Brenda's Bicycles

As my eyes open very early on Saturday morning, May 7, a familiar energy pulses in my spine. I sense that the energy is trying to tell me something – that it wants to flow like Kundalini – but many blockages in my back and neck again present familiar roadblocks. 

After an hour of meditation, I manage to get some of the energy rising, but much remains stuck, reminding me that I have considerable inner work left to do – inner work that will hopefully clear out the emotional densities that continue to clog my channels. 

The day is quite intense as I integrate while writing, emotionally revisiting the self hatred that lives in my lower chakras.

It seems that writing on a daily basis is every bit as intense as participating in daily chocolate ceremonies. While forming every paragraph, I regress into past emotions, taking things another level deeper as I further integrate and heal. 

“Wow,” I ponder while feeling slightly overwhelmed, “this ongoing writing marathon is going to be intense.” 

My Personal Stage Play 

On Sunday morning, I engage in a Skype conversation with a friend back home – a conversation that leaves me emotionally drained. It seems to be the perfect setup for the afternoon chocolate ceremony – a ceremony that finds me energetically lacking while experiencing the usual pains in my forehead and in my solar plexus. 

As often happens, I am clueless as to where to begin my inner journey – but I trust a pattern that has recently proved itself without fail. It seems that every ceremony is beautifully orchestrated for my needs. Every person on the porch, every emotion that anyone processes, every word that comes out of Keith’s mouth, no matter to whom it is spoken – everything that happens on that porch is part of my process. 

Recognizing this truth, I simply tune in to what is happening around me. 

A Stupid Failure 

“There is an energy above your head and to the left.” Keith tells me unexpectedly. “Can you identify it?” 

“Is it my mother?” I ask Keith, as I ponder the loving feeling that connects with me. 

“There is another energy above that.” Keith avoids answering my question, indicating that he is looking for something else. I lack confidence, being filled with confusion and deeply doubting myself.  

“My grandmother?” I respond feebly to Keith’s second attempt to get me to identify the perceived loving energy. 

I am deeply disconnected from source. 

“I am a stupid failure.” I think to myself. “I will never be able to do this work on my own. There is no way I can possibly get these types of answers by myself.” 

Let’s Get Real 

Keith quickly moves on, providing neither confirmation nor answer to his questions about the energy above me. I continue to drown in a sea of self-flogging doubt. 

Suddenly, as I flounder in murky waters, I recognize that I am swimming in ego, running around in a loop of God/separation drama, distracted, doubtful, a failure, not getting the help that I deserve, not trusting myself, confused, blah, blah, blah… 

“Let’s get real and move beyond this crap.” I tell myself. “I am tired of playing small. I know the truth, I know that my intuitions are powerful, and I know that the Universe is behind me.” 

I feel quite proud of myself for having successfully stopped ego in its tracks, yet again. 

Afraid Of Love 

“For the last week or two,” I think to myself, “I have felt as if something is sitting on my heart, restricting my energy, and squashing my ability to love.” 

“It is time to bring in the next level of love.” I ponder with determination. “It feels like the energy hovering above me is simply pure unconditional love that needs to be returned to my stifled heart.” 

As I begin to connect with the loving energy, asking it to merge with me, I feel as if I am literally attempting to force the process of pulling it down and into my heart. 

“It shouldn’t be this hard.” I ponder. “Why is there so much resistance?” 

I begin to focus deeply on my breathing. With each out-breath, I unexpectedly whimper, lightly crying and shaking as I experience twinges of deep painful emotion. 

“What is this strange emotion?” I ponder with confusion. “And where is it coming from? Is it fear? Is it doubt? Why would I be afraid of this love?” 

Comforting The Fear 

I seem to be deeply afraid of having more power in my weak heart. For much of the next hour, I waffle in and out of this panic as a long emotional parade dances its way through my consciousness. 

I want to discount the fear, to push it away and plow right through it – but then a deeper truth resonates in my heart. 

“This fear is like a scared puppy.” I realize with power. “The goal is not to blast this puppy with light cannons – instead I need to nurture the frightened little puppy, to hold it, to comfort it, to get to know it, to ask the puppy what it needs from me.” 

Reflected Processes 

While I sink deeply into self-observation, seeking to understand the source of my fears and resistance, I simultaneously begin to pay close attention to everything occurring around me. 

I begin to recognize a pattern that astounds me. Literally everything that takes place today is a review of where I have been in the last six months, taking me deeper into my own profound and synchronous journey. 

A friend that I will call Naomi engages in deep powerful work regarding childhood shutdown, accessing emotions of her own energetic suicide in a profoundly gut-wrenching way. I find it amazing to watch someone else do almost exactly what I did just eight short days ago. While observing this reflection of my life, I go another level deeper into my own pain – experiencing the anguish from an entirely new perspective. 

Then another woman on the porch launches into her own version of deep emotional processing with childhood shutdown. 

“Wow,” I ponder with amazement, “this issue of childhood shutdown is now showing up wherever I look – as if my own work is being reflected back to me for a clearer vantage point.” 

A Caged Little Girl 

Soon, Naomi discovers a little inner child that is caged in her heart. Immediately I reflect on my own initial encounter with Sharon – my precocious little three-year-old inner child (See blog: Sharonski). 

Naomi’s work parallels mine in profound ways. Just as with Sharon, Naomi’s little child refuses to come out of her cage, and just like me, Naomi tries to coax her child to come out, becoming quite frustrated when the little girl refuses to budge. 

“Don’t be a parent to her.” Keith urges Naomi. “Be her sister and ask her what she needs from you.” 

Naomi does not get it. She again tries to coax that frightened little girl out of her cage. Naomi is stuck in her process, unable to progress. 

I desperately want to jump into the mix, to share insights of my own beautiful journey with Sharon, telling Naomi of the profound growth through which I had been required to pass before little Sharon would trust me enough to open the door to her cage. I had been forced to humble myself – to realize that I was the oppressor – that I was the clueless adult now trying to put her into a different box, when in reality it was little Sharon who had a few things to teach me. 

But I keep my mouth shut, recognizing that Naomi’s lesson will be much more profound if she struggles with it herself, if she enters deeply into her own unique journey of self-discovery. 

As I watch Naomi’s struggle, I joyfully reminisce about the amazing journey I have had with my own little inner child – a six month adventure in which this precocious little energy-worker has taught me so many things about myself. 

Fleeting Peace Accord 

Then another woman on the porch enters into deep work with inner blocks between her lower chakras and her heart, struggling with the metaphorical relationship between these two parts of her self. 

Again I step back to observe my own ongoing journey as I futilely attempt to convince these two feuding energies in my body to reach some type of peace accord, to hold hands and to perhaps even hug. This woman’s work is a powerful mirror of where I continue to remain stuck. 

Building Trust 

Another woman begins to engage in performing extensive energy work on others, conveniently avoiding her own issues. I recall times in my path where I desperately wanted my own issues to be “over and done with”, longing to simply be a healer and to share that healing with others. 

I laugh at myself as I now recognize how much I still have to learn – yet I also realize that those early stages of sharing energy were a profound process of building trust with myself, and with my intuitive abilities – trust that has gradually allowed me to access the courage to go much deeper into discovery of my own buried emotional treasures. 

“Wow,” I ponder with clarity, “Everyone is exactly where they need to be, doing exactly what they need to be doing right now. Had I not gone through that process I would never have understood. 

Observing Without Projection 

I then observe as one woman deeply analyzes with her rational mind, struggling to understand a concept before she will allow herself to embrace it. Another beautiful man on the porch is completely stuck, shutdown, and unable to feel anything. 

Rather than sinking into old patterns of self-righteous judgment, I see every beautiful person on the porch as my mirror, as someone who profoundly reflects me – reminding me of where I have been, or showing me where I am going, or perhaps even doing both at the same time. I see it all as perfect, with each person reminding me to unconditionally love “what is”, with no attachments and no judgments – simply recognizing that everything is part of the journey, and that we each have our own unique path to follow. 

Yes, today on the porch is providing powerful insight on how to understand and assist others in their process without disempowering them, without using my own projections to invalidate where they themselves are at. 

Delicious Buffet 

To my surprise and delight, I simply observe an amazing episode of the “Brenda Larsen – This is your journey” show. In this unusually long ceremony – lasting nearly eight hours – Keith periodically checks in with me, simply giving me a glowing report, indicating that he is following my energy and that I am doing wonderfully. 

Gratitude swells in my heart as I walk home. I realize that in the process of simply watching and integrating this movie of my life, I have unknowingly integrated the energy of love – the same one that Keith had attempted to get me to recognize at the start of the ceremony. 

I was personally guided by every word leaving Keith’s mouth today – no matter who was the intended recipient. 

In the process of integrating a huge variety of issues, I shed many tears of my own while sending powerful love to others, moving emotional densities as an empath, and feeling the actual emotional pains of others resonating inside my own body. 

Yes, today presented me with a delicious buffet meal – tasty delights to further nourish understanding, compassion, and love. 

A Revealing Realization

After spending a beautiful Monday while writing with my heart, I find myself struggling to resume my writing on Tuesday. The issues about which I have been writing are deep. With every paragraph I immerse myself into the intense process of emotional integration, literally reliving the experiences from Keith’s porch for a second time. With great effort and determination, I write on, shedding new tears, healing and integrating at ever deepening levels. Somehow I find the strength and courage to continue what is proving to be a difficult process. 

On the light side, I love the morning meditations. I am really learning to enjoy sitting in absolute silence for ninety minutes – a time in which peaceful energy vibrations continue to expand and delight me. 

On Tuesday morning I experience frequent bouts of feeling light-headed and dizzy – dazzling experiences caused by the powerful energies that frequently begin to flow. 

During these last two meditations, a strong observation has begun to firmly implant itself in my radar. 

“I still clench my forehead and eyebrows.” Inner recognition blurts out. “And I do it almost constantly.” 

This realization deeply surprises me because I thought I had kicked the habit long ago. 

Puzzling Ponderings 

Eye and forehead clenching has been a lifelong curse. 

As a teenager I remember being quite embarrassed by my little beady eyes when I tried to smile – eyes hidden by overhanging clenched eyebrows. During my freshman year in college I remember waking up on a daily basis with extremely dry eyes – a condition that I now realize was caused by clenching eyes and forehead during my sleep, restricting the flow of moisture into my eyes. During my thirties, I exerted great time and effort over a several year period – effort aimed at learning to relax the tight muscles in my face. 

Then, to my surprise, as I stare today at a photo of myself as a fourteen-month-old baby, I am quite shocked to see that my eyebrows are turned down at the corners and my face looks sad – as if I have been clenching.  

“Could it be that I clenched my forehead even as a baby?” I begin to ponder. 

An Obvious Clue 

To my dismay, unclenching my forehead is actually quite strange and uncomfortable. The relaxation process requires great effort, focus, and concentration, using muscles in ways they have not been used in a very long time. Even more surprising is that when I try to relax, I experience small muscle pains in my eyebrows. 

“This clenching must be related to my third-eye chakra.” I ponder the obvious clue. 

It will be weeks before I begin to understand the significance of this meditative discovery.  

Hopeless Futility 

Wednesday morning, during another beautiful meditation, I focus almost entirely on the third-eye chakra. Beautiful energy flows through my body and dizziness dances in my head, yet a feeling of cloudy stuck-ness continues to dominate the front of my forehead. 

A metaphorical lead plate continues to block all energy access through this visionary chakra. Ongoing conscious attempts to relax the muscles of this region simply end in a feeling of futility. The eyebrow-aches seem to laugh at me, and the fact that constant undivided concentration is required to relax seems to taunt me with a feeling of hopelessness. 

Lost In Confusion 

Thirteen people crowd the magical porch for a Wednesday afternoon ceremony. As I meditate in my created reality, patiently waiting for my turn, I again feel lost and confused. 

Finally, as Keith sits to work with a gentleman to my side, he briefly reaches over to place his fingertips on the upper part of my heart chakra. To my surprise, I immediately begin to sink into deep unexpected emotion. 

“I didn’t know that this emotion was still in there.” I ponder. 

“Keith,” I share when he finally begins to work with me. “I feel so confused.” 

“I have been feeling lots of energy for the last week or so,” I beg for understanding, “but I continue to feel pains and blockages – and no metaphors are rising today. I feel like I am at a new level and I don’t know what to do. I am recognizing ego patterns of doubt, and I feel as if I am spinning in confusion.” 

“I felt quite emotional just now when you touched me,” I continue, “but I don’t know if I am supposed to process these emotions the old way, or if I should try to deal with them using higher energies …” 

The Last To Know 

“Whoa,” Keith interrupts my rambling. “Go back a couple of sentences – to the part where you said ‘at a whole new level’.” 

“This is exactly where you are,” Keith lovingly reassures me, “and at this new level you can’t use rational mind to figure out what to do next. You are perfect, right where you are. Just continue to feel the energies and don’t try to figure anything out.” 

“As you flow with the process,” Keith continues, “rational mind will be the last to figure it out. At this level, you are not comfortable. Everything is new, it is unknown, you can’t describe it, you don’t know the rules, and your rational mind is unsure.” 

Unmapped Territory 

As Keith again quickly moves on, I am intuitively guided to remember Serg’s story of the two little frogs – one frog who lives in a well and one who lives by the ocean. 

“Just come and visit me at the ocean,” the ocean frog told the other who lives in the well. “I can’t describe the ocean to you with words … you just have to experience it for yourself.” 

As I ponder this cute little story, my eyes begin to fill with tears. Thoughts about further surrender fill me with a sensation of profound inner panic.  

“I have no idea how to get to the ocean from here.” I remind myself. “I am at a place where surrendering is all that I can do … I am in unmapped territory and I must simply follow … asking Higher Self to guide me … I don’t know … I don’t know … I don’t know … I need to surrender …” 

Emotions of panic swarm through my soul. 

Still There 

While I observe myself going down the rabbit hole of surrender, Keith begins to work with my friend Naomi – the same woman who on Sunday had found her little inner child refusing to exit a cage in her heart. 

Naomi is totally stuck in her head, attempting to direct her process without knowing where to go. 

“What about your inner child?” I feel strong intuition telling me to interrupt Naomi in her conversation with Keith. “Did she ever come out of her cage?” 

“No, she is still in there,” Naomi confesses as she begins to return to deep painful emotion. 

Both 

I smile inside as I watch Keith take Naomi deeper into her inner child process, realizing that my words – words that seemed to be channeled through me – were crucial to Naomi’s ongoing journey. 

In the meantime, I go right into the process myself, connecting energetically with everything Naomi is experiencing. Soon I begin to access deep emotions as well. 

“Keith,” I interrupt briefly, “can you help me understand if I am simply feeling Naomi’s emotions, or if I am doing my own work over here?” 

“Both,” Keith replies confidently. 

Through Different Eyes 

Immediately I allow myself to sink further into my own process. To my shock and surprise, I am profoundly feeling little three-year-old Sharon’s pain – the excruciating pain that she passed through when circumstances forced her to orchestrate her own energetic suicide. 

Yes, I had gotten hopelessly lost in these same emotions just ten days ago, but this time is different – I am now experiencing the horrendous agony through Sharon’s eyes – feeling the hopelessness and futility that she felt at such a tender age. 

As overwhelming emotions consume me, I cry and double over in anguish. Deep nausea and pain consume my abdomen. I feel as if I were kicked in the gut, that my wind was knocked out of me. I can’t breathe, and deep tears begin to flow like rivers. 

Meanwhile, I continue to monitor Naomi’s parallel journey as she works across the porch with Keith. As I hold my little girl’s hand and ask her to please teach me more, I overhear Naomi tell her little girl something crudely equivalent to “just get over it and trust me.” 

Ask Her To Teach You 

“Stop trying to be her teacher and ask her to teach you.” I lovingly interrupt Naomi through my tears. 

As I hear these words pass from my lips, I suddenly realize they were meant for me. From a whole new level, I again ask little Sharon to teach me what it is that I am not yet understanding. 

The Family Ground 

As I sink deeper into my little girl’s pain, I am drawn to remember countless examples of childhood discipline – having my mouth repeatedly washed out with soap, cayenne pepper sprinkled on my tongue, spankings, and the occasional belt to the buttocks. 

“Emotions were rarely expressed in my family,” I ponder to myself, “other than the expressions of love between me and my mom, of course.” 

Everything was cheerfully wonderful and pleasant. My childhood home always maintained a happy image, but there was invisible stress. 

“I was an ‘emotional ground’ in the family.” I suddenly realize. “I was the empath who absorbed all of the negativity that no-one else dared to express. I felt the unexpressed discord and internalized it all as the young empath that I was.” 

The Real Truth 

“When tears surfaced,” I further ponder, “tears that were my only means of releasing this painful emotional pressure, I had no obvious reason for crying – at least none that I could explain to others.” 

“This is why I cannot remember the reasons for the tears that I cried so often.” I ponder with increasing clarity. “This is why I was so mouthy and rebellious to my mother. I was not allowed to speak the real truth, and I wanted to defend my actions … I just wanted to be understood.” 

Reversing Roles 

“Connect with little Sharon and do an empath release for her.” Keith coaches me. 

After ten minutes of feeling Sharon’s deep emotional energies running through me and out to the angels, another intuition strikes me. 

“Sharon is a much more skilled empath than I.” I ponder deeper. “She is the expert here.” 

Soon I reverse roles and ask her to show me how it is done, asking her to intuitively teach me. The two of us begin to work hand in hand as the internal pain greatly diminishes, ever more quickly. 

Unexpectedly, I feel as if a tiny crack briefly opens in the center of my forehead – giving me a pleasant sensation of lightness and delightful energy flow in my third-eye chakra. But it is only a brief glimpse – a glimpse that gives me hope that more is on the way. 

When the empathic emotional release has completed, I continue to experience slight pain in my abdomen – but a sense of peaceful knowing reminds me that an ongoing journey of growth and understanding continues to light up the future. 

Strictly Forbidden 

“I understand everything at such a profound level now.” I exclaim to Keith with deep joy. 

“I have felt these tears and emotions many times in the past,” I continue, “but finally I actually understand, at a rational mind level, why I cried and cried and cried for no reason whatsoever. 

“You weren’t allowed to express negativity in any form.” Keith adds some clarity. 

“Ouch! That hurts to even think about it.” I reply to Keith as I suddenly experience a deep painful rumbling in my abdomen – pain that punches me in the gut at the exact same instant that Keith speaks those words. 

“That is so true.” I express with new light bulbs flashing. “I was encouraged to express love – but any type of conflict, disagreement, or negativity was strictly forbidden, always resulting in some type of punishment.” 

Cheerful Childhood Conditioning 

Immediately, the words from several Mormon children’s songs begin to stream through my mind. 

“When we’re helping, were happy … and we sing as we go … we love to help mother …” 

“Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam … to shine for him each day … in every way try to please him …” 

“If you chance to meet a frown … quickly turn it upside down …” 

And the list could go on forever. Yes, the message with which I was raised is “be happy, helping, smiling, pleasing, loving, etc…” 

I Did It Too 

There was no permission or teaching on how to express ‘negative’ feelings in a healthy way. Sadness, frustration, and the like were not well received, and anger was not tolerated at all – but even worse was the punishable sin of disagreeing and arguing with parents, especially in the area of their cherished belief systems. 

Yes, such “negative” behaviors were carefully disciplined out of me, all in the name of obedience and love. 

My only choice to avoid punishment was to conform, to refrain from talking back, and to please my parents in every way. Thinking for myself, and embracing opposing opinions – well those both got me in serious trouble. Yes, I was limited to happy, helping, smiling, pleasing, and loving. 

Of course I was also taught that all good little boys and girls behave this way, and that any deviation from such goodness is a sin. 

The sad twist here is that I taught the exact same things to my own children – with the best of intentions. 

A Single Drop 

Through the next two days, I continue to write up a storm – but the writing is not always easy. Again on Friday, the thirteenth day of May, I meet strong internal resistance, as the emotions about which I seek to write continue to stir up deep pain and profound inner-work integration – but somehow I manage to keep the writing going. 

I love how my writing is sandwiched between beautiful meditations. Every morning, the peaceful energetic bliss grounds me in preparation for a new day. Every evening, I find myself further integrating the profound insights – insights about things that came up during my writing – while simply vibrating with loving energy. 

But the underlying focus of most meditations is on bringing light and energy into my third-eye. I try sending love, even imagining myself as writing the words “I Love You” on the inside of my forehead. In one meditation I finally succeed in coaxing a single drop of loving energy through the third eye – but my energy will allow no more than that. 

Profound Perceptions 

These have been a profound seven days. As I internalize deeper understanding through my writing, I continue to explore profound issues of my childhood shutdown, through angles I never imagined possible. 

Each new experience increases my level of understanding regarding what happened to me as a child – a happy child in a happy home – a happy child lovingly broken like a horse – a happy child taught to be a people pleaser, not allowed to deviate from strictly held belief systems – both religious and cultural. 

But the most exciting thing is that I now understand it all from a completely rational mind level. 

“Keith was right.” I ponder while preparing for bed on Friday night. “For several months I have been experiencing the right-brain emotions of what happened to me – but finally the rational mind has caught up. The rational mind really is the last to understand.” 

“No wonder I have always been a people pleaser.” I think to myself. “No wonder I have always had such a difficult time around conflict. No wonder expression of negative emotion was so frightening and shunned.” 

I now powerfully perceive that I was profoundly and persistently programmed by proud parents and patriarchal preachers to perform as a positive peaceful people pleaser. If I perhaps presumed to protest, punishment was probable and painful. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Here is round three of my long-overdue photos. As usual, each photo displayed is a thumbnail image. If you desire to see the full-resolution photo, simply click on the image. This allows you to view or download.

Visa Trip To Mexico

On May 2, 2011, Keith and I set out for a quick trip to Mexico to renew our visas. We left San Marcos at 6:00 a.m. on a Monday morning.

This photo of the lake was taken at 6:17 a.m. from a viewpoint high up on the mountain above Lake Atitlan. I love how the sunrise was reflecting off the lake.

Another photo of the same view, this one without zooming in.

At just after 8:00 in the morning we had already passed Xela, and were driving by this beautiful little farming community on our way to visit a hot springs — one that I have never before visited.

This beautiful little farming village is beautiful — the most well landscaped and maintained farming area I have seen in all of Guatemala. It reminds me of a little agricultural area back home.

A very typical home that we drove by — this one is in the farming area.

The fields were beautiful, irrigated, lush, green, and quite amazing compared to what I have seen elsewhere in Guatemala.

We began to drive up this old road toward the canyon straight ahead. Our destination was a hot springs that Keith has not visited in over a year.

As we drove around a tree that was laying in the road, we were quite surprised to discover this big hole in the road. It is at least ten feet wide and perhaps twenty to thirty feet deep. It seems that the bridge was washed out a year ago during Tropical Storm Agatha, and it has never been rebuilt. It is a good thing Keith was paying attention to the road.

Another view of where the bridge is washed out, this one with less zoom, showing a little bit more of the surrounding scenery.

Keith, backing up the truck as he turns around on the narrow mountain road.

Driving back down the mountain road toward the valley below. In the near foreground is Keith’s dashboard. It is covered with shells, rocks, crystals, pine cones, and other miscellaneous little goodies.

One of the homes we passed on our way back to the highway. I just love the beautiful flowers here.

Another view of some of the beautiful mountainous farmland.

Another home that is typical for this area. This one has the laundry spread out all over the ground and walls, taking advantage of a little warm sun to dry things out.

A very typical mode of public transportation that is found all over Guatemala. People just crowd into the back of pickup trucks, paying the driver a small sum of money to carry them on to their next destination.

A constructons area through which we passed. Road construction here is very poorly marked. There were no warning signs giving any advance notice — just the young man at the left side of the road holding a red flag.

Political campaign signs can be seen all over Guatemala. I am told that the elections are next November. This sign reads : “Better times are coming for all — UCN”

Another very familiar sight in small-town Guatemala — another crowded pickup truck transport.

A very typical small town through which we passed.

Another scene in the same little town. The roads are narrow enough that there is not really room for parking. When someone parks, such as this truck, the road becomes basically one-way, with people having to take turns going the opposite way.

A very common scene all over the backcountry of Guatemala. These two Mayan women are carrying huge loads balanced on their heads.

This man was leading his cow down the main sreet of his small town.

Return To Guatemala

Keith and I shopped for several hours in the Mexican town of Tapachula (very southern end near the Pacific coast) and then returned to the Guatemala border where we rented two separate rooms in a very inexpensive hotel right at the border. At around 5:00 a.m. on Tuesday, May 3, we returned through Guatemala customs, beginning our drive back to San Marcos.

At around 6:00 a.m. we passed by a different border crossing — this being one that the large semi trucks have to use. This is just a tiny portion of the huge long lineup of trucks that were waiting to pass through customs. This line was at least a mile or two long. I’m glad I didn’t have to wait in this line here.

A view of the sun rising at 6:00 a.m. as seen through the dashboard of Keith’s truck. I’m not quite sure, but I think it was a mountain that was partially blocking the sun. It is so hazy right now that I cannot tell for sure.

A small tire shop — a very typical scene along the highways.

A great view of Keith as he drives us into the morning sun.

The highway on which we were driving at 6:30 in the morning — still in the more humid and tropical portion of Guatemala, on the westen side of the mountains.

A typical home along the highway … all the laundry is out front drying.

Coming up to a speedbump in a small town. There are speedbumps all over and they are quite large, being the only way to get drivers to slow down in populated areas.

At such speedbumps, vendors often sell their wares to the passing vehicles. In this photo you can see a young man selling newspapers, right out in the middle of the road.

Another pickup truck driving along the highway with a load of cargo and a single passenger. Sorry for the poor quality of this photo … it was taken through a dirty windshield.

We passed this small and very colorful cemetary a few minutes later. Again the photo is quite cloudy because of a dirty windshield.

A young woman standing by the road, waiting for some type of public transport to pass by — a van or pickup. Again, notice the homes and the laundry. This is very typical all over this area of Guatemala.

Shortly after 7:00 a.m., Keith and I were high up on the western slopes of a very tall mountain. Because of the huge rainfall on this side of the mountain, the area at the top is like a tropical rain forest — very lush, green, and wet.

These huge leaves by the side of the road are several feet across.

Another view of the beautiful leaves near the highway.

I’m not sure exactly what this man is carrying, but it is some type of hand-pumped presurrized spray canister … men like this were all around this part of the mountain this morning. I’m guessing they were out spraying their corn or vegetable fields — either to kill bugs or possibly to fertilize or something … anyone’s guess.

A small town way up at the top of the mountains, perhaps 8,000 or 9,000 feet in altitude. This is a beautiful little farming community. Apparently they grow lots of crops up at this altitude.

Another view of this high-mountain community.

And another … from a little further away.

This beautiful field is even higher up the mountain, perhaps around 9,000 feet. The people here plant crops almost anywhere, often on slopes much steeper than these.

A portion of another high-mountain town, this one being on the eastern (dryer) slopes of the mountain as we begin our descent down toward Xela.

Another view quite typical of towns in this area.

After arriving in Xela around 8:00 a.m., we spent a few hours shopping in the huge outdoor markets before heading for home.

This photo was taken around 11:45 a.m. as we climbed back over the mountain that surrounds Lake Atitlan (where I live). You can’t see it well in this photo, but the road here is very poor, filled with potholes that have not been repaired for a very long time.

A typical rural home, next to the mountain road. We are still climbing up the mountain surrounding Lake Atitlan. Soon we will be descending back down into the lake.

As we descend back down toward Lake Atitlan and San Marcos, I could not help but snap a few photos of these unique political campaign adds. Starting a month or two ago, I noticed that rocks were being painted almost everywhere — each being uniquely colored, containing symbols identifying a particular political party.

In this photo you can see orange and blue rocks that belong to one party, and green rocks that were painted by a different party.

The Patriot Party painted this large rock face.

I haven’t seen this very often. Horses are not all that common here. Usually the men carry the firewood on their backs, suspended by straps over their forehead. These people must have a little more money. They were carrying firewood along the road on the backs of these beautiful horses.

I chuckle every time I see this road. We are near a small community about half way down the mountainside. If you look closely you can see that the left lane is paved very nicely, and is about eight inches higher than the lane we are in, which is just gravel.

This road has not changed in 13 months. Keith tells me that they ran out of money and never finished it. Apparently it has been like this for a few years.

If you look closely, you can see a tiny portion of Lake Atitlan at the very center of the photo. We are almost home.

Another view while descending into Lake Atitlan. I took this photo because of the political adds. The orange guard-rail was painted by the political party that uses orange as their color. The green rocks were painted by a different party.

Another cluster of political advertising. As you can see, they paint just about any rock, guard-rail, or wall — at least all of the ones near the road. I still find it quite humorous.

A man carrying a huge load of wood on his back (suspended from his forehead). We are only a few minutes from San Marcos in this photo.

A Scorpion Tale

Full details are in my blog in the entry titled: A Scorpion Saga, but I will briefly summarize here. At exactly 11:30 p.m. on Thursday night, May 19, I was stung twice by a scorpion that had been crawling on my left shoulder before falling onto the bed by my right arm. To my dismay I could not find him after turning on the lights.

At precisely 11:30 a.m. on Friday morning, May 20, I was meditating on my bed and stretched my bare legs out on top of my blanket. The little stinger-guy got me again on the left thigh, just above the back side of my knee.

Ouchie … those stings hurt. Well I finally caught him. He is now living out in the wilds about a mile from here.

This is the little guy in the kitchen glass that I first used to capture him. He was hiding under the fold of my blanket, cowering in his little half-exposed cave. Once I spied him, he was quite easy to catch.

His body is about 1.25 inches long, His pinchers stick out in front another inch, and his tail is about 2 inches long when stretched out straight.

Soon after capturing him, I transferred the little guy into an empty peanut butter jar — with a lid.

Here he is all scrunched up, with his pinchers pulled back and his tail tightly curled. I put my hand under the jar to illustrate how big he is.

Soon, with a painful sting in my left leg, I walked the little guy over to Keith’s house so that he could turn him loose further down the road — far away from my apartment. As I walked (or should I say limped), he stretched out to full size in the jar. I paused briefly to snap this photo as I walked down the cobblestone road on my way to Keith’s.

Keith dumped the little guy out on a large straw mat in order to give me a photo opportunity. He is very fast, but remained mostly still for the photos.

Another view of the little guy.

And one more photo. At times he began to run away and Keith had to herd him back toward the straw mat.

The two stings on each arm did not swell much, but they hurt profusely. The toxins from those late-night stings went quickly into my blood stream because I got quite numb and tingly in my mouth very quickly with them. I got quite the “buzz” too. Apparently some people like to smoke the scorpion tails because it gives them a nice high.

The third sting on my leg, however, seems to have been more in the muscle. It did not spread to my head quite as fast, and got quite red and swollen on my leg. You can barely see it in this photo, but I had an area about seven inches long and four inches wide that was hard, swollen, red, and very achy and itchy.

This photo was taken almost 24 hours after the third sting.

Another view of my red swelling. This lasted for several days, as did the itching and slight aching. The dentist-office-like tingly numbness in my mouth lasted about 24 hours.

Foot Follow-Up

Since I had my camera out taking photos of my body, I decided to take a few photos of my foot. For those who do not know, I received a severe third-degree burn in November 2009 while participating in a five-day indigenous festival in the north-central Yucatan. I ended up going through huge inner growth while facing deep fears and remaining in a small Mexican town, dealing with a local doctor. After a huge area of dead skin was removed, I spent three months recuperating in Valladolid Mexico.

Since I have not shown any followup photos for a very long time, I decided to add a few here. As you can see, much of the burn area eventually filled in with actual, healthy skin. The middle area looks much better than I ever imagined, being covered by scar tissue.

Another view, a little further away. I continue to vigorously massage the scar tissue on a frequent basis. I remain quite convinced that the scar tissue continues to diminish while being replaced by healthy vibrant skin.

Around Town

Since I rarely carry my camera around town, I stopped to take these next two photos while carrying my scorpion over to Keith’s home. This first photo is of the river channel, looking from the bridge up toward the mountains.

The young men at the left are still repairing a wall in an attempt to protect their property (house/restaurant to immediate left) from further damage during this year’s rains. A few weeks earlier, this river channel was quite clean. Already, from several storms, the upper area is quite littered with smaller rocks that washed down during minor flash floods.

So far, nothing even close to Tropical Storm Agatha has hit this year.

This final photo is taken from the same spot on the bridge, but looking down toward the lake.

As you can probably see, the channel is about twelve feet deep and equally as wide. Last year at the end of May, this entire channel was filled to overflowing with large rocks that had washed down during the flash flooding of Tropical Storm Agatha.

Early-morning horizontal-meditations seem to be quickly becoming the norm. At 4:30 a.m. on Wednesday morning I find myself lying in bed, wide awake, pondering the angry-preacher meditation that had consumed me just last night.  

“How could that ugly self-righteous preacher still be living inside of my solar plexus?” I ponder with intense frustration. 

Freedom From Guilt 

I begin to deeply explore the guilt-based sexual repression that still seems to subconsciously dominate certain areas of my life – sexual repression that is beautifully illustrated by the angry-preacher metaphor. 

“I am not seeking sexual permissiveness and one-night stands.” I speak back to that judgmental preacher, “I just want the dogmatic, extreme-guilt-inducing voice removed from my soul. I just want permission to be happy and normal in sexual intimacy without the guilt – without the preacher voice raging silently in my abdomen, shutting me down at every turn with pain, anxiety, fear.” 

Not-So-Consciously Processing 

Physical exhaustion continues to tug at me as I finally get up, drop off laundry, take notes, and attempt to further meditate. Most of the morning quickly disappears into a long nap intermingled with the occasional conscious meditative thought. I am constantly processing, but not-so-consciously processing – doing much of the work in a semi-dream state.  

Unsolicited Guidance 

“Brenda, I want you to consciously connect to the higher energies and consciousness.” Keith quickly guides me as the afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway. 

Getting such immediate and unsolicited guidance from Keith has been quite rare as of late – causing me to pay close attention. 

“Keith would not volunteer such quick advice,” I ponder to myself, “unless it was coming from a higher source – unless it was really important.” 

Powerful Present Moments 

Almost immediately I feel the familiar lightness of a tingling energy that mildly vibrates at the tip of my crown – like a little straw of cool fresh air gently flowing into my head. 

As I focus on being present, the sounds begin to draw me in. I am obsessed with the variety of noises and sensations – the gentle breeze, the birds chirping, boats navigating, dogs barking, and children laughing in a nearby yard. Every sound seems important. I begin to experience it all as my own creation. 

“I wonder what it is for?” I ponder each sound or sensation. “Why did I create it? And what can I learn from it?” 

Dreams Within Dreams 

I clearly recognize that I am in a dream, still asleep while creating everything around me – but part of me still fights the concept, attempting to deny it. I have begun to wake up, but am not fully lucid enough to consciously interact with the creation process – at least I don’t believe that I am. 

As I further connect to the higher energies, I begin to feel as if the top portion of my head has vibrated away into the cosmos above. Something is trying to wake me up – to pull me from this physical dream that I call reality – to give me another glimpse into who I really am. 

Memories of Sunday paint a powerful picture – an image of me deeply regressed into the painful emotions of a three-year-old child as she faced the gut-wrenching choice of needing to commit energetic suicide. I had nearly gotten lost in that nested dream – that nested pseudo-reality of intense consuming emotion. But with conscious effort I was finally able to pull myself back to the present day. 

But I clearly recognize that, even now, I continue to be caught-up in a higher dream, one that is no more real that what happened to me just three days ago. I want to wake up. I want to return to an even higher vibration state where I can see an ever bigger picture with loving clarity. 

The Right Time 

“Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts my process, “what you feel in your crown is what you will eventually begin to think of as the real you.” 

Keith goes on to explain that my old thought patterns and beliefs, my old ways of thinking, will no longer define my identity – that this evolving energy connection is rapidly beginning to show me who I really am. 

Keith’s words only encourage me to further surrender to the process. I am deeply anxious to receive whatever the higher energies might show me next – but I also trust that everything will show up at exactly the right time. 

A Frantic Assault 

As I further immerse myself into the present, distractions begin to consume me, first manifesting as an intense feeling of confusion in and around the area of my third-eye chakra, right at the center of my forehead. The confusion is intensely overwhelming, attempting to suck me back into old patterns of simply throwing up my hands and giving up – believing that my path is being blocked – that further progress is hopeless. 

As I continue paying attention to my body, I notice that my heart is beating extremely rapidly as feelings of fear and panic raise their familiar heads. The near-panic-attack is quite bizarre, given the state of peace that I continue to enjoy in my crown chakra. 

Next I notice a sharp pain beginning to manifest in my solar plexus. The pain demands my focus and attention, insisting that I stop what I am doing. 

I sit silently in this ongoing, mind-boggling, chaotic state of intense body confusion for the next couple of hours. Rather than judging what I am feeling as being wrong, I instead choose to simply observe what is happening – doing so from an impartial third-party point of view. 

 “This is quite interesting,” I ponder quietly. “Ego is throwing a huge tantrum. Something inside is doing everything possible in a futile and desperate attempt to distract me, to stop me, to pull me back into the energy-darkness that has been my life story.” 

“Hmmm,” I think to myself. “I must be getting close to something really big. Why else would ego be engaging in such a frantic assault?” 

Through this entire confusing assault, I continue to feel peaceful energy tingling and tickling at my crown, reminding me that all is well – that I continue to be connected to my divine source. 

The Observer Game

“Brenda, don’t try to suppress these thoughts.” I feel my observer-self quietly reassure me. “Embrace this bizarre confusion as part of your process. Don’t fight anything. Just keep observing.” 

Ego quickly realizes that I am clued in to its little game, so the attack on my meditation suddenly shifts to a new battlefield. 

Extreme sleepiness begins to flood my body. 

“I am sooooo tired,” the voices pretend to be me. “I cannot possibly continue. This is too hard. I absolutely have to get some rest. I am going to collapse if I don’t simply lie down right this very moment and take a siesta. I can finish this meditation later.” 

These sleep-inducing voices are very tempting, nearly convincing me to embrace their little end-run techniques, but another little voice reminds me that sleepiness is one of the tools in ego’s little bag of tricks. 

“I really must be close to something big.” The observer in me again smiles. 

Suddenly, the sleepiness disappears as the chaotic confusion returns. I feel like a ping pong match is taking place between the confusion, the panic, the fear, and the pain in my solar plexus. 

I love playing this “observer game.” It seems that ego is getting quite desperate. Through it all, my crown chakra continues to maintain a peaceful tingling connection to divine energies from above. 

Giving Up 

After several hours of this self-observation saga, Keith feels guided to come and work with me. I excitedly summarize my progress so far. 

“Brenda, this is exactly how you felt as a six-year-old.” Keith surprises me with his unexpected insights. “You were desperately attempting to hang on to the divine energies, but finally gave up in total desperation. You could no longer stay awake; you were fighting for your life but finally gave in to the overwhelming confusing energy trying to distract and shut you down.”

“Wow,” I exclaim, “This has been an amazing and personal recreation of exactly what I felt during that period of my life. I desperately attempted to maintain that divine connection in my crown – but the pounding bombardment of energy confusion finally won out, shutting me down, lulling me off to sleep. The battle was simply too hard and I could no longer resist.” 

“That is why I see such sadness when I stare into the eyes of my first grade photo.” I ponder out loud. 

Exactly What I Need 

“Keep working on that thought.” Keith advises me as he quickly moves on to work with someone else. “Just follow your own energy and see where it leads you.” 

Part of me wants to scream, “No, I need more of your time … more of your help.” But the empowered-me recognizes that what Keith has already given me is perfect, and that it is exactly what I need, nothing more. 

Time For A Voice 

As I continue meditating in a stream of amazing awakened clarity, my thoughts are eventually drawn back to the angry preacher, pounding his bible on the pulpit of my solar plexus, preaching self-righteous shame-filled condemnation to my little Bobby. 

I cannot find love for this ugly voice. I have tried, and continue to try, but each time I listen to his hate-filled message of judgment, thoughts of unconditional love become utterly impossible. 

As I ponder this profound process, my throat begins to unexpectedly choke up, launching me into a prolonged fit of extreme coughing. There is no physical reason as to why I should be choking. Intuitively, I know that my throat chakra is energetically showing me that I am not able to express – that it is time to allow this inner hatred to have a voice. 

As the coughing continues, my solar plexus flares up with extreme, unbearable pain, churning and bloating in a way that screams for release, for freedom to express. 

On To The Angels 

Finally, in desperation, I swallow my pride and decide that it is OK to make an embarrassing fool of myself in front of others, once again allowing myself to sink into painful, gut-wrenching, tear-filled, dramatic emotion – all for the self-humiliating entertainment of others. For some reason, I really don’t like to constantly cry on the porch. Ego insists that I should be beyond that stage – that I am now supposed to move all dense energies via the assistance of higher energies. 

Readjusting myself on my favorite overstuffed pillow, I get on my hands and knees, sink down to the ground, and rest my face on a small cushion. Soon, I grab another cushion and begin to punch with my fist. Keith quickly adds several more cushions in an effort to prevent me from hurting myself. 

“How DARE you do this to a child!” I scream quietly to that angry-preacher voice while pounding my fist firmly. 

“’F@%K You!’ for all of the hate-filled lies that you spewed on little Bobby!” I take the emotion up a notch, continuing to punch the pillows. 

For the next thirty minutes, I pound the pillow lightly while either thinking or verbally expressing an outpouring of anger for how that bible-banging preacher had filled my little boy’s heart with such ugly guilt and shame. 

Through it all, I continue to cough sporadically and uncontrollably. At one point I enter an extreme state of combined wheezing and sobbing, beginning to hyperventilate. The words soon cease as I simply sob, punch, and cough, interspersed with intense bouts of wheezing and additional hyperventilation. 

In wave after wave, intensely-experienced emotions work their way to the surface. At least for now, I choose to do what I trust – a dramatic, experiential emotional release that literally purges these formerly-unexpressed emotions, pushing them out of my body and out to the angels. 

Bringing In Light 

“Brenda,” Keith eventually interrupts. “It is time to bring in some light now.” 

Recognizing the truth in Keith’s loving words, I allow myself to slow down, to begin catching my breath. A few minutes later I sit up on my pillow, close my eyes, and begin to focus on bringing in the light of unconditional love. 

Gradually, the higher energy vibrations consume my body. These anger-filled, hate-spewing emotions have been released, leaving additional room for more love to light up my soul. 

A Little Of The Same 

To my delight, it seems that my emotional honesty has greatly affected others in the group today. Nearly everyone on the porch works on deep issues surrounding their own childhood shutdowns. The ceremony around me becomes quite intense as others access their own emotions, sinking deeply into their processes. 

I fill with joy at the thought that my example of surrendering seems to give others the courage to try a little of the same. 

Divine Dreams 

As I lie in bed, early on Wednesday evening, I engage in quiet meditation while drifting toward sleep. To my delight, I am briefly reminded intuitively of something that Keith had shared during our quick visa-run to Mexico. 

“Brenda, what you are in the process of doing is the beginning stages of undoing the blocks that surround your heart chakra.” Keith had told me. 

As dreamland consumes me, I eagerly anticipate the thought of what it might actually be like when the blocks finally dissolve, allowing the divine energies to once again flow freely through my body. 

Meditative Mornings 

As I wake up on Thursday morning, I am overjoyed by the feeling of energy flowing around in my abdomen – more delightful energy than I remember ever feeling before. Yes, there are still little pains here and there, but they seem to be more specific and isolated. I love the feeling of light and open spaces that seem to be spreading in my tummy, and I eagerly look forward to more of the same. 

Today, May 5, will be the first Thursday in a very long time in which I will not be participating in a chocolate ceremony. I will miss the five-day-per-week sessions, but eagerly look forward to the shifts that are now unfolding in my life. For now, Sunday and Wednesday ceremonies will be absolutely perfect. 

As I jump out of bed, I am excited to begin a new venture with Keith. Since we are no longer doing daily chocolate ceremonies, he has offered to open up his magical porch every morning at 7:00 a.m. for a ninety minute meditation. It will not be anything guided, simply an opportunity to sit quietly in the shared energy while doing our own individual inner work.  

Resisting Release 

I begin meditation with a repeat of what happened yesterday during the ceremony, sensing a beautiful energy that dances and tickles me at the crown – but I soon begin to experience agitation in my third-eye and significant nausea in my tummy. 

This being a silent meditation and not an emotional-processing session – I am unsure as to how to proceed. Rather than bursting out into tearful release, I resist the urge, bottling up my feelings – yet I am profoundly aware that more emotions are begging for release.  

I Am That Voice 

Later, after returning home and quickly abandoning all attempts at writing, I opt instead to pursue this bottled emotion, eagerly re-entering the confusing meditation. 

Again I reconnect with the beautiful crown-chakra energies. Again I deeply experience the bottled up emotions that beg for expression. 

As the emotion surges, I allow myself to sob deeply, engaging in powerful emotional release – a release that again leads to profound coughing and deep pain. 

It seems that my abdomen is teeming with horrible self-hatred. The voice of that angry bible-banging preacher is now seated right on top of my heart, forcefully suffocating me. 

“I am that voice.” I exclaim to myself with shock. 

Hypocritical Projections 

Another deep round-of-tears bursts forth, as I allow myself to acknowledge this fact. Through much of my youth and young-adult life, I turned that judgmental voice outward. I rarely expressed the judgmental hatred verbally, but I felt it deeply. I was bigoted, deeply judgmental of the less-than-perfect behaviors of others, self-righteously preaching with a silent voice – all the while living a hypocritical life of actually being exactly what I hated. That angry preacher voice became deep self-hatred projected outward. Sobs again consume me as I sink deeper into the emotional clarity. 

Eventually I reach a point where the emotional expression feels complete. 

“Higher Self,” I beg, “please help me to transform these huge containers of self-hatred and judgment.” 

Deep Stinging Pain 

Little by little, ever so slowly at first, I begin inviting the energy of these hate-saturated emotions back into my heart, one by one. As each reaches my heart, I experience a physical sensation of deep stinging pain – pain that stimulates another burst of tearful release. 

Soon, I begin to bring up two blobs of emotional energy at a time, wondering if doing so might be attempting to push the river faster than it is prepared to flow. Gradually the process flows faster, with less pain. 

Finally, after a few hours of this focused, loving release, I break for lunch. I have made considerable progress and feel quite pleased with what I am doing.  

Energy Playing 

After lunch, I continue meditating, but take it in a new, more fun direction. I begin to play with that amazing little energy beacon in the center of my brain, the one I unexpectedly found quite useful on Sunday evening while moving emotional density from my neck to the crown. 

The delightful tingling flow that enters my crown seems to focus on the center of my brain – a spot that seems to be the very source of this beacon. I decide to try an experiment with the little energy beam to see if I can spread this energy flow around. 

In an exercise that feels like total imagination, I direct this little beacon to all areas of my brain. I delightfully discover that I seem to be able to aim it anywhere I want, with a full 360 degree range, in all directions, whether up, down, or sideways. 

Review Time 

While driving back from Mexico on Tuesday morning, Keith shared a handy meditation technique with me, guiding me to grab the hands of my Higher Self and little Sharon, following which I call a huge meeting in my inner conference room. All of the energy players in my body are invited to attend, whether they are metaphorical energies that I have already identified or perhaps energies that continue to lurk in the undiscovered darkness. 

After everyone gathers, I invite Higher Self to show them an instant replay movie of all the amazing growth through which we have recently passed. It is kind of a pep rally, reminding them of what we have already accomplished and encouraging them to get on board with more of the same. 

In the end, I thank them all for their cooperation – for their continued love and support – for sharing this journey with me – and for helping to move this profound healing process forward. 

A New Job 

As I reminisce on what I believed to be a powerful process on Tuesday, I again repeat the whole scenario as I review the most recent twelve hours with my inner energy players. I then engage that preacher voice in a short conversation, asking if he would like a new job. 

“Would you like to choose your job?” I ask him while reassuring him that he is not going to be laid off. 

“And what would be that choice?” I ask curiously. 

Soon I sense the answer. This beautiful little energy player would love to become a voice reminding me to love myself – a voice that will reside in my heart and third-eye chakras. 

As I ponder the amazing and ongoing energy shifts in my body, I sense more peace in my third-eye – but I continue to recognize it as being an area of severe shutdown. 

“I hope this new voice of self-love might be able to help me dissolve this wall of resistance.” I ponder. 

Movie Night 

Thursday afternoon and evening quickly evolves into much needed diversion. 

I had watched the movie “Chocolat” long ago, without resonating with the message at that time. Tonight, as I bask in the love, I giggle with delight while watching the movie through new eyes. It thrills me that the movie actually explores the magical qualities of pure, traditionally-processed Guatemalan cacao – while also exploring the silliness of our societal citizen factory. 

Sure, there are a few details about cacao that are slightly uninformed, but overall it is a great exploration into love and belief systems. If you haven’t seen this movie yet, you might enjoy taking a look. 

After dinner, I delight in again watching the movie “Inception” – an amazing exploration into the nature of reality and lucid dreaming. Flashbulbs of intuition constantly stimulate me into new ideas and insights. 

What a fun way to begin winding down an intense cycle of beautiful growth – watching a delightful movie about the heart opening effects of yummy chocolate, followed by a grand adventure into the mind-boggling nature of illusive reality. 

Chipping Away 

Friday morning I wake up at 4:00 a.m., again feeling guided to enter directly into meditation. During the delightful hours that follow I experiment with more stuck energies while feeling the delightful sensation of bubbles tingling in my spine, magically carrying newly uncovered layers of painful emotional densities up the spine and out my crown. 

I love how my confidence continues to build. I love how these bubbling energies continue to chip away at layer after layer of emotional deposits that seem to clog my physical body. 

Pretending To Forget 

Before 7:00 a.m. meditation, Keith surprises me by indicating that he too watched the movie ‘Inception’ last night. In the short discussion that follows, I am surprised by a suggestion that Keith makes when I mention that we have forgotten that we are simply dreaming. 

“Brenda,” Keith interjects, “we are only pretending to have forgotten that we are dreaming.” 

“Huh?” I question curiously. 

I love Keith’s additional insight as he further explains. It seems that “forgetting that I am dreaming” brings with it a subtle implication that I am a victim of the dream, whereas “pretending that I have forgotten” puts me in the power seat. Yes, I do know that I am dreaming and creating this reality – but a strong part of me continues to attempt to deny that truth, this being the ego part that insists on being separate and alone. 

Symbolic Synchronicities 

As I engage in what turns out to be a great meditation, I again feel light entering my crown, accompanied by delightful playful bubbles dissolving densities in my body. 

But in the process I also recognize something else. My heart chakra continues to feel as if someone or something is sitting on it, restricting my heart, preventing me from fully breathing the divine life-force energies that I so desire. 

Another new metaphor flashes into my mind. There is literally a piece of energetic lead shielding the front of my third-eye chakra. It is impenetrable, not allowing any type of energy to flow through. When I further play with my inner beacon, I feel it move everywhere in my head, but when I aim it at my forehead I feel absolutely nothing. 

Then another realization knocks at my door. Portions of that angry preacher voice continue to remain in my field – that ugly self-hatred has not yet fully transmuted. 

As if cued up by the Universe, while morning meditation draws to an end, I overhear two familiar Mormon hymns wafting through the air, one after the other. The music seems to be originating from just a few properties away. 

“Are the religious voices of my past still sitting on my heart, filling my third-eye with lead, and preaching angry judgment at me?” I ponder. 

The synchronicities continue to astound me. 

Return To Writing 

As Friday, May 6^th progresses, I am on task for a newly renewed passion. I am finally entering a period where I have five free days each week – five days in which I can engage in the passion of writing. 

A quick check of the calendar tells me I am exactly eight weeks behind in my story telling – eight long weeks that have blessed my life with intense emotional release, incredible growth, and profound understanding. 

“How will I ever catch up?” I ponder as I begin my first day of what will be an intensive writing marathon to come. 

“It doesn’t matter.” I respond to myself. “I will simply write and write and write, writing like I have never written before, getting up early and staying up late, flowing with inspiration and integration, simply writing until I am done.” 

“I will let the flow dictate the rest.” 

The Journey Of Writing 

Today, Saturday, June 11, I have finally finished writing about those amazing eight weeks of powerful processing – a journey that includes twenty-six postings, each containing a beautiful and loving piece of my heart. 

I only giggle as I ponder the fact that I am still five weeks behind – five more weeks that have overflowed with continuing deep growth and healing. 

I remain eternally grateful for the beautiful synchronous flow that continues to bless my life. I will continue to write with passion – not seeking to achieve a final destination of “being done”, but instead simply enjoying the beautiful journey of sharing stories while integrating deep growth. 

It seems that with every post, I am the one who is blessed; each story helps me integrate further, ever deepening my growth, constantly enriching my life. 

I love this beautiful journey of writing. 

The Real Me 

Just today I have been deeply blessed by further understanding about self-hatred that continues to clog portions of my physical body – by insights into the fact that this reality really is a dream, but in my smallness I continue to partially squirm and deny that fact – and by the realization that nothing in this physical world defines the real me. 

It seems that with everything I write, I draw one step closer to actually understanding who this mysterious “real me” might actually be. 

I cannot wait to begin tackling the next five weeks. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Huge firework bombs blast in the air above my apartment at 5:09 a.m., shaking the bedroom walls. Moments later, loud music begins to blast from somewhere on the hill above town. Oh, the joy of living in small town Guatemala. It appears that noise is an accepted and expected part of joyful celebration – and it seems that the people here celebrate nearly every possible event – whether it is the birthday of a loved one or of the third-cousin-twice-removed of their patron saint, Saint Mark. 

All kidding aside, I am actually quite used to this noise now. It rather humors me. I have begun to label various noises as having a powerful spiritual message for me. For example, roosters crowing at all hours throughout the day and night signify “wake up from the dream, Brenda” … and the dogs barking and howling – sometimes quite loudly, especially in the middle of the night – well they tell me “Brenda, love yourself.” 

But I was about to get out of bed anyway … I am going to Mexico. 

A Fun Adventure 

A couple of weeks ago, Keith had mentioned that his visa expires on May 2, and that he needed to make a quick border run to Mexico. 

“Hey,” I had told Keith. “Mine expires in just a couple of weeks after that. If you would like a travel companion, I would love to tag along.” 

Not having heard anything back, I was fully prepared to simply renew my visa in the usual way. But to my surprise, that resolution fell by the wayside yesterday afternoon before the chocolate ceremony … right before I began to bawl my eyes out for four long hours. 

“Brenda,” Keith had asked. “I’m leaving for Mexico early tomorrow morning. Do you want to tag along?” 

“Absolutely,” I had responded eagerly. “I always love a good adventure.” 

On Our Way 

It is early Monday morning, May 2, 2011 as I eat oatmeal while giggling about the local noises. 

Just as I had anticipated last night before falling asleep, a tiny bit of additional emotional density did indeed settle into my upper spine during my sleep. Turning my head from side to side is more than a wee bit painful – but nothing is going to interfere with my mood now. I fully expect that another great learning opportunity lies buried in this neck pain. 

As 6:00 a.m. ticks by, I find myself standing on the cobblestone street, directly in front of the local basketball court, watching two bouncing headlights slowly approach. Soon I am in the passenger seat of Keith’s little truck, and we are on our way. 

Hot Springs Or Bust 

We pass by Xela a couple of hours later. Keith is driving a slightly different route, giving me glimpses of a beautiful farming valley – one of the richest vegetable growing areas in Guatemala. Soon we are driving near fields with actual sprinklers. The crops are lush and vibrant, the homes well kept and clean, and the trees and landscaping are beautifully maintained. If I didn’t know better, I would think I was driving through a beautiful rural community back in the states. 

As we head up a small mountain road, winding past the fields toward a small narrow canyon, Keith tells me that we are going to a different hot springs rather than the one he usually visits. I begin to giggle as we round a small bend, slow down to maneuver around a tree that has blocked the road, and then come to a sudden stop. There in front of us is a huge gap in the road, at least ten feet across and twenty or thirty feet deep. It seems that the bridge here was washed out during Tropical Storm Agatha, just over one year ago, and the road remains impassable to this day. 

Soon we backtrack about fifteen minutes and return to Keith’s favorite Hot Spring – the same one I have now visited four times – with each of those visits leading to profound inner growth. Keith rarely passes near Xela without visiting one of these neighboring pools of delightful hot sulphur-scented water. 

Barely Tolerable 

It is close to 9:00 a.m. before Keith and I close our eyes, each entering our own deep meditative journey. I love basking in the warmth of this energizing hot water, feeling almost weightless, allowing the effects of a half-dose of chocolate to further open my heart. 

For the first half hour, my meditation is pleasurable, but going nowhere in particular. I feel a little energy flowing in my back that begins to release some of the pain, but that is all. As the water begins to cool, Keith drains the small pool and refills it with water that is now so hot that I can barely tolerate it. Keith repeatedly tells me that I am in charge of the temperature – that we will add as much cold as I want – but intuitions inside reassure me that “barely tolerable” is exactly what I want today. 

Go Into The Fear 

After a few minutes, the intense heat causes my head to begin itching and tingling. The tingling is actually painful and frightening – like the feeling of being simultaneously bitten by thousands of hot-sweaty mosquitoes all over my scalp – a feeling that creates a panic-filled urgency to bolt and run for safer waters, doing it NOW! 

This sensation is actually quite familiar. Such sweaty-itching is the very reason why I rarely tolerate hot tubs that are too hot – at least too hot for me that is. Today, the itching consumes me, swarming all over my head, including the cheeks and forehead. I am intensely uncomfortable, overwhelmed with an urge to retreat and to protect myself from this rapidly growing discomfort. 

As I prepare to open the cold water tap, desperately seeking relief, a flash of intuition leads me to suddenly recognize that the rest of my body is OK, totally fine, actually feeling quite comfortable with the warmth. It is only my head that is freaking out – a head that is not even in the water. 

Deepening my body consciousness, I tune in to the thump, thump, thumping of fear that pounds in my chest. 

“This pain must be fear and resistance to the energies.” The inner voices whisper. “Rather than running away … I need to face this fear and go into it.” 

Impromptu Channeling Paraphrased

I begin to melt into the fear, allowing the painful itching to consume me without resistance. As I do so, ignoring the terror that demands a quick retreat, I begin to feel a beautiful flow of tingling energy consuming my head, vibrating quite pleasurably. 

Immediately I speak up, interrupting Keith in order to share my current progress. To my surprise, he begins to channel for me, speaking completely in the third person. 

I wish I had a voice recorder – I would love to remember everything he says – but here is the gist of the message, albeit seriously paraphrased. 

“The energies are preparing you for your next level of upgrade, taking you to a whole new level of vibration, a level very similar to the vibrations in which Keith and Serg have been meditating lately. This will bring in and ground great amounts of energy. This upgrade is in progress, and is giving you a taste of what is to come. Do not attach yourself to when it will complete – it could be soon, and it could be a while longer. Live in the present, trust the process, know where you are, and just follow the flow.” 

Vibrating Energy Channels 

Still feeling the pain in my upper spine, I begin to focus on moving that dense energy, just as I had done on Keith’s magical porch last night. As I do so, my neck also begins to intensely tingle and itch as it begins to be overcome with powerful massaging vibrations. 

Seconds later, the same tingling, itching, and vibrations consume the upper edges of my shoulders. I feel the pain in my neck and shoulders beginning to dissolve and move, flowing up my neck, around the back of my skull, and out the top of my head – just as it had previously done. 

The vibrating energy is amazing, beautiful, powerful, and all consuming. I intuitively understand that my body is being worked on by the energies, and that long-forgotten and shutdown energy channels are being cleared and opened in preparation for a new level of magical growth. 

Absolute Surrender 

Again I experience fear pounding in my chest, warning me that I should not be doing this, that I will get in big trouble, that there are good reasons why I shut all of this energy down at such a young and tender age. 

Throughout the process, I keep my vibrating hands above the water, holding an energetic space while directing my open palms in the direction of my head and neck. Suddenly, I notice that my shoulders are slightly tensed up from holding my hands in this position. A little intuitive nudge tells me that I need to relax my hands, to let them enjoy the same growth and upgrade. 

“Surely the energies can do their job without my help.” I ponder deeply. 

Letting go, I surrender absolutely, ignoring the fear, and allowing the unknown energy flow to further consume me. Intuitively, I know that there is nothing more that I need do.

As I lower my hands into the water and relax my entire upper body, my hands and arms begin to intensely tingle and itch, creating the same overwhelming fearful feeling of being uncomfortably out of control. Minutes after surrendering and ignoring the fears, a pleasurable hot, tingling, vibrating energy begins to permeate my hands, arms, and shoulders. 

Return To Fear 

Now that the upper portion of my body is consumed by tantalizing tingling vibrations, I decide it is time to bring that same energy up from Mother Earth below. 

At the time I begin, my feet have been quite content and comfortable – yet energetically stagnant. Gradually, as I focus on relaxing and allowing, the tickling tingles work their way through my feet, up my ankles, calves, knees, thighs, hips, and into my abdomen – screeching to a dead stop right at the base of my rib cage. 

While attempting to coax the energies further up into the area of my heart, intense fear consumes me with each and every breath. 

Brick Wall 

As I butt up against this brick wall of fear, I feel totally stuck, incapable of coaxing the energy any further. My heart continues to insist on being an island. Humbling myself, I recognize my need for guidance as I soon reach out for help. 

“Higher Self,” I meditatively beg, “I could really use some help and assistance. I have no idea how to proceed.” 

Jagged Edge 

Suddenly a metaphor pops into my head – that of a frightening water slide at a water park near my old home in Utah. The name of this terror-inducing ride is “Jagged Edge” – so named because the first seconds of the 4.5 second ride involve a free fall from what feels-like several hundred feet above the ground (even though it is in reality just over six stories tall). 

Many times in the past, I have laughed at the fear and plunged over the starting gate of this adrenaline-pumping slide. However, without fail, each and every time that I have sat at the beginning of that drop off, the initial fear was all-consuming, causing life-reviewing hesitation. 

No Expectations 

I find myself meditatively sitting at the top of the waterslide, feet first, staring with fright at the ground far below. The fear of letting go of my security, of surrendering to the fall before me, consumes my soul. 

Suddenly I become little eleven-year-old Bobby at the top of that slide. In my lap is precocious little three-year-old Sharon, hugging me, encouraging me with love, gently coaxing me to let go and to just try it. 

“One time won’t hurt you.” Sharon whispers in Bobby’s ear. “Nothing bad will happen. You might even have some fun.” 

Bobby is terrified. He will not let go, clinging tightly to the edge while staring at the drop-off in front of him. 

“Don’t have any expectations.” Sharon begins to coach. “You might not even like it, but you need to trust yourself enough to at least find out. The ride is safe … you will not get hurt … and if you don’t like it, you will never have to do it again.” 

He Likes It 

Finally Bobby lets go, racing down the slide, terrified by the initial seconds of surrender, but giggling as he quickly reaches the long flat section at ground level – a place where he has to carefully readjust his swim suit before standing up with delight. 

Soon, Bobby again sits at the top, reviewing his short life as he repeatedly gathers his courage to make another adrenaline-inducing run. A third time gives way to a fourth, a fifth, and a sixth. 

Each time becomes easier, more fun and less fearful. This beautiful little boy has found the courage to do something that once seemed impossible – and he likes it. 

Continued Island 

As I continue in this profound meditation, I begin to feel the feminine energies from Mother Earth dancing in the lower regions of my heart chakra. Gradually, they meander their way through my chest, touching on everything in their path with delightful vibration, eventually reaching the shoulders and base of my neck. To my surprise, I am unable to further move the delightful and pleasurable energy – unable to coax it to rise any higher. 

I had earlier succeeded in bringing down the masculine energy from above, but this lower feminine energy is blocked from rising. My heart continues to be an island, not being allowed to share this loving life-force energy in the upward-flowing direction. 

Another huge wave of fear consumes me. This energy, which I believe would be called Kundalini energy in some traditions, wants to rise up, desperately desiring to flow higher, but it is absolutely blocked at the base of my neck – refusing to budge. The feminine Mother-Earth energy is incapable of rising any higher. 

Crippling Fear 

Again I envision little Bobby at the top of the Jagged Edge, facing his fears, repeatedly pushing past the terrifying blocks that have crippled him from moving forward.  

Several times during these imagined water-slide escapades, the energy in my body briefly spurts up through my neck in indescribable pleasure – giving me glimpses of what an unobstructed life-force energy flow must actually feel like. But the flow continues to block, the fear continues to consume and control, warning of frightening consequences should the energies be allowed to rise. 

Masculine Ruin 

Suddenly, the metaphorical journey takes a new and powerful twist. Instead of being at the top of the Jagged Edge waterslide, little Bobby is now at home in his bedroom, struggling all alone with the confusion of feminine and masculine energies that surge powerfully through his body. 

As this genuine-hearted little eleven-year-old dresses in feminine clothing, feeling the life-force power of expressed femininity pleasurably consuming his consciousness, he is suddenly thwarted by what he has been taught is a horrible evil. The feminine feelings have triggered deeply-unwanted masculine energy responses in his innocent young body. While the energies themselves bring great physical pleasure, the masculine release creates horrendous sexual shame and guilt. 

“If only I could experience this beautiful feminine energy without that horrible masculine result, I would be in heaven.” I feel Bobby whisper with confusion. 

“This ugly disgusting masculine appendage always ruins everything.” He adds with shame and frustration. 

Pervasive Hatred And Fear 

This beautiful little Bobby was so confused by the life-force energies that were blocked in his lower chakras, unable to flow through normal channels. He hated his body; he hated how that horrible sexual stuff always ruined his feminine exploration. 

He felt like a pervert. Shame became the primary fluid that ran through his veins. Self-love was virtually nonexistent. 

To little Bobby, it was quite clear that feminine energy is delightful and highly pleasurable, and that masculine energy ruins literally everything. 

No wonder this hatred and fear of masculine energy continues to permeate my subconscious. 

Empath Mode 

From an entirely new vantage point, I begin to smother little Bobby with huge waves of unconditional love – but he cannot receive it, seemingly rejecting everything I send in his direction. 

Instead, Bobby simply cries, drowning in self-hatred. 

Bobby’s surge of hopelessness and self-deprecating emotions are so strong that I briefly cry right along with him. I feel his pain profoundly, for his pain is my own. 

But before I become lost in the anguish, I intuitively switch to empath mode, hoping to find a new way to help, to heal, and to release the profound reservoir of inner pain and self-hatred – a self-hatred that also reeks with an intense hatred for anything stereotypically masculine. 

Meditative Empath Training 

At age eleven, this beautiful little boy had forgotten all about his empath abilities. He was hopelessly drowning in oceans of emotional density, barely managing to tread water. 

When I begin to move Bobby’s dense-energy for him, I feel it rise up into my heart, where I fill it with unconditional self-love before releasing it to the angels for full transmutation. As I do so, I sense an intuitive nudge telling me to teach this struggling little boy how do to this magical energy moving all by himself – to help him remember that this ability lies dormant within. 

As I begin to energetically teach this eleven-year-old inner child of mine, little Sharon suddenly jumps back into the meditation and insists that she wants to be the one to teach him. As she does so, I make one simple request. 

“Send as much density as you can straight to the angels for transmutation,” I ask this confused little boy, “but if you struggle with any of it, please have Sharon send the rest directly to my heart, where I will personally help you with it.” 

Loving Time Travel 

“You had these abilities in you at age eleven,” I whisper to beautiful little Bobby. “You are a magical little boy, filled with divine love. Those around you were wrong, teaching you to shut down and to live in a tightly-restrictive box. That period of your life was not the time to try to convince them otherwise.” 

“You have every reason to love and to cherish yourself.” I whisper further. “You will have difficult times ahead of you. Please, remember and internalize this self-love as you grow up. One day you will indeed understand and reawaken to the beauty of who you really are.” 

Somehow, I understand that the past and future really are simultaneous, that the past is now, and that this subconscious message of love will indeed bless that young boy of so many years ago. 

Tantalizing Teasing 

As I further sink into this beautiful meditation, I begin to feel the life-force energy leaking upward past the horizontal wall at the base of my neck. I experience a beautiful flow of energy from the very base of my root chakra all the way to the tip of my crown – a delightful and extremely pleasurable, almost orgasmic stream of energy that powerfully consumes and overwhelms my body. 

Part of me reacts with fear, wondering what is about to happen next. Part of me begs for more, desperately trying to relax and to hang onto the beautiful flow. 

But to my dismay, the energy is merely another glimpse. Over the course of the next couple of hours, I briefly experience this divine delight several more times, but the flow is fleeting, teasing me, showing me more of what lies ahead – but also reminding me that additional growth and healing remains to be accomplished before the treasure is more consistently accessible. 

Tough Times Ahead 

I meditate further with little Bobby, teaching him about the energy blocks that exist in our body at both the top and the bottom edges of our heart chakra. With his permission and blessing, I ask the angels to please (if it is appropriate) replace the shut-off valves with self-regulating pressure valves. These pressure valves will automatically regulate the flow of life-force energy. 

If Bobby experiences fear, that fear will automatically close the flow to make him feel safer. At times when he is able to relax into a beautiful space of unconditional love, the valves will open, allowing the life-force energy to flow once more. 

I have no idea if my self-regulating valve is a good idea, or if it will even work … but hey, it feels right at the time and I figure it is worth a try. Only time will tell. 

“The energies that you feel in your body are divine and not evil,” I tell little Bobby with love. “The less fear that you have, the more you will be able to learn about and utilize these beautiful energies during your tough times ahead.” 

New Levels Of Love 

I remain in this beautiful self-directed meditation for nearly three hours. Other than the initial discussion about my prickly-itchy-heat fears, and the brief channeling episode, Keith and I have barely communicated – not speaking at all during the core of this unbelievable inner journey. 

A part of me wishes that I could bask in this silent inner world for an eternity, but I know that time is limited. Eventually Keith and I open our eyes and begin to exchange brief words, both acknowledging that we are almost done with our own individual processes. 

“Wow,” I think to myself as I dry off and change. “This morning has been amazing and powerful – one of the most profound meditative experiences of my life – and I did it entirely without Keith’s guidance. I’m really proud of myself.” 

As I walk away from another unforgettable hot-springs experience, my heart overflows with new and powerful levels of self-love. 

To my utter amazement, my back is virtually pain free. The energy flow during meditation has yet-again cleared another layer of pain. Profound trust in the world of energies is establishing ever-firmer foundations in my soul. 

Difficulty Disclaimer 

Keith and I resume our journey toward the Mexican border shortly after mid-day. Our destination is the southernmost tip of Mexico, not too far from the Pacific coast. While driving through what-for-me is beautiful new countryside, Keith and I engage in nearly non-stop conversation. 

“Brenda, would you please emphasize something in your writing for me?” Keith asks at one point in the midst of a long discussion about my own difficult drawn-out healing path. 

Following is a paraphrased summary of what Keith asks me to share. 

“Brenda, because you have a mission to be a teacher, and because you are highly connected to the energies, you have needed to slog through every painful shutdown emotion while struggling to open your channels back up. You have literally needed to experience every situation through every possible angle as a part of your profound learning experience.” 

“Please emphasize that other people may or may not need to do the same. Some of them might just light up in an instant. Some will be able to move their emotional densities without needing to feel them to the deepest depths like you have had to do. Then again, some may have to dig deeply into the dark emotional containers of their past.” 

“When you showed up on my porch, you were so stuck in your left brain world that the energies literally had to drag you to your knees in order to help you to build trust around your experiences in the right brain reality – but not everyone is the same, not everyone has the same journey as you.” 

I am delighted to honor Keith’s “difficulty-disclaimer” request. Yes indeed, I fully understand the profound importance of every tedious and painful step along my journey, but like Keith, I too wish to emphasize that each of us has our own path to follow. With all my heart I desire to inspire others via my writing, but the last thing I wish to do is to scare anyone by implying that their path will be as profoundly intense and difficult as mine is proving to be. 

Please follow the breadcrumbs of your own heart – beautiful clues that will guide you in your own unique and specially designed treasure hunt. It is at the end of that synchronous path where each of our own beautiful treasures lay hidden. 

Synchronous Prospects 

Later in our conversation, Keith shares a tidbit of inner guidance that is strongly bubbling up inside him. It seems that this last season of almost-daily classes has been a very profound and satisfying experience for him. As Keith has continued to mull over thoughts about leaving for some type of international tour, his inner guidance reminds him of how rewarding it has been to work with many individuals on a longer-term basis – something he cannot do when traveling from city to city. 

“Brenda,” Keith then shocks me, “I think I am going to start another round of five-day-per-week classes in the fall – probably beginning around late October. If you are still here, I would love to have you participate.” 

He goes on to tell me that I am far enough along in my process that he believes I would be able to step it up a notch, acting more as an assistant – at least when my own process does not require me to focus on personal issues. 

Clueless Rational Mind 

Keith’s words catch me completely unprepared. I have been living completely in the moment, absolutely clueless about the future, simply trusting that all will become clear when the time is right. The only sure thing in my mind is that I am not leaving San Marcos until my writing is up to date. Thoughts about traveling somewhere else or maybe going home are only that – passing thoughts. 

The possibility of remaining in San Marcos for another year has not even been on the radar … well maybe it was just a faint little blip blinking dimly over at the edge of the screen. 

It blows me away when I suddenly begin talking to Keith as if I am for-sure staying, even though I have not given the idea even one moment of focused meditation. 

Something in my heart resonates “Yes Brenda, you are staying.” 

“I need to go home for a couple of months this summer.” I blurt out unexpectedly to Keith. “I need to visit family and friends since I will be gone for another year.”

It seems that my heart has already made up my mind for me. 

In the logical eyes of rational mind, absolutely nothing is yet locked in concrete – and anything remains possible … 

But a strong sense of inner knowing tells me that rational mind hasn’t got a clue what it is talking about. 

A Night In Limbo 

After a beautiful ride over the mountains and down the hot and humid tropical slopes on the Pacific coastal side of Guatemala, Keith and I eventually pass through customs and arrive at the large sprawling metropolis of Tapachula, Mexico. I am actually quite surprised by the modern western feeling to this town, and the shopping here rivals that of many state-side suburbs. 

Keith and I spend considerable time shopping in two huge department stores – both being larger, cleaner, and better stocked than many such stores back home. 

Shortly before dark we head back toward the border, about thirty minutes away. We hope to either find an extremely inexpensive place to stay, or even perhaps slip back through the border on the same day – if they will let us. 

As it turns out, we successfully exit Mexican customs, but the lady on the Guatemala side will not allow us through. We are briefly stuck in limbo, not officially residing in either country. 

In the midst of a huge tropical rainstorm, Keith and I manage to find a tiny hotel on the Guatemala side of the border – a hotel in which we can rent two separate tiny-but-adequate rooms, each costing only 100 Quetzales (the equivalent of about $13.00 US). 

Return To San Marcos 

At 4:45 a.m. on Tuesday morning, Keith and I gather our belongings, meet up in the hallway, pack up his truck, and successfully pass through Guatemalan customs. Soon, we are back on our way toward Xela and then Lake Atitlan. 

To my delight, Keith takes me on a guided tourist-detour, driving high up into the rain-forest-like slopes of the tall volcanic mountains that border the eastern side of Xela. Shortly before 8:00 a.m., after an incredible high-mountain drive with gorgeous vistas, Keith parks his little truck near the large wholesale market in Xela. After we both stock up on supplies of fruits, vegetables, and nuts, Keith momentarily stops at an ATM, gratefully sparing me another time-consuming weekly trip to Panajachel for more cash. 

To my surprise and delight, I am back in my apartment shortly after mid-day, feeling emotionally alive and energized while at the same time being physically exhausted. 

Preacher Taming 

I spend the remainder of Tuesday either sleeping or meditating. I revisit eleven-year-old little Bobby while working on further releasing reservoirs of guilt and shame acquired during the confusing struggles through which he passed. 

Later that evening, after a long dream-filled nap, I again enter meditation – this time encountering an angry preacher standing on his soap-box inside of my solar plexus. This bible-thumping screamer is dumping hate and judgment onto my little boy. 

I attempt to send love to this hate-mongering preacher, but I am incapable. Apparently I continue to harbor considerable resentment toward his type. Recognizing that the energy of this hate-spewing preacher is actually residing inside of my own solar plexus, I plead with Higher Self for some assistance. It is time to let go of this toxic self-hatred. 

Soon, little Sharon grabs the preacher’s hand and escorts him out into the meadow behind my heart – the destination being a long and loving chat with Higher Self. Somewhere in the midst of this ongoing saga, I fall asleep. 

The last two days – no, make that the last two weeks – have been emotionally and physically exhausting. It is time for a much deserved rest. 

Quotes From Carl Gustav Jung 

As I prepare to wrap up my writing for today, my mind is continually drawn to two quotes by Carl Gustav Jung – a former contemporary of Sigmund Freud. Jung was an amazing and gifted psychologist who pioneered profound understanding into the workings of the subconscious mind. 

Just today, as I wrote about Keith’s difficulty-disclaimer, I received a timely email from Keith containing these full quotes. 

This first Carl Jung quote is from “Contributions to Analytical Psychology (1928). P.193: 

“People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own souls. They will practice Indian yoga and all its exercises, observe a strict regimen of diet, learn theosophy by heart, or mechanically repeat mystic text from the literature of the whole world – all because they cannot get on with themselves and have not the slightest faith that anything useful could ever come out of their own souls. Thus the soul has gradually been turned into a Nazareth from which nothing good can come. Therefore, let us fetch it from the four corners of the earth – the more far-fetched and bizarre it is the better!” 

This second Carl Jung quote is from The Philosophical Tree (1945). In CW 13: Alchemical Studies. P.355: 

“Filling the conscious mind with ideal conceptions is a characteristic of Western theosophy, but not the confrontation with the shadow and the world of darkness. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. The latter procedure, however, is disagreeable and therefore not popular.” 

No Shortcuts 

Yes, I stand by and fully agree with Keith’s powerful disclaimer, letting people know that we each have our own path, and that not everyone’s path will be as tedious or as agonizingly difficult as mine has often been. Some people may indeed light up with minimal effort. 

But I firmly believe that there are common elements to all of our paths.

Dense emotional energies are very real – they clog our energy fields and manifest in very physical, often painful ways. We cannot move into the next dimension while emotional densities continue to clog our life-force channels. While the form and intensity of our emotional journeys is indeed unique and individual, there are no shortcuts that allow us to avoid our buried emotional densities. These dense energies must be uncovered and brought into the light for transmutation. 

The Light Of Understanding 

As Carl Jung points out so eloquently, we tend to look everywhere throughout the four corners of the world in search of the magical answers – but those answers lie within our own souls. We must go deep into the subconscious mind and bring the hidden darkness back out into the conscious realm where it can then be healed by the light. 

There are trauma/drama methods of releasing this density, and there are ways to do it with the assistance of higher vibration energies – but moving the density in one form or another is an absolute necessity if we wish to raise our own vibrations. 

The trauma/drama approach does indeed work, but it is extremely slow and painful, especially when played out in relationships. 

There are many cases in my own path where trauma/drama remains necessary – not the kind of trauma drama played out in the world, but the kind physically experienced and cried out in a controlled and loving environment. My own path continues to require that I deeply feel and experience certain buried densities, right to the very core. 

It delights me however, that I am finally learning to use the much faster method of partnering with higher vibration energies as an integral part of speeding up my process. It is actually quite fun. 

To my wondrous delight, these densities seem to just disappear when brought into the powerful light of unconditional love – but they must be found by us and brought to that light, not the other way around. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Energetic Understandings 

As I awaken on Sunday morning, the first day of May, I am completely non-functional. The pain in my left shoulder blade remains intense, and the energy flow in my body is stagnant, as if it is non-existent. 

Still being unable to focus on writing, I contemplate the possibility of reading, but something inside refuses to even entertain that thought – it would require too much concentration. 

“I’ll just listen to some music then.” I think to myself. 

When I grab my IPOD, I am shocked to discover that the battery is so dead that it will not even turn on.  

“I guess I’m not supposed to listen to music this morning.” I chuckle numbly, recognizing that everything happens for a reason. 

As I attempt to meditate, I experience nothing but a feeling of deadness and hopelessness. I spend the entire morning in this funk, devoid of motivation, empty inside, feeling the futility of a grieving little girl who felt forced to commit energetic suicide so very long ago. Yes, it seems that my heart is indeed broken. 

Painful Contemplations 

As I slowly and numbly sit down on an overstuffed pillow before the afternoon chocolate ceremony, I beg Higher Self for some type of relief or understanding. 

“I don’t know how much more of this painful grieving that I can handle.” I think to myself in desperation. 

Just before the start of ceremony, I briefly explain to Keith exactly where I am at – but he offers neither advice nor guidance, simply acknowledging that I am in the middle of profound growth. 

For the next four hours, I flounder in a disconnected state of pain and shutdown. Keith literally leaves me alone to figure this one out by myself. There is no doubt that he is constantly monitoring my progress – but his guidance seems to be telling him that this is a process of self-discovery through which I must pass on my own. I understand and recognize the wisdom in this inner knowing. 

During these long hours of agonizing struggle, I sink deeper and deeper into emotional pain – far more intensely than even yesterday. My eyes are red and swollen, and the grey hair around my face becomes moist and snarled as I collapse forward in wave after wave of gut-wrenching sobs. Piles of wet and scrunched up tissue litter the floor beside me, growing thicker by the minute. 

At one point I overhear Keith tell a few of the new people about what I am doing. His words of loving support, even though not directed to me, provide deep comfort and allow me to further embrace my painful process. To others on the porch, I must appear to be an emotional basket-case. They probably think I am close to being carted off and locked up in an insane asylum. 

I am lost in the depths of pain – the pain of a frightened and lonely three year old child – a child faced with the stark reality of committing energetic suicide, experiencing the same hopelessness, futility, terror, and sadness into which I regressed yesterday – but the emotional pain seems greatly magnified to even more intense levels. 

The profound physical pain in my left shoulder blade only adds to the sense of despair that seems to encourage me to collapse and just give up. 

Unsolvable Riddles 

Several times during these excruciatingly difficult hours, I reach out for assistance.

“Keith,” I beg in desperation, “Is there anything you can say or do to help me with this agonizing process?” 

I am so deeply engrossed in the pain and confusion that Keith’s answers seem like hopelessly unsolvable riddles – giving me absolutely no help whatsoever. Keith’s answers fall on deaf ears, slipping through my mind as if they had never been spoken. My state of helpless confusion will simply not allow me to focus or concentrate. 

And I continue to spiral ever deeper. 

A Timely Interruption 

By around 4:30 p.m., only Serg and I remain on the porch with Keith. I continue to wallow in profoundly agonizing emotional and physical pain – and I continue to grapple with the meditative process all by myself. 

Just as I believe that maybe he might now turn to focus on me – to help me find resolution or clarity in my process – Keith is unexpectedly interrupted by a beautiful couple who show up at his gate with a desire to know more about what he does. 

For the next thirty minutes, Keith talks to this couple as if Serg and I are not even present on the porch. Both of us continue to grapple solo with our own individual emotional journeys. 

A whiny part of me begins to feel quite annoyed, crying out that I am a victim, pointing fingers at Keith for callously abandoning me in my deepest of struggles. 

But a beautifully empowered part of me knows better, beginning to lightly tap me on the shoulder with intuitive whispers. 

“Hello, Brenda. Are you there?” The Jedi voices call out to me. “Remember how every time that some bizarre interruption happens here on the porch that it always serves you in a powerful way?” 

“Remember how such interruptions always lead you back to a profound realization that you, yourself, are creating your reality?” 

“Well I have news for you,” the intuitive whispers continue, “you, yourself, are creating this interruption?”  

For Me To Solve 

“Yes indeed, this interruption is my creation.” I ponder with confusion. “Now why did I create this? What could I possibly gain from such a feeling of abandonment?” 

“Why would I want people to come to the porch in the middle of my deepest and darkest pain,” I further ponder, “distracting Keith from helping me?” 

I almost laugh at the absurdity of this question, given the fact that I have received no help now for over four excruciating emotional-release-filled hours. Why would another thirty minutes matter in the least? 

I fully understand why Keith has left me alone … he trusts me … he knows that I know what I am doing … he knows that there is nothing he can add to my process right now … he knows that this one is for me to solve. 

The Bigger Scheme 

Chaos begins to consume me as I wrestle with the paradox of illusory reality. I briefly start to feel bombarded by old and familiar energies of confusion. But I resist that trap. I will not slip further into ego. 

“I am watching The Muppet Show!” A flash of insight suddenly interrupts my thoughts, powerfully flooding my consciousness. 

“This entire scene today on Keith’s porch is one huge stage play.” I ponder with power. “None of it, and I mean NONE of it, is to be taken seriously.” 

“Today I am an actress on the stage of The Muppet Show – my emotions are all part of this stage play – and it has all been created and performed for my learning and understanding.” 

“None of these emotions define me now … it is all just experience in the bigger scheme of things.” I ponder. 

A Higher Perspective 

“Yes,” I ponder with deep clarity, “regressing today into the overwhelming emotions of my dear three-year-old self has been a profound and necessary learning experience.” 

“But I have now gone deep enough.” The realizations flow faster. “It is time to remember that what I am feeling is only the past – that the past is only a dream – that I have now experienced that painful illusory memory to the very core.” 

“It is time to raise myself back to a higher vibration,” I gather my determination. “It is time to wake up from this past dream and bring myself back to the present so that I can see it all from a much higher perspective – a perspective of unconditional love and divine connection.” 

Return To Peace 

As I attempt to break free, to wake up and return to the present, the painful reality of that little child hangs on with scratching fingernails. I continue to occupy the emotions of that tiny child, profoundly experiencing the perceived victimization of this helpless young toddler. 

Part of me viciously demands that I must remain in that excruciating reality, insisting that I have to relive and re-experience the pain until some type of magical intervention first heals me. 

I waffle back and forth, struggling to wake up with empowerment then slipping back into painful hopelessness. Those deep and dark emotional densities seem to wrap huge chains around me, pulling me ever downward. 

At last, after about thirty minutes of tug-of-war, I begin to experience the beautiful vibration of light, love, and higher energies flooding my body. I continue to feel the nightmare pulling me back, but I am almost free, finally beginning to feel the peace and hope. 

A Treasure Chest 

Suddenly, Keith interrupts his long and meandering off-topic discussion with the young couple – the ones who had interrupted the ceremony. 

“Do you two want to join us in the high vibration energy here on the porch?” Keith asks the couple. 

It becomes quite clear that Keith has been following my energy all along. The very moment that I begin to return to a higher state, he responds on cue. As our two new guests position themselves across the porch, they both comment on how much energy they feel flowing around them. 

While this goes on, I continue to build strength as I focus on fully waking up from the lucid nightmare. I further ponder about the symbolisms of the movie “Inception”, imagining myself in the process of being “pushed” – of being suddenly woken up from a dream within a dream. 

At last I feel as if what minutes-ago was painful agony is now nothing but a profound memory – a memory that brings with it an overflowing treasure-chest of understanding – understanding that could not have been acquired in any other way. 

I have gone exactly where I needed to go, and now I am back. 

Gratitude again fills my heart; Regrets are nonexistent. 

Energetic Disappointment 

I am finally wide awake in the present-day dream, done with victimization, feeling the light flowing through me once more. 

But the physical pain – the intense pain in my upper back, lower neck area, and my left shoulder blade – continues to relentlessly persist. My new profound levels of understanding are giving me no physical relief, no release from the intense body agony. 

“Keith,” I beg. “After having spent two days uncovering and processing all of this emotional pain, do you think it would now be appropriate to do a physical manipulation on my back?” 

“Yes,” Keith smiles after checking in with his internal guidance. 

When I lie face-down on a double layer of foam cushions, Keith carefully pops the vertebrae of my lower back, releasing a loud popping/crunching sound as he does so – but it is not the lower back that hurts. 

As Keith does the same on the upper back, nothing happens – no popping whatsoever. There is no relief to be found. 

“Sorry Brenda,” Keith shares after again checking with higher energies. “The rest of the pain is still energetic.” 

“There will be no more physical manipulation,” Keith adds to my disappointment and dismay. “You need to work it out energetically.” 

Work Together 

“My right shoulder is still hurting too.” Serg reminds Keith just a moment later. 

I continue to be blown away as Serg’s ongoing journey mirrors my own in an uncanny way. It seems that whenever I go into any deep emotional process, Serg launches into an almost identical one – in his own way of course. 

“You two need to work together on this.” Keith surprises me. 

Magical Hands 

Serg skillfully guides me into the same meditation that the two of us practiced together for the first time, just last week – the same one in which I invite masculine energy from the Father above, envisioning it flowing down into my crown and along the outside front of my body. Gradually, the energy penetrates through each of my chakras, filtering toward the back of my body where it joins a flow of feminine energy from Mother Earth – a flow that returns up my spine toward the crown. 

“Allow the father energy to flow into your field.” Serg guides me. “Allow the compassion energies to fill you. Then relax and allow the mother to love you …” 

Gradually the energies begin to flow, soon reaching levels where I feel them with physical senses. I seem to be guiding the flow of energy using my will. The energies move slowly as I experience their gentle pressure and tingling presence. 

Over time, I feel the energies pooling at the sight of my pain in the shoulders and spine. Using the love of my heart and the power of my solar plexus, I begin to pull the energy upward. I cannot explain how I do it, or even why I know that I can do it, I just do it. Using some type of magical inner hands, I grab the energy, pushing, pulling and nudging, urging the energy to move, to rise up into my neck. 

Astounded 

As I do so, I feel small blobs of the excruciating pain in my shoulder blade begin to move into my spine and upward toward the neck. Very quickly, I experience a severe painful clogging in the back of my neck. An image pops into my mind, as if my spinal column is a long skinny pipe, with the drain being at the top of my crown. But the pipe is deeply clogged with stagnant, stuck, and persistent blockages all along the way. 

As the pain reaches the back-center of my neck, it is excruciatingly stuck, like a pressurized hose plugged with mud. The pain in my neck desperately wants to move up, but is incapable of moving beyond the mud. 

Calling in my little girl’s help, grabbing my wand, and using all the unseen inner magic I can imagine, I push and pull on that clog. Gradually I feel it move up an inch. When I momentarily breathe, I feel it begin to slip back down. Again, I make another intense will-power push, feeling the clogged pain slide another inch or two upward, reaching the upper neck, just below the skull. 

For fifteen or twenty minutes, I struggle with this initial clog, gradually coaxing the painful energy upward. Once it enters the back of my skull, I engage an imaginary-but-intuitively-felt beacon that seems to emanate from the center of my head. I aim the beacon at the clog and pull the beacon up, gradually convincing the clog to flow upward. In tiny movements, I coax the painful blob along the center-line of my head, up the back of my skull and around the curve, finally flowing easily from that point until it quickly exits the center of my crown. 

I am astounded by what I am doing. I actually feel the pain moving, literally leaving my body. 

Divine Drain Cleaner 

I have no idea what I am doing, but it is amazing. I return focus back to my upper shoulders and repeat the process, moving clog after clog, over and over again for nearly an hour. Each clog requires great heart-focus and mind-concentration, taking with it a small chunk of what I had believed to be physical body pain. Gradually the pain in my shoulder diminishes as the energy begins to flow more freely in my body. 

It is like the pain in my shoulder and spine is nothing but stuck heavy waste that is being dissolved and released with the assistance of a divine form of drain cleaner. 

A Resistant Heart 

As my shoulder pain begins to reduce, another area of my body demands my immediate attention. It seems that I am now experiencing a new and painful tightness in the front of my heart chakra.  

Remembering that pain is resistance, I wonder what it is that I am still resisting. 

“It must be the masculine energy coming down from above.” I intuitively ponder as I think about my life-long quarrel with the realm of rejected masculine force. 

“My heart is clenched and terrified at the thought of allowing more of this masculine flow.” The inner voices whisper. 

Lovingly, I focus on relaxing my heart – relaxing my entire chest cavity – attempting to coax my heart into conscious surrendering – to allow myself to be penetrated by an energy that apparently still stirs up great terror in my soul. 

Circle Of Pain 

Minutes later, after first experiencing what I can only describe as a tug-of-war battle of yes-no-yes-no resistance in my heart, I suddenly feel an intense sensation of relaxation in my chest cavity – a relaxation that also spreads instantly into my shoulders. 

With the increased relaxation, I again resume the process of moving blobs of pain from my shoulder, nudging them up my neck, pushing them past clogs, and releasing them from the top of my head. 

About ten minutes later, an intense small circle of pain manifests itself, right at the very center of my heart.  

A Pain-Free Flow 

Using logic, I begin to use my will to pull this pain from the front of my heart, back to the spine, and then merge it with the flow of pain still leaving my shoulder. But as I do so, the increased painful energy tightly clogs in my neck, so tightly that intense effort is required to slowly move the painful blobs up, around the curve of my skull, and out the top. The work becomes slow and horrendously tedious. 

“Something is not working.” I think to myself as I again focus inward, calling in Higher Self to assist – to give me more guidance. 

Soon I feel guided to hook up an imaginary fire hose to the front of my heart, instructing the new pain in my heart to leave in a different channel – flowing directly to the front rather than attempting to cycle it around through the back of my body. After about ten minutes, I stabilize what are now two amazing flows of painful energy – putting them both mostly on autopilot. 

While the pain continues to hurt, I feel it literally moving and leaving my body. I love the experience. Over time, I gradually ask the higher energies to increase the flows to maximum speed – greatly reducing the time and effort on my part. 

Consuming Excitement 

For another hour and a half, I sit silently in meditation working with the energies while they gradually empty what feels like a huge reservoir of yucky, dirty emotional density – density that has caused real physical pain – pain that I feel moving in amazing ways. 

I am blown away by the amount of energy that continues to flow – by the profound volume of previously-unknown emotional pain that has continued to be stored inside of me. 

Gradually, I experience pleasurable and light-filled clarity in my chest.  When I finally end the process at shortly after 8:00 p.m., my back is alive with vibrant flowing energy, and I am literally pain free – except for the occasional residual sharp twinges that make themselves known before quickly flowing up and out. 

Excitement consumes my soul as I ponder the profound significance of what is happening to me. 

New Perceptions 

For a short while, I engage both Serg and Keith in a giggly conversation about the unbelievable sensations and insights that are filling my conscious awareness. I am overwhelmed with joyful delight by insights about how all of my physical pain is nothing but energy that can be magically moved and released (once the lessons have been learned of course). 

While I talk, I continue to feel the occasional painful blob suddenly surface – a little residual chunk of density that momentarily gets stuck in my neck as it works its way up and out my crown. 

Intuitions tell me that these little blobs are letting me know that I am not yet done, but that I have experienced an amazing and life-changing process – a process that gives me an entirely new and undeniable perception of so-called reality. 

Confirmed Theory 

Before leaving for home, I engage Keith in a quick conversation regarding my theory that the emotional pains in my left shoulder blade had originated from the pools of pain that were left sitting in my heart as I fell asleep late on Friday evening. During the night, the unreleased emotional pain had settled downward, directly below the heart, taking up new residence in the shoulder blade. 

I am delighted as Keith confirms that my theory makes a great deal of sense.  

“From now on,” I think to myself, “I will pay much closer attention to the little unreleased emotional densities that I continue to play with in my body.” 

Fostering Trust 

As I slowly stroll home in the dark, a few additional densities dance around in my back and shoulders. But the energy in my body is flowing so beautifully that these painful energies easily flow with it, quickly exiting my body and leaving me in peace. 

It is nearly 9:20 p.m. when I finally finish my notes and consume a quick bowl of rice and beans. 

I am excited, energized, and eager to lie down in bed so I can quickly resume the profound meditation. I love basking in the flow of these vibrant life-force energies. As I observe what is happening to me, occasional waves of little prickly pains continue to surface. When they do, I consciously direct these pains into the flow, lovingly sending them out of my body and on their way to transmutation. 

As the night grows late, I become tired and weary, choosing to end my meditation, even though I know that I am not done. I am desperate for sleep and trust that if more energy settles and causes me pain tomorrow, that it too will be movable via meditation – and that such an experience will simply foster additional growth and trust in the process. 

Undeniable Insights 

As I finally drift off to sleep on this beautiful Sunday evening, I briefly reflect on what has turned out to be a powerful and amazing day – a day bringing profound understanding into the intense heartache that would drive a desperate little child to commit energetic suicide – a day bringing unbelievable and undeniable insight into the energetic nature of what we call our physical body. 

The manner in which I see emotions and energy will never be the same. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Mornings have always been a difficult challenge for me. Ego has assembled an arsenal of clever pickup lines designed to convince me of the countless reasons why getting up in the wee morning hours will surely result in failure and exhaustion. Each and every morning when I awaken, Ego continues to saunter over with these same tempting pickup lines, inviting me to join him for a delightful morning cup of sleepiness, self-flogging delay-tactics, and even feelings of mild depression. 

On this final Friday in April I simply thank those old and familiar voices for faithfully sharing their once-revered opinions, and I then proceed to ignore them. After two beautiful Skype conversations, another amazing Mer-Ka-Ba meditation, studying some Spanish, and even doing a Tarot reading on myself, I race off to Keith’s porch feeling delightfully energized and proud of myself. 

Endings and Beginnings 

The porch is quite crowded considering that we are now in rainy season. Ten people squeeze into this magical playground on Keith’s final regularly-scheduled Friday session of the season, and possibly for the year. After today, at least for now, public ceremonies will only occur on Sundays and Wednesdays. 

Part of me feels sad, while I simultaneously inhale a deep sigh of relief. Five and sometimes six or seven days of intense emotional work, week after week, month after month, can be extremely taxing. It is definitely time to begin slowing down and shifting gears. 

I am eager and excited for the increased opportunity to begin writing – to begin catching up on what is rapidly approaching an eight-week backlog of unwritten stories – powerful healing stories that my heart longs to integrate and share. The journey has been intense, leaving countless loose ends begging for the opportunity of a second round of loving attention. 

But that increase in writing will need to wait a few more days. 

Baby Steps 

As I sit meditating in the glow, basking in divine light, I observe my body. Surprisingly, at least for now, my lower chakras are pain free and my heart vibrates with confidence and power. Yet I continue to experience the metaphorical sensation of a tight belt squeezing the boundary between heart and solar plexus, and that pesky little third-eye continues to exude a feeling of muffled cloudiness. 

Gradually, as Keith makes his rounds with others, I feel myself connecting with their energy, allowing some of their painful emotional densities to move through me. Today it seems that I have a strong propensity to further explore the possibilities of embracing long-forgotten energy gifts, taking little baby steps to build trust and confidence in the realm of seeing myself as a recovering empath. 

As I connect with each person, one by one, I feel as if painful blobs of emotional density enter my body. I allow it to run through me, entering the front of my heart and then running down into my solar plexus. I have already hooked up a metaphorical fire hose to my solar plexus through which the pain is then released to Mother Earth (the way I do it) for transmutation back into light. 

I am quite amazed at how these painful little blobs feel as they move through me. I want to discount the process as being all in my head, yet the physical sensations literally mirror everything going on in my mind, firmly validating that this is indeed real. 

Paradoxical Puzzlement 

As Keith finally reaches my pillow by the kitchen door, I describe the process going on inside me. 

“Am I just making this all up?” I ask curiously. 

“No Brenda, you really are moving densities of others.” Keith validates my process after first checking in with his own guidance. 

“But some of what is moving through you is also from your own past lives.” Keith surprises me. 

“It is indeed entering through your heart, flowing down, and then leaving out of your solar plexus,” Keith validates, “but I am also guided to tell you that what is flowing out of your solar plexus is not all emotional density … part of that flow is clean energy.” 

“I wonder what that means.” I ponder with paradoxical puzzlement. “Why would part of the energy that I am releasing be pure light energy? Wouldn’t I send that up to my heart?” 

A Prickly Parade Of Energy 

As I continue to observe the powerful flow of energy – the flow grows increasingly more prickly and painful. The whole experience is quite amazing and mind boggling. I am delighted by the fact that my own inner intuitions are being validated, both by actual physical sensations and through Keith’s verbal reassurance. 

I am happy to simply sit on the sidelines, watching this dazzling parade of painful energies. But it seems that two women in the group are beginning to sink deeply into childhood shutdown energies of their own – causing me to further ponder my own ongoing emotional excavations. 

Painful Energy Fences 

As I shift observation modes, the flow of energy ceases to pass through me. Almost simultaneously I experience a gradual buildup of painful bulging pressure in my solar plexus, directly above the belly button. Then the pain forms distinct patterns, as if sharp and prickly horizontal ridges of thorns are aligning themselves in rows at the upper part of my abdomen, just below the rib cage – rows that feel like barbed wire fences. 

A Feeling Of Fixing 

While monitoring the amazing energy activity in my own abdomen, I sense an internal nudge guiding me to pay more attention to others. 

As one young woman on the porch sinks deeper into her own childhood exploration, she leans forward on her bench and begins to cry with deep emotion. Meanwhile, Keith continues working with a woman directly across from me. To my surprise, Serg stands up, walks across the porch, sits down on the bench beside the deeply emotional young woman, and begins to guide her in yogic energy techniques. 

I lightly tap Keith on his back before leaning forward to whisper in his ear. 

“Keith,” I share my concern, “I’m getting the strong feeling of fixing energy … that what Serg is doing is not helping that young woman’s process.” 

Keith briefly checks his own guidance, looks back at me, nods his head in agreement, and lets me know that he will take care of it. Keith then resumes what he was doing. 

I simply watch and learn with love and detachment. 

A Shocking Shift 

A few minutes later, Keith stands up, returns to his green camping chair, and briefly interrupts Serg’s work. 

“Is what Serg is doing helping you?” Keith asks the young woman with loving concern. 

“Well, Yeah …,” she begins to respond before pausing. “But now that you mention it, I can see that he is distracting me from what I was beginning to go into.” 

Keith has cleverly helped this young woman to recognize when someone else’s energy is not serving her. 

“Serg,” Keith then shocks me with his next statement, “you are trying to fix your mother.” 

Keith goes on to explain to Serg that when he was a child, he constantly experienced his mother’s pain (because he is an empath). He desperately did everything he could to prevent her from having to feel the pain. 

Surrogate Senses 

Suddenly Serg goes into deep struggle with his own process – starting to sink into profound emotion while attempting to prevent himself from doing so. It feels contrary to his life conditioning and his structured yogic training. He wants to understand why he must go into this emotion, struggling to comprehend how going into these deeply rooted negative emotions can possibly serve up a positive outcome. 

As I watch and participate in this unfolding discussion, I begin to experience profound pain in my abdomen. The sensation is so painful that I curl forward in deep agony, as if instinctively attempting to protect myself. 

“Serg,” I interject from across the porch, “I am feeling your deeply buried emotions – the emotional pain that you will not allow yourself to feel or access.” 

Peacekeeper 

Keith soon confirms that I am indeed feeling Serg’s own repressed pain, but he also clarifies that much of what I am experiencing is my own profound process – something triggered deep inside of me. 

“Did I try to fix my own mother when I was little?” I ponder deeply. 

“YES!” The answer to this question resonates powerfully in my heart. 

Insights and memories begin to flood my consciousness as I find myself rapidly regressing to the age of a young child, perhaps in the range of three to seven years old.

I experience profound memories of deeply experiencing my mother’s hurt and pain – pain that I absorbed whenever she became sad or disappointed about something that one of my siblings might have done, or that I may have done to displease her. 

I remember vowing to myself at a very young age that I would never do anything to make my mother hurt like that – that I would do everything in my power to please her and to make her happy. 

Being a peacekeeper seems to have been a profound theme of my emotionally sensitive childhood. Witnessing the emotional pain of others has always caused me deep heartache. Of this fact, my memories are quite clear – I just never understood that the heartache was so literal. 

Double The Density 

“I am storing huge reservoirs of density from my mother.” I suddenly recognize with intuitive clarity. “I internalized all of her heartache and sadness. I desperately wanted her to be happy.” 

The insights begin to flow with profound clarity. 

“All of this density is stored deeply in the lower areas of my second chakra.” I ponder. “It has been locked away in seclusion, right alongside of my own huge and hidden reservoirs of painful sexual and creative repression.” 

“It is kind of like a double-shutdown.” I ponder to myself. 

Excruciating Roots 

Keith has occasionally told me how second-chakra densities can frequently have metaphorical roots that run very deep. Several times over the last few months, I have literally reached down into a layer of those stubborn densities, grabbing them with all of the energetic strength that I can muster, exerting great physical effort while painfully pulling with my heart and will. 

I know it makes no sense to rational mind, but somehow my heart and solar plexus know how to do this. Today I am intuitively guided to re-engage that profound heart-knowing while leaving my logical self alone where it can watch from the sidelines. 

As I imagine my heart reaching down and grabbing hold of deeply rooted pain, I begin to pull, and pull, and pull, and pull with all the power of my solar plexus. 

As I do so, huge painful emotions surge in my abdomen. As bits of these raging emotions enter my solar plexus, they beg for physical release. Within seconds I am collapsed over at the waist, overwhelmed with pain; tears quietly rush down my saturated cheeks while my gut shakes, my teeth chatter, and periodic coughs cause me to gasp for breath. 

As I pull and pull, each energetic effort is accompanied by yet another even deeper round of painful emotional release. 

Over and over I pull on what feels like a hopelessly stuck and bottomless supply of never-ending pain. 

Streams Of Shared Density 

“Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts. “I think it is time that you called in the angels.” 

“Yeah,” I respond weakly, “I was just thinking that same thought. I feel as if I have now felt enough of the deep pain to fully understand the treasure-filled lesson behind it.” 

Using my favorite metaphor that still seems to work for me, I ask the angels to hook up a fire hose to the top of my solar plexus. As I crank up the heart energy and ask it to run on autopilot, I experience an energized flow of emotional density that rises from my sacrum, up into the solar plexus, and then out to Mother Earth for transmutation. 

Just as I did yesterday, this intense energy flow continues for a very long time. At times I actually experience intuitive awareness of the pain that is running through me. I feel my mother’s sadness as she worries about the wellbeing of her children; I feel my own sadness as I worry about the wellbeing of my children. I experience my mother’s seriousness and concern about day-to-day duties, obligations and stresses; likewise I feel my own seriousness and concern about the same. 

A continuous stream of emotional pain flows through me – pain that I recognize as having originated with my mother, but as also having been programmed into me, becoming my own – pain that I had deeply internalized and now need to release. 

Searching For Answers 

“I feel a very positive and strong energy in my upper heart region.” I share with Keith as my very long journey with this flowing density continues. 

“It is in my upper chest region, right below the base of the neck.” I explain to Keith. “Can you give me any insights about it?” 

“Just watch it and continue following the clues.” Keith gives me a sneaky non-answer. 

“I guess he is not going to help me.” I ponder quietly with a disappointed smile. “I get to do this one by myself.” 

Expanding Love 

From the rib cage down, intense painful energy continues to flow on autopilot. My entire abdomen is bloated and churning as this process unfolds. 

Above my solar plexus I experience beautiful and peaceful vibrations – vibrations that fill this area of my body with loving power and peace. 

The contrast of these two different worlds is quite bizarre and eye-opening. 

Gradually I notice that the powerful energy in my chest expands more deeply into my shoulders while simultaneously pushing downward toward my solar plexus. 

A One Way Street 

The solar plexus immediately pushes back as if rejecting this loving energy. An old familiar feeling of “yes/no/yes/no” pulsing begins to chaotically argue at the bottom of my sternum … “Yes I want to exchange this energy” … “wait, No, I don’t want to” … “but wait, yes I do” … etc. 

As I further ponder, the realizations are quite clear. Earlier today, the heavy dense energies of others were flowing into my heart and down into my solar plexus. This flow was not blocked, yet the downward flow of love seems to be tightly restricted. Likewise, no energy from below, whether love or density based, is being allowed to flow from the solar plexus up into the heart. 

It seems to be a carefully designed system – to let the pain flow downward out of my heart, but to otherwise completely isolate my heart from what exists below. 

I suddenly understand what Keith told me earlier about some of the energy leaving my solar plexus as being “clean energy”. 

“It is loving life-force energy that wants to move,” I think to myself, “but that energy is not allowed to flow upward into my heart.” 

The fenced-off line of protection just below my rib cage is keeping my heart separate from all of the buried pain below – desperately attempting to keep me safe from further heartache while blocking life-force energies at the same time.  

Loving Transformation 

As I focus on attempting to allow some of this clean energy to move upward, I experience absolutely nothing but frustration. The flow is simply not allowed, period! 

Suddenly, a clue pops into my mind – a metaphorical clue that Keith had given me yesterday when he told me to dip a wand into the density and to bring it up like bubbles. 

Ignoring fear and hesitation, I imagine myself poking the wand down into the depths of my solar plexus. After it collects a few drops of painful emotion, I then see the wand lightly touching my heart. Immediately I feel the sensation of a few bubbles moving and popping. The sensation is actually quite sharp and painful. This solar plexus energy deeply hurts my heart. 

The process is quite frightening at first, increasing the sensation of agitation in my lower abdomen, but I continue to test the waters, gradually stepping up the intensity and frequency. 

Eventually I begin bringing little drops of bubbling density to shoulders, neck, chin, eyes, the back of my head, and random other areas. Over time I ask for a tiny continuous flow to begin rising up from my solar plexus and into my heart. As the painful bubbles begin to pool, I use my own powerful heart to transmute the pain into love and light – the flowing pain constantly ebbs and flows as I first feel it sting and then peacefully dissolve. 

A Mother’s Love 

“Where would your mother be … what would your mother be like … had you not helped her with her energy when you were a child?” Keith asks three of us who are working on similar issues. 

As I ponder the profound question, I think of my mother’s struggles with self-image – how she saw herself as being fat, did not care for her body, and refused to wear a swim suit. 

“Could it be that my empath assistance as a child actually helped her to keep these painful emotions in check?” I ponder to myself. “Was she happier and thinner because of my unknowing energetic assistance?” 

Gratitude fills my heart as I ponder the love I feel for my dear sweet mother – and for the thought that just maybe my own painful energetic assistance might have served and helped her in her own life journey. 

While pondering this deep loving connection with my mother, I let go of many forgotten and buried resentments. Joy fills my heart as I sense this powerful unconditional love flow through me. 

A Chocolate Interlude 

As I immerse myself in newfound explorations with lower-chakra energy, the chocolate ceremony is abruptly interrupted. Isaias has arrived in a tuk-tuk filled with buckets of freshly ground cacao – a huge batch of slightly-runny chocolate that must quickly be measured out into plastic bags, sealed, and laid flat before it hardens. 

For several hours I tediously assist with the process, filling and carefully weighing bags of this yummy brown heart blood. 

Shortly after 8:30 p.m., as my chocolate coated fingernails and I finally return home for the night, I quickly fill my tummy and return to meditation-land. 

Energetic Suicide 

For the second night in a row, I begin with what turns out to be an amazing Mer-Ka-Ba meditation – again dazzling me with swirling, almost dizzying energy that blows me away with its powerful flow. 

But I am anxious to continue pursuing the budding peace-treaty between heart and solar plexus. 

Soon, at own my energetic urging and with the assistance of an imaginary wand, I begin to feel a small stream of energy that tentatively explores its way from the top of my solar plexus up toward my heart. As that energy reaches the center of my sternum, the exact spot where I have often felt a sharp stabbing “nail-in-the-heart” feeling, I experience a profound stinging and agonizing pain. 

As this pain surprises me with its excruciating strength, I remember past emotional recognition telling me that I had been energetically crucified, martyred, and sacrificed by my religion – having been forced to sacrifice life-force energy connections in order to conform and fit in. 

“Did I actually stab myself in the heart?” I ponder with horror as I sink into the unbearable intensity of what I feel. 

“Was I energetically killed?” I further ponder about my shutdown process. “Or did I kill myself … literally committing energetic suicide?” 

Choosing Life 

I cannot help but be whisked back to painful memories in which I faced real life pain forcing similar choices to be made. 

At age forty-one, when I made the excruciating decision to finally transition from male to female – it was literally a “do or die” decision. 

If I did nothing, I knew I would be dead emotionally for the rest of my life, most likely ending up killing myself either by my own hand or indirectly doing it via stress and depression-induced illness. Absolute inner certainty reassured me that the end result of “doing nothing” would mean that I would never really be present for the ones I love or for my own self. Yes, I knew that this path would lead to sure physical and/or emotional death. 

On the other hand, if I transitioned to female, the male side of me was literally forced to commit suicide – painfully straining family relationships as well. There was no doubt in my mind that this decision would bring profound inner joy and personal fulfillment, but it also came with great cost to those I love. 

In the end, I chose the only option that gave me hope of life – I chose a path of being true to my heart.  

Striking Comparison 

I suddenly understand what happened to me as a child. I was faced with the same choice – only in reverse. 

As a very young child, I was full of deep life-force energy connections and gifts that would never have been accepted or understood by my family or culture. With the gender confusion added into that, I was in big trouble. 

If I had tried to keep those gifts alive, I would certainly have ended up emotionally and possibly even physically dead. Religious and cultural beliefs would have labeled me as deeply disturbed, possessed by evil spirits, requiring psychiatric intervention and treatment – treatment that would have psychically sliced me up with deep scars. 

My only survival choice was to commit energetic suicide – to kill all signs of gender variance and to strangle as much divine life-force energy flow in my body as possible.  

Yes, this second choice was excruciatingly difficult, but it kept me physically alive until a point in my life where I could begin to wake up those repressed and strangled parts of myself. 

With my gender transition over fourteen years ago, the feminine energy rebirth was well underway. Today, with my present awakening process on Keith’s magical porch, the magical energy connections are also being reborn. 

A Heart Full Of Pain 

As I meditate further into these unexpected insights regarding energetic suicide, I continue to be shocked by the intensity of the pain – sharp pain that I experience each time I bring a few more drops of solar plexus energy up into my heart.  

For a while, my heart is able to transmute and release the pain as love, but eventually, as I increase the flow, the pain begins to pool in my heart – and it is not going anywhere. Feeling stuck in my process and totally unsure how I might proceed, I simply allow this pool of pain to remain in my heart while I unexpectedly drift off to sleep. 

Just Go Already 

Early Saturday morning, as I roll over in my bed, an unfamiliar sharp pain demands my focus. 

“Ouch,” I exclaim as I move my left arm and shoulder. “I must have slept in a bad position or something. 

The profound aching behind my left shoulder-blade is difficult to portray in any type of positive light. It just hurts!  

At 8:00 a.m., as I attempt to sit down with intentions to write, my efforts are hopeless. Confusion and distraction reign supreme as I struggle to achieve any type of inspired focus. After an hour and a half of playing computer games, checking email, and scanning Facebook, I throw up my hands in frustration. The pain behind that left shoulder is just too unbearable; I cannot concentrate. 

“Just go over to see if Keith is home,” little Jedi voices whisper in my head. “Perhaps he can do a shoulder or back adjustment for you so that you can function.” 

“No,” I reject the voices, writing them off as simple wishful thinking. “Today is Keith’s day off. I don’t want to disturb him. I will be just fine.” 

“Serg slept over on his porch last night,” the voices continue. “There is something you need to do or say that will help Serg.” 

“No,” I again resist the inner guidance, refusing to follow. 

Fifteen minutes later, as I waffle back and forth, debating “should I” or “should I not” go, I finally listen to one more round of guidance. 

“Just go already.” The voices demand. “The worst that can happen is that Keith will not be home. The best is that you really are supposed to be there. Now quit doubting yourself! Just do it.” 

Of Emotional Origin 

To my delight, Serg is visiting with Keith in his kitchen when I arrive. I quickly explain my doubt-based dilemma and hesitation about not wanting to disturb Keith on his day off. 

“I can’t help you with a shoulder or back adjustment.” Keith responds after checking with his inner guidance. “The pain is emotional, not physical.” 

Keith goes on to explain that the pain is related to resistance in opening up a new level of heart power that is related to my writing and other forms of expression. He further shares that the shoulder blade is metaphorically thought of as the place where angel wings want to form – a symbolism related to connecting with the higher energies. 

Sitting down in a spare chair, I meditate for a few minutes, but feel considerable resistance. 

Confusing Resistance 

“Find the part of you in charge of the resistance,” Keith begins to coach me. “Grab your little girl and sit down at a conference table to talk with that part of you.”

As I attempt to follow Keith’s guidance, I am overwhelmed with a feeling of distraction and confusion. 

“Find the confusion and sit down with it at the conference table.” Keith gives me more guidance. 

Again, I find myself helplessly lost in resistance and doubt. My intuitions are not flowing. I am so distracted that I feel totally incapable of meditating with metaphors today. 

“Find the resistance and sit down at the conference table.” Keith again reiterates his original guidance. “Ask your little girl to show you how … ask her to help you talk to the resistance.” 

A Distracted Diversion 

As I attempt to comply with Keith’s instructions, I get distracted and instead find myself asking little Sharon to help me bring in more energy from my solar plexus. I have her dip the magic wand down into my abdomen and touch it to my heart. As the bubbles form, I again feel the sharp pains returning to my heart. 

Soon I have a tiny stream of bubbles that originates in the solar plexus and ends at the “nail-in-my-heart” place in my sternum – a place that again resonates with sharp pain. Eventually, I begin to feel the bubbles also rising up the back of my spine, with both the front and spinal streams rising all the way to my throat. 

To my dismay, the left shoulder blade hurts with even sharper intensity. 

Unbearable Pain 

As I engage in my silent process, I put the bubbles on autopilot while Serg begins to talk to me about his own painful process. It seems that he has shoulder pain in his right shoulder blade – pain that also originated last night. During my conversation with Serg, Keith listens quietly while working on his own household tasks. 

Serg and I talk for at least a half hour while I coach him deeper and deeper, attempting to help him to further understand and embrace the confusing world of emotional release for healing purposes. I find myself sharing great wisdom from many different angles as Serg repeatedly asks for more of my insights and suggestions. I feel quite proud of myself for how easily and fluidly the answers flow from my tongue. 

Throughout this conversation with Serg, the intensity of pain in my left shoulder continues to increase, now reaching unbearable levels.

Ego Exposed 

“Keith,” I interrupt what he is doing, “I’m still feeling deeply distracted by everything I try to do – feeling overwhelmed by resistance, confusion, pain, fear, and doubt. It is as if I know that I will fail, so why even try.” 

“Who or what is that distraction?” Keith again pushes me. 

“It is ego,” I finally respond after a few minutes of confusing internal debate. “It is me running an ego loop, entering into my God/separation drama, believing that I am alone and that God will never help me unless I am pathetically lost.” 

“Ego is skillfully running its simple series of distraction techniques to pull you back into its clutches.” Keith confirms. “Your job is to simply recognize who is running the voices, and to then choose which voices you will follow.” 

Just Send Love 

“Now,” Keith takes back over the reigns, “I have told you several times to grab your little girl, find the resistance that is the source of your back pain, and to go sit down at a conference table.” 

Ego screams loudly, spewing heckles and doubts as I struggle to believe in myself – to actually make a connection with that voice of resistance. Finally, as I am about to give up, I choose to stop listening to the doubts, reminding myself instead about all the amazing meditations that I have been through – then telling myself to simply “do it already”. 

In an act of pure faith, I reach out in a genuine attempt to love. 

“I don’t know who you are or why you are here,” I begin speaking to this unseen guest in my conference room, “but I love you.” 

Immediately I am overwhelmed with emotion – extremely deep emotion. I am not sure if it is fear, anger, pain, or sadness – but whatever it is, it reaches to profound depths. 

“What do I do?” I ask Keith as I momentarily lose confidence again. 

“Just send love.” Keith validates what I am already doing. 

A Job Well Done 

The moment I again focus on sending love, intense and overwhelming emotion throws me into confusing tearful release. I still cannot identify the emotion, but it is horrifyingly-intense and all-consuming – causing me to reach a point of inexplicable agonizing sobs. 

Suddenly I know … I just know – and that knowing comes with deep clarity. 

“It is the executioner.” I blurt out through gushing tears. “It is that part of my own self that I asked to kill me – that I asked to choke off my life force so as to keep me dead to the energies – the part of my very being to whom I gave the horrible job of keeping me disconnected and isolated from my divine life force.” 

“It was a miserable job that I gave to him (this energy).” I continue to speak between coughs and sobs. “After giving him this hapless job, I then abandoned him for more than 50 years, refusing to even remember who he is or what I asked him to do.” 

I am not sure if I have ever felt such emotional intensity in my entire life. Communicative awkwardness and deep grief overwhelm me. 

“How can I possibly face this part of me after all these years?” I struggle through tears while attempting to gather myself. “What do you say to someone you asked to energetically kill you … and who then did it? How can I ever heal such a horrifying situation? 

“A Job well done!” Keith congratulates me for powerful insights and internal recognition. 

Agonizing Awareness 

Tears rage in profound and powerful bursts for much of the next hour. I collapse forward in my chair as wave after wave of gut-wrenching sobs and teeth-chattering emotion consume me, while a huge pile of toilet tissue builds up on the floor beside me. 

After an occasional momentary pause, I suddenly moan with grief as another round of profound recognition overwhelms me – recognition of what I forced this energy to do – recognition of its intense isolation and loneliness – recognition of the horrible rejection it must have suffered through all of these years while continuing to faithfully perform his assigned job. 

Each such new realization again launches me into another powerful wave of agonizing emotional release. 

A Healing Hang Out 

Finally I achieve a peaceful pause that feels complete. 

“What do I do now? I ask Keith while staring numbly at the floor, partially in a state of shock. 

“Do I need to try to open something now?” I beg for insight. “Or do I simply sit here and integrate?” 

“Why don’t you ask your Higher Self to bring in three glasses of healing liquid?” Keith advises me. “Simply hang out with both your little girl and this part of yourself for a while.” 

Give It To The Angels 

“Brenda,” Keith interrupts after a very long pause. “Talk to your little girl and tell her that you do not hold her responsible for any of that pain … that you love her and that this is not her fault.” 

“I am already connected to her.” I respond matter-of-factly. “She is crying, but she knows that it is not her fault.” 

“NO,” Keith firmly emphasizes, “you tell her directly that you know it is not her fault.” 

As I go into meditative conversation with this beautiful little Sharonski, my precious inner child, I suddenly sense her begin to sob and shake. She fully understands that she had to bring in this executioner energy – that it was the only choice she had – but she has been terrified that I will hate her for it and that I will stop loving her. 

Immediately as I feel Sharon’s pain, I too begin to sob and shake, rapidly sinking into another unexpected wave of deep, tear-filled emotional outburst while contemplating this beautiful little girl’s anguish. 

Two Angels 

“Give her pain directly to the angels,” Keith interrupts me. 

When I hear these words, I begin to stop crying, attempting instead to be an empath, unattached to the emotions themselves, simply directing the density out to the angels. 

“Are you saying that I shouldn’t be crying right now?” I ask Keith for clarification. 

“No Brenda,” Keith responds lovingly. “That is not what I am saying.” 

I again allow myself to cry along with my precious little girl – me crying out my own pain while supporting her in doing the same with hers. 

Soon, I feel as if two beautiful angels have surrounded my little girl, holding and loving her, helping to absorb her shaking pain so that I no longer need to feel it so profoundly. 

Unbelievable Yet Undeniable 

When I finally feel stable and capable of talking, I engage Serg in a discussion about my own experiences – attempting to help him understand my amazing insights – how a real part of me had actually committed suicide in the name of love. 

I can tell that my experiences are profoundly impacting Serg, deeply assisting him in his own emotional journey. I am grateful that he is here today, participating along with me. 

As I attempt to further describe the profound depths of my experience, I again begin to sob. This pain is so intensely real – so unbelievable yet undeniable. 

Please Understand Me 

When the emotion again settles, I find myself regressing back to age three, feeling myself on my bed, crying profusely while my mother sits by my side. She is desperately trying to get me to stop crying, feeling frustrated and not understanding why I am crying. 

I am simply unable to stop. As that tiny three-year-old, I cry and cry and cry. 

My mother begs me impatiently to please stop. Finally she brings me a glass of water. When I slowly sip on that cool liquid, my breathing somehow stabilizes and the tears dry up. 

“I just wanted to be understood.” I tell Serg. “That seems to be the story of my whole life – that I just wanted to be understood. But no one could understand why I was the way I was, not even me.” 

New Levels Of Understanding  

Suddenly, I burst into deep gasping sobs as another wave of clear intuitive understanding flashes through my consciousness. 

“I really was deeply connected to the divine energies at that age.” I tell Keith with new profound levels of awareness and knowing. 

Yes, I already understood this at a more rational mind level, but now for the first time ever, I deeply know it, I profoundly feel it – and those feelings are undeniable. 

“I was literally being smothered by family, religious, and societal conditioning.” I exclaim with new clarity. “I was forced to completely give up who I knew myself to be in order to please my mother.” 

“This is why I was crying.” I add with determination. “This too is the story of my life – a story of sacrificing myself in order to please my family and my religion.” 

Celebrating Awareness 

What began as a desperate morning plea to Keith, asking if he might perhaps do an adjustment on my back or shoulder, has turned into one of the most amazing healing sessions ever. 

I finally know who that voice is – the voice that will not let the energies flow – the voice that energetically isolates my heart chakra from the rest of my body. I could never have foretold what I would find or how painful it would be – but wow, I am so grateful for the amazing level of personal understanding that now blesses my heart. 

As a celebration after leaving Keith’s home, late on Saturday afternoon, I treat my little inner child to a yummy burger and fries at a local restaurant. 

Integrate and Meditate 

As I prepare for a very-early late-afternoon bedtime, my left shoulder blade continues to ache and throb. 

“Brenda,” Keith had still insisted when I left his home, “The pain is emotional and not physical. Go home, integrate, and meditate. Let the understanding come to you.” 

Soon, I am fast asleep. 

Unplanned Meditation 

Suddenly, I awaken from a deep dream after what feels like a long and restful sleep. When I note that the clock reads 8:30 p.m., I giggle in shock and amazement. I don’t think I have ever woken up from a dream so early in the evening. 

The shoulder pain remains intense, and I make futile attempts to treat it physically – massaging my shoulder, leaning backward into a door frame, and squeezing tight muscles in my neck – but nothing affects the pain at all. It simply will not go away. 

Finally I decide to follow Keith’s advice about meditating. I begin to explore the energy blockages – both those below my neck and those at the top of my solar plexus. I eventually recognize that each of the upper and lower blockages have a masculine and a feminine component, all having their own individual roles in the shutdown.

When I meditatively sit down with the feminine executioner in my neck, I experience a beautiful emotional connection – yet I sense that she feels extremely guilty and unworthy of my love, as if she has been doing me a horrible disservice all of these years. 

Recognizing the importance of sending love to these energy-executioners, I power up my heart and begin to spread that love. The meditation is beautiful, lasting for three hours – but it does nothing to alleviate the shoulder pain. 

As midnight approaches, my heart remains a detached island, cut off from above and below by humble energy servants – each continuing to honor a still-in-effect mandate to strangle the flow of life force in my body.  

A Broken Heart 

As I momentarily use my computer to take a few additional notes regarding my journey, I suddenly recognize a clue that I have been overlooking all along. When I had fallen asleep last night, my heart was experiencing deep emotional pain – pain that I had been unable to release. While sleeping on my back, the left shoulder blade is directly below my heart. The unreleased heart-pain had settled with gravity during the night, finding a new temporary home in my shoulder blade. 

Then I remember something else that Keith had suggested earlier in the afternoon. 

“Think of the pain as being a referred pain.” Keith had thrown me a forgotten clue. 

Quickly I review all of my symptoms – I have recently been having shortness of breath and bouts of dizziness and lightheadedness. I have also felt strong pain in the front center of my chest, combined with aching referred-pain in my left shoulder blade. 

Seconds later I am verifying symptoms on a well-known medical web site. 

“Sure enough,” I tell myself. “All of my symptoms line up with what might be considered the most classic symptoms of a heart attack.” 

But I know better … all of these symptoms are merely metaphors. 

A long, long time ago, when my little inner child was forced to choose energetic suicide as being her only means of physical survival – that decision literally broke her heart. 

“Clearly, my little girl is showing me that I am suffering from a broken heart.” I tell myself as I drift back to sleep. 

“But I am tired. We will pursue this on another day.” 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

I find it hard to believe that it is already the twenty-eighth day of April. Another month has nearly slipped through my grasp – a month that seems like both a mere instant and an entire lifetime. 

The increasing depth of each experience on Keith’s magical porch is beginning to astound me. “Surely I must be close to the bottom,” I ponder after every ceremony, only to be surprised a day or two later by another profound journey into the unknown depths of past emotional blockages. 

The orchestrated symphony of healing is undeniable – a symphony that in the past two chocolate ceremonies has brought great understanding into issues of implanted confusion in my right-brain and psychically blocked lower chakra energies. Yes, I am indeed beginning to hope that perhaps the long-blocked higher energies might once again flow unobstructed. 

Eagle Eyes 

As I awaken on this beautiful Thursday morning, mild pleasurable energy vibrations flood my body, accompanied by a sensation of increased clearing and healing. 

I watch the clock, eagerly anticipating mid-day, filling the delightful morning with meditation, reading and Spanish study. The chocolate ceremony cannot begin soon enough. 

“I still have a mild headache in the lower forehead and there are more emotional densities churning in my solar plexus.” I tell Keith when he checks in with me. “But I am very encouraged by the increasing flow of energies in my upper body.” 

“Go with the increased energy from your heart up.” Keith gives me a clue as to where to begin my process. 

With eagle-like observation, I alertly study everything going on around me, both inside and out. Stepping into my head, I meditatively search for clues as to why my third-eye chakra remains blocked. As I do so, one thought becomes quite obvious. 

“It is me that is responsible for the impenetrable energy wall in my forehead.” I ponder knowingly. “This is not something that was done to me – it is something I did to myself as a child.” 

Yet I remain totally confused as to why I would continue subconscious rejection of the divine flow after all my emotional growth. Sought-after metaphors and insights seem well beyond my grasp. 

Fears Of Rejection 

Suddenly, intuitions guide me to a new train of thought. Memories flood my mind, memories of how I have always tended to be a people pleaser – deeply concerned with fears about what others might be thinking – always tempted to sacrifice my feelings in an attempt to win the approval of loved ones. 

A lifelong transgender journey has unavoidably forced me into facing many of these intense approval-fears head-on – requiring me to access deep courage in order to move forward. The only other alternative would have been to simply curl up and die a slow and painful emotional death. 

I stare into the eyes of similar fears with my present-day path. Surely, what I am doing must seem quite “out there” in the eyes of many people, especially to family and some religiously conservative friends. In fact, much of what I have embraced in the past year will most certainly appear evil and satanic to many loved ones back home – loved ones who have been taught that such higher energies surely originate from that deceptive Devil himself. 

But as I have realized countless times before, I recognize that the only real choice I have is to follow my heart, regardless of what others may think of me. 

“Is this ongoing fear of disapproval – fear of expressing my true self – related to the continued energy blocks in my third-eye?” I begin to ponder. 

Out Of The Box 

There is a new gentleman on the porch today who serves me greatly in this area. I don’t know him, but I intuitively sense that any emotional processing I do might seem quite bizarre and strange to him. 

“Can I really be myself on the porch today?” I question briefly, fearing that this man might be uncomfortable or perhaps even judge me for being so ‘out-of-the-box’. 

A Light Cannon 

I try to speak to this protective voice in my head, thanking it for keeping me safe throughout my life, for keeping me inside the box during periods where the societal structure was my only safe place for growth and survival. I express love and gratitude to this voice, while simultaneously begging it to relax just a little. 

“Please, can’t you just allow a little bit of energy to flow in my third-eye?” I meditatively implore this voice. “Can’t we just see what happens with a tiny bit of energy?” 

As I explain to Keith what I am doing, I tell him that I am rapidly reaching a point where I just want to try to force the blocks to open up. 

“Whoa,” Keith immediately warns, “don’t push it too fast … this voice is a scared puppy … don’t push the scared puppy.” 

I know Keith is correct. Pushing will only create more fear and chaos in my head. Rather than blasting this blockage with light cannons, I need to explore it, to develop a loving partnership with it, to embrace it with love. Yet I continue to struggle. What appears like another dead-end seems to laugh in my face. I have no idea how to proceed. 

“Focus on the wand in your head.” Keith casually tosses me a new clue. 

Blocked Expression 

I forget Keith’s clue when I begin to listen to Serg. As he discusses his own process his words intuitively draw me closer. Serg talks about an energetic block in the receptive side (feminine) of his third-eye, a spot at the top of the neck just below the hard part of the skull. 

A flash of insight floods my mind.  

“Right now I am feeling a very strong flow of energy at the back of my skull at the receptive side of my third-eye.” I ponder excitedly. “The energies are freely flowing up my back from that little girl in my solar plexus, vibrating pleasurably at the back of my head – but those energies are not being allowed to express themselves through the front (masculine side) of my third-eye.” 

“I am connected on the inside.” I further simplify, “but something inside of me is shutting down the outward expression of the third-eye.” 

Overflowing Vaults 

As these insights flash through my mind, deep emotional pain simultaneously surges in my lower chakras. After the initial shock, I allow myself to fully sink into these severely suppressed emotions – painful emotions saturated by the agony of not having been able to outwardly express the feminine and creative side of my soul – of having felt so deeply shutdown and hopelessly lost – of having to be an actress, pretending I was a happy young man while experiencing profound inner torture. 

I am suddenly clear that my second and third chakras continue to be clogged by huge vaults of such painful emotional density – pain that is now surfacing and begging for emotional release. 

Wand Dipping 

Tears start to stream down dripping-wet cheeks as I quietly lower my head and begin to painfully sob – attempting to do so with minimal volume and fanfare. My jaw and belly both shake uncontrollably as I further surrender into the pain, determined to feel it to the bottom. At least twenty minutes pass as I venture ever deeper into this agonizing outburst. 

As the emotions settle, I briefly interrupt Keith, who is working with someone across the porch. 

“Can you please help me Keith,” I beg after briefly filling him in on my journey. 

“I let go of some of the emotion but I know that there is much more where that came from.” I appeal for answers. “Is it possible to somehow involve the light to assist with the rest, or do I need to continue crying it out?” 

“Try dipping your wand into the density and wave it around to release bubbles.” Keith gives me unexpected guidance, reminding me of his prior clue about using the wand. 

Angels With Buckets 

“There is a lot of intense emotion buried in here.” I tell Keith with a feeling of helplessness after having tried to follow his advice for a few minutes. 

“I’m having a lot of trouble with the bubble idea.” I add with frustration. 

“The word ‘pressure’ comes to me.” Keith again throws out another intuitive clue. 

“Yeah,” I respond with surprise. “The pressure of the bottled up emotion is so great that I feel as if it will explode if it is not released.” 

“Brenda,” Keith gives me a new direction, “bring in the angels with buckets and see what happens.” 

Waves of Emotion And Doubt 

As I visualize a giggling crew of angels eagerly entering my abdomen to clean out the pressurized density with buckets, another layer of intense emotion and fear first surges to the surface. 

After a few more minutes of body shaking and tear-covered cheeks, I again return to the world of higher energies. 

As I ask Higher Self to direct the angels, and as I imagine them resuming their task of loving service, another level of emotional release again overwhelms me. There is so much pressure in these painfully repressed emotions that they are on the edge of exploding like a volcano blowing its top. 

“Will this work?” I ponder apprehensively to myself as I again visualize the joyful angels at work. “What if they spill … how long will it take?” 

Doubts and tearful emotions again attempt to overwhelm me, but I somehow manage to maintain emotional composure – finally feeling as if the first bucket of yucky emotion has been removed and lovingly transmuted by my little angelic helpers. 

Faster Please 

The process actually becomes fun as I sense the eager-angels continuously removing bucket after bucket of what feels like an endless supply of pressurized emotional pain. 

“This is too slow.” I silently exclaim as I recognize that this process could take forever at its current pace. 

Fire Hose Fun 

Remembering previous meditative journeys, I soon ask the angels to hook up a fire hose to my abdomen. Soon, I feel an energy flow leaving my body while intuitively sensing it spilling out into my once-fearsome bottomless pit – again transmuting into light as it flows to the depths of Mother Earth below. Gradually I feel the flow stabilize and increase in speed. 

“Please widen the hose and take it to maximum flow,” I ask the angels, “at least to the maximum that I am capable of handling.” 

The energy flows continuously out of the upper area of my solar plexus, flowing out into the space in front of me before sinking down into the ground. 

Intuitively, after working in complete silence for nearly two hours, I begin to sense that the pressurized emotional tank is almost empty – but then something else tells me strongly, “This is not the only tank.” 

Tanks, Tanks, And More Tanks 

Seconds later, I meditatively poke my wand into a second huge tank, hook up the metaphorical fire hose, and enjoy another powerful round of energy flow. This time, I completely empty the tank in about ten minutes. 

Intuitively I poke my wand into a third tank and repeat the process. Suddenly, another round of insight floods my consciousness. 

“Each tank represents a separate year of your life.” The little Jedi voices whisper inside. 

As I quickly recognize the first three tanks as being ages ten, eleven, and twelve, I proceed to sequentially increase the age with each metaphorical tank, each moving more rapidly than the previous, allowing intuition to tell me whenever it is time to switch to the next tank. 

Once I reach age twenty, I process one tank for each remaining decade in my life. Then I return and release the first ten years of my life before processing yet another tank for past lives, and one more for future lives. Eager to not miss a thing, I hook up that fire hose to anything that my intuition brings forward. 

Finally, the flow seems to come to a stop. Strong inner knowing tells me that this phase of my process is now complete for today – yet I intuitively leave the metaphorical fire hose in place at the top of my solar plexus. 

Finding Love 

“It is time to go back and talk to that voice in your head.” The Jedi whispers again speak. 

Immediately I remember that forgotten voice – that voice that would not allow a genuine expression of my true self during the majority of my life, causing me to fear the opinions of others, seeking to win their love and approval – that same voice that continues to block my third-eye today. 

“Thank you,” I genuinely tell the voice – a voice that I now recognize always had my best interest at heart. 

“Thank you for protecting me during periods of my life when true self-expression would have created huge problems for me.” I continue pondering. “Thank you for keeping those parts of me safely hidden during a time when expressing them would have resulted in serious rejection and inner scars, possibly much worse.” 

For an extended period I engage in an internal dialog with this part of me – expressing genuine love, gratitude, empathy, and compassion for how it has served me. 

An Internal Empath 

Almost continuously throughout this process of reconciliation, powerful bursts of emotion find their way to the surface. 

A painful jab of self-anger materializes deep in my second chakra. I quickly send it through the hose to the angels. The pain disappears, leaving my tummy quite peaceful. 

A stint of sadness sticks its head up to say ‘hi’. Fear, loneliness, and resentment soon stop by for a quick visit. Anger, terror and fear eventually come for tea. With each emotional visitor, I simultaneously experience a sharp pain somewhere in my abdomen – a pain that is quickly hugged, thanked, and released into the waiting fire hose. 

I am deeply amazed at how each of these emotions first surfaces as a painful spot in my tummy, immediately followed by the strong intuitive knowing about where that pain originates and what it represents. 

“This is cool!” I think to myself excitedly. “I am being an empath for that voice in my head and it is actually working. First I feel the pain in my abdomen, then I intuitively understand exactly what it is about, and finally I send the emotional density on to the angels for transmutation.” 

More Internal Practice 

Eventually I feel as if this inner voice and I have reached a basic level of trust and understanding – yet I intuitively recognize the voice is not yet ready to release its restrictive grip on the channel that will allow full expression via my third-eye chakra. This metaphorical energy is still quite nervous and resistant, and I agree not to push it, allowing it to have all the time that it needs. 

Suddenly, a new round of painful emotion consumes my abdomen. 

“This is the fear about the responsibilities of new magic and of embracing the inner empath in me.” Intuitions strongly whisper. 

As I immediately release all of this fear into the fire hose, it melts away and the sharp twinge of pain disappears. 

For the next fifteen minutes, I experience many frequent pokes of such pain and fear. With each, I intuitively understand what it is about and then simply release it. 

On My Own 

This amazing Thursday afternoon ceremony has been quite powerful – another treasure hunt of intuitive threads involving many metaphors and intuitions combined with a few clues from Keith. But for the most part, I have ventured on this journey with minimal physical assistance, relying almost entirely on internal guidance – a combination of inner knowing and inspired feelings. 

Integrating Insights 

As the porch empties just before sundown, only Serg, Keith and I remain. Serg quickly engages me in an hour-long discussion, picking my brain for insights that might assist him in his own deep process. 

I am honored by the opportunity, and recognize that the conversation also greatly assists me in integrating my own understanding. It never ceases to amaze me how the process of describing something in words helps me to understand the concept myself in a much more profound manner. As I talk with my friend, I feel as if I am actually giving advice and providing clarity to myself. 

As Serg and I finish our conversation, Keith offers to walk me home due to the fact that a very dark night has now consumed the remote neighborhood. 

“That was another amazing day,” Keith congratulates me, “and you did it mostly yourself, trusting your own inner process.” 

“I really enjoyed overhearing you talk to Serg.” Keith adds with a smile. “You really are beginning to understand this stuff quite well.” 

My heart swells with joy as I internalize Keith’s beautiful feedback. 

Forgotten Meditation 

Late Thursday evening, I get a clear internal nudge reminding me that I haven’t engaged in a Mer-Ka-Ba meditation for a very long time. The Mer-Ka-Ba meditation comes from Sacred Geometry and the teachings of Drunvalo Melchizedek – something that entered my life last summer during the Sun Course. I first experimented with the meditation in late October at the end of a two-month holistic healing course with Nadia. 

As I progress through the final stages of breathing and visualization as outlined by the complicated and structured meditation, I am astounded by the powerful energy flow that soon consumes my body. Prior to this moment, I have never had such a profound experience with this particular meditation. 

I feel quite dizzy and wobbly as I immerse myself into the beautiful and pleasurable energies that swirl around me. 

Intuitively, I realize that I am being given another brief glimpse into the types of energy experience that I can look forward to in the future. I deeply relish and enjoy the beautiful energy while it lasts in the present – feeling extremely grateful for the little rewards that keep me motivated after a long and difficult emotional process. 

An Ongoing Mystery 

As I finally drift off to sleep, I ponder what I have learned today about this mysterious little voice that continues to block expression via my third eye. 

I have not yet fully uncovered the identity of this evasive little energy, but I am excited to follow the clue-filled threads, knowing that all will unveil itself exactly in its time, at exactly the right moment in the ongoing symphony of my healing journey. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

After a relaxed day of writing, I awaken on Wednesday morning, April 27, to a confusing and unexpected metaphysical twist. 

A series of bizarre circumstances have caused me to question my reality in such a startling way that I suddenly recognize that I must be asleep, inside of a dream. Immediately, I become lucid, fully aware that I am actually dreaming, still physically sleeping, while consciously directing the dream from within itself. 

For the next minute or so before I finally wake up physically, I experience a short and very strange sequence of events – events that trouble my mind and cause me to be seriously confused about my sexuality. 

Lucid Flashbacks 

Eight of us gather on the magical porch for the afternoon chocolate ceremony. As usual, the group seems to have been hand picked to guide me on my own powerful journey. 

Early individual work focuses on a woman who has been experiencing considerable pain in her side, accompanied by energy vibrations in her feet. 

As Keith guides her into meditation – a meditation designed to help her discover and experience the minor chakras below her feet – I feel intuitively guided to follow along.  

While attempting to connect with the feminine energies of Mother Earth, I begin to feel a flow of energy entering my second chakra – a highly pleasurable energy that stimulates a feeling of sexual energy. As I do so, my mind is immediately whisked back to my strange lucid dream. 

Time To Delve Deeper 

With this metaphorical thread having been thrust upon me, I immediately immerse myself into deeper meditation regarding these buried and rejected second chakra energies. Opening my mind, I become an impartial observer as I explore issues of sexual attraction, sexual expression, male versus female, men versus women, masculinity versus femininity – all the while allowing myself to feel the chains of confusion and deep religious judgments that accompany every thought. 

Intense fear begins to surface as I methodically allow the pleasurable energy to pass through me in soft waves. As I observe these fears, I notice that they are accompanied by churning and agitation in my tummy, stirring up feelings that cause me to get quite emotional as the meditation progresses. 

The most intense fears seem to be in the area of sexual expression – fears about self-judgment – fears about the judgmental opinions of others – potential judgment from beloved family and friends. Over the last ten years or so, I have often quietly questioned my sexuality – deeply confused by my back-and-forth rejections of both masculine and feminine energies – never allowing myself to explore this confusion because of the deeply rooted fears of judgment and entanglement. 

As I ponder more deeply, I realize that my usual solution of simply ignoring those confusing feelings no longer serves me. It is time to delve deeper into the shutdown of second chakra energies – time to follow the metaphor a bit further. 

Automatic Responses 

To my dismay, Keith takes nearly two hours to make his first circle around the porch. By the time he eventually reaches my seat, deep emotions are bubbling – fears and trickling tears fully dominate my meditative experience. The long delay has indeed been perfect as I have listened to the work of others while plunging further into my own internal trek. It has all been exactly what I needed to totally immerse myself in a frightening and confusing journey into forbidden subjects. 

As I sit in this constant bombardment of fear-based energies – energies that consume my entire abdomen – I recognize that shame and guilt seem to be profoundly programmed into my second chakra. Such energies are so deeply rooted that they are automatic and expected responses to any type of perceived sexual thought or energy. 

Tightly Chained 

I am totally blocked in the lower chakras, completely isolated from the heart. Again, I experience the sensation of what feels like a tight and restricting belt that squeezes the top of my solar plexus just below the rib cage, doing everything possible to prevent energies from flowing either up or down. 

“What if I break out of the box even further?” I ponder to myself. “What if I actually do get in a relationship with a man?” 

“My children would be completely freaked out, having a very difficult time with that decision.” I cower in speculative fear. 

“What If I allow myself to further explore and discover that I am really a lesbian?” I take it one step deeper. “Surely, that would totally destroy all hope of further integration with my deeply-religious family.” 

Not only are the energies currently blocked, but so are my options. I feel helpless and hopeless – in a “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” type of paradox. Surely it is easier to simply allow this part of me to remain tightly chained. 

Again and again, waves of fear cause me to tearfully cringe at the thought of exploring further. 

Return Of The “I” Word 

“I’m really struggling with deep confusion.” I confess openly to Keith when he finally sits in front of me. “I am going into profound fears about sexuality and the energies of masculinity and femininity.” 

Normally I would never have the courage to admit such confusion in front of a mixed group of people, many of whom I do not even know. But somehow, today, I feel courageous and relaxed, speaking generically but genuinely and honestly in a way that Keith and those who do know me can fully understand. 

“This is what happened to you as a young child, at varying ages.” Keith surprises me with an insight that I was not at all expecting. 

“Again, I am guided to the energy of ‘implant’” Keith further shocks me. 

“Think about that one.” He adds for emphasis. 

For the second time in two back-to-back ceremonies, Keith brings up this loaded ‘implant’ word – a word which I have never before heard him use in any circumstance. He again repeats that he dislikes the word ‘implant’ – but his guidance is very clear on this one. 

Keith’s words resonate deeply in my heart. It seems that my dysfunctional beliefs regarding sexuality have been psychically implanted into me. 

The Subtlety of Lies 

As I begin to express life-long fears, emotions, and recognition of the horrible struggles of my youth centered in dysfunctional sexual and gender beliefs that were not even my own, a woman from across the porch interrupts. 

“But Brenda,” This woman protests, “I see you as being so beautiful and confident, blah, blah, blah.” 

“You don’t understand.” I lovingly interrupt back, “I know that all of these childhood fears and self-judgments are indeed lies – but your words are actually disempowering, trying to ‘fix’ and invalidate a process into which I must dive deeply. Rather than whitewash these lies with present-day truth, I must further regress and experience the lies so that I can truly heal and empower myself from that child’s perspective.” 

“At a rational mind level,” I continue, “I absolutely know that I am beautiful and confident, etc…, but at a deep subconscious level these lies continue to thrive and to dominate the underlying energies of how I actually feel and experience life.” 

Flowing Freely 

Keith then adds a ten-minute explanation of my journey to fully understand, to wake up from, and to write about the common shutdown process of people who grew up in seemingly-happy, Christian, middle-class homes – loving homes free from visible abuse of any kind. 

“Brenda needs to understand the process from all possible angles,” Keith adds, “from as many viewpoints as she can, from every level of emotion and energy. Right now, she needs to regress as a child and personally re-experience these profound emotions.” 

While Keith continues talking, his words give me implicit permission to sink deeper and deeper into an experience that fully consumes me. Tears begin to flow, transforming quickly into profound gut-wrenching sobs, causing me to eventually collapse forward as painful densities agitate wildly in my abdomen. 

Again, I attempt to minimize the external display of drama, while fully maximizing the intense emotional journey through which I am regressing. The river of emotions flowing through me is excruciatingly painful and physically overwhelming. 

I simply allow those powerful emotional waters to flow unobstructed. 

An Exploration Into Fixing 

In the middle of my intense emotional release, a sweet young man stands up, walks across the porch, and sits directly in front of me. Without asking, this young friend of mine (I will call him Sam) reaches forward and begins to do energy work while touching my arms.  

I sense that he is trying to fix me, to assist me by trying to lessen the pain of my profound emotional process, but I choose to simply ignore because I do not want to offend my friend. 

“Sam,” Keith quickly interrupts. “I don’t think you should touch Brenda right now. It will interfere with her process as a fixing energy.” 

“Yeah,” I interject lovingly, “the moment you touched me, the intensity of my emotions backed off, and I need to feel these emotions. I need to feel them to the bottom so that I can get the understanding and healing that I need.” 

Continued Fixing 

As I again bend forward, dear Sam continues to sit closely in front of me. His presence is deeply distracting. His energy is still too close. Realizing that his intent is pure, I again say nothing, instead looking inward to question why I am so resistant to his presence. 

Finally, as I proceed with my deep emotional release, I realize that my hips are killing me. My crossed-legs are cramping painfully, and I desperately need to stretch out. 

“Sam, would you please back up a little so that I can stretch out my feet.” I ask lovingly. 

“Do you mind if I just sit right here?” Sam asks after backing up a couple of feet, barely giving me enough room for my feet to stick out straight in front of me. 

As Sam holds his hands an inch from my feet, I again feel emotional energy flowing out of my feet and into his body – again distracting and weakening my process. Again I say nothing out of loving respect for my friend. I am determined to understand my own resistance. 

Fixing Explained 

As I continue my gut-wrenching sobs, Keith quickly enters into a deeper discussion with Sam, explaining to him the subtle but profound difference between fixing and holding space. 

Fixing energy, while lovingly intended, has a way of disempowering and invalidating someone’s process, subtly suggesting that something is wrong with them, implying that they are unnecessarily suffering and that you want to rescue them, to help alleviate some of their pain so that they can stop hurting and heal more rapidly. 

A loving energy of “holding space”, however, is just the opposite. It implies that you understand that what someone is doing is extremely empowered – that the deep emotional release through which they might be passing is a necessary and profound part of their healing journey – and that you are simply sending love and holding an energetic space to support them in their powerful emotional process. 

As Keith finishes his deep exploration into the subtleties of fixing, dear sweet Sam continues to sit with his extended hands only an inch below my feet. 

“Sam,” I finally get the courage to ask, “Can you please give me a little more space. Your energy work is still distracting me.” 

Persistent Good Intentions 

“If Sam was listening to me he would have already moved away by now.” Keith unexpectedly jumps in to back up my request. 

The loving directness of Keith’s words surprises me. I realize that he is using this as a profound teaching moment for Sam. I am deeply grateful that my feelings are being validated by Keith, and am also thankful for the loving opportunity to help my friend understand more about the complex subtleties of “fixing” energy. 

Sam quickly moves away from my feet, but strangely enough asks if I would mind if he simply sits by my side, merely holding space for me. 

“Sure, that would be fine.” I reply reluctantly. 

To my deep surprise, Sam squeezes so closely in to my left side that our arms are touching even though there is plenty of space for him to allow me more room for my deep emotional process. Again, I feel deeply distracted as I sense my emotional intensity being sucked away in Sam’s direction, still making it difficult for me to remain immersed in a process that I know I must complete. 

I know that Sam is only trying to help, and I again struggle with the question of whether or not I should say anything. 

Fixing Finale 

As Keith guides me further in my process, I cannot help but continue to feel distracted by my young friend’s beautiful intentions. 

“I am so sorry,” I briefly interrupt Keith and speak to Sam, “but this is just not working for me. I am still deeply distracted by your energy.” 

As Sam moves away, feeling somewhat shunned, I look to Keith for loving advice. I feel quite guilty, as if I may have done something bad or wrong. 

“Am I being pushy and rude for wanting my energetic space protected?” I beg Keith for reassurance. “I know that I need to learn to more readily allow assistance from others.” 

“No, Brenda,” Keith gently supports me, “now is not the time to learn to receive from others. You were indeed being distracted by Sam’s energy, feeling that it was fixing energy, and that is all that matters for now.” 

My guilt is fully released as a short loving discussion ensues between Keith, Sam and I. Sam is still somewhat confused by the way I have experienced his energy, but then again he is going through his own powerful process – a process of learning to support others without seeing their pain as needing to be fixed or helped.  

Another Layer Lightened 

Through this back and forth discussion of fixing energies, my process of deep emotional release has continued to unfold and progress. Finally, the emotions settle, the tears dry up, and intuitions tell me that this phase of my tearful process is now complete. 

Several people around the room have been holding a deep and profound loving space for me, silently granting me energetic permission to dive into the agonizing emotional pain, not judging me as being weak and needing help while I searched for the bottom of those murky waters. Another layer of long-forgotten emotions has been beautifully released. 

Divine Life Force 

“Brenda, this was done to you as a form of psychic surgery,” Keith again begins to teach me about the energetic blocks in my lower chakras. 

Keith again emphasizes that he does not like the term ‘psychic surgery’ because it is extremely overused, but that it is his best way of describing what actually happened to me. 

“Your parents and religious leaders psychically implanted the blocks.” Keith continues guiding me. “They didn’t know what they did, but they implanted actual psychic blocks in you that caused this fear, shame, and guilt over your sexuality.” 

As I listen to Keith’s words, they resonate as being true in my heart. Throughout my life I have been cursed with deep fear, shame and guilt with anything and everything sexual. Even within the sanctioned boundaries of marriage, I often experienced strong shame, doubts, and confusion regarding sexual experience and exploration. 

Keith goes on to explain that the flow of life force from below must be felt, brought up, and allowed to flow into the third and fourth chakras. When these energies are blocked and stopped at the second chakra, they may manifest as being sexual energy, but when allowed to flow all the way to the heart, they supply us with divine life force that is crucial for our spiritual growth and development. 

As I briefly ponder on Keith’s words, I clearly recognize that the energy blocks in my lower chakras actually prevented me from bringing the life force energy to my heart, instead trapping that energy in the sexual/creativity chakra, further increasing the sexual energy, further causing me to struggle with deep guilt regarding my overwhelming sexual confusion as a youth. 

Subtleties of Psychic Surgery 

“Everyone can do this.” Keith teaches me regarding the subtleties of psychic surgery. “But not everyone does do this.” 

He goes on to explain that psychic surgery is actually quite common. He explains that it is a consciously performed process, but that it is usually done with “blinders on” such that the person doing it is unaware and incapable of believing or even acknowledging that it actually happened. 

It is usually done with good intentions, but from a negative polarity, such as when a loving parent uses their unknown psychic power to control or to manipulate their children into adopting certain behaviors or beliefs – for their own good of course. 

Keith further explains that there are people who are indeed aware of their psychic ability, and who intentionally use it from a negative polarity.

“But this can also be used in a positive polarity, with the intention of helping others.” Keith quickly adds. 

“How?” I respond with shock and disbelief. “It seems to be so controlling and manipulative … how could such abilities possibly be used in a positive and helpful way where they are not disempowering and controlling?” 

Do It With Your Heart 

“This is one of your own magical abilities that is ready to wake up in you right now.” Keith further surprises me. 

“That woman on your left has blocks implanted into her.” Keith guides me in an unexpected and confusing direction. “You need to use your ability right now to connect with her and to psychically remove one of those blocks.” 

“Don’t use your head.” Keith coaches me. “Your heart knows what to do … do it with your heart.” 

I focus on empowering my heart with love, and then imagine it reaching over to the woman, searching for a block, and pulling it out like a plug or cork. As I do so, intense fear begins to arise inside me – fear accompanied by strong pain in my abdomen. Powerful agitated emotions of my own childhood shutdown stir painfully in my lower chakras. 

“I am trying to focus on sending the energy over to her to find the blocks.” I exclaim to Keith with doubts. “But I am facing intense fears and pain inside myself.” 

“Quit using your head.” Keith firmly interrupts. “Quit trying … just do it with your heart.” 

Heart And Will 

As I redouble my efforts to get out of my rational mind, I again experience more fear and pain – but soon those pesky little parasites leave me as I experience deep power in my heart. Intuitively, I feel as if an arm of energy reaches out from the left side of my chest, extending in the woman’s direction. I simply focus on the loving energy without thinking, simply ‘willing’ that what needs to happen will indeed happen. 

“There Brenda,” Keith interjects, “it is done. Did you feel it?” 

“Not really,” I reply confused. “I am not totally tuned in to the ability quite yet.” 

“What did you feel?” Keith follows up, not letting me off easy. 

“I felt an intense power in my heart, as if energy from my left side was reaching over in her direction.” I reply. 

“That is exactly what you needed to feel.” Keith reassures me. “That is your feedback. Your inner feelings told you that you had a connection and that you did something.” 

“You were also deeply connected to the ‘will’ in your own solar plexus.” Keith intuitively points out. “You did it with your heart and your powerful will.” 

On A Shelf 

“Just put this ability on a shelf for now,” Keith lovingly coaches me, seeing how confused and reluctant I am to embrace what just happened. 

“Integrate,” Keith continues, “don’t try to figure it out or to understand more right now. It will come up again in your healing path and you will get more exposure and experience in using and understanding this ability.” 

I trust Keith’s words profoundly, but confusion and doubt continue to reign supreme. I choose to simply follow his advice, believing that the issue will resurface and become much clearer in the future – perhaps when I work through more of my own issues of self-confidence. 

Already Gone 

“I have my own implant still in my abdomen.” I quickly point out to Keith. “Can I do this same procedure on myself to remove it?” 

“It is already gone.” Keith lightly chuckles. “You already removed it.” 

“I was thinking that I might have done that when I experienced the intense pain and emotion in my own abdomen as I attempted to work with her.” I respond to Keith. 

Thousands Of Chains 

Soon, Keith guides another woman deep into her subconscious. As he does so, I decide to follow along in my own process. 

Unexpectedly, I find myself in a dark room in which there are chains binding me to my family, both parents and children, shackling me with guilt, control, and demands of conformity. Realizing that these chains are loose and easily removed, I slip them over my head and step free. Then, bringing in intense light and love, I transmute the chains to nothingness. 

As I take a deeper look around the room, I suddenly realize that there are thousands of chains still binding me to family and past beliefs – chains of programming and attachments – chains binding me to guilt, behaviors, belief systems, and the like. I focus on shining a brilliant light while asking Higher Self to help me transmute any and all chains that no longer serve a future healing purpose – chains that are no longer necessary for my path. 

Empath Training Revisited 

Soon, Keith begins to guide the same woman into an empath training. 

As he does so, I feel my little inner child Sharon bouncing up and down, saying “I want to do it again.” 

“I do too.” I giggle back to my little girl. 

During phase one, I experience considerable pain as it reenters my body, piling up as I stuff it into my abdomen. 

During phase two, where the energy passes through me but does not touch me, I experience considerable energy movement in my abdomen as I envision the densities passing through me and down to the earth, which is where I seem to be sending them. 

As phase three begins, where the dense energies do not even touch my body, I am surprised at the level of doubt that suddenly consumes me. Yes, I feel a flow of energy coming straight toward me and then down to the earth, but a considerable amount of agitation and fear continue to churn in my tummy. 

Unfounded Fears 

“I have been feeling intense agitation and pain in my solar plexus for the last five minutes or so.” I explain to Keith when he checks in with me after the training. 

“This is your little child.” Keith responds with loving guidance. “She is terrified that if you release the controls and blocks that have prevented energy flow in your lower chakras – allowing the energies to come in and the magic to open up – that you will get new psychic implants put into you – that opening to new energies will automatically bring new psychic vulnerability.” 

“Is her fear founded?” I ask Keith curiously. 

“No, but she is deeply afraid that it will happen again.” Keith responds. 

“Why don’t you have a talk with her?” Keith encourages me. 

“I will have her go out in the meadow to have a chat with Higher Self.” I share my plan with Keith. 

“First,” Keith counters, “you need to talk to her yourself.” 

After a brief imaginary conversation with my precocious little girl, I soon send her out into the meadow for the remainder of the chocolate ceremony. To my delight, the pain in my abdomen quickly settles and relaxes, allowing me to feel quite peaceful. 

Summing Up The Subtleties 

“Brenda,” Keith provides feedback as I prepare to walk home, “as you have been so much lately, you were awesome today. You did beautiful work as you followed the flow.” 

As I reflect back on another remarkable day, I am utterly amazed at how the flow of my Higher Self did indeed lead me exactly where I needed to go, from start to finish. 

First I awoke early this morning from a very bizarre lucid dream, a dream leaving me feeling deep confusion and doubt regarding issues of sexuality.  

As I followed another woman’s process, taking me deep into the feminine realm of Mother Earth energies, deep fear and pain provided a powerful clue into the chains of sexual guilt and shame that shackle me. 

With Keith’s guidance, I discovered that psychic blocks were implanted into me by loving and well-intentioned adults – blocks designed to manipulate and control the sexual energies. The act of exploring these blocks unearthed deep emotional release and productive discussions regarding fixing energy. 

Then, a deeper journey into these subtle psychic chains brought great freedom and release along with new insights into budding magical abilities related to psychic surgery. 

Further following the metaphors, I came full circle with my little girl as we again experimented with empathic abilities – a process that uncovered deep fears that openness equals vulnerability – fears that were soon replaced with loving peace and trust. 

Yes, it seems that another beautiful orchestrated symphony of guidance has indeed held my hand throughout the day today, guiding me step by step with amazing clarity. 

It seems that each day is now an amazing adventure – a delightful treasure hunt. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

I can only giggle at how my journey with chaotic noise has shifted so powerfully. As Easter Sunday fades into darkness, the local “Feria” has now cranked up the volume to serious party mode. 

This annual town fair is a loud and noisy birthday celebration in honor of San Marcos’s patron saint, Saint Mark. For a couple of weeks now, the street in front of the basketball court has filled up with vendor booths – vendors selling everything from alimentos (food) to zapatos (shoes).  

Music sounds chaotically from every direction. Firework bombs blast and boom randomly and loudly throughout the skies – often as early as 4:00 a.m. and as late as midnight. 

Chaotic Vibrating Noise 

But the real noise is from the concerts that begin just after dark in the basketball court. Two large stages have been erected. Directly adjacent to one stage, less than fifty yards from my bedroom window, are two huge arrays of speakers, each consisting of thirty giant black speaker-boxes stacked wide and tall. Just one of those speakers is enough to blast intense vibrating sound in my direction. Sixty of them are deafening, physically shaking my entire second-floor apartment. 

I cannot help but giggle as I lie back on my bed late on Easter evening. While attempting to watch another Harry Potter movie I use both hands to hold little external computer speakers up to my ears, one on each side. Even with these speakers cranked up to maximum volume, just an inch away from my eardrums, I can barely distinguish the sounds of the movie over the intense vibrations of blaring concert sounds echoing through the air space around me. 

To my shock and amazement, ear plugs barely make a dent in the noise. I have experienced a few loud rock concerts back home while inside of a huge indoor arena with ear-splitting body-vibrating sound – yet the deafening noise in my bedroom tonight makes those concerts seem wimpy. 

Peaceful Surprise 

To my shock and amazement, I do not feel the least bit agitated. I am actually able to drift peacefully to sleep by simply imagining that the loud vibrations – vibrations that relentlessly pound my body – are actually something I desire and enjoy. It is as if I had put a few quarters in the vibrating bed of a cheap motel back in the 1970s and I am simply enjoying the relaxing buzzing sensations. 

When I wake up briefly at 12:45 a.m., I am quite delighted that I slept nearly three hours under such extreme conditions. Yes, the earth-shattering noise remains at full volume as my walls and bed continue to shake, but I have actually been sleeping. I giggle when the concert finally ceases at 1:00 a.m. because I was expecting it to continue on till almost 4:00 a.m. as the concerts did last year when I first arrived in San Marcos. 

I have to admit that I am a little more tired than usual when I wake up on Monday morning – but I am delighted at how I am learning to peacefully ignore noises that would have once driven me toward insanity.

An Energy Playground 

As I arrive early for the afternoon chocolate ceremony on Monday, April 25, I note that I am still a little energetically shut down in both the forehead and my abdomen. Perhaps void or dead might be better words. I feel absolutely no higher energy flow in either area. 

As I step into Keith’s kitchen to say hello, I discover Keith and Serg in deep meditation while electronically connected via Skype to a gentleman in Israel. Keith briefly fills me in on the fact that they are jointly exploring the process of remote energetic assistance – assistance in moving the energies and emotional densities of their friend in Israel. 

As I briefly participate in the process, I feel considerable vibration in my neck – one of the areas that Keith and Serg had been working on with their friend. 

Both Keith and Serg seem to be having a delightful time as they play with the possibilities. 

Clenching Resistance 

“You know that energy stuff you were doing when I got here?” I tentatively ask Keith at the start of ceremony. “Do you think it would be possible for the two of you to do the same thing with me, right here on the porch? I would love some further assistance in clearing out the densities in my solar plexus.” 

I half expect Keith to respond with a “No” as he momentarily checks with my guides. 

“All of us here are going to focus on helping Brenda.” Keith soon surprises me with this announcement to the group. 

“We are going to connect with her and see what we can do.” Keith continues. 

As the energy of everyone focuses in my direction, I begin to feel a light flow of emotional density leaving my body – but even more strongly I recognize that something in me is deeply clenching and resisting, terrified to let go. 

As I ponder further, I feel my little Sharon desperately clenching her body, frantically attempting to maintain her grasp on all of the emotional repositories that she does not yet want to let go of – that she does not want anyone to even know about. 

Sacred Pain 

For what feels like the longest time, the entire group focuses energy on assisting me – but little Sharon continues to intensely dig in her heels with fierce resistance. Throughout the process I experience only minuscule levels of energy release. 

The surprising eye opener for me comes from observing the bizarre levels of internal resistance – resistance that gradually increases in a desperate attempt to protect this secret and sacredly-guarded emotional pain. 

Painful Bread Crumbs 

Over time, the pain in my third-eye chakra begins to sharply intensify. 

“Brenda,” Keith soon guides me, “why don’t you help little Sharon go out into the meadow behind your heart and then ask her to have another chat with your Higher Self.”

As my precocious little inner child disappears into the meadow, I again experience sharp agitated pains in the back of my heart chakra. Sharon is not at all happy with being asked to let go of those hidden caches of emotional pain. 

I surrender control, not needing to know what is occurring out in that beautiful meadow. I simply trust and wait. 

Soon, I experience a brief energy tingling in my shoulders – energy that is actually a tiny bit painful. 

“Continue to be open Brenda,” Keith encourages me. “Just keep following the energy bread crumbs wherever they may lead, having no attachments.” 

Suddenly I begin to experience a very sharp pain in my lower forehead, right at the center of my third eye. 

A Stabbing Nail 

“Go into the pain.” Keith coaches me. “Feel it … lose yourself in it.” 

Rather than fight and resist the pain, I surrender, allowing the aching to grow and expand, asking it to show me something. 

For a while I find myself sinking deeper into meditation. The pain briefly transforms into pleasurable energy vibrations – but soon the aching returns. To my surprise the pain is no longer in the center of my third-eye chakra. The sharply focused agony is deep inside my head, exactly below the very center of my right eyebrow. 

“Keith,” I describe with astonishment, “I feel like I have a metaphorical nail or perhaps knife stabbing me in the brain, directly above my right eye, attempting to kill my right brain connections.” 

The “I” Word 

“Brenda,” Keith quickly shocks me, “I’m getting the word ‘implant’.” 

“I don’t usually use that word because it is so loaded,” Keith adds, “but I am strongly guided that the word implant is definitely appropriate in your situation.” 

Keith quickly clarifies that he is not talking about a physical implant, but a psychic one – one energetically placed there, probably by someone who did not even realize that they were doing it – someone who loved me and who had no idea that such a concept was even possible. 

As I meditate further into the pain, new insights flood my awareness. 

Masking The Chaos 

“This is the source of that chaotic “yes/no/yes/no” pulsing that I have been uncovering for some time.” I ponder profoundly. “This is the source of the relentless confusion that still occasionally overwhelms me.” 

The more I focus on the pain it literally feels like some type of pulsing energy beacon throbbing inside of my right brain. I feel as if this energy was engineered as some type of mind-control torture – designed to distract, to irritate and to brainwash me. 

“This throbbing has caused me so much annoyance and confusion during my life,” the insights continue to surface, “that I have had to completely shutdown and numb myself in order to successfully ignore the painful pulsing.” 

“By blocking out the chaotic energies,” I further ponder, “I became incapable of hearing and feeling the more subtle and peaceful divine connections that used to be so natural.” 

I Can Do This 

“Now that you have found it,” Keith again begins to coach me, “you need to remove it.” 

“I want you to choose the method yourself,” Keith guides me. “Involve your Higher Self and do something that a part of you already knows how to do.” 

“Perhaps you need to consider giving the implant back to the person who put it there.” Keith adds a clue. 

As I ponder Keith’s instructions, my logical mind has absolutely no idea how to proceed – but a sense of inner confidence tells me “I can do this.” 

A Mother’s Voice 

From deep in meditation, I ask my Higher Self to bring in a metaphorical angel to help me – imploring the angel to retrieve the psychic implant for me. I desperately want that pulsing energetic torture out of me. 

While intensely focusing all of my energy on the present-moment task at hand, I literally begin to feel as if a long deep straw-like tunnel opens up in my right eyebrow. Then I sense something sucking on the straw, pulling and pulling. The entire process takes several minutes as I watch the pain move ever so gradually, starting from deep inside my brain and eventually arriving at the surface of my forehead. 

“OK parents and all you church leaders.” I meditatively begin to give instructions. “I am not sure who you are, but I would like the owner of this implant to please step forward.” 

Immediately, an image of my dear sweet mother pops into my head. I attempt to push the image away, focusing instead on others, but her face continues to presence itself in my awareness. 

A brief flashback consumes my thoughts – a memory of a channeling session with my friend Trish – a session in which she told me that my mother’s voice is still dominating my belief systems and behavior. 

Time For Healing 

“I love you mom,” I ponder deeply, “but this implant no longer belongs to me. It is yours to deal with. I know that it was unknowingly placed energetically in my head as an act of love – an act of desperation to help me follow your well-intentioned guidance and instruction – but the implant is no longer mine to carry.” 

“It belongs to you.” I tenderly continue. “You need to take it back and either transmute it yourself, or deal with it as part of your own loving journey – but it is indeed yours to deal with.” 

Almost immediately, I intuitively sense that the pulsing has ceased – but I continue to feel twitching and energy movements that now spread around to different parts of my brain. 

“It is gone Brenda.” Keith reassures me. “What you are now feeling is energies beginning to open up and heal in various parts of your head and brain.” 

My Right Eyes 

As I further meditate, the metaphorical tunnel beneath my right eyebrow continues to hurt and twitch. 

“It is just part of the healing process.” The Jedi voices quietly reassure me. 

Soon, my attention is drawn to fears that surfaced last fall when my friend Sandra pointed out a small growth on the inner white area of my right eye – a growth that several people warned me could be a cataract. 

“I’m not seeing with my right eyes.” The inner voices had reassured me during the unfolding weeks after that fearful discovery.  

That tiny growth is still there, but peace remains in my heart, lovingly reminding me that the Universe continues to metaphorically communicate to me how important it is for me to begin seeing with my spiritual eyes – opening up my sensitivity to the vision that really matters. 

A Restrictive Belt 

As I relax and sink deeper into peaceful meditation, I simply observe the tingling energies while Keith begins to work with others. 

Eventually I focus on bringing in more expanded love into my heart, attempting to send that love back down into my energetically-weak solar plexus. As I do so, I notice that the pain in my solar plexus, which had disappeared while I worked with my forehead, suddenly begins to resurface. 

I remember Serg’s earlier description of how the link between my heart and solar plexus seems to have been severed. My own guidance is now beginning to confirm this reality in a powerful and painful way. While on rare occurrences I am blessed with occasional glimpses of delightful energy flow in my tummy – the flow usually feels dead and void, as it does again today. I am not even sure if I believe that energy can actually flow in these lower chakra areas. 

As I focus on my abdomen, the pain suddenly begins to intensify. My entire belly begins to bloat and swell, painfully bulging and churning. Even more strange is that I feel something tightly squeezing my abdomen directly below the rib cage – as if it were a very tight belt that prevents energy from flowing between my heart and solar plexus. 

Shallow Breathing 

Almost immediately I remember another strange metaphor. 

For the last few days I have frequently taken note of the fact that I feel very short of breath whenever I attempt to meditate. For inexplicable reasons, every time that I attempt to relax and surrender to the energies, my breathing seems to be forced, rapid, and shallow. 

“Go further into that metaphor.” Keith proudly congratulates me. “This is going to be powerful.” 

“Right after I pee.” I giggle “I really need to be able to focus on the process.” 

Broken 

“I just had a very profound realization as I was preparing to leave the bathroom.” I excitedly share with Keith. “I suddenly felt as if my mother was sitting on my abdomen, squashing my ability to breathe.” 

“Congratulations on a profound discovery.” Keith verbally pats me on the back. 

“This is a war of wills.” Keith clarifies, reminding me that the solar plexus is the power center, the chakra where our power and will are located. 

As I allow my mind to drift back to around ages three through six, I clearly recognize that what my mother did to me was innocent and well-intentioned – desperately trying to teach me to be a good little Mormon boy. But in her attempt to turn me into a proper religious and cultural citizen, she literally broke my will, turning me into a people-pleasing robot. 

“It was not training,” I emphasize to Keith. “It was literally as if I had been broken like a horse. I resisted forcefully with lots of tears and tantrums.” 

“And I feel like I want to throw a tantrum right now.” I tell Keith through flowing tears of recognition. 

Sad Six-Year-Old 

As Keith moves on, I sink deeply into meditation, sincerely searching for any childhood memories that might confirm or deny what I am feeling. The emotional memories are profoundly clear – while the physical ones remain vague. 

I clearly remember having felt frequent and deep emotions of tearful rebellion – as if my voice were being ignored and discounted – as if I desperately wanted my feelings to be understood and validated. 

I also vividly remember repeated physical punishments. While I cannot tie the corporal punishment to specific ages or events, I absolutely know that I was spanked both with hands and belts, and that such painful punishment was not rare. Even more common was having my mouth washed out with soap or having cayenne pepper sprinkled on my tongue – something that happened on a frequent basis. 

I must have been quite the rebellious and mouthy little toddler, desperately attempting to exert my will, to fight back against what I considered unreasonable and unfair repression by my mother. 

Strangely enough, I have always remembered myself as having a happy childhood with parents who loved me deeply. I also believe these memories to be true – to a certain point that is. I was happy as long as I obeyed and agreed to live the normal traditional life as I was taught. 

But when I stare honestly at my first grade photo, what I see is a very sad little six-year-old boy. 

Pill Pushing 

As I further meditate, I suddenly develop a very strong headache at the top of my forehead, extending slightly on either side. 

“I remember having lots of headaches as a child.” I tell Keith as new memories surface. “I remember crying about the headaches, frequently begging my mother to give me some baby aspirin to help relieve the sharp pains.” 

“The headaches were me fighting back.” I share with further clarity. “In the middle of being shut down, I was resisting the shutdown, resisting the programming, desperately fighting the conditioning process.” 

“Those pills just caused me to push and stuff the pain back down,” I speak intuitively, “causing me to further suppress and repress those deep emotions.” 

Relieving Release 

For another twenty minutes I descend into further silent pondering. 

Suddenly, I find myself sinking into the emotion of a child who wants to be angry with hateful rage about what is happening to me. 

Recognizing my need to further understand and release, I grab a nearby cushion and begin lightly punching to further stimulate the angry feelings. 

Seconds later I collapse forward, sinking into deep painful sobs. The intense emotions surge powerfully while I simultaneously attempt to restrain myself from being overly dramatic or disturbing the group around me. 

Extremely painful waves of emotion surge through my solar plexus region as this deep emotion is released, layer after layer. Finally, after perhaps fifteen minutes, I collapse into exhausted relaxation.  

“I’m not feeling pain in my head or in my abdomen right now.” I ponder silently. “It feels so wonderful.” 

Channeled Wisdom 

“Sorry Brenda,” Keith begins to speak as he channels my own guides (and I am paraphrasing from memory). 

“But your life mission requires you to understand the shutdown process at very profound levels from every possible angle.” Keith continues channeling. “You will be helping a lot of people with this and you need to have experienced it deeply – first going through the shutdown process with profound resistance, and then going through the intense healing process so as to fully understand it all.” 

“I know.” I respond. “And I don’t feel as if I am done yet.” 

“No you are not.” Keith nods in knowing agreement. 

Carefully Orchestrated Symphony 

During the remainder of the ceremony, I sit in deep silence, pondering the realizations and experiences of an amazing and profound afternoon. I continue to be blown away by the manner in which my guides and the Universe repeatedly, day after day, bring me ever deepening understanding of the childhood shutdown process. I could never have planned any of this – I could never have even come close to planning this. 

By simply surrendering to the flow of my own Higher Self, I seem to be on a personal guided tour of how it all works – a tour that is providing me with profound and tedious first-hand understanding into every possible angle. Deep trust and joy fill my soul as I witness this amazing tour continue to unfold like a carefully orchestrated symphony. 

Not Yet Arrived 

For a while, both my forehead and abdomen had been filled with joyful and peaceful clarity – brief glimpses into how my body will feel when the learning process is complete. But alas, a feeling of cloudiness gradually returns to my third eye, just as mild pain and a void of energy flow again consume my belly. 

Intuitively I recognize the wisdom of it all. These glimpses have skillfully reminded me of where I am headed, but also clearly indicate that I have not yet arrived – that much exploration and learning remains to be done. 

Pizza Postlude 

“Good job and well done. You are on the right track.” Keith congratulates me as I prepare to walk home. 

When I near my house, I cannot resist simply buying some street-pizza from one of the crowded booths near the basketball court. For only $1.25 US, I can fill my tummy with so-so Hawaiian Pizza while simultaneously treating myself to a little more free time during the evening to come. 

Just like last night, another earth-shaking, ear-drum-breaking concert soon cranks up the volume shortly after dark. 

Childlike Excitement 

I find it almost humorous that the Universe is surrounding me with noise and chaos on the very day when I uncover a psychic implant that has filled my inner life with energetic noise and chaos – chaos that has frequently led to frustration, confusion, and an inability to function. 

To my delight, for the second night in a row, I am able to lovingly ignore the external pulsing chaos of another blasting concert, again achieving a semi-restful sleep. 

But a more powerful internal shift is taking form. 

Gratitude overflows my heart as I realize that the pulsing source of inner chaos has finally been uncovered and removed. 

Deep childlike excitement fills my heart as I ponder just how this latest discovery and release might bring more relaxing peace to life as I perceive it. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

It seems that even on my days off from inner work, I can no longer escape the inner journey that continues to nudge me, grabbing my hand and taking me ever deeper at every turn. 

Refund Requested 

In the wee hours of Saturday morning, I awaken from a strange dream involving family members back home. As I immediately meditate on the details, I begin to recognize that I see the concept of love through cloudy filtered lenses. It seems that deep in my subconscious I believe that love in this world automatically equals responsibility and commitment – that I cannot fully love someone without committing to forever sacrifice a precious portion of my time and freedom, of my financial and emotional resources, and of my capacity to follow my own journey. 

I know I know … it is a bizarre belief, but it does indeed seem to mirror past dysfunctional patterns of my life – the extreme reluctance to reach out to new people in an unconditionally loving way because of fears that our lives may become too entangled, causing me to feel guilty or burdened.  

“What if we become close friends?” I subconsciously panic. “Then I will be obligated to stay in touch and to do the things that society dictates that friends are supposed to do for each other.” 

“It is better to isolate and withdraw from social opportunities so as not to attract too many new friends.” I further explore this old belief. “Otherwise my life will be consumed by the demands of others and I will never be able to follow my own path.” 

I laugh at myself as I realize how utterly dysfunctional this belief has been in my life – a twisted absolute-knowing that love equals burdens – that love equals eventual loss of self-identity. Perhaps it is time to return this totally defective belief back to the societal-store where it was purchased, demanding a full refund. 

Another Life Rule 

“I must have another rule in my subconscious rulebook.” I think sleepily to myself. 

Soon, I guide myself deep into the recesses of my mind, searching for the room with the pedestal and book on top. When I glance at the open page, sure enough I feel the presence of a rule that absolutely insists that love will imprison me with lifelong obligations and commitments. 

Throughout this meditation, ego seems determined to make me fail. I fight to remain awake, momentarily falling asleep at least five or six times. Each time that I briefly return to a waking state, I again attempt to pick up where I left off. 

Three times I envision myself ripping these metaphorical pages out of the rule book. Three times I struggle to remain conscious while systematically destroying those pages in fun and creative ways. 

Metaphorical Computer Maintenance 

Before returning to dreamland, I allow the meditation to proceed even deeper. I am guided to visualize my physical brain as being a computer, having a metaphorical “task-manager” program that keeps track of what programs are currently running. 

The metaphor causes me to giggle as I picture these little nerdy-angels running around in my brain – yet I know the process to be actually communicating with real subconscious belief-system energies. Were it not for the fact that I soon fall asleep, I may have continued this delightful meditation for several more hours. 

Beautiful Glimpses 

After a beautiful day of writing, I again find myself drifting in and out of meditative states all throughout Saturday night. At times I am delighted by spontaneous energy flow in my spinal and back regions – but the flow is not consistent and I intuitively sense the existence of many blockages. 

“Perhaps …,” I ponder peacefully, “just perhaps the Universe is giving me glimpses of what I have to look forward to in the future, while simultaneously reminding me that much work remains before such beautiful energy flow will become an integrated part of my path.” 

A Brick Wall 

I cannot imagine a more delightful way to spend Easter morning than to be blessed with over three hours of inspiring Skype conversation with several beloved friends back home – followed by another couple of hours to simply meditate and rest before what I anticipate may be an intense chocolate ceremony. 

“Wow, Brenda,” Keith briefly comments at the start of the meditation segment of our afternoon ceremony. “You seem to be finding much more peace in your meditative silence today.” 

Throughout the meditation, I calmly search for some type of metaphorical thread onto which I might grab and begin to follow. I continue to feel cloudy and blocked in my forehead, with mild-but-sharp pain manifesting itself just above the belly button. But try as I might, I cannot seem to garnish any further insights to lead me deeper. I feel stuck, at the end of an alley with no where to go. 

As Keith begins to work with a woman from Australia, it becomes quite clear that he is leading her down the path of recognizing her lifelong struggles with having been an empath – someone who unknowingly sucked up the emotional densities of everyone around her, painfully storing them inside of her own body. 

In the meantime, I continue to hit a brick wall in my attempts to further unravel the threads of my own meditative journey. 

No Pressures Please 

“Bring in your little child to help you identify the ongoing cause of your confusion.” Keith finally guides me during a quick check-in. 

“What is she showing you?” Keith soon inquires. 

Immediately, I notice that my hands and body are tightly clenching. Simultaneously, I am overwhelmed with an intuitive rush of knowing, telling me that I am still trying to shut down the energies, trying to protect myself from something. 

“It has something to do with the empath stuff.” I feel my little inner child whisper. 

“Go inside and ask her what she needs.” Keith coaches. 

“She needs my love, patience, and understanding.” I respond after briefly meditating. “She cannot handle the pressure of demands and expectations.” 

Prickly Poking To Participate 

While Keith continues working with this empath woman from Australia, I continue to remain deep in my own meditative journey, intuitively listening to the feelings of little Sharon. This precocious little inner child of mine is deeply interested in rediscovering her own empath abilities, but without the pressure to perform. As the conversation across the porch continues, little Sharon is feeling quite agitated, causing painful vibrations to prickle and poke in my abdomen. 

When Keith begins the three-part empath training, he specifically looks in my direction and asks me to follow along – making it known that this is important for me. Little Sharon immediately insists that she is an empath and that she is the one who will be participating in the training – just as her male counterpart, Bobby, had excitedly done a few days ago. 

Phase One – Eating It 

In phase one of the empath training, Keith first reassures everyone that this is a demonstration for training purposes – telling them that the emotional densities they will feel are real, but that they can be undone at any moment. 

Keith adds that the purpose of this first phase is to help the empath to open awareness – an awareness that has often been shutdown or repressed – an awareness into how they may be unknowingly doing this now, or perhaps may have done it in the past.

Keith asks the person being trained to connect with an enlightened being in front of them, one with whom they have a longstanding relationship. As the being begins to supply them with a steady stream of emotional densities, the trainee will allow those densities to enter his or her own body. The person will “metaphorically eat” the densities just as they have done throughout their entire life. 

Immediately I feel an intense emotional pain swelling in my abdomen. As I do so, I sense Sharon’s deep recognition of having consumed this type of pain as a child, stuffing down huge repositories of such emotional density – density that was so horrible that she literally shut down the entire ability from her conscious awareness, completely blocking all empath abilities in a desperate attempt at survival. 

Tears bubble in the corners of my eyes as I contemplate the intensity of what I now feel boiling inside.

“Where do you feel the energies entering your body?” Keith asks. “And where do you store them?” 

“Entering through my heart chakra,” I respond on behalf of Sharon, “and I feel as if it is going straight to my second and third chakras where it is being painfully stuffed away deep in my abdomen.” 

Phase Two – Running It Through You 

As training shifts to phase two, Keith again reminds everyone that this is merely a demonstration that can be stopped and undone at any time. What is about to happen can be quite disconcerting to some people. 

“The being in front of you is now going to supply you with ten times the amount of emotional density that you have ever eaten at any one tine in your entire life.” Keith begins the process. 

He then explains that the trainee will allow the density to pass through their body, but will not eat it, not storing it anywhere in their field. Instead, they will feel it passing right through them, without touching them, either going up to the angels, or flowing down into Mother Earth – or perhaps both. Keith often instructs people to meditatively follow the density wherever it flows as an exercise in validating that the angels and Mother Earth do indeed know how to transmute all of that painful emotional energy into pure white light. 

As Sharon and I perform this step together, I feel a weak flow of energy entering in through my heart, passing through my abdomen, and being directed down toward the earth. Some in the group feel the energy quite profoundly, but my lower channels remain quite blocked. Doubt begins to consume my mind as I start to feel inadequate, incapable of the increased sensitivity and awareness that seem to come so easily to others. 

I remember how Sharon was nervous about not wanting to be pressured to perform. 

Phase Three – Straight To Its Higher Evolvement 

Keith again reminds everyone that this is merely a demonstration as we quickly slip into phase three of the training. 

“The being in front of you is now going to supply you with one-hundred times the amount of emotional density that you have ever experienced at any one time in your whole life.” Keith begins. 

He then explains that, for the purpose of this process, the energy will not even enter our body. As the densities exit the being and start to come toward us, we will direct them to go straight to their destination, whether that is up or down, so that they can be transmuted directly by the angels or Mother Earth without ever needing to even touch us. 

While others seem to sense powerful energetic flows in front of them, Sharon and I again only experience a very mild sensitivity to the energy – but we do feel it flowing gently outside, going down to the earth, and I also feel my own inner densities lightening considerably as many of my own heavy energies seem to leave my body and join with the flow. 

Not Servants 

As the training nears completion, Keith explains that the time for eating the emotional densities is now over – that we have received all the training we need in eating painful dense energies – that there is no longer anything to be learned by consuming someone else’s pain and storing it inside. We are now free to choose – to continue hurting or to learn to use the divine assistance that has always been waiting to assist. 

Keith tells us that we each have divine beings who are always ready and eager to assist. 

“They do not expect you to be their servants.” Keith strongly emphasizes. “Instead, they are there to serve you, just waiting for you to request their assistance – to ask them to move the energy densities for you.” 

Keith goes on to clarify that no divine being will ever push us in our process (except possibly our own Higher Self in extreme circumstances) – and that initially we are required to ask for assistance before it will be provided. 

Considering Possibilities 

As little Sharon and I finish the training, I sit for a while in stunned silence. 

“Keith,” I inquisitively ask a while later, “is it really possible for my little child to have been an empath all these years without me even knowing it?” 

“Is it actually possible that I have been so energetically shut down that such awareness would not show up until over fifty years later?” I prod for answers. 

“Yes, Brenda,” Keith smiles with loving assurance, “that is very possible.” 

Intuitively, the inner voices are strongly shouting that this is exactly what happened to me – that what happened today was real. 

I can only trust the intuitions, while simultaneously thanking the doubts for keeping me humble and ever questioning. 

One thing is absolutely certain. The energy channels in my body remain deeply clogged and sporadic. 

Powerful experiences continue to show me tantalizing glimpses of where I am headed, encouraging me to continue my magical pursuits – but weak sensitivity and energy flow let me know that much work remains to be done before I arrive at the expansive beaches of that mystical ocean. 

Emotional Treasures 

As if on cue, Keith’s magical porch again clears by 3:50 p.m., leaving only Keith, me, and Serg. Curiosity fills my heart as I contemplate what opportunities might next unfold. 

It seems that the processing today has deeply triggered my friend. Serg is struggling with emotional pain that he has never before been able to release. His yogic training, while powerful in the movement of energies, has been all about techniques, mudras, mantras, and the like. No matter how many times Serg clears the energy from his body using methods of his yogic training, the blockages always return. 

As I understand it, and as Keith also confirms, our most painful emotional journeys are not by accident. We ourselves planned our life circumstances to include getting lost in what we often might see as emotional nightmares – deep struggles with emotional densities that cover unseen and hidden treasure chests of wisdom and understanding. 

When we carry such heavy loads of emotional density, these painful energies cannot simply be removed by non-emotional energy work. Yes, the densities may go away for a day or two, but they will always return because they have something profound to teach us. 

It is not until we go into them, feeling them to the bottom (the process varies for everyone), that we are finally able to pry the lid off the treasure chest of this powerful personal growth – the most important growth that we came to this world to achieve. 

Emotional Serg-eries  

Dear Serg is deeply lost in his pain – hopelessly lost in the feeling that he will never be free of it – and desperately confused as to why he cannot accomplish such a task using rational mind and yogic techniques. 

Keith and I both take opportunities to share our own wisdom and insights into the matter. I just giggle as I recognize that Keith and I say almost the exact same things in different ways … but for some reason Serg seems to give more weight to my words because I have a Master’s Degree in the world of psychological understanding – even though Keith has far more experience in helping others than do I. 

I encourage Serg to do something that terrifies him – to trust me and to dive deeply into the world of experiential emotional release – something that I find quite easy given my background of nearly eight years of personally doing it on a frequent basis – something that I have witnessed as bringing profound results both to myself and to countless others. 

“But Brenda,” Serg begs through fear-filled tears. “How do it do it? And why do I have to do it?” 

The thought of expressing long-buried emotions, whether publicly or privately, brings up huge walls of resistance. Our society teaches that childhood pain, or adult traumas from years past, are best left undisturbed. We are led to believe that reopening old wounds will simply stir things up, making them worse, causing unneeded pain to contaminate the present. 

It is even more difficult for most men. 

“Just tough it up and be strong.” We tell young boys when they start to cry.  

Apologies Of Privacy 

I am thrilled at having the opportunity – a beautiful opportunity to help coach a dear friend as he searches for the courage to possibly embrace a non-structured, non-rational, right-brained approach toward the process of emotional healing. 

I will not further breech the privacy of my friend. He is brave and courageous, and I not only admire his profound energy gifts, but also his determination to heal his own life in new and deeper less-logical ways. 

Yes, I have disguised his name, but Serg and those who know him will definitely know I am referring to him. I deeply pray that my friend will forgive me for these candid words – words that I am strongly guided need to be shared in my writing. 

Mirrored Magic 

Both Keith and I continue to work with Serg. I love the process of assisting, but I am also filled with gratitude as I clearly recognize that these two long hours actually seem perfectly designed to give me what I myself need. 

As Serge furthers his own process – a process that involves discovering his powerlessness and taking back that power – I also begin to recognize how much of my own personal power has been pushed out of my body and relegated to others. But in attempting to reenergize my solar plexus, I intuitively recognize that I have other healing that must first occur. 

An Easter Metaphor 

As this beautiful Easter afternoon is about to end, I am blown away by the clarity of the magic unfolding around me. I can unmistakably see how Serg is profoundly mirroring my own issues back to me, and how his presence on the porch is exactly what I need to stimulate and to trigger my own healing processes. 

I giggle at the thought as I stroll home shortly before dark. 

After devouring leftover pizza and a peanut butter and honey sandwich, I feel quite energized, quickly immersing myself in the magic of a Harry Potter movie. 

“Could it be that magic actually lives inside of me?” I ponder as I finally rest on my pillow. “Is there really a magical theme park locked away in my head, just waiting for me to wake up? 

“And is it really possible that I actually was an empath as a tiny child?” I ponder into dreamland. “Could I have been so traumatized by the confusing emotional energies of others that I completely repressed it all?” 

I cannot help but contemplate an amazing Easter metaphor as I ponder the possibilities that divine magic, once martyred by cultural, religious, and societal programming, is in the process of magically resurrecting itself. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved