead choose to hang around. I want some type of recognition from Keith for the good work that I have done – but at the same time realize that I do not need it. I could walk home right now and feel quite beautiful about myself and what I have done today.

Finally, Keith surprises me when he leans forward, touches my knees, looks me in the eyes, and asks how I am doing. This is the most attention I have received all day.

“Keith, thank you for giving me a personal ceremony today,” I respond with all sincerity.

Yes, I am joking slightly, but I actually mean it. I clearly realize that everything that happened on the porch – and everything Keith said to others – was aimed and directed right at me. I briefly share details of my inner journey and even engage in a short conversation with Paul, who surprises me by congratulating me on my work.

Needed Elsewhere

When Keith momentarily steps into his kitchen, I stand up and follow him.

“Do you need me to hang around and support Jen’s work?” I indirectly beg Keith for permission to leave.

“No, go ahead and go,” Keith lovingly responds. “You are not needed here, and you know that.”

“Yeah,” I agree. “I need to go home and continue my own self-love process.”

Synchronous Triggers

After a quick meal and round of taking notes, I contemplate responding to my beloved family member’s scolding/slamming Facebook post, but instead choose to sleep on it. I find it quite amazing how this unnamed family member’s comments were so beautifully integrated in what I did during the ceremony today. Everything that was triggered had to do with a deep fear of rejection and loss of love from family if I further open my heart and shed more of my restrictive box of past conditioning.

I love how the Universe works – I love how the external triggers I need to guide me in my process seem to show up at just the perfect times.

But with all of the emotional activity, combined with loud music from a nearby restaurant, I have difficulty sleeping. Finally, sometime after 10:00 p.m., I briefly disappear into the land of zzzzz’s.

Damned If I Do … Damned If I Don’t

To my dismay, I am hopelessly awake at 1:30 a.m. on Saturday morning. Agitated energy is overflowing through all parts of my body. Going back to sleep is an impossibility. Instead, I am lost in the personal hell of “damned if I do, damned if I don’t”. It seems that my agonizing fear of rejection by family has resurfaced with all of its past intensity – moving through me – attempting to suck me back into its clutches.

I begin to contemplate how I might lovingly respond to my dear extended family member. I realize that no matter what I say, no matter how lovingly I attempt to respond, it will likely result in misinterpretation and further alienation and rejection. My lifelong pattern screams that attempting to explain my genuine heart will absolutely result in further fighting and rejection – that there is no use in even trying to share my feelings, no matter how loving my attempts might be.

An all-too-familiar feeling of futility consumes me.

At around 3:30 a.m., deeply allowing myself to feel this anguish, knowing that I must feel it to release it, I finally surrender and let out repeated agonizing wails of this emotional pain, loudly moaning and sobbing in my bed for at least an hour.

Stuck Between Worlds

Finally, around 9:00 a.m., after no additional sleep, I wander out to Keith’s home, desperately seeking assistance and clarity.

“Come on in.” Keith lovingly greets me.

“Keith,” I respond in apology, “I feel like a broken record. I had another night of struggle with energies, and I have been awake since 1:30 this morning.”

As Keith invites me to join him on his porch, I first explain my continued frustration and confusion about how to work with my emotional densities.

“Keith, I’m trying not to lose myself in the emotion as much – at least not getting stuck in the painful drama.” I beg for clarity. “Instead I am trying to bring in more love and light to help. But I don’t feel like it is working. I am just getting more lost in my head.”

“You need to feel it to the core and THEN bring in the love to assist.” Keith reminds me for what must be the hundredth time.

“But I’m still getting lost in the details and procedure.” I share my frustration. “I feel like I’m walking a tightrope between my old way, which was totally getting lost in the emotion, versus a new way that confuses me because I still struggle to even feel the light and love. I am stuck between worlds. My old way is too slow and painful, and I do not yet trust the new way. I still struggle to bring in the self-love.”

An Energy Of Self-Acceptance

“Close your eyes, Brenda, and connect with the love.” Keith guides me into meditation.

“I can’t focus.” I finally respond after several minutes of failed and quite agitated meditation. “I am doubting everything I try to do.”

“Doubts are part of your process.” Keith explains to me. “Rather than invalidating the doubt, go into the doubts and explore their origin. The answer comes from going into your ego loops and learning to understand them, so that eventually you will no longer take the bait.”

“Brenda, bring in some love.” Keith again guides me.

“I can’t bring in love.” I respond with frustration a few minutes later.

“Then bring in self-acceptance for where you are in your process.” Keith changes his guidance.

“I can do that.” I respond with confidence. “I know that I am perfect in my process, right where I am.”

“This self-acceptance is the same as self-love,” Keith adds clarity. “But calling it self-acceptance takes the expectations about how it should feel out of the equation.”

As I meditate in this loving energy of self-acceptance, I gradually begin to stabilize, returning to a calm peaceful state.

Fear Of Grief

“I have this energetic thumping in my nail-in-my-heart spot that will not let me concentrate or focus.” I eventually share with Keith. “It is very distracting.”

“Go in there and connect with it.” Keith guides me. “Where is it coming from?”

After I provide several responses that do not fully resonate with me, I finally speak up with a flash of inspiration.

“It is an energetic part of me that is desperately attempting to prevent me from connecting with my heart.” I respond. “The thump, thump, thump is so distracting that I cannot focus on my heart. There is a buried feeling of absolute fear that further connecting with my heart will cause me deep grief.”

No Manipulation, No Pushing

Keith and I engage in a long and much needed rational mind conversation. He explains to me that there is an energetic part of me that I asked to be in charge of keeping me shutdown, keeping my power turned off, keeping my fuse in a blown state.

“You put that part of you there for a reason.” Keith guides me.

“Yeah, I would probably be dead or in a mental institution by now if my magic had not been shut down.” I respond. “I shut this down to protect me.”

“Yeah, that’s probably true.” Keith validates my statement.

“But I want it open now!” I beg Keith for assistance.

“Brenda,” Keith guides me to back off. “No manipulation … and no pushing. Connect with this part of you and ask it what it needs you to do before it will open. Figure out the reasons why it won’t open up. Then make the changes it asks you to make … perhaps working with more densities or learning more lessons, etc…”

“Then, when you have done that,” Keith continues, “you can ask this part of you if it would like a new job description. This is a powerful and loyal part of you. You do not want to get rid of it. You need this part.”

Keith further explains various traps that might come up in working with this part of me, reminding me that this must be accomplished by loving partnership with this part of me – through peaceful negotiation and with the involvement of Higher Self.

Red Alert

“This energetic part of you is in emergency alert.” Keith continues to teach me.

He explains that part of what I have been doing in the last few sleepless nights is building trust. When I open up more divine energy during the day, increased craziness is erupting inside during the night. It is the same concept of “when the good get gooder, the bad get badder” – that when I bring in more divine light into my inner projector, that whatever is still dark inside will be projected even stronger onto my external reality.

A very real part of me is terrified to open my heart any more. This part is definitely on high emergency red alert.

Ending With An Accent

In a quick discussion about unfolding “issues” on the porch, I find great closure in Keith’s reassuring words. While validating most of my perceptions, he also confidently reassures me that he is following higher guidance in allowing things to unfold as they are. Somehow, just knowing that I am not crazy in my perceptions – while being reminded that I create this reality and need to simply allow and heal my own triggers – brings great inner peace, allowing me to again focus on my own work.

After nearly four hours of beautiful conversation, the strongest earthquake I have ever experienced suddenly shakes the ground at 12:47 p.m. – it is a 6.2 earthquake situated offshore in the Pacific, a little over one hundred miles to the west and a little bit north of Lake Atitlan. The ground rumbles quite forcefully for more than thirty seconds as Keith and I grin at each other. I love how the Universe is ending our healing conversation with such a strong exclamation point.

Emotional Regressions

After rewarding my inner child with a yummy hamburger and fries at a local restaurant, I finally return home. Feeling exhausted, I lay down on my daybed for a short rest.

Suddenly I am awakened with a start at 5:30 p.m., feeling dazed and confused. I was in a crazy vivid dream involving me as a teenager, a potential bubble bath, a female authority figure, an attacking conflict initiated by two friends, self-defense, and vindication.

As I sit up in groggy confusion, wild and agitated energy shakes in my abdomen. It is the same type of angry restless energy that woke me up in recent nights – only this time it is 5:30 in the evening.

I do not fully understand this until weeks later, but apparently, I am methodically regressing through various stages of childhood emotion, and as I bring in more self-love and light, more of this emotion is beginning to release. The key is in not identifying with or attaching to this emotion, but in simply allowing it to surface and flow through me, recognizing that it is from the past, that I need to feel it so that I can release it, and that it is on its way out.

A Friendly Attack

Sunday morning, January 22, I awaken after a beautiful restful sleep. Feeling tired of inner work and emotional processing, I take the morning off, watching a movie, browsing the internet, and just resting peacefully.

To my shock and dismay, precisely as I am preparing to post a loving Facebook response to my extended family member, I receive a scolding and critical Facebook comment from a former friend – a friend who has found my extended family member’s comment and has taken the opportunity to slam me once more.

I am again blown away by the timing, and would be giggling with delight at the recognition of how I am creating my own reality if the buried emotions that are triggered were not so agonizingly painful.

A huge emotional charge immediately consumes my abdomen – a charge of wild and pulsing victim/judgment energy. Immediately, being unable to function, I shut my computer down and walk out to Keith’s home an hour early.

A Disempowering Interruption

Even before the glow meditation begins, I am already deep in my process as I begin to sink further into the understanding about how I have the concept of love hooked together with pain and rejection.

“It is not about them.” I repeat silently to myself. “It is not about their Facebook comments. It is about my dysfunctional subconscious beliefs that love and pain are hooked together … that I cannot receive divine love … that the only love I get is conditional … and that conditional love is used to shame, to manipulate, and to attempt to pull me back into the box with guilt and slamming attacks.”

As I venture deeper into this self-exploration, tears begin to stream down my cheeks. Keith makes an offhand comment to the group encouraging people who feel emotions to allow them to come up during this meditation.

“And if you can bring in that pure divine love,” Paul unexpectedly interrupts, “that really helps too.”

Knowing Paul as I do, I intuitively know that his comment is aimed directly at me. I see it as disempowering – as coming from a place where he has no clue about my current emotional state – as saying “just get over it by bringing in love … there is no need to feel it to the bottom first.”

A Motherly Reminder

Five minutes later, as my process has now switched from powerful emotional exploration to one of feeling deeply annoyed and even angry at how Paul’s comment has taken me out of my process, I lovingly interrupt Keith at an appropriate moment.

“I feel like when someone tells me to just bring in divine love and light,” I express to Keith, “that while it may be a true principle and goal, that such a statement invalidates the process I must go through to get there … essentially shutting me down.”

“You are projecting your mother onto Paul.” Keith reminds me of something I had figured out earlier. “You were not allowed to feel your emotions as a child … not allowed to process them … and were just coerced by your mother to get over it.”

Keith’s words resonate deeply. There is no doubt that I created Paul’s interruption to show me another part of my deep inner issue – an issue of resentment at those who invalidate emotional expression, something my beautiful loving mother frequently did to me (having the best of intentions).

Emotional Dumping Ground

As the glow meditation ends, I am stuck, my process is not going anywhere, and I simply sit in peaceful silence.

“Are you available to help?” Keith soon asks me.

“Well, I’m no longer in my own process, so I would love to assist.” I respond.

I hold a powerful space while Keith assists a new woman on the porch in releasing her stored pain. As he does so, he talks a great deal about the journey of an empath, helping her to understand her own energetic gifts. He is saying things that I have heard a hundred times before – but as I listen closely it suddenly hits me how deeply I have love hooked together with pain, rejection, and abandonment. As if I am hearing it for the first time, I intuitively receive profound new insights into how I have sucked in the negative emotions of others throughout my life, even when I did not have the awareness that I was doing it.

I suddenly remember a powerful example of how, when in conversations with the very friend who had synchronously slammed me on Facebook this morning, I used to listen for hours while she had unloaded her angry emotions onto me. When the conversation was over, she was all happy and bubbly, and it would take me days to recover – to let go of the emotions she dumped on me.

Explosion Of Understanding

“Keith,” I briefly interrupt. “All of that deep emotional charge that I suddenly felt this morning after opening my friend’s comment … was that my own emotional stuff … or did I unknowingly suck in her emotions from thousands of miles away?”

“What do you think?” Keith asks, making me find my own answer.

“It wasn’t mine at all. I did the same thing with her this morning that I did throughout our friendship. I connected with her – I felt her judgment, anger, and pain – and I sucked it inside of my belly, believing it to be my own.”

“Now you’re beginning to understand.” Keith grins back at me.

As Keith continues to lead the empath training, I attempt to participate, but my emotions swell so deeply that I cannot focus. Multitudes of memories begin to explode in my mind – memories of being a people pleaser who was terrified of conflict and anger, because I took it all into me – memories from throughout my life. Until today, I had believed all of that pain to be my own. Now I clearly see that I was inhaling it from others.

Puppy Love

I sit integrating, on the edge of sobbing for a while. But instead of losing myself in tears, I begin to focus on bringing in self-acceptance for being where I am at in my process. Even though my process is slow, tedious, and frequently excruciating, I am actually quite proud of the deep inner work that I am doing.

Meanwhile, a young puppy wanders over to my cushion. She is a temporary young visitor making her debut on the porch today. I crave the feeling of unconditional love, and pick up the little puppy, holding her to my heart, hoping to share love with her. As I do so, I begin to cry a muffled cry. I cannot feel this little puppy’s love. Even that is blocked. The wall around my heart remains strong – protecting me from pain, but keeping out the love as well.

As the little puppy soon wanders off, I meditate in deep self-exploration, focusing on attempts to access and allow more self-love.

An Unwanted Image

Near the end of this powerful chocolate ceremony, Keith asks everyone present to close their eyes and to visualize a basket in front of them. He explains that as they visualize the basket, that an object, an energy, an image, or a reality will appear in the basket – that they will either see, feel, or sense what appears.

What first pops into my head is the image of a Phillips screwdriver. I try to reject this metaphor as silly and stupid, but I cannot get it to go away. The screwdriver is perhaps eight inches in length, with a black handle and a one-quarter-inch diameter shaft. I cannot explain how, but I do not see the image visually. Instead, I sense it intuitively – but nevertheless, the image is very vivid.

“Keith,” I soon ask for guidance on my image. “I feel like this screwdriver is what is stabbing me in that nail-in-my-heart spot of my heart chakra. It represents the fixing energy – a sharp, jabbing tool designed to fix things – being stabbed into my emotional center, not allowing me to feel in my heart, shutting down emotional processing with strong invalidation and fixing.”

Twisting Pain

Keith confidently congratulates me on my insights and explores the metaphor with me further.

“What happens when people try to fix you?” Keith queries.

“My screwdriver gets twisted.” I respond intuitively.

“Grab it and do that.” Keith instructs me.

Imagining myself grabbing the handle of a real Phillips screwdriver that is stabbed into the center of my heart chakra, I place my hand over that painful spot and twist.

“Ouch.” I begin to cry deeply as I feel real physical and emotional pain.

Keith soon adds another unexpected twist, telling me that I am the one that turns the screwdriver inside of myself – that it is my own inner enforcer.

What To Do?

“What do you do when you have a screwdriver stuck in your heart?” Keith asks a surprising question.

I hem and haw for a few minutes, providing several lame answers, never having thought much about what to do with a screwdriver in my heart.

“What do you do?” Keith again encourages me to answer.

“You pull it out.” He finally answers for me.

“Duh.” I respond, feeling quite silly.

“Typically, when we work with something like this,” Keith coaches me, “it needs to be done three times. The first time you need to pull it out yourself.”

Too Much Fear

“Pull it out, Brenda.” Keith soon guides me.

With my right hand still grasping the imaginary handle of that screwdriver at the center of my heart chakra, I try to imagine myself pulling it out. My right hand is frozen. No matter how hard I try to imagine myself pulling, my hand remains physically stationary.

“I can’t do it.” I begin to sob as I feel the intense fear of trying to energetically remove this stabbing metaphor.

I cry for a while as Keith explains to others about the intense fear that often surfaces around such core issues. As he talks, I realize that this is another issue right at my very core.

“Use both hands and try again.” Keith encourages me.

I place my left hand over my right and again imagine myself pulling. I cannot move my hands. The terror and stuck-ness are too great.

“When there is too much fear, we back off and wait for another day.” Keith guides me.

But I don’t give up. I hold my right hand on that imaginary screwdriver for the next thirty minutes while Keith moves on to work with others. Suddenly I realize I am clenching my right hand so tightly that my entire arm hurts profusely.

“Is this the source of my clenching?” I ponder.

Painful Intrusion

My abdomen begins to hurt as Keith is working with someone else.

“Mine or his?” I quietly ask Keith while pointing to the pain in my abdomen.

“Yours,” Keith responds. “Allow and go deeper into the pains.”

“Keith,” I soon share at an appropriate moment, “I have this metaphorical hand reaching out of my solar plexus. My power center is the one suppressing my heart with the screwdriver, cranking it each time I begin to access my heart.”

“It is obviously not a real hand,” Keith shares for the benefit of others, “but the energy is very real. Keep following these threads and bread crumbs.”

As I observe, the pains in my abdomen gradually increase in both agitation and pain.

“My lower chakras are where I store much of the emotional density of others.” I soon share new intuitive insights with Keith. “They are the energies preventing my heart from opening, because if it does, they will be slammed with increased density, overwhelmed by the painful intrusion.”

Energetic Contributors

As someone on the porch begins to process through various lower-chakra energetic blockages, I recognize with clarity that I am not feeling any energy coming from Mother Earth up through my root. Absolutely nothing is making it through my abdomen into my heart.

“Hmmm,” I ponder to myself, “no connection to the Divine Mother … combined with the feeling that the ‘mother fixes’ me … combined with the forbidden shameful divine feminine energy of the sexuality chakra of my body … combined with the distorted understanding I had at age eleven. I took on tons of shame and judgment during those tender years.”

“It was at age eleven when I first began to walk pigeon toed, to talk excessively fast, to hate my face and body, to lose all self-love and self-confidence etc. My second chakra sexual energies were a major contributor to the energetic hand that continually twisted that painful screwdriver in my heart.”

A Divine Flow

Immediately I begin to relax my root and ask the Divine Mother energies to begin flowing upward. I gradually feel as if a cool breath of air begins to rise gently through my second and third chakras, from the base of my spine right up to the base of my rib cage in front. But the energy does not make it all the way to my heart.

Intuitively, I recognize an ongoing inner struggle of anxious energies – and I do not push. Gradually I become quite calm and peaceful. I recognize that the Divine Feminine energies have been rejected and guarded against throughout my entire life. It is time to ask and allow those feminine energies to flow, but I must take it slow. The energy I feel is peaceful and supporting. I love this energy and am unattached as to whether this is a temporary glimpse or a permanent opening.

After a very late ceremony in which I remain to hold space for a friend who does some very powerful work, I finally arrive back at my apartment around 8:00 p.m.

Passionate Writing

Monday morning, I spend a beautiful energy-filled hour meditating in a delightful flow of energy. It is obvious that changes are happening – gradual but steady. It seems that after every major density release, I become increasingly sensitive to the energies flowing in my body.

Finally, I have a full and uninterrupted day to return to my passion of writing – but rather than writing about the past, I take the opportunity to tie up loose ends with the recent beautifully timed struggle with the belief that love equals pain and rejection. I spend a delightful energy-filled day writing “Butterfly Wings.” To my delight, by the time the evening is over, my dear extended family member and I have exchanged several loving messages – and we do the same on Tuesday. I love how responding with unconditional love creates such beautiful results.

As Tuesday, January 24 also enters the history books, I have spent two full days in a row, following the passion of my writing. I may be five weeks behind, but I am loving the integration that takes place as I dedicate the time to go back and write.

A Powerful Exclamation Point

These five days have been an intense journey showing me various facets of how I have love hooked together as being equivalent to pain, rejection, and abandonment. I have deeply explored hidden fears about how becoming a magical healer will only cause those I love to judge me as being part of a new age circus – causing further abandonment and rejection. Synchronously timed comments from extended family and friends have beautifully triggered this painful eye-opening saga.

It has been a journey reminding me that the person I need to depend on is me – that the path to self-love is a solo journey, and that no one else can fix me or make this journey for me. I have learned that when I am unable to bring in that much-needed self-love, that I can indeed look at my life and find profound self-acceptance for who I am and what I am doing. And, as if by magic, this self-acceptance suddenly transforms into that deeply sought-after self-love.

It has been a journey of deeper understandings into how I have indeed been an unknowing empath throughout my life, inhaling the emotions of those around me and stuffing that emotional pain down inside of me, making it my responsibility.

I have learned that as much as I give lip service to my desires to bring up the energy of the Divine Mother Earth into my heart – that a very strong aspect of my energy continues to block such a flow – that whenever I attempt to further open and fuel and express my genuine heart, that my own blocking energies turn an energetic screwdriver, clamping down a painful restraining screw into the center of my heart, preventing me from accessing my own magic.

And I love how that same Divine Mother Earth energy frequently adds a powerful exclamation point to my process – shaking the very earth below me to get my attention.

Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Early Wednesday morning, January 18, 2012, I am still somewhat shell-shocked from my lost and bewildered state – a state of undoing the ego lies from a lifetime of societal conditioning.

As I browse the internet, I synchronously stumble onto a YouTube video of Abraham, channeled through Ester Hicks. The message of the video captivates me, inspiring me deeply in many ways. I watch the video over and over for more than two hours. For anyone wishing to watch the video for themselves, it is titled “Abraham Hicks – You Were Born With A Guidance System” and it can be found at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEWag5o3G6I.

Paddling upstream

Each time I push the replay button, I find myself sinking deeper into emotions of childhood powerlessness – feeling myself as a tiny toddler desperately, but hopelessly, fighting back against an alien world that does not understand or validate who I truly am.

I will not repeat the text of the entire video, but I do wish to discuss two metaphors that resonate profoundly with my heart. In the first, Abraham talks of a river, moving downstream. Everything we want in life is within that current. We can simply relax and allow ourselves to go with the steady flow, and everything that we want will begin showing up in our experience with perfect timing.

Yet, when most of us put our raft into the river, we tend to turn our raft upstream, and begin paddling as hard as we can, believing that we have to fight the current to achieve the rewards that we really want.

I was deeply conditioned as a child to believe that going with the flow is lazy, and that the only way to succeed in this world is to work hard at paddling upstream against the natural flow of life.

Flowing Downstream

Abraham does not mince words in stating that everything we want is downstream and that nothing we want is upstream. The following is a small segment of this part of the video.

“And so, without knowing it, most of our human friends have picked up very upstream habits. You have been trained by others who have been paddling upstream very hard … and the art of allowing is about letting go of those oars … and it’s easy to let go of the oars … when you know that everything you want is downstream, and when you know that the source energy within you, the broader part of you, is down there tending what you are wanting. But when you believe that you have to work hard, when you believe that struggle is inherent in achieving, then, while we would admit that you can move some physical things around, we have to say to you that creation through action is mediocre at best in terms of the results it brings to you, and that creation through alignment of energy is where all of the masters and all of those that you revere have found their place.”

This message of everything I want being downstream deeply inspires me. I have often quoted the words of the popular children’s song “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”, using those words as a metaphor for going with the divine flow – but Abraham’s words profoundly resonate, taking the idea much deeper, indicating that we can tell whether we are going upstream or downstream based on how we feel inside.

Anger At Powerlessness

But another concept in the video also deeply registers in my soul. Abraham talks about how, in the cases of depression, fear, and powerlessness, that anger IS the appropriate response to overthrow such emotional states. As much as I have learned to semi-understand that anger is a positive emotion when expressed appropriately, I had never fully understood that getting angry in my emotional inner work processing is the best way to overthrow buried feelings of depression and powerlessness.

I love this little snippet from the video:

“If you feel you do not have power, the first thing you do is you throw a fit (like the little ones) because you know with everything in your being that you are free, and that you are supposed to be able to get what you want. It is an innate tenant of who you are, so when someone tries to convince you that you are not, it’s like a pillow pressed to your face. You flail about, but in time, just like you break your horses, we see you break your children, in the sense that finally, most of them will give up if the bigger one insists that the direction of anger from the feeling of powerlessness is the wrong direction. But we are here to tell you that every time, it’s the right direction.”

I love that Abraham uses the metaphor of childhood conditioning as being like “breaking our children as we might break a horse”. As a child, I finally did give up, surrendering to the powerlessness of the conditioning that was lovingly thrust upon me.

Float And Allow

I spend the remainder of Wednesday morning immersed in meditation, inviting higher energies to fill my lower chakras with love and light – without pushing. It is an interesting meditation in which I feel considerable energy movement, combined with blockages and resistance at bringing this lower-chakra energy into my heart.

When the afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway, during the glow meditation, I imagine myself lying on my back in the bottom of an oar-less raft, gently drifting down a large slow-moving river. As I do so, I again visualize myself under a domed force field (the wall around my heart), while opening a small doorway in that protective energy wall above me.

As I drift without control, asking love to flow through the doorway above, I find myself experiencing a flurry of mixed emotions. Mild fears begin to surface – yet trust is also present. I simply float and allow, letting the mild fears drift through me without resistance.

“Brenda,” Keith interrupts the glow meditation to briefly speak to me, “your energy today is very nice.”

I love how Keith is so aware of what I am doing, even though we have exchanged no words regarding my inner journey.

Fear, Powerlessness, And Anger

I spend the first couple of hours meditating by myself as Keith moves very slowly around the porch. Insights gradually flow, as well as slightly painful inner metaphors. The “nail-in-my-heart” spot seems softer as it vibrates with a sensation of mild agitated fear. Second chakra pains come and go in my lower abdomen.

Gradually, the sensation of fear increases as I continue to observe the work Keith does with others. It seems that everything he says to someone else is being said directly to me – being exactly what I need to hear, taking me step by step, deeper into my process.

Eventually, I am no longer able to remain in my peaceful state at the bottom of that drifting raft. The inner fears have become quite agitated, beginning to shift into physical panic. I remember and reflect on the powerful words of the Abraham video this morning.

“I really am powerless,” I ponder with clarity. “The metaphors have been telling me this for a very long time. My magical theme park is without power. My inner fuse has been blown. I know there is much magic in me, but the life force to activate that magic is blocked and shut down.”

“I need to get angry to get out of my depression and lack of power.” I ponder more of Abraham’s words.

Gradually, the fearful emotions that have been surfacing in my consciousness shift into unexpressed emotions of anger – the suppressed and rejected anger of a child who had no power. It is anger at adults who once took away my power – and anger at my own inner Gestapo energy that continues to keep me powerless to this very day.

Throughout my life, I have been trained that anger is bad – that power is bad – that they are both, in fact, quite evil.

Inner Triggers

The intensity of this inner struggle gradually increases as Keith slowly continues his first pass around the porch. A few tears surface and trickle down my cheeks, but I do not yet surrender to them. I mostly remain in the trust of the inner flow that is guiding me – believing that I need do nothing except to allow the higher energies to continue guiding me on this journey.

It is a journey that I need to take. I am willing to feel whatever surfaces – willing to hear whatever understandings might come my way.

I am absolutely astounded when Keith begins to work with the man I am calling Tom. Tom is now at his third ceremony. After what happened on Sunday, I no longer project my inner emotions onto him, but his energy continues to trigger my inner issues deeply. He is like an external movie of my own hated inner bible-banging Gestapo energy – an energy of denial, repression, emotional shutdown, and distorted masculine traits.

“Wow, what a strange manifestation.” I think to myself as I watch Tom unknowingly push every one of my inner triggers. “I wonder why I created this.”

Inner Anger

Tom seems to be graphically showing me what my own inner Gestapo energy continues to do to me on the inside. As I watch Keith attempt to work with him, I begin to quietly sob as I watch Tom’s sarcastic walls of denial go up.

Every time I open my eyes to take a peek at Tom, another burst of emotion causes me to sink even stronger into angry emotions. I attempt to restrain myself from outright sobbing, but before long, my jaw is shaking and tears are streaming like rivers down my cheeks.

Meanwhile, anger is boiling inside – not anger at Tom, but anger at my own inner power outage – anger at the inner energies that continue to shut me down and prevent me from accessing my magic.

I simply trust that I need to feel this anger while allowing it to grow and increasingly flow through me unobstructed.

Mountain Metaphors

As Keith moves on to work with the person seated next to me, Tom lays down on the ground and sticks his feet right in my space, as he had done in his first ceremony. I get the feeling he is doing this on purpose, but ignore his behavior. I continue to see him as an external actor showing me what is going on inside of me.

Knowing that I want to love my inner energies, I begin by sending external love to Tom – sending energy to him using my right hand while placing my left hand on my own heart.

“Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts me, “It is time to disconnect from someone else’s energy and work with that energy inside of you.”

“When I see someone else who is stuck, it deeply triggers my inner struggle and realization of my own profound stuck-ness and powerlessness.” I proceed to fill Keith in regarding my intentions. “I am just trying to send love …”

Keith quickly cuts me off and reminds me of a metaphor he shared with me a week or two ago. In the metaphor, he told me that each of my overwhelming emotions was a mountain, and that I am trying to climb over and conquer each mountain – but that if I use higher energy, I can simply follow a little narrow path that leads between them.

In my case, a mountain of fear towers on one side, while a mountain of anger dominates the other. Both of these ominous mountains are related to my powerlessness. I would love to just slip between them, but simply do not know how.

Ride The Wave

“Your last year has been perfect,” Keith begins to teach me. “It was designed exactly for what you needed in your own learning, and for your writing, etc…, but what you have been doing is sort of like trying to dig through and tear down those mountains using a spoon. That will take you many lifetimes. It works, but is way too tedious and difficult. It is now time for you to ride the wave through that crack (between the mountains). Get up on your surfboard, perhaps even put a lawn chair on it.”

As Keith shares this wisdom with me, I envision myself back in my raft, sitting in a lawn chair, drifting effortlessly down a beautiful river. On either side are the mountains of fear and anger. Both are gorgeous, covered with lush tropical foliage, flowers, and birds. I imagine my raft slowly taking me downstream as I drift toward my destination, winding through the peaceful scenic canyon that separates these two looming obstacles.

“Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts my meditation, “when you get to one particular thorny spot, reach out and grab a piña colada to help you relax and enjoy the ride.”

As I continue to engage this fun metaphor, drifting through steep canyons with majestic rugged cliffs on either side, rational mind is not quite sure if this metaphor is taking me anywhere – but I trust Keith and my inner voices, and both are telling me that what I am doing is real.

Gradually, my pains, fears, and angry emotions subside. I want to believe that they moved out of me for transmutation, but since my energy perceptions remain so blocked, all I can do is trust what I feel – and I feel quite loving and peaceful.

All Is Well

Soon, a young woman comes over and holds my hand. Initially, sensing the presence of fixing energy, I begin to resist, but then choose to allow her gesture with gratitude. I feel her pure intent, and could use a little emotional support in my process.

I quickly imagine this young woman holding my hand on the raft as we drift downstream between the mountains. Seconds later, I visualize my little Sharon grabbing my other hand as the three of us float through this emotional journey.

At one point, the young woman begins to cry and I interrupt Keith to make sure that she is not absorbing my inner pain. I will not release my pain if she is going to take it into herself.

“What she is sending you is quite beautiful.” Keith lovingly reassures me. “All is well.”

I peacefully return to my meditative journey.

Trusting My Abilities

Meanwhile, Keith is involved in some quite intense relationship work with others on the porch. I watch with interest while continuing my own inner journey. I notice that I begin to feel quite jealous of how easily these other beautiful people can connect to the energies … and I notice that I am beginning to flog myself as being a loser for struggling.

“Maybe if I just try to do what they are doing,” I ponder my lack of trust. “Instead of being resistant and jealous, I’m just going to flow energy the same way they are.”

I sink deeper into meditation and soon have a very nice flow of energy running through me – a gentle peaceful flow running from the base of my spine up to my shoulders. It is very tingly and pleasurable. I am quite proud of myself for trusting my abilities rather than sinking into another ego loop.

“That’s very nice.” Keith eventually shares as he reaches over to touch my arm to get my attention.

Not Trusting Myself

“I would love some feedback to help me understand where I am at and what I have been doing today.” I share rational mind doubts with Keith.

Keith pauses and gently stares back at me.

“You’re not going to give me what I want, are you?” I speak first. “You’re going to make me trust myself.”

Keith silently agrees with an annoying grin.

“Can you at least give me something to go home with?” I beg. “I have these little doubts and just some type of confirmation would help me to settle them.”

Keith stares in silence.

“I know, I know.” I again speak first. “I am back in that ego loop of doubting myself … of not trusting myself for what I did.”

Keith continues to smile with a silent annoying grin.

Time To Trust

“Can I ask you a different question?” I change subjects. “Tomorrow, I’m going to write about that experience at the yoga retreat where I opened my high heart almost a month ago. I still have lots of sharp pains in my upper chest region. I feel like a psychic machete cut me up when I opened that area, and I would love to understand that more.”

“Connect with one of those pains and ask it so share with you what it is about,” Keith begins to coach me. “Ask the pain to tell you why it is still there.”

After wavering and slipping into doubts about my intuitions, Keith again repeats his instructions.

“I think it is still hurting so that I can have this experience and learn to trust the process.” I respond, not fully trusting what I am saying. “This is forcing me to trust myself more.”

An Annoying Grin

Suddenly my projection buddy Paul forcefully interrupts my conversation with Keith.

I am quite proud of myself. Paul has been running around the porch all day, in ways that I personally perceive as distracting, fixing, pushing, and filled with ego – all the while not doing any of his own work. I have not projected or been triggered by any of what I have perceived. Yes, I have observed, but see it as something that is part of Paul’s own process – something for Keith to deal with – something that is no longer my concern to figure out or judge. Up until this moment, I have been beautifully and peacefully ignoring Paul’s behavior.

“Brenda,” Paul yells out at me. “I’m tired of your bullsh#t. I put up with it all last month. Of course the pains are telling you to trust yourself, blah blah blah.”

I am so angry at Paul’s words that I do not remember much else of what he says. While at one level, he might be accurate regarding my not trusting myself, his delivery is extremely uncompassionate, and attacking me for being a stupid bull-sh#tter. His comments were uninvited, pushing, impatient, forceful, and quite disempowering – not to mention that they were spoken in front of the whole group.

Keith says absolutely nothing … simply looking at me with his same annoying grin.

Speaking Back

Keith’s silence seems to me to be an implicit agreement with Paul’s rude words.

“Paul, while you may be accurate,” I firmly speak back to Paul, “this is NOT the way Keith does things on this porch, and I want to work his way, not yours. He is intentionally not giving me the feedback that I beg for because he is guided that I need to figure it out for myself, to learn to trust myself. What you are doing is invalidating my process, telling me what you see with a strong fixing and pushing energy … taking away my growth opportunity by giving me an answer that makes you smart and makes me stupid.”

“I cannot receive this comment from you because of your delivery and attitude.” I continue.

Keith smiles at me, and says a few words that send me in a different direction.

God Drama Digression

“When I beg my teacher to fix me,” I start rambling to Keith, “he refuses, because it is not appropriate, nor is it what I need in my process. When someone else tries to fix me with technically accurate information, I reject it, because it is disempowering and inappropriate.”

“Hmmmm,” I ponder out loud, “This is interesting. I desperately crave to be fixed by higher energies, but absolutely refuse to be fixed by someone who is insensitive and who does not understand me.”

“Sounds like your God drama to me.” Keith interjects.

“Yeah,” I respond humbly, “I can see that. I want God to fix me and am angry that She will not do it … and I won’t allow myself to be fixed by anyone or anything else.”

“I’m not going to project onto Paul for this one.” I add. “I know this is just showing me my God/separation drama”

Fixing Please

Meanwhile, a man from Mexico who has shamanic training asks if he can do something to me. I surprise myself by saying ‘yes’ – allowing some type of fixing energy to see what will happen. Soon, he does some type of shamanic cleansing ritual on me, involving incense, and spitting water all over me.

What happens is that I end up quite wet and feel absolutely no difference on the energetic level.

I wish Keith would do things to help “fix me”. I trust him; he has an inner license; he knows what is really going on in my process and he could really help me. But alas, Keith has too much integrity to fix me in ways that would violate the guidance of my own higher energies.

Yes, I want fixing energies from higher sources, but refuse to receive them from someone who will disempower my process.

Ain’t Gonna Happen

As most people in the ceremony eventually leave, two young women stop by my seat to give me huge hugs, sharing with me how much they love me and how much I helped them today. One even shares how I remind her so much of her grandmother’s loving energy. My heart radiates with gratitude at such tender feedback – but I am also slightly puzzled because all I have done today is to radiate love while doing my own inner work. The feedback I really crave is that from Keith.

I sit peacefully for most of the next hour, hoping the final few stragglers will leave because I desperately want a few moments alone with Keith. To my dismay, Paul, the shamanic man, and one other person remain behind, engaging Keith in a very long conversation.

I get the distinct impression that Keith is intentionally ignoring me – intentionally leaving me to fester in my emotions – that he is not going to satisfy my craving for a few minutes of one-on-one conversation.

Finally, as I sit pondering the concept of creating my own reality, I get the feeling that part if me is setting me up to go home feeling ignored and rejected after what felt like a fight with Paul – a fight that I wanted to talk about.

I know I did beautiful work, but I did not get my validation, and was then called a bull-sh#tter. I just want to talk about it … and I know that it “AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN”.

Perfect Ego Setup

Finally, around 7:30 p.m., I gather my things, stand up, and speak.

“Keith, I’m leaving now.” I mumble glumly. “I was hoping to get a few minutes alone with you, but I can see that is not going to happen.”

“You’re doing wonderfully, Brenda.” Keith shares in a way that almost feels impatient.

I do not respond, do not hug anyone, and simply walk away feeling dejected. As I near the gate, the silence is broken.

“I love you Brenda.” Paul calls out in what feels to me like gloating sarcasm – words that I perceive as being spoken from a state of cluelessness about what I am really feeling.

“Bullsh#t and all.” I respond to Paul in angry revolt as I disappear up the street.

It seems I am once again at war with my projection buddy Paul. As I walk up the steep street, I am angry, hurt, abandoned, and upset – a perfect ego setup.

Overshadowed By The Ending

Tears stream down my cheeks as I walk home. I am so angry with Paul for his utter lack of compassion, and angry with Keith for completely ignoring me as well. I have let go of what power I had, allowing myself to become lost in a state of complete victimization. As I walk into my apartment, I slam the door angrily, leave the lights turned off, and pout on my daybed.

It seems that I have taken a few steps backward in my journey with Paul. Rather than remaining unattached, I am once again projecting all over him. As I begin taking notes about my day, I am so angry that I can only remember what I am angry about. All of my beautiful growth and insights seem to have been overshadowed by the ending.

An Inside Job

I am in a huge victimization/ego loop. By 9:00 p.m., as I finish a quick meal of rice and beans, I am calming down considerably, but remain quite emotionally charged.

Part of me is livid that Keith would allow Paul’s attack on me without saying anything. The other part of me knows at a different energetic level, that I created the entire experience – that it served me greatly – that it is showing me a huge trigger and emotional pattern that I have not yet healed – and that Keith did not intervene because his guidance knows that the whole scenario will serve me.

“I create my own reality.” I remind myself over and over again. “I attracted this situation. It is not about Paul. It is not about what happened today on the porch. And nothing will change until I find and heal this issue on the inside where it really lives.”

A Lifelong Pattern

Finally, after considerable meditation, I send an email to Keith.

“Wow, you’re good …” I begin, “or perhaps I should say, wow, I’m good (at creating that is) … I think today I just recreated my life story … the story of my lifelong pain and rejection … showing me firsthand what I need to look at and let go of … the question remains, ‘How???’”

I go on to share with Keith how today, I believe I did some of my best work ever … surrendering, trusting, allowing higher energies to help … doing it mostly by myself … letting my heart express its true power … and for the most part staying out of trying to fix myself.

But then I slipped into an old pattern of desperately needing my blue ribbons – blue ribbons that I learned to depend on when my heart was conditioned out of me and I became a people-pleasing rule robot. That pattern took me into rejection by leaders and the popular crowd … leaving me feeling helpless and victimized.

The real insight comes, however, when I realize that I was invalidated and disempowered by someone who should be a healer (Paul – representing parents and religion) while my teacher (Keith – representing God) watches and seems to turn his back on me. In the end I am completely ignored, and finally leave, feeling dejected. This really is the story of the dysfunctional periods of my life.

Help Mr. Wizard

“I see this agonizing pattern.” I write to Keith in desperation. “It has played out repeatedly in my life, so many times, in so many ways. It was acted out beautifully tonight. I am a smart cookie, but I do not think I can do this all by myself. I am now in tears as I type this last sentence. I am trying so hard not to project, but this pattern brings up so much emotion, that trying to keep my projections inside of me is quite painful. I so deeply want to project all over both you and Paul … but I know this loop is inside of me.”

“Do I just sit with this,” I beg for clarity as I finish the email, “or do you think a private session tomorrow might help me find some healing clarity??? I’m thinking I would like to try to work on my projections/loop in a one-on-one session … Would you have some time tomorrow?”

Shortly before hitting the ‘send’ button on this email, a small earthquake shakes my apartment at 9:47 p.m. – quite the interesting metaphor, again reminding me that something powerful is shaking up the world as I know it.

Emotions remain so strong that attempts at restful sleep are futile. Finally, somewhere between 2:30 and 3:00 a.m., I drift off for a very unsatisfactory rest.

Going Crazy

Unbeknownst to me, Keith’s internet connection is down. It will be six days before I receive a beautiful loving reply.

After just over two hours of broken sleep, I am again awake at 5:00 a.m. on Thursday morning. Intense agitated energy flows throughout my body, especially in my abdomen and chest. It feels like a high voltage power transformer is vibrating and buzzing in my body. I try to go back to sleep but absolutely cannot calm what feels like angry energy pulsing in my body.

I try meditating, attempting to flow the energy, but all such attempts fall flat. I check my email and there are no responses. I am driving myself crazy, in and out of agitated and non-focused meditation.

It seems quite obvious that this nightmarish journey is just beginning, and I am not at all looking forward to what I intuitively know could be a very painful journey ahead.

A Rejection Loop

Finally, at 9:15 a.m., I walk out to Keith’s home, hoping to schedule a private appointment in person. I am desperate and need assistance to pull myself back together.

When I arrive near Keith’s gate, I can hear someone talking to him inside his house. Feeling extremely antisocial right now, I choose to remain on the street, waiting for Keith to have an alone moment. By 10:00 a.m., after three others have walked in to also visit with Keith, I give up my stubbornness and walk in to briefly interrupt.

“Brenda, come on in and join us.” Keith grins when he sees me.

“I want to schedule a private appointment.” I explain after turning down Keith’s offer. “I’m not feeling very social right now.”

“How about 11:00 a.m.?” Keith asks cheerfully. “I can spend an hour with you then.”

“Is that enough time?” I respond glumly. “I am really messed up.”

Tears stream down my cheek as I feel even more rejected. I know for a fact that last night Keith’s schedule was wide open for today, because he had cancelled a planned trip … but now I can barely get an hour of his time. The whole scenario takes me deeper into my rejection loop.

A Reluctant Participant

I walk home to get some breakfast, feeling angry and victimized – ready to throw my own personal pity party. I want a full private session. I cannot go into these issues with others around – especially not the ones that I am angry at – and Paul just happens to be one of those on the porch this morning. Desperate to do some deep inner work, I eat a full ceremonial dose of chocolate with my oatmeal and return to Keith’s porch at 11:00 a.m..

To my dismay, as I arrive at 11:00, not only is the group still gathered, but one woman is deep in process. They are in the midst of an impromptu group ceremony.

“Come on in,” Keith lovingly requests, “or you can come back a little later.”

Clearly recognizing that they will not be done anytime soon, I reluctantly sit down. I have a wait-and-see attitude; I am willing to watch a little and see what happens.

Frustrated And Feisty

The woman doing inner work is deeply stuck. I can profoundly relate to her stuck-ness and feel very connected to her process – but Keith is focusing all attention on her. I remain the ignored observer. I wonder what I am doing here as I wish I could melt into the pillow on which I am sitting.

Then Keith begins to work with another woman. She is stuck in deep inner lies – lies telling her that she cannot move away from situations in her life until she first fixes them.

“That is bullsh#t and you know it.” Keith surprises me by being quite blunt with the woman – something I have never heard him do with such strong language.

“Just like Brenda is stuck in the resistance of bullsh#t.” Keith adds quickly.

“Yeah, I know I am stuck in deep bullsh#t,” I respond quickly, “but it is real, and I am unable to get out of it by myself. I’m a smart cookie but this is not something I know how to do.”

“Keith,” I quickly add, “I can handle YOU calling bullsh#t on me, because you have the inner license and understand where I am at in my process … but I cannot receive the same from someone who is full of bullsh#t themselves, and who refuses to look at it.”

As I say these words, I make direct eye contact with Paul. I am feeling quite feisty and defensive.

“I only got a couple hours of sleep last night.” I bring everyone up to my frustrated state of exhaustion. “I woke up with so much angry energy vibrating in my body that it felt like a high voltage transformer shaking me on the inside.”

“I have so much anger inside that is frantically trying to get out,” I share with Keith, “and it desperately wants to project all over the place. I am struggling to bring it back inside, but I am so mad at Paul … and even mad at you.”

Pain And Confrontation

Paul takes a minute to explain that his last spiritual teacher taught everyone in his group to all to be blunt with each other – to trigger each other into dealing with their inner issues. He then boasts that he is really helping me by triggering me.

“Paul, don’t be proud of yourself.” I quickly retort. “I was making great growth before you came along … and yes, I have made great progress after you arrived … but it has been in spite of you … not because of you. Yes, you triggered me and made me angry … and I had to go inside to find my triggers … but that was not a fun ride and I am NOT grateful for it.

“Brenda,” Keith quickly interrupts, “remember that you created all of it … that Paul loved you enough to play your script for you … pushing your buttons for you. These are the same buttons that you have been pushing inside of yourself for most of your life. You wanted his pushing to get you so angry that you would find the power to overthrow those triggers.

“I like to push people into pain and confrontation because it helps them grow.” Paul proudly volunteers with a gloating grin. “I did that and said those things yesterday because I deeply care about and love you.”

“Paul, that is not the way to help people.” I again lash back. “I respond so much better to loving encouragement. Triggering pain and confrontation is not the ‘fun bus’ and I do not want to take the ‘hard bus’ anymore.”

Keith again quickly reminds me that it was my creation and that I wanted it … that I wanted it to get me angry.

Say What?

“I am feeling very angry right now,” I share with Keith, “and I am desperately trying to keep that anger under control.”

“You need that anger to overthrow this pattern of your God drama and your inability to allow love and higher energies to help you.” Keith surprises me.

“Keith, I am so confused.” I beg for clarity. “Yesterday, I accessed that anger when working with Tom and my inner Gestapo energy. I was so ready to use that anger to somehow push this out of me, but you told me to detach and to simply find that passage between the mountains … and to love myself.”

“But today,” I add with frustration, “you are saying that I need the anger – that I need to go deeper into it.”

I am back in that craziness. Soon, I am sobbing – shedding angry emotions – through an ever shifting mixture of tears, sobs, coughs, jaw shaking, and piles of tissues. I cry uncontrollably for what feels like at least fifteen minutes.

Getting The License

“Look at her.” Keith directs me to the eyes of a woman in the group who deeply relates to my being stuck.

As I look into her eyes, I note that she is teary eyed, and filled with unconditional love and compassion.

“Now, look at her.” Keith has me look into the eyes of the other woman present. “She is so stuck that she is terrified of going where you are going. She is watching and learning from you.”

Meanwhile, as fate would have it, Tom has also ‘just happened’ to show up on the porch.

“Now look at him,” Keith points to Tom. “Brenda, you chose to get so stuck and lost that you would face deep terror – so that you could help people like Tom. He is over there terrified, watching you, being more stuck than even you are. He is relating to you. You are helping him, connected to him, and only by doing what you are doing do you have the inner license to help him. And he knows it…”

Keith then goes into a beautiful explanation to the group about the work I am doing. He shares that when people first go into a core issue, they are so terrified that they have too much fear to even get close to it. He explains that I am deep into a core issue and that it is a profound work of beautiful and perfect depth – something that I have carefully orchestrated for lifetimes in order to get the understanding of human suffering and compassion that I need for my inner license to help others.

Keith then deeply surprises me by explaining to Paul that one of his issues is pushing other people’s buttons in the name of love … and that this behavior will continue to cause him grief until he recognizes it and changes it inside himself.

Just One Drop

“Now, bring in that self love,” Keith gently guides me, “open a window, use any metaphor that you need, bring in that love using God, Goddess, angels, whatever.”

I imagine myself under that magical Harry Potter protective dome, opening a window at the top of that dome. I first see my beautiful friend Angela (my hugging friend from the yoga retreat) come through the window … then a small three-year-old angel. I imagine them flying down to the ground, hugging me, sharing divine love with me.

“Brenda, just allow in one drop.” Keith guides me.

I struggle to allow in this love, finding it difficult, even with my visualized metaphors.

“There, can you feel that?” Keith asks me, indicating that a tiny amount of love did make it through my walls.

“A tiny bit, but I doubt myself.” I respond.

“Brenda, you felt it,” Keith encourages me. “You can feel this … but a part of you is in fear and denial.”

Self-Love Is Key

I engage Keith in a small debate, insisting that I need him to do a play-by-play with me – telling me what he feels so that I can match his perceptions with my own experience – helping me to recognize and identify my own feelings more accurately.

“Brenda,” Keith responds, “I cannot teach you how to do this. When I went through a similar process, I had no one to guide me. I wasn’t told, until I finally succeeded after three years, that I needed to love myself even when I would normally be flogging myself.”

My ears perk up when I hear Keith telling me that self-love, even when I would rather flog myself, is a primary clue to this process.

“There is no way to tell you how to do it.” Keith continues. “You must find that way on your own.”

“But I would still appreciate more feedback to help me learn to trust myself.”

Heartfelt Feedback

“You are doing beautifully Brenda.” Keith patiently reassures me as I re-immerse myself deep in meditation.

I am imagining myself being hugged by real-life physical people – people I love and trust to love me unconditionally. I am also visualizing my own heart as loving myself.

“I am feeling pains in my heart and solar plexus when I do this.” I express confusion. “Can you help me to understand?”

“The pain is resistance,” Keith responds. “It is part of your process.”

“I need feedback like this to help me stop questioning, so that I can just allow.” I explain to Keith.

“Your inner feelings are your source of feedback.” Keith tries to teach me.

“But they hurt, and without your help,” I explain to Keith, “I wouldn’t trust that pain means that I am allowing some love to get in. I would be thinking that I am merely resisting it.”

“Yes, the love is coming in – love that you are fighting a little, creating the pain.” Keith honors my begging for closer feedback. “The flow of that love is no longer blocked. Some is indeed getting through.”

Ignoring The Bait

Keith soon moves on to resume work with others. I am deeply grateful for the beautiful time he spent in lovingly and patiently guiding me back to a state of trusting peace.

Eventually, Keith interrupts the long impromptu gathering to run into the kitchen to make some frozen banana ice cream for all of us. During this break, I continue my peaceful meditation. For the next half hour, the porch fills with bizarre, frivolous conversations – conversations that pull everyone else out of their process.

“Congratulations for staying in the love and not taking the bait to judge others.” Keith eventually steps out to quietly whisper in my ear about how I have ignored the interruptions and remained powerfully in my process.

“Yeah,” I thank him with deep gratitude, “Thanks for noticing.”

I am quite proud of myself for being able to remain so meditatively focused in situations that used to profusely trigger me.

Happy, Peaceful, And Drained

Eventually, after gobbling down a delicious frozen treat, I return to my meditation. But I am so tired that I cannot focus.

“Do you want me to remain to hold space?” I beg Keith for permission to leave.

“Yes please stay,” Keith responds.

Soon, I am so exhausted from so little sleep, that I lie down, attempting to focus but having no more strength to continue. I rest quietly for the next two and a half hours while Keith continues working with others.

“Brenda,” Keith eventually taps me on the shoulder as the gathering reaches conclusion. “You did beautiful work today. It was profoundly powerful and I love and honor you for that.”

Soon, everyone else on the porch shares similar expressions of love and hugs with me, even Paul. I am so exhausted and fragile that I begin to cry as I exchange these hugs. I am happy and peaceful … but emotionally drained … and sleep is desperately calling.

Forgotten Dreams

Shortly before 7:00 p.m., I am done with dinner and notes, and I quickly fall asleep. To my surprise, I awaken twice, once at 8:40 p.m. and again at 9:49 p.m. – both from the midst of powerful vivid dreams. I do not remember ever dreaming so much this early in the evening. But I am so exhausted that I fight the urge to get up to record the dreams. When I finally do get up and turn on the light on my nightstand, the dreams have completely vanished. Oh well.

As I drift back to dreamland, I sleep more soundly than in a very long time, sleeping until nearly 8:00 a.m. on Friday morning.

Peaceful Divine Flow

It has been a long and exhausting two days – days inspired by powerful metaphors from an Abraham YouTube video. I have found great serenity in the concept that everything I want in my spiritual journey waits peacefully downstream.

I have learned that anger can be an extremely positive and effective emotion in overcoming the depression of powerlessness. Somehow, in ways that I cannot explain, accessing my deeply hidden anger has allowed me to work together with the light in quickly releasing reservoirs of hopelessness that seemed to hold me hostage in past powerlessness.

I have learned that there are no absolute rules when engaging in this type of inner work – that I constantly need to look for and be open to new guidance – that sometimes I can simply trust and drift on a river between two huge mountains of emotion – and other times I need to use the anger to cut the bonds that hold me anchored and hopelessly tethered to the past.

I have slogged through a new potential nightmare with my projection buddy Paul – firmly standing my ground, speaking my truth, but not getting lost or mired in present-day projections.

But most importantly, I have managed to repeatedly return to the truth that I do indeed create my own reality … that everything happens for a reason, under the direction or permission of my own higher energies … that everything serves me if only I will allow it to flow through me rather than fighting and resisting it.

The journey of these two tiring days has not been a fun one, but the outcome is once again rewarding. I only wish I had more time to rest and enjoy the beauty of this peaceful divine flow … but another turbulent chocolate ceremony looms just around the next bend.

Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

“I think I’ll just do more emotional processing today.” I ponder in frustration.

It is Saturday morning, January 14, 2012. It seems like years since I have written. I am so far behind that writing feels like a hopeless burden. Suddenly it hits me – an insight that floods me for the umpteenth time in my almost-three-year journey of self-discovery.

“I am not writing for anyone else.” I contemplate. “This should not be a burden … I am writing for me … for my own growth and integration … and I passionately want to go back and integrate what happened to me in December … to pull in the loose ends and tie them up with clarity.”

It seems that by bringing the focus back to my own personal integration, I am suddenly excited about writing again. I spend the entire day typing with passion. Finally, shortly before 10:00 p.m., I hit the publish button on, “Spreading My Wings”. I am tired and exhausted, but an inner spark is again beginning to glow. I am getting excited about resuming my writing.

Who’s Pain Is It?

After a beautiful Sunday morning of energizing meditation, I find myself on Keith’s porch for an afternoon chocolate ceremony. Shortly after the glow meditation finishes, as Keith works with a friend, I lightly tap him on the knee.

“Is this hers?” I query Keith about my intense pains while pointing to my solar plexus.

“Yes, it is hers and not yours.” Keith confirms my intuitions.

Later, as this same woman is working with pain in her heart, I too experience intense pain in my heart region. It seems that today, I am again being given a profound glimpse into the recognition that when I energetically connect with someone, I can sometimes feel their pain in my body as a way of understanding what they are going through. I am grateful that I have not fully opened this ability, because I continue to get quite confused regarding just who’s pain I might be feeling. I still identify personally with every emotion and pain that I feel – finding it quite difficult to remain non-attached, believing that everything I feel belongs to my own inner journey. It can be quite confusing at times.

Exploding Triggers

For the first half of the ceremony, I am energized, holding beautiful space for others, watching, observing, supporting, and sharing magical energy. But then my own work begins.

My magical new friend Jen has begun to send powerful loving energy to the man I called Tom in my last blog – a man who, to me, metaphorically represents a distorted masculine Gestapo energy of spiritual ego and repression – of denial, avoidance, domination, and spiritual superiority.

I am shocked as I watch my stomach revolt, getting somewhat nauseas as Jen continues to shower this very stuck man with loving energy. After doing a considerable amount of energy work on him, she even hugs him.

Triggers explode all over inside of me as painful hidden buttons are pushed everywhere. To my horror, I am feeling disgust as I look at Tom – as I observe this inexplicably-traumatizing scene unfold before me.

It seems that Tom metaphorically represents my own teenage bible-banging holier-than-thou energy … and imagining that part of me receiving love makes me want to throw up.

Hideous Hidden Hatred

As I watch my emotions flare, I realize that my work for today is obvious. I cannot love this man. He creeps me out. I see him as a rejected part of my teenage battles … as my own struggling young boy.

I hate him … until now I had no idea how much I hate him.

I clearly realize that my journey is not with real-life Tom – he is merely an external metaphor for an inside job. This has absolutely nothing to do with Tom. He is an innocent actor playing a role in my personal stage play – a holodeck drama created to show me more deeply unhealed issues on the inside.

With all of my focus, I turn inward. I begin to sense this anger and hideous hatred in its true context as hatred and venom that are safely locked away in that airtight box inside of me – an airtight box camouflaged under layers of white fluffy blankets of light.

The anger first triggers whimpers … then streaming tears … then a shaking jaw and gut-wrenching sobs. Soon, my friend Jen comes over to work with me.

A Shower Of Love

As Jen begins hugging me and tenderly caressing me, my first thought is to push her away … to see her energy as unasked-for fixing energy … to reject her genuine offer of loving support because it is pulling me out of my deep pain.

Then I realize that Jen is a manifested Godsend, and that it is time to allow someone to help me receive love … someone outside of myself. I feel her tender heart loving me like I have longed to be loved my whole life. Her heart is showering me with pure unconditional love.

Soon, I imagine myself forwarding this love to my inner-adolescent boy. Wave after wave of deeply emotional sobs flow through me as Jen showers me with this loving attention. I am receiving what I crave … I feel her loving my little boy.

A Trio Of Energies

As I eventually begin to experience sharp pains on the left side of my belly – on the feminine side – I suddenly realize that my little teenage girl wants love too. I absolutely hated her as a teenager. She took in just as much anger, self-hatred, self-loathing, and self-abuse as did my magical-mutant little teenage boy.

After about thirty minutes of inhaling this shower of unconditional love, filtering it to my genuine masculine and feminine inner-adolescents, a new realization gradually settles in.

“My little teenage boy and girl were not the angry ones.” I begin to ponder. “Yes, they were ruthlessly oppressed and desperately craving love, but it was the third energetic participant – the stuck, angry, self-righteous, bible-banging hater energy – the oppressor aspect in me that slammed me – that desperately needs my love.”

When I begin channeling Jen’s unconditional love to this third teenage-adolescent energy – the one I seem to be projecting onto Tom – things get quite intense.

Stunned Stillness

Suddenly, I begin to cough and dry-heave energy out of my abdomen. Wave after wave of deep gut wrenching pain flows through me – each wave being accompanied by jaw-shaking sobs and streaming tears. The thought of loving this hated part of me triggers me deeply.

All the while, Jen continues to shower me with pure unconditional love and compassionate energy. Eventually, as Jen’s legs begin to tire, she moves back to her seat, leaving me alone to integrate.

As I focus on bringing in more divine light and love, I sit in a state of shock. I feel so much lighter, more joyful, and freer, etc…, yet I am still experiencing the tearful emotions as well.

For the next couple of hours, I simply sit in stunned stillness, bringing in the glow, feeling peace, integrating, resting … and surrendering to exhaustion.

Heart-Felt Hope

Later in the evening, after scribbling down detailed notes and consuming a hurried dinner of rice and beans, I eagerly dive back into meditation. While impossible to describe it in writing, I definitely experience inner energetic differences. I know that something big has begun to shift inside. The journey is far from complete, but those three feuding teenage energetic aspects of me – while still hating each other – are beginning to feel touched by self-love – touched by a glimmer of heart-felt hope and divine acceptance that they have never before experienced.

Prior to falling asleep, while deep in meditation, I remember a strong and powerful thought that once came to me during those agonizing teenage years. While steeped in guilt and shame – consumed in what I believed to be horrendously sinful feelings – I had received a gift of loving inner knowing that I never shared with another living soul. Parents and church leaders would have never understood if I had tried to explain it. It was a divine gift that I buried away and believed to be just another evil thought.

“I need to personally experience ‘sinful behavior’ in order to understand people.” Those confusing Jedi voices had whispered to my tender heart. “This will give me the ability to help people later in my life.”

I did not understand it at the time, but I was being divinely reassured that going through that pain to get my own inner license was an important part of my inspired path.

An Old Ego Loop

Early Monday morning, Keith stops by to invite me to participate in a small private ceremony at 1:00 p.m. As usual, when I participate in such a ceremony, I envision myself simply holding space and assisting.

When am I going to learn that this reality is my own personal holodeck, and that everything that happens in my reality is designed by me and for me – unless of course I am simply allowing it?

After showing up on Keith’s porch, it does not take me long before I make an innocent statement to Paul (who is also participating). It is an impromptu statement – one that I can tell that Paul took the wrong way. I sink into self-judgment, feeling bad for what I just said. During the glow meditation, I finally recognize what I am doing.

“I am deep in an old self-flogging ego loop of trying to be genuine but ‘screwing things up again’,” I clearly recognize.

Curious Timing

At the end of the glow meditation, Keith remains silent, leaving an unusual and very long gap of complete uninterrupted meditation time. I take advantage of this peaceful silence to work through the remaining self-judgments of having launched into an old ego loop. Within moments of returning to a state of self-love and peaceful energy in my heart, Keith suddenly turns to me.

“How are you doing Brenda?” Keith startles me.

I describe my journey with ego and self-flogging and Keith just smiles. I know that he knows he needed to wait for me to rejoin the group … his timing completely blows me away.

“Are you ready to be a powerful healer today?” Keith then asks another unusual question.

“Yeah, I am.” I respond from a state of genuine peace, curiously wondering what Keith has up his sleeve.

Painful And Confusing

I do not see it until later, but from a perspective of hindsight, the entire ceremony seems to have been divinely orchestrated just for me.

Prior to a beautiful empath training, as Keith works with a young woman, I begin to feel a great deal of pain in my abdomen. I do not want to interrupt Keith, but finally, while experiencing intense pain and confusion, I trust a tiny voice that tells me to ask.

“Keith,” I query after tapping him on the shoulder, “Is this pain that I am experiencing in my solar plexus hers?”

“Yes it is.” Keith responds matter-of-factly.

Wow, I am in totally agony. This hurts … this empath stuff is painful and confusing. I can only imagine how I must have felt as a child without having someone to teach me about it.

Fearful Voices

As I sit continuing to hold space while quietly meditating, I attempt to release the pain to an imagined ball of light in front of me. New insights begin to flood my awareness.

“I have been seeing this wall around my heart as the enemy.” I ponder with clarity. “I have seen this wall as being in the way … believing that I need to tear it down … that I need to put huge cracks in the wall until it crumbles … saying ‘bring it on’ … that it is time to open my magic, etc…”

After yesterday’s huge release of self-hatred and anger, I feel some lighter energy vibrations in the deeply blocked nail-in-my-heart spot at the center of my heart chakra. But something is trembling inside – a faint voice of fear is persistently attempting to be heard. I suddenly get the feeling that I am in denial, my own form of spiritual ego, trying to suppress this fear rather than allowing its voice to come up, to be felt, and to be heard.

“I wonder what this fear is about,” I ponder curiously, as I begin to explore it.

Cowering In Terror

After about ten minutes of allowing this emotion to fester and strengthen, I begin to tremble from the fear that is surfacing in my soul. I struggle to hold back my tears, trying to suppress them. I know that this is a private ceremony, and believe that I am here to hold space – not to interrupt the ceremony with my own work.

As I struggle with this fear, it grows and grows and grows. It is no longer just fear … it is sheer terror of that wall around my heart coming down. I find myself in a state of panic and pain – in the unbelievable confusion of my little inner child – in the fear-filled midst of the very profound reason of why I erected that energetic wall in the first place.

As a tiny child, I was being slammed with empathic pain and emotional agony, and had no support or understanding from anyone. The responses I received from family would have been denial of my feelings, calling me crazy, telling me I was confused, and insistence that I just stop crying and push the emotions down – a complete invalidation of my magic.

“I experienced this same terror as a child.” I ponder with profound clarity. “This is why I built that protective wall around my heart. Now that I am cracking into the wall, allowing love to filter through the cracks, and releasing reservoirs of self hatred … I can feel my inner child cowering in terror of repeating the past.”

These repeated glimpses of empath magic are triggering a complete state of inner panic about reopening the magic – about disturbing what has been the protective stability of my wall – a wall that has kept out the pain and the love as well.

Lost Composure

“This wall is not my enemy,” I ponder. “It has been my protection from complete energetic electrocution. Wow … my blown fuse … could it be? If I do not learn how to recognize and use my inner magic from a positive polarity, it will most certainly fry me again.”

“Help!” I finally interrupt Keith while fighting back sobs and sheer terror.

“Absolutely.” Keith smiles back at me.

I quickly lose my composure, going deeper than ever before into the frantic pain of my inner child. I cry, sob, cough, dry-heave, wheeze, and sob some more. It hurts and I am in a state of utter panic.

Lost In Craziness

“Keith,” I beg for guidance. “I want to do this the easy way … with the light. I am stuck trying to decide if I need to unleash the buckets of tears, or if I need to put a stopper in it and try to bring in more light. I know I am in my head, trying to figure it out … but I don’t know how to do it right … I don’t trust my voices … I’m wondering if this is ego masquerading as my child.”

“I know the pain and fear are indeed real,” I continue my plea for help, “but then I wonder if that little child has already healed and is just holding up a heart for me while I lose myself in victimization.”

I know I need to go into these emotions … that I need to follow and not push … but then again, I don’t trust anything because I am once again feeling crazy, not knowing which voice in my head is real and which is ego.

As usual, in the midst of deep emotional pain, I have forgotten to take the light with me, and am now so emotional that I am incapable of connecting to that higher love.

Stuck In Limbo

“My little child was so confused and frightened.” I whimper unfolding insights to Keith. “The inner voices of doubt are strong and overwhelmingly confusing.”

“Why don’t you just not do anything but hang out with that little girl and watch the show,” Keith surprises me with a beautiful suggestion. “See it like a lightning storm, or a fireworks show. Just watch the wall of resistance to see what comes through it.”

I do this for a while and find some peace, but also feel deeply lost and confused, like I am stuck and simply wasting time.

“I feel like my little girl and I are in limbo.” I tell Keith the first thought that pops out of my head.

“An interesting word,” Keith responds to my rambling.

“Wow,” I think to myself, “limbo … in between two worlds. That is actually where I really want to be, yet I am absolutely not comfortable spending time there. I’m stuck thinking that I need to be doing something to move forward.”

In The Loop

“Trust the perfection of what is happening.” Keith shares as he reminds me of the beautiful synchronous flow that is unfolding through me.

Keith then points out a common and powerful ego loop that I frequently repeat – that as soon as I make a huge breakthrough or reach a profound emotional release or realization, that I go into pushing, confusion, and doubt – trying to do things … trying to figure out what to do next … refusing to simply sit back and watch things unfold … thinking that I have to make them happen, but I don’t know how. Then I go into a state of recognizing what I am doing, which takes me into self-judgment, guilt, and self-flogging. Finally, I exit the loop and return to trusting the next element of the flow.

“Can you please repeat that?” I beg Keith. “I am feeling so much confusion right now that I’m not sure I got all of that.”

I find it quite disturbing to realize that I have again regressed to a state of childhood confusion where I literally struggle to remember something that Keith shared just seconds ago.

“We can go into it later when you are not confused, because you are in that loop right now.” Keith lovingly guides me.

Confusing Rational-Mind Logic

“As a child, I was taught that my intuitive feelings don’t count.” I share with Keith. “I was made to believe that what I knew in my heart was crazy and wrong, and that I had to live in the cultural box instead … yet that box felt crazy to me. It confused me, and felt deeply violating and disempowering.”

“I learned to never trust my inner voice because it got me into trouble.” I continue. “Instead, I learned to please my parents to win approval. My intuitions were absolutely and completely conditioned out of me. I became hyper vigilant of people’s reactions, desperately attempting to please others – doing whatever would win me the most love and praise.”

“If I tried to follow my own inner voice,” I continue sharing the words that flow through me,” my parents hounded me with confusing logic and reason, repeatedly telling me why they were right and I was wrong. The more I tried to defend and explain myself, to express my genuine inner knowing, the more I was slammed, rejected, and reasoned with. Confusing rational-mind logic and reason were used to make me wrong, over and over again, until I finally surrendered, admitting I was wrong, that my parents were right, and that my own inner feelings were crazy.”

“I had no choice but to surrender and give up.” I finish my insight-filled speech.

At Ground Level

“Perhaps you need to go into your subconscious book of beliefs and work with that belief,” Keith guides me. “Find the belief saying you are not allowed to trust your own heart – that you immediately need to question and doubt everything that originates in your heart. You already know how to do that.”

As I focus on this meditation, I struggle for more than thirty minutes. Confusion continues to occupy my mind, combined with constant external distractions – loud music in town, neighborhood noises, and talking on the porch. I am unable to even get past the first few metaphorical steps as the noises distract all of my attention.

I ask little Bobby and Sharon, along with an angel and my Higher Self to go into the meditation with me, but I still get nowhere. I can imagine myself holding hands with my beautiful metaphorical friends, but I am unable to move, unable to feel myself stepping down a staircase into my subconscious mind. No matter how many steps I imagine myself taking, I feel as if I continue to remain at ground level.

Listening To Lies

“I can’t do it.” I finally express my frustration to Keith. “I can’t even get past the first few steps.”

“With a core issue like this,” Keith lovingly encourages me, “there is often too much fear at first.”

“Wow, this IS a core issue.” I respond. “In fact, it is probably one of the most core struggles I have ever addressed. All of my self-doubts about following my heart, all of my confusion and being stuck in my head – all of those dysfunctional patterns originate with this belief.”

“And even now I continue to listen to those lies in my head!” I express in frustration. “Rational mind still doubts and questions everything that comes from my heart.”

Stuck In The Lies

“Rational mind and ego are not the same thing.” Keith quickly reminds me. “When you are struggling with ego doubts, you have a strong tendency to blame that struggle on rational mind … but it is really ego masquerading as your rational mind.”

“My mind is not the problem,” I quickly ponder what I keep forgetting. “It is these confusing ego lies that pretend to be my rational mind. It is my parent’s conditioning voices now turned into my own inner voices, repeating lie after lie to keep me stuck in that childhood suppression.”

I love and honor my parents. I know that they raised me with love in the only way they knew how, genuinely filling me with the teachings of their religion and culture – but this love does not diminish the agonizing results of having my inner voice invalidated and squashed – no matter how well-intentioned the process may have been.

Master Of Lies And Disguise

“Brenda,” Keith asks an unexpected question, “If I were to lie repeatedly to you, what would you do?”

“Wow,” I ponder the absurdity of this vivid example. “I would quickly learn to stop believing you, and would probably end the friendship if the lies continued.”

“Now,” Keith continues, “if you have a voice inside of you that you know is repeatedly lying, what do you do?”

The answer is again obvious, but as I further ponder, I sink quickly into my craziness, wondering just which of the voices in my head might be that liar … just who is masquerading as whom. I know that ego is a master of disguise, capable of cleverly masquerading as spirituality, intuition, rational thought, almost anything.

“How do I know?” I ponder in frustration.

A Beautiful Heart

Finally, I decide to simply give up the mind games, realizing that I am pushing the river. Instead, I go into meditation and begin to watch the fireworks show with my inner child Sharon. I start by imagining Sharon and I lying on the ground. We are at Hogwarts, in the magical world of Harry Potter, in the last hour of the final movie, watching a massive force field dome above us – imagining this force field to be the wall that we have erected around our heart to keep the magic out.

But soon, we have changed scenes. Now we are in a beautiful meadow behind my heart – watching the same force field above, but doing so from the beautiful grass and flowers of this peaceful meadow.

Sharon and I are not trying to do anything. We are simply enjoying each other’s company, watching and just being. She is not fearful, terrified, or confused. Instead, she holds out a beautiful heart for me.

Trusting The Flow

“Keith,” I beg for clarity, “How do I know if I am scamming myself … if I am simply denying this childhood emotion, or if it really is already healed. I know the emotions were real, but this little girl is intuitively telling me that all is now well – that what is important is for me to understand why I built that protective wall in the first place.”

“Brenda,” Keith responds, “if you are scamming yourself, it will come up again and again until you get the lesson. Trust the beautiful flow that you are in. If you miss something, you know it will surface again.”

I spend the remainder of this beautiful ceremony meditating in peace with my little girl, doing nothing else. Later, as I engage in parting conversation with the young couple who had scheduled the ceremony, they give me beautiful feedback that participating in my process is exactly what they needed for their own growth – that instead of taking away from their ceremony, that I greatly added to it.

“I invited you today because you needed to be here.” Keith reinforces the feedback.

Keith then smiles and reminds me that everything is my creation.

Stir Crazy

Later that same evening, after watching a fun movie, I attempt to meditate before going to bed. But to my dismay, I am going stir crazy. I try to go back into the meadow with my inner children, but first decide to actually ask them if they are OK with that plan. However, when I go inside to ask the question, I cannot get a straight intuitive answer. I find only confusion and resistance.

“Is ego masquerading as this resistance?” I ponder in craziness. “Or are my inner children actually refusing to hang out with me?”

I really do not know the answer to this question. I attempt to go into observer mode, but as I do so, I feel my thoughts begin to ping-pong all over the place, energetically bouncing around with force inside of my skull. I literally feel like I am going crazy.

A Mystical Mutant Metaphor

A new image flashes into my mind – that of the character “Mystique” in “X-Men: The Last Stand”. She is a blue-skinned mutant who can shape-shift to match someone’s appearance, successfully masquerading as literally anyone.

“Mystique is a beautiful metaphor for ego.” I ponder with clarity. “Just like her, ego could literally be pretending to be anyone or anything, and actually get away with it. Ego is all over my head, possibly masquerading as everything.”

“If I knew someone was lying to me constantly, what would I do?” I ponder Keith’s earlier metaphor. “Is everything in my head potentially a lie?”

I feel insanely agitated as I try to step back into pure observer mode. I know the observer itself cannot be faked … or can it?

If I am merely observing this battle in my head, could I still be duped? I know my mind cannot figure it out … that I cannot use rational mind to undo ego. I want to use rational mind to help, I want to use it as my partner, but I know that thought is not the tool for this job. The problem is that I do not trust the alternatives.

“My heart knows the truth.” I remind myself. “But right now, can I even trust my heart connection? Aaaarrrrgh!”

Drop The Lies

As I slip further down the rabbit hole, I suddenly remember a quote that Keith frequently mentions during chocolate ceremonies. It is a quote from the textual description of “The Burden Card” as found in the Osho Zen Tarot deck.

The short quote that Keith often paraphrases is as follows:

“The truth has not to be achieved… it is already the case. Only the lie has to be dropped… Striving after truth is a distraction and a postponement. It is the lie’s way to hide.”

“The truth is inside of me.” I ponder with increased clarity. “I don’t need to find the truth … it already is … my heart is connected to and knows the truth … the answer is to stop believing the lies. And the biggest paradoxical lie is that I have to doubt and question everything that my heart tells me is true.”

“The lies hide in all of my emotional densities … in all of my dysfunctional beliefs and patterns … in my blockages and fears.” I ponder. “I need simply continue my inner work, trusting my flow, removing layer after layer of these lies that cloud my true vision.”

“There are so many spiritual teachings,” I ponder quietly, “so many contradictions, so much truth, so much mistruth. Is it all true? Is any of it true? Is it all just a cosmic riddle? Is my reality really just my own private holodeck that will allow me to manifest whatever I need … Keith, the porch, literally everything in my daily life?”

“Is the answer to literally stop seeking?

The Burden Card

Before proceeding, I feel guided to include the full written description of the Osho Zen Tarot Burden Card. It overflows with so much wisdom that I am obsessed to quote it all. The following comes from: Osho This Very Body The Buddha Chapter 6.

“A man’s true life is the way in which he puts off the lie imposed by others on him. Stripped, naked, natural, he is what he is. This is a matter of being, and not of becoming. The lie cannot become the truth, the personality cannot become your soul. There is no way to make the nonessential the essential. The nonessential remains nonessential and the essential remains essential, they are not convertible. And striving towards truth is nothing but creating more confusion. The truth has not to be achieved. It cannot be achieved, it is already the case. Only the lie has to be dropped. All aims and ends and ideals and goals and ideologies, religions and systems of improvement and betterment, are lies. Beware of them. Recognize the fact that, as you are, you are a lie, manipulated, cultivated by others. Striving after truth is a distraction and a postponement. It is the lie’s way to hide. See the lie, look deep into the lie of your personality. Because to see the lie is to cease to lie. No longer to lie is to seek no more for any truth—there is no need. The moment the lie disappears, truth is there in all its beauty and radiance. In the seeing of the lie it disappears, and what is left is the truth.

The truth has not to be achieved… it is already the case. Only the lie has to be dropped… Striving after truth is a distraction and a postponement. It is the lie’s way to hide.”

Following is additional commentary that goes with the description above:

“When we carry a load of shoulds and shouldn’ts imposed on us by others we become like this ragged, struggling figure trying to make his way uphill. “Go faster, try harder, reach the top!” shouts the foolish tyrant he carries on his shoulder, while the tyrant himself is crowned with an imperious rooster. If life these days feels like just a struggle from the cradle to the grave, it could be time to shrug your shoulders and see what it feels like to walk without these characters on your back. You have your own mountains to conquer, your own dreams to fulfill, but you will never have the energy to pursue them until you release yourself from all the expectations you’ve gathered from others but now think are your own. Chances are they exist only in your own mind, but that doesn’t mean they can’t weigh you down. It’s time to lighten up, and send them on their way.”

Wow, I love these words of profound wisdom. I especially love the reminder that “in the seeing of the lie, it disappears” and “…you will never have the energy to pursue them (dreams) until you release yourself from all the expectations you’ve gathered from others but now think are your own.”

Wake-Up Call

Finally, after a very late night, meditatively journeying with these ego lies, I drift off for a few hours of broken sleep. Early Tuesday morning, for the first time in many days, I wake up at 4:30 a.m., hacking and coughing up fluid from my lungs. The fluid had dried up several days ago, but is now back, seemingly synchronized with new emotion.

I want to go back to sleep, but an intuitive feeling in my heart tells me that this is a wake-up call – that I need to honor this intuitive feather tickle rather than wait for something louder to shake up my world.

I sit up on the corner of my bed, meditating for two and a half hours. It is a beautiful meditation, one bringing profound insights into my view of this upside down world.

Contemplating Conditioning

It seems quite clear that magical connected babies are born into a world of adults who are asleep. The baby is tiny and fragile, with an undeveloped brain, so the sleeping adults assume that they are the teachers and the baby is the student – when in reality the baby is fully conscious and aware, continuing to maintain connections to higher energies. By the time the baby can talk, the adults have already squashed out most all of the signs of magical connection. If any remains, what magic is left will be squashed even more by additional training that comes from the sleeping adults.

In my case, by age seven or eight, the citizen factory training was complete. All semblance of a unique soul had been turned into a people-pleasing robot, hyper vigilant in the role of pleasing parents and winning their approval. It was not very long before I took over as chief enforcer of that conditioning voice, becoming my own inner bible-banging preacher of self-criticism, self-judgment, and enforcement of society’s rules.

It is no wonder that a famous spiritual teacher once taught that the way to the Kingdom of Heaven involves becoming as little children.

Heart Journey

By age eleven, my heart was yearning and screaming to get out of the box. My feminine self begged for release. But I was in absolute crisis to push all of the “heart-craziness” back down, at all costs. I desperately fought to preserve my image of conformity and obedience. I believed that my salvation depended on it. As a result of the extreme inner dissonance, the emotional densities began to pile up – the self hatred, shame, guilt, anger, and self-loathing – all of it just piled higher and higher.

By age twenty-eight, my genuine heart was screaming for expression, but I found it impossible to push through the layers of conditioning at that time. My feminine self was a tiny bud with too many layers of dense soil pounding down on me, demanding that I stay in my proper place.

It was not until age forty-one when, in an act of desperation and self/heart-preservation, I leapt out of the box, risking it all – knowing that I had no other choice but to follow my heart. I was waking up to a new me, a heart-guided me, and those I loved dearly could only see the craziness – the craziness of someone who would choose my heart over the safety and comfort of a box that was literally killing my soul. It broke my heart to know that they could not follow, but it literally would have physically killed my heart to remain stuffed away in that restrictive box where my soul could no longer breathe.

A Question Of Sanity

I am guided back to a memory of a crazy chocolate ceremony last spring when I first relived the confusing craziness of my childhood shutdown – a magical child, intuitively and energetically connected, being forced to conform to a sleeping, citizen-factory-conditioned, logical-minded world.

“I really was the only sane one as a child.” Keith had helped me realize at the conclusion of that bizarre experience.

Yes, I was divinely connected, being forced to deny and forfeit that connection in order to fit into an alien world of sleeping people. I made the choice to have this experience before being born … and after being born, I had no choice but to comply.

Wet Snotty Tissues

As I further ponder the conditioning process, I realize that my protective force field, my bubble, my wall of protection, was based on fear and confusion – but even more so, it was based on anger at a fake God. Nearly all of the teachings that shut me down as a child were done in the name of a conditionally loving God. All of the adults in my life led me to believe that God would judge/condemn/punish, blah blah blah, if I did not sacrifice the magic in my heart for the distorted beliefs of this alien world.

I could only be loved if I obeyed all of the rules, many of which made no sense to me, some of which taught exactly the opposite of what a truly unconditionally loving God would teach. I killed my magic to fit into this world of conditioned lies.

By 8:00 a.m. on Tuesday morning, as I scribble a few notes about a difficult night and morning of nearly non-stop meditation, I am lost in the angry world of confusion and rebellion – lost in anger at an upside down world that taught me so many lies – lost in anger at a world where I don’t know what is a lie and what is truth.

I do not know where to place my feet, who or what I can believe, and I am again consumed in a frightening state of not knowing what is up or down. Jaw-shaking sobs consume me as I melt into a growing pile of wet snotty tissues.

License Please

By mid morning, I step out into the beautiful sun to go buy fruit, bread, and drinking water. As I do so, I bump into a casual friend who seems to be in an especially sunny and chipper mood today.

“How are you doing?” She asks with a cheerful smile.

“I’m having one of those crazy undoing of ego days.” I respond, trying to be honest without being too glum or depressing about it.

“Oh,” she jumps in with giggling rational-mind advice. “You need to figure out what you want to do with your life. Just remember that you can create a beautiful day today if you choose.”

“Bullsh#t”, I think to myself as I wish I could punch her.

But instead, I smile graciously, thank her for cheering me up, and quietly walk away as I return to my emotional not-so-cheerful journey.

I wish I could have responded, “It’s interesting how you think you know right where I am at, and that the solution is to cheer me up … but you don’t have a clue as to what I am really going through.”

Her words are wise, expressed with loving intent … but there is no energetic inner license backing up her words. No matter how good or true the advice, it falls on deaf ears when not energetically carried by an inner license of “been there, done that, got the T-Shirt”.

Just Bee

I do not feel guilty as I return to my apartment. I was very polite to my friend, but I also recognize that simply forcing a smile on my face is not the answer to undoing ego. I am fully aware that I must take the plunge … to dive into this craziness. There is no time for wading and wishy-washy decisions about whether or not I really want to go swimming in the cold, uncomfortable water. I simply jump in … returning to the crazy meditation of not knowing anything.

At 11:00 a.m., a lone honeybee begins to fly around my head. A similar bee had done the same thing yesterday morning – and these are the first two bees I have seen in my apartment since the fall of 2010, when an entire swarm took up residence in my bedroom window.

“Why is this bee flying around inside of my apartment?” I ponder curiously. “Is this a metaphor? If so, what is it trying to tell me?”

What I have learned is that the Universe often communicates with obvious and very literal metaphors. The thoughts that pass through my mind resonate profoundly.

“Just one bee,” I begin to play with words. “Just be … just be one … prepare to fly.”

Yes, I know it is time to simply be with my craziness, to surrender and just ‘bee’.

Lost And Bewildered

A few minutes later, I decide to give up my meditative attempts to do something and I follow a little hunch to check the internet. I am delighted to discover an unexpected quote from a man whose words have recently inspired me deeply. The quote that jumps out at me is from a man named Matt Kahn, from his Facebook page titled “Sacred Heart Wisdom from Matt Kahn”.

“The spiritual journey has nothing to do with following the map of another person’s findings. It is the simplicity of realizing, those who are willing to be lost and bewildered are the ones who find the truth.”

Loving this quote so much, deeply relating to the concept of being willing to be lost and bewildered, I share this quote on my Facebook page, and add my own comment at the top: “Today, I am right back in that space of being lost and bewildered … I love this quote. It gives me a little hope and sanity.”

Later, in response to a query by a friend, I add the comment: “Yeah … it is all part of my deep processing to learn about the voices in my head and to unravel the ego loops that trap me. I got into a place last night where I realized that from day one (as a newborn) I had been taught and conditioned by people that invalidated the true voice of my heart … I got into another crazy state of questioning every voice in my head and questioning reality ever deeper. I’m doing much better now.”

At the time of these innocent comments, I have no idea how much deep emotion will be thrown into a dark muddy blender by the end of the week. (For details, see a blog titled Butterfly Wings, posted January 23, 2012)

Magical And Peaceful

Feeling much better after a “bee metaphor” and a beautiful inspiring quote, I soon walk out to Keith’s magical porch to participate in the private ceremony of a new friend. I am amazed how fast a depressed mood has switched back into loving peace.

During this ceremony, as I hold beautiful loving space for my friend, I clearly recognize that a “Gestapo-like” energy continues to reside inside of me, beating me up with heavy self-abuse, shutting me down between heart and solar plexus. The energy remains a heavy, dense mystery that continues to provide stiff resistance at any attempt I make to bring in more self-love to my lower chakras.

When I eventually return home, late on Tuesday evening, my energy vibrates in a state of deep peace. I truly am in a state of “just bee-ing” … of allowing myself to be lost and bewildered without judging myself for being there.

There is something magical and peaceful about not knowing, about simply trusting the flow to take me to where I am going.

Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Wednesday morning, January 11, I awaken in a state of high vibration energy. Throughout the night, during the times when I was semi-awake, I experienced visualizations with changing patterns, mostly quite simple, but many accompanied by never-before-experienced bright and vivid colors.

After a morning of mostly resting and meditating in this same beautiful energy, I begin to recognize that I have a great deal of emotional charge building inside – emotions having to do with jealousy, anger, and resentment – emotions that seem to have been buried and suppressed during my teen years.

A Little Of Both

As the afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway, I am already feeling very intense pains in my solar plexus during the initial parts of the glow meditation. The interesting twist is that I am feeling a great deal of peaceful energy in my body from the ribcage upward. It is as if I am two separate people – completely vibrating in a loving space in my upper four chakras, while painfully stuck in the lower three.

“Wow,” Keith glances in my direction while he works with someone else. “You have lots of intense solar plexus energy today!”

“I’m wondering if this pain in my solar plexus is all mine,” I ask for guidance, “or if part of it could be something I am taking in from others as well.”

“A little of both,” Keith guides me, confirming my own intuitions.

While sending loving energy to my solar plexus, I focus a great deal of “holding space” energy on the woman with whom Keith is working. She is an extremely sensitive empath that is just beginning to understand her magic. I will call her Jen.

Three Feuding Energies

Soon, Keith pulls up his cushion and sits in front of me.

“I’m trying to send light and love to that intense agitation in my solar plexus.” I explain to Keith. “Inner guidance tells me I am working with three energies – three inner adolescents. The first two are the masculine and feminine aspects of my genuine self as a teenager – the deeply confused but well intentioned, loving selves underneath all of the emotional layers that smothered me during those painful years. The third is the intense resistance energy that self-righteously fought to suppress the other two.”

“These three energies all despise each other.” I share my shock with Keith. “I am trying to send love down there to help them …”

Freudian Slips

“Stop right there, Brenda.” Keith briefly points out my Freudian slip, telling me that my words are implying an inner ‘fixing’ energy.

I had been trying to visualize myself as the divine butler, holding a tray of unconditional love from which the three energies could either partake or ignore – but my actual spoken words were beginning to show that I wanted to push this love onto these energies with a subtle motive of making them reconcile and heal. An impatient aspect of me is so frustrated by the pain that I want to make it go away, and I do not trust that the loving flow of my being can resolve the issue without my pushing.

From similar conversations with Keith in the past, I have learned to pay attention to these Freudian slips – as they show me the subtle difference between my intent in the conscious mind versus what is actually being verbally spoken by a different energy with slightly hidden motives.

“Brenda, stop trying to send energy,” Keith had guided me, “and simply make the love available to those feuding energies. And rather than seeing them as broken and needing your love, see them as your teachers.”

Free Access

As Keith moves on, I shift gears and go very deep into meditation. I suddenly realize that the energies in my abdomen are remnants of all the people in my life whom I have tried to love, but that have seemed to reject me in one way or another, not wanting my genuine love, and breaking my heart.

As I explore these painful experiences, many faces pass through my mind, triggering deep emotional memories. These are the faces of people that I feel have tried to manipulate and control me with what they call love – some faces even trigger lingering emotions of outright backstabbing and betrayal.

“Each of these people is my teacher.” I ponder with clarity. “I need to make myself vulnerable to them, to energetically offer them a butler tray of unconditional love – inviting them to come and partake if they wish – giving them free access to the beautiful love of my heart.”

Open And Vulnerable

Memories take me back to Sunday when I opened my heart to Marie, vulnerably dropping my resistance walls while inviting higher energies to flow through my heart – allowing Marie to pull through me exactly what she needed for her own healing.

With this image in my mind, as I open my vulnerability to all of the feuding energies in my solar plexus, intense fears begin to consume me as I teeter on the edge of outright sobbing. Emotions are intense as I contemplate becoming increasingly open and vulnerable to the energies of those people who participated as seeming-perpetrators in the most painful rejections of my life.

A Genuine Inner Boy

As Keith works with a woman across the porch, Paul begins to sob. Immediately, I begin to sob as well. I am so touched by Paul’s emotional pain.

“Congratulations on reaching your inner child issues.” Keith speaks to Paul.

While crying with him, I make loving eye contact with Paul who sits several feet away. To my delight, he comes over and sits directly in front of me, holding my hands while we sit face to face, in full eye contact, both of us sobbing together.

After about ten minutes, Paul stands up and moves. I love it. I have let go of my animosity and found pure love for both Paul and for that genuine little inner boy inside me – a little boy for whom Paul has been a powerful mirror.

Complex Hatred

As Keith continues to work with others, the underlying theme of their individual work seems to trigger me greatly. It is a theme of self-love and of connecting to a rejected inner child. I frequently slip into more tears, while being repeatedly shocked by the synchronicity of how my tears seem to be simultaneous with Paul’s.

Intuitions have taken me back to working with my three inner-adolescent energies – the masculine, the feminine, and the bible-banging repressor-self that tried to squash and control them both. I invite them all to join me in my inner conference room, hoping that we can sit down for a chat to find some type of resolution to our differences.

But soon, I realize that none of them want to be in the same room together. They hate each other, they utterly despise each other, and their stomachs turn at the thought of having to face one another in close proximity. Very soon, I visualize them as each being in their own walled-off section of the conference room – each hiding behind their own private door.

Things get a tad bit more complex when I get deeply honest with myself. It seems that parts of me continue to hate each one of them as much as they appear to hate each other.

A Subtle Instigator

“I’m working on trying to open a tiny crack in the door to my heart.” I share with Keith when he finally stops to work briefly with me. “All of these hated energies in my solar plexus are separately walled off in that conference room, and they are as terrified of me as I am of them.”

“I cannot even visualize opening a tiny crack in that door to my heart, without sobbing.” I further share.

Keith deeply congratulates me for the profound new understanding. I am so surprised by the intensity of the insights that keep flowing into my awareness. I had no idea that such inner hatred continues to exist, and I seem to be a subtle instigator of that self-hatred.

Time To Receive

“Brenda, are you available to assist me?” Keith asks if I can help him work with Jen.

“I’m still deep in my process,” I respond, “but if you want me to help, I trust that doing so will be what I need as well.”

“Brenda,” Keith surprises me, “just like you, this beautiful woman has an inability to receive love, but she has a profound capacity to share it. She is going to help you do what you cannot do for yourself. She is going to share her love with you.”

As I energetically connect with Jen, staring into her eyes, I imagine that I might be headed for another vulnerability experience such as the one I had on Sunday with Marie – the one so dramatically interrupted by a little green frog. But soon, as I begin to cry quite heavily, Keith informs me that he is inviting a man and a woman to come and hold me from behind. As these beautiful people wrap their arms around me in an unconditionally loving embrace, I totally lose it.

A Love Starved Soul

Seconds later, I break down into screeching sobs as I suck in the desperately craved love – as I feel myself receiving divine unconditional love that has been so blocked until now. I am shocked and overwhelmed by the intensity of my emotional expression as I increasingly surrender to this shower of divine love.

This beautiful man and woman continue to hug and caress me while Jen disconnects and goes into her own process.

The sweet man, a beautiful young man from Guatemala City, repeatedly kisses my cheeks and whispers in my ears things like “I love you God” … “I love you” … “You are so beautiful.”

They are both so active in caressing and rubbing my shoulders and back, in kissing my cheeks etc…, that I find it quite distracting – but I do not reject anything. I crave the genuine love. I inhale it into my love-starved soul.

Resistance Is Futile

Soon, Paul and Jen each place hands on my knees, energetically connecting and showing their loving support as well. I feel no more need to reject any offer of love and support. I feel no defensive attempt to judge whether or not the love that is offered comes with pushing or fixing. I simply have no walls.

I am surrendering, allowing myself to freely receive all of this beautiful love that is being offered – yet part of me resists, feeling profoundly hesitant. I want to open the door to my heart a little wider – I want to receive even more of this beautiful love – but something inside feels terrified of more brokenhearted pain if I do so.

“In spite of your fears,” the Jedi voices whisper quietly, “the door to your heart is already opening.”

Heartfelt Speculation

“How are you doing?” Keith eventually checks in with me.

“I think I opened the door to my heart, just a tiny bit.” I respond with a loving grin.

Paul laughs loudly, quickly stating that I opened up much more than just a tiny bit.

“I think this blockage is my blown fuse.” I speculate to Keith. “I have been shattered so many times by rejection and heartache that I finally blew my ‘receiving love’ circuits as a protection mechanism. I could not risk it any more … a vulnerable and open heart was just too frightening.”

“I burned the fuse, refusing to be vulnerable ever again,” I continue speculating. “I knew that one more lightning bolt of rejection and heartache might fry all of my circuits, and might literally kill me.”

Keith does not respond to my speculation, but he does smile a big smile, leaving me to wonder just what he is thinking. I get the feeling he agrees that I am onto something.

Feeling My Pain

Eventually, I curl up on the ground under a blanket, almost in shock, while observing the energy differences between my heart and solar plexus chakras. I feel energy flow that is tingly and painful – but it is no longer totally blocked, I do feel some flow.

As I continue observing, a sharp column of pain forms from just below my sternum, right down the center of my abdomen and ending at my groin. I surrender and allow, but the pain is excruciating. Jen begins to feel sharp pains in her body, not only in her abdomen, but also at the spot where I normally feel that “nail-in-the-heart” pain in my chest.

What is strange is that I myself am not feeling the heart-chakra pain. I am surprised when Keith tells Jen that she is working with me – that she is feeling my pain.

Intuitively, I know that the pain in my abdomen is resistance to a vertical energy channel that wants to open – but that a frightened hidden part of me continues to fight.

Building Trust

I am exhausted and unable to make more progress. As I begin to feel my own “nail-in-the-heart” pain, I further surrender.

“Help, Keith,” I beg for guidance. “What do I do with all of this pain?”

“Go inside and find the answer.” Keith guides me

“I feel that I am being guided that I have done enough for today,” I finally share with Keith. “My heart is telling me it is time to take a break, to build trust in what we did today – and that I am being told this is a lesson in not pushing the river, in not trying to go too fast.”

“I am being guided to just trust,” I continue, “and to learn that I am not the one doing this awakening … that it is happening through me in a perfect synchronous flow … that I need do nothing but cooperate with that flow. It is not my task to finish the job. This is about building trust in the flow and simply surrendering.”

Giving And Receiving

As I sit resting and integrating, most of the group gradually disappears from the porch – but my friend Jen remains behind, still doing her own processing. As I begin to share energy with her, I note that my own pains fade considerably. I am delighted to see that my own heart strengthens when I send energy to someone else.

Tonight is a chocolate bagging night. Isaias has taken over 250 pounds of lightly-roasted and peeled cacao beans over to San Pedro for grinding, and I have rarely missed the adventure of assisting in the bagging process – of helping to put that liquid chocolate into bags before it all hardens.

But my heart tells me I will not be helping tonight – that I want to go home and integrate – to simply allow myself to rest and receive more of that divine love. For the second time ever, I pass up the opportunity to participate in chocolate bagging and instead choose to do what is best for me.

After walking home with Jen, showing her where I live, and hugging her goodnight – I climb my stone staircase, gobble down a quick meal, and curl up on my cozy daybed to take notes about an amazing and emotional day.

A Mutant Movie Marathon

Early Thursday morning, as I quietly contemplate the possibility of resuming my writing, I hear someone calling my name from below my windows. When I peek out, I see Jen calling from the sidewalk below.

What would have been a writing day turns into a beautiful morning of discussion. I giggle with delight as I slip into counselor mode, being completely present, supporting, loving, holding space, and encouraging – all while not validating ego. It is a beautiful experience. Wow! My writing does not happen, but what does happen seems far more important.

After a quick walk out to Keith’s porch for a chat, I return home and choose to indulge myself in a day of movies.

When contemplating “what to watch,” I am surprised when I feel ‘randomly’ drawn to watch the X-Men trilogy – all three of them. I could not possibly predict the emotions that are about to be triggered.

Tarot Teasers

I have not been into Tarot cards all that much since my Sun Course at Las Piramides Del Ka, but lately, I have been drawn back to them more and more. Just before beginning my mutant marathon, I feel strangely guided to first pull three Tarot Cards. Two of those cards are very positive, with one being the Ace of Wands, the highest card in the spirituality suit. But the third card I pull is the Three of Swords – one of my least favorite cards of all. It shows a large red heart with three swords stabbing it. To me, this card can have several meanings depending on the intuitive context, but right now, it screams of “broken heart” – a topic that does not now resonate with me, not at all.

Just after a dinner break, I decide to try again, this time pulling seven cards. To my shock and dismay, right in the exact middle of those seven cards, surrounded by beautiful spiritual cards, is again the Three of Swords. I have not pulled this card in a very long time, and now I pull it twice in the same day, surrounded by spirituality.

After asking for clarity on this unwanted card, I then pull one more card – the Ace of Wands for the second time today – telling me that this broken heart has a lot to do with the core of my spiritual quest. As I further ponder, it is obvious that my work this week involves feeling stabbed in the heart, having a broken heart, and having my love rejected.

Still feeling quite clueless regarding what lies ahead, I again put the cards away and push “play” on the third movie, “X-Men: The Last Stand”.

A Disgusting Mutant

I am deeply identifying with the metaphors in this movie trilogy, especially with the metaphor of magical children being born on the earth – each having special physical, energetic, and/or mental abilities that seem quite frightening and even evil to the general population. These “mutants” face extreme prejudice from family and friends, being forced to hide their gifts from the world. In fact, there are those creating extreme panic in the government about the mutants’ very existence.

I am shocked by one scene that causes me to sob.

A young adolescent boy is hiding in the bathroom, behind locked doors. In shameful desperation, the boy is frantically attempting to cut off the beautiful magical wings that have begun to grow on his back. Blood and feathers are everywhere as this panicked young man struggles to eliminate the cause of his horrible shame.

Suddenly, the father comes banging on the bathroom door, shouting out statements like “What are you doing in there?” and “Open the door this instant!” The young boy begs his father to go away, calling out that he is fine … but the father finally forces his way into the bathroom to find the shocking scene of a dejected and frightened young boy, filled with shame.

The father’s expression tells it all. He is devastated that his son is a disgusting mutant.

Behind Closed Doors

Shortly before midnight, as the closing credits fade on my computer screen, my inner energy is deeply shaking and agitated – but I am not fully sure as to why.

As I try to drift to sleep in the quiet darkness of my bedroom, I ponder the scenes of destruction and fighting … I ponder the disharmony in the world between those who are waking up to their magic and those who would judge and condemn the magical … and I remember that agonizing scene of a frightened young boy, horrified that his father discovered his evil secret.

I feel this boy’s pain. I too had many such experiences – both literal and metaphorical – where I was hiding behind closed doors, desperately attempting to conceal my true self, my shame and self-loathing at being different, absolutely knowing that if my evil nature was exposed to family and friends, that the judgment and shame would literally destroy my very soul.

Familiar Heart Races

As I lie in bed, my body and chest are shaking and extremely agitated. I fall asleep a couple of times, dreaming, but not resting. At 2:43 a.m. I awaken, having three colorful images vividly imprinted in my mind – a beautiful spotted jaguar (leopard), an angry threatening tiger, and a happy house cat.

My heart is racing so fast that it frightens me. In panic, I attempt to check my heart rate, but I am unable to even locate my pulse. My chest feels as if my heart is actually shaking rather than beating rhythmically. Finally, I locate a weak pulse that is very rapid. Without actually measuring, I estimate that my heart is thumping away around one hundred beats per minute.

I go back to sleep and soon wake up again, still in this panic. Suddenly, I remember how familiar this state feels. Many times, during those frightening teenage years, I would lie awake all night long in such heart-racing panic. I constantly lived in a state of self hatred and panic that someone would discover my evil secrets – that someone would find me locked in that bathroom trying to hide those magical wings.

A Protesting Heart

“Am I experiencing the panic of this broken heart as hinted in those Tarot cards?” I ponder.

I attempt to meditate and to connect with higher energies, but my inner energy is shaking too violently to be able to focus. My body feels like that angry tiger is shaking in my chest – a predatory tiger that is trembling after running over a hundred miles without rest. My heart is acting as if it is about to stop, to collapse, to break, and to simply give up.

Intuitions tell me I am fine, that this is merely an “energetic/ metaphorical panic attack”, that this is part of my process, and even though my body feels frightened, I remain quite peaceful. I wander out to my day bed for a change of scenery, raising my feet and head on big pillows, hoping this new position will allow for some relaxation during the remainder of the night.

Memories flash through my mind – memories of my inner work this week – memories of saying “I would rather die than accept help from Paul” – memories of later saying “I would rather die than accept help from God” (distorted God/separation drama). I remember how I cracked the door to that inner conference room on Wednesday, at last beginning to allow beautiful divine love into my heart.

“Is this my heart protesting, wanting to metaphorically die rather than to connect with these higher energies?” I ponder the crazy-making metaphors.

Heart Metaphors

At 7:25 a.m., I finally give up on the idea of further sleep, get out of bed, and actually measure my pulse. Even now, my heart continues to rapidly beat at over ninety beats per minute. All relaxation and meditation attempts are futile. I have been up repeatedly all night long, receiving almost no sleep at all.

As I attempt a semblance of meditation, I ponder the metaphors of my vivid images. Intuitions clearly whisper that the jaguar represents my genuine male energy, and that the happy cat represents my genuine female energy – both of which were simply doing the best they could. And it seems clear that the angry tiger represents the bible-banging resistance energy that would obliterate the other two with judgment and all-consuming condemnation.

This metaphor deeply resonates, especially given that the images were all cats. To me, cats represent the archetype of ignoring society’s voices and instead following your own heart, regardless of what others might say or expect.

Surrender To Love

Another image pops into my mind. In the final scenes of the movie, a powerful mutant named Jean was indeed an angry tiger, consumed in her angry power, destroying everything around her. Wolverine, representing the loving masculine energy slowly approaches her, being deeply wounded by Jean’s attack, but going forward anyway.

“You would die for them?” Jean momentarily stops her attack to confront Wolverine, referring to his self-sacrifice to save all the others.

“No, I would die for you.” Wolverine replies, showing his healed and pure unconditional love – a love with no conditions or attachments.

Only because of Wolverine’s unconditional love does Jean stop her destruction and surrender to her own fate.

“I really do feel like, when I open my heart to allow in outside energies, that I am surrendering to that angry tiger.” I ponder deeply. “Opening my heart feels like I am forfeiting my very existence – and in many ways I am.”

Powerful Preparations

“These energies in my abdomen are mutant children.” I ponder as I stroll out to Keith’s porch, a full thirty minutes early. “They are my teachers. I need to love and accept them for who they are, rather than trying to cure them.”

“I know I am really early,” I apologize to Keith when I arrive, “but my energy is so agitated that I cannot function at home right now. I need distraction and support. Do you mind if I hang out here before the ceremony?”

As I assist Keith in pre-ceremony setup, my energies stabilize considerably.

“You are in a very good place right now.” Keith reassures me after I have brought him up to date with my journey.

There is no doubt whatsoever that whatever last night was for, that it has prepared me in some powerful way for what I am about to do on the porch today.

A Hopeless Dilemma

As the “Friday the Thirteenth” glow meditation gets underway, I continue to feel deeply distracted, trying to bring in light and higher energies while steeped in agitation. Finally, giving up, I delve deeply into my own inner journey.

I am suddenly taken back into that profound scene in the movie last night when the young boy with angel wings was sobbing in a locked bathroom, desperately trying to cut off his wings while his father is out in the hall banging on the door.

I begin to sob profusely as I relate emotionally to the anguish of trying to hide my own gender struggles from my parents – feeling horribly ashamed of ‘who I was’ – drowning in self-hatred – knowing that my parents could never support me, that they could never know about the real me. I abhorred myself and empathically felt the energy of their intense judgment of my confusing and hopeless dilemma.

“How are you doing?” Keith briefly interrupts the glow meditation to check in with my deeply emotional process.

An Ugly Mutant

After a short conversation in which Keith encourages me to go deeper, the glow meditation continues and I resume a nightmarish journey into agonizing teenage emotions.

I feel the horrible anguish of my teenage-self hiding in shame and self-disgust. I feel the unexpressed anguish of my parents, wanting to help me, but being locked out of my life. They have seen several clues regarding my struggles – a few metaphorical angel feathers and drops of blood that were not concealed well enough in that locked bathroom – but I have huge walls around me, and keep my heart-doors tightly locked.

And I deeply feel the horrible anguish of that bible-banging preacher energy – an energy that desperately slams me with the self-judgment of being an ugly mutant.

This emotional pain is excruciating. Each time I go into it I begin to sob intensely. And I go into it repeatedly as Keith slowly works his way around the porch.

Denied Negativity

Eventually Keith begins to work with a man I will call Tom. Tom is a first-timer on the porch, one who has been trained that spirituality means denying all negativity, pushing all unhealed emotions down into the cellar, and covering them with layers of whitewash to hide them. I perceive that Tom believes that exploring emotions and dense energies via inner work is bad – that any expression of dense energy is a sign of victimization and weakness. I do not judge Tom for these beliefs. He has come about them quite sincerely – and many spiritual paths actually teach that the path to enlightenment involves mentally denying all negativity, mentally manipulating it right out of visible existence (which only hides it).

I had been a little shocked by Tom’s comments before group started, when I mentioned that I was struggling, and would probably be doing some deep inner child work today. He had responded by belittling me, implying that such inner work was weak and silly – actually putting himself above me – in a way quite common of people that are afraid to explore their inner densities.

“We simply need to see our parents through the eyes of when they themselves were young, as struggling adults who did not know how to live their own lives. Then we can forgive them and let go of the negative stuff.” Tom had shared with me, implying that it is all so blatantly easy.

Nightmare Reflections

As Keith works with Tom, I perceive Tom’s responses as reflecting profound spiritual ego and complete denial that anything negative exists inside of him. Keith makes a few genuine and gentle attempts to give Tom hints about his spiritual stuck-ness – but Tom simply plays with Keith, humorously jabbing back with stabs of sarcastic denial.

Keith handles it beautifully, lovingly allowing Tom to live in his own stuck thoughts, quickly moving on to work with someone who would actually like some assistance.

Meanwhile, as I observe, I find myself being deeply triggered by what I perceive as extremely distorted masculine energy. The whole process of watching Tom’s behavior causes me to experience nausea. Part of that nausea is the nightmarish fear of having just left one nightmare, and realizing that I am on the edge of jumping right into the middle of another. Part of that nausea is the realization that Tom is playing a profound script for me. Realizing that I own the opposite end of this script, I begin to question myself deeply.

“No … not again … I cannot do this.” I simultaneously and silently protest.

Both R Us

“Why is this triggering me so?” I panic.

I quickly attempt to use mind techniques to vanish the emotion – the same type of technique that I imagine Tom might do – but the emotions only get stronger. I clearly recognize that I am projecting and that my emotional reactions are not about Tom.

“Is Tom’s triggering behavior so painful because it is what others did to me,” I question myself, “or is it reminding me of what I did to others?”

“Both,” I reluctantly admit to myself after a few minutes of pondering.

On the one hand, I was raised in an airtight box of spiritual ego and denial, being taught that my religion was the one and only path to the highest kingdom of heaven. I was taught that expression of what were deemed as “negative emotions” was absolutely forbidden – that such negative emotions were sinful. I was taught to disguise my life with a layer of happy white paint, suppressing and pretending that my dark shadows did not exist. Yes, throughout my life, I was squashed into a carefully crafted airtight box by people quite similar to Tom. This spiritual judgment and ego, along with the whitewashing of emotion, was the source of my childhood and teenage dysfunction … big time.

On the other hand, I became Tom, I was Tom – partially on the outside, and absolutely on the inside. I became that spiritual ego – that judgmental enforcer. I manipulated both myself and others into suppressing their negativity and further entrenching themselves into whitewashed denial. I hate to say it but I, as that bible-banging preacher energy, was the one that forced my genuine masculine and feminine energies to remain sequestered in dark cages stashed away in my solar plexus.

Focused Anger

“Do I need to go into these emotions of projection?” I genuinely question myself. “Or can I simply see Tom as being Kermit, and then ignore the projections?”

“By simply letting the projection go, I am being just like Tom, simply pushing the feelings down.” I ponder.

I realize that the only way to proceed here is to explore the emotions – but to explore them on the inside, completely detached from Tom.

In the case of Paul, I had already dealt with my emotions at the time that I was visualizing him as Kermit – such that seeing Paul as Kermit was simply my way of no longer buying into old patterns. But with Tom, I have not yet dealt with these emotions on the inside, so simply ignoring them is not the answer.

Soon, in “create-my-own-reality” shock, Tom lies down on the porch, sticking his ugly bare feet into my personal space, completely blocking my legroom. I am suddenly experiencing so much disgust at what his energy represents that I want to scream. But rather than expressing that anger outwardly, I focus that intense anger at my own inner “airtight box” – my own box of locked-away denial that was built and maintained by similar types of distorted masculine suppression energy.

Pay Dirt

“I have hit pay dirt.” I congratulate myself for detaching from external reality and instead using the trigger to go inside.

Soon, I pull a scarf over my head and proceed to go deeper. I use the scarf to block all sight of Tom, because right now his very existence triggers me.

Keeping my voice as muffled as possible, I sob underneath my scarf. The emotional pain of self-recognition is intense. I am shocked at the clarity I find – at how I have been both sides of this “Gestapo” energy – a massively distorted masculine energy that would manipulate and control others (inside and out).

Repeat Performance

Just before Keith finally returns to work with me, Tom gets up and leaves the porch. I am so relieved, because I know that I could never continue processing this issue with him being present.

As soon as I fill Keith in on what I am doing, he cuts me off …

“This is your own teenage airtight box.” Keith guides me. “It is a reflection of your God/Deity drama that you are playing out yet again, this time by projecting onto Tom.”

“Yeah, I hear you,” I respond in agreement, “That is exactly what I am trying to tell you. I Know I am projecting. I have completely detached from Tom and I am looking on the inside for the healing.”

Surrender, Allow, And Observe

“Start allowing the energy blockage of this airtight box to be released to them.” Keith soon guides me after assembling four or five empaths to sit in front of me.

I flounder in self-doubt as I ‘try’ to find and release the energetic remnants of this box. I discuss these ego doubts several times with Keith before I am able to confidently reassure myself that rational mind cannot tell me how to do this.

Finally, I simply go into meditation, bring love into my heart, express my intent, and visualize myself stepping back into the role of loving, relaxed, observer – simply surrendering.

“There, now you are allowing more of that energy to flow out of you.” Keith gives me much needed feedback.

I would love additional feedback, but am grateful for what I get. I simply observe my inner energies and sensations, not trying to direct anything. As I do this, I note that the sharp pain returns at that “nail-in-my-heart” spot, as do mild pains down the center of my sternum all the way to my groin.

An Energy Blockage

The energy flow is so slow that I feel almost nothing, but Keith reassures me that a tiny trickle is moving, at my own pace. He tells me that the pains I am observing are my resistance as the energy is barely squeaking by.

“This is a trust building process.” Keith reassures me.

As doubts swim into my mind, and there are many, I simply thank them and ask them to swim on.

Suddenly, I sense the presence of a slight protrusion of energy that has left my heart center. Keith congratulates me, and then instructs me to put my hand out, grab the released energy, and to put it back inside me.

As I do this, I suddenly loose all sensitivity and go back into doubt. When I share my frustration with Keith – he tells me that the energy that I partially released (allowing me to feel) and then put back (preventing me from feeling) is part of the energy blockage that restricts my sensitivity.

“Now, let it go again.” Keith guides me.

Gradually, I feel increasing energy sensitivity (ever so small) and return to a peaceful place of meditative focus – but that energy blockage mostly remains stuck in place.

A Never-Ending Yarn

After about thirty minutes of inner work that was focused entirely on me, Keith performs a quick empath training, and then does a meditation that I have only seen him do once before. He calls it a “God Socket” meditation – explaining that each of us, somewhere in our abdominal region, has an energetic place where we connect to God, Goddess, All That Is, or whatever else you might want to call it.

In a long beautiful meditation, Keith guides everyone to meditatively locate such a place, and to begin cleaning it out – removing whatever is clogging our connection.

As I begin metaphorically pulling things out of my God Socket, I am stressed to feel a confusing metaphor. I feel as if I am pulling on an old piece of yarn. I pull, and pull, and pull, and pull. More and more yarn keeps coming out, but there is never an end. It seems like no matter how much yarn I pull out of this place, I never reach the bottom, I will never be done.

“Help, Keith, I’m lost.” I beg for guidance as I explain my metaphor.

“It is a metaphor of your mind.” Keith responds. “It is showing you the “work, work, work” mentality of always doing and never getting there, of endless distraction and inner work, yet never arriving.”

Succeeding At Failure

I redouble my efforts, this time getting out of my head and focusing on stepping out of my mind.

“My mind cannot tell me how to step out of my mind.” I again ponder the paradox.

Soon, I simply express my intention to the Universe and imagine that I am indeed pulling the final strand of yarn out of that now-empty place. I literally have to “fake it till I make it.”

For me, this meditation has been a powerful eye-opener, showing me that my mind is creating one more emotional density after another, always having another issue to work through before I arrive at the next level. I am tired of this “succeeding at failure” loop. It really is time to surrender my old way and to allow the Higher Energies to help me.

When Keith asks us to now fill up this cleaned-out place with what really belongs there, I begin to experience sharp pains in my lower-second chakra – showing me that more issues remain. If only I can allow more of that divine love to assist me.

Stuck In Seriousness

At the end of the ceremony, Paul asks Keith if he will show a short video to those still on the porch. I have seen it a few times and have no desire to watch it again. It is a video about being a joyful free spirit. But right now, a very strong part of me refuses to allow me to access that joy – and as a result, the video triggers me deeply. (If you wish to watch the video for yourself, it can be found at: www.wayseermanifesto.com.)

While Keith is setting it up, I am almost in tears as I step into his kitchen to tell him I am leaving to go home now.

“Brenda,” Keith lovingly responds. “Why don’t you stay and face your resistance and see what magical results come up.

As I mostly sob my way through the ten-minute movie, I realize that my emotional triggers come from the space of feeling like a loser, being deeply stuck in seriousness, lost in endless inner work, and unable to reach that space of playful joy.

When the video is over, everyone scatters, and Keith returns to his kitchen for evening chores. Finally, after about twenty minutes of silently meditating, I call out to Keith.

“So,” I beg for guidance, “did you have something in mind for me to process with this? I am so stuck in seriousness … so beating myself up …”

Keith soon returns to the porch where we spend most of the next hour talking.

Learning Compassion

After discussing my initial feelings, Keith reinforces me on the powerful work that I am doing, pointing out the deep core issues that I am working on with courage and determination, reassuring me that while I am repeatedly going into ego-resistance loops, that I have made tremendous progress in relaxing my resistance to Higher Energies over the last month.

“It has all been perfect in teaching you compassion as a healer.” Keith reassures me. “It is a process that you set up for yourself, to force you to continue flogging yourself until you find enough self-love to break out of the loop – so that you will be able to have compassion for others and have that inner license.”

We talk about such stuff for a very long time. I love how Keith coaches me about my self-flogging tendencies without making me wrong for doing it. In fact, he makes it right, explaining that it is a profound part of my process … until I no longer do it. Keith reassures me that a large part of letting go of ego comes in the recognition of the decision points, at which time we decide if we will listen to ego’s lies or if we will make a different choice. Eventually, we will simply forget to take the bait.

A Beautiful Flow

Keith reassures me that it was my own creation to limit my energetic abilities and sensitivities so that I will fill myself with jealousy and doubt at the magical younger generation who repeatedly show up on the porch with so much beautiful energetic sensitivity.

“Brenda,” Keith points out something I have not thought about. “Not one of them has yet gone into a single core issue.”

Wow, this puts it all into perspective again. Yes, I am shut down to the energies while many of these beautiful young people are not … but I am doing deep and profound inner work. I actually feel grateful for my path. In the process of struggling, I am learning compassion and humility that I could never have learned if my energetic gifts had awakened so easily.

“You designed it this way.” Keith reiterates. “You wanted to remain stuck until you get the learning and compassion that you need. There is nothing wrong here … it is unfolding as you designed it … you are not a loser.”

“Any other teacher would have given up on me long ago.” I confess to Keith. “I love how you have done your own inner work so that you, yourself, have the compassion and patience to work with someone as dense and ‘stuck in my head’ as me … you understand my struggle more than anyone else possibly could … you have been there in your own way.”

“Brenda, you know you are immersed in a beautiful flow.” Keith repeatedly reminds me. “You know that on a daily basis you see how you manifest and create exactly what you need in a profound, methodical, divinely planned journey of step-by-step undoing and healing. Just continue to trust that flow.”

A Marvelous Magical Mutant Adventure

Even as I review just the previous twenty-four hours, I am blown away by the amazing synchronicities of the divine flow that guides me. Simple things such as pulling the “Three of Swords” twice – and of being guided to watch the X-Men trilogy – and vivid images in a dream – all guided me into broken-hearted metaphors that allowed me to deeply and profoundly process the unhealed energy of three self-hating teenage aspects of myself.

But the flow is obvious almost every day. It was equally as obvious on Wednesday as I witnessed the beautiful shifts in my friend Paul – and as I actually allowed Paul and others to assist me in a process that profoundly weakened the walls around my heart – that helped me open the door to allow in more beautiful divine love that will forever change me.

Yes, many of my magical gifts continue to elude me, while energetic blockages continue to clog several of my chakras … but WOW … when I compare myself to where I was a year ago – even a few months ago – I am blown away. Energies flow through me in ways I never imagined possible. I have an unbending trust in the inner flow that guides me – I find almost daily evidence to strengthen my beliefs in creating my own reality – and the level of compassion I am developing for myself and others is blossoming every day.

As I drift off to sleep, I experience more pleasurable and magical energy bursts in my spine and hands than ever before.

I love my marvelous magical mutant adventure.

Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Note: this is the final part of a three-part story. If you have not yet read “Parts 1 and 2,” you may want to read them first …

Monday morning, as I wake up at 4:30 a.m., the ego chatter that consumes my head is beyond belief. Yesterday, in a wacky ceremony, I had lovingly embraced a “create my own reality” stage play in which bizarre occurrences left me feeling peaceful, loving, and even giggling.

But now, ego feels shortchanged, ignored, and is out to seek vengeance. As the mental chatter grows louder, I finally send an email to Keith, begging for a private appointment to help me again find clarity and centering. As I attempt to express my difficult emotional journey in words, tears stream down my cheeks.

“I am trying so hard to detach from the Paul issue, but I am feeling shell shocked and traumatized …” I tell Keith in my email. “ … I am still shaking from his yelling and sabotage attempts during my second process … Right now I absolutely do not feel safe doing any processing around him.”

I feel deeply violated by Paul’s defiant behavior. Last night I felt peaceful, believing that Paul could project all over me, and that I would be fine with it … but now I do not feel safe, neither emotionally nor physically.

Perception Versus Judgment

As I again attempt to center myself in meditation, I am flooded with new insights surrounding the concept of judgment.

“I think I have ‘perception’ linked as being equivalent to ‘judgment’.” I suddenly ponder. “And I have always believed that judgment of others is horrible and evil.”

“Since I have such powerful perceptive abilities,” the light bulbs begin to flash, “I have repeatedly flogged myself throughout my life, mistakenly believing myself to be deeply judgmental, simply for perceptively noticing someone’s dense energy or dark-shadow issues. I did not believe in my energy perceptions – absolutely knowing that they could not possibly be real – so I hated myself even more for experiencing them.”

“I flogged myself the most when I perceived such dense/dark-shadow energies in someone who proclaimed to be representing God.” I further ponder.

Throughout my life, I have been unable to separate the concepts of perception from judgment – frequently flogging and hating myself for being a judgmental jerk. As a result of this confusion, I have suppressed, beaten, abused, and locked-away my abilities to perceive energy – doing so in a loving, well-intentioned, and very confusing struggle to become less judgmental of others.

Perceptive Ponderings

“Is it even possible to perceive someone’s energy – seeing their inner energetic issues – without associating that perception as judgment toward them?” I ponder with deep curiosity. “If I could perceive someone’s issues without wrapping myself up in self-judgment, then that would be a powerful and positive tool as a healer and counselor.”

“I wonder if perhaps I tried to express my energetic perceptions to my parents when I was very young and innocent.” I go deeper into childhood origins. “Surely, if I had done so, I would have been deeply invalidated and told that I could not possibly know what I was talking about. I would have been made to feel extremely guilty for what they would have perceived as my unfounded judgments.”

“No wonder I shut down my energetic perceptive abilities as a young child.” The light bulbs flash even brighter.

As I continue pondering, I begin to realize that as I energetically perceive issues going on with Paul – that I immediately begin to judge myself for experiencing those perceptions – judging myself for being judgmental toward Paul (when in reality I am initially only perceiving). This turns into confusion, self-flogging, self-hatred etc., – and quickly takes me back into old behavioral loops and patterns of social dysfunction that once dominated my life. These old loops always resulted in nightmarish feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, and victimization.

“This whole experience with Paul is triggering my lifelong struggle with feeling maligned and wrongly accused – and of being powerless to do anything about it.” I ponder with clarity.

A Political Coup

Soon, my new insights give way to additional ego chatter – ego chatter related to my perceptions of Paul’s ongoing behavior. Ego is beginning to have a field day.

I will not go into specific details in my writing. Suffice it say that the ego in me has assembled ample evidence over the last month or two to perceptively validate a new theory – a theory stating that Paul is subtly trying to take over Keith’s porch – a sort of political coup. This part of me believes that the reason Paul is fighting with me so much is because I am the only one resisting his attempts – the only thing that stands in his way – and I am his enemy number one.

Meanwhile, Keith is guided to know that everything is as it should be, that Paul is perfectly serving me in my growth, playing a script for me – so Keith simply smiles and allows the drama to unfold, mostly unfettered.

But because of Keith’s seeming complacency, the ego in me sees Keith as being an unknowing victim – the entire ceremonial porch is a victim – and I feel a desperate need to do something, to bring attention to this injustice.

A Frantic Metaphor

A new metaphor powerfully consumes my mind – one from “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King”.

I suddenly see Keith as Frodo, the ring bearer, the amazing leader of the porch. I see myself as Sam, faithfully serving Frodo, doing all I can to support Keith on the porch while consistently doing my own deep inner work. And I see Paul as Gollum – someone who wants the ring for himself, doing everything he can to make me (Sam) look bad, to turn Frodo against me. To my shock, the metaphor powerfully resonates with me. I even see Keith’s permissive behavior with Paul as being what Frodo did with Gollum, seeing Gollum’s potential while ignoring his evil intentions.

As I contemplate a scene in which Gollum has deceived Frodo – a scene in which Frodo actually asks Sam to leave and go home – I cringe with emotion.

“I must share my insights with Keith.” I think to myself. “I really resonate as being ‘Sam’ and I feel Gollum’s evil intentions trying to push me out of the picture.”

My ego journey is no longer one to save myself – it is instead a journey to save Keith and the porch from the evils of Gollum.

Unheard, Invalidated, And Dejected

By 9:00 a.m., when Keith has still not answered my email, I stroll out to his porch, hoping to schedule something in person – knowing that Keith does not always have time to check his email in the mornings. After scheduling an appointment for 3:00 p.m., Keith has just a few minutes to chat.

Still stuck in the ego chatter, I quickly share my crazy mental/projection struggles with Keith. When I describe my “The Lord of the Rings” metaphors, Keith listens politely to my perceptions, and then immediately reminds me that I am projecting, that Paul is playing a powerful role for me.

“Brenda,” Keith reminds me firmly. “It is not about Paul; it is not about what it is about; and nothing changes until you do.”

As I walk home, feeling somewhat unheard, invalidated, and dejected … I cannot possibly see how I will survive until 3:00 p.m.

An Energetic Tug-Of-War

Remembering Nancy’s advice from Saturday, I avoid mental distractions, and instead plunge further into the crazy swimming pool of mental chatter. First, I identify many familiar patterns from my teen years – patterns in which I had felt devastated and victimized by the behavior of the popular kids in High School.

Then I remember a metaphor Keith has often shared in group. He will ask someone to extend his or her hand. Then Keith will grab their hand, pushing and pulling it forward and backwards, demonstrating a silly energetic battle of wills.

“Just by engaging in my game,” Keith eventually shares, “you are giving me your energy. Whether you appear to win or not, you are playing my game, and I am draining your energy.”

“Yesterday, I disengaged from Paul.” I ponder this metaphor. I stopped playing his energetic game of attack and defense and instead, I simply began to do my own work. As a result, he energetically freaked out, because his battle-partner had disengaged – withdrawing and rejecting him. His increased sabotaging was an attempt to reengage me – going to behavioral extremes to suck me back into the battle – but I ignored his attempts and remained disengaged.”

“But now, late last night, and especially this morning,” I ponder with frank honesty, “I am reengaging in the script, giving Paul power to do it all over again. I am reentering an energetic tug-of-war that no one will win.”

Goal Identification

“Just what am I hoping to achieve by reengaging Paul in this battle?” I ponder.

“I am trying to protect the porch from disruption, disrespect, and rebellion at authority.” I respond to myself. “I am trying to keep Paul in a box, trying to put him back where I believe that he belongs, insisting that he follow the rules as I interpret them.”

As I honestly look at my response, I do not necessarily agree with Paul’s methods – methods that likely stem from his own inner wounds – but I deeply identify with his ultimate goals.

I have spent my entire life being lovingly squished into a behavioral box, being coerced into being humble and reverent, being forced to respect and honor authority even when my soul begs me to do otherwise – begging me to break out and stand up to those who would continue to imprison me.

I am tired of living in that tight and restrictive box of conformity – yet I am angrily projecting onto someone who is desperately trying to claw his way out of his own box of societal rules and restrictions.

The Oppressor Is Me

“Paul really does see me as his oppressor,” I ponder with new clarity. “Perhaps he is projecting some adult figure from his own life onto me – perhaps someone who dominated him, or stood between him and his freedom to be his true self.”

“If I completely disengage from all attachments and projections,” I ponder with curiosity, “will that really free Paul to focus his energy on something more productive?”

Part of me is excited to find out, and part of me remains doubtful – but I clearly understand that my only job here is to heal my own issues, to BE unconditional love, and to allow Paul’s path to be his own path.

“Nothing changes until I do.” I remind myself.

A Frightening Concept

In the midst of my ongoing up and down battle with ego chatter, I exchange a couple of beautiful emails with my “inner license” friend Nancy. Along with calming meditations, her words help me begin to let go … to return to the love in my heart.

Shortly after 12:30 p.m., as I am deep in meditation about surrendering to my heart – about allowing myself to be defenseless and truly vulnerable (a frightening process) – a small earthquake suddenly shakes my apartment for perhaps ten seconds. I giggle with delight, because I now look forward to these small tremors. They metaphorically remind me that I need to release my attachment to the world as I know it … to allow things to be shaken up a little bit.

“The whole porch is my process, my earth-shattering stage play.” I repeatedly remind myself. “Right now, it is a powerful and scary stage play that reminds me of horrifying social nightmares from my past.”

But the concept of simply surrendering to such a nightmare story – to not fight back – to not try to protect myself … well … to ego that concept is frightening.

A Fantastic Inner Movie

“I see only the past.” I begin to ponder thoughts from some of my favorite A Course In Miracles lessons. “My thoughts do not mean anything. When I experience this nightmare story, this is a past experience that I am projecting onto the present. This experience and my thoughts about it are all a fearful fabrication of ego.”

“I am not in that nightmare past,” I ponder to myself, “I am in the present, and the future is just a projected fear. There is only now … I see only the past … there is only now … I see only the past … there is only now … I see only the past …”

I clearly recognize that the mind chatter and the nightmare story are all a fantastic inner movie, a fake news story created by ego, projected into my living space for my horrifying entertainment – extremist separation propaganda to take me out of the present moment.

“There is only now.” I continue pondering. “This reality is a holodeck … a projection of my mind. The holodeck – the movie screen – is simply showing me a reflection of the film inside of my projector. I’m trying to fix the movie screen from a perspective of being inside of the movie, and that does not work.”

“The projector is in another dimension,” powerful new ideas then suddenly flood my mind from out of nowhere. “The projector is outside of time, outside of the illusion. The left-brain/ rational-mind is part of the illusion … it cannot wake me up … it is part of the movie screen.”

A River Of Density

Wow! A beautiful feeling of peace and divine connection gradually consumes me as I continue to repeat these meditative thoughts – as I sink further into my heart space.

I radiate peaceful joy, as rational mind seems to stop fighting me. I lie down on my daybed and begin to feel a huge flow of energy moving in my body. My forehead is tingling as delightful energy swirls through me, passing down my arms and legs, out my hands and feet.

Eventually, while in a beautiful peaceful space, I open my heart and ponder repeatedly, “Paul, my loving heart energy is open to you, you can have it.” I am suddenly quite frightened when I feel as if a river of energy is being powerfully sucked out of me, like an energetic vacuum cleaner pulling my hands and feet downward, as if I am literally being pulled through some type of energy portal.

Immediately, I stop the flow, panicked and wondering if I did something wrong – if perhaps I had given away my own life force to someone else. It is only later that Keith shares his guidance, telling me that what was leaving me was a river of emotional density, being sucked out of my hands and feet on its way to Mother Earth.

A New Dimension Of Magic

When I finally leave my apartment at 2:45 p.m., I feel as if I am floating in divine clouds. I dance along very slowly, feeling blissful, as if everything around me is new, exciting, colorful, vibrant, and exceedingly beautiful. I make eye contact with everyone that crosses into my path, saying “hi” or “hola” to each divine soul that I encounter. I feel their “God-ness,” and gleam joy from my soul into theirs.

I feel as if I am in a new dimension of magic. Several times, I burst into joyful tears, for no reason other than that I want to. As I stroll by one house that is playing loud music, I begin to dance and giggle.

I am in no hurry to arrive at Keith’s porch. I take my time, sending beautiful magical energy to every animal, vegetable, and mineral that crosses my path.

On A Mountain Top

When I arrive at Keith’s home, he is going overtime with a previous session, and asks me to return in a half hour. Delighted, I walk out to the street, find a shady spot, and sit with a gorgeous view of Lake Atitlan and three towering volcanoes. Soon, Keith’s young worker, Isaias, notices me and walks over to talk.

“Wow, you have beautiful energy today.” Isaias congratulates me. “I can feel it so strongly.”

I respond with a huge hug, joyful tears, and several giggles.

“In Mayan,” Isaias begins to share, “we would say that the state you are in is like you have been climbing a tall mountain, and now you are finally on top … that you are on top of a mountain.”

For more than forty-five minutes, Isaias and I share this beautiful energy glow together. Many times, he comments on my beautiful energy. Many times, I allow joyful tears to trickle out of the corners of my eyes.

The Highest Good

Finally, at 3:50 p.m., I return to Keith’s porch. His session is still continuing, but he invites me to join in. I am glowing, and both Keith and my friend (the woman in the private session) can feel my radiant energy.

Finally, at 5:00 p.m., the other woman goes home, and I have a short forty-five minutes check-in conversation with Keith. I am in no need of his assistance to help me – I continue to spread my wings and fly in the energetic skies above.

Keith deeply congratulates me for my powerful loving state – something that is quite the opposite of how I was this morning. We simply chat about ongoing situations on the porch, discussing my perceptions and process from an observer viewpoint.

“How do you know when to intervene with someone’s behavior – like you finally did last night with Paul?” I ask with deep curiosity, even though I already know the answer.

“It is on a case by case basis.” Keith gives me his standard answer. “There are no rules. I always check my guidance to find out what serves the highest good.”

Sticky Velcro

“I have let go of my half of the Velcro.” Keith uses a metaphor to further answer.

He explains that he has done his own inner work so that he is very rarely triggered by other people’s behaviors – by their side of the Velcro. Since Keith does not have his own half of the emotional Velcro anymore, things no longer stick to him, not triggering anger or other emotions.

Keith finishes by explaining that when he observes something that unacceptably interferes with the process of another, and if his guidance tells him to do so, he will then intervene (as he did last night) – but he does so from a state of non-ego and non-attachment, rather than one of being emotionally triggered.

Go With The Flow

As I return home, I opt to go out for pizza rather than cooking – and then spend the remainder of the evening in total bliss. Normally I stay inside when I meditate at night, but tonight I go out on my patio, inhaling the magical night air, drinking in every sound that echoes around me. I wish this energy could last forever.

After a very restful sleep, I suddenly awaken at 1:30 a.m. on Tuesday morning. I am coughing with fluid in my lungs again – but I continue to be in my blissful state. Rather than feeling frustrated or tired, I simply get up, browse the internet, do some meditating, and return to bed an hour later.

“Wow, that is huge,” I congratulate myself later. “Rather than get upset at waking up and coughing, I simply flowed with ‘what is’ and returned to peaceful sleep when I was ready.”

Time For A Swim

“I don’t want to write today.” I decide to mix things up as I meditate around 8:00 a.m.. “I want to indulge this joy a little more. I think I’ll walk down and meditate by the lake for the first time in ages – at least in more than eight months.”

“Go swimming.” A little Jedi voice suddenly whispers.

“No,” I don’t want to.” I try to resist.

The last time I swam in Lake Atitlan was in May of 2010 – shortly before Tropical Storm Agatha. After that massive storm, the lake had been filthy with debris. Now that the lake is clean and clear, I have simply never had the desire to get cold, or to get my hair wet.

Finally, after a quick breakfast, I surrender to guidance, put on a swimsuit and a little beach dress, and walk down to the lake to a small gazebo-like covered space with three benches, situated now just a few feet above lake level. The last time I was here (last spring) the water was at least ten or fifteen feet below this structure.

Swimming In Silence

As I wade down into the water, standing barefoot on several large boulders, I begin to shiver.

“Brrr,” I think to myself, “I don’t think I want to go in after all. It is too cold.”

Finally, I splash water all over myself, and eventually push out, getting my entire face and hair in the water. I swim for what must be at least twenty or thirty minutes, thoroughly enjoying myself, floating and swishing in the cool waters, enjoying the silence, basking in the views, and treasuring my present life circumstances.

When I eventually return to shore, I am quite tired as I sit cross-legged on a bench. But as I attempt to sink into blissful meditation – that bliss is fleeting and distracted.

Soon, a young couple stops at my little private hideaway. The young man strips down to his swimsuit and swims noisily out into the water, while the young woman sits on a bench just five feet away.

“How dare they invade my personal space,” I begin to pout and sulk as I sink into an old pattern of being quite protective of my private meditation environment.

A Novel Idea

I spend perhaps ten or fifteen minutes, silently staring at the ground while mental chatter begins to consume me – renewed chatter about Paul – new chatter about people who invade my personal space.

“I’m in ego.” I suddenly exclaim silently. “There is an emotional charge in my heart and I’m stuck in crazy making stories. It is so obvious.”

“This is my stage play … I see only the past … this is a holodeck and I am the leading actress … everyone in my holodeck is playing a role for me to show me something about my triggers – my buttons.”

I center myself deeply, but still no bliss. I ask the higher energies to help me release the density, but it hangs on. No matter how much I ignore this couple’s presence, no matter how much I try to focus on my meditation, nothing works.

“I can choose to continue ignoring this couple while building up resentment about them,” I suddenly ponder with surprise, “or I can open my eyes, release my defensiveness, glow with love, and actually talk to them … what a novel idea.”

Return To Bliss

“Aren’t you going swimming too?” I ask the young woman with a loving giggle in my voice.

“No,” she responds with a loving tone.

Soon, I discover they are from Costa Rica, just visiting for the day, and planning to climb the San Pedro volcano tomorrow. We have a delightful conversation for perhaps ten minutes. We are glowing in shared love. I cannot speak for the young woman, but bliss has once again consumed me.

It feels so wonderful to drop my defensive, protective stance and to open to the love that just drifted into my life.

As I walk home ten minutes later, I feel guided to stop in and visit a friend that I have not seen in a very long time – a woman that runs a small restaurant that is way off my normal beaten path.

“You’re glowing.” My friend tells me.

By the time I finally get home, I have smiled at and greeted everyone in my path, continuing to glow in this bliss.

I’m Getting It

For the remainder of the day, I simply glow – whether I am showering, eating, meditating, or even taking my first-ever hike to the heights of “Barrio Uno,” way up on the hillside above Keith’s house – it does not matter, I simply glow.

I am learning that even my tiny little “social defensiveness” – a simple hesitance to reach out – can prevent me from connecting with the loving glow of the present moment. Anything that enters my space is either my creation, or I am allowing it. Anything that gives me any type of emotional charge is “my” trigger – my beautiful opportunity to drop my defensive stance and to instead, radiate love.

“Wow, I am starting to get it.” I ponder later Tuesday night as I rest on my pillow.

As I drift off to sleep, I have no illusions about having arrived. I am fully aware that with every emotional state, whether it be high or low, that “this too shall pass.”

Synchronous Reading

As I mentioned earlier, Keith highly recommends a book titled “Oneness” – a beautiful spiritual energy-packed book of wisdom channeled by a woman named “Rasha”.

Keith often says that the only thing missing in the book (a beautiful guide to help one maneuver through the energy shifts happening on the planet), is that the book does not go into the process of how to release emotional densities using the assistance of higher energies.

As fate would have it, I stopped reading this book nearly two months ago, finding the current chapter quite difficult to grasp. My mind simply said “Stop, put it down, come back later when your mind is clearer.”

Just two days ago, On Sunday, February 12 – the morning after publishing “My Worst Nightmare, Part 1” I felt suddenly guided to resume reading. I pick up reading at my bookmark – page 71 – the first page of chapter eight. I am blown away by the synchronous nature of what I read.

Do Not Be Alarmed

The first thing I circle is one of the chapter subtitles: “Anticipating extremes of experience as life-themes are brought to closure.”

From the very beginning of chapter eight, the words speak to me with profound resonance:

“When a soul emerges into conscious awareness, the layers of experience, which have been carried forth through eons of incarnate reality, begin to dissipate the energetic charge that would have magnetized repeated examples of major life themes, were completion not imminent.”

Wow, this describes my past weekend – a nightmare of major life themes being magnetized back into my energetic experience. I eagerly read on …

“As one approaches the fullness of the scope inherent in a given theme, the charge carried forth builds to a crescendo, providing particularly poignant episodes that epitomize the lesson in question, lest there be any doubt whatsoever regarding the underlying issues.”

I giggle as I read this, knowing that I no longer have any doubt whatsoever that my charge-filled crescendo gave me very poignant episodes of painful nightmarish issues from my past.

“Do not be alarmed, as you become aware and the issues become obvious to you, when you find yourself immersed in extremes of discordant situations. It is you who called forth these dramas. Not consciously, of course, for you in your own eyes would probably be above such encounters entirely. But at a vibrational level, the powerful energetic charge still present within your energy field is capable of manifesting opportunities to explore those themes, despite the fact that you may have attained clarity and full understanding of the dynamics involved.”

I giggle at how alarmed I have been. I have been fully immersed in extreme discordant situations – and I did indeed, at a vibrational level, call forth those dramas. WOW!

My Own Worst Nightmares

I could literally quote the entire first two pages of this chapter. This next piece is from page 72.

“Do not feel, as these powerful episodes present themselves, that the experience is evidence of spiritual backsliding on your part. Quite the contrary. By virtue of the fact that you have manifested extremes of experience, despite being in a space of heart-centered clarity with the issue in question, you can feel confident that you are at completion with it.”

Wow, I sure hope so.

“You will wish to respond in ways that will not re-escalate the energy charge that is being released in the process of drawing certain chapters to a close. Real awareness of the arduous process through which you have journeyed will allow you to respond with detachment and maximize your potential for bringing recurring dramas to closure.”

I wish I had understood this five weeks ago. It seems that I have indeed re-escalated things a few times, recreating additional drama. More of that will follow in subsequent blogs.

“With the advent of the acceleration of your ability to manifest your day-to-day experience, there is no longer the luxury of deluding yourself into believing that circumstances ‘just happen’ randomly. There are no longer excuses for ignoring coincidences that victim-consciousness provide. It becomes obvious, when the backlash is virtually instantaneous, that you have participated in a major way in the very creation of your own worst nightmares.”

Wow, I love this book. I love how I was guided to read these words right after publishing my first installment of this series about “My Worst nightmare.”

A Different Kind Of Adventure

I could literally go on quoting for many more pages … this section of “Oneness” is so rich with wisdom in this area.

I want to finish by quoting the final paragraph from page 72:

“From the perspective of the overview, one can enjoy the humor in the absurdity of some of it. And one can marvel at the antics and at one’s own blindness to what now seems obvious and avoidable. When those types of circumstances can no longer ‘push your buttons,’ your own sidestepping of the energetic hooks helps to create conditions where the opportunities to do so cease to manifest. These times of completion are about setting the stage for new kinds of experience. When the energetic remnants of those dramas have been swept away, you will be ready and able to create a very different kind of adventure.”

As I read about humor, absurdity, and antics, I cannot help but giggle at what I was observing as I imagined a little green frog, frantically throwing a tantrum, trying to push my buttons on that Sunday afternoon, just five weeks ago. I did sidestep many energetic hooks; I healed many buttons. I can only hope that I really am maximizing my potential to bring such recurring dramas to closure. I am not sure how many more such nightmares I can handle.

Pretty Please

As I look back on these six days of nightmarish manifestations, beginning at the end of the first week in January, I find great comfort in the channeled words of Rasha that I quoted above.

I was so confused and puzzled by why so many crazy patterns suddenly surfaced out of nowhere – patterns of extreme discordant situations that I believed to have been healed – experiences that made me feel as if I were deeply backsliding – experiences that took me back into the forgotten nightmares of a very long time ago.

Please, please, and pretty please, Universe … Can I be done now?

Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved