Brenda's Bicycles

Leadership Of Love

This was originally posted on June 28, 2011. I deleted it because it was causing problems with my email subscription services. I have retyped and reposted it on September 26, 2011. Hopefully, this one will get sent out to subscribers.

Early Monday morning, June 20, I am again meditating on my porch as the semi-cloudy skies across Lake Atitlan begin to shift from darkness to dawn. A magical ambience is created by crowing roosters and by the stirring calls of a large variety of colorful birds. The morning air is cool and invigorating – bringing new life to my soul – a soul that had struggled deeply over the last couple of days as I have courageously delved into issues of childhood blocks to my ability to communicate.

Suddenly a loud and nearby chainsaw interrupts the peaceful silence. I simply giggle as I note that it is only 5:50 a.m.; I love being so unattached to the noises that would have once triggered such judgment in me.

As I continue meditating, I note that there is a little energetic pressure and slight pain in my upper abdomen.

It Wants In

“Is this emotional density that needs to be released?” I ponder curiously. “Or perhaps is it some part of me that wants to get in, that is gently pressing on my solar plexus to get my attention?”

A few minutes later I notice the neighbor’s gate wiggling. My own gate is only about twenty feet away, at the bottom of a steep flight of stone-covered steps. The neighbor’s gate is slightly hidden from my view, directly adjacent to my own.

“Something is trying to get into the neighbor’s yard.” I ponder briefly.

“Fuera.” I call out lovingly and quietly to what I believe is a stray dog. Fuera means “outside” – and is an expression commonly spoken to dogs in Guatemala, telling them that they are somewhere that they are not supposed to be.

“It is something that wants to come in.” I giggle as intuitions suddenly give me the metaphorical message – and of course dogs bring to me a message of self-love.

Self-Love Messenger

For a while I focus on allowing part of my pushed-out energy to return. Even though I don’t feel anything to validate what is happening at a physical level, I intuitively trust the process.

Soon, I totally giggle when the neighbor’s little dog suddenly comes sauntering up my top step. He is so cute and smiling, seeming quite proud of himself for having maneuvered his way past my gate.

“Fuera.” I giggle at him as I point for him to go back down my steps.

My gate is only held shut by a stretchy bungee cord – yet in six months I have never had a dog make it past that gate and up onto my patio.

To my shock, a few seconds later when I look down the steps, my little visitor is gone and my gate remains securely closed. I smile with delight when I notice the little self-love messenger back in his own yard, also behind a closed gate.

“I guess something got in.” I giggle to myself. “But by sending him away, did I push away my own metaphorical self-love?”

Inner Ponderings

Soon, I find myself pondering one of the teachings of Hermes: “As above so below.”

I contemplate about the earth being a conscious being – having an entire living ecosystem of energies, plant life, animal life, weather systems, rivers, ocean currents, etc.

I then ponder my body in the same light, as being made up of conscious entities – seeing every one of my cells as having an individual life span, serving its own unique function with varying degrees of energetic consciousness. I have complex living systems that serve to sustain life, breathing, circulatory, digestive, lymph, and nervous systems, etc.

Just as the earth’s rivers and oceans grow ever-more filled with waste, so does my body get clogged by unreleased emotional densities that pile up year after year in my various organs and bodily systems.

“My body is slowly aging and dying from the physical effects of the emotional pollution,” I ponder. “I wonder if it is possible to reverse the effects of that bodily pollution by cleaning out the densities – replacing those densities with self-love.”

And another thing I begin to ponder is that my subconscious energies and all of the individual living cells and systems that make up my body – all of them look up to me as their leader, as their higher consciousness – as their Higher Self.

Clueless As Usual

After two beautiful days of writing and additional meditations I again find myself on the magical porch of my favorite chocolate shaman, eagerly anticipating another beautiful experience of journeying into the unknown growth of a Wednesday afternoon chocolate ceremony.

“Keith,” I speak up, “I have the usual blockages in my third-eye and solar plexus – but today they seem much more focused and pronounced – and I am also feeling lots of other little pains making their presence known, especially in the heart chakra.”

“I am clueless as to where to begin.” I beg for guidance. “Any suggestions?”

Surrounded By Support

“Go to your inner conference room,” Keith guides me, “and ask all of these pains and energies to join you there for a meeting.”

As Keith moves on, I invite my inner children, little Sharon and Bobby, to assist me in the inner heart-to-heart discussion that is being put together.

Distractions begin to repeatedly pull my focus in every direction other than the metaphorical conference room. I struggle to even be able to imagine a conference room. Doubts strangle me.

After inviting the doubts to leave, I continue focusing for another ten minutes before I am finally able to visualize myself sitting in a chair – Sharon is on my left, Bobby is on my right, and my Higher Self stands behind me. For unknown reasons, I am experiencing a great deal of fear, feeling extremely inadequate in performing the role I am being asked to take.

“Something really big must be going on.” I ponder as I contemplate the heightened level of intense resistance and fear that are attempting to sabotage the meditation.

Cat Clue

“Brenda,” Keith interrupts me with a smile, “Squeaky here has a clue for you if you will pay attention.”

I giggle when I look at Keith’s beautiful little cat. She is sprawled out on Keith’s lap, on her back, completely relaxed and comfy – as if she were lying back in a hammock. She seems to not have a care in the world.

“I am still clenching my hands and my body.” I respond to Keith’s obvious clue.

“Perfectly said … with precise intuition.” Keith congratulates me.

“I have clenched my entire life.” I express to Keith with frustration. “I want to relax more, I have tried for years to relax various parts of my body; I try, and try, and try, but I continue to do it. It seems to be beyond my conscious control.”

“Help me.” I beg. “I don’t know how to relax.”

A Clueless Boss

Finally, I am able to imagine all of my body pains and their corresponding energies sitting across from me, on the other side of the conference table. Not knowing exactly what to say to these parts of myself, I begin to focus on sending love and gratitude to these energy participants in my body.

As I focus, I recognize that the executioner and the Beast energies are among those assembled across the table. I again try to send them love with the hope that they can heal their pain.

Blah, blah, blah!

Suddenly I recognize my hypocrisy – an attempt to use love as a means of manipulating and controlling. I am like a clueless and insensitive boss that walks into a meeting and starts dictating orders without paying any attention to what is actually going on in the room at an energetic level.

Loyal Friends

Feeling quite humbled I again connect with these energies – this time with pure and unconditional intent. I desire to understand their pain, who they are, how hard they have struggled to perform their jobs for me, how thankless their jobs have been, how much they have sacrificed to honor my requests, and how alone and sad they must feel after all these years of being ignored and unrecognized.

“These are extremely loyal energies.” I begin to recognize. “These must be among my best of friends. I would never trust such an important job as orchestrating my childhood shutdown to just any old energy in my body.”

Real-Life Images

An intuitive idea suddenly flashes into my mind.

“Visualize each of these energies as being one of my dearest real-life friends back home.” The Jedi voices whisper. “Give them a real human face.”

“How would my friends feel if they had sacrificed their entire lives in service to me, performing such a difficult and heart-breaking task?” I ponder deeper.

Rivers of tears begin to flow as I soon imagine one of my dearest of friends – a friend who struggles with profound physical pain – being the one whom I asked to strangle the life force in my throat starting when I was a young child.

My heart is broken as I imagine the mental and physical anguish that her loyal service to me has caused in her own body. Yes, putting a human face on this executioner energy puts me at a whole new level of understanding.

A Painful Paradox

“Wow,” I ponder with shock, “I have made this energetic part of me literally sacrifice itself in my service.”

Then another profound epiphany floods my awareness.

“The pains in my body are not pains being inflicted onto me by these energies that sit across the table.” My heart begins to understand. “Those loyal energies are not the ones giving pain to me – I am the one giving the emotional pain to them.”

“Yes, I do feel the pain in my physical body.” I ponder the mind-boggling paradox. “But what I feel is their pain – these actual energetic parts of my self are suffering because of what I have asked them to do.”

“I am not hurting because of what I asked the Beast to do to me. “I put a different twist on the thought. “The Beast is hurting because of what I asked it to do. I am feeling the Beast’s pain.”

Loving Contrast

“Where are you at now, Brenda?” Keith interrupts at the perfect time from across the porch.

When I share my paradoxical understandings with Keith, he deeply congratulates me for the profound insights.

“But I still don’t seem to know how to deal with these energies.” I ask Keith for help. “How do I move past this place of stuck-ness?”

“Put your two hands out in front of you.” Keith guides me. “In one hand visualize all of the painful love that has been exchanged between you and these energies. In the other hand, imagine a pure form of unconditional loving exchange.”

Time To learn

I seem to have no trouble connecting with the painful process through which I have been accustomed to interacting with these energies across the table. This energy in my left hand is quite familiar. But after much effort I continue to deeply struggle as I attempt to connect with the feeling of unconditional/happy love that I expect to find in my right hand.

“Keith,” I share in frustration, almost twenty minutes later, “I’m not sure if I even know how to love these energies unconditionally.”

“Go back into the conference room.” Keith guides me firmly. “Ask the energies to show you how – to teach you how to do it.”

My own Higher Self

After struggling through many failed meditation metaphors, trying to work with these energies as if they were my co-workers, at the same level as me, I suddenly have a new thought.

“Are these energies my equals?” I ponder curiously. “Or are they my subordinates?”

I know that we are all in this together, but I begin to question if perhaps I need to take on a more leadership-oriented role.

“Higher Self,” I beg, “please guide me … please show me where to go with this metaphor.”

Suddenly I remember my meditations from early Monday morning.

“These energies in my body – in my subconscious mind – all look up to me as if I am their Higher Self.” The insights flash into my awareness. “The Beast and all of his friends look to me for leadership and guidance. Yes, I am supposed to be an unconditionally-loving leader, not just a coworker.”

Double-Edged Sword

A feeling of panic quickly consumes my body.

I have always hated being in charge. In fact, I have spent my entire life attempting to avoid leadership roles, and I have been mostly successful in that quest. What few leadership positions I have been coerced into assuming were accompanied by emotions that fluctuated wildly between significant anxiety and absolute terror.

I love serving behind the scenes in politically-invisible roles. In my software engineering career, my favorite positions involved situations where I could be the star background performer, while another more outwardly creative and confident coworker took the riskier leadership role.

As an employee, my perfectionism and people-pleasing earned huge recognition and pats on the back – but when interacting in any type of leadership capacity, when attempting to motivate others to meet my higher perfectionistic standards, I felt like a social retard. Not only did I not have the people skills to lead, but the thought of making any decision that might prove to be controversial sent my anxiety through the roof.

Avoiding any form of leadership has always been the safest and smartest thing for me to do.

Lifelong Core Issue

As I sit on Keith’s magical porch, I unexpectedly find myself cowering in fear as I ponder the responsibility that is being placed in front of me. For several years I have felt the flow of my energies guiding me down a path that I have always known will force me into ultimately facing these leadership fears – but until now I have been able to easily sidestep and delay those fears, leaving them to be faced on another day.

“I am being asked to assume a leadership role with these inner energies.” I ponder with terror. “And it is clear that the energies are asking me to assume that role, now!”

Profuse tears begin to flow as I ponder what happened just a few days ago with Debbie – I nearly destroyed a friendship when I tried to assume the uninvited-role of teacher.

“And I absolutely know that I would probably destroy a cherished friendship if I were ever in any type of supervisory position over one of my dearest friends,” I ponder with panic.

Yes, this is a lifelong core issue – it is profound – it is painful – it is deep – and I do not want to face it.

Frightful Judgments

For the next ninety minutes, the porch gradually shifts from inner work to random rational-mind conversation about various inner-work topics.

One young man first talks about his own inner metaphor of realizing that he “doesn’t want to be in the driver’s seat.” Portions of his work profoundly parallel my own. As I listen, my tearful whimpering greatly intensifies. Part of me fearfully wishes it could just remain the invisible passenger.

While stuck and terrified in this “I don’t want to be a leader” mode, I simply sit back and watch silently as the porch conversations further progress. To my shock and dismay, I find myself judging nearly every person on the porch – judging them for not pushing themselves harder.

One woman has simply been lying on a bench, not allowing herself to access or release any emotions, remaining stuck in her rational mind. I do not judge her as being bad, but I do judge her as “selling herself short”, as not living up to her potential.

“If I were in charge here,” I ponder with fright, “I would probably be subtly pushing her to perform better, manipulatively attempting to motivate her into doing some actual real work – just like I have been trying to do with my own inner energies.”

Hidden Potential

I know that the emotions I am feeling are being given to me for teaching purposes – but even so, these emotional glimpses frighten me. I am being shown that I have the potential to make a chaotic mess of everything if I do not heal my own leadership issues – if I do not process and release my intense issues of perfectionism. I am tired of holding myself up to unreasonable and often-unreachable standards, and of then tending to “lovingly” project those same standards onto others.

“Yes,” I ponder humbly. “With how I am feeling right now, if I were trying to help people from this dysfunctional, perfectionistic, mindset I would probably destroy our relationships, making a complete mess of it all. My genuine desires to help people would most likely drive them all insane.”

“But I do have to give myself a loving break here,” I ponder, “because I rarely do this to people under normal circumstances – but what happened last week with Debbie terrifies me, showing me that the potential is still there.”

“If I want to be a healer,” I cower in fear, “I have to face these frightening inner fears, and I don’t know how to do that.”

Scarf Hiding

This hour-and-a-half passes ever too slowly. With each judgment that is paraded past my mind, I am painfully haunted by thoughts of the potential damage that I could do to others. I wallow deeper and deeper into self judgment, pondering how I could so easily become a slave-driver in such a group, not allowing people to be people, instead insisting that they become healing robots.

I see this long rational-mind conversation as an incredible opportunity to quietly look at myself, and I continue to feel horrified by what I experience as I observe these inner issues repeatedly stomp around in my head while simultaneously kicking me in the gut.

Eventually, I am so lost in the pain and self-flogging that I pull a scarf over my head, bend forward slightly, and simply allow the rivers of tears to flow.

“I would be a horrible leader.” I judge myself harshly. “I would alienate people, push them to rebellion, and ‘psychologically fart’ all over everyone.”

Porch Nazi

“Where has Brenda gone?” Keith eventually asks playfully when he feels guided to take the ceremony back in a new direction.

I peak out from under the scarf, dry my tears, and take a few minutes to speak the truth of my horrifying journey of watching the porch for the last ninety minutes.

“I know I am projecting all over the place,” I express in deep frustration, “but if I were the leader here on the porch, I would make an absolute mess of everything. Everyone would hate me.”

“You would be a porch Nazi.” Keith drives my terrifying thought home with a verbal nail.

“Ouch!” Keith’s nail stabs me right in the heart … but I know he is right … that is exactly what I would be. I would be insisting on order and respect, not allowing fun, and not allowing most of the experiences that have brought my most profound growth.

Another Chapter

With this new realization, I sink even further into fear and self-judgment, recognizing that if I don’t heal myself, that I could never be such a fun and casual leader as Keith.

“I really do take things extremely seriously.” I stab myself in the heart. “As a leader, I am such a loser.”

The more I allow myself to feel this dysfunction to the core, the more I feel incapable, hopeless, helpless, stupid, doomed to forever fail.

“Congratulations Brenda.” Keith shares with a smile. “You have uncovered another profound and powerful core issue … another chapter in your healing process.”

A Great Place To Start

One beautiful woman quickly jumps in to engage me in loving and fixing rational-mind chatter. In many ways I perceive her words as patronizing. I listen very politely, but soon ask her to stop, explaining that I have repeatedly been through all of these thoughts and solutions at a logical-thought level – but what I need to do is go into the subconscious roots – to heal this dysfunctional pattern at a much deeper level than conscious thought.

“I need to go deep into the subconscious and uncover the cause of this insane desire to be perfect,” I lovingly explain through my tears, “and to understand why I am so terrified of being a leader.”

“Brenda,” another beautiful friend speaks up. “Think of the elevator scene.”

Immediately I flash to this scene near the end of the movie Revolver – a scene where the main character is engaged in an excruciating inner debate with ego.

“All of these self-defeating voices bombarding me are ego.” I suddenly remember. “I have heard these voices for so long that I believe them to be me. These dysfunctional patterns are literally masquerading as me, and I believe them to be true.”

“This is profound!” I ponder. I know I still have much healing to do, but recognizing these terrifying voices as being nothing but lies is a great place to start.

Facing Fears

“When there is too much fear,” Keith starts to tell me, “that means you are not yet ready to go into the issue.”

“Keith,” I protest, “Yes, I am crying and devastated by what I am uncovering about myself – and yes I have talked about these profound fears that are surfacing.”

“But I am not afraid to go into this now.” I add clearly. “I want to go into it.”

“Go back to when you were a child and envision yourself under the direction of an adult authority of some type.” Keith guides me. “How do you see them?”

People-Pleasing Sources

I fumble for several minutes, providing surface answers that do not satisfy Keith. Finally I speak words that resonate – words that I already knew but was formerly unable to bring together in concept. In fact many of these thoughts do not fully gel for several days.

As a child, my desire to please my parents and leaders became the source of my perfectionistic behavior. I believed that I had to perfectly meet the expectations of my leaders or I would be judged harshly. I craved those blue ribbons and pats on the back. They were my only means of self-validation.

Since I struggled so intensely to please my leaders, a subconscious part of me believes that if I myself am a leader, then the people I am working with should also seek perfection.

A Wise Strategy

But it goes much deeper than that. When interacting with friends and coworkers, I can simply relax and be at peace … but if I am responsible for the result of someone else’s work or behavior, I immediately panic. I recognize that their work becomes my work – that their behavior is accountable to my superiors as being equivalent to my own.

“That is why I am so terrified of leadership.” I share with Keith. “I end up micromanaging everything – being the porch Nazi – because I absolutely know that I will be judged by the performance of those whom I lead.”

“The behavior of other is not something I can control without completely ruining things.” I ponder the twisted paradox. “Therefore, any type of leadership on my part is a guaranteed recipe for disaster.”

If I agree to lead, I will be responsible. If I am responsible, I absolutely have to make sure that a good job is done or my superiors will not be happy with me. If I attempt to convince those I am leading to do a job that matches my standards I will micromanage and alienate them, making a huge mess of everything. Once I create the mess, childhood pain will force me into a desperate attempt to be understood … and the loops of my childhood dysfunction will splat all over everything, spiraling ever downward.

Yes, it seems that avoiding leadership has been a very wise strategy – a strategy that has kept me from making things much worse in my life.

Give It Time

“What do I do?” I beg Keith for answers or guidance.

“Know thyself.” Keith lovingly coaches. “Feel the pain, observe yourself, learn about your feelings and behaviors, understand what you do … and simply follow the flow of your higher energy.”

“The fact that this has come up so powerfully in the last few days means that this issue is on its way out.” Keith gently reassures me.

Keith again congratulates me, reassuring me that the growth through which I am passing is a profound part of my process and my journey to become a healer. He helps take the edge off my own self-flogging by sharing a few personal stories of his own early struggles – struggles where he too had to face and clean up many of his own personality issues.

Swimming In The Currents

As I prepare to leave the porch after what has been a profound and powerful Wednesday afternoon chocolate ceremony, another dear friend congratulates me for having the courage and determination to go ever deeper, simultaneously blessing others with the honesty of my writing.

As I walk slowly home, my heart remains heavy and troubled, and I continue swimming in the swift emotional currents. I know I am already being a leader, but the thought of further stepping down that path continues to terrify me – continues to trigger my issues of unhealed childhood dysfunction.

It seems that I need all the loving feedback and encouragement that I can get.

Follow The Flow

Early Thursday morning, sleeping is impossible. A local church is celebrating the Festival of Corpus Christi, and some of the noise begins as early as 3:30 a.m., with even more noise at 5:00 a.m. as two loud firework bombs explode in the air directly over my apartment.

By 5:30 a.m., I have given up on my pouting attempts to avoid meditating. I am still emotionally struggling from yesterday, and could easily have remained in bed if the local festivities had not insisted that I need to be doing something different.

Ego Extravaganza

During meditation this morning, I continue to feel deep distress over the amount of judgments (self and projected) that surfaced in group yesterday, and that continue to plague my heart. I cannot focus, and constantly find myself with eyes wide open, staring blankly at nearby birds and trees.

Inner ego voices consume me, screaming that I am incapable of unconditionally loving others, taunting me for feeling any type of judgment at all.

I imagine myself in the elevator scene of the movie Revolver, talking back to ego, declaring that this judgment is NOT me – but my words fall on deaf ears, drowned out by the noise of all my inner chatter.

I know these thoughts originate from ego masquerading as me – yet I struggle to remain aware of that knowing. The angry-preacher voice rages inside of me, ranting on and on as the voice of angry perfectionism, insisting that judgment is who I am.

“No, I was not judging people on the porch yesterday.” I remind myself with love. “I was simply discerning that several of them were stuck in fears. I was not judging them; I was only wishing that I could somehow help them to move beyond their blocks – to find more joyful growth.”

“The only judgment I felt yesterday was aimed at me,” I ponder. “I was judging myself for feeling so utterly incapable of leading others – judging myself on how badly I would screw things up if I tried.”

An Inside Job

What I am experiencing is not “out there” I begin to ponder with clarity. It is an inside job. My struggle with being a leader is being projected “out there”, but it too is profoundly about inner leadership – about learning to work with inner energies.

Those energies that sat across the table from me in my inner conference room yesterday – those are the energies I need to learn to love. As I learn to be a leader of my own inner parts, I will then cease to project that dysfunction out into the world onto other people.

“Yes,” I begin to understand with deep confidence. “My struggle with leadership is totally an inside job.”

Cycling Insights

At one point in meditation, I connect with my circle of friends in that heavenly room, asking them if they will simply hold and comfort me. As I do so, I sink into teeth-chattering sobs – attempting to remain quiet as I allow tears to stream down my cheeks.

“I am not afraid of leadership.” I clearly proclaim. “I am afraid of inner perfectionism projected outward.”

Back and forth I cycle into periods of sadness and self-deprecation before again returning to my beautiful circle of friends. Multiple waves of tears are shed as I vacillate between loving insight and self-loathing.

My drive toward perfectionism terrifies me. The thought of being a porch Nazi breaks my heart.

This cycling into and out of clarity seems to serve its purpose well. Eventually, my painful emotions are released and new hope finds a beautiful sunrise.

“I don’t need to worry at all about external leadership.” I profoundly realize. “I can truly focus on learning to be an unconditionally-loving Higher Self to my inner energies. The healing of my inner journey will remove the source of my projections – it is as simple as that.”

It is Time

One thing I always do before continuing my writing is to reread my most recent blog. After finishing my meditation, as I read through “A Love-Starved Beast”, one paragraph grips me, causing me to deeply sob.

“Please,” I feel the Beast respond pleadingly, “I can’t let go until I know that you will love me and forgive me – that you will no longer hate me for what I have had to do.”

As I read these words, I again see the Beast holding me by the throat, staring me in the eyes, pleading with me to understand him, to not hate him, to not judge him, refusing to let go until he can feel understood and know that I will continue to love him.

“This is one of those energies that I need to learn how to lovingly lead.” I ponder to myself. “These parts of me are indeed starved for love, suffering from neglect, from harsh self-judgment, from abandonment and blatant absence of leadership.”

It is time for me to step into a leadership role – one with myself.

Perfect Timing

As I prepare for bed on Thursday evening, I suddenly understand another profound truth.

“My inner energies will not fully open up until I find true self-love. And true self-love can only be found when I make absolute loving peace with all parts of my self – with every player in my metaphorical conference room. It is my job to be the dynamic loving leader that brings such unconditional love back into my body – into the ecosystem of all of those beautiful conscious energies that desperately desire to learn to love and work in peaceful joyous harmony.”

If my energies were to open sooner, before this self-love is in place, I would use those healing energies to project an unhealed version of myself onto others. That is the last thing I want to do. I trust that my healing process will progress with perfect timing.

It’s An Inside Job – Really

With as many times as I have grasped this concept, I now see it at an even deeper level of understanding.

It is not about learning how to stop judging others – it is about learning to stop judging myself.

It is not about learning to love others – it is about learning how to truly love myself.

It is not about learning how to be a leader of others – it is about learning to be an unconditionally loving leader of myself – of every part of myself.

Such concepts can be infinitely expanded to include any issue that I project out into the mirror of my reality.

An Abandoned Employee

Keith recently shared a web article with me – an article titled “Understanding Negative Ego” written by Jach Pursel: http://www.lazaris.com/publibrary/stjnegego.cfm.

As the flow of my being would have it, I read this article for the very first time on Wednesday morning, right before the chocolate ceremony. The article did not resonate with me at all, and the metaphors used to illustrate ego seemed silly and a waste of my time. The analogies did not conform fully to my belief systems, and I was ready to put the words on the pile of “thanks but no thanks.”

In this article, Jach Pursel shares a metaphor related to ego being a mail-room employee, and we, the observer-conscious-self are the chairman of the corporation. The metaphor finds us abandoning our leadership role and asking that poor little mail-room employee to begin doing all of the work and making all of the management decisions. In this unfolding analogy, the ego gets quite angry and resentful at having been abandoned and expected to do things that are clearly not his responsibility. Eventually, he becomes downright defensive, doing everything he can to preserve himself amid the chaotic non-management.

As I now go back and ponder the metaphor, I find that it fits perfectly with what I myself have been doing inside of my own body. It is my job to be a Higher Self to my inner energies – and I had abandoned that role, leaving all the various energetic parts of me to fend for themselves. Inner battles erupted, vicious hatred and feuds developed – ongoing wars between masculine and feminine, etc.

I now realize that my role as a leader is to return to the mail room, to find all of the subconscious (and physical) parts of me who feel abandoned, cheated, misjudged, hated, neglected, etc, … and to lovingly bring them back into my confidence. I will not achieve this as a projecting dictator … I will do it as an unconditionally loving servant, slowly proving to these parts of me that I am really here to do my job at last.

Amazing Self-Love

Friday and Saturday as I immerse myself in more passionate writing, it seems that my heart has risen to a new level. A new sense of joyful optimism reigns in my soul.

I am thrilled by the profound healing of these amazing six days. As usual it has been a powerful combination of meditations and metaphors that have all come together in perfect sequence and harmony.

Yes, I am indeed a Higher Self to my inner energies, as was so clearly shown to me in meditation on Monday morning – and yes, for most of my life I have completely abdicated the unconditionally-loving leadership responsibilities that accompany such an important role. The leadership that terrified me in the outer world was really a projection of an inner world in chaos.

As I further ponder an early morning meditation of only six days ago, I remember a cute little dog that somehow managed to sneak past two gates and joyfully run up my staircase.

“Perhaps I did not send away that missing self-love part of myself after all.” I ponder as I remember how I had shoed that little messenger away.

It seems that these last six days did indeed bring a profound gift of self-love – of being an unconditionally-loving leader to my own inner being.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

After a much needed break from writing and personal inner work, I am now back in Guatemala – eager and ready to continue my journey into the unknown.

The past 11 weeks have been amazing. I will write about them very soon, but first I wish to attempt one more fix at solving the problem with my automated email subscription service. I strongly suspect that my third-from-the-last blog entry had some type of illegal HTML characters in it – character sequences that are interfering with my email service – so I have decided to delete those last three blogs before posting this interim one.

If this interim-test blog shows up on automatic subscription emails tomorrow morning, then I will have succeeded, and I will retype the deleted blogs and reenter them during the next couple of days – hopefully solving the problem once and for all.

If this interim-test blog does not get sent out automatically tomorrow morning, then I will simply repost the old blogs as-is and will begin to manually send out emails to subscribers from this time forward …

Stay tuned for future posts. I am passionate and eager to resume my writing.

Love,
-Brenda

I truly hope my words today do not offend and make things worse – but not-writing about this experience is simply not an option. I now clearly recognize the entire sequence of events as having been a profound stage play – one created by my higher energies – one designed to trigger me and to point out deeply dysfunctional patterns in my life – one orchestrated to push me toward new healing. 

I am genuinely humbled and hope that Debbie (not her real name), if she reads this, will forgive my deep inner exploration. 

An Unexpected Email 

Thursday afternoon, June 16, I receive an email from a casual friend – one of the people who had walked out early from the strange chocolate ceremony on Wednesday afternoon. 

Debbie is curious about what happened after she left, asking for my point of view regarding what occurred when the online-radio show had consumed the porch. She comments that she feels that we allowed our ceremony to be hijacked. 

“Did you get any value out of it?” Debbie asks with curiosity. 

Attempting To Teach 

When I receive this email, I continue surfing on a beautiful wave of energy – still glowing from the powerful insights about undoing of beliefs that had come as a result of staying to the very end of yesterday’s ceremony. 

“I know Debbie is seeking validation that the ceremony was an utter waste of time.” I ponder while putting words into my friend’s mind. “She is looking for me to confirm that she was right to leave early – that she didn’t miss anything.” 

“I will use my reply as an opportunity to illustrate to her that she might have had a wonderful experience if she had chosen to drop her judgments and to stay until the end.” I ponder. 

In a long response, I carefully explain how I too initially agreed that what was happening made no sense whatsoever, how the radio show had not resonated at all, and how strangely Keith had behaved with me after it was all over. 

I even attempt to playfully explain that I was fully responsible for what happened – that my energy had created the experience as a setup for my powerful growth. I jokingly apologize to her for how my personal creation had interfered with her experience. 

I finish off by sharing with Debbie how wonderfully the ceremony had turned out for me in the end – how I was so grateful that I had stayed – how I had come away with one of the most powerful growth experiences ever. 

In a very subtle way, I am attempting to teach my friend a lesson – to show her how she too might have had amazing growth if she had not abandoned the porch so early. 

Misinterpreted And Misunderstood 

To my shock and horror, an hour or two later I receive a reply from my friend. 

“Thank you for validating that that was a complete waste of time.” My friend begins her reply, referring to the Wednesday afternoon chocolate ceremony. 

In her response, Debbie thanks me for owning the fact that I created the interruption – and she goes on to express what I perceive as being harsh (and very inaccurate/ projecting) judgments about the gentleman (and my friend) who was on the radio show. 

As I read Debbie’s words, I am stunned by how my reply has been so distorted and misinterpreted. She mistakes me as saying that I “physically” created the situation – and she thanks me for validating her viewpoints, implying that I agree with what I perceive as her harsh judgments. 

All the while, she almost entirely glosses over the fact that in the end I experienced the entire ceremony as having been perfect – a beautiful growth experience for me. 

I smile as I recognize that I have been deeply misinterpreted and misunderstood. 

Still Surfing The Wave 

I continue to ride on my beautiful wave of light. Debbie’s words do not trigger me in the least. I am amazed that I do not feel any defensiveness, whatsoever – I simply realize that a personal conversation is needed to lovingly clarify the intentions of what I had failed to accurately convey in the email. 

Since I am in the middle of writing, I compose a quick reply indicating that we can talk later, and that I will attempt to respond when I have more time. I fully intend to wait until we see each other in person. 

My heart glows with love – I know that all is perfect – and that when I talk to Debbie, that all will continue to be perfect. 

Unexpected Email 

Friday evening, after spending a beautiful day writing and publishing “Certifiably Sane”, I am in an especially delightful and giggly mood. I have noticed for several days now that I am constantly whistling one of the songs from Beauty and the Beast. I don’t remember being this happy and light-hearted for a very long time. Child-like inner joy is beginning to return to my heart. 

After enjoying my favorite veggie burritos at a local restaurant, I return to my apartment with intentions of simply relaxing. But suddenly, as I continue to whistle, I also feel guided to check my email, soon discovering another communication from Debbie. 

How To Respond? 

Debbie has taken my original response and dissected it, inserting her own blue comments all over the place. Her comments are quite lengthy, and I perceive them as especially critical, judgmental, and ego-based. 

She proceeds to repeatedly rip even more viciously into my radio-show friend, and then more directly reminds me that I am the one that asked him to hijack the porch – asking me if I had asked myself why I did that. 

She even goes so far as to imply that maybe Keith had been an unknowing victim of the porch being hijacked – having been hypnotized and overpowered by the whole process too. 

Near the end of her comments, Debbie actually accepts my apology as being serious – one I had jokingly given when I mentioned that my higher energy had created the interruption for my own growth lesson.  

She finishes by implying that Keith’s porch is supposed to be “sacred space” and that we need to make sure that we keep it that way. 

Still Surfing The Light 

As I read Debbie’s words, I continue to glow with unconditional love – still giggly and light-hearted – even still whistling. 

“This is an incredible opportunity to teach.” Little Jedi voices whisper in my heart. “Send Debbie a reply tonight. Take the time to lovingly speak your truth … to show her how there are other ways to interpret the events that she seems to be seeing with such judgmental harshness.” 

I preface the letter with my loving intent, expressing that I feel deeply misinterpreted, sharing my hesitation to attempt such clarification via an email, and begging her to please interpret my words as being sent with genuine and pure loving intent. 

Lovingly-Intended Words 

My heart is genuine and glowing as I carefully wordsmith my reply. I choose to use the same response style. Using a red font, I dissect Debbie’s comments by adding my own responses right in the middle of hers – clarifying where I have been misinterpreted – pointing out her judgmental projections and teaching her how she could perhaps look at things differently. 

Before clicking on the send button, I reread the email at least four times – rewording several things to be more in tune with my loving intent – carefully checking-in with my intuitions to validate that what I am writing is the way I should say things. 

When I press the send button, I am totally pleased by what I have written, convinced that my words are beautiful – respectful – inspired – and that they will make a huge difference in helping Debbie to ‘see-the-light’. 

I Am Not Perfect 

I sleep like a baby – at least I do until 4:00 a.m. when I suddenly awaken and simply cannot fall back to sleep. 

Feeling an unusual urge to check my email, I soon discover a response from Debbie. 

Debbie’s words come across as loving and filled with insight – but there is also a little defensiveness as she expresses her hurt regarding how I have judgmentally dumped so harshly onto her. 

As I read on, I am shocked and humbled. I recognize that I have completely misinterpreted Debbie’s intentions. In my haste to explain and to defend myself from what I saw as her misinterpretation of my words, I had done the same to her, only worse. 

One of Debbie’s sentences stabs me in the heart. 

“I’m not perfect. It would be nice if you could give me a bit of a break.” She writes bluntly. 

Two Old Patterns 

Immediately, in deep humility, I compose a quick response as an attempt to apologize. In a very-wordy way, I attempt to explain what happened – how we had jointly misinterpreted each other in a spiraling way – admitting how I now humbly recognize my participation in harsh misinterpretations. 

As I continue explaining myself, I share a profound insight that pops into my head. 

“When I feel misunderstood, I feel an obsessive need to explain myself and to be understood.” 

Then another insight flows through my awareness. 

“I tend to react and judge people whom I perceive as judging others.” 

I finish my awkward apology by indicating that I continue to lovingly stand by the concepts that I had attempted to explain in my previous email – while fully apologizing for the fact that I got up on a defensive soap-box in the delivery process. 

A Perpetual Screw-up 

“I sure hope my reply patches things up between us.” I ponder lovingly as I attempt to drift back to sleep. 

But I am sad and unsettled. An old and extremely-dysfunctional behavioral pattern has been profoundly triggered and I am deeply disturbed by that fact. 

I have indeed lashed out in judgment toward someone that I perceived to be judging of someone else – and in my haste to do so, I also became excessively obsessive about trying to explain and defend myself. 

These are two of the most dysfunctional repeating patterns of my life – patterns that I had believed to be resolved and released long ago. Throughout much of my life, especially in my marriage, these behavioral patterns haunted me – always leaving me feeling like a hopeless, socially retarded, screw-up. 

“When I get into such situations,” I ponder sadly with embarrassment, “I get lost in attempting to defend myself, to further explain myself – and the end result is that I always create a complete mess of things.” 

Go To The Bottom 

Still wide-awake, I begin to meditate at 5:30 a.m., hoping to bring some peace to my troubled self-realizations – to my self-humiliation and pain. 

During meditation, emotions swarm at me from all sides. I attempt to blame these emotions onto ego, pushing them away and saying “I’m onto you ego.” And “I won’t fall for this one ego.” 

But after an hour of futile struggle I suddenly remember another truth. It is completely self-defeating and unproductive to stuff-down and to ignore any emotion. The only way to truly heal an emotion is to allow myself to go deeply into it, to the very core, to learn and understand what it is attempting to teach me. It is only then that the emotion can be released as no longer necessary. 

No, stuffing down an emotion is never the answer. Such denial and burial only postpone the healing process. 

I Just Want To Be Understood 

At 6:30 a.m., I abandon my meditation, crawl into my bed, and allow the deep, overwhelming emotions to consume me. 

“I just want to be understood.” The profound voice cries out over and over. 

In the midst of deep sobbing, I again ponder that this “I just want to be understood” theme has haunted me throughout my entire life – through my transition years, my marriage, my youth, and even my childhood – going all the way back to my original feeling of not being able to speak my truth as a tiny child. 

The emotional realization is profound and I feel as if perhaps I might now be able to focus on healing the root cause of something that I had mistakenly believed to have already been healed. 

See You Soon? 

At 9:30 a.m. on Saturday morning, as I stare numbly at my computer, wondering if there is any way that my emotions might allow me to write today, I receive another shocking and unexpected email. 

Debbie’s words are extremely curt and harsh. 

“I’m sure you mean well, but how about we just let my lessons be my lessons and yours be yours for now. I will learn my lessons at my own pace, not at your pace in any case.” 

Her remaining few sentences are equally as harsh, suggesting that our friendship should be at a greater distance – while closing with “See you soon.” 

A Social Retard 

Talk about shock and devastation. 

“I am such an utter screw-up.” I verbally lash out at myself. “My dysfunctional stupidity has now completely ruined a budding friendship.” 

Over and over, I mentally flog myself for having ruthlessly trampled over the feelings of a friend. 

In an attempt to see where I went wrong, I go back and reread every email that Debbie and I had exchanged. 

As I scour my words from Friday evening’s attempt to lovingly teach, I am horrified and deeply embarrassed by the insensitive and pushy way that I had presumed to force my beliefs and advice onto Debbie. I find it hard to believe that I could have ever thought those preachy words to be loving and kind. 

Then as I go back to the apology that I wrote this morning at 4:30 a.m., I am again extremely humiliated. It seems that my intention had been pure, but the way I expressed myself was defensive, long winded, and essentially saying that I stand by what I said – apologizing only in a passing way for the delivery – simply rationalizing my words as being the result of my own dysfunctional issues. 

“Wow, I really am a social retard.” I beat myself up even more harshly. 

Unhealed Treasures 

By 11:00 a.m., I am still unable to write – being so numb and miserable in my self-wallowing that I can barely function. 

“Are you doing private sessions today?” I ask Keith after finally walking for ten minutes to see if he is even home. “I’m trying to decide whether or not I might need one.” 

After briefly summarizing my embarrassing emails of having become the “angry preacher”, I share with Keith another profound insight. 

“I am projecting my relationship with my former wife onto Debbie.” I clearly recognize.  

With all of the genuine intentions of the world, the only thing I ever ended up doing in my marriage when I desperately tried to explain myself, was to make things worse. 

I also clearly recognize that this entire email exchange has been a clever setup by my higher energies. I did not feel the slightest need to defend myself last night – but I was strongly guided to write the words that I did. My entire back-and-forth exchange with Debbie was designed to profoundly trigger me – to show me buried treasures that remain unhealed. 

An Unworthy Healer 

But even with all of my insights, I feel horrible, deeply emotional, struggling with the fact that my actions have potentially ruined a friendship – perhaps even driven someone away from healing opportunities on Keith’s magical porch. 

Even worse is the humiliation of having believed myself to be so unconditionally-loving, only to realize how I have blatantly done just the opposite. 

“How can I profess to be a healer,” I ask Keith, “when I am capable of projecting so horribly onto someone that I want to help?” 

My Biggest Block 

“It is interesting how you are being prepared as a communicator to help the world understand the childhood conditioning process.” Keith points out lovingly. 

“And yet the biggest block that your energies put in front of you as a child was that you were not allowed to communicate the genuine nature of what was inside of you.” 

“Attempting to communicate your truth to those that you loved only got you in more trouble. You were slammed and shut down at every turn, feeling invalidated, rejected, and having your feelings hurt deeply. You just wanted to be understood and to have a chance to share your beautiful heart – but no one would listen.” 

“Wow,” I respond with shivers. “What amazing insight. My biggest block of not being able to be heard or understood is indeed what is passionately driving me to share my heart with the world – what is pushing me toward enthusiastically embracing my life mission.” 

Blessing And A Curse 

“Yes,” I pat myself on the back, “throughout my professional career, communicating about technical issues in a profoundly clear and simple manner was always my biggest strength. And I also have beautiful communication with countless amazing friends.” 

“But even now, I have a tendency to overwhelm people with genuine communication that ends up being rejected and not understood.” I ponder. “I have been starved for the opportunity to share – starved for so long that when someone listens, I don’t know when to stop.” 

“And then I end up ruining things all over again.” My sad emotions add. 

An Unattached Butler 

“I need to be a butler,” I share with Keith, “freely serving up my loving words, but being completely unattached to who receives them.” 

“I have no problem doing this with most people,” I ponder out loud, “but it seems that when I share with someone I love, with someone whom I believe needs to understand – then I tend to get lost in my dysfunctional pattern.” 

This lesson could not have been brought to me at a more perfect time – a time when I am rapidly approaching a trip back home where I will have ample opportunity to share with family and friends. 

“I don’t need to be understood.” I quietly tell myself. 

Trust The Flow 

“Congratulations for being so clear with where you are at and what you are doing.” Keith tells me proudly.  

“But it emotionally hurts so much.” I respond. “How do I heal these emotions?” 

“Just remain in the flow and be present as the healing unfolds in its own way.” Keith encourages me.” 

A Healer’s Saga 

“Most every healer goes through something similar.” Keith then teaches me. “They play out their issues with their clients, projecting big time until they finally heal their own inner dysfunction.” 

I am determined to heal myself, and I realize that I have projected in huge ways onto Debbie. I don’t want to be a healer that hurts those I attempt to help. 

“I call it a psychological fart.” Keith tells me jokingly. “When it happens it is not pretty, and it smells really bad – but it is part of the process of cleaning up your own projections – it is part of entering and embracing your own role as a healer.” 

Inner Knowing 

“Is there some process you can guide me into that will help me get through this painful emotion?” I beg Keith. “Even though I know the truth about what is happening – it still hurts so deeply.” 

“I’m getting that you need to get in touch with your inner children.” Keith guides me. “Allow them to be at whatever age that feels right. Get in touch with them and get familiar with their experience.” 

“The experiences of projecting in your marriage were not the source of this issue.” Keith adds. “Those projections were simply manifesting issues that originated much earlier in life.” 

Working Out The Kinks 

As I leave the magical porch to begin walking home, Keith again congratulates me, telling me many beautiful things about how I am such a skilled communicator. 

“Thank you so much for the positive feedback.” I reply with deep gratitude. “I so much need to hear those words at such a painful time.” 

“No Brenda,” Keith replies with a warm smile, “It is not ‘positive’ feedback – it is HONEST feedback.” 

As I stroll homeward, I am blown away by memories of how my self-expression has been discouraged throughout my life – a simple poem slammed by a teacher in elementary school – my inability to tell anyone about my transgender struggles – my inability so share new spiritual insights with family – and the list goes on and on. 

“Yes,” I ponder, “I did indeed setup a life where honest communication was shackled at every turn. I am so grateful that those chains are finally removed. I just need to work out a few of the kinks.” 

Needed Release 

At 2:00 p.m., after sending another very short apology note to Debbie, I go to bed. For the remainder of the afternoon, I simply allow myself to feel the emotions – letting them cry themselves out of my body. 

“I just want to be understood.” I feel my little child crying out. I cry right along with him. 

“I just want to be heard … I just want to be validated for who I am … I am not bad … please, just let me explain … you don’t understand … I’m good … I’m being genuine … I’m not trying to hurt you.” 

I feel a very small little boy cry out in profound helplessness as each of these thoughts repeatedly floods through my mind. These words do not come from rational memory – they come from the heart-breaking emotions of a very young child. 

Forbidden Words 

The rest of Saturday is consumed by emotional tears and gradual healing. 

In the process, I remember many extremely awkward times during my teens – times when I was deeply self-conscious about a broken nose, cracked teeth, pigeon toes, and hidden gender struggles. I was so horribly insecure about communicating, that whenever I did dare to open my mouth in an attempt to speak, I spoke so rapidly that no one could understand half of what I said. 

I hated myself so profoundly that I avoided every opportunity to speak-up in public. I felt as if my words were stupid and meaningless – that I had nothing to share. The only thing I wanted to share – what I desperately craved to share – where the feelings in my heart. But those words were strictly forbidden.

Strange Dreams 

At 2:30 a.m. on Sunday morning, I awaken with little snippets of weird dreams – all of which make little sense – dreams about dogs and cats – and a dream about cobwebs in my doorway, cobwebs that encase two little stick figures, one a boy and one a girl. It seems that I have been halfway between waking and sleeping all night long. 

“Dogs and especially cats were the only ones in my childhood that would listen to me share my heart.” I ponder. 

“I need to clean out the emotional cobwebs that continue to hold my masculine and feminine selves hostage.” I ponder while trying to return to dreamland. 

Cutting The Cord 

As I begin to meditate at 6:30 a.m., still after hardly sleeping, I continue to wallow in painful emotions. I ponder recent emotional memories of having empathically consumed my mother’s emotional pain as a child. 

“Whoa,” I suddenly pause my meditation, “Is this what I am doing with Debbie? Do I feel so guilty for what I did to her that I have established an energetic ‘give-me-your-emotional-garbage’ link with her? Am I sucking in all of her pain from our two-sided exchange in attempt to keep her from feeling the effects of what happened?” 

It all makes so much sense. This is what I did as a child – and what I did in my marriage too. And this is what I am doing with Debbie right now. This is the reason why I continue to suffer emotionally – why I cannot just let go and move on. 

As these realizations flood my mind, I set my energetic intent on breaking this unhealthy emotional connection with my friend.

“Debbie,” I meditatively speak to my friend, “your side of this emotional exchange is your own creation – your issue to face. It is not my job to carry your pain. I have been loving and genuine in my intent to follow the energies, and I will no longer suffer for what I think you might be feeling.” 

While these thoughts pass through my mind, I simultaneously begin to feel much better and more emotionally stable. 

Motherly Memories 

As this process continues to unfold, I lose myself in childhood memories.  

“I clearly did this same thing with my mother.” I ponder with insight. “I have solid memories at around age eight or nine where I watched my mother suffer because of something one of my siblings did. I remember experiencing the sadness that my mother felt while doing everything I could to make her feel better.” 

Still in meditation, I begin a deep process of releasing emotional garbage that is no longer mine to carry. For the remainder of meditation, I give back emotional pain to Debbie, to my parents, to my siblings, my teachers, my childhood friends, and religious leaders. I then release guilt sucked up from my former spouse, my children, and several adult friendships – friendships that had dissolved in the midst of overwhelming emotional confusion. 

This process of giving back the guilt and pain brings such relief to my tired and aching body. I continue to be exhausted, but most of my emotional anguish and physical aching has disappeared. 

Breaking The Ice 

“There are a thousand places I would rather be right now,” I share with Keith as I briefly walk into his Kitchen before the Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony. 

“But this is where I know I need to be.” I add. “It is just that I am so uneasy about how things will be between Debbie and me, if she actually shows up on the porch this afternoon.” 

I sit on my cushion, nervously awaiting my friend to show her face. 

“I’m so sorry.” Are my first words to Debbie when she finally does walk onto the porch. 

“What a beautiful way to greet me.” Debbie responds, as we soon exchange a genuine hug. 

I still feel slightly awkward, but could not have imagined a more perfect way to break the ice – to release my tension – and to allow me to fully immerse myself into a beautiful afternoon. 

Head Stuck 

“Brenda,” Keith surprises me as we begin individual work. “I have a message from your guides. They have something for you today if you will allow it.” 

I focus on allowing, trying to relax, trying to get out of the way – but again confusion overwhelms me as I ponder, “How do I get myself to allow?” 

I am desperately stuck in my head while trying to get out of my head – and having a very difficult time of it. 

It Simply Flows 

Finally I put myself in my meditative movie theater, sitting on the front row, watching myself attempting to allow. Again I feel tremendous resistance. 

Keith moves on to work with someone else while I continue to focus on two things – “allowing” and “listening to the work of others.” 

One beautiful woman says something that touches me deeply. She describes how she is feeling emotional density simply flowing out through her relaxed breathing – indicating that it requires no effort – and that it simply flows on its own. 

No Effort Required 

I latch onto this concept and begin my own conscious breathing, peacefully imagining that emotional densities are calmly flowing out of the front of my throat with each breath. 

Gradually, I begin to feel gentle energy movement, rising from the pain in my solar plexus, passing through my heart, and leaving out the front of my throat. The flow is beautiful and peaceful, requiring absolutely no effort on my part. 

An Innocent Question 

Later, I feel intuitively guided to add another metaphor to the process. I soon find myself hooking up an imaginary garden hose to a huge storage tank. I am sitting by my old bottomless pit, seated in a lawn chair while my little girl, Sharon, occupies another lawn chair just to my right. 

Without breaking the peaceful breathing flow through my throat, I imagine the inner densities as also coming out of this hose. I attempt to visualize fireworks exploding as the density disappears on its way to the bottom of the pit – but this once-fun metaphor no longer works. The flow through this little hose is extremely slow and unmotivated. 

In the midst of this process, I quietly listen while Keith works with another woman on the porch – a woman doing deep emotional childhood work. I begin to cry inner tears as I relate profoundly to my friend’s process across the porch. 

“Sharon,” I suddenly find myself guided to ask my little girl. “Would you like to hold the hose?” 

A Bigger Mess 

To my surprise, I feel Sharon freak out at the very instant that I metaphorically hand the hose to her. 

“I can’t let go of this density.” I hear her exclaim with fear. “I have to hang onto it … it is my sacred duty to keep it … I’ll get in trouble … I have been carrying this around for a very long time … whenever I tried to release it I got into huge trouble.” 

“I always made such a mess of things when I tried to make people understand what I was feeling.” I sense Sharon cry out in desperation. “If I release this now I will just make an even bigger mess.” 

A Younger Sharon 

As Sharon expresses these powerful fears, I sense her emotional tears bursting inside of me. I cannot help but cry right along with her. I whimper a great deal as tears gush down my cheeks. A pile of wet tissue builds up rapidly beside me. 

“This hose thing is going very slowly.” I soon share with Keith after filling him in on my adventure. 

“Brenda,” Keith suggests, “why don’t you bring in the angels and have them work with your little girl so that she can learn how to do this too?” 

“Doesn’t she already know that she is an empath?” I ask confused. “She has already shown me how to do the same thing?” 

“Don’t get stuck in your head Brenda.” Keith smiles as he moves on to work with someone else. 

I smile as I remember that past, present, and future are all simultaneous, and that this inner work is definitely not a part of linear sequential time.  

“Who says I can’t go back to a younger Sharon who has not yet recognized her empath abilities?” I ask myself with a giggle. 

Unavailable Angels 

As I attempt to bring in angels to help, my meditation repeatedly falls flat. It seems that every time I try, I end up experiencing severe resistance and the metaphor will not remain in my mind. Finally I simply give up on the angel idea and continue sitting with Sharon while she holds the garden hose. We simply keep on doing what we were doing before. 

Meanwhile, I still sense a beautiful relaxing energy flow, effortlessly leaving my body through the front of my throat, lovingly being released with every breath. 

Hopelessly Lost 

While Keith again works his way around the porch, I remain stuck in my tearful release, deeply feeling the pain of my little Sharon, piling the tissues higher and higher, while being completely unable to make any additional progress on my own. 

When Keith completes his loop around the porch, he asks me an unexpected question.  

“Brenda, would you like some help from the group?” Keith surprises me. 

“Oh yes, please, I would love some help.” I eagerly respond. 

I am so grateful, it feels so right, and I am so hopelessly lost in my tediously slow process. 

“Oh and bring the angels back in to help.” Keith adds as an afterthought. 

“Keith,” I respond with confusion, “the angel thing doesn’t seem to be working with my little girl. I tried that before, but it simply fell flat – as if there was strong resistance or something.” 

“Brenda, now you are onto something big.” Keith congratulates me. 

“Perhaps I need to pay better attention to my failures in meditation.” I ponder quietly. 

Angelic Terror 

“What was that little girl’s opinion about angels as she was taught at around three years old?” Keith inquires. 

For a minute or two, I am again stuck in my head, trying to remember something with rational mind. I propose several possibilities about the negative religious feelings Sharon might have felt from teachings that did not match with what she knew inside. 

Suddenly, I envision an angel coming down and standing in front of me, holding golden tablets of judgment – tablets on which are written words like: “Thou shalt not” … “evil” … “rules” … “authority” … “Satan.” 

As this image floods my mind, I double over and begin to sob profusely. 

“Sharon is terrified of the angels and higher beings.” Keith fills in the gap while I continue crying. 

I intuitively recognize the truth of everything he says. 

“These beings judged her and got her in so much trouble.” Keith adds. 

Unspoken Truth 

Without warning, I suddenly begin to cough uncontrollably. Over and over again I cough and cough and cough, sometimes coughing so hard that I gasp for breath. 

Each time I try to lift my head to speak my throat again closes off – metaphorically telling me that my expressive chakra was severely restricted. 

Finally, after a few minutes of extreme coughing, my urge to cough simply vanishes. 

“I was not allowed to speak my truth.” I confidently explain to the group. “My body could not have given me a more profound and clear truthful message than this coughing fit. That little three-year-old absolutely could not speak her truth.” 

With the coughing now gone, I explain to Keith that my little girl is still terrified of the angels. Keith quickly suggests that we will not push Sharon into facing this fear. 

Speaking For Her 

“Brenda,” Keith follows a new intuition. “Ask your little girl if she is ready and willing for everyone here in the group today to connect with her and to help her move some density.” 

“Yeah, I think she is …” I share with Keith after a brief pause. 

“Brenda,” Keith coaches me firmly, “ask her, don’t just speak for her. Connect with her and ask if she is ready and willing to allow this.” 

“Give me a minute.” I ask Keith. 

To my shock and sadness, I humbly recognize that I was doing the same thing to Sharon that my parents had done to me as a child. I was not connecting with her in a genuine way, and I was not allowing her to speak her truth. Instead I was simply speaking for her. 

Abort Buttons 

For several minutes I make Keith wait silently while I go inside to connect with my little girl. I imagine myself getting down on my knees, holding her hands, and looking into her eyes while explaining what we as a group would like to do to assist her. 

“Would you like to do this?” I ask my little girl, reassuring her that she is in charge of the whole process. “Here is a button that you can push at any time if you change your mind. You have one-hundred-percent authority.” 

Finally, I experience a strong peaceful feeling. 

“Yes,” I tell Keith, “She is ready … and I gave her a button to push so that she can stop everything in an instant if she changes her mind.” 

“Give her two buttons,” Keith smiles back. 

A Relaxed Heart 

I imagine myself holding Sharon’s hand, constantly reassuring her as the group begins to connect with her energy, constantly reminding her that she is in charge. 

One intuitive friend later tells me that she was able to feel everything that Sharon felt during the entire process. 

“There, did you feel that?” Keith asks as he indicates that Sharon was finally able to release a little of the emotional density. 

“Yeah, just a little.” I respond. 

Eventually I begin to feel a lot of energy moving out, ever so slowly and peacefully. I also feel little Sharon gradually relax. 

“Oh, she just began to relax her hands.” I share with Keith as I unexpectedly feel my hands begin to relax. “And now her feet … Oh, and now I feel my heart relaxing, and the sharp pain I was feeling at the “nail-in-the-heart” spot is dissolving.” 

“Yes, she is letting her heart relax.” I sigh with peace. 

Magical Release 

I experience a great sensation of loving peace as the process proceeds – and the front of my throat chakra continues to be delightfully peaceful. 

For nearly an hour, the entire group assists little Sharon with this energy release. 

“Is your little girl ready to let you work with her one-on-one now?” Keith eventually interrupts. “Will she let you assist as the empath that you are?” 

Again for a minute or two I genuinely connect with my little girl before answering to Keith: “Yes, she is.” 

As I do so, I begin to feel a sharp pain rise up in my heart at the very moment that I respond. I “send love” to the pain while watching it slowly drift upward into my neck where it beautifully dissolves. It seems that I need do nothing other than simply watch and observe. 

“Was that my pain?” I ask Keith curiously. 

“No, that was something that Sharon was carrying that she released to you,” Keith answers confidently. “She allowed it to move through your heart.” 

A Genuine Relationship 

Repeated waves of such pains rise up into my physical awareness. Some pains are stronger than others as they gradually appear, move slowly into my upper chest, then into the neck, and then peacefully dissolve while disappearing with my breath. 

No effort seems to be required. I simply watch and allow, using no mind control whatsoever. 

Through it all, I see my little Sharon as a real three-year-old with whom I am experiencing a real and loving relationship – I feel the sensation of genuine self-love for the first time in ages. 

This process goes on for another half hour. Shortly before the end, I begin to feel considerable twitching activity going on in my eyebrows, accompanied by a sharp tingling feeling at the top of my forehead. 

“Just keep watching it unfold.” Keith guides me. “Learn from it, but do not push. Just allow.” 

Pizza Party Plans 

“I want to treat my little girl to a pizza tonight.” I share with Keith as ceremony winds to a close. 

“A couple of us here on the porch might join you,” Keith smiles, “if you would like some company, that is.” 

To A New Level 

“Congratulations, Brenda,” Keith speaks with genuine sincerity. “That was beautiful work today, taking you to a whole new level of allowing and connecting … actually connecting with Sharon and feeling her feelings rather than just doing it for her.” 

Keith then points out how powerful it was when I recognized the block with Sharon’s fear of angels, and how I allowed that theme to evolve in such a profound way. 

“You were actually following without pushing,” Keith continues, “moving the energy by simply allowing rather than trying to use effort to force it as you have had to do in the past. What you did was much more natural and beautiful.” 

“I felt it.” I respond with deep gratitude. “It was really nice to experience such a peaceful and effortless release.” 

When You Decide 

Next, Keith surprises me even further by speaking directly to Sharon, telling her that in the future, when she is ready to do so, either in a group or just with me, that she needs to make a decision as to when she is ready to try connecting again with an angel or some other higher being. 

“You will not be pushed.” Keith reassures Sharon. “It will totally happen when you decide.” 

Again Keith reiterates his beautiful feedback about my having achieved a whole new base-level for my work – being less in my head and more in tune with the energies and the blocks to those energies – responding at a more connected heart-and-feeling level. 

I again find myself up on an energetic surfboard, riding the wave of light. 

Loving Integration 

To my delight, Debbie decides to join me, Keith, and one other friend, as we enjoy a delightful celebration with Sharon over delicious pizza at a small local restaurant. 

I am so thrilled that my friendship with Debbie has not been totally destroyed. I only pray that if she reads these words, that she will continue to remain forgiving. 

Debbie had been an integral participant in my powerful process with Sharon. At one point Keith had commented on the beautiful sweet energy that she was sharing with my little girl. 

I am not yet skilled enough in my energy discernment to pick out the energy of a single individual while filtering out the energy of others – but I profoundly know that Keith is able to do so. 

“Maybe when Sharon and I are able to build more trust together,” I ponder late Sunday evening while lying on my pillow. “Just maybe we both might be able to develop and integrate these sensitivities together – and maybe it is just as simple as believing that we can.” 

In Perfect Order 

These last four days have been an intense roller coaster ride – a wild ride where genuinely-intentioned words launched me into a violent spin of old behavior and emotional patterns – patterns of judgment – patterns of desperately seeking to be understood – and patterns of craving the opportunity to speak my truth. 

As I honestly look back at those events, doing so from a clear vantage point, I am filled with gratitude for everything that occurred with precise timing. 

There is no doubt in my mind that both Debbie and I were playing into a script that was orchestrated by the combined efforts of both of our higher energies. The emails that we exchanged, including their exact timing, were skillfully designed to launch me into my Saturday loop of painful emotional discovery. 

I cannot speak to Debbie’s process, but the resultant growth that unfolded in my life has been extremely timely and profound. 

Because of the honest and genuine way in which I looked into the mirror of my pain, I have been gifted with priceless understanding into old patterns – and have made huge headway into healing my relationship with a beautiful inner child.

As usual, I just giggle as I consider how simply following the flow seems to take me through everything in perfect order. 

As I further ponder the priceless gifts of understanding, one gift stands out above them all. 

I am dazzled by the fact that being unable to communicate – unable to speak my truth – has indeed been the biggest of all emotional blocks in my life. I am mesmerized by the realization that what was once my biggest block is now passionately guiding me into the future. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Tuesday, after an incredibly restful sleep, I am deeply blessed by profound understanding and integration that comes from putting the finishing touches on my experiences with a very loyal scorpion. There is no doubt that the little stinger-guy was simply honoring divine guidance, stinging me exactly when and where he was asked to do so – bringing me a profoundly symbolic message – a blog entry that I lovingly publish titled “Synchronous Scorpion Symbolisms”. 

I continue to be blown away by the synchronous nature of my journey – the timing and flow of every event on Keith’s porch, of my own meditative and emotional journeys, and of my writing – they all seem so amazingly synchronized. 

Pertinent Wisdom 

I cannot believe it is already June 15. The month is already half over and I am still passionately writing – still focusing on bringing my writing current – and I love every moment. 

After a hurried boat trip to Panajachel for cash and errands, Wednesday afternoon finds me again sitting excitedly on the magical porch of the Chocolate Shaman. I have long-since learned to arrive with no expectations or attachments – to simply show up with an open heart and mind, ready and willing to embrace everything that occurs. Today, this wisdom proves especially pertinent. 

Watching And Waiting 

After a beautiful group meditation and simply basking in the glow, the heart of the ceremony begins. 

“Brenda, let’s start with you.” Keith catches me off guard. “Where are you at?” 

“Well I have the usual mild pain in my solar plexus, but I am a little confused. Nothing seems to be coming up.” I begin to share. “I continue to watch the blocks in my third-eye, and now as I talk to you my solar plexus pain is starting to increase … blah blah blah.” 

“Just continue watching yourself.” Keith guides me as he quickly moves on. 

As Keith starts to work with others, I feel guided to simply observe and wait; I pay close attention, trusting that something profound will soon trigger me. 

Open Floodgates 

As Keith works with a woman across the porch, digging deep into childhood shutdown issues, my own tears begin to trickle as I profoundly relate to what is being processed. Soon, as Keith works with another woman, my emotions are again deeply triggered by more childhood discussions. I am on the edge of tearful emotional release, continuing to watch the emotional waves that ebb and flow inside of my being. 

A short while later Keith begins to work with a man who is sinking deeply into a process involving his blocked throat chakra. The issue being processed has to do with his inability to speak his truth as a child. 

Suddenly, my own emotional floodgates burst open. 

My Own Oppressor 

“I never had a voice as a young child.” I ponder with intuitive clarity. “I was angry that I did not have a voice – that I could not express my own unique truth – that I had to simply stuff my feelings and be a well-behaved conforming citizen.” 

“The more I suppressed my true inner voices,” I continue pondering, “the angrier I became – yet that anger could not be expressed. Expressing my anger in any way only got me into deep trouble. Having no outlet for release, the anger was stuffed down and turned inward.” 

As I grew older and gradually switched roles, the unexpressed anger eventually became the projected emotion of self-hatred. Rather than being the victim of my well-intentioned parents and teachers – I became the collaborative voice of those leaders, literally hating any part of me that would not conform to the cultural box, any part that appeared to be different than the norm. 

“I became my own oppressor,” I ponder deeper, “the relentless enforcer of family, cultural, and religious rules. 

Projected Rebellion 

Not only was this anger projected against myself, it eventually began to be projected onto anyone else who was not perfect in the eyes of the unreasonably high standards that I set for myself – standards designed to win as many blue ribbons and pats on the back as possible. I absolutely had to please my parents and leaders. With my own inner voices having been completely squashed, external praise was the only source of validation and self-worth. 

The oppressor-voice gradually took up residence inside of my own head, pretending to be me, spewing self-hatred all over me. The angry-preacher-on-a-soap-box that lives inside of me is none other than my childhood rebellious anger projected both inward and outward. 

I momentarily reflect on the real-life angry preacher that I heard several times just last week. 

“Is my suppressed anger/self-hatred really that strong?” I ponder. 

Pondering Punching 

As Keith continues to work his way around the porch, everyone else’s work seems to greatly facilitate my understanding of this angry inner voice. Tears stream lightly down my cheeks with each garnered emotional insight. 

“My tummy hurts.” I think to myself. “I am tired of this anger continuing to live inside of me, but I am clueless as to how to extract it.” 

Part of me wants to access the anger in an experiential way, punching cushions and re-experiencing it in a physical way. In fact, when Keith finally returns to work briefly with me, I am already holding a cushion on my lap, pondering as to whether or not I will begin to punch away. 

“Do I need to let myself actually get angry in order to release this anger?” I beg Keith for answers. 

Two Deceptions 

“Brenda,” Keith guides me. “Imagine an angel from your Mormon past. The angel will come down and stand in front of you, holding large golden tablets filled with rules and judgment.” 

“Ouch,” I express with deep resentment and pain. “I cannot fathom such lies attempting to tell me that God is judgmental … it hurts … I want to deeply reject this angel.” 

“Now,” Keith again guides me, “remove the angel’s mask and clothing, revealing a deceptive demon hiding underneath the costume.” 

As I ponder this demon in front of me, I feel quite justified in my anger – justified in recognizing that the angel was indeed a deceptive preacher – instilling fear and judgment onto me in the name of God. But I still cannot let go of my anger. 

A Divine Partnership 

Keith then guides me to imagine the demon as being replaced by a higher being with whom I have an agreement – an agreement that I will get lost in these lies – lies of both the angel of judgment and the demon of deception. This higher being and I know that this whole process is part of my own life plan – part of the conditioning and growth through which I needed to pass in order to learn and understand my life path, in order to be able to help others. 

“Now ask this higher being to begin taking elements of this angry preacher voice from you.” Keith guides me. 

Keith suggests that I then focus on the belief systems, thoughts, feelings, and emotions of this angry preacher – asking the higher being to receive from me anything that is now ready to be released, that no longer serves me in my growth process. 

Relaxing Rearranging Release 

As I begin to surrender and allow this process to unfold, ego again raises his hand with doubt and fear – telling me that I will fail … that I am simply imagining this … that it will not work. 

I attempt to merely thank ego for his opinion, responding “I am onto you and your lies will no longer work”, but I continue to struggle with the process. 

“Release this ‘ego-voice’ to the higher being.” Keith guides me. “Release these doubts as part of what you give away.” 

Soon, as I sink into focused relaxation, I feel a small-but-steady flow of energy leaving my body from the upper heart chakra. I have the sensation of energy rearranging things in my high-heart, as if I am again on the Goddess’s operating table. I simply remain in surrender-and-allow mode. 

As ego-doubts surface, I immediately thank them, direct them into the energy flow, and release them. 

A Harmless Suggestion 

At 3:30 p.m., a young man on the porch interrupts. For the purposes of this writing, I will call him “Paul”. 

Paul announces that he is scheduled to participate in an online radio show at 4:00 p.m., and asks if we can tell him where to go in San Marcos for a good Skype connection. 

“Sorry Paul,” I tell him, “you won’t be able to Skype at any of the low-bandwidth internet places here in San Marcos. Your only option would be to use a special cell-phone modem from a place where you get good reception.” 

“Keith has a setup here that usually works.” I share with Paul. “Perhaps he might let you use it inside while we continue with the ceremony out here.” 

My Own Creation 

As I attempt to return to my relaxing release process, Paul first get’s Keith’s permission to use his internet – but then suggests something to the whole porch. 

“Hey,” Paul speaks enthusiastically to all of us. “Maybe we could bring the internet out here on the porch and we could all listen to and participate in the live radio show.” 

I do not feel the least bit interested in participating, but I intuitively recognize that my higher energy is creating this interruption for a reason. I simply choose to sit back, to observe, to say nothing, and to go with the flow of whatever happens. 

Minutes later, with no verbally expressed opposition, Keith follows the energy and begins to help Paul setup his computer on the porch. 

Profound Curiosity 

Meanwhile, I again return to my relaxing release – quietly observing the disruption on the porch with profound curiosity and anticipation. 

I half-listen to the entire thirty-five minute program, but mostly tune it out while continuing my process. The content of the phone call seems to be a waste of my time. In fact, everyone but one other lady on the porch actually gets up and walks out in the first twenty minutes – silently expressing that they too see no personal value in what is happening. 

I seriously consider leaving too – but past experience tells me that if I remain, something profound might just happen. 

It is not until 5:00 p.m. that the porch returns to normal – but it is actually anything but normal. Paul has left, one other lady besides me remains, and Keith is tapping away on his laptop keyboard – seeming to ignore us both. 

As I continue to meditate quietly, I ponder the unfolding events with profound curiosity. 

“Is the ceremony over?” I speculate. 

“Or is Keith perhaps deeply immersed in another role-play episode, just like he did with me on April 15 when he drove me nearly insane by assuming the script of an authoritative parent.” 

Confusing Speculations 

During the last hour of my process, I had reached a point where the energy flow leaving my body seemed to cease. Shortly thereafter I began to feel resumed pain in both my chest and in my solar plexus. 

“Is this pain telling me that I am resisting something that I need to further release?” I think to myself while Keith types away on his laptop. 

“Or perhaps the pain might be me resisting a pushed-out part of me that now desires to return?” I speculate. 

I am completely lost, desiring help, but unsure as to the status of the ceremony. 

A Puzzling Interaction 

“Keith,” I finally interrupt the silence. “Are we still in ceremony or is your behavior indicating that we are done?” 

“You are still in your process,” Keith warmly acknowledges. “What is going on?” 

To my surprise, Keith immediately begins typing again.  

“I am really struggling here.” I explain my process and then continue my plea. “Can you give me any clues or feedback?” 

“Go back and reconnect with the being.” Keith guides me. “Find out if there is more that you needed to let go of. Your continued pain could mean that more needed to be released, and that it is now stuck because you stopped.” 

Keith again returns immediately to his laptop. I know he is paying attention, but I perceive his body language and typing as annoying and disrespectful. 

“I wonder what Keith has up his sleeve?” I ponder while attempting to remember that this puzzling behavior is a creation of my own higher energies. 

Screaming Ego 

Sure enough, when I reconnect with my higher-being friend, I feel an immediate flow of emotional density that again flows out of my upper heart region. As the flow stabilizes, the pains in my chest and solar plexus disappear. 

After a while, the flow again seems to stop on its own. 

While quietly sitting, pondering what to do next, I am consumed with insane judgments regarding what I perceive as being Keith’s bizarre behavior. He continues to type away on his laptop, appearing to be completely detached from what I am doing, appearing to not even care. 

“He should be paying attention to me!” Ego voices scream in my head. “This is just plain RUDE!”  

“Let’s go sit on the front row of the theater and just watch ourselves.” I feel my observer-self attempt to lovingly intervene. 

Seriously Acting 

As I sit watching the unfolding stage play, I struggle to detach myself from the insane ego judgments that recklessly fly all over my mind. 

“Brenda, it is just a performance.” I call out to my personality-self from the front row of the theater. “Don’t take this seriously. Keith is simply performing an Oscar-winning role in a script designed to test you – to see where you are in your ability to recognize ego. Don’t fall for it!” 

“Wake up Brenda.” I call out with encouragement. “Remember who you are.” 

On My Own 

“Keith,” I soon interrupt, without expressing my ego battle. “I feel as if I am done with the release process, but I am lost, unsure what to do or where to go next.” 

“Reconnect with the being and find out.” Keith gives me an answer that seems designed to further frustrate me. 

“Go deeper into the process to see where it leads you.” He adds before returning to his laptop. 

Ego wants to just scream, “He is ignoring me … he is not helping me … HOW RUDE OF HIM!” 

A Memory Of Friends 

“Why am I manifesting this reality?” I begin to ponder with extreme curiosity. “Why would I want my teacher to appear rude – to seemingly abandon me in this way?” 

“This ego part of me is deeply attached to the thought that Keith should put the computer away and rejoin the ceremony with his full attention.” I further ponder. “This part of me is extremely annoyed by his behavior.” 

“I am in a big-time ego loop.” I ponder with clarity. “I am deeply lost in my God/separation drama – again feeling abandoned in my time of need.” 

I struggle to remember that just down the metaphorical hallway is an energetic room filled with higher beings and spiritual guides that love me profoundly. They are simply waiting for me to connect and join them. Ego absolutely demands that I remain locked away in my pity party room, remaining separate and annoyed that higher energies are not coming to rescue me. 

A Stellar Performance 

I am getting desperate. Ego has an amazingly strong hold on my perceptions. I know that none of this is real, yet I feel chained to that pity-party room. 

For thirty minutes I try every metaphor I know, observing myself in the theater, reminding myself that this is all a stage performance of The Muppet Show, pondering the movie “Inception” and reminding myself that this is just a nested lucid dream. I cycle through it all – desperately seeking relief from the deeply rooted tentacles of ego. 

All the while, Keith continues to engage in a stellar performance, lovingly listening, continuing to look away while tapping on his keyboard. 

Adios Preacher 

Ever so slowly, my efforts begin to pay off. Gradually the dense energy judgments begin to give way to higher vibration light energies. Thoughts of condemnation dissolve at a snail’s pace – but slowly and surely I steadily increase in vibration, eventually reaching a state where I am beginning to glow with love and divine peace. 

“How are you doing Brenda?” Keith asks at what seems to be the perfect moment – a moment when my body is lighting up with this loving gratitude.” 

“I’m in the theater watching myself angrily judge you.” I respond to Keith with a smile. “I’m watching my God/separation-drama unfold, gradually raising my vibrations to higher levels.” 

“I have reconnected with my friend the higher being,” I continue, “and I am once again sending all of these judgmental angry-preacher thoughts to him, releasing these dysfunctional patterns out of my body. These angry ego thoughts are no longer mine to carry.” 

Return Of The Preacher 

As such enlightened words flow off my tongue, I notice that doubts are again beginning to surface in my heart – doubts saying that this is only a temporary insight – that what I am doing is very hard to do – that surely I am going to fail in the end.  

“I need Keith’s help!” I hear myself think as I notice that Keith continues to type away on his laptop. “He should put his computer down now and focus more on helping me!” 

“Thank you for playing your script so efficiently!” I verbally share with love, refusing to let that angry-preacher ego-voice control my thoughts. 

This inner battle is intense. 

A Solo Journey 

“This is a process that no one can teach me or do for me.” I ponder with profound clarity. “Keith cannot help me here. If he tried, it would interfere with my lesson.” 

“No, I must face this challenge on my own, finding my own inner connection to the divine.” 

As I sink deeply into meditation, I begin to realize that every feeling of inadequacy is an absolute and bold-faced lie. I have a room full of higher beings who love me unconditionally, who circle-up with me, who hold me and cradle me, who will help me with anything and everything that I need. 

“I have no idea what might be motivating Keith to play his side of my script.” I ponder with delight. “But I am overflowing with gratitude that he has the courage to play his role so brilliantly.” 

Forehead Tingles 

I begin to feel energy rising up my neck. Soon the tingling spreads higher, into my chin, my cheeks, the back of my head, my nose, my eyes, and even the top of my head – but one area that the energy does not seem to touch is the forehead. 

“It is only an ego-belief telling me that there is a block in my forehead.” I tell myself. “I choose to release that belief. 

Immediately I begin to feel tingles in my forehead – tingles that gradually strengthen and then begin to fade. 

“This will just be a glimpse of energy possibilities.” I hear another belief penetrate my head. 

I quickly release that new belief to the higher being, and to my delight the tingles return to my forehead, even stronger. 

Releasing Beliefs 

This process of experiencing self-limiting beliefs and then releasing those beliefs continues for a very long time. 

A beautiful energy consumes me as I let go of a steady stream of ‘voices in my head’. Whenever I recognize any voice that does not seem worthy of being spoken by an enlightened being, I release that voice – whether it be fears, doubts, or judgments of any form. 

When any type of unenlightened thought passes through my mind, I see it as an ego-lie – something masquerading as me – and I let it go with love. 

A Giggling Update 

“How are you doing,” Keith asks eventually. 

The fact that Keith continues typing while I share my amazing insights does not even bother me in the least. I am vibrating in a cloud of light, and am not attached in any way to what Keith may or may not choose to do. 

“I don’t need his help.” I silently giggle. “I am divine and I have divine help. Ego has no voice right now.’ 

Paradoxical Beliefs 

“Surely you will lose this divine connection when you go home tonight.” An ego voice taunts me. 

As I release that voice, I quietly acknowledge that life does indeed have its ups and downs, and that I likely will go through many downs between my ups. 

“If I do slip into a down,” I ponder, “I will no longer beat myself up with self-hatred and judgment.” 

“Is that a belief too?” I ponder the paradox. “Can I release the belief that there will be downs? Is that possible?” 

Perfect No Matter What 

Realizing that I am getting too much in my head, I simply remind myself that I am having a beautiful experience right now, that all is perfect and will continue to be perfect, no matter what unfolds next. 

“It is all a part of my process.” I giggle with peace. 

Silencing The Chatter 

“Do you have any final words of advice?” I briefly interrupt Keith’s typing. “The evening is growing quite late.” 

“Everything you have told me seems to be spot-on.” Keith congratulates me. “I can’t really add to your insights. You seem to have been quite thorough in your understanding.” 

Then Keith surprises me with what he tells me next. Following is a paraphrased version of his words: 

“We have been working on getting you to release all of the background chatter that constantly pulls you down, creates doubt, and pulls you backward. Today has been a very unique process in helping you to begin to let go of more of that chatter, to clear and silence that rational and mental chatter, and to help you move forward.” 

I Need Do Nothing 

As I meander down the cobblestone road, heading homeward, physical darkness is rapidly consuming the amazing evening – but light continues to glow in my heart. My heart is giggly and alive, mesmerized by the possibilities of simply shifting and letting go of old beliefs. 

“I really don’t need to do anything.” I ponder with clarity. “It is not about achieving enlightenment through noteworthy doings, actions, and behaviors. 

Instead it is all about undoing – undoing all of the beliefs that get in the way and that no longer serve me – undoing the ego thoughts such as doubt, fear, judgment, inadequacy, and failure that trap me in isolated separation – and undoing the patterns and dysfunctional behaviors that make me forget who I am, my divine nature, my higher-vibration birthright, and the unlimited support that is simply waiting for me to reach out with love. 

Everything that holds me back is nothing more than a belief that does not serve me. 

The Power Of Beliefs 

“Wow,” I ponder with wonder and amazement. “These things called beliefs are extremely powerful.” 

Today I have been given profound and unique glimpses into how beliefs literally do create my reality. 

As I continue walking, I cannot help but flash back to a conversation with Keith during one of our first sessions together, in the summer of 2010. 

“Is it possible for me to do what you do?” I had asked Keith with deep curiosity. 

“Yes Brenda.” Keith had answered. “The only difference between you and me is that I know I can do this, and you believe that you can’t.” 

Tonight I profoundly recognize that the only obstacles that stand in my way are the ongoing beliefs of separation – the ego beliefs that subtly whisper “I can’t.” 

Can it really be that simple? 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

As the Wednesday afternoon chocolate ceremony begins, I am in a very good place – but it does not take long for the inner metaphors to capture my attention. Annoying, embarrassing, and painful intestinal gas quickly begins to consume my lower belly while a cloudy and confused feeling again prominently manifests in the third-eye. 

“Focus on the energy going up.” Keith intuitively guides me as we begin a round of individual work. “Focus on opening the third eye.” 

I trust the guidance of my friend Keith – a man that most people here in San Marcos refer to as the “Chocolate Shaman.” Soon, I am deep in meditation, focusing on bringing loving energy to the lower center of my forehead. 

Like A Sponge 

Seconds later, Keith starts working with a woman seated just a few inches away on my left. As I overhear the discussion next to me, my abdomen suddenly erupts with extremely painful bloating, as if someone just lit up the insides of my solar plexus with a blowtorch. The intensity of this unexpected and excruciating pain is shocking and all-consuming. 

“Keith,” I intuitively ask in agony, “Is this pain my own … or am I feeling her emotional pain?” 

“It is her pain.” Keith surprises me by confirming my suspicion. 

I seem to be inhaling my friend’s pain – soaking it up like a sponge – and the pain is utterly unbearable. 

Double The Pain 

I know the pain is not mine, but I seem incapable of releasing it. In fact, as Keith works his way around the porch, the pain in my body only seems to increase. 

At one point, while Keith is helping a young man directly across from me, I suddenly grab my throat in agony. 

“Ouch!” I exclaim. “Someone here on the porch has a very blocked throat chakra.” 

A woman, just a few seats away, quickly confirms that she too feels the sharp pain in her throat. Keith then turns around and indicates that the young man with whom he is working is deeply blocked in his throat chakra. 

Now I am hurting in two places. My abdomen is still on fire, and my throat feels as if it is being choked. 

Wasn’t Even Mine 

“You are experiencing the pain that you felt as a baby.” Keith interrupts me unexpectedly from across the porch. “When you were a baby you had no defenses against such emotional energy entering your body.” 

“Yeah,” I respond with clarity, “As I sit here I have already figured that out. I am being given a profound glimpse of what happened when I uncontrollably felt the pain of everyone around me, and there was absolutely nothing that I could do about it – except to cry that is.” 

“Intuitively, I feel as if I was somewhere between eight-to-twelve months old when this started.” I share with Keith. “The pain came in uninvited. I was literally overwhelmed with pain that wasn’t even mine.” 

I Don’t Want It 

As Keith continues to work his way around the group my pain increases. I seem to be uncontrollably absorbing a little bit of everyone’s pain inside my own body. 

Even though I intuitively know that the higher energies are merely giving me a profound glimpse for learning purposes, fear begins to consume me – fear that I won’t be able to stop this painful emotional energy – fear that the emotional density will get stuck inside me – fear that I will never be able to tolerate such intense energies if this does indeed turn out to be my path. 

“I want this to stop.” I ponder with panic. “If this is what an empath actually feels, I don’t want it. It is horrifying and excruciatingly painful.” 

Up Not Down 

As Keith continues his way around the circle, the subject of being an empath comes up repeatedly. It seems that a large percentage of the newcomers today are emotional sponges. Upon completing his first loop around the porch, Keith follows his guidance and leads everyone through a basic empath training process. 

When it comes time to give the empaths a human subject on which to practice, Keith chooses a friend of mine – a woman sitting directly to my right. Everyone in the group who wishes to participate then focuses on helping to move the energy that she is ready to release. 

We assist my dear friend for a very long time as she sinks deeper and deeper in her own process. While doing my part, I experience the sensation of energy coming to my finger tips and then going up to the angels. This surprises me, because I usually send such energies to Mother Earth for transmutation. 

As the process continues, I feel a little of my own pain begin to move up and out of my body, joining the flow that is leaving to be transmuted by the angels. 

Doubts Versus Inner Knowing 

Overall, however, I still feel quite insecure in distinguishing what I am really feeling as I continue to fall prey to ego doubts that tell me this is all imagination and fantasy. 

As we participate in a process where we figuratively walk into my friend’s own private hell, I get the sensation that she is curled up in a fetal position in a cold and dark place – but then I rationalize that I must have been feeling my own private hell – not hers. Later, when Keith asks us to sense whether or not my friend is walking out with us, I again feel next-to-nothing – being totally stuck in my head. 

Intuitively I understand what is happening. Over the last few chocolate ceremonies, I have been unexpectedly given the gift of powerful glimpses into the profound nature of these empath energy abilities – glimpses that are undeniably showing me the possibilities of what remains frightfully locked away inside me.  

Even with all my self-doubt, a profound sense of inner knowing declares that these amazing glimpses are real. The only issue to address is the fact that I remain mostly shutdown as to my sensitivities and understanding of how to utilize these energies. 

Fear Of Being Overwhelmed 

When the empath training is complete, I get Keith’s attention. 

“Help me please,” I beg Keith. “I still feel some painful churning in my abdomen – pain that I know is not mine to carry. What do I do now?” 

“Just watch and follow your inner guidance.” Keith again forces me to trust myself. 

After a few moments of listening to feelings, I begin by inviting this painful abdominal energy to move up into my heart. As I do so, extreme fear begins to vibrate in my abdomen. I intuitively recognize this shaking as resistance and fear about further opening up this long-blocked and frightening ability. 

“If I allow these abilities to awaken in me then that pain will overwhelm me,” I begin to panic. 

Unfounded Doubts 

In the face of this unfounded terror, I repeatedly invite the prickly energy to rise up to my heart where I experience the release process as being quite painful. 

“Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts me, “try asking the densities to go straight down to Mother Earth for now, rather than bringing them up into your heart.” 

“Of course,” I think to myself. “These are not even my pains to deal with; why would I need to bring them into my heart to feel them?” 

As I follow Keith’s guidance I am again momentarily consumed with self-doubt and thoughts of inadequacy – completely not trusting myself.

“No,” I rally myself on, refusing to succumb to these unfounded ego doubts, “I know I will succeed. I know this is real.” 

Direct And Allow 

Then I remember something Keith has often said about working with these types of energies: “Just state your intentions, asking the angels to do it for you, and then allow … getting out of the way.” 

“Mother Earth,” I speak silently, “I don’t know how to do this, but I know that we are partners in this process. Will you please take these energies and transmute them for me?” 

After this silent plea, I lean back, relax my abdomen, and trust. As I do so, I sense a warm and relaxing energy that begins to flow away from my belly, down toward the earth below. As I simply watch and observe, the agitation and pains in my abdomen settle greatly. 

Butterfly Kisses 

After most people have left the magical porch on Wednesday evening, I remain meditating on my pillow – feeling peaceful, relaxed, and pain-free. 

Suddenly, I experience a powerful tapping/pulsing feeling that seems to be fluttering around on the inside of my lower forehead. It feels as if thousands of tiny butterflies are dancing around in my third-eye chakra, lightly flapping their wings against the inner surface of my forehead. 

“Is my third-eye really opening?” I excitedly ponder. “Or is this just another amazing glimpse of something to come?” 

The sensation is exciting and profoundly encouraging. I am unconcerned with whether the experience is permanent or transient; I will simply allow the energies to do whatever they do.

Intuitively I recognize that something profound and inexplicable is taking place – that I am laying on the Goddess’s operating table – that my body is being energetically altered in some way – and I love it, knowing that I need simply watch and allow. 

Positive Power 

“I will succeed.” I ponder as joyful tears form droplets in my eyes. “I am a finder and not just a seeker. Every day I find something new. I am not just searching – I am doing and achieving.” 

“The universe is beginning to reward me,” I ponder with an inner giggle. “It is a ‘done-deal’ – only a matter of time. I need simply remain in my flow and trust the process.” 

“Wow,” I ponder further. “What a powerful and positive shift in my thinking!” 

Joyful Release 

As I get Keith’s attention to share what is happening to me, my barely-visible tears become little fountains of joyful release. 

“Finally,” I exclaim to Keith with excitement. “At last something is starting to move in an area that has been hopelessly locked for decades.”  

Eager Hopefulness 

Late Wednesday evening, after the butterfly kisses have ceased and my forehead has returned to normal, I ponder the powerful gifts I have received. 

In the course of a single afternoon, I now profoundly understand what I, as a small baby, felt when waves of emotional density overwhelmed my tiny body, painfully swarming my senses. 

And the frosting on top is that thousands of tickling butterflies magically stopped by for a playful visit, transforming what was once a sense of hopeless futility into an eager and enthusiastic hopefulness. 

Cushions For Comfort 

Thursday, June 9, I again engage in personal meditation at 5:30 a.m. – but I am distracted and unfocused. As I attempt to recreate magical butterfly kisses, nothing happens. Inner intuitions tell me clearly: “No pushing Brenda … just allow and follow the flow.” 

I am a little ‘off’ today as my writing requires double-the-effort in order to resist ruthless ego distractions. 

In the evening, after finishing my writing, I again start to sink into depressing and distracting ego voices. But to my delight I am reenergized when Keith stops by with a couple of large foam pads that I had asked him to pick up while shopping in Xela. Since I am remaining in my apartment for another year, I have decided to upgrade a few things in my living space. 

Tonight, I eagerly rip out the hard lumpy fabric stuffing in my couch cushions and replace it with lusciously-soft foam rubber. And I also add a delightful five-inch-thick layer of foam to my daybed – my favorite place on which to write. 

“It is time to take a little better care of myself.” I giggle with delight as I drift off to sleep. 

Cool Breezes 

Sunday morning marks the third day in a row of beautiful early morning meditations on my new foam cushions. My writing of these last two days seems to flow easily and I definitely sense that my energies have lifted up a notch or two. 

As I sit in the crisp morning air of my balcony, an intuitive idea breathes new life into the meditation experience. With each physical breath, I imagine cool higher energies trickling up and down my chin, cheeks, and forehead. As I do this, I experience the energetic sensation of cool breezes brushing against my skin. Simultaneously, my face begins to tingle with delightful vibration, starting with my chin, then my upper lip, followed by the nose and cheeks, finally followed by peaceful tingles in my forehead. 

After stopping the meditation, my facial deadness returns, but a feeling of great hopefulness reassures me that I am indeed slowly achieving long-awaited progress. 

Play With That 

“I’m feeling the usual pain in my solar plexus.” I share with Keith when he checks in with me during the Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony. 

“But I’m also being intuitively guided to further ponder the metaphor of ‘Beauty and the Beast’. I add. “Do you have any advice on where I should start?” 

“Bring some of that solar plexus energy up to your heart.” Keith confidently replies. 

“Now I’m feeling pain again at the bottom of my sternum,” I update Keith after a short pause. “And now that pain is rising further up into my heart.” 

“Play with that.” Keith gives me one last tidbit of vague guidance before moving on, not returning for a very long time. 

Relationship Training 

After inviting the energies to continue rising into my heart, I simply observe as painful prickles rise all the way into the very center of my heart chakra. The experience is definitely not fun – in fact it hurts and stings. 

In the meantime, I maintain my usual listening stance, paying attention to everything going on around me. Several people begin to bring up deep relationship issues. In the middle of working individually with these people, Keith suddenly stops and interrupts. 

“We are going to do the relationship training.” He unexpectedly announces. 

Four Rules 

Keith proceeds to explain that in the energy of the world today, it impossible to have any type of meaningful relationship that is not also a spiritual relationship – a relationship in which both partners mirror the behaviors of the other, playing out their own side of a mutually beneficial script – a script that is their own individual path, but which also plays into the emotional triggers and projections of their partner. 

He adds that this type of relationship not only includes couple relationships, but it also encompasses business partnerships and any other type of relationship where two or more people interact closely together in some way. 

“It is never about them.” Keith shares his first rule of relationships, clarifying that when we get upset about something, the true root cause of why we are upset has nothing whatsoever to do with the other person. 

“It is never about what it is about.” Keith adds his second rule. “It is not about whether ‘so and so’ took out the garbage or didn’t do the dishes etc… The present issue is only a trigger to bring an old pattern into awareness.” 

“Nothing changes until you do.” Keith then takes it another level deeper. 

I have sworn by this rule for a very long time. Personal experience tells me that everything is an inside job. The only way to truly change the world is to change myself – to look in that mirror and to understand the root emotional causes of why something triggers me and to then heal my triggers. Once my triggers are loved and released, such painful situations seem to magically disappear. 

“Pain is resistance.” Keith then finishes his rules. 

Again, this understanding of pain has allowed me to go much deeper into self-awareness. 

An Inner Relationship 

Throughout the relationship training, I pay especially close attention. The Beauty and the Beast metaphor with which I am working is all about a relationship between my heart and the Beastly energies that have kept my heart isolated from divine life force. 

I begin to see the standoff between my heart and solar plexus as an actual loving relationship – a relationship where the two parties are deeply projecting, one onto the other. 

Beauty is terrified that the Beast will march in like a bull in a china closet, exerting stereotypical masculine power and will, dominating and manipulating her, causing her to lose her identity. 

Beast is terrified of love – terrified of surrendering to that level of total vulnerability – afraid of losing himself, his masculinity, his power, and his will. 

Anything Masculine 

Taking the metaphor deeper, I attempt to envision the Beast as having transformed into a handsome prince. I try to imagine him holding me in his arms. 

Immediately, my heart cringes with terror. I cannot permit this. Fear, resistance, and panic, bounce all over the walls of my heart. 

“I cannot allow this type of intimate love,” I feel my heart scream out. “… unconditional friendships yes … but absolutely no unconditional partner relationships.” 

As I ponder the power of this crazy-but-real fear, I access a huge pool of tears while sinking into a profound emotional release. It seems that my heart is terrified of surrendering to anything masculine – and this fear is overwhelming. 

Inner Projections 

“This is why I cannot have a relationship in real life!” I exclaim with recognition. “As I continue playing out this internal war between feminine and masculine – I am also doing the same thing out in the external world.” 

“On the inside, my tender heart is terrified of masculine domination.” I further ponder. “Every potential relationship partner that I meet immediately becomes the object of my projection – the projections of this ongoing inner battle.” 

I clearly recognize that I will never be able to have a meaningful external relationship until this inner self-hatred has been healed with self-love. 

“Yes,” I profoundly ponder, “nothing will change until I do.” 

Conscious Energies 

Yes, it is now so clear. The inner feud between heart and solar plexus is a huge confusing mish-mash of fear, self-hatred, and distrust. The pains felt in each energy-center are deeply related to these confusing emotional battles. 

As I ponder these inner realizations, my emotions run rampant. It seems that every verbal tidbit of relationship wisdom that Keith shares with others can be turned around and used in my inner relationship. Each word spoken on the porch causes my emotions to be triggered ever more deeply. 

I literally see and feel this inner feud as if it were between two conscious energies – loving parts of my self deeply hurt by decades of hatred and betrayal – parts who need to learn to love and trust each other once again. 

Energetic Garbage Dump 

By this point in the ceremony, my emotional stability has melted into a blob of tissues piled high on the ground beside me. My disheveled hair is saturated with tears, my eyes red with fatigue, and my teeth exhausted from chattering. 

By now, Keith has identified a small group of people who are empath sponges and he begins to train them. I am so distraught that I feel incapable of following along, but I attempt to do so anyway. 

During the first phase, bringing awareness to how we eat and internalize emotional pain, I am already experiencing deep pains in my solar plexus, even before the training begins. Not only am I wallowing in my own pain, but I also realize I have again been sucking up energy from others, all throughout the ceremony. 

My abdomen literally feels like a garbage dump for painful emotional energies. 

Unsolicited Validation 

Half-way through this initial phase of training, a beautiful young woman (who is at her first ceremony) follows her guidance. She grabs a couple of cushions, sits cross-legged on the ground in front of me, and holds out her hands just inches from my chest. 

My initial reaction is to reject – fearing that she may be trying to fix me – but my inner feelings immediately reassure me that she is merely doing a wonderful job of holding a loving energetic space for me – that there is no fixing energy whatsoever. 

With an inner smile, I allow her to remain in front of me while continuing to sob profusely. 

“Brenda, what she is doing is OK. She is not interfering with your process in any way.” Keith interrupts and reassures me a few minutes later. 

“Yeah, I already know that.” I whimper back to Keith before returning to my deep emotional release. 

My heart is indeed warmed by the unsolicited validation letting me know that my feelings had been completely accurate. 

Pain-Induced Insights 

“Where is the density entering your body?” I hear Keith ask those who are participating in the training. 

Immediately I point to my heart, knowing that this is always where I seem to feel the emotions entering my body. But suddenly I notice that something is different – that my heart is not hurting at all. 

At this very instant of recognition, I experience a sharp burst of strong, stinging, and stabbing pain, right at the very center of my third-eye. 

“Is this why my third-eye is so shutdown?” I suddenly question myself in a flash of insight. “As a child, did I take in this painful emotional density through my forehead?” 

Another Puzzle Piece 

I again visualize the photo of myself as a fourteen-month old baby – the one with sad eyes and sagging eyebrows. I also suddenly notice that I am scrunching those eyebrows at this very moment as I continue to quietly sob on the porch. 

 “Wow, what a powerful realization.” I ponder as I realize that my third eye is the primary place where I used to bring in the emotional pain of others – and where I would likely do it again if it were not so locked up. 

“It is no wonder that I have my third-eye shutdown so tightly.” I ponder as I reminisce on the profound painful glimpses I received on Wednesday – glimpses into the excruciating agony of how those emotional densities feel in my body when absorbed from everyone around me. 

You Know The Drill 

After phases two and three of the empath training, I am actually beginning to feel much better – but sill emotionally hurting, feeling numb and stunned by what is happening to me. 

As I sit on my pillow, beginning to bring in peaceful higher-vibration energy, I am not at all surprised by what happens next. 

“Brenda, you know the drill.” Keith interrupts my meditation. 

“Yeah,” I reply as I automatically move my cushions out into the middle of the porch, sit down, and close my eyes once again. Somehow I knew I would be chosen. 

Sudden Realization 

Simultaneously, I am intuitively guided to ponder the years of my life from around age thirty to forty. This was the most difficult of times of my marriage – the time when my gender explorations were causing huge stress in my relationship. I suddenly recognize that during these excruciating years I had sucked up an intense amount of projected emotional suffering – most of which was not even mine to carry. 

In an effort to reduce pain and friction during those agonizing transitional years – in an effort to relieve my guilt and shame – I literally became an emotional garbage dump, figuratively throwing myself on the grenade of every painful emotion that surfaced in my marriage, storing those emotional densities throughout my body, but mostly in my abdomen. In fact, it was during those years when my bladder began to physically manifest problems. 

Somehow, I felt it was my duty to be the carrier of all that emotional pain – to forever carry it in an effort to relieve the burdens of those I love.  

A Technique-less Technique 

As I sit in the middle of the porch, everyone else focuses on assisting me in releasing the emotional densities that are no longer necessary for my teaching. 

I attempt to relax and allow – desperately wanting to release these densities from age thirty to forty – but I instead experience a feeling of clenching resistance – resistance that will not allow me to let go of the pain. I explain to Keith about my struggles, asking for guidance, asking “how do I allow?” 

Keith explains that there is no technique to be taught in surrendering or allowing – you either do it or you don’t. I struggle for many minutes trying to get out of the way, attempting to allow myself to simply allow. It is quite the confusing paradox and rational mind desperately wants some type of structured method to guide me. 

Profound Relief 

Finally I am able to relax slightly. 

“There you go Brenda,” Keith immediately responds to let me know I was partially successful. 

For a very long time I sit in the middle of the porch, relaxing and allowing. Gradually, ever so slowly, I feel the dense energies in my body lighten and disappear. The more I am able to relax, the more I feel the energies simply moving out of me, allowing me to relax even more. 

My heart overflows with gratitude for the assistance I have received from Keith and the others on the porch. As the process eventually reaches conclusion, I experience a great sense of profound relief. 

Eagerly Waiting 

While I still sit in the middle of the room, Keith catches me completely off guard with something I have never before seen him do as part of an empath-training. 

“Brenda, there is a door in front of you that you need to find.” Keith suddenly guides me. “It might seem quite frightening at first.” 

With my eyes closed, I quickly locate what feels like an energetic doorway, and I do indeed begin to shake with fear. A few minutes later I begin to intuitively sense what is going on. 

“Behind this door is my higher-being family.” I explain to Keith through streaming tears. “This group consists of all of the guides and higher dimensional friends with whom I have profound and loving relationships. They are all in that room – eagerly waiting to hug and to embrace me.” 

A Terrifying Doorway 

“I can’t explain why,” I explain to Keith through shaking tears, “but I cannot allow such love. It is frightening to surrender to being held, even by these higher dimensional friends.” 

“I feel like such a loser, like I have messed things up so badly.” I confess. “I don’t feel worthy of their love. I am terrified to walk into that room.” 

“Brenda,” Keith lovingly coaches me, “just stick one finger through the open doorway and allow one being to touch your finger with one of their own.” 

“There, that wasn’t so bad now, was it?” Keith asks when I tearfully tell him that I did it. 

Soon Keith has me extending two fingers through the doorway, then a whole hand. Soon he asks me to stick both hands through the open door – but I still cannot walk inside. 

Circling Up 

As Keith leaves me alone to meditate in silence, another beautiful synchronous memory unfolds. 

Exactly two years ago today, on June 12, 2009, my airplane landed on a small tropical runway in Cozumel, Yucatan, Mexico. I was so excited to begin the adventure of a lifetime – an open-ended journey of self-discovery. 

On the evening before, a beautiful group of friends had given me the most amazing and loving sendoff that anyone could have ever asked for. We had all been part of a beautiful therapy program in which we had developed profound bonds. One of the most special forms of bonding that we shared in those experiential workshops was to stand in a small circle, with our arms wrapped around each others’ shoulders, laughing or crying together while slowly swaying together to heart-felt inspirational music. 

On that evening of June 11, 2009, these beautiful friends of mine showed me what unconditional love is all about. We laughed and cried together, we hugged, and we circled up – basking in that glowing unconditional love for many hours before one friend finally dropped me off at the airport late that same night. 

Eager To Love 

During my beautiful travels of these last two years, I have occasionally needed to remember something that would re-center me in a state of profound unconditional love. Without fail, the memory I choose is of the feelings in my heart while circling up with my amazing friends on that beautiful evening two years ago. 

Suddenly I am intuitively guided to transfer that loving memory to my present meditation. As I drop my fears and meditatively enter that frightening doorway, I imagine myself greeting my most dear and beloved long-lost friends. They are excited to see me, anxious and eager to love me, to hug me, to circle up with me, to laugh with me, and to cry with me. 

They have been enthusiastically waiting to see me, cheering me on during my period of forgetfulness, holding space for me, faithfully waiting for me to wake up and remember who they are. They have never withheld their love – it is I who have forgotten our friendship, feeling fearful and unworthy. The love of these amazing friends is without conditions. 

Intensely Real 

After a long period of silently enjoying this profound experience, I begin to stand up for a quick restroom break. 

“You’re not done yet,” Keith tells me with a smile as he indicates for me to sit back down on my cushions. 

Seconds later Keith is guiding me to go get lost in my own private hell. 

While in meditation, I imagine myself turning my back on all of my divine friends in this beautiful room, walking out of that doorway, and following a long hallway around several bends. The hallway grows increasingly darker as I eventually find a little closet. I enter the small room, close the door behind me, and curl up in a fetal position in what is now a pitch-black room.  

While in that hopeless place, I imagine myself feeling all alone and abandoned, forgetting about the love of my higher-being friends. As I do so, I begin to cry quite profusely, sobbing intensely. I experience a profound sense of hopelessness, of being lost in the agony of believing that I am disconnected and alone, isolated from the beautiful love that I crave. 

Walking Out 

Next, Keith guides everyone else on the porch to meditatively walk into my personal hell, to find me, and touch me on the shoulder to let me know that they are there. 

“Now, begin to walk out,” Keith guides those who are participating, “and invite Brenda to follow you – but do not pull her.” 

“Is she walking with us?” Keith asks the empaths in the group who are able to sense my energy.” 

I imagine myself walking back to my room filled with higher-being friends and spiritual guides, again immersing myself in their beautiful love. 

I am thrilled to hear that the empaths all unanimously agree that I have walked out with them. The last time I did this exercise, I was so stuck in a deep dark cave that I almost couldn’t walk out. 

Purposeful Pity Party 

“Now, Brenda, I want you to walk back into your personal hell,” Keith again guides me, “doing so of your own free will and choice.” 

The realization is powerful for me as I deeply connect with the metaphor. It is I that am turning my back on that divine love, walking down a hall and locking myself in a dark closet. I am a victim, but fully recognize that it is my personal choice to be this victim, to hide out in this dark closet. 

It feels so silly, because I know that my divine friends are just down the hall, waiting for me, but as I imagine myself curling up in a fetal position on the floor of that pitch-black closet, I again start to sob deep and painful tears. The profound level of emotions catches me completely by surprise. 

“This is what I actually do when I sink into lonely and depressed pity parties,” I think to myself with shock. “My divine friends are always just down the hall, but I am choosing to forget that fact and to instead wallow in victimhood.” 

Priceless Perceptions 

“Now walk back out Brenda.” Keith guides me. “You know the way out because you walked there on your own.” 

I do this quite easily, gradually letting go of the nightmare dream into which I had momentarily re-immersed myself – pulling myself back to a higher-vibration reality while again circling-up with my divine friends. 

“Wow!” I think to myself with amazement. “That was priceless – a beautiful visualization to understand how I disconnect from higher energies.” 

Only One Thing 

As the ceremony concludes, I sit in stunned silence on my pillow – overflowing with gratitude and light – blown away by the powerful real-life experiences that led to such beautiful metaphorical understanding. 

While sitting with my mouth still open, several people stop by to thank me for how profoundly my work had touched them, taking them deeper in their own journeys. 

For the remainder of Sunday evening, I can think of only one thing. I want to just sit in meditation, imagining myself in that beautiful room, surrounded by all of my divine friends, laughing and giggling, sharing beautiful love, simply knowing that all is perfect, exactly the way it needs to be. 

Subtle Signs 

Monday morning, while sitting in meditation at 6:30 a.m., my large five-gallon water jug suddenly bubbles loudly three times – as if someone just drained water into a cup, causing more water to gurgle down from the jug above. 

“That same thing happened yesterday morning during my meditation.” I giggle with shock and awe. “And I have not touched that water jug since last night.” 

In all of the months that I have been here in my apartment I only remember that happening perhaps once or twice before – and now it has happened two days in a row during my meditations.” 

“It is your three guides getting your attention.” Little Jedi voices whisper in my heart. “They are saying … we’re still here … job well done … keep raising your vibrations.” 

I again repeat a meditation where I imagine myself breathing energy into my face. Just like yesterday morning, I begin to feel tingles all over my chin, lips, cheeks and forehead. 

I love all of the little signs and feelings that continue to pat me on the back, encouraging me to keep going. 

Full Circle 

As always seems to be the case, following the flow of these last six days has brought unexpected and profound growth. On Wednesday I was blessed with the unbelievable real-life experience of how it feels to be an untrained empath, uncontrollably inhaling the pain of everyone around me – literally sucking the densities into my own body – giving me a rich understanding of how I must have felt as a baby. 

Four days later, as I explored intuitive metaphors about ongoing understanding between solar plexus and heart, events on the porch suddenly guided me into the realm of recognizing that my inner relationship issues are the true source of all of my external relationship projections. The process of that realization takes me deep into another empath training experience with profound results. 

Several experiences this week have given me beautiful teaser-experiences into the possibilities of my third-eye chakra finally opening – but the unexpected blockbuster was the realization of why that energy center remains so tightly locked up – causing me to at first question as to whether I really want to even open it up. 

The most beautiful gift of all, however, comes when I am guided to connect with a room full of higher energy beings who I now realize rank among my dearest of friends. The synchronicity of a loving sendoff just two years earlier allows me to see these higher energy beings in the same light that I see my amazing earthly friends. 

But then, nothing can top the realization that I can choose to be with these friends any time I want – or I can choose to be a victim, hiding in a dark closet. These friends will love me no matter what, leaving the choice up to me. 

It seems that the choice is a no-brainer. 

I chose to circle-up with my friends – both in this lifetime and in the realms of higher energies. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

As Friday morning meditation is about to begin, I briefly share with Keith about how I have been feeling quite tired, headachy, and unmotivated almost every evening this week.  

“It is like I sink into a mild depression at the very moment that I click the publish button on my blog,” I share with Keith. “Can you give me any insights? Am I correct that this is some type of ego loop … or could I just be physically tired?” 

“It stems from lack of validation as a child.” Keith shares confidently. “The pats on the back that you got were not what you needed or wanted.” 

A Lifelong Pattern 

“What I am experiencing is clearly a lifelong pattern.” I ponder during meditation. “When I accomplish something worthy of praise I initially feel extremely proud and excited by what I have done. Then I look around for some type of validating pat on the back. If I don’t get immediate and wonderful feedback, I begin to feel empty, sinking into a feeling of “what now? … perhaps nobody even cares.” 

“The same thing is happening with my writing.” I clearly understand. “The moment I publish, I begin to wonder how my words will be received by others. I absolutely know with profound clarity that none of the praise matters – that the only true reason that I am writing any of this is for my own healing and integration – that I am writing it for me.” 

But then ego jumps in and whines: “But where are your pats on the back?” 

Beginning to understand the pattern brings such profound clarity. 

Striking Contrast 

Meditation continues to be an adventure in further exploring pains in my body. This morning I begin to profoundly recognize that each cell in my body is an individual conscious entity – each cell experiencing the cumulative effects of the unreleased emotional densities in my body. 

“Many areas of my body are beginning to tingle and show signs of new energetic life.” I ponder with delight. 

But I also notice the striking contrast of the areas that continue to feel energetically lifeless. This morning I am acutely aware that my fingers feel especially dead.

Crumbling Foundations 

As I passionately write on Friday afternoon, another earthquake shakes my little apartment … this one registering a 4.5 on the Richter scale, with the epicenter being only about thirty miles away. 

I giggle as I ponder how just fourteen months ago I had never consciously felt an earthquake. Now they seem to be such a common occurrence that I just smile and yawn. The world as I know it does indeed continue to be shaken up.  

I love how the foundations of old dysfunctional blockages and belief systems are crumbling all around me – and rather than feeling destruction and devastation, I instead feel the joy of new life sprouting in fertile energetic soils. 

Inner Ears Calling 

As I meditate in bed at 5:00 a.m. on Saturday morning, my focus is suddenly pulled to the ringing in my ears. For approximately twenty years, my hearing has been “blessed” with the constant accompaniment of a faint high-pitched tone – the intensity of which varies occasionally. The shrill tone used to feel like a curse, driving me crazy, but I have now mostly learned to live without even paying attention to the ever-present squealing. 

“I wonder if this tinnitus has a spiritual significance.” I begin to ponder. 

“Of course it does.” I silently respond a few minutes later. “Everything in my body is conscious energy. Surely the noise is attempting to communicate a coded message – a message that the energies are trying to get me to listen to higher vibrations.” 

I realize that the awareness is just budding, and I am eager and excited to explore the possibilities of further opening my spiritual hearing sensitivities. For now I will just be patient and follow the flow, while at the same time living each moment with a little more awareness. 

Post-Publish Peace 

Saturday turns into another beautiful day of meditating, writing, dinner with friends, and a movie. To my amazement, there is absolutely no “post-publish” depression when I finish my writing. In fact, I am more energized than ever. 

Hellfire And Damnation 

Halfway through a beautiful and relaxed Sunday morning the peaceful silence is suddenly interrupted by nearby loudspeakers. This ‘treat’ to which I am privileged to listen this morning is something new – something that I have only heard a couple of times in San Marcos, both being earlier this week. 

It seems that there is a preacher in town, preaching from a pulpit less than seventy-five feet away, loudly screaming what seems to be an angry tirade of judgmental hatred. 

“Hmmm,” I ponder to myself. “I wonder why I manifested such a real-life angry-preacher-on-a-soap-box into my life. This might get interesting.” 

I have to admit that I cannot understand a single word that the preacher shouts. For all I know, his message may be one of love – but the energy I pick up on is one of deep manipulative hatred, all expressed in the name of God. 

Simply giggling to myself, I tune the preaching out – but a part of me feels slightly triggered, letting me know that this metaphor was brought into my life for a reason. Only time will reveal the answer. 

Clenching, Cramping, and Slumping 

As the afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway, I sink into silent meditation. To my delight, I experience the sensation that the pain around my belly-button is dissolving and transmuting. My third-eye chakra continues to feel ‘cloudy’, but even there I am beginning to feel occasional hints of energy tickles. 

But then one particular feeling raises its hand and calls out: “pick me … oh pick me.” This feeling is the awareness that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I focus, I continue to catch myself constantly clenching my feet, my hips, my hands, my shoulders, my jaw, my forehead … and the list goes on. 

This conscious awareness takes me into deep memories of walking pigeon-toed throughout my teen years, and of how I have slumped over in chairs for my entire life – only being able to sit upright without back support for a couple of weeks now. 

Safe From Something 

“Brenda, go further into this metaphor.” Keith guides me when I eventually share with him the memories and feelings that parade through my mind. 

“What do these body metaphors tell you about yourself?” Keith pushes me to find my own answer. 

“It feels as if I have been bending forward, curving my legs in, protecting myself in some type of pseudo-fetal position.” The intuitions begin to flow. “It is as if I am trying to keep myself safe from something.” 

“Even though my legs are relaxed and rested,” I tell Keith, “they are acting as if they are extremely exhausted and overstressed – as if I just ran a marathon. 

“Follow this.” Keith urges me on. “Go deeper; see where it leads you. What are the shaking legs telling you?” 

“I get the feeling of blocked energy.” I reply. “It is as if they have been under great stress trying to clench and block off the energy … yet there is also a great deal of fear beginning to manifest itself.” 

Please Help Me 

I suddenly regress to feel myself in a crib, curled up in a fetal position. I am trying to protect myself from what I now know are bombarding emotional energies – energies that hurt – energies causing me great physical discomfort and pain. 

As Keith moves on to work with someone else, I follow my intuitions and lie down in a fetal position on my large overstuffed cushion – hoping to further connect with that little baby to whom my energies are so deeply connected. 

Suddenly, deep and painful emotions push their way to the surface, causing present-day tears too flow – tears that quickly become profound-but-muffled sobs.

“This is too hard.” I feel my baby-self exclaiming in pain. “I don’t want to be here in this body. I want to go home. I didn’t know it would be this hard. It hurts … someone please help me.” 

Unimaginable Pain 

For at least thirty minutes I repeatedly cycle in and out of these excruciating emotions. The pain is so intense that I find it difficult to remain fully immersed in the regression – a regression that causes me to cry uncontrollably while experiencing the deep pain of that baby-me. 

Periodically I “come up for air”, allowing myself a momentary breather while I briefly listen to events around me on Keith’s porch. Then I return right back into the depths of unimaginable pain. 

Eventually, I sit back up. Waves of tears continue to periodically surface as I finally explain to Keith and to the rest of the group about what I am experiencing. 

Undeniable Clarity 

Many in the group surprise me when they express how they can deeply relate to what I am doing. My courage to process stimulates them to go even deeper into their own issues. 

While continuing to mildly cycle through the painful tears, I sink back into meditation. 

“I was extremely sensitive to the energies as a baby.” I ponder with undeniable clarity. “I have believed this to be the case … but now I absolutely know it to be true. What I have experienced today is undeniable, and inexplicably real.” 

I ponder a photo of myself as a fourteen-month-old baby – one which I have been studying quite a lot lately.  

“No wonder my eyes look so sad and stressed.” I ponder. “No wonder my eyebrows sag so much on the outside edges. I was clenching my forehead tightly, even at that tender young age.” 

“I cannot remember a time in my life when I haven’t clenched my forehead and eyes.” I further ponder. 

Releasing The Pain 

The emotions that surge through my body are real and profound. 

Intuitively I know that these are not present-day emotions. They actually are the emotions of this struggling young baby – me at such a young and tender age. There is no denying or doubting this fact. The inner knowing is simply too powerful to question. 

After a while, as I feel that the emotional release has finally run its course, I begin to ask the higher light-energies to fill my body. As I do so, I gradually begin to feel two sharp pains forming at the extreme lower areas of my abdomen – one pain directly in the bladder area, the other at a mirrored location on the right side of the second chakra. 

As I ponder the pain, it does not feel like resistance. Instead, I intuitively sense that the pain I experience is emotional density that is being released and transmuted. I relax into the pain and it grows even stronger – feeling very much like the tingling I have experienced in my spine and neck over the last few weeks. 

Intuitive Confirmation 

“Keith, can you confirm for me that this pain is part of the release process and not just me resisting something else?” I beg for intuitive confirmation. 

“Yes,” Keith smiles, “that is what I am feeling too.” 

“Bring in more light and see where this new process takes you.” Keith adds a new clue. 

And The Message Is…? 

As I focus on my process, I note with amusement that the porch seems to fall apart in a chaotic discussion. I have long since learned to expect bizarre interruptions during processing, and this one seems a likely candidate for more growth. I even participate briefly in the meaningless conversation – a discussion that endures for at least an hour. 

Finally I sink back into meditation, tuning out the chaotic group energy, re-immersing myself in the glow of higher vibration energies. 

In the meantime, a huge dog fight erupts just a short distance away out on the street. I simply smile, keep my eyes closed, and remember the junkyard dogs. 

“Love yourself.” The love-starved dogs remind me. “Bring in more love.” 

Suddenly Keith again interrupts the silence with meaningless chatter that is very off-topic. 

“Keith,” I finally speak peacefully, “I’m getting the feeling that I created all of these distractions and dogs barking – and it definitely seems like you are intentionally feeding into the distractions.” 

“Is that so?” I then ask with a grin. 

Without answering me, Keith simply grins back with a sparkle in his eye. His non-answer confirms to me that he has indeed merely been following the energy.  

I am quite proud of myself for how I have handled the previous hour. Being completely unattached, I have proven to myself that I can simply flow with what seems to be a useless time-waster in the middle of a deep emotional process – remaining totally at peace, simply loving what is. 

I never do receive an answer from Keith – and I never encounter any type of startling growth that always follows such interruptions. 

“I think my growth today,” I ponder with a giggle, “is simply the loving recognition that I remained peaceful and saw it all as my creation.” 

If At First You Don’t Succeed … 

“Is there some way to do this faster?” I ask Keith as I continue working on transmuting the pain in my lower second chakra. 

“Bring in the light and ask it to show you.” Keith gives me a common non-answer, essentially reminding me that I can get the answer myself. 

I first attempt to hook up a metaphorical fire hose to my abdomen, hoping to send the emotional densities straight out to the angels – but this metaphor falls completely flat. It will not work today. 

Rather than getting discouraged, I regroup, reconnect with my intuitions, and ask the higher energies to give me a new metaphor. 

“Pull the energy out by the roots and bring it up to your heart.” The inner voices whisper. “Then you can release it from there.” 

Symbolic Release 

Just as I had done on Wednesday with energetic blocks at the back of my heart, I reach down with my “energetic will” and begin to pull on the densities at the base of my second chakra. I actually feel the density begin to move, in a very painful way. 

As the energies begin to rise, I first experience painful blobs passing through the solar plexus. Then I experience the pain moving into the sternum, where it momentarily seems to get uncomfortably stuck. Finally, I coax the energy to move into the heart. 

A sensation of painful prickles consumes my heart as this energy is slowly transmuted and released out the front of my chest. Then, to my surprise, I feel some of the energy rising up into the front of my neck. 

“Oh,” I think to myself, “I guess this energy wants to be released through the throat chakra.” 

“Of course” I intuitively realize after a few more moments of pondering. “This energy was never allowed to express itself – and it needs to be released through the expressive chakra.” 

Stuck In The Neck 

The ongoing process of moving this density from the lower abdomen, up the front of my chest and then out through the front of my throat chakra, is quite slow, requiring great effort, pauses, and pain – but it is also amazing. 

The transient nature of this pain again causes me to both giggle and squirm with discomfort. Even though the movement itself is quite painful, I am delighted by the manner in which I feel it actually moving. 

The movement ebbs and flows in waves – waves that continue for over thirty minutes. 

Finally, I feel an intuitive urge to sit up straight. As I do so, I notice that the emotional densities also begin to simultaneously move up the back of my spine. To my dismay, these spinal densities become stuck as they arrive at the back side of my neck. I attempt to make faint vocal sounds to vibrate them out – but my effort does not work well, leaving me feeling helpless with pain in my neck. 

An Energy Glove 

“You’re done with this part of the release.” An intuitive voice whispers silently. “It is time to wake up from your painful lower-energy dream and return to a higher vibration state.” 

To my surprise, releasing myself from the grip of the painful emotions is much easier than expected. As I focus on metaphors like The Muppet Show, and sitting on the front row of my theater, I am soon completely detached from what I have previously been experiencing – feeling a great deal of energetic clarity. 

Almost immediately, I focus on bringing in more divine energy from below. To my delight I quickly begin to experience the energy rise up the sides of my abdomen as well. Soon the energy encompasses me like a custom-fitted glove, embracing my lower abdomen and then my chest from all sides. 

This delightful energy flow completely engulfs me, rising all the way to my neck where I suddenly say “Ouch!” 

Insincere Lip-Service 

To my dismay, when the energy hits my neck, it again pools in a very painful way right at the back center of my throat chakra. 

Every effort to move the energy beyond this block, in any direction, fails painfully. 

“This blockage is an energy gatekeeper.” Intuitions clearly tell me. 

Believing that I know what to do, I call a meeting in my inner conference room and invite both little Sharon and this gatekeeper energy to join me. 

I quickly express love and gratitude for how the gatekeeper has protected me all these years, keeping me alive and safe from energy flow and expressions that would have gotten me into serious problems during earlier periods of my life. 

I then ask if this gatekeeper is willing to talk to Higher Self for job retraining. 

The response I receive is a huge ‘nothing’. The energy seems to just stare at me, refusing to budge, acting as if it does not even hear me. 

In retrospect, I later realize that my words were insincere and almost memorized – an embarrassing portrayal of patronizing lip service. I had never taken even one second to genuinely connect with the energy to which I was talking – to find out who it is, why it is there, and how it feels. 

What He Wants 

“Keith” I beg for assistance. “I have this block in my neck and I am stuck.” 

“Go into it and find out what it is.” Keith guides me. 

“I did that and I already know it is a gatekeeper energy.” I respond in helpless frustration. 

“Ask him if he is ready for retraining by Higher Self.” Keith again gives me expected guidance. 

“I tried that too, but I am feeling very strong resistance on the energy’s part.” I respond with a feeling of futility. 

“Ask him what he wants?” Keith quickly returns the ball to my court. 

Building Trust 

I initially resist Keith’s instructions, but soon realize that I have been an insensitive bully with this energy, not really even talking to it. 

“He wants more time,” I eventually share with Keith. “He wants me to back off, to not pressure him, to give him time to build trust and to watch what I do with that trust.” 

“I don’t feel inclined to push him right now.” I continue. “I feel that I should simply wait and build this trust for another day.” 

Gatekeeper Explained 

As Sunday evening rapidly approaches, I end my time on the porch engaged in a short conversation with Serg. He is confused by my process and desires a little clarity. 

“This gatekeeper part of me protected me and kept me alive.” I explain to Serg. “It is a part of my energy that I put in charge of restricting the energy flow. He kept me from getting into more trouble by expressing the energies that were flowing through me. He lovingly blocked that expression in an attempt to keep me safe.” 

I further explain to Serg that the types of energies blocked from expression were sexual, creative, empathic, and every other type of higher-energy expression that would have been rejected by family and culture at the time. 

“And this block is extremely strong.” I express to Serg as I continue to feel the physical effects of residual painful energy that was not allowed to flow from the second chakra through my neck. 

Even as I walk home, eat dinner, and prepare for bed, the painful blockages remain in place at the back of my neck. 

Earning Trust 

Monday morning I wake up at 4:45 a.m. to the sound of noisy roosters crowing: “Brenda, wake up from the dream.”

I meditate for a while continuing to feel nice energies stirring throughout my body in almost every place except my neck. 

The neck remains painfully blocked at the back. I desperately want to yank the pain right out … to forcefully use my will to energetically pull and pull until I can use light cannons to tear that gate off its hinges. 

But instead, I remember that just last evening, this pain-causing energy had asked me to build trust, to give it a little more time for pondering and integration. 

“I will try to be patient,” I reassure myself while my neck still throbs with pain. “I will tolerate this pain for a little longer, remaining in the flow of my Higher Self, trusting that all is exactly as it should be.” 

The Executioner 

As I immerse myself in Monday morning meditation on Keith’s porch, a burst of insight suddenly surges through my consciousness. 

“This gatekeeper energy in my neck is none other than ‘The Executioner’ about which I will be writing tomorrow. 

Those experiences over five weeks ago had been profound and emotionally gut-wrenching. I am astounded by the timing of how the flow has again caused me to reencounter this energy with such precise timing – just in time to remind me of what I am about to integrate with written words. 

“This energy is the same energy that I literally asked to strangle me … to choke my life force … to literally kill my divine connections when I was a child.” I ponder with deep insight. “This energy is the one that I asked to help me commit energetic suicide.” 

Meaningless Meditative Homage 

Again I begin to give mere meditative lip-service to this executioner energy, quickly thanking it for performing such a horrible task to save my life. 

“Had this not happened when I was a child,” I ponder, “I surely would have been energetically scarred for life.” 

A Beastly Image 

Suddenly a powerful image floods my mind, bringing this meaningless mind chatter into the realm of profound and meaningful metaphors. 

To my shock, I suddenly see this executioner energy as “The Beast” in the Walt Disney “Beauty and the Beast” movie. 

The Beast is full size, as if in real life, standing directly in front of me. He faces me and stares longingly into my eyes while holding his huge hairy hands around my neck. Squeezing tightly, the Beast continues to lovingly choke me, honoring a request that I had once asked him to fulfill. 

A Heartfelt Plea 

As I look into his eyes, I try to access a feeling of unconditional love, but the only emotions I can feel are the fear and shock of being strangled. 

“I know I needed this.” I remind myself. “I know it was my path – a path that literally saved me – a path that had to happen.” 

Finally I am able to access a small amount of love and compassion. 

“Thank you for completing such a horrendous job.” I lovingly tell the Beast. “You can let go now … I love you … I am grateful for what you have done … but I have now learned enough.” 

“Please,” I feel the Beast respond pleadingly, “I can’t let go until I know that you will love me and forgive me – that you will no longer hate me for what I have had to do.” 

“Oh, but I do love you,” I reply innocently, “and there is nothing to forgive, I am deeply grateful for … blah blah blah” 

A Thankless Task 

Suddenly, as I honestly examine my emotions, I realize that I am again only giving lip-service to this loving Beast. I want to mean what I am saying, but a part of me knows that it is a lie. 

I ponder the pain in my neck, recognizing that it is indeed a manifestation of deep self-hatred – hatred at this part of me, anger at this Beast in me that has choked my energies all of these years. 

As I admit the existence of this hate and anger, I unexpectedly melt into it, feeling it to the core. As I attempt to release it, deep gushing tears pour through my eyes. I am in meditation and don’t wish to disturb those on the porch, but these tears must flow. 

With muffled sobs and teeth chattering, I leave my meditation position and instead curl up in an upright fetal position. For the next thirty minutes I go in and out of this deep-but-quiet emotional release. 

I allow myself to again experience the horror of that poor Beast’s thankless task – a task of being asked to energetically strangle me for all of these years while desperately hoping that I will not hate him or disown him, all the while longing to know that I will still love him. 

From Both Sides 

As my tears begin to thin out, I attempt to imagine this hairy Beast turning into my loving prince, blending happily-ever-after with my own energy. As hard as I try, I can still only visualize the Beast. This handsome prince yet remains to be loved and kissed. 

More clearly than ever, I recognize that the Beast that lives in my solar plexus – the one to whom my heart is so terrified of loving – is the same one that is also squeezing my neck. At my request, this loving energy has protected my tender heart from both sides of my life-force energy flow.

Basking In The Glow 

When the tears finally fade to nothingness, I feel exhausted, limp, and numb. I continue to be lost in the emotion – the emotional shock of what just unfolded metaphorically before me. 

“It is time to bring in the light.” I tell myself. “It is time to wake up from this nested nightmare and return to the higher energies on this magical porch.” 

After about ten minutes of focused and loving concentration, the excruciating emotions have finally faded, leaving me once again basking in the glow of divine light. 

I eagerly await the end of meditation so that I can share the story of my amazing journey with Keith. 

Joyful Laughter 

As I spend the rest of Monday writing, I briefly ponder regarding the experience. 

Intuition first tells me that the block remains in place. Another little feeling then whispers “This block will need to be released through joyful giggles and laughter.” 

Meditating Solo 

Early the next morning, Tuesday, June 7, I awaken and begin my own ninety-minute meditation at 5:40 a.m.. Keith has felt guided to rearrange his schedule to free up more morning time for himself. The timing of his schedule change could not have been more perfect. 

I have been craving the opportunity to try these morning meditations on my own, starting them as soon as I wake up. I too yearn for the additional flexibility and free time. Today marks the beginning of a new era. I am starting what I expect will become a lifelong habit of meditating in the mornings on a regular basis – doing so by myself. 

“You’re going to fail if you try to get up this early with no structure.” Ego voices laugh in my face. You know you have never been able to get yourself to meditate on a regular basis by yourself … blah … blah … blah.” 

I simply smile back at ego and proceed to have a fabulous solo meditation. 

Giggling Bubbles 

As I ponder the ongoing pain in the back of my neck, I suddenly realize that the pain is on the receptive side of my throat chakra. 

“I have been focusing entirely on the back of my neck.” I suddenly begin to ponder. “But I’m not sure if I have ever felt a significant energy flow in the front of my neck. The front of my throat chakra must be totally blocked.” 

Moments later I call in the assistance of divine light before asking little Sharon and Bobby to bring their magic wands. We are going to have a giggle party while we focus on opening the front of the throat chakra. 

As I bring in the light for guidance, I imagine little Sharon and Bobby running all over the inside of my throat, joyfully poking their wands into the density-clogged tissues of my neck. Each poke of the wand causes magical little bubbles to form – bubbles that dissolve away the blockages of emotional density – bubbles that I can actually feel physically in the form of energetic tingling. 

He Sacrificed Himself 

Later in the meditation, I recognize that my shoulders begin to ache, and that the pain at the back of my neck remains. 

“This is still the Beast requesting more love.” I intuitively know. “He feels so horrible and unloved for doing what he has done for me all of these years.” 

“He really did sacrifice himself for me.” I ponder with surprise. “Just like the Beast in the Disney movie, he has given up, letting me go, believing that he is forever cursed to remain a Beast.” 

A Broken Heart 

As I leave meditation and begin writing on Tuesday morning, I deeply recognize that much healing remains to be done – much trust remains to be built. But I am well on my way toward learning to love and forgive that very loveable Beast – releasing him once and for all from his horrible duties.  

The timing is amazing as I spend twelve long hours writing a blog titled “A Broken Heart” – an excruciating and loving story of how I first came to recognize that executioner energy on April 30 – of when I first began this phase of an amazing adventure that has led to the present ongoing reconciliation. 

Yes, now I fully recognize how this Beast’s heart has been broken – how he is starving for love. 

Learning To Love 

No, I am not fully there yet. Even this afternoon, while writing in the present day, I again cried streams of tears as I momentarily experienced myself staring into the eyes of this beautiful Beast. 

“Please,” I again felt the Beast’s genuine and heartfelt plea, “I can’t let go until I know that you will love me and forgive me – that you will no longer hate me for what I have had to do.” 

Something tells me that I am quite close to finding that inner self-love – that golden buried treasure that will once again allow the energies to flow. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

As I sit meditating on Keith’s porch, early on Saturday morning, May 28, I shock myself when I am able to sit upright for the entire first hour – all without moving my legs and without any type of back support. 

I repeatedly push through the pains – pains that are frequent and at times quite intense. 

“These pains are nothing but emotional densities.” I constantly remind myself. “They are composed of fear and self-hatred, deposited throughout my body after a lifetime of emotional struggle.” 

As I watch these pains, sinking into them and allowing them to consume me, I begin to feel them physically dissolve. To my amazement, the pains literally seem to transform into bubbles that then drift up my spine, disappearing as they rise, leaving behind a feeling of clarity where there was once only stagnation and stiffness. I actually feel the tingling bubbles as a real physical sensation in my spine. 

Eventually, the pain disappears from my back and migrates into my hips. 

“My hips are a major source of blockage in my body.” An intuition suddenly whispers. “They too are completely covered by layer after layer of dried and petrified self-hatred – causing the muscles and joints to stick and resist.” 

I also note that I feel almost no energy flow in my root chakra. I have been so focused on heart, solar plexus, and third-eye that I had not even noticed. 

Shaken But Not Stirred 

Later Saturday evening, as I drift off to sleep, I again play with the bubbles in my back. Delight fills my heart as I ponder the unfolding progress. My back feels so much lighter and more flexible than it did just a couple of weeks ago. 

Soon I am sound asleep as the final Saturday of May drifts into the history books. 

Sunday morning, in the middle of a beautiful Skype conversation, a moderate earthquake rumbles through the area – lasting for nearly thirty seconds. 

“I love the metaphor that my life is once again being shaken up.” I ponder with delight before heading off to the shower. 

Increasing Pains 

“Wow, Brenda” Keith comments as the Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony begins. “You are really in a good energy today.” 

Yes, my heart is alive and vibrating as I sit on my favorite magical porch. I feel invincible, ready to take on the world with love. 

I soon begin to meditate without back support – something I have not done in a chocolate ceremony for a very long time. To my dismay I begin to experience considerable sharp pains in the spine, directly behind my heart and between the shoulder blades. 

“This must just be aching muscles from meditating in a different position.” Logical mind attempts to rationalize. 

But even twenty minutes later, after leaning back and completely relaxing against the wall, the pain refuses to dissipate. In fact the aching actually grows stronger. 

Love, Expression, And Power 

Soon, I notice a mild energy presence surfacing at the lower front of my throat chakra. Then an even stronger pain begins to manifest itself in the lower solar plexus, right behind and above the belly button. 

“Hmmm,” I think to myself, “… heart, throat, and solar plexus … I wonder what is going on here?” 

“I know the back of the heart is my receptive side.” I further ponder, “This would imply receiving love … and the other pains would be associated with expression and power … but I am so confused. What does it all mean?” 

An Unloved Outcast 

“Can you help me understand what I am feeling?” I finally beg Keith for insight. 

“Brenda,” Keith gives me a profound clue, “I’m getting the guidance to suggest to you the metaphor of being ‘patted on the back’.” 

“Ouch!” I exclaim as pains suddenly surge in my body, powerfully confirming the truth of Keith’s inspired hint. 

“I was praised on a frequent basis during my youth.” I immediately share with painful clarity. “I always received awards, praise, congratulations etc… but such loving pats on the back subconsciously felt like manipulative handcuffs.” 

On the one hand, the praise was wonderful. I sought it out, time and time again. In fact, those ‘pats on the back” were quite addictive. 

On the other, I knew that I did not deserve it. The praise only served to remind me that I was a hypocrite. If my parents and leaders really knew what was going on inside my heart they would be disgusted. The ‘pats on the back’ felt like golden handcuffs – handcuffs that forced me to continue performing and earning even more praise so that I would not outwardly disappoint those who loved me. 

Yes, the only love I could allow myself to receive, felt as if it were deeply conditional. I had no power to express what was really going on in my heart. To do so would cause those loving ‘pats-on-my-back’ to cease. To access power and to express my true heart would turn me into an unloved outcast.

Rats, Dogs, And Pigeons 

As I follow this metaphor deeper and deeper into my process, the energetic pressure in my throat chakra continues to increase. Not being painful, it feels as if some type of energy is pressing in, gently squeezing me to make its presence profoundly known. Simultaneously the pain in my abdomen greatly intensifies and spreads to fill the entire solar plexus. 

“The praise I received came with powerful hidden intentions.” Intuitions take me ever deeper into the metaphor. “The intentions were designed to create and reinforce similar behavior in the future.” 

I begin to realize that I was literally programmed to act and behave in certain external ways – all to receive my reward. As I briefly reflect on University studies about psychological experiments in behavioral therapy, I suddenly see myself as being just like the rats, dogs, and pigeons that were behaviorally conditioned to respond in certain ways. 

Conditional Rewards 

“But I loved my mother so unconditionally.” I ponder with shock. “I have several powerful memories of squeezing my little arms around her neck, saying ‘I love you mommy’ – and I really meant it with all of my heart.” 

As I go deeper in thought, a profound realization settles in. Yes, I remember receiving unconditional love, and it was real … but these memories are all from sometime prior to age five. When I get into the realm of kindergarten and elementary school, I can longer identify any such memories. By that age, I was already seeking conditional rewards. 

Of course, I knew I was loved during those years, but I remember feeling as if I had to earn that love – to constantly prove myself worthy of that love via the actions that I performed in order to please. 

A Reservoir Of Anger 

Even with all the powerful insights flooding my mind, the agonizing pain in the back of my heart chakra only intensifies – letting me know that I am getting closer to the answers, but that I am not there yet. 

I begin to sense a reservoir of internal anger – anger about how the praise had been so subtly controlling and manipulating. 

Instinctively, I shift positions, getting on my hands and knees as I contemplate the possibility of experientially accessing some of this buried anger. 

“Perhaps punching a few pillows will pop the cork on this painful reservoir of anger.” I ponder briefly. 

“Do I need to cry this out?” I first beg Keith for answers. “I would love to find another way.” 

Weak Love 

“Connect with the higher energies.” Keith immediately guides me. 

As I attempt to allow divine light and energy to fill my body, I shift my meditation into a new direction, paying closer attention to everything around me. Suddenly, some dogs begin to bark loudly out on the street. 

“Love yourself!” I ponder joyfully as the dogs remind me of prior inner symbolism. 

As I immediately focus on sending unconditional love to a love-starved tummy, I am again whisked off to another profound metaphor – that of ‘Beauty and the Beast’ – reminding me that self-love is the key to healing this inner feud. 

To my surprise, I note that my heart feels quite weak – that the love I send seems to be without power. I feel the mild energy in my heart, but intuitively recognize that it is not being received by my solar plexus. 

“My dearest solar plexus,” I speak silently to my own inner energies, “I am sending you lots of unconditional love so that you can learn to trust me – so that you can heal yourself and your relationship with me.” 

Hypocrisy Revealed  

“Whoa,” I suddenly come to my senses.” 

“I am sending love to my solar plexus as an attempt to teach, to manipulate and to control.” I ponder with amazement. “Even my own love comes complete with a set of subtle well-intentioned golden handcuffs. I am patting my solar plexus on the back with the intention that it will first heal itself and then love me in return.” 

I have often pointed out to others that if love has any type of conditions, then it is not really love, but is instead a form of control and manipulation. The only real love is that which has no conditions, none whatsoever. Divine unconditional love simply “is”, simply loving no matter what. 

“I am being a hypocrite within my own body.” I suddenly realize. “I don’t even know how to truly love unconditionally on the inside. If I can’t learn to do it within my own body how could I ever profess to have an unconditionally loving relationship out in the world?” 

“I will simply love my solar plexus, no matter how it may or may not respond.” I ponder, feeling deeply humbled. 

Sitting Together, Watching 

“Help me Keith,” I plead. “I don’t know how to love my solar plexus in an unconditional way.” 

With Keith’s guidance, I make a heartfelt appeal to my Higher Self, asking to be taught. Soon I am metaphorically visiting with my solar plexus, first asking for its forgiveness. 

“Would you allow me to sit here with you?” I humbly ask my solar plexus. “Can we both just sit here together while we jointly observe the changes that take place in my heart above?” 

Goddesses Operating Table 

For the next couple of hours, my solar plexus and I sit in quiet meditation, passively observing what happens. I experience waves of powerful tingling energy – energy that seems to be working all over throughout the heart chakra region. Much of the energy vibrations initially feel quite painful and frightening – similar to the pain as when blood rushes back into a sleeping foot. 

Intuitively I understand that energy is returning to areas that have been asleep for decades. In all of my energy-filled meditations I have never before felt such a powerful opening process, especially in the collarbone area. 

The energy does not enter or leave my body – it simply works within. Metaphorically I imagine hundreds of angels running around in my chest cavity, adjusting pluming and using pipe cleaners to remove clogs and to open collapsed pipes. 

A New Level 

“What do I do now?” I eventually open my eyes and ask Keith, feeling as if this portion of my process has now reached completion. 

“Connect with your Higher Self,” Keith guides me lovingly. “Ask to be taken to another level.” 

Immediately the powerful and delightful tingling in my heart chakra again consumes me, continuing on for another hour or so. 

I absolutely love the feeling of such profound energy movement. 

Little Blue Ribbons 

Not only am I tickled by the energies, but my soul is also deeply “tickled” by the progress that I am making on my healing journey. 

As I drift off to sleep on Sunday evening, I feel astounded at how the Universe continues to bring me yet-another unique viewpoint into how the shutdown of my magical energies was accomplished.  

Yes, as a child I received abundant praise and pats on the back. But in profoundly subtle ways, such love was conditioned with hidden intentions, causing me to slowly sacrifice the “knowing in my heart” for the little blue ribbons of praise and loving reward. 

El Fin De Mayo

After another small early-morning earthquake tremor shakes my bed, Monday is mostly consumed with eleven hours of writing – eleven long hours filled with emotional struggle. Words do not flow smoothly. As I write about ego and the loops in which I constantly get lost, ego cleverly attempts to get in the way. 

Tuesday, the final day of May, is another beautiful day of meditation and writing. I continue to make great progress in releasing physical pains in my spine and hips – doing so through the meditative practice of watching self-hatred dissolve away in little bubbles. The process is indeed becoming quite fun – and meditating in an upright position without back support becomes ever-easier. 

A Dragging Heart 

Wednesday morning, the first day of June, finds me again looping in ego – feeling exhausted, choosing to stare blankly at a computer screen. 

Bizarrely enough, I clearly recognize that I am in an ego loop, but feel powerless to extract myself from it, even when trying to slip into observation mode.

“Spirituality is too much work.” I ponder numbly. “I am feeling drained. I am such a failure at this. I don’t want to expend the effort required to pull myself out of this exhausting loop.” 

After an hour of weakly watching ego voices, I finally do some reading – but I literally have to force myself to do so. My heart is dragging. I look forward to the afternoon chocolate ceremony, hoping desperately that something will jumpstart me back into the light. 

A Lifeless Heart 

As I meditate during the early portions of the chocolate ceremony, I proudly congratulate myself for at least recognizing that I am in an ego loop – for never losing sight of that fact. 

Yet meditation continues to be difficult, filled with constant distractions. I wish I could make progress on my third-eye and lower-chakra blockages. I feel helplessly stuck in meaningless chatter that laughs at me, telling me I don’t know how to proceed, that I am a failure, that I cannot do this. 

As I meditate on my desires to make further progress, my heart again feels energetically dead. 

A Firm Grasp 

“Help, I am really stuck.” I exclaim to Keith after filling him in on my feelings of helpless looping in ego resistance. 

“This must be something really big if ego is putting up such resistance.” Keith lovingly reassures me. 

“Find the curtain and pull it back.” Keith wastes no time putting me straight to work, at the same time recalling one of my favorite metaphors from the movie “The Wizard of Oz.” 

“Who is that voice and where is its power?” Keith continues. 

“That little old wizard from Kansas has no power over me,” I tell myself weakly, “except the power that I gave to him.” 

But I remain unconvinced … ego does indeed have a firm grasp on my heart. 

Enchanted Poppies 

Struggling to break free, I imagine myself back on the front row of my private theater, watching the movie in front of me. 

As I observe my personality-self struggling to wake up, I watch with surprise as feelings of exhaustion pull me even deeper into the sleepiness. Then an unexpected visual pops up on the movie screen. 

I see myself as Dorothy, walking through the huge poppy field in the Wizard of Oz. The poppies are the voice of ego, casting a sleeping-spell over me, convincing me I will never wake up. 

Somehow, this new visual metaphor gives me the power to break free of the sleepiness and to reengage Keith in conversation. 

Big Burley Bodyguards 

“My heart literally feels as if it is being squashed.” I explain to Keith. “I want to expand my heart, to bring in more energy and love, but I feel as if someone is sitting on it, restricting my ability to function.” 

“Close your eyes,” Keith tells me, “and go into your heart. Feel it and understand what this is about.” 

As I energetically connect with my heart, another strong visual pops into my mind. There is a row of huge burly bodyguards surrounding my entire heart, forming a large protective circle. 

“That’s dumb.” A voice pops into my head. “You have used a similar metaphor before. This is not original. It will not work.” 

I ignore this obvious voice of ego doubt, confidently telling Keith what I have found. 

“I don’t feel as much resistance from these guys as I did from the last bodyguard that I encountered in meditation.” I tell Keith. “But these guys are big and strong, doing their jobs with power.” 

“Go talk to one of them.” Keith guides me in the obvious. 

“He seems quite nice.” I tell Keith a minute later. “He is very willing to talk to me.” 

“Is he ready to consider getting a new job description from Higher Self?” Keith again leads me down a familiar path. 

“Yes, he is,” I speak up a few minutes later, “but there is a great deal of fear and uncertainty.” 

“You know what to do.” Keith coaches me as he moves on to work with someone else. 

Frightening Fear 

Soon I have invited my inner children – both Sharon and Bobby – to help me. The two of them grab the hands of my friend, the bodyguard, one on either side. My dear little children then begin to tug and pull on this big burley guys hands, attempting to coax him to follow them out to the beautiful meadow behind my heart. 

We all want him to go have a chat with Higher Self – and this meadow behind a metaphorical door in the back of my heart chakra has been a favorite spot for such chats in the past. 

Immediately I sense the big guy freeze up with fear. He wants to go with my children, but is terrified to leave his post. 

Fearful emotion simultaneously overwhelms me and I begin to sob deeply – as quietly as I can do so. Rivers run down my cheeks and my teeth chatter in waves. I soon pull a large scarf over my head, sinking deeper into the pain, crying out wave after wave of this frightening fear. 

A House Call 

“Rather than taking him out to the meadow,” Keith briefly advises me, “ask your Higher Self come to him, right where he is at. Have your Higher Self show him a movie of your healing progress and then talk to him – doing it all right there by your heart.” 

For thirty minutes, I silently observe as Higher Self makes this personal house call, reminding the bodyguard that we love him, thanking him for keeping us safe, alive, and protected during these extremely difficult years – but then telling him that now is the time for all of us to allow the energies of my heart to step up a level. 

The Divine Mother 

“Brenda, ask the bodyguards to make an intermediate adjustment for now.” Keith briefly coaches me before again moving on. “Ask them to continue keeping all of the negative energies out of your heart, but to begin allowing unconditional love to come through.” 

As I focus on this beautiful process, starting to feel the loving agreement and cooperation of my bodyguards, I continue to pay attention to the ongoing work of others around me. 

“You are feeling the divine mother holding you.” I hear Keith tell one beautiful woman from Russia. 

Suddenly I take this as a profound clue in my own process, realizing that I want to feel the divine mother holding me. I want to feel the warm embrace of this beautiful unconditional loving energy that I should now be able to feel in my heart. 

As I meditatively relax into her arms, visualizing myself being held in this beautiful love, I feel … well … I uh … I feel … absolutely nothing. 

All Or Nothing 

It seems that I feel the metaphorical presence of an impenetrable steel plate lining the back of my heart – one that continues to prevent me from allowing the love in. The plate feels quite painful and I begin to cry profusely as I again sink down the emotional rabbit hole. 

“I don’t even know how to let the divine mother love me.” I sink into painful hopelessness. “I am incapable of allowing that unconditional love.” 

I intuitively recognize that I am blocking the love because of fear. The only love I know how to receive is conditional. This new type of love is strangely frightening. 

Those metaphorical bodyguards continue to tightly protect an extremely guarded heart. It seems that I am so absolutely terrified of having my heart broken by fake conditional love that I continue to have huge walls protecting me from all types of love.  

An Unexpected Detour

“I don’t know if I have ever felt unconditional love in my entire life?” I begin to ponder. “Yes, there are many times when I have believed myself to feel this type of love … but do I really know what it is?” 

As these thoughts flood my mind, I suddenly regress into the body of a very young child, much less then age three. In fact, I feel as if I am inside the body of a small baby – a baby desperately wanting to feel loved by my mother, but not feeling that love. What I do feel has conditions, it hurts deeply, and it is not pleasant. 

In this midst of this profound and unexpected meditative detour, I bend over at the waist and begin to cry with deep gut-wrenching sobs – once more trying to remain as quiet and un-dramatic as possible while my teeth chatter uncontrollably and the streaming tears saturate my straggly hair. 

For twenty minutes I cry alone while sinking deeper into this profound and very-real metaphor. I literally feel the intense emotional pain of this little baby – I literally am this little baby. It is all undeniably real. I may not be able to put forth any physical evidence to back up the claim, but the experience is far too real to be able to doubt any of it. 

Overwhelming Waves 

In the midst of my sobbing, insights continue flooding my mind. I clearly see a metaphor that Keith has often used – one of love being like ripples on a smooth glass-like pond. I feel like this little baby’s pond is overwhelmed by huge emotional waves of pain – agitation so powerful that the calm ripples of unconditional love are completely drowned out. 

This poor little baby-me desperately craves to feel the love, but all I can feel is the intense pain. I am so energetically sensitive to everything going on around me that I cannot find the calm and still loving waters. 

Love Equals Pain 

“What you are experiencing is very real.” Keith reassures me when he finally returns to work with me. “You are feeling the emotional pain of your mother.” 

He explains that my mother did indeed love me unconditionally, but that I was a very empathic little baby, and that I literally experienced the emotional pain of everyone around me, in a profoundly physical way. 

“This is how it feels to a child,” Keith guides me, “when they are being told that they are being loved, but all they can feel is pain.” 

In a very literal way, my perception of love was that “love hurts – that I cannot be loved without feeling deep pain.” 

Looping Emotions 

Keith explains that my mother’s love was there all along – that she indeed loved me unconditionally – but her emotions literally overwhelmed my sensitivities, drowning out my capacity to feel the underlying love. 

Yes, in the midst of this powerful regression I profoundly ‘get it’. I was a very magical little child. Right now I am literally feeling, in a very physical way, the frustration, insecurity, fear, inadequacy, doubt, and sadness. These were all the emotions of my mother struggling with the frustrations of how to love and calm down a screaming baby – a baby crying for absolutely no reason at all. 

The more my mother struggled with helping me, the more I felt the pain and cried. The more I cried, the more she struggled to help me. 

Profuse Prickly Pain 

I attempt to visualize my dear mother holding me, loving me, nursing me, changing my diaper, anything at all … but no matter how hard I try, the only thing that comes into my mind is my dear mother’s stress, her pain, her self-doubt, her body-insecurities, and her panic over not knowing how to calm down a baby that cries so much. 

Try as I might, I simply cannot feel myself as being loved in my mother’s arms. 

Logically, I know I was loved deeply – but I feel a sharp and profound pain right at the center of my heart chakra – right on top of the sternum. The pain is focused at the exact spot where I have often felt the sensation of a “nail-in-the-heart” – but this time the excruciating pain reaches several inches above and below this spot. It is an aching, sharp, and prickly pain that hurts profusely. 

Feeling The Love

“Ask the angels to come in and to temporarily lift the perceptions of your mother’s unhealed emotions,” Keith guides me, “so that you, as a baby, are able to perceive that there really was a deep unconditional love.” 

I struggle with this guidance for over half an hour. The physical pain is so strong, the fear so pervasive, that I am incapable of allowing the angels to lift those painful perceptions, incapable of allowing the love to be felt. 

Keith soon guides two women to come over to assist, one doing a little energy work, the other using her empath skills, both holding a beautiful loving space. Finally, I can feel it … I, as that little baby, can feel my mother’s love. 

Painful And Locked 

“Now, energetically release some of the pain.” Keith guides me to begin letting go of the intense reservoir of emotional density stored away by that tiny baby. 

During the first phases I feel next to nothing … the pain is in my sternum is so intense that gradual reductions seem insignificant, continuing to be drowned out by the large waves of pain. 

Little by little, I begin to release enough of the excruciating pain that I can feel the differences as they gradually progress. 

The agonizing pain in my sternum subsides, ever so slowly. This poor little baby of mine felt martyred, as if a nail had been literally stabbed into his heart, telling him that love equals pain. 

Finally, the pain in the front of my chest has vanished almost completely, and I feel as if I have experienced significant sensations of my mother’s genuine love. But intense pain in the back of my heart continues to rage relentlessly – the steel plate at the back of my heart is painful and locked. 

Energetic, Not Physical 

“Could this pain be physical?” I beg Keith for some way to help me release it. “Do you think a physical adjustment might be appropriate?” 

After a quick check that says “yes, we can try it,” I lie face down on a row of cushions. Keith quickly pops several of my ribs – but the strongest pains at the back of my heart remain untouched. 

“Sorry Brenda,” Keith breaks the news. “My guidance is that the remainder is still energetic.” 

An Agonizing Blockage 

“You need to actively go in and grab that pain in your back,” Keith guides me to go deep into meditation. “Energetically pull it out by the roots in whatever way you can.” 

This whole experience is remarkably similar to one I had just four weeks ago when my left shoulder blade was killing me. But in other ways it is quite different. This meditation today feels active, like I am pushing and forcing the flow. 

I cannot explain how I know what to do, but I use my will to energetically pull density out of the back of my heart. The process is intense and excruciating. I can literally feel the pain slowly leave the back side of my heart in small energetic waves, first entering my spine, next rising up my back, and then getting stuck, right at the rear center of my neck. 

The pain at the blockage in my neck is intense and agonizing. Try as I might, I cannot coax the pain to rise any higher. My logical mind tells me I have to do it like I did four weeks ago, coaxing the pain to leave through the crown chakra. 

Undeniably Real 

“Brenda,” Keith briefly jumps in to guide me, “try transmuting the density directly in your throat chakra.” 

For the next hour I work as hard as I have ever worked in my life. Repeatedly I energetically grab and suck painful densities out of the back of my heart, slowly coax them up to my neck (where they hurt intensely) and then use barely-audible throat vibrations to transmute them. 

Sometimes I do the transmuting with heavy breathing that creates a mild vibration in my throat. Other times I make quiet oohhmming sounds. Each and every time, I find it quite difficult to coax the energy to dissolve once it has lodged itself in my neck.  

Pulling it out of my heart seems easy. I literally experience the sensation that I am pulling out clogged roots – deeply releasing root systems that have completely encased the receptive side of my heart – preventing energies of any kind from entering. 

Based on what I physically experience, I absolutely know that what I am feeling is undeniably real. There is no room for logical doubts. 

Do As I’m Doing 

At times joyful tears overwhelm me as I sense higher energies filling spaces left empty in the back of my heart, neck, and head. Then I lose contact with those light energies and go back into the deep painful work of pulling out more emotional densities. 

It is a long and difficult cycling process. I ask the energies to help me automate the process – but my response seems to be a big intuitive feeling of, “sorry, but no, you need to do this one yourself”. 

“Is there some way I can speed up the process by bringing in divine assistance?” I soon beg Keith for clarity, without telling him of my own prior intuition. 

“No Brenda,” Keith replies lovingly, “I’m getting that you need to continue doing exactly what you are doing.” 

Expanded Release 

Soon, I decide to try to step it up a little, trusting that any help I need will be provided. While continuing to suck emotional blockages from the back side of my heart, I also begin to focus on pulling densities from all other areas of my heart chakra at the same time. 

To my delight, I feel painful energy beginning to move from ribs, shoulders, and the lower areas of my chest as well. As before, all of these densities move to my spine, to a spot directly behind the heart, and then flow up the spine to the back side of my neck where I vibrate them out with my expressive chakra. 

I am beginning to feel as if my heart chakra is actually clear – well at least the present layer being worked on is mostly clear. 

Done Enough 

“I think you have probably done enough for today.” Keith gently coaches me as the afternoon is drawing late. 

To my delight, as I stop the process, the back of my heart chakra feels open and light. I experience energy flowing that I have no memory of ever before feeling. The lower areas of my spine feel open and light as well … but the upper spine and back side of my neck feel partially plugged with mild pains. 

The way I have been vibrating the densities out of my neck has been tedious and slow – a process that has remained difficult throughout the long afternoon. Intuitively I know that some densities remain stuck in the neck area, but I also agree with Keith, knowing that I am exhausted from the extreme effort – that I am indeed done for now. 

“I just have to trust that if any of this density remains as pain,” I ponder with confidence, “that I will be able to energetically move it later.” 

Active Versus Passive 

Before heading home, I engage Keith in a short conversation. 

“I thought I was supposed to remain more passive, to follow the energies and allow them to work through me.” I express to Keith somewhat confused. “But today you encouraged me to be actively involved in pushing and pulling the energies.”  

“Sometimes you actually do have to go in with the cannons.” Keith shocks me. 

“But how do you know when to do which?” I beg for clarity. 

“You don’t!” Keith smiles. “There are no rules; every experience is different.” 

Keith goes on to clarify that you have to follow the flow of your own energy. When following your inner guidance, if what you do does not seem to work, then check again with your intuitions and try something else. 

“Today however,” Keith speaks with confidence, “I was strongly guided to have you be active, to do the release with power.” 

Dancing With Joy 

“Congratulations,” Keith tells me as I give him a quick goodnight hug, “you did great work today.” 

Throughout the evening, the wonderful flow of energy continues to astound me. I am experiencing energy dancing around my back in ways that I never before imagined possible. Areas that once seemed energetically dead are now beginning to shout with joy, “Hey Brenda, we are alive, let’s dance.” 

“Wow, what an amazing day.” I tell myself while resting on my pillow. “I love this energy … and I love the growth path that continues to bring me more with each experience.” 

Enjoy The Glimpses 

Thursday morning, I awaken extremely early. To my delight and surprise, as I enter a short meditation, I again feel a powerful and beautiful energy dancing throughout my back regions. 

But as I spend Thursday in writing, reading, and even watching a movie, I clearly recognize that the amazing energy flow is a gift and not a permanent fixture. Yes, I find it much easier to return to that place than ever before, but the intuitions are also quite clear and humbling. 

“Enjoy the glimpses, but you are not there yet.” The Jedi voices whisper. 

Unique Vantage Points 

As I look back on what has been an amazing six-day journey, I am blown away by how the flow of my being has again created such a well-orchestrated healing journey. 

Who would have ever thought that receiving continuous “pats on the back” during childhood could be so manipulative and controlling, causing me to gradually shut down my heart in such subtle ways? 

Who could have imagined that with all of my profound healing, my heart could have still been so guarded and blocked? 

And who would have ever dreamed it possible to actually regress to experience the agonizing emotions of a small empathic baby, and to realize with excruciating clarity why I learned to equate love with pain? 

I continue to be astounded how each chocolate ceremony can bring such a profound level of clarity – each taking me ever deeper – each one letting me personally experience my self from another incredible and unique vantage point of understanding. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

I continue to be blown away by the synchronous nature in which events seem to unfold so beautifully. 

Wednesday afternoon, May 25, as the cacao ceremony is preparing to get underway, I deeply struggle with emotions of confusion and inadequacy. It seems that tomorrow I will be writing about one of the most crazy and bizarre days that I have ever experienced on Keith’s porch – a profoundly confusing day that left me completely questioning my sanity. 

(Full details of that April 15 day can be found in a May 26, 2011 posting titled: A Question Of Sanity.) 

As fate would have it, a young man shows up on Keith’s porch today – all because he bumped into me on the street. He is one of the small group-of-five who participated in that wild April afternoon. This is the first time in several weeks that this young man has come to a ceremony. To my delight the first hour of conversation (while the chocolate absorbs into our bodies), synchronously centers on the events of that day. 

The conversation brings me a great deal of closure, allowing me to regroup and re-center myself for the difficult writing task at hand – a daunting piece of writing that causes terror to rise up in my soul whenever I think about trying to begin. 

An Ego Paradox 

As the main portion of ceremony begins, Keith simply zones out, drifting away in meditation. 

“Obviously he is following my energy.” I ponder after thirty minutes of pure silence on the porch. 

I am deeply immersed in an internal battle about the nature of ego, particularly pondering the question of whether or not it is appropriate to ask for help. 

“Is it ego causing me to believe that I need help?” I ponder. “Or is it ego telling me that I am strong and independent and that I shouldn’t need to ask for help?” 

As I ponder this strange paradox, no one on the porch makes any effort to speak or to ask questions. I have an eerie feeling that Keith is quietly waiting for me to make the first move. 

Into The Resistance 

“Keith,” I finally interrupt, “Can I ask you something?” 

“Of course,” Keith responds with a smile, continuing to keep his eyes closed in meditation. 

“I’m feeling slightly triggered by our discussions of what happened here on the porch on April 15 … and I am still dealing with this intense internal feud of self-hatred between heart and solar plexus.” 

“I am stuck and don’t know where to begin or how to proceed.” I ask for advice. “At the same time, I’m recognizing lots of ego distractions – noises, doubts, feelings of failure, wandering mind, etc…” 

“I know this is all resistance and defense mechanisms,” I finish, “but I just don’t know how to move past it. Can you help?” 

“Go into the resistance and be with it.” Keith responds with minimal guidance. 

Stubborn and Self-reliant 

For another twenty minutes, complete silence continues to consume the porch. 

Still floundering in self doubt, I notice that most of the resistance I feel is centered on the topic of asking for help. 

“I am supposed to do this on my own!” The voice in my head relentlessly pounds me. “Keith gave me instructions … I need to find the answer myself.” 

This stubborn voice feels like ego – a voice insisting that I have to be strong, self-sufficient, and to not bother others with my needs. Again I struggle with the paradox of asking for help. 

Good To Ask 

“Keith,” I interrupt the silence, “can you help me understand when it is appropriate to ask for help – about whether it is ego that tells me I need help, or ego that tells me I shouldn’t need help?” 

“I have often heard you say, ‘I’m one smart cookie, but I could never have figured this out on my own.’” I tell Keith. “Today I know that I cannot do this alone, but something inside insists that I am supposed to try – that I shouldn’t ask for help.” 

Keith gently reassures me that it is good to ask for help. 

Revolving Seats 

“Close your eyes and grab your little girl.” Keith immediately begins to guide me. “Go to the conference room and invite your masculine and feminine energies to join you, one on each side of the table.” 

“Now take a look,” Keith continues, “and tell me which one is on which side of the table?” 

“It doesn’t make sense,” I reply with confusion, “but the masculine energy is on the left, and the feminine is on the right. It seems like it should be the other way around.” 

“Now bring your heart and solar plexus into the conference room to join you.” Keith guides the meditation into another interesting twist. 

“Now, which sides of the table are they sitting on?” Keith asks. 

“The heart is on the left, with the masculine energy,” I respond with even more confusion, “and the solar plexus is on the right with the feminine energy.”

Bring It Forward 

Almost immediately, several others on the porch jump into the conversation to share where their own energies are at. My first reaction is to resent the intrusion – but then I realize “Hey, I am creating this … let’s see what it triggers.” 

“What if you went back as a child and integrated the loving energy that you needed from your parents?” one woman suggests to me. “You could do it in a healthy way and then bring that energetic integration forward to the present.” 

“Brenda, did you get that?” Keith asks me. 

“Actually, no,” I respond to Keith’s unexpected question. “I don’t remember a thing that she just said. It is as if I just went into my childhood shutdown energy and completely zoned out in confusion.” 

“Remember what it means when that confusion kicks in?” Keith inquires. 

“Yeah,” I respond, still slightly confused, remembering how my sanity was questioned on April 15. “It means that I am getting close to something really important.” 

My friend then repeats her suggestion about going back as a child, integrating loving energy and bringing that forward. 

Confusion again taps me on the shoulder. I feel as if what my friend just said makes complete psychological sense, at a rational mind level, but her words do not resonate with my heart in any way. 

A Brief Glimpse 

For another five or ten minutes, many others on the porch jump in to give me boatloads of loving advice and feedback. All of the wisdom that I hear makes complete sense – yet all of it feels like well-intentioned rational mind advice that is trying to drown out and invalidate what I feel and know to be true in my own heart.  

I suddenly recognize profound parallels behind what is happening here on the porch right this minute and what happened on April 15. It is the same thing that happened to me as a child – only this time I will not stifle my heart-knowing in an effort to follow the rational minds of others. 

“I hear everyone’s beautiful input,” I finally interrupt with love, “and I agree with you all … but I have already been doing everything that you are suggesting at the rational mind level … and I have been doing it for many years.” 

“Trust me when I tell you that I am deeply empowered about all of this when it comes to the level of logic and rational mind.” I continue speaking with deep loving appreciation. 

“But what I am experiencing today is much deeper that logic. I am dealing with energies buried in the subconscious mind – energies that make no sense at all to the rational mind. I need to go into my subconscious and deal with these energies there. Doing this on a logical head level will solve absolutely nothing.” 

I simply giggle inside as I recognize how today is providing a brief and profound glimpse into how I was gradually and ever-so-subtly guided into shutting down my own heart. As a child, I was bombarded with logic and religious teachings that constantly invalidated what my tiny heart knew to be true.

Trading Places 

A deep feeling of understanding and empowerment swells in my heart as I again turn my attention to Keith, seeking deeper answers – answers that transcend logic. 

“Go back to the conference room.” Keith immediately guides me. “What side are the energies on now? 

“It doesn’t make any sense,” I respond with more confusion, “but I now feel the masculine energy on the right side and the feminine on the left. This is where I would have expected them to be all along … but why did they trade places now?” 

“This is you as an adult in the now.” Keith fills me in. “The seating arrangement before was you in your youth.” 

“What does that mean to you?” Keith inquires. 

Fight To The Death 

The answer is now very clear to me. As a child and young man, the masculine energy was desperately fighting for survival, living in the heart, doing everything it could to protect itself and to fight-off the overwhelming feminine mutiny. During those first twenty-eight years of my life, the feminine energy was hated, despised, abandoned, and sentenced to exile – all in a desperate attempt to destroy those evil and satanic transgendered feelings. 

When I began to integrate the feminine into my life, that feminine energy finally succeeded in overthrowing the evil-tyrant masculine energy, rightfully taking her proper place in my heart. Her leadership eventually allowed me to fully transition, to achieve the glorious peaceful blessing of being my true self. But in the process, this feminine energy sought revenge, exiling the masculine energy, hating him for having suppressed her during all of those long and painful years. He could definitely not be trusted. 

Yes, it seems that I have identified the source of this intense self hatred – this inexplicable deeply-rooted family feud. There has been an entire lifetime of hatred on both sides – masculine hating feminine, feminine hating masculine, both feeling horribly repressed and victimized by the other, both desperately fighting for survival, both believing that only one can ultimately survive. 

It seems that they both believe the statement that: “As long as my enemy remains alive, I am in serious danger.” 

Reconciliation Refused 

Immediately I flashback to a private session with Keith in October 2010 – an experience documented in a blog titled “Hidden Treasures”. During that profound session I had uncovered and dealt with intense self-hatred. Through the combination of many synchronous events, I discovered an angry masculine energy, still living inside of me. That angry male energy, perhaps in his late twenties, was livid about how the feminine had overthrown him, kicking him out of his body, destroying his life and taking away his family. During that beautiful process, the masculine found great peace and healing with the feminine. 

But today I realize that the feminine continues to totally despise the masculine. Intuitively I realize that the masculine is ready to attempt some type of reconciliation, he wants to make peace, to love, and to forgive. But the feminine absolutely refuses to even talk. 

A Weapon And A Cake 

“Brenda,” Keith resumes guiding me. “There is something in the middle of the table. What is it?” 

“I have to laugh, but I am feeling a birthday cake and a meat cleaver.” I explain with confusion. “The blade of the large knife is deeply buried into the wooden surface of the table top – as if put there with anger and force.” 

“It doesn’t make sense,” I continue talking to Keith. “I feel like the knife is a weapon that could be used in the ongoing feud – but the birthday cake implies celebration.” 

It is not until later that I see the knife as simply a knife – a very handy tool to cut the cake – and the cake is indeed an opportunity to celebrate the fact that perhaps we might be close to some type of reconciliation. 

Gender Boxes 

As everyone on the porch suddenly begins to explore their own inner masculine and feminine journeys, Keith moves on to work with someone else. 

Within thirty minutes, the entire ceremony evolves into further mental-level conversation about gender and societal norms, childhood conditioning, shutdown, gender programming, parental expectations, and how we are all taught to live in a binary box – being either a little boy or a little girl – with most of us being highly warned about the evils of not conforming to the box into which we were born. 

This is a beautiful opportunity to educate people about gender stereotypes and expectations – but I am interested in meditation, and my meditation seems to be going nowhere. 

Reach Out And Touch 

As ceremony seems to begin winding down, I again focus, desperately hoping to bring some type of closure to the bizarre inner battle taking place in my subconscious mind. I dream of future healing, of reconciliation between these two beautiful sides of myself. 

“How do I facilitate this reconciliation?” I beg Keith for guidance. 

“You don’t.” Keith responds lovingly. “You simply set your intention and then allow whatever happens … trusting that the flow as directed by Higher Self will move the process forward for you. You need simply follow and allow.” 

As I sit at the end of the conference table, I feel guided to initiate a small negotiation. 

“Won’t you two briefly hug each other?” I ask. 

Resistance from the feminine side is quite severe. 

“Would you consider the possibility of reaching across the table to momentarily hold hands?” I follow up. 

The masculine seems willing, placing his hands palm-up on the table. The feminine starts to reach out, but then freezes in panic, quickly withdrawing her hands. 

In response to a flash of intuition, I ask the masculine energy to place his hands palm-down at the middle of the table. 

“Can you at least reach out with your fingertips and briefly touch the back of his hands?” I ask the feminine energy with deep love. 

Movie Metaphors 

I am delighted as I begin to see a very clear visual image during this meditation. While the male hands remain palm-down at the center of the table, I watch as two female hands reach forward, briefly hesitating. The moment that the feminine fingers finally touch the back of the masculine hands, something completely unexpected takes me to an entire new level of understanding. 

To my shock, I actually witness the man’s hands triple in size while at the same time transforming into the paws of a huge ugly beast. Simultaneously, the woman’s hands grow smaller and increasingly delicate. 

Suddenly, the metaphor of “Beauty and the Beast” powerfully floods into my consciousness. Memories of the Disney movie begin to fill me with profound insights as the ceremony draws to conclusion. 

He Let Her Go 

Late Wednesday evening, I treat myself to a private viewing of the Walt Disney version of Beauty and the Beast. 

I am blown away by the stereotypes that fit my situation so perfectly. 

Gaston is the stereotypical masculine jerk, handsome and strong, but completely into himself, clueless as to how to have a real intimate relationship. Try as he might to get Belle’s attention, she rejects him. 

The Beast, while once having been a masculine jerk, now has a loving and vulnerable heart – but his appearance is repulsive. He is so afraid of rejection that his guard is up, and his old behaviors form a wall around his heart for protection. 

Belle is a free spirit, refusing to be a normal citizen, instead insisting on following her heart and dreams. She will not settle for Gaston – but is initially quite terrified by the appearance and angry defensive behavior of the Beast. 

In the end, after they become friends, the Beast insists that Belle leave to go rescue her father, in essence sacrificing himself. 

“I let her go.” The Beast tells his friends in the castle, knowing that his fate of forever-remaining a beast has now been sealed. 

“I had to let her go … because I love her.” The Beast continues. 

A Handsome Prince 

Suddenly, I realize that my own masculine energy has essentially “let me go” – releasing the feminine to go find herself, hoping that perhaps she might return one day to discover how loving that the Beast really is – now that he has let-go-of and processed his own anger and self-hatred. 

“I think that the beautiful Belle in my heart is very near to embracing that loving and forgiving Beast in my solar plexus.” I ponder while drifting off toward sleep. 

“She will be quite happy when she discovers that her biggest fear is actually just a handsome Prince. Maybe we will be eating some of that birthday cake after all.” 

Return To Confusion 

Early Thursday morning, before meditation, I again engage Keith in a quick discussion regarding my confusing paradox about the interactions between ego and the concept of asking versus not-asking for help. 

“You are focusing in on the wrong half of the equations,” Keith tells me. 

“On the one hand you begin your question stating ‘asking-for-help = this’” Keith attempts to clarify, “and on the other hand you state that ‘not-asking-for-help = that’.” 

“Rather than questioning the left side of the equation,” Keith continues, “You need to look at the ‘this’ and the ‘that’ side. That is where your answer lies.” 

Keith acts like what he has just told me is extremely clear, but I am extremely confused – feeling more lost in his words than I have felt in a very long time. I think I understand, but every time I attempt to get Keith to clarify, to state things in a slightly different way, I feel as if he gives me exactly the same answer, while impatiently implying that I am just not listening. 

I feel like an invalidated little child, feeling as if my teacher is intentionally crazy-making with me – intentionally manipulating me. 

A Beautiful Taste 

Suddenly I realize the beautiful synchronicity. I am creating this. 

“Keith is just playing along with my energy.” I giggle. “He is simply following my flow, creating exactly what I need right now before going home to write.” 

“In just two hours I will be writing about a very confusing little child who was invalidated and made to feel crazy – all by loving parents.” I smile with huge recognition. “He has again given me a beautiful reminder – a beautiful synchronous taste of how I felt on April 15 – and a beautiful taste of how I felt as a child.” 

What perfect timing to help me go home and write with power and clear emotion. 

Drowning In The Lake 

Finally, after I successfully re-center myself in the present reality, fully giggling as to how the Universe has given me this beautiful gift, Keith provides a simple answer that makes so much sense. 

“You believe that if you go down to the lake you will drown.” Keith shares with me. “But you also believe that if you do not go down to the lake that you will die of thirst.” 

“The question is not about whether you should or should-not go down to the lake,” Keith clarifies brilliantly, “but whether the options about drowning or dying-of-thirst are indeed your only true and possible outcomes.” 

Sometimes asking questions is a manifestation of ego,” I think to myself with clarity, “and sometimes not-asking questions implies ego. But there are many questions that can be asked or not-asked where ego is not the least bit involved.” 

Trust The Flow 

To my shock and surprise, as morning meditation finally starts I begin to cry – in fact I whimper profusely through most of the entire hour and a half.  

I uncontrollably vacillate in and out of the confusion to which Keith has so eloquently helped me to again access – all the while pondering the daunting task of writing about this horrible confusion when I still do not fully understand it myself. 

“I might get lost in that confusion again.” I think to myself as I ponder the fear of opening the door and stepping inside. “What if I discover that I really am a crazy fool?” 

I want to find clarity. I want to write. I want to uncover the truth and heal whatever may come up – but for some reason, the task is frightening. 

“Ego hides behind your fears.” Internal Jedi voices remind me. “Go into the fear Brenda. You can do this without losing yourself.” 

“Be the observer as you write.” My heart whispers. “Allow yourself to feel the emotions but don’t lose yourself in them. Whatever happens will happen. If you write and bawl your brains out, so be it. If you write and giggle all day, so be it.” 

“Just write to heal yourself, and leave the rest up to the flow.” 

Perfectly Present To Talk 

After having disappeared for several weeks, Serg unexpectedly shows up about half-way through morning meditation.  

The Universe never ceases to amaze me. There were three other people (all men) on that porch with Keith and I on April 15 – all had previously shared that I was the one who appeared to be crazy as the confusing events of that day unfolded. 

Two of those men had disappeared form the porch for several weeks – and now, in just the last two days, the very days in which I struggle to prepare for writing about that day, both of these men magically show up – both being fully present to provide feedback and to help me understand what happened (from their viewpoints) on that bizarre and confusing day. 

In fact, of the five who were present on that crazy day, four of us are now present to talk about it as soon as meditation finishes. 

A Question Of Sanity 

During this post-meditation conversation, the other man from the porch that day tells me, “I thought Keith was being quite hard-assed with you during parts of the ceremony.” 

“Then I am not crazy.” I giggle with pure relief. “Yes, I did go into some crazy emotions that day, but at least one person has finally verbally acknowledged that Keith was beautifully playing his side of the script – that he was indeed badgering me quite forcefully, in a very hard-assed way at times.” 

Keith then goes on to reiterate that he was indeed playing along in the role of an authoritative parent – not knowing where it would all lead, but knowing that the role had to be played. 

As I walk home from meditation, the confusing tears are gone, having been replaced by deep clarity and gratitude. Feeling filled with confidence and inspiration, I quickly immerse myself in writing a powerful piece about how a young child could be pushed to the edge of insanity – all by happy and caring parents who were simply doing their loving duty. 

Ego Pattern Recognized 

After posting another beautiful piece of writing on Friday, I begin to recognize a disturbing pattern. It seems that after beautiful days of inspiration and energy-filled writing, I often seem to sink into depressive doldrums at almost the exact moment that I press the publish button. 

As of today (May 27) I have published my two-hundredth posting – a post that was published at two minutes before 2:00 p.m., exactly two weeks and two days before the completion of two years of traveling. I giggle at the beautiful abundance of twos – but soon sink again into that confusing state of ‘now what?’ 

I am tired and headachy, and my body wants to shut down. I feel no energy, and hear inner voices whispering that I am a failure, that no one will bother reading what I have written, blah, blah, blah. 

Wow It Worked 

I listen to these powerful voices for nearly an hour before I have had enough of ego’s venom. Quickly entering meditation, I as the observer sit on the front row of my theater and imagine watching my personality-self struggling with these ego voices up on the screen. 

“No, don’t fall for it.” I hear my observer-self cheering on the personality-self up on that movie screen. “This is an ego ploy … don’t fall for it … you will not fail but you do need to wake up to what is happening … come on, you can do it.” 

To my giggles and delight, I soon return to my happy and energetic self, spending a delightful evening of reading, watching videos, and meditation. 

“Wow, it worked,” I congratulate myself for catching ego in another popular trick. 

As I drift off to sleep I again ponder the beautiful synchronicities that continue to fill my life – the most recent ones amazingly coinciding with my writing for the week. 

Sanity Revisited 

“Yes, I am quite sane.” I pat myself on the back for the beautiful clarity that overflows my soul. 

On April 15, I did indeed create my reality – a bizarre reality in which Keith played an unscripted standing-ovation performance of a parent lovingly destroying my fragile sense of sanity. 

On Wednesday morning, May 25, the Universe did indeed orchestrate the situation where I unexpectedly bumped into a young friend on my way to the ceremony – causing him to think “I bet Brenda is going to a chocolate ceremony. I think I will go too.” Twenty minutes later, a beautiful hour-long conversation unfolds that takes me back to April 15. Yes indeed, all of this was created for my benefit. 

Also on Wednesday, I personally manifested a situation in the chocolate ceremony – a situation that took me right back to the confusing subtleties of shutting down a heart because of the logical well-intentioned words of others. 

When I lovingly stood up to that voice, exerting the confidence of my heart, I was subsequently blessed with deep clarity about how a children’s fairy tale perfectly describes my life-long hate-filled feud between heart and solar plexus. 

Early Thursday morning, I personally created a conversation in which Keith would momentarily and unknowingly treat me like a child, perfectly reminding me of my writing task at hand. 

Also on Thursday morning, I did indeed manifest that Serg would show up for meditation after three long weeks of absence from the porch. The conversation that unfolds as a result was tailored perfectly for my needs, ending with a little burst of sanity-inducing clarity that gave me exactly the inner confidence that I needed to write. 

And yes, the movie Revolver was written and produced precisely because I needed to watch it some day – so that I would have the understanding to catch ego in his tricks … to say “I am onto you” … 

Last, and the most profound fact of all, is that “I am absolutely sane, and I believe that everything I have written above is one hundred percent certifiably TRUE.” 

I love creating my reality – and it is time to eat some birthday cake. I sure hope I can get that meat cleaver out of the table top. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Unexpected streams of intense tears consume me as my teeth chatter uncontrollably. I am still in bed at 6:15 a.m. on Saturday morning, May 21, barely less than 19 hours after my third and final scorpion sting in the same twelve-hour period. 

This unplanned outburst of emotion startles me. I feel confused, beating myself up, looping in negativity and a depression-like attitude. A very real energy is scolding me, verbally flogging me for “wasting” the last two days of writing opportunity – severely chiding me for remaining in bed – for being slothful and lazy. 

“Give me a break.” I respond to this harsh taskmaster voice. “This makes absolutely no sense. I have every reason to love myself – to congratulate myself for having peacefully survived three scorpion stings with such love, dignity, and grace.” 

Pitiful Pathetic Ego 

But I cannot deny it. Something inside me is feeling tired, achy, sad, depressed, lonely, and on the edge of a major pity-party. This self-defeating energy in my body is utterly demanding that I must enter into some sort of negative “I hate myself” loop in order to be pitiful enough to win people’s love, sympathy, and support. 

“If I am giggly and smiling then people don’t seem to give me the love that I deserve.” A loud inner voice whines. “When I am positive and empowered, telling everyone that I am just fine, they simply ignore me and go on with their lives – ignoring how I was victimized by three painful scorpion stings – not giving me the ‘poor Brenda’ and ‘job well done’ messages that I so desperately crave to hear.” 

“I want people’s loving attention!” This voice screams. “I want people to feel sympathy for me … I want them to send me loving ‘get-well’ messages, etc. … but they aren’t doing that because I am too strong and empowered, handling all of this far too well.” 

God Drama To The Max 

It seems that I am in my God/separation drama, with the volume turned up to maximum intensity – yet I am not quite buying it. 

Yes, I do hurt all over – in a physical way. I am uncertain if the aching is from the scorpion stings or from just having been lying in bed so much. And then I am tired, hungry, and feeling very alone … 

“But it is all beautiful!” I exclaim proudly to myself. “I recognize that I am looping in emotional patterns that are powerfully teaching me profound things about myself – about my separation drama – about my inner war with God for having seemingly abandoned and separated from me.” 

Crazy Making 

“Let’s just wallow in the pain.” The voice counters. “You don’t want to get up and go to morning meditation today. It is too much trouble, and if you make yourself feel better, then who will love you? You need to remain miserable.” 

“Why can’t I just give myself a break?” I speak back to this inner ego voice. “What is this all about? Why do I do this to myself? It is making me feel crazy!” 

“You are not me!” I respond to this whining voice. “You are just pretending to me. You don’t even have my best interest at heart.” 

“Yes I am you!” The voice loudly insists. “I am your best friend.” 

The strength of this crazy-making voice is mind-boggling. 

Taking It Seriously 

“What an amazing opportunity to practice ‘know thyself’,” I ponder further. “This whole emotional scene is merely part of The Muppet Show – it is all part of the dream, the illusion.” 

Soon I park myself on the front row of the theater, playing the role of impartial observer, watching the inner debate as if it were taking place on a movie screen in front of me. 

“Why am I taking this inner struggle so seriously?” I sink even deeper into the mystery. “Why do I find it so easy to get lost in such nonsensical inner chatter?” 

Permission To Cry 

At 7:00 a.m., I find myself on Keith’s magical porch, eager to meditate. Before we start, I briefly explain my morning struggles – the bizarre emotional stage play pretending to be my reality. As I do so, suppressed emotions suddenly begin to surge and bubbling tears pool in the corners of my eyes. 

“This is obviously bigger than I thought.” I blurt out to Keith. “I think I have been underestimating the emotional intensity of what is going on inside. I may need tissues for meditation today.” 

“Well if you do, then that will be your meditation.” Keith lovingly replies, acknowledging that he has no problem if I bawl my eyes out during the next ninety minutes. 

A Loving Paradox 

Distractions counter me at every turn. Focusing on meditation this morning proves to be impossible. 

I desperately try to bring in the love of Higher Self, of little Sharon, and of the angels, etc…, but each attempt is accompanied by an overwhelming impulse to sob uncontrollably. I am shocked by the strength of these inner emotions – emotions under such intense pressure that the slightest loving validation will surely cause them to explode like a volcano. 

“But I don’t want to turn meditation into a tear-fest.” I tell myself as I inexplicably reject the divine love and stuff the pain back down. 

The very love that I crave – the true unconditional love from Source – the love that will set me free – is the very love I will not allow myself to receive. Somehow I feel undeserving of such love. 

Ego voices, cleverly masquerading as me, continue to push and pull in every direction. Finally, I give up even pretending to meditate. 

Laughing And Crying 

I loop through this crazy ego trip throughout the entire ninety-minute meditation – mostly keeping my eyes open.  

The observer in me remains fully aware that I am looping in ego – stuck in my God/separation drama – completely overwhelmed and awe-struck by the power that ego is wielding over me and my emotional state. 

After what feels like a completely wasted meditation, I share my bizarre emotional journey with Keith. As I do so, I am both laughing and crying at the same time. 

Time To Celebrate 

“What do I do about this?” I beg Keith for answers. “I know I am looping in ego – and I am doing it big time. Do I simply continue to feel, observe, and learn – remaining in this ‘Know thyself’ process?” 

“You could be celebrating too!” Keith congratulates me. “This is powerful stuff when you are able to learn how much hold that ego has over you.” 

Heartfelt Feedback 

What happens next is completely unexpected. Keith provides beautiful and unsolicited feedback – desperately craved feedback that comforts my troubled soul. 

He comments on how he has observed me connect with others on the porch – and how I do it without dogma or formulas. 

“You do it from the heart, with a deep personal connection, based on real life experience.” Keith tells me. “And you are beautifully concise – saying exactly what someone needs to hear without rambling.” 

“You don’t get that kind of learning from a book,” Keith smiles. “At least I don’t.” 

“I don’t either.” I reply with deep gratitude. 

Recognizing The Moves 

“Give me a break.” I lovingly remind myself as I walk along the beautiful country road leading back toward San Marcos. “It is still not even twenty-four hours since my last scorpion sting. I deserve self-love … not self-hatred, self-deprecation or self-flogging.” 

“What I am going through right now is a powerful lesson into the games that ego plays.” I ponder on. 

“Ego doesn’t even have very many moves.” I reflect on words that Keith has often told me. “His repertoire of tricks is actually quite small and predictable. But when ego uses those tricks he does it will stealth and skill. My goal is all about learning to recognize those moves, and to take away their power.” 

Revolver 

Several times in the last few years, I had heard one of my favorite spiritual teachers, David Hoffmeister, briefly mention the movie “Revolver”, specifically talking about an elevator-scene near the end of the movie where the main character has a major showdown with ego. 

But I had never yet felt drawn to watch it – at least not until Keith mentioned last week that I might benefit from doing so. 

Last Saturday, May 14, I watched the movie for the first time. The movie was dark, violent, and extremely confusing to follow – but it was obvious to me that the movie contained intricately woven threads – threads I did not fully understand – threads exploring the unbelievable power of ego – threads of characters getting deeply lost in that illusion – and threads containing wisdom about the crazy games that ego plays. 

As I finished watching the movie I was indeed blessed by a deeper understanding of ego’s games – but I remained heavily confused by the difficult-to-follow plot, the identity of the characters, and the complex intricacies and interplay of storylines and events. 

“Surely that movie must be much deeper than I was able to grasp.” I pondered to myself. “One day I will watch it again … one day I will take the time to further explore the wisdom and hidden messages that are buried within.” 

Obsessed With Observing Ego 

“That day is today!” I tell myself after returning home from a morning meditation that leaves me mind-boggled by the unbelievable complexity of ego’s deceptive games. 

“But I’m not just going to watch the movie.” I tell myself firmly. “I’m going to take notes and dissect it line by line, absorbing every possible drop of hidden insight and wisdom. I want to really understand it – all of it. 

Obsessed would be an understatement. Constantly alternating between the play, pause, and rewind buttons, I literally pick this movie apart, writing down every statement that feels significant, taking notes on each character, their mannerisms, how they fit into the whole, etc… 

The movie is only an hour and forty-five minutes long, but I take over four and a half hours to get through it just one time. After that, as if once were not enough, I again go back to the beginning and watch it a second time from start to finish, this time without pauses. 

Revolver Ego Quotes 

I literally love the quotes that I write down from Revolver. Below I paraphrase a selection of my favorites, following which I add a few of my own insights. This whirlwind summary of many of my favorite concepts barely scratches the surface of this very deep and complicated movie. 

“The bigger the trick … the older the trick … the easier it is to pull. People think that the trick can’t be that old, that it can’t be that big, for so many people to have fallen for it.”  

Yes, ego’s tricks are very big and very old – so big and old that we simply do not believe that we could be conned so easily. My experience is that the tricks ego plays on me are extremely simple, involving the same basic themes (doubt, judgment, fear of failure, etc) over and over – but I continue to fall for them when I am not paying attention. 

“Eventually when the opponent (ego) is challenged or questioned, it means the victim’s (our) investment, and thus his (our) intelligence, is questioned. No one can accept that, not even to themselves.” 

When I begin to deeply challenge the ego deceptions into which I have fallen throughout my life, I am the first to panic when I question the costs of uncovering and exposing the fraud. Admitting that what I have pursued for most of my life is not even the truth has caused me to hesitate many times in my journey – especially when I realize that most people around me still believe the lies, and will most likely think I am crazy. 

“You can’t see what is right in front of you …” 

Ego is so very clever at hiding in the most obvious of places. 

“You’ve heard that voice for so long, you believe it to be you … you believe it to be your best friend …. Where’s the best place an opponent (ego) should hide? In the very last place you would ever look…” 

I know this is absolutely true for me. I am profoundly learning that any voice in my head that does not embrace unconditional love and peaceful empowerment is actually ego, pretending to be me, pretending to be my best friend, hiding inside of my mind and masquerading as if it were me. 

“He (ego) is hiding behind your pain … embrace the pain and you will win this game.” 

Pain is resistance (as Keith often quotes), and with ever increasing frequency, I recognize that the source of my pain is ego attempting to prevent me from embracing something that will shine the light on his little games. 

“Wherever you don’t want to go is where you will find him (ego). What is it that you are afraid of …?” 

Fear is another huge indicator of ego’s presence. When I find myself accessing fearful emotion, I know that I am onto something big. Rather than running away, I now seek to embrace the fear, going deeper. 

“You know what’s so eloquent about this little game …? Nobody knows where the enemy is. They don’t even know he (ego) exists. He’s in every one of their heads, and they trust him … because they think they are him.” 

Yes, ego is the number one con-artist of all time … hiding inside of my mind … making me think that the constant chatter of doubts, fears, judgments etc… are really me, when in reality they all belong to ego, pretending to be me, putting these ideas into my head as a means of controlling me … of keeping me small and separate from Source. 

“The greatest con he (ego) ever pulled was making you believe that he is you.” 

And this is my favorite quote of the movie, one which I now repeat to myself on a frequent basis – reminding me that every one of the unloving voices in my head is merely ego, making me believe that he is me – but I am rapidly figuring out his tricks. 

I’m Onto You 

After spending over six hours watching Revolver, ego is telling me that I am exhausted, and that it is now nap time. 

“Sorry ego,” I smile to myself, “I am onto your little game. We’re going to meditate right now.” 

For the next fifteen minutes, ego pulls every familiar distraction-game in his book. With each one, I simply respond “I’m onto you.” 

When I eventually drift off to sleep on Saturday evening, I am delighted by the beautiful high-vibration energy and clarity after having achieved several hours of amazing and peaceful meditation. I really am beginning to actually enjoy this meditation stuff … 

A Staircase Up 

Again, on Sunday morning, I enjoy another distraction-free meditation while immersed in beautiful energy. 

Hours later, as the afternoon chocolate ceremony moves into a phase of individual subconscious work, Keith asks who would like some help. I immediately raise my hand. 

“I would like some help with this self-hate stuff – and with this ongoing pain in my solar plexus.” I express my desire. 

“Close your eyes and find a staircase leading up.” Keith begins to coach me. 

“Up?” I question with surprise. I have never heard Keith ever guide someone to find a staircase leading up. 

“Yes,” Keith continues, “climb the staircase and find a balcony. Go out and stand on the balcony and tell me what you see.” 

Ego Doubts 

Immediately, doubts and confusion begin to consume me as I am unable to visualize or feel anything that makes any sense whatsoever. 

“I feel as if there is a huge dry field of what used to be wheat or something, but now it is just straw.” I fill Keith in, feeling as if I am making this all up. “In the distance are mountains that also feel very dry … and there are some animals grazing at the far side of the field.” 

“Water the field.” Keith guides me. 

I try to envision the field receiving water, and it seems to green up a tiny bit – but then returns to feeling very dry and arid – almost lifeless. 

In the meantime, Keith moves on, leaving me alone – just me and those pesky little doubts. 

A Despised Desert 

“I am seriously doubting myself,” I suddenly recognize one of ego’s tricks – a trick that seems to have such power over me. 

“I know that I can do this.” I confidently reassure myself. “I have done this type of meditation so many times before – always with beautiful results – and I will do it again.” 

Suddenly, with doubts exposed and out of the way, I begin to receive great clarity. 

“That field of straw represents my solar plexus as seen from my heart.” The intuitions flood my mind. “I see it as dry, parched, and very undesirable.” 

“When I attempt to send loving emotional waters,” I further ponder, “the field just withers, remaining dry and dead. That love is being rejected.” 

As I meditatively send more love, I begin to experience huge inner resistance. Sharp physical pains manifest both in my solar plexus and in my heart. Without logical reason, I suddenly begin to experience a strong sense of hatred toward that field of straw – toward my own solar plexus. 

“It is ugly, dry, parched, and dead.” I think to myself with bitterness. “And I don’t want it inside of me.” 

Cunning And Convincing 

“Help Keith,” I interrupt at an appropriate time. “I don’t have a clue where to go from here.” 

“Bring the solar plexus energy up to your heart.” Keith gives me obvious advice. 

As I begin to coax the energy to rise, I sense a small gradual flow leaving my solar plexus and rising toward my heart. Almost immediately I experience a very strong pain right at the exact center of my heart chakra. Suddenly the pain in my solar plexus grows even stronger. 

Again I am very stuck, completely doubting my ability to proceed alone. Mental chatter consumes me as distractions all around attempt to pull me in every direction but here. 

“These distractions and doubts are all ego – a very terrified ego.” I immediately recognize. “They are attempting to scam me, telling me that I can’t do this and that I will fail.” 

Yes, I am fully aware of ego’s ongoing games, but to my dismay I continue to struggle, unable to pull myself free of these cunning and very convincing tricks. 

Watch And Learn 

“Go sit in a lawn chair.” Keith guides me when I again beg for assistance. “Sit down and observe yourself. Invite ego, the distractions and the fears, to all sit with you as you simply lean back and watch while Higher-Self does what it needs to do with the energy between your heart and solar plexus. 

For nearly twenty minutes, I sit patiently in that metaphorical lawn chair, doing nothing but watch and observe, trusting that Higher Self can surely negotiate the necessary energy truce between heart and abdomen – doing so without my intervention. I find it quite hard to simply sit without doing anything to assist. 

Suddenly I recognize that the purpose of this entire metaphor is to get my head and rational mind out of the way – to put me on the sidelines as an observer rather than out in the middle where I would just get in the way and make a mess. 

“My rational mind really hasn’t got a clue on this one.” I begin to clearly understand. “This is one of those times where I just need to watch and learn.” 

Bladder Bellyache 

Once I recognize what is really going on, I switch to one of my new favorite metaphors – one which my heart tells me will be more effective in this moment. 

I jump up out of my metaphorical lawn chair and plop myself down in a front row seat of my private movie theater. I will simply watch the show as Higher Self runs the projector. Seconds later, little Sharon is sitting in the seat next to me, holding my hand. Soon, we are joined in the audience by ego, distraction, and fear. 

I simply sit back on my reclining theater seat, eating popcorn, sipping on a cola, and watching the show. 

I am surprised by how the pains in my heart and solar plexus suddenly intensify. I keep watching the fascinating movie, clueless as to where this unpredictable plot might lead. As I watch, the pains ebb and flow, moving here and there, as do the feelings of intense resistance. 

Finally, after about thirty minutes of enjoyable theatrics, I experience an intensely sharp pain at the extreme bottom of the second chakra – along both sides of the lower rim of my pelvic region. I intuitively recognize the pain on the left side as pertaining directly to my bladder. 

Repressed Hatred Redirected 

At precisely the same instant, another woman on the porch begins to experience her own intense journey with heart pain and second chakra pain. As she progresses into her process, her inner work triggers me greatly, causing me to access deeply suppressed pools of emotional release. The pain I experience is excruciating, bringing up intense tears on my part. 

Recognizing that in the past I have successfully used my energetic will power to “pull” emotional densities from the second chakra “out by the root” – I spend ten minutes engaging in great painful struggle, attempting to do this again. But when the densities do not budge, I begin to connect more deeply with my intuitions. 

“I used to wet the bed all the way up until around age eight or nine,” I confess to Keith (and to the whole porch). “This intense self hatred caused me to do everything in my power to shut down the energy flow in my lower chakras.” 

“With that hatred, I also tried to shut down the energy in my bladder region.” I suddenly blurt out. “I believe that bedwetting, at least for me, was a subconscious attempt to rebel against the shutdown of those second-chakra energies – to express my anger at being repressed – expressing such anger in an indirect way so as not to get in trouble.” 

“Now I understand that my ongoing bladder issues – issues that began to manifest in my early thirties – are related to the self hatred that remains directly aimed at these lower chakra energies.” 

Please Show Me

 “Keith,” I beg for further guidance, “Do I need to pull this density out of my second chakra, or is it best at this point to simply observe and learn?” 

“Just observe and learn.” Keith responds with confidence. 

I again back off in all attempts to push or pull, and simply lean back in my theater seat, resolving to resume passive observation of the process rather than actively trying to fix a problem. Logical mind remains clueless. 

“Higher Self,” I silently beg, “Please show me on the movie screen what it is that I need to know.” 

I Hate You 

To my shock and surprise, I suddenly experience the sensation of me as a tiny child, lying in my bed with my mother sitting beside me. 

“I hate you.” I feel the words bombarding my tiny body. 

“But this NEVER happened.” I exclaim to Keith as I tell him what I just meditatively experienced. “My parents loved me. They wouldn’t say that – they never told me that they hated me.” 

Then, with profound intuitive awareness, I suddenly know that the words I felt bombarding my tiny body were not verbal words spoken by my mother. They were my own thoughts – thoughts raging inside of my own tiny and innocent mind. 

“It was me, telling myself ‘I hate you’.” I ponder with shock. 

Wanting To Be Invisible 

“I am a freak … I don’t fit in … I am not normal … Why can’t I just be like everyone else? … I hate me … I hate me … I hate me.” 

“I literally hated myself at that tender age.” I ponder with increasing clarity. 

Deep emotion suddenly consumes me as tears begin to flow up and out. When the emotional release settles, I share with Keith what I have discovered – what my heart clearly knows to be true. 

“I hated myself profusely at a very young age.” I tell Keith with surprise. “I believed myself to be defective and disgusting. I was an insecure misfit, wishing I could just be like everyone else.” 

“On the one hand, I was shut down and forced to be a citizen against my own will.” I share with new insight. “But on the other hand, I wanted to be a citizen; I didn’t want to be different; I hated myself so much for being different that I just wanted to disappear and blend into the cultural and religious framework, becoming invisible so that no one would notice me.” 

Mont’s Metaphor Revisited 

I share with the group about my friend Mont’s scorpion metaphor – about how it has guided my process today – of how I am uncovering very sneaky emotional issues that evasively hide in the shadows. 

“But I had no idea that I hated myself at such a young age.” I exclaim to Keith. 

Beautiful Diversion 

The remainder of ceremony is unexpectedly diverted when a distraught woman shows up on the porch, desperately needing Keith’s intuitive guidance. Several of us remain to assist and support. 

Late that evening, as I finally return home, vibrating in a high energy of unconditional self-love, I feel nothing but profound gratitude for the way things worked out. 

I realize that this deep childhood self-hatred remains to be addressed on another day, but the Universe has brought me temporary closure – a beautiful experience of helping another – an experience that once again leaves me filled me with deep loving energy. 

Unlovable 

After a long night with only about two hours of sleep, I again wake up shortly after 6:00 a.m., with ego voices attempting to convince me that I am too exhausted, too tired, to meditate this morning. After a few minutes of debate, I suddenly exclaim “I’m onto you ego.” There is no question … I will be on Keith’s porch at 7:00 a.m.. 

I feel a beautiful energy, but the meditation does not turn powerful until the final half hour – a period when I begin to send love to my little boy – that tiny young child who hated himself so very much at such a tender age. 

To my shock, as I attempt to send love to this beautiful little boy, my heart rebels with a feeling of disgusting repulsion, refusing to send love to this beautiful child. 

“This is bizarre.” I ponder in shock. “It makes absolutely no sense at all, but I feel disgusted by that little boy. But he was so cute and loveable, wasn’t he?” 

Family Feud 

Switching gears, I attempt to bring more solar plexus energy up into my heart chakra. Again, the effort is blocked by sharp pains and heavy fearful resistance. 

“This is our enemy.” I feel my heart ranting. “We don’t want his kind here with us.” 

“These two chakras seem to be bitter enemies.” I ponder with shock. “It is like extremist Jews and Muslims, literally hating each other – a feud based on profound centuries-old hatred – hatred having deep and bitter roots.” 

My rational mind is totally baffled. This is not logical, even quite silly … yet there is no doubt that this feud is indeed real and intense. 

Getting To Know You 

“Keith,” I beg for answers at the end of meditation. “How can one part of me hate the other so viciously?” 

“These are the patterns of our life.” Keith points out. “What we play out in the world with relationships and God/separation drama is really inside of us. It is our inability to love and trust between parts of our own selves.” 

“Did you go through this same process?” I ask curiously. 

“Not like yours,” Keith responds vaguely, “it was different … but this is your own process, not mine. Just trust your flow.” 

“What do I do?” I beg for clues. “How do I join these parts of me together in love?” 

“You are already doing that now,” Keith responds. “You do it by understanding and getting to know all of the players.” 

“How long can this take?” I ask Keith, already knowing how he will answer. 

“As long as it takes,” Keith responds with a smile, not about to give the answer that my head wants to hear.

Three Players 

As I engage Keith in further discussion, he explains to me that there are three players involved: the perpetrator, the victim, and the rescuer. In this case my heart is the perpetrator, the one refusing to extend love. My solar plexus is the victim, representing that young child against whom I carry so much hatred. And finally, the rescuer is me, the conscious observer attempting to intervene and solve the problem. 

“It is not complete until they all sit down together.” Keith further teaches me. “The hater, the hated, and the consciousness all need to come together in love.” 

“Am I scamming myself?” I begin to doubt. “Is this real or am I just making all of this drama up as a distraction from something bigger.” 

“My guidance is that this is all real.” Keith responds with love. “All of this is your inner teacher, bringing you a powerful lesson.” 

As I stroll home around 9:00 a.m., the scorpion sting on my left leg is still itching profusely, while red blotches continue to cover the skin for a circle several inches in diameter. 

My intense scorpion saga still dominates my consciousness as I return to writing after a six day sabbatical. One-hundred percent of my writing today will be spent in integrating the profound lessons of that saga – lessons that include insightful realizations regarding the self-hatred being uncovered in my body. 

An Impatient Fixer 

It is Tuesday morning, May 24, when I next resume attempts at bringing the warring factions together for a chat in the conference room. 

I focus intense meditative effort on coaxing my heart to extend love, even a tiny bit, to my solar plexus. 

“It is time to bury the hatchet.” I tell the heart and solar plexus. “It is time to end this silly feud. We are all in this together. It is a time to learn how to trust and to share energy.” 

In retrospect, I now recognize that these two feuding parties must have seen me as an impatient and clueless fixer – trying to solve a problem without taking the time to first understand the depths of the pain as felt by both opposing parties. 

Tree Of Life Symbolisms 

In further pondering, I recognize the heart as representing feminine energy – an energy that has strongly rejected what she sees as unbridled masculine power – the power and will of the solar plexus. For some reason, my little boy child – a child filled with self-hatred – is also living in the solar plexus, lumped in with this other mistrusted masculine beast. 

A feeling rages in my heart – a feeling ranting on about that ugly masculine energy that is absolutely not to be trusted. That despicable energy is like a bull-in-a-china-closet – like an evil warrior gone wild, having no sensitivity or caring side whatsoever. My beautiful loving heart wants absolutely nothing to do with this horrible masculine stereotype – a stereotype that the heart seems to firmly believe. 

Yes, the energy playing out metaphorically inside of me is the love-hate relationship between heart and power, between feminine and masculine, between the beloved and the destroyer. 

It is in the midst of this deep meditation that I suddenly and intuitively recognize the metaphorical connections with the Kabbalah and Tree of Life – a story documented in Synchronous Scorpion Symbolisms. 

Those Subtle Games 

As I retire on Tuesday evening, I remain deeply confused by the ongoing and unresolved family feud that rages in my body. Why my heart would hate my solar plexus makes no sense whatsoever to logic or rational mind – yet in some strange way, it actually does. 

Much remains to be understood and released before negotiation of a loving family truce can be accomplished – but optimism for a happy ending remains extremely high. 

The journey to get to this point has been long and arduous. In many ways I owe the profound insights of this journey to a homeless little scorpion – one who now lives out in the rainy wild, somewhere down the road past Keith’s house. 

To my amazement, this journey with stinging self-hatred has been sandwiched right into the middle of a simultaneous journey into deeply understanding the subtle games of ego. 

Without a forced pause in writing – a pause created by the scorpion stings – I might never have taken the time to thoroughly immerse myself into further exploring the nuances of ego. Who would have thought that the little naysayer-voice in my head is not even me – it is simply ego masquerading as me. 

Yes, in a very beautiful way, I have a homeless little scorpion to thank for profound understanding about the games that ego plays – understanding that is now assisting me in the process of replacing an ancient self-hatred with beautiful unconditional love. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Over the last few days, a new crop of red and extremely itchy bites have been showing up here and there on my body. I have a theory – I believe it is fleas – but I have so far been unable to prove what I already know. Yes, I have twice pulled up my pant leg to see something tiny and brown quickly leap away from my skin – and twice a strong intuition whispered that what I momentarily glimpsed was a flea. 

Squeaky The Healer Cat 

Keith has a beautiful cat – a cat named Squeaky. Years ago this beautiful black and white cat showed up on his porch, asking for a home. Since then she has proven to be a valuable asset to Keith’s porch – not just because she controls the population of local Guatemalan raton’s (indigenous rats) – but because she is also a healer cat. At some of the most beautiful moments, I have watched Squeaky jump up on someone and begin to use her paws to massage them in a specific chakra – always exactly where they need it. 

Keith jokes while confessing that at first he hated the name “Squeaky” – that he absolutely refused to give such a name to his beautiful little healer cat – but due to the fact that she literally squeaks and talks about everything, Keith finally gave in to the obvious. 

It seems that beautiful little Squeaky has a case of fleas – and I believe that I am bringing a few of them home with me after morning meditations. (Note – as of this writing Squeaky is now happily flea-free.) 

Creating My Bites 

Yet I also recognize that I am creating this reality – and that my ongoing journey with occasional body itches has been quite profound – always bringing some type of spiritual message when I have been willing to admit it. 

“Surely these bites are trying to tell me something.” I ponder with curiosity. 

When I look closely at the patterns, I am astounded. I have bites all around my waist, bites on the outside of each arm between the elbow and wrist, and bites on the shins, between knee and ankle, also on the outside areas. There are no bites anywhere else. 

“Are these bites telling me that it is time to increase my energy sensitivities in these areas?” I ponder with insight. “Surely I am being told that I need to relax more and feel the tingly itching of divine energy waking up in these areas – all areas of major blockages in my body.” 

A Moroni Energy Meld 

During morning meditation on Saturday, May 14, I again have a long chat with all of the energy players in my body – showing them a movie of our healing journey together – asking them to rally around me and to get on board with what we as a collective body are doing – asking them to please assist me by letting go of their old jobs that no longer serve us – asking them to be more open and to take on new roles that will further release past self-hatred and allow in more self-love. 

I spend the entire day writing a blog entry titled “A Journey With Doubt” – a piece of writing that greatly triggered additional healing – reminding me that Keith had asked me to blend energies with a Mormon angel from my past (the real unconditionally loving angel Moroni). 

As I lie in bed on Saturday night, a very powerful meditation experience overwhelms me – a beautiful experience in sharing energy with this new higher dimension friend. 

A Scorpion Saga 

I will not give full details here, because I am now entering a tricky part of my writing. On May 23^rd I wrote a blog titled “A Scorpion Saga” – a beautiful piece of writing that pulled in a framework of background events that began with this energy melding experience – a piece of writing that completely overlaps the additional details that I wish to write about today. 

It may be beneficial for anyone wanting to fully understand the bigger picture, to go back and reread that blog posting before proceeding with this one – but I will attempt to pull in the key points of both. 

Energy Opening 

Sunday Morning, May 15, I again find new flea bites on my body – all very itchy – all very tightly coordinated to the same energetically blocked areas of my body. Again, I ponder the message that the Universe is attempting to convey. I intuitively know, without any doubt, that these unwanted itchy annoyances are actually a gift – one that I am attempting to reject – one that it is now time to embrace with giggles. 

The morning meditation on Keith’s porch is nice, filled with energy and feelings of pure unconditional love. I focus heavily on relaxing my forearms, my calves, and my waist. I intuitively know I am correct – that these areas are key to opening up the energy flow to my hands, my feet, and between the lower chakras and my heart. 

Waiting To Flow 

As the Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway, I again begin to experience considerable pain – this time lower in the second chakra, below the belly button. As group proceeds, the pain only intensifies with meditation. 

“I feel like there is a large dam in my upper solar plexus,” I tell Keith when he stops by to check on me. “It is built with big rocks piled on top of each other. A huge pool of water has collected behind the dam, completely drowning and clogging the lower chakras. This emotional water desperately desires to flow onward.” 

“And it is extremely painful!” I add as tears bubble in the corners of my eyes. 

I have often experienced this wall between heart and solar plexus through many different metaphors. This new one gives me a beautiful and creative way to envision the energy of my lower chakras as being bottled up, patiently waiting for the opportunity to flow into my heart. 

Tear Down That Wall 

Working alone, but not really alone, I engage Sharon and my Higher Self in assisting me. Sharon begins the process by picking up a smaller rock. She first hugs it to her chest and then waves her magic wand. The rock immediately transmutes into bright white light while a tiny stream of the water begins to flow through the spot from where the rock was removed. Sharon repeats this process over and over, gradually opening up a slightly larger flow of pooled emotional density. 

Soon, under Higher Self’s direction, I have an entire crew of giggling angels removing larger stones from this thick earthen dam. One by one, the angels hug and transmute each big rock into light, gradually reducing the height of the dam from top down, a small layer at a time. With each row of rocks that is removed, additional emotional waters flow on to their higher destination. 

With the help of these metaphorical angels, the process speeds up considerably. Eventually, after perhaps an hour of focused meditation, I intuitively know that this particular rock wall is now gone – that the reservoir of trapped emotional density is now dry and released – but a tiny bit of pain continues to remain in my abdomen. 

“Nope,” I think to myself as I ponder the small pain, “I am not done yet. There must be more layers yet to uncover.” 

Giving Is Receiving 

Later, as Keith returns to check on me, I express my confusion about he fact that no additional emotional work seems to be coming up for me today. 

“I feel a slight energetic pull to go work with those two men across the porch.” I confess with hesitation. 

“Well, what are you waiting for then?” Keith gently chides me. “Go do it.” 

It has been a long time since I shared energy on the porch. I have been so immersed in my own intense healing journey that I have not felt capable of giving a great deal to others. 

Soon, with the two men’s permission, I sit on a cushion in front of them, opting to channel energy with my hands – one hand touching each of them. 

As I focus on allowing this divine light energy to flow through me and out of my hands, I simultaneously place great focus on first filling my own heart with this overflowing energy, bringing it in from above. 

It seems that when I focus greatly on sharing energy with others, I am the recipient of the most blessings. Almost immediately, all remaining pain in my abdomen disappears completely. My entire body is energized and vibrating with light. 

After a while, when intuition tells me that I am done, I return to my seat, resuming my post as observer. As I do so, I ponder one of my favorite “A Course In Miracles” concepts – a concept lovingly stating that “Giving is receiving.” 

Magical Eyes 

Feeling especially magical today, I focus on expanding that sensation. In meditation, I gather myself inside the walls of my magical theme park, and then concentrate on expanding the boundaries of that mystical playground – expanding them to include every square inch of Keith’s porch. 

I begin to send a constant flow of bright unconditional love directed toward everyone on the porch. As I do so, I scan the group with my eyes. One young man seems especially willing to share in my glow. We lock gazes, unflinchingly staring into each others eyes for a very long time – perhaps for as long as a half hour. 

I love the magical energy that flows through my eyes. 

Love Equals Garbage 

As Keith begins to guide the group in an impromptu empath training, I switch back to participation mode. 

As he talks to those in the group who seem to have a habit of being human emotional sponges – actual human garbage dumps for the emotional densities of others – Keith says something that I have heard him share countless times before. 

“You believe that the only way you can be loved by someone is if you eat their garbage.” Keith guides the empaths. “When you are in a relationship, and you don’t eat their garbage, you will definitely not be loved.” 

Suddenly I begin to think about my divorce of over fourteen years ago. 

Coming from a place of horrendous self-induced guilt, I believed that it was my duty to sacrifice everything – to do everything in my power to shelter those I love from having to suffer. I believed that by doing this I might be able to win the love and forgiveness that I desperately craved. 

I did my best to remain the humble victim of everyone else’s pain and hurt – both physically and emotionally – trying to prevent them from having to hurt at all – trying to keep them comfortable and living as close to their old lifestyle as possible. 

Yes, in a desperate endeavor to love and be loved, I honestly attempted to be the garbage dump for everyone else’s pain. During that period I happily and willingly consumed a great deal of horribly painful poison. 

An Open Landfill 

Gradually letting go of this horrible guilt – releasing the need to sacrifice myself in the name of love – has been extremely slow and difficult. Even now I sometimes wrestle with the concept – occasionally feeling guilty that my path is not one of continuing to lie down on the ground as a doormat, while opening up my heart as an available landfill for others. 

 “Why is there so much fear regarding the potential emotions of others?” I ponder with confusion. “Why do I continue to feel guilty about having the most amazing spiritual time of my life?” 

Guilt About Freedom 

Part of me still insists that family will not love me if I don’t set my heart aside and live my life via the old rules – the same rules that family and some friends continue to follow. 

How I desperately long for freedom from this pesky little belief pattern called guilt – and how I long for freedom from the guilt about allowing myself to have that freedom. 

What a tangled web I weave. 

A Homework Assignment 

Keith soon guides me to envision everyone in my life about whom I continue to carry a measurable amount of guilt. 

“Combine these people into one single conglomerate of energy.” Keith suggests. “Sit down with this guilt-inducing energy in your internal conference room and have a long discussion. Lovingly remind them that it is not your responsibility to fix, to rescue, or to save them from their own growth processes – growth that they themselves have chosen (before this lifetime) as part of their own life path.” 

“I will do that as homework.” I tell Keith, realizing that the ceremony is nearly complete. 

Incomplete Homework 

But as the ceremony drags on, I briefly close my eyes and enter that meditative conference room with great hesitation. Immediately, profound anxiety and panic consume my soul. As I sit down in that conference room, I am terrified and quickly abandon the meeting, vowing to return later when I have more time and emotional clarity. 

“I am definitely close to something profound.” I ponder while still feeling the intense fear. “It appears that a large part of me continues to believe that eating the emotional garbage of others remains to be the only way that I will be loved.” 

“Connect with their Higher-Self essences, without their earth personalities.” Keith advises me as I leave his porch. 

It seems that even now – as I write about this ceremony more than four weeks after the fact – that I have never returned to that forbidden conference room to meet with this energy. 

Perhaps it is time to take my homework a little more seriously. 

Energy Cobwebs 

Later Sunday evening, in deep meditation, I again focus on connecting and blending with the essence of the angel Moroni. As with last night, I experience a powerful flow of delightful and pleasurable energy – an energy that feels as if it is physically moving things around in the back of my third chakra. 

“Could this energy be assisting me in clearing out the cobwebs of my energy blocks?” I ponder to myself while drifting off to sleep. 

Bring It On 

Monday begins with a beautiful and peaceful meditation and goes out with a bang. After spending the entire day writing, I am just preparing to publish my post when a massive lightning and thunder storm consumes all of San Marcos. 

The power quickly flickers and goes off as lightning rages all around – bright streaks of intense light followed almost immediately by deafening thunder claps that powerfully shake my apartment. This is the most intense booming thunder and flashing lightening that I have experienced in a very long time. 

To my surprise and delight, the electricity unexpectedly returns around 8:30 p.m. – soon followed by an active wireless internet connection. I had not expected either to return until sometime tomorrow, as is often the case when power goes off during the night. 

Eagerly, I take advantage of the opportunity to finalize my posting for the day – a blog titled “Bring It On”. 

I giggle as I prepare to click on the publish button. 

“Do I dare?” I ask with a huge grin. “Do I really dare publish a blog saying ‘Bring it on’ after such an amazing and electrifying display of energy and power by the Universe?” 

More Missing Homework 

On Tuesday I discover another homework assignment that I have unknowingly neglected. As I write passionately about “In Clock We Trust”, I sink deep into memories of having discovered a metaphorical room in my abdomen – a room filled with disgusting human waste – a room that I later recognize as being my inner temple – a temple that continues to be clogged with this thick, brown waste, even now. 

Gratitude swells in my heart at the fact that my writing is again reminding me of unfinished business – reminding me of profound inner work that remains to be addressed. The topic of this forgotten temple consumes my evening meditations. 

Finding The Flea 

While writing on Tuesday morning, I feel something itching and moving. Carefully I lift up the fabric of my comfy exercise pants. With great dexterity I quickly wrap my fingertips around a very large flea. Feeling no guilt about pinching the little itch-monger, I quickly tape it to a piece of paper. 

“Aha,” I congratulate myself. “I can now prove to Keith that I am not crazy.” 

To my surprise, this is the last flea bite I receive – whether in my apartment or on Keith’s porch. Even four weeks later, not a single flea has jumped or crawled into my life. 

It seems that there was only one – and that the little hopping vampire has now served his divine purpose. The message has been delivered and I am faithfully focusing on feeling more tickling and itching energy sensitivity in my skin. 

Who could have ever predicted that this single lonesome flea would be preparing me for even larger stinging messages to come? 

Roller Coaster To Insight 

On Wednesday, during experiences fully documented by the blog “A Scorpion Saga”, I suddenly realize that this mysterious inner temple is none-other than my body itself – and that the human waste that continues to smear the temple walls is layer after layer of my own forgotten self-hatred – putrid emotion that has gradually settled in a physical way all over my body. 

Yes, this day of wild emotional turns and shifts brings with it thunderous steep drops of powerful emotional release, awe-inspiring climbs back to new emotional insight, and frequent sharp turns that bring unexpected growth and energy. 

It seems that I am indeed riding on an exciting roller coaster – one that is taking me blindly-but-surely on the adventure of a lifetime – one that is taking me to great clarity and increased energy flow that I never before dreamed possible. 

I choose to unbuckle the safety harness, to stand up in the car, to wave my hands in the air, and to giggle with delight. 

The Pain Is Self-Hatred 

Thursday turns into another wild ride – beginning with profound and tearful meditative insights about self-hatred, a pain-inducing whirlwind boat ride to Panajachel, a skinned elbow on a hammock, a skipped lunch, and an early afternoon desperate attempt to hide by taking a nap. 

Rather than collapsing into ego, however, I end up embracing what turns into one of the most amazing meditation experiences of my life – four and a half hours of energy bliss – an experience in which I profoundly and experientially grasp the now-undeniable concept that the pains in my spine, and all over my body, are none other than forgotten emotional deposits of self-hatred.  

It seems that the fleeting flea bites have been an integral stimulus leading up to this powerful meditation – causing me to further relax and to focus deeply on the intricate sensitivities of my skin. 

As I rest on my pillow, early on Thursday evening, my entire body continues to dance in the delightful vibrations of powerful higher energy. Soon, this playground of mystical magic carries me off to dreamland.  

Scorpion Stings 

At 11:30 p.m., after several hours of peaceful and restful sleep, I wake up with a start, sensing something crawling on my left shoulder. Just a fraction of a second later, two painful scorpion stings burn like fire – one on my left shoulder, and one on the back of my right arm, just above the elbow. 

“Wow! This hurts like heck.” I think to myself. “But something really big and powerful is also happening. “ 

Somehow, after a few hours of heart-thumping excitement, I manage to get an additional two hours of desperately needed sleep before local school youth turn on the loud music at 4:00 a.m., practicing their drill-team routine in the basketball court. 

Spiritual Metaphors 

Friday morning, after another round of positive attitude and powerful meditative experience, I am again on my bed. This time it is precisely 11:30 a.m. when I stretch out my legs with the intention of further sinking into the relaxing glow of energy-rich meditation. 

That third scorpion sting jabs like fire into the back of my left thigh. I begin to half-cry and half-giggle. The pain has already been inflicted so there is no point in dwelling on that fact. Instead, I begin to piece together the powerful spiritual metaphors. 

Mont’s Metaphor 

The first beautiful metaphor comes from my friend Mont – an amazing crystal healer in Salt Lake City. Shortly before 9:00 a.m., just this very morning, he had sent me the following message: 

Wow! That is an interesting experience to be sure! I’m getting that your ‘visitor’ is showing you an emotional, elusive pain that leaves a physical mark. Something you are going to ‘dig deep’ to find. But once you do, it will be painfully obvious and easily removed. Look for a hard shell (defense) pinchers (grasp/hold) multiple legs (to evade) and a stinger (to get attention). Sounds like a fun session! Here’s a hint: in your session, become one with the scorpion and look at your history together from his/her perspective. 

It is while I further meditate about Mont’s inspired words that I receive the third and final sting at 11:30 a.m. – deeply reinforcing the two-sting message from last night. 

Mont’s metaphor is powerful, profoundly reminding me of the elusive emotion of self-hatred that has been leaving a physical mark in my body. Yes indeed, I have had to dig extremely deep to uncover this hidden hatred, it has been undeniably defensive, holding on for its life, desperately attempting to evade discovery, and constantly stinging me throughout my body through real physical pain. 

Four weeks later, while writing about this, I recognize another added piece of unfinished homework. Very soon I will sit down in a conference room with this metaphorical energy called self-hatred, exploring this real energy as experienced through its own perspective. The exercise sounds quite fascinating. 

Mystical Kabbalah Metaphors 

A few days later, during another morning meditation on Keith’s porch, a new metaphor powerful presents itself in my intuitive mind. 

“These scorpion stings are highly symbolic when merged into the Tree Of Life of the Mystical Kabbalah.” I suddenly ponder with delight. 

When seen through a microcosmic (in the body) viewpoint, the Sephirah (sphere) called Chesed symbolically represents the left arm. Chesed represents the energy of a loving and benevolent king – the more feminine energy of a king who cares for his people and lovingly meets their needs. The Sephirah called Geburah symbolically represents the right arm, representing the more masculine destroyer energy – the energy of taking away that which no longer serves. The Sephirah called Netzach, symbolic of the left hip and leg, represents the feminine Venus energy of sexuality and creativity. 

Even more profound in this realization is what comes next. There are twenty-two paths that join the ten Sephiroth (spheres) of the Kabbalah together. In the mystical version of Kabbalah, each of these paths relates one-for-one with the twenty-two major arcana cards of the Tarot deck. Most people traditionally lay out these cards in top-down fashion on the Kabbalah Tree Of Life – but through my own meditations and inner guidance, I place them in a quite different order. 

It is my firm belief that the “Death” card of the Tarot deck represents the path between Chesed and Geburah – between the left and right arms. In fact the artwork on the Rider-Wait version of this card clearly shows a destroyer riding out to meet a loving king at the center of a battlefield. As Synchronicity would have it, the “Death” card is actually quite a positive card – a card of transformation and change – a card that to me signifies the death of the ego as I transform higher in my spiritual path. 

Yes, the “Death” card represents transformation and change – and you guessed it, one of the most common metaphors associated with a Scorpion is transformation and change. I giggle even more when I recognize that the path represented by this card is attempting to balance the masculine and feminine energies. As Chesed and Geburah unite and form balance, they give birth to the Sephirah Tiphareth – a sphere that represents the heart, unconditional love, and the Christ consciousness energy – a sphere that balances and completes the triangle of Chesed, Geburah and Tiphareth.  

I find it deeply synchronous that my third scorpion sting was on the leg that represents sexuality and creativity – the biggest ongoing topic of my transformation and change. 

Pyper’s Postulation 

Several days later, my dear friend Pyper and I are talking on Skype. 

“What do you suppose ‘11:30’ represents in numerology?” I pose the question to my profoundly intuitive friend.

It boggles my mind that all three stings occurred at exactly 11:30, with two at night and one in the morning. 

“Brenda,” Pyper responds, “I’m getting that it has something to do with your age – for example age eleven-and-a-half.” 

“What happened at that age?” Pyper asks curiously. 

“Wow,” I respond with goose bumps. “Age eleven-and-a-half I was just beginning my sixth-grade year in school.” 

It was during that summer vacation, and the first part of that year in school, when I began to struggle most deeply with my gender identity confusion. It was the exact age when I began to deeply hate myself. 

Return To Pain 

On that fateful Friday afternoon, just hours after my third scorpion sting, I remain deeply energized by the unfolding process of ongoing spiritual metaphors – but my physical body is exhausted and in painful shutdown/overload mode. 

Even though scorpion venom in Guatemala is not deadly, the three doses of nerve toxin profoundly interrupt my daily routine. This latest sting on my leg aches profusely, my lips and mouth are extra tingly, mild referred pains continue to manifest in my chest and abdomen, and the “brain high” from this much scorpion venom has me wired – flying high like a kite on steroids. 

I remain focused on the spiritual messages – but my body proclaims rudely: “Hell no, not only am I not writing today, I am not doing anything today!” 

After doing my best to communicate with folks back home using email and Facebook, I eventually collapse in my bed at shortly after 3:00 p.m. – remaining in bed for the remainder of the day. 

As dinnertime comes and goes, I barely muster the strength to make myself a peanut butter sandwich. 

An Ending World 

As I drift off to sleep on Friday night, I begin to ponder all of the predictions about the end of the world taking place tomorrow, May 21, 2011. Yes, tomorrow is the infamous day of Rapture. Had it not been for many humorous postings on Facebook, I would have never known. 

“Tomorrow may not be the physical end of the world,” I think to myself, “but it is definitely the end of the world as I know it.” 

Somehow, even though the analogy of the “Death” card has not yet imprinted itself in my consciousness, I intuitively recognize that the old-me has indeed died, and that a new-me is in the process of being reborn – a new-me profoundly blessed by the power of transformation and change. 

I love the synchronous messages of my three scorpion stings. 

“Hmmm,” I think to myself. “The number ‘three’ – now there is another beautiful symbol – the combination of the masculine father, the feminine mother, and the divine offspring – perfect balance and harmony in all things manifest. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved