Brenda's Bicycles

As I sit isolated in my living room, a beautiful loving face appears at my doorway.

“We’re going out to Keith’s to buy some chocolate.” C.J. surprises me. “Would you like to walk with us?”

How can I say no to such a delightful invitation as that?

It is early afternoon on New Years Day. After a beautiful midnight ceremony at the pyramids I had gotten up early to push my way through the final phase of a powerful year-end writing marathon – finishing off a long detailed post of photos – adding a final touch of visual color to my now-well-documented healing journey. As I am less than twenty minutes away from hitting the publish button, C.J.’s unexpected interruption is both timely and welcome. Yes, I am exhausted and desperately need to stretch my legs. I am excited to fill my tired lungs with fresh mountain air.

As we begin to walk, I am quite surprised as others join us. Soon there are seven of us strolling along the jungle-lined cobblestone road leading out to my favorite magical porch. Small feelings begin to whisper, “This is not just a quick visit to buy chocolate. We are going to have some fun this afternoon.”

Knots of Pain

Keith becomes quite the impromptu host, graciously accommodating our giggling group. Not seeming the least bit bothered to have his space invaded on his day off, Keith is soon serving each of us a delicious bowl of homemade ice cream – a mixture of frozen bananas and raw cacao nibs run through a juicer, topped with vanilla, agave nectar, and cinnamon.

Delicious would be an understatement.

“I have a pinched nerve deep in my shoulder.” One of the women casually mentions to Keith.

Almost immediately, the tone of our afternoon is set – a delightful four hours of socializing, combined with a touch of deep intuitive body work.

Keith never ceases to amaze me. Yes, I already knew that he had spent fifteen years as a body worker, but I had never seen that aspect of Keith’s personality in action. Minutes later, foam pads are spread out on the ground, the woman is lying on her side, and Keith is demonstrating to all of us how to manipulate the shoulder in such as way that the scapula actually massages the inner part of the shoulder muscles.

But it is what happens next that stirs my imagination. Keith begins to help the woman intuitively connect with the emotional and energetic reasons behind the various physical pains that are going on in her shoulder and spine.

I wish I could focus more of my attention on what Keith is doing – but an even bigger blessing is headed my way.

A deeply-intuitive woman – a university student in Traditional Chinese Medicine – just happens to be one of the other amazing people who have synchronously gathered on Keith’s porch. This beautiful young Canadian woman, Nada is her name, just recently completed her clinical hours and is preparing to graduate from an extensive multi-year course of studies, ready to take on the healing world with vibrant passion.

I innocently mention that my own shoulders and neck are extremely tight after three weeks of intense writing focus. Very soon, Nada’s gifted hands are pressing on hidden knots in my neck – performing some of the deepest and most intense massage work that I have ever previously experienced.

The pain is agonizing, increasing with each round of deepening pressure. Each time Nada squeezes down on what she calls “calcified marbles,” I clear my mind and bring mental focus to my breath. Somehow I manage to suppress an inner desire to scream.

A strong inner intuition guides me to surrender, reassuring me that Nada is a master at what she does and that her deep tissue work will bring powerful results. The pain is all I can bear. I want to beg Nada to stop her torture – but the peaceful heart-knowing of inner intuition continues to guide me into a deeper state of allowing.

“I am getting really nauseas in my solar plexus.” I mention to Nada while she continues round after round of painful release on these calcified lumps in my neck.

“You will probably experience a couple of days of very unusual digestive activity.” Nada responds. “There are a lot of emotional toxins stored in these lumps.”

Deep intuitions whisper that these are indeed deeply held toxins – emotional toxins that have been physically stored in my neck for years, perhaps decades. As much as I do not look forward to a few days of digestive unsettledness, I eagerly allow Nada to continue stimulating my toxic waste dump.

“Would you like me to use needles?” Nada asks innocently.

“Yes.” I naively respond, expecting a little round of typical acupuncture.

Wow am I ever in for another surprise! Soon, Nada is sticking needles one-half-inch deep into the middle of these calcified knots, wiggling the needles, up and down, back and forth, stimulating blood flow in these locked-away, tightly-squeezed, emotional storage bins. Again I trust peaceful intuitions while breathing in a focused manner – all in a desperate attempt to mask the pain.

Roommate from Down-Under

To my surprise, after polishing off my photo posting on New Years Night, I discover a Facebook message from my friend Jody – a woman I met during my Sun Course – a friend who had started her own Sun Course on the very day that I graduated from mine. Responding to her heart, Jody had booked a one-way New-Years-Day flight from Australia to Los Angeles – still not knowing what she would do next. Later that same afternoon, in response to several synchronous events in the LAX airport, Jody followed internal guidance and purchased an 11:35 p.m. ticket for Guatemala.

“Brenda,” Jody’s message said, “I should arrive at the lake by mid-day on Sunday. Can I crash at your place again?”

Revenge of the Intestines

Drinking lots of water becomes my number one priority – but even so, the intense toxicity that has been released into my system focuses its rage back into my solar plexus – creating cramping and light nausea, along with intense and unpleasant explosions of smelly gas.

I am grateful for the deep tissue work that Nada had performed on my neck and shoulders, but by Sunday morning I begin to question the rational-mind wisdom of having allowed such work to progress as it did.

“Could Nada have done some damage?” I ask myself in a brief moment of fear. “Were her needles properly sterilized? Could she have hurt me in some way that I will regret?”

Even in the midst of this rational mind rebellion, my heart remains calm and peaceful, gently reminding me that inspiration guided me through the entire process.

“Trust … relax … allow … surrender.” My heart whispers while sending the loving messages to both my head and to my intestines.

Party Processing

For me, the Sunday afternoon session with Keith is less-than-stellar. A miserable tummy will not allow me to engage with enthusiasm or focus. Keith lovingly reassures me that his intuitions confirm my own – that there is absolutely nothing out of place in the physical arena – that Nada’s deep tissue work simply helped to uncover the next layer of emotional densities on which I need to focus.

After shedding a few tears – tears of emotional exhaustion – my tummy feels slightly better, but the only desire of my heart is to go home. I want to crash.

I briefly linger on Keith’s porch, hoping for the opportunity to ask a few questions – but before I do so, Keith leans over, taps me on the knee, makes brief eye contact, and asks a question of his own.

“Brenda,” Keith begins, “an author friend of mine stopped by this morning and invited me to a party at her home tonight. She has a beautiful home just up the road, but only lives here part of the year.”

“I was wondering,” Keith continued, “If you would be interested in tagging along – strictly social of course. This would be a great opportunity for you to meet many of the older, more established people in San Marcos. It will be quite the different crowd from the young travelers that we see so frequently.

“Thanks, but I just don’t feel up to it.” I reply with a ready-made excuse. “On another night I would love to be more social … but my tummy is still uncomfortable and I am so emotionally exhausted.”

“Besides,” I continue, “Jody will probably be waiting for me at my house. I need to be home tonight. I need to be there for her – to visit and to make sure she is OK etc…”

Keith quickly responds with a comment that emotionally pokes me in the ribs, reminding me that I am putting the needs of other’s above my own.

“Do you think I need to be at the party tonight?” I ask inquisitively, hoping for some type of inspired answer.

“Whoa”, Keith smiles with his hands in the air. “That is not for me to know. I only know that I felt guided to extend the invitation. The rest is up to you. I’m not sure how long Joyce will be here, but if she stays for a while there will most likely be other opportunities for you to meet her.”

Under the mask of exhaustion, my fears get the best of me, I again tell Keith “thanks but no thanks”, and I head for home.

True To Myself

It only takes me about thirty minutes of stewing in my own emotions before inner guidance kicks me enough to get my attention.

“Quit worrying about Jody or about your tummy,” the Jedi voices whisper loudly, “do what is right for you … stretch your wings a little and fly … go to the party.”

Having already polished off a half plate of rice and beans, I slide the remaining food into the fridge and start to write a note. Darkness is beginning to fall and Jody has still not arrived from Guatemala City.

“Jody, I’m not sure if you are in town or if you still need to crash here tonight …” I begin, “but since I haven’t heard from you I have decided to take advantage of an opportunity to attend a party tonight …”

I feel deeply proud of myself for making a decision that is all about me – about putting my own needs and intuitions first.

But at that exact moment, even before I finish the note, Jody walks up onto my porch, her backpack still on her back.

My emotions momentarily sag as I think to myself “I guess I am not going to the party after all.”

After giving Jody a quick hug, I tell her about the note I was just writing – but quickly add that I will stay home to visit now that she has arrived.

“Oh no you won’t!” Jody scolds me. “You need to go to that party. I can take care of myself and you need to do what is best for you.”

Thanks to a beautiful friend, I was stopped short from running an old pattern of sacrificing myself for what I believed to be the needs of another.

Party Delight

To my delight, Jody asks if she can walk with me out to Keith’s, just to say hello and to give him a hug. I giggle at how things work out. Just a few minutes later, Keith has asked Jody to join us at the party. My energy levels are up, my intestines have settled somewhat, and the three of us are strolling up a small dirt road headed in the direction of Tzunaná.

If Jody and I had delayed ten additional minutes, we would have missed Keith completely. Now the three off us are off to a fun evening – an adventure that might have terrified me if Jody had not been there at my side.

As I step into Joyce’s beautiful home – a beautiful home at the base of a steep hill right on the edge of the lake – Keith begins to make introductions. I recognize a few slightly-familiar faces, but feel like a fish out of water. Swallowing the lumps in my throat and plowing through awkward social fears, I hold my head high and graciously shake hands.

Soon, Keith is off greeting others while Jody and I hang back, finding a few outdoor chairs with an amazing nighttime view of Lake Atitlan. Had I been alone I would most likely have melted into fear-mode by now – making up some lame excuse about feeling tired and needing to go home early to get some rest.

As fate would have it, we all have a delightful time. Jody and I engage in fun conversations with several women who have amazing stories. I only briefly meet Joyce, our beautiful hostess. She is so busy tending to the needs of all of her guests that she rarely has time to slow down for a visit. But the main reason for not connecting is my own fear – fear of reaching out to converse with a successful published author – social fear telling me that Joyce would not be the least bit interested in getting to know someone like me.

So I run my old emotional pattern – rather than face possible rejection I simply avoid the situation. Net result: I avoid a possible connection as well.

Sleepless Night

Sunday night, my intestines resume their full-fledged rebellion. I manage to get a few hours of sleep, but at 2:00 a.m. fantasies of additional dreaming give way to the stark reality of staring at dark ceilings.

The smelly intestinal gas is horribly unpleasant. I feel as if I have a fish-tank aerator pumping a stream of gas into my abdomen, causing an incessant flow of embarrassing odorous fumes to flow uncontrollably in both directions. I begin to wonder if perhaps I have contracted a severe case of parasites.

By 4:00 a.m., I have given up all hope of returning to sleep. Following an internal hunch, I begin to do a little internet research about last night’s party hostess.

“There is a reason Keith felt guided to invite you last night.” The little Jedi voices whisper. “There is something more that you must do. You need to take the risk and reach out to Joyce.”

“No,” I resist with fear. “That is so lame … like a groupie trying to stalk a famous author … I will not do that … If some type of connection is supposed to happen it will be guided to happen … I don’t need to worry about that.”

I continue to research. It turns out that Joyce Maynard has not just published a few books. She has published over ten, some of them novels, some true stories. One of her books has even been turned into a movie. Her life is replete with struggle beginning at a very young age. Finding the courage to be true to herself, to share her stories with the world, she has also faced frequent rejection and criticism.

As I ponder my own life journey, I begin to wonder how the critics might treat me if I am ever to reach a prominent place in the public eye. Will I too be rejected and criticized for the difficult decisions that I have felt guided to make?

At 5:00 a.m. I finally succumb to an increasingly growing inner drive – a drive that absolutely insists that I send an email to Joyce. Searching her web page, I easily locate an email address. Holding my breath, I begin to type.

After briefly introducing myself, reminding her of our short meeting of the night before, I tell Joyce, “I know you must be extremely busy, but if perchance you do have time, I would love the opportunity to visit while you are in San Marcos.”

I finish off by briefly mentioning my sleepless night, my feeling of synchronicity, and the intuitions that pushed me to take the risk to reach out.

I am completely unattached and expect absolutely nothing back – but I am deeply proud of myself for having the courage to follow what feels like such a silly imaginary prompting. Perhaps nothing will ever come of it – perhaps something great will unfold. Peace fills my heart that I did what spirit guided me to do. I need not worry nor concern myself with either possible outcome.

To my amazement, fifteen minutes later I am fast asleep. Two hours later, I awaken feeling rejuvenated, my intestines feel normal, and the gas is completely gone.

Could it be that my body is communicating with me?

Gracious Reply

To my utter amazement, shortly after 8:30 a.m. a reply shows up in my email inbox – a warm and heartfelt reply from Joyce herself. She too enjoyed the party, and would have loved to share conversation over tea – but she regretfully informs me that today is her final day in San Marcos. She needs to get her girls back to school in the states. Their final day is booked solid with packing and last swims in the lake etc…

I am deeply honored by Joyce’s warm words. I do not question this morning’s confusing intuitions. On the surface, my actions appear to have hit the brick wall of failure; but I do not see it that way.

Perhaps I simply needed to find the inner courage to begin reaching out to others, seeking some type of synchronous connection with someone who might provide some assistance. Perhaps this was just the first step in learning how to face my fears – to reach out socially in an act of blind trust.

So many possibilities remain to be explored in the vast world of the mysterious unknown – a world overflowing with magic and hidden treasures.

Massive Misfit

Monday afternoon, only three of us show up to spend training time on Keith’s magical porch. One woman wants to participate in a past life regression. A consensus vote confirms that this is where we will all go today.

My experience begins as anything but ordinary, making absolutely no sense whatsoever to my rational mind. As usual, my visualizations themselves are quite weak. I experience most of the mind visuals in the form of intuitive feelings and senses.

As Keith asks us to look at our feet, I glance down intuitively and experience the white hairy feet of a very large man. Next, I feel strongly that I am wearing some type of large animal skin, perhaps that of a jaguar.

After fighting the resistance of rational mind, I finally reach profound realizations – I am a very large white man – a stranded European explorer in the jungles of Central or South America. A local indigenous tribe has embraced me and taken me in as one of their own. I am a massive misfit, being more than twice their size, having white skin and light hair, and being clueless as to their culture and traditions. Yet they have seen into my eyes, experienced my genuine heart, and welcomed me into their lives. These beautiful people are teaching me their shamanic traditions, coaching me on how to survive – even allowing me to fall in love with a beautiful young woman in their village.

As I ponder my life in this other dimension, I begin to cry. A strong emotional fact resonates profoundly in my soul – I cannot go back. My former life is over. I have a new life now. The time has come to quit looking over my shoulders at what might have been.

I do not know if such a past life is real or perhaps merely a creation of the subconscious mind – but one thing is certain. Today’s experience gives me a beautiful new perspective on love, and shows me in a powerful way that my journey is carrying me forward – that going back to an old life is no longer an option.

Buckets of Chocolate

Imagine my delight when Isaias returns from San Pedro with three five-gallon buckets filled with over one hundred pounds of pure, slightly-runny, freshly-ground cacao. As soon as we finish journeying into past lives, I eagerly volunteer for another round of chocolate training – helping Keith and Isaias with several hours of tedious nonstop packaging.

When the cacao beans are ground, the friction of the mill slightly heats the cacao, melting the cacao butter and leaving the raw chocolate in a liquid state. The trick is to get this liquid cacao into accurately measured sealed bags while it is still warm enough to work with.

For several hours, Keith and Isaias carefully pour liquid cacao into bags that are suspended in empty yogurt containers. One by one, using a small scale, I tediously adjust the weight of each bag to its exact desired weight – either one pound or one-half pound. Finally, Isaias’s wife uses a kitchen bag sealer to heat-seal each bag before laying it out on a tarp to harden.

After the first half hour, we have the assembly line down to an exact science – except for the fact that the last bucket continues to get increasingly difficult to work with as the cacao gradually hardens.

Finally, shortly before 9:00 p.m., we successfully fill and seal the final bag. Mission accomplished! I am deeply grateful for the opportunity to experience yet another small puzzle-piece of the cacao-processing world.

Rebellion and Reading

A part of me begins to panic.

“I just spent three weeks catching up on my writing,” I tell myself, “and suddenly I feel as if I am dropping behind. I need to write. I need to remain caught up. I need … I should … I must … I have to …”

As I stare at my laptop on Tuesday morning, the little keyboard simply seems to laugh at me, declaring that, “No, you are not writing today … you are tired and burned out … remember your promise to only write when your passions are engaged.”

Feeling quite content, I instead take the opportunity to be social – going to breakfast with Jody while also engaging in delightful conversations with a few others who join us at the table.

By noon, my heart’s request is obviously clear – “Today will be a day to read my own blog – to remember and to reflect on my growth. Yes I want to integrate and meditate.”

As I follow my heart, another thing begins to puzzle me in a strange and profound way – my body feels exhausted and drained – rational mind cannot justify the intensity of that exhaustion.

Social Steps

As I again attempt to write on Wednesday morning, Jody is still sleeping in the other room. Exhaustion attempts to consume me.

“Am I energetically reading Jody’s tiredness,” I begin to ask myself, “and am I then internalizing that emotion into my own body?”

Later in the morning, when Jody does stir, my confusing emotions provide great fodder for exploration and meaningful conversation. Jody is being an angel – providing me a perfect mirror as I explore my fears about re-engaging in the roommate process – fears about shared energy space, fears about giving away my power, fears about not being able to focus or to write when others are around me.

Jody is so much like me – on a similar journey of self discovery – learning to be true to her own inner needs as well.

The afternoon chocolate ceremony brings a much needed rest to my tedious emotional journey. None of my own personal emotional densities rise to the surface. I take great delight in exploring my healing intuitions as Keith periodically guides and coaches my progress. I am really starting to recognize and trust that sometimes I do in fact literally feel what others are feeling.

I later giggle when I realize that the Universe was simply saving my real emotional processing work until later.

I had known for a couple of days that there would be a social potluck tonight. With my usual quickness, I had turned down all of the invitations, indicating that I just needed to have a night of relaxation to myself – knowing deep down inside that social fear is still partially influencing my decision.

“I have grown enough this week.” I told myself with reassurance. “I don’t want to spend another evening immersed in the often-confusing energy of others.”

As the beautiful chocolate ceremony ends, several people indicate that they are walking down to the potluck – at a beautiful hotel situated on the lake just two minutes below Keith’s property. Five minutes later, I succumb to the prodding of a couple of friends.

“OK, I’ll go,” I tell them with love, “but I’m not sure how long I will stay. I really am tired.”

I am so grateful that I again allowed my heart to lead rather than succumbing to the old habits of stale fear-based beliefs. The evening turns out to be delightful as I engage in one deep and meaningful conversation after another. It seems that the Universe is taking great delight in pushing me to the edge of my social boundaries and then beyond.

Shaken Up

Confusion reins supreme on Thursday morning as I am again confronted by the same intense feeling of exhaustion. As with yesterday, a strong curiosity pushes me to wonder again if I might be absorbing Jody’s energy while she still sleeps.

The “old me” would have been frustrated, insisting that I get back to my own private space as soon as possible. The “new me” is delighted at the fact that I can be an impartial observer of these strange emotions – that I can openly and freely discuss them with Jody without trying to place any blame outside of myself – that I can explore the possibilities of the magic of “reading the energy of others” in a way that will help me to understand and learn how to do it without affecting me in negative ways.

Again I try to write – again my heart rebels.

“I am off task.” The intuitions whisper. “I don’t want to write. I want to socialize. I want to stop this cyclic feeling of work and responsibility that I am placing on myself. I am simply tired and want to play.”

As I sit staring at my laptop, silently asking Higher Self for some type of intervening help, a small actual earthquake rocks my world, gently shaking the room around me, lasting for only a few seconds. The intuitive message is obvious – the world as I know it is being shaken up a bit.

The Loop

In a deeply eye-opening Thursday-afternoon session with my favorite teacher, I am thrilled to bring a great deal more clarity to a repeating pattern – a pattern that I have lived out for much of my adult life. It seems that when I finish a powerful growth experience (such as my writing marathon), I have the strong tendency to continue pushing myself forward at a pace in which I eventually use up all of my own personal energy.

This used to be an automatic pattern – one over which I had little, if any, control. But now I recognize it as a persistent-but-quite-optional pattern – one which I no longer desire to perpetuate. Yes, I still slip into this pattern during periods of exhaustion, but am now much more aware when it does happen, and I am so much quicker at extracting myself from the loop when I achieve this state of realization and awareness.

My personal energy can become totally depleted when I forget to connect to Higher Sources, causing me to reach a state of tiredness, exhaustion, and burnout. In that disconnected state I can go no further. Confusion sticks its foot in the door, and the loop has been entered.

In the distant past, exiting the loop was a very difficult process of personal recharging, often taking weeks or even months.

Today, jumping out of this pesky little cycle is much easier – requiring only two things: awareness and willingness. The moment I become aware of what I am doing, I simply need to be willing to do whatever it takes to reconnect me with my own heart.

During the discussion with Keith, I am aware that my tiredness and disconnectedness this week are clearly related to not being connected with my own heart.

“What does your heart want to do right now?” Keith asks the obvious question.

“I simply want to play.” I respond easily. “I want to more actively pursue the social opportunities that are presenting themselves. I want to more fully explore the magic that is the present moment without being burdened by the feeling of ‘obligation’ when it comes to writing.”

Fantastic Fries

Thursday evening, as I prepare to throw some rice onto the stove, I instead follow a twinge of intuition that tells me “You want to go have hamburger and fries again at Blind Lemon”.

Five minutes later, while waiting for my yummy burger and fries, I am engaged in a delightful conversation with Gillian – a beautiful white-haired spiritual seeker who travels the world extensively – a woman who is writing her own book documenting the amazing spiritual encounters that have graced her path.

After an hour and a half of powerful conversation, I excuse myself and begin to leave – but I quickly bump into Holly who informs me that she has scheduled a private session with Keith for 9:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.

“Will you be there too?” Holly asks with eagerness, telling me that she cannot imagine a session with Keith if I am not there to help.

“I would be delighted.” I giggle.

I am amazed at how following a simple intuition to eat out has brought me such deep blessings.

Floating in Light

The Friday morning session with Holly is amazing. Since it was her own private session, I cannot say much, but I will say that I learned a great deal about my own capacities to read the energy of others – plus Holly practiced some of her own healing magic in ways that helped me deeply.

Toward the end of our three hours together, I begin to have my own extremely profound energy experience.

The delightful tingling first begins right above my heart chakra. Over the period of about an hour, the energy gradually dances its way up my neck and shoulders, soon consuming my entire head. The sensations do not seem to contain themselves fully in my own body. Often, I feel as if the little energy bursts are actually an inch or two outside of my skin – but I feel their dancing just the same.

By the time that amazing three-and-a-half-hour session ends, I have achieved a deep state of inner connectedness – a state that nearly equals the powerful love and peace that consumed my soul in those beautiful hot springs near Xela, just one month earlier.

A Pierced Heart

As 12:30 p.m. rolls around, several people join us for the scheduled afternoon public session. A deep burst of intuition confirms that I will be staying all afternoon.

“You can do this.” The Jedi voices whisper. “You will be fine without lunch … you know you need to be here … you know you want to be here.”

After entering our group “glow” meditation, the amazing tingling sensations of my morning session begin to return. But I soon notice that a new sharp sensation of pain is also manifesting itself on the left side of my sternum, directly above my heart.

“It is as if there is a wooden door there above your heart, and that door is nailed shut.” Keith volunteers while checking out my energy.

I find it highly unusual for Keith to provide such guiding feedback early in a process – but at the same time I deeply trust that he would not have said anything unless he felt intuitively guided to do so.

Resistance flashes into my mind as I ponder the concept of yet another subconscious door blocking my heart – but inner knowing strongly confirms the door’s existence.

“The door does not cover my heart itself,” the inner voices chatter away, “but it does somehow block the channel between my head and my heart.”

I don’t know how I know this, but I know it. The concept makes so much sense. It explains why I continue to be baffled by the lack of energetic flow across my neck area.

“But no, it is not a wooden door.” My intuitions soon speak loudly. “This blockage is like a hatch on a submarine. It is a pressurized steel door that can be opened from either side using a wheel on the front of the door. But oddly enough, both sides are attempting to keep the door securely shut. If one side attempts to open the hatch, the other immediately counters to prevent such action.”

For nearly half an hour I continue to remain puzzled as to the nature of my door.

Another person on Keith’s magical porch, a man who just happens to be named Bob, expresses that he is an Agnostic – someone who neither believes nor denies the existence of God, he just hopes to find some type of tangible proof. Several times when Bob speaks, his words trigger emotional reactions in my heart. At first I begin to wonder if I am simply reading Bob’s energy – but no, I quickly realize that I am reacting far too emotionally, that what I am feeling must be my own issue. My submarine door is somehow related to a period in my life when I stopped believing in God.

“Brenda, why do you suppose that pain above your heart is so sharp and focused?” Keith asks as he again checks in with my energy.

“It feels as if I was stabbed right here with a knife.” I reply with intuitive confidence while touching the spot on my chest.

“Could the stab have been inflicted by a large nail?” Keith asks inquisitively.

“Yes, that is possible,” I reply hesitatingly, “but I’m feeling that it was a knife.”

“Why don’t you take a look?” Keith insists. “Go in there and briefly pull whatever-it-is out, then tell me what you feel.”

I laugh as I visualize myself pulling the weapon out of my chest. Sure enough, I have a strong awareness flash through my consciousness – it is a nail.

“What do you suppose is the significance of being stabbed with a nail?” Keith probes further.

“I have no clue.” I reply with frustration after five minutes of silently searching for answers. “Can you give me some type of hint?”

“Sure,” Keith volunteers without hesitation, “I’m getting that it has something to do with your religious upbringing.”

Immediately the answer floods into my subconscious awareness. “The nail is symbolic of the crucifixion – symbolic of being stabbed in the heart by my religious belief systems. I feel as if I were crucified by my own religion.”

Almost immediately, my mind flashes directly to an experience that happened in late December of 1986 – the weekend before New Years Day – a weekend topping the list of the most agonizing and emotionally numbing experiences of my life. It was during those short few days that I literally gave up on God – where I felt betrayed and abandoned by my childhood belief systems. And yes, it was in those same two days where I symbolically I closed down the connection between head and heart, so profoundly shutting down my capacity to feel emotions that I became capable of deeply hurting the people in my life that I loved the most.

My warped and desperate goal was to make my loved ones hate me – to force them to push me out of their lives, giving me the emotional freedom to figure out the mind-numbing dilemma of my gender struggles. I could never imagine that my family could support my gender explorations. I simply could not imagine living the remainder of my life in such agonizing emotional shutdown and pain. Yet I knew with all of my heart that walking away from family was impossible. I simply loved them too much.

In a form of desperate twisted logic, I believed that the only way to break free – the only way to remain emotionally alive – was to betray those whom I loved. I knew that I could never engage in such betrayal while my head remained connected to the deep feelings in my heart.

Now, twenty-four years later, I discover a steel hatch sitting directly above my heart, continuing to symbolically prevent my head from totally feeling what the heart so desperately desires to share.

Opening the Hatch

Here I find myself, sitting in meditation, staring at the imaginary steel hatch, realizing that this subconscious doorway metaphorically represents the most deeply buried pain in my entire life. One side of the hatch represents my own capacity to feel betrayed by God and religion. The other side represents my own capacity to betray the very people whom I love.

I am terrified at the thought of re-experiencing the traumatic emotions. I remain quite numb as to the painful events of that difficult day of destiny.

Moment by moment, I relive each painful moment – each agonizing emotion. Allowing myself to feel deeply, I alternate between numb silence and tearful sobs – some of which reach belly-shaking proportions as I remember the gut-wrenching emotional decisions through which I passed on that agonizing weekend.

Finally, after an hour of deep emotional release, I intuitively recognize that the cleansing process has run its course – the emotions have been recognized, deeply felt, and transmuted by higher energies. I ask Higher Self to bring in missing parts of my own higher energies so that they can replace the void left behind by former densities.

Soon I am smiling and giggling, back to helping others. Somehow I know and feel that the communication channels between head and heart have been greatly healed – they will be much more open. I ponder with a sense of awe as I remember an experience just six days ago where a beautiful young Traditional Chinese Medicine student named Nada also helped to open up energy channels on my neck.

Could it be that everything in the past seven days has been synchronously leading me to this point … helping to locate and to open this no-longer-needed steel hatch … helping me to enable a more powerful communication between head and heart?

Yes, I believe it is so.

Dancing in Higher Energies

Friday finishes as beautifully as it began. For the remainder of the chocolate ceremony, I am fully energized, fully present in the healing processes of others. Jody and I spend another extra hour after the regular ceremony as I assist Keith to further assist Jody in powerful ways.

Finally, at 6:30 p.m., after nine and a half hours of nonstop energy work, we are all finished – each of us feeling fully alive and eager to take on a fun evening.

Jody makes a delightful suggestion, and the three of us are soon finishing our emotional integration while munching away on delicious meals at a local restaurant.

As Jody and I return home, shortly after 9:00 p.m., I find myself energetically flying, dancing for joy as I contemplate another week-long round of powerful healing. I have long since given up any attempts to plan my journey. I now understand that some days the Universe wants me to be social – to meet new people – to play and to have fun. And then other days, my passions again pull me right back into writing. I don’t need to figure it out in advance … I simply need to listen to the daily beat of my heart.

I love this newfound sense of balance – the clarity that comes when I realize that there are no formulas – no long term plans. It is all about remaining flexible and present in each precious moment.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

(This is the eleventh and final installment of a series of posts describing my experiences in San Marcos, Guatemala from November 7^th up to the present time. 

Yippee … I’m caught up! Photos will follow very soon.)

It was Thursday, December 2, when I finished my last certification massage, successfully completing the final steps of Nadia’s holistic healing course. My early resistance to participating in Nadia’s course had originally been quite strong. I simply did not want to sacrifice two months of my life. Left-brain logic saw no useful purpose for what seemed like such a waste of both time and money.

I am so grateful that I ignored my stuffy analytical side, choosing instead to honor strong inner guidance – guidance that resulted in huge and powerful internal growth.

Later that same afternoon, after finishing my final massage, I sat meditating on Keith’s porch while exploring a relatively new adventure with my three-year-old inner child. In the midst of that ongoing exploration, I began to struggle with a persistent and irritating cough – something that had seemingly developed as if out of nowhere, only few hours earlier.

My first inclination was to speculate that the feeling in my throat was related to the little toddler locked away inside of me.

“Perhaps this tightness in my throat chakra is a subconscious metaphor.” I pondered, “Perhaps my little inner child is telling me that her voice is not being heard.”

Dreams Are Calling

It was the wee hours of Friday morning as I patiently rested, lying wide-awake in bed, staring quietly at a dark ceiling. Memories of a recent dream had already completely faded while meditative insights began to filter into my mind.

I was trying to simultaneously meditate and return to dreamland, both at the same time. Perhaps I was somewhere in between the two worlds when I returned to consciousness with a start. Enthusiasm swelled in my heart as new intuitions surfaced with clarity. To my surprise, a series of seemingly insignificant events from Thursday morning suddenly took on a whole new meaning.

The memories were now quite profound.

As I began that Shiatsu certification massage I had felt quite healthy, not having even the slightest sensation of throat irritation. My client, on the other hand, entered that session feeling tired and serious – quite emotionally drained.

Suddenly, in the middle of the massage, my client seemed to come alive with enthusiasm, becoming extremely talkative and joyful. It was at almost that same moment that I had noticed a scratchy cough beginning to form in my own throat.

When I had mentioned the scratchy feeling to my client, she responded by saying that she herself had been coughing earlier. Now, halfway through the massage, she was energized, bubbly, and happy – and it was I who felt like coughing.

“Could it be?” I asked myself with deep wonder and curiosity. “Is it possible that I subconsciously did something energetically in the middle of that Shiatsu massage … somehow healing my client while simultaneously absorbing her cough into my own body?”

My heart answered “Yes.”

Believe in What Your Heart is Saying

I knew such things to be possible. Several years ago, after a powerful crystal healing session with my friend Mont in Salt Lake City, I grilled him with questions. He shared many stories with me about how, when he first discovered his healing abilities, that he had inadvertently absorbed many of his clients’ illnesses into his own body. His guides had only later shown him how to stop internalizing the energies that he was releasing from others.

I never before imagined that such an ability might be buried somewhere inside of me.

Wide-eyed wonder filled my heart as I pondered the events. Peaceful happy feelings confirmed to me that I had indeed been given a glimpse of a gift that is buried somewhere inside – perhaps a gift being carefully guarded by a vigilant inner child.

Excitement filled my soul as I began to believe in the possibility of new magic opening up inside of me.

“I just need to learn how not to absorb someone’s illness into my own body.” I giggled as I dreamed of drifting back to sleep.

A Dreamer Long Ago

I was not quite eight years old when a neighbor boy, Brad, unwittingly destroyed my final beliefs in magic. It was right before Christmas when my young friend innocently wounded my heart with his teasing words.
“Santa Claus is not real.” Brad had blurted out, proudly boasting that he knew something that I didn’t.

I ran home in tears, begging my parents for answers.

“Please, tell me that Brad is lying!” I had demanded of my parents.

I still remember the thick emotion as if it were yesterday. While looking into my parents’ eyes, waiting for them to tell me the truth, their happy expressions gave way to instant sadness. A huge lump formed in my tiny throat as I looked pleadingly into my parent’s melancholy faces. I could feel their emotions as if they were my own.

The tension in the air finally snapped when my mother admitted glumly: “No, I’m sorry, there is not really a Santa Claus.”

Yes, the remaining magic of my heart melted away in that instant.

It was time to grow up – time to get my head out of the clouds – time to live in the real world. On that disappointing day so very long ago, my final beliefs in magic joined the realm of silly childhood fantasy.

Believe in what you feel inside

As I continued lying in bed early on that Friday morning, exactly four weeks ago today, powerful intuitions began to dance around in my soul. I decided it was time to explore my newfound magical beliefs – time to quit being a wallflower and to get out on the magical dance floor – time to actually try to heal myself.

As the clock approached 3:00 a.m., I noted that I was beginning to struggle with sinus congestion in addition to that persistently growing cough. For the next several hours, I lay awake meditating, using every ounce of internal energy that I could muster, visualizing a comfortable throat, imagining clear and perfectly healthy sinuses, filling my heart with deep love and gratitude for the overflowing health of my body.

But as my heart spun around on that mystical dance floor in this genuine effort of artistic mastery, my entire body was simultaneously overcome with fearful resistance.

“What if I succeed at healing myself?” I asked with trepidation. “What will that mean in my life? How will it change things? Am I ready for this?”

“And then again, what if I fail?” I also pondered with fear.

Intuition powerfully reassured me that I was oh-so-close to succeeding – that I had indeed made a huge physical difference during my meditation. The sinus congestion had ceased. But for whatever reason, I also intuitively knew that my cough would not be going away until my deep-rooted fears were exposed and healed.

Yes, there would be much more personal growth through which I must first pass.

On that same Friday afternoon, while sitting on Keith’s porch, I shared my morning insights and meditation journey, asking for assistance and feedback.

“Could my intuitions be right?” I asked for Keith’s confirmation. “Is it possible that I really am in the middle of uncovering new magical gifts?”

“Yes, Brenda.” Keith told me lovingly after having himself briefly meditated on the issue. “This is indeed a gift from the Universe to help you explore your inner magic – and the throat discomfort will probably linger until you have time to fully integrate the lessons.”

Yes, the budding magical beliefs have indeed captured my attention. I cannot wait to explore such magic even further.

Reading Energy

Nearly a week later, on the day after joyously reawakening my passions to write, Keith helps me to begin exploring one of the first aspects of my buried magic.

“Brenda,” he coaches me confidently. “You may not recognize this yet, but you have a built-in ability to read other peoples’ energy.”

“Unlike an empath,” Keith continues to clarify, “you do not internalize the emotional baggage of others into your own body – but you do have the ability to sense it, to feel it, and to actually experience it in your own unique way.”

A sense of anticipation excites my heart as Keith adds that this is just the first of many energy gifts that I will likely begin to experience and understand in a more profound way as I progress down my path.

Keith points out that one of the reasons I struggled so much during my teen years is that I could intuitively sense the judgmental energies around me – I knew what would happen if I were to expose my shameful struggles. I internally experienced the disappointed feelings of parents and church leaders at a very deep and personal level, even though such feelings were rarely, if ever, expressed verbally.

Another clarification that Keith quickly adds is related to the fact that I have often experienced considerable difficulty in meditating and writing when others are nearby – even if we are in silence together. The reason now seems so obvious. I do in fact read the energy of people around me, and that energy can be downright distracting when I am not in a healed and centered space.

I feel deep peace as Keith clarifies one additional point.

“The more that you heal and develop your ability to read the energy of others, giving your gift a healthy and useful outlet,” Keith coaches me, “the more you will be able to find inner peace while sitting in and around their energy.”

As I walk away from that beautiful session on Thursday, December 9, I feel quite skeptical.

I want to believe – in many ways I do believe – but the concepts are still so new, so difficult to grasp.

The ideas do bring great clarity to many of my past struggles – yet my rational mind still begs for something concrete onto which I can grasp.

Hear the Melody That’s Playing

Over the next two weeks, I focus a great deal of time pondering over these magical feelings – feelings that are still barely in their infancy. I have only two priorities, the first being my passionate writing marathon, the second being to spend as much time as possible sitting on Keith’s magical porch, receiving guidance from my favorite intuitive teacher.

As I begin to pay more attention to this faint inner music flowing through me, a feeling of increasing validation gradually builds – reaffirming that what Keith has told me does indeed seem to be immersed in strong threads of truth.

While I still do not fully grasp and understand these melodies that play deeply in my heart, I can indeed hear the tunes, ever so faintly.

Just two days ago, on Wednesday, December 29, I participated in a powerful chocolate ceremony. In that circle, there was one particular young woman who seemed to be experiencing a strong and prolonged emotional struggle – an intense struggle causing her to experience considerable anxiety-based pain in her lower abdomen.

From about five feet away, with no coaching from anyone, I took it upon myself to connect with this woman’s energy. I first imagined myself connecting with her Higher Self, asking for permission to assist in any way that might be appropriate. I then focused my connecting energy in the woman’s direction.

With the power of my mind, I requested that her excess emotional densities be channeled through me and into mother earth, where I knew they would be transmuted into light. To assist myself with this mental metaphor, I held the palm of one hand focused in this young woman’s direction, with my other palm directed at the earth below.

While sensing a mild energy flow in my hands and arms, a strong feeling of intuitive knowing guided me to firmly believe that this woman’s excess emotional energy was indeed flowing in one hand and out the other – passing through me, but not remaining with me.

But soon, I noticed a very unpleasant side effect. My own abdomen began to feel the intensely familiar sensation of anxiety – causing painful cramping and blockages in my second chakra. For as long as I remained energetically connected, I continued to experience this intense and annoying physical sensation. The pain felt as if it was real, as if it was literally in my own body, yet I intuitively knew that this was not my own pain – that it would disappear when the magical practice was completed.

Another powerful experience in that same healing group is that several other women began to experience profound physical exhaustion. To my surprise, I began to feel extremely sleepy right along with them – yet I knew that there was absolutely no reason for me to be physically tired. These ceremonies always leave me bubbly and energized.

As the session reached an obvious conclusion, I observed with amazement as four or five exhausted people excused themselves, gave a round of hugs, and wandered off in their various directions.

I stayed behind, hoping to discuss what I had just experienced. To my surprise, my own physical sensation of profound tiredness disappeared as soon as the other women left, right along with the intense pains in my lower abdomen.

“Brenda, you’re not done yet, are you?” Keith speaks confidently with a huge grin on his face.

“Nope” I reply with an equally large grin.

In the conversation that ensues, I am thrilled to learn that Keith sometimes feels the same types of physical sensations when working with the emotional densities of others. In fact, Keith eagerly admits that today, he too felt the same pains in his own abdomen when working with the woman with whom I had energetically connected.

As I walked home that evening, the healing melodies of my heart began to take on a little more inner harmony.

Fear of Heights

Just last week, while meditating in another beautiful Chocolate Ceremony, I found myself precariously perched at the top of a frightening water slide – one called “The Jagged Edge” located in a popular water park in Provo, Utah.

As I stare at the steep drop off directly below me, I powerfully re-experience the fearful adrenaline-filled emotions of searching for the courage to take that frightening leap. I know that I will love the experience once I let go of my tight grip – yet the hole in my stomach terrifyingly urges me to turn around, to climb back down the tower using my feet rather than my childlike playfulness.

In my visualization, I find myself gleefully screaming for joy as I release my fears, push myself forward, and zoom down the steep drop-off before being carefully cuddled by the edges of the waterslide that guide me to a graceful stop on the earth far below.

While meditating, I repeatedly find myself back at the top of this mind-boggling waterslide – but each time I intuitively know that the slide has grown taller. I am sitting even higher above the ground far below, facing even greater feelings of adrenaline-filled terror as I anticipate yet-another leap into the unknown.

Soon, my mind floods with memories of other previous adventures to frightful-heights – memories of standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon, of walking along the top of Hoover dam, and vivid memories of inching along a slippery-gravel trail in Northeastern Utah – a rugged trail that skirted just above a two-thousand-foot drop-off to a deep canyon below.

In this meditation, I began to realize that I am literally facing fears of rising to new heights – fears of my light-shadow – fears of what my life might be like if I achieve new growth.

Keith soon guides me through an exercise where the group assists me in letting go of my fears – fears that stem from childhood programming – fears saying that I must maintain a perfect image, and that I must win the love and approval of others.

Next, I find myself standing at the edge of a cliff, re-enacting “The Fool” card from the Tarot deck – a card where a young and innocent magician-to-be is about to take the leap off a tall cliff into an unknown world – fully trusting that there is nothing to fear and everything to gain.

At the end of the visualization – one in which I let go of the old childhood programming and then ask my Higher Self to bring in new programming, I begin to envision myself as Julie Andrews in two of my favorite childhood movies: Mary Poppins and The Sound of Music. Both movies deeply inspire me to embrace the childlike magic that resides within my soul – both urge me to return to that state of magical innocence and trust.

It is time for me to destroy the old restrictive rules of my life – time to embrace even more of the magic, without attempting to squish the magic into the shape of those old stodgy rules.

Wings to Fly

The more I embrace the growing feelings of magic, the more I feel as if my wings are beginning to spread – that perhaps maybe I actually can fly after all.

I am eternally grateful for the incredible opportunities that Keith continues to bring into my life. On just the day after Christmas, my special Christmas gift was the opportunity to travel across the lake with Keith, assisting him as he facilitated a beautiful and profound chocolate ceremony at a nearby Yoga retreat center. During that amazing sunrise-to-sunset day, my confidence leaped for joy as I continued to spread my new-found wings, taking little baby steps toward trusting my budding intuitions as a healer, following tiny intuitions that seemed to produce great results.

Trusting Starlight

Just two nights earlier, on a beautiful Guatemalan Christmas Eve, Keith and I had made tentative plans to share company over a relaxing dinner at a local restaurant.

Imagine my delight when Keith shows up and tells me that we have instead been invited to spend Christmas Eve with a beautiful Mayan family – the extended family of Keith’s young helper Isaias – an incredible young man whom I love with all of my heart.

When Keith asks if that would be an acceptable change of plans, I nearly leap for joy at the amazing opportunity.

For me, the first highlight of the evening is in playing with the children, watching and helping them light their noisy firecrackers.

Yup, I said firecrackers. It seems that fireworks are a huge part of celebrating Christmas and New Years here in Guatemala. My heart overflows with joy as I stand out in the beautiful starlit night, giggling with the children, holding their hand, feeling the magic of their joy and excitement flow through my own veins.

As we sit down at a small table with Isaias and his young wife, beginning to devour our delicious tamales, my next delight comes in the form of a beautiful seven-month old baby named Luli. My heart swells with joy at the opportunity to hold this little angel – to giggle and play with her for nearly a half hour before her mother comes to scoop her away.

While sipping on a steaming mug of “Ponche” (a traditional hot fruit drink), I can not help but glance at a television just a few feet away. Of all the movies to be playing on Christmas Eve, there could not have been a more perfect choice – The Polar Express. The fact that it is completely dubbed in Spanish makes the experience even more delightful.

There are two or three songs in this beautiful movie that always steal my heart – but it is the movie’s magical message that captivates my fancy – reminding me with deep emotion that the magic is still there – that it has always been there. To reconnect with that magic, all I need to do is to return to my childlike innocence and genuine beliefs.

My heart nearly melts with joy as I steal a glance at the face of my magical teacher. Keith is focused intently, watching one of the closing scenes where a young boy rediscovers his own belief in the magic of Christmas.

I cannot say for certain, but I remain absolutely convinced that Keith’s eyes were filling up with bubbling and joyful tears.

I am so deeply grateful for the skilled guidance of this amazing and intuitive man in my life. Keith’s loving help has given me such a profound boost in discovering my own inner magic – magic that has been buried for so very long – magic that is just now beginning to dance under the dim light of the stars above.

If You Just Believe

Today marks an amazing conclusion – the last day of an incredible year – and the joyful conclusion of a three-week marathon of writing. Yes, as I hit the publish button on this New Years Eve, I am indeed finally caught up and current in my writing. There is nothing left unsaid, nothing remains unexpressed regarding this divinely magical and unforgettable year.

I know that I highlighted this beautiful song just a year ago, but I cannot resist the urge to end this segment of my writing by quoting again the inspiring words of one of my favorite songs – the theme song of “The Polar Express” as sung by Josh Groban.

If you want to listen along, I found this beautiful video on youTube at the following link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dn0_I_GDGpg

As I sit with Isaias’s family on Christmas Eve, I remember how I too used to be a dreamer so very long ago – but then I had to grow up – the magic vanished into an adult world or rules and responsibility.

Those forgotten dreams are calling me, gently playing a soft and familiar melody – urging me to believe in what I feel inside – to believe in what my heart is saying – to rediscover the magic that once slipped away so very long ago.

Yes, even though I often feel as if I am still navigating under the dim glow of starlight, I will trust my heart – I will spread my wings and fly. I know not where my dreams will guide me, but with all of my heart, I know, without any doubts, that I must believe.

Believe
Words and Music by: Glen Ballard and Alan Silvestri
Sung by: Josh Groban
Album: The Polar Express (Soundtrack)

Children sleeping, snow is softly falling
Dreams are calling like bells in the distance
We were dreamers not so long ago
But one by one we all had to grow up
When it seems the magic’s slipped away
We find it all again on Christmas day

Believe in what your heart is saying
Hear the melody that’s playing
There’s no time to waste
There’s so much to celebrate
Believe in what you feel inside
And give your dreams the wings to fly
You have everything you need
If you just believe

Trains move quickly to their journey’s end
Destinations are where we begin again
Ships go sailing far across the sea
Trusting starlight to get where they need to be
When it seems that we have lost our way
We find ourselves again on Christmas day

Believe in what your heart is saying
Hear the melody that’s playing
There’s no time to waste
There’s so much to celebrate
Believe in what you feel inside
And give your dreams the wings to fly
You have everything you need
If you just believe

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

 
(This is the tenth installment of a series of posts describing my experiences in San Marcos, Guatemala from November 7^th up to the present time. Subsequent posts will follow very soon.)

(Note – this is a continuation of “Surrendering to Love. If you have not yet read that posting, you should probably read it first.)

“It all seems like such an amazing dream,” I think to myself while slipping in and out of an early morning meditative state.

Passionately, I scribble notes for at least two hours – desperate to capture every amazing detail about yesterday’s life-altering journey with Keith. The experience is so fresh that I have yet to come down from the clouds.

Later, over breakfast, I apply my full attention onto Sharon. She is still not quite sure whether she will be leaving San Marcos later today – or perhaps tomorrow.

“Sharon,” I again express with genuine love, “please know that you can stay for another week or two if that is what your heart guides you to do.”

As those inspired words pass through my lips, another part of me reluctantly surrenders to sadness.

“But what about my writing?” I numbly console myself.

I have all but given up. I do not believe myself to be capable of writing while sharing my living space with friends.

“I will never have the time to catch up.” I sigh with despair. “There are simply too many distractions tugging on my heart strings – all at the same time.”

Embracing the Chaos

Keith, Have I told you lately how much I love you?

Yes, Keith is reading all of my blog entries, even the ones where I pour out my vulnerable heart regarding romantic confusions. He has been closely following my amazing journey of growth and surrender, silently and patiently observing the gradual shutdown of my passions to write, waiting for just the right moment to push my wake-up buttons.

It is late Wednesday afternoon, December 8, still less than twenty-four hours after the most amazing spiritual experience of my life. I am sitting quietly in a small chocolate ceremony on Keith’s magical porch. I feel a few annoying emotional twitches dancing around in my sacral chakra. Exhaustion and depression occupy the seats beside me, one on either side, persistently attempting to take hold of my hands.

Internal voices quietly whisper: “These energies in my tummy are related to a feeling of losing control – related to the confusing paradox of believing that spiritual intuitions are pushing me down a path of further surrendering to what feels like total chaos.”

Yet a deep internal knowing continues to reassure me that everything through which I have passed in the previous five weeks has been amazingly inspired – that it all needed to happen exactly as it did – that everything has indeed been perfect.

I am confused, almost-broken, compromising my passions, surrendering to the fact that the Universe must have other plans for me.

“Brenda,” Keith gently coaches, “I want you to open your heart. Embrace all of that terrifying chaos and invite it to come into your heart space for a visit.”

“Invite your Higher Self to sit with you during the visit,” Keith continues, “and be reassured that when your meditation is finished the chaos will indeed disappear.”

The idea of embracing more chaotic feelings is the last thing I want to do. Yet implicit trust of Keith allows me to surrender into yet another mystical journey into the subconscious world. For the next hour, Keith leaves me unattended in my meditative and magical journey with this terrifying chaos.

Fear grips my heart – fear of losing control – fear of not being able to do what I want to do – fear of being consumed by outside distractions.

I am anxious for this unpleasant experiment in consciousness to come to a rapid conclusion. The chaotic feeling is overwhelming. I again feel as if an unruly three-year-old has taken control of my once-orderly life.

Wake-up Call

An hour later, as Keith finishes up his work with others in the group, he asks casually, “Does anyone else have something that they would like to work on?”

“Uh, yeah!” I respond with a slightly annoyed feeling.

“Did you forget that you left me in a state of total chaos well over an hour ago?” I continue. “I was wondering if you can help me finish the process now. I am still feeling quite unsettled.”

Keith lovingly switches focus back to me, acknowledging that he is fully aware of my current energy.

What happens next causes me to rear back in stiff emotion-filled resistance. Keith begins to imply that I am lost and sidetracked – suggesting that perhaps my intuitions might be guiding me down a slightly-distorted path.

“Brenda.” Keith suddenly engages me in a very annoying verbal showdown, repeatedly asking me, “What does God want you to do?”

Each time that I attempt to answer, Keith seemingly nullifies my words with a phrase like “No, that is not what God wants you to do … God wants you to do what you want to do.”

(The full beautiful story is in my “Riding the River of Joy” blog.)

It takes a few minutes of stewing in my anger and resentment at Keith’s pushy, in-my-face confrontation before the vulnerable light of surrender finally shines brightly in my soul – before my icy resistance melts to a watery mush of deep emotion that swells in my heart.

My eyes cloud with thick tears as a powerful heartfelt response comes pouring unexpectedly out of my mouth.

“What God wants me to do … what I desperately want to do,” I exclaim with intense emotional power, “is to isolate myself for a week or two. I want all of the distractions out of my way. I just want to write and write and write and write and write.”

Tears stream down my cheeks and my voice shakes as I continue. “And I don’t want to simply write in a compromised journal-like style. I want to write with my old passionate style – the kind of writing where I am immersed in the passion for long hours – where I forget to eat – where I want to get up early and to stay up late. I want to put everything else on hold until my heart has had the opportunity to fully express itself.”

Continued Growth

The rest is well documented history. For nearly three weeks I have been passionately writing, nearly nonstop. Well over one-hundred-and-forty hours of deep soul-searching integration and creative expression have resulted in nearly one-hundred-and-twenty written pages overflowing with raw, genuine, emotional, growth-filled, life-changing stories.

But even in the midst of my renewed passion for writing – ongoing growth has continued – growth that simply cannot go unexpressed.

So here I am, still passionately writing on this beautiful Christmas morning – still playing “catch-up.” My heart continues to play so many melodies – so many songs of expression that must be sung.

Energy Shifts

Keith’s wake-up call has brought a new energizing outlook. Everything around me seems to be suddenly filled with new life and light.

Upon arriving at home, Sharon lovingly informs me that she has purchased a ticket to leave tomorrow on the 9:00 a.m. shuttle. While feeling sadness that my friend is leaving, the sad emotion is also accompanied by a profound peace telling me that the timing is perfect – that our shared healing together is now powerfully complete.

Tears stream down my cheeks as I tell Sharon about my rediscovered passions. My angelic friend responds with equal passion, relating how she suddenly sees me in a new light. She is standing before a beautiful and successful best-selling author – someone with whom she is proud and honored to have shared a part of her journey.

My heart swells with joy at the energetic shifts that seem to be taking place all around me.

Newfound Balance

Thursday morning, as Sharon and I share our final hours together, I also recognize a new sense of internal balance in myself. I spend an early morning passionately engaged in the first leg of what will soon become an energizing writing marathon.

Even more amazing is that I am actually doing my writing in the middle of the living room – with distractions progressing all around me. My energy is now so pure and balanced that occasional interruptions are welcomed, even enjoyed. In fact, I drop everything to spend a final hour of heartfelt conversation with Sharonski.

With this new balance, I suddenly realize that the only thing stopping me from writing has been me, my own energy, my own stubborn beliefs regarding the conditions under which I am capable of writing. I laugh at myself while fondly remembering the times where I used to spend hours writing in the town square of Cozumel, gleefully typing away in the midst of continuous distractions.

“Yes,” I remind myself. “My distractions have indeed been an inside job.”

Unexpected Thoughtfulness

Friday morning, as I write about an unbelievable swarm of bees, Keith knocks on my door. He has brought me a pound of raw cacao, carefully shaved into small pieces, tediously measured out into two-ounce packets. His beautiful act of unexpected thoughtfulness warms my heart. The chocolate will be put toward a powerful and spiritual purpose. Each day in which I write, I will mix up a one-ounce half-ceremonial dose to gently help open my heart to more inspiration and divine guidance.

On early Saturday afternoon, Keith again stops by unexpectedly to check on me – this time for no reason whatsoever other than the fact that he was walking by.

“I’m here to interrupt you for a while.” Keith announces with a smile.

I simply giggle inside as I realize that Keith is most likely following an intuition that I need to have my “newfound balance” tested just a wee bit. I am proud to disclose that the brief half-hour interruption was both welcome and enjoyed – not hampering my writing progress in the least.

Later Saturday evening, after jumping for joy about having published “Always There” – the third piece of writing in three days – I choose to celebrate by roasting a few marshmallows. Using a metal fork to dangle the marshmallow over the burner of my gas stove, I roast my white fluffy treat until it has a perfect golden-brown color and puffy consistency.

Believe it or not, I respond with shocked giggles when I accidentally place my lips on the hot sizzling metal of the fork. For the next three days I walk around with a large white semi-circle on my lower lip – but nothing, and I mean nothing, can spoil my glorious writing adventure.

Dental Debates

As I climb into the crowded public boat headed for Panajachel, I realize that today marks exactly one week since a loose crown slipped off the titanium implant on my left front tooth – an event that had happened on the very Tuesday morning that Keith and I were about to ride off into the sunrise on the way to purchase cacao beans in Xela.

Today, Tuesday December 14, I am off to remedy that dental dilemma. There are nearly thirty-five of us crowded into this tiny “lancha” – a boat that was most likely designed to carry only twenty-four passengers. As I look around at the group of fascinating travelers, I simply smile. A few high-school age youth sit in the back – youth from various places around the world, all on their way to attend school in Panajachel.

The rest of my travel companions are local indigenous people – a beautiful mix of Mayans from around the lake – men, women and children starting another round of daily life at Lake Atitlan. I take a brief moment to pinch myself. Deep gratitude overflows my heart as I contemplate the marvelous cultural adventure in which I find myself.

I arrive at the dentist’s office at just after 8:30 a.m., a full half hour before my scheduled appointment. I am grateful that I took the 7:30 boat. If I had waited for the next, I may have been late for what turns out to be a very quick and easy appointment.

The dentist speaks adequate English and seems quite skilled at slapping a little glue into my crown before pushing it back over the protruding implant post.

But what he tells me next both surprises and amuses me. The dentist proceeds to fill my head with fear – at least he tries – informing me that my tooth is in grave danger.

“You broke the post off, and the tooth will absolutely not last.” He warns me with serious concern. “You must go to a specialist in Guatemala City as soon as possible to get it fixed.”

I smile as I humor the dentist by writing down the name and number of the specialist. I try to explain that the implant post is not broken, that the short stubby rod is exactly the same length that it was when the tooth was first installed many years ago – but the dentist will simply not believe me.

“No, it is too short,” he continues to warn, “and you must not use this tooth for anything except to show your beautiful smile.”

Deep confidence fills my heart as I walk away with love – knowing that my tooth will be just fine exactly the way it is.

I contemplate returning immediately to San Marcos so that I can re-engage in my writing – but a spark of intuition pushes me in a slightly different direction.

Psychic Predictions

Minutes later, I feel a strong inner drive pushing me into a local internet cafe. After sitting down in front of an old computer, I quickly connect, via Skype, to a dear friend and adopted soul-sister back home – my dear friend Michelle.

The next ninety minutes overflow with joyful tears and heartfelt discussion. Intense emotional release consumes my soul as I share a series of powerful growth stories. Peace fills my heart as I talk about an amazing afternoon in a dark and humid room – sitting in gentle and calm hot spring waters – having the most intense spiritual experience of my life while surrendering to the infinite energies of unconditional love.

My dear friend Michelle is often quite psychic. Many times her words prove to be incredibly accurate and timely. Whenever Michelle begins relaying psychic messages to me, I always listen with pure love and fascination. While Michelle’s words do not always prove to be entirely accurate at the physical level, one thing is absolutely certain in my mind.

Michelle’s words always trigger powerful growth at a more energetic level. I have intuitively learned that when I pay close attention to her bursts of psychic insight, they invariably guide me into loving experiences that result in amazing growth.

(I love you with all of my heart Michelle. Please, please, please, never stop sharing your psychic intuitions with me!)

Imagine my confusion when Michelle suddenly accesses her psychic intuitions and begins to tell me about Keith’s deep romantic love for me. Michelle literally insists that my relationship with Keith is much more than a mere friendship.

After thirty minutes of tearfully discussing such confusing insights with Michelle, her psychic insights nearly have me convinced – convinced that maybe I am burying my head in the sand – that maybe I need to open my vulnerable heart even more.

Loving Dilemmas

“Could it be true?” I ask myself. “Is it possible that Keith does indeed feel romantically inclined toward me?”

“If so,” I ponder, “what do I do? … How should I respond?”

My first reaction is to again strongly remind myself that not everything Michelle tells me turns out to be true at the physical level.

“But why …,” I ponder while thinking about the drive home from Xela, “… just why did Keith feel a need last week to strongly point out that being in a Holy Relationship does not preclude having a romantic relationship as well?”

“Was Keith trying to tell me something with that point of clarification? … Could it be that he was testing me … giving me an innocent hint to fish for my reaction?”

Then I remember the many thoughtful acts of kindness that Keith has performed this week – stopping by to check on me, bringing me cacao, etc…

“Of course I would do such things for any of my dear friends.” I remind myself. “That is what friends would do for each other. But could Keith’s actions mean something more?”

My imagination begins to run wild. I had believed my confusions to be fully resolved and behind me – but I have never before had such a close friendship with someone of the male gender. My heart doesn’t quite know how to interpret the emotions that are uncontrollably bouncing around inside.

I want to believe Michelle’s words about romance. I would love them to be true. A loving and caring romantic/physical relationship with someone like Keith has begun to sound so healing and so inviting. It has been such a very long time, and I crave the thought of being lovingly held and cherished in a romantic and physical way.

But no, I definitely do NOT want to believe Michelle’s words. There is too much risk, too much possibility of awkward entanglement, too much opportunity for hurt and rejection, too much danger that such involvement would derail my current healing path.

Haunting words of early-April meditative insights then echo through my mind: “It is time to open my heart to the possibilities of a relationship.”

“What if Michelle is right?” I ponder with terror. “What if romance with Keith is a part of my path?”

“But then again,” I counter, “what if Michelle is wrong? What if I make an utter fool of myself?”

I freeze up with inaction.

The only safe thing to do is to leave everything in the hands of the Universe. I will simply continue my passionate writing. If some type of romantic connection is destined between Keith and I, such a connection will soon reveal itself. There is nothing that I need to do except to remain genuine, loving, and vulnerable, allowing myself to sit back in my seat and to enjoy the ride.

Hamburger and Fries

I begin to literally recognize everything in the world around me as an unfolding stage play, continuously putting situations in front of me to synchronously trigger elements in my own personal journey.

On Wednesday afternoon I need a break from writing, so I head off to my favorite magical porch. During the beautiful chocolate ceremony, one of the women expresses a feeling of exhaustion, indicating that she feels as if she just wants to lie down and to be held. To my surprise, Keith takes her literally, and quickly asks one of the gentlemen in the group if he is willing to let this woman rest in his arms for a while.

From across the circle, I watch with jealous envy as I wish with all of my heart that someone would simply wrap their arms around me too. Michelle’s psychic words regarding love and romance are really starting to work their way under my emotional skin.

When group attention focuses on me, I am completely shut down, incapable of being genuine or real. I dare not ask for what I really want – to simply melt into someone’s strong supporting arms.

A few minutes later, as Keith asks me to participate in helping another man with his own internal processes, I suddenly connect with the cause of my own struggle. I am stuck because I am once again taking life too seriously – trying to be in control from an adult perspective rather than following my inner magic.

To my amazement, I easily and quickly slip back into a joyful feeling of surrender – turning my life over to present moment playfulness. For the remainder of the day, all of my fears and concerns simply melt away, back into the present moment.

Yes, my writing had begun to feel more like an obligation, driven by adult responsibility and commitment. From now on, I commit to only write when my heart is fully engaged in a feeling of playful expression.

Wednesday evening, rather than returning home to a growing feeling of “I have to write some more”, my little inner child takes over with a vengeance.

“We are not cooking tonight!” The little angel demands with stubborn determination. “We are going out for our favorite hamburger and fries over at the Blind Lemon – and then we are going to watch a fun movie before bed.”

I love my little inner child. Life seems so much simpler when I allow her playful magic to guide me.

Awkward Confessions

To my utter amazement, the unexplainable stage play continues to synchronously unfold around me on Thursday.

After writing passionately all morning, my heart again guides me to Keith’s porch. I have become tired and unmotivated while attempting to finish writing about an amazing experience with “Lightning Bolts.” I desperately need further spiritual grounding and emotional integration.

A small group of us are gathered. After another woman completes a meaningful hour of deep emotional work, she ends her powerful processing with a deep heartfelt question to Keith. This woman asks something like: “It seems like all I ever have in my life are friendships based on unconditional God-like love. Do you think I will ever heal enough to be capable of a healthy romantic relationship?”

As that processing soon ends, Keith then turns his magical focus in my direction, asking me what I want to work on.

“I think that what she just said is what I am also struggling with.” I speak up timidly. “I would love to have something more than just an unconditionally loving ‘God-like’ relationship. I too am beginning to question if I will ever have romance in my life.”

To my utter shock and amazement, the other woman and her friend soon depart, leaving Keith and I alone together. It seems that the Universe is doing everything synchronously possible to force me into confronting the confusion growing inside of me.

My stomach ties itself into a huge knot. After blurting out my vulnerable feelings, I now unexpectedly find myself alone with the very man onto whom I am projecting my relationship fears and vulnerabilities.

I want to run away … but my heart is clear on this one. It is time to face this challenge head on. I will sit back and allow the stage play to continue unfolding.

Beating Bushes

As much as I want to talk openly and honestly about my emerging struggles, I begin to panic. I do not dare to breach the subject with Keith in a head-on manner.

I have not yet had the opportunity to integrate my confusing emotions, to fully explore my feelings and vulnerabilities. I feel ill-equipped, completely unprepared to bare my soul.

My heart beats ever so rapidly.

“Shutting down my heart again is definitely not the answer.” I remind myself with love. “If I am real, genuine, and vulnerable, I can simply sit back and enjoy the ride of growth.”

I have absolutely no attachment to romance. In fact, I feel deeply puzzled by the sudden romantic hooks that seem to have been unexpectedly thrust into my heart – as if out of nowhere. I never saw those hooks coming. I am so confused.

Keith and I are soon immersed in a deep private discussion about the beautiful spiritual experiences through which I passed while basking in the hot springs at Xela.

Several times during our conversation, I openly express to Keith how deeply that I love him – in a spiritual “Holy Relationship” sort-of-way of course. But we both know that I am simply beating around the bush, trying to buy a little more time.

Keith can clearly read the energy of others, and I am simply not doing a very good job at hiding the confusing emotions that consume me. I only pray that Keith does not take me for a fool.

For whatever reason, Keith also seems to beat around the bush. With one sentence he clearly states that he himself is not ready for another relationship. Then, in another confusing sentence he utters something that leaves me guessing again.

“Why can’t Keith simply say something concrete, letting me know that a relationship is not an option?” I ask myself with frustration. “Why do his vague words seem to leave me hanging?”

As I walk home Thursday evening, confusion rules my heart.

But I am also peaceful and content – quite proud of myself for remaining genuine, honest, vulnerable, and unattached to outcomes. There is no doubt in my mind that I am in the midst of powerful growth – and that the end result will be amazing.

The part of me that remains the “observer” continues to remind me to remain fully present and to remember that everything is an inside job.

Heart in Hand

I awaken with a start. The bedroom is dark, and a quick check reveals that it is 5:00 a.m.. I resist the earliness of the hour, close my eyes, and attempt to return to dreamland – but all such attempts prove futile. Unexpected feelings consume my heart. I am incapable of stuffing the sentiments back down. The more I push, the stronger the puzzling sensations rebel and fight back.

I grab my laptop, hoping for a distraction, but the internet connection is not working – an all-too-common occurrence as of late.

Frustration again urges me to try going back to sleep – but the confusing heartache is growing, demanding my attention, demanding it now. As Friday morning inches into reality, I finally surrender to the realization that resistance is futile.

As I meditate, a vivid image implants itself firmly into my subconscious mind – an image that sends deep emotions through my soul, causing the floodgates to open wide in my now-red eyes.

My chest cavity has been skillfully pried open. My still-beating tender heart – a heart that should be thumping away inside of my chest – no longer resides in the safety of its familiar home.

As I visualize the soft tissue surrounding my vibrant pink heart, a strong intuition tells me that all of the protective walls have been magically torn down. Every barrier that kept my heart safe from hurt and rejection has been peeled away or dissolved. With no more walls, fences, barriers, or steel vaults, what remains is exposed and unarmed, open and trusting, completely defenseless and terrifyingly vulnerable

As my visualization continues, I recognize that my heart rests securely in the palm of a large masculine hand – a hand that is outstretched directly in front of me. A quick glance upward reveals a loving and familiar face. It is my dear and trusted friend Keith who warmly holds my still-beating and unprotected heart.

Vulnerability and confusion become my dance partners as the visualization continues.

“What are these feelings inside of me?” I ponder through tear-filled eyes. “Who put them there? What is their purpose?”

“I am a ball of soft warm clay and Keith is the potter.” The intuitions continue to flow.

“Can I trust Keith to help me mold my heart-clay into a divine symphony … to do it with no ulterior motives … without trampling on my exposed and unprotected vulnerability?”

Angel’s Operating Table

Keith often refers to the process as the “angel’s operating table.”

For the entire morning I struggle with deep vulnerability that actually borders on love-sickness. I cry, I pout, I curl up in a ball on the bed, I mediate, I write, I pout, I cry, and I curl up some more.

I have reached a point of total surrender – surrender to spirit – surrender to love – surrender to trust – surrender to the unknown process. I have no concept of what is happening to me, nor do I have the slightest clue as to where this unimaginable and frightening feeling of love-sick vulnerability might be leading me.

I recognize that energetic shifts are taking place inside – but I am completely unaware as to what exactly is shifting and changing. All I can do is trust in a strong inner knowing – a deep inner intuition that continues to whisper that I am exactly where I need to be – that I am right in the middle of an amazing growth process.

At noon, after seven non-stop hours of confusing internal feelings – feelings that continuously call for my surrender – I know only one thing for certain.

Vulnerabilities or not, I am about to walk over to my favorite magical porch.

Vulnerable Surrender

For the third day in a row, I am amazed by the synchronous stage play that again unfolds, as if for my very benefit.

Even though Keith’s normally scheduled class begins at 12:30 p.m., he is already in the middle of doing some powerful emotional work with a young couple. Keith invites me in, but requests that I sit quietly in the shadows while he continues.

For the next hour, I observe as Keith pulls out one magic trick after another, assisting this loving couple to engage in a deep journey of heart sharing – a journey in which he teaches them to channel their masculine and feminine energies to each other – a deep loving journey of emotional surrender. My heart melts as I watch the loving expressions on this couple’s faces as they stare into each other’s souls. How I long for such a relationship in my own life.

As this couple finally departs at 1:30 p.m., there are three of us left. As if on cue, the other young man who remains excuses himself for a cigarette break, leaving Keith and I alone for the second time in two days. We have just enough private time for me to expose all of the vulnerabilities of my heart.

I don’t waste any precious time.

“I feel as if my tender heart has been gently removed from my chest.” I apprehensively tell Keith as tears begin to stream rapidly down my cheeks. “All of the walls and barriers protecting my heart have been torn down. My heart is now terrified, sitting vulnerably in the palm of your hand.”

“I don’t know what to do.” I continue my shaking and tearful confession. “I have been crying, meditating, and struggling for seven straight hours. Please, help me … and please be gentle with my heart.”

In the most loving way possible, Keith first gives me the perfect closure that I seek, tenderly reassuring me that he is not now in a place where he is capable of involving himself in a relationship – lovingly emphasizing that his reasons have absolutely nothing to do whatsoever with me.

“I feel so relieved.” I tell Keith with a sigh. “I am actually quite terrified at the thought of entering into a romantic relationship.”

I am quite surprised to hear my own words.

Relationship Magic

“Close your eyes.” Keith calmly tells me. “Let’s explore that relationship terror.”

“Tell me why you are so afraid of a relationship.” Keith continues, as he begins to pull out his next bag of tricks.

I quickly relate a detailed story of how I completely lost myself in my last relationship ten years ago – of how it took me years of painful struggle to heal and to rebuild my life.

“I know it sounds selfish,” I begin to respond, “but if I ever get into another romantic relationship, I cannot and I will not allow my own personal needs to be sacrificed. I would need to have the freedom to follow my heart in whatever way it guides me – no matter what – and I would expect my partner to have the same freedom.”

Keith latches onto my words and blows me away when he pulls a beautiful white rabbit out of his metaphorical magician’s hat.

Keith points out a once-hidden fact that suddenly becomes clear and obvious.

Not only is “losing myself” my biggest fear when it comes to romantic relationships – it is also my biggest fear with every type of situation and relationship – especially with roommates and close friendships.

If I get too involved in anything, whether it be with a friend or with an activity, I will loose control of my own life – I will be restricted from following my own passions – I will be sucked into the wake of someone else’s speed boat, following behind them instead of listening to my own heart – instead of blazing my own trail.

As if this insight is not enough, Keith quickly pulls an even larger rabbit out of his magic hat.

“Brenda,” Keith coaches me, “You are not afraid that someone else will take your power from you. You are afraid because you absolutely know that you WILL give your power away – guaranteed – a done deal – even if no one asks for it. That is who you are … that is what you do … that is the essence of what you are afraid of.”

Shock and Awe

I am shocked as I internalize Keith’s powerful words. I absolutely know them to be true.

I am not afraid of relationships because they will take away my power … I am afraid of relationships because I will sacrifice my power to them.

My fear has nothing to do with the other person taking – my fear has everything to do with me sacrificing myself. I am internally programmed to sacrifice my own needs. That is my belief regarding what a friend or partner should do.

At last I realize why I crave privacy – why I long to have my own space – why I am so terrified, selective, and protective when faced with the daunting opportunity for new friendships.

I simply do not trust myself to care for my own needs – to put my own passions first.

I am in awe as the amazing power of this new insight settles into my soul.

I am still operating under the subtle guidance of childhood programming that is not mine – programming telling me that to be loved I need to please others – programming telling me to sacrifice my own needs for the good of others. I no longer want such an unhealthy operating system ruling my subconscious behaviors.

First, Keith takes me on a journey where I surrender this obsolete programming, giving it back to mother earth. Next, I ask Higher Self to bring in new light and divine programming to replace the now-empty space in my soul.

While I do already feel subtle energy shifts, I intuitively realize that this is an experience that will require time to quantify and to validate.

Roundtrip to Hell

“Brenda,” Keith queries. “Do you like your newfound vulnerability, or would you rather go back to a safe place where you live surrounded by protective walls?”

The answer is obvious. My heart sings as I choose my newfound freedom and vulnerability.

“Let’s take a journey back to where you came from.” Keith encourages me.

The thought terrifies me, but I soon allow Keith to guide me back into a dark and fearful place – a place in my subconscious where love and vulnerability are shielded from a risky world – protected by walls, barriers, fences, steel vaults, and locked cages.

As I enter this terrifying space, my skin crawls with the cold chill of emotional isolation – with the stark awareness of fear and anxiety crouching in every dark and musty corner.

“I don’t want to stay here!” I express to Keith with uneasy concern.

Keith guides me repeatedly, out and then back into this former place of safety and security. Each imaginary journey helps me to realize that remaining in such a hidden and dark place is simply no longer a viable option.

After repeated round trips into this unpleasant experience of closed-off isolation, Keith tells me that I am now about to go even deeper – right down to the very bottom of this frightening dark pit.

“If you go there,” Keith lovingly reassures me, “I am guided to promise that you will find a gift on the ground. When you discover that beautiful gift, you can bring it back with you. It will be yours to keep.”

The first few steps of this new meditative journey are quite like those of the previous fifteen minutes. But with each imagined downward step, sheer terror and panic soon begin to crowd my soul. I start to shake and to cry. Fear all but consumes me as I go still deeper and deeper into the thick cold darkness.

Soon, I reach what I know to be the bottom. As I look around through the stiff darkness, searching for my gift, I finally discover a little wrapped box. Intuitively I know that my gift contains light and love.

I am quite happy to leave this dark place for the final time, but I am even more thrilled to have an increased awareness of the light and love that are now illuminating my path. I will never retreat back into those walls – walls that provide only a counterfeit version of safety.

Vulnerability and genuine openness are so much more fun.

Subtle Shifts

“Brenda,” Keith begins a new train of thought. “I just read your blog entry titled ‘Lightning Bolts.’”

“That was an amazing experience – a powerful gift to get your attention.” Keith tells me with confidence. “But something much more subtle and even more powerful is going on inside of you right this very minute. Things are powerfully shifting in your internal belief systems. You need do nothing to make it happen – but you can shut it down at any time if you want.”

Somehow, I know what Keith is saying to be true.

Yes, having powerful lightning bolts of high-voltage electricity running through my fingertips is one thing – but feeling my entire outlook on life shifting in subtle yet powerful ways is even more amazing.

Synchronous Symphonies

I begin to reflect on an amazing series of synchronous threads that have brought me to this powerful healing moment. It seems as if many different instruments have been harmoniously playing, carefully guiding me into this powerful symphony of growth.

There are far too many synchronicities to mention them all, but I must mention a few.

First were experiences in Tikal, nine long months ago, followed by dreams and meditation that told me quite clearly, “Tear down your walls and open your heart to the possibility of relationships.”

Then there were surprising comments from Merrill, just three months ago, filling my head with relationship thoughts involving Keith.

Next, how could I forget Keith’s subtle guidance – an inner knowing telling him to invite me along on an unforgettable journey.

Then a silly little tooth fell out on the very morning of that amazing journey – a profound journey into spiritual surrender that has forever left its mark on my life.

Next, that same loose tooth guided me to a dentist in Panajachel – a place where I was subsequently guided to a Skype connection. Had I not made that call, and had Michelle not followed her own psychic intuition, I could never have reached such a pure and genuine state of vulnerability.

Then, for three days in a row, amazingly synchronous events repeatedly pushed me to expose my vulnerabilities – guiding me to tear down the final walls surrounding my heart – pressing me to a state of absolute vulnerability and surrender.

And then there is Keith.

Keith, have I told you lately how much I love you?

This amazing spiritual magician did indeed prove himself to be a skilled potter, lovingly and gently molding the soft warm clay of my heart – helping me to find powerful growth lessons in my beautiful state of vulnerability – helping me to recognize and to understand how my emotional romantic projections onto him have helped me to heal deep emotional vulnerabilities from my past.

“Brenda,” Keith lovingly teases me, “I am here for whatever you need. Please know that you can project anything that you need to project onto me, and that I will be here to help you unravel your healing lessons.”

A Beautiful Friendship

Yes, I do indeed have a pure and divine friendship with my dear friend Keith. I am so eternally grateful that he has allowed me to process my intimate inner journey in such a public way.

As insignificant as it may seem to the casual eye, surrendering to the deep vulnerabilities of my own heart has literally been one of the most profound experiences of my life.

I cannot wait to see where my beautiful friendship with Keith might lead me next.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

 
(This is the ninth installment of a series of posts describing my experiences in San Marcos, Guatemala from November 7^th up to the present time. Subsequent posts will follow very soon.)

Today’s story begins in Tikal, where a series of bizarre synchronicities guided me into an amazing roller-coaster-ride to the moon – a midnight full-moon fantasy in the midst of towering ancient Mayan temples, surrounded by the moonlit canopy of monkey-filled jungles. That life-changing journey, and the emotionally charged minefield of growth explosions that followed, are fully documented in my writings of early April, 2010.

As I explored the gut-wrenching emotions of those experiences in Tikal, an unexpected and extremely vivid dream guided me into deep meditation – meditation that whispered in a very loud voice “Brenda, it is time for you to open your heart to the possibilities of a relationship.”

My heart cringed with terror as I considered the fearful chore that the Universe seemed to be placing in front of me.

Throughout the summer months, my heart and eyes were ever opening as I began to develop several amazing connections with divine beings of the male gender. The growth began with Stephen – an amazing man from Australia. As synchronicity would have it, Stephen, whom I still consider to be a dear friend, became the catalyst for my endearing connection with Sandra – he just “happened to be” the father of Sandra’s best friend. I felt so relieved when my connection with Stephen soon revealed itself to be a safe and unconditionally-loving friendship – nothing more.

During the growth-filled summer, I continued to keep my heart open – wondering just what unexpected twists the Universe might have in store for me.

“Am I supposed to meet a man and fall in love?” I pondered to myself, “Or am I simply being guided into a process of spiritual surrender – of opening my vulnerability to deepening love – of tearing down relationship walls that imprison my heart – walls that were built during a period of deep heartache nearly ten years ago?”

During those summer months, my ever-opening heart connected me with several other men. Among others, there were people like Robert, an amazing traveler who asked to sit and enjoy oatmeal with me at the Blue Lily cafe, a man with whom I took pleasure in several hours of deep spiritually-intimate and life-sharing conversation on two different occasions. Then along came Dr. Bill, an intriguing medical gift to many indigenous Mayans living deep in the jungles of Guatemala. With each heart-opening encounter, I again felt profound relief when the relationships revealed themselves to be of the non-romantic variety.

And then, of course, along came my amazing growth-filled friendship with Keith. After only a few sessions of sharing mystical heart magic with my favorite Chocolate Shaman, I began to feel a deep and genuine spiritually-intimate connection. Again, my heart asked the puzzling question, “What is the nature of our beautiful friendship? Is this heart-connection leading me into the fearful realm of romantic entanglement?”

As had happened many times before, I peacefully knew that the answer was simply, “It does not matter … my only role in the process is to be real, genuine, vulnerable, and present … nothing more.” With the Universe as my guide, a feeling of complete trust peacefully reassured me that I could simply lean back in my seat and enjoy the powerful ride.

Warnings from Merrill

Returning to visit Merrill after my Sun Course seemed about as likely as wanting to go for a casual swim in a swamp filled with hungry crocodiles. My crystal-healing experience in May had left me believing that Merrill was extremely gifted with deep psychic intuitions – but my own internal voices carefully advised me to pass everything that Merrill tells me through the filter of my own heart-knowing. My intuitions screamed loud and clear that while the core of Merrill’s psychic words are usually uncannily accurate, she has a tendency to interpret and to present her psychic intuitions through lenses that are slightly discolored by her own emotional issues.

Imagine my utter surprise when strong internal guidance pushed me back into this gifted crystal lady’s treatment room. Even greater was my surprise at hearing the first words that came out of Merrill’s mouth as I rested on her crystal table for only the second time.

“Brenda,” Merrill blurted out, “After you came in last week to schedule your appointment, I have been meditating frequently about you, seeking guidance regarding today’s session.”

Merrill had my attention.

“Each time that I go into meditation,” Merrill continued speaking with confidence, “I almost immediately see you with Keith.”

Now Merrill had my complete and undivided attention.

“I need to powerfully warn you,” Merrill admonished me, “that a relationship with Keith would not be a good thing for you. It would detract you from your own important life mission. Don’t do it!”

As I later pondered Merrill’s completely unexpected words, deep internal peace reassured me that Merrill was quite accurate in her insights – but that she had once again interpreted her psychic vision through a slightly distorted worldview.

My heart beamed with clarity regarding the fact that I was indeed in a relationship with Keith – an incredible healing relationship that is nothing more than an unconditionally-loving friendship between two divine beings.

Yes, I had slightly entertained thoughts about what it might be like to be in a romantic pursuit with someone like Keith, but my own internal guidance was also very strong, reminding me that my own passionate healing journey is far too important – that my personal inspired path could never be sacrificed for any reason. Romantic entanglements – while growth-filled in and of themselves – might severely hamper my ability to continue forward in my own unique journey.

“No,” I reassured myself, “I will not take such a risk unless guided by strong internal intuitions.”

Later, when I casually mentioned Merrill’s prophetic words to Sandra, I was surprised by her response.

“Brenda,” Sandra lovingly replied. “I have picked up on the same energy. I see the bond that you have with Keith, and I think that the two of you would be an amazing couple.”

Yes, I have to admit, that in the back of my mind Merrill’s words had triggered deeply curious thoughts – curiosities about settling down, of being held and cuddled, of being physically loved, of being someone’s soul mate. The idea sounded so inviting, so safe and secure. Yet I remained quite firm in the profound knowing that my relationship with Keith is not of the romantic variety.

But in my heart I still pondered a deep question: “I wonder if a relationship with a man like Keith could possibly be somewhere down my inspired yellow-brick road?”

Questions of Motive

It is Wednesday, December 1 – the very same day that dear Sharonski is moving her belongings into my spare bedroom.

“Brenda,” Keith asks me, “I am going on a day-trip to buy cacao beans this Saturday. I was wondering if you would like to come along for the ride?”

“Absolutely!” I eagerly respond without needing even a moment to think. “I would love the opportunity to tag along. It sounds fascinating.”

“Is there anything I need to bring?” I ask with curiosity – not fully sure where we are going.

“Just bring lots of drinking water, your swimsuit, and a towel.” Keith responds matter-of-factly, adding, “I always like to stop at the hot springs near Xela on my way home from buying cacao.

As I share my upcoming plans with Sharon, I am caught off guard by her teasing comment.

“Oh,” Sharon giggles while talking in the third person. “Brenda is going on a date.”

In the conversation that unfolds, I learn from Sharon that she and a couple of others have engaged in casual speculation, wondering if Keith and I were either in a relationship, or if such a relationship was about to happen.

Again, I lovingly reassure Sharon that my relationship with Keith is an amazing and unconditionally loving friendship – nothing more. Sharon seems satisfied by my firm well-thought-out response – but I have to honestly admit that I am beginning to wonder if I believe my own words.

“If Keith were to show romantic interest in me,” I question myself silently, “what would I do? … How would I respond? … Would I feel the same way?”

I have to admit that if Keith were to outwardly express such interest, that I would indeed be deeply tempted to explore just where the possibilities might lead.

Change of Plans

Friday night, while Sharon is out to dinner celebrating Holly’s birthday, I go to bed early and am sleeping like an exhausted baby. At around 10:30 p.m., I barely hear loud banging on my door. The ear plugs I am wearing do their job almost too well.

‘Brenda,” Keith apologizes, “I am so sorry for waking you up, but I wanted to come over tonight so that you can sleep in early tomorrow morning. I can’t go tomorrow. I completely forgot that I had scheduled a conflicting appointment, and I don’t want you to be out on the road waiting for me at 6:00 a.m..”

I am indeed very grateful for the opportunity to get more rest. My cough and cold are beginning to consume me, right along with the inner-child exhaustion.

“I plan on going to buy cacao beans on Tuesday instead.” Keith continues, “Would that still work for you?”

Quite soon, I am back in dreamland – but a good night of rest is not in the Universe’s plans. I am smack-dab in the middle of a very exhausting week – a journey in which I am getting to know my little three-year-old inner child. That spunky little Sharon is about to wake me again up to give me a piece of her mind. Regardless of my own needs and desires, I am destined to stare at the ceiling for half of the night while being lectured and humbled by a divine little angel.

The Adventure Begins

It is 5:15 a.m. on Tuesday morning, December 7. Sharon will most likely depart sometime today on her own journey, so she has asked me to wake her up early. Over fresh-squeezed lemon tea and oatmeal, the two of us share a delightful conversation – a discussion that might be our last together in San Marcos. Sharonski and I have reached a deep place of healing. Loving emotion overflows as we exchange our final hugs.

I simply giggle and ignore the fact that my left front tooth just fell off a few minutes earlier while flossing. This is the same crown that slipped off of my titanium implant prior to leaving Cozumel just over a year ago. I carefully push the tooth back into place, smile at the timing, and wonder what, if any, synchronous message the loose tooth may be bringing.

At ten minutes to six I joyfully stroll up a dimly-lit cobblestone path. Two minutes later I climb up onto an old rock wall in the center of San Marcos, eagerly waiting for Keith to drive by. Just fifty feet away, a group of young men engage in a rough-and-tumble basketball scrimmage – enjoying their noisy pre-sunrise exercise in the small-town sports arena.

Five minutes later two headlights approach. In just seconds I am sitting shotgun in an old Toyota pickup truck. I am quite shocked to learn that the little truck dates clear back to 1986, and that the trusty transport has already clocked over 225,000 miles – many of those miles occurring between Costa Rica and the California. Keith apologizes for the dirt all over the windows. His dusty little vehicle does its job quite well, but keeping it clean is quite the chore when driving the mountain roads surrounding Lake Atitlan.

As we begin to climb the steep hillsides, the lake below shimmers under a light glow. Dawn reveals a beautiful unfolding scene – a clear and spectacular view of jungle-covered volcanoes and awe-inspiring vistas of a calm and deep-blue Lake Atitlan.

Fifteen minutes later, as we near the top of a ridge, Keith turns his truck onto a small dirt road, revealing a beautiful panorama below. We hoped for a fantastic camera opportunity, but the bright morning sun broke above the distant volcano-clad horizon just minutes earlier. Any attempt at a pristine photo op is slightly hampered by the glaring orange glow of a beautiful sunrise.

“This is one of the clearest times of the year.” Keith fills me in. “In just a few days time, the clean crisp air will begin to be filled with haze that blows in from the coast as the indigenous farmers start to burn their sugar cane fields down by the ocean.”

The concept of passing-time becomes completely irrelevant as beautiful scenery and delightful conversation continuously fill my attention with pleasant distractions.

As we drive along a tall mountain ridge, a breath-taking view suddenly unfolds below. To our right, a huge valley is completely engulfed by flat low-lying clouds. The amazing vista reveals a fairy-tale-like scene. The clouds below give the illusion of being a huge lake. The texture of these white bumpy clouds makes it appear as if rolling waves are churning in the mists. A lone peak in the middle of the mountainous cloud-lake appears to be a beautiful and magical island – like a small volcano rising from a mystical sea of clouds.

Keith suddenly slows down, and just seconds later we pull off the road. I am stunned by the beauty of this breathtaking vista. With camera in hand, I hop out into the very cool and crisp morning air.

“This is the highest point on the Inter-Americas Highway.” Keith tells me enthusiastically.

I am shocked as Keith informs me that this beautiful mountain pass is over 11,000 feet above sea level. I giggle as I notice that the grass under my feet is covered by small ice crystals of frozen morning dew.

I listen with surprise as Keith shares another fact.

“We are so high that it sometimes snows here.” Keith tells me.

I am shocked to learn that snow can indeed fall this far south in Central America.

I love Keith’s relaxed traveling style. Rather than rushing to our destination, we stop frequently for camera opportunities, visiting an old rock quarry, and playing tourist at a very old and interesting Catholic church.

Shortly after 9:00 a.m., approximately three hours after leaving San Marcos, Keith parks his little pickup truck in a lot just across the street from a place that is now quite familiar. I clearly recognize the massive outdoor markets of Xela – the same place where I had been dropped off during my first lone visit to this beautiful city just over eight months ago – the same market in which I had once felt quite helpless and lost while searching for a little public “collectivo” to transport me into the city center. I chuckle as I recall having had to pay two fares on that April morning – one for me and one for my backpack.

Those days of fear and insecurity seem so very long ago. Confidence now overflows in my heart as I ponder how amazingly far I have come in such a short time.

Bargaining For Beans

While Keith and I scour Xela’s huge outdoor market for cacao vendors, I begin to feel quite nostalgic as I reminisce back to my first introduction to cacao in early March. Those amazing days of Mayan cultural immersion in Belize continuously take on a more powerful significance in my memories. Eight months ago, the Universe guided me into brief hands-on learning about the farming and processing of cacao. Now, during the past five months, I have been deeply blessed as I continue to benefit from cacao’s use as a gentle heart-opening facilitator.

Today I am privileged to learn one of the final puzzle-pieces – how to shop for cacao beans – learning tips and tricks in selecting and bargaining for the raw chocolate that will contain the highest possible concentrations of the natural compounds that help to open heart consciousness. The “love-grade” chocolate that Keith sells and uses in his chocolate ceremonies is composed of one hundred percent raw cacao. But the secret is all in the cacao bean selection. Not just any cacao bean will do.

Keith and I visit what must be at least fifteen separate vendors who are scattered throughout the maze of narrow pathways leading here and there in the market. As we tediously sample one cacao bean after another, Keith spends considerable time coaching me on each of the various techniques that he uses for selecting the best beans. By Keith’s personal request, I will not divulge any of those secrets here in my writing. Suffice it to say that a combination of both technique and intuitive feelings are used in the selection process.

Before revealing his own opinions, Keith frequently asks me to give him my own personal evaluation regarding the usability of a particular sack of cacao beans. By the time my training is complete I am thrilled that my own intuitive choices seem to accurately match Keith’s expert opinions.

After narrowing our pool of choices down to only four vendors, we then begin to discuss final prices and quantities. Keith is prepared to purchase as many as five hundred pounds of cacao beans – but only one vendor will bargain for a reasonable price, and that vendor has only one large sack of beans that meet our criteria. Forty five minutes later, a young Mayan man loads that one-hundred-and-sixteen-pound sack into the back of Keith’s truck. We end up with far fewer beans than hoped for – but what we do have will last Keith for another few weeks.

Market Munchies

With the primary purpose for our trip having now been accomplished, our focus immediately shifts to other goals – namely shopping, shopping, and then perhaps maybe just a little more shopping.

Shopping in San Marcos is limited to basic staples, a few paper supplies, and a small assortment of seasonal fruits and vegetables. Trips to larger towns and cities always become an opportunity to stock up on much-needed items at cheaper prices.

Keith and I first reenter the large outdoor market. Over the next hour or so, my shopping bags gradually fill up with a large papaya, bananas, tomatoes, potatoes, mandarin oranges, and a bag of yummy candied peanuts.

My tummy soon begins to growl and grumble, actively telling me that the time for physical nourishment has come and gone.

“Let’s just grab a quick bite here in the Market.” Keith suggests.

I glance trustingly at Keith’s face while quickly checking in with my own inner guidance.

“Sure,” I respond with intuitive confidence, quickly pushing old doubts and fears out of the way.

While many travelers find street food to be an economical way to eat for pennies, I have remained quite cautious and skeptical. “Can I trust the food?” “Under what conditions was it prepared?” “Just what might really be inside?” “Will it make me sick or give me parasites?”

A minute later, Keith and I are munching down on a couple of “Chuchitos”. These little curiosities cost two Quetzales each (about 25 cents), and consist of some type of cornmeal tamale-like fried dough with a small (and I do mean small) piece of chicken meat inside. I eventually discover my chicken tidbit after first swallowing about two-thirds of the bland-tasting dough.

But hey, it fills my stomach and takes the bite out of my hunger. Thinking ahead, Keith and I each buy one more Chuchito, stuffing them in our bags. We will need something to munch on a little later.

Treasure Hunts

Our next stop is the “Hiper Pais” department store, along with a modern mall right next door. I quickly find the treasure that I seek – a small travel hair dryer. For more than three months now, ever since my old blow dryer burned out during the Sun Course, I have resorted to simply allowing my hair to dry the natural way – straight and plain. I eagerly look forward to finally being able to add a slight wave here and there.

Oh the things I used to take for granted!

About the only other things I buy in the store are much needed cough drops and a can of coconut cream – something to sweeten and flavor the cacao that I now love to drink before writing.

With my prized possessions in tow, I simply become Keith’s faithful shadow while he completes his own purchasing errands. Before leaving, Keith and I spend an extra twenty minutes browsing a very interesting store in the mall – the very same Egyptian store where I purchased my Tarot cards last June. I love how old experiences continue to bring me full circle.

The final stop in our shopping whirlwind will be the “Mercado La Democracia.” As Keith steers his little pickup through increasing afternoon traffic, I am quite shocked to glimpse what appears to be a new Mormon temple under construction up on a nearby hill. To my surprise, Keith quickly detours, taking me closer for a brief photo op. Even more surprising is that we drive right into the construction site, right past a Spanish-language sign that proclaims “entrance forbidden.” With my camera in hand, I simply giggle as a guard soon approaches, instructing us to leave. Somehow I know that one of these photos will end up in a little newsletter to my dear sweet grandchildren.

As Keith and I hurriedly stroll through and around our second outdoor-marketplace of the day, I pick up a few more vegetables while Keith discovers his own final treasure – a stack of plastic cups that will perfectly complement the others he already owns – cups that will allow Keith to serve even more cacao at chocolate ceremonies with ever-increasing numbers of participants.

Destination Unknown

“Which hot spring do you want to go to?” Keith had asked me earlier while still driving toward our final market stop.

Keith lays out many vague options before me. I learn that the most popular tourist spot is very crowded and has thirty-minute time limits for visitors.

As I ponder the many possibilities, the idea of big crowds and short time limits does not appeal to my heart strings.

“Take me to one of the places that is less crowded,” I respond to Keith, “to a place where we can spend as much time as we want.”

“You know the area much better than I do.” I add with loving trust. “Just take me to wherever your intuition guides you.”

As we pull away from the “Mercado La Democracia,” butterflies begin to flitter around in my stomach. While I know that Keith and I are merely friends, a pesky little voice in the back of my mind is babbling away, harassing me with thoughts and questions.

It has been ten long years since I last enjoyed the solo company of a man while sitting together in swimsuits, relaxing in the intimate setting a hot spring. During that romance-filled trip to Lava Hot Springs in Southern Idaho, I was hopelessly infatuated, deeply in love, thinking that perhaps I might even end up marrying the man who was showering me with so much adoration and loving attention. Later that same year, the relationship fell apart in very confusing ways. My tender heart had been devastated. As I struggled to gather up the scattered pieces of my soul, I was not sure if I would ever again open my heart to such levels of vulnerability and intimacy.

So here I am, ten powerful healing years later, about to enjoy an unknown hot spring experience with a dear friend – a man with whom I have become quite emotionally intimate in the realm of spirituality – a beautiful man whom I love unconditionally with all of my heart. But today’s circumstances are entirely different than those of ten years ago. My relationship with Keith is strictly spiritual – an amazing and beautiful cherished friendship.

“Or is it?” the voices chatter away incessantly in my head. “Is this really a date like Sharon teased?” “Where is Keith taking me?” “Is our relationship about to change?” “Could it be that he is about to express a romantic interest in me?” “How will I respond if he does?”

As I face a feeling of simultaneous confusion and confidence, my mind is again peacefully guided back to a profound state of inner knowing – something I believe with all of my heart.

“It does not matter what Keith’s interests may or may not be … my only role in the process is to be real, genuine, vulnerable, and present … nothing more.”

Intuition again clearly reassures me, “Simply lean back in your seat and enjoy the powerful ride – no expectations, no attachments – just be present.”

Surprise and Trust

The thirty-minute drive begins with more delightful reminiscing as Keith and I pass right through the central plaza of Xela. Warm memories fill my glowing heart as we drive through familiar neighborhoods – places where I have slept, eaten meals, studied Spanish, and even experienced my first earthquake.

But soon, recognizable views give way to sights that are new – places upon which I have never set foot. Minutes later, we leave the boundaries of Xela and begin to pass through beautiful mountainous terrain. In another twenty minutes, surprise completely consumes me when Keith suddenly announces that we have arrived at our destination.

We are stopped in a gravel parking lot in front of what appears to be an old and rundown motel-like structure. With complete trust in my heart, I grab my backpack and step into the unknown, fully trusting Keith as my guide.

We pay our 10 Quetzales (about $1.25 US), after which Keith leads me down a long dimly-lit hallway. Both sides of the hall are lined by individual doorways – again reminding me of an old motel. But instead of each room containing beds and furniture, I note that behind each open doorway is a private hot-tub-like sunken concrete pool area.

The place feels clean enough, but its older age, the dim lighting in the halls, and the damp humidity of the environment, give the building a simultaneous feeling that makes me slightly uneasy.

“This is definitely not a place that I would come to by myself.” I ponder quietly as Keith and I continue walking toward the far end of the hall.

I cannot help but notice that the room Keith has chosen, the last one on the right, is the most dimly lit and isolated room of all. I quickly excuse myself to use a restroom just around the corner while Keith changes into his swimsuit.

When I return to the room, Keith excuses himself, giving me a few minutes of privacy. As I perform my own quick change, I take a few moments to examine the dark concrete room in which I find myself. The ten foot by twelve foot enclosure has a lone and tiny window, nearly ten feet above the pool. The window allows a small glimmer of daylight to filter in. The single light bulb on the ceiling, when switched on, radiates only a small amount of illumination.

The pool area is itself maybe six feet square and perhaps about two and a half feet deep. Several concrete steps gradually lead down to the shallow bottom. Hot spring water is rushing out of an old PVC pipe and faucet. Keith had begun to fill the makeshift pool just moments before stepping out.

After changing, I leave the door slightly ajar and tiptoe down the steps into the glorious steaming water bath. It has been so long since my body has been immersed in a pool of hot water. The sulfur-like odor of the spring is slightly distracting, but I quickly grow accustomed to the scent. The temperature is hot, but not too hot – slightly cooler than a hot tub back home. With the luxurious water engulfing my now-moist skin, I feel as if I am in heaven.

“The water is piped in from a hot spring up on the side of the hill.” Keith tells me after joining me in the pool.

“There are many places like this one here in this little village.” Keith continues. “But this is my favorite.”

Keith sits in one corner while I sit in the opposite, next to the steps. My feet rest comfortably on the ground near Keith’s right side.

A feeling of complete trust and surrender intuitively whisper: “All is well.”

Chocolate Miracles

Imagine my surprise when Keith announces that he has brought chocolate.

“Is he trying to open and soften my heart so that he can make a romantic move on me?” I momentarily ponder with a giggle.

Again, I surrender to the moment, knowing implicitly, with all of my heart, that I can trust Keith – that whatever his motives may be, they are indeed pure.

Minutes later, I am slowly sipping on a cup containing one half ceremonial dose (one ounce) of magical and mystical raw cacao, continuing to giggle inside as I surrender to the moment, trusting that whatever is about to unfold will be amazing – and the best part of the moment is that I have no attachment whatsoever. My vulnerabilities are open, my heart is genuine, and my intentions are pure. The rest is up to divine guidance.

And the next hour of conversation is indeed divine. Our discussion is free flowing, genuine, animated, and deeply spiritual. I grill Keith with questions about his own spiritual healing journey of the past thirty years. We talk extensively about my own healing path, especially focusing on the growth that I have been passing through over the last few weeks.

I request feedback regarding my own intuitive insights – insights that have come to me while working with other participants in chocolate gatherings. The guidance Keith provides is loving and encouraging.

Deep unconditional love flows through my veins as gratitude overflows in my heart – gratitude for the peace, gratitude for the fact that all of my silliness has been shown to be just that – silly fears about romance, silly worries that no longer even show up on my radar screen. Keith is showing himself to be an incredible and honorable gentleman – a fact that only makes me love him even more.

Enchanted Chanting

In my bliss, I begin to mindlessly chat about my social growth, going on about how I have learned so much about social interaction from being around and observing Sandra. Then I drift into a momentary state of disconnected fear as I start to discuss my tendency to occasionally retreat into past social insecurities.

As Keith tunes into my new energy, he immediately tunes me out. His eyes close in exactly the same way that I have seen them do many times before. I realize that Keith is receiving some type of internal guidance … but what he does next literally blows me away.

Keith suddenly begins toning – creating a beautiful harmonic resonance with his voice. I have heard him do similar things many times in groups, but what he does today seems to literally whisk me off into a different reality. As the harmonic tones bounce and echo off the walls of our small enclosed hot-tub room, I cease talking, slip into a meditative state, and begin to float away in ecstasy.

A few minutes later, as Keith briefly pauses, I again begin to chatter away, almost mindlessly.

Keith immediately interrupts, resuming his vocal enchantment – but this time, rather than toning, Keith begins to chant in a powerful way that reminds me of something that Tibetan or Hindu monks might have done in a fourteenth century monastery – perhaps somewhere high in the Himalayan Mountains.

The energy I feel is amazing and strangely familiar. A deep sense of knowing surges through my heart, telling me that I am very familiar with this type of chanting, that I have done it myself many times before in a past life – perhaps even with Keith.

Again Keith pauses, and I restart my talking.

Keith immediately resumes his enchanting vocal concert. I get the message and stop thinking about what I will say when Keith finishes. Instead, I simply decide to stop thinking.

My soul whispers to me: “shut up … surrender … be … feel … surrender … experience … do nothing … surrender … allow … melt … flow … surrender.”

I gleefully obey the desires of my soul. The feeling of complete spiritual surrender consumes my focus.

Keith continues chanting and toning almost nonstop for what must be at least the next thirty minutes. Throughout the blissful experience, I simply melt into the moment, feeling as if I am close to vibrating away into another dimension

Balls of Energy

When Keith eventually ceases his concert of vocal magic, I am mesmerized and dazzled, drifting aimlessly in the vibrating energy. I no longer have even the slightest desire to speak. The only thing I want to do is to remain exactly where I am, keeping my eyes closed, doing exactly what I am already doing.

In a process of continuous gradual surrender, I feel myself going deeper and deeper into a state of universal oneness. A momentary thought guides me to enter a Mer-Ka-Ba meditation. Soon I sense a powerful ball of energy surrounding my heart chakra. The energy begins to expand in intensity, feeling like a highly pressurized globe of love literally hovering inside my chest.

While focusing on this amazing heart energy, I begin to realize that my cheeks feel extremely flushed and hot. Keeping my eyes tightly closed, I momentarily speak, quietly mentioning to Keith about the almost-unbearable heat sensation in my face.

I half expect Keith to add a little cooler water to the pool, but for some reason he does nothing except sit silently, quietly and energetically holding the space.

A whisper of intuition tells me to take no physical action – to simply sit with my discomfort – to surrender to that discomfort – to do so without fear, resistance or worry.

As I sit in my ever-intensifying state of burning heat, I receive another peaceful intuition – this one telling me to perform Reiki on my face. The thought crosses my mind that I have been sitting in a hot pool of water for at least two hours now. I am also reminded of the fact that I have consumed over an ounce of raw cacao – a substance which also opens up the blood vessels – especially to my brain.

Seconds later, the palms of my hands are gently touching my fiery cheeks – channeling Universal energy to help balance the energy movement in my body – releasing some of the hot energy in my cheeks and forehead by opening up an energy flow throughout the region.

Gratitude fills my heart as I begin to sense the amazing results of my actions.

Following my intuitions, I gradually move my hands outward, away from my face, expanding them ever so slowly. As I do so, I feel a second ball of energy – one that matches the energy already hovering in my heart. This new energy ball begins to expand, filling the area in and around my skull. Just like the energy engulfing my heart, this new energy field also feels extremely powerful and highly pressurized.

Eventually, my arms are outstretched at shoulder height with my palms curving upwards, facing back toward my face. In this position, I sit in blissful silence, consciously holding this immensely pleasurable energy field around my head.

The energy in my skull vibrates with a peaceful intensity, the likes of which I have never before felt in my entire life. My entire upper body is literally overflowing with an indescribable sensation of pure love.

Rippling Waves

After maintaining this blissful arms-raised position for nearly thirty minutes, an internal state-of-knowing proceeds to guide me into yet-another unplanned journey.

“Connect to mother earth and father sun/sky.” The intuitions tell me.

Raising my left palm higher to the sky, I then lower my right hand back down into the hot water with my fingertips touching the bottom of the pool.

The energy is amazing and peaceful, yet quite different than the energy of a few minutes earlier. Deep loving gratitude for the earth and sun consume my soul. I feel energetically and metaphorically joined to my divine mother and divine father, with me literally being their divine daughter. Yes, I am still aware of my separateness, but I am also deeply one with the Universe, profoundly connected at the same time.

Keith then does something completely unexpected – something that feels incredible. I hear him use what I believe to be his hands, making a small splashing noise, subsequently sending a small wave across from the far side of the pool.

I wonder if the noise I hear is intentional or accidental, but as the small wave collides with my abdomen, I suddenly realize that the wave does not collide at all. I literally feel the wave flow energetically through me – in one side, through my belly, and out the other side. The sensation is magical.

As Keith repeats this action several more times, I soon recognize that his actions are deliberate and deeply inspired. Each time that a wave reaches my tummy, I again feel the same powerful sensation of the wave actually rippling through my body, as if I am one with the wave.

While enjoying these fascinating waves of penetrating energy, I mentally connect with the five elements – earth, water, air, fire, and spirit. In my mind I embrace each of these nurturing and life-giving elements, thanking them for the incredible sensation of elemental balance that now resonates throughout my entire soul.

Again, for at least another thirty minutes, I remain in complete silence, one hand raised to the sky, one hand lowered to the earth, simply basking in the spiritual energy that consumes my soul.

Between Two Worlds

Realizing that the hour must be late, I reluctantly open my eyes and speak.

“I don’t want this experience to end.” I whisper to a loving and patient Keith who continues to sit quietly on the far side of the pool.

I begin to briefly summarize the journey through which I have passed during this indescribable period of long silence.

“We are in no rush whatsoever,” Keith gently reassures me. “Take as much time as is necessary for you to integrate and to play out your experience.”

“I feel as if I were just reborn.” I tell Keith with amazement. “Today feels like a new birthday.

Immediately, Keith breaks out in song … “Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Brenda, Happy birthday to you.”

I feel deeply honored. The only thing missing are the cake and candles.

I have now been in the hot water for at least three hours, possibly longer. I feel weak and slightly dizzy from the combined effects of heat, cacao, spiritual energies, and the presence of overwhelming unconditional love. I am presently unsure if I am even capable of standing up under my own power.

“You may have to carry me back to the car,” I playfully tell Keith – not quite sure if I am joking or if my statement may yet become fact.

Even though Keith has given loving permission for me to remain as long as necessary, my intuition dictates that the time for movement has arrived.

With my eyes still closed I gradually follow new intuitions. Slowly, I slip my weight up onto the first step. After a few minutes of grounding myself, I again slip up onto the next.

When I eventually reach the third step, I lift my left leg and hand up onto the ground above me, leaving my right hand and leg in the water below. Symbolically I see myself as the Star Card of the Rider-Waite Tarot deck – a powerful card where a beautiful woman is simultaneously connected to two worlds, having one foot on the earth and one foot in the water.

Over the next several minutes, I finish the process of gradually inching my way out of the pool, one stair-step at a time, continuing to keep one foot and hand in each world.

Balanced Chakras

Finally I sit on the top step. With my eyes still closed, I turn to face the pool with both feet back in the water. Again my intuitions guide me in unplanned ways.

Listening to inner guidance, I begin to ground my chakras in a way that I have never been taught. I start with one hand on my crown and the other at my root chakra, channeling and balancing energy until intuition guides me to move on. I repeat the process by balancing my third-eye chakra with my sacral chakra. Again, I do the same with my throat chakra and my solar plexus. Finally, I bring all of the energy into balance in my heart space.

As I complete the process, I feel deeply energized and alert. On the one hand, I am powerfully grounded – on the other I am still floating in the clouds.

As I hear Keith begin to move, I keep my eyes tightly closed. I can only assume that he must be sitting on the steps a little to my left.

Indescribable Love

As I continue to sit in silence, I begin to visualize a deep and indescribable feeling of unconditional love toward Keith. For at least fifteen minutes I sit doing nothing else other than to bask in the glow of this amazing unconditional love. Words of gratitude are impossible to find. Feelings of deep and profound love glow forth from my soul – not only for Keith the man, but also for the amazing experience into which Keith has so skillfully guided me.

As I begin to wonder if this deep feeling of love is only directed toward Keith, I then feel the love shift to my dear family and friends back home. One by one, I visualize the faces of my former wife, each of my children, each daughter-in-law, each son-in-law, and each of my twelve grandchildren, several of which I have never met. This overwhelming feeling of love and joy consumes my heart and soul as I spend a full minute or two focusing on each person.

Next, I immerse myself in the same indescribable love while focusing on my dear friends, both those back home, and those whom I have met during my travels. To my amazement, I feel the same amazing indescribable love for everyone – whether it be Keith, my family, or for my friends.

But I am not done yet.

“Brenda,” I hear Keith whispering quietly from behind me, “if you want to continue sitting where you are, I’m going to go ahead and change and get my things together. I will then go out to the car to wait for you.”

For the next ten minutes, as I continue to hear Keith’s muffled movements, I remain lost in the depths of my love meditation. I first focus on world leaders, present and past, loved and hated.

One by one, I feel this beautiful and indescribable loving emotion being directed toward the likes of Barack Obama, George Bush, Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, popes, church leaders, law-abiding-citizens, criminals-of-all-types, wars, and natural disasters.

Happy Birthday

“Brenda,” Keith whispers quietly. “I am changed and ready to go. I will be out in the car waiting for you. Please, take as long as you need. There is no reason to hurry.”

With pure love still flowing through my veins, I soon cease my concentrated love-fest with the world. Minutes later I am dried and dressed – energized and amazed – still dazzled and nearly speechless.

I look at my fingers and toes with anticipation. After three to four hours in a hot pool, I expect them to be shriveled like wrinkled raisins – but no, they are quite smooth and healthy, and my body feels strong and alive.

While walking slowly down the long hallway, my immediate surroundings seem to have taken on a new feeling of beauty. Near the front entrance, I notice a mirror hanging on the concrete wall.

“Why not?” I think to myself as I walk over for a closer look.

 Expecting to see a red-faced exhausted woman staring back at me, I instead discover a clear-complexioned loving face with glowing eyes.

As I assume my seat in Keith’s little Toyota truck, a new awareness has firmly implanted itself in my soul.

“I need do nothing … I need simply be present.”

“Everywhere that I turn, the world is literally playing out a stage play that seems to be scripted for my own personal growth.”

“All I need to do is to simply observe my feelings … to send love to everyone and to everything … to release all judgments … to surrender to spirit … and to allow my path to unfold with a joyful and playful energy.”

As Keith and I drive away in the dark of night, intense joy permeates my soul. There is no doubt that I just passed through the most profound experience of my life. I am indeed feeling reborn. Today is my birthday – the first day of the rest of my life – a life that will never again be the same.

Holy Relationships

Throughout the journey back to San Marcos, I continue to float in the clouds while processing and integrating the amazing events of an unbelievable afternoon.

Keith and I talk, and talk, and talk – whether it be while driving, eating rice and beans in a small roadside “comedor”, or sitting stuck in an hour-long traffic jam behind what turns out to have been a serious head-on collision just a short distance up the road.

When we are less than an hour from home, I bring up the topic of relationships, asking Keith if he is familiar with the term “Holy Relationship” from A Course In Miracles.

“Absolutely,” Keith replies, “I am very familiar with that part of the course.”

“Well, I want to thank you for the amazing Holy Relationship that I share with you.” I tell Keith with deep and genuine love. “I am so grateful that we can share such a spiritually powerful friendship – a relationship based on unconditional God-like love – a relationship without the confusing romantic entanglements of attachment and specialness.”

Then Keith casually adds, “But a Holy Relationship does not preclude the possibility of having a romantic relationship as well.”

“Absolutely,” I concur, “I agree with you one hundred percent on that one.”

Wrapping It Up

As we wind our way down the steep mountain slopes leading back into Lake Atitlan, I generously thank Keith one more time.

“Thank you from the bottom of my heart for inviting me to come along today.” I express with emotion and tears in my eyes. “I am so deeply grateful for all that you have done for me today.”

“I had a strong feeling telling me that you should come along,” Keith confesses. “Something inside told me that today would bring a great experience for you.”

“Well, thank you for being so tuned-in to your profound intuitions.” I respond.

Shortly after 10:00 p.m., Keith drops me off on the road, just 75 feet above my apartment. As we hug and I gather up all my overstuffed shopping bags, I am eager to discover if Sharon is still here in San Marcos. To my delight, my temporary roommate has indeed delayed her departure for another day or two. I have so much that I want to share with her.

As my head finally relaxes on my pillow, joyful contentment continues to delight my overflowing heart. Unconditional love lifts me into the clouds as I reflect on my deep gratitude for an incredible friendship with Keith.

Yes, I am quite content with the realization that my relationship with Keith is indeed nothing more than a Holy Relationship – an unconditionally loving friendship between two divine beings of opposite gender – nothing more.

“But why did he throw in that extra comment about Holy Relationships not excluding the possibility of a romantic one?” I begin to ponder with frustration.

I start to feel quite puzzled by the tiny bits of doubt and uncertainty that still linger in my heart.

(… to be continued …)

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

 
(This is the eighth installment of a series of posts describing my experiences in San Marcos, Guatemala from November 7^th up to the present time. Subsequent posts will follow very soon.)

As I begin tapping away on my little laptop, my heart flashes back to an early scene from one of my favorite childhood movies – The Sound of Music.

The nuns of the Abby are singing a song titled “Maria”, more commonly known as “How do you solve a problem like Maria?”

Suddenly, my heart wants to burst out in song, “How do you solve a problem like Sharonski?”

So many loving parallels parade through my heart-felt memories. Sharon (pronounced shaw-ROAN) is an incredible twenty-five year old young woman from Israel – creative, free, vibrant and full of life. But just like Julie Andrews’ character, Maria Von Trapp, in the classic 1965 movie, Sharon’s beautiful free spirit finds it nearly impossible to embrace the life-draining effects of stagnant rules and structure. To Sharon, any hint of structure causes deep-rooted internal defense mechanisms to flare up in resistance – sometimes in outright rebellion. Telling Sharon something such as, “You need to do it this way,” is like shoving her away into a prison cell or holding a pillow over her face so that she cannot breathe.

I initially crossed paths with Sharon during the first day of my Sun Course. We did not clash much during those beautiful growth-filled three months – but for some reason I subconsciously avoided reaching out to form deeper bonds. It was not until late September that our growth journeys began to intertwine – the same time that we both decided that participating together in Nadia’s two-month holistic healing course was in both of our futures.

I remember frequently attempting to offer deep genuine love to this beautiful free spirit, while at the same time subconsciously judging her with inexplicable and unexpressed resentment and cruelty – quite the confusing paradox for someone who is attempting to live a life overflowing with unconditional love. I did not understand why, but much of Sharon’s behavior powerfully triggered my own emotional buttons in huge and confusing ways.

“Why can’t she just put some structure into her life and follow the rules?” I often thought to myself. “Why must she rebel so? And why can’t she stop projecting that rebellion onto others? Why must she create so many problems for herself and for others around her?”

I again laugh to myself as I picture the nuns in “The Sound of Music” expressing the same types of frustrations regarding Maria.

The Universe must have been laughing that day when Sharon and I were in each others’ face – having a loving but emotional standoff regarding social proprieties – the same Tuesday afternoon when I so desperately craved the opportunity to resume my writing, but ended up throwing a pity party tantrum instead.

During that emotionally draining few days before Thanksgiving, Ego had begged me to project blame onto Sharon for the pain and struggle that I was feeling – but I intuitively knew that the real cause of my pain stemmed from somewhere inside of me. The thought of shining the light on my own internal issues was frightening, and I really did not know how to begin the scary process.

But it seems that the Universe already had the healing process planned out with amazing precision. I simply needed to show up with an open heart and a willingness to participate.

On a few occasions during early-to-mid November, I remember confiding to Sandra regarding what I then perceived as my worst possible nightmare – a fear that Sharon would approach me to ask if she could move in after Sandra returns to Australia at the end of the month.

Later, as Sharon and I shared a deep healing conversation together, she giggled as she confided something quite similar.

“Brenda,” Sharon told me, “I once told Sandra that if you and I were to ever move in with each other, that we would probably kill each other.”

Sharon, or “Sharonski” as many of her friends lovingly call her, now holds a very personal and precious tender space in my heart. It is a long and beautiful story of love and healing, beginning just the day before lightning bolts of healing electricity shot through my fingertips – changing my life in ways that are still unfolding.

My Worst Nightmare

It is Saturday afternoon, just two days after Thanksgiving Day. Due to unforeseen circumstances, Sharon has just learned that she needs to move out of the home where she is living – an entire week earlier than she had planned.

“Brendi”, Sharonski approaches me with her sweet innocent smile. “Would it be possible to move in with you for a few days next week?”

As these once-feared words grace my ears, I am amazed as a deep and profound feeling of intuitive peace melts away every ounce of resistance that I ever felt.

“Of course you can move in.” I hear myself saying with genuine love and sincerity. “I would be glad to have you.”

“Wow,” I think to myself. “I can’t believe I feel so peaceful about this.”

I have no idea regarding the healing path through which I am about to pass. On the one hand I am excited to face the challenge of learning to more fully love my dear little friend – learning to dissolve my judgments and to see her for who she really is. On the other hand, I feel a deep sense of disappointment and depression settling in.

“This means that I will be unable to begin writing for at least another week.” I sigh to myself, fully believing that I am incapable of writing while Sharon is sharing my living space.

Loving Transitions

“Sandra,” I express my deepest gratitude. “Have I told you lately how much I have loved living with you?”

It is early morning, Monday, November 29. In less than an hour, Sandra will climb into a small shuttle van as she embarks on the next chapter of her own life adventure.

Just yesterday, Sandra (and Harley) assisted me in yet another amazing and life-altering energy experience. I am still dazzled and emotionally frazzled as I attempt to find firm footing on solid ground. I remind Sandra of my prior intuition that there was something she needed to help me with before she flew home.

“I thought it was last week.” I joyfully tell Sandra, “But I now know that the help you gave me yesterday was what really needed to happen before you left. It was even more powerful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for everything. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the beautiful heart-growth that you have helped to facilitate in my life.”

As I hug Sandra “goodbye”, the drops of moisture that trickle down my cheeks are tears of deep joy and gratitude. We both know that this is not really goodbye. Deep intuitions whisper that our paths will definitely cross again – perhaps even in a few months time – but we both know that our deep connection will remain intact regardless of wherever our hearts may guide us in the days, months, and years to come.

This week is definitely not one of relaxation. For the next five days I am doubling up on everything – spending mornings at Nadia’s while finishing up final details of our holistic healing course. Then I hope to spend afternoons with Keith as I jump full steam into additional healing opportunities. And finally, I am facing fears regarding the unknown but loving chaos that is about to move into my home in just a day or two.

An Issue of Balance

 I am the only one who shows up today for Keith’s Monday afternoon class. I start off feeling eager for the opportunity of one-on-one attention, but an hour later I am experiencing deep frustration regarding my progress. I feel lost and bored – extremely confused, impatient and distracted. When I finally speak to Keith, asking for more help, he smiles and tells me that his guidance told him to stay out of the way while I explored a form of meditation that simply does not work for me.

I struggle with feelings of resentment as Ego urges me to be angry at Keith, telling me that he just wasted an hour of my precious time – an hour in which I could have been doing something productive such as writing.

We then get down to real business. The flow of energy soon guides us into the very subject of my writing – or perhaps I should say “not writing.” I feel an ever-growing confusion regarding the fact that I desperately want to write, but that my intuitions continue to lead me into situations that present huge roadblocks to my ability to do so.

We discuss my journey of writing distractions – a journey involving the Moon Course, the Sun Course, and Nadia’s Course. We talk about how roommates and social commitments seem to be a double-edged sword – bringing incredible growth opportunities – opportunities into which I feel deeply guided to participate. Yet when I participate in such beautiful growth I end up having no time or energy left with which to write.

It soon becomes quite clear that I am facing an issue of balance – of learning to integrate all areas of my life in a way that my passion of writing can still be expressed in a meaningful way.

I am already feeling quite satisfied with today’s casual session when my friend C.J. unexpectedly shows up on Keith’s magical porch to join us.

Psychic Gifts

Keith never ceases to amaze me. I have observed countless times as he assists others to access and to embrace hidden psychic abilities. One of Keith’s passionate projects is in working with people known as “empaths.” If I had not repeatedly observed the process for myself, I would still be quite skeptical, believing an “empath” to simply be a creation of science fiction – someone like Counselor Troy in Star Trek: The Next Generation. In such stories, an “empath” is capable of personally experiencing the actual emotions of others – then helping others to heal their emotions.

Over and over again, I have been amazed as I watch Keith while he assists people to recognize and to embrace such psychic abilities – abilities which they have seen in the past as a horrible and painful curse – a curse that caused them to literally eat and to painfully absorb the negative emotions of those around them.

Keith skillfully assists such people to learn how to control and to lovingly embrace their confusing abilities – helping them learn to heal and to integrate their internal gift in such a way that they can assist others in healing while no longer absorbing the negative emotions within themselves.

As bizarre as the concept sounds to a logical left-brained mind, I believe with all of my heart that our planet has recently given birth to a huge number of such psychically-gifted young people – old souls in young and confused bodies who, once they learn to lovingly use their gifts, will then emotionally assist others on our planet during the incredible spiritual shifts that continue to gain momentum on Planet Earth.

Many of these gifted healers are among the ranks of spiritual seekers that seem to be drawn to the shores of Lake Atitlan – and quite commonly, Keith’s chocolate ceremonies seem to be blessed with the presence of several such confused healers-to-be.

I do not know the nature of C.J.’s particular psychic gifts, but I will be forever grateful for her assistance on this beautiful Monday afternoon.

Frightened Little Girl

With C.J. now in our group, and after the emotional processing through which I have just passed, I fully expect Keith to immediately switch the focus over to her.

But as he frequently does, Keith pulls out his invisible bag of tricks and treats me to an unexpected gift of magic.

“C.J.” Keith begins, “Brenda has something buried in her solar plexus that is now ready to come up – to be exposed to the light – but she is not currently able to find it. I would like you to practice using your special gift to help Brenda uncover what she is unable to find by herself.”

I have no idea as to where this will all lead, but I am intrigued by the thought of allowing C.J. to help me embark on an unknown journey into buried density.

For about fifteen minutes we are all silent in meditation. At first, I feel nothing other than a feeling of agitated energy forming in my solar plexus. Keith continues to coach C.J., encouraging her to continue what she is doing. Gradually, I begin to experience a sense of intuition. I see nothing with my inner eyes – but I feel it all with a profound sense of internal knowing.

I feel some type of cage – some part of me is locked away in a small open-air cage – a cage with bars and a solid padlock.

“What do you want to do with the cage?” Keith asks me – continuing to follow rather than to lead.

I respond that I am thinking about trying to unlock it with a key, but I then mention that the thought of using dynamite to destroy the cage is currently crossing my mind.

“Perhaps you should look in to see what or who is inside first.” Keith suggests gently.

“There is a three-year-old child inside.” I respond with clarity after haven taken a quick look.

I can intuitively feel the child’s presence, and I begin to recognize it as being my own inner child at age three.

“Yes, there is a little three-year-old girl inside.” Keith confirms.

I am quite surprised to hear Keith utter the word “girl.” “Shouldn’t my inner child be a little boy?” I think to myself before asking Keith to clarify.

Keith asks me to look to confirm for myself, suggesting that the child could be either or perhaps even both. As I ponder, I simply know – a deep intuitive knowing – that the child is indeed a sweet and innocent little girl – my precious inner child is a girl!

C.J. later tells me that she too sensed the presence of a little girl locked away.

As I meditate on this little girl inside, I sense an eruption of anger and feelings of deep victimization. My solar plexus begins to rumble with feelings of agitation and vibration.

I intuitively know that this rebellious little prisoner is my beautiful, genuine, magical and innocent inner child – the child who was hidden away in a cage when the rest of me began to be programmed at the age of three – programmed in such a way as to reject the magical parts of myself, to conform to the rules of society, and to be “normal”.

“This little girl is my unspoiled God-Self,” I think to myself, “a magical little being who has not been allowed a voice for a very long time.”

I remember a recent experience in which I listened to two hours of pure-and-innocent Mormon children’s songs – an experience that had left me almost nauseas as I began to feel the effects of the perfect-image programming through which I had passed in my childhood. While the programming had been done by loving, well-meaning parents and teachers, it nevertheless had caused me to suppress the magic inside, replacing my little angel with a little boy who only wanted to win love and approval by doing what was asked and expected.

Subconscious Images

“Is this little girl literally locked away in my solar plexus?” I ask Keith inquisitively. “Is this real or metaphorical?”

Keith responds that this is the subconscious mind’s way of communicating a real energetic issue with me. No, of course there is not literally a little girl locked away, but the magical energy of such a little girl is indeed locked away in my subconscious mind – and she is very much a real energy with which I need to deal.

“The subconscious mind is simply using this metaphor to help engage your rational mind.” Keith continues. “This helps you to work with the energy in a tangible way.”

I continue to engage the little girl’s energy in a very real way, using the inner thoughts and knowing of my subconscious imagination to interact with her energy.

Failed Rescue

With loving persuasion, I attempt to use logic and reason to coax the frightened little girl to crawl out of her cage. The door is now wide open, but she refuses to budge, cowering back in the corner.

I visualize myself as the long awaited fairy princess, riding up on a beautiful white unicorn to rescue the poor, abandoned little girl. I am very puzzled by her refusal to trust me.

Instead, I continue to sense her anger, bitterness, sadness, fear, and victimization.

I try everything that I intuitively know how to do, sending loving energy, encouraging words, peaceful thoughts, and pure joy – but the little girl continues to respond with fear and rejection.

“Can you help me out Keith?” I begin to beg. “I have no idea what else I can do to win her trust, to get her to come out of the cage.”

Keith tells me that I seem to be making good progress, to just keep at it for a while longer. I focus on my Higher Self, asking for loving assistance. Almost immediately, I remember that I am not dealing with an adult here – this is a three-year old girl with the mentality of a toddler. I cannot reason with her as if she were a grownup.

I ask the little girl if she wants to play. She just stares angrily at me. I giggle with her and attempt to tickle her. I energetically sense that she begins to giggle too, but then she almost immediately catches herself and returns to her pouting.

“Don’t try to force anything.” Keith lovingly coaches me. “Let her know how loved she is, but give her permission to stay in the cage if that is what she wants to do. That would be the most empowering thing you can do for her.”

After continued attempts to send her deep unconditional love, I finally hand her a small portion of my heart and tell her how much I love her.

“I will be back later to check on you.” I tell her. “I am going upstairs now. You can follow me if you want, or you can stay right here.”

I attempt to visualize myself leaving and climbing up a flight of stairs, but all of my energy remains stuck with the little toddler.

Soon, a few tears begin to flow as I feel the little girl’s fear and pain. She cries with me, but still does not budge. A few minutes later, my tears dry up.  Fearful emotions have been shared and released, but the pain and mistrust still abound in her heart.

“I am beginning to think that I will need to go home today with this energy still unresolved.” I confess to Keith, feeling a sense of failure and confusion. “I don’t know what else to do, and I feel as if she needs more time to make up her mind about what she wants to do.”

Keith reassures me again that this is the most empowering thing that I can do – to let her know that she is safe and in control of her own destiny – that nobody is going to force her to do anything against her will.

“Usually we don’t let our inner child run our life,” Keith adds, “but this time I feel that it is OK to cater to her during this healing process.”

Early Morning Revelation

I go home, enjoy a quiet dinner, do a little meditating, and then drift off to sleep. To my dismay, I wake up at 1:15 a.m., feeling as if it is time to meditate further regarding my little girl. Forcing myself to sit up in bed, I struggle and resist my body’s tired demand for further sleep.

“Perhaps my little girl will talk to me now.” I ponder while beginning to meditate.

At 2:45 a.m., after ninety minutes of powerful meditation, I turn on my computer to take a few notes regarding what has been revealed to me.

In an unbelievable twist of fate, I have come to realize that my frightened three-year old inner child has a name – and that her name is Sharon. I begin to feel quite ashamed as I admit to myself that I have become the “responsible adult” that has tried to encourage Sharon to live in a cage of conformity – for her own good of course.

I now see my experiences with real-life Sharon as a powerful metaphorical journey – from our first meeting in late June right up to the present moment. In a very literal way, I have actually been in a real-life tug-of-war with my own inner child.

Sharon is so beautiful and unique – a free spirit who instinctively defends her freedom like a mother grizzly bear defending her cubs. I was subconsciously attempting to help Sharon learn that, for her own growth and learning, she needs to climb further into a structural cage so that she can live life happily ever after.

I have been the self-righteous judge and jury, silently boasting that Sharon needs to learn a little structure – to be more present in her class work. I was the Nazi soldier trying to put this beautiful little Israeli girl into a “concentration” camp – smugly telling myself that it is for her own good – that she needs to “concentrate” more – to be more present in the structure going on around her.

All the while, Sharon just wants genuine permission to be her pure and innocent creative self. She is struggling to find true spiritual freedom in a world of incomprehensible rules and metaphorical iron bars.

Fifty-two years later, when I finally discover my little inner child cowering in the back of a long-forgotten cage, I then have the audacity to see myself as her benevolent rescuer. How arrogant of me to presume that I am capable of showing this little girl the light-filled way out of her cage, when I am the one who has been mostly in the dark for all of these long years.

“Trust me.” I gently tell my little Sharon with an outstretched hand. “I will give you light and freedom. Please, take my hand. I will love and care for you. Please come out where you can at last be your free and genuine self.”

From Sharon’s perspective I might think to myself, “How can a sleeping old blind woman presume to show me how to wake up and to embrace the light? She must really be crazy if she presumes to be my teacher.”

As these realizations come into my heart, deep sorrow briefly grips my soul – sorrow that I have been so blind to the truth – sorrow that I have been so callous and self-righteous in that blindness.

Tears stream down my cheeks as I realize that I have unknowingly been the enforcer of such deep repression on a beautiful and innocent being.

No, I am not evil, and I am not guilty of any sin – I have merely been acting out of habitual, well-meaning, genuinely-motivated ignorance. But nevertheless, I am indeed the unwitting oppressor, the jailor of my own inner child. I now clearly realize that premature attempts to rescue her might only damage her more.

I only hope that this beautiful little child will forgive me, embrace me, and allow me to be her student as I unlock her prison door and sit at the entrance, longing for her to come out of her cage to hold me and to teach me what I really need to know about life and magic.

A New Attitude

As I later crawl out of bed for the second time in five hours I am eager to perform my first certification massage on Nadia – but what I am most eager about is in having the opportunity to share my amazing healing insights with real-life Sharon.

I cannot wait until I have the opportunity to get to know Sharon better – to learn what makes her tick – to learn everything I can learn about this pure and genuine soul who is so creative and so resistant to structure.

In an amazing twist of synchronicities, I believe with all of my heart that learning to love the real-life Sharon will help me to earn the trust that I desperately desire with my little inner child. In so many incredible ways, I recognize that the two of them – real life Sharon and my little inner-child Sharon – are metaphorically one and the same person.

Sharon does not actually move in until Wednesday evening, December 1 – but we have many opportunities to talk. I can already feel the healing and trust beginning to take root.

Fairy Tale Fantasies

With renewed energy, I spend Wednesday morning cleaning out the spare room in my apartment so that Sharon will have a place to spread out her things. At 12:30 p.m., I begin another magical afternoon on Keith’s porch. I am eager to discover the status of my little inner Sharon.

A large group shows up for the Wednesday chocolate ceremony. Seeing how I sort-of know what I am doing, I quickly lose myself in meditation. I see no reason to wait for Keith while he is working with the rest of the group.

I work mostly by myself during the afternoon. Whenever Keith finds a moment to check in with me, I fill him in on the internal adventures through which I am currently passing.

Little Sharon is still in her cage. As I lovingly sit with her, I follow a creative intuition telling me to invite my Grandchildren to come over and play with her. Little Sharon seems to like this idea, but she remains very tentative.

After a while, I ask Sharon if she would like to come up to play in my heart space. I soon feel her entire energy, little cage and all, move completely into my heart. Sharon remains safely in her cage, but she keeps the door slightly propped open.

“Tell her a fun story.” The intuition suddenly floods my mind. “Tell her a little fairy tale.”

For the next thirty minutes I use my imagination to tell her a long story that goes something like this.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived in the home of a wicked witch. The little girl was kept in a small cage with iron bars. She was terrified of the ugly witch – feeling quite angry and sad, not understanding why she was being held prisoner. The little girl was quite afraid, and almost always kept her eyes closed so that she would not see the witch’s ugly face.

Little by little, the tiny girl began to get more courage. She wanted to escape, and began to peek through the iron bars when the ugly witch was not looking. Soon, the little girl realized that the witch was not so ugly and scary after all. The witch even began to look quite pretty.

One day, the little girl realized that her cage was not locked and that she was free to leave whenever she wanted. But the little girl was still afraid. She didn’t trust the witch and decided to stay right where she was at. It made her feel safer to remain hiding in her cage.

Eventually, the little girl discovered that she herself had special magical powers. Around the same time, she began to realize that the witch was actually quite loving and kind – and that the witch was not her jailor at all. It was only her own fear that was keeping the little girl trapped inside the cage.

The little girl soon discovered that she had a magic wand and could manifest anything that she wanted. She made the room bigger and more comfortable. She even began to decorate and to hang fun things on the walls. She loved her new room. It felt safe and happy. The room began to feel as if it were her very own magical castle.

One afternoon, a large thunderstorm came up out of nowhere. Instead of being afraid, the little girl watched as the heavy rains washed away the mud from her castle walls. To her surprise, the walls were made out of shining crystals. The sun soon came out and the little girl saw that a great big flashflood had washed away all the past emotional debris that had muddied the prison walls of her life.

Life was suddenly beautiful, magical, and peaceful. Fluffy clouds, blue skies, green tree-covered mountains and a beautiful lake dotted her surroundings. Each of the ugly emotions that had washed away in the storm suddenly transformed into beautiful little fishies, swimming around in the big lake.

The little girl realized that she could do and create anything that she wants – and that she herself was now the only one holding her prisoner. She can leave whenever she decides.

As the story ends, I feel guided to tell little Sharon one more tiny story. I explain to her that her little cage is actually a protective cocoon – that it is a secure hiding place that has kept her safe and warm during many years of transformational turbulence. I tell her that she is about to transform and to grow – about to emerge as a beautiful and magical butterfly exactly when the time is right.

Nap Time

I feel delighted as I sense little Sharon’s energy. She has had fun playing with my grandchildren, and she really enjoyed the fun story – but I feel her growing very tired and quite bored.

Soon, I give her permission to go take a nap. As she does so, I intuitively feel her energy leave my heart space as it moves back into my solar plexus. The cage again moves down with her. Even though she had temporarily embraced her magic, little Sharon put it back down – feeling too tired to play any more – at least for now.

I feel a deep peace, but am also quite puzzled as to why the cage is still in place – why it has not dissolved. However, I am not attached. I recognize the powerful progress that has taken place – the loving trust that was built through a simply story and play time.

The little girl still rumbles energetically in my abdomen, but I feel a deep sense of peace, knowing that she will be fine remaining where she is for yet another day. She has developed trust that I will not push her any further than she is willing to go. It is still up to her to decide when, or if, she is ready to trust me.

Wednesday evening, as I walk home from a beautiful chocolate ceremony, I feel a deep sense of excitement. Tonight, the real Sharon is literally moving in with me.

I find it utterly amazing that the external synchronous world is presenting this opportunity to me at the exact same time in which I am processing Sharon as being my inner three-year-old child.

Traditional Feast

To my surprise, today also happens to be the first day of Hanukah, and Sharon is excited to cook traditional Jewish food for me and for my two neighbors, Tina and Holly. A few hours later, the four of us fill our tummies with Levivot – Hebrew fried potato pancakes – made with shredded potatoes, eggs, onions, flour, salt, and pepper – deep fried in oil.

The food is not ready until after 9:30 p.m., the kitchen is a greasy mess, and we have piles of leftovers – but I literally love the experience. I tenderly embrace the agitated feeling of chaos in my tummy while reassuring the rumbling energy that we are going to have a wonderful week together – and that there is nothing to fear.

An Unexpected Twist

Thursday is another whirlwind day – only four hours of broken sleep – spending my morning studying and later performing a Shiatsu massage on Nadia – then rushing back to my favorite porch in San Marcos for another afternoon session of mystical magic.

I feel as if I am backsliding – exhausted from all of the growth and emotional processing through which I have been passing on an almost continuous basis. Keith reassures me that I am simply integrating and taking a much needed rest – reminding me that I just need to trust myself and to trust the process.

The next thing Keith tells me causes the afternoon take on a very unexpected twist.

“Brenda, you don’t know it yet,” Keith giggles as he fills me in, “but a newspaper reporter from Argentina will be interviewing you today at 3:00 p.m..”

Flor, the reporter, is working on a large article that will appear in a Sunday magazine in Argentina’s largest newspaper, and her topic encompasses all of the spiritual stuff going on in San Marcos. Earlier in the day, Flor had already interviewed Keith.

“She wants to interview a spiritual seeker who has participated in my ceremonies,” Keith adds, “and I thought you would be ideal – especially since you have participated in so many other spiritual things here in San Marcos.”

The afternoon turns out to be quite the fun experience. The little digital recorder in my hand does not intimidate me in the least as I answer questions and share stories with Flor regarding my spiritual journey. I even talk about my ongoing adventures with a three-year-old little girl who currently lives in my solar plexus.

I do have to admit, however, that I begin to feel slightly silly as Flor whips out her digital camera and spends fifteen minutes snapping numerous photos of me with various backdrops of flowers, etc… But I am proud of myself for not feeling the slightest bit of vanity. I could care less that my hair is flying around, that I am wearing old jeans and a simple top, and that I have not got a stitch of makeup on my face. I love the simple life.

Birthday Wishes

Today just also happens to be the real-life birthday of Sharon. She is now officially twenty-five years old. Sharon, Tina, Holly, Keith, and I enjoy a beautiful evening of food and conversation at the Japanese restaurant – but I am desperately eager to get some rest.

Ever since Sharon moved in, we have both been so busy that I am craving the opportunity to simply sit down and talk, but that will have to wait a little longer as my exhausted head hits the pillow at 9:15 p.m. on Thursday evening.

Sleepless In San Marcos

After two hours of delightful sleep, I again surrender to unwanted promptings. At precisely 11:30 p.m. I wake up with the intuitive feeling that an anxious and eager little three-year-old girl wants to talk – and she wants to talk right now! It seems that little inner-child Sharon is taking great delight in destroying my lifelong structures related to the concept of “normal” sleeping patterns.

In fact, little Sharon keeps me awake for most of the next four hours. I do not drift back to sleep until nearly 4:00 a.m. on Friday morning.

As I meditate with little Sharon’s energy, I get an uninvited earful – and then some. She is very afraid that I will try to make her conform and fit into a world of twisted belief systems if she comes out of her cage before I fully heal all of my own emotional issues.

She tells me that even though she knows that my intentions are honorable, that I have an “uppity attitude” – still believing myself to be the more mature one in the family. She is still very frightened that I have intentions to try to educate her – that I will cause some serious damage to her soul and try to put her into yet another box.

I am quite humbled as I further realize that I have a lot of shifting and healing to figure out before little Sharon will come out to play.

I finally go back to sleep, but am quite dysfunctional through much of the day – barely being present, not having enough energy to do much of anything. After an afternoon session with Keith, I return home to an animated real-life Sharon that wants to go out for more partying. It is Holly’s birthday and we must go celebrate.

Feeling nearly exhausted, I force myself to say no – “No, I am too tired to party tonight.” – “No, I cannot handle this pace of chaotic lack-of-sleep growth journey.”

As Sharon and Tina run out to find Holly, I lock the front door and begin to clean up some of the dirty dishes before going to bed. I seem to be coming down with a cough and a mild cold and I desperately crave some rest. As I fill my water bottle, I begin to cry as I smell the strong stench of cigarette smoke wafting around me. I have become quite adept at being around cigarette smoke without letting it bother me in the slightest. But tonight I have been pushed to my limits when I discover that Sharon has emptied a stinky ashtray into our kitchen wastebasket. The pungent odor of cigarette ashes is drifting through the air all around me.

“I can’t do this!” I exclaim to myself through emotional tears. “Sharon has to either quite smoking or leave.”

Minutes later I am crying myself to sleep.

New Perspectives

Saturday turns into a beautiful day. A restful night of sleep and meditation work their wonders on my soul. I awaken with a new-found courage to speak my truth – courage to share my truth from a place of pure and genuine love. Such a heart perspective makes a world of difference.

At first light, I lovingly and courageously share my feelings with Sharon – opening my heart in a vulnerable way while discussing my frustrations, my fears, and my struggles. During the resulting conversation, Sharon and I begin to feel a powerful and genuine bond. It amazes me how vulnerable honesty can create such a heart connection.

But then a few interruptions briefly sidetrack our time together. I need to make a quick trip to Panajachel for money and shopping – but Sharon first convinces me to join her for breakfast with Tina and Holly. I have not been this social in a very long time.

The afternoon is magical as I begin to be introduced to the real Sharonski. She shares one heart-felt story after another – telling me about her communal life growing up in a small Kibbutz in Israel. My heart warms with ever-deepening love as I learn of Sharon’s fears, her struggles, her joys, and her passions.

Keith had previously suggested that my inner child issues will become much clearer by the time that Sharon moves out. I begin to recognize the wisdom in Keith’s words as Sharon starts to share her earliest of memories – powerful and vivid memories that happened to her at the age of … you guessed it … three years old.

I will not publicly share Sharon’s personal experiences – they are not mine to share. But I can say that I am eternally grateful for the beautiful bond that begins to form between the two of us as Sharon opens her amazing and genuine heart to me on this beautiful Saturday afternoon.

I am still extremely exhausted – still wondering when my marathon of “not writing” will end – but as my head hits the pillow at 7:45 p.m. on Saturday night, one thing is absolutely certain. I am in the middle of something powerful and meaningful and I will play out this amazing growth experience until it reaches a beautiful conclusion. As much as it breaks my heart to say this, my writing will just have to wait.

Clinging to a Cliff

Sunday afternoon, I return for another session with Keith. I am mostly a silent observer during the majority of the chocolate ceremony – but as other people’s issues begin to wind down, I speak up, begging Keith for some personal help.

“I feel as if I am clinging to the edge of a high cliff.” I blurt out as tears begin to flow down my cheeks. “Even though I love the growth that Sharon and I are experiencing, I am physically exhausted and feel as if I am literally about to fall off the cliff, completely losing control of my life.”

After a short round of discussion and emotional processing, I reach a space of deep gratitude – gratitude for the powerful state of love and mutual trust that I am now feeling. This love and trust is simultaneously developing between both of the two Sharon’s in my life.

Physical exhaustion continues to consume my body, but deep peace warms my heart as I again spend another delightful restaurant-night-out with Sharon, Tina, and Holly.

Please Stay …

I can’t believe what I am saying.

“Sharon,” I lovingly volunteer. “Why don’t you stay for another day and go to a session with me at Keith’s. It might be great for both of us.”

Sharon had originally planned to stay only until Sunday morning. What I say next shocks me even more.

“And if you feel like you need to stay here for an extra week or two to do some more healing, that would be OK with me too.”

On the one hand, I leap for joy in the realization that I love Sharon so much that I am actually making such an offer with genuine feeling and intention.

On the other hand, a deep-seated sense of depression washes through my soul as I ponder the thought … “But what about my writing. If Sharon is here, will I have the strength and willpower to find time to write?”

In this moment I make a gut-wrenching mental compromise. “I guess I will just have to write a few sketchy journal-like blog entries in order to catch up on these amazing five weeks of growth. I am so far behind and feeling so overwhelmed. There is no way that I will ever find the time to fully share my healing stories the way that my heart wants to share them.”

The thought makes me want to burst out in tears – yet my heart also knows that offering up my home for two more weeks is the right thing to do.

Time to Redecorate

The Universe could not have set up the situation more perfectly. The only people who show up at Monday afternoon’s chocolate gathering are me, Sharon, and C.J. – the same friend who helped me to uncover my caged inner child exactly one week ago.

During a heart-warming session, real-life Sharon and I exchange beautiful words with each other – further deepening our friendship. But it is little three-year-old Sharon who steals the stage. My heart beams with joy as little Sharon soon decides to actually step out of her cage while visiting me in my heart space. I am completely unprepared for what happens next.

As little Sharon crawls out of her cage, she immediately begins to bounce all over the place, creating a feeling of utter chaos in my heart space. An image firmly implants itself in my subconscious mind. I visualize my heart space as a richly-decorated formal living room that is suddenly invaded by a wild little girl who wants to do nothing but engage in unruly rough-and-tumble play.

For over an hour, I observe with extreme discomfort as the over-active energy bounces wildly throughout my inner chest cavity. The nervous anxiety intensifies as I visualize little Sharon swinging on my fancy curtains, tipping over nick-knacks, jumping on the sofa, spilling soda, and wiping her sticky fingers all over my prized possessions.

The scene is almost comical. This internal energy is powerful, real, and deeply unsettling. Sheer uncontrollable chaos had been suddenly released in my heart – chaos that is about to turn my entire life upside down in ways that terrify my formerly organized and structured mind.

After what seems like forever, the intense anxiety eventually begins to relax. My heart gradually warms to the unfolding events while a new realization takes root in my mind. A deep sense of inner knowing tells me that it is time to redecorate my heart space.

At first, I imagine myself simply rearranging a few things – perhaps doing some intensive childproofing. Then the real solution floods into my awareness.

“I need to turn my heart space into a play room.” I ponder with a little giggle. “That sounds like a lot more fun.”

Playful Giggles

By the time that Monday evening (December 6) draws to a close, my heart overflows with profound love and gratitude for both of my two dear friends – real-life Sharon and my little imaginary inner-child Sharon.

I playfully login to Facebook and post a fun message to Sandra, my little penguin down under. “Have I told you lately how much I love … living with Sharon?”

Giggles fill my heart as I ponder how genuine and real those endearing words have now become.

Later that evening, as bedtime is fast approaching, Sharon and I invite our neighbor Tina to perform a huge favor. We need a camerawoman to record some beautiful loving moments. Our first set of fun-filled photos involves a playful acting-out of Sharon’s prediction that if we ever lived together, that we would end up killing each other. Giggles abound as Tina snaps photo after photo of Sharon and I choking, hitting, pulling hair, stuffing heads in toilets, and the like.

Next, my dear little Sharon crawls under her bed covers, puts on a little ski cap and pretends to be a sweet three-year-old little girl. My heart literally melts to mush as I see my precious little friend. I need to do a double-take to make sure that Sharon is not really the same three-year-old who holds such a loving place in my heart.

Moving On

Things could not have arrived at a more amazing and loving conclusion. Three days after my inner child convinces me to redecorate, I find myself tearfully hugging and embracing Sharon as she steps out of my life into the next phase of her own journey – a 9:00 a.m. shuttle to Antigua followed the next day by an eighteen-hour bus ride to Nicaragua.

As I reminisce about dear Sharon, my heart overflows with intense gratitude and love. I am so profoundly grateful to have shared an amazing healing journey with my dear friend – a journey that could only have been inspired and orchestrated from a higher dimension.

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Sharonski?

My heart is again pulled into powerful memory-filled emotions from the epic movie, The Sound of Music – memories of a beautiful and playful Maria Von Trapp who won the hearts of millions by ignoring the rules – by remaining true to her own inner magic – and by singing her way through life with innocent and childlike creativity.

No, there is not a problem here needing to be solved. Instead, there is an amazing gift – a powerful and loving gift to be embraced, to be learned from, and to be integrated into the heart-strings of my life.

My heart goes out to both of the amazing Sharon’s in my life. May you never lose your child-like innocence, your wonderful creativity, and your genuine love and purity!

I love you both with all of my heart.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

 
(This is the seventh installment of a series of posts describing my experiences in San Marcos, Guatemala from November 7^th up to the present time. Subsequent posts will follow very soon.)

Sunday morning, November 28, is shaping up to be another amazing day.

The Friday and Saturday after Thanksgiving have passed quickly – all too quickly. Our class schedules were accelerated in order to accommodate the fact that Sandra will fly home to Australia tomorrow. In a weekend whirlwind of spiritual growth and meditation, we have now finished our Reiki Master training and polished off a few other loose ends with Sacred Geometry. Joyful nostalgia consumes my soul as I ponder the fact that the actual teaching portion of Nadia’s class is now behind me.

Rather than indulging herself in a delicious beef barbeque in San Pedro – an invitation that was actually quite tempting for all of us – Sandra has opted to spend her final afternoon in San Marcos drinking raw cacao on a magical porch.

There is no doubt as to where my intuitions are guiding me. I too will be sipping the magical heart potion with Sandra, my favorite Pingoo penguin from down under.

How could I have possibly known that today’s chocolate ceremony would turn out to be one of the most incredible energy experiences of my life?

Back to Beginnings

The ceremony unfolds in a very typical manner – ten of us sitting around in a casual circle, engaging in delightful conversation while slowly sipping raw cacao. Thirty minutes later, as we smile and giggle through a loving “glow” meditation, Keith asks us to identify any emotional density that we may or may not feel forming in our body.

“What do you feel?” Keith asks me. “And where do you feel it?”

I am quite pleased to respond that I only feel a tiny bit of energy poking around in my sacral chakra – very low in my abdomen. A feeling of hope tells me that I have already cleaned house with the rest of my formerly-unresolved emotional densities – that perhaps today I can simply enjoy the loving glow while supporting the healing of others.

My spiritual guides must be rolling on the floor laughing as my mind contemplates such naïve fantasies.

I attempt to do something that has worked several times before. I send continuous bursts of unconditional love to that twitching energy in my abdomen, inviting it to come up and join me for a pleasant chat in my heart, knowing full well that my heart can easily transmute the prickly little densities into glorious love.

But everything I try seems ineffective, as if the little blobs of energy are simply laughing at me, snubbing their snotty noses at me, sneering at my feeble attempts to lure them into oblivion. The stubborn little pains remain exactly where they are, even slightly increasing in intensity.

As of yet, I have no intuitive clues providing hints about the nature of this soon-to-be-examined energy.

“Don’t try to figure it out.” Keith tells me confidently as he checks in on my progress. “Just allow it to surface through non-rational-mind channels.”

As I surrender to the unfolding experience, I begin to get an intuitive feeling – a familiar sense of knowing that the emotional energy I am sensing stems from childhood stuff – stealth emotions buried deeply beneath my adult-awareness radar. But still, I have absolutely no idea as to the nature of these emotions. Curiosity begins to get the best of me.

Long-forgotten memories soon begin to surface. At around age seven or eight, I had shared a bedroom with my sixteen-year-old brother. I remember how he teased me incessantly, and how he sometimes bopped me on the head with his high school class ring – especially when he caught me playing with his comic book collection.

Then a forgotten-but-vivid mental image floats up to my awareness.

I experience myself hiding in the corner of the closet in my childhood bedroom. I vaguely remember having been mad at my brother. To get even with him, I had hidden his pajamas where he would never find them. I am unprepared for the emotion that my brother displays as he angrily searches the room for his missing PJs. When he goes to complain to my parents, I slip into the closet to hide my guilty face. Cowering behind a pile of dirty clothes and stuffed animals, I wait until the coast is clear. I know that if my brother discovers that I am the one responsible for his missing pajamas, that I will most certainly receive another painful lump on the top of my head. The thought terrifies me.

For several minutes, many such buried childhood memories successively parade through my consciousness. From an adult perspective, each memory seems quite silly – but to my little inner-child self, such experiences had apparently been quite emotionally traumatizing.

Then I begin to focus on other feelings of insecurity and confusion. I remember that at this tender young age I had also been extremely curious about gender and sexuality issues. There was absolutely no-one with whom I could share my curious questions. Something did not quite feel right, but I was a good little boy – I would be righteous, striving to please both God and my parents.

As these memories continue filtering through my mind, I begin to slightly whimper and sniffle.

Harley to the Rescue

Harley is an amazing old-soul-in-a-young-man’s-body from Australia. He participated in the Sun Course immediately prior to mine. He and Sandra have an amazing bond of friendship, but for reasons that I have never questioned, Harley and I have never really crossed energies.

This lack of connection is about to change – in a big way.

As Keith again checks in on my energy, his intuition guides him to do an amazing thing.

“Brenda,” Keith interrupts. “You and Harley are doing the same basic processing. I want you to go over and sit in front of him.”

Trusting Keith implicitly, I pull a cushion over on the ground in front of Harley’s chair. Kneeling down on the ground, I rest the backs of my hands atop Harley’s knees as I lightly grasp his warm palms in my own.

As my energy connects with Harley, the inner intensity of my emotions gradually begins to increase. I joyfully surrender to the process. Maintaining an ego-image of strength and poise seems to be such a waste of time and energy. I would rather cry like a baby, allowing old emotional densities to bubble to the surface. An inner yearning for emotional freedom spurs me forward, reminding me of how wonderful I will feel when these long-buried emotions find their way into the light.

After about ten minutes during which my quiet whimpering gradually increases, Harley releases my hands, slowly rises to his feet, rests one hand on my shoulder, and intuitively walks behind me where he finds a cushion and sits at my back.

I melt backward into Harley’s arms as he begins to do a little energy work while lightly rubbing my shoulders. As my tears intensify, Harley soon wraps his long arms around me, telling me how much incredible love he can feel radiating from my pure and genuine heart.

As all of this is going on, I have emotionally regressed into the body of a five-year-old little boy, passionately enjoying the loving caress of his father.

Birthday Surprises

The memory still resonates as if it took place yesterday.

It was March 10, 1960. My father eagerly approached me, inviting me to take a stroll with him down the street in the warm afternoon sun. As the two of us giggled and talked, we headed to a candy store just two blocks away. I remember feeling deep excitement as my father lovingly instructed me to choose whatever special treats that I desired. My eyes must have been wide with gleeful anticipation as I browsed the rows of inviting candy, selecting a small bag of my favorites: chocolate Neccos, red and black licorice, Hershey bars, pixy sticks, and bubble gum.

My thoughts energized me as we strolled back to our home. I pondered how I would enjoy each tasty treat, one yummy nibble after the other. As my father and I entered the living room of our small home, I nearly jumped out of my shoes.

Suddenly, the dark and quiet room came to life. As the lights flashed on, a large group of friends and family jumped out of corners yelling “SURPRISE” and “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”.

Prior to that moment I was completely oblivious to the fact that it was even my birthday. My parents must have found great delight in hiding that secret from my awareness.

While this special “Fifth Birthday Party” is not my earliest memory, it is definitely the most emotionally complete one. For as long as I can remember, this memory has warmed my heart, filling my soul with peace, love, and happiness.

Yes, this was indeed a powerful and love-filled memory.

Or was it?

A Father’s Love

As this joyful childhood memory parades through my consciousness, I literally become that innocent five year old boy – and Harley becomes my father. Harley continues to hold me from behind, wrapping his arms tightly around me, repeating over and over how loved that I am – telling me how much incredible deep love that he feels radiating from my heart. I melt and relax even more into Harley’s strong, supporting, masculine arms.

Unexpected feelings begin to surface.

“Why is my father being so loving and kind with me?” The thought flashes as if out of nowhere. “We have never had this type of relationship before. Why is my father taking me to the candy store now?”

“I don’t deserve my father’s love.” The thoughts continue. “Somehow, I know that I just don’t deserve it. Why is he showing me this love?”

I always knew that my father loved me, but we never enjoyed a relationship in which that love could be openly and freely expressed. A continuous stream of fond memories reminds me of how my father was indeed a loving teacher and guide – but I seem to have no memories whatsoever in which my father simply holds and caresses me, telling me through loving words just how much that he loves me.

My tender young heart desperately cries out to feel a deep loving bond with my father.

Dear sweet Sandra, my little Pingoo penguin, soon feels guided to come over to join my present-day healing adventure. Sandra takes hold of my hands and begins to rock playfully back and forth. As she does so, Sandra experiences an intuitive prompting to say something – but she feels silly and does not find the courage to speak up. I have not yet verbally shared regarding the internal journey through which I am passing. No one but me knows that I am visualizing Harley as my father, and that I am basking in the warmth of my dear father’s incredible love.

Sandra keeps her unexpressed comment to herself – believing that it would be completely out of place. It is not until a few hours later that she confesses, “Brenda, I just kept feeling like I wanted to tell you that your father loves you.”

Approaching Zero Point

With Harley at my back and Sandra holding my hands, my memories begin to intensify, soon regressing to even younger years.

I remember being a toddler, riding in the car with my mother. Shame and embarrassment fill my tiny little body when I experience the horror of realizing that I just pooped in my pants. I am defective, something is wrong with me. I feel terrified that I will be scolded, that I will no longer feel loved. The strong stench emanating from my pants only increases the guilt and gut-wrenching shame that grips my soul.

I flashback to the terror and pain of seeing and feeling my fingers pinched and smashed in the car door of our old pink Plymouth.

I feel the horror and shame of waking up in a small twin bed that is still warm and wet with my smelly urine. I am so ashamed and embarrassed.

Throughout this process, I am fully aware that I am both laughing and crying at the same time. I am grateful for the surfacing of these painful memories. I know they are real, but I am not attached to them. I know these memories no longer control me, that they are being given away to the Universe.

With each painful memory that surfaces, I feel the energy being transmuted with unconditional love. With the loving help of Keith, Sandra, Harley, the angels, my Higher Self, my guides, and with the help of the entire Universe, my childhood memories of shame, hurt, and fear are one by one being shifted into love, joy, and peace.

It feels as if a cosmic energy is literally playing out the emotional memories of my childhood in reverse. I intuitively recognize that for every memory being healed in my conscious mind, hundreds if not thousands of unconscious memories are simultaneously going through the same healing process. Somehow I simply know this.

The age of my memories continues to decrease toward infancy. I no longer remember exact situations or experiences, but I intuitively feel the emotional energy continuing to come up and out.

Finally, to my amazement, I intuitively recognize that I have reached zero point – the period of my physical birth in this lifetime. Intuitively, there is no doubt in my mind that I am about to slip into other realms, into prior experiences from past lifetimes.

Journey to the Past

The first place to which my thoughts take me is to the memory of a young girl in Manhattan during the early 1800s. This is the same young girl that I grew to know and love during an impromptu past-life regression experience while meditating during the final week of my Moon Course silence in May.

In that powerful regression, I had clearly seen a beautiful stream of cool fresh water trickling down the stone steps of a small pyramid. Suddenly a bucket of mud came from behind me, covering that pure innocent stream with a thick layer of dark brown mud. In a metaphorical way, I had been intuitively shown that this is what happened to me during that past lifetime of emotional shame, pain, and struggle.

As the pain of this past lifetime flashes into my awareness, I suddenly feel an intense and loving energy flowing through my body – an actual physical energy that surpasses all description.

The vibrating energy literally feels as if a high-voltage power line is channeling electrical current through my body. I feel the intense energy running continuously down my arms, and out my fingertips. Out of concern that this powerful energy might harm or contaminate someone else, I intuitively release Sandra’s hands and place my finger tips onto the ground in front of me, sending the powerful energy down into Mother Earth where it can be transmuted with love.

Instead of feeling frightened, however, I enjoy a strong intuitive knowing that this indescribable energy is clearing out layers of emotional debris and densities from past lives – not only from the life of this emotionally abused little girl in the 1800s, but literally from many, if not all of my past lives – past lives that may extend to countless other dimensions.

Energy Explosions

Tears and giggles begin to recede as this unbelievable physical energy consumes my entire focus and attention. I am fascinated by what is occurring in my body. I know that my skeptical nature would have a hard time believing this energy to be real if it were not personally happening to me.

This energy is not just a figurative metaphorical thing – it is undeniably real, powerful, shaking, vibrating, and streaming with real electrical force. My whole body is shaking, but I feel the majority of the current running from the area of my temples, down my neck, through my shoulders, down my arms, and out my slightly curved finger tips.

I am not sure when they do so, but Sandra and Harley soon return to their seats. I feel everyone’s eyes upon me, but I am so immersed in the present moment, so focused on enjoying the energy, that I am completely oblivious to most everything around me, including the passage of time.

“Brenda,” Keith eventually interrupts with a sound of loving concern. “Why don’t you hold this rock to help ground the energy?”

I notice that Keith places a heart-shaped river rock on the ground in front of me.

“This will make the energy easier to deal with.” Keith continues lovingly.

“No,” I respond. “I love this experience. It is amazing, incredible, powerful, and healing. I want the energy to keep flowing. I want to feel every bit of it. I don’t want it to stop.”

For an unknown period of time, I hold my fingertips on the ground while this high-voltage current continues to wash past-life emotional densities through my soul.

Finally, I glance over at the heart-shaped rock by my side. With one hand, I pick it up and position it in front of me. Then I place all of my finger tips on the ordinary-looking rock’s dark rough surface.

Almost immediately, the vibrating in my body ceases. I continue to feel the powerful energy as it rushes through me, but the power is smooth and steady. I no longer shake as if I am being shocked. I feel as if the rock is literally facilitating the movement of energy, providing a very comfortable and safe place for the energy to ground itself, making the whole experience even more enjoyable.

Eventually, as my consciousness returns to my surroundings, I begin to recognize that my legs are hurting. I have no concept of how long I have been kneeling atop this thin foam pad, but as I attempt to move I realize that my legs are weak and somewhat numb.

As I struggle to inch my way up into a nearby folding camp chair, Keith supports my arms and assists me to my feet – just long enough for me to collapse into a comfortable sitting position.

As the session proceeds around me, I tightly grasp the heart-shaped river-rock in my lap. The powerful electric current continues to flow uninterrupted through my fingertips. I love the energy and wish it could go on forever. I want to squeeze out every potential drop of this energy’s healing power.

Lightning Bolts

Little by little, the energy flow begins to lessen in intensity. When I can no longer feel the power surges leaving my finger tips, I gently place the river rock back on the ground by my chair. The chocolate ceremony continues for another hour or so. I watch with fascination as others do their own deep processing, but I have only one thing on my mind.

Needing to process and integrate my experience, I wait for an opportunity to engage Keith in a short private conversation.

“What did I do today?” I ask Keith with a feeling of animated exhaustion. “Could you feel what was going on with my energy? Can you give me any insights regarding what happened to me?”

Keith gives me two thumbs up and offers a huge reassuring smile. He lovingly acknowledges that the powerful energy was real, that I did indeed move some deep energetic densities today, and that the next stop of my journey is not going to be the state mental hospital.

Later, Sandra gives me her own feedback.

“Brenda,” she tells me, “I felt as if I could see energetic lightning bolts shooting out of your fingertips.”

Integrating the Magic

Nineteen days have come and gone since that powerful day left its electrifying energy imprint in my soul.

I am still in the process of emotionally integrating everything that took place on that final Sunday in November. The experience was indeed very real and incredibly powerful – there is absolutely no doubt regarding either of those facts.

But even now, I am still waiting for the emotions to completely settle – for the powerful growth to have time in which to fully integrate.

Intuitively I know with all of my heart that thick layers of childhood and past-life emotional densities did indeed fly out of my soul in life-altering ways – but I also know that I am still quite far from being an enlightened being. Other layers of unrecognized belief systems and emotional densities most certainly remain to be discovered and transformed.

Only time will bring full integration and clarity. But even with the ample time that I now have, I have a tendency to slip into old belief patterns – attempting to force unreasonable structural demands onto my playful inner child.

For six straight days, I wrote with daily passion. But just yesterday, as I attempted to write about these electrifying experiences, I reached a point of near emotional burnout and inner-child rebellion.

Had it not been for another session yesterday with Keith, I might have continued to melt-down even further. I soon recognized the source of my emotional exhaustion and burnout – my playful passion to write had begun to revert back into an obsession of adult responsibility.

My inner child burst forth with glee during yesterday’s chocolate ceremony. When we got home, the little girl in me took over with a playful vengeance.

“No, uh-huh,” she told me. “We are not going to cook tonight. We are going out for hamburgers and fries. Then we are going to just have fun and watch a movie.”

My playful passion is back, and my little inner child is reminding me that I need to balance. I will continue writing with passion, but I will also treat myself to some much needed emotional integration time – time to let the still frazzled emotions settle – time to let the amazing growth lessons integrate – time to simply play and feel my connection with the divine.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

 
(This is the sixth installment of a series of posts describing my experiences in San Marcos, Guatemala from November 7^th up to the present time. Subsequent posts will follow very soon.)

A cool morning breeze brushes my face while the low rising sun begins to gently warm my cheeks. As I sip my mug of hot lemon juice, Sandra giggles and exclaims, “Brenda, I can just feel it. Today is going to be an amazing day!”

Something must be is in the air, because I too feel the almost magical energy. In joyful anticipation, I imagine myself surrounded by a warm fuzzy blanket of unconditional love.

After a very emotionally-difficult three days, Thanksgiving morning feels like the perfect opportunity to overflow with deep gratitude – gratitude for an amazing roommate – gratitude for a continuous stream of unbelievable spiritual growth opportunities – and gratitude for bringing fascinating spiritual teachers into my life, each with such varied styles and gifts to offer.

Unexpected Twists

A new opportunity has presented itself, and my heart demands that I take advantage of the offer. To make a very long story quite short, Sandra met a woman-in-need yesterday, and has volunteered to escort her out to participate in a semi-private session with Keith at 12:30 p.m.. Nadia has assured Sandra that she would not miss anything important in class.

When I feel intuitively prompted to ask, “Can I join you?” I am delighted as Sandra tells me “Yes, of course. Keith told me that if you feel guided to ask, that you are absolutely welcome to come along and join us.”

Morning class time with Nadia is amazing. In deep spiritual peace, we finish up our Sacred Geometry meditations and then switch modes into the realm of Reiki Master attunements. I find myself floating in harmonious, radiating, peaceful energy.

The moment that Reiki Master Attunements are finished, Sandra and I scurry out the door. Even though we are already fifteen minutes late, we know that Guatemala time prevails, and that we will be just fine – except for one thing that is.

We cannot find the woman that we are supposed to bring with us. For ten minutes we walk around the grounds of the beautiful little hotel where the woman is staying. Her room is empty, and the staff says that she left a few hours earlier. Finally, we turn to each other to ask “What do you think we should do now?”

My heart cries out “Go to Keith’s house anyway.” I smile and share my intuition with Sandra, pointing out that perhaps the Universe is setting us up to have our own little private session with Keith – just the two of us.

“I feel the same thing.” Sandra replies confidently as we begin the beautiful ten-minute walk toward the edge of town.

Soon, as we sit chatting with our favorite Chocolate Shaman on his patio, Keith asks with a grin. “Do you two want to play?”

Keith loves what he does so much, that for him – and now for me – this type of emotional/intuitive work literally does feels like play. Keith has a little extra raw cacao already mixed up, so we decide to do our own mini chocolate ceremony.

Bringing Back The Magic

“Brenda,” Keith begins, “you have done some amazing work this week.”

As I reflect on my roller coaster ride of the last five days this welcome little verbal “pat on the back” feels quite validating and reassuring. Almost before finishing his sentence, however, Keith switches his attention over to Sandra.

Keith is intuitively guided to coach Sandra through the process of reintegrating some of the childhood magic that she pushed out of her life when she was a little girl – something she had done to protect the magic from being scarred and damaged. To my amazement and delight, everything that Keith discusses with Sandra seems to apply equally as well to my own intuitive journey.

While Keith guides Sandra, I embark on my own parallel journey through a subconscious realm that is remarkably similar – a journey of discovery, searching for my own inner magic that was buried away in a very safe place during a time when I was very young.

At one point, I feel a strong intuition to go into a relaxing Mer-Ka-Ba meditation. Just as I am on the fourteenth breath – a phase where the meditation switches the energetic focus deep into the heart space – Keith suddenly switches his attention back to me.

“Good Brenda,” Keith interjects. “Now you are moving to a whole new level of growth and integration.”

I giggle as I silently recognize that, in a very special way, Keith has just validated what I am doing. Several times during the first half of our session, I again focus my loving heart energy into another powerful Mer-Ka-Ba meditation. Each time, right around the point where I reach the fourteenth breath, Keith again suddenly switches attention back to me, making another powerful feedback comment.

My heart energy is alive and flying.

Not all of the attention is on Sandra. I feel fully included at every step. “Bringing in the magic” seems to call powerfully to my soul. This hidden magic consists of my intuitive and psychic gifts that would have been seen as wrong, abnormal, and possibly even evil in the religious world of my youth. I had to bury the magic deeply in order to protect it. If I had not done so, the magic would have been rejected, punished, and damaged beyond recognition.

Social Magic

Suddenly a new insight flashes brightly through my subconscious mind in a very powerful way.

As if out of nowhere, with no help whatsoever from Keith, I unexpectedly recognize that my incredibly difficult social years as a teenager were in fact a huge blessing – a blessing that protected my precious inner magic from the trampling feet of strangers.

Prior to recognizing my gender struggles, I had been quite the outgoing and social child. But as soon as I began to realize that I was being teased for my personality differences, I immediately shut down my heart to protect what was inside.

Before today’s session with Keith, I have always assumed that what I buried beneath the shame of those tender years was simply a boatload of gender related insecurity and pain. But now, as I quietly meditate while Keith talks to Sandra, I intuitively realize that I was protecting much more than that – I was guarding a treasure chest of priceless precious jewels.

Like Sandra, I too had a great deal of inner magic going on in my childhood – but that magic was so clouded over by gender struggles that I simply could not see it. Much of what made me feel like a misfit had nothing at all to do with gender – but in my confusion, I refrained from further exposing my precious inner magic to the potential ridicule of others.

Had I remained a bubbly and social youth, I would most likely have been a much different person today. Being popular would have caused my life’s river to flow in completely different canyons – different friends, different values, different everything. I have no way to know what may have been different – yet deep intuition tells me that my social withdrawal was a critical element in protecting who I am from being damaged in ways that I can now only speculate.

Yes, the social isolation into which I put myself is largely responsible for keeping my magic safe and sound. By remaining deeply buried, the magic remained intact and unharmed.

Attempts to explain the sudden power of my new insight defy logic and reason.

Socially-limiting beliefs that I have carried around for as long as I can remember seem to suddenly vanish into thin air. I no longer feel even the slightest bit socially defective. The thoughts of being a social misfit – of being a clumsy social reject – literally seem quite laughable.

I feel deep gratitude for the protection of my teenage years. I recognize that everything was exactly as it needed to be – exactly as my Higher Self planned it to be – and that all was perfect.

While meditating quietly in the presence of Keith and Sandra, deep social confidence begins to flow through my veins. I feel as if I have been given a blood transfusion of true identity and divine essence. Gone are the regrets, confusion, doubts, and fears regarding social interaction. Restored is a pure feeling of unconditional love. Peace fills my heart.

Thanksgiving Joy

As darkness begins to settle around Keith’s magical porch, Sandra and I glance at each other to confirm the time.

Terri, one of our amazing classmates in Nadia’s course, is hosting Nadia, Mark, Sharon, Sandra, and I for a beautiful Thanksgiving dinner tonight.

A flash of intuition causes me to open my mouth. “Why don’t you join us tonight?” I ask Keith. “Terri loves you, and I know there will be enough food. In fact, if there is a shortage of food you can have half of my plate.”

“Yes, please do join us.” Sandra adds with love. “You can have half of my plate too.”

Keith graciously accepts our heartfelt invitation.

As Sandra and I are about half way back to our apartment, I suddenly jump for joy – literally leaping repeatedly into the air and spinning in circles while screaming out passionate empowering statements at the top of my lungs – statements such as “Hello world, it’s my birthday” and “I’m back” and “Look out world, here I come.”

Yes, Sandra and I are on a relatively isolated patch of road that is lined by jungle on both sides, but I feel as if I could scream for joy right in the middle of a huge crowd and it would make no difference.

Feeling reborn seems to be a frequent experience these days. I am kind of getting used to the feeling.

Thanksgiving Chicken

Thirty minutes later, Keith is knocking at our door, and the three of us walk toward our destination through a small maze of poorly-lit dirt paths. Our hostess, Terri, owns a small hotel and restaurant here in San Marcos. The restaurant has been closed because of low-season, but tonight, it is open and thriving – just for us.

The evening is magical. The Thanksgiving chicken is delightful, and the social conversation is alive with love. I cannot think of a more beautiful ending to a perfect day.

As I rest my head on my soft pillow, my mind drifts back to cool morning breezes, warm rising sun, hot lemon tea, and a delightful conversation with Sandra. Our morning intuition had been perfect.

“Brenda, I can just feel it.” I giggle quietly to myself. “Yes, today did indeed turn out to be an amazing day.”

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

 
(This is the fifth installment of a series of posts describing my experiences in San Marcos, Guatemala from November 7^th up to the present time. Subsequent posts will follow very soon.)

There are no adequate words for how I feel on Sunday evening after my amazing emotional cleanse with Sandra and Keith. On the one hand, I indeed feel ecstatic and emotionally reborn. On the other, my body is wired – behaving as if I have consumed an overdose of caffeine.

Physical exhaustion reigns supreme – yet sleep seems an impossible fantasy. I rest for a few hours in my room during the afternoon. My eyes are closed but my mind never leaves the race track – continuing to speed around the sharp curves at excessively high speeds.

I am again snuggled tightly in my blankets by 8:00 p.m., but any attempt at sleep is laughable, increasingly futile. So much stagnant energy had shifted in my body that it seems as if every cell is staying up late, chatting excitedly with the neighbors about the amazing windstorm that came through the neighborhood earlier in the day. While eagerly cleaning house, each of the little cells seems obsessed with constantly sweeping the corners, rearranging furniture, redecorating the walls, and opening the windows to let more energetic light shine in.

A continuous sequence of frequent time checks leaves my tired mind estimating that perhaps I may have slept for a few hours between 1:00 a.m. and 5:00 a.m., but the jury is still out on this one, deliberating their verdict. Perhaps I did sleep, the jurors argue, but then again, there is reasonable doubt. Maybe I just forgot to check the clock during those early morning hours.

High as a Kite

Monday morning (November 22), I walk into The Flower House feeling as if I am on a different planet. My head is still floating in the clouds and my feet feel as if they are levitating six inches above the ground.

I am not quite sure how I feel. Spiritually high would definitely be accurate. Physically dead, as if my body had been drug behind a pickup truck all night, might be another adequate metaphor. In desperate need of some physical rest and more spiritual grounding is probably one of the better descriptions.

Feeling incapable of social interaction, I sit quietly in a corner, letting my mind drift in the clouds while others go about their usual pre-class routines.

I am deeply excited to begin this week’s classes with Nadia. We will be exploring various areas of Sacred Geometry – a topic that has become one of my passions over the past three to four months. In fact deepening my understanding of Sacred Geometry was originally the only reason why I was even interested in the possibility of studying with Nadia.

Sacred Geometry

Explaining Sacred Geometry in a single paragraph is next to impossible. First of all, I am still trying to integrate the understanding into my own soul. I am neither qualified, nor do I even presume to have a comprehensive grasp of the complex subject. In a nutshell, however, geometric and numerical principles form the basis for the creation of our physical world. Everything in this material realm has energetic counterparts in higher dimensions – dimensions of higher vibration energy that is invisible to our five senses.

Our physical body is surrounded by an energetic field in the shape of a star tetrahedron – two three-sided pyramids, one pointing up and one pointing down, overlapping each other in a way that creates an eight-pointed three-dimensional energy field that surrounds our body. Similar energy fields also exist for our higher-dimensional emotional and mental bodies. The balance and movement of these energy fields is all part of our inner light body that helps us to balance and to raise our level of consciousness.

My main goal in studying with Nadia this week is to learn how to do a somewhat-complex meditation practice that helps to get these energy fields spinning in certain patterns that will stabilize the inner-light-body energy – a meditation process called Mer-Ka-Ba.

Today in class, we learn the first phases of this Mer-Ka-Ba meditation. I am still floating in the energy as we take our lunch break. Our afternoon lesson time involves learning how to draw a geometric image known as “The Flower of Life”. Drawing the image is one thing. Actually understanding it is a lifetime process. I don’t yet know how, but a profound sense of knowing tells me that seeking such deeper understanding is definitely in my future. So many of my previous spiritual synchronicities are pointing me in this direction! All I can do is trust that things will be revealed to me in sequence, exactly as I need to know them.

Monday evening, my soul is begging for an opportunity to begin writing. So many incredible things have happened during the last sixteen days. I feel desperate to catch up – desperately craving the opportunity to document and to share my journey of growth.

Because of a shift in schedules, it turns out that tomorrow will be a short half-day class at Nadia’s. As I drift off into much needed restful sleep, I dream about my creative release. I do not know how far I will get in my writing, but my heart is demanding that I fully immerse myself into the creative process beginning tomorrow afternoon. I am fully committed to honor my inner need. Nothing will stop me – nothing.

The Setup

Tuesday morning, after practicing the next phase of Mer-Ka-Ba meditation, I am again floating in spiritual la-la land. At 12:30 p.m., I give Sandra a quick hug and excitedly tell her that I am running home to begin my writing.

Sandra will be receiving a short treatment from Nadia before she herself comes home. I am eager and excited to have a few minutes of quiet time by myself to whip up a quick batch of mashed potatoes before locking myself away in my room to begin my passionate writing.

“Oh, Brenda,” Sandra warns me with love, “Sharon is coming over this afternoon to help me with our secret project … but I promise that we will talk quietly and not bother you.”

“No problem.” I tell Sandra with a slight lump of hesitation in my throat. “I will just hideout in my room. Don’t worry about me.”

*  *  *  *  *

PLEASE – PLEASE – PLEASE – read the following before continuing on …

Dear sweet Sharon. How I love her so!

I love this beautiful little twenty-five-year-old angel-from-Israel with all of my heart.

But accessing that love has not always been so easy for me – in fact it has been quite challenging – perhaps my most profound growth lesson of the past few weeks.

Today is not yet the time to go into my bumpy growth-filled relationship with Sharon. I guarantee that this will come up quite soon in subsequent writing. But I do need to put a tiny bit of framework in place at this time.

Sharon and I have recently passed through some amazing growth integration – we are both incredibly grateful for the way in which we manifested each other into our lives. But the rollercoaster ride has at times been a wild one.

On Tuesday, November 23, my relationship with Sharon was still quite stressed and tentative. Don’t get me wrong here. We had experienced great times too … but our personalities seemed to clash in very confusing ways. On a frequent basis, her behavior seemed to push every one of my emotional triggers – sometimes just one or two at a time – sometimes all at once. Often, it seemed as if Sharon took great delight in smashing those triggers using a sledge hammer or even a stick of dynamite.

I write today with Sharon’s loving permission. She knows how deeply I love her. She knows how much I once struggled. We are both deeply blessed for the growth that we now share together.

As you continue reading, PLEASE remember that what I describe in these pages is the process that I was going through then – three weeks ago – it was a beautiful process that needed to happen exactly as it did.

Today, the healing is complete, and unconditional love abounds. All is well and healed in our friendship.

Nuclear Meltdown

My perimeter fences are thirty-feet tall, made of solid stainless steel – nothing, not anyone, will tear down my walls of isolation. My writing today IS going to happen!

Just as I am peeling my first potato, Sharon wanders up the steps and positions herself at my screen door.

“Brenda,” Sharon asks with puppy dog eyes. “Do you mind if I cook myself some toast while I wait for Sandra? …. And could I use some of your butter?”

“Sure, come on in … just a little bit of butter.” I respond coldly as I invite Sharon to enter. I try extremely hard to be polite and loving – but emotions inside are screaming for defensive action – to stop this unwanted space invasion before it dominates my next hour.

“What are you making Brend?” Sharon asks with curiosity.

“I’m rushing to cook myself some quick mashed potatoes,” I respond with an unexpected emphasis on the word myself, “so that I can hurry into my room, isolate myself, and begin a long afternoon of writing.”

I feel a twinge of guilt that I do not offer to cook a few extra potatoes for Sharon, but I suppress the guilt and stand firm in my resistance. I justify my attitude by reminding myself that I am in a hurry, and that I have already made it quite clear that I want to be alone this afternoon.

I continue putting down firm boundaries, determined to keep my walls high and strong – but my underlying energy is reeking with negativity, defensiveness, and feelings of resentment. Not only am I resenting Sharon for pushing her way across the boundaries of my protected space, but in my mind I am also beginning to blame Sandra for inviting Sharon over when Sandra knows that I desperately need some time alone.

I completely forget that Sharon literally feels other peoples’ emotions. It is impossible for me to hide my negative emotional energy from her.

The next twenty minutes are mostly silent as Sharon and I stumble around like invisible elephants in the same room. We occasionally speak a word or two, but such communication is awkward. I offer her some cinnamon and honey for her toast … but my heart is not behind the offer … I am simply trying to be polite.

As I begin to mash my now-cooked potatoes, Sandra returns home – just in time to witness a very difficult situation begin to unfold – or should I say explode?

“Brenda,” Sharon boldly interrupts. “You are making me feel very uncomfortable by the way you are treating me.”

“I’m sorry Sharon,” I try to respond with love, “But I’m simply trying to maintain some boundaries so that I can have some alone time this afternoon. I have very politely told you that I need to be alone.”

“But you’re doing it all wrong …..” Sharon begins to lecture me.

Sandra just stands back, refusing to get in the middle of anything. I try to defend myself, but Sharon has her mind made up and she completely blocks any of my attempts to defend myself.

After about ten minutes of very awkward, loving-but-harsh conversation, I finally excuse myself.

“This conversation is going nowhere.” I interject. “I love you, but I don’t agree with you, and I just want to have some alone time to go write. That is exactly what I am going to go do.”

I walk into my room, lock my door, and sit on my bed. First I begin to fume, then I invite myself to a pity party, next I cry for a few minutes, and finally I simply curl up on my bed in shock and anger.

For ten minutes I sit and pout while my laptop remains unopened. I know that writing from this emotional frame of mind will be literally impossible.

As I remain curled up on my bed, ego is raging, demanding that I lash out further in my defense, justifying my anger and victimization. Ego and pride have been dominating my feelings for thirty minutes now.

As I recognize this fact, I temporarily set ego aside and ponder a few of my favorite “A Course In Miracles” workbook lesson quotes.

“I am never upset for the reason I think,” Is one of my favorites. Then I ask myself, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?”

I know that I am not really angry at Sharon. I am actually angry at myself for my awkward behavior. Many of the things that Sharon expressed in frustration are true. And of course I would rather be humble and happy instead of proud and stubborn.

I ponder Sharon’s accusation about me not being socially appropriate, and about me not giving off a good energy to make her feel welcome in my home, etc…

“This is not about Sharon,” I tell myself. “It is about me and my projections. I need to apologize to her. I need to humble myself and to use this as a growth lesson.”

Heartfelt Apology

With humility and sadness in my heart, I open my bedroom door and walk slowly out onto the patio where Sandra and Sharon are seated. Standing in front of Sharon, I begin to open my mouth.

“Please, I don’t want you to say anything. Please, please just listen and let me talk. I desperately need to be heard without being interrupted.”

“You’re probably right about me.” I begin to cry as my vulnerability pours forth. “For most of my entire life I have felt like a social misfit. I never knew what it meant to have a friend until my mid thirties, and I didn’t have my first real “normal” friend until about ten years ago.”

“I have struggled with social phobias throughout my whole life.” I continue. “I don’t have a lot of social skills when it comes to entertaining others. Feelings of being socially defective continue to push their claws into my daily interactions with others.”

“I was not trying to be offensive and rude with you.” I add. “I recognize that my energy was very defensive and stand-offish – but my intentions were pure and genuine. I was simply trying to protect my boundaries. I love you, but I desperately need some alone time to write.”

Then I lovingly point out to Sharon that she has a very strong personality, and that she has a recent history of overstepping peoples’ attempts to establish boundaries with her.

I feel extremely empowered by the words as they pass from my lips. I am proud of myself for having the courage to lovingly speak my truth.

Sharon listens quietly, but as soon as I finish my speech, she begins to engage me in another pointless debate about social proprieties.

“Brenda,” Sharon tells me lovingly, “If I needed my space and someone came to my home, I would invite them in, offer them something to drink, show them where my television and DVDs are, offer them whatever is in my fridge … and then I would simply walk away, go to my room and close my door.”

“That is what you should have done with me.” Sharon adds.

“I could never do that.” I respond with shock and protest. “That would be so incredibly rude to offer someone hospitality and to then simply walk away and abandon them in my own home.”

The conversation begins to hit a brick wall as Sharon continues to banter with me in ways that I do not wish to engage. Finally, as I am nearly up to my neck in frustration, a few clever words pop into my head.

“Sharon,” I say with a smile and a genuine giggle, “I am so glad you are here. The stereo and my IPOD are in there on the table. Please feel free to help yourself to anything that you can find in the fridge. I love you, and I am going to go into my room now to do some writing.”

I bend over to give Sharon a genuine little hug and kiss on the cheek as I notice that Sandra sends me a loving wink.

As I return to my room, my emotions are raw and my state of spiritual centering is virtually nonexistent. I know intuitively that I will not be writing a single word for the rest of the day.

Swimming in the Muck

For the next hour I feel like a prisoner in my own room.

I want to go sit in nature – to work on centering myself – but cannot bring myself to walk out of my room. I feel incapable of slipping past Sandra and Sharon without bursting into tears, and I simply do not want to publicly expose more of my emotional vulnerability at this time.

I want to let myself cry and engage in some therapeutic emotional cleansing – but I fear that Sandra and Sharon will hear me and I don’t want to create more drama.

So I sit and pout, stuck in ego – doing absolutely nothing except to feel the pain of someone who is beginning to hate herself – to hate her social clumsiness and stumbling – to feel helpless and alone.

I try to cheer myself up by repeating my mission statement. “I am a beautiful and courageous divine daughter of God, overflowing with unconditional love and blah blah blah.”

 Ego simply laughs at the ridiculous words, stabbing me in the heart as she skillfully makes me feel tiny and lost – like an ugly hypocrite.

I try to remain the observer of my private little pity party, but seem to be quite attached to the woe-is-me feeling that is pulsing through my veins.

Finally I decide that I will go for a walk anyway. I open my door and step into the kitchen. There is no sign of Sandra or Sharon anywhere. Instead I find a short note.

“Brend, Gone to eat sushi with Tzuri and Sharon. I love you … and I’m proud of you J. (Heart) Sandra   XX.  PS: help yourself to a cookie if you want!”

The note partially cheers me up. “Why is Sandra proud of me?” I ponder. I too am proud that I found the courage to go apologize and to lovingly speak my truth – but I behaved like a complete jerk … or did I?”

I turn the paper over and write a short response. “Sandra – Gone for a walk out toward Tzununá … should be back before dark. I love you too … Brenda.”

I am still feeling quite down on myself as I head out. Rather than hiking to Tzununá, I simply walk down to the lake , stopping at a little two story building by a dock that is just a hundred yards beyond Keith’s home.

Beautiful lake views, towering volcanoes, and blue skies do nothing to cheer me up. My emotions are still stuck in the muck. I feel helplessly trapped by my own inability to deal with the intensity of my bottled-up emotions.

An hour later, in total surrender and frustration, I walk slowly home, stopping first at a small store to purchase refreshments for my ongoing pity party – four ice cream bars – all for me.

A few minutes later, after devouring two of my tasty treats, I run downstairs to buy vegetables for dinner. Who should I bump into on the path but Keith, carrying a large pack filled with shopping goodies that he had purchased on his daytrip to Panajachel.

“Hey Brenda, there’s music tonight at ‘Fe’”, Keith tells me with a smile.

“I’m just not in a social mood today.” I blurt out – before giving him the short story of my poor-me pity-party struggles. I feel embarrassed as I briefly share my struggle with Keith. I know it is nothing – I know I will be OK – I simply need to be alone and give myself some time to heal.

The Quest for Peace

Wednesday morning I awaken with the feeling that I must have spent the evening in a hot sizzling emotional frying pan. I fear that a quick look in the mirror might reveal the face of a frightening zombie. I feel as if I have not slept well for years.

A quick heart-to-heart discussion with Sandra makes me feel much better as pent-up emotions finally begin to release in the form of tears flowing lightly down my cheeks. I ask if she could possibly assist me later on – could she be a “stand-in” actress in a few experiential psycho-drama therapy techniques that I know will help me to get my suppressed emotions up and out – techniques that will help me turn my exhaustion and pain into love and peace.

Sandra lovingly volunteers to help me in any way she can. I look forward to her assistance, but hope that it will no longer be necessary by evening.

Day three of our Mer-Ka-Ba meditation is as beautiful as ever. I love the practice and am floating in the clouds during the meditation – yet my physical body remains in a completely unsettled state. I am disconnected from my source – still feeling discouraged, depressed, and downright confused.

“If anyone wants to do a practice crystal healing session this afternoon,” I begin to ask, “I would love to be your subject. I could really use some additional grounding.”

Everyone already has plans.

Nadia soon speaks up. “Brenda, I would be glad to do a crystal session on you later this afternoon.”

By the time Nadia is finished working her crystal magic on me, I feel like a new woman. Peace has returned to my soul, joy has returned to my face, and love has returned to my heart – but I am still so physically exhausted that I again go to bed early for the fourth night in a row.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. My heart is indeed filled with gratitude – but my body is still desperate for rest.

Flash Forward

It is now Monday evening, December 13. As I look back on these excruciatingly difficult few days of my journey, I am slightly embarrassed about even hitting the “publish” button. I am not proud of the deep level of emotional disconnect that I reached during those three days leading up to Thanksgiving – but at the same time, those struggle-filled days were indeed a major part of my growth path – an important part of a story that must be told with love and genuineness.

As my marathon of writing continues to bring healing clarity, I now find it quite easy to recognize that my state of emotional disconnect was a combination of several things.

First, I had just finished passing through some amazing and deep emotional processing, releasing huge amounts of past emotional density. As a result, I began the week feeling exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

Second, I had not written in my blog for sixteen days. My bottled-up inner passions were screaming for meaningful creative release. The pressure was building on a daily basis.

Third, Sharon and I did not yet realize it, but we were beginning to engage in an amazing healing dance – a dance which needed to unfold exactly as it did – a dance for which I will always be eternally grateful. I promise to explain later.

In retrospect, I now recognize that these three days of “low energies” were a critical setup which eventually contributed in a major way to my present-day renewed passion – a passion to write, write, write, like I have never written before.

I am truly grateful for both the struggles and the joyful triumphs. Powerful growth has blessed my life as a result of each. But one thing is now more clear than ever. Suppression of my creative passions is what triggers growth to come via struggle.

I would rather choose joyful growth through embracing my passions. That seems to be a lot more fun.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

 
(This is the fourth installment of a series of posts describing my experiences in San Marcos, Guatemala from November 7^th up to the present time. Subsequent posts will follow very soon.)

I remember like it was yesterday. The first few weeks of sharing an apartment with Sandra felt like living in a magical fairy tale. As we gradually prepared to begin Nadia’s course, our lives were filled with joyful growth and laughter, frequent spiritual conversations, and delightful outings with our friends. As the first day of our classes finally arrived, Sandra and I found ourselves giggling with excited anticipation and child-like joy.

“Let’s be silly and pretend that we are penguins.” I teased Sandra as we prepared to make the five minute walk down to Nadia’s house.

The playful unexpected thought had not been premeditated – the silly idea simply surfaced out of thin air and found itself escaping through my out-loud voice. A few minutes later, at 8:45 a.m. Sandra and I waddled out the front door and turned the deadbolt three times to secure the lock.

“Hi, my name is Pingoo.” Sandra exclaimed joyfully with an outstretched hand. “What’s your name?”

“Nice to meet you Pingoo.” I replied. Then, with barely a second to think, I quickly added, “And my name is Pinga.”

The two of us must have been quite the comical sight as we waddled side-by-side down San Marcos’ main cobblestone walk, completely ignoring the smirking faces of those who stopped to watch. In typical penguin fashion, we stood up straight, with our arms held tightly at our sides and our legs clenched firmly together. Pointing our hands and feet outward, we wobbled, wiggled, and giggled, back and forth down the one-hundred-yard sloping path all the way into Nadia’s front door.

Have I told you Lately?

When Sandra had first suggested the possibility of renting a home together, I was both ecstatic and frightened at the same time.

Joyful anticipation filled my heart at the thought of sharing space with such a beautiful and spiritual young woman. Even though she is only twenty-three years old, I saw Sandra as my spiritual teacher – a powerful and wise “old soul” growing up in a young and vibrant body.

At the other end of the pendulum swing, fear of messing up an amazing friendship taunted me, telling me that I would fail. I know myself well enough to realize that I often crave privacy and space – a quiet place to write, along with ample uninterrupted time to do so. If I cannot find that space, I have in the past experienced a tendency to feel trapped, sometimes projecting my confusing feelings onto others. Uncertainty laughed in my face, telling me that if I were to share an apartment with Sandra, my whole life would be shaken up, and that I might regret the loss of privacy and possibly even the friendship.

It was not until Sandra and I spent a house-hunting day together that we both knew, without any doubt, what we would be doing. Our hearts were both strongly and energetically guided to the same newer and modern two bedroom apartment right in the center of town. Yes, it was a done deal – we would be sharing the apartment together.

I instantly knew that I had made the right decision. I can only remember one time during our nine weeks together when I started to judge and to project – but I quickly turned that one around by tearfully apologizing to Sandra for what I was beginning to do.

“Have I told you lately how much I love living with you?” began to be a common phrase that we frequently spoke to each other – sometimes even multiple times in the same day.

Old Souls

On an almost daily basis, I continued to be amazed by the depth of Sandra’s soul. We became each others’ teacher. Many times she would offer deep gratitude for the insights into life and love that I was able to share with her. And my statements of loving gratitude to her were every bit as frequent. I learned so much simply by watching and observing her, especially in the social arena.

At times it felt as if we were a mother-daughter combo, at other times I felt as if we were two teenage girls having a fun giggle together. And then there were times when Sandra glowed with love and endearment as she told me that, in many ways, my personality reminded her of her father.

But always, we continued to feel the incredible depth of our soul connection – to recognize that the wisdom within each of us is very ancient – far older than the age of our physical bodies.

One of our favorite things to do during our frequent spiritual conversations would be to suddenly burst into the shaking voice of a little old woman, squeaking out words such as: “You are such an oooollllldddd soul.” – or – “We are such oooollllldddd souls.”

Guess Who’s Coming to Visit

It is 9:30 p.m. when an unexpected visitor shows up at the patio door. Sandra and I are in the middle of deep meaningful conversation. Our day has been delightful – including a morning session with Nadia doing facials and learning the meridian points on the face.

Playing with acupressure points around the eyes had again caused me to focus slightly on the fears regarding my right eye. But as I did so, I had realized that I am now completely at peace with whatever happens. Inner feelings confirm that all is perfect – so perfect in fact that I almost completely forget that today (November 20) is the exact one-year anniversary of my last physical trauma. Gratitude still fills my heart for the life-changing experiences related to that third degree burn in the Yucatan.

But conversations and memories all disappear into nothingness as we open our patio door, and a bubbling and animated Keith walks out of the late-night darkness into our cozy living room, excited to share the many events of his day with us.

Keith quickly tells about some fun spiritual experiences and synchronicities that are unfolding in his own life. His most recent one occurred as the result of feeling a prompting to walk into town to go to the “Tienda El Centro” (The Store in the Center). Directly in front of the store, Keith had become engaged in a powerful conversation with two people from Catelonia (a part of Spain).

“They scheduled an impromptu chocolate ceremony with me for tomorrow morning at 8:30 a.m.,” Keith tells Sandra and I with animated passion, “and I feel strongly that I would like the two of you to both be there as well.”

“I’ll be there for sure.” I respond with slightly mixed feelings.

For several days now, I had been planning to spend my Sunday engulfed in non-stop writing. Suppressed creative passions were bubbling inside – but I also intuitively sensed that this session with Keith was one that I should not miss.

“I guess my writing can wait a few more days.” I reluctantly whisper to my soul.

Keith then looks into Sandra’s eyes and tells her that he has definitely not been seeing enough of her, and that she has some powerful work that she needs to do before she goes home. Sandra hesitates in responding because she already has plans to spend her Sunday with Sharon, shopping for family gifts and running last minute errands.

“But Sharon will be waiting for me in the morning.” Sandra blurts out.

I can intuitively sense that Sandra wants to participate in the ceremony, but is feeling trapped by previous commitments. I quickly point out that we could take a Tuk-tuk out to Sharon’s home in the morning (a 20 minute walk) and leave her a note, letting her know about the change in plans.

“I guess that would work.” Sandra responds hopefully. “But I need to sleep on it before I am sure regarding what to do.”

Get Out Of Your Head

The air is crisp and cool as the early morning sun peeks above the mountains across the lake. Sipping my mug slowly, the hot lemon water gently warms my tummy. The banana trees below are especially beautiful on this magical Sunday morning.

As I drift in and out of meditation, I am again drawn to the memory of my intuitive prompting earlier in the week – the one telling me that Sandra needs to help me with something before she flies home to Australia. Something deep in my heart tells me that today will be the day that this happens.

When Sandra finally brings her own mug out onto the porch I can intuitively sense her slight confusion.

“Have you decided what to do yet?” I ask with hopeful curiosity.

“I don’t think I am going to the ceremony this morning.” Sandra begins. “There is so much I want to do today and there is just not time …”

“Is that answer coming from your head or your heart?” I ask lovingly.

Intuitively, I know that Sandra needs to go to the ceremony, but I also know that if I try to push her, my effort will backfire. I want to try to reason with her, to coax her, to convince her – but instead I do something even more difficult. I say nothing more. Waiting quietly, I return my focus to the beautiful nature scene directly in front of me.

“Sandra is deeply intuitive,” I reassure myself. “As soon as she connects with her heart, she will know what to do.”

“I guess I am going with you to Keith’s this morning.” Sandra pipes up a few minutes later. “Thank you for reminding me to pay attention to my heart.”

At 8:00 a.m., the two of us hop into the cramped back seat of a funny-looking Tuk-tuk. Five minutes later, I wait in the small three-wheeled motorcycle taxi while Sandra runs down a jungle path to leave a note for Sharon. By 8:15 we are being dropped off back in the center of San Marcos – just enough time to regroup and to stroll out to one of my favorite spots on the other side of town.

Explosion of Tears

Six of us are gathered in a small circle of chairs on Keith’s cozy little porch. The morning sun is now quite warm, as is my heart. I love participating in these types of healing ceremonies – both for my own personal healing and because of the joy that I receive when I am able to help others in one small way or another.

After the initial formalities and discussions, the ceremony is finally underway. Adela, a beautiful woman from Catelonia, appears to be in the process of uncovering some deeply buried energy. Her face fluctuates frequently, vacillating between looks of fear and terror intermixed with joyful bursts of smiles and giggles. I have no idea what is going on in her mind, but I am fascinated to be an observer.

“Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts, “I want you to connect to Adela’s energy.”

“I guess I get to do a few things to help Adela,” I think to myself as I naively interpret Keith’s intentions.

Immediately, I lock eyes with this amazing woman. I hardly even blink. Adela is sitting directly across the circle from me, perhaps seven or eight feet away.

I do not know exactly how it happens, but I almost immediately feel as if I am connected to Adela’s soul. I began to laugh with her and I begin to cry with her. I feel her fluctuating emotions. But I am unsure, perhaps even slightly confused, as to whether the emotions I am experiencing are hers or if they are my own. And exactly whose emotions is she feeling? Mine or hers? I simply do not know.

One thing I do know is that when I maintain my unbroken eye connection, I am looking directly into the eyes of God. Her joyful ecstasy is my joyful ecstasy. Her fearful shaking is my own trembling fear. My heart continues to soften. I feel a deep recognition of unconditional love. I do not have the slightest clue where this is all leading me, but I absolutely love the experience – the sensation of hanging out and communing with divinity herself.

After perhaps fifteen minutes, I am quite surprised as I overhear Keith ask Sandra if she would like to come over to work with me.

“Why do I need help?” I think to myself. “The only thing I am doing is helping Adela. This is not about me … or is it? What does Keith have up his sleeve this time?”

Sandra seems to intuitively know exactly what to do. Grabbing an overstuffed pillow, she kneels down on the ground directly in front of me. Ever so gently, Sandra places her hands in the middle of my forearms – just above my wrists. Instinctively I respond by wrapping my own fingers around her tiny warm arms.

As our energies connect, I get an immediate intuitive sensation that Sandra is about to take me somewhere – somewhere deep in the subconscious world – somewhere that I cannot quite reach by myself.

I feel Sandra’s gaze staring directly into my eyes, but Adela and I maintain unbroken eye contact with each other. I am still not sure what is happening – not sure if Sandra is helping me so that I can help Adela – or perhaps it is the other way around. Perhaps Sandra and Adela are both helping me. I do not seem to have the answer.

I give up trying to figure things out, surrendering to the present moment, releasing all attachments as to what may or may not unfold.

A deep internal longing begins to hope that perhaps Sandra is about to take me into a deep right-brain oneness experience – perhaps deeper and more profound than I have ever before imagined. I totally believe Sandra to be capable of doing such a thing.

I surrender to this thought. I crave such a oneness experience. I still have no idea how to get there on my own, but yes, I will allow her energy to guide me. I am eager to find out where it leads.

As I continue staring into Adela’s eyes, I am no longer confused regarding whose emotions that I am feeling. As I anticipate what might be about to happen, I begin to experience feelings of sheer terror – and I know that the terror is my own.

As I surrender to the emotion, I begin to literally shake with fear. The sound coming out of my mouth is a funny cross between moaning and shaking – a vibrato type of terrorized whimper that only intensifies as time goes on.

“Good Brenda,” Keith interrupts, “now we are getting somewhere … let it come up … let it come out …”

Ego wants to hold back – to suppress the embarrassing emotion.

“You are supposed to be a healer!” Ego taunts me. “You don’t deserve to emotionally lose it and to do your own work in front of such a group. You are supposed to be the strong one – the capable and the healed one.”

I ignore ego’s subtle manipulation, continuing down the rabbit hole of the unknown, allowing my fearful sobs to go even deeper. Intuitively, I begin to recognize that I am regressing into deep teenage suffering. This was a period of my life where the emotional anguish was often unbearable. I had believed myself to have already popped the cork on all these buried emotions – but I was obviously mistaken.

I surrender.

Again and again I surrender, going deeper and deeper into the intense painful memories.

As the sobs and shaking continue, I am fully aware that Sandra is giggling and laughing, rocking side to side as she appears to be having the best time of her life. Our forearms are still tightly interlocked.

Somewhere in the process, I realize that between my painful sobs, I too am giggling – both giggling and crying at exactly the same time.

I begin to rock back and forth in synchronized harmony with Sandra. In my mind, I imagine two beautiful little penguins, one helping the other to access and to release deep buried slimy emotion. The little penguins both know that this is all an illusion, and they turn the process into a game.

After what must be at least a half hour of continuous gut-wrenching terror-filled sobs, my physical body begins to collapse. The intensity of the emotion passing through me is so powerful and dark that I can no longer sit upright. As I collapse forward onto Sandra’s hands, I feel as if I need to vomit – not in a physical way but in a deeply emotional way.

Sandra releases her grip on my hands and begins to move them to my crown chakra. I momentarily lift my head, make eye contact with my dear friend, and smile.

“Hello Pinga.” Sandra smiles with a giggle.

“Hello Pingoo.” I giggle before returning to my emotional purging, continuing to rock playfully from side to side.

“I knew it.” I proudly think to myself. “I knew that she was sending me her playful Pingoo energy.”

Deep gratitude flows through my heart. I am fully aware that Sandra is doing exactly what I need her to do to help me before she leaves. She is helping me to access and to free all of the thick volumes that fill the shelves of a huge emotional library – an intense library that is figuratively overflowing with long-forgotten buried pain.

Intuition tells me that I am literally expunging all of the remaining emotional sludge that has been buried away in my solar plexus since those excruciatingly painful years of my life. I don’t know how I know this – but I just know it.

Surfacing in my heart are gut-wrenching memories – memories of aloneness, hopelessness, despair, pain, rejection, sorrow, shame, and helplessness. I feel forgotten and intense anger at God for having abandoned me. I feel the horrible solitude of feeling “damned if you do and damned if you don’t”.

The painful memories continue to surface: “I have to do it alone … there is no one to help me … there is no one to talk to … there is no one … no one … I am alone … no one to help.”

Eventually, the stream of horrific pain begins to die down. Sandra and I are still rocking side to side. She continues to giggle and laugh. I am still simultaneously giggling and crying – but the tears are softer – the emotion is settling. Finally, a deep sense of relief tells me that we are done.

As I gather my strength to return to a sitting position, the peaceful feeling of having been reborn settles gradually into my awareness. I laugh inside as I gratefully recognize that yesterday’s liver cleanse is now complete – the remaining gallstones in my liver were indeed emotional ones, dark blobs of emotional toxicity that had been stored away in forgotten corners of my energetic liver for more than forty years. In this precious moment, I now sense that these large bile-green boulders have been washed away in a raging flash flood of life-changing emotion.

Powerful Processing

When Sandra and I eventually leave the magical space of Keith’s porch, we are both floating in the stratosphere. She is ecstatic – bouncing around in joy, having found a new and deeper connection with her own inner passions as a budding healer. Not only did she help me in amazing and powerful ways, but she had later participated in quite similar energy work with a couple of others in the group.

I too am bouncing around in joy, feeling free and light – as if the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I literally feel reborn. Only time will tell what the long-term effects will be in my life, but regardless, I know that today’s healing was indeed powerful in major life-altering ways.

Later, Sandra relates a little about her experience while working with me. She tells me that she felt a powerful and continuous stream of dark dense energy flowing out of my body, passing through her hands as it grounded itself into mother earth. When I had collapsed into her arms, and as her hands were resting on my crown, Sandra tells me that her hands were frozen in place, as if she would have literally been unable to move them if she had tried.

Yet, through it all, Sandra had known that she was in no danger whatsoever. She was light and giggling, fully trusting that she was simply a vessel – a channel intuitively assisting the dense energy to flow from my body so that it could go to a place where it could be transmuted into light. In a magical way, Sandra had become a powerful empathic conduit, helping me to release my long-trapped lower-vibration energies.

“What was amazing,” Sandra adds with joyful emotion, “is that I simply knew what to do. I didn’t even need to think about it. I just knew.”

Later that night, I again express a deep heartfelt gratitude to my dear Pingoo.

“Sandra,” I tell her, “Have I told you lately how much I love living with you? I am so grateful that you listened to your heart this morning. You have no idea how much you have helped me to heal my life with your simple act of love. There is no doubt in my mind that what you did for me was perfect. It was exactly what my heart told me that you needed to help me with before you fly home next week.”

“I love you Pingoo.” I giggle.

“Love you too, Pinga.”

Back to the Future

As I finish up my writing today, I am amazed by how life is again taking me full circle. The above healing experience with Sandra and Keith took place exactly three weeks ago to the very day. It is now approximately 6:00 p.m. on Sunday, December 12.

This morning, I felt a deep urge to get up early – hoping to finish my writing journey in time to squeeze in a chocolate ceremony with Keith. But as I stared blankly at my computer, a feeling of mild depression and exhaustion haunted my soul. I simply could not access the necessary energy to begin.

Finally, as I considered going back to bed, my heart whispered: “Remember to have a genuine heart and a willingness to push the play button on your IPOD”.

I giggled and reached for my little musical wonder. Thirty minutes later, my soul was on fire with energy as I finally stopped pushing the repeat button for the umpteenth time. The song “Always There” had performed its magic on my heart. My divine source did indeed show up to refuel my soul. With passionate energy overflowing in my heart, I was off and running in day four of my writing marathon.

As fate would direct, my wireless internet connection disappeared at 8:00 a.m., remaining unavailable throughout the day. As noon entered the history books, I intuitively knew that I was only an hour or two away from finishing – and that without internet, there was no point in pushing myself.

The Jedi voices whispered quietly to my soul, saying: “Take a break … take a stroll over to Keith’s magical porch … it is time to balance your writing efforts … today’s chocolate ceremony is calling you.”

Even more amazing is that my internet suddenly came back to life at 5:00 p.m., only fifteen minutes after returning home from an incredible and magical afternoon.

Today’s ceremony was indeed powerful for me. In a turn of energies, I became Sandra, joyfully and playfully assisting others in accessing their own dense energies.

As I held an energetic and loving space, I became Pinga, rocking back and forth, channeling the playful love and healing energy, giggling in my soul as I reminisced about how Pingoo did the same for me just three weeks ago.

Sandra, Have I told you lately how much I loved living with you?

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved