Brenda's Bicycles

It is time for another round of photos. As with my writing I am quite behind. These photos were all taken between January 1 and the first week of March.

As usual, what you will see when you initially open the blog is a series of thumbnail images with descriptive text. Often, the thumbnail images cut out part of the photo on the sides, and always they are of very low resolution.

With any photo, if you desire to see a larger high resolution image, all you need to do is to click on the photo itself. You can view or download and save.

I hope you enjoy.

Trip To The Mountains

On January 18, a group of seven of us set out on an incredible adventure — one of exchanging ceremonies with two Mayan Priestess (shaman) women who live high in the mountains, just a couple of hours from Lake Atitlan.

NOTE: for privacy reasons, I will not be mentioning names of locations or names of some people.

For the first leg of our trip, we rode in the back of an open-air pickup. These public transport options are quite common all over in the back country of Guatemala. In this photo are Keith and Moses.

Also in the back of the truck are Rae (white sweater) and Ambe. You can barely see part of Lake Atitlan and a distant volcano in the very center of the photo.

Another photo of Ambe. Again you can see a little of Lake Atitlan in the background.

Soon, we find ourselves riding comfortably in what most foreigners call a “chicken bus” — an old school bus converted to public transport. They are affectionately called “chicken buses” because the local people carry just about anything on them, including chickens.

In this photo are Keith and Rae.

Also in the bus are Isaias and his beautiful young bride. Isaias is Keith’s handsome helper.

We talked Isaias into snapping this photo of Rae and I. Rae, as you may recall from my writing, is my beautiful roommate from Canada. She just barely arrived a few days earlier, and is in San Marcos to film a documentary surrounding Keith and what he does.

As we stopped to change buses, I snapped this photo of a typical “chicken bus”. This is not the one we were on, but it is very similar.

Rae having the time of her life, beginning to film in the home of the beautiful Mayan family that we went to visit.

Keith comparing hand sizes with this darling Mayan boy. We foreigners are quite strange to them. They have never seen so many tall and different people.

Isaias posing with one of the two bulls who graze lazily near the family outhouse. This field is directly adjacent to the family home.

Inside the family home, visiting and enjoying sweet bread and some type of hot coffee-like drink. If you look closely you can see that the floor of this large bedroom / gathering room is hard, dry, dirt. In the photo, left to right are Rae, Keith, Moses, and Ambe.

A close-up photo of the table with our treats, and the earthen floor. This home is quite typical of many homes in which the Mayan people live — especially in the more rural areas of Guatemala.

The father of the two Mayan Priestess sisters builds Marimbas for a living. This photo was taken inside of the shop where he builds these famous Guatemalan instruments. Much of the wood used needs to be dried  for years and years.

Right to left: Ambe, Isaias, Isaias’ wife

Another photo inside the workshop. The young man in the center is the brother of the two shaman women. He is a friend of Isaias.

A whole assortment of maize (corn) hanging and drying by the house. The black corn makes especially delicious tortillas.

The entrance to this part of the home. Inside, you can barely see Isaias and Keith. The little area where the corn is drying is right to the left of the door. You can also see the handles of a wheelbarrow sticking out.

Some of the wood for a new Marimba, drying in the sun after having received a coat of some type of varnish.

A view of part of the local village as seen from the family home. In the foreground is an old cornfield.

Walking through the village on our way to buy supplies for the sacred ceremonial fire.

Rae doing a little filming, attempting to be incognito with her camera hidden under a scarf.

Ambe and Moses walking back up to the family home. Moses is carrying a basket filled with supplies that we just purchased for the ceremonial fire.

The marimba shop is off to the left, the room where we originally visited is right in the middle, and to the right is the family kitchen with a separate entrance.

This is the grandmother of the two shaman/Priestess women. I just love her, and her beautiful traditional hat. I tried conversing with her, but she does not speak any Spanish at all. She only speaks the local Mayan dialect. I understand that there are something like 23 different languanges spoken in Guatemala, most of those being different dialects of Mayan.

For the fire ceremony, we hiked up to the top of a nearby hill. The woman standing just right of center is one of the two shaman/priestess women. She guided us in a deeply spiritual and heart warming ceremony, after the traditions of her ancestors.

Left to Right: Ambe, Moses, the shaman’s brother, and the beautiful Mayan Priestess.

Rae was allowed to film provided that she guaranteed that the footage would not be used for any commercial purposes. On the far left are Isaias and his wife.

I only took a few photos during the setup. In this shot, the fire is still being prepared.

A closer view of the fire prior to the ceremony.

If you look closely, you can see two beautifully carved rocks, one at the top of center, one at the bottom of center. Each represents a “nagual” on the Mayan calendar. One belongs to each of the Mayan Priestess/shaman women. They received them as they finished their own spiritual training.

These are very sacred.

Another beautiful photo of the amazing woman who led our ceremony.

After the powerful ceremony concluded, we hiked back down the hillside toward the village below. It is a beautiful place.

Hiking down the trail. Left to right: Keith, Isaias, Rae, Moses …

A beautiful field ready for planting a new crop of maize (corn). We passed this field while hiking back down to the vilage.

A local rooster in a nearby cornfield.

This little piggie played in the field too.

Almost back to the valley floor …

Approaching the family home from a different angle. The Marimba shop is in the front right. The big room where the first photos were taken is in the front left.

 

The delicious bowl of chicken soup that was served to me by this beautiful family. This lunch was quite delicious — a large chunk of chicken breast, a tasty broth, raman-like noodles, and some sliced steamed veggies.

The family outhouse as seen from the backside. The home is in the background. It was quite the adventure to first sneak past the bulls and then sit in an open-air stall. Notice the see-through nature of the facilities.

I love the simplicity of such rustic living.

Another view of the outhouse as seen from the house, looking through the bulls. The outhouse is the one on the left.

I just love capturing unique photos of traditional life. In this gorgeous photo, a local man is walking down the street carrying a huge load of corn stalks on his back. If you look closely, you can see that the strap supporting the weight is suspended from his forehead.

Another shot of local culture that I could not resist.

Our beautiful hostess chopping wood to use in the family wood stove. She is preparing to boil water on the stove — water that will be used for our cacao ceremony.

The family cooking stove. This is in the kitchen, which is in the other half of the main home area. This room has a beautiful concrete floor.

The pot at the back of the stove contains the water being heated for our cacao ceremony.

Seated in one corner of the large room where we did the chocolate ceremony, left to right, are the grandma, the mother (of the two Priestess women), and one of the children, sipping on his cup of hot chocolate.

Another photo of our beautiful hostess.

Moses and Ambe during the ceremony.

More of our host family. The other Mayan Priestess/Shaman is the woman seated in the rear.

Trip To Momostenango

On January 29, 2011, six of us set out at 6:00 a.m. in Keith’s little truck. Three of us squeezed into the back, squished in atop layers of cushions. We were on a new adventure  to check out the town of Momostenango, a place said to the the home of a beautiful market where woolen goods (blankets, ponchos, carpets, etc…) are sold. We had no idea as to the schedule of the market. We simply went during one of Keith’s non-ceremonial days.

A fun photo of Rae standing on a lookout hill, high above Lake Atitlan. We stopped here after winding back and forth up a steep mountain, arriving barely before sunrise.

Looking out across Lake Atitlan. The sun is about to rise beyond the far mountains. San Marcos is down on the lake,  just beyond the left edge of the photo.

A tiny cloud above a mountain to our right, away from the sunrise. The orange glow of the rising sun casts a beautiful effect on the cloud.

Below are the towns of San Juan (lower right) and San Pedro, (further back and a little left). The San Pedro volcano is the closest one. The little town of Santiago sits in an inlet just beyond the San Pedro Volcano, and the Mystical Yoga Farm is further up that bay (hidden behind the volcano).

Note: This is the western end of Lake Atitlan.

Keith and Skye, standing atop the beautiful lookout area, staring out at the sunrise and Lake Atitlan below.

From the same vantage point, this photo is taken looking toward the east. In the very center is the town of San Pablo. Just a tiny bit higher and further away, behind two small hills, you can easily see portions of the town of San Marcos. In the far distance, at the top center, you can barely see traces of Panajachel — the town where I visit every week or so (via boat) in order to get cash from an ATM and to shop for food etc…

Ambe and Moses, glowing in the light of the early morning sunrise.

Looking down at the road that winds up the steep hill. If you look closely, you can see many of the switchbacks. This road is often heavily damaged by mudslides during rainy season, making passage impossible.

At the top left of the photo, you can again see San Pablo and portions of San Marcos.

A zoomed-in close-up of a chicken bus climbing the winding road. There are places on this road where a bus has to stop and back up in order to navigate the sharp and narrow curves.

The back end of Keith’s little truck, carefully backed in at the lookout area, pointed out toward the main road.

A fun shot of Rae filming the lake scenery below.

Another beautiful photo of Rae busy at work.

The chicken bus is getting closer. This photo is not zoomed as much, allowing a view of some of the switch backs and the lake below.

A beautiful photo with everyone lit up by the glow of the rising sun. Left to right: Ambe, Moses, Keith, Skye, Rae.

Directly between Keith and Skye you can see a closer view of San Marcos. The little hill I often climb (half way up) is directly above Rae’s head on the far right. My home is just to the right of Skye’s right shoulder, barely hidden by the hill. Keith lives on the eastern end of town, directly to the right of Skye’s head, slightly hidden behind the small hilltop.

A very unflattering photo that I took of myself and Rae (with my arm outstretched). We are squeezed in the back of Keith’s truck. On the other side of Rae sits Moses. In the front you can see profiles of Keith, Skye and Ambe.

Further up the mountain, we stopped again at a beautiful overlook. This is a photo of Lake Atitlan from that vantage point. The smoky village straight below is San Pablo. The smoky village on the lower right is San Pedro.

Our group at the view area.

Ambe and Keith at the view area.

Another beautiful view of the lake, this one looking more to the Southeast towards Antigua. Keith tells us that the volcanoes at left center are near Antigua, and that the puffs of cloud drifting to the right are coming from an active volcano.

Looking down the road from our view area.

A closely zoomed-in photo of San Pablo, far in the lake valley below. All of the smoke is from local kitchens as the people cook their morning tortillas.

Another zoomed-in shot of tortilla smoke, this one covering the town of San Pedro.

Momostenango

After a couple of  hours of driving, some up steep mountain roads filled with ruts, we finally arrive in Momostenango. To our dismay, today is not the day for the famous wollen-goods markets. But the local market is in full swing, and we hang out in the center of town for a while.

Rae and Skye, eating a breakfast of tortillas, quesso fresco (fresh cheese — white, soft and flavorful) and chile picante sauce.

Ambe enjoying a half papaya with other sliced fruits piled on top. Yum.

Part of the market as seen from where we eat breakfast. We are in some type of church square, completely built-up with shops constructed out of metal frames, plastic, and wood.

One of the typical local shops in the market.

Another  one selling shoes.

A sign on a wall, near the center of town. We had left the market and began to search if there might be some way to find the home/factory of a local woolen goods maker. It was quite the journey of synchronous events, with me trying to be the main Spanish speaker — and I still do not speak fluently.

To our delight, after about an hour of following synchronicities, we ended up at the family home where many wollen goods are made — a wonderful experience.

This gentleman is the grandfather of the family, standing in front of a contraption that he uses to spin the wool and make it usable by the looms. He briefly showed us how he does it.

Moses trying on one of the beautiful ponchos that is made here. Rae and Skye are in the background.

A small part of the extended family, eagerly showing us various items that they have for sale.

One of the many fascinating looms that they have at their house. Each size of project (large blanket, smaller poncho, rugs etc) require different sizes of looms.

Some of the yarn they use in the looms, hanging and waiting to be used. They had a huge variety of colors, all hand-died. Skye bought a large selection of this yarn to take home.

Another family member showing us one of the larger looms.

And another loom …

I absolutely love this photo. This grandma has so much character and the pots on the shelf are so beautiful. The photo is filled with cultural flavors.

A few of the beautiful children. I love this little girl’s toothless grin.

Another couple of family members. This interesting gentleman was weighing a bundle of yarn that Skye was about to purchase — beautiful purples and yellows.

Another view of one of the looms.

Grandpa in the background, Moses in the foreground, attempting to decide what he will purchase.

This darling little girl was not all that happy. Her diaper was soiled and her mother was too busy helping us to take care of her.

Rae waiting patiently for the shopping to be finished. Some of Skye’s beautiful wool yarn hangs over the back of her chair.

Grandfather and grandson … a beautiful photo.

Two of the young men in the family.

Mom carrying her beautiful little girl on her back.

Their grins are so beautiful, so happy and genuine.

Playing with the family kitty … so much love.

Do you wnat to hold the kitty too?

Rae and Skye with a birds-eye view of the family home and woolen-goods factory. Underneath this large mish-mash of haphazard tin and tile roofs is a maze of rooms and open areas. The tile roofs cover walled-off rooms, of which I can only assume are living areas. All of the metal roofs cover open-air areas where the looms and other weaving equipment are kept. The back side also contains many metal-room areas.

The family’s outdoor “Pila” — outdoor sinks where laundry and dishes are done.

Back In San Marcos

This is a fun photo. I was looking out my kitchen window on Feb 4 and saw this woman doing something strange on her roof. I grabbed my camera and zoomed in and discovered that she is cleaning the chimney pipe with something stuck down inside from the roof.

It seemed so strange to see such a beautiful woman cleaning her chimney pipe, up on the roof in her corte skirt.

On Feb 13, a day when Avril had stopped by for a visit, Rae decided to christen a little incense necklace that she has been wearing. She lit the end to get it smoking and then proceeded to do an energy cleanse on Avril. Soon she was doing me, and then I did her. It was a fun experience.

A beautiful photo of Avril — a really fun friend.

Rae and Avril sitting in front of my window.

On Valentines day I took a boat ride to run errands in Panajachel. I noticed this young girl in the front of the boat, paying very close attention to this large basket covered with fabric.

The view of San Marcos’ boat dock as we pull away from shore. The water is still very high. It only dropped about three feet during the entire dry season, and now we are about to enter rainy season again.

As I continued watching the young girl, I was shocked when this chicken suddenly stuck her head out of the basket. I have seen chickens on the buses once or twice, and now I have seen chickens on the boats.

The young girl pushed the chicken back inside. As the cloth momenbtarily slipped off (not clear in this photo) I noticed that the top of the basket is covered by a nylon-twine mesh to keep the chickens in, and based on the movements and clucks, I estimate that there were at least four or five chickens in the basket.

On Feb 19, Rae and I accompanied Keith on a shopping trip to Xela, and then participated in a beautiful chocolate ceremony in a local hot springs. This is the same one where I had my powerful energy experiences last  fall.

This is the interior hallway looking one direction from the center of the building. Inside of each doorway is a small private concrete pool.

This is one of the pools — the very one I first visited last fall. I have now had a couple of extremely powerful meditation experiences while sitting in the hot waters of this very pool. The larger spout is for hot water that is piped in from a very hot spring up somewhere on the hill above. The smaller spout is for cold water. The pool is just deep enough so that when I sit in the bottom, my chin is out of  the water.

Rae giggling as she carries a five gallon jug of water into our kitchen. This is how I purchase my drinking water. It costs about two dollars for each five gallon jug.

A cute pose with the water bottle.

Rae sitting on our porch with her video camera, conducting an interview with Keith, our favorite Chocolate Shaman. It is Rae’s final evening in San Marcos, just after the sun went down.

Another delightful photo of Rae with her video camera.

Keith looking quite happy and handsome as he is being interviewed.

It is Rae’s final evening in San Marcos (March 5) and we are having a little potluck dinner in her honor. Keith is our first guest, having a delightful visit with Rae just inside of our living room.

Keith with his laptop, working on exchanging computer files with Rae. If you read my blog, you will remember that this was a big growth lesson for me.

A blurry photo of one of our friends (Vanessa) dancing in the kitchen to some fun music. As blog readers may remember, at this point of the evening, I was fighting off a major energetic meltdown by meditating on the couch, attempting to regain my spiritual connections.

My beautiful roommate Rae and I, posing in front of some posters that she worked on (bubble maps) as she schemed and struggled to figure out exactly what she might end up doing with the documentary that she was filming.

I love this photo.

Another fun photo with my incredible roomie.

And last but not least, my favorite photo of all. I love you Rae!!!

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

I cannot believe it is already April. It seems extremely likely that Keith will be leaving for Canada in just eight days. For several months he has been mentioning the possibility of beginning an international tour sometime in April. For weeks Keith has been talking about how someone has extended an offer to fly him to eastern Canada. Of course, nothing is certain just yet – but as Keith’s probable departure date of April 9^th approaches, a portion of my heart begins to tie itself into tight crinkly knots. 

“Can I continue doing this type of work on my own?” This part of me ponders with fear. “I don’t feel prepared. I don’t feel capable. I can’t possibly grow and progress in my healing path without Keith here to help me. What will I do?” 

“But I trust the flow of my path implicitly,” Another part responds confidently. “The Universe has shown me time and time again that I am indeed creating my own reality … that whatever I need for my healing happens exactly as I need it to. If I need Keith to remain here in San Marcos to help me then the Universe will make it so … if not, I fully trust that whatever I do need will show up in my life with perfect timing. 

“Keith,” I tell him one day in group, “I am manifesting that your trip will fall through, and that you will remain here in San Marcos for a little longer.” 

“You’re not the only one that is manifesting that.” Serg quickly pipes in. 

Keith just smiles. He too is simply following the flow. 

A Mixed Start 

“Brenda, how are you doing?” Keith asks me near the beginning of our Friday afternoon ceremony. 

“I have a little pain in my lower chakras, but I am feeling more clarity in my head … as if more opening is beginning to take place.” I respond. 

“Use that clarity to go back down into the density.” Keith immediately guides me. “Go right back into experiencing the pain to see where the light takes you.” 

I have no idea what to expect. I take Keith’s instructions quite literally, but before I have an opportunity to get very far in the process, I instead find myself working in different areas of the magical porch, sharing loving energy with others. 

At one point I briefly place my left hand on the center of Joy’s back. She tells me that she feels a lot of warm energy rushing into her back at the exact spot of my hand. I love how her feed back sooths my self-doubt. 

A Strange Connection 

For weeks I have been quietly observing and resisting the strange healing relationship that seems to be unfolding between Serg and myself. 

Today, as I briefly return to rest on my large pillow, Serg begins to enter another deep layer of emotional pain. Checking in with my heart while reminiscing about how Serg has recently assisted my own process, I decide it is time to bury my hesitations and to allow myself to work more closely with his energy. 

I start off slow and tentative. Sitting cross-legged on the floor near Serg’s left side, I place one hand on his left knee, open my heart and imagine myself sending him powerful unconditional love. 

“My left side is now open,” Serg eventually comments, “but my right side is still blocked.” 

Responding to this cue, I increase my confidence and scoot directly in front of Serg, placing one of my hands on each of his knees. After a short while, Serge again opens his mouth to speak. 

“My right side is now open too,” Serg announces calmly, “but I am still having a very hard time connecting to my heart.” 

Intuition tells me to place one of my hands directly on the center of Serg’s heart chakra. I momentarily resist this internal guidance, desperately not wanting to give him the wrong idea. Soon my right hand is resting warmly, directly in the center of Serg’s chest, while my left hand remains on his right knee. Occasionally I move my right hand slightly, responding to the whispering intuitions that seem to be guiding me. 

Tears of Joy 

“Serg, as the adult you now are, go back in time and be a teacher for your child.” Keith begins to guide Serg in meditation. “This will help to literally change the past.” 

As Serge begins his own process, I do the same, going back in time as the adult Brenda, visualizing myself sitting in front of my own self as a child, providing love and guidance to that frightened and confused little boy. 

Tears begin to stream down my cheeks – but they are not tears of sadness, these are tears of joyful loving connection with the child of my past. As I experience the joy, I feel a powerful current of unconditional love flowing out of my hand and into Serg’s heart. I deeply recognize the synchronous healing connection that exists between us – the common journey through which both Serg and I are passing. In this moment, all former judgments that I have been carrying about Serg seem to melt away like ice cubes thrown into a hot fire. 

By now, the tears are quite profuse, causing much of my upper body to shake, including my right hand that continues to rest on Serg’s heart. 

Keith soon interjects a verbal observation. 

“Isn’t it interesting how two people who can’t be in relationships are working together and helping each other through the healing process?” 

Keith’s words both surprise and warm my heart. Yes, indeed, I do continue to tear down one wall after another – walls that prevent me from allowing another person inside my heart.  

I feel a deep healing and unconditionally-loving bond with Serg as I continue to cry streams of tears – tears of joy that simply will not be contained. 

Feedback Request 

“Keith,” I soon beg as my work with Serg is complete. “Can you provide me any type of feedback or running commentary regarding what just took place in my interaction with Serg?” 

“Brenda,” Keith again frustrates me. “There is nothing I can tell you that your heart doesn’t already know. 

However, as ceremony finally reaches a conclusion, Keith does tell me and one other woman that we did some beautiful, loving, and peace-filled work on the porch today. 

I don’t know why I crave Keith’s feedback. Perhaps it is because strong inner doubts continue to chatter. Outside feedback always has a way of temporarily soothing those doubts. 

Frustrated Writing, Perfect Flow 

Saturday disappears quickly into nothingness. After spending most of the day attempting to help a new friend recover a lost passport, I barely have time to do a little writing. But that is OK. Even as the Universe seems to intentionally delay all my attempts at focused writing, something in my heart gently reassures me that everything is perfect, exactly as it needs to be. 

Looking back in hindsight, that wisdom is quite clear. 

Gazing Eyes 

I have recently discovered the powerful healing connection of an unbroken loving gaze. 

Sunday afternoon, as none of my own issues surface at the beginning of ceremony, I again focus on sharing with others. My heart continues to strengthen and overflow with powerful love – an unconditional love so strong that I simply share it freely, not the least bit concerned by whether it is received or not by others. 

As I do so, I briefly ponder a metaphor I have often heard Keith use – one of a butler at a social gathering. As the butler carries his tray around the party, he is simply doing his job. The butler is not the least bit attached to whether someone consumes the gifts he so freely shares. He just makes the food available, allowing the guests to pick and choose what they will receive and consume.  

As I share my heart freely, I begin to make occasional eye contact with various people on the porch. Some are eager to receive, and quickly engage me in a heart-focused gaze. As I stare deeply into these beautiful eyes while simultaneously seeing into their hearts, I sense a deep exchange of God-like unconditional love flowing between us. 

Today, there is one woman who processes huge amounts of grief. As she finishes her outpouring of profound tears and sorrow, she begins to connect with the light. Her gaze is particularly mesmerizing. We lock eyes and share gazes for what must be at least thirty unbroken minutes – a long period of unconditionally-loving intimacy that does not feel the least bit awkward. 

A Painful Heart 

Near the end of ceremony, Serg begins to access some deep emotional pain. As he does so, I reach out from across the porch, using my own heart energy to connect with Serg’s pain. I initially experience a loving connection that bubbles with childlike joy. I feel as if my heart is expanding to yet another level of unconditionally-loving power. I begin to briefly giggle as I feel the powerful loving sensation course through me. 

Suddenly, I experience an extremely sharp pain exactly in the center of my heart chakra, directly on top of the sternum. 

“Keith,” I beg for clarity, “what is happening with this pain in my heart?” 

“Go down inside,” Keith coaches me as he has often done, “Sit with the pain and ask it to tell you what it is all about.” 

“The pain is trying to stop me from opening my heart too much.” I reply intuitively as the words just flow off my tongue. “My heart is afraid that it will get hurt if I open it up too far, too fast.” 

“It feels as if I were stabbed here in the heart sometime in the past.” I intuitively speculate. 

“What I am saying feels stupid.” I then confess to Keith. “I don’t know if it is correct … I am not sure if I can trust this intuition.” 

“It doesn’t sound stupid to me or to anyone else here on the porch who has ever had their heart broken.” Keith replies confidently. 

Shared Pain 

To my shock and surprise, Serg quickly announces that he too is feeling the exact same pain, right in the center of his own heart chakra. 

As the ceremony gradually comes to a conclusion, the sharp pain that both Serg and I feel gradually subsides, as if in unison. Somehow, the two of us are energetically joined together. 

Serg and I are so absolutely different from each other, yet we are somehow deeply connected as well. We both struggle with intellect and the process of surrendering rational mind in order to fully embrace the joy in our hearts – we both struggle with relationship blocks and doubts – and we have both gone through energetically-similar painful shutdowns of our childhood magical connections. 

Part of me is delighted by this shared connection. Another part of me continues to judge and to reject it, resenting the mirror of myself that Serg so skillfully places in my face. I don’t like seeing my doubting rational mind being so painfully reflected back at me. 

Final Private Session 

Several days ago, I asked Keith to schedule a private session for me – one that would take place on Monday morning, April 4. Though nothing is yet finalized, Keith’s plans to fly to Canada are still urgently in the works. Today very well may be my final opportunity to enjoy a private session with Keith. 

There are so many things I want to discuss, so many questions I want to ask, and so much closure I desire to obtain before he departs on Friday or Saturday. 

My heart is bitter-sweet as I wander out toward Keith’s home at 8:50 on Monday morning. I am excited for Keith that he will be traveling and sharing what he does with people in other parts of the world. A powerful and peaceful part of me is fully confident that all is perfect – that I will be just fine – that the flow of my Higher Self will take me precisely to where I need to go next. 

Yet a very unsettled ego-voice continues to fill me with doubt and terror, screaming that I will fail by myself – that there is no way I will ever be able to continue such a profound journey by myself – that the Universe is once again letting me down, shortchanging my journey by taking away the one person whom I believe can help me. 

Possessive Attachment 

Imagine my surprise when Serg is at Keith’s home, telling me lovingly that he too has a few issues to work on, asking me if it would be OK for him to share my private session today with Keith. 

“No, Serg,” I let him down gently, “This is my private session, and I really want to spend some quality alone time talking with Keith. I don’t want to have any interruptions today.” 

I do not have the heart to verbally add that I often feel very annoyed by Serg’s interruptions on the porch. Lately, it seems that every time I begin to engage in deep emotional work, Serg does the same, preempting my work and pulling Keith’s attention in a different direction. A strong part of me deeply resents such interruptions. 

(Note: this is no longer how I feel, but it is exactly how I felt on April 4. Much healing has subsequently occurred.) 

Today I am feeling extremely possessive of my allotted time with Keith. I will not allow any interruptions from Serg, no matter how connected our healing paths might be. I desperately want a productive and tranquil one-on-one session with Keith. 

Invaded and Taken Away 

Having not heard my conversation with Serg, Keith soon walks out onto his porch. 

“Brenda,” Keith shocks me, “I would like to have Serg do some work today at the start of our private session. Something tells me it will be good for both of you.” 

I trust Keith implicitly, and am extremely curious regarding what might happen today – but a deeply annoyed and frustrated part of me continues to agitate, feeling extremely angry and disappointed that what might likely be my final time alone with Keith is being rudely invaded and taken away from me. 

Helpless Victim 

Keith begins my session by guiding Serg into deep meditation regarding his own issues. Meanwhile, I start to feel increasingly angry, frustrated and nervous. 

“This is MY last session with Keith,” the internal chatter screams with a megaphone in my mind, “and MY precious time is being wasted with things I do not want. What Serg is doing is not even all that important! I am not relating to his work in any way!” 

Intuitively I easily recognize that my God/separation drama has again been triggered, but I am so lost in the ‘I want to be right’ emotions that I am helpless in all attempts to reconnect with love and peace. 

I am projecting in a huge way – projecting all over both Serg and Keith. My own desires do not seem to be being honored by either of them. Once again I am being abandoned by both my teacher and by God. 

An intense inner battle rages uncontrollably – a battle between ego and soul – and I seem to be losing on both fronts. 

At a rational mind level, I easily recognize that ego’s colossal temper tantrum is totally based on attachment and lies, and that trusting Keith might definitely bring a powerful growth lesson for me – but the unbelievable influence and control of these raging emotions has me absolutely convinced that I am a victim, that I want to be a victim, that I have no choice but to be a victim. 

“After all, I am right and everyone else is wrong.” The annoyed voice screams convincingly in my exhausted and confused head. 

Glimpses of Love 

Through it all, I remain completely silent, not expressing one feeling verbally, but the tears are beginning to flow, and there is no doubt in my mind that Keith can easily read my downward-spiraling emotional crash.

“Lighten up Brenda,” Keith quietly speaks before continuing to guide Serg in his process. “This one is on me. 

“It is not about the money.” I silently pout. “Even if Keith were to pay me to sit here, I am still being victimized, having my final session with Keith unfairly taken away from me.” 

The loving observer in me desperately attempts to grab hold of the reigns, struggling to pull me out of this ego stampede, guiding me back to peaceful reality. 

This connected part of me begins to grasp at straws, reminding me of some of my favorite A Course In Miracles quotes – things like “I am not a victim of the world I see”, “I am never upset for the reason I think”, and “I see only the past.” 

As tears continue to flow down my cheeks, Serg appears to be completely oblivious to my plight, quietly continuing with what I perceive as a stupid, meaningless process – a process simply designed to annoy and to drive me crazy. 

During brief lucid moments, I regain tiny glimpses of loving empowerment – but the victimizing tears are too powerful, demanding a soapbox on which to stand and preach, demanding to be released and validated before they will allow me to move into loving empowerment. 

Abandoned Again 

“Where are you at in your process?” Keith finally turns attention to me after a very long time of working only with Serg. 

“I am feeling deeply victimized.” I whimper through deep tears before beginning to fill Keith in on the raging emotional battle in my heart. 

I refrain from verbalizing all of the gory details regarding my judgments toward Serg. After all, Serg is sitting right there and I don’t want to offend him. But I absolutely know that Keith is fully aware of what is going on inside me. 

To my surprise, Keith immediately ‘abandons me’ again as he returns to work with Serg. 

Those Beautiful Muppets 

A brilliant idea eventually pops into my head – one I have often used when attempting to yank myself back to an unconditionally-loving space. I remind myself that the world is a stage and that everyone is simply acting out their individual roles – roles that always serve me in my healing path, if I will let them. 

“I am creating this reality, and this is just an episode of The Muppet Show.” I remind myself, again and again. 

I desperately attempt to imagine myself as one of the two old codgers sitting in the balcony, laughing at the silly show unfolding on the stage below. 

“Wake up, Brenda,” I metaphorically shake myself. “Quit taking it all so seriously. This is just a stage play – you are just an actress repeating your lines – wake up and remember that none of this is real.” 

I struggle in what feels like deep waves of bipolar combat. One second I am beginning to wake up and feel empowered by the light. In the next second, the voices drag me back into deep victimized feelings, demanding that my “rightness” to be validated. 

Finally, after nearly ninety minutes of intense inner struggle, I slowly lift my head, curl my lips into a shallow smile, and look directly in Keith’s eyes. 

“I think I’m back.” I mutter with a feeling of emotional exhaustion. 

I really did it. I actually feel loving and empowered. I can actually laugh at what just occurred. 

Empowered And Worth It 

“Congratulations,” Keith grins from ear to ear. “In just a little over an hour you did something that used to take you days, weeks, months, or even possibly years.” 

As I listen to Keith’s celebratory words, I am indeed quite proud of myself. He is absolutely right. I went through an entire ego loop, sinking deeply into intensely-entrenched victimization and then returning back to an unconditionally-loving state of empowerment – and I did it all in just over half of my session. 

“Such a lesson would have been impossible,” I think quietly to myself, “had Keith not followed his strange guidance by coercing me into including Serg in this private session.” 

The bizarre journey through which I have just passed has deeply empowered me – and yes, it was indeed totally worth it. Today I have been given a deep look into myself, into ego, and into my ability to reconnect with light and truth. Gratitude overflows in my heart. 

Blending? 

Almost immediately, Keith ceases to work much with Serg, and focuses a great deal of loving attention on my needs. 

We discuss my deep self-doubts and lack of self-trust – including my fears about not being able to continue my journey without his incredibly inspired guidance that often leaves my rational mind completely baffled. 

Keith is soon guided to tell me that the Angel Moroni will be with me for the near future, communicating with me via love and not words. 

I again tell Keith that I am not fully connected with this angelic metaphor from my religious background. 

“It would be most helpful for you to simply allow a blending with Moroni.” Keith encourages me. “Allow your heart energies to blend with his heart energies. It will be very healing for you, especially given that your childhood shutdown was mostly done by religious energies that were directly related to Moroni.” 

“What do you mean by blending?” I ask curiously. I have never before heard Keith use this term. 

Keith goes on to respond that it is a merging, an intermixing of energies, and a sharing. He tells me that it is kind of like an actual relationship with a real person, but this relationship will be with an angel. It will allow me to learn to trust, to share, to feel, to experience, and to be present in a way that is like a real relationship. 

“I am getting that this type of loving relationship is what you need right now.” Keith reassures me. 

Channeling Love 

“I still want you to help me learn how to channel.” I beg Keith. 

“You are already channeling love right now.” Keith responds. “The words will come in time, but what you need right now is the love.” 

“In the past, angels have been to you like monsters and demons.” Keith adds. “You have been terrified by any type of religious-sounding energy, because those energies were partially responsible for your shutdown.” 

As I ponder Keith’s words, I know he is correct. I will benefit greatly by simply allowing the divine energies to love me. Receiving such unconditional love will greatly assist me with doubts and trust issues. 

Big Stuff 

“Congratulations for a very high level of processing this morning.” Keith tells me as our time together rapidly fades. 

Keith then reminds me that when someone nears the end of their healing, the ego patterns and loops throw themselves at that person with increased intensity and frequency. Deep fear causes the ego to ramp everything up a notch out of sheer desperation. 

“This is big stuff.” Keith grins at me. “You are nearing the end of some powerful growth in your awakening process.” 

Keith’s words are both specific and vague at the same time. I am indeed very proud of myself – yes, I am nearing the end of some very powerful growth. But I also know intuitively that I have just begun, simply slipping up another level and starting over with the next process. 

Trust The Flow 

When the Monday afternoon chocolate ceremony soon gets underway, I still have a headache, pain in my solar plexus, and slightly hurting knees – all of which were discussed this morning, but none of which had time to be addressed. 

As I look around the porch, there is no doubt that the people who have shown up are here precisely because I need them here, and I am anxious to discover how the stage play will unfold. I lovingly trust that my issues will be addressed exactly as they need to be. 

Almost immediately, Keith focuses in on continuing to work with me. We further discuss my rapid cycling of up and down moods. 

“I continue to feel a great deal of self-doubt, being unsure of myself in deciphering all the tiny metaphors in my own process.” I tell Keith. “Like the headache and solar plexus pain which continue to follow me around during every ceremony.” 

Keith reminds me that I just need to do all of the things I already do on the porch every day, simply trusting the flow of my process. I intuitively recognize that Keith is about to move on to work with someone else, again encouraging me to find my own answers. 

Seconds later, Keith does indeed switch to work with another woman. 

Mirrored Questions 

To my delight, almost every question that the woman asks is correlated to the exact doubts with which I continue to struggle. 

In an extended conversation, Keith gives this woman beautiful and powerful advice about overcoming her insecurities and about being in her energies with confidence. 

I clearly recognize that the Universe is cleverly disguising the answers and encouragement that I need in a beautiful mirror, pretending that the wisdom is for someone else. But I know better. I know that I am simply watching my own stage play, and that every word spoken to that woman is directed right at me. I love how it all unfolds.

Keith soon does more powerful work with Serg and another man on the porch. Everything discussed again seems to be perfectly scripted around my ongoing doubts and struggles. I am blown away at how all of my fears are being addressed right in front of me. I get to simply observe and absorb. 

But part of me is beginning to deeply struggle with mind-boggling distractions. 

Ego’s Desperate Stand 

“Brenda, this is perfect.” Keith soon tells me as I describe my unexpected struggle with distraction. 

It seems as if I am again cycling in and out of mood swings, up and down, faster and faster, struggling to remain focused in what I am doing. 

“You are in a very high level of observation and awareness.” Keith continues to validate what I am doing. “You are very near the end of a cycle, and your ego-self is bombarding you with every last-ditch attempt that it can muster to throw you off course.” 

At times I feel very loving and empowered, but mostly I feel lost and lacking confidence, simply not trusting myself. As I focus on my heart, it almost feels dead. There is very little energy flowing in my heart chakra. 

Depths of Shutdown 

Confusion again overwhelms me when Keith asks me to connect with one gentleman in the room who is particularly stuck right now. 

“Brenda,” Keith guides me, “open up some shutters in front of your heart and allow yourself to connect with him. Something powerful will open up that might seem quite frightening at first.” 

“Well, what are you feeling?” Keith inquires. 

“Nothing.” I respond glumly. “I am so absolutely shutdown that I feel almost dead. I cannot feel anything at all.” 

“What you are feeling is his own shutdown.” Keith surprises me. 

Keith is right, the experience is quite frightening. As I connect with my friend, I have become so shut down that I simply cannot feel anything. I was totally unaware that what I was feeling are his feelings and not my own. 

Nail In The Heart 

Suddenly I again begin to feel a familiar and very deep and sharp pain exactly in the center of my heart chakra, directly atop the sternum. This time, I remember older work that I once did with Keith – processing in which I once recognized that I had been crucified by my religion – that my childhood shutdown literally felt as if a nail had been driven into the center of my heart, all in the name of God. 

“This really hurts.” I tell Keith, feeling quite puzzled as to why it is now resurfacing. 

“Your friend there has the same pain.” Keith points at the man with whom I am connecting energetically. 

“Allow yourself to more deeply connect with his pain and see what happens.” Keith continues. 

“Ouch!” I exclaim in shock. “It feels at least ten to one-hundred times more painful than my own pain. This is horrible.” 

I am shocked by the pain that my friend is carrying and quickly develop a new sense of empathy for what he is passing through.  

“This could be quite a handy skill to develop.” I ponder to myself. “But for it to be really helpful, I have to get more out of my own way, to first process my own issues more deeply so that I will be able to more easily discern just who’s pain it is that I am dealing with.” 

I next make a haphazard attempt at removing the nail in my own heart via meditation – but as I pull and pull and pull, the nail never seems to leave my chest. It seems as if the nail goes on forever, and will not allow me to remove it completely at this time. 

Am I An Empath? 

“Brenda,” Keith interrupts my process with the nail. “Can you feel yourself assisting your friend, helping to release his emotional densities while sending them to the angels for transmutation?” 

“Not really.” I reply honestly. “I was focusing on what was happening with my nail.” 

“Put your hands right here.” Keith coaches me. “What do you feel?” 

“I feel a heavy energy in my hands, with a slight pressure on the left side. And I faintly feel an energy moving upward out of my fingers.” I tell Keith. 

“That’s it.” Keith replies. 

“Are you saying that I can move energy like an empath?” I ask Keith with surprise. 

“No, I’m not saying that.” Keith responds. “What I am doing is SHOWING you how you ARE moving that energy right now.” 

I continue to go through the motions of the energy-moving process – but I still do not fully trust myself. My energy sensations are quite weak right now, and I still want to remove the nail. 

The Nail Remains 

As I focus considerable effort on attempting to energetically extract the nail from my heart, a new intuitive awareness floods my consciousness. 

“This nail represents my ability to be a victim and martyr who was crucified by my religion.” I tell Keith. “Removing the nail represents the end of that victimhood. A part of me is resisting, frightened that I will no longer be able to identify with that label.” 

“You are not ready yet,” Keith responds, “at least not today. You can do it later when you are ready.” 

Ping Pong Balls 

I remind Keith about a persistent headache in the area of my third-eye chakra. 

“Can you help me with that?” I beg. “Or do I just need to allow it and observe it?” 

“Let’s explore it again.” Keith surprises me with a positive response. 

“Ask your headache to get worse, and then tell me what you feel.” Keith again provides completely unexpected guidance. 

As I meditate, the pain immediately morphs into a powerful physical metaphor. 

“I feel a lot of strong and painful chaotic energies bouncing around in my head.” I answer with deep confusion. “These are the same energies that shut me down as a child – the same ones that I felt so strongly last week.” 

“This is your own self continuing to shut you down with internally generated energies.” Keith soon fills me in. 

Keith further explains that my own energies have taken over in enforcing the rules and the painful shutdown that was originally caused by my parents and religion. This statement deeply registers in my heart as being true. It has long been my belief that once the rule books are programmed into us that we ourselves take over as the enforcers of those rules. 

Keith then briefly reminds me of his own metaphor of “ping pong balls in a boxcar”, telling me that he often experienced this type of chaotic confusion in his own life – just that he called it something else and used different metaphors to describe it. 

An Old Bearded Man 

“Who is generating those internal chaotic energies?” Keith asks. 

“I don’t know.” I reply after attempting to connect with the source in meditation. 

“Go deeper inside and find out.” Keith encourages again. 

“I’m seeing an old bearded religious figure.” I soon reply. “But it doesn’t feel right because Mormon’s don’t wear beards.” 

“No,” Keith counters my doubts, “go with the bearded figure … trust yourself … that is correct.” 

Keith continues to teach me that the energy metaphorically represented by this bearded old man is the energy that I put in charge of shut-down duty years and years ago. 

“This old man is very loyal to you,” Keith tells me, “His function is programmed deeply into your subconscious. He is a very real energy that needs a new job description.” 

Return To Shutdown 

“Go and sit with him.” Keith guides me. “Ask him if he wants a new job.” 

At first, the answer I get is no. The old man won’t even listen to me. He will not even acknowledging my presence. 

“Tell the old man that if he doesn’t listen to you that you will bring in the angels to fry him.” Keith confuses me with completely unexpected advice. 

“What did you say?” I ask Keith with a shocked grin. “I can’t imagine you ever asking the light to fry anything! The light would never do that.” 

“It got his attention didn’t it?” Keith chuckles. 

As I further meditate, the old man listens to my proposals, but continues to fill my head with pounding chaotic energy, desperately trying to shut me down. 

“Ask your Higher Self to come in and talk to him for his job retraining.” Keith coaches me. 

As I visualize this process, I still feel nothing changing. 

“Go back into your childhood shutdown again.” Keith again shocks me. 

“Didn’t we do this just last week?” I ask with doubt-filled surprise and confusion. 

Teaching Layer Patience 

“Yes, but this is another layer.” Keith guides me further. “You need to keep doing layer after layer until you are done.” 

Keith points out that I continually ask the same questions, “aren’t I done yet?”, or “haven’t I already done this?” 

“You are done when you are done.” Keith emphasizes firmly. “This is a lesson to teach you patience so that when you work with others who also require equal numbers of layers, you will be able to understand and love them through their own processes – and you will be able to tell them the same things over and over with loving patience.” 

I briefly recall how I have indeed judged one specific woman in my life for the number of times she kept repeatedly returning to the same issues. Suddenly, I watch my judgment of this woman simply disappear. 

Shutdown Or Bust 

Seconds later, as I surrender to Keith’s instructions, I am again overwhelmed by the panic and pain of chaotic energies. But this time the energies are pounding me only in the head. 

“Call in the Angel Moroni again to put a protective bubble around your inner child.” Keith guides me. “This will allow that younger-you to understand the bombardment energies, but to not internalize those energies nor to shut down because of them.” 

“How does that feel in your head?” Keith inquires. 

“The energies are still pounding me.” I reply in pain. 

“Now ask that child to bring the protective bubble forward in time, to protect you.” Keith further guides me.” 

The energies calm greatly, almost immediately. 

As I return home Monday evening, my mind is boggled by what has turned out to be a completely unexpected series of events. 

Facing The Doubts 

For days if not weeks, huge flash floods of doubt have increasingly rampaged through my mind as Keith’s expected departure rapidly approaches. 

My healing journey of the last few days has literally pushed and pulled me all over the emotional roadmap. It seems that this old friend called ‘Doubt’ invariably shows up everywhere that I go, standing at every intersection, sitting on every bridge, floating down every river, and living in each and every town on the map. 

After an amazing roller coaster ride through God dramas, childhood shutdown, emotional layers, and experiencing the actual emotional pain of others, my old friend continues to show his face. 

But amazingly, I am becoming quite confident in recognizing him as the deceptive liar that he is. This old friend no longer has as much influence in my decision making process. The moment I recognize his face, I merely ask him to leave. 

I love the self-trust that gradually builds in my heart – a heart that overflows with confidence, reassuring me that no matter where my path takes me in the future, that I will be well guided. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

As much as I continue to crave isolation, I must say that I love my new roommate Skye. Her friend Joy is also sharing my second bedroom, but has not yet decided what she will do for the longer term. 

Early Wednesday morning, I quickly become enthralled in a beautiful conversation with Joy. Even though she is less than half my age, I learn that we have a great deal in common – we are on similar journeys of spiritual seeking, we both love A Course In Miracles and we both love Byron Katie. After several hours of delightful discussions, I smile at Joy, and extend an open invitation. 

“I’m not sure if you know what your plans are yet,” I express lovingly to my new friend, “but you can definitely live here if that is where your heart guides you. I would love having your energy around.” 

The Universe never ceases to amaze me. Ever since moving into my cozy little apartment last September, I have been blessed with one beautiful roommate after another. There is no doubt in my heart that each one was guided into my life for a beautiful and specific purpose. I cannot wait to see what the next few weeks may bring. 

No Feedback Required 

In the chocolate ceremony on Wednesday, I am again riding high on a beautiful wave of glowing light. Throughout the afternoon, I feel as if I am providing powerful and valuable assistance to others, greatly helping in their processes – and by doing so I feel my own energies strengthen and further heal. 

Yet an ego part of me doubts and would greatly appreciate a validating and reassuring pat on the back. 

“Keith,” I ask casually toward the end of group. “Can you give me a little feedback about what I have been doing on the porch today?” 

“Brenda,” Keith skillfully replies, “you already know exactly what you have been doing on the porch today. You don’t need any feedback from me.” 

Keith is right … I do know … yet a whining little voice still insists that what I believe of my own accord is not real – that to make it real, to really believe it, to really know it, I must hear it directly from Keith. 

It looks as if I still need to work on trusting myself. 

Roommate Heaven 

Have I said yet that I love my new roommates? Skye, Joy and I spend a delightful Wednesday evening, munching, giggling, and engaging in deep conversation at a local restaurant. I am already growing so much from having them around. 

“Thank you God, Universe, All That Is, Angels, and any other form of Higher Energy and Being-ness.” I think to myself. “I love life.” 

Unleashing Imagination 

After a quick boat trip to Panajachel, I am right back on Keith’s porch early on Thursday afternoon. It is the last day of March – one of the most amazing healing months in my life – and I am eager to continue that ongoing journey. 

As the afternoon chocolate ceremony gets into full swing, I continue to feel as if I am surfing on a wave of light. My heart begs me to open up even further, to share more of that light with others. 

When Keith guides one woman to visualize a basket in her subconscious mind, I opt to share her process, entering into my own simultaneous meditative journey. 

“It is time work more with my magical theme park.” I suddenly realize as I discover the existence of a precious little magic wand in my basket. 

I follow this metaphor for a while, not making much progress at all until Keith briefly checks in with me. 

“Get on two rides at once.” Keith gives me an unexpected clue regarding my theme park. 

As I further ponder, leaving rational mind behind while attempting to embrace Keith’s interesting suggestion, I begin to question the structured nature in which I have been visualizing my theme park. 

I suddenly realize something quite profound. 

“The secret to my magic is not in understanding the rides themselves.” I light up with delightful recognition. “The secret to my magic is to more fully embrace imagination – to embrace a deep sense of childlike belief, wonder, excitement, and joy for the creative process.” 

For three long weeks, ever since discovering the existence of my magical theme park, I have tried to visualize specific already-created Disneyland-type rides, relying on someone else’s creativity and imagination to do the job for me. I now realize that this is all backwards. 

“I literally have an entire Holodeck in my head.” I recognize with excitement. “I can create whatever reality I choose, using my own creativity and imagination. The magic in my theme park is not about copying someone else’s blueprints – it is about unleashing the unlimited potential of my own imagination.” 

(For those of you who are not Star Trek fans: A Holodeck is a science-fiction place where computer-generated holographic realities can be created and experienced in such a physical way that they seem and feel as if they are experienced as real life.) 

New Possibilities 

“Brenda,” Keith unexpectedly interrupts my meditation as he works with a woman named Melissa. 

“Bring Melissa into your theme park with you.” He continues. “Or perhaps extend your theme park to reach around and to include her.” 

I quickly shift gears and again attempt to honor Keith’s guidance. Soon, I stretch my imagination to new possibilities, visualizing that the boundaries of my theme park expand to include this beautiful woman who sits only a few feet in front of me. Finally, she is seated right in the middle of my theme park. 

The energy in my hands – in fact all of the energies in my body – come alive with excitement as I focus on bringing magic to this woman whom I have never met. I love the concept of her enjoying my theme park – and I also love the tingling energy that floods my body. 

I momentarily ponder part of a powerful line in my personal mission statement: “… creating a safe and loving environment where others can discover …” 

“Yes,” I excitedly realize the possibilities, “part of creating a safe loving environment for others is to surround them with my magic, thus inspiring them to access their own hidden magic.” 

Shouldering Responsibility 

After a magical adventure into imagination and tingling energies, the flow of my meditative journey begins to shift dramatically. 

As I notice that my shoulders begin to ache with sharp pain, especially the left one, I cease mediation and begin to observe what is occurring in my body, saying absolutely nothing to anyone. 

Keith soon wanders over to my position, reaches over to place his fingertips on my left shoulder, and asks, “What is going on now?” 

Shocked by Keith’s uncanny awareness of pain that he could not possibly have been aware of with rational mind, I fill him in on my journey and begin to ponder a response. 

“I think my shoulder pain is related to feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.” I begin to reply. 

“It is related to life-long responsibilities, obligations and burdens,” I continue, “to all of the reasons why I cannot have more fun, to why I am so serious.” 

As I attempt to further relax my shoulders, they only become increasingly painful, as if knives are literally sticking into the depths of every muscle. First the pain is in the outer reaches of my shoulders. Gradually it moves into the very middle, registering itself right below the neck. Finally the deeply aching pain spreads back out to include my entire shoulder and neck region. 

Little by little, the intensity of the pain continues to gradually increase – soon reaching agonizing and almost intolerable levels. 

Loving The Pain 

“It is time to love this pain.” Keith tells me in an interesting paradoxical twist. 

“This pain is the manifestation of a part of you who carries the responsibility of keeping you safe from taking on more burdens and more responsibility – from over taxing yourself.” Keith continues. 

Keith goes on to explain that my shoulders have been energetically performing this job at my own request, and that they have been doing it for many, many years. My shoulders have been extremely loyal in keeping me safe, doing exactly what I asked them to do to protect me. 

“This intense pain is now attempting to get your attention,” Keith adds, “telling you that it is not safe to take on the burden of more magical abilities. People will be coming to you asking for healing assistance, and you will have less and less time for yourself. You will be overburdened with the chaos of losing control of your life because of the massive changes that this new magic will bring.” 

I can almost hear my shoulders screaming “No, no, no … don’t do it … we have enough responsibility already … please don’t take on more by opening up your magic!” 

A Common Journey 

As I focus on sending deep love and gratitude to the shoulder pain, I thank it for delivering a profound message. I make no attempt to fix the pain, nor do I demand that it subside to give me peace. Instead, I realize that this is a process of self-discovery and growth – a metaphorical process that I must simply follow – one that will complete exactly when it is time. 

“I went through a similar process.” Keith encourages me. “In fact most all healers go through something like this as they begin to open up their magic.” 

Yes, opening up such magic will indeed bring with it the responsibility to share. But a little voice inside tells me that the light and energy flowing through my body will more than compensate for what the “old me” might have perceived as burdens. 

Still, much fear remains buried. Emotional densities continue to clog many energy channels in my field. Each of these emotional blocks must be brought to the light before the magic is fully unveiled. 

Higher Help 

In my feeling of “not knowing what to do”, I make a meditative plea to my Higher Self. 

“Please help me bring in more love.” I ask Higher Self. “And help me find a meaningful way to send and to express the love and gratitude to this part of myself – to these beautiful shoulders that have carried such a difficult burden throughout the years.” 

To my delight, as I complete this heartfelt request, I begin to feel a delightful tingling energy filtering throughout my body. 

“Now you are making some great progress.” Keith quickly interjects. 

I am again surprised by Keith’s quick comment, because I had not told him anything at all about what I was doing. 

“Congratulations on bringing in the higher energies.” Keith adds after I fill him in. “This whole process was all something that you planned at a much deeper level – something that you would not be able to accomplish on your own without the help of higher energies.” 

It is clear to me that what is happening is not anything to be fixed, but is instead something to be loved and followed as an unfolding metaphor – a metaphor that will take me on a continuing healing journey. 

Enjoying Pain 

Even with ongoing discussion and clarity, the pain continues to increase. Somehow, in spite of the pain, I create a genuine smile on my face while conversing with Keith and others.

But the pain is excruciating and unbearable. While I am not particularly excited about the aching itself, I do find myself quite excited about the healing journey being shown to me by the pain. 

For the last week or two, I have been considering getting some deep body work on my shoulders and neck. 

“After our work today,” I share with Keith, “I don’t think I want to pursue that physical work right now. It seems to me that massages and such might be taken by my body as an attempt to fix rather than to send love.” 

Metaphorical Pain 

“Brenda,” a friend on the porch interrupts, “my hands are begging me to come over to send love to your muscles. It is not about fixing them, but simply sending them love. Would that be OK?” 

“Absolutely yes,” I reply with a painful giggle. 

My dear friend works on me for over thirty minutes. I love and cherish the attention, but the pain in my shoulders does not diminish at all. 

But to my delight, as the long afternoon ceremony comes to a close, I do begin to feel a gradual relaxation of the aching. By later that evening, the pain is completely gone – another beautiful signal that the sharp aching is not actually physical, but is instead metaphorical, being given to me as a powerful healing message from my subconscious mind. 

A Summarized Ceremony 

The chocolate ceremony today has been powerful and mind-boggling on two fronts. 

First is the powerful recognition that my magic is not about formulas, structure, or copying the creativity of others – it is about embracing and unleashing the power of my own inner creativity and imagination. 

Second is the understanding that a great deal of fear and resistance continue to discourage me from continuing forward – proclaiming that such magical pursuits will only get me in more trouble – reminding me that as a child I shut my magic down for a reason, and that opening it up again will only overwhelm my life with more chaos. 

I honor both lessons. The magic is indeed real, and yes, so is the fear. I choose to love them both. 

Roommate Rejoicing 

After a delightful dinner and an entertaining evening of bagging 200 pounds of chocolate on Keith’s porch, I am elated by the late-night announcement of my new friend Joy. 

“Brenda,” Joy giggles with excitement. “If your offer is still good, I would be thrilled to remain right here during my time in San Marcos. I love it here.” 

Heart-Warming Feedback 

In addition to Joy’s announcement, today has been a day filled with beautiful heart-warming feedback. 

This morning, a friend shared with me on the street, “Brenda, I hope Keith understands what a powerful presence you are on his porch.” 

During ceremony, as I had again asked for brief feedback, one woman told me, “Brenda, you don’t appreciate or realize just how powerful you are.” 

This evening, during dinner, another gentleman had told me, “You helped me so much today. Thank you for everything you did.” 

And then my new friend Lisa, during her final visit to Keith’s porch today, again told me, “I came all the way to San Marcos because of you. I would definitely seek you out as a healer.” 

I don’t know why I continue to doubt myself. It is probably because I have a birds-eye view of all of the dense emotions and disempowering belief systems that continue to block my path. Others see me at my best, through outside eyes. I continue to see myself through inner eyes of old belief system and self-doubt. 

While drifting off to sleep, reveling in the beautiful feedback that I received today, I again reflect on something Keith told me last summer when I had asked if it is actually possible that I might be able to develop the ability to do what he does. 

“Brenda,” Keith had shared with me, “the only difference between you and me is that I know I can, and you believe that you cannot.”

A joyful grin consumes my tired face.  

“Could it really be that easy?” I ponder while disappearing into dreamland. “Can it really be as simple as believing in myself? … as believing in the magical theme park that lies dormant and buried inside? … as believing in the unlimited creative power of my imagination?” 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

It feels like a huge family camping trip. Keith reaches into his rafters and pulls down camping pads, sleeping bags, and every spare blanket that he owns. Soon, fourteen of us slowly stroll into the cool evening air, heading back toward my apartment while carrying a bulky load of sleeping gear. We all giggle and laugh while conversing in broken Spanish. 

As soon as everything is settled and secure in my now-crowded apartment, Keith announces that he will be hosting everyone for dinner. For many of our beautiful Mayan guests, especially the children, this will be their first-ever dining experience in a western-style restaurant. 

What a fun time I have! The young children, four boys and one girl, seem to have taken a delightful liking to me. We laugh and giggle together while I stumble through the process of attempting to memorize each of their complicated names – each one of them having at least two first names and two last names.  

Meanwhile, the Mayan women browse briefly through the menu, chattering quietly to each other in their local Mayan dialect. I observe the concerned look in their faces as one woman nervously points at the prices in the menu. 

“Please,” I translate into Spanish for Keith. “Don’t worry about the price. Keith wants you to order anything on the menu that you want.” 

Soon I am giggling with the children, doing amateur magic tricks while still stumbling through continued attempts at remembering names. I am in heaven, surrounded by the playful loving energy of five beautiful little angels. 

After a long wait, the food finally arrives. Most in our group have their own individual menu selections, but I have opted to share several pizzas with the children. To my shock, the very instant a pizza is placed on the table in front of us, I barely have time to grab a single piece before the pan sits empty in front of me. As the second and third pizzas arrive and again disappear in seconds, I simply giggle while getting Keith’s blessing in ordering a fourth. 

As we stroll up the dark uneven path back toward my apartment, my heart overflows with the warm glow of love. Several of the beautiful children eagerly grab my hands, tenderly sharing their hearts with mine. 

Bedtime for Babies 

As dinner is finally complete, the hour is already quite late – very late for the young children who are getting rather tired. A fire ceremony is still in the works, but a slumber party must first be organized. My spare bedroom quickly becomes the temporary home for two of the woman and the five young children. The two women who remain behind with the children reassure me that they will be quite comfortable occupying the two twin beds as the children excitedly stretch out on the comfy camping pads layered all over every available square inch of floor space. 

I cannot resist snapping a few quick photos. My early-morning desire for complete isolation is now replaced with sheer delight at having the honor of hosting such a beautiful family in my humble home. I briefly realize that to them, my tiny little apartment must appear to be a mansion – having indoor plumbing, a flush toilet, concrete floors, a refrigerator, and a small counter-top gas stove. I cannot help but give brief thanks for the blessings that I enjoy. 

A Fire to Remember 

Isaias has run ahead and made arrangements with our friend Terry to host the upcoming fire ceremony. Terry has a beautiful outdoor ceremonial area, one in which such traditional Mayan ceremonies are frequently held. She is delighted to accommodate our special guests. 

For the next two hours, one of the Mayan Priestesses leads us all through a deeply spiritual experience. As we sit around the sacred fire, this beautiful woman guides us in loving discussion and meditation – a beautiful experience that ends when the last flames of the fire flicker and fade, leaving only an orange-red glow of hot embers. 

Sleepless Joy 

Shortly after 11:30 p.m., my final two houseguests make themselves comfortable. The beautiful Mayan priestess sleeps on the daybed in my living room, while her younger brother squeezes himself onto a small uncomfortable couch. 

I giggle myself to sleep – loving the thought of sharing my home with such beautiful people. But alas, I sleep very lightly – not getting much actual sleep at all. The energy of others, combined with unfamiliar nighttime noises, has a way of keeping me ever so conscious. 

My World Is Shaking 

At 6:00 a.m. on Monday morning, a small 4.5 earthquake briefly shakes my bedroom. I giggle as I remember the much larger 5.7 quake that woke me just yesterday morning, during our final night at the Mystical Yoga Farm. 

“Two quakes in two days.” I ponder to myself. “It looks like the world as I know it is once-again being shaken up a little.” 

Grateful Goodbyes 

Monday morning is every bit as delightful. As the children slowly begin to stir, each of them amazes me with their gracious courtesy and gentle manners. An ear-to-ear grin consumes my face as these wonderful children take turns approaching me and lovingly wishing me “Buenos dias, Brenda.” 

Shortly after 8:00 a.m., the beautiful woman who led our ceremonial fire last night insists that she wants to go thank Terry yet again for letting us use her property. Soon, our entire group walks through the small paths of San Marcos over to Terry’s home where we enjoy a delightful gratitude-filled visit. 

My heart is again filled with warmth by the loving attention given to me by two of the older children. Throughout our walks around San Marcos, these beautiful young men carefully hold my hands, sharing their love and gentlemanly concern for my wellbeing.  

“I could get used to this.” I think to myself with a grin. 

A little later, Isaias’s lovely little wife brings over a deliciously-prepared traditional Mayan breakfast. I cannot help but giggle with delight as I cherish the privilege of participating in this special breakfast gathering of fifteen – an experience that includes Keith and a couple of other friends. 

As the beautiful family finally expresses their heart-felt goodbyes around 10:45 a.m., they quickly rush to catch boats and then buses that will take them back to their mountain home just a couple of hours away from Lake Atitlan. The children need to be in school by early afternoon. 

I am exhausted and drained as I hurry to clean up and prepare for two new roommates who will be arriving tomorrow. With minimal stress, I somehow manage to get everything accomplished just in time to wander over to Keith’s magical porch for a powerful afternoon ceremony. 

Moroni Revisited 

As the healing group gets underway, I am quite surprised when Keith immediately turns to me. 

“So, Brenda,” Keith queries, “up to what age were you when we stopped yesterday?” 

“I think I had reprocessed many of my emotions right up till around age fifteen.” I reply. 

Soon, Keith guides me to continue a process of imagining myself immersed in a loving protective bubble, built and maintained by the Angel Moroni. I am quite eager to continue forward. 

A Manifested Mirror 

Imagining this loving bubble around me, I again start to re-live old memories from a new perspective. It is a perspective of no longer feeling the excruciating emotional pain through which I passed, but instead imagining and feeling the influence of self-love guiding me through that same growth. 

No sooner do I begin this process when another gentleman in the group begins to emotionally fall apart, crying and demanding Keith’s attention. 

This beautiful man – a man whom I will call Serg (not his real name) – grew up in an eastern-block country during the middle of the last century. His life began late in the era of Joseph Stalin – a time when dissenting voices were not welcome – a time of structure, rational mind, and conformity – a time when dissenters and their families could literally end up being exiled to Siberia, or perhaps worse.  

When Serg was a young adult, he left his country and spent decades pursuing a Yogic path, connecting with great masters in places such as Tibet and India. His path has led him in a fascinating journey – a journey that has most recently resulted in several years of living in Guatemala.  

I have no doubt that Serg is exactly where I need him to be. He often reflects to me a powerful mirror of things that I continue to judge in myself – namely the struggles of being caught up in the structure and doubts of rational mind – the struggles of trying to push the river with conscious thought rather than simply following the flow of Higher Self. 

I often find it difficult to not project judgment onto that beautiful mirror called Serg. Today is no exception. I have begun to notice that whenever I go deeply into my own pain, Serg almost immediately does the same – as he is doing right now. 

Mine or His 

Reigning in my judgment, I let go of what I am doing and implicitly trust the interruption, trying to remind myself that everything on the porch is my creation. 

To my surprise, as I connect to what Serg is doing, I immediately begin to feel a strong pain in my solar plexus. 

“Is this my pain, or am I feeling Serg’s pain?” I briefly query Keith. 

During the past few months I have frequently experienced the emotional pain of others – literally feeling their pain inside of my own body – but I have not yet learned to distinguish whether what I am feeling is my own or theirs. My own emotional issues still cloud my perception. 

“The pain you feel belongs to both of you.” Keith responds unexpectedly. 

Keith goes on to explain that the process of shutting down my inner magic during my Mormon upbringing was very similar to the energetic shutdown that Serg went through both in his childhood and during his deeply spiritual Yogic path. 

“You both received the same type of psychic programming.” Keith continues. “You were trained to give up your self, your own inner magic, and to instead follow a system of someone else’s structured rules.” 

Return to Chaos 

“Brenda,” Keith quickly guides me, “connect to Serg’s energy and drop your protective bubble. Allow yourself to really feel what he is feeling.” 

Gradually, I begin to painfully experience an all-too-familiar sensation of energy chaos – this time more powerfully than I have ever felt it. I literally feel like an abused punching bag, with large iron fists of painful energy hitting me from the base of my belly to the middle of my heart chakra … pounding … pounding … and pounding. 

Slowly, the energy bombardment spreads into my high heart and then into the throat. As the pounding consumes my throat, I literally feel as if I am being choked – like something is squeezing in on my neck from both sides. 

No longer being capable of withstanding the intensity of the pain, I begin to sink into deep tears. Suddenly, another metaphor rages into my mind – that being an image of me hiding on a ravaged battle field with whistling mortar shells landing and exploding all around me. Each explosion literally shakes my entire body. 

I know I am experiencing all of this while connected to Serg’s energy, but I also know intuitively that everything applies one-hundred percent to me as well. 

An EVIL Magic 

“This is what you were told that spiritual love was all about.” Keith interrupts my painful process. “In the name of spiritual love, you received energetic programming that psychically disconnected you from your true self.” 

“It was like a horse being broken.” Keith continues. “You finally gave up after experiencing years of this chaotic bombardment – after years of being preached to, both verbally, energetically, and psychically.” 

Keith points out that at age three I was still deeply connected to the magical energies, but that those divine connections were completely and utterly invalidated by the beliefs that were lovingly-but-forcefully programmed into my mind. 

“You were literally made to believe that the inner magic you once felt and knew to be true was EVIL.” Keith continues with deep conviction. 

As I ponder my Mormon roots, I begin to recognize that my beliefs were deeply mystical. I was taught to believe that God and other beings do indeed communicate with people on the earth – that men could receive personal revelation and could even in certain circumstances channel divine messages for others (such as a Patriarchal Blessing). Worthy men even gave blessings to others, placing hands on their heads and sharing divine energy for the purpose of healing. 

But the one thing that was energetically pounded most forcefully into my mind is that there is an approved hierarchy of divine guidance and priesthood “magic” – that everything has to come through proper channels of ordained leadership. Satan searches for any and every opportunity to deceive even the elect of God with his counterfeit communications. If a person is not careful, they might receive guidance from the Devil himself. Yes any personal magic not sanctioned and blessed by the church as a whole was seen as deeply suspect, most likely originating from dark and evil sources. 

If I did indeed have an entire magical theme park in my head as a child (which I deeply believe to be true), my religious programming would absolutely have made me shut it down. If I had expressed that magic in any way, it would have been quickly, but lovingly reprimanded. Countless well-meaning and loving adults would have eagerly taught me that my childish fantasies were wrong and misguided, even EVIL. 

Keith’s words resonate profoundly in my heart. As I ponder the intense chaotic energies that even now bombard my body, I can only imagine that this is how I must have literally felt as an innocent child, trying to protect my magical truth from the unstoppable onslaught of adult programming and conditioning. 

All Consuming 

As I continue to feel the energies bombarding and strangling my life force, I soon feel the energy onslaught begin to pound on my forehead, mainly in the area of my third-eye chakra. Soon, I even feel the chaos-inducing energies bouncing around inside of my head, causing me to briefly bang my head on the wall behind me. 

Eventually, the bombardment of chaos spreads to my crown – as if fists are lightly pounding on the very top of my scalp. 

My entire body, from the base of my spine to the top of my head, now feels as if I am the object of energetic target practice for an entire class of black-belt martial arts students. 

As I ponder more deeply, continuing to feel the intense energies of chaos, I intuitively know that the bombardment initially began in my third eye and then spread to the rest of my body. It only makes sense that the home of my magical theme park would be the first and most obliterated target. 

I feel as if I have a thick wall of lead built right into the skull at the front of my forehead. 

Metaphorical Connections 

“Serg, bring in the light.” Keith guides my friend. “Ask it to show you the first place in your body that was blocked, and to show you how to open it.” 

As I imagine myself doing the same, my attention is suddenly drawn intuitively to my second chakra – the source of my sexual and creativity shutdown. As I ponder the discrepancy, I remember a metaphor that surfaced during a private session with Keith just a few weeks ago. In that session I had discovered a metaphorical diving platform at the base of my third-eye – and the target of the lake below was exactly at my second chakra.  

Yes, I have known for a while now that my third-eye shutdown is directly connected to the shutdown of my sexual and creativity energies. 

Autopilot Castle Walls 

As I meditate further, I suddenly feel as if a huge stone castle surrounds my entire skull. The thick rock walls are impenetrable, allowing absolutely no light to enter. 

The walls of this imaginary castle begin to feel physically heavy on my shoulders and neck – a weight that prevented me from speaking my truth through much of my life. 

For the next hour I play with this wall, engaging several metaphors. I imagine the wall transforming into nothing but a thin mesh, allowing the beautiful light and energetic breezes to easily penetrate, but still preventing the annoying mosquitoes from getting in. For some reason, I cannot yet completely remove the wall altogether – a small fear continues to dictate that I need some type of protection here. But hey, a layer of mosquito netting is way different from thick stone walls. 

Next, I imagine myself as being a bright shining light. I intuitively know that darkness cannot threaten a bright shining light, because anything dense and dark that is brought into the light simply becomes light itself. I love this new metaphor, recognizing that it entirely removes the concept of defense. I can simply be in my loving space, shining light, and nothing can touch or harm me. 

But the fearful puppy in me insists that another subconscious safety-net be put in place. Soon, I imagine an autopilot response, one that will detect my current state of “glow” – my current connection to the bright and shining light of love. When I am deeply engaged in this glow, the autopilot will lower all of my walls. When I get disconnected from the light, the walls will automatically rise to protect me. Eventually, as I learn to remain in the higher-vibration glow state, the walls will no longer be a part of my life. 

I know it is silly, but a frightened little puppy living somewhere inside of me insists on this temporary arrangement, still not fully convinced that it believes one of my favorite A Course In Miracles quotes, the title of workbook lesson 153: “In My Defenselessness My Safety Lies.” 

Where I Am 

In the process of this meditation, I feel a deep love for myself – an unconditional love that does not judge me for still maintaining a level of protective fear. I am deeply grateful for the flow of my healing path, for my ongoing realization that everything that I need continues to manifest in perfect order. 

“I am perfect right now.” I pat myself on the back. “I love myself for being exactly where I am., for being exactly where I need to be, for doing exactly the things I need to heal and grow, and for continuously heading toward higher-vibration states. What could be more perfect than that?” 

A Week In Review 

“Brenda,” Keith tells me after ceremony on Monday evening. “Congratulations on doing some deep and powerful work during this past week.” 

Keith reminds me that he has known many people, who after years of deep and powerful inner work, got so lost in their egos and God dramas that they literally began to project all over the place, being unable and unwilling to finish their training.  

“Thank you so much Keith.” I respond with a glow in my heart. “It must have taken a lot of courage for you to follow your guidance so beautifully. Even when I began to suffer and to project all over you, you stood firm, having the courage to do what needed to be done, knowing that it was entirely possible that I too may walk away and never come back.” 

“And I did walk away.” I giggle from my heart. “But not for long … I came back … I am so determined to continue down my path. Nothing can stop me.” 

“But Keith,” I add in all seriousness. “If I had not built up such an unconditional and unwavering trust in you over the past eight months, I honestly believe that I would have walked away last Monday. Every part of ego demanded that I bolt and run, but my heart lovingly radiated ‘STAY’.” 

I am so grateful that I did stay, and I cannot wait to see where continued steps lead. 

Adventurous Travels

After writing all morning, Tuesday, March 29 turns into an amazing and memorable day. First, at 1:30 p.m., my new roommate, Skye, shows up with her friend Joy. They had met while traveling in Nicaragua. As you may recall, Skye is the beautiful younger sister to my dear friend and former roommate Rae. She set out on her own adventures at the beginning of February, and is just now returning to San Marcos, with plans to stay for another few weeks. 

But there is no time to talk – talking will simply have to wait. Another amazing adventure is in the works. 

By 3:00 p.m., seven of us (including Skye and Joy) rendezvous at my house. Soon we are rushing off, crowded into two tiny tuk-tuks headed for the nearby town of San Pablo. Next we climb into the back of a bumpy old pickup truck and begin an open-air ride, climbing over the beautiful rugged peaks that tower above San Marcos and Lake Atitlan below. The view from the back of the pickup truck is spectacular – but I am deeply grateful for a warm sweatshirt and a very sturdy metal railing around which I can securely wrap my arms. The final leg of our public transportation leaves the seven of us squeezed into a small fifteen passenger van. Around 28 people begin this cramped journey together. I just love Guatemala. 

Finally, around 4:45 p.m. we reach our destination. It is a stretch of open highway where we hope to soon meet Keith and a friend, both of whom spent the day in Xela. Keith should be driving by in his little Toyota truck quite soon. The seven of us will crowd into the shell-covered back of the truck for the final leg of our adventure. 

Eventually we arrive at a little village high up in the mountains – the very same little village that several of us visited in January – the beautiful little home of the Mayan Priestesses (shamans) and their wonderful family. By special request, they have agreed to do yet another wonderful fire ceremony for us. 

Cultural Exploration 

To think I almost didn’t go! How could I possibly have thought about missing such an amazing evening? 

The family provides us with honor and loving hospitality, almost immediately serving us an early evening snack – delicious bowls of some type of soup made from a local type of squash. To my surprise, my very picky pallet is quite pleased. I actually enjoy the mystery dish. 

I am doubly delighted by the opportunity to further play with the children – and they seem to have as much fun with me. I giggle when one of them gets the courage to ask me some very personal questions. 

“So women in your culture can wear pants?” The darling little boy asks so innocently. “And you can paint your toes too?” 

In his own beautiful existence, living high up in the Guatemalan mountains, all of the women and girls that he knows wear only beautiful and colorful skirts, or cortes (CORE-tays) as they call them in Spanish. 

Beyond Expectations 

The two women put on another memorable ceremony. Due to the lateness of the hour, they build the fire right in their yard, on top an old metal disk, just next to the wooden shed where the women’s father builds beautiful marimbas. 

For nearly two hours, we bask in the spiritual glow of meditative energies. Some of the ceremony is performed in Spanish and translated to English – but much of the speaking is done in the local Mayan dialect – leaving most of us to only guess and feel the words that are being spoken. But the energy of the ceremony is clear. It is one of deep high-vibration love, joining cultures and beliefs together with common bonds of beautiful unconditional love. 

Then again, my favorite part of the ceremony is sitting between several of the young children, having them hold my hands and occasionally lean on me. Have I said yet that I love these darling children? 

To our surprise, as the fire finally fades to an orange glow, we unexpectedly learn that our evening is not yet over. These two amazing women soon guide us back into the kitchen where their mother has prepared a delicious chicken soup for the whole family, including us. 

The late-night mountain air is quite chilly as we finally squeeze back into the rear compartment of Keith’s little truck. As I finally slip onto my soft and comfy pillow, sometime around 12:45 a.m., I am exhausted but overjoyed and overflowing with love. 

The last couple of days have brought one amazing adventure after another. I love that my deep journey into the chaotic energies of childhood programming was so beautifully squeezed right into the middle of an incredible cultural sandwich. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

I feel as if I am fit to be diagnosed as bipolar.

Yes, my path is guiding me to new highs. There is no doubt as I clear away layer after layer of forgotten emotional densities that dormant seeds of inner magic continue to sprout and blossom in beautiful ways. Energy channels that I did not know even existed, having long been plugged and forgotten, are now beginning to dance with delightful vibration.

But the depth of the accompanying lows causes alarm bells to sound. It seems that the deeper I venture into uncovering and healing all of these buried emotional wounds, the more treacherous are the bumps and quicksand scattered across my path.

Ego must be feeling quite cornered right now. Why else would it be fighting back with such cunning intensity?

Even as I attempt to write and integrate, the intense roller coaster ride of emotional memories attempts to suck me back into deep confusion and depression.

Two intensely overwhelming pendulum swings, violently jerking me to extreme opposite ends of the emotional spectrum, both occurring in the same week, is more than I feel capable of withstanding.

As it turns out, I am stronger than I think.

Riding The Wave

It is Thursday morning, March 24. Keith and four others, including me, meet up at the San Marcos boat dock as the first step in what we hope will be a fun and growth-filled adventure. Keith is facilitating a three day retreat weekend at the Mystical Yoga Farm across the lake.

I am tagging along with the intention of being one of Keith’s assistants, eager and ready to help facilitate the healing processes of others. After nearly going down with a sinking ship during the previous three days, I am now giggling up on my surfboard, riding a beautiful wave of light. I feel energized, powerful, and invincible.

Little do I know that by week’s end, my face will be dragging in the coarse sand beneath the waves.

Perhaps I need to develop a better sense of humor.

An Unexpected Challenge

Thursday at the Mystical Yoga Farm meets my every expectation. The chocolate ceremony is beautiful. I am filled with overflowing light, and my heart finds ample opportunity to shine with loving power.

As darkness rapidly approaches, the majority of retreat-goers participate in an evening sauna. My heart anxiously skips a few beats as I watch from a nearby building, I notice that most who enter the sauna do so completely in the buff – no clothing whatsoever.

The “old me” would have been horrified, flowing with rampant moral judgment about the evils of such improper conduct. The “new me” is both extremely envious and terrified – desperately wishing I had the courage to casually walk naked into that sauna – wishing I could drop my clothing and my distorted childhood beliefs – wishing to be free of the inner judgments that continue to hold me hostage.

After a beautiful post-sauna evening discussion in which Keith shares considerable information about past lives and parallel dimensions, I retire happily to my cozy little tent. Keith has been kind enough to loan me a small tent and a couple of self-inflating pads. I love my little private space. It is much nicer than trying to share a crowded cabin with others.

As I drift off to sleep, the mysterious sauna still consumes my mind.

“If there is another sauna tomorrow night,” I ponder quietly,” and if I can find the courage to participate, it might really help me break through another layer of the old dysfunctional sexual repression that continues to holds me hostage.”

“But do I have the courage?” I speculate, cowering under my blankets.

Kicked In The Gut

The Friday afternoon chocolate ceremony begins with a fun and unique twist. As a follow-up to our discussion from last evening, Keith responds to a group request, skillfully guiding us all into simultaneous past-life regressions. Keith somehow manages to make it work, even though we are each deeply immersed in our own individual process.

In my own regression, I am not sure whether it is a past life, a parallel life, or simply an extremely powerful subconscious metaphor from childhood – but regardless, my experience brings immense growth and insight.

I find myself as a young girl, perhaps five or six years of age. In my hand is a cute little magic wand. As I glance at my feet, I see a beautiful pair of sparkling emerald green slippers. I giggle and play alone in my room – a special hideaway that has become my self-created world of wonder. The power of my imagination is vivid and alive as I hear my mother approach.

“This is not real.” My mother scolds me. “Grow up … be serious … there is no such thing as magic.”

Feelings of devastation wash through me as I attempt to defend myself against my mother’s horrible lies. This is not the first time she has tried to squash my magic. It has happened at least five or six times before.

I no longer have the capacity to fight back. Giving up completely, I finally collapse and surrender to my mother’s relentless invalidation of the magic that lives inside of me.

Nausea physically consumes my body. I feel as if I were literally kicked in the gut – the wind has been knocked out of me. I cannot breathe. My life force has been assassinated. There is no hope, no magic, no joy, no happiness, no play, no imagination – just serious rules and structure.

Deep emptiness and sadness consume me.

Death and Rebirth

“It literally feels like you died when you finally gave up.” Keith consoles me.

“Yes, it really does.” I sigh in despair, “and it feels as if that magic that died will never come back.”

“I gave up on loving myself when I lost my magic,” I continue sharing with Keith. “I instead began to seek love and approval from everyone and everything outside of myself.

“Hold out your hands.” Keith begins to coach me. “In one hand hold the experience of having lost all of your magic. In the other, hold an angel that will help you.”

I begin to feel slightly better as I send love to the contents of both hands.

“Now,” Keith continues guiding me, “bring that magical little girl with you to the present day, and ask if she will help you now, right here.”

“Do you feel that your inner magic has been awakening over the last six months?” Keith asks a very obvious question.

“Of course I do,” I easily reply.

I smile and giggle as I remember powerful lightning bolts of energy, followed by one amazing experience after another.

“Will that little girl help you now?” Keith again asks.

As I meditate on the answer, I am shocked to get the feeling that this beautiful little girl is very tentative, not really sure if she trusts me yet. She is fearful that I will give up in my path. A strong intuition flashes through my mind, telling me that it was this little girl who didn’t want to walk with me out of my own private hell hole on Wednesday – that she is the stuck and frightened puppy that sill shakes with doubt and mistrust.

Finally, after a period of deep meditation, I feel the energy of her magic start to join with me – I begin to feel another boost of light and love, filling me with peace and joy.

Joyful Feedback

Later, after the ceremony ends, Keith and I are talking about my process as a friend interrupts. She refers to an earlier comment I made about needing to love myself.

“Brenda’s work today made me cry.” My friend speaks up. “And her process deeply inspired my own work. Of all the people I know, she is one of the most easy to love.”

My heart smiles, as does the heart of that magical five or six year old girl.

Sauna or Bust

Before dinner, as I notice a few people slipping into the wood-fire-powered sauna, I put my rational mind away and run back to my tent to change. Minutes later, I nervously step into the sauna, remove my thin scarf-wrap, and glow with bare-skinned confidence. There are only four or five of us inside, making the process considerably easier than I had imagined.

“I can’t believe I am doing this.” I tell a nearby woman. “This is such a huge step for me in freeing myself from past inhibitions and belief systems. And I don’t even feel uncomfortable or nervous at all.”

I only remain in the sauna for about fifteen minutes, but that is plenty of time to place hundreds of imaginary gold stars on my forehead. A few minutes later, as I sit down fully clothed for dinner, I experience a new-found sense of inner confidence.

Contract or Bust

Saturday afternoon, in another beautiful chocolate ceremony at the yoga retreat, I focus on exploring the issue of another possible past-life contract – something I had wanted to do on Monday before my ship began to sink.

As I wander deep into my subconscious mind, I do indeed find remnants of an agreement that requires me to avoid relationships, to not have any fun, to be serious about my spiritual path, and to do it under the guidance of a powerful teacher (not on my own).

I feel as if I am making up the contract, completely writing it with my imagination, creating something out of nothing. Doubts swarm my consciousness.

“No, you are not just making this up.” Keith encourages me. “It is real. Trust yourself and continue your process.”

As Keith makes his way around the pavilion, I feel extremely distracted by the long time-delay and the events unfolding around me.

“Distractions are also a part of your contract.” Keith tells me when he finally returns to work with me. “You need to be distracted when you get close to your own heart space.”

“Huh?” I respond with confusion. “I don’t quite get that.”

“Think about it.” Keith tells me before moving on.

After another long delay, Keith again returns to work with me. I have had ample opportunity to digest Keith’s words, but am still as confused and distracted as ever.

“This is not a new contract.” Keith tells me with confidence. “This is still a carryover from the one that you destroyed last summer. But even though you successfully destroyed it, you continue looping in the old behaviors related to that contract – rules that required you to work, work, work and to never play – rules that required you to be serious, to have no relationships, no nothing of the sort – rules that will cause you to be very distracted if you get too far into your own heart space.”

“You are now looping in those rules.” Keith tells me. “You can stay in the loop or leave the loop at any time you feel ready – but you need to observe yourself, to love yourself, and to keep learning from what you are doing.”

I leave the ceremony in a very unsettled and weird mood.

Creation of Chaos

As Saturday evening unfolds, my lack of confidence and distraction only intensifies. I want to be alone. I want to get out of everyone’s energy field. I feel as if their energy is attacking me, bringing me even more chaos and confusion.

In a silly attempt to get away from the chaos, I walk down to the dark pavilion. Last night the pavilion had been quiet and isolated, and I expect it will be the same tonight.

After wrapping up in a blanket and slipping into a hammock, I am shocked at what unfolds. A few minutes later, several people come down and begin to play with “Poi” balls – balls suspended on chains that are then rotated around in fancy circles and patterns.

Soon, others in the group bring an IPOD and speakers, followed by several large drums. It seems as if the whole group has joined me in the pavilion with the implicit intent to play a role in my healing script – a script of energetic chaos – a script that my own higher energies seem to have created just specifically for me.

Through it all I remain totally silent, wrapped up in my blanket, relaxing in my hammock.

Every sound and movement seems to bombard me with painful energy, bouncing into my head, chest, and abdomen. I recognize this chaotic energy – it is quite familiar – it is something I have experienced many times before.

For a while, I cry in silence as a cat rests on my lap, hiding with me in the hammock. The pain of the chaos is quite intense. I reminisce about how my own pet cats always used to comfort me during times of struggle, especially during my older childhood and younger teen years.

Silent Struggle

I don’t run from the chaos, but I do retreat a small step back to watch. I am determined to not let this energetic chaos win – to observe it and find out what it is and why it has such a devastating power over me.

For the rest of the evening and nearly all of Sunday morning, I barely interact with anyone. Instead, I silently observe myself, my weird energetic feelings, my reactions, my confusion, my feeling of wanting to run away and of being overwhelmed.

These reactions are bizarre and confusing, but I am determined to learn.

Roommate Break

As expected, Peter is gone when I return to my San Marcos apartment on Sunday morning. We had said goodbye early on Thursday morning. His time to move on had come, and I deeply look forward to a few days of isolation – especially with the confused way I currently feel.

Stuck In A Rut

Soon I am back on Keith’s porch. For most of the Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony, I continue to isolate. I feel emotionally numb, completely stuck in a rut of exhaustion, chaos, and confusion. Curling up on my stuffed pillow while little tears trickle down my cheeks seems like my only option to survive the ceremony.

Finally, one of my friends, a man who himself has been deeply stuck for a very long time, makes a major breakthrough in his own emotional stuck-ness. I watch with loving interest, but continue to sit helplessly and hopelessly on my pillow across the porch.

Soon, my friend finishes his process and is quietly resting and integrating.

To my surprise, this friend unexpectedly abandons his own process, walks over to my side, bends over to whisper in my ear, and asks if it is OK if he does some energy work on me.

As a few people begin to look quite puzzled by my friend’s behavior, Keith intervenes with, “It’s OK. He knows exactly where he needs to be right now.”

As my stuck friend begins to share energy with me, I break down into deep sobs. My emotional wall has been shattered, and I am crumbling into a pile of emotional rubble.

 “What does Brenda need right now?” Keith asks another woman – a woman who had been with me at the yoga retreat.

“She needs our love.” This dear woman responds.

Am I Just Looping?

“Brenda,” Keith lovingly asks, “will you please get in the middle?”

Seconds later, I have moved my large pillow to the middle of the porch, having no clue as to what will happen next. I only know I am stuck, lost, and desperate.

“You have all of these incredible highs,” Keith begins to talk to me, “and then you fall right back into your emotional loops. This is drama.”

I am momentarily stunned by the word “drama.”

“Keith,” I plead for guidance, “I feel as if the deeper I go into my emotional processing, the more magic I feel open up inside. But at the same time, the more I open up these old and very deep emotional wounds, the more I feel as if I am simply flushing myself down the emotional toilet. I feel as if I am increasingly lost in those emotions, going deeper into chaos, spinning and looping with no lasting productivity.”

“Am I simply looping in the same old stuff, just being dramatic?” I beg for answers. “Or am I really going into new layers, actually being productive with the work I am doing?

“No Brenda,” Keith reassures me, “you are not just looping in the same stuff. What you are doing is very real and powerful, and is indeed going another layer deeper.”

Childhood Chaos

I explain to Keith about what happened to me last night. I remind him about a few other times when I was recently lost in the bombardment of confusing and chaotic energies.

“When I get into this chaos, I feel completely helpless.” I begin explaining. “It has total power over me and I don’t know what to do.”

“Go back to when you first felt this energy chaos.” Keith guides me. “How old were you?”

Since I have no physical memory of such chaos at younger ages, I reach deep into my intuition, searching for an answer that ‘feels’ right.

“I want to say somewhere between age three and ten.” I begin. “But it feels more accurate to say between ages three and five.”

“Put yourself back in that situation and feel the energy bombarding you.” Keith guides me.

As I begin to follow Keith’s instructions I almost immediately freeze up and collapse forward. I am tightly clenching my fists in an attempt to shut down the energy. I begin to cry profusely as sharp agonizing pains form in the lower-abdominal regions of my second chakra.

Bending over at the waist, I sob uncontrollably. I desperately want to stop the frightening energy, but I continue asking it to bombard me – to show me what I actually felt during the tender years of my early energetic shut down.

An Unwanted Angel

“Now bring in the Angel Moroni to protect you from this energy bombardment.” Keith guides me in a surprising new twist. “Don’t bring in the fake one that used to help your parents and your religion to judge you, bring in the real one that understands the truth.”

A statue of the Angel Moroni stands atop every Mormon temple throughout the world. I initially resist bringing in such a loaded symbol from my past, but when Keith points out that I am to bring in the real unconditionally-loving Moroni, I decide to give his instructions a try.

It takes me a few minutes of emotional fumbling through the deep sobs before I am able to imagine Moroni building a bubble of loving and protective energy around me. Once I am able to feel that bubble firmly in place, several more minutes elapse before I am fully capable of calming and relaxing the remaining whimpers and heavy breathing.

Finally, I feel safe, happy, and secure – with absolutely no chaotic energy bombarding me.

“Now start to grow up with this energy protecting you.” Keith gives me his next unexpected guidance.

As I immerse myself deeply into meditation, I imagine myself very slowly passing through childhood and teenage experiences, reliving each memory that comes to mind. Through the process, I imagine that the energy chaos has been replaced with a peaceful protection, knowing that all is OK, that nothing will harm me, that there is a loving purpose for all of my early-life struggles.

Beautifully missing from this growing up experience are the emotional self-hatred, judgment, guilt, and shame.  From inside of this bubble, I imagine myself lovingly and confidently facing each of the fears that incessantly plagued me during these tender years. The longer I remain in this peaceful meditation, the more peace, confidence, and loving energy I feel opening up in my heart.

Gradually, I move from lying down to sitting, from frowning to smiling. At the same time, I slowly increase the age of memories through which I am passing. As I reach a point in my late teens, I suddenly feel a deep pain blocking the channel between my solar plexus and my heart chakra.

Using the palm of my hand, I begin to pound on my chest, directly above the excruciating pain, desperately trying to get it to move, to get it unstuck.

“Will someone please hit me gently on the back, right here?” I plead, pointing to a spot on my back. I crave some type of physical release from the energetic nightmare of pain.

When the person stops tapping me on the back, I begin thrusting my abdomen to the front and then to the back, frantically trying to free the painfully blocked energy in my spine, hoping this movement will help move the blockage.

I overhear Keith ask someone to build a two-deep row of foam cushions.

“Brenda,” Keith quickly asks. “Please lie face down on the cushions.”

“Take a deep breath and then breathe out slowly.” Keith continues.

I have no idea what is about to transpire, but I trust Keith implicitly. As I slowly breathe outward, I am totally shocked when Keith suddenly presses along the spine of my lower back, doing a skillful adjustment to those lower vertebrae.

“Crack” I hear many vertebrae move back into place.

Simultaneously, emotional sobs burst uncontrollably forth from my mouth, as if a deeply trapped wave of emotional densities is suddenly freed up and ripped out of me.

A minute later, after the sobbing subsides, Keith asks me to take another deep breath. As I release the breath, another round of cracking ensues, this time higher up on the back, synchronized with another powerful release of emotions.

Oddly enough, I also suddenly feel a strong sore throat surface out of nowhere.

Intuitively, I recognize the metaphorical symbolism – the just-released trapped emotions were deeply related to my inabilities to express myself – to speak my truth during those years of childhood energetic terror.

To my relief the energetic sore throat lasts only about a half hour.

Lightning Bolts Revisited

After the tearful release gradually fades, I begin to feel a powerful flow of energy running through my arms and hands. I recognize the amazing feeling – it reminds me of an undeniable glimpse of energy given to me last November – an experience where I felt as if high-voltage power lines were literally running current through my body.

Today, the energy is strong, but much milder than what I experienced four months ago.

“This is cool.” I tell Keith with delight. “If I keep getting new energetic gifts like this after each emotional layer is peeled off, then bring on the next layer.”

Twice Energized

For the second time in seven days, I have gone into the painful depths of deep emotional pain, only to rise back to the heights of surfing on another beautiful wave of light.

Indeed I do feel a little bipolar – and if I didn’t trust the process implicitly I would probably consider seeking out psychiatric help to assist me with my severe mood swings.

But I know there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I am engaged in a deeply empowered process. I am exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing. Yes, the journey is proving to be extremely difficult at times, but the peace in my heart tells me “job well done … now keep going.”

Part of me desperately hopes that I am very close to the bottom of the emotional barrel – another part of me genuinely retorts “bring on the next step, no matter what it is.”

Unexpected Guests

As ceremony nears a normal conclusion, Keith receives an unexpected visit. The two Mayan Priestesses (shaman) women whom we visited in January have stopped by, bringing with them another sister and a brother, along with five young children.

It seems that they have no plans for meals, nor any place to sleep.

“Uh …. Keith,” I whisper, “now that Peter has gone, I have available space at my place where they can crash … provided you can help me with extra sleeping pads and blankets.”

A whole new adventure is about to unfold.

I will not be getting the peaceful isolation I was so craving, but the energy of my heart again says “bring it on.”

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Monday morning, as I rush off to Panajachel for a quick bank and Skype trip, emotional exhaustion is like a junkyard dog nipping at my heels. It is one of those days where abundant restful sleep the night before does not seem to help in the slightest. 

During a long Skype conversation with my dear friend Michelle, I describe to her how utterly drained that I feel. 

“Four months of nearly nonstop emotional processing has taken me to the brink of burnout.” I tell Michelle in desperation. “I have a headache and am emotionally processed out. I want to have some fun, but am too tired and too serious to do so.” 

“But I still know that I am exactly where I need to be.” I go on. “I am deeply grateful for the powerful healing … and the energy that is opening up in me is amazing.” 

While I feel as if I desperately need a break, something inside of me will not allow me to miss a single group. Keith might begin traveling internationally in a few weeks, and I cannot bear the thought of missing even one day of inner healing. 

This inner state of mental and emotional exhaustion turns out to be the perfect setup for what will unfold as an excruciatingly difficult day. 

Act One: Following the Mirrors 

I am completely lost in my role as the Monday afternoon stage play begins. This morning’s exhaustion has carried over, but so has my determination to engage in another beautiful day of healing.  

Recognizing that I am constantly creating my own reality on Keith’s magical porch, I carefully observe everything that takes place, deeply dissecting every event as a possible mirror into my own process, looking for every clue to my next lesson. 

I watch as one woman does some powerful past-life contract work. 

“I wonder if I might have another past-life contract of my own.” I silently ponder. “Perhaps I have a deep agreement that forces me to continue taking life too seriously in my spiritual path – one that does not allow me to play and have fun.” 

Another group member seems very complacent and peaceful, gliding through life as if on autopilot, not outwardly seeming to dig deeper into her issues. 

“Is that me?” I ask myself. “Am I avoiding issues and just sliding through life?” 

Another woman engages in powerful inner child work, metaphorically playing with her little girl – again reminding me that life needs to include joyful play. 

In this same woman’s meditation, Keith guides her to a subconscious book of rules – rules that are keeping her and her inner child stuck. As Keith guides her to rip out and destroy the pages containing the related rules, I try to do the same with my own subconscious “take-life-too-seriously” rules. But as I do so, I am overwhelmed with a feeling of deep fear and stuck-ness. No matter how many times I try to release and destroy these suffocating rules, they keep coming back to me, remaining glued to me, taunting me, proclaiming that I am bound to forever be too serious – that I will never triumph over them. 

Then another woman begins to access her own stuck-and-heavy energies. As she does so, I deeply relate. My own emotions of helplessness and stuck-ness begin to boil inside. As I allow those emotions to surface, tears begin to trickle down my cheeks. 

“Yes, this is my issue for today.” I tell myself as I prepare to dive deeply into my own emotional process. 

“Brenda,” Keith immediately asks, “will you come over and help hold space. I feel that you are deeply connected to the same issue.” 

Act Two: The Victim 

I make a valiant effort to hold space for my friend, sharing in her process while sending high vibration energy of loving support – but my heart is empty, my emotional state is drained, and my desire to help others at my own expense is completely nonexistent. 

I feel ignored and left out as I quietly cry in my own pain. I am becoming quite skilled at my role as pitiful victim. Perhaps I deserve an Oscar for my acting … only it is no longer acting. I am a method-actress, literally lost in the reality of my role. 

Leaving my post as assistant, I make a quick bathroom trip. As I slip back by Keith’s chair, he momentarily grabs my hand, looks into my face, and gives me a deeply reassuring look with light-filled eyes – but he says absolutely nothing. Seconds later I am curled up on my nearby stuffed pillow, sinking deeper and deeper into my own emotional processing. 

Act Three: The Need For Love 

Keith completely ignores me as I fully immerse myself in the victim energy of my rapidly sinking emotions – the helplessness and the stuck-ness that seem to be spreading their way through my soul. Nearly thirty minutes pass before Keith even acknowledges me. 

“Brenda, I’m getting that you need to love yourself.” Keith calls out from across the porch. “Congratulations on being in a very powerful place.” 

His stage-play lines sound almost celebratory and condescending. 

“Of course I need to love myself.” I pout silently without responding to Keith. “But how can I do that when these dark heavy emotions are hanging over me like a death cloud. I need help to clear the emotions so that I can then access the self-love that I so desperately need to bring in.” 

I pout and resist, deeply resenting what I perceive as Keith’s “non-help”. Nevertheless, I make a half-hearted attempt to access self-love. 

“Nope, it doesn’t work.” I grumble in my mind. “I still cannot find self-love amidst all this emotional density. I need to work through my painful emotions first … I’ll just wait until Keith helps me.” 

Act Four: Being Ignored 

Eventually, after what feels like a very long time, Keith finally speaks to me. 

“How are you doing, Brenda?” Keith asks with a kind and loving tone. 

“I’m still very stuck.” I reply glumly. “I could really use some help in processing these emotions.” 

Keith turns away and proceeds to work with another person, then another. After awhile, someone from the street walks in and apologizes for interrupting the ceremony. 

“Oh, no.” Keith replies to them. “You are not interrupting. You have arrived at just the perfect time.” 

I silently grumble in frustration, feeling in my heart that Keith is grasping at every opportunity to abandon me in my misery. It is obvious to me that he continues to intentionally ignore me while instead working with others. 

Act Five: Stolen Emotions 

A new friend sees my suffering, and without asking comes over and begins to practice Reiki on me, starting with my back. 

“Please stop,” I ask her lovingly. “The pressure from your hands leaning on my back actually hurts a little bit.” 

A few minutes later, the same friend finds a new position to sit by me and proceeds to place her hands on my upper back. Feeling guilty for rejecting her, I try to surrender, allowing her to work on me even though I really don’t want anyone touching me right now. Suddenly I feel all of my negative emotions simply disappearing. I know my friend is an empath and has the ability to help people release their emotions – but I feel as if she is fixing me, taking away the very emotions that are my teachers. I need to learn from these emotions before I can allow them to be released or taken from me. 

“Please don’t do that.” I again request lovingly, explaining what had just happened with my emotions. “You are very powerful, but I need to process through these issues.” 

Keith spends a few minutes coaching my friend on the difference between holding a loving energetic space where you support someone’s empowered emotional processing versus a fixing energy where you try to release them from hurting by taking away their pain. 

“Brenda knows exactly what she needs.” Keith reassures my friend. 

I now feel completely numb, emotionless, energy-less, motivation-less, helpless, and hopeless. 

As Keith proceeds to work with yet-another woman, he glances over at me. 

“Brenda, how are you doing?” He again asks with a loving tone. 

“I’m still deeply stuck and need your help.” I respond lifelessly. 

“What you need is to love yourself.” Keith responds casually before returning to work with the other woman. 

Final Act: Complete Rejection 

Most people in the group begin to leave around 4:30 p.m., eventually leaving only me and one first-time-at-ceremony woman on the porch. 

“Great,” I tell myself. “I will finally have some time to talk to Keith.” 

To my dismay and frustration, Keith proceeds to spend the next hour and a half running through what I perceive as one useless meditation after another with this woman – a woman who I meanly judge as not really needing any help at all. 

Finally, at around 6:00 p.m., Isaias arrives via tuk-tuk from nearby San Pedro, bringing with him over one hundred pounds of freshly ground cacao. 

“OK, it is now time to switch from group mode into chocolate-bagging mode.” Keith suddenly interrupts what he is doing, completely turning his back on me. 

Feeling deeply hurt and ignored, I sit up, slip on my flip-flops, and wait for an opportunity to chat briefly with Keith. Tears of deep emotion flow down my cheeks as I patiently wait until Keith turns momentarily to look at me. 

“Keith,” I plead sadly. “Are you really not going to help me with these issues?” 

“I can check again.” Keith replies while he momentarily closes his eyes to check his own guidance. I interpret his vocal tone as being quite impatient and annoyed with me. 

“No Brenda.” Keith continues. “I’m still getting the same answer … that you just need to love yourself for where you are at. There is nothing more I can say or do.” 

I give it thirty seconds while I sit miserably on my pillow in a state of complete shock. Isaias sees my tear-filled face and bends over to give me a hug. 

“I won’t be helping you bag chocolate this evening.” I mumble through muffled and restrained whimpers. 

A few seconds later, I slowly stand up, turn away from the porch, walk down a small flight of rock steps, and leave without saying one more word – not a single goodbye. 

Epilog: On My Own Now 

As I arrive at home, I close my door, curl up on my bed, and begin to sulk and cry.  

“I think I might just name my next blog entry ‘F@#K You, Keith’,” I mumble angrily to myself as deep resentment and self-pity rumble and boil in my heart. Feelings of abandonment and rejection overwhelmingly consume me. 

I pound my fist on a pillow for a few minutes, releasing small bursts of anger and tears. 

Even though I recognize that I am deeply immersed in my God/separation drama, I am blind and clueless as to how to get out of the deep emotional prison that I seem to have constructed for myself. 

“My spiritual teacher is abandoning me, just as many other teachers have done over the years.” I whine to myself. 

I am in so much emotional anguish, heartache, and pain. Part of me demands that I pack up all of my belongings and leave San Marcos immediately, the sooner the better. 

“I am tired of all of this.” This rejected part of me dramatically screams in pure silence. “I am angry and hurt. How dare Keith treat me that way after all the work I have done on his porch!” 

“I don’t know if I can ever go back to his ceremonies again.” I continue crying to myself. “If I do, he will just reject me again and refuse to help me. I guess I am on my own now.” 

Spread Your Wings 

As I wallow in ruthless pain and misery, my memories drift back to an experience of about ten years ago – a deeply painful experience in which a beloved church leader had deeply rejected me. 

After spending nearly four and a half years of my life attempting to get re-baptized in the Mormon faith, the bishop of our local congregation had called me into his office one day and handed me a letter. In the letter, he spelled out devastating news – telling me in no uncertain terms that what I sought after would not be possible under his leadership – applying severe restrictions to my continued participation in the local church activities. 

I was devastated, so devastated that it took me several years to work through the overwhelming feelings of relentless victimization and abandonment. 

Finally, one day in late 2003, after an amazing healing workshop, I suddenly found the buried treasure. I envisioned myself as a little baby bird, perched atop a thin and tiny branch among the highest reaches a very tall redwood tree. 

“What that bishop did for me was to push me off the branch,” I pondered to myself, “forcing me to spread my own wings or die, forcing me to learn to fly on my own profoundly-inspired spiritual path.” 

“Had that Bishop not done that to me,” I realized with deep gratitude, “I most certainly would have never found the courage to seek out and follow the beautiful spiritual journey on which I now find myself … and I am eternally grateful for having found such an amazing and personal connection to divine guidance.” 

“Is Keith merely pushing me off the branch of a tall tree?” I ponder briefly. “Perhaps it really is time for me to learn how to spread my own wings, yet again.” 

Creating My Reality 

As I further wallow in painful misery, I reminisce about several bizarre events on the porch as of late – events that taught me in very unique ways that everything that happens on Keith’s porch is indeed my own personal creation of reality. 

Yes, everything that occurs on that porch, be it specific people, interruptions, pointless conversation, emotional triggers, or whatever – everything that takes place on that porch seems to bring me profound healing and growth, exactly as if it were created and designed to perfectly meet my specific needs of the moment. 

I begin to recognize Keith’s treatment of me today as also being my creation – being an elaborate stage play designed to kick me in the gut for yet-another powerful lesson of growth. Yes, his behavior enabled me to sink deeply into the emotions of separation and rejection by God – of seeming separation and rejection by every recent teacher who ever professed to help me. 

As I begin to recognize myself as being fully consumed in my God drama, I am acutely aware that I will definitely not be able to sleep tonight if I don’t somehow get a little emotional closure with Keith – and I want it now. 

Deep Painful Memories 

At 8:30 p.m., I quietly enter Keith’s porch. Isaias and his young wife both send me huge smiles as I begin to speak. 

“I’m not here to help you bag chocolate.” I speak lovingly as I slip onto some cushions over in the corner, quickly hiding behind a table and some boxes. 

“How are you doing young lady?” Keith joyfully calls out to me from across the porch. 

“I would like to spend ten minutes with you after you are all done here.” I reply quietly. 

“We can do that.” Keith lovingly responds before returning to work on the chocolate bagging. 

For the next hour I hide in the corner, feeling so deeply emotional that small rivers of tears frequently stream down my cheeks. My heart pulses painfully as heartache grips my soul. I am an emotional zombie as I numbly listen to the music, the giggling, and the playful talking of my dear friends across the porch. 

“This is exactly how I felt being totally invisible during much of my life.” I ponder to myself with deep pain-filled recognition. “While everyone’s happy life went on all around me, I just pretended to fit in, all the while invisibly crying.” 

Sadness grips my heart. 

On The Edge 

Finally, at 9:45 p.m., Keith wanders over to my hideout and whispers “Let’s go.” 

Seconds later we are down in the garden. I sit on a large rock while Keith stands nearby.  

“Brenda,” Keith reassures me, “I was giving you attention all afternoon. I constantly monitored where you were at. Every time that I checked in for guidance, I was told that you were exactly where you needed to be, that what you needed to do is to love yourself, and that there was nothing else for me to do or say.” 

Prior to this moment, I had no idea that Keith had even given me the time of day. It does help slightly to know that he really was watching me, but my emotions of rejection right now are so intensely powerful that seeing clearly continues to remain nearly impossible. 

During the next hour, I seem to get progressively more confused. Being lost in that confusion, it appears to me as if Keith is talking in circles, not making any sense at all, using nonsensical metaphors that simply do not register with my rational mind. It will yet be several more weeks before I begin to understand this strange confusion. 

“You are in spiritual crisis.” Keith warns me. “You are on the edge, about to go down with the ship.” 

He has my attention. 

“You should consider congratulating yourself for being where you are right now.” Keith continues. “It is a very powerful place to be – but the part of you that is a sinking ship is in total crisis right now, desperately trying to pull you down with it – desperately pulling every trick in the book to get you to dive into negative ego, to project blame onto teachers and the like …” 

Then Keith lovingly explains how his guides told him during his own training that he would have to watch many of his dearest friends crash and burn in their own spiritual journeys, never to recover, getting so caught up in their egos and God dramas that they would not make it through their training. 

“You are deeply immersed in your God drama.” Keith emphasizes. “You believe that if you give up being pathetic and helpless, then you will lose all hope of getting the help from God that you need.” 

“Huh?” I think to myself, feeling even more confused. 

It takes quite a while before I realize that Keith is explaining that my hidden belief systems and ego patterns are running the show, telling me that the only way God will pay any attention to me is if I am all messed up and needing help … that if I move into a fully empowered state then God will no longer help me and I will be abandoned, out on my own. 

Know Thyself 

“But all I wanted to do today was to process my feelings of burnout, stuck-ness, and fear about ripping the rules out of the book.” I try to explain to Keith. 

“This not something you can process.” Keith firmly responds. “You are struggling with your God/separation drama. What you need to do is to know thyself – to be aware of what you are doing – to be aware of your crisis mode – to be aware of that part of you that is trying to get your attention, trying to pull you down – that part of you that is mostly in control right now.” 

“Send a little love to the part of you that is sinking,” Keith continues. “Don’t reject it. Instead, watch it and learn about its antics and fears and feelings.” 

“And you need to observe your patterns of behavior, your beliefs, and your projections.” Keith continues to guide me. “This is how you will get through this process – by learning about the patterns you run, and about how you respond to them.” 

Keith’s words are not resonating with me, yet I desperately try to understand and believe what he is trying to communicate. Confusion and chaotic energies still overwhelm my ability to think. Something in my brain is so powerfully resisting that I cannot remember hardly anything that Keith says. It is as if my brain is in auto-erase mode, refusing to allow me to absorb anything I hear. 

In my present state of brain shutdown, any attempt at clarification simply causes me more confusion. My perception tells me that Keith is turning all of my words around, not listening to what I am trying to say, and is instead deeply overreacting to the seriousness of my crisis. 

Yet I trust Keith implicitly, and right now my own mind is so frazzled that I cannot trust myself at all. I cannot think clearly. I want to run away and scream. 

“Keith,” I beg, “once I make it through this process, as soon as I return to clarity in my mind, will you please tell me all of this all over again? You have told me so many things tonight, many of them time and time again – yet even now I can hardly remember anything that you have said.” 

“Of course I will.” Keith lovingly responds. 

The Script-Writer 

Deep down, a powerful part of me continues to feel angry and totally justified in projecting onto Keith – yet another part again points out the powerful paradox. 

I have indeed manifested a real-life learning scenario in which my teacher seems to have proven to me that I will no longer be helped at a certain point in my path. This seems to be a frequently repeating pattern that I run – one that I even ran during my Sun Course and the subsequent two-month holistic healing course. 

To my emotional ego-self – the part that remains firmly rooted in the driver seat – this seems to be an absolute fact. This panic-stricken part of me would still find it extremely satisfying to immediately cease my daily visits to Keith’s porch, to pack my bags, and to leave San Marcos – the sooner the better. 

But as my detached observer self – a weak but awakening part of my awareness – I clearly recognize the self-sabotaging pattern. Today’s unrehearsed stage play has brilliantly pointed out this pattern of self-created failure – a pattern that I am increasingly growing tired of running. 

Yes, at some not-yet-understood level of my being, I have to admit that I am the one who created the script – this real-life re-enactment of my God Drama. 

But even with a basic awareness of this fact, I continue to feel utterly powerless in releasing myself from the treacherous hold that the emotions of rejection continue to maintain over my soul. 

I am exhausted … I want to cry … I want to project … I want to run. 

But I also know in my heart that I will stay. 

I am very proud of myself. I know Keith is right when he says that I am at a beautiful stage of growth. I recognize this as a powerful opportunity to embrace my light and let go of excuses – excuses that are screaming for attention all around me. 

Endings and Beginnings 

The night is late, and the more Keith and I talk in circles, the less I seem to understand or remember. I simply cannot comprehend how my brain can be so utterly useless in the middle of such a major emotional crisis. 

At 10:45 p.m., Keith offers to walk me home. I barely speak during our ten minute stroll through the darkness of San Marcos. 

As I stand numbly on my doorstep, I feel as I have been swimming in a thick muddy pool of chaos and confusion. In fact, even though I now feel relaxed and peaceful, my mind continues to do exhausting laps in that lost and hopeless pool. 

“Thank you Keith,” I speak from sheer exhaustion. “Thank you for being so patient with me in my confused state tonight. Thank you for trying to help me understand what I am doing.” 

“I honor what you are doing.” Keith responds, simultaneously bowing to emphasize his point. “I will see you on Wednesday.” 

As I look briefly into Keith’s eyes, his whole face appears to be glowing with unconditional love and support. His eyes literally glow. 

In spite of the anger and confusion, something tells me that come Wednesday I will definitely be back on Keith’s porch. 

“But how will I make it through Tuesday all by myself?” I ponder with an overwhelming feeling of doubt.  

The idea of a day alone, wallowing in my own stuff, is not at the top of my wish list. 

Good Intentions – Miserable Day 

After what turns out to be a surprisingly restful sleep, I arise on Tuesday morning with the best of intentions. I will hike up on the nearby hill and do what has always brought me back to a state of divine connection. I will meditate and commune with nature, I will sing inspiring songs, I will repeat my mission statement, and I will simply melt into the beauty around me. 

At 7:45 a.m. I arrive at the top of the hill. The benches on which I had planned to sit are occupied. Nearby, a group of nearly twenty people are gathered on a rocky mound, some singing songs or playing guitar, others noisily chatting and playing – all of them deeply annoying me. 

I follow a treacherous loose-mulch covered trail down to the edge of a cliff, away from the distracting noise, clinging to the trunk and branches of a small tree – the tree being the only thing preventing me from falling to the sharp rocks below. 

As a wave of dizziness nearly consumes me, I ponder to myself “Perhaps I am not sitting in the best of places.” 

Soon, after carefully retracing my steps to more firm soil, I take a trail down to the surface of the lake. Still I cannot find the isolation I crave. It seems as if the Universe is taunting me, refusing to give me what I think I need. 

For hours I sit in my disconnected and unstable state. When I attempt to sing, the lyrics and tunes fall flat and emotionless. When I try to inspire myself by repeating the beautiful words of my mission statement, I instead feel like a blatant hypocrite. My beloved mission statement feels dead. I am in a deep and major funk. 

After three hours of frustration, I return home, isolating myself in my bedroom, listening to Richard Thomas recite beautiful quotes from A course In Miracles (on my IPOD). This temporarily helps, but soon I am back in the tearful sobs, reliving the painful rejection of my bishop some ten years ago – pondering about forgiveness, projection, anger, judgment, and the concept of creation versus victimization. 

At the rational mind level, I know all the right answers – the intellectual reasons why I should feel happy right now – but try as I might, I continue to wallow in the deep emotional pain of feeling rejected by, and angry towards Keith. 

I listen to more Richard Thomas. He no longer helps. I watch a movie to distract myself. The movie only brings on depression. I head out to a restaurant for burgers and fries, enjoying an unplanned encounter and discussion with my new friend Lisa. The couple of hours we spend in enlightened conversation seem to lift my spirits – but still the underlying emotions persist in their powerful hypnotic effects. 

Yes, Tuesday turns into a bust. No matter what I try, I can only reach an intellectual understanding of my state. The painful emotions continue to sustain a relentless hold on my heart. 

An Act of Trust 

Wednesday morning is no better. Yes, I had great dreams during the night and start out with a wonderful feeling of emotional stability – yet something inside is still yanking me downward. 

By 9:30 a.m. I am again swirling around in the toilet of despair. I put on another movie, desperately seeking some type of emotional distraction. As the movie ends at noon, I feel no better, continuing to struggle so deeply that I am not sure I am capable of going to the chocolate ceremony that starts in just a few minutes. 

I know I will burst into tears at the first emotional trigger – and I am desperately fearful of showing up on the porch, making a complete and utter emotional fool of myself, and then still not receiving the help that I need. 

I want to believe that Keith will help me, but a part of me whispers tauntingly, “Brenda, Keith will never help you again … he already told you that … what you need to do now is to simply love yourself.” 

In an act of pure will and complete trust, I gather my bag, shawl, and water bottle, and begin slowly walking to the eastern edge of San Marcos. I don’t know what else to do. 

Opening My Heart 

“How are you doing?” Keith queries as I briefly greet him in his kitchen before the start of ceremony. 

“Semi-stable, but very emotional,” I reply. “I am extremely tentative about whether or not I am even capable of being here.” 

As I take my seat on the porch, I try to be outgoing and friendly to the newcomers, learning names, making small talk and the like … but as soon as group starts I dive right into my process, deeply terrified about where it might take me. 

As Keith begins explaining to the group that he runs a school for healers and light workers, I am sitting on a large pillow by his kitchen door, my head bent forward with tears already trickling uncontrollably down my saturated cheeks. 

“One of my students,” Keith continues to explain about his school, “is going through such a deep process right now that she is not even sure if she wants to be here or to ever come back. She is in the middle of very powerful work … very deep emotional work.” 

My tears begin to unravel into sobs as I listen while Keith continues to talk lovingly about my ongoing plight. All of the newcomers on the porch have obviously figured out by now that that I am the struggling soul about whom Keith is referring. 

Keith’s loving words deeply warm my heart. His profound acknowledgment of understanding exactly where I am at – his tender and gentle manner in explaining my process to others – gives me all of the courage I need to begin opening my shut-down heart even further, tenderly opening me up to the next step of my healing. 

Stop Trying 

As Keith begins to work with others on an individual basis, he soon comes over to work with me. 

“I’m trying to do what you told me.” I whimper to Keith. “I’m trying to bring in more self love.” 

“Stop trying.” Keith responds surprisingly. “Instead, just allow yourself to feel what you are feeling.” 

“How long do I have to just feel it?” I respond with confused exhaustion. “I have been deeply unstable for two days. I can’t handle this. I want to love myself, but there is so much bottled up emotion inside that I am unable to access the love. I need to rid myself of the emotion first in order to make space for the love.” 

Ooohhhmmming for Anger 

As Keith begins to do some empath training with others, I immerse myself deeper into my process of “Know Thyself.” 

A deep internal feeling tells me that I need to access my anger – my anger at what I am feeling – my anger at my dysfunction – my anger at all of the negative ego crap that is still pulling me into wanting to be a victim. 

Soon, remembering several experiences earlier this year where vocal toning assisted me in finding my power, I begin to quietly make a faint “Ohm” sound, trying not to bother others around me, while desperately wanting to access the needed internal power to push me out of the rut in which I now find myself. 

God Drama Explained 

Soon Keith pulls group attention onto what I am doing. He shares a few personal details with the group about his own journey with the God/Diety/Separation drama. I again find great satisfaction and relief in understanding that even my teacher had to pass through similar periods of anger at God and teachers, feeling rejected and separate, helpless, hopeless, and futile. 

“You feel like if you give up your pathetic behavior,” Keith explains to the group, “that you will never get God’s help – that the only way to get help and attention is if you are so pathetic and dysfunctional that God will have to listen and help.” 

I easily recognize myself in this statement. Though my pathetic victimized behavior is not consciously invoked, it is definitely a programmed behavioral/belief-system loop in which I find myself – something that negative ego is desperately trying to get me to play out so that I will not move further in my path toward awakening and oneness. 

Keith spends considerable time explaining how most everyone has their separation dramas that they play out with God – their individual ways of scamming themselves so that they can project blame outward. Our divine source – God/ Goddess/ All That Is/ Guides/ Angels/ Divine Being/ Light/ or whatever else you might call it – has always been patiently waiting for us to wake up. 

It is not our Source that refuses to help us; it is us that project blame outward, refusing to drop the lies of our own internal programming and belief systems. The truth simply is, and that truth is waiting for us – but to recognize it we have to first drop those lies. 

Please, No Fixing 

While “ooohhhmmming” lightly, the stored anger begins to surface. When it finally bursts forth, I release the anger in deep waves of painful, tear-drenched sobs. At one point of the intense physically-exhausting process, I reach a familiar state of deep nausea – feeling a strong need to vomit out the remaining emotional densities that haunt me inside. 

As I begin to bring in the light, I gradually experience a lightening in my heart and solar plexus, feeling stronger and more energized – yet I am still very weak and tentative. Another deep level of emotional release soon surfaces. A nearly-continuous flow of extensive tears and muffled sobs results in a huge pile of discarded tissue on the ground beside me. 

Right at the depth of one painful outburst, a man in the group comes over to comfort and fix me. I can only assume that he feels a deep desire to help the poor woman in distress. As I feel his hands touching mine, I open my eyes and look into his. 

“No … please no … please don’t do that.” I reject him. 

I don’t have the strength to explain why – but I know that this well-intentioned gesture will only distract me from the powerful emotional release that I am desperate to complete. 

Keith rushes to my aid and lovingly explains to the man about the misguided energy of fixing, and how it is actually disempowering to someone like me who is deeply engaged in a powerful process of needed emotional release. 

“I don’t need sympathy and someone to soothe my pain.” I speak up after Keith finishes his kind words. “I am deeply in my power and want to release these emotions. I don’t want to merely calm and stuff them back down.” 

Empath Assistance 

As my deep emotional release finally comes to completion, Keith returns to complete the empath training that he had begun earlier, using me as a perfect subject to help others in the group who are learning to understand their energetic abilities. I have released enough emotion on my own, having learned and felt enough that I will now allow others to help me. 

Placing me in the middle of the room, Keith guides several beautiful people in helping them to help me in releasing the remainder of the emotional densities that I am ready to release from my field. As the process unfolds, I feel a deep sense of emotional relief. My head and heart chakra seem to open up and to vibrate much more clearly. 

“Many of the emotions that you felt as you were helping Brenda were not even from this lifetime.” Keith takes an opportunity to teach the others. 

Keith’s comment both surprises and comforts me as I recognize that I am digging deeper than I realized. 

After a short break, Keith feels guided to have people further assist me with a second intense wave of energy release. During the process, the vast majority of pain remaining in my solar plexus seems to simply melt and disappear. I am deeply grateful for the peace-bringing assistance. 

My Private Hell 

Then Keith guides the group in another exercise that he occasionally uses as a teaching aide. Entering into meditation, I find myself in what I could only describe as my own private hell. I feel myself in a dark and cold cavern. Bones litter the floor, there is absolutely no light, and there is no way in or out. I am trapped in a place of futility and hopelessness. 

“I want everyone to walk with me into Brenda’s private hell.” Keith guides the rest of the group. “Since you are walking in, you will all know the way out. This is Brenda’s hell, not your own. She is stuck there, but you will easily be able to leave.” 

Keith continues to explain to the group that they are not here in my private hell to grab hold of me in order to drag me out. They are simply here to place their hands on my shoulder, to make their loving presence known, to let me know that there is indeed a way out, and to ask me if I would like to follow them. 

As Keith guides the group into my hell hole, I imagine a hidden staircase unexpectedly opening up from above. When it is time in the meditation for me to walk out with the group, I imagine myself walking slowly up the stairs behind them. 

Often, in this type of meditation I have heard Keith tell the group that only once in all of his years has someone not walked back out with the group. 

“Can you feel her coming with us?” Keith asks those in the group who are empaths-in-training. 

With my eyes remaining closed, I am quite surprised as I hear the feedback. Everyone unanimously agrees that I am NOT following them. 

“But I am walking, desperately trying to climb out with you.” I tell Keith with confusion. 

“A small part of you is remaining behind, not coming with the group.” Keith replies in a concerned tone. “Go back down the stairs and find that piece. Do whatever you have to do to yank it free and to bring it with you. Do not let it stay there.” 

As I go back into the dark cavern, I discover a frightened and scared puppy. The little guy is refusing to follow me – terrified of what might be up those stairs. I grab the shaking little puppy in my arms, squeeze it tightly and, ignoring its protesting squirms, I return to climb the staircase. 

“Is she coming with us now?” Keith again asks the empaths in the group. 

I am thrilled to hear that they all now agree that I have followed them out of my private hell. 

Filling With Light 

As I visualize myself stepping off the top step of the hidden staircase, I feel a sensation of light, both inside and out – light that comforts and reassures me. 

Embracing that warm sensation, I again meditate on bringing in more light and more love to fill the space that was previously occupied by the now-released emotional densities. Gradually, a feeling of physical strength returns to my body. As the process comes to a completion, I recognize that the energy and power in my heart seems to be stronger than I have ever before felt.  

“I am free.” I rejoice with love. 

My heart is on fire with loving power. For the remainder of the ceremony, I simply glow and share that light with others. I have no illusions about being done with my journey, but I do recognize that I have completed a very powerful step. 

Looking Back 

As I look back and integrate the profound growth experiences of this painfully difficult process – a three-day process that began exactly seven weeks ago today – I do so from a vantage point of bright clarity. 

On that excruciatingly difficult Monday of March 21, I can now easily discern how Keith did nothing but shine love and light to me throughout the entire day. As I began that day in a state of separation and exhaustion, I was already deeply immersed in an inspired journey into negative ego – a journey that I believe was personally architected and manifest by my own higher consciousness. 

As the day unfolded, I was blind to the love flowing all around me. Instead, all I could see were the emotions of separation and abandonment that were surfacing. That ego-part of me absolutely knew that attempting to deal with these emotions on my own was hopeless and futile, doing everything possible to distract, confuse, and convince me of my smallness and separation from Source. As he always does so eloquently, Keith simply played along, following my energy, giving me exactly the inspired help that I needed to go into and through this learning process. 

Keith is correct when he reminds me that I was literally on the edge of quitting, on the brink of succumbing to the ranting and raving of that negative-ego part of me and of going down with the ship. I was projecting so much blame outward that I was blind to the love and guidance all around me. 

But I am still here. Yes, a huge ship did sink in the middle of March, but I am happy and giggling to report that I was not a passenger. 

My journey toward awakening continues. Occasionally I still find myself slipping into patterns of confusion, chaos, self-doubt, futility, and hopelessness – but I am happy to report that these loops shorten in duration each and every time, while the light and awareness in my soul continues to expand. 

I cannot wait to continue sharing this amazing journey as I now begin the passionate task of attempting to rapidly catch up in my writing. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Waiting for a private session with Keith feels as if I am a child excitedly waiting for her first trip to Disneyland. As strange as it may seem, I am eager and anxious to dig into some of the most painful memories and emotions of my life. Well, it may be a bit more accurate to say that I am eager and anxious to begin healing those buried emotions and memories. 

At 7:00 a.m. on Thursday morning I decide to give myself a head start by consuming a full 1.5 ounce ceremonial dose of pure ground cacao with my breakfast oatmeal. The chocolate spirit does not delay long in leading me precisely where I need to go. 

An Abundance of Self Hatred 

By 7:45 a.m. I find myself in my bedroom, bawling my eyes out on my pillow while I deeply re-experience glimpses of the intense self-hatred that began to build momentum at around eleven years of age. That enormous load of putrid self-directed anger, shame and disgust continued to grow in intensity throughout my teens and twenties. 

Most of that self-deprecation was aimed directly at my inability so suppress and bury that horrid curse of phallic energy, combined with the sexual and moral guilt of being such a pervert for wishing I could be a girl – for carrying such a terrible evil fantasy around inside of me. The indescribable power of my gender confusion was relentless and overwhelming. 

Failure stared at me around every corner – failure to control my frightening gender wars – failure to reign in the evil sexual energy of that phallic anvil – and failure to fully honor the moral laws of deeply held religious beliefs. 

I found myself lying to church leaders, lying to my parents, and lying to myself – a great combination for being a shameless hypocrite. 

Yet through it all, I struggled to be genuinely righteous, to live God’s laws as I knew them, to repent of the evil inside me, to shake myself free of the gender curse that seemed to be shackled to my very soul. 

Throughout those difficult and confusing years, I lived two separate lives. 

On the surface, I was a genuine, happy, and productive young man. I was an honor-roll student, an Eagle Scout, sang in the choir, worked hard, and appeared to be quite normal in many ways. 

But beneath that outer mask, deep in the core of my heart, I felt as if I were an utter loser, a fraud, a fake, an embarrassment to family and religion. There was no laughter in my soul, and the smile on my face was only a genuine attempt to hide the hidden shame. The evil and misunderstood energies in my heart seemed to be tossing me against sharp rocks during a wild and turbulent ocean storm. 

Saying that my youth and early adult years were plagued with self-hatred would be a complete understatement.  

Piles of Tissue 

As I painfully re-experience the deep emotions of my youth, I recall countless memories of deep and angry attempts at shutting down and suppressing my sexual energies. But it was not just the sexual energies that I targeted – it was also the creative energies. I was terrified that any creative expression would further expose my feminine side – something I desperately attempted to mask and bury from all inquiring eyes. 

As guilty as I felt about the gender explorations, part of me actually craved and relished the beautiful emotions and energies that always accompanied such feminine excursions. It was that dastardly phallic anvil that invariably ruined everything. I hated that ugly male appendage with deep passionate anger. If only it would simply go away and leave me alone – permanently. 

For forty-five minutes I lay on my bed, throwing piles of used tissues on the floor while releasing layer after lay of gut-wrenching sobs. In the midst of violent teeth chattering, coughing, gasping for breath, and rapid breathing, I am determined to feel and release as much of the bottled-up pain from my youth as humanly possible. 

Finally I force myself to gather in the sobs, and to temporarily take a breather in the wild ride of my emotional release. It is time to take a ten-minute walk toward the eastern edge of San Marcos. 

At the Bottom 

As I finish explaining my morning process to Keith, he instructs me to connect with one of my guides. I feel three of them surrounding me with loving support as Keith scurries into his house to retrieve a much needed commodity – more toilet paper. It seems that I am not yet done crying. 

In the meantime, I begin to violently hit and punch a pile of three foam cushions that I hold in my lap. Doing so enables me to access more of the buried anger, unleashing a flash flood of tears that rages on for another half hour. 

“I feel as if I need to vomit.” I finally exclaim as weakness begins to consume my stomach. 

“Now is the time to bring in the light.” Keith responds unexpectedly. “The need to vomit is a signal that you have reached a new emotional layer, and you are getting the metaphor to ‘throw it up’. It is time to bring in some higher assistance.” 

Frightened, Suspicious Dogs 

As I begin to bring in the light, the first image that pops into my mind is that of a frightened puppy, a terrified little doggie being lovingly held in the arms of my dear inner-child Sharon. The scared little guy is shaking as Sharon patiently smothers him with love. 

Almost immediately, however, the internal metaphor expands. Suddenly I visualize the puppy as being an abused San Marcos street-dog – a skittish and frightened dog, starved and deprived of loving attention, nervous of everyone and everything moving around him. 

Just as quickly, the metaphor shifts to be a wild and protective junkyard dog, similar to a few that had chased me on my bicycle while I rode around the backcountry of Cozumel. Seconds later this lone dog begins to expand into an entire junkyard filled with skittish, skinny, frightened and extremely suspicious dogs. In fact, I intuitively realize that there is one dog for each organ in my abdomen – one for the bladder, the gall bladder, the liver, the stomach, the spleen, etc… 

As I one-by-one take mental inventory of each additional organ, I visualize yet another nervous and frightened dog living inside of me. A whole herd of shaking and jumpy dogs is metaphorically residing inside of my abdomen, and I am beginning to feel the unruly commotion in a very uncomfortable physical way. 

Belly Button Bottle 

As I further ponder this amazing subconscious metaphor, I feel my heart energy sending tiny connecting threads to my belly button. Soon, the inside of my belly button transforms metaphorically into the nipple of a baby bottle, providing loving nourishment to any starving dog in my abdomen that wishes to participate. My little child, Sharon, is sitting next to the nipple, lovingly allowing the dogs to drink from the love of my heart. 

Gradually I feed more and more dogs. The flow of love seems to increase as I feel the level of trust begin to expand. These love-starved dogs are desperate for nourishment, but still quite tentative in their ability to extend trust. That loving trust must be slowly earned. 

After what feels like a very long time, I sense that all of the dogs are tentatively taking their turns in receiving nourishment – but they are still extremely cautious and non-forgiving, as abused adult dogs often are. 

I am not at all sure how to proceed. 

Darling Dalmatians 

“Why don’t you turn them all back into puppies?” Keith asks unexpectedly. 

After getting over my initial doubts, I decide to use my imagination to follow Keith’s suggestion. After all, puppies are much more forgiving and quick to develop trust than are hardened and abused junkyard dogs. 

Soon, my abdomen is bouncing around with a huge kennel of darling Dalmatian puppies, playfully jumping and tumbling around as they enjoy the loving nourishment being provided through my belly button. Sharon is right in the middle, giggling and rolling around with them as they lick her face. 

As I put the puppy metaphor on autopilot, I enjoy a few minutes of simply observing the fun while engaging in a brief conversation with Keith. It seems that our private session has already reached the three-hour mark and the 12:30 afternoon ceremony is rapidly approaching. 

Niagara Falls 

Unexpectedly, the afternoon session is extremely small – just me and one other woman. The ceremony evolves into a beautiful exploration of silent meditation. 

“Where are you at Brenda?” Keith briefly checks in at the start of our meditation. 

“I’m trying to bring in more energy,” I reply curiously, “but it is a very slow process, and I feel somewhat stuck.” 

“Ask your Higher Self to help you open up the channel a little.” Keith gives me an obvious answer. 

This is the last answer I would have thought of, being someone who always tries to do things by myself. 

After checking in with Higher Self and asking for assistance, I imagine myself in a beautiful pool with my kennel of playful puppies. They all want to swim and play in the water – but the water is not currently deep enough. 

Looking around in my meditation world, I find a large faucet and turn it on, beginning to add water to the pool. But the water level in the pool does not rise. I imagine the flow turning up a notch, soon turning into a small waterfall – but still the pool does not fill. I increase the size of the waterfall, making it larger and more powerful – but still the pool does not get deeper. I again increase the flow, but again no luck. 

Finally I decide to envision all of Niagara Falls pouring into my little pool – but still the water level in the pool does not rise. 

Flowing Energy 

“Hmm,” I think to myself. “Perhaps my metaphor is not about filling a pool after all. Maybe it is about flowing the energy of water rather than storing that energy.” 

I soon forget all about my puppies and shift gears into a whole new world of metaphors. 

Just for a brief moment, I notice a fly on my arm, tickling my skin as it crawls along. 

“I need to be more sensitive to the tickles in my skin.” I immediately realize. I need to begin to sense this powerful energy flowing in my hands. 

Soon, I imagine and feel myself standing inside of a tunnel underneath the raging flow of Niagara Falls. This is an actual place that I once visited with my family. The energetic power of that rushing water is overwhelming, awe inspiring, rumbling and shaking my bodily energy to the core. 

As I imagine this amazing memory of the incredible power of Niagara Falls, I begin to feel the energy currents flowing gently through my head, down my neck, into my heart, out my shoulders, down my arms, and onward through the tips of my fingers. While placing my fingertips gently on the ground, I suddenly realize that the energy is not flowing below my heart. It has stopped at the exact top of my Solar Plexus. 

A Huge Rock Wall 

The metaphor immediately takes another sudden twist. I imagine my tummy as a huge rock wall at the base of Niagara Falls. I continually take my memory back to the energizing power inside the tunnel behind the falls. Simultaneously I begin to envision the rock wall being gradually eroded by the thundering power of the energy flowing down from above. 

For much of the next hour, I progressively feel the physical sensation of energy inching its way slowly down my abdominal wall, chewing delicately away at the hard layers of emotional densities, finally reaching the bottom of my abdominal cavity before flowing down my legs. 

As the energies finally begin to flow freely, I find the sensations to be quite pleasurable. 

Basking In The Flow 

For what must be at least two more hours, I bask in this amazing flow of powerful energy, occasionally carrying on a brief conversation with Keith, but usually simply enjoying this wonderful silent journey. 

Every once in a while I feel a slight pain in my abdomen. As I focus on the pain, watching the energy pour over it, the pain gradually erodes and washes away to nothingness. But for the most part, the energy is powerful, soothing, cleansing, and energizing. 

Excitement fills my heart as I begin to realize that there really are fun and exciting ways to work with energy – that deep tears are not the only way to cleanse buried emotion. 

Crystal Clarity 

Friday, March, 18, turns out to be a very relaxing, energy filled day.  

At the start of the afternoon chocolate ceremony, I take note that an area of my forehead, right behind my third-eye chakra, continues to let me know that all is not well in my sixth chakra. But my third-eye chakra seems to be a very long-term project – one that does not call for my attention today. I trust that its magical grand opening will happen in due time. 

Today, I feel guided to work further on a few new emotional densities that are manifesting themselves in my abdomen. 

Keith has a new crystal in his collection – a beautiful quartz globe. This amazing crystal is calling me. I keep it very close and safe. 

As I sit with this dazzling quartz globe, I begin to feel energy flowing into my lower chakras – energy that gradually dissolves the painful densities that occasionally manifest themselves in my abdomen. Throughout the quiet relaxed ceremony, I mostly sit with my new favorite crystal, allowing it to feed me with energy on a nearly continual basis. 

Gratitude fills my heart for the loving energy that flows with abundance. 

Reunion Anticipation 

After a relaxed and peaceful Saturday of writing, I do something I have not done in a couple of months. I feel a strong call to attend a full-moon graduation ceremony at the Pyramids. Not only is my friend Jody finishing up her amazing Sun Course, but my friend-to-be Lisa is also graduating from her Moon Course. 

As you may recall, several weeks ago, a mysterious woman named Lisa appeared for a couple of ceremonies on Keith’s porch. After her first ceremony, as she left early to go to meditation at the Pyramids, she pulled me aside and told me “Brenda, I have been reading your blog for most of the last year. I am here in San Marcos because of you.” 

I am extremely eager for an opportunity to further connect with Lisa. I want to know more about her, and how she stumbled across my writings. Tonight, as silence is broken in a powerful ceremony at the beautiful Pyramid temple, the ideal opportunity presents itself. 

Finding Lisa 

As people engage in post-graduation visiting, I begin my search around the pyramid temple. When I finally spy Lisa, I note that she is sitting on her meditation stool, lightly crying with her eyes closed. 

Quietly I sneak up and sit cross-legged on the floor in front of her, gently placing my energized hands on her knees. A few minutes later she opens her eyes and smiles with surprise. 

“Two times I have cried here in San Marcos,” Lisa begins with a grin, “and both times you have been there supporting me.” 

Seconds later we are embracing with a huge hug, followed by a delightful introductory conversation. I learn only a few details regarding how she stumbled across my blog, and about her life and family. I am eager to continue our conversation over dinner tomorrow, but for now, Lisa is starved (as I remember being after my own Moon Course) and has plans to meet with friends. 

Glowing With Love 

Sunday afternoon, as the chocolate ceremony moves into full swing, my all-too-familiar lower chakra densities also return – but only in a mild way. 

“I feel no metaphors unfolding, no need to process any of my own emotions today.” I tell Keith when he checks in with me. 

“What does that tell you?” Keith inquires. 

“That I want to practice my magic today.” I reply eagerly. 

“Do you have someone in mind?” Keith quickly rebounds. 

“Yes, I feel drawn to go work with Jane over there.” I bounce back. 

“That is who I was thinking of too.” Keith responds, turning me loose to practice my magic. 

After sharing a great deal of light energy with Jane, I slowly work my way around the porch, following my intuitions to wherever I feel guided. I love such magical days when my heart just glows and overflows with love. 

Throughout the process, I envision myself as a child, with the people I am working on also being children. I imagine each of them sitting in the various Disneyland-type rides of my magical theme park.

Yogi Bear 

“Can you give me a little feedback on my processing?” I ask Keith, after briefly explaining what I am doing. 

“Go into an open area of the theme park.” Keith quickly begins guiding me. “Look for some type of character or person that is hiding from your vision.” 

“It makes no sense at all to me,” I soon reply, “but I feel as if Yogi Bear is hiding behind a building – and his little friend Boo-Boo is right there with him.” 

“What do you suppose that means?” Keith asks me to interpret my own metaphor. 

“Perhaps it is another reminder that it is time to be playful.” I begin to speculate. “It is time to break a few rules, to go out in nature for a few more picnic lunches, time to giggle and laugh, time to live the simpler life, time to quit taking everything so seriously.” 

Powerful Heart 

Before I have an opportunity to pursue my metaphor further a friend of mine stops by the porch looking quite frazzled. Without even a second thought, I know exactly what to do. 

“Would you like to sit here in front of me?” I ask my friend. 

Seconds later I am filling her with loving high-vibration energies, helping to calm down her energy. 

Keith proceeds to guide her through some powerful empath assistance. My friend is deeply struggling with the energy of the aftermath of the massive earthquake in Japan. I am amazed by my own intuitive response. I know that I am not the primary player in guiding my friend back to a loving calm state, but I do know that my powerful heart has been a major participant in the process. Gratitude flows through my soul. 

Blush-Filled Feedback 

Sunday evening, Lisa and I finally get together for a fabulous three and a half hour conversation – a delightful getting-to-know-you session of sharing stories on both sides. 

“Brenda, your writing has deeply inspired my path.” Lisa shares lovingly. “In fact, I have gone back to the beginning and read everything that you have ever published in your blog.” 

“I am so honored to have you in my life.” I respond with equal sentiment, thrilled to discover how my words are impacting another. 

“Brenda,” Lisa continues unexpectedly. “Everyone comes back from Keith’s ceremonies and talks about how amazing you are, what a presence you have, and how they all wish you would work on them.” 

“Seriously? They really say that?” I ask with surprised shock. 

I want to believe Lisa’s words, but at the same time I also want to reject those words, to minimize them. 

Deep in my heart, I do know that my heart is opening in a very powerful way, that I am engaging in my own very deep and intense personal work, and that my process is having a very influential impact on others that frequent Keith’s porch. 

But I am also genuinely afraid of building up ego. With all my heart I know that everything I am doing is merely flowing through me. The energy I share is not my own, it is being channeled from higher sources. Likewise, the light I sometimes shine is simply a part of my own healing process. 

“I really don’t know what I am doing, other than trying to heal my own life, and then write about the process.” I tell Lisa humbly. 

I blush as I ponder the joyful emotion of realizing that this personal healing process is in some small way inspiring and blessing the lives of others. 

In addition to making a beautiful new friend, the last few days have found me bawling my brains out while immersed in deep self-hatred, attempting to tame frightened and skittish junkyard dogs, exploring the magic of “puppy love”, basking in the energy of Niagara Falls, and even playing with Yogi Bear and Boo-Boo. 

I eagerly look forward to discovering how my healing process continues to unfold. It seems to be getting more magical every single day. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

My heart overflows with loving presence and power as I awaken on the first morning of my 57^th year. After a beautiful healing conversation with my roommate Peter, I sit back on the living room daybed and begin to dabble in writing a few notes. The powerful vibration in my heart is overwhelming and undeniable, distracting me from such mundane everyday tasks. I want nothing more than to lie back in this dancing river of vibrating energy. 

But part of me remains unsure, slightly fearful as I surrender deeper into the flow – a flow that puts all past belief systems into question. 

In the midst of the magical wonder, I begin to ponder just how this energy must have felt when I was a very young child – how it must have been such a traumatic shock when the power-cord to this amazing magic was abruptly severed. 

Pain with Roots 

As the Friday afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway, I am still riding high on the wave of light, joyfully sharing that light with others. But soon after Keith begins guiding a group meditation, one that he calls “The Pillar of Light,” my abdomen begins to go crazy with rumbling painful energy. 

As I patiently and desperately wait for the meditation to end, the bloating pain in my abdomen increases dramatically in intensity, reaching a state that I could only describe as excruciatingly painful. 

“Please help me Keith!” I ask with a sense of desperation as the meditation finally concludes. 

Soon, Keith asks several others in the group to scoot over in front of me to assist me with my release process. 

“This pain is deeply rooted in your second chakra.” Keith begins to guide me. “For some reason, I have observed that emotional densities in the second chakra often seem to have very deep roots.” 

“Reach inside and literally grab hold of the painful densities,” Keith continues his confusing coaching. “Literally yank them out, roots and all.” 

As I look around the room before following Keith’s guidance, I again feel a strong need to ask Anton for his assistance. I briefly hesitate, but swallow my pride, verbally expressing my desire. Soon, Anton is among those gathered and holding space for me. 

Not having a clue what to do, I enter deeply into meditation and envision myself using my energetic hands to reach inside of my abdomen, imagining myself literally grabbing the core of the painful throbbing emotional blobs that taunt me. As I do so, I use every ounce of force that my internal will can muster … pulling … pulling … gasping for breath … pulling … crying … pulling … breathing … pulling. 

The pain is excruciating as I engage both my imagination and my diaphragm to pull and suck out the density. Deep tears and gut-wrenching anguish saturate my soul as I continue exerting every fiber of my will and strength. 

Finally, I experience a deep sense of relief as the majority of the pain seems to have been lifted and dissolved – first having been pulled up into my solar plexus before being released from my body for transmutation by the angels. 

But a strong sense of inner knowing simultaneously tells me that I am not done yet. 

“Brenda,” Keith interjects lovingly, “even though we both know there is more to go, you have done enough for today. Save the rest for later. Let this be a process of following the flow of your Higher Self, trusting that the rest will be released in its proper time.” 

Increasing Insights 

For several minutes, I simply sit in restful shock while contemplating the pain-releasing reality of what just occurred on the porch. 

“This is just another personal example to show you how you literally shut down your energies as a child beginning around age three.” Keith coaches me further.

Again, Keith reassures me that there was no verbal of physical abuse involved – but he continues to label what happened to me as actual energetic and psychic abuse, reiterating that the blockages in my lower chakras are directly related to the religious guilt and judgment that were energetically dumped all over me by loving parents and teachers, continuously piling up the religious programming layer upon layer – all for my own good of course. 

In those tender years, these lower-vibration energies gradually overwhelmed me as my genuine and innocent connection to the divine literally withered and died. 

“Keith,” I again emphasize to my teacher, “I have no earthly memory of any of this physically happening, yet emotionally and intuitively, everything that you are telling me resonates as being powerfully true.” 

Increasing Energies 

I cannot help but notice that as I tediously process through one emotional layer after another, I seem to be gradually opening more and more magical energy connections – energy vibrations that just a few months ago would have seemed mere fantasy. 

Just today, I experience much more energy vibrating in my head – and while my lower chakras still feels quite blocked, they are considerably lighter than I have felt in a very long time. 

“Congratulations on a very powerful day.” Keith tells me as we briefly chat after group. 

Both Keith and I know that I have only just begun – that there are many more emotional layers to release – that the opening of my magical theme park has barely begun.  

A Higher Flow 

As I stroll home, a feeling of quiet excitement fills my soul. I am not the least bit concerned with what my next step will be. I recognize very clearly that I am in a powerful flow – a flowing process guided step by step by an awareness that is far beyond my present comprehension – a flow directed by my own Higher Self.

I laugh with humility as I contemplate how the “old me” would have been judging others who seemed to be as stuck as I presently appear to be – day after day digging into the same issues – crying out layer after layer of the same old stuff – progressing ever so slowly through deep emotional issues. 

Yet, the “new me” simply giggles as I recognize that I am on a gradual path that is definitely guiding me in ways I never before imagined. As I courageously take each step, I am being blessed with deep insights into love and patience, knowing that I simply need to show up and be present with each unfolding lesson. 

Yoga Farm or Bust 

Delighted would be an understatement as I eagerly contemplate the amazing Saturday before me. Keith has asked if I would like to accompany him on a daytrip across the lake for another ceremony at the beautiful Mystical Yoga Farm. Magical memories of my last such trip only add to my anticipation. 

A minor glitch in our plans turns out to be no problem at all. When the man who was expected to transport us across the lake in his boat tells us “no”, we quickly make new plans, taking a public boat to San Pedro and hiring a private boat to complete our journey. The smile in my heart grows bigger as the beautiful and isolated yoga retreat center comes into view. We have arrived with plenty of time to spare. 

Slow Start, Wild Finish 

As Keith passes the chocolate out to the other fourteen participants, I accidentally find myself sitting next to a small petite woman who almost immediately begins to exhibit deep anxiety about what is about to happen to her. I will simply call her Cathy (not her real name). 

I spend several minutes reassuring Cathy that all will be OK, that if she trusts herself and allows herself to fully surrender to the process, that she will have an amazing experience.   

Soon, as the ceremony is fully underway, I find myself energetically drawn to give Cathy one-hundred percent of my time and loving energy. She is overwhelmed with anxiety and deep painful emotional release as Keith slowly works his way around the rest of the beautiful outdoor pavilion, working with other women who seem to be barely accessing their own suppressed emotions – a process that goes on for an hour or more. 

But I am not judging Keith for taking his time. I have learned to deeply trust that he is following the energies, and that all will be perfect with his timing. I simply do what I can to support Cathy, to provide her with loving reassurance and high vibration energies. When Keith finally does work his way around to Cathy and me, he takes one look at her fragile emotional state and immediately asks everyone else in the pavilion to stop what they are doing and to come over to support Cathy. 

Then Keith shocks everyone. 

“I am being guided to tell you all that Cathy is being what I call a ‘ground’.” Keith begins teaching us all. “Cathy is currently channeling the painful repressed emotions of others in the group, grounding all of those bottled-up emotions by running them uncontrollably and extremely-painfully through her own body and then down into Mother Earth.” 

“See what you all are doing to her by not being honest with what you feel!” Keith adds with loving emphasis. 

Almost immediately, as Keith’s powerful words sink in, and as Cathy’s emotional anxiety goes into high gear, nearly everyone in the pavilion bursts into deep, gut-wrenching tears. They intuitively recognize the truth of Keith’s profound words and begin to allow themselves to tear down their own emotional walls. 

For the next several hours, the emotional processing done by all is profound and genuine. Intense would be an extreme understatement as the level of emotions released is probably the most I have ever witnessed in any given single ceremony.  

My heart continues to guide me to remain at Cathy’s side, pumping her full of loving energies while her healing process gradually unfolds – a healing process shared by all who are present. 

A few weeks later, I learn that Cathy left the yoga retreat early – happily telling her friends that she is thrilled to have gotten exactly what she came for, and that there was no other reason to remain. 

Outdoor Bed 

Because of the lateness of the hour, Keith and I opt to remain at the Yoga Farm for Saturday night. I end up getting an exceedingly uncomfortable mattress in the loft of a shared cabin. The floor and wooden ladder are extremely squeaky, and my bladder seems to be extra small. Combining this with the fact that I seem to sense the connected energy of everyone around me within twenty feet, I simply cannot sleep. 

Shortly after midnight I quietly sneak down to the outdoor pavilion – a beautiful round patio with concrete floor and thatched roof – an open-air gathering place less than 50 feet from the waters of Lake Atitlan, surrounded by gorgeous views. Still not sure what will happen, I pile up about ten straw mats, on top of which I layer seven or eight spongy yoga mats. Then, wrapping myself up in several woolen blankets I attempt my first open-air sleeping experience in a very long time. 

Magically, I soon drift off to sleep and wake up only a couple of times. As the first shimmers of dawn begin to radiate above the nearby volcano just across the lake and above Santiago, I quietly stow away all of my pads and blankets and sneak back up the path to my lumpy and saggy mattress at the top of a squeaky wooden ladder. For some silly reason, I don’t want others to know that I slept outside – part of me fearing that I might have been breaking a rule or something horrible like that. 

A half hour after returning to my bed, I hear the quiet dinging of morning bells. It is now 6:15 a.m., time to arise for morning meditation. Just over two hours later, Keith and I are back on a boat, being whisked across the smooth waters of Lake Atitlan, rushing back to San Marcos with plenty of time to prepare for yet another day of chocolate healing. 

Lessons in Acceptance 

Back at my apartment, I intend to grab a quick breakfast before rushing off to help Keith prepare for what may be a large ceremony on his porch. But to my surprise, I discover Peter in a state of really desiring to talk. 

The lesson is a very tough one for me. 

Peter has decided that he is no longer interested in working with Keith, and that he is going to pursue his spiritual path in his own way, on his own terms, doing so from a more rational-minded, self-directed, manifestation approach. I am all for people following their own paths, yet in my narrow-minded perception I see deep flaws in Peter’s approach – judging it through my own filtered lenses. With all of my heart, I desperately long to find a way to convince Peter to see that the way I would do it is a much more enlightened approach. 

At one awkward point in our conversation – a point in which I feel my heart began to thump with resistance – Peter pushes back and points out that I am projecting onto him. 

“I am so sorry.” I apologize, quickly taking responsibility for what I now see myself doing. “I beg your forgiveness for trying to force my path onto you.” 

The next hour of our conversation is beautiful, peaceful, and very helpful to both of us. Peter soon tells me how grateful he is for the insights that I shared with him. I later remind myself that my job is not to force my own path onto others. Instead, my task as a counselor is to meet others where they are at – to inspire them to find their own inner path – to inspire them to find the courage to listen to their own heart. 

Return to Pain 

Throughout the first half of a relatively small Sunday chocolate ceremony, I revel in the fact that my heart is still glowing with power and that none of my own emotional densities are surfacing. I use the opportunity to share energy with several other people in the group. 

However, as if on cue, a lesser version of my abdominal pain begins to resurface as Keith works with another woman in the group – working with her about how she shut down her own third chakra when she was a child. 

As Keith continues his work with this other woman, I feel deeply emotional as I begin to further imagine the energetic nightmare that I must have experienced as a naïve and innocent three year old child – an intuitive child being taught concepts and beliefs that deeply conflicted with the loving divine energies already flowing in my heart. 

I work quietly in the background, slightly crying as I allow the emotions to surface, pondering metaphors from my magical theme park. When I recognize that my throat chakra is quite scratchy, I lift both hands to the base of my neck, providing myself with a supply of my own loving channeled light energy. 

Noticing my increased emotional agitation, Anton soon joins me, beginning to supply me with high-vibration energy via my feet. 

An Unexpected Answer 

I note that Keith continues to work with others, completely ignoring my own emotional journey. At nearly 5:00 p.m., when I finally ask Keith for help, he informs me that his guidance is that I need to receive my own internal answers on this issue – that he needs to stay away and let me find my own way through the issue. 

My initial reaction is one of frustration, futility, helplessness, and hopelessness. 

“I don’t feel capable of doing that.” I respond to Keith. “I feel really stuck. I need some help to move forward with this.” 

“Brenda, for several weeks now, you have been asking for help in learning how to channel so that you can get your own answers.” Keith begins to coach me. “This is the Universe’s response to your request.” 

“This experience is showing you the pattern you run to scam yourself when you think you are expected to do something like this by yourself.” Keith adds. “You need to learn to trust your own connected abilities.” 

Pouting Party 

“If Keith is not going to help me,” I think to myself, “and if the higher energies want me to figure this out on my own, then maybe I should just go home and isolate myself, trying to do exactly that.” 

My thoughts do not exactly come from an empowered and healthy perspective. They are much more of the pouting and whining variety. I feel both rejected and helpless, but am also quite determined to follow Keith’s advice. 

“I wonder if I really can get my own answers on this.” I ponder weakly, not really sure if I believe that this is likely or even possible. 

I really want to go home to pout and feel sorry for myself, but the connected loving energies in my heart seem to be giving me a different guidance. 

“Stay and talk to Keith after group.” The little voices whisper. “Don’t take this personally. Trust yourself. Ask for clarification. Everything will be perfect … it will be exactly what you need.” 

Futility and Helplessness 

I am almost afraid to approach Keith after group is over. He had been quite clear that I am on my own with this issue. But I don’t want to ask him for help with my issue; I want to ask for clarification on a much larger part of my life. 

In my discussion with Keith, I share about lifelong patterns of self doubt and insecurities, as well as a long-term history of not believing in myself. I tell him of my deep frustration when my channeling friend Trish (in my very last session before beginning my travels) shared with me the fact that my guides were telling her that I needed to get my own answers – that I need to learn to talk to them directly. 

Keith responded by sharing some private and powerful details regarding his own difficult journey in learning to get out of his own way, in facing his own struggles of futility and helplessness. 

Keith’s words deeply comfort me. Simply knowing that Keith once faced the same type of fears gives me the hope and courage to do the same. 

“Brenda,” Keith adds, “If you don’t feel totally helpless and futile, then you are not yet where you need to be.” 

Love Them Both 

“I know, I know, I know,” I tell Keith, “I absolutely know that I have been manifesting incredible things in the last three weeks alone, often on an hourly or even moment-by-moment basis, creating a perfect reality for my ongoing growth lessons.” 

“I also recognize that I am being pulled into an old pattern of not believing in myself.” I add with clarity. “I see that I am engaging in my God drama – believing in my separateness from God – frustration and anger at God – believing that God will never communicate directly with me.” 

“This pattern is so obvious to me.” I continue. “On the one hand I have great clarity and can recognize the flow of the Universe in everything I do. On the other hand, I doubt myself completely.” 

“I need to simply forget the doubts and embrace what I deeply know to be true …” I continue rambling. 

“No, Brenda!” Keith interrupts suddenly. “Embrace them both. Put your doubts in one hand and your deep spiritual connection with the Universe in the other. Hold them both and learn about each of them.” 

Keith tells me to love them both – to simply observe the patterns through which I am passing – to get to know myself. He also reminds me that what I resist will persist, but what I love will simply melt away when taken into the light. 

“You are in a very powerful place,” Keith reassures me lovingly, congratulating me in my progress. 

Tears of joy stream down my cheeks as I recognize the truth in Keith’s words, even though a part of me still wants to play very small. 

Magical Theme Park Revisited 

As I meditate before bed, it suddenly hits me with powerful force. 

All of my magic is powered by unconditional love – a love which flows abundantly through my heart. The wand in my head is held by my little inner child. She literally controls the entire magical theme park – there are unlimited possibilities, all fueled by love and joy – there are no limits. The theme park is meant to be fun and joyful. 

I am the one who gets to create the magic. It is not a cookie-cutter replica of Disneyland – it is my own unique magic, powered by the love of my heart, powered by my own internal creativity. 

Learning to Laugh 

During a quick Monday morning boat excursion to Panajachel for cash and food, I enjoy the delightful treat of an inspiring Skype conversation with my dear friend Rose. 

Rose is the epitome of beautiful and genuine laughter. She has an uncanny knack of connecting with the hearts of others, and she does a great deal of that connecting with her gift of heart-felt humor. 

“Rose,” I suddenly blurt out in the conversation, “laughter is an incredible way to move emotional densities.” 

“I need to learn to laugh more.” I add with love. “I need to learn to laugh like you do.” 

A few minutes later I have shared with Rose regarding how at around ten or eleven years of age, I suddenly developed a deep self-consciousness about the way I laughed. In fact, I completely stopped laughing out loud, never allowing myself more than a slight chuckle so as not to appear stupid. 

To my horror, Rose coaxes me into ending our Skype conversation with both of us engaged in a couple of minutes of deep and loud belly laughs. As I honor Rose’s request, I begin to have such a good time that I do not even care when I glance over my shoulder to notice two young Mayan women, grinning widely at how much fun I seem to be having while I laugh. 

Taking Life To Seriously 

As the Monday afternoon chocolate ceremony begins, I explain to Keith about my powerful evening and morning filled with meditative insights. 

“I take life to seriously.” I blurt out to Keith. “I need to learn how to laugh more.” 

“Thank God.” Anton blurts out from across the porch. 

“I must be underestimating my lack of humor.” I silently ponder after hearing Anton’s comment. 

A sly giggle spreads across my face. 

“Congratulations for taking your metaphors another level deeper.” Keith encourages me. “You are doing a great job, and you did it all by yourself.” 

As the afternoon ceremony unfolds, I am so filled with love and light that I simply sit back, shining that light and love to others, holding space for them during their own deep processing. 

I recognize that learning to laugh more frequently and easily will be an ongoing process, but today is a great place to begin that journey. 

Life of Brenda 

Later Monday evening, as Peter is out socializing with friends, I take the opportunity to put on a Monte Python movie, “Life of Brian”. Throughout the entire movie, even though I find myself inclined to moan and groan at some of the bizarre humor, I joyfully force myself to let out full strength belly laughs – the kind I have never allowed myself to do – just getting a little practice about how it feels to actually laugh out loud. 

“The ‘Life of Brenda’ needs to be filled with more of these laughs,” I giggle to myself as I eventually drift off to a joyful dreamland. 

Follow the River 

Tuesday morning, as I plan to begin catching up on my deep backlog of writing, I am instead intuitively guided to spend nearly five hours conversing with Peter. 

He is going through his own life issues, and is in a place where the loving support of a friend is most appreciated. As before, I find myself at times being extremely frustrated during the conversation with my new friend. I have so much insight and wisdom to share, but I realize that Peter and I are not living in the same realities. My words of wisdom, as I wish to share them, are not welcome. 

In another powerful lesson for me, I again follow the flow of energies, understanding and working within Peter’s view of the world, simply being a friend and helping to support and encourage him as he uncovers his own clarity in the world as he sees and understands it.  

I am beginning to recognize the reasons why I was guided to invite Peter to be my short-term roommate. Yes, having his masculine energy around has been a beautiful way to relax all of my past fears regarding a male roommate. But even more importantly, the experience is teaching me that when relating with others, I need to do so in the framework of their individual and unique reality. 

Pain is Resistance 

Wednesday afternoon, after another morning of conversing instead of writing, I immediately note that my old familiar abdominal pain is back, right where it has been for what feels like a very long time. 

Rather than judging the pain, I simply watch and observe it. 

I note that when Keith asks me to work with others, the pain in my abdomen seems to fade and go away. When I return to focus on my own meditative journey, the pain is again right there, asking for my focus and attention. The transient nature of the pain is a great teacher, letting me know that the sharp tummy rumbling is energetic and not physical. 

Keith has some very wise rules when it comes to relationships – rules that resonate deeply with my own way of thinking – rules that I have heard him repeat in ceremonies too many times to count. Those three rules are: “It is never about what it is about”, “It is never about the other person”, and “Nothing changes until you do.” 

Today, I am quite surprised when Keith suddenly quotes a fourth rule, that being “Pain is resistance.” I am quite familiar with the concept, but the fact that Keith has begun to upgrade this statement to the category of one of his relationship rules causes me to take special notice. 

“Is the pain in my abdomen a form of resistance?” I ask myself. “If so, exactly what am I resisting?” 

“Is there some new energy that wants to return, perhaps an old forgotten part of me?” I ponder to myself. “Could the pain be related to my own internal subconscious resistance in not allowing that to happen?” 

In my heart, something rings true. Yes indeed, there is an energetic part of my being that wants to return. Yes it is something that I blocked and/or pushed out during my childhood shutdown. And yes, I do want to try to bring it back in. 

But try as I might, I cannot seem to do it on my own. I again begin to doubt and to judge myself as being incapable of doing this work by myself. 

Getting to Know You 

After nearly five hours of alternating between my own silent process, and assisting others during group, I recognize another truth. Rather than trying to judge or fix the lack of energy in my second and third chakras, I simply need to send love to that area of my body. I’m not quite sure how to do that, but the statement vibrates deeply in my heart. 

“Brenda, I have observed you doing some pretty intense inner processing while you were helping others.” Keith congratulates me after a brief discussion. “You are definitely on the right track with the recognition of your pain being resistance, and that the resistance is related to a pushed-out part of you that needs to be reintegrated.” 

“But maybe before trying to bring that part of you back,” Keith adds his wisdom, “just maybe you need to first find it and get to know it.” 

In sincerity, I feel as if I soon connect to a sad and rejected part of me that is still deeply wounded in the area of sexuality and creativity. I go through the motions of sending love to this part of me and asking it to come back – but I feel absolutely no energy movement.  

“I’m getting the feeling that this might take longer than today.” I tell Keith, having no idea just how true my words will prove to be. “I need to take this slow and integrate with each and every step.” 

Unexpected Anvil 

“Go into meditation.” Keith immediately changes the flow of our conversation. 

“There is an object right in front of you.” Keith continues. “What is it?” 

The object that immediately flashes into my mind is an anvil. Feeling that this is a completely stupid and silly response, I resist sharing my first thought. Finally, after a few minutes of hesitation, I speak up. 

“It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever,” I tell Keith timidly, “but what I’m feeling and partially seeing is an anvil – a very hard and heavy steel anvil.” 

I try to find a few obvious metaphors related to an anvil, but they all fall flat. I am clueless as to why this object would pop up in my meditation. 

“Get to know the anvil better.” Keith tells me before moving on to work with someone else. 

“I soon realize that the anvil is of the type that has a sharp pointed rod on one end – reminding me of a hard phallus – a hard-on – something that I absolutely abhorred as a teenage boy.” 

Self-Hatred 

I begin to remember my earliest experiences of struggling with gender confusion – experiences where I would secretly dress up in feminine clothing, feeling exhilarated at imagining my body as fully female, feeling so alive and energized in my heart. If only the amazing feeling of feminine energy could go on forever. My heart ached for the experience to be real and lasting. 

Invariably, those occasions were always ruined when my male body became sexually aroused. I hated that disgusting part of my anatomy. I despised myself when shameful and unwanted male sexuality entered into the gender experience – sexuality that always ended with a guilt-ridden release of confusing sexual energies. Yes, of course there was physical pleasure in that release, but the emotional side was plagued with shame and self-hatred. 

Yes, I hated male body parts as a young boy … and a deeply rooted part of me still does. 

The picture suddenly becomes very clear. The self-hatred of my youth – my deeply rooted hatred of the phallic symbol portrayed by the anvil – is the same energy that pushed out the true sexual and creative energies of my second chakra. The creativity and healthy sexuality that I rejected and pushed out in my youth are exactly the very parts of me that I now desire to bring back, to reintegrate into my field. 

But the self-hatred must first be processed and released before any form of healthy lower-chakra energy is allowed to return. 

Vertical Pain 

As I meditate on the hatred, I begin to feel a strong and focused vertical line of physical pain – a line that starts just below the heart at the top of my third chakra and runs down through the belly button, ending right at the crotch. 

This line feels deeply painful – excruciatingly painful – a channel of pain blocked by resistance and hatred. 

I now realize why attempts of the past week to bring in a missing part of myself have been premature and frustrating. Prior to today, I have only been giving rational-mind lip service to the real problem. 

The hatred that pushed these parts out of my field continues to exist – having been deeply suppressed beneath my conscious awareness. 

My next task is now quite clear. 

Put on Hold  

Alas, as soon as I identify the real cause of my shutdown – and it is me – the chocolate ceremony must come to a close. There is no time to delve profoundly into the deep emotional pain that has just been exposed. Yes, a few minor tears are shed, a few feelings of anger are briefly accessed, and loving recognition begins to flow – but all must be put on hold. 

“I need a private appointment to go deeper into this.” I ask Keith, hoping that a time slot might be open in the next few days. “Most of the related issues that need to be discussed are far too personal of a nature for an open group anyway.” 

“How about tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m.?” Keith asks with a grin. 

I love how the Universe works. 

As Wednesday evening, March 16, enters the record books, I am eager and anxious to dig into the deep and personal issue of an anvil scorned. I am so very ready to begin the healing process necessitated by a life-long shutdown of my creative energies. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

My hands vibrate as I place them beside me on the wooden bench of the boat while we zoom across beautiful Lake Atitlan. Peace fills my heart as I enjoy this much-needed Monday-morning trip across the lake to Panajachel. I have errands to run, and also hope to avail myself of the opportunity to connect with a few friends on Skype. 

As I sit in a little booth just inside the door of a noisy internet café, I place my hands flat on the table in front of me, one on either side of the keyboard. While talking via my headset, I again feel a powerful and constant loving vibration in those hands as I engage in a long and delightful Skype conversation with my dear friend Michelle.  

After nearly an hour, Michelle suddenly interrupts. 

“Brenda, I can’t believe it,” Michelle tells me with deep surprise. “I just realized that I am playing with my arm up above my head and it is completely pain-free. I am shocked because the pain has been so bad that I haven’t been able to lift my arm like this for several months.” 

“I just asked my intuition what happened,” Michelle continues, “and I was strongly told that it was you … that your energy made my shoulder stop hurting.” 

I am blown away by Michelle’s surprising words. The only thing I am doing is sending loving vibrating energy with my heart while engaging in a deeply energized spiritual conversation with my friend.  

A while later, while engaged in another Skype conversation, my dear friend Jeanette comments about the vibrating energy that she also senses coming to her through the phone from thousands of miles away. 

As I rush back across the lake, hoping to return in time for the afternoon chocolate ceremony, I strike up a conversation with a tourist from Texas. After briefly sharing my morning experiences with this woman – a woman I have never met – she too comments that she feels a strong energetic vibration flowing from me. 

Again, as I hurry from the boat dock back to my apartment, I bump into my friend Rebecca, who unexpectedly comments about the powerful energetic presence she feels emanating from me. 

At the start of the chocolate ceremony, I am still vibrating, overflowing with love and wonderment.  

“Is it possible that my energy actually healed Michelle’s shoulder?” I enthusiastically ask Keith as I briefly share the amazing tale of my morning. 

“Yes, Brenda,” Keith responds, “what you were doing is sending pure unconditionally loving energy to Michelle.” 

Keith goes on to clarify that this type of healing usually makes the symptoms of an illness go away for a short period of time, giving the recipient a peaceful break from their struggles long enough for them to find a little clarity and to make new choices in their life. 

Sure enough, in a brief exchange with Michelle a couple of days later, she tells me that she was indeed pain-free for most of Monday, but the symptoms returned later that same night. 

Returning Energies 

As I begin to meditate in the afternoon chocolate ceremony, I feel a slight pressure on my sternum, directly above my heart chakra. The pressure is quite forceful and focused. 

“Is the energy you feel wanting to flow in or out?” Keith asks me, desiring that I find the answer myself. 

“In.” I respond with confidence after meditating briefly. “This is a part of me that I pushed out when I was young – a part of me that now wants to return.” 

“How old were you when you pushed this energy away?” Keith follows up. 

“It feels like I was four or five.” I reply intuitively, not quite sure if I trust what I am feeling. 

Keith soon validates that his own intuitions agree. 

As I begin to focus on allowing these energies to re-integrate, I feel distracted and don’t seem to feel much of anything flowing into the front of my heart chakra. 

“It may take a week or more for these energies to return.” Keith reassures me. “In the meantime, try inviting them in through your crown chakra or through the back of your heart chakra. Just allow the process to happen in its own time and way.” 

Keith’s comments release my feeling of urgency, and I almost immediately begin to feel a slight flow of energy entering both my crown and the back of my heart. 

But before I spend much time pursuing this pleasant energy flow, Keith asks me to begin assisting others. 

A Little Powerhouse 

For the remainder of an amazing ceremony, I am back in a deeply vibrating state – a state of glowing with unconditional love that I radiate and share with others. Several times Keith coaches me, asking me to verbalize my intuitive insights while assisting others – but mostly I simply share powerful energy with my hands and my heart – something that is now feeling quite natural for me when I am in such a deeply connected state. 

“Wow, you’re a little powerhouse.” One gentleman comments to me as the amazing group comes to an end. 

I simply giggle and smile inside. I love ceremonies like the one today, but I also intuitively know that my own deep internal processes are far from complete. I have much to work on. 

Perhaps the Universe is simply giving me a much-needed break from my own emotional processing – providing me with a delicious taste of the magical gifts that are beginning to open up inside of me – giving me a hope-inspiring glimpse into what might be possible as I continue doing my own deep inner work. 

Revolving Roommates 

Tuesday evolves as a mixture of cleaning, laundry, and writing. Rae just left on Sunday and my new roommate will be arriving tomorrow. There is much to be done. This new housing situation both confuses and delights me. Even before connecting with Anton, I had begun my healing of “male-energy rejection” by developing a budding friendship with a young man named Peter – the same young man that I met on the day after Valentines Day – an amazing day in which I had experienced a powerful heart opening. 

While Peter was studying Spanish in Xela, he had emailed me, indicating that he wanted to return to San Marcos to do some more intuitive work with Keith. 

“I will have a spare bedroom by the time you get back here.” I had replied to Peter. 

“This is so unlike me,” I had continued in my response, “but my intuition strongly guides me to offer my spare bedroom to you if you would like to stay here for a week or two.” 

As I pause over the send button on my email, I cringe with fear, actually hoping that Peter will turn down the offer. My relationship with Peter is strictly friends – but even so, the idea of having a male friend living under my roof goes completely against my religious upbringing. 

“What will people think?” A long-buried voice protests with a feeling of sheer terror. 

I simply smile and ignore that feeble voice. A much more powerful voice reassures me that having a male roommate for a week or two will be another huge step in liberating myself from the repression of past belief systems – further freeing myself from the excessive rejection of male energy that continues to taunt me. 

A Magic Wand 

Shortly after drinking my chocolate, I am quickly visited by two interlocked metaphors that are now quite common – a very familiar presence of cloudy pressure in my forehead combined with a rumbling pain in my solar plexus. It seems that these metaphors are now returning on a daily basis, letting me know in a very physical way that there is something inside of me that desperately desires to be discovered. 

It is Wednesday afternoon, just two days after I began a process of re-integrating a portion of long-forgotten-and-rejected magical energy from childhood. 

As I sit in quiet meditation, a feeling of frustration begins to consume me. I don’t have the slightest clue as to how to move forward and I desperately crave Keith’s assistance. 

As Keith eventually begins working with me, I am quite surprised by what transpires. He quickly makes a series of specific tones with his voice and simultaneously taps me on the forehead, right on top of my third eye chakra. 

“Play with that.” Keith tells me confidently. “I have helped to temporarily open up some energy flow in your third eye. In order for the change to become permanent you will still need to heal the emotional densities that are keeping it closed, but this should give you a good taste of what energies are patiently awaiting you.” 

“Move the energy around and connect it with your third chakra.” Keith then instructs me. “And remember to play with it … don’t be so serious.” 

As I go deep into meditation, frustration again begins to consume me. I focus on Keith’s instructions but I feel only a tiny bit of energy in my forehead. I am beginning to give up hope, beginning to flounder with diminishing confidence when the next metaphor finally implants itself firmly in my intuitive awareness. 

I am suddenly quite aware of my little inner child Sharon. Her main energetic presence is down in my solar plexus, but I feel as if her arm extends up through my neck into my head, just behind my third eye chakra. In her hand is a magic wand. 

Going deeper into meditation, I desire to have full access to this magic wand – a wand that has been dormant and powerless for so long. I clearly recognize that my job is to release the resistance – internal resistance that keeps me from accessing the repressed magic being symbolically shown to me. 

My curiosity is peaked, yet I am clueless as to how to proceed. 

The realization that I have a magic wand in my head gives me a sense of profound wonder, igniting a spark of hope in my soul telling me that just maybe I am actually close to discovering more repressed magic inside of me.

Magical Theme Park 

Suddenly, I feel as if I am in some type of theme park. Usually, my meditations are done entirely with intuitive sensing and feeling, but this one unexpectedly brings in a faint visual component as well. 

The entire theme park is dark and shutdown. Fear immediately consumes me – a fear that loudly reminds me of something that I seem to already know. 

“I am not supposed to be here,” The inner voices scream loudly, accompanied by a feeling of intense anxiety. “I will get in deep trouble if anyone sees me inside the park.” 

As I visualize a Ferris wheel nearby, a sense of deep curiosity pulls me even closer. 

“I really want to sit on the bench seat at the bottom of the Ferris wheel.” I excitedly ponder. “No one will see me … yes … I will risk it … I will do it.” 

As I approach the dark, dormant ride, a new sense of panic-filled awareness registers itself deeply in my heart. 

“I am the guard.” The voice of clarity zooms into my awareness. “It is my job to protect this theme park, to keep other people out … and I’m definitely not supposed to be in here myself. I am supposed to be guarding the gate. If someone finds me actually sitting in one of the rides, I will probably lose my job.” 

As I begin to turn around, hoping to return to my guard post before anyone catches me, a sense of deep curiosity again pulls me back toward the Ferris wheel. 

“I really want to turn on the power and go for a short ride.” My inner passions begin to stir. 

As I visualize myself approaching the power switch, sheer terror causes me to freeze as tears begin to form in my eyes. 

“NO!” Another inner voice screams out in distress, “that is against all of the rules. You simply must not do that!” 

A Symbol From The Past 

“Brenda, are you available?” Keith interrupts my meditation mid-stream. 

It seems that my presence is needed elsewhere on the porch. The unfolding of this beautiful metaphor of magic is temporarily put on the shelf, but the metaphor is only beginning to shed light to my path. Its significance will continue to unfold in powerful ways over the days and weeks to come. 

Even now, as I write about this meditation seven weeks after the fact, I realize for the first time that the symbolism of a Ferris wheel is strongly connected to my present-day spiritual journey. Around my neck I wear a very special necklace with a round medallion – a circular medallion with six flat spokes. 

Nearly three years ago, when my channeling friend Trish first told me about a symbol that my guides were trying to communicate to me, she had described it as being like a Ferris wheel. Then, as she drew what was being shown to her on a piece of paper, she recognized the similarity to a necklace that she owned – a necklace that she was subsequently guided to give to me. It was recognition of  this same symbol that caused me to sign up for the Sun Course – which subsequently led to my meeting Keith – which is now introducing a magical theme park that exists somewhere inside of me. 

Roommate Reunion 

As I return home from a magical day on Keith’s porch, I am excited to find Peter already making himself comfortable in to my spare bedroom. The two of us enjoy a delightful reunion and catch-up conversation over burgers and fries at a local restaurant. I am totally excited to see where my synchronous friendship with Peter may lead, but even more excited by the fact that tomorrow is my fifty-sixth birthday. 

Just one year ago I celebrated my fifty-fifth birthday in a tiny little Mayan village nestled in the mountains of southwestern Belize – a village where I was first exposed to the growing of cacao. It is hard to believe that I have now been in Guatemala nearly an entire year – a year that has been totally blessed by the continued exploration of cacao under the amazing assistance of Keith, my favorite Chocolate Shaman. 

Who’s The Boss 

As I awaken on March 10, my beautiful birthday morning, the mild pressure in my third-eye chakra continues. I know in my heart that the cloudy feeling has something to do with the magic that continues to remain closed off and shut down inside of my head. 

I just happen to already have a scheduled morning private appointment with Keith – another beautiful little synchronicity that coincides perfectly with my desire to further explore the theme park metaphor – a metaphor that overnight has expanded into an entire clone of Disneyland. 

After I bring Keith up to date on my meditative journey, he surprises me with his first question.  

“Who is your boss?” Keith asks the obvious question. “Just who is the employer that has hired you to guard the gate, to keep intruders away from your magical theme park?” 

“I’m not sure.” I answer feebly after meditating for a few minutes. “It doesn’t make any sense.” 

Master Control 

“Go find the Master Control Center.” Keith guides me further into meditation. “When you find it, start turning a few of the rides on and then off again.” 

Again, I feel unsure of myself, stumbling around in confusion and fear, not feeling any clear internal guidance. I am stuck and unable to follow Keith’s guidance. 

“The wand in your head is the control center.” Keith finally chimes in. 

“Yeah, I know.” I reply as I intuitively figure the answer out at nearly the exact same moment. 

“Inner voices are telling me that I have to guard this place, to keep it dark, and to keep it safe from intrusion by others.” I begin to clarify my metaphor with Keith. 

“Who is that voice?” Keith asks as he again pushes me to discover just who the boss might be. 

“That boss is a forgotten part of me.” I finally speak intuitively. “My own internal voice is the boss. It is the logical perfectionist, the pessimistic naysayer, the ‘keep-me-safe’ voice that has protected me all of these years in a left-brained world of rules and structure.” 

“In fact,” I add, “I can easily recognize that this voice has figuratively saved my life many times during the periods where embracing structure was the only way I could survive.” 

“Now just who is the boss and who is the employee?” Keith asks another question. 

The answer is obvious – I am the real boss, and that voice is merely a part of me that was once given a job to protect me and my magic. Now that the protection is no longer necessary, the voice refuses to leave, insisting that he must remain in charge of keeping that magic turned off and locked up. 

Trial Opening 

Over the next few hours, Keith and I work together in meditation as I bring light to my magical theme park, temporarily turning various rides on and off, visualizing people walking around in the daylight. Throughout the meditation, I feel safe and secure and nothing bad happens to me, nothing bad whatsoever. 

To my delight, the deep fear of ‘getting in trouble’ seems to have dissipated, but the sense of dire responsibility in continuing to guard the theme park seems to be firmly rooted in place. 

I also begin to feel a little confused and overwhelmed at the thought of being personally responsible to run an entire theme park all by myself. 

“Climb up on top of the Ferris wheel and take a look around.” Keith coaches me deeper. 

As I scan my surroundings, I realize that I have an entire crew of angels just waiting for my instructions, just waiting to maintain the park and to run the rides etc… All I need to do is make my intentions lovingly clear, and the angels will do the rest. I don’t need to be the expert, and I don’t need to do it by myself.  

“I think your old guard-voice needs a new job.” Keith guides me in a new direction. “Why don’t you put that voice in charge of new magical ideas?” 

“He doesn’t think he can do that.” I reply after meditating for a few minutes. “That voice is so left-brained that such a task seems far beyond his abilities – and I myself have been shut down for so long that I don’t think I am capable of training him either.” 

Return to Fear 

As my private session winds to a close, Keith needs to switch gears in preparation for the afternoon ceremony. In the meantime, I return to my own individual meditative exploration. 

Suddenly I again find myself back at the entrance to the theme park, feeling terrified by the thought of leaving my guard post. The entire park feels dark again as a deep sense of responsibility sinks into my soul. I simply cannot leave my post, not even for a few seconds. If I do so, something unwanted might get inside. 

Trusting Higher Self 

Soon after the afternoon chocolate ceremony begins, I update Keith with the latest details of my meditative saga. 

“Ask your Higher Self to provide a temporary replacement guard for the theme park.” Keith begins to guide me back inside. “Then go with the old voice – the old boss – back into the park.” 

“Look for a purple tent, somewhere at the back of the theme park.” Keith continues. “When you find the tent, your Higher Self will be inside. Ask the voice to go inside for his first session of job retraining under the direction of your Higher Self.” 

Keith asks me to not go into the tent with the voice – to just allow Higher Self to take it from here. I find this request very difficult to follow. I seem to have strong control issues. A dominant part of me wants to be involved in everything. I want to know what is going on. I don’t want to be left out of the process. 

“You don’t need to be there.” Keith again reassures me, finally convincing me to back off and to simply trust that my Higher Self can do this without my help. 

As I continue in meditation, desperately anxious to discover the result of the discussion in the purple tent – a discussion taking place without my participation – Keith moves on to work with others. 

Confusing Chaos 

“Brenda, are you available?” Keith again pulls me out of my process, for the second day in a row. 

I tell Keith that I am stuck and still in my own work, processing, meditating, and following metaphors, but he insists that he needs my help. I trust and let go of attachments. 

In a rare display of masculine energy, the group today is almost all men. The two other women who were present on the porch both leave early, leaving me surrounded by total masculinity. 

Keith has asked me to work with a young man from Guatemala City – a deeply spiritual young man that Anton befriended and brought with him to the ceremony. As I hold his hands and begin to send him energy, I am mesmerized by the process. I am not quite sure just who is helping whom. 

After a while, I begin to feel overcome by deep emotion. I am experiencing a feeling of deep inadequacy – a feeling of being incapable of sharing my magic when I am still confused and do not know what I am doing. 

“Do I really need to cry?” I ask Keith for permission. I feel guilty slipping into my own process when I am trying to help someone else. 

“Do whatever you need to do.” Keith simply replies. 

The tears are right on the edge, but they do not come. I continue to hold energy-sharing hands with this beautiful young man, feeling the vibrating energy flow through me. I am still unsure as to whether I am the giver or the receiver. 

“I brought him to the ceremony today to share energy with you.” Anton jumps in unexpectedly. “It is a Birthday gift to you.” 

As Keith begins to work with Anton, a couple of the local Mayan women who hand-peel cacao beans for Keith walk onto the porch and interrupt the ceremony. While Isaias works with them for nearly an hour to weigh out a new batch of beans for them to peel, Keith totally surprises me by what he does and does not do. 

I watch with amazement as Keith abruptly stops what he is doing, stands up, and walks into his house – saying nothing – simply leaving the ceremony while I perceive that chaos is unfolding. 

Creating My Own Chaos 

Rather than judging this unexpected behavior, I attempt to consciously remind myself that when such things happen on the porch, they are always perfect for my own growth and learning – that as I have learned many times before, I really am creating my own reality – that a huge growth lesson is in the process of unfolding. 

But even with such awareness, I eventually lose myself in my emotions. I first try to meditate quietly while enjoying a beautiful opportunity to take myself deeper. However, as the delay grows longer and longer, chaotic judgmental energies begin to fester and boil inside of my soul. 

“Keith should ask the women to be quiet … or to work faster … or to take their cacao beans somewhere else in the yard.” My emotions begin to whine uncontrollably. 

“At least Keith could have the courtesy to announce to the group that we are taking a one-hour break so that I could leave and come back.” The whining voices in my head continue churning. 

“This is rude and unprofessional.” I begin to pout to myself with a feeling of pompous judgment. 

By now, I am emotionally lost. As I look around the porch, no one else shows any signs of annoyance. This only serves to make me more confused.

Painful Sounds 

Soon, as the extremely chaotic energies completely overwhelm me, I begin to feel quite confused by the bizarre onslaught of what I perceive as physical vibrating pain. Every sound that echoes through the porch – and the porch is indeed very noisy – seems to send tremors of painful energy through my soul. I literally feel as if I am a punching bag, and that each sound is an angry fist, pounding me over and over. 

The sense of physical assault by the energies is profound as I finally climb into Keith’s large green camping chair and curl up. I can no longer hold back the stream of tears as I succumb to the overwhelming and painful attack of energies. 

“I know this is all my creation – simply designed to teach me something.” I whisper to Peter as he sees my tears and comes over to comfort me. 

Seconds later, Anton also joins me, doubling the amount of masculine energy that is now assisting me. 

Baffled by the extreme and confusing depth of the emotions flowing through me, I sink deeper into numbness as I attempt to muffle the tears that continue to stream slowly down my cheeks. 

Shocking Words 

As the women picking up cacao beans finally leave the porch, Keith returns and resumes working with the young man from Guatemala City – momentarily ignoring the emotional mess in which I now find myself. 

A few minutes later, Keith turns his head and makes eye contact with me as Anton and Peter continue to provide me with loving energy. Recognizing that Keith is waiting for me to speak, I gather my energy and begin to verbalize my dilemma. 

“I’m literally falling apart with all of the chaotic energies that I feel bombarding and attacking me.” I exclaim to Keith through tears that now unleash even stronger. 

“That is what happened to you when you were three years old.” Keith shocks me with his reply. “That is what caused you to shut down the magical theme park. Since you could not handle the onslaught of negative confusing energies, you totally shut everything down.” 

Immediately I recognize the beauty in what has taken place over the previous hour – that the entire scenario has been a synchronous setup to take me to my next lesson of personally experiencing emotions from my past. It never ceases to amaze me how Keith’s behavior so perfectly follows the healing energies of my Higher Self. 

Energy Chaos 

I suddenly recognize a common thread to many of my past emotional struggles. Countless times in my life I have experienced the overwhelming feeling of sheer chaos amid what feels to me like an attack by confusing energies. Whenever I have encountered such energies – and I can think of several times in just the last few months – I have a strong desire to shut down, to run away, and to avoid.  

It feels great as I finally begin to have clarity regarding these energies. 

Childhood Psychic Abuse

 “But I had such a loving childhood.” I protest to Keith as he goes deeper into telling me about the intense psychic abuse that I went through as a child. 

“Brenda,” Keith responds, “you were a very magical child, filled with divine light and genuine powerful connections to higher energies.” 

“What happens to a young child who speaks the truth?” Keith asks a pointed question. “What happens when that truth embarrasses the parents, or does not align with their own deeply cherished belief systems?” 

“No,” Keith continues to reassure me, “your parents and church leaders did not verbally abuse your magic and your innocence in a visible or physical way, but their underlying spiritual energies and beliefs did abuse and program you against your will, forcing you to sacrifice the truth that you knew inside.” 

Keith again emphasizes that it was a psychic attack, done energetically, probably not even consciously – an attack of judgmental and cultural energies – of confusing beliefs about a God that would punish me, of pressure to conform and to obey in ways that did not ring true to my heart, and of subtle threats of rejection if I did not let go of my magic and conform to the consensus reality that was being forced upon me in the name of God and goodness. 

“When you have a real and genuine connection to the divine,” Keith adds, “it literally feels like you are being killed when that connection is being psychically severed by well-meaning adults.” 

“Today has been a beautiful re-creation of the pain that you felt at age three when you locked the doors of the theme park and turned off all of the lights.” Keith continues teaching me. “But your magic was not destroyed. It is still there, being guarded by you in a place where others have not been allowed to enter – where it has been kept safe.” 

Could It Be? 

I continue to partially resist Keith’s words. 

Yes, I know that the re-created emotional shutdown I just experienced was indeed real. 

Yes, my heart powerfully resonates true, telling me that this shutdown did indeed begin before my earliest of childhood memories. 

But, nonetheless, the fact that I have no conscious memories of it happening still causes reasonable doubt to form. If I am honest with myself, however, I do have confusing memories of many times being quite angry and rebellious – memories of throwing tantrums and crying excessively, feeling victimized by unreasonable treatment and structure. 

“Could it really be?” I ponder to myself. “I have absolutely no memory of this shutdown process – yet Keith’s words ring powerfully true at an energetic level.” 

Return to Me 

“There is an energy around you – a part of you that wants to come back to you.” Keith soon tells me. 

I can only assume it is the same energy that I tried to bring back earlier in the week, but was unable to fully embrace because of internal resistance. 

“Where is it?” I ask with curiosity, as I am still not fully tuned in to such energies. 

“Right in front of your forehead.” Keith replies with confidence. 

For the next thirty minutes Keith coaches me as I attempt to bring this energy back in. I struggle with doubt and feelings of inadequacy as I attempt to facilitate the process with the help of rational mind. Finally, I feel as if I have indeed established a small filament of a link – just enough to allow a tiny flow of this energy back into my heart. I sense the flow ever so faintly – but it is strong enough to help me believe that it is really happening. 

Sharp Sternum Pain 

As the energy slowly flows, I again feel a sharp pain at the center of my sternum, right at the exact spot where I felt the energy connect. This is the third time this week in which I have felt this puzzling energy – an energy that feels like something stabbing me right in the heart. 

For the next thirty minutes, Keith works with me in meditation to gradually increase the flow, after which we put the process on autopilot. 

“The energy might flow for as long as eighteen hours or more.” Keith coaches me. “All you have to do is check in periodically to make sure it is still flowing – and then don’t worry about it.” 

Birthday Blessings 

My birthday ends with a delightful treat of a different kind. Isaias, Keith’s wonderful helper and now my dear friend, invites me to dinner at a local restaurant. Keith and several others also join us. 

While at the restaurant, another friend walks up and provides me with some amazing feedback. 

“As I bump into people around town,” my friend tells me, “lots of people tell me about your powerful presence on Keith’s porch – talking about the amazing energy gifts that you are developing.” 

I love the gift of a delicious meal from Isaias, the gift of amazing friendship from Keith and the others gathered with me, and the gift of beautiful feedback from my friend. 

But my favorite birthday gift is a much deeper understanding that I do indeed have an amazing magical theme park living somewhere inside of me – that the control center for that theme park is a magic wand that also resides within, currently being kept safe by my little inner child – that the theme park was shut down for protection and preservation when I was a child being programmed to be a conforming citizen. 

Best of all is the birthday awareness that this magical theme park is untarnished, ready and waiting for me – waiting for me to clear away the emotional densities that continue to keep it buried – waiting for me to wake up to the truth – waiting for me to fully believe in myself. 

It now seems quite clear to me that no magic has ever been withheld from me. Instead, the magic has always been present inside, just waiting for me to wake up to who I really am. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

As I contemplate deep frustration over rapidly falling behind in my writing, I weigh two options. It is Saturday morning, March 5, my dear friend Rae’s final day in San Marcos. I can either spend a final day building memories with her, or I can bury my nose in my writing. The decision is easy; writing will simply have to wait for another few days. 

After spending a beautiful morning of talking, packing, and energy sharing, Rae and I hop into a boat headed across the lake to San Pedro. She wants to get film footage of us arriving via boat at the dock in San Marcos, and the only way to do that is to leave and then come back. 

While in San Pedro, the two of us enjoy a delightful brunch at a small restaurant with a gorgeous view of the lake. To my surprise, Rae whips out her video camera and proceeds to interview me yet again, capturing even more raw footage of my thoughts and feelings.  

By early afternoon, Rae and I share our last boat ride together. As we near San Marcos, she begins to capture final video sequences – people jumping from the diving platform on the side of a nearby hill, our boat coasting through tall reeds as it pulls up to a rickety wooden dock, and a small group of local boys eagerly crowding the boat, seeking to earn small tips by guiding incoming tourists to various spots around San Marcos. 

Relaxing Through Chaos 

Deep emotional honesty is a huge heartfelt blessing as Rae and I share final discussions and magical energy throughout the short afternoon. 

In the meantime, I begin to feel considerable panic. I had asked Rae if she would like to have some sort of going away dinner. We decided that a small quiet potluck here at the house would be fun. 

Then comes the dilemma. For very good reasons, Rae does not feel particularly inclined to want to be in charge of her own farewell dinner – and one of my biggest nightmares is trying to play hostess in organizing a dinner party. 

After inviting a few guests, our enthusiasm fizzles and we both make a pact to simply enjoy whatever happens – no matter how unorganized and chaotic the evening might seem, we are not going to worry or fret – we are simply going to enjoy whatever unfolds. 

My contribution to the small dinner will be quite simple – a pot of beans and some rice. I feel quite insecure about my cooking skills and very self-conscious about my meager contribution. In spite of the fact that my beans take forever to cook, I somehow manage to relax and go with the flow – deciding that no matter what happens all will be well. 

File Sharing Worries 

For several weeks, Rae and I have planned to share files with each other prior to her departure, but inevitably, we waited until her final afternoon in San Marcos before beginning. 

To my frustration, Isaias shows up a couple of hours before the party and completely consumes all of Rae’s time, coaxing her to give him raw video footage for his own computer. By the time the evening dinner party begins, I have not yet had one opportunity to begin sharing files with my dear friend. 

In spite of a late and extremely relaxed start, the potluck dinner turns into a beautiful experience – a wonderful teaching opportunity for me, showing me that my earlier worries were silly and that everything turned out amazing without my needing to fret or panic. 

But it is during and after the party that my anxiety again begins to peak. Suddenly, several guests express desires to see and to get various copies of Rae’s photos before she leaves. One friend runs home to get a memory stick while Keith whips out his laptop computer with his own intentions. The evening drags on and on as the clock ticks away. 

“I will never have the opportunity to do my own file sharing with Rae.” I whisper to myself with a feeling of victimization. 

My sinking heart overflows with frustration as I watch what is unfolding around me. I can sense Rae’s annoyance about having her final even consumed by the requests of others, while I begin to sink into shutdown and confusion about my own needs and desires being pushed onto the back burner, most likely to be forgotten and ignored. I feel like an unwanted houseguest in my own home. 

After Keith does a quick exchange of files with Rae, he suddenly decides that he wants copies of over forty very-long video files that Rae has on her hard drive – videos that I had already heard him previously tell Rae that he was not at all interested in having. It seems quite strange, but the thought crosses through my mind that Keith is requesting these videos simply to annoy me – simply following his own internal guidance in a way that will teach me a lesson about myself. 

As I express my frustration to Keith, telling him that I am flustered that everyone else is taking Rae’s time and that I will probably not be able to copy my own files, his response totally floors me. 

“You should have started a few days ago rather then waiting until the last minute.” Keith responds coldly. 

I resist my first reactive thought – a deep desire to reach out and slap my dear friend and teacher. It is so obvious that he himself has also waited until the last minute. 

“How dare he turn that around on me!” I pout quietly to myself. 

Pattern Recognition 

As Keith’s files begin to copy, they creep and crawl, progressing ever so slowly. It appears that the process will literally take hours, and Keith casually indicates with a smile that he is willing to wait up until the copies are done. 

In the meantime, Rae puts on some music and several people get up to begin dancing. I try to join them, but my heart is in complete shutdown mode, begging me to isolate, to run away and hideout in my room. I am angry, hurt, victimized, and rebellious – yet the observer inside of me refuses to sink to the bottom. I quietly recognize an old behavioral pattern surfacing. 

Beautiful Turn Around 

I will not allow myself to be victimized; instead I will re-center myself and create a new reality. Almost immediately I isolate myself – but rather than running into my room and closing the door, I lie down on the daybed in the living room, sink into a meditative state, and begin to play with the energies in my hands. 

The flow of energy from one hand to the other totally surprises me. As I point the fingers of one hand at the other hand, I can actually feel little energy tickles in the fingers and palm of the receiving hand, even when that hand is a couple of feet away. I feel quite mesmerized by my state of internal peace and by the energy that I feel flowing through me. 

As Keith continues to request more files from Rae, I lovingly interrupt and explain to him that Rae and I had already scheduled that we would spend tonight copying files for each other. 

“Then I better stop right now and let you do that.” Keith responds with beautiful politeness – a complete turnaround from his previous response when I had complained from a spiritually-disconnected state of frustration. 

“No, you continue to work with Rae,” I respond peacefully, “while I begin to clear space from my own external hard drive. Once I clear space, you can stop your copying. If there are files that you don’t have time to get, I will copy them onto my drive and give them to you later.” 

The answer seems so easy, so obvious, and so peaceful – an answer that was so utterly impossible only an hour earlier. 

Fragmented File Scattering 

In the meantime, I feel deeply guided to share a little file system insight with Keith and Rae – explaining to them why their copy process is going so incredibly slow. I even throw in a comment explaining that I worked for many years as one of the primary software engineers in architecting and programming a very complicated network file system during my previous left-brained employment. 

“You are trying to copy too many files all at once.”  I explain casually. “Imagine that you have a small automatic cannon loaded with one thousand water balloons. Further imagine that you have ten targets and that you want to shoot one hundred water balloons at each target.” 

“Assuming that each target represents a file, which do you think would be faster?” I ask, giving them two options. 

The first option is to aim and shoot one balloon at a time, switching targets in between every balloon. In the one thousand shots, there would be one thousand intervals where targets are switched and time is taken to re-aim. 

The second option is to aim at the first target and then shoot one hundred balloons in rapid succession before switching. Next, the cannon can be moved to the second target and re-aimed for the next one hundred rapid fire shots. The entire one thousand water balloons would only require switching targets and re-aiming a total of ten times. 

We soon cancel all of the parallel file copies and instead initiate a serial sequence of only one file copy at a time. Shortly after I have space cleared on my own hard drive, Keith’s first copy sequence finishes. Then Rae and I switch into plan B. 

Peaceful Reality Check 

Thirty minutes later, well after all party guests have gone home, Rae and I have copied literally everything I want, including virtually everything else that Keith wanted too.  

Both Rae and I are delighted to have a final hour of peaceful quiet, energy sharing, cuddling, and heart-felt conversation together before retiring. 

I have learned a powerful lesson about myself. When I am in a disconnected energy of chaos and frustration – that is what gets reflected back to me. When I center myself in divine energies – the world reflects love and peace. 

There is no doubt that I created my own reality this evening, and that Keith was simply honoring me throughout the entire time, responding to my own energy, showing me my own reflection, assisting me in a yet another powerful lesson of love and growth. 

Tearful Transition 

After a delightful shared breakfast, Rae and I take a short Sunday morning stroll up a little cobblestone path, winding back and forth between buildings toward the center of town. My heart begins to break as the little tourist shuttle pulls up at 9:30 a.m.. The driver hurriedly secures and covers Rae’s backpack up on the roof rack before encouraging her to quickly take the only remaining empty seat on the back row of the small van. 

Before I have even a moment to think, the van is rushing away down the road while Rae waves out the back window. 

Another friend, Anjili, had unexpectedly shown up only a minute earlier. As she walks me back to my apartment, my heart unexpectedly aches as tears begin to flow. 

“I’m going to miss her deeply.” I whisper to Anjili as I struggle to get the words out between muffled tears. 

Even now, as I write about this experience almost seven weeks later, the tears of emotion pour down my cheeks as I again say goodbye to an amazing friend that will always hold a very deep and special place in my heart. I now recognize that on that beautiful first Sunday of March, I had not fully allowed myself to grieve. Those unexpressed emotions are now finding a much needed release. 

I love you Rae … I am forever grateful for the amazing seven weeks that we spent together, and I know with all of my heart that our paths will definitely cross again. A beautiful piece of your heart continues to resonate inside of my own. 

Instant Manifestation 

As Sunday morning proceeds to unfold, I continue to recognize that everything around me seems to be manifesting instantaneously. First, Anjili unexpectedly shows up at the exact moment when I need someone to briefly hug. 

Then, more than an hour later, I carry a large empty propane tank to the center of town, desperately needing new cooking gas. Rae and I had only giggled the night before when the propane had unexpectedly run out at the very end of the party. 

At the exact moment in which I am contemplating how I will get this very heavy and awkward tank back to my apartment, a beautiful young friend named River walks up, lifts the tank onto his shoulder, and offers to carry it for me.  

Both Anjili and River showed up in my life at exactly the moments and places where I needed them. Everything around me in my life seems to be happening in perfect balance, bringing me exactly what I need, precisely when I need it. These last two incidences seem to be added for extra emphasis. 

My heart cries out with joy, “This is so much more than mere coincidence.” 

Small Group – Perfect Group 

As the Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony begins to shape up, I am shocked by the unusually small turnout – besides Keith, there are only three of us: me, Anton, and Vanessa. Rather than question and be concerned with the small turnout, I immediately look in the mirror and ask: “Why did I create such a small group today, and why did I invite these exact people to be present?” I cannot wait to discover the answers. I will explore today as if the entire experience is created by me, for me. 

Silent Struggles 

As with last Thursday, the session begins with a very uncharacteristic hour of complete silence. 

“Why am I creating this silence?” I ask to myself as the anxiety begins to build. 

I take note that silence in a group has often been a deep source of anxiety for me. I want to be doing ‘real’ healing work and silence seems like such a waste of time. 

Then I recognize why the silence fosters anxiety. In silence, all of my suppressed inner chaos and chatter is provided with a playground in which to flourish – a playground filled with doubt, negative self talk, and memories of past anxieties. I begin to feel very overwhelmed by the silence, realizing that noise and activity have always been a very welcome distraction to these unwelcome taunting voices. 

Meditative Insights 

Even in the midst of the silent struggles, I do manage to connect with additional insights. As I contemplate the chaos that I feel, I recognize that I have a deeply rooted fear of losing control – of letting something other than rational mind be in charge of the flow of my being. 

“This is why I have been so obsessed with thoughts of perhaps needing the help of a substance to take me into an altered state of reality.” I think to myself. “My rational mind is so rooted in the driver’s seat that it will not step aside long enough for me to have a more profound experience in the right-brained realms.” 

Then my mind wanders again into my strange inability to relax and sleep when touching the energy field of another. This too seems to be an issue of fear and control, of being afraid to enter into the world of sleep while another’s energy is so close, so threatening. 

I again reminisce that even in my twenty-year marriage, I usually had to demand that my half of the bed be respected. I was so desperate for sleep that I had to set up boundaries to protect my physical space so that I could hopefully relax and doze off into dreamland without being touched. 

Eventually, I intuitively realize that if I am creating my own reality, then that reality must be waiting for me to speak. I open my mouth, interrupt the meditation, and explain to Keith where my mind has taken me during the last hour. 

Keith listens intently and then takes my sharing to a slightly deeper level, reminding me of just how sensitive I am to the energy of others – that I am able (though I still don’t fully understand how) to read the energy of others. 

“When you feel the energy of others around you,” Keith lovingly suggests, “part of you experiences a sense of obligation to be present with that energy, to respond and to attend to it. Perhaps that is why you cannot sleep when attached to the energy of others?” 

Hoover Dam 

“Close your eyes, walk down a staircase, stroll down a hallway, and step through a doorway.” Keith guides me into a very familiar meditation into my subconscious mind. 

“What do you find?” Keith asks, after giving me a few minutes to complete my internal journey. 

“I feel as if I am at the top of a large dam … something very tall like Hoover Dam,” I begin. “I feel as if I am at the top of the spillway, snagged on some type of debris or barbed wire. I feel as if water is flowing past me, racing down the spillway before crashing into the river at the bottom far below.” 

I explain to Keith that I feel as if the dam and spillway represent my ability to surrender to the energies – to lose control – to let go of the world as I know it and to move on to new territory below. 

At the same time, from my present vantage point, I see the process of letting go as terrifying, extremely dangerous – something that could literally take my life and destroy me. 

“Find a stairway that leads down the dam, perhaps adjacent to the spillway itself.” Keith begins to guide me in the next phase of my meditation. 

“Climb down the stairway and let me know when you reach the bottom.” Keith adds calmly. 

When I find myself at the bottom of the spillway, the waters crashing down from above are raging with intensity. I feel the powerful roar of ear-shattering, life-threatening energy – recognizing that if I were to slip into those out-of-control currents that I could easily lose my life. 

In The Flow 

“Take a short walk downstream, away from the dam, and find a raft.” Keith picks up the meditation. “Begin to float down the river and see where it takes you.” 

Soon, I feel myself floating down gentle rapids and calm currents, drifting in the cool afternoon shade of tall and towering red-rock canyon walls. I feel as if I am literally floating into the Grand Canyon itself. I make no attempt to steer the raft. I am simply in the flow, allowing the energies to take me where they will. 

“Get off the raft and climb onto a tiny island.” Keith soon guides me. “Once you are on dry land, walk to the upstream end of the little island and sit down in the water, simply allowing the flow of the river to move into you and around you. Relax and allow.” 

Receiving Love 

As I begin focusing on surrender and allowing, I suddenly feel someone’s hands gently touching my feet. I peek through the slits of barely opened eyes and discover that Vanessa has decided to provide me with loving energetic support. 

Almost immediately, I start to feel deeply distracted from my process, beginning to judge my friend for attempting to help me without first asking for my permission. As I am about to open my mouth and lovingly thank her but ask her to stop, the intuitions suddenly hit me. 

“This is a perfect example of how other peoples’ energy distracts me and keeps me from being able to focus or surrender to higher energies.” I think to myself. 

Then I remember how for five years I made almost weekly trips into the mountains to commune with nature and to connect with divine energies. While I tried several times, I found it utterly impossible to meditate if a friend was on the trip with me. Even if she was one hundred feet away, hiding behind a tree, I could not detach from her energy. I rarely allowed anyone to join me on those sacred outings. 

“It is time to allow this unexpected energy guest, and to see just where it might take me.” I ponder while allowing Vanessa to continue sharing her loving energetic support. 

Soon I know exactly why I created my reality to include Vanessa in the group today. As I simultaneously continue surrendering to the flow of events in both the meditative realm and in the physical world, my eyes begin to well up with tears of deep emotion. 

“I don’t allow myself to receive from others.” I ponder as the tears intensify and begin to gently stream down my cheeks. “I feel such a deep passion about giving, but rarely allow myself to receive love in return.” 

Gratitude swells in my heart for Vanessa’s presence on Keith’s magical porch. 

An Invisible Shield 

Back in my mediation, as I imagine the energetic currents of the river flowing against my chest, I sense the presence of something blocking the flow of energies into my body. I literally feel as if I have some type of invisible shield covering my chest and my abdomen, keeping the Universal energies out, desperately trying to protect me from what something inside perceives as destructive energies. I physically feel as if a huge weight is pressing in on my chest and abdomen, reminding me of the resisted onrush of energy that desires to flow through me. 

Almost immediately, my mind is again guided to the metaphor of a scared puppy hiding in my chest, shaking with terror at the energy that desires to enter. 

“Allow the waters to dissolve the shield.” Keith briefly interjects. 

I Soon feel as if the shield is indeed deteriorating, dissolving and weakening, eroding under the influence of the gentle energetic currents. As the shield disappears, an intense feeling of sharpness seems to stab me in the center of my heart chakra – a familiar feeling that gets ignored for now. 

Pride-less Plea 

The currents seem to have strengthened, as have the final elements of my resistance – resistance that still hangs on with desperation. 

“I don’t know why, but I feel as I am supposed to ask Anton for some more help.” I finally blurt out during a moment of increased helplessness. “I don’t know what he needs to do for me, but I do know that I need to ask.” 

Even though I still find myself strongly resisting a deeper re-connection with Anton, I swallow my pride and allow the flow of my Higher Self to guide me. 

Dissolving Sand – Shared Pain 

Seconds later, Anton is holding my feet. To my utter surprise Anton soon begins to cringe and moan with deep and periodic pain.  

Simultaneously, I begin to experience what I can only describe as slightly unpleasant clumps of sand rising in my abdomen – seeming imaginary clumps that quickly dissolve and wash away in the currents of the energetic river that flows through me. My sand-pile-like pain is only moderate, just strong enough to make me aware of its presence – just strong enough to make me want to let it go. 

It does not take rocket science to quickly figure out that the clumps of sand washing away in my belly are precisely timed with Anton’s deep expression of pain that is occasionally quite agonizing and intense. I rapidly deduce that Anton is experiencing my own deeply-rooted, stuffed-and-buried emotions. Keith and Anton quickly validate my intuitions. 

“With everything you release,” Anton confirms, “I feel a very deep sense of the emotional pain associated with it.” 

I am blown away by how powerfully Anton seems to be feeling my own emotional densities. Other than the fact that my little sand clumps are emotions being transmuted, I am clueless as to their nature or their origin. Were it not for Anton’s unique connection to my energy, I might simply discount the entire process as being quite meaningless. 

In my confused state of shock, a part of me is somewhat happy that Anton is feeling the pain of my emotions while I am not having to do so myself. 

“Perhaps this is the Universe’s way of helping him better understand me and the deep emotional struggles of my past.” I ponder briefly. 

No Rational Explanation 

But I quickly move beyond the ego-based ‘why’ of this ongoing and unique energy connection that exists between Anton and me. As the process continues, rational mind is completely disengaged. There is no way I could logically explain anything that is transpiring, and I simply give up attempting to do so, knowing that what I am experiencing is definitely real and indescribable. 

The powerful and instantaneous feedback from both within and outside of my own body is profound, building a deep appreciation and trust of what is happening to me and through me. 

Faster Please 

The flow of densities seems to go on forever. 

“How much density do I still have in here?” I ask Keith with shock as the emotional densities continue to rise and to release. 

“Yeah,” Anton adds with his own version of relief-seeking concern, “how much more will I have to feel over here? This is intense and painful.”

“Ask your Higher Self to help you do it faster.” Keith coaches me. 

I make a concentrated effort to connect more deeply with my heart, knowing that unconditional love will most certainly facilitate the ongoing process. I notice that the flow seems to intuitively feel a little faster, but the process continues to go on forever. 

“Surely, two hours must have definitely passed by now.” I think to myself as the process drags on and on. I can only imagine the agony that Anton is experiencing regarding how long this is taking. 

Deep gratitude flows through my heart as I briefly reconnect with the fact that I am clearly creating my reality. Everything on the porch today seems to be revolving perfectly around my process – and the exact people that I need are here helping. 

File System Revisited 

“Quit trying to do it one emotional density at a time.” Keith again adds a puzzling comment. 

“Lump a whole series of densities together into a file,” Keith clarifies, “and release the whole file all at once.” 

As I bring in this new metaphor, further disconnecting myself from the emotional contents of what I am releasing, I intuitively feel another level of ‘speed-up’, but the process still seems to be taking an incredibly long time as Anton continues to moan with frequent pain. 

Remembering last night’s deep discussion of file systems, I begin to imagine myself going deeply into multiple file system metaphors – playing with entire directory trees – adjusting block sizes – and the like. 

“You don’t need to know or understand each individual density.” Keith interjects firmly and dramatically. “Just let the densities all go at once.” 

I remember many times in the past when I desired to clean out the contents of my computer disc. Invariably, I took the time to go down into each individual directory tree, carefully checking the contents of anything and everything before taking the risk of blindly deleting what was nestled inside. I wanted to make sure that I did not inadvertently erase something that I might want back at a later time. 

As I continue meditating on the now-rapidly-flowing densities, I imagine myself removing hidden and read-only bits from entire directory structures, then clicking on “yes to all” when prompted as to whether I want to obliterate the entire contents of what lies below. 

Still, the densities continue flowing – faster albeit – but still flowing. 

The idea of ripping out the entire hard drive passes through my mind, but something tells me I still need the disc drive itself, I simply want to fill it with light rather than emotional density. I then try to imagine myself reformatting the disc with light, blindly removing all contents with pure abandon – trusting my Higher Self to not allow anything that I might need to be unwittingly lost. 

Still the densities continue flowing. 

Complete Surrender 

Finally completely giving up on trying to ‘do’ anything at all with rational mind, I simply surrender; I have tried everything and still the energy continues to flow. In total humility, I merely ask the light to do what it needs to do, giving it no further instructions whatsoever. 

For the remainder of an amazing Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony, I simply sit in mediation, watching and feeling the energies flow through my body, merely trusting that I need do nothing. 

A Density Lesson 

Eventually, as 7:00 p.m. comes and goes, the energy flows cease. 

Today turns out to be an amazing lesson for me that not all emotional densities need to be felt on an individual level. 

Yes, Keith reiterates that some of them must be exposed, dissected, and healed in a very tedious manner. These are the ones that contain my biggest growth lessons – the lessons that will teach me to eventually assist others in their own process. 

But no, not all emotional densities are of that teaching nature. Some can be released without any trauma drama or fanfare. 

Today Keith has guided me into learning that higher energies can indeed be used to transmute huge amounts of density without my needing to have any clue whatsoever regarding the nature or quantity of that density. 

I consider it a huge blessing that Anton was there to show me physically how the density being released was indeed real and quite painful. 

The World Is A Stage 

As Anton walks me home, my mind is again deeply immersed in another round of reality checks. I am blown away by how events in my life continue to revolve increasingly around my individual healing path. Today’s chocolate ceremony is yet another beautiful example staring back at me in the mirror. 

After devouring a quick plate of spaghetti, I logon to face book and post a quick status – a status that to this day still boggles my mind: 

“Wow – it blows me away how the Universe seems to be constantly showing me what Shakespeare said – that the world is a stage and everyone has their part. On a daily/hourly basis things continue to manifest in my life that seem perfectly orchestrated as being exactly what I need for my healing and growth in any particular moment – I love life …” 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved