Brenda's Bicycles

As I sit down to write on this beautiful Friday morning, silver-grey clouds darken the sky while a moderate shower of rain continuously moistens the landscape. As I attempt to write a few introductory words … a small feeling whispers: “meditate first.”

Minutes later, I am reviewing the profound events about which I am preparing to write … about how a one-year-old little boy literally changed my life.

Suddenly, a huge wave of intensely sad emotion begins to rush up from my heart and out through the top of my head. As my jaw shakes, tears flood down my cheeks while I contemplate the source of this unexpected emotion – buried adult judgment – judgment that, even today, would attempt to suppress the playful magic of an innocent little child. The shocking truth is that this judgment continues to spew from somewhere deep inside me.

But I am getting a little ahead of myself.

A Willingness To Follow

Excitement fills my heart as I playfully stroll toward the eastern edge of town. I just published my first blog since returning to San Marcos – an inspired piece of writing titled “Full Circle” – one documenting the beginning phase of my journey home in the early days of July. That was a period of emotional struggle – a period where I unknowingly inhaled the emotions of fellow travelers all around me.

Now I just giggle as I approach Keith’s magical porch. It is early Sunday afternoon, the second day of October, three months to the day since I began that memorable journey home.

I am excited to continue my own magical healing journey, even though I have no idea what is about to transpire. Experience has profoundly shown me that the only thing I need do is to show up with an open heart and a willingness to follow the energies wherever they might lead.

Focusing On My Heart

After a beautiful and peaceful “glow meditation,” I am glowing from the inside out, feeling nothing but energetic peace and a desire to shine that inner light for others.

“How are you doing today?” Keith starts his individual work with me.

“Good.” I respond with surprise, wondering why the usual solar plexus pain is presently nowhere to be found.

“Do you want to work with her?” Keith asks, as he points to a woman on the porch who appears to be deeply struggling in the throws of emotion.

Still not fully understanding what I am doing, nor how I do it, I begin to use my budding empath awareness to assist this woman in releasing a great deal of her deep fear. As the doubts begin to jump up and down in my head, I simply disengage rational thought, instead directing all focus to my heart.

The Last To Know

“I don’t have a clue what I am doing.” I whisper silently to my heart. “But I know that you do already know how to do this. Will you please take it from here?”

Soon, I envision my heart sending out its healing energy – energy that first encircles the woman – energy that I later feel expanding to encompass the entire porch. At the rational mind level, I still do not have a clue as to what I am doing – but the beautiful woman with whom I am working is an empath herself, and she lovingly reassures me that she does indeed feel my loving assistance in a powerful way.

I trust that my journey right now is to learn to trust … that my rational-mind knowing will unfold in proper time. I can only smile with confidence as I remember Keith’s frequent words telling me that the “rational mind is usually the last to know.”

A Peaceful Flow

I continue sharing energy with this woman for at least thirty minutes before moving back to my pillow to rest my aching legs. I revel in deep peace at the realization that my heart is indeed powerful, and that I am making a difference.

After a while, this same woman enters another profound wave of emotion. Soon I am again sitting cross-legged in front of her, again engaging my heart in ways I have yet to understand with the mind. As I do so, I focus on bringing in higher energies through both my crown and my root – remembering the importance of opening up my own energetic channels to the life force of Mother Earth.

As I do so, I sense a renewed peaceful flow of soothing energy in my abdomen.

Phase One Panic

Soon, Keith’s work elsewhere on the porch guides him into conducting an empath training.

“Sharon and Bobby, do you want to participate in the training with me?” I meditate with my little inner children.

As I connect more deeply, I sense Bobby’s hesitation. He is filled with fear. I energetically hold his hand as we proceed together.

Phase one – where I bring in the emotional energy of others, actually storing it in my body – begins in a quite normal way. But as I feel a mild flow of energy streaming into my third-eye, I start to experience significant pain building up in my lower chakras. The discomfort is so intense that both Bobby and I begin to panic with fright. I remember the confusing emotions that overwhelmed me in my early days of travel just three months ago – and I begin to intuitively feel what I now recognize as emotional memories from childhood – forgotten memories of the intense emotional onslaught that Bobby once endured.

Without asking for Keith’s input, Bobby and I quickly put an energetic stop to this phase of the training. It is simply too frightening and overwhelming. Intuitively, I recognize that I have been opening significant energies in my abdomen lately – and that the more I open these channels, the more my empath sensitivities will also open up. I briefly question if this is what I really desire.

A Gentle Glimpse

During phase two – where the emotional energy flows through me without touching me – I feel a little energy activity in my third eye, but I am so preoccupied with fear from phase one, that I energetically block most of the experience.

During phase three – where the emotional densities never touch me, where they flow straight to their higher evolvement – I make a concerted effort to drop all resistance while letting go of rational mind’s preconceived ideas.

“I want to feel this as it happens!” I plead with my Higher Self while asking logical thinking to temporarily step aside.

To my surprise, I suddenly feel a mild energy tapping me on the third eye. Then I feel the slight sensation of energy flowing up my forehead, on the outside of my scalp, rising to the point of my crown, and then up to the heavens – never touching me on the inside, yet touching me just enough so that I could feel it physically on my skin.

I am deeply grateful that the Universe gave me a mild and gentle glimpse. I am not sure if Bobby and I could have withstood anything more intense at the moment.

Reopened Fear

As we further practice our empath abilities, with a member of our group sitting in the middle of the porch, I am slightly disappointed that I continue to sense very little energy with my physical senses.

Suddenly I remember that while in Valladolid during early July, I had asked my Higher Self to install a filter – one that would prevent me from unknowingly inhaling the energy of others during a phase of not-yet-understanding what I do.

“Please remove that filter.” I ask my guides. “Now that I am back in San Marcos I want to fully experience everything.”

As I make this request, I have no idea how much fear this will reopen.

Joyful Fun

Almost immediately, I am intuitively guided to reconnect with the metaphor of a stadium filled with cells from my abdomen.

“If you can find the strength, please allow the light to flow.” I speak to my inner energies from the metaphorical stage of that imaginary football stadium.

“The cells will be much more likely to respond positively if we make this fun.” Another idea floods my intuitive awareness.

Immediately I shift from an attitude of ‘serious work’ into one of ‘joyful fun’, while continuing to focus on allowing the energies to flow through me.

Flash Bulbs Of Insight

Then, as Keith continues talking to others, new memories flood my heart.

“I used to brag to myself about how I could be friends with almost anyone.” I suddenly remember.

Seconds later, memories of a few emotionally taxing past-friendships swarm my mind. I clearly remember how painful those friendships had been. I stood by those friends with pure unconditional love while constantly inhaling their emotional pain, consoling them by taking their dense energy into me. After all, I believed that this is what friends do … they take on each other’s pain. That belief literally became my distorted definition of love.

With one friend in particular, I remember how she would suddenly be all happy and bubbly after our conversations – while it often took a day or two of isolation for me to re-center myself after listening to her rant and rave about all of the injustices that had been done to her by others.

“I was an empathic sponge for those friends.” The light bulbs suddenly flash in my awareness. “I never understood before how I was literally consuming their toxic emotion, bringing it inside of me, filling my own body with it, and then isolating for days while trying to recover my peaceful inner sanity.”

Hidden Connections

As these memories flash through me, my abdomen immediately begins to dance wildly with intense fear and prickly pain – pain again warning me that maybe I really do not want to open this energy sensitivity at all – maybe it is not safe.

I recall that there were years in my life when I was extremely hesitant to consider taking on any additional friendships. At the time, I honestly believed this was because I simply did not have enough time to spread myself too thin. Now I clearly see that I was terrified by the thought of having more unhealthy people in my life – people with whom my responsibility would be to sacrifice my own well-being in order to help them maintain emotional balance. My definition of friendship at the time was one of self-sacrificing, devoted, loving, loyalty in which I would serve as their emotional garbage can. What a distorted idea that is.

“And I am still terrified to engage in more intimate partner relationships for the same reason.” I suddenly recognize. “I am terrified that intimate love means losing myself in the same way that I used to lose myself in my friendships.”

“With friendships I can always go isolate to recover.” I ponder with increasing clarity. “Yet with an intimate partner I might have no such freedom to isolate, regroup, and heal myself. I would be under constant bombardment by the other person’s energy.”

“NO …” my inner resistance flares up. “I cannot handle that … yet.”

I had no idea my buried empath abilities were so profoundly connected to my fears of intimacy.

Powerful Panicky Peace

Wow, this is powerful! My heart and abdomen twitch wildly with anxiety as these unexpected insights continue to flood my mind.

In an effort to stabilize the panic, I place my left hand on my heart, the right on my belly, and breathe with intense focus – all the while observing the painful, prickly, twitching that consumes my abdomen.

Even as my abdomen erupts with fearful anxiety, my meditative focus allows cool, peaceful, pleasant energy to flow gently through my heart. With each deep breath, I send some of that peaceful love in the direction of a frightened belly.

With the empath-filter now removed and my energy sensitivity increased, I am tearfully remembering the pain and fear of taking on the energy of others. The conscious cells in my lower chakras are terrified of returning to those past times of intense emotional chaos.

His Only Option

As Keith soon notices my deep breathing and agitated abdominal energy, he points out that I have established a low-grade connection to many people on the porch – that I am actually sucking their densities into me, feeling them, and moving them through me – without keeping them inside of me.

I had no idea that I was actually doing this while processing such deep inner fears about doing just that.

After his unexpected feedback, Keith then returns to work with my friend Serg, who is experiencing the energy of his own painful emotional bombardment from around age five. As I connect to Serg’s energy, my pain again steps up to a new level of intensity as I energetically remember the indescribable inner panic of my own five-year-old self – a sensitive and loving little boy profoundly terrorized by the emotional energies flooding his tiny body – a little boy who had absolutely no understanding about what was happening to him – a little boy who was isolated and alone in his painful world, having no one around him with whom he could discuss that pain. His only coping option was to shut it all down.

It Will Come In Time

For the remainder of the chocolate ceremony, I sit in focused meditation. With hands on heart and abdomen, I continue to breathe deeply while moving streams of fear-based energy – first into my awareness, then out to the angels for transmutation.

“Wow,” I exclaim to Keith as the ceremony concludes. “The energy sensitivities have terrorized me – triggering fears from past experiences in which I actually internalized those dense energies, literally eating them. Still not fully knowing what I am doing only serves to intensify that fear.”

“You did a great job of staying out of your head and simply trusting your heart.” Keith congratulates me. “Your rational-mind knowing will come in time.”

Learning To Trust

As I finally sink into my pillow, I again meditate about the beautiful synchronicities that now happen on a constant basis – today being the fact that I just published a blog about the panic of inhaling the emotional energy of others, following which I asked my guides to install a temporary filter to prevent me from unknowingly doing just that.

Now, my journey of writing about “Full Circle” has literally taken me full circle in another way. I have removed that filter and am now ready to explore this empath stuff, no matter what inner panic and fear the journey might unearth and stir-up in the process.

No, I will not reinstall that filter … I will instead further open the magic … further learning to trust.

What Was That About?

Monday and Tuesday breeze by in a flash. I love my new pillows and bedspread from the tailor in Panajachel, and I am beginning to write with increased passion, publishing a blog titled, “An Opportunity To Shine.” Indeed I do feel as if my whole life is opening up, that I am on the verge of shinning my light even brighter. I cannot wait to move further into this amazing synchronous flow.

As I meditate early Wednesday morning, I combine that meditation with increased funky-leg stretching while constantly checking my intuitions to make sure I will not harm my physical body in any way.

After thirty minutes – with my knees forward and my feet beside my hips with toes pointed out sideways – I am stuck and can hardly move through the numbness in order to free myself from this position. But before attempting this extraction process, I experience a powerful and unexpected flow of energy.

When surrendering to the pain and fear, I suddenly experience a great deal of energy moving in my legs and abdomen. The energy quickly rises, swelling into my chest. The unexpected energy is deeply pleasurable, almost sexual, as it fills my entire chest cavity. In the midst of this energetic burst, a great deal of fear and anxiety simultaneously stir, mixed in with sensations of overwhelming joy and excitement.

Then, to my shock, the joy takes me into tears that quickly transform into nearly five minutes of powerful emotional release. I am overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotion – jaw shaking and tears streaming – while having absolutely no intuitive understanding whatsoever regarding the source or nature of the emotion itself.

“What was that about?” I question with surprise when the emotion ends as abruptly as it began.

Disturbing The Peace

As I arrive early on the porch on Wednesday, October 5, I am surprised to see a young mother there with her tiny son – a blue-eyed, energy-radiating little guy who I am told is only one-week-shy of his first birthday. His mother has asked me to call him “Aaculaax (aah-coo-lawsh)” in my writing.

As I observe this delightful little boy, I can only wonder what magical energy he must bring with him into this physical plane – and how lucky he is to have a mother who recognizes, cherishes, and nurtures that magic.

As I assist in preparing the porch for the upcoming ceremony, literally everything that I start to prepare is quickly picked up and disturbed by the eager and curious hands of this playfully-active little toddler.

“This will be quite interesting.” I think to myself when I learn that the young woman intends to remain with her son on the porch for the ceremony. “I know that everything happens on this porch for a reason … and that it is all my creation … but how can we possibly have a relaxing and meditative ceremony with such an active and curious little boy getting into everything?”

I have often heard Keith tell people that children are always welcome on his porch, but deep judgmental concerns begin to overwhelm the adult pragmatist in me, demanding that this situation is simply not acceptable for a chocolate ceremony … that Aaculaax will be a great disturbance to the peace.

I do my best to ignore these pesky ego judgments as deep curiosity wonders where this will all lead.

Seen And Not Heard

As the “glow meditation” begins, I find great difficulty in focusing. My mind is instead focused on the noisy, somewhat-disruptive, activity of this precious little boy.

I am overwhelmed with memories of my religious upbringing. Mormon’s were encouraged to bring their young babies to church. Some were quite disruptive, and people merely tolerated their noisy activity. But I was raised in a home where I was taught to be reverent, to not wiggle, squirm, or disturb others in any way during the sacred church services.

As I became an adult with six beautiful children of my own, I was determined that my own children would never be an embarrassing disturbance to others.

I cringe with shame as I remember restrictively holding my own children in church, physically restraining them, squeezing them snugly, not allowing them to wiggle and move in ways that might disturb others. When they would talk out loud, I would shush them, even lightly snapping them on the lips with my finger when they talked out loud – attempting to lovingly teach them that in church, “little children are to be seen and not heard.”

Self-Perpetuated Pain

When the “glow meditation” concludes, I am actively whimpering as tears stream lightly down my cheeks.

I find myself imagining that this beautiful little boy on the porch today is me, Bobby, at age one. Just like Aaculaax, I am magical, alive, active, eager, innocent, joyful, playful, giggling, without a care in the world.

Then I switch roles and see myself as my own loving mother, wanting to shut down the unrecognized-magic of that beautiful little boy, to get him to be ‘seen and not heard.’

I feel horrible as I contemplate the conflicting emotions suddenly racing around in my body – combinations of intense sadness and suppressed anger – sadness and anger at my own parents for what they did to me – sadness and anger at myself for what I did to my own children.

These emotions are intense and overwhelming. I wish I could bawl my brains out, but I instead hold back on the tears, knowing that I want to find a higher-energy method of processing these newly unearthed emotions.

Nausea swells in my abdomen, a physical sensation that desperately wants to vomit out this nasty energy. It is the painful energy of my own magical shutdown – it is the energy of loving parents firmly molding a child into what he is “supposed to be” – but worst of all it is the energy of my own deeply ingrained adult values, continuing to shutdown the magical playful energy of my own inner child energies, my precious little Bobby.

I am shocked to discover that my own hidden adult judgment would still project and attempt to shut down the playful innocence of a magical child.

“Am I still doing this to my own little Bobby?” I question with shock.

Brutal Honesty

“What would I do to that innocent baby if the surfacing anger and judgment buried in my solar plexus were allowed to have its way?” I ask myself with painful and brutal honesty.

I shudder at the thought that unhealed emotional energies inside of me would still judge and suppress the magic of a child – my own inner magic. While giving lip service to the child’s magic, this unhealed part of me would be simultaneously trying to contain that magic in a well-behaved little box for public consumption.

“After all of the processing I have done regarding my own childhood shutdown,” I ponder, “how could such feelings possibly remain buried inside of me?”

Again, I sink forward in pain as tears stream down my cheeks.

Spinning My Wheels

“Brenda,” Keith guides me briefly, “you need to bring in outside energies to assist you in your learning/healing progress on this issue.”

For the next thirty minutes, I attempt to bring in energies from Mother Earth, trying to draw the life force up through my lower chakras as I did this morning before that amazing and unexpected burst of energy rocked my world. Believing that this is the answer, I push forward in my attempt to connect with more light, making some progress, but not much. I am just spinning my wheels.

Rebellious Resistance

“Brenda,” Keith eventually guides me from across the porch, “the energy you need to bring in is right in front of your heart, at heart level.”

I immediately begin to concentrate on this new shift in meditative focus. Intuitively, I recognize this new energy as the magical energy of my one-year-old self.

“Of course,” I ponder. “The energy I need to bring in is the heart energy of my own inner magic – magic that was once pushed away to keep it safe – magic that my adult-self has continued to push away.”

As I open my heart, inviting the energies to return, I feel as if only a small portion does so. It feels nice, quite familiar, but much more energy remains outside of me. The pain in my solar plexus is strong, seemingly swelling up in rebellion.

Additional intuition tells me that this energy in my solar plexus is the very energy that I once asked to shut these magical energies down – and my own belief systems continue to be the enforcers of that blockage.

No Fixing Allowed

“Ask the small amount of energy that did return to show you what it would do to help the solar plexus blockages.” Keith soon guides me when I ask for another clue.

“Pure unconditional love for my solar plexus,” I soon respond as the answer clearly flows into my intuitions.

Immediately, I focus on sending pure, innocent child-like love to the energies in my solar plexus. These are not fixing energies – just energies of genuine unconditional love.

A Real-Life Model

Gradually, over the next thirty minutes or so, I begin to ask more of the child-like magical energy to rejoin me in my heart. Each time I bring in another small piece of my own energy, I experience additional waves of resistance and fear.

I continue to watch beautiful innocent Aaculaax on the porch. To my delight, he walks over to where I am sitting, looks at me right in the eyes, and giggles right in my face. Gratitude again swells in my heart for this amazing real-life model of what pure unconditional love and joy is all about.

Lessons To Learn

As I giggle back at Aaculaax, I suddenly find myself giggling back at little fourteen-month-old Bobby – only he is not giggling at me. I am visualizing an actual photo of myself in which little Bobby looks quite stressed, with his eyebrows curled down at the corners from scrunching his forehead.

As this image floods my mind, I also note that I myself, in this very moment, am scrunching my eyebrows, physically attempting to choke the flowing energies.

I attempt to visualize Bobby as smiling back at me, as Aaculaax is doing right now – but instead I can only feel emotions of stress, fear, and stiff resistance – refusing to smile – refusing to relax into the joy.

Memory takes me back to last November, the first time I discovered little three-year-old Sharon hiding in a metaphorical cage in my solar plexus. It took me over a week to realize that she did not trust me, that she was my teacher, and that she would not come out until I learned the lessons that she needed me to learn.

I clearly understand now that fourteen-month-old Bobby is my teacher – and he is being just as resistant as was Sharon, not yet trusting me. He is watching my growth and knows that there is more that I must learn. He will not relax and giggle until I earn his complete trust – until I learn all the lessons that he needs to teach to me.

It is only then that Bobby will allow all of the energetic blockages in my solar plexus to come tumbling down. Those blockages are protections that he himself put into place to protect himself from the world of adults, of which I am currently the prime threat.

Multi-Generational Healing

“Brenda,” Keith interrupts after a while. “Start counting … how many are there?”

No sooner has Keith asked his question than I know exactly where he is headed. Several times over the last year I have watched with keen interest as Keith interrupts a ceremony and begins to explain to people that many of their ancestors have shown up on the porch – that they are all part of a much bigger plan in which they have all collaborated in order to help heal an energy on the planet.

As I connect to the energy around me, I intuitively feel something important is going on. While attempting to gather myself for a response to Keith, a feeling of being overwhelmed momentarily consumes me.

“I’m getting six or seven generations,” Keith volunteers, “including both the men and the women.”

Keith goes on to explain that all of my ancestors from six or seven generations back are gathered to support me – and that all of us have a collective energetic agreement that we made together, outside of time. Our plan was to perpetuate this childhood shutdown process, one generation at a time, with me as the end focal point. Each generation would take the energy of their parents, and pass it down amplified, until it eventually reaches me. It is now my responsibility to process and to heal that energy for the benefit of everyone.

To my surprise, Keith goes on to explain that my children and grandchildren are also in on the deal, that they are energetically gathered here as well, all in support of me moving the shutdown blockages that continue to shutdown their magic as well.

It is my job, with their support, to move this energy.

“Give it to the light, Brenda.” Keith then encourages me. “Release this energy for everyone involved.”

Honored And Overwhelmed

For a few minutes, I am stuck wandering in my head as I recognize that my profound Mormon heritage traces back on every single family line, right back to the early history of the church – as does that of my children. What better way to prepare me for such a lesson than to be born into a family of such strong fundamentalist religious roots.

The phrase, “Honor the family name,” was often used as a way to instill a sense of duty to these ancestors – in a sense sacrificing my own heart to uphold the heritage of others.

Had it not been for my chosen birth circumstances – that of being transgendered – there is no doubt that I would still be deeply stuck in that sense of multigenerational family responsibility.

I feel both honored and overwhelmed at the thought that it is now my job to move this shutdown energy on behalf of all of us. I struggle to find some metaphorical way to accomplish such a daunting task. I fully realize that it cannot be accomplished with left-brained thinking.

Finally, my thoughts are guided to think of the Muppet Show.

A Love-Filled Stage

Seconds later, I am visualizing every one of my ancestors and descendents energetically seated in the audience, including my own conscious-observer energy. At the same time, my physical self is standing on the stage, humorously interacting with Kermit, Miss Piggy, and the Cookie Monster.

Everyone, including my own conscious-observer self, is cheering me on, shouting out words of love and encouragement, reassuring me that I can release the pain, telling me to give the density to the light.

To allow this to work, I have to separate completely from rational mind – and I find that visualizing the process as magically happening to a separate physical-me on a stage in front of me proves to be quite effective.

For nearly two hours, I sit observing in that audience, surrounded by the support of extended family generations, while allowing waves of density to gently wash into my awareness, after which we all watch them release from my physical body. The crowd continuously and lovingly cheers me on.

At first, I actually feel the painful prickly energy leaving from my solar plexus. Eventually the pain manifests as a pronounced and very-familiar pain – as if a sharp nail is poking right into the exact center of my heart chakra.

A Group Cycle

Several times, I release this nail-in-the heart pain into the light – and actually feel it leave my physical body.

When my heart feels strong and peaceful, I then begin to bring in more of everyone’s pushed-out magic, back into my heart. The power of this group soul-retrieval causes intense panic and fear to come up – causing the physical heart-pain to resurface. Intuitively, I recognize these emotions of panic and fear as belonging to all of us in the group. These emotions are not just my own.

With the group’s encouragement and support, I next release the panic and fear, after which I resume the process of bringing in more of the group magic. It all moves in repetitive cycles. New magic triggers fear and panic – causing physical heart pain. Releasing the pain brings peace – allowing me to invite more magic to return.

When I eventually explain to Keith about all that is happening, he congratulates me, reassuring me that what I am doing is perfect – that he has nothing new to add.

“You are literally moving the density of all of the others involved in this agreement.” Keith emphasizes with loving confidence.

Keith goes on to explain that what I am releasing is not emotional density from my own past-lives or other-dimensional lives – that this is actual energy from other beings (my ancestors and descendents) that is being channeled through me. My collective agreement with these ancestors and descendents was that I would eventually be the funnel for this energy-healing process – a process that we designed outside of time – a process that has now been played out inside of time for hundreds of years.

Conscious Completion

“Keith, I know it is late, but I don’t feel done yet.” I soon interrupt. “Do you want me to leave and finish this on my own back in my apartment?”

To my delight, Keith encourages me to stay as long as is necessary. Finally, at nearly 7:00 p.m., I recognize that a stopping point is near.

“Congratulations on another amazing journey of following the energies wherever they lead you.” Keith tells me as we exchange a quick goodnight hug. Because it is now dark outside, Serg, who has remained on the porch to the very end, volunteers to walk with me back into town.

As I stroll through the darkness, part of me wonders if this process could have gone on for many days. Another part of me intuitively knows that it will go on for days, but that it will happen at other levels of consciousness, perhaps even in my dreams, no longer requiring my direct conscious involvement.

To Shine Without Fear

As I meditate briefly before bed, I am again blown away by the powerful journey that continues to effortlessly flow through me. All I need to do is to show up and be present – the rest seems to happen all by itself.

I could never have imagined how the presences of a beautiful one-year-old magical little boy could trigger so much amazing growth – growth that continues to this day. The emotions that began to overwhelm me at the start of this writing are now long-since faded.

It is clear that the adult judgment that bubbled to the surface – judgment that would continue to believe that a child ‘should be seen and not heard’ – was nothing but energetically inherited beliefs and conditioning, passed down from one generation to another. There is no doubt in my heart that this pattern is now broken, released back to the light, and transmuted.

I am well on my way toward liberating a suppressed and squashed little boy – no … wait … please, let me reword that.

I am well on my way toward liberating myself from the beliefs and generational conditioning that would suppress and squash the magic of a fourteen-month-old little Bobby.

Perhaps one day soon, I will earn Bobby’s complete trust. Perhaps then, he will drop the protective walls around his magic, allowing his beautiful gifts to shine without fear.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Tuesday morning, I set off on a new adventure. Shortly after 9:00 a.m., I have disembarked from my lancha (boat) at the Panajachel boat dock, and am standing in the middle of an outdoor used-fabric market. Twice per week, the large parking lot in front of the local firehouse is covered with layers of used Mayan fabric. Most of the fabric comes from used “cortes” – the skirts that the local indigenous women wear. I am on a mission of sorts. I want to cover my living room day bed with something a little more decorative, and I would love to make at least three large overstuffed pillows – pillows that I can use for personal comfort – pillows that I can use for the comfort of others when I eventually conduct my own chocolate sessions here in San Marcos.

Soon I have purchased four large “cortes” – each about three feet wide and around ten to twelve feet in length. Two of them will make a perfect bedspread, with the other two being just enough for four pillows.

Thirty minutes later, I am in a small fabric store purchasing what I believe to be enough muslin to sew four large inner pillows. Then I again hike through the hot morning sun in search of a tailor that Keith recommended. At last, my journey is complete. The tailor has my instructions, we have an agreed-upon price, and I will return in a week to retrieve my treasures.

The whole morning has been one of stepping out of my comfort zone, of crossing language and cultural barriers, and of facing fears. I am quite pleased with the outcome.

Warmth Of My Heart

After a long day involving extensive walking and heavy loads, I grant myself loving permission to rest. Later, while meditating, a feeling of inner guidance whispers that it is time to begin opening more energy flow in my legs, guiding me that one way to do this (for me) is to start stretching out the tight muscles in my hips and thighs – cramped muscles that choke off and prevent a free flowing of that energy.

After doing so, pushing my tight joints and muscles to their limits, I simply relax and meditate into the increased energy flow, using my heart-knowing and inner-will to pull dense energy out of both the front and back of my abdomen. My first inclination is to attempt to release and transmute this energy – but a sense of intuition instead guides me to bring it into my heart. As I do so, I sense the energy in my heart rise to a powerful new level of strength and overflowing.

Suddenly, I start to feel considerable prickly/painful energy beginning to manifest – especially around the bladder and lower areas of my second chakra. With loving focus, I simply invite the painful prickles to rise, guiding them upward with my will, where they soon disappear into the warmth of my heart.

Intuitively, I recognize that what I am doing is reconnecting with more of the forgotten “self-hatred” that continues to coat my abdominal organs, as well as the muscles and joints in my hips and legs – and I humbly recognize that I am still only scratching the surface.

Getting To Know You

As Wednesday afternoon finally arrives, I am eager to embrace the unknown growth of my second chocolate ceremony after returning to San Marcos.

As Keith moves his way around the circle, helping others, my abdomen increasingly flares up with growing painful cramps and nausea. The discomfort is so severe that I struggle, desperately wanting to interrupt, wishing I could have immediate assistance. As I patiently suffer, I watch with awe as every single person’s work applies directly to my trigger issues, taking me deeper and deeper into the physical metaphor that is causing me so much anxiety.

By the time Keith finally turns to work with me, I feel quite helpless and confused.

“Sit with the nausea and pain.” Keith guides me. “Get to know it.”

That is not what I want to hear. The tight knot at the top center of my solar plexus is so pressurized and agonizingly painful that I want it out, NOW.

Seconds later, I remind myself of the inner guidance that I have repeatedly received throughout the summer as this pain in my solar plexus has continued to strengthen.

“Just send love.” Intuitions repeatedly guided me. “Using light cannons to attack the pain will not solve anything.”

Jumping Doubts

As I patiently wait for Keith to help me, I am hoping for empathy and assistance in moving the painful energy, but that hope is soon dashed.

“You are at a new level of being guided to work with this density,” Keith soon coaches me, “You are being guided to work with this density using Higher Energies rather than crying it out.”

At one level, I agree completely, but inner doubts begin to jump up and down, screaming that they do not trust this approach, demanding that tears are the only thing that will work for me.

Knotted-Up Pipes

As I again sit with this pain in my abdomen, attempting to get to know it better, profound emotions begin to consume me. The closer I get to this pain, the more raw the emotions become.

Tears begin to quietly stream down my cheeks as I attempt to keep my emotions from splattering out all over the porch. Soon, my belly is also shaking, as if twitching in a “yes/no/yes/no” battle of “to cry or not to cry”.

In my visual imagination, I begin to see the energy blockage in my upper solar plexus as a huge mass of pipes and steel cables, twisted so tightly together, tied into so many knots, that no energy flow is capable of moving to or from my heart.

Hopeless and Helpless

As Keith continues to work his way around the porch for a second time, I attempt to meditate – trying to bring in higher energy to help with my blockage.

In continued meditation, what I originally saw as a twisted mass of pipes and cables gradually morphs into an entire demilitarized zone – as if it is an impassible military buffer between two hated and bitter enemies.

Coils of razor wire spring up everywhere, as do walls spiked by strategically placed broken glass to prevent anyone from climbing. Soon, automated, motion-sensing machine guns protect the walls – deadly guns that will shoot at anything that moves in this protected zone.

Land mines quickly dot the landscape, accompanied by every imaginable type of bloody booby trap from every Indiana-Jones-type movie that I have ever seen – increasingly making this energetic blockage in my solar plexus impossible to navigate.

As I continue to meditate on this intensely guarded buffer zone, a sense of sheer and utter hopelessness consumes my soul.

“This energy blockage is so vast and complex,” I ponder in helplessness, “that I will never be able to tear down the walls by myself.”

In fact, I experience sudden terror at the thought of even trying. I am clueless as to how or where to even begin.”

“Yes,” I surrender in despair. “Higher assistance is the only way. But I just do not know how to do that.”

Guarded Magic

Suddenly a new awareness floods my intuitive understanding.

“This deadly demilitarized zone completely surrounds my Magical Theme Park – the playground of inner magic that I discovered earlier last spring.” I ponder with surprise. “These walls keep my magic isolated and unreachable to logic and rational mind.”

Each time I meditatively attempt to draw closer – or to bring in light to help – a feeling of sheer panic quickly overwhelms me, literally causing my heart to cringe, stopping me in my tracks.

“Congratulations Brenda on achieving a new level of growth.” Keith soon rejoins my inner work. “You have clearly recognized that you cannot do it alone or with your rational mind … that you have to have help … a setup that can only be solved by higher energies.”

Light Magnets

“Bring in a small ball of light to help you.” Keith soon guides me, giving me a clue of another way to work with this terrifying demilitarized zone.

Even though I find it extremely difficult to visualize, I refuse to believe ego thoughts that insist, “I can’t do this.”

Prior to today’s ceremony, I had promised myself that I would no longer allow doubts to stop me. Still, I find it almost impossible to visualize the light, so I focus on simply allowing myself to pretend that I can feel it instead.

As I allow intuitive imagination to take over, I feel as if the light becomes a large magnet – a magnet that begins to suck parts of the wall into its realm. Thousands of knife-edges from the razor wire begin to fly into the light as I feel this vacuum-like pull gradually sucking at everything in the massive military buffer zone – one by one pulling obstacles and booby-traps out of the ground and into the light.

For the longest of times, I imagine knife blades, nails, land mines, pins, arrows, poison darts, needles, hypodermic needles, machine guns, bullets, tiger pits, jungle traps – imagining all of these flying through the air, being sucked into the light.

But there seems to be an endless supply of these deadly weapons – a never ending visualization that continues to instill a sense of hopelessness. No matter how much of the treacherous wall that I bring into the light, it seems like ever more booby traps replace those that disappear.

Throughout this long meditative saga, my stomach and solar plexus continue to throb painfully – a pain that threatens to go on forever.

Never-Ending Wall

I meditate for over an hour as images of disaster movies flash through my mind – scenes of earthquakes sucking in walls and buildings, with the ground crumbling away.

Soon, the images begin to include non-physical structures. Joining the images are crumbling political structures, jobs, universities, societal rules, and belief systems. The entire illusory world is being sucked into the light.

Yet, through it all, the wall never gets smaller or thinner. The demilitarized zone intuitively seems as powerfully protected as ever.

Another Day

“Take a break.” Keith eventually guides me to suspend my visualization.

To my surprise, I never return to this scene of hopeless destruction. Instead, I find myself consumed by the applicability of surrounding conversations that powerfully apply to me.

“You cannot take the wrong bus … It is already done … You cannot fail.”

Many such messages ground me into the rational remembering that I am perfect exactly where I am – that I am in the middle of a divinely guided process and that all is well.

Yet I feel as if I have been run over by a truck and kicked in the solar plexus by a steel-toed boot – and I continue to experience some nausea and pain from the intense energy blockage near the top-center of my solar plexus.

Gradually, as I let my mind wander and simply focus on reconnecting with the light, I feel an inflow of Higher Energy vibrations – vibrations that comfort my tired heart – warm vibrations that fill me with peace and confidence, reminding me that I have made great progress today, and that the rest can wait for later.

A New Level

After the ceremony ends, rather than isolating myself to continue meditation, I instead follow a heart that tells me to go to dinner with a new friend – opting to honor another element of persistent guidance telling me it is time to be more social as I take on another new year of inner work.

As I later rest on my pillow, reviewing the day’s events, I again reflect on how Keith congratulated me for having reached a new level today – one of clear realization that rational mind simply cannot offer the solution – that the answers will not and do not come through logical mind – that I need to further trust the Higher Energies.

I indeed know that I am finally ready to embrace this new level – one that I could not quite reach last June.

Day Of Rest

Thursday turns into a much-needed day of rest and studying Spanish. My heart continues to process after a very profound chocolate session yesterday.

Motivation to force my writing is nonexistent. In fact, I made a commitment this year that I will only write when driven by inner joy and passion. As ego rants on about how I need to work hard to catch-up in my blog, I simply smile, put on two back-to-back movies, and relax into bed.

Finally, for an hour and a half on Friday morning, the writing-bug swells in my heart. But my passion to communicate is cut short by an unexpected opportunity – a small private chocolate ceremony – one in which Keith has invited a few others to participate, including me.

Building Trust

As the ceremony begins, my solar plexus quickly resumes a painful journey of demanding my full focus and attention. Rather than judging or fixing, I instead focus on bringing in more light – asking the light for intuitive messages – asking the light to show me what it would do with these emotional densities that continue to knock on my door.

“Brenda,” Keith soon guides me, “you are in a journey of learning to use the Higher Energies rather than just using the tearful approach that you trust so well. Your process today is to play with that journey and to build more trust.”

“I have been trying to do this all summer.” I ponder after Keith again moves on. “But I have indeed felt quite helpless, still not fully trusting that I know how to use the Higher Energies in my own personal release process.”

Part of me insists that I must be able to feel them better before I can trust them – yet another part knows that I cannot feel them better until after I learn to trust them.

Energetic Support

Soon, I begin a silent journey of bringing back that magical ball of magnetic light from Wednesday’s meditation – the ball of light that continuously absorbed treacherous booby-traps from a hopeless and frightening demilitarized zone in my solar plexus.

To my shock and surprise, that demilitarized zone seems to be gone – yet a painful prickly energy remains in my solar plexus, one that is every bit as intense and agitated as before.

As I listen to Keith work with another woman, telling her how the energies of Mother earth will support her heart – Inner guidance tells me that his words were spoken for my benefit, that I need to “bring in the energies from Mother Earth to support my heart.”

“Of course,” I ponder quietly. “It is these energies from the mother that have been blocked at my solar plexus. My heart is craving this loving support and energetic fuel from below.”

Another Key

While focusing on this new endeavor, I note that a friend is engaging in a round of intense emotion. Inner guidance quickly encourages me to direct some of my heart energy in her direction.

Suddenly a new thread of intuition tells me to change the manner in which I send heart energy. Normally, I first fill my heart by metaphorically breathing in energy through my crown.

“Bring that energy from Mother Earth,” the intuitions tell me. “Bring it in through your lower chakras, right through the center of the pain in your solar plexus.”

This profound new intuition feels like a powerful key to my ongoing journey.

My Own Higher Self

As I focus on bringing energy up from below, my solar plexus continues to prickle with pain, but I do actually experience the sensation of some light energy flowing upward. This poking-from-within soon spreads to my lower second chakra regions as I envision little Bobby and Sharon using pipe cleaners to help open up the energy flow in my channels.

“Be my own Higher Self.” Yet another round of intuition floods my awareness. “Take on that leadership role that has been so lacking in my inner life.”

Soon I am lovingly envisioning every one of the cells in my abdomen as being conscious entities, each one of which is in need of my unconditional love and rallying support.

Giggling Joy

Minutes later, I am standing on the central stage of a huge metaphorical football stadium. Millions of these conscious cellular entities, most from my abdomen, occupy the seats. They are anxiously awaiting my words, wondering if they can trust me, or if my words will just be part of the same old leadership crap that they have heard from me throughout the years.

After encouraging them to feel the divine truth of my genuine love for them, I reassure each cell that they are free to choose their own path.

“But the light can be much more joyful and fun than that old ‘work, work, work’ path on which we have all found ourselves stuck in the past.” I giggle at the metaphorical microphone.

I literally giggle on my physical face too, as I overhear Keith working with a friend about how we all think that emotional and spiritual work needs to be hard – that it needs to be a painful struggle.

Free To Choose

The next ideas that pop into my mind surprise even me. I am guided to envision all of these cells in my abdomen, especially those in the lower second chakra, as being perfect chunks of black coal.

“Bring in the light and ask it to transmute you into clear diamonds.” I encourage the cells in that imaginary stadium. “Allow the light to flow through you and to bring you radiant joy and happy energy.”

Next, I reassure all of the cells that they are free to transmute into diamonds or to remain as black coal – that I will love them just the same. Then I encourage those cells that have already transmuted, those that are already shining as clear diamonds, to shine their light for their neighbors in an unconditional way … allowing those around them to feel and experience the glow without judging in any way if they choose not to accept it for themselves.

My main goal here is to let every cell know that I love them unconditionally no matter what path they choose.

Collective Pain

Suddenly a new concept becomes quite clear: The intense prickly pain I am feeling in my abdomen is not my own pain at all.

Instead, I am empathically sensing the combined pain of each individual cell – each and every cell in my abdomen that continues to experience energetic isolation and shutdown. Rather than being “my pain,” what I feel is actually the collective pain of every one of these cells.

“I am deeply grateful that you have kept me safe through all these fifty-plus years.” I speak into the microphone to these dedicated pain-ridden cells, who in their confusion and fear continue to keep themselves energetically shutdown.

“But this light is safe, and actually fun.” I add. “This pure unconditional light is not like the conditional teachings that once shut you down as a child. This light loves you and accepts you no matter what.”

“Those of you who are willing to participate … who are willing to take the risk …” I then make a leadership request. “I would love it if you will allow me and the angels to empathically assist you in releasing and transmuting all of your bottled up pain and sadness.”

I know I am still learning to be the unconditionally loving leader … but I giggle inside when I experience the sensation of significant painful energy that begins to move and release from my abdomen.

Congratulatory Confirmation

Throughout this entire process, I work alone, not verbally interacting with Keith or anyone else on this magical chocolate porch.

But to my amazement, many times during this beautiful meditative journey, Keith stops what he is doing, turns around, looks me in the eyes, gives me a huge thumbs up, and even giggles at me. A few times, he verbally congratulates me for the energy that he is experiencing – not asking me a single question before returning to work with the person he is assisting.

One time when Keith glances my way, I allow a doubting question to surface, asking Keith for outside confirmation that what I am doing is real.

“Brenda, I can feel the flow of energy leaving you,” Keith lovingly confirms, “and it is indeed making a difference.”

Loving Leadership Lessons

As I ponder deeply while continuing my meditative journey, I clearly recognize that today is a huge and powerful experience for me in actually putting into practice the lessons I learned earlier this year as documented in my June 28 blog titled: “Leadership of Love.”

Throughout this process, I have been an unconditionally loving leader, guiding my inner energies while not micromanaging them – encouraging them to make their own choices – simply providing inspired guidance – and then allowing the results to unfold with no attachment to outcomes.

Just as my own Higher Self loves me unconditionally, no matter what I choose in my life, I too will do the same for the individual energetic and cellular consciousnesses that make up my own physical body.

After the ceremony is complete, Keith shares a few words of wisdom, telling me that I (and my higher energies) designed this whole process, including my entire summer of solar plexus pain. It was all a setup to give me an opportunity to work with my leadership and micromanaging issues. In following this lesson, I am further learning to lead with unconditional love and non-attachment, to lead my own energies in the same way that I would lead a struggling and emotional five-year-old child. It is not a leadership of pushing, discipline, or threats of judgment – but one of unconditional love, understanding, and personal empowerment.

Life-Altering Shifts

As I stroll back to my apartment, I am amazed at how the majority of my solar plexus pain has already dissolved – with the remainder disappearing soon after I arrive at home.

I humbly recognize that my healing journey is far from complete – that today I merely dealt with yet another layer of energy blockages in my lower chakras – but I am simultaneously giggling with delightful energy.

I know that this week has been powerful in healing portions of my energy field – portions that have been deeply stuck since early childhood. I intuitively know that what took place this week has been, and will continue to be, life altering.

On Wednesday, I began dismantling an intense demilitarized war zone between heart and solar plexus – between feminine love and masculine power. Today, on the final day of September 2011, I have found great peace. I felt the energy of Mother earth flowing across that now-unguarded zone, supporting my heart while giving me the wisdom, courage, and strength to lovingly step into my power as my own Higher Self.

I am finally learning to take on a loving leadership role with the millions of conscious energies that make up my own physical body – a body called “Brenda” – a body that is a mere projection of who I really am.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

I did not take all that many photos during my travels this summer, but I did take some here and there. Prior to moving on with more writing, I have decided to spend an off-day, getting the photos out of the way.

As usual, each photo here is a thumbnail image. If you desire to download or see a larger, higher-resolution photo, you can simply click on the small photos and view to your heart’s content. Many of the thumbnail images are poorly clipped at the edges, and too small to see details, so if you have the internet bandwidth click away to see more details.

Misc Pre-Trip

Just a couple of days before beginning my summer travels back to Salt Lake City (and beyond), I participated in a chocolate ceremony at a beautiful hotel, about a twenty-minute boat ride from San Marcos.

While there, I took this opportunity to snap a photo of a dried chocolate fruit, or cacao pod as I call them. This one is much smaller than the ones I saw in Belize during my travels there. This is a “criollo” (pronounced cree-oh-yo) variety, which means wild. The hybrid pods used for most commercial production are twice this big. This pod contains from 30-50 seeds inside.

A view of beautiful Lake Atitlan as seen from the window of the hotel room where Keith conducted the amazing ceremony.

Goodbye San Marcos

This photo was taken just a few minutes before I boarded my boat, early on the morning of July 2, 2011. Pay close attention to the water levels in this photo, as I will refer back to it at the very end of this photo post.

Hello San Cristobal De Las Casas, Chiapas, Mexico

This is a view from my hotel room, looking through the trees at the city in the valley below. This is the beautiful little city where my tourist shuttle left me on Saturday evening — where I spent an exhausting 24 hours waiting for my next bus that would take me north to Merida.

Ek Balam

After finally arriving in Valladolid, I soon took a pilgrimage back to Ek Balam and Kaxan Xul — sights of the five-day indigenous festival that I attended in late November, 2009.

In the foreground (in front of the white handkerchief) is the sacred little Ceiba tree that I donated to the organizers of the festival on the last day of my amazing experiences in Kaxan Xul. This thorny-barked tree is already between 7 and 8 feet tall. I was so thrilled to see it thriving.

The little ‘hill’ in the background is actually an unexcavated Mayan pyramid — the very one on which we did the fire ceremony on the first day of the festival.

Me standing by my favorite little tree.

This is the “temazcal” structure in which I participated in my third-ever sweat lodge (first with Eduardo in Cozumel, second in Mexico City). I love the colors.

Another view of the same place. I just love these rich earthen and green colors …

The little road leading into Kaxan Xul. It took me about fifteen minutes to walk to/from here from the center of the little village of Ek Balam. After waving goodbye I walked back to have some breakfast.

A really poor photo inside of Trini’s little “comedor” (kitchen). Trini’s sister was one of the main organizer’s of the festival. Trini lives in the little village and runs this tiny little mayan kitchen. This is the main table, family style. The blue scarf is one I use to keep mosquitoes off me when meditating…

After breakfast at Trini’s, I walked about three miles in the hot sun, with my destination being the entrance gates to the ruins of Ek Balam. But after arriving there, I first walked yet-another mile to the Cenote Xcanche. This beautiful underground pool (sacred to the Mayans) has an open-air top. Some such cenotes are completely underground, or have only a small cave-like opening at the top.

It was in and around this ceremony that we performed several ceremonies during that five-day festival in 2009. Very near to here is where we did the dance ceremony in the jungle.

After visiting the cenote, I was extremely hot and tired from my four-miles of walking in the sun. I took a few minutes to rest in one of these cool shady hammocks that I found nearby.

Note the large rip in my jeans. By the time I left San Marcos, every pair of my jeans and capris had similar or much-worse rips. It has been a long couple of years of travel.

I continue to be fascinated by construction methods in parts of Central America. This is the inside of the thatched room that covers the hammock area. The construction is all natural, with no metal nails or wires.

This is one of the braces, showing how everything is held together by natural vines that are wrapped around like ropes …

This is the clearing area (near the cenote) where we held the dance ceremony in the jungle. It was in this sacred area where that little jungle tick bit me on the side of my left foot — where I received my third degree burn. In many ways, it was occurrences on this very spot that led to me finding my way to San Marcos La Laguna at preciesly the right time …

Last but not least is this beautiful sign that marks the trail leading to this beautiful cenote.

This is a portion of the mile-long trail that leads from the parking lot down to the cenote.

My next venture took me yet-another mile walk back up this trail, back to the parking lot, and then into the ruins of Ek Balam themselves.

This first photo within the ruins was taken from the top of the highest pyramid, looking west toward the little village of Ek Balam — the same village where I walked to Kaxan Xul and ate in Trini’s comedor. As the bird flies, it is not all that far away, but it is a several mile walk the way the roads run, first looping around to the south…

Another view from the top of the tallest pyramid, this one looking over the vast flat Yucatan off toward the east.

This one is taken from the same spot, only looking down the front steps and off toward the other ruins to the south. I spent considerable time meditating inside the ruin at the far end of this photo.

A portion of the front of this beautiful pyramid at Ek Balam.

This is taken from the ruin at the south end, looking back toward the tall temple in the distance (the one where I took the earlier photos). It is right where I am that I sat and meditated, inside a little shady enclosure at the top of this smaller temple, enjoying the gorgeous view.

From the same vantage point, looking a little bit to the right. What appears to be a small wooded hill is actually a very large unexcavated pyramid. There are several of these in this area.

This is a Ceiba tree in Ek Balam. It is quite a bit larger than the one recently planted in Kaxan Xul (The one I donated).

This is a closeup of the trunk of that little Ceiba tree. You can clearly see how spiny the thorns are all over the trunks of these sacred trees.

Valladolid

When I arrived in Valladolid, all of the private rooms were full. Ewot kindly let me sleep in this room, a room which was temporarily out-of-service, one being prepared to be converted into a private room.

I slept on the bottm bunk of this bunk bed. I had this tiny window in the doorway that overlooks the park.

A view taken from my bunk, looking back toward the doorway which is covered with a thin sheet. Note my red backpack on the bottom right … it was heavy (about 58 pounds).

The view from my window, looking down on the Candelaria Park.

The view from the hallway, looking into my room as night begins to fall. As you can see, that thin little sheet did not give me a lot of privacy.

The steep narrow stairway leading from my upstairs room down to the lobby/entrance.

A typical view in Valladolid. The entire city has a theme of pastel colors. This particular photo was taken from the park by my hostel.

The entrance to the hostel.

Another view of the park. I just love that huge tree on the right.

Part of the garden area behind the hostel — beautifully landscaped.

Two of my favorite two things at the Hostel La Candelaria. Bobby (right) and Kalugin (left).

Making toast the old-fashioned way, on a toaster plate atop a gas stove. This kitchen area is out in the back yard of the hostel.

My yummy toast — topped with butter and abundant honey.

My dear friend Conny — from Germany. She has been living in Oxaca, Mexico and her trip for a visit home to Germany perfectly coincided with my own. She is the friend who told me all about her travels in Central America, gave me her tour book … and just happened to mention “Oh, there is a place at Lake Atitlan that you might like … a little place called San Marcos.”

Not-so-great photo of me with Kalugin, just after breakfast. There were lots of mosquitos out, so I kept my scarf handy …

A very curious Kalugin :)))

Cozumel

For some reason, I never got my camera out while in Cozumel this time … except for Thursday morning when I rode the ferry over to Playa Del Carmen to meet my friend Rafael and to then go with him to Cancun to meditate with his teacher …

This photo is the ferry terminal in Cozumel as my ferry prepares to pull away.

Some of the beautiful turquoise Caribbean waters just off the shoreline of Cozumel, looking out toward open sea.

Looking back toward Cozumel as the ferry pulls further away.

On the top of the boat, again looking back toward Cozumel. You can still see the ferry terminal just right of center.

Playa Del Carmen

Some of the beautiful white sandy beaches of Playa Del Carmen, as seen from the ferry.

Taken while barefoot on the beach, looking back at the blue and yellow ferry in Playa Del Carmen. This was my first and only beach time during this trip to Cozumel. I did spend some time snorkling in Cozumel (with Jaydee and two other women) but the beach where we entered/exited the water was quite rocky …

Salt Lake City

:)  … It seems that I did not take one single photo while in the Salt Lake City area (other than some hiking shots which I include later).

North Rim Of The Grand Canyon

On August 10, I began a twelve-day road trip, with my first destination being the north rim of the Grand Canyon.

Hiking along one of the trails.

Some of the beautiful scenery.

This trail is right near the visitor’s center … hiking out onto a narrow point that has gorgeous views in all directions.

As I post these, I realize that they are all of the same general area — differing views from this first trail that leads out from the visitor’s center.

A slightly different view of the beautiful nature around the Grand Canyon.

One of my favorite hikes was at the end of the road that runs east of the visitor’s center. If I remember right it was about an hour away. If you look closely, you can see that the rock in the center has a small window in the middle. I thoroughly enjoyed walking out on top of this natural bridge/arch … and enjoyed even more just sitting right here, meditating with this beautiful view in front of me.

Another view from this end of the park.

If you look closely in the top upper left portion of this photo, you can see a tiny portion of the Colorado in the canyon far below.

Zooming in to the view of the Colorado river far below.

The park ranger in this photo (far left) was letting people look through binoculars on a tripod, staring down at the river far below, then showing people large photo spreads of the huge rapids on this stretch of the river. Aparently it is a favorite river-rafting area.

And another view from on top of this narrow rock with an arch/window in it.

About 45 minutes later, I found myself at this view area, enjoying yet another meditation.

My little 2006 Toyota Camry, parked near an observation point. I cannot quite get myself to sell her, and I am so grateful that she was available during this summer trip. She is now back in storage, awaiting further decisions.

And another view from where my car was parked.

I love this view …

And one final view before returning to my tent at Jacob’s Lake — about a 45 minute drive to the north, back on the main highway. Along the way, I picked up some free firewood along a dirt road in a burn area (outside of the national park boundaries).

My campsite at Jacob’s Lake. I have had this little 10×10 tent for about fifteen years. It is still going strong.

As nightfall approached, I made a huge campfire with my gathered wood. I enjoyed it for several hours, during which time a couple of my neighbors stopped by to visit. They couldn’t believe that a single woman was out here camping all by herself … :0)

Sedona Arizona

After leaving my campground early the next morning, I first drove east to this river crossing at Marble Canyon. I am taking this photo from a separate pedestrian bridge. What a beautiful bridge and river crossing.

Looking upstream from the pedestrian bridge at Marble Canyon. This is the Colorado River below Lake Powell, flowing from Utah on its way toward the Grand Canyon.

Thursday afternoon and Friday morning, I shared beautiful meditative space with my friend Barbara, who lives and works at a retreat center near Sedona. Thursday evening, we went swimming in a beautiful red-rock surrounded stream. Friday morning we took a long hike, in the hot sun, up Boynton Canyon — an area said to be one of the energy vortexes in the Sedona area.

My friend Barbara as we prepare to leave for our all-morning hike.

One view along the beautiful trail.

After a couple of hours we decided to stop in a shady area and meditate for a while. This is Barbara meditating.

And me meditating … still dragging that little blue scarf around to keep the critters off :)

Barbara and I with the camera on a rock …

This beautiful butterfly posed for us as we later hiked back to the trailhead.

Phoenix/Scottsdale Arizona

Oops … another place where I didn’t take any photos at all.

Oceanside, California

Before visiting my Niece in San Diego, I had three days to explore on my own. I spent the first half day cycling through an ego loop before deciding to follow my heart. Soon I had checked into an inexpensive motel in the Oceanside, CA area, enjoying all the beach time I wanted.

On Tuesday afternoon, after spending a couple of hours meditating on the beach, I decided to check out the Oceanside pier.

I did not meditate in these crowds near the pier, I did that about five miles further down the beach to the south, where it was not quite as crowded.

A gull taking off from the edge of the pier. I am about 3/4 the way out to the end of the pier at this point. Note how far away the beach is. This is a long pier.

Looking back toward shore.

My favorite photo on the pier. You’ll have to click on the photo to see the whole bird.

Many surfers were enjoying a leisurely afternoon as they caught a few waves next to the pier.

Here’s one up on his board.

San Diego

Oops … yet again no photos here :o)))

Uintah Mountains

A couple of weeks after my road trip, I spent a few outings hiking along a trail in the Uintah Mountains — one of my favorite spots to go when in that neck of the woods.

These thistle flowers just fascinate me. I love this one.

And another flower that dazzles me … almost like an optical illusion. You’ll have to click on the photo and enlarge it to get the full effect.

It was not until later I noticed the little white spider crawling on the lower half of the flower.

One of my favorite trails on which to hike. It is easy to get to, quite isolated, and only a short hike to isolation.

Another view on the trail.

A noisy little stream runs all along most of the trail.

Another portion of the trail … this part nestled among the Aspen trees.

A cute little butterfly paused to pose.

Another less-wooded area through which I walked … but I just love the flowers.

A view of the gorgeous Uintah Mountains as seen from the trail.

Antigua, Guatemala

After an amazing final-fifteen days in Utah, my plane touches down in Guatemala City. A couple hours later I am passing time in the central plaza of Antigua. I didn’t get my camera out in time to capture the whole show. There were many jugglers and carnival-like performances that I did not capture on film.

After the jugglers, this mime came out to entertain the crowd. I found it quite humorous to watch a young Guatemalan man play Charlie Chaplan.

Part of the crowd watching the show. I was quite impressed with these young men in dark suits. I don’t know if they are part of a local business school, or if this is a school uniform or something. It is definitely not common to see Guatemalan young men dressed so elegantly.

I did manage to capture one of the jugglers who was practicing after the show ended.

Lake Atitlan Water Levels

For those who have followed past posts, I have found it quite fascinating to track the water levels here at the lake during these last two rainy seasons. In fact, last week I had to wait for a half hour in Panachel because the boat dock was being rebuilt as I watched. No boats were able to leave until they finished raising it.

I took these photos today, after returning from a boat trip to Panajachel. Eighteen months ago, when I first arrived in San Marcos, the boat dock was down this cobble stone path, around to the left, down some steps, along a path, down a trail, and then out onto a dock.

Now, the water level is so high that it is encroaching on the hotel to the left, and the path is flooded, requiring that a ramp be built above the stone path.

The path leading to this dock (previous photo) is to my right. When I left San Marcos in July, the photo of the dock that I took was taken while standing on dry ground just a few feet in front of me and to the right. Now this entire area is flooded. The wall just behind the dog, which was about four feet tall, is now flooded.

In fact, the area where the dog is walking was at least three or four feet above water level. Now it is under a couple of feet of water.

This is now how the dock looks today. It is already almost under water again (as the rains continue to pour almost every afternoon). The neighboring hotel’s boatdock used to be visible in front of the boat back center. It is now completely gone.

Just a couple of weeks ago, where I am standing was on dry ground. Now It is totally flooded and these ramps are necessary for people to get to the cobblestone path leading up to the center of town. 

These are a couple of beautiful rooms at the Posada Schuman (hotel). I once stayed in a room further up from these. You have to expand this photo to see it, but the lake level is now nearly consuming these rooms — rooms that used to be 15 or 20 feet above water level when I first arrived in April 2010.

When I left in July, the rock wall was being raised to protect the lake from encroaching on the hotel. It was at least five feet above water level then. If you look closely in the middle, you can see the red tile roof of the original brand-new boat dock. That dock platform (now halfway under water) used to be at least ten feet above water.

Lake Atitlan has no outlet. The water just keeps rising with the increased rains.

 

One more angle looking the other way from the boat dock. Chaty from the pyramids used to have a rock wall to protect her house. That very-tall wall has now disappeared.

At the very bottom-right of the photo, is the wall I pointed out at the beginning of this photo blog. It is totally underwater now.

This final photo is taken from the end of the dock, looking back toward shore. This entire area (from where I am to the fence) was dry ground when I left in July. Oh how things change.

I don’t know why I am so fascinated by the water levels here. I have no attachments whatsoever, yet I find the continuous rise to be quite interesting. Even more interesting is the process of watching how the local people just always find a way to adapt and to make things work.

Wrap Up

I have loved my travels of the last three months, and am also extremely excited to be back in San Marcos, attending chocolate ceremonies and writing again.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

I cannot believe I intentionally chose an all-night redeye flight – one including a three-and-a-half-hour mid-night layover in Los Angeles. Nonetheless, as I slide through customs at 6:15 a.m. in Guatemala City, I am eager and excited to take on my next journey. I have the entire day, September 22, 2011, to explore and find my way home to a cozy little apartment in San Marcos.

I have no established plans as to how I will get back to San Marcos. This moment is actually the first time I have ever set foot in Guatemala City. I thought it would be a fun adventure to have the experience of ‘winging-it,’ so that I can later tell my friends how to do the same if they should chose to come for a visit. I know that I could find public transportation on what westerners commonly refer to as “chicken buses,” but because I am carrying two suitcases with me, I desire something a little more hospitable where I can keep track of my valuables.

One thing I do know is that many tourist shuttles travel from Antigua to Lake Atitlan. Therefore, my first goal is simply to make my way to Antigua. I am delighted that my flight schedule has given me the entire day. That should be ample time to stumble through the process.

After ten minutes of wrong turns and misguided advice, I finally find a minivan driver who transports me, along with two other tourists, to our desired destination. At around 8:00 a.m. our little van begins slowly bouncing over the bumpy cobblestone streets of Antigua – a popular tourist stop so named because it literally is the former ancient capital city of Guatemala.

Sit And Radiate

After explaining to the driver that I wish to find a tourist shuttle to take me to Lake Atitlan, he goes out of his way to connect me with a tourist agency operated by a friend of his. I barely miss the 8:00 a.m. shuttle to Panajachel, but am excited when I learn there is a 9:00 a.m. shuttle that will take me to the far side of the lake, dropping me off directly in San Marcos.

Oops – I soon learn that the 9:00 a.m. van is full. There is another 12:30 p.m. shuttle to Panajachel, but I choose the more expensive but much easier option of waiting for a 2:00 p.m. direct minivan that will take me straight home. Normally I would have chosen the Panajachel shuttle because it is only half the cost – but the final boat ride from Panajachel could turn into quite the adventure on a late afternoon during rainy season.

Leaving my luggage at the tourist agency, I soon find myself in the central plaza of this beautiful town. After a not-so-yummy breakfast of so-so French toast, I snuggle into a hard metal bench to simply meditate and observe the unique and bustling life around me.

Over the course of several hours, I am thrilled to engage in many delightful conversations with several westerners who live in Guatemala, and even with a couple of local people. I have the strange feeling that I am energetically attracting these conversations – as if people are somehow drawn to approach me and to initiate a discussion.

Whatever it is, I like it. It seems that I simply need to sit, meditate, and radiate energy, and other people just approach and start talking.

A Contented Heart

It is shortly after 6:00 p.m. when the shuttle driver unexpectedly stops and leaves me and another woman at the top of a hill, several hundred yards from the center of San Marcos. It seems that the lone road leading into San Marcos is under construction – and I get to walk the rest of the way with two heavy suitcases, dragging them through dirt and sand.

But I am so excited to be home that I simply do not care. The entire drive has been filled with interesting occurrences where I have simply observed, enjoyed, and flowed with the unexpected events. First, our shuttle is delayed by forty-five minutes because one of the passengers is nowhere to be found. Then we are delayed for thirty minutes when the driver is pulled over at a routine traffic stop. It seems that his van-registration paperwork is not up-to-snuff. Those of us on the minibus just smile and visit, wondering if our vehicle will be impounded, giving us yet another story to tell to our grandchildren.

Mixed emotions fill my heart as I at-long-last drag my bags through the front door of my apartment – I am tired and drained – yet filled with love and joyful peace.

Minutes later, I am at a local restaurant, hugging various friends who are celebrating yet-another friend’s birthday. I delight in the opportunity to greet so many people so soon after arriving.

But by 8:00 p.m., I am crawling under my covers. It has been a very long two days. I sleep soundly, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I do not wake up even a single time during the night – sleeping soundly and restfully with a contented heart.

Beautiful Friendships

Friday morning, after spending a few hours beginning a long unpacking process, I eagerly venture out on a familiar path – the ten-minute walk to the eastern limits of San Marcos where I then stroll down a steep inclined road before calling out “Hola, Keith, are you home?”

My hug-filled reunion with Keith is delightful as I fill him in on my journeys of the past eleven weeks. Soon, I am also exchanging hugs with my dear friend Isaias as he joins us on the porch. To my delight, Isaias briefly disappears and returns ten minutes later with his gorgeous wife and two-month-old baby. The highlight of my morning is to hold that precious infant in my arms. I missed his birth by only a couple of weeks, and am now thrilled by the opportunity to enjoy his magical energy.

After an afternoon of unpacking, cleaning, organizing, and resting – I am delighted yet again when Keith stops by to introduce me to a young woman who is eager to meet me. After a couple hours of nonstop energized conversation, the three of us enjoy further discussion over yummy pizza.

It seems that I have yet-another beautiful friend in my life.

The Itch Is Back

Saturday disappears as quickly as it begins – a day filled to the brim with more organizing, shopping for food, cooking beans, and simply resting.

But the one thing that jumps out, is literally ‘little things that jump out’.

During early morning meditation out on my patio, I capture and squash six tiny fleas, many of which had already chomped into my feet or ankles. I have new and unexpected visitors – new guests that came to visit while I was traveling – little energy workers that are right on schedule to remind me that it is time to increase the energy vibrations in my feet, to deepen my connections with mother earth.

As of this writing, I continue to avoid my patio, opting instead to meditate indoors. The fleas have now been sprayed three times – in fact dear sweet Miguel is spraying for a fourth time right now as I write these very words. Miguel claims that the fleas are gone, but he is just spraying for good measure – that the little jumpers are most likely ‘resting in peace’ with their maker.

Perhaps one day very soon I will again dare to venture out for a sunrise meditation on my porch.

Quite Perplexed

It is Sunday morning, September 25. After an early indoor morning meditation, a part of me insists that it is time for me to begin catching up on my writing – but my heart is unmotivated and my solar plexus continues to feel painfully prickly. I am hoping that today’s chocolate ceremony – my first under Keith’s guidance for nearly three months – will help me on both counts.

I have loved the incredible confidence-building experiences of facilitating chocolate for others – but while doing so I have been completely incapable of making significant progress in my own inner journey – a journey with a persistently prickly solar plexus that has me quite perplexed – a journey that seems to have been temporarily put on hold near the end of June.

Let Go Of Ideas

As the ceremony gets underway, a sense of nostalgic excitement swells in my heart. I feel happy, contented, and energized, wondering where my role as a healer and an assistant on Keith’s porch will take me. I know that I need to continue working on my own issues, but I also feel a sense of “I should focus more on helping others now.”

During our initial meditation, I note that a new friend is entering into some deep emotion. Quickly engaging my heart, I focus all of my heart energy on simply holding a powerful loving space for her.

“Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts me, “I’m being guided to tell you to let go of any ideas you have about what the ceremony today will look like for you.”

We Begin Again

Quickly, I drop any expectations of being a healer, and simply allow myself to be present with whatever emotions or insights may (or may not) flow into my awareness.

Keith immediately begins working with my friend as she delves deep into fears and anger over childhood shutdown issues.

Immediately a new layer of my own repressed emotion begins to surface. This beautiful young woman’s journey is taking me right into my own triggers – exactly where I need to go – and to my later astonishment, this is exactly where I left off in my own inner work last June.

In fact, as Keith works his way around, working with one person after another, every single thing that takes place or is spoken on the porch seems to be exactly what I need to hear.

Unfolding Clarity

Throughout the process, I sink into the experience of deep and profound fear as I gradually connect to the emotions of my little inner children. Intuitively I know that it is Bobby who is the one actually experiencing the fear.

To my surprise, I also clearly recognize that the fear relates to the terror of fully stepping into my magic – fear of moving out of the known and into the unknown – fear of a three-year-old being terrified that the divine magic is what always got him into trouble in the first place. The last thing that little Bobby wants to do is to reopen that frightening nightmare.

“So this is what this intense prickly energy in my solar plexus is all about.” I begin to ponder with clarity. “Bobby is terrified of all of the magic that I have begun to open up as I have been repeatedly performing chocolate ceremonies this summer. The prickly energy metaphorically represents the intense fear of fully embracing that magic.”

My Teacher

By now I am quietly sobbing, emitting muffled sniffling noises as I attempt to begin working with little Bobby.

“Can you release some of this fear to an angel?” I ask my little inner child.

Suddenly, I remember my work in June where we discovered that little Bobby is terrified of the angels and the confusing messages that they represented to him. As a child, Bobby had his own magical connections to Source. But the religious teachings that he was taught only served to further destroy his magic. Yes, any such religious metaphor creates terror in Bobby’s confused little heart.

Again, I reflect on a profound truth – recognizing that while I may not be working with a real child in a physical sense – that I am indeed working with a real subconscious energy. I need to work with little Bobby as a conscious, loving being – as a beautiful little boy who, in this situation, is actually here to be my teacher.

Gradual Relaxation

Feeling greatly humbled, I spend considerable time attempting to connect personally to dear sweet Bobby’s energy. I ask Sharon (my other little inner child) to hold his hand while I seek his permission to have a real, unconditionally loving angel assist him in the emotional energy release process.

Being intimately connected, I sense Bobby’s intense nervousness – his hesitance and resistance to my request. Finally when I ask if we can have the angel stand about twenty feet away, I sense Bobby’s energy reluctantly agree.

The process is extremely slow, but I delight in the fact that as I bring in higher energy I am gradually able to feel some relaxation in my solar plexus.

A Three Year Old ME

As another woman on the porch begins to talk about anger, I immediately feel an intense shift in the focus of my own emotional release.

“Bobby is extremely angry.” I suddenly realize with profound clarity. “He is angry about having been shutdown as a child, and his fears of opening are also intertwined with angry emotions about what will happen if he does open.”

As I experience the sensation of little Bobby’s intense anger, I begin to feel considerable nausea. I literally feel as if I physically need to vomit out the angry feelings that are now swarming like angry bees in my solar plexus.

As I experience this unpleasant sensation of nausea, deep muffled sobs resume while tissues again begin to pile up on the ground beside me. This process of subdued sobbing continues for over thirty minutes as Keith continues to work his way around the porch. Meanwhile, every other person’s emotional work continues to trigger me, perfectly stimulating more layers of my buried emotion to surface, taking me deeper and deeper.

My intuitions are profoundly clear. The emotions I am experiencing are those of a frightened and angry three-year-old ME.

A Never-Ending Process

As new painful emotional waves continue to surface and flow, I remain focused on encouraging Bobby to release these painful emotions to that intimidating angel who is still patiently standing about twenty feet away.

The intensity of my tearful emotional release totally shocks me. I am so deep in my pain, that as Keith conducts an “empath training” with others in the group, I half expect him to choose me as a subject who needs their assistance.

I feel lost and incapable of dealing with this much powerful emotion. I want to release it in the only way I trust – through intense waves of physical tears – but part of me senses that today will be different.

As things progress, Keith continues to leave me on my own in this process, visibly ignoring my tearful release – and I know it is all for a deeply inspired reason.

Meanwhile, I continue to partner with higher energies, slowly moving anger into the light. It is a very tedious and seemingly never-ending process.

Couple Connections

As Keith next begins to work with a young couple, coaching them in how to share healing energy with each other, my inner resistance begins to swell. I have never connected with this particular process, considering it to be somewhat a waste of my time.

Suddenly, I recognize that this process is indeed my own creation – it is for me – it is exactly what I need in order to heal the ongoing inner battle between masculine and feminine energies – a battle that continues to silently rage inside of me – a battle I had also mostly forgotten about during this long summer.

As I connect with Sharon and Bobby, my little inner children, I am shocked to sense a feeling of ongoing inner hatred between the two of them. Little Sharon continues to resent her repressed image of distorted, out-of-control, dominating masculine energy – little Bobby continues to resent the feminine that so lovingly shut him down and locked him away.

As Keith continues to work with the beautiful couple on the other side of the porch, I begin to work with my own beautiful internal couple – little Bobby and Sharon – gently encouraging them to hold hands and to share loving energy with each other.

The Ultimate Key

As I start this process, I am shocked by intensity of emotion that I feel directed toward the concept of ugly masculine energy. As I continue forward, I again sink into new waves of tears while imagining little Bobby attempting to send loving energy to Sharon and vice-versa. Wave after wave of insights flood my mind as I recognize that I am deeply engaged in a process that holds the ultimate key to the healing of my inner energies.

Without exchanging a word, Keith suddenly turns around, and from six feet away, he smiles a huge smile before giving me a huge thumbs-up. It never ceases to amaze me how Keith somehow knows what is going on at an energetic level, even when no words are being spoken.

New Perspectives

Finally, Keith stops what he is doing, and comes over to sit on the ground right next to me.

“Is there anyone in the group who needs help with anything?” Keith soon asks.

Meanwhile, my head is still bent forward as waves of mild tearful release continue to flow. As I overhear Keith’s words, I know they are aimed right at me. I take a deep breath, allow a semi-audible sigh to emanate from my mouth, and wipe another tear or two away from my eyes.

“All right,” Keith giggles. “We’ll work with Brenda.”

I quickly begin to share my profound journey of emotional release and unfolding insights – sharing my experiences of fear, then anger, then couple/relationship stuff – excitedly announcing how everything today seems beautifully orchestrated just for me.

Keith suddenly interrupts me, instructs me to close my eyes, and guides me into a deep, calming, peaceful meditation.

While meditating, I continue to feel amazed by how I am once again experiencing the emotions of childhood shutdown through an entirely new perspective, a completely new set of energetic eyes.

The Wind Knocked Out

To my surprise, without helping me to achieve any final resolution to my emotions, Keith again quickly moves on to work with others.

Even more dismaying is that I suddenly experience the physical sensation as if someone had just kicked me in the stomach, knocking all of the air out of me.

I briefly interrupt Keith, sharing details of this new metaphor that is now painfully consuming me.

“Brenda,” Keith lovingly explains, “in some cultures, air and breath are considered to be the same as Spirit.”

It suddenly makes sense to me. My body is metaphorically showing me that my Spirit was literally ‘kicked out of me’ when I was a tiny child.

Soul Retrieval

As if on cue, Keith then turns to work with one of my beautiful friends, coaching her through a process that in the shamanic world is often called “soul retrieval.”

Keith explains it beautifully, sharing that when we are younger, when a traumatic event happened that might have damaged some of our pure loving energy, we pushed that portion of our self outside of ourselves, giving it to our own Higher Energies for safekeeping. Then, when we are older and ready for that energy to come back, our Higher Self can return it to us in an unharmed, unscarred state.

In the old-age shamanic paradigm, it is the shaman who battles the demon and returns the piece of your soul back to you. In this beautiful new-age model, we ourselves are empowered by the fact that when the time is right, we can simply ask our own higher energies to return portions of our soul back to us.

A Well-Intentioned Mold

Again, I immediately recognize that what Keith is doing with my friend, is in reality perfectly orchestrated just for me. The powerful metaphor of feeling as if my air was ‘kicked out of me’ is telling me that portions of my Spirit literally were kicked out of me, and that now is the time to bring some of that energy back to where it belongs.

While intuitively focusing on bringing a flow of energy up from my solar plexus into my heart, I begin to feel my heart-center fill with power and light as my stomach region gradually reduces in pain. In remarkable balance, the stronger that my heart becomes, the less pain I experience in my solar plexus.

The energy filling my heart feels familiar, like a breath of fresh air finally returning to a place from which it was once lost.

Intuitions clearly flood my awareness, indicating that this “Spirit,” that is now returning to my heart, was forced out of me by loving parents – parents who were doing a beautiful job of raising a well-behaved and faithful Mormon boy. At that age, in that culture, there was no room for anything that did not conform to the well-intentioned mold into which my little soul was being lovingly coerced.

Looking In The Mirror

For most of fifteen minutes, I feel this beautiful energy gradually fill my heart while the present layer of pain in my solar plexus fades to nothingness.

As the process finishes, my memory suddenly flashes to the face of a beautiful five-year-old boy with whom I was privileged to have some interaction while In Utah. This incredible young man is intensely emotionally sensitive. His beautiful loving parents do everything they can to make him feel better – but try as they might, they can simply not understand why he is crying, and he ends up being lovingly punished (privileges withheld, etc.) for his uncontrollable emotional outbursts.

“That little boy is just like me at that age.” I suddenly exclaim to Keith as I recognize that I am literally looking in a mirror, seeing myself at age five.

Beautiful Perspective

“His parents love him so much.” I share with Keith. “Their intentions are unquestionably pure as they diligently strive to love him and teach him to be an emotionally stable and happy little Mormon boy.”

“That is exactly the same thing that I did to my own children.” I further add as my eyes again begin to fill with tearful sadness. “Wow, not only did it happen to me, and I did it to my own children … but now I am witnessing it first-hand as it happens to another beautiful young man while I can do nothing but watch.”

For a few minutes as I energetically connect to the young boy, I feel his emotional pain. The experience sheds great clarity onto my own deep emotional confusion as a child – onto my own inability to stop crying while my mother so lovingly attempted to help me to quiet my own uncontrollable tears.

“Wow,” I exclaim with wonder, “what a beautiful perspective that has imprinted itself on my heart today.”

A Renewed Passion

Several of us remain in animated conversation after the beautiful chocolate ceremony reaches conclusion. I feel energized by the amazing sequence of events that unfolded so synchronously on the porch today. Everything that happened … and I do mean everything … literally seems as if it was orchestrated specifically to push me along in my own personal healing journey.

“It is time for me to begin writing again.” I confidently proclaim as the afternoon sun begins to set over Keith’s porch.

A renewed passion swells powerfully in my heart.

I have thoroughly enjoyed my break from writing – but I am now quite eager to begin again.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

It seems like years since I have had the freedom to sit behind the steering wheel and to simply drive … well, actually … it really has been a couple of years, LOL.

On Wednesday morning, August 10, 2011, I am on the road by 6:30 a.m. with the sunroof wide open as I cruise down the freeway in the crisp morning air. By midday, I find myself setting up a tent in a beautiful little campground at Jacob’s Lake, a small town about a thirty-minute drive from the North Rim of the Grand Canyon.

The whole day feels like play – from driving like the wind, setting up a tent surrounded by pine trees, eating lunch at a picnic table, cruising through high-mountain meadows, and hiking along the ridges of deep, treacherous canyons, taking in the breathtaking views of one of this world’s most beautiful natural wonders.

Eager to inhale every drop of the Grand Canyon’s energizing life force, I hike and meditate on numerous short trails and lookout points, refusing to leave this amazing place until shortly before sundown.

But the fun does not end there. While reveling in the dancing heat of a large campfire, I enjoy delightful conversation as two campground neighbors take turns coming over for short visits.

As the campfire fades to an orange glow, my heart glows with inner energy while I study the breathtaking skies above me.

Red-Rock Wonder

Early Thursday morning, I am right back on the road, first heading east past gorgeous red-rock cliffs before eventually crossing the Colorado River and heading south.

A few hours later, as I pass a turnoff for the South Rim of the Grand Canyon, I am now in unfamiliar territory experiencing the excitement of exploring new places.

Flagstaff, nestled high in the mountains, is more beautiful than I ever imagined. I take advantage of this gorgeous town to refuel – filling both my car and my hungry tummy – before again resuming my eager journey southward.

Soon, I am enjoying one of the delightful benefits of living in San Marcos – that of making friends from all over the world. I giggle with joy as I hug and reconnect with a dear San Marcos friend, a beautiful woman who works and lives in a retreat center near Sedona, Arizona.

Over the next twenty-four hours, my heart fills with love as the two of us share energizing conversation while swimming, hiking, and meditating together among the high-vibrational landscapes of the red-rock beauty of Sedona.

Giggling With Anticipation

By early Friday afternoon, I am again driving southbound. After several teasing attempts at my first visit to the Phoenix area, I am finally going to have the opportunity to reconnect with my dear friend Susan.

I can only giggle as I realize I do not even know my friend’s family – I have never met her husband, and have only been briefly introduced to her beautiful daughters. My friendship with Susan goes back several years – but has been mostly limited to sharing magical space together in Spiritual retreats and gatherings.

But for some reason, I feel an incredibly deep bond with this beautiful friend. She is the same magical being who came to my home on August 8, 2008 at 8:08 p.m. to perform an energy cleansing on my home – a beautiful experience that energized my soul and greatly facilitated a synchronous and rapid sale of my home during the heart of a falling economy. The details are found in my blog titled Amazing Freedom, posted Aug 9, 2009.

As I finally park in front of Susan’s beautiful home in Scottsdale, I am giggling with anticipation.

My weekend in the Phoenix area is delightful as I bond with Susan’s family, participating in barbeques, yummy food, swimming, hiking, movies, shopping, and even video games. But my favorite time is that of sharing chocolate and meditation time with my beautiful friend.

I am so blessed to have so many such amazing friends in my life.

A New Charge

Monday, August 15 begins as any other normal day – well at least as any normal travel day. After hugging my dear friend Susan (and her family) goodbye, I stop at a grocery store for a few items to stow away in my ice chest before making an average every-day stop at a nearby gas station.

But as I turn the ignition key to resume my journey, absolutely nothing happens. Confusion sets in when the battery seems fine – the horn honks loudly, the headlights shine bright, but the key invokes no response other than to cause a flashing array of lights to blink on and off on my dashboard.

Thirty minutes later, when my roadside-assistance company shows up to help, I am actually quite surprised when a simple jump-start does the trick. But after running a few tests, it seems that I have a more pressing problem. The intense Arizona heat has drained all remaining life force out of my now-feeble six-year-old battery. Before today, I never knew that extreme heat can be just as draining on a battery as is intense bitter cold.

As I finally drive away from the western perimeter of the Phoenix area, I am all charged up for the next phase of my journey, and so is my brand-spanking-new battery.

Frustration And Panic

I am doing something that I have rarely done in stateside travel. I have decided to spend the next few days traveling without a plan of any type. My niece, Carol, in San Diego is not available until Thursday, and I have three days to simply explore.

Prior thoughts were that I might explore the southern border of the US while finding some nice campground in which to hangout. It seems that reality has a different plan.

As I drive through southern Arizona, I quickly take note that the outside-temperature gage on my dashboard does nothing but climb. Opting to continue driving until I find something a little more mountainous and cool, I can only grin as I pass through a portion of extreme southern California dessert where my thermometer reads 112 degrees Fahrenheit (44.4 Celsius). I just smile and keep on driving.

Periodically I stop and check a map, while simultaneously consulting my intuitions. As I begin to reach the mountains of southwestern California, I more closely consult maps and campground books, but intuitions continue to push me onward. I do have to admit that by this point, ego is inserting considerable fear and frustration, sarcastically laughing at me that I will never find a spot that meets my needs. As I begin to notice the expensive campground rates, ego’s laughter grows even louder.

Finally, as I descend into the San Diego area, my sense of homelessness increases even further when I consult a guide indicating that private campgrounds near the beaches begin in the $55.00 per night range.

To make a long story short, I soon succumb to frustration and panic as I settle for the only place I can find in a 30 mile radius that is less than $30 per night – a private campground in the Escondido area, just a mile from a noisy freeway, more than thirty miles inland from the ocean.

Financial Panic

It seems that the Universe has an odd sense of humor as it sends yet another little experience in my direction. Less than one hour after setting up my tent, I get an automated phone call from my bank, reporting that my debit card has been compromised and it has been put on lockdown security alert. To unlock my card, I simply need to enter the number … and my pin.

In the midst of my frustration and disgruntled judgment at my stupid bank, I punch in all of the numbers, smile when I hear the words “Thank you, your debit card has now been unlocked,” and then immediately panic.

“I can’t believe I fell for that!” I immediately exclaim as I flog myself with self-judgment before quickly calling my bank to have the card cancelled.

In my earnestness to judge and project, I begin to blame my campground host for giving out my debit card information. It is only later that I learn that a mass phishing campaign had called nearly every Utah phone number with the same automated scam.

Yes, indeed, it was perfect timing to catch me in a state of financial meltdown – a perfect lesson sent by the Universe to remind me to let go of my attachments to spending money.

Return To Peace

As I meditate over the issue during the long night, a new sense of peace centers in my heart.

“I was strongly guided to travel for these last few years,” the silent inner voices begin reassuring me. “I received profound peace in the knowing that I need not worry about my finances during these travels – in knowing that I should simply spend the money in my accounts as necessary, trusting that everything is being guided by my own higher energies, and that my only task is to follow and trust.”

“I was also strongly guided by intuition to make this road trip to southern California,” the whispers continue. “Quit worrying about the money … trust your guidance … and enjoy the experience.”

Then the real question floats into my mind.

“If fears about money were taken out of the equation, where would I go and what would I do for the next two and a half days while waiting to visit my niece”

The answer floods my heart with peace. I will check into an inexpensive motel somewhere near the beach. I will simply allow myself to be present, meditating on the beach, reading, shopping, resting … whatever comes my way … and it will all be perfect.

Pure Bliss

My next forty-eight hours are pure bliss, as I do exactly that. Early Tuesday morning I park my belongings in a small motel situated about fifteen minutes from the beach in Oceanside, California. For parts of three days I enjoy meditating on the beach, strolling on the pier, slurping down a yummy ice cream shake, diving into a six-hundred-page novel, shopping for clothes, and even simply giving myself permission to watch meaningless television without the customary guilt.

“I definitely made the correct decision in following my heart.” I giggle inside.

Late Thursday morning, I check out of the motel. I am eager and anxious to engage in the short drive south to San Diego to visit my dear Niece, Carol.

San Diego Delight

How do I describe my love and appreciation for Carol? Back in late 1996, after I wrote a very difficult letter to extended family, she was one of the very few voices that responded back with pure loving support. Through some of the most difficult periods of my life – a time of profound change and heartache during my gender transitions – this beautiful soul set a genuine example of pure unconditional love during a period when I needed it the most.

Though we have not always maintained close contact, when we do connect, that same unconditional love continues to flow abundantly on both sides.

Around the windows in her busy schedule, Carol and I share delightful space for four energizing days, enjoying never-ending conversations, walks in the dog park, a movie, yummy food, and yes … two beautiful chocolate meditations.

To my amazement, Carol has a long fascination with the energy of traditional chocolate – having begun researching and even writing/speaking about the ancient history of chocolate while she worked for the California State Park Service in the early 2000s. I am delighted to be the first to present her with pure Guatemalan chocolate – her first ever chocolate that actually contains the spiritual compounds.

Social Freedom

On Sunday, August 21, ego resistance sends up initial barriers when Carol informs me that we have been invited to a neighborhood barbeque with some people that she casually knows from the dog park.

“Would you like to go with me?” She asks before making her own decision about whether to attend.

“I would love to go!” I respond with pure confidence, as ego fears quickly dissolve into the light of truth.

Throughout my life, such social situations have been one of my biggest fears. Today it is clear to me that it is time in my life to move confidently forward. Those silly old fears will no longer control me.

In sheer amazement, I shock myself by how much I actually do enjoy this final evening in San Diego. As I joyfully and confidently interact with the other guests, I feel myself entering a new era of social confidence – of simply being my loving self while connecting at the genuine heart level with whomever I find in my surroundings.

As I drift off to sleep, late on that beautiful Sunday evening, I am actually quite eager to further explore my newfound social freedom.

Time To Reach Out

I drive with loving focus and determination – pressing forward in meditative peace as I spend the entire day maneuvering through traffic on I15 – an interstate highway that stretches from San Diego all the way to Salt Lake City and beyond.

Eleven hours after having hugged Carol goodbye early on Monday morning, I am again hugging another friend ‘hello’, engaging in a short visit before returning to my comfortable, temporary home in Jeanette’s spare room.

For the first time in my travels, I am now eager and excited to reach out further – to make an increased effort to reconnect with many additional friends. Tuesday morning I begin making the happy phone calls – calls that result in my calendar filling up ever so quickly. I love the resulting breakfast, lunch, and dinner appointments as I giggle and share experiences with long-lost friends.

Energy Sensitivities

My dear friend Mont holds a special place in my heart. I first met him in Sept 2008, but did not fully connect until I later followed an intuitive guidance to schedule a crystal-healing session with him. During that beautiful session, I experienced the amazing gifts of his energetic connectedness. I instantly knew he was someone that I wanted to get to know.

There is no doubt that I will see Mont during my travels, and I hope to share chocolate with him as well, but it is not until Friday, August 26, that I feel a sudden sense of urgency telling me, “Contact Mont today … you will be doing chocolate with him tomorrow.”

After following my guidance, I am delighted by the result. It seems that on Thursday, Mont had reconnected with an old friend of ours – one who told him about her own amazing chocolate meditation with me. When I finally call Mont on Friday evening, he is eager and anxious to spend the majority of Saturday, sharing chocolate and performing a crystal session on me. I love the beautiful results of following divine guidance.

For three relaxing hours, Mont and I engage in meditation and spiritual conversation while enjoying the energetic connecting effects of chocolate. Then for three additional hours, I am blown away by my own energy sensitivity as Mont performs a crystal healing/balancing session on me.

To my delight and amazement, I can actually feel the energy of nearly every crystal that Mont places on my body. I am not sure if it is the chocolate or simply my increased sensitivity to the energies – or perhaps both – but I love what I experience.

Synchronous Spinoffs

Imagine my delight when Mont invites me to facilitate a chocolate ceremony at his meditation group in two weeks – and when he allows me to invite myself to go hiking with him to the top of a nearby canyon during one of his upcoming weekly hikes.

As I hike up Millcreek Canyon with Mont on Sunday, September 4, I am blessed with the opportunity to ask question after question, learning from this spiritually-connected, humble giant of a man – picking his brain for five long hours while listening with fascination as I learn about his own journey of connecting with the light.

My subsequent chocolate ceremony with Mont’s meditation group is a highlight of my experiences in Utah. With deep loving confidence, I intuitively guide that large Monday evening gathering through meditation and discussion.

This chocolate stuff is getting to be quite fun.

Medical Wrap-up

Having no medical insurance, nor any major medical complaints to speak of, I strongly resist a small inner nudge telling me to engage in a some routine doctor visits that will serve to solve a few nagging questions that persist in the back of my mind.

It seems that the Universe needs to nudge me a little stronger, however, as I am finally “blessed” with a mild Urinary Tract Infection just a few days after returning from San Diego. Knowing exactly what I have, I initially grumble about the need to jump through the hoops of the medical profession, when, if I were in Guatemala I could simply run to the local “farmacia” and purchase exactly what I already know that I need.

Once I peacefully process through that initial resistance, returning home with my filled prescription of Ciprofloxacin, I decide to simply throw resistance to the wind and “just do it already.”

To my amazement, the process is extremely simply and inexpensive.

In the midst of delightful conversational bantering, my dentist checks my titanium implants for free, reassuring me that even though one crown has fallen off twice during my travels – that it is now glued on quite securely.

My eye doctor only charges me $40 for a short visit in which he tells me that my vision has indeed improved significantly during my travels. I now see better without my glasses than I do with them. Then, to my relief, a persistent background fear simply melts into nothingness when the doctor reassures me that the growth in my right eye – what some people told me last fall might be a cataract – is merely a common and innocuous growth called a pingueculum – absolutely nothing to worry about.

And last, but not least, my medical doctor only charges me a $70 cash discount price for an extended office visit where he freezes numerous skin growths on my back and gives me a new prescription for hormones without requiring me to engage in any expensive laboratory workups. As you may recall, I stopped taking my Guatemalan-purchased pills last summer after intuitions told me that what I was consuming was simply not good for me.

I am grateful to have finally settled the little nagging ego-doubts – and the whole process only took me two days after finally moving beyond my silly resistance.

Expanding Energy

In Early August, I had attended a monthly breakfast gathering where a beautiful spiritual friend (Erma) asked me to take a few minutes to share about my journeys. After speaking for nearly ten minutes, I politely ended my rambling, indicating that I could talk for hours about my travels, but that I know we do not have time right now.

“Then why don’t you come and speak to our Monday night ‘A Course In Miracles (ACIM)’ group on August 29th.” Beautiful Erma had quickly asked as a follow up.

The words, “I would be delighted,” flowed quickly off my tongue. I am shocked by how easily I said “Yes” when just a couple of years ago I would have been so profoundly terrified by such a request.

As Monday evening, August 29, 2011, moves into the present moment, I am delighted by the ensuing experience as I confidently speak without notes for a full 90 minutes, sharing story after story about the beautiful experiences of trusting my heart and following my own inner guidance.

To my delight, in early September, when I call another old friend from a different ACIM group, asking if I can attend one of her meetings, I immediately have another invitation to speak at her home just two days later.

Both experiences prove delightfully rewarding, and end up spawning five separate chocolate ceremonies with groups, as well as several one-on-one private sessions. I love how the flow of chocolate energy just keeps expanding.

Heart-Warming Words

What was once an uncertain fear is now a profound joy. I love the special times in which I have been invited to spend one-on-one time with my children and grandchildren during these past two months – but I am especially delighted by the giggling times I have had with many of the grandchildren.

If there had only been one single reason for my return visit to Utah, the following would be it:

After spending a particularly giggly Saturday evening playing with two of my granddaughters, my beloved son-in-law shocks me when he looks at his wife, my daughter, and speaks the following words.

“Brenda, thank you for the way in which you raised your children.”

Even now, as I write these beautiful words, hoping and praying that I am not breaching family privacy boundaries, my heart overflows with profound gratitude as tears bubble in the corner of my eyes.

Inexpressible Gratitude

My last two weeks in Salt Lake City are delightfully busy – with eight chocolate ceremonies in the final ten days of my travels.

These last weeks have blossomed in such amazing ways. I cannot even begin to express enough gratitude as I start to summarize the outcome of a totally unplanned trip – a trip in which I simply knew that I needed to go home to connect with family and friends, and to share chocolate with some of those friends.

I do not have fully accurate statistics, but I ended up engaging in over seventeen one-on-one private sessions and at least thirteen group ceremonies – sharing chocolate with at least ninety different individuals, the vast majority of whom I had never met before this trip back to Utah.

To my unexpected delight, at many of these ceremonies I received unsolicited cash donations that not only covered the cost of the chocolate – but which also more than covered my round-trip airfare, and about half of my gasoline expenses.

During the eleven-and-a-half weeks of my travels, I ended up paying for only five nights of lodging (three nights in hotels and two nights camping – four of which were during my road trip). From start to finish, I was blessed by loving donations – Hostel La Candelaria in Valladolid, Jaydee in Cozumel, Jeanette in Salt Lake City, and several other friends/family during my two-week road trip.

And how can I possibly thank the many friends for countless meals that were either provided in-home, or for which the tabs were picked up at restaurant encounters.

Yes, my heart swells with joy, gratitude, appreciation, humility, love, peace, thankfulness, and … the list could go on forever.

And The Growth Goes On

I spend Wednesday, September 21, finalizing my suitcase packing and moving a few remaining items into storage. All of my physical affairs are now fully prepared for a much anticipated return to San Marcos La Laguna, Sololá, Guatemala – a place that I am now frequently and lovingly referring to as my home (at least for this coming year).

One issue remains unresolved, however. Throughout these past eleven weeks, my solar plexus has grown increasingly swollen and painful – energetically poking me whenever I connect with it in meditation. Repeatedly, various energy workers have approached me and lovingly brought my awareness to the energetic blockage – a blockage about which I am acutely aware.

Yet, nearly everyone with whom I discuss this issue is also in full agreement that the resolution to my energetic blockage is not one involving light cannons to blast away the density currently manifesting itself in my abdomen. On the contrary, intuitions strongly guide me that my job is to simply hold loving energetic space for this growing metaphorical manifestation – sending pure unconditional love to my solar plexus while patiently waiting for the answers to unfold at exactly the perfect time.

While I would love the prickly energy to hurry up, I now recognize that this lesson will be returning on the plane to Guatemala with me.

After a beautiful farewell dinner with my dear friends Michelle and Jeanette, I feel as if I am drifting between worlds when my two beautiful friends drop me off in my own car, hugging me briefly on the curb of the Salt Lake City airport, before driving away and disappearing into the distance.

Heartfelt gratitude holds my hands as I turn and walk into the bustling airport. I have a plane to catch. I am going home.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

After lovingly guiding my chocolate-treasure through customs in Charlotte, North Carolina, I quickly check the airport monitors for status on my connecting flight to Phoenix, Arizona. To my surprise, that flight to Phoenix is ninety-minutes delayed. Seconds later, I am standing at a help counter, joyfully asking for advice.

“What do I do?” I ask the kind clerk behind the counter. “I will surely miss my connection in Phoenix … is there anything you can do to help?”

Soon, the clerk transfers me onto a flight to San Francisco on a different airline, simultaneously rerouting my two checked bags. The new flight includes a short layover, after which I will arrive in Salt Lake City at about the same time as my original plans.

As I approach the departure gate for San Francisco, I can only giggle as I note that this new flight is now itself delayed by forty-five minutes. Now I will surely miss my connection in San Francisco and end up spending the night there. I would much rather spend the night in Phoenix where I could most likely visit with my dear friend Susan.

I only giggle when I again ask the ticket clerk for assistance.

“Oh, it looks like your original flight to Phoenix is now on schedule again.” The woman eagerly shares with me. “Run … run as fast as you can to gate so-and-so … the flight is boarding right now. I will take care of all the details for you while you are running.”

To my delight, I barely make it onto my Phoenix flight with five minutes to spare.

“But what about my luggage?” I suddenly giggle after being in the air for about ten minutes. “Surely my bags are now on their way to San Francisco … and they will miss their connection. I can’t wait to ponder the possible reasons as to why all of this is happening.”

I love the feeling of being unattached … of simply accepting everything that happens and of then lovingly searching for the clues as to what the message might be.

A Temporary Home

As my plane draws ever nearer to Phoenix, the captain soon comes on the loudspeaker and announces that we are going into a holding pattern … and that our landing in Phoenix will be delayed by approximately thirty minutes. I cannot help but wonder if maybe I am simply supposed to spend the night in Phoenix. After all, I really would love to see my friend Susan.

To my surprise, however, I barely make my final connection and am soon lifting off yet-again, back in the air headed for the beautiful state of Utah, right on schedule.

For thirty minutes I hangout in the baggage claim area – repeatedly searching the incoming bags from both the Phoenix and the San Francisco flights. Nothing … nada … there are no bags to be found with my name on them.

It is nearly midnight when my dear friend Michelle picks me up in my own car … my trusty little Toyota Camry that has been stored in her son’s garage for over two years.

“Am I really home in Utah?” I pinch myself with eager curiosity.

The whole experience feels surreal, even contrived.

My dear friend Jeanette has graciously offered me a private room in her cozy little home – a space where I can blow up an air mattress and spread out my well-worn sleeping bag – a space that I can call my own for the next nine weeks.

It is early morning on Tuesday, July 19. It has been a long journey, but I am finally here in my new temporary home, excited to discover what is next. Less than an hour after touching down on the dark tarmac of Salt Lake City, my car is parked in Jeanette’s driveway, and I am sound asleep in my comfortable little space.

A Tale Of Two Bags

By 10:00 a.m. on Tuesday morning I am back at the Salt Lake City airport, eagerly scanning the incoming baggage from two morning flights – one from Phoenix and one from San Francisco. To my delight, after 20 minutes of waiting, I hit the jackpot. My luggage gently slides down a ramp and back into my life. Sure enough, it has arrived on the San Francisco flight. My precious chocolate has been found, and it is … well, it is … quite damaged might be an appropriate way to put it.

A couple of straps are missing, having been literally ripped off from my backpack, and the contents have been so jostled around that about half of the one-pound bags of chocolate have been broken and/or partially crumbled. I do not even notice until later, but one of the zipper-pulls on my large suitcase has also been broken off. The baggage handlers on those San Francisco flights must have been having an emotionally difficult day.

For the next hour, I walk back and forth between the baggage clerks for the two different airlines – neither of which wants to accept responsibility for what happened. Through it all, I remain loving and non-confrontational, simply vibrating at a high frequency and asking the right questions. Finally, a loving resolution is peacefully achieved.

Part of me wonders if perhaps my dead backpack is a message – is it time to release my backpack and return to traditional luggage? An inner giggle tells me I will just have to wait and see.

In the meantime, I lovingly spread my badly damaged one-pound bags of chocolate out in the warm Utah sun, allowing them all to re-melt just enough so that I can allow them to re-harden again as solid units – appearing almost as good as new.

It takes a couple of weeks, but I finally discover an overnight package on the front porch. To my delight, my repaired backpack is waiting inside, as good as new, still smelling like delicious crumbled chocolate.

Computer Craziness

I spend most of Tuesday sorting through my stored belongings – finally I discover what I am searching for: An older fifteen-inch laptop computer with cables, an almost new pillow, and a few extra clothes and sandals to wear. After becoming sufficiently sweaty and dirty, working for hours while lifting boxes into and out of a cramped stairwell, I brush off the excess dirt and enjoy a beautiful dinner with several friends.

Over the course of the next few weeks, I ride the emotional roller coaster as I attempt to solve ongoing computer issues – sometimes attempting to stubbornly push the river – other times simply drifting lovingly with the calm and peaceful flow.

First, I must solve my connectivity issue. It seems that the wireless at Jeanette’s house only remains functional for about five minutes at a time. I cannot fathom spending nine weeks trying to connect with the world under such ego-frustrating circumstances. Within two days, I have purchased and installed a replacement DSL modem and wireless router. The first problem is now solved – but ego definitely participated in the process, throwing in a significant dose of stress and anxiety.

After dragging my little eight-inch Netbook computer to several computer shops, I finally resolve myself to the fact that my trusty travel companion will never be returning to my faithful service. I do at least manage to get the data off her hard drive before donating her to a recycling service.

After a mind-boggling search through the new technologies that have surfaced over the last two years, I finally resolve to simply upgrade my trusty fifteen-inch laptop. It will be nice to have a full-size keyboard on which to write when I return to Guatemala. Soon, my new travel companion sports an expanded 500 gigabyte hard drive, and her software is all polished and up to date.

These few weeks stretch me to the limits of sanity as I grapple with internal resistance over the culture shock of dealing with expensive computer shops and retail outlets. I manage to maintain external peace, but parts of me silently simmer in shock and rebellion.

Not Getting Lost

But my cultural stress is not limited to the realm of technology. Ego judgments constantly scream in my head as I encounter higher prices and materialism everywhere I go. I want to simply love and accept, but a powerful ego-part-of-me resists with frustration and anxiety as I silently mumble to myself about $50.00 gas tanks, restaurant prices that are 20% to 50% higher, etc…

Material consumerism, which seemed so normal and everyday before beginning my travels, now seems so strange and foreign. On the one hand, I love the quick and easy availability of anything material that I would like to purchase or consume – but on the other hand, I deeply miss the laid-back life where I can subsist on simple and inexpensive pleasures, needing next-to-nothing for daily living.

Part of me even begins to panic about my financial situation, reminding me that if I were ever to return fulltime to this rapid-pace society, that I would be monetarily strapped to keep up. The thought of having to re-enter what now seems like a futile and worldly rat-race makes me extremely anxious.

I clearly recognize that my budding stress and anxiety are an “inside job” – being my own projections onto the world that I create around me. I know that I am simply projecting fears and judgments onto something that is otherwise perfect, exactly as it needs to be for my continued growth.

My heart whispers that part of my profound growth this summer will be related to finding peace while living in and among this world of illusion – learning to happily function in this hypnotic world without becoming lost in its trance.

Time For Me

On Thursday, July 21, only three days after arriving in Utah, I am approaching a state of full emotional meltdown. While not having made any official plans, I have become quite attached to the idea of going on a two-week road trip next week to visit a couple of friends in Arizona, and California.

It seems that everything is stressful and falling apart and I can barely keep my head above the rough emotional waves. Later Thursday evening, as I blubber through my tears while talking on the phone to Susan, my friend in the Phoenix area, she makes one point perfectly clear.

“Brenda,” Susan lovingly becomes my life-coach, “I want you to center and take care of yourself – we will somehow get to see each other this summer – but right now you need to take some time for you.”

Releasing all attachment to the desired road-trip works wonders on my soul.

Peace And Giggles

Friday morning, I take my dear friend Susan’s words to heart. After consuming a full ounce-and-a-half of chocolate, I peacefully rest while participating in four hours of blissful meditation – after which I rest some more while peacefully taking care of several miscellaneous errands.

On Saturday, I again meditate in peace before enjoying the magic of the new Harry Potter movie with my dear friend Michelle. This is my second opportunity to immerse myself in this magical ending to a magical story – the first having been on opening day while I was visiting in Cozumel just last week.

Saturday evening I am treated to a fantastic opportunity to calm and settle myself. It is the birthday party for one of my precious granddaughters – one whom I had barely met when she was two weeks old. For the first time in nearly two years, I am blessed to be around the beautiful energy of most of my dear children and grandchildren. My heart swells with gratitude as I giggle and play with several of the older grandchildren down in the playroom.

My past-year fears about family prove to have been silly, without merit. While still somewhat awkward, the energy I experience when interacting with my beautiful children is nothing but love and acceptance.

Peace and giggles fill my heart as I finally drift to sleep late on Saturday night. My first week in Utah has been quite the roller coaster ride.

Flowing Chocolate

Sunday, July 24, I perform my first official Utah chocolate ceremony with a group of three friends.

Fear and self-doubt knock at my door as the ceremony prepares to get underway. I graciously thank these uninvited ego-visitors before lovingly letting them know that they are welcome to remain if they wish, but that I will not be catering to them.

For only being my second-ever time of serving chocolate to others, I am quite proud of my loving confidence. One person in particular has a powerful experience. Two days later, I break my cardinal rule about not doing chocolate with complete strangers. On Tuesday evening, July 26, my friend returns with his Kundalini Yoga teacher, who in turn has a beautiful and powerful chocolate experience of her own. The following Tuesday, Aug 2, I am facilitating a ceremony of twelve – me, my friend, the Yoga teacher, her yoga-teacher-trainer class, and several of the teacher’s friends.

As I stare around the room, I confidently facilitate a beautiful and powerful ceremony. Fear and doubt repeatedly attempt to nudge me, but as I refuse to entertain their pesky interruptions, they eventually fade away.

By the end of that beautiful evening, I have confidently guided many individual meditations, assisted with repeated emotional release, and even performed an empath training with nine of the people in the group.

It is only later that fear and doubt return, repeatedly attempting to convince me that I messed up, that I made mistakes, that I could have – no, make that should have – done better, blah, blah, blah.

While the pesky little doubts continue to poke me in the ribs for a few more days, my heart swells with gratitude at such a beautiful experience. I faced my fears and I learned that I am fully capable of holding space and guiding a larger group through a beautiful chocolate ceremony.

It seems that I have begun to experience a pattern – one that will continue throughout the summer. After sharing chocolate with one person, that experience lovingly flows into sharing with yet another person … and another … and another.

A Shaman Dude

On Friday, July 29, I follow intuitive guidance – participating in a beautiful channeling session. My friend Trish was instrumental a few years ago in helping me connect with the powerful symbolism of three spiritual guides that repeatedly showed up during several sessions – symbolism that has synchronously guided me through much of my Journey of the past two years.

Imagine my surprise when Trish announces that there is a “Shaman dude” hanging out in my field. My three guides who have been so prominent are nowhere to be found during today’s beautiful session.

“Wow, your wings are really spread,” Trish exclaims as she describes that she is being shown an image of a bird with its wings spread wide to the sides, similar to a common statue of the Ancient Egyptian Goddess Isis that Trish has on her bookshelf – but in this image Trish sees a bird and not a woman.

As Trish talks further about the Shaman dude, she eventually clarifies that I am surrounded by ancient Mayan and/or Incan imagery. She indicates that I have manifested this little Shaman to hang out with me – that he is actually ‘me’ in a different dimension – and that he is here to help me wake up to the Shaman that I already am.

“You don’t need lessons on how to do it because you already are it.” Trish continues. “It is a matter of trusting and knowing that your technique, however you express it, is going to be different from that of everybody else. There is no need to take lessons, it is just a matter of doing it … and if you’re not sure what the heck shamanism is, he (the Shaman dude) will show you.”

Later, after I explain regarding my chocolate adventures with Keith, Trish adds, “Don’t get stuck in his (Keith’s) techniques … you are just here to wake up your own (techniques)”.

I smile inside when I contemplate that this is exactly what Keith has been teaching me all along. He is not teaching me how to do things his way; Instead, Keith is teaching me how to get out of my own way, so that my own inner magic can wake up.

Surprise Feedback

I am shocked several weeks later (in late August) when I am doing a ceremony with eight very psychically gifted people. As one well-known psychic in the Salt Lake Area is talking to me, she suddenly begins to directly refer to me as being a Shaman.

“Whoa,” I exclaim with a resistant smile, “I am not a Shaman yet. Yes, I have been told that I have a Shaman dude hanging out with me … but I am still working on connecting with him and in waking up that magical awareness.”

“I am calling you a Shaman because I can see him hanging out with you, right there.” The woman replies as she points above my right shoulder.

Another extremely intuitive young man quickly interrupts and adds, “Actually, I see two Shamans, one on each side of you.”

“Yeah, so do I,” yet another very connected man adds as he too nods his head.

I am blown away!

How I wish that I could actually feel a discernable personal connection with this Shaman dude that is me. I find it hard to deny, since four different people have now confirmed that they can see his/their energy in my field. I am excited to further explore the opening of this intimate awareness as my own inner magic continues to blossom.

Watch And Learn

The final weekend in July brings two amazing confidence-building experiences with chocolate.

In the first, while sharing chocolate with a dear friend, I am shocked when she suddenly takes over the ceremony while I simply hold space with my jaw half-way to the floor.

The chocolate has taken her to such a deep state of connection with her guides that she is communicating directly with them. For more than an hour, she fills me in on her amazing journey as she tells me what they are doing, where they are doing it, and why they are doing it – things like rearranging energy in her field, clearing out old unnecessary baggage, and filling her with more light, etc…

I simply watch and learn, as my loving confidence soars.

When Is It My Turn?

Later that same day, I am sharing chocolate with two other dear friends. After what turns out to be a very different, but confidence-building ceremony, I offer to drive one friend home. When I drop her off at 9:00 p.m., I indicate that I am starved, and am going out for a roast-beef sandwich.

Instantly, my dear friend offers to come with me. To my shock, about thirty minutes into our yummy dinner conversation, my dear friend suddenly shifts into some type of self-realization/other-dimension experience.

To both her amazement, and to my own, she begins to talk about herself in the third person and shares wonderful beautiful insights about how she suddenly sees the truth about the divine loving being of light that she is. We are both shedding joyful tears as this conversation goes deeper and deeper over the next half hour.

“I am so jealous.” I lovingly express to my dear friend when her beautiful experience is nearing an end. “When is it my turn? My friends are lighting up and here I am, continuing to struggle to feel and connect with my own higher guidance in a more concrete way.”

A Safe And Loving Environment

“I don’t know where this is coming from,” my dear friend then begins to speak as if channeling, “but I’m being guided to tell you that your role is to hold space for others, to help them quiet their mind so that they can receive what they need to receive directly from their own guides. Your special gift right now, Brenda, is to witness it. Your time will come … but for now you get to be blessed with the opportunity to witness and observe the growth in others.”

As I begin to feel deeply humbled and blessed by my friend’s beautiful words, my mind suddenly remembers a portion of my sacred personal mission statement.

As I sat by a waterfall in July 2004, I had prayerfully sought out a sequence of words that would give a poetic description to my life purpose. While meditating with genuine love, these beautiful words flowed powerfully through my heart.

“I will compose and perform the special music I hear in my own heart, creating a safe and loving environment where others feel inspired and empowered to discover and to perform their own beautiful music.”

“Thank you for reminding me of that.” I tearfully express gratitude to my dear friend. “Your words literally mirror what I have always strived to achieve. My job is indeed to create a safe and loving environment – one of holding high vibrational loving space – so that others can connect directly with their own higher guidance, receiving their own direct answers – their own divinely-inspired beautiful music.”

“Yes, it is a beautiful gift to participate in such an amazing experience as yours,” I emphasize to my dear friend. “And I totally know that my own deeper intuitive connections will happen at exactly the perfect time for me.”

Subtle Depression

It is Thursday, August 4, 2011, as I again reach a point of near emotional meltdown. Two days have passed since my first large chocolate ceremony with twelve people.

I am feeling very lonely and off-task. Feelings of self-doubt, confusion, fear, and disconnection have gradually worked their way into my heart. I know these feelings are nothing but ego lies, but nevertheless, I am still feeling them.

When I came home to Utah, I had visions of doing chocolate almost every day with my closest of friends, deeply assisting in their inner work, helping those I love to have the same types of beautiful healing experience that I have had.

Yes, I have indeed had a few amazing sessions of sharing chocolate with several friends and even a couple of groups of strangers – but most of my first few weeks are consumed with mundane and almost depressing errands – computer upgrades, clothes shopping, address changes, new debit and credit cards, auto insurance, car maintenance, etc. This is not how I envisioned spending my time in the states. I deeply want to do something more meaningful. I want to share my gifts and receive much needed feedback. A sense of mild depression is settling in as I sink further into poor-me attachments.

For one reason or another, my friends have been mostly unavailable, either due to travel, work, family situations, or illness. I wish I could just call up and insist that I am coming over to share chocolate, but I know in my heart that this would be pushing the river. No – I will only share chocolate when it is personally requested.

But I also intuitively feel that a couple of friends are holding back, wanting to do more, but not asking because they don’t want to be a burden to what they perceive as my busy schedule.

“How do I suggest to my friends that I want to share more chocolate without pushing the river?” I ponder in confusion.

It seems that my ego has painted a very sad and grim picture of how victimized I am. I simply cannot win. Poor, pitiful me.

I spend the entire morning simply vegetating, wasting my time by watching boring television, losing myself deeper into depressing thoughts and emotions.

Finally, responding to a feeling of near starvation, I set out in search of fast food.

Know Thyself

But first, I hesitatingly follow guidance to dial the number of a friend. The moment she answers and inquires, “How are you doing?” I burst into uncontrollable tears.

My emotions have been gradually building pressure. The cork has now unexpectedly burst, and the results are exploding all over the place in the form of painful sobs.

My dear friend genuinely attempts to console me by offering several options of what she could do to help me feel better – but I find it difficult to explain that what I really need to do is dive into these emotions – to feel them to the very core – not to fix them by doing something to make them all better.

My emotions are intensely overwhelming and I recognize that I am about to enter an old pattern of self-sabotaging behavior – one where I simply isolate and vegetate for a few days. But rather than losing myself in this experience, I instead make a conscious choice, allowing myself to jump into the loop with my eyes wide open.

Yes, I will go through the same motions of hiding out in movie theatres, crying, sleeping, etc – but I will observe myself every step of the way, giving myself permission to feel while learning about what I do. I will turn the entire experience into an adventure of “Know thyself.”

But my plan backfires in a good way – much better than I could ever have expected. As I walk out of a movie theatre late on Thursday afternoon, I am still feeling the same self-doubts, fears, distraction, and confusion … but suddenly a new round of positive thoughts and feelings flood my awareness.

I am intuitively guided to profound insights that I recently internalized regarding ego – insights that ingrained themselves into my soul earlier this year while still writing in San Marcos.

“I am a divine being, of divine origin.” I remind myself with loving confidence. “I know this to be true. Any voice that tells me I am separate, small, stupid, disconnected, afraid, or confused – any such voice is a lie.”

“None of those untrue voices would ever come from Source.” I ponder with powerful light and clarity. “Such deceptive voices would only come from a clever little ego – an ego hiding inside of my head, masquerading as me, pretending to be me.”

Giggles fill my heart as I watch all of my former feelings of self-doubt, distraction, confusion, and fear literally melt into nothingness – as if they were ice cubes brought out into the warm sunlight. My insights have resonated so profoundly that the ego thoughts are simply unable to exist when exposed to the light of truth.

Perfect Timing

I can only laugh at how the Universe works.

Before being granted my wish of doing substantial inner work with friends, I first needed to work through emotional issues related to my own attachments and negative self-talk. How could I possibly help others while wallowing in my own ‘yucky stuff’?

Suddenly, the wand has been waved, and my wishes all come true. Before I know what happened, my calendar begins to fill up quite nicely.

I spend the entire day on Sunday enjoying delightful spiritual conversations with one friend while we engage in nearly non-stop inner work. On Monday, I do much of the same with yet another friend. Then, to my delight and surprise, a third friend asks if I will do chocolate with her on Tuesday afternoon.

As Tuesday, August 9, 2011 works its way into the history books, I am giggly and delighted, overflowing with love and joy. Yes, I have ridden another difficult emotional roller coaster, filled with rapid ups, downs, and sharp unexpected curves – yet a sense of peace now rules supreme.

Somehow, I know that I have made it through the major tough spots, that it is now time to enjoy the rest of my summer – to reconnect with more and more friends with whom I have as-of-yet avoided connecting – to further shine my magical light – to expand my explorations into why I was guided to return home.

But first, I intuitively know that it is now time to play. All the pieces of my desired road-trip have finally fallen right into place – and the timing is indeed perfect.

Tomorrow afternoon I will be playing on the north rim of the Grand Canyon.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

The weather is warm, the sun is shining, and deep blue skies reflect my joyful mood. It is early afternoon on Sunday, July 10, 2011, as I step off the bus in delightfully hot-and-humid Playa Del Carmen. I cannot believe that I am finally back where it all started. Yes, arriving in Valladolid literally completed a full circle of my journey through the Yucatan, Belize, and Guatemala – but now I am returning to the roots of my journey, to the place where my guides so creatively led me into the starting gates, guiding me into the journey of a lifetime.

I cannot believe how synchronously everything is fitting together. Two weeks ago, I didn’t even have a departure date or a ticket, and now all of the puzzle pieces are fitting effortlessly into place. Last week, my travels beautifully coincided with those of my dear friend Conny, giving me the unexpected opportunity to visit with her during her own pilgrimage home to Germany. Now, the calendar-Gods have again lined everything up perfectly. My dear friend Jaydee in Cozumel just returned from a vacation of her own, barely arriving on Friday night. It was only in a hasty email last night that I confirmed my own arrival for this morning.

Caribbean Waters

As I walk out of the bus station onto the street, I am hoping to snag a cheep taxi ride down to the ferry docks. I am not looking forward to hiking over ten long blocks in the heat with my two heavy backpacks strapped to my shoulders.

“How much to the ferry docks?” I ask an older man with a three-wheeled bicycle taxi.

Shock fills my face when he responds “35 pesos (about $3.00).”

I just smile and use my eyes and facial expressions to let him know that I am not a dumb tourist and will not pay double the normal taxi rate for a quick ride. As I start to walk away, I totally expect him to offer a lower price, but he never utters another word.

Being somewhat stubborn, and seeing no other taxi options in the immediate area, I begin trudging down the street with over eighty-five pounds of weight suspended from my shoulders. I expect to flag a taxi down any moment now, but the closer I get to the white sandy beaches of Playa Del Carmen, the more energy I acquire, and the more resolve I have just to continue walking.

Finally, I arrive at the beautiful Caribbean shores, at last seeing the crystal-clear turquoise waters stretched out in front of me. And there … yes, there it is … the faintly visible shores of Cozumel some twelve miles away. Only a ferry ride across this beautiful turquoise channel of saltwater separates me from this beautiful Caribbean island.

Computer Clues?

Being that I am an hour earlier than expected, the first thing I do on the ferry is to whip out my trusty little laptop. I will use the ferry’s free wireless service to send Jaydee an email to ask her to pick me up at the boat dock an hour earlier. I do not have Jaydee’s new home address, so there is no way I can even consider taking a taxi.

When I press the power-on button on my little eight-inch Notebook computer, absolutely nothing happens – no flickering lights, no lit up screen, no noises – nothing.

“I wonder what this means?” I begin to ponder to myself. “Obviously the Universe is trying to communicate a message to me … but what is it?”

For now, I draw no conclusions. I believe that I charged up the battery last night, but I hope the battery might just be dead.

Family Of Friends

After sitting on top of my backpack in the shaded loading area for nearly an hour, my face displays a huge smile when I finally spy Jaydee’s little white station wagon. I am so excited to see my dear friend. It has been seventeen months since our last visit. It was a short five-day visit in which I briefly regrouped, one which provided time to collect myself before heading south for a new backpacking adventure into Belize.

Ever since that day, a slight tug of guilt has pulled on me – guilt for having left three large and heavy suitcases stored in Jaydee’s house. Learning to live out of a backpack with limited clothing and supplies has taught me so much about how little I really need to survive in this world of material abundance.

Soon, Jaydee is showing me around her beautiful new home, including a place to call my very own private room. It is only later that I notice the room has no built-in ventilation. Were it not for Jaydee generously giving me several fans for the room, I could never have survived the intense heat and humid nights of Cozumel.

Gratitude fills my soul as I contemplate reconnecting with all of my many friends in the Cozumel area. Just over two years ago, I arrived here as a complete stranger, having no friends here, blindly trusting guidance to uproot my life and to leave the familiar behind. Now, as I return to Cozumel, I have a family of friends with whom I am eager to visit.

I begin that visiting with hours of non-stop catching up with Jaydee. Each of us is eager to learn about the adventures of the other.

Bicycle Bonanza

Monday morning I experience my second delightful reunion – a rejoining with my trusty little bicycle – the little white two-wheeled travel companion that I purchased soon after arriving in Cozumel – the same little friend that carried me all over this beautiful island.

Last winter, Jaydee had it repaired and donated it to a friend – but the friend was unable to use it, so here it is, ready and available for me to ride. I had totally expected to walk or take taxi’s everywhere. Having my old travel friend is truly an unexpected delight.

Continuing Computer Crusade

Having been so tightly connected-at-the-hip to my little computer for the past two years, one of the most pressing issues on my mind is the feeling of urgency regarding my precious little communication window to the world. Hovering in the back of my mind is also the awareness that I have not made a full backup of my documents for several months. Yes, my writing is all on the internet and I could easily retrieve it, but all of my original documents are currently inaccessible and I feel completely cut-off from the world.

After experimenting with power cords and batteries, I am now fully convinced that my computer’s prognosis is much more grim than previously imagined.

In fact, after a brief visit to a local computer expert, the word on the street is that there is likely a problem with the motherboard, and that it would definitely cost more money to repair my computer than to purchase a new one.

“You will most likely be able to salvage the data on the hard drive.” The technician (and Jaydee’s friend) tells me as we leave his office with the unexpected news.

“I really think the Universe is giving me a clear message here.” I ponder in deep meditation. “First my blog subscriptions stopped working, and now my computer itself gives up the ghost.”

“I think I am being told to back off on my writing – to take a break from communicating and to simply enjoy my summer.” I ponder with increasing clarity.

Yet part of me refuses to hear that confusing message. Writing has been such an integral part of my journey. “Not writing” for a while seems absolutely wrong.

In spite of feeling cutoff from the outside world, Jaydee graciously loans me an extra laptop on which I can do basic email and Facebook communications. Yet something inside of me is not even interested in making the effort. I just want to be present and enjoy each moment.

Suitcase Shuffles

Soon, the contents of my three stored suitcases are scattered all over the floor as I explore the forgotten treasures that were left behind – telephone equipment, crystals, clothing, snorkel, mask and fins, books, videos, and other miscellaneous items. By the end of my delightful eight days at Jaydee’s home, I lovingly release the energy of many once-treasured items into the flow of the Universe.

I have now reduced my travel luggage to a carryon-suitcase, a large suitcase, and my backpack. Many of the clothes that I had left behind in Cozumel are now proving to be extremely valuable since most of my jeans and capris from Guatemala have worn out completely, and the blouses all show considerable wear.

Social Circles

I love the social circles in which I participated while in Cozumel for five months back in 2009.

During my present visit, I experience nothing but joy as I re-experience one group after another, including the Wednesday morning breakfast gathering, the Friday night game night, and a newly established cultural movie night.

Add to that the opportunity to share meals with a few friends, to participate in two additional private game nights, and a snorkeling excursion on Saturday. My social schedule during this beautiful week seems to burst at the seams.

I am still amazed at how I originally came to this island knowing absolutely nobody, and how I now feel right at home in so many places.

The New And The Old

As I ride my little white bicycle all over the city, I attempt to take in as much of the old and the new as possible. Something that is new is a huge Sam’s Club and a neighboring Walmart-owned department store. It seems that Cozumel is continuously growing more westernized.

It takes me a few attempts, but I also enjoy a fun lunch reunion with my friends Roger and Agi at the Corona Sports bar. Several times per week I used to walk to their restaurant from the central plaza after spending a beautiful morning writing in that incredible Cozumel energy near the beautiful turquoise Caribbean waters.

But one familiar face is conspicuously absent in my search. Those who have read my Cozumel blogs may remember my sweet seventy-five year old friend Miguel. I wrote many times of the confusing discussions and encounters that the two of us shared as I attempted to use my broken Spanish to explain to him, “I love you only as a friend.” I have only recently learned that I was using the wrong verb for “to love,” giving Miguel the message that I loved and wanted him in other more romantic ways.

Miguel and I shared many conversations together in the town plaza as he gave me a much needed (but awkward) forum in which to practice my Spanish skills.

After failing to find Miguel at his place of employment where he worked as a bagger in a large department store, I finally pedal my bicycle past his home. To my sadness, his red jeep is missing, and a conspicuous “For Sale” sign stands at the gate of the now-empty property.

Twenty minutes later, as I converse with the woman who listed the property for sale, she tells me “Miguel was just a renter there. I have no idea what happened to him.”

Not wanting to give up, I briefly return to one of my favorite hangout spots on Saturday night – the Salsa dancing at the town plaza. To my delight, I find one of Miguel’s former friends there, and he is able to provide happy news.

“Miguel’s son came and took him back to the mainland to live with the family.” This former friend shares with me.

While sad not to get a chance to see my now-seventy-seven year old friend one last time, I am grateful that his family is now caring for him.

“Miguel, I send you my love (but as a friend, not romantic love LOL).”

Medicine Man Encounters

Of course, no visit to Cozumel would be complete without a visit to my dear friend Rafael – the same Rafael about whom I wrote in my “Why Cozumel” link on the “About” pages of my blog. When I first returned to Cozumel in June of 2009, I had no idea if I would ever locate Rafael, or if I would ever sit in a meditation group with his mysterious teacher/medicine man.

Finally, in September of 2009, that wish manifested as reality when I unexpectedly connected with my dear friend under very synchronous circumstances. Those beautiful stories can all be found in colorful detail in my blogs during that era.

Thursday afternoon, on my fifth day in Cozumel, I return on a ferry to Playa Del Carmen. To my surprise, when I finally reunite with my dear friend Rafael, he cannot wait to introduce me to his new girlfriend and partner, Maria (not her real name).

Soon, the three of us sit in the small meditation room of Rafael’s teacher in Cancun. Not only has this beautiful teacher now resumed his weekly classes/meditations, but he now leads them twice per week.

I find joy in a brief opportunity to chat with Maestro Hercules. Rafael’s teacher seems quite interested in having me return for a Saturday class in which he will talk about how to help others without bringing their dense energy inside your self. Does that sound vaguely familiar?

Giggling inside at the synchronous choice of topics, I reserve my response to the invitation until a later decision. I have a very busy schedule before I fly home on Monday. As fate would have it, I take Maestro Hercules’s chosen topic as a message synchronously reminding me that I have much to learn in the area of being an empath. Later intuitions assure me that I need not stress myself by trying to return to Cancun yet-again on Saturday evening.

Unattached Hurry

The speedometer reads 120 kilometers per hour (about 75 mph), as Rafael speeds back down the highway from Cancun toward Playa Del Carmen, hoping to get me there in time for the last ferry to Cozumel. I simply giggle inside, as I experience no attachment to the outcome – totally trusting that whatever happens will be perfect.

While I have enjoyed the trip to see Rafael’s teacher in Cancun, I have had very little opportunity to actually engage in conversation with Rafael himself. He is now so focused on driving fast, that conversation is only an afterthought, other than the periodic reassurance that he gives me.

“Don’t worry Brenda.” Rafael occasionally shares. “I’ll get you back to the ferry on time; the last ferry always leaves at least ten minutes late.”

To my delight, as Maria runs with me, accompanying me down to the ferry dock to make sure I get on board, we note that the 10:00 p.m. ferry is already cruising a couple hundred feet out into the dark night waters. A glance at my watch reads 10:02 p.m..

I simply giggle as Maria insists that I will spend the night at their house.

Late-Night Connections

The three of us stay up until well past midnight enjoying delightful conversation as Maria prepares a late-night treat of delicious ham-and-cheese quesadillas for us all to enjoy. I literally love this unexpected opportunity to get to know my friends better.

As early morning hours tick away, I am the first to suggest that it is late and that I should go to bed now. I hesitate to say anything, even though I am physically exhausted, because I am so thoroughly enjoying the visit.

Friday morning, after more fun and casual conversation over a breakfast of coca cola and cinnamon rolls, Rafael drops me off at the ferry dock just in time to catch the 9:00 a.m. boat back to Cozumel.

Gratitude swells in my heart as I thank the Universe for this additional opportunity to connect with my dear friend Rafael and his beautiful family. My trip to Cozumel would never have been complete without this much-needed time to reconnect.

Last But Not Least

And how could anyone forget Eduardo – an incredible spiritual giant who has inspired me in countless ways. There is no doubt in my mind that it was my passionate search to reconnect with Rafael that led me to develop such deep bonds with Eduardo – and that I was not synchronously guided to actually find Rafael until after those bonds with Eduardo were first firmly established.

On this I am quite clear … Eduardo has and will continue to play a key and integral role in my ongoing adventures of spiritual self-discovery. He is singlehandedly responsible for inspiring me to fly to Mexico City in October 2009, as I faced incredible fears while immersing myself into an unknown and amazing adventure in so many different ways. It was an adventure of visiting spectacular ancient ruins, marching through Mexico City dressed in white, and of spending several days with an unforgettable and inspiring group of devoted Olmec followers.

Then, it was also Eduardo who guided me into the people-connections that facilitated my participation in the five-day “Festival de Chikaban” in November of 2009. That was a once-in-a-lifetime, unforgettable experience where Mayan, Olmec, Aztec, and Zapotec leaders from all over Mexico gathered in the jungles of Ek Balam, about thirty minutes north of Valladolid.

Yes, my ties with this genuine man run deep. I am so grateful to both him and his beautiful wife and children for the amazing growth through which his guidance has directed me.

No Longer Brenda’s Bicycle

I delight in the opportunity to connect with Eduardo on three different occasions this week. It seems that we both have a strong desire to share and a great deal to talk about. During our first visit on Monday, we mainly share stories and reconnect with events that have transpired in our own lives. On Tuesday, Eduardo guides me through an amazing Bach Flower Therapy session – a session also filled with deep spiritual connection and conversation.

Later, on Sunday evening, I enjoy one last gratitude-filled opportunity to connect as Eduardo’s beautiful wife serves us treats of yummy homemade muffins. I feel honored to be a special guest in his home.

Before leaving, I perform one final act of love. After giving my little bicycle one final hug, I gratefully present my precious two-wheeled transport to Eduardo as a gift.

“It is old, rusty, and in disrepair,” I tell Eduardo, “but I would love for you to have it.”

“My wife’s bicycle is very old and falling apart.” Eduardo graciously thanks me. “She will be able to make good use out of this.”

It warms my heart deeply to know that my precious little bicycle will continue to live on in spiritual and loving service.

Minutes later, Eduardo drives me back to Jaydee’s home in his old Volkswagen Bug. As we exchange goodbye hugs, inner intuitions peacefully reassure me that this hug is merely an “until next time” hug.

Jaydee In Alaska

I cannot express enough gratitude to my beautiful friend Jaydee who opened space in her home to me for those incredible eight days in Cozumel.

Jaydee and I bonded closely during my early months in Cozumel. Somehow, our spiritual energies latched onto each other, insisting that we become friends, not allowing us to drift away. Even though we only sporadically communicate when not on the island together, our friendship is of the type where the moment we are back in each other’s presence it seems as if we never skipped a beat. I feel deeply honored to have shared space with her during my travels.

Often, during my week in Cozumel, Jaydee and I were off in different directions, running our own errands and doing our own thing – but when we were together we simply talked and talked and talked – talking nonstop – engaging in deep spiritual conversations that warm my heart.

I am delighted when halfway through the week Jaydee becomes obsessed with a passion that is stirring deeply in her own heart. Something inside is passionately leading her into spending the winter somewhere in Alaska – volunteering and having a heart-opening adventure of her own.

I am so tickled to know that, as of this writing, Jaydee is doing just that. As of late September, 2011, she is now experiencing her own joy, following her heart and writing. If you want to check out her blog, it can be found at: http://jdinalaska.tumblr.com/.

Did Someone Say Chocolate?

When I loaded twenty-five heavy pounds of chocolate into my backpack on Friday evening, July 1, 2011, I knew that I would be serving lots of chocolate to friends back home – I cannot explain how, but I just knew it.

But the fears inside of me were also adding lots of qualifiers – things like “I will only do chocolate with close friends – with people that I know and trust, and that know and trust me.” The thought of doing chocolate with unknown strangers was completely out of the question.

The reason for these restrictive rules: FEAR.

Even though I have profound insights, hard-earned wisdom, beautiful growth, and adventurous experiences to share – even with all of the profound guidance that has gently nudged me forward on my journey – fear continues to keep me from reaching out on a larger-scale basis, telling me that I need to work into things, build trust and confidence slowly, blah, blah, blah.

On Sunday morning, July 17, 2011 – the day before flying home to Salt Lake City – I get my first opportunity to face that fear.

Quit Apologizing

“Brenda,” Jaydee interrupts me at one point in our ceremony, “quit telling me what you can’t do. It is limiting my ability to trust and to go deeper into my experience.”

I am so grateful to Jaydee for having the courage to speak up so confidently. Prior to that point in our little one-on-one ceremony, I had made repeated apologies during our session as I talked about what Keith would do if this were a “real” chocolate ceremony. I found myself constantly confessing that I haven’t fully developed my own abilities yet, and that I cannot do the things that Keith would do if he were here, blah, blah, blah.

Jaydee is absolutely right when she tells me that she is having a ceremony with ME, not with Keith.

“I need to simply do what I know how to do.” I reassure myself. “My job here is not to be Keith nor is it to replace Keith … my job is to simply trust, to follow guidance, and to do what comes naturally with my current intuitions and experience.”

Valuable Lessons

Almost immediately, while still filled with inner fears and reservations, I switch to a style of simply holding loving energetic space (radiating my own high vibrational energy) while guiding Jaydee into simple and basic meditation journeys.

To my amazement and astonishment, she does the rest all by herself. I cannot and will not violate her privacy here in my writing, other than to say that she was able to have meditation experiences that instilled a great deal of confidence and trust in us both.

Throughout the ceremony, I am delighted as I joyfully watch the beautiful experiences through which Jaydee passes, in spite of my own seeming inadequacies and insecurities. By the end of my beautiful ceremony with Jaydee, I have learned valuable lessons in trust and self-confidence.

“Keith really is right.” I ponder with amazement. “It is totally about following the client without knowing or caring where something is leading. If I can simply trust my own inner guidance, I can lead someone into their own beautiful experience.”

Emotional/Physical Questions

Monday morning, July 18, 2011, arrives all too quickly, but somehow I have managed to get everything done and to visit with everyone I was hoping to see – well except for Michiko, my dear “A Course In Miracles” friend in Playa Del Carmen. We tried to connect, but it was simply not in the cards.

I am amazed at how emotionally stable I have been throughout this second week in Mexico. It seems as if my emotional/energetic filters are faithfully working to prevent me from empathically inhaling the emotional energies of others.

Only one thing puzzles me, however. Twice this week I have still gotten quite physically sick with outbursts of diarrhea. I want to say that my intestinal issues were triggered by emotional energies – but the fact that my emotions are so beautifully stable tends to invalidate that theory. It seems in fact that ever since arriving in San Cristobal I have been adjusting to new diets and eating habits – a process that is destined to continue for a few weeks to come.

I can only smile, recognize that all is well, and manifest that things will settle themselves soon.

Magic In My Heart

At 6:30 a.m. on Monday morning, Jaydee helps me load my belongings into the back of her little station wagon. Fifteen minutes and a few goodbye hugs later, I am purchasing a ticket for the 7:00 a.m. ferry to Playa Del Carmen. The ferry ride goes quickly, as does my quick transfer to an 8:00 a.m. bus to the airport in Cancun.

Because of how quickly I arrive, I have several hours of free time in the Cancun airport – free time that allows me to begin getting lost in the next big lesson of my travels. It seems that a small bottle of water here costs $3.00 US, and a tiny breakfast at an airport fast food restaurant is over $8.00. However, I quickly decide that this frustrating ego journey is one better saved for another day.

As I sit in the airport, I instead use the opportunity to meditate. Deep gratitude overflows my heart. I feel so amazingly blessed by yet-another chance to visit Cozumel – the place where my journeys were originally inspired back in December 2007 – the place where I began my present journey in June 2009 – the place that subsequently became a launching pad for ever-increasing growth, spiritual connection, and budding self-confidence.

For just over two years, I have been traveling and following my heart. With one amazing synchronous guidance after another, I have visited beautiful adventurous places, and developed fulfilling and rewarding friendships with loving people from all over the world. I have grown from being shy and timid into a woman who is not afraid to follow her heart and to speak her loving truth. I have repeatedly exposed and faced inner demons while engaging in a courageous journey to truly know myself.

And in the midst of it all, my own inner magic has begun to shine. I cannot wait to take the next few steps – steps that will find me strolling down a narrow sloped ramp leading onto an airplane – steps that will take me homeward bound to reconnect with family and friends, and perhaps to make many new friends.

I cannot explain how I know it, but my heart whispers that for me this journey home will be magical. It is now time – time to give that budding magic in my heart an opportunity to shine.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

I am suddenly startled out of a deep sleep by the familiar rhythmic sound of a loud male voice – a voice emanating from the loudspeakers of the local Catholic Church. Feeling somewhat disoriented, I quickly glance at the time. Surprise fills my face when I note that it is only 4:15 a.m. – a very strange and unusual hour for the local community announcements to be broadcast at full volume less than seventy-five yards from my apartment.

I double check my alarm to make sure it is still set and then make a futile attempt to return back to sleep – but the loud male voice continues rambling in half-Spanish-half-Kaq’chiquel (Mayan dialect) for a full half-hour. Finally, I surrender to the morning as I realize that all attempts at additional sleep are futile.

A Heavy Load

Less than an hour later, at 5:40 a.m., I strain to lift my fifty-eight pound backpack over my shoulders and onto my back. The bottom pouch is crammed full with twenty-five pounds of pure Guatemalan chocolate. The remaining thirty-three pounds consist of assorted clothing and miscellaneous items that I will need in my travels.

Next, I swing a second pack over the front of my chest – this one weighing nearly thirty pounds. This smaller daypack contains all of my precious computer/electronic equipment, snacks, travel documents/books, camera, IPOD, etc…

As I stand on my front porch, attempting to lock my doors in the still-dark early morning, my overburdened legs can barely balance the eighty-five pounds of extra weight that my shoulders are carrying.

Soon I tightly grasp a handrail as I carefully maneuver one-step-at-a-time down eighteen steep-and-narrow stone steps to my gate and the cobblestone path below.

With eager anticipation, I turn one last time and wave goodbye to a now-empty apartment before beginning a slow and tedious stroll down the uneven path toward the boat dock – a destination that lies a few hundred yards away on the calm early-morning waters of Lake Atitlan.

Two Bruises

It is 5:46 a.m. on Saturday, July 2, when I finally park myself on a small wooden bench near the boat dock – a rickety wooden dock that has been built and rebuilt more times that I could count during the past fourteen months since I first set foot on these beautiful shores. The water levels have risen more than ten feet since I first stepped off the boat in late April of 2010. The shoreline looks nothing like it did then when I first arrived.

A light rain from thirty-minutes earlier has left the ground and dock somewhat moist. I cross my fingers and hope that the forty-minute boat ride to Panajachel will not be visited by random downpours. Though the mornings are usually clear and calm, the rainy season is unpredictable and often random.

After enjoying a beautiful sunrise, I am quite relieved when the 6:00 a.m. boat from San Pedro finally arrives at around 6:25 a.m. – more than fifteen minutes later than expected. A sense of nervousness attempts to consume me, taunting me that I will be late for my shuttle connection in Panajachel.

“Breathe deep Brenda.” I silently remind myself as I reassure my logical mind that all is well and that everything happens for a reason.

As I carefully attempt to step down off the dock into the luggage area of the twenty-passenger lancha (boat), my foot unexpectedly slips out from under me as I attempt to maneuver on the boat’s wet fiberglass surface. Before I can catch my balance, I am on my knees, twisted and facing over the edge of the boat. My left upper thigh has taken a big bump on one of the small fiberglass steps.

“Estoy bien (I’m OK).” I smile to surrounding passengers as I unbuckle my heavy backpack and struggle back to my feet. The result of my fall leaves two bruises – a small bruise of embarrassment to my ego, and a large dark bruise on the inner side of my left thigh – but other than that, no permanent damage appears to have been done to either.

“What an interesting way to start my journey back home.” I ponder to myself with a thoughtful and curious smile.

Profound Curiosity

Less than five minutes after disembarking at the boat dock in Panajachel, my shuttle driver has stuffed my heavy backpack into the rear of a twelve-passenger minivan and I am comfortably seated inside. Four young women from London and Wales already occupy a few other seats. By shortly after 7:00 a.m., the second leg of my new adventure is underway. This particular tourist-shuttle will take me to the Mexican border where I will pass through customs before boarding a second shuttle that will take me the rest of the way to San Cristobal De Las Casas, Chiapas, Mexico. Our expected arrival time at San Cristobal is sometime after 5:00 p.m..

As we wind our way up the narrow road leading up the mountainside from Panajachel, I note two strange metaphors in my body – a sense of physical/sleepy exhaustion and a pronounced headache.

“What is going on?” I question myself curiously. “I rarely get sleepy during the daytime any more – and I haven’t had a headache in eons.”

It takes me a few minutes to notice that the four other girls in the van are themselves utterly exhausted. They appear as if they have been up all night partying during their final night in Panajachel.

“Could I be empathically reading and/or internalizing their exhausted and headachy energy into my own body?” I ask myself with profound curiosity as I remind myself that as of late I have really started to feel the emotional pain of others during chocolate ceremonies – and I remain totally clueless as to how to distinguish my own emotions from those of others.

Full Circle

After reaching the main highway, we soon rendezvous with a shuttle from Antigua. Minutes later, the two passengers on that minibus have transferred to our own. A couple of hours later we take on three additional travelers from the Quetzaltenango area as we take a brief morning break near this beautiful mountain town more commonly referred to as Xela (Shay-la).

Finally, with eleven of us (including the driver) now tightly crowded in our seats, we begin the final few-hour drive toward the Guatemalan border town of La Mesilla. Gradually the cool mountain air is replaced by stuffy heat as we slowly descend the curvy mountain roads from the highlands of Guatemala towards the lower elevations of the Yucatan.

As we park our van on the street in front of the small La Mesilla custom’s office at around 12:20 p.m., a quick glance around the area reveals congested narrow streets, colorful-but-crowded souvenir shops, eager moneychangers, and a feeling of bustling chaos.

Inside the small customs building are several Guatemalan customs agents, casually going about their daily business. After a couple minutes of waiting, I have what I came for – a small stamp on my passport indicating that I have officially exited Guatemalan territory.

After all of us have acquired our passport stamps, we are escorted by a new driver to his Mexican van – a van that had shown up a few minutes earlier with a load of tourists traveling from Mexico into Guatemala. It seems that the travel companies find it much easier to simply exchange passengers at the border rather than fussing with the complexities of actually driving their minivans into neighboring countries.

Fifteen minutes and a few Kilometers later, we again find ourselves in yet another customs office – this one on the Mexican side at a small border crossing called “Las Champas.”

With yet another colorful stamp on my passport, I again board the small tourist shuttle. Looking out my window to the right, I take one final glance down the road.

“Goodbye Guatemala.” I silently whisper with a feeling of deep gratitude.

“And hello Mexico.” I quickly add. I am excited by the opportunity to spend the next two weeks visiting my old stomping grounds in the Yucatan, reconnecting with cherished friends and places – in a sense, bringing my journey of the past two years full circle.

A No-Brainer

Several times over the next hour or so, our minivan stops at random border checkpoints where machine-gun-carrying soldiers first talk to our driver before peering through the windows to determine who or what is inside. After each checkpoint, we quickly resume our onward journey. I can only presume that these extra checkpoints are intended to make up for the seemingly lax security at the border itself.

Soon we are again winding along mountain curves as we begin to climb toward the gorgeous highlands of Chiapas, Mexico. Our destination is a popular stopover for tourists – the beautiful mountain-valley town of San Cristobal De Las Casas. I spent several days in and around this delightful city just a year ago – right before returning to Guatemala for my Sun Course at Las Piramides Del Ka.

However, my plans are quite different on this trip. I am eager to move on quickly – perhaps even catching an all-night bus this very night.

But making decisions right now is difficult. My stomach is wildly churning in addition to the unexplained headache and exhaustion that has continued to tug persistently on my body during this otherwise-delightful day of travel.

As we enter the city limits of San Cristobal, I note that the time is 5:15 p.m. local time.

“Does anyone want to get off at the main bus station?” Our driver asks before we approach the center of town.

I quickly weigh my options – those being to crash and recover in a nearby hotel versus to take the all-night luxury bus north toward Merida – a bus that will be leaving the bus station in about an hour. With the confusing state of my physical body, the decision is a no-brainer. I just want to sleep and meditate. I don’t understand why I am so exhausted and I just want time to recover and regroup.

Twenty-Four Hours

“Am I sick?” I ponder. “Do I have parasites? Why am I so exhausted?”

Each time that I meditate in search of answers, the only thing my intuitions tell me are that I have left my little high-energy-vortex cocoon of San Marcos and that I am fumbling around with the effects of being a newly-exposed and still-untrained empath who has just begun to open up her confusing magic.

“Yes, that must be it.” I reassure myself. “I am simply taking on the denser energy of all my fellow travelers in those crowded tourist shuttles. If I meditate I will be able to release that energy – energy that does not even belong to me.”

After checking-in to the same hillside-hotel where I stayed last year, I casually stroll back toward the bus station. I am hoping to purchase a ticket for the first thing in the morning, allowing me to continue my travels with a fresh start. Fifteen minutes later, as I stare at the confusing array of scheduled departures, all in Spanish, I note that the only bus listed north to Merida leaves at 6:20 p.m.. After a quick chat with the sales clerk, my confused thoughts are confirmed. I will either need to leave on the bus in a few minutes (and my bags are now back at the hotel) or I will have to wait an entire twenty-four hours, still taking an all-night bus that will leave me even more tired and sleepless tomorrow night.

Resolving myself to the fact that I will be in San Cristobal for twenty-four additional hours, I hand my money through the ticket window.

“One ticket for the bus to Merida leaving tomorrow (Sunday) night at 6:20 p.m., please.”

When It Rains …

I love the beautiful view from my hotel room – a room high up on a hillside. The only drawback is the steep climb up what-feels-like hundreds of steps to get there. Luckily, a nice young man carries my heavy backpack for me – but it is all I can do to carry myself and my other smaller backpack.

After climbing back down the steps, purchasing my ticket and leaving the bus station, I grab some dinner before stopping at a local pharmacy to purchase some parasite meds, just in case. I run all of my errands at one time, wishing to minimize the number of times that I need to re-climb the stairs to my cozy little hotel room-with-a-view.

An hour after returning to my bed – with intentions to peacefully meditate – my intestines enter a state of full energetic rebellion. This is my first round of such physical mutiny in a very long time. After purging what must have been the entire contents of my watery intestines, I can only giggle with surprise and playful frustration when I hold down the flush-lever and nothing happens.

After manually flushing the toilet with my hand in the back tank, I visualize my humorous plight before carefully descending the steep rain-soaked steps back to the hotel lobby to ask for help. I can only hope the problem is resolved before any additional embarrassing and uncontrollable outbursts.

The hotel owner sends a young man back up the steps with me – a young man who performs a temporary makeshift repair to the flushing mechanism. Realizing that I am in remote-ville Mexico, and that a proper repair will probably not happen until the entire toilet crumbles to dust, I simply cross my fingers and hope I can make it through the night.

It is raining hard outside and I do not wish to take on those steep slippery stairs even one more time.

Hopelessly Awake

I find great peace in meditation, but the peace is not accompanied by satisfying rest or physical relaxation. I meditate off and on through the evening and most of the night, I meditate in between nap attempts during most of the morning on Sunday, and I meditate in the hotel lobby after having to check out of my hotel room five hours prior to heading to the bus station.

Sleep has been fleeting, sporadic, and unsatisfactory. As I sit in the hotel lobby, I feel as if I have not slept in days. I am determined to remain awake so as not to miss my evening bus, making my journey with exhaustion even more paradoxically challenging.

At around 4:15 p.m., I catch a taxi back to the bus station where I again struggle to keep my eyes open so as not to miss the 6:20 p.m. bus.

Finally, after loading my backpack into the bus’s luggage compartment, I slump into my front row seat on the large luxury bus. As our journey gets underway, I allow my eyes to close but I can only giggle as I realize that my energetic nervousness will not allow me to sleep. I will just do the best I can.

Never A Dull Moment

The first four hours of the journey are slow and tedious as we slowly twist and turn down steep curves on our way north toward Palenque. The distance of only about 132 miles is greatly hampered by switchbacks and speed bumps. About two hours into this drive, I decide to visit the restroom at the back of the bus.

After pushing my way into the tiny cramped quarters, I awkwardly close the door and attempt to latch it from the inside. For a minute or two, I fumble in the dark. The room is excessively hot and the light will not turn on. Finally, I succeed in getting the lock to partially latch, but the light will still not turn on. A couple of minutes later I begin to giggle with a bizarre dilemma.

As I attempt to exit the restroom, still consumed by pitch-black darkness and sweaty heat, I cannot get the door latch to unlock. With visions of spending the entire trip in these ‘luxury’ quarters, I begin to anxiously fumble with the lock – working completely in the dark. To my luck and embarrassment, I soon notice that the bus has stopped. Seconds later, I hear the driver attempting to enter the restroom from the outside. He calls out to me, but with thick walls and language barriers, I can understand nothing.

To my great relief, about five minutes later I finally manage to twist and turn the lock to a position that allows the door to swing open. Feeling self-conscious and embarrassed, I conspicuously work my way back to my front row seat.

I am filled with gratitude that the driver stopped in order to run back to get some soapy water to wash down the inside of the huge glass windshields. It seems that the bus’s defroster is not working and the soapy water from the restroom is the only way for the driver to clean the windows so that he can see the dark curvy road through the fog and rain.

There is never a dull moment when traveling in Mexico and Central America.

Beautiful Valladolid

At 8:25 a.m., after ten hours of driving, including several small stops, our bus finally arrives at the city of Merida – a popular travel destination in the northwestern Yucatan peninsula. To my surprise, I have somehow managed to capture a few hours of semi-consciousness, but I strongly hesitate to actually call it sleep.

There are several Mayan ruins and historical sites within a few hours of Merida – sites that I have wanted to visit ever since beginning my travels in the Yucatan. As I disembark from my exhausting all-night bus ride, it is still my intention to get a hotel in Merida and to spend a couple of days here playing tourist.

But as my tired feet hit the ground, I realize just how literally exhausted I actually am. A few minutes later, after weighing the option of spending two days in an unfamiliar city, simply trying to find food and acquire much needed sleep – I realize that my rest, nourishment, and sanity are the only things that really matter to me right now. After a hurried decision and a quick visit to the ticket booth, I instead find myself on the 9:00 a.m. bus to Valladolid – my home-away-from-home in the north-central Yucatan.

Imagine my delight when at noon on Monday, July 4, 2011, I finally step off the bus in beautiful little Valladolid – the very familiar town where I spent three months healing my third-degree burn from November, 2009 into the middle of February, 2010.

I have literally come full circle since an exotic-looking little tick latched onto my foot in the Jungles of Ek Balam. It was an event that synchronously launched me forward through Belize and Guatemala – an event that in a round about way inspired me to seek out a little town called San Marcos, nestled on the shores of Lake Atitlan in the highlands of Guatemala.

A Generous Gift

A huge grin fills my face as I greet Ewot at the Hostel La Candelaria – the same place where I limped around for three months while caring for my burn. He tells me that all of the private rooms are full, but he knows just the place to put me. Soon I am unpacking my bags in a small room that is in transition – once a dormitory room that is now being converted into a private room. The indoor room is still missing a hallway door, but Ewot quickly staples a sheet across the opening to give me a little privacy.

“What rate will I be paying for the room?” I later ask Ewot, having realized that in my excitement I had never even thought to ask.

“You won’t be paying anything.” Ewot responds with a grin. “Tania and I want you to stay here for free.”

The rest of my day disappears in a sleepy blur. After a quick lunch, I am in bed by 2:00 p.m., sleeping soundly until dinnertime. After a quick fruit salad for dinner, I again crawl under my sheet at 7:30 p.m., sleeping soundly through the night. I am amazed at how easily I adapt to the heat and humidity of the Yucatan, while sleeping with only a thin sheet to cover me.

A Complete Joke

At 6:00 a.m. on Tuesday morning, the sounds of loud church bells jar me out of my deep sleep.

As I sit up to meditate, I detach and observe from a distance as my body continues to want to shut down and my mind insists on rebelling. I am exhausted after having completed seven months of nearly-non-stop inner work, including the intense two-month writing marathon through which I have just passed.

I recognize the ego loop in which I am stuck. In fact, I am quite familiar with it. It is the same loop that I used to experience after spending a beautiful day writing, only to hit the publish button before sinking into a mild depression.

“Nobody cares about my journey.” The ego thoughts parade in front of me. “I have absolutely nothing to show for my last two years except for a ‘dysfunctional me’ and a pile of worthless writing that no one cares about.”

“Look at me.” The ego tirade continues. “I am exhausted, I don’t trust my abilities, I am getting overwhelmed from inhaling the emotional energy of others, and I don’t seem to have the capability to do anything about it. I’ll go home to visit family and friends and simply be a failure – a complete joke.”

Time To Play

After meditating through my ego loop, I manage to find great clarity and stability before spending the rest of Tuesday writing my final blog entry regarding my inner work in San Marcos – a blog titled “Listening to My Heart.”

In spite of it all I have managed to pull myself together to finally get my writing caught up – well at least caught up to my final chocolate ceremony before leaving San Marcos. Part of me continues to feel burnout. My heart is demanding a rest from writing – from inner work in general. I just want to play.

An Ek Balam Pilgrimage

Ignoring my continued physical exhaustion, early on Wednesday morning I eagerly hop into a colectivo (shared taxi cab) and pay 40 pesos (less than $3.00) for a ride to the village of Ek Balam. It is a pilgrimage of sorts.

After the thirty-minute cab ride, my first stop is the little “Comedor Maya” – a tiny one-room kitchen/dinning area with very fond memories. This is the pride and joy of a woman named Trini – a tiny little restaurant in the remote Mayan village of Ek Balam where I spent five beautiful days in late November, 2009.

I am delighted when Trini remembers who I am – and even more delighted when she tells me that my little Ceiba tree is alive and well in Kaxan Xul (Kashan Shool).

Soon I am hiking out toward this sacred place. Kaxan Xul is the site of an unexcavated pyramid where I participated in an amazing fire ceremony on the first evening of the festival – the site where I participated in the second sweat lodge of my entire life – the site where I donated a sacred little tree called a “Ceiba” to the organizers of the festival. This precious little tree was given to me by my dear friend Eduardo in Cozumel. He asked me to plant it somewhere in the Yucatan during my travels. On the morning of the fifth day of this amazing Indigenous Festival, with my infected and swollen foot wrapped in gauze bandages, I had tearfully gifted that precious little tree to Carmen, one of the organizers of that memorable event.

Finally, after searching the grounds for nearly a half an hour, I locate the beautiful little tree. Giggles rise in my soul as I kiss the little tree’s bark. It is alive, it is growing, and is already at least eight feet tall. I am so grateful to have been a contributor to the special memories of this sacred Mayan site.

After eating a delightful little breakfast in Trini’s tiny Comedor, I soon walk several miles through the hot morning sun on a quest to visit both the ruins of Ek Balam and the Cenote Xcanché. It was near the Cenote where my third-degree burn occurred – the site where the Olmec Shaman Jose Manuel reminded me of a precious truth when he spoke those words “Brenda, there is a big difference between pain and suffering.”

At the end of the day, as I rest back in Valladolid, I am exhausted but happy and grateful. My muscles and feet are sore from having walked at least five miles in the hot sun, but my soul giggles with delight at the beautiful memories that fill my heart.

A Delightful Reunion

Thursday morning, I am delighted to learn that my dear friend Conny has arrived at the Hostel. She is the same woman whom I befriended in December 2009 – the woman with whom I shared many spiritual conversations – the woman who inspired me to have the confidence to travel into Central America, and who told me about San Marcos – the woman who gave me her Central American tour book. She has been living in Oaxaca, Mexico and is now engaging in her own pilgrimage to visit her family back in Germany.

“How are you doing Brenda?” Conny asks as we share a huge hug.

Emotional Roller Coasters

Embarrassment fills my soul as I unexpectedly burst into tears while attempting to describe my emotional journey of the past week – my fears and insecurities about going home – fears about family relationships – fears about having nothing substantial to show – and feelings of being seen as a fraud for having such out-of-control emotions these last few days.

Soon, as I share breakfast with Conny and Ewot, I find myself simply sitting and watching from afar, feeling disconnected and emotionally numb. After a few minutes, I excuse myself to go shower. Seconds after finishing my shower, I find myself quietly sobbing in my room – deep teeth-chattering sobs of bottled up emotions.

The tears silently rage on for more than an hour. I make no attempt to stop them. Instead, I am determined to let this emotion have a voice – to let it come up and then flow through me. The last thing I want to do is to bottle it up and stuff it back down.

I am back in my ego loops – struggling with “What now? … I just finished two years of amazing travel experiences … Now who will care? … How will I explain myself? … Etc, etc, etc…”

I am feeling isolated from the world. My personal emails were not working this morning. My blog subscription emails stopped working several days ago. The internet has been flaky making Skype difficult if not impossible.

A part of me literally feels as if I am having an emotional breakdown … wondering if I need to be committed to a psychiatric hospital … feeling as if all of the deep inner work that I have done has simply pulled me apart at the roots, leaving me torn and unstable … blah, blah, blah.

Finally, with the help of some good Muppet Show visualizations, I am able to return to being the observer – to being unattached to the emotions that are raging – to return to a place of being centered and connected to source.

Sleep And Isolation

After the flash flood of tears has dried up, I set off on a new adventure. I want to visit my friend Doctor Gomez – the kind man (and now friend) who cared for my third-degree burn during some of the most difficult weeks of my travels. Soon after talking to his receptionist, I am delighted to be seated in Doctor Gomez’s office, engaging in a wonderful thirty-minute chat.

But I am still riding an underlying current of emotion. After more beautiful visiting with Tania, Ewot, and Conny I again retire early. I just cannot get enough sleep and isolation.

Crazy And Lost

Friday is more of the same – more inexplicable emotional struggle – more inability to focus – more inability to connect with others.

After an exhausting and frustrating day, I again retire early, plugging in my IPOD to mask the loud noise from a concert in the park just outside of my bedroom window.

Again, the tears flow unobstructed as I repeatedly listen to many of the songs that have touched me deeply during my travels – especially the song “I Believe” by Diamond Rio. It seems that I am extremely emotional about anything and everything.

As I attempt to find comfort through meditation, intuitions have me convinced that I am still internalizing all of the emotions from others around me – eating and stuffing those emotions into my own energy field – running on out-of-control autopilot – seemingly unable to stop what I am doing.

I literally feel crazy and lost – as if I am on the edge of losing it – of being committed to a mental institution – yet as I drift off to sleep, something tells me that all is well.

Unexpected Guidance

Saturday morning, my emotions continue to run rampantly out of control. It has now been one week since I bruised my inner thigh while climbing into a small boat at the San Marcos Boat dock. I can’t believe how unstable I am – how disconnected from source that I feel.

Again, as I share breakfast with Ewot and Conny, I have a difficult time explaining myself, avoiding details of my emotional journey – not knowing how to explain – fearing that I will not be understood.

Finally, in desperation, I manage to connect with my dear friend Michelle via Skype. After a long and emotional conversation, Michelle stuns with me with her channeled insight.

“Your guides are telling me to have you ask them to install filters to protect you right now from the emotions of others while you are traveling and attempting to stabilize yourself.” Michelle unexpectedly tells me. “Your guides cannot do it without you asking them to do it. You need these filters in place until you learn to do it on your own.”

It’s Filter Time

After my beautiful conversation ends, I return to my room and cry and cry and cry. Once the pressure of my top layer of emotion has been released, I sit up and begin to meditate, visualizing a huge water tank with a small garden spigot at the bottom. I recognize this water tank as a metaphor representing a huge reservoir of bottled up emotion that needs to be released.

Pursuing this metaphor in classic chocolate-ceremony style, I imagine myself filling up a small drinking glass from the garden spigot at the bottom of the tank. As I attempt to pour this emotion out onto Mother Earth, I am overwhelmed with fear and grief.

“Now I am really onto something.” I congratulate myself as I recognize that this meditative metaphor is connecting with real suppressed inner emotions.

Soon I hook up an imaginary garden hose and sit with little Sharon and Bobby by the edge of a huge cavern. We take turns holding the hose while the bottled up emotions are energetically released to the bottom of the depths below. Gradually we increase the size to a fire-hose, then to a two-foot pressurized spray.

This powerful release process goes on for most of the next hour. When I intuitively sense that it is nearly complete, I ask the angels to put the process into autopilot mode while I begin to bring in light energies to fill up the now-empty spaces in my field.

After the entire process feels complete, I meditatively connect with my guides and ask them to please install filters somewhere in my field – filters that will prevent me from unknowingly bringing in the emotional densities of others, at least for now.

New Hope

As I attempt to stand up from this amazing meditation, I am initially quite dizzy and nearly fall over. Soon, I am amazed at how energized and free that I feel – so free that I literally feel like whistling and singing. I have finally been able to liberate myself from the emotional net that has trapped me so tightly all week long.

Conny and I share delightful afternoon conversation while I fill her in with all of the beautiful details about my emotional-energy-release and filter-installation meditation processes.

New hope is dawning on the horizon. For the first time in a week, I am emotionally stable and alive – eager to continue my journey home – eager to face whatever challenges lie in front of me.

Eight days have come and gone since I waved goodbye to my little apartment in San Marcos – eight up-and-down days filled with joyful reunions, giggling pilgrimages, and extremely confusing emotional and physical roller coaster rides.

Tonight I will sleep like a happy and content little baby. Tomorrow I begin the next leg of my journey as I board yet another bus destined for the Caribbean shores of Playa Del Carmen and then Cozumel. Giggles fill my heart as I am consumed by joyful thoughts of returning to where it all started.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

This was originally posted on July 5, 2011. I deleted it because it was causing problems with my email subscription services. I have reposted it on September 28, 2011. Based on how things are going, it looks like this will finally get sent out to subscribers.

Because I have been so incredibly busy – seven days per week of either being in ceremony or else writing for 10-14 hours each day – I have given almost no thought whatsoever to the fact that my apartment will be empty for two and a half months. I would love for someone to occupy my space while I am gone – someone who will help to pay a portion of the rent.

“Don’t worry about it.” Little inner voices have repeatedly whispered over the last several weeks. “If someone is supposed to live in the space while you are gone, they will show up in your life. You don’t need to go looking … just keep doing what you are doing.”

Several people have expressed an interest in subletting the space, assisting me with my rental expenses – and each in turn has fallen through, with the last prospects only telling me this morning that they found a cheaper place.

“Don’t worry about it.” The voices again whisper from somewhere deep in my heart.

I choose to listen to my heart.

Self-Doubt And Discouragement

Prior to the chocolate ceremony on Wednesday, June 29, I share an hour of delightful conversation with one of my dear friends in San Marcos. This beautiful friend is having amazing spiritual experiences while meditating and working with crystals and with the Kabbalah.

As happy as I am for her spiritual growth, I have to admit that I feel a little jealous. Ego voices inside of me begin to rant on and on about how intensely I have worked over these last seven months.

“You are such a loser Brenda.” The ego thoughts pound my head. “After all of your profound inner work you are still struggling to wake up – yet others who aren’t doing the emotional processing seem to be lighting up anyway”.

“What is wrong with me?” Part of me begins to struggle. “Maybe I am wrong … maybe I’m just not capable of doing it right?”

I know that this crazy-making thought process is all an ego-ploy to discourage me, and I attempt to simply ignore the meaningless thoughts – yet a subtle part of me latches onto the self-doubt and discouragement, bringing it with me to the afternoon chocolate ceremony.

What If I’m Wrong?

As I sit waiting for the ceremony to begin, I experience a weird pressure in my head, right over the third-eye chakra.

“What if I’m wrong?” The doubting voice again whispers in my head – as if the voice is centered right in my forehead.

I have dealt with this nay-saying voice through each of my major-life transitions. The most recent time this voice attempted to derail me was in the final weeks of finishing my Master’s degree – in the same weeks where I was finding the courage to travel and write rather than to simply pursue traditional licensure while working in the rat-race at a counseling agency somewhere.

But every time I make any type of minor-life transition, I also hear this persistent little doubting voice nagging me from the back of my mind.

I know that going home for two months is the perfect decision. I know I am not wrong. I know I am doing exactly what my heart is guiding me to do.

“Why can’t these pesky doubting voices just leave me alone?” I ponder with frustration.

I already know the answer. These voices are part of my process – part of learning to know myself – part of learning to trust myself.

Beautiful Conversations…

“This morning I had a beautiful conversation with a friend.” I share with Keith as the ceremony begins. “And now I am sinking into doubts about myself … blah, blah, blah.”

“Back up to your first statement.” Keith interrupts my sharing. “Having beautiful conversations with friends is what you will be doing when you go home.”

Keith attempts to help me understand that my self-doubts are focused around my expectations about going home – but I am stuck and not resonating with his words – actually not even able to fully understand what he is trying to say. My heart is consumed by these doubts and fears, still resonating with the feeling of “what if I’m wrong?”

Pity Party Privacy

As Keith moves on to work with others, I recognize that this “what if I’m wrong?” feeling originated with my childhood shutdown – of not being validated for being my true self – of people-pleasing to get blue ribbons and pats on the back – of any situation in which following my heart goes against societal, religious, and cultural expectations.

As I further explore these emotions, I feel lost, shut down, and incapable of trusting myself. I know these feelings to all be lies – but I am overwhelmed with so much childhood emotion that the only thing I want to do is to leave the ceremony, to go back to my apartment, and to cry out the fear and pain with buckets of tears.

These childhood emotions run very deep. I feel my pity party room engulfing me – all around me – and I am trapped there. I don’t want to leave that dark closet. The only thing I want to do is to bawl my eyes out in order to relieve the emotional pain – but I don’t want to embarrass myself yet-again on the porch.

It seems that the only tried-and-true method of emotional release that I trust right now is tears.

All-Consuming Doubts

When I attempt to visualize myself leaving my pity party closet, walking down the metaphorical hall to join my divine circle of friends – there is again too much fear. In fact, all attempts at self-observation/visualization fall flat – whether it is The Muppet Show, my private movie theatre, or various visualized movie scenes.

“I can’t do it.” I ponder with terror. “I want to cry my pain out first. I absolutely know that tears are the only method that will help me right now – the only thing that will allow me to move beyond this emotion.”

My thoughts then shift back to going home to be with my beautiful family and friends.

“I am terrified of going home unprepared.” I ponder with fear. “I will fail. I won’t be able to show people what I have been doing. It will be just like this morning when talking to my friend. They will all be doing great and I will be completely invalidated for being deeply stuck in my own inner work, blah, blah, blah…”

The power of this self-doubt is mind-boggling and all-consuming.

Hopelessly Stuck

I quietly whimper and release a small stream of tears while Keith slowly makes his way around the whole porch. When he eventually completes his first pass in working with others, Keith feels guided to initiate yet-another empath training.

I am too emotionally lost to participate – continuing to whimper while zooming through the roller-coaster ride of inner pain. I want to pull a scarf over my head, but resist the urge. Sleepiness attempts to consume me and a persistent urge to run home and bawl my brains out continues to dominate my thoughts.

I don’t participate in the training – instead choosing to listen numbly in my pain while stacking used tissues by my side.

Finally, when the training is complete, Keith checks in to see where I am at.

“I am deeply stuck in this pain and fear.” I share with Keith in desperation. “I know it is all lies – yet the emotions are so overwhelming that I cannot break through those lies.”

Assistance Offered

“Would you like to take a turn in the middle?” Keith asks. “Would you allow the group to assist you in releasing this emotion right here?”

“Yeah, that would be nice.” I respond numbly.

But I am so emotionally low that I don’t believe it can possibly help. In fact I don’t believe in much of anything right now. I still just want to go home and bawl my eyes out.

I continue to be consumed with overwhelming self-doubt.

Beginning To Trust

As I plop myself down on a pillow in the middle of the porch, I simply sit and quietly whimper while Keith explains to everyone on the porch where I am at in my process, and just what I am struggling with. He asks each of them who wish to participate to connect with my energy, and to empathically assist me in moving my painful and stuck emotions.

Still consumed with self-doubt, I simply focus on attempting to allow. The technique-less technique of surrendering and allowing continues to boggle my mind. Finally I consciously express my intent to allow while getting out of the way – attempting instead to simply breathe slowly in a relaxed manner.

“Keith, I need your help.” I hear one woman beg for guidance. “I am deeply internalizing Brenda’s emotional pain and I think I am eating it, putting it inside of me.”

As I listen to these words, hearing that someone else is physically experiencing my painful emotion – I begin to trust – I begin to erase a little of my consuming self-doubt.

In the meantime, I just continue to allow – starting to cry even more profusely.

Repressed Expression

Suddenly I am consumed by another overwhelming urge to cough – an uncontrollable episode of coughing that goes on for several minutes. When the symbolic coughing fit concludes, I share my surprise with Keith.

“Wow,” I express through tear-filled sobs, “my childhood expression was so deeply repressed. I was completely unable to express my truth. Attempting to do so simply resulted in me being wrong.”

“These emotions that I am experiencing intuitively feel as if they are from around age three or four.” I continue to share my flowing insights.

Partially Open

After what seems like a very long time, Keith guides my process in a whole new direction.

“Brenda,” Keith interrupts the silence, “there is a door that you need to find somewhere in your heart. Once you locate it then you need to open it up.”

After a few minutes of meditation, I finally feel as if I have found this metaphorical door, but I cannot seem to open it. Every time that I open the door, I feel it immediately slam shut in my face. There is extreme resistance to opening this door. Intense emotional effort is required to force it open, and the moment I relax, it closes with a slam.

“Open a window in the door.” Keith gives me an easier task.

The window I find is of the sliding variety. Every time that I pull the glass to one side, it seems to rebound quickly, as if an extremely strong bungee cord is pulling it back shut.

“Find a way to prop it open.” Keith further guides me.

Finally I am able to visualize a small stick being wedged in the window track, forcing the window to remain partially open.

An Open Window

“There Brenda,” Keith congratulates me. “Can you feel the difference?”

“A little,” I respond. “I feel a little bit more emotional energy flowing now.”

“Where are your inner children?” Keith follows up. “How are they doing?”

“They are sitting in the corner.” I respond. “They are watching me, and are not frightened by what is happening – but they are not helping me either. I get the feeling that they are simply observing, building their trust in what we are doing.”

Meanwhile, I continue to cry profusely, even more than before. I can actually feel the emotional energy moving out of me, through the partially open window.

“Open the window even wider.” Keith guides me.

As I do so, I sense more energy flowing, accompanied by more crying on my part.

“Wider still,” Keith again coaches me.

Again, my participation intensifies, both in the energy flow and in the tearful outburst.

Wide Open

“Now you need to open the door.” Keith urges me on.

I manage to visualize the door just barely open, perhaps an inch or two, with a small stick wedged and keeping it from closing completely. Again my tears step up a notch, along with the energy flow.

Repeatedly, Keith urges me forward, opening the door just a little more. With each incremental step, I sense more emotional energy flow. Constant feedback from others on the porch reassures me that they feel the intensity of my emotional release – an intensity that is shocking me. I had no idea that the source of such “what if I’m wrong” doubts and fears could be so deeply entrenched in an energetic way.

Finally, I feel as if the door is wide open and unobstructed. My emotional release continues in profuse tears as tissues pile up ever-deeper on the ground beside me.

United And Together

“Brenda,” Keith soon guides me further. “Have your little boy and girl go stand in front of the open door. When they look out, they will see an angel in the far distance. How do they feel?”

“They are only peeking around the corner.” I respond after a few minutes of meditation. “They are a little cautious about standing directly in the open, but they do not seem to be afraid.”

As I sense even more emotional energy moving out of this open door, I continue to cry rivers of tears.

Eventually, little Bobby and Sharon get enough confidence to fully expose themselves in the open doorway. The angel is closer, but they do not fear or flinch. We all simply stand fully exposed, allowing these emotions of fear and doubt to be released from our field – doing so united and together.

A Dizzying Flow

“Keith,” I explain in the middle of this process. “I am experiencing a great deal of prickly/pokey pain in my high-heart region.”

“Congratulations for going to this level of release,” Keith tells me before explaining to the rest of the group that the high-heart is the upper area of the heart chakra – an area that is related to the Christ-consciousness energy.

“Now it is time to release the pain in your high heart.” Keith soon guides me. “It is your own densities that are causing the pain.”

“Breathe Brenda.” Keith soon interrupts as he notices that I am holding my breath in an effort to focus on surrendering and allowing.

Gradually I feel the densities in my upper chest begin to bubble and dissolve. Simultaneously I feel a burst of energy flowing through my head, causing me to experience a sensation of dizziness, even in the third-eye region. I love this sensitivity of more energy flowing. It gives me a delightful feeling of progress in this area of my body which continues to remain so stuck.

Unexpected Release

As this very long release process progresses, my tears eventually dry up. But the energy release continues for another twenty minutes with me no longer needing to actually experience the emotions that are being released.

Finally, I begin to breathe deeply. The higher-vibrational energies are at last filling me, as peace and a feeling of lightness fully consume my high-heart region. While my third-eye continues to manifest pressure and a mild ache, the remainder of my head is vibrating. I am amazed at what has happened to me over the course of the last hour or so – at what happened even when I was so stuck in self-doubt that I did not believe it possible.

Gratitude fills my heart for the way in which Keith asked if I wanted some assistance in the middle of the porch. I honestly thought that I simply needed to cry out a few overwhelming-but-silly emotions. I am now blown away by how much emotional density was still stored in my body around this issue. I intuitively recognize that I have successfully released huge reservoirs of density dating all the way back to childhood – densities related to “what if I’m wrong” and “what if I fail”.

That child of long ago – that lost little boy that was me – did not trust his true heart and did not believe in his true abilities.

“Wow,” I think to myself, “Perhaps what I did today might release me from a few of those pesky doubts.”

A Little Help From My Friends

After the ceremony ends, I simply sit in shock, remaining for nearly an hour after everyone else leaves. I feel amazingly lighter and free.

“Keith,” I ask for feedback, “can you explain what I just did?”

“You finally allowed a new level of higher dimensional support in helping you to release the densities.” Keith coaches to me.

Keith goes on to explain that my inner children were terrified about me doing this, but that they did indeed allow me to do it. In the process I released a huge amount of inner pain.

“Your little children allowed other people in the group to assist – but not angels – in order to build their trust in allowing outside help.” Keith fills me in. “Then, at the end, they even allowed a little help from the angel.”

Other Possibilities

“Brenda,” Keith continues, “you have insisted that the only way that works for you is to cry out the emotions. Today you have received powerful assistance that showed you the possibilities.”

“Don’t try to figure out what happened.” Keith gives me final guidance. “Just go home and relax, rest, eat, and allow the feelings to settle. Don’t do anything hard.”

Travel Preparations

Thursday morning, I am quite proud of myself as I finish up my 5:30 a.m. meditation – a meditation that will likely be my last in San Marcos until late September. I continue to work on releasing deposits of self-hatred that permeate my joints and muscles in ever-diminishing amounts.

Eager to make final preparations for travel, I soon purchase a voucher for a ride from Panajachel to San Cristobal de las Casas, Chiapas, Mexico. I will leave the boat dock in San Marcos at approximately 6:00 a.m. on Saturday morning, catch the mini-bus shuttle in Panajachel, and then arrive at my destination in Mexico approximately ten hours later.

After another delightful visit with a friend, I settle in with intentions to spend one final day of writing. I simply smile as I discover that the power is off. It seems that a nearby electrical transformer has blown out. As is quite common here, there will likely be no internet or electricity for the remainder of the day. Since writing is no longer an option, I spend my morning cleaning instead.

A Private Guest

Today will be my final chocolate ceremony with Keith before I return in the fall. I am delighted by an opportunity to be a guest in a private ceremony – a chocolate ceremony conducted for a tour group who are staying in a beautiful hotel in a nearby lakeside town.

To my delight and surprise, as the ceremony progresses, I feel absolutely no pain in my solar plexus. I am greatly encouraged by this milestone – a metaphorical marker that lets me know that I am slowly succeeding in healing the energetic feud between my solar plexus and my heart, between the masculine and feminine energies in my body.

The ceremony today is perhaps one of the most beautiful I have ever attended. I am not sure if this fact is due to the energy of the group – or simply that I myself am in a beautiful energy space – but regardless of the reason, the fact remains that today, Keith proves himself to be a master.

Holding Space

Throughout the ceremony I experience a great deal of emotional pain at various places in my body – pain that is mostly focused in my back, my heart, and my high heart. The amount of energy I feel dancing in my high heart tells me that things are really changing in that area of my field.

At one point I notice one woman struggling very deeply. She is an empath, someone who absorbs the emotional pains of those around her. She has been doing this throughout her life and is now struggling to understand how to release the things that she is carrying that are not even hers. I can see the pain in her face, and I can sense her intense inner battle to deal with this pain.

“Go sit in front of her,” my intuitions whisper quietly. “Just go hold space for her and empower her to get through her own inner process.”

For more than thirty minutes I simply sit in front of this woman, energetically showering her with love while she cycles in and out of empowered tears – some sad and some joyful. Eventually, I feel guided to return to my place in the room.

It is not until later in the evening when she thanks me, letting me know that my assistance helped her greatly.

A Snowball Fight

Throughout the beautiful afternoon, I establish similar energy connections with many others – but do so while remaining in my seat – a floor cushion in the doorway of a beautiful view overlooking Lake Atitlan.

About half-way through the afternoon I focus on my own process, imagining a large doorway in my heart. I visualize little Sharon on the left side of the two-part door, with little Bobby on the right. Each opens their respective half of the door. Soon, the three of us are standing in the open doorway, our heart chakras exposed to a metaphorical angel in the distance.

As I begin to experience a great deal of pain in the high heart, I tell little Bobby: “Hey, have a snowball fight with the angel. Grab the density and form it into a ball and then throw it out to the angel.”

As I imagine this fun and playful scene, I actually feel the painful blobs in my high heart begin to disappear. I also experience the sensation of my third-eye trying to open up more flow. I am unattached as that flow soon ceases. I trust that all will open in its proper time.

Energetic Threads

After the ceremony, in a short conversation with Keith, I revel in the feedback that he provides.

“You were connecting with a lot of people.” Keith reassures me. “And you were reading the book (feeling their emotional density) without eating the book (without putting that pain inside my body).”

Keith goes on to explain that I had energetic threads connecting me to many others in the group – and that most of the pains I experienced in my high-heart were not even my own. Instead they were pains related to the connections I had established with others in the room.

How I wish I could more fully discern this fact on my own. Everything Keith tells me resonates profoundly – but I am not yet energetically sensitive enough to be fully aware as to what I am doing.

“Trust yourself,” Keith later reassures me. “The more emotional densities that you release, the more your own inner energy sensitivities will open up.”

Look In The Mirror

At a dinner held after the ceremony, I am delighted to sit next to a member of the tour group who is herself a successful author. To my amazement, she is friendly and down-to-earth, treating me like her equal, like a trusted friend. I love the self-confidence that continues to build inside of my heart.

Later on, after a late-night boat ride back to San Marcos, I again tell Keith that the ceremony was beautiful – that it was one of the best I have ever attended. I am quite flattered by his reply.

“Look in the mirror for how your own participation contributed to that fact.” Keith responds with a genuine smile.

Bring It On

As I drift off to sleep on Thursday evening, June 30, I am in energetic heaven, alive with dancing peace, joy, gratitude, and love.

I can’t believe that this seven-month run of working with Keith is now over. It has been perhaps one of the most difficult and intense experiences of my entire life. For over seven months, nearly every spare moment of my time has been either focused on inner work or writing about inner work – with very few diversions of any type.

During these months, I have cried more than ever before. I have explored deeply buried reservoirs of unbelievably strong emotional pain – unresolved containers of blockages that have coated my energy channels, one layer after another.

I have also felt more beautiful and amazing energy flow than I ever imagined possible – opening up one profound magical experience after another.

Yes, I am still an infant in the process. I am only now beginning to get out of my head enough to allow for a more right-brained experience, and ego continues to cloud my vision.

I am eager to go home and test my progress and growth in a different environment. I am delighted at the possibility of sharing a little of what I have learned. But I fully recognize that I have a great deal yet to learn myself.

Whatever that learning may be, I say “Bring It On.” Yes, I am sure that I will continue to face many more self-doubts this summer. Yes, I am sure that there will be times when I want to just throw up my hands and simply give up.

But no, I will not give up. I have no idea where it may be leading me, but I am absolutely one-hundred-percent committed to following my heart, no matter where it may lead. I trust that the destination will be far more amazing than I could have ever imagined on my own.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

This was originally posted on July 1, 2011. I deleted it because it was causing problems with my email subscription services. I have reposted it on September 27, 2011. Hopefully, this one will get sent out to subscribers.

I can’t believe everything is happening so fast. It is Sunday morning, June 26, 2011. In the midst of scurrying to get my writing up to date, I have now made three trips to Panajachel this week, all to the ATM in order to get enough cash to pay three months worth of rent.

After returning to San Marcos, my next item of business is to click the “purchase” button for an airline ticket to fly from Cancun to Salt Lake City on July 18. I am doing it. In less than a week I will be on a bus headed back into Mexico where I will do a little tourist stuff, visit with friends in Valladolid for about a week, and then spend a week in Cozumel before flying home to spend two months in Utah.

There are so many errands to do that I barely have time to eat before the Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony.

Time To Assist

“Brenda, how are you doing?” Keith asks soon after we begin.

“I’m feeling some very mild density in my solar plexus, and some of my energies remain shutdown.” I reply to Keith. “But I am actually feeling a very nice energy flow, and nothing at all is coming up.

“Who do you want to connect to?” Keith asks.

We both know that it is time for me to share a little energy with someone else.

From Afar

“I’m feeling very connected to Naomi (not her real name) over there.” I tell Keith confidently.

“Go for it.” Keith smiles as he then moves on to work with someone else.

My friend Naomi is in deep emotional agony today, releasing heavy waves of painful tears, doing so even before Keith begins to work with her. The space in front of Naomi is quite crowded, so I opt to remain in my seat, doing my energy assistance from afar.

Such energy work can actually be performed from half way around the world.

Learning To Discern

After a while, as I attempt to assist Naomi as an empath, I begin to feel pains in my solar plexus and the lower areas of my heart chakras. Believing that the pains I feel belong to Naomi, I decide to ask for guidance. I do not yet fully trust my ability to discern.

“Keith, is this pain mine or Naomi’s?” I ask curiously.

“It is Naomi’s.” Keith confirms my intuition.

“Brenda,” Keith guides me. “Ask your room full of higher friends to show you how to more effectively discern the energies.”

Attempting To Discern

I make the meditative request of my circle of friends, but feel absolutely no guidance being provided. Either the answer is no, or I am simply not listening – or perhaps the answer is still in the delivery truck, still in transit.

I choose to trust that all is well. Soon I speculate that maybe if I attempt to connect with different people, one at a time, that I might be able to tell the difference – but every time I begin to do this, something distracts me. I intuitively sense that the distraction is telling me “nope, don’t do it that way.”

I do feel as if I am connected to one other person, but confusion continues to dance at my doorstep.

“Brenda,” Keith guides me as I express this confusion, “we know that you usually connect to more than one person at the same time. Just trust the process.”

When I ask Keith to again confirm the source of what is now a stronger pain in my heart, he again reassures me that it is not mine.

A Squeezed Heart

The energy on the porch today is beautiful, and many of the first-time-attendees seem to be emotional sponges – so Keith soon decides to conduct another empath training.

As I pay attention to the energies and conversations around me, I have an intuitive feeling that my own individual flow is taking me right into the middle of this empath exploration.

During phase-one of the training, I note that a small ache forms in my third-eye chakra – physically confirming that this chakra, one that remains tightly shutdown, is highly related to the ongoing blockages that prevent me from more powerfully opening up my empath abilities.

During the second phase, when we are running emotional density through us without letting it touch us – well that does not seem to work well for me. I immediately begin to feel my heart chakra squeeze and cringe with pain. I am extremely weak in my heart – feeling squished, constricted, and tight.

“What happens to your heart when you do this?” Keith asks a general question to all those being trained.

With dramatic emphasis, I point at my painful restricted heart, explaining how much discomfort I am experiencing.

Are We There Yet?

“Keith,” I speak up, “I cannot feel the flow running through me. Instead it feels as if it the energies are painfully stuck at my heart, not moving at all.”

“Help me please,” I plead. “I feel like my little girl, Sharon, is frightened.”

“Lean back and relax Brenda,” Keith guides me, “just allow things to happen.”

Gradually I sense my heart also relaxing as a small amount of energy moves. But I remain extremely uncomfortable. This phase of empath training seems to be going on for much longer than usual and my heart continues to feel deeply squeezed and anxious. I am extremely grateful when Keith announces that we have finally reached the end of this phase.

Make It Fun

Phase three is much more fun when the demonstration energy does not need to pass through my body – when it can be directed straight to its higher evolvement. I feel considerable more energy flow, and achieve a great deal of peace in the process.

But the real work begins when Keith asks Naomi to sit in the middle of the room. As I energetically connect with Naomi, to begin assisting her, I get a strong intuitive feeling telling me that little Sharon needs to participate – but that I need to make it light and fun for her, forming a huge amount of emotional support around her.

Before proceeding, I quietly connect with this beautiful little inner child of mine, having a genuine chat to make sure she is OK with what I am proposing – and that she is OK with the fact that I will be asking the angels to assist me in taking the density away.

“You can hide if you want, or you can watch.” I reassure my little girl. “But I will do all the work for you, unless you want to jump in and participate, that is.”

I imagine my little Sharon as a real three-year-old. I visualize myself holding her in my arms, hugging her tightly to my upper chest.

“If you see an angel,” I giggle to Sharon, “pretend that the angel has a big red clown’s nose. That will help you to let go of any fears that come up.”

Outside Confirmation

Before continuing the process, I make sure that I first feel a warm and loving energetic response from Sharon. I am done trying to force my good intentions onto my little girl without bothering to check in with her feelings.

“Brenda,” Keith interrupts as I am about to begin, “I’m getting that this needs to be a lot of fun for Sharon.”

I simply giggle, because I have not told Keith anything about what I am doing other than that I am involving my little girl.

Dorothy And Glinda

Seconds later, a series of metaphors pop into my mind. I first suggest that Sharon imagine herself as wearing an angel costume with little wings. Then I tell her to also pretend that she is Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, and that she also has a magic wand in her hand – a wand that gives her the loving powers of Glinda, the Good Witch of the North.

I then tell Sharon that if she feels any evil emotional density (represented by the Wicked Witch of the West), that she can wave her wand, throw water on the witch, or simply click her magic slippers together to move somewhere else.

Sharon likes the ideas and we both giggle together as we imagine the fun that we are going to have.

The Good Angel

Soon we connect to Naomi’s energy. I begin to feel a very pleasant and powerful energy vibration flowing in my body. Periodically a sharp pain begins to form in my heart, but Sharon quickly waves her magic wand and throws a bucket of water. The incoming pain melts and disappears, just like the wicked witch in Oz.

As we proceed with our little make-believe game, Sharon imagines herself as all powerful – being able to handle anything the wicked witch can throw at her. Then I remind her that she also has an angel costume.

“I am the good angel,” I feel Sharon giggle, “and the densities are the bad angels.”

Overwhelmed And Traumatized

Sharon and I play these fun games together for a very long time. The energy vibrations in my body continue to feel delightful – except for the fact that the pains of the emotional density coming into my heart seem to be growing increasingly stronger and ever more intimidating.

I sense that little Sharon is becoming extremely stressed – scared that she is not capable of handling this much emotional density all at once. Together we continue to wave magic wands, throw buckets of water, and keep the pain at bay – but the effort requires constant focus and the pain is very uncomfortable.

Another thirty minutes pass as the best we can do is to barely survive the onslaught of pain. The concept of fun has long-since disappeared. A strong intuitive sense tells me that Sharon is feeling quite traumatized. I can feel her trauma in the way that my heart is reacting.

Yet I also sense that Sharon is determined to keep going. She trusts me, we are working together, and she does not want to quit.

A Wild Ride

Finally, as the process comes to a natural conclusion, I explain my difficult emotional journey to Keith. My inner emotions (Sharon’s) are so distressed by the continuous onslaught of pain that I begin to cry right along with her.

“Brenda,” Keith guides me, “Sharon was very traumatized by what happened when she was a little child. See if you can help her to understand that everything you just went through was all just a wild ride … and that she is now OK.”

“And next time,” Keith interjects, “I would suggest that you consider bringing in another higher friend to support you both if that ever happens again.”

For a while, I envision Sharon and I riding some type of “haunted mansion” ride at an amusement park – one that is quite scary, but when we come out the other end we can giggle together.

“See,” I laugh with Sharon, “we did it, nothing bad happened, and it was fun.”

While repeating this visualization over and over, I focus on deep relaxed breathing, allowing the higher vibrations to peacefully consume me. Gradually the energy rises and I feel Sharon relaxing her clenching.

Was It Real?

“Keith,” I ask during a short break, “I feel as I have been making this all up.”

“Brenda,” Keith reassures me with a huge smile, “it was more real than you could ever imagine.”

After the ceremony ends in a large-and-fun free-for-all discussion – a discussion in which nobody seems to want to leave – I continue meditating for another hour in beautiful high-vibrational energy.

Then I re-engage Keith in discussion to further clarify my doubts over a very emotionally-frightening metaphor.

“Did the metaphor really happen in this physical reality?” Keith poses a hypothetical question and then responds. “No, of course it didn’t.”

“Did the metaphor trigger healing in your energies that are permanent and that can be brought back in order to make positive changes in the physical world?” Keith again asks and then answers. “Absolutely yes.”

I Get It

“Of course,” I think to myself. “It is the healing that matters. The storyline is merely a method of communicating with the subconscious energies. Any number of different stories could produce the same emotional result. What matters is that I uncovered the emotional feelings and allowed myself to interact with those energies.”

“When I experienced Sharon’s stress, terror, and traumatization,” I further ponder, “those emotions were real energies – painful energetic memories of what happened to me when I was bombarded by emotional densities as a child.”

I now get it. The emotional journey on which I ventured today was indeed extremely real.

Trust The Flow

“Keith, my little inner child is still clenching.” I beg for more understanding, “I can energetically feel that clenching, subconsciously forcing my physical body to also clench. Can you give me any advice?”

“Brenda, what you are doing to connect with Sharon, and to build up trust with her, is what will eventually lead to her being able to relax and let go of the clenching.” Keith reassures me. “Just trust the flow that you are in.”

As I meditate before bed on Sunday evening, I quietly surrender to the flow, trusting that my energetic relief from body-clenching will happen exactly when it is time.

His True Heart

Monday morning, after a beautiful meditation I again find myself preparing to write, following my normal routine of first reading what I last wrote. As I read through “My Biggest Block” I am surprised when I again burst into tears while reading the words:

“I just want to be heard … I just want to be validated for who I am … I am not bad … please, just let me explain … you don’t understand … I’m good … I’m being genuine … I’m not trying to hurt you.”

It seems that my little inner Bobby is right on the surface of my emotions. I feel his pain deeply as I sob for a few minutes. I feel his deep desire to simply be given a genuine opportunity to explain his true heart.

But my writing will have to wait – another beautiful opportunity has presented itself.

An Invalidated Little Boy

Being my last week in San Marcos for a couple of months, I have chosen to take the opportunity for a shared-private session with Keith. It was actually my friend Kathy’s idea (not her real name) – but the moment that she asked I too knew I needed to participate.

Kathy and I begin our Monday morning session by attempting to explore our budding empath abilities with each other, but it soon becomes obvious to both of us that our energies are taking us in different directions. Our processes are deeply related, inspiring each other, but also profoundly individual.

As I explain to Keith what I am feeling, I first share about how I briefly sobbed this morning.

“My solar plexus is hurting just like it has done in every chocolate ceremony now for months.” I share with Keith. “But today the pain feels different, stronger, and I feel deep intuition telling me that this pain is related to little Bobby.”

“Little Bobby just wanted to be heard.” I share with watery eyes. “I feel like the pain in my solar plexus is the pain of this invalidated little boy.”

Welcoming Warm Vibrations

“Maybe I need to get to know him better,” I begin to speculate with Keith. “Maybe I need to build more trust, blah, blah, blah.”

“Brenda,” Keith interrupts me, “before you do anything, the first thing you need to do is to get Bobby to come up into your heart where he belongs.”

“I hadn’t even thought of this.” I respond to Keith with shock. “Sharon has been in my heart for a very long time. I feel her there. But Bobby is indeed in my solar plexus where it hurts.”

In deep meditation, I connect with little Sharon and ask her if she would be willing to walk down into my solar plexus to have a chat with Bobby. Keith soon instructs Kathy to have her little inner child come over to assist as well.

To my delight, after several minutes of peaceful loving mediation and meditation, I suddenly feel the pain in my solar plexus completely disappear as I simultaneously experience a beautiful warm vibration consume the right side of my heart chakra.

Where He Belongs

“Bobby is taking up residence on the right side of your chest because that is the traditionally masculine side.” Keith coaches me.

As I ponder these words, I notice that the warm vibrations on the right side of my chest nearly double in strength, confirming the truth of what was said.

“Of Course,” I think to myself. “How could I have missed the fact that my little male inner child was not yet with me in the heart. Over the last few weeks it has been clear that my feminine energies were in the heart and the Beast (masculine) energy was in the solar plexus – but I never connected Bobby with the fact that he was among that masculine energy – and that he belonged in my heart.”

Testing The Waters

As I simply observe this beautiful vibration in the right side of my heart chakra, I note that after a while the energy leaves my chest and returns to the solar plexus.

“You are free to live wherever you choose.” I share with little Bobby, expressing my unconditional love.

Repeatedly, I sense Bobby’s energy move back and forth between my solar plexus and the right side of my heart. The sensations are amazing. Each time that the energy is in my chest I feel warmth and peaceful vibration – but only on the right side. Each time the energy is in my solar plexus I feel sharp prickly pain, along with an absence of the warmth in my chest.

I love that Bobby seems to be testing the waters, building up his trust while observing my reactions, making sure that I will not judge him for moving. Finally, I sense his energy settle down in my heart and remain there for awhile.

Back And Forth

As I sit in this beautiful energy, an image presents itself to my mind. I feel both of my little inner children being held snuggly to my chest. Little Sharon is in my left arm and Bobby is in my right. Just like little three-year-olds often do, I sense their curiosity. They begin to play with my hair, grab my nose and chin, and tug on my necklace.

Their playfulness and innocence is delightful.

“Allow Bobby to go back and forth.” Keith coaches me unexpectedly.

“Yeah, I have been doing that for a while now.” I respond to Keith.

I simply giggle when Keith interrupts with this type of feedback – feedback given when I have been working in complete silence – feedback that completely validates what I have already been intuitively guided to do on my own. Such feedback totally builds up internal trust in my own intuitive feelings.

Fantasy Fun

“Play some fun imagination games with your inner children.” Another strong intuition floods my mind.

I am guided to reminisce about a fun little skit that I often played with my children. We pretended that we were all parts of a car, and that we were going on a vacation together. Four of my children would pretend to be each of the tires. As we drove along in our imaginations, one of the kids (tires) would suddenly go “flat”.

“Oh no,” I would giggle. “We have a flat tire. What are we going to do?”

Soon I would leave the imaginary drivers seat, step out, and pretend to pump up the tire. After climbing back behind the wheel, about ten seconds later another tire would go flat and we would repeat the process – giggling all the way.

As I ponder this beautiful fun I had with my own children, I imagine that little Sharon is the left front tire and that little Bobby is the right front tire. Every time that Bobby goes “flat” I sense his energy leave my heart and sink down into my solar plexus. Each time I visualize myself as pumping him up, I feel him rise back to my heart.

As silly as this process sounds, it is playful and seems to build a great deal of trust and unconditional love with my inner children.

Building Trust

After a while, as Kathy begins to talk with Keith about bringing higher energy into her crown, I intuitively feel Bobby running for cover, hiding back down in my solar plexus with fear.

I coax him back up to my heart and hold him with warm love. Later, as I begin to talk to Keith about bringing in additional higher energy into my own body, I again feel little Bobby run to hide. He is terrified of the higher energies.

“Your job is to build trust with Bobby,” Keith coaches me. “Don’t worry about bringing in more energy right now.”

I notice as I discuss my energies with Keith, that a feeling of pressure builds in my third-eye chakra. It is not painful, but is extremely noticeable.

“An open third-eye chakra terrorized little Bobby.” Keith’s shares insights that resonate deeply with my heart.

Masculine Possibilities

“I want you to take strong note of something here.” Keith guides me briefly. “Bobby is masculine energy, and you are allowing him to assist and work with you in your heart.”

“This is really big for you.” Keith congratulates me.

As I ponder about Keith’s words, I intuitively sense the profound truth in what he is saying.

“No wonder Bobby has taken so long to involve himself in my processing.” I ponder. “No wonder he has remained isolated from my heart. He has been patiently waiting for me to first allow masculine energy possibilities to open up.”

Avoiding Interaction

In her own process, Kathy mentions to Keith how she has been shy throughout her life.

“Where did that shyness originate?” I feel guided to interrupt Kathy’s process.

As Kathy traces her shyness into her childhood, my own emotional memories begin to surface and resonate. I too was a very shy child. While I cannot place a location or date on the memories, I remember repeatedly hiding behind my mother’s leg while hearing one of my parents jokingly apologize – both to grandparents and/or strangers – telling them that I was shy. They thought my shyness was cute – but I was terrified.

“It was because I felt their energy and it hurt!” The emotional memories suddenly flash intuitively into my heart. “And I learned at a very young age to not try to explain that I hurt when around the dense energies of others.”

“Yes,” I ponder with great insight. “I was shy because I was trying to avoid interacting with the painful energies of other people.”

Earning The Trust

While Keith works further with Kathy, I find my mind drifting deeply into the concept of leadership fears – and of how the fears that remain are indeed inner issues projected outward. As I further ponder the mail-room employee metaphor that I described in “Leadership of Love”, I am pulled deeply into my own experiences at the last software company where I worked.

I remained at that engineering firm for more than eighteen years. I loved the first years that I worked there … but gradually, upper management began to make decisions that alienated the trust of their long-term workers. Every two or three years a new CEO would take over, organize huge rallies to get everyone on board, and would then proceed to make the situation even worse.

It only took a few such leadership changes to realize that it was all just “more of the same.” When a new CEO came in, I would just yawn, keep doing my job, and ignore the whole situation. I became so disillusioned by management promises that I was not going to waste my time even listening until someone above me proved that they were serious about really improving things.

Suddenly, while pondering this metaphor, I realize that this is how my own inner energies feel about me. I am their CEO, and I abandoned them a very long time ago. Repeatedly I have come in with new enthusiasm, new changes, new goals, new leadership, etc., and repeatedly I have let them down. They are so apathetic toward my lack of leadership that they have taken a “wait and see attitude” – continuing to not trust me until I do something to actually earn that precious trust.

A Healed Higher Self?

Bobby, Sharon, and my other inner energies simply don’t trust my management record. I cannot just walk in, pretend to be sincere, hold a pep rally, make new promises, and then go about business as usual. In order to win their trust, I need to be real and genuine. I need to listen to their whispers – to REALLY listen to them, to get to know them at a deeply personal level. Yes, I am their leader, but I need to approach that leadership as their trusted guide – earning their trust.

I need to be their loving Higher Self, guiding and serving them with love, fulfilling my function without being dictatorial. In order to win their love and trust, I need to heal myself.

Soon, Keith and I drift into a beautiful rational mind discussion of leadership and Higher Self issues.

“Keith,” I ask curiously, “since I am the Higher Self to my inner energies, and being that I am so messed up right now, does that mean that my own Higher Self is also as equally messed up at whatever level she is at?”

“No, Brenda,” Keith smiles as he lovingly reassures me. “Your Higher Self has already done all of this healing work and is in a very good position to help you.”

Trust The Process

As I continue meditating, I find myself getting very distracted. Since I will be gone for portions of three months, I need to pay three months rent before I leave San Marcos. My landlord is in Italy for two months, so the only person I can pay is his young helper that lives here in town. Suddenly, my meditation is flooded with obsession about these fears.

“What if I pay the rent to Manuel (not his real name),” I ponder with anxiety, “and then Manuel lies to my landlord, saying that I never paid? It would be a nightmare to return in September and find my apartment occupied by someone else because of such confusion and dishonesty.”

“Keith, what should I do with all of this mental chatter?” I ask for insight. “Is it possible that this distraction is part of my process?”

“Yes,” Keith surprises me by backing up my intuition, “it is part of your process. Go deeper into it.”

An Old Pattern

As I banter a few ideas back and forth with Keith, I finally take the intuitive insights back to their source. I return to the emotional pain of a young child who is terrified of not being believed.

“I paid the rent.” I can feel this adult child hypothetically pleading with his parental landlords. “Why won’t you listen to me? … I am telling the truth … please hear me … please just let me explain … you don’t understand …”

The situation of today is completely different, but comes right down to the potential of my inner integrity being questioned by someone in authority who refuses to believe my genuine heart – who dismisses my honesty and will not let me explain.

The emotional fears being shown to me (regarding three months of rent) are the same exact fears of a young boy trying to explain his psychic intuitions to his parents. This is just another example, being given to me in meditation, of how I continue to run this fearful pattern in every-day life.

Be The Loving Leader

“I have some homework for you.” Keith tells me as our session approaches conclusion.

Keith then guides me to focus on developing a deep loving relationship with Sharon and Bobby, doing for them what my own parents could not do for me – taking on the role of the loving adult that can comfort them, and that can validate and love them.

“You are the adult that needs to make them feel heard, listened to, believed, and understood, etc.” Keith guides me. “You are the adult that can help them heal their childhood pain.”

Pending Processing

“You are going to have some beautiful growth experiences this summer.” Keith reassures me as our conversation shifts to my leaving later in the week for a two-month visit back home.

“Yeah, I am going to be immersed back into western culture, interacting with family and friends who are at varying degrees of still being attached to that environment.” I share insights regarding what I am about to face.

“It will be a huge integration of you taking your growth and progress back home with you.” Keith reassures me. “You will be sharing your experiences and insights with others, dealing with whatever triggers come up, and testing your own healing to see how you handle it.”

“When you come back,” Keith smiles lovingly, “you will have done major growth and processing. You will not be the same person.”

I know Keith is right, and I am eager and excited to go home for the summer. Yet part of me is frightened, wondering how I will meet the high expectations that I am already setting for myself.

Into The Flow

Monday evening, after spending several hours passionately writing, I switch gears again by assisting in the bagging process of two-hundred pounds of freshly ground cacao.

Tuesday, as I publish “Leadership of Love”, excitement fills my veins. I am now only two days behind in my writing.

I simply giggle, however, because I know that I have two more ceremonies this week, and a lot of cleaning and packing to take care of.

“I will just write when I write.” I allow myself to let go of perfectionistic goals. “Maybe I will catch up during my travels of the next two weeks.”

I love how I am simply relaxing into the flow – and I am so deeply excited to see where this flow guides me as I enter yet another phase of my journey this summer.

A Life Transition

I am also very thrilled that my emotional processing seems to have risen to a whole new level. I am beginning to glean great insights from situations while not needing to wallow as much in the emotional depths.

“I am ready to take on this next phase of my life.” I giggle with determination. “And I am excited to transition into a period where I get to play with what I have learned in so many different ways.” 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved