Brenda's Bicycles

 
(This is the third installment of a series of posts describing my experiences in San Marcos, Guatemala from November 7^th up to the present time. Subsequent posts will follow very soon.)

Playing with the swarm of energizing bees in my window has put us behind schedule. Sandra and I still need to run errands in Panajachel – an hour boat trip each way – and we also need to be home by 2:00 p.m. in order to start a tedious liver cleanse process.

For three days now, right in the middle of our bee explorations, we have been eating nothing but brown rice for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Today’s diet is especially important – allowing no fat of any type. Nadia recommends that today we eat only fruits, with absolutely no food intake after 2:00 p.m..

“You will regret it if you have food in your stomach when you begin the actual cleanse.” Nadia had told us.

It is already well after 2:00 p.m. when Sandra and I get off the boat. As we hurry up the path to our apartment, my starving tummy is throwing a tantrum, demanding nourishment before beginning what will be a twenty-four-hour fast.

“No problem,” I tell myself with intuitive confidence. “I will simply delay the entire process for an hour.”

The schedule for our liver cleanse is quite complicated – drinking measured doses of Epsom Salts at 6:00 and 8:00 p.m., then drinking a half cup of olive oil with added grapefruit juice exactly at 10:00 p.m. – going to bed immediately and remaining flat on our back for at least thirty minutes.

We had been warned that messing with the schedule may affect the results, but I simply opt to pretend that I am in a different time zone. “My body will not know the difference.” I peacefully reassure myself.

Everything “goes” smoothly as I struggle to remain awake for the extra hour until 11:00 p.m.. Exhaustion begs to overwhelm my body into a deep relaxing sleep, but I continue to force myself to remain awake until the moment when I get to drink a luxurious cocktail of olive oil and grapefruit juice. The Epsom salts have now cleaned out my intestines and relaxed my bile ducts … plus the gall bladder and liver have been storing up unneeded bile for several days.

The moment that the olive oil hits my digestive system, the biological signals will jump into full gear.

“Yippee,” the gall bladder and liver will exclaim. “Oil … we have oil … huge quantities of incoming oil! Open the reservoir floodgates and push out all the stored bile that we have. Quickly now! We need to digest this oil spill as efficiently as possible.”

As I hold both my nose and my breath, I am amazed at how easily the olive oil concoction goes down my wide-open mouth and throat. Seconds later I am flat on my back in bed, drifting off to dreamland.

Sunday morning seems to come quite quickly – a positive sign of having slept well. My next two doses of Epsom salts are to be at 7:00 and 9:00 a.m. – creating another round of intestinal cleansing and bile duct relaxation. We have been told that a successful liver cleanse will push out thousands of gall and liver stones – ranging in size from tiny to quite large. I have no idea what to expect, but am eager to quickly push through the final process – pun intended.

I am thrilled as I begin to recognize the success of my efforts. Over the next four hours of frequent bathroom trips, I total up what I conservatively estimate to be several thousand little gall stones. The stones range from one eighth of an inch up to three eighth’s of an inch in diameter – colors varying from bile-green to a light yellowish tan. Most are one quarter of an inch or smaller – but the larger ones are not at all uncommon.

“How could all of these calcified little stones have possibly fit inside my liver and gall bladder?” I ponder with a sense of wonder; but I have no doubts regarding what I am seeing with my own eyes.

One prominent intuitive thought strongly captures my attention as the process nears conclusion.

“Even though today’s process is complete, you are not done yet.” The internal voices quietly whisper. “You are only half done. You are still partially blocked … there are more stones to be released.”

We have been told that after the first round of cleansing, gall stones that are buried further back in the liver will often move forward, taking the place of those in the front that were flushed out. But I am unsure as to whether my intuitive prompting is referring to more physical stones to be cleared, or whether it might instead be referencing emotional blockages that still need to be released.

I mention my intuition to both Sandra and Nadia – telling them that I will probably do another liver cleanse in a few weeks time, just to be sure.

Terrorizing Traumatic Troubles

Time continues to fly by. Bees and gallstones are history, and Monday, November 15^th is already nearly gone as well.

Our Reiki 2 class today was taught by Mark – Nadia’s incredible and complimentary other half. Parallels between my Moon Course attunements continue to peacefully flood my memories as Mark completes an incredible Reiki 2 attunement that leaves me in a state of relaxation and near-bliss.

Then – a short while later – the unexpected happens.

As Sandra looks into my eyes, her smiling facial expression changes slightly as she utters a few words of loving concern.

“Brenda,” Sandra speaks softly. “Have you noticed that there is something growing in your right eye? It is a yellowish-tinted bump growing in the white of your eye between the pupil and the tear duct.”

Sandra goes on to tell me that the growth slightly reminds her of how her father’s eye looked when he discovered that he had a small cataract.

Panic and terrorizing fear begin to tightly squeeze my soul as I flashback into my recent past. For several weeks now, I have noticed that my right eye feels slightly more blurry and tired while reading for extended periods of time. I have simply ignored the sensation, writing it off to a slow progression of the aging process. Gradually I have begun to embrace the possibility that reading glasses might become a necessity sometime in the future.

But now, with this new traumatic thought placed unexpectedly into my mind, I am forced to come face to face with a new round of physical fears.

Momentarily, my memories return to the sheer panic that I felt while I sat and watched as a trusted acquaintance – a Zapotec healer named Delfino – had lovingly inflicted a severe third degree burn on the inner side of my left foot. That tick-removing experience in the remote jungles of Ek Balam, in the north-central Yucatan, had tested the extreme limits of my faith and courage.

As the once-fearful memory floods through the depths of my consciousness, I ponder about the timing and realize that the exact one-year anniversary of this traumatic event is only five days in the future.

I peacefully recall how, what could have been a journey-ending tragedy, instead became an amazing and peaceful lesson in love and trust. Gratitude returns to my soul as I remember how José Manuel, an Olmec Shaman, had later assisted me, uttering those powerful soul-calming words: “Brenda, there is a huge difference between pain and suffering.”

Confusion dances in my mind as I contemplate what I might do now. Is this really a cataract? I refuse to suffer, but do I need to seek medical attention? A slight fear reminds me that I no longer have any medical insurance whatsoever. Do I need to find a qualified eye doctor to diagnose me and to possibly perform an expensive surgery? Or can I trust doctors in Guatemala or Mexico?

Or do I need to treat this as a spiritual process … as an opportunity to heal myself via other alternative emotional and energetic methods?

On the one hand, I have a sense of peaceful confirmation telling me that all is well. On the other, I feel a sense of uneasy concern and near-panic – a fear of needing to figure something out, to do something, to speak to someone, to seek guidance from outside myself.

Another flashback soon consumes my thoughts. I suddenly recall words that Merrill, the local crystal lady, had twice told me. During both of my May and my October sessions, Merrill had said something that I completely ignored. Merrill had mentioned that there was something energetically going on in my right eye – something that might be manifesting in the future. Believing her words to be utter nonsense, I had completely ignored them, refusing to allow such negative thoughts to take up residence in my mind.

An hour later I have my first opportunity to ask questions. Unexpectedly, Dr. Bill – my chiropractor friend who also has a Masters degree in tropical medicine – just happens to stop by The Flower House. A sense of intuition still tells me that one day, perhaps soon, I will be spending a week or two with Bill in the remote jungles of Guatemala, helping him to assist the local indigenous people with their various medical issues.

I approach Bill, express my concerns, and ask him to look in my eye to give me a quick opinion. After a momentarily glance, Bill confirms that what he sees could possibly be a cataract. He casually tells me to put Aloe Vera in my eye and to consider doing some bio-electric zapping.

Panic again begins to grip my soul as Bill then turns away to attend to someone else. He is in a hurry and will be leaving San Marcos in a day or two. I feel momentarily victimized that Bill does not seem more concerned regarding my traumatic situation … that he does not drop everything to fix me and to calm my troubled soul.

A few minutes later, I laugh at my internal sense of trauma and neglect. I still do not know what I will do, but a peaceful knowing in my heart tells me that this is a lesson that I must face on my own. No one else can or will come rushing to my side to fix me from the outside.

Seeing With My Right Eyes

At 3:00 a.m. on Tuesday morning I wake up with a feeling that it is time to meditate regarding my eyes. Soon, a series of intuitive insights begin to anchor themselves in my mind. I have long believed that our bodies subconsciously communicate with us in very symbolic ways.

“Could this be one of those times?” I ask myself with a feeling of genuine introspection.

My heart tells me that the answer to this question is indeed “Yes,” and I begin to search for symbolic relationships that might explain just what could be taking place.

“This potential cataract is on the Inner corner of my Right eye.” I ponder.

“I am not seeing with my Right eyes.” A gentle-but-powerful feeling pushes its way into my heart. “I need to see more clearly with my Inner eyes rather than depending so much on my physical eyes.”

While I continue to experience a pronounced external concern regarding my vision, this morning’s meditation brings a growing sense of peaceful acceptance and inner-vision clarity.

“Yes, the Universe is telling me that the time has come to deepen my inner vision.” I ponder to myself. “I will be OK. As that inner vision deepens, the physical manifestations will eventually heal themselves.”

Solar Plexus Sadness

Meanwhile, back at The Flower House, Nadia’s classes from Tuesday through Friday are focused on learning to work with crystals and on further practicing of Reiki.

Tuesday afternoon I am blessed by the opportunity to receive a powerful Reiki session from Sandra. Her ever-deepening intuitive skills have been astounding me. Repeatedly, during our various practice sessions of the past week, I have watched with awe as Sandra has learned to trust intuitive feelings that pass through her while she is working on others. Today is no exception.

As Sandra places her hands over my right eye, she confirms that she feels strong energy zapping around in my aura field over the right eye. When she places her hands over my left eye to double-check her intuitions, she feels a quiet, peaceful calm. Intuitively, Sandra’s feelings confirm that my own insights regarding my need to see more with my inner vision are indeed accurate.

But it is not Sandra’s intuitions regarding my vision that cause me profound surprise. It is something that she unexpectedly utters while working over my abdomen.

“Brenda,” Sandra whispers quietly, “I am strongly sensing a feeling of deep sadness in your solar plexus.”

If anyone else (except perhaps Merrill) had made this statement I might have experienced strong resistance and doubt – but as I lie on the massage table, a deep sense of internal knowing confirms that Sandra’s loving words are indeed true. I have no idea what buried emotional density might hide behind the sadness, but I can feel the truth of Sandra’s words as they register in my consciousness.

Again I experience a flashback to the time that Merrill had told me that she felt anger and victimization rising from my heart chakra. Less than a week later, Keith had helped me to uncover an amazing release of angry and victimized male energy that had been stuffed away since my mid twenties – locked away in a dark metaphorical room in my heart.

As I ponder these memories, an intuitive whisper tells me that I will again be seeking assistance from Keith to identify and to heal this newly-discovered buried sadness that lies somewhere in the subconscious depths of my third chakra.

Eye Encounters

Two days later, while casually strolling down the main cobblestone path in San Marcos, I happen to bump into Merrill. In a quick exchange of loving words, I mention the situation with my eye, asking if her intuitions can fill in any gaps with what I have already figured out through my own meditations.

Without even a thought, Merrill amazes me when the words simply flow off her tongue as if she had rehearsed them for hours.

“It has to do with resistance.” Merrill begins confidently. “You’re not seeing what is right in front of you.”

If I did not know Merrill as I now do, I would have reacted in a negative way, smugly telling myself that she did not even stop to think before speaking. But today, I sense a peaceful truth in her quickly-uttered words. Yes, overcoming my continual resistance has been a profound part of my journey over the past six months.

I still experience mild-but-deeply-rooted feelings of physical concern regarding my eyesight, but an even more deeply-entrenched spiritual peace increasingly reminds me to trust and to heal myself from the inside out.

As I walk away from my brief encounter with Merrill, I have new insights bouncing around in my head – new food for thought and meditation.

Floating in the Clouds

“Brenda,” Sandra asks with a smile. “Would you like me to do a practice Neuro-Lymphatic massage on you this afternoon?”

“Yes, I would love that …,” I begin to respond before my answer takes an unexpected ninety-degree turn, “but something tells me that I’m probably going to go see Keith instead. Can we keep the offer open until later?”

My words to Sandra slightly surprise me. It has only been a week since my last visit with Keith, and I have plenty of things to do with my Friday afternoon. I would love a free massage – especially from Sandra – and I am not eager to turn down such an offer. But strong intuitions cause me to remain non-committal.

The situation with my eye has caused me to be a little emotionally unsettled this week. Nadia has picked up on my sense of spiritual disconnect, and asks if I would like to be her subject today while she demonstrates how she intuitively puts together a full crystal healing session.

I am not disappointed by what happens next.

For the next hour I lie meditatively on the massage table while Nadia uses her gift of intuition to place grids of crystals all over my body. I am amazed by the energies I feel running throughout my body. Near the end of our session, Nadia removes most of the crystals and replaces them with a series of blue and green ones. A deep feeling of peaceful calm and well-being permeates my soul as the session comes to an all-too-soon conclusion. During this relaxing and energizing session, I have long-since given up trying to pay attention to what Nadia is doing. Instead, I have simply melted into an incredible energetic experience.

During the final hour of our half-day class, I feel as if I am floating in the clouds. I find it quite difficult to even pay attention while Nadia performs a similar treatment on Sharon. I simply want to fly – to feel the amazing peaceful energy that fills my soul.

As we take a short break, Sandra approaches me, takes one look at my face, senses my energy, and proclaims confidently, “Brenda, you ARE going to see Keith today.”

Her words are not a question … there is no need for further debate … both of us intuitively know that her statement is a simple and obvious fact.

Left-Brain Integration

Keith has been quite busy as of late, but even though I have no appointment, a sense of deep confidence pushes me forward.  When I walk up to his porch to announce my intentions, I simply giggle as Keith responds that his afternoon is free, and that right now would be a great time for an impromptu session.

As usual, my several-hour session with Keith is amazing. In his usual style, Keith uses the wisdom of his spiritual guides to coax me through another process of right brain bliss. But this time we do it without needing to disengage the circuit-boards of my left brain in the process. For the first time in my spiritual path, I fully understand that my left brain is not the enemy. In fact, my left brain has never been the enemy. Intellect and logic is, and always has been, my cooperative partner – as much interested in my eternal progress as am I.

Yes, left brain goes about things in a different way, and does not fully understand how the right brain works via symbolism rather than logic, but he is eager and willing to go deeper into a more profound connection with the divine – a connection that will benefit us all. He simply wants to be loved, validated, and integrated. It is left brain’s feeling of being rejected that causes him to resist with internal battles and chaos.

As Keith guides me into the metaphorical realm of my solar plexus, I discover a suppressed layer of child-like joy, buried beneath the cover of fuddy-duddy adult responsibility. My innocence and playfulness are chained up, and searched-for inner freedoms are still mired in a mud-filled box of teenage pain.

As I identify this long-forgotten and unresolved teenage emotional density, a small burst of tears finds its way to the surface. But most of the newly-discovered energy seems to simply rise into my heart chakra and melt away into nothingness. Today is not the day, but I will soon learn that a great reservoir of this teenage emotion yet remains, still waiting for further release.

 Passion-Suppressing Choices

 Throughout this week I have begun to experience inexplicable feelings of emotional disconnect.

Unexpressed desires bubble deep in my soul – deep desires begging me to find the time to write – desires craving the opportunity to communicate with friends and family back home.

Yet for two weeks now, I have not written a single blog entry. Facebook comments have been a rare afterthought. Sending and/or responding to emails seems to have become an emotional burden, and my two attempts at Skype have left me lacking in emotional connection.

I feel slightly trapped by circumstances, even almost depressed by the lack of viable expressive options. I am extremely busy, and my internet connection is sporadic and often quite unreliable. Daytime hours are consumed by Nadia’s course, occasional visits with Keith, and weekend social commitments. In the evenings, Sandra and I are often so tired that we simply giggle at each other and ask, “What movie do you want to watch tonight?” Attempting anything else would probably be a waste of time.

It seems that the only way I could possibly find time to write would be to either withdraw from select portions of Nadia’s course, or to completely ignore my friends during the little free time that I do have at night or on weekends. Neither of those options seems desirable – neither one brings peace to my heart.

I feel a deep intuitive guidance to spend as much quality time as possible with my dear friend Sandra. In fact, for more than a week now, I have experienced a strong sense of inner knowing telling me that there is something powerful that Sandra and I need to do together before she returns to Australia at the end of this month. I do not want to squander one single opportunity to spend time together with my dear friend.

So what do I do?

I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

If I follow my heart’s desire to write and to communicate with loved ones back home, then I will have to sacrifice many of my opportunities for additional personal growth right here in San Marcos. My intuitions are simply not guiding me in this direction. Something deep inside tells me that such local opportunities are an important part of my path.

However, if I fully immerse myself in the incredible present-moment opportunities available here in San Marcos, I feel as if I am sacrificing the passions of my heart. The feeling of being temporarily trapped gradually sinks it invisible claws into my soul.

No matter which way I decide, it seems that a part of me loses. As I ponder the deep dilemma, a sense of intuitive peace assures me that all is well – that I just need to be patient – that I am passing through some powerful growth lessons through which I must first pass before I can return to the passions of my heart.

“In another week or two,” my heart tells me, “I will have ample freedom and time to re-balance my life – to bring a little structure and order to my feeling of out-of-control chaos.”

“Trust me,” the intuitions peacefully communicate. “As soon as Sandra goes home, and immediately after Nadia’s course is complete, you will have ample time to write and to reconnect with your dear loved ones.”

Yes, my heart feels suppressed, but it acts as if it knows what it is doing. In just a little over a week I will have all the time in the world.

Unbeknownst to me, and in very subtle ways, my heart-felt passions are gradually beginning to fall asleep.

Always There

Flashing back to the present, as I write these final words, it is now Saturday evening, December 11, 2010. This morning, as I fiddled with my IPOD while pondering today’s upcoming writing marathon, I stumbled upon a song to which I had never before listened.

As I lost myself in the beautiful words, tears of joyful emotional release began to flow down my cheeks. The powerful words stirred deeply suppressed passions – reconnecting me with a profound sense of trust in the ever-presence of my Divine Source.

Intuitively, I knew that this beautiful song would somehow magically tie into today’s writing – but just how that would happen has only recently revealed itself.

As I began to write about my downward emotional spiral – the feelings of gradual and unconscious disconnect from my passions – I recognized that the emotions stirred by this beautiful song are one and the same. The words and music skillfully remind me that I am always connected and never alone – that my Divine Source is always there for me, simply waiting for me to come to my senses and to reconnect with what I have never lost.

This beautiful song, titled “Always There”, is performed by a group called Secret Garden, with a guest soloist named Russell Watson. The song is from the album “Earthsongs,” originally released in 2005.

Following are the words to this beautiful song. If you would like to listen along, I found a version on YouTube at this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGBaXPyABvs

Always There
Sung by: Russell Watson
Written by: Rolf Lovland and Brendan Graham

When I’m less than I should be
And I just can’t face the day
When darkness falls around me
And I just can’t find my way

When my eyes don’t clearly see
And I stumble through it all
You, I lean upon, you keep me strong
And you rise me when I fall

You are there when I most need you
You are there so constantly
You come shining through, you always do
You are always there for me

When life brings me to my knees
When my backs against the wall
You are standing there right with me
Just to keep me standing tall

Though a burden I may be
You don’t weary, you don’t rest
You are reaching out to carry me
And I know I’m heaven blessed

You are there when I most need you
You are there so constantly
You come shining through, you always do
You are always there for me

[ … final repeating words omitted … ]

On Friday, November 19, as I strolled home from an amazing session with Keith, I was spiritually energized and alive with the feeling of powerful growth through which I was passing. However, I was at the same time beginning to struggle with the hopeless feeling of having no way to express my joyful passions to the world.

Tonight, as I hit the publish button on this, my next blog entry, that feeling of hopelessness has been replaced with divine joy.

This beautiful song by Secret Garden, reminding me that my Divine Source is “Always There” is a beautiful reminder – a beacon to push me back into a state of knowing that access to my passions is never further away than a genuine heart and a willingness to push the play button on my IPOD.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

(This is the second installment of a series of posts describing my experiences in San Marcos, Guatemala from November 7^th up to the present time. Subsequent posts will follow very soon.)

Peace and calm presence vibrate through my soul. My eyes are closed, but I can occasionally feel the warm touch of Nadia’s hands as she gently places her fingers in my palms or on my third eye. I can feel the quiet tingling energy running up and down my spine. The faint image of a large eye fades in and out of my visualization as swirls of violet and orange dazzle my imagination.

Minutes later, I discuss today’s Reiki 1 attunement experience with Nadia. She excitedly tells me that the ancient Mayan spirits often communicate via the symbolism of eyes. “Hmmm” I think to myself as I remember my first powerful energy experience nearly three years ago – an impromptu 3:00 a.m. meditation where a pair of eyes appeared in a black star-filled sky, simultaneously accompanied by a powerful rush of Kundalini energy in my spine. “Could it be?”

I am not preoccupied with the thought – I simply bask in the glow of peace as I joyfully reminisce back to my first Reiki 1 initiation – one given to me by my friend Sam during the Moon Course last May. That joyful memory feels like a lifetime ago. Back then, I had no desire to ever use Reiki – I had no idea why I even felt an inner desire to be initiated – but I intuitively knew in my heart that receiving the Reiki attunements was an important step in my path.

Today, Monday Nov 8, 2010, I have a completely different intuition. “I don’t know in what way,” I think silently to myself, “but Reiki and other types of intuitive energy work will definitely be a part of my future.”

I am half way through Nadia’s holistic healing class – loving every minute of the experience. I giggle as I remember my staunch resistance just five weeks ago. So far I have learned basic routines for Neuro-Lymphatic massage, Reflexology, Shiatsu Massage, and Auricular (ear points) therapy. While I am still not sure if I will ever incorporate such therapies into my exterior life, a deep sense of internal knowing reminds me that I have consistently been doing things that I never ever imagined could or would be a part of my path.

“Brenda, lower your defenses and keep your mind open,” I silently remind myself.

Tummy Bliss

How do you define awkward? Well for me, one way would be the idea of performing a deep therapeutic massage on someone’s tummy.

Beginning on Tuesday, and lasting for the remainder of the week, that is exactly what we begin to learn in class – a practice called Chi Nei Tsung. I quickly learn that Chi Nei Tsung is a form of massage designed to energize and assist the many digestive organs of our body – beginning with the large intestines and their two main valves, continuing with the small intestines, and then focusing on the liver, gall bladder, stomach, pancreas, spleen, and psoas muscles.

As Nadia performs a full massage on my intestinal area, I am quite eager to see how the treatment helps me with my own digestive dilemmas. I feel as if I have been partially blocked for a very long time. Pressing on my intestines has long revealed a tender-to-the-touch hardness. “Could a simple massage help relieve the blockages?” I ask myself.

As Nadia finishes her treatment on me, deep relaxation permeates my whole body. My abdomen feels amazingly tranquil – almost blissful. I quickly commit to myself that I will learn the massage techniques well – that on a periodic as-needed basis, I will perform them on myself to promote my own well-being.

I giggle the next morning when I step into the shower. As I look down at my belly button, the little “inny” is surrounded by swollen red skin rashes for a couple of inches in all directions. Nadia had taught us that abdominal toxicity, when released, often manifests itself as red blotchy skin around the belly button.

“Wow,” I think to myself. “The tummy massage really did release a lot of toxins.”

The toxic redness is so pronounced that it does not fully disappear for another 24 hours.

As we practice on each other in class, I quickly overcome my awkward feelings. I realize that I have absolutely no qualms about letting someone else work on my own abdomen – in fact I appreciate and enjoy having the work done. This awareness allows me to recognize that any clients or friends who request such a massage would likely feel the same way.

While I am still unsure as to whether I will ever be a hands-on body healer, I am thrilled to have a much greater understanding of my own physical wonder. It is actually quite fun to know where each of my major organs is located.

“Empowerment” would be a great word to describe how I feel when I think about the increased awareness regarding my own health.

Bee Consciousness

Thursday evening, as Sandra and I are enjoying an after-dinner chat, she casually mentions her confused surprise at having earlier discovered four or five bees buzzing around in our apartment during lunch time.

We both brush the occurrence off as a fun and interesting story. Neither of us has even the slightest clue as to the adventure into which we are about to be immersed.

An hour or two later, long after cool darkness has consumed the surrounding neighborhood, Sandra and I are quite surprised to observe Keith walking up to our front door. With pronounced excitement, one of the first things he shares with us is his enthusiasm about having seen a large swarm of bees gathering in a tree along the road between his home and the center of town.

Keith eagerly tells us that bee swarms are one of the symbolisms relating to the movement of Christ Consciousness in the earth. It is obvious that Keith is deeply energized by his “bee” sighting. Electricity fills the air as he continues to share the wonder of his experience. Sandra and I grow equally excited as we listen to Keith’s animated and mesmerizing story.

Later, as I perform a little internet research of my own, I find a small web site that further elaborates, stating that “Bee Consciousness” is the consciousness of love, and that the “Queen Bee” is the holder of the Christ Consciousness and sacred love embedded within the earth.

But I don’t need such outside research to confirm what I feel inside as Keith shares his magical story. Deep inner peace vibrates within my soul as I energetically recognize the symbolic connections in my own life.

Could it be that increased Christ Consciousness is on the move?

Early Friday morning, I take note of the fact that a few honey bees are flying around in my bedroom. It seems quite strange that the little buzzers would still be here, especially so close to sunrise. Our windows and shutters are not air-tight, so there are plenty of openings where the little honey-makers could have easily escaped – allowing them to return to their hive.

Then, as I step out into the living room/kitchen area, I am quite surprised to observe at least six more of the little winged-wonders exploring the large tree-trunk-like wooden beams of the ceiling area.

“Why are they hanging out around here?” I begin to question with curious awe. “What could all of this mean? What are these bees trying to communicate?”

I briefly step out to a small store just up the path and around the corner. When I return, my arms are full with a heavy five-gallon water bottle as I pass under the closed shutters of my second-story bedroom window. With a quick intuitive upward glance, I notice that a small group of bees seem to be flying around just outside my bedroom window.

“What’s with all of this bee attention?” I again ponder with fascination. I begin to suspect that a swarm may have established a nearby hive, possibly in the roof – but the thought quickly fades as I scurry about the process of making a quick bowl of oatmeal topped with honey and fresh papaya.

Shortly before 9:00 a.m., as I again walk down the steps on my way to my final Chi Nei Tsung class at Nadia’s, I bump into Miguel – a sweet young Mayan man who is the  caretaker for our property. Getting his attention, I casually point toward my window shutters high above the path. I giggle as we both observe the continued flurry of bee activity around my window.

Left Brain Disconnect

Friday afternoon, after completing a short half-day class at Nadia’s, I set my sights on another passionate quest. Too much time has passed since my last private session with Keith. Strong internal guidance tells me that today will be the day in which I remedy that situation.

For several days now, I have intuitively felt an internal longing telling me that now is the time to explore the possibilities of a deeper right brain experience. All the talk about bees and an expansion of Christ Consciousness has only served to heighten my desires to pursue a more profound oneness connection with the divine.

As usual, my session with Keith is quite different and unique. After trying several methods of guided meditations that seem to be taking me nowhere fast, Keith suggests that we try something else – something that his guides are showing him might work with me.

As I close my eyes and make my usual intuitive connections with Higher Self, Keith instructs me to imagine that my left and right brains are like large computers, each controlling certain functions of my consciousness.

“Brenda,” Keith begins to guide me, “I want you to ask your Higher Self to assist you by unplugging one of the circuit boards in your left brain’s computer.”

When Keith asks how I am doing, I inform him that I feel no difference whatsoever. Keith surprises me by telling me that this is exactly the answer that he was looking for.

“The fact that nothing happened, and that everything still feels perfectly normal, will help your rational mind have the courage and trust to continue with this experiment.” Keith tells me with confidence.

Keith’s display of self-assurance is exactly what I need to get out of my head – to stop resisting what seems to be a silly imaginary process.

“Go back into meditation,” Keith continues, “and ask your Higher Self to pull some more of those left-brain circuit boards.”

Again, I do as Keith instructs. I visualize a constant stream of circuit boards being disengaged from my left brain, one after another after another. I cannot actually see the process with my inner eyes, but I can imagine and feel it happening just the same. At first I sense no difference whatsoever. Keith continues to guide me into pulling more and more boards.

Finally, after what seems like a very long time, I unexpectedly reach a deeply peaceful state in which I feel as if I am simply drifting through outer space. A sense of budding oneness with the Universe brushes against my heart, but I am also fully aware that I continue to feel quite separate. Nevertheless, I do recognize my experience as a deep sensation of connection and participation with all that is.

I describe to Keith that I feel as if I am occasionally being sucked through twisting wormholes, after which I drift by clusters of various nebulas and expansive multi-colored star formations. While my visualization remains quite faint, I actually do see myself floating around, sometimes drifting quite slowly, other times feeling quickly pulled from one place to another.

“Brenda,” Keith interjects, “I just wanted to let you know that your Higher Self has put all of your left-brain circuit boards back in place. Can you feel the difference?”

Surprise fills my awareness as Keith utters those unexpected words. No, I cannot feel any difference whatsoever. What Keith has successfully done is to show me that my left brain can remain fully engaged while allowing me to continue enjoying such a deep right-brain experience.

As I walk home later on that magical afternoon, I am thrilled by the progress that I seem to be making.  A feeling of joyful confidence reassures me that perhaps the type of divine connection I seek may be closer than I could possibly imagine. On the other hand, I am peacefully aware that I need not concern myself with such thoughts. All I need to do is to trust and remain present, one precious moment at a time.

Bee Discoveries

Friday evening, the influx of bees is slightly more pronounced. As many as eight to ten of the little love messengers continue to fly around the living room at any given time. Later, I note that several of them are fascinated by the glowing light bulb in my bedroom as I prepare to climb under my warm covers. A few are even rock-climbing on the off-white concrete wall, directly above my fluffy pillow. Peaceful curiosity settles into my tired mind as I drift off to dreamland – joyfully focusing on this afternoon’s amazing right-brain journey.

Saturday morning, as Sandra and I make preparations to take a little trip to Panajachel, I am quite perplexed by the constantly increasing bee traffic – traffic that is now becoming quite pronounced. Even more bees are buzzing around wildly, bumping repeatedly into the 60 watt light bulb above my twin bed.

“Check your window,” a little Jedi voice whispers silently in my inner ear.

I don’t know why this obvious thought had never crossed my mind before this moment.

One of the things that I love about my apartment is the large windows. The window opening in my bedroom is perhaps five feet wide and four feet tall. On the inside are two large sliding glass panes encased in wooden frames. Covering the exterior, large wooden shutters open outward.

When the shutters are opened wide, fresh air and sunlight are free to penetrate my small ten-foot-square bedroom. When closed, the room is quite dark – but in typical Guatemalan style, the window is anything but air-tight. Little gaps around the edges provide ample space for bits of light and airborne critters to come and go as they please.

Following my intuition, I approach my window for the first time in several days, focusing my gaze on the six inches of dead space between the window panes and the currently-closed shutters. After my eyes adjust to the dimness, I begin to giggle as I recognize a large, almost volleyball-size swarm of bees clustered in the upper middle of the window cavity.

“Sandra,” I exclaim with joyful giggles, “come and see what I found.”

Bee Gone

Because I worked with a professional bee keeper for two summers during my last two years of high school, I have absolutely no fear of these little mystical wonders. But I do realize that letting them live where they are would be totally impractical.

“What to do?” I ask myself, thinking about how I might take matters into my own hand.

The bees are thickly clustered in an oblong ball right at the upper middle of the window cavity. There is no way to move any of the windows or shutters without directly agitating their home. Yet a calm peaceful feeling gives me the courage to begin.

Instinctively, I grab a stick of copal incense and light the end, causing a small stream of smoke to float upward. Holding the incense near the base of the crack between the two sliding windows, I wait patiently while the window cavity begins to fill with smoke. But much of the smoke leaks out through the shutters.

When not much happens, I carefully slide the left window pane about one foot to the right. The bees begin to move around, but do not seem particularly agitated. Continuing to feel quite peaceful, I carefully reach into the bottom of the window cavity, release the shutter latch, and slowly push the shutters outward. The majority of the bees stay exactly where they already are, seemingly determined to ignore my attempts to stimulate their flight.

Holding the smoking incense stick directly below the buzzing flurry of activity, I watch as many of the bees begin to scatter. Shock would be an appropriate word to describe my response when I realize that these little construction engineers have already built a section of honey comb, perhaps six inches tall and four inches across. It seems that these little migrant worker bees have literally staked out a new homestead, having been here for some time, and having plans to stay much longer than I had imagined.

At this point I realize that my tiny efforts will not be having any type of long-term effect. Sandra decides to take action into her own hands as she heads downstairs to look for Claudio, our landlord – a very sweet and soft-spoken gentleman from Italy.

Five minutes later, Claudio appears at our door holding a can of bug spray.

“NOOOoooooo,” Sandra calls out with passion as she races to the doorway. “We don’t want to kill them … we just want you to help us get them to leave. Please, please, don’t kill them.”

Claudio honors Sandra’s passionate plea for mercy and disappears back down the stairs to regroup. Minutes later, Miguel shows up with a bucket filled with ripped up newspaper that is covered with large green leaves. Miguel lights the paper and tries to keep the flames in check while pushing the smoking leaves up toward the bees. The bees move from here to there, but mostly remain within the confines of the window. They simply do not want to leave their new home. The window enclosure is dark, private, and has ample space in which to build new honeycomb. Why would the bees want to leave?

Miguel gives up and disappears momentarily to go find Claudio. Meanwhile, Sandra and I simply stand by the window giggling at each other. Suddenly I feel a slight pinch on my left forearm. Looking down, I notice a single lone bee with his tail stuck lightly under my skin. The poor little guy is trying to fly away but his stinger is keeping him anchored to my body. With a smile on my face and compassion in my heart, I gently brush him away, knowing that the act of stinging me has already sealed his fate. Using my right hand, I carefully check my skin to make sure the stinger is not still lodged.

Rather than feeling upset by my solitary bee sting, I actually feel quite honored. I remember Keith’s words regarding the “Christ Consciousness.” My memories also flash back to an experience during the Sun Course where Sandra received her first-ever bee sting. She had seen her own sting as a spiritual experience and that is exactly what I intend to do as well. I will see it as spiritual symbolism, giving me the message that an increase in my spiritual consciousness is on the way.

What happens next is almost comical. Claudio returns holding a broom. I giggle and retreat back by the bedroom door. I have no idea what Claudio is planning, but I instinctively know that I want to make a quick getaway should his actions begin to backfire. In a display of macho courage, Claudio opens the window half way and boldly uses the brush end to dislodge the honey comb, causing it to fall to the cobblestone path about twelve feet below. Bees begin to fly everywhere, but still do not seem excessively inclined to sting anyone.

I run downstairs to warn passers-by to beware as I continue to watch the unfolding scene from below. By now, Claudio is frantically swatting at the bees, trying to get them to leave, but all they do is swirl around in wild circles. Claudio continues to duck and swat at the bees, but still receives no stings. I am amazed by his blind and almost-furious determination.

Finally, Claudio gives up in frustration, realizing that he too is incapable of vanquishing these persistent homesteaders. As Claudio disappears out the front door, Sandra and I regroup in the bedroom near my wide-open window. The poor frightened bees have now formed two smaller clusters, one in each of the upper two corners of my window box. Large swarms are buzzing around frantically – scared and agitated by the life-threatening trauma through which they have just passed.

Reiki to the Rescue

Sandra and I look at the wild frantic bees. We both intuitively sense their feelings of sheer terror and panic.

“Let’s try sending them Reiki energy to help calm them down.” Sandra suggests with deep compassion in her voice.

Seconds later, the two of us are sitting on my bed, perhaps three feet from the window, holding our hands outstretched in loving meditation. With unconditional love in our hearts, we focus on the bees, sending them loving, peaceful, calming, gentle, and relaxing energy.

To my amazement, the bees gradually begin to quiet and relax. Ten minutes later, they have completely stopped their wild and frantic flight patterns. Instead, they have regrouped in the upper right corner of the window, again forming a small ball about the size of a grapefruit.

Bee Keeper Rescues

Within about fifteen more minutes, Claudio returns with an older Mayan man – a man who seems to have considerable experience in working with bee swarms. Showing no fear, the indigenous man casually pours some type of liquid on an old dirty rag and begins wiping the areas where the bees are congregating – gently pushing them away while rubbing the smelly compound all over the wood where they have just been resting.

The bees quickly leave the window itself, but instead begin to form a new cluster on the outer edges of the shutter, just outside the reach from where the Mayan gentleman is able to gently swat his rag.

“These are some determined and smart bees.” I think to myself as I again watch the scene from below.

It takes nearly another thirty minutes to complete the bee exorcism; but at last the remaining homesteaders give up and fly away to join the others who have now regrouped in the branches of a nearby tree.

Bee Possibilities

Sandra and I quickly return to joyful giggling as we begin to speculate regarding the possible symbolism of our powerful morning adventure.

My mind dances with the music of amazing synchronicities.

What are the chances that Keith would just happen to observe a swarm of bees on Thursday afternoon?

What are the chances that Keith would then feel an internal need to come over later that evening to share his experience with Sandra and I – also letting us know that some people believe that bee swarms represent the movement of Christ Consciousness.

What are the chances that Sandra would begin observing bees in our apartment at noon on exactly the same day – especially since both of us rarely go home during our lunch breaks?

What are the chances that the bees would continue to fly around in our apartment for two full evenings before we discovered that they had most likely been living in my window since Thursday morning?

What are the chances that all of these synchronicities would begin on the day before my right-brain consciousness experience with Keith, and that they would come to a conclusion on the morning after?

I cannot answer any of the above questions, nor could I prove in any way that any of these synchronicities were any more than just pure random acts of chance.

But a little candle in my heart glows warmly, telling me that answers and proof are not necessary. I feel the message loud and clear. The Universe is gently playing with me, letting me know that I am being carefully and joyfully guided – that I need not worry nor concern myself with the future – that my shifts in higher consciousness are in the works and that they will happen with perfect timing, exactly when the time is right.

Bees From the Past

Four weeks after the fact, as I begin to wrap up my words regarding this bee-utiful experience, I unexpectedly find my intuitive thoughts being whisked back to an energizing memory that occurred almost exactly nine months ago. It was the end of a magical Saturday in the tiny Mayan village of Santa Elena situated in the mountains of southwestern Belize. Earlier that morning I had met a man who told me about a flock of Toucan birds that were eating berries up on his cacao farm.

“If you come to my home this afternoon,” Mathias had told me, “I will have my children take you back to my farm to see if the Toucans are still there.”

That magical Saturday was my first exposure to the growing and harvesting of cacao. In the morning, just before meeting Mathias, I had spent time with a young Mayan girl named Brenda, watching in fascination as she spread her wet cacao seeds out on a concrete slab to dry in the hot sun. Then, later that same afternoon, I spent several hours with three of Mathias’s children, walking around the cacao trees on his farm, cutting open the seed pods, sampling the fruit and tasting the seeds – simply having a great time.

As we returned from the farm, arriving back at Mathias’s home, the children and I were quite surprised to be greeted by a large swarm of bees hanging out peacefully in the low branches of a small tree situated just thirty feet from Mathias’s front door. After taking several pictures of the energetic swarm, I had hung out with the bees for several minutes before returning to my guest-house room in preparation for dinner.

A strong sense of internal “knowing” suddenly tells me that my experiences in Belize on March 6 are intimately connected with the experiences about which I have been writing today.

Cacao was in integral part of that special day in Belize; and Keith – my favorite cacao expert – was an integral player in the unfolding events here in Guatemala. The only two bee swarms that I have seen in my entire life were both synchronously connected with cacao.

Could it be that the swarm of bees in Belize was actually a profound spiritual message – a message orchestrated in the past and sent nine months into the future – a message telling me that my raising of consciousness will be intimately connected both to cacao and to the amazing chocolate shaman who has already guided me through so much powerful and unimaginable growth?

As this question leaves my fingertips, the powerful vibrations running up and down my spine are enough of a confirmation for me. I am so intimately grateful for spiritual synchronicities – for the intuitions that continue to guide me in so many ways.

And all I need do is to “bee” – to bee present – to bee joyful – to bee in my heart – and to simply pay attention to the experiences in “bee-ing” that continue to constantly unfold all around me.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

 
(This is the first installment of a series of posts describing my experiences in San Marcos, Guatemala from November 7^th up to the present time. Subsequent posts will follow very soon.)

I want to slap Keith as a deep sense of internal rebellion yearns to burst forth.

“How dare he tell me those things!” I ponder to myself. “I feel as if he is invalidating my entire journey.”

If it wasn’t for the fact that I trust Keith with my life, I might have jumped to my feet right then and there, simply stomping away in disgust, feeling quite smug that Keith doesn’t have the slightest clue regarding what he is talking about. But instead, a small internal nudge quietly urges me to maintain an open mind – to seek clarification and further discussion.

“What does God want you to do?” Keith asks me again for the third or fourth time.

His question is really starting to annoy me.

“God wants me to listen to my internal guides.” I respond with determination. “He wants me to do what I am supposed to do. He wants me to pay attention to my intuitions. He wants me to uncover my emotional densities and to heal them. He wants me to face my fears and transmute them into love. He wants me to grow ….”

“No,” Keith lovingly but firmly interrupts. “God wants you to do what YOU want to do.”

“Now tell me again,” Keith continues. “What does God want you to do?”

A towering wall of resistance again surges in my soul. Even though Keith is sitting more than four feet away, I feel as if he is right in my face, being uncharacteristically pushy. Feeling confronted and attacked, I sense that Keith is telling me to follow an egotistical burst of self-gratification. I cannot and will not allow myself to embrace that approach.

Much of my inner journey has been about exactly the opposite – about surrendering to strong inner guidance. Yes, that guidance has taken me right through the middle of daunting and fearful growth lessons. Yes, those internal voices have caused me to allow unwanted chaos to slip its slimy fingers into my life – but facing that chaos has brought profound growth for which I am eternally grateful.

“Can you please clarify?” I ask through muffled tears. “I feel as if what you are saying is literally invalidating everything that I have gone through over the past five weeks – and I absolutely know that I was inspired and guided every step of the way. While my last five weeks have been difficult, they have also been amazing and perfect.”

I am quite proud of the fact that I feel comfortable in opening my mouth to speak my own truth. The “old me” would have been so fearful of potential confrontation with a friend that I might simply have walked away with a wounded spirit. The “new me,” being empowered with unconditional love, is fully confident that a loving understanding can be attained.

I want to project my resistance outward, declaring that Keith is the one who needs to shift his own distorted beliefs, but a little voice inside whispers that perhaps I need to first examine my own heart to take another peek.

Keith begins to speak again. His words open up a gentle window into my defensive heart.

“Yes Brenda.” Keith responds tenderly. “Your journey over these last five weeks has been powerful and perfect. Everything you went through is exactly what you needed to do in order to get you to where you are right now, staring right in the face of this next powerful growth lesson.”

Keith then gently continues his line of questioning. “Brenda. If you were to look inside of your heart, what is it that YOU want to do right now? What would bring joy and peace into your life?”

My icy resistance melts to a watery mush, deep emotion swells in my heart, and my eyes start to cloud with thick tears as a powerful heartfelt response begins to work its way toward the tip of my tongue.

“What I desperately want,” I exclaim with intense emotional power, “is to isolate myself for a week or two. I want all of the distractions out of my way. I just want to write and write and write and write and write.”

Tears stream down my cheeks and my voice shakes as I continue. “And I don’t want to simply write in a compromised journal-like style. I want to write with my old passionate style – the kind of writing where I am immersed in the passion for long hours – where I forget to eat – where I want to get up early and to stay up late. I want to put everything else on hold until my heart has had the opportunity to fully express itself.”

Joy and passion rush through my heart as I ponder the significance of the words that I have just uttered.

As my feet hit the pavement during my ten minute walk back into the center of San Marcos, the skies begin to fade beneath the magical orange glow of puffy drifting clouds. The sun has nearly vanished behind the nearby San Pedro volcano. The cool and crisp evening air feels invigorating and refreshing.

My long session today with Keith was a difficult one – a session in which I had battled feelings of internal chaos. In my trip down today’s rabbit hole, I had gotten lost in the trauma-drama illusion of this physical world. But now, I feel deep peace and renewed energy. A second wind seems to be lightly pushing me forward, giving me new hope.

My Wednesday evening is anything but calm and relaxed, but those details will come much later in the story. Those details are the result of an intense healing journey – a tear-filled-yet-joyful healing journey that has continued nearly nonstop since the first week in November. So many amazing events have come and gone.

Just yesterday I had reached a reluctant and unpleasant compromise. Because of the fact that my life continues to be so busy and unpredictable, I had decided that I would simply return to cranking out journal entries in a desperate, yet depressing attempt to simply “catch up” on my writing.

Now, as December 8, 2010 rapidly enters the history books, passion is again flowing through my veins – a joyful passion proclaiming that I am about to write like I have never written before.

Passions of the Heart

It is not until Thursday that I have an opportunity to review Wednesday afternoon’s growth during a short follow-up discussion with Keith, my favorite Chocolate Shaman.

I giggle as I tell him how angry I was when he uttered what I had perceived as shallow, in-my-face words. Then I express my deepest gratitude to him for having had the courage to come on so strongly in what turned out to be the perfect moment.

A few minutes later, Keith explains his strategy, pointing out how, for a couple of weeks now, he has silently observed as I continue to suppress my passion to return to writing – a passion that I know has been building up pressure like hot molten lava in a sleeping volcano that is about to explode.

Repeatedly he has watched as I follow intuitions that seemingly guide me further and further away from my passion, causing me to slowly shrivel inside. Over and over, Keith had resisted the temptation to say something, patiently waiting for his own intuitive guidance regarding the proper timing. Yesterday, his guidance told him it was time to throw in an earthquake to get the volcano moving. And yes, his guides had assured him that I was strong enough and ready to deal with those reality-shaking words.

“Brenda,” Keith lovingly explains, “your intuitions were starting to be distorted.”

Again I begin to resist Keith’s choice of words. The word “distorted” triggers an emotional reaction. It is only after a few minutes of additional verbal exploration that the light bulbs of understanding begin flashing brightly in my head and heart.

Yes, everything that I have been through during these five weeks has been a catalyst for powerful and meaningful growth. And yes, the way my lessons unfolded was perfect. But indeed, in the midst of all the seeming chaos, I had begun to make spiritual decisions based on old buried belief systems. I was literally beginning to sacrifice my own divine passions in an attempt to do what felt more like spiritual obligations. In the name of “doing what I was supposed to be doing”, I had lost hope – hope of being able to access the joy that lied buried beneath my inner passions to write.

Yes, the path I was on would have taught me many more additional lessons, but the journey would not have been nearly as fun as the one that I am now choosing. Deep intuition tells me that rafting down this new-but-familiar river of joy will be much more fun – and that the trip to my ocean source will end up being even deeper and more meaningful than I can possibly imagine.

In the preceding growth-filled weeks, I had begun to fall asleep – to forget that God wants me to be joyful – that growth is supposed to be fun – that the true intuitions of my heart lie in the passions that pulse wildly in my veins.

It is now time to release those bottled up passions.

I didn’t fully realize it at the time, but during these past five weeks I was already riding the rapids of my joy-filled river. I was simply taking it all a little too seriously – focusing too much on the obstacles in my path while forgetting to stop and play – neglecting my own passions in the process.

Starting tomorrow, I will begin the process of capturing my wild river journey through the colorful brush strokes of written words – describing the metaphorical whitewater, the beautiful canyons, the incredible scenery, and the occasional waterfalls – all of which have implanted themselves deeply in my heart during an amazing five week run through the rapids of one of the most growth-filled rivers I have ever encountered.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

 
For unknown reasons, intuitions have been guiding me to isolate myself from the world outside of San Marcos. Internal guidance has strongly whispered “Be present in each moment …  don’t try to write just yet … don’t attempt to communicate much with outside friends and family … just allow and experience the constant winds of growth … there will be plenty of time for writing when everything settles.”

Such winds of growth have varied greatly, ranging from gentle breezes to turbulent unexpected and unwanted storms.

My time with Nadia’s holistic healing course is rapidly approaching conclusion. I am still exploring the wonder of inner light body meditations while contemplating one more week of study and practice to integrate left brain knowledge with right brain passions.

I have spiritually played during several more sessions with Keith – energy-filled life-changing cacao sessions that have stirred up the muddy waters of deeply buried emotions from teenage and childhood years.

I have experienced powerful healing and growth with Sandra and Sharon – some of it being painful gut-wrenching emotional growth that caused me to want to simply throw up my hands and run away – but I didn’t run. Instead I triumphed to new levels of joy, love, and self-acceptance.

Seemingly magical events have graced my life – the most powerful being a swarm of migrating honey bees that decided to use my bedroom window as their new home – a synchronistic and symbolic act that still has be mesmerized. Even though the swarm is long gone, another lone bee chose to spend last night buzzing on the wall just above my head.

And through it all I simply pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming … but then I remind myself that all of this really is just an amazing dream.

I am still the same person … or am I?

My heart and soul are the same, but I am constantly healing and shifting my projected reality.

Another week will likely pass before the written words will again begin to flow. This week I am doubling up – beginning Keith’s classes every afternoon while finishing up the final details of my studies with Nadia. Sandra is flying home to Australia tomorrow morning, and Sharon will be immediately moving into my spare bedroom for a week or so.

I continue taking notes regarding my mystical adventures and have promised myself that I will soon indulge in a burst of passionate writing to catch up – but not quite yet.

I look forward with great anticipation to the changing events of this coming week – my first week of daily inner journeys with Keith. Who knows how much additional growth through which I might pass over the next few days.

I will resume writing again very soon. Until then, I will simply continue basking in the warm glow of magic.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Early this week, Sandra followed a spur-of-the-moment intuition by bringing home something totally unexpected – a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle of a beautiful orange and black spotted jaguar in a lush jungle setting. After my initial giggles of surprise, the two of us began eagerly sorting through the pieces in the box. The surprise challenge seemed to be a great diversion from normal activities. Sandra and I enjoyed animated conversation as we eagerly worked together during that first evening.

I had every intention of using self-control and moderation, but soon found myself mysteriously addicted to the tedious endeavor. After staying up by myself late on that first night, I found myself back in front of the maze of tiny pieces at dawn’s first light – having only gotten about six unsatisfying hours of broken sleep.

For the next few days I tiredly obsessed with the puzzle. Had it not been for my classes with Nadia from 9 to 5, I might have sat in front of the living room table all day long. Outside of class time, most of my waking hours were tediously consumed by sorting through hundreds of pieces while attempting to distinguish colors and shapes under the dim glow of our living room lights.

Each time Sandra walked by my camping spot on the living room sofa-bed, I jokingly implored her to drag me away from the puzzle.

“Sandra, please rescue me!” I begged. “Stop me from this insane endeavor! Help me! Pull me away from here! Please, please take the puzzle back to where it came from!”

Sandra simply giggled and told me that she now knew why she had been prompted to bring the puzzle home. For some reason, Sandra had not felt the slightest desire to work on the puzzle herself ever since that first evening. As I slaved over the puzzle all by myself, I gradually began to realize that I was on my way toward experiencing new growth.

By Thursday morning my head was overflowing with constant images of puzzle pieces. Every time I attempted to meditate, my visualization flooded with countless tiny interconnecting images. I literally could not close my eyes without seeing random puzzle images. They were everywhere, seemingly never-ending, spilling over in every corner of my mind.

Friday, as I pondered during class breaks at the Flower House, I suddenly realized that the time for writing was upon me – and my strange obsession over this jaguar puzzle would be the central theme of my words.

But puzzles are not the only growth lesson of my week.

Parading Parasites

In early October, as I responded to unexpectedly guidance urging me to sign up for Nadia’s two-month holistic healing class, I decided it was time for me to “forget everything I know” and to “lower my defenses” – to sample all of the figurative foods in the healing buffet line – to quit resisting alternative treatments and to give them an honest try.

Also in early October, I began to suspect that I had been re-infested with little biological energy vampires. On October 11, just two days before beginning my classes with Nadia, I decided to get tested by the local lab. Sure enough, little amoebas were swimming all around in my intestines, freely helping themselves to my cherished nutrition.

For the first time in my life, I decided to be open-minded and to embrace alternative holistic therapies in ridding my body of the tiny parasites. During the first two weeks of Nadia’s classes we would be doing a complete parasite cleanse, consisting of special diets, an assortment of herbal supplements, and daily treatment with a bio-electric zapper that many people here insist is successful in eradicating amoebas from the body.

I hoped the alternative therapies would work for me – I actually wanted them to work – but a small part of my analytical left brain insisted on taking a “wait and see” attitude. I was raised in a home in which traditional western medicine was fully embraced while other non-traditional methods were shunned. Throughout the majority of my life I have laughed at what I once believed to be the silliness of most alternative therapies, refusing to embrace them – refusing to even give them a try. Such old belief systems are proving difficult to shift.

Throughout the last two weeks of October I repeatedly stuffed my mouth with gel-caps filled with various assortments of herbal supplements. In addition, I restricted sugars in my diet and bio-electric “zapped” for 70 minutes every day. Yet as the first of November approached, I intuitively knew that my body was still infested with the little parasites. On Monday of this week I dropped off another sample at the lab. Sure enough, my tests came back positive – the little amoebas were still swimming around in my body.

What to do?

Parasite Paradoxes

For me the answer was obvious – take my prescribed antibiotics – a ten-day dose of Metronidazol three times per day. I have taken this prescription before and it did indeed successfully kill my parasites back in July.

As I embraced my personal decision to take western medicines, I was totally unprepared for the backlash of resistance that I felt from others. Nadia was quite graceful about accepting my decision – but I could sense her deep disappointment and near-shock that my natural remedies had not worked. I felt as if she subconsciously blamed me for the failure – implying that if I only had enough faith and belief in the herbal treatments, then they would have worked. (She was probably right.)

Others were not quite so gentle. Over the course of several days, I repeatedly listened as several other people expounded on the horrible evils of antibiotics and how they poison the organs in our bodies. These conversations were not aimed directly at me. However, the fact that such topics were being frequently discussed in my presence triggered a strong (but unexpressed) emotional resistance to surge in my body.

The fact that I was feeling this deep emotion in my body told me that another growth lesson was on its way – a lesson that has been on my mind throughout the week. While working on the jaguar puzzle, I have spent countless hours pondering the issue. I now believe that I am finally beginning to understand my intuitive lesson.

It is my deeply held belief that my body is fully capable of healing itself – that this entire physical universe, including my body, is a mental projection. I believe that I am the projector of my reality, and that the way I heal my reality is to fix the projector (me) – fixing the unresolved emotional issues buried deeply in my unconscious mind, transforming old fears and judgments into pure unconditional love. My own past experience strongly confirms that the more I heal my emotional self, the more physically healthy I continue to become.

As “A Course In Miracles (ACIM)” teaches, I believe that all medicines are really “magic pills” which simply aid the mind in a placebo-like manner, giving us enough reason and faith to believe that our bodies will be physically healed. As ACIM teaches, I also believe it is absolutely OK for us to use these “magic pills” as long as our beliefs are not yet strong enough to heal ourselves without them – but ultimately it is always our Higher Mind that does the healing.

Yes, I also believe that some illnesses and physical problems are part of our path – things that we agreed to deal with in this lifetime – lessons that we chose to experience before entering our physical body. In such cases, no amount of “magic pill” treatment will present a physical cure because the illness is necessary for our growth.

So why am I taking antibiotics?

I am doing so because I have deeply held life-long beliefs telling me that antibiotics will safely help me to kill the parasites. I have not yet weaned myself fully from this long-term belief. A part of me still believes that I am not fully capable of healing myself without antibiotics.

And why didn’t the herbal/alternative treatments work?

Probably because I didn’t fully believe that such remedies would work for me. There is no doubt in my mind that these treatments do actually work for many other people – people who deeply believe that such treatments will work. As quantum physics confirms, we live in a participatory universe, meaning that the act of observing an experiment actually affects the results. When we believe that something will work, our beliefs literally affect the outcome.

The paradox comes from the fact that I ultimately believe that neither antibiotics nor herbal remedies would be necessary if my spiritual beliefs were strong enough to heal myself without them. One day I hope to achieve such a state of pure belief.

Trusting Inner Voices

But in reality, I believe that my lesson for the week has nothing to do with parasites at all. What I have figured out through all of my pondering is that my lesson has been all about remembering to trust my own internal intuitions above all outside sources.

The “old me” would have assumed that since I was spiritually prompted to participate in Nadia’s healing course, that this meant I had to fully trust Nadia’s guidance. The “new me” fully remembered a lesson that I locked into place during my Sun Course – a strong spiritual experience telling me that I will never again listen blindly to everything that another teacher says at the expense of my own personal intuition.

As I faced this week, I struggled with remembering this lesson. I desperately wanted to believe that Nadia’s and others’ solutions might be better than my own present beliefs. I deeply desired to discover that herbal remedies do indeed work for me, and that everything I am learning in my current course is important for my life.

My intuition, however, tells me that if I fully embrace herbal/homeopathic remedies, that I am simply exchanging one “magic pill” for another one. I believe that the lesson being taught to me by the Universe is that, in this instance, I need to honor my present intuition – an intuitive knowing that I should stick with my present “magic pill” until I outgrow my need for it.

For now, I will trust that intuition. I still know with all of my heart that I was prompted to participate in this holistic healing course. I have already learned some incredible things, and am continually growing in many ways. I have now learned the basics of how to give Neuro-lymphatic massages, Reflexology, Shiatsu Massage, and Teishin (acupressure using a small pointed wand) on various meridian points. Granted, I have barely scratched the surface in learning the depth of these techniques, but what I have learned is powerful and pertinent to my life.

Also, please note that I am not against things like herbal supplements and other alternative treatments for parasites. As I already indicated, I know without any doubt that such remedies do indeed work for many people. I am only stating that my intuition tells me that these treatments are not for me, and that I deeply trust that internal guidance. With all of my heart, I believe that this week’s lesson has been a setup by the Universe – parasites and all – a lesson given to me as a teaching device to remind me to follow my own heart.

Chocolate Assistant

I had a special treat last Sunday (October 31). I found out that a group of people from the current Sun and Moon Courses were participating in a full Chocolate ceremony with Keith, the Chocolate Shaman. To my delight, Keith asked if I would be his assistant for the day – and a special day it was.

For over five hours, I was blessed with the opportunity to sit in on an incredible intuitive healing session, assisting in several situations by supplying my own energies. I was deeply impressed with the quality of the deep emotional and intuitive work that took place during that session.

As I returned to my little apartment late Sunday afternoon, I was overflowing with joyful heart energy. Throughout the day, I felt as if I were fully living in my element – fully embracing my internal passions. My heart spilled over with excitement as I pondered my upcoming training with Keith – a training that will begin as soon as I finish my current course with Nadia. Something tells me that the next several months will have a huge impact on my future.

Puzzle Pondering

This morning (Saturday, Nov 6) I had every intention of re-immersing myself into my writing. But as fate would have it, I again spent my morning working on the jaguar puzzle. Beginning last night, Sandra once again joined me in the puzzle passion – and this morning, we were totally in the mood to continue together. Rather than being a silly obsession, however, the morning began with delightful conversation and sharing.

When Sandra left around mid-morning to go visit a friend, I committed to myself that I would quickly shower and begin typing away on my laptop. As soon as I began writing, however, I felt a need to run into the living room to double check regarding how many pieces were in the puzzle – a fact that I wanted to add to my writing. To my surprise, I stopped briefly to put in “just one more” piece. Three hours later, I simply giggled as I finally took a puzzle break to make a quick mid-afternoon lunch.

But something was quite different about today’s puzzling puzzle behavior. Rather than feeling obsessed with the mechanics of working on the puzzle, I was simply enjoying it as a meditative endeavor. I used the time to ponder about my upcoming writing – to think about the lessons going on in my head and in my heart.

It occurs to me that each piece of the puzzle corresponds to one element of the truth that is intuitively implanted within my heart, whereas the puzzle as a whole represents the entire truth of the Universe.

My lifelong tendency has been to focus only on the individual pieces of truth that have come to me through so many synchronous and intuitive paths. Ego has a strong and persistent tendency to tell me that I already have all of the pieces of the puzzle in front of me.

“There is no need to look for other puzzle pieces.” Spiritual ego tells me. “You simply need to work with what you already have. It is too tiring and overwhelming to search for more.”

What I am discovering during my travels, however, is that I have barely scratched the surface. I am in the process of putting together the vast puzzle of the Universe, and I am only in possession of a small portion of the pieces.

The thoughts of opening my mind to the possibility of new pieces is often overwhelming, causing me to shut down – to stop looking – to seek stability through thinking I am almost done. However, my journey continuously reminds me that there is so much more for me to learn.

A small part of me continues to resist – to sit back and to simply stare at the overwhelming number of puzzle pieces already on my table – but I am eternally grateful that my heart continues to guide me into unknown realms to discover ever increasing treasures of experience and growth.

I am grateful that the Universe is not giving me all of the pieces at the same time. If I had every one of the puzzle pieces of truth sitting right in front of me, I might be so overwhelmed that I would never even try to internalize any of them.

I am excited to continue piecing the bigger picture together – one new puzzle piece at a time.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

My heart is filled with joy and peace as I begin to write on this beautiful Sunday morning. Even as Hurricane Richard approaches off the east coast of Belize – a storm that will soon be passing through Northern Guatemala as a downgraded tropical storm – all is calm, clear, warm, and beautiful here at Lake Atitlan. Based on storm projections, this powerful storm will pass well to the north. However, it does look like Richard will dump buckets of tropical moisture in the jungles surrounding the beautiful Mayan ruins of Tikal and Palenque.

The end of rainy season is rapidly approaching. We still get the occasional dumping from the skies, and the lake levels are still at a 40-year high, but for the most part San Marcos’s weather of the last few weeks has been absolutely gorgeous. (Of course, I think all weather is gorgeous – I would be just as thrilled if the rains were pouring down outside.).

As the past few weeks have evolved in beautiful synchronous manner, I have felt a subtle prompting urging me to continue immersing myself in the moment. My heart seems to laugh at self imposed pressure – pressure telling me that I need to be writing more consistently – pressure dictating that I should be meditating more often, being more consistent with yoga, taking life more seriously and pushing myself harder.

Instead, peaceful internal feelings guide me to relax – to breathe deeper – to ignore that silly man-made pressure – to simply practice present moment living in a more intense manner than I have ever previously done. It seems that self-imposed pressure to “work, work, work” and to “do, do, do” might really be a thing of the past.

These last ten days have been amazing – even mystical. Schedules and alarm clocks are rapidly losing their significance in my life.  Even without manmade time-keepers, I usually awake around 6:00 a.m., eager to immerse myself into the magical moments that are soon to follow. While listening to beautiful music, I prepare my daily hot drink – a simple ceramic mug of water with freshly squeezed lime juice.

Carrying my steaming mug out onto the balcony porch, I sit and sip – pondering while focusing on nature – studying the colors and textures of nearby banana and avocado trees – listening to and immersing myself in the variety of sounds beginning to stir around me.

Soon I am back in the small kitchen, cooking a warm bowl of delicious oatmeal, topped with sliced banana and papaya, sweetened with pure honey.

Sandra often joins me as we engage in deep conversation. Other times I simply ponder and meditate in awe, or perhaps I read portions of a book that inspires me. It is not uncommon for tears of joy to begin trickling from the corners of my eyes at random unplanned moments.

The magic of what I am doing here in San Marcos is ever chipping away at the darker and denser places that remain still buried within my heart. As I continue excavating, each buried piece of coal is transformed into a beautiful diamond. My “Forget everything you know and lower your defenses” dream continues to serve me quite well as I feel my resistance, on an almost daily basis, continuing to slide off my soul, as if I were a snake shedding an old skin while making room for new growth.

Around 9:00 a.m., Sandra and I stroll together down the main thoroughfare of San Marcos – a street which is really just a cobblestone sidewalk, barely five feet wide, obviously only built for foot traffic. Both sides of this narrow uneven path are lined by a variety of structures, including small restaurants, hotels, shops, a preschool, and homes. Five minutes later, we arrive at our destination – a beautiful little hideaway named “The Flower House” – a comfy and cozy little getaway in which Nadia has created her holistic healing center.

Nadia’s teaching style is laid back and relaxed. We begin with a quick chat while making tea, followed by a brief meditative session involving a group of simple yoga-like movements called “The Five Tibetans”. Soon, we are off to our classroom. I use the term “classroom” very loosely here, because most of our training is hands on. During our first week, we learned to give Neuro-Lymphatic massage. Rather than studying from books, Nadia actually trains us to do the various moves by first showing us what to do, and then having us practice on volunteers. After this relaxed hands-on learning, we then retreat to a large round table in Nadia’s home where we take about 30 minutes to write down the detailed steps that we learned.

After a yummy but simple lunch, we then enter an afternoon practice period in which we get to apply what we have learned. Amazingly, in only five sessions, I have learned to give a full Neuro-Lymphatic massage all by myself. Now I am learning the basics of foot reflexology.

Shifting Tides

I wrote the above descriptive paragraphs on Sunday morning, October 24, 2010. Three days have already raced by, and the calendar has now reached Wednesday evening.

For the last two weeks, my life has been magical. Sandra and I frequently remind each other about how much we love rooming together. Life seems to be filled to the brim with rewarding social opportunities. My five-day-per-week classes with Nadia are fun, relaxed, and informative. I am learning to find joy in things that I never imagined I would want to do or study. I am even enjoying the fact that due to our special cleansing diet, I am cooking my own meals and swallowing lots of herbal supplements.

Evenings after dinner are filled with delightful conversation, reading captivating spiritual books, and even watching a few fun videos. Weekends seem to be consumed by things like shopping/bank trips to Panajachel, Mayan ceremonies, local music concerts, half-day walks to San Pedro, and simply enjoying life.

Because of restricted connectivity and busy schedules, my internet time has frequently been limited to fifteen minutes per day – barely enough time to check emails and glance through Facebook.

In the midst of all this joyful hustle and bustle, I have silently observed a constant debate playing out a hotly-contested ping-pong match in my left brain: “To write or not to write … that is the question.”

Part of me serves the tiny white ping-pong ball with a vicious spin, demanding that I return to my old passion of writing several times per week, reminding me of how writing has become a critical element of my growth path, trying to make me feel guilty when day after day zooms by without me having written even a single word.

Another part of me skillfully returns the serve with a swift back-handed twist, insisting that she does not want to write today. This part is quite convincing. She refuses to accept guilt, insisting that she desires to simply immerse herself in the present moment, to fully focus her energies on all of the amazing opportunities constantly unfolding around her.

As the back-and-forth ping-pong match continues, the detached observer in me attempts to referee this near-stalemate – reminding me that we can indeed find balance – that both of the other options can be correct – that no one needs to win or lose. Just as with my Sun Course, I feel as if it is time to once again shift my writing focus – to ride the ebb and flow of the tides as they constantly change around me.

I am still not quite sure what this change means. It is almost certain that I will be writing less while experiencing more of what is going on around me. I may or may not shift back to journal-style writing as I did during the Sun Course. At least in the short-term, there will likely be times where I may go several weeks without writing a single word. Then again, it is entirely possible that unexpected growth events will stimulate my passions, causing me to write furiously, possibly for days on end.

At this point in my process, I withhold making a prediction. The only thing for certain is that I will continue writing in some form or other.

Riding the Waves

Yesterday morning (Tuesday, Oct 26), I awoke with an unusual sensation. As I prepared my hot lemon juice, I noticed that I did not feel the usual expected joy in my heart. As I sat on the balcony staring at banana trees while sipping my steaming mug, a mild feeling of spiritual disconnect began to haunt my soul.

Fifteen minutes later, as Sandra joined me with her own hot steaming mug, I described my strange feelings to her, expressing my confusion as to why I seemed to have suddenly lost the awareness of magic.

After another fifteen minutes of relaxed conversation, Sandra and I both simultaneously arrived at the same answer.

“I am about to go through some new growth and learning.” I excitedly exclaimed to Sandra just as she began to say something similar.

I had suddenly recognized that I was simply experiencing the bottom of a wave between two spiritual highs. Such bottoms always seem to bring opportunities for new growth and insight, but they can also be quite emotionally challenging. In the past, I have never welcomed such “opportunities”, but yesterday I found myself feeling quite different, even eager to discover what was coming my way.

“Bring it on.” I told the Universe as I quietly speculated regarding the nature of the new incoming growth.

But as I stepped through Nadia’s doorway, I quickly forgot all about my funky mood.

Frustrating Impatience

Throughout yesterday, my frustration gradually grew in intensity. A feeling of deep puzzlement filled my heart as I found myself “unconsciously” facing the day. The fact that I was spiritually disconnected completely evaded my focused awareness. I had completely forgotten my early morning discussions with Sandra. I had forgotten my intuitive understanding that I was about to face new growth.

As the day began to unfold, the littlest of events began to secretly irritate me in the biggest of ways. I found myself quite disappointed when Nadia canceled our “Five Tibetans” exercise/meditation due to the lateness of our starting time. Then, Nadia became delayed by several unexpected outside interruptions and was unable to be physically present while we began practicing our warm-ups of foot reflexology. Later, I found myself in a very weird mental state as Nadia was finally able to join us. Rather than simply “loving what is”, I was uncharacteristically feeling somewhat annoyed.

Later, as Nadia was teaching us new reflexology moves, I became totally confused and disconnected from the present moment. As I tried to ask questions for clarification, my innocent and well-meaning spoken-words were clouded by a silent energy of frustration. Nadia, sensing my lack of “presence”, diverted my questions in a way that further fueled my feeling of disconnect.

After Nadia finished the teaching portion of our class, Sharon and I partnered together so that she could practice her first solo reflexology session on me. I was totally looking forward to – and apparently quite attached to – a great and relaxing foot treatment. I was not aware of it at the time, but the Universe had set us both up for a great growth lesson.

For various reasons, Sharon was in her own state of present-moment disconnect. She had not been fully focused in class, and did not completely understand all the procedures that she needed to perform on my feet. Meanwhile, I had unknowingly grown increasingly disconnected from Spirit. As Sharon began her treatment, I began to feel considerable judgment regarding the way in which she was working on me. As negative emotions began to surface, I forced a contrived smile onto my face while silently wallowing in an agitated state of perfectionism and suppressed frustration.

I felt as if I had been mysteriously split into two opposing people.

As a detached observer, I watched with puzzlement while another seemingly-separate part of my personality became obsessed with making a complete fool of myself. I experienced profound confusion by the fact that I seemed to be powerless in stopping or controlling the subsequent awkward behavior of that frustrated perfectionist who secretly lingered inside of me.

Frequently, even while still observing myself, I felt inexplicably compelled to correct Sharon, pointing out each time that I perceived her doing something wrong, missing a step or performing a step out of order. Wishing I could put a cork in my mouth, I felt incapable of stopping my ongoing critique of Sharon’s performance. My words were spoken with sugar-coated good intentions, but when they oozed out of my mouth, they were coated with the stench of buried frustration and judgment.

Ego pounded his chest, pompously proclaiming that I deserved a quality reflexology treatment, insisting that it was my duty to help Sharon learn to do things as I smugly understood that they should be done.

“How will she learn if I don’t point out her errors?” Ego self-righteously queried.

Throughout the entire hour, I was incapable of relaxing and allowing things to “simply be”. What might easily have been a fun and silly session between friends, instead turned into an unpleasant energetic tug-of-war. The more I “lovingly” critiqued Sharon’s treatment, the more her behavior shifted in ways that increasingly triggered my annoyed feelings.

With hindsight, I now realize that I was fully responsible for creating the unfolding events, but at that time my holier-than-thou attitude was fully blind to this fact. What ensued during that treatment could have been a comical episode of Laurel and Hardy – only I was not laughing. Ego was serious and quite crabby.

As Sharon and I parted company early yesterday afternoon, we were both confused and puzzled by what had taken place. I am sure that she believed me to be angry at her. She immediately apologized for her lack of focus. I appreciated and acknowledged her apology, but was far from ready to apologize myself.

Lemons to Love

Early this morning, as I sipped my hot lemon juice on the balcony, Sandra again came out to join me.

“I’m still feeling disconnected today” I expressed to Sandra with confusion. “This afternoon I need to isolate myself in my room. It is time for me to do some more writing in order to obtain clarity about what is going on deep within my soul.”

Suddenly I remembered yesterday morning’s insight – the one telling me that I was about to experience new growth. I laughed at my forgetfulness as I recognized that my struggles yesterday were the basis of that growth. I swiftly shifted my attitude, deciding that now was the time to go on another treasure hunt – a search for the hidden cause of that puzzling behavioral outburst.

In the hour that followed, Sandra became a beautiful and intuitive spiritual counselor, gradually assisting me in turning over a few large stones from my past, helping me to examine just what might be buried beneath the dark moist side of those large stagnant rocks. For the most part, Sandra simply listened, asked a few questions, and offered some much needed feedback – but her loving feedback was exactly what I needed – exactly what helped me to find the courage to dig deeper in my heart.

“I feel so stupid about how I treated Sharon yesterday.” I explained to Sandra. “She probably hates me now. I am such a social misfit.”

“Cancel that!” Sandra responded, lovingly reminding me to not use such negative labels.

“Brenda, you are far from being a social misfit.” She continued. “Just look at all of the friends you have made right here in San Marcos alone.”

I had to acknowledge that Sandra was correct, but the emotions I was experiencing were telling me just the opposite. Determined to trace those emotions back to their origin, I did not have far to look. I knew exactly from whence these dysfunctional feelings were surfacing. As a vulnerable and impressionable young boy, my teen years had been filled with social trauma.

Gradually, as Sandra and I talked, long-suppressed emotions began to find their way into the spotlight. I explained details regarding how extremely insecure I had been with social interactions during my teen years – how I had suppressed so much of my personality – how I cowered in fear because of what I perceived as my dirty and shameful little transgender secrets.

Soon, I was blubbering and sniffling as tears began to flow and unexpected emotions started to surface. Around Sandra, I felt totally comfortable in allowing myself to display such vulnerability. Sandra and I continued talking. The discussion was amazing, eye opening, and filled with insights.

Our conversation helped to expose a lifelong pattern. During my teenage years I had built huge walls around myself – protective walls designed to keep me safe. In those years I had many acquaintances, some closer than others, but I never understood what it meant to have a genuine friend. I had too many secrets to keep, too many walls to maintain.

Even in my marriage, I could never fully divulge my heart. I was terrified by the hidden secrets that were buried behind my protective walls. I believed that I could never share that forbidden and shameful part of my self with anyone, especially not with someone I loved. It would hurt them too much.

It was not until my early thirties when I began to share. At first, my sharing was limited to my wife and to a few “safe” support-group friends who were just like me. I began to develop two types of friends: Those who were simply acquaintances and those who knew the secrets of my heart.

There was no middle ground. It was all or nothing. Unless prompted by deep intuition, I kept all of my acquaintances at a safe distance, deflecting their questions and avoiding conversations that might prove awkward. In order to have a true friend – a friend with whom I could share deep meaningful conversations – such a friend would need to know my full life story. In my thirties, such a friendship with a non-transgendered individual was out of the question. I was too terrified to risk such disclosure.

In my forties, after my transition to Brenda, I gradually expanded my circle of deep friendships to carefully-selected every-day people who were guided into my life. Each self-disclosure began as a terrifying risk – one in which I was forced to face my deepest fears – but invariably, I came away with another amazing friendship along with slightly increased confidence and courage.

What puzzled me, however, was the fact that even though I was beginning to have close and genuine friends, I still lacked confidence regarding how to engage in simple every-day conversations with such friends. During my transition I began to work on developing those skills, but emotional issues clouded my progress. After years of practicing, I now have access to most of the skills that I have sought to cultivate – but such skills are not always fully intuitive, and they do not run on auto-pilot. Even now, I often find myself easily slipping into old fearful and dysfunctional patterns – just as I did yesterday with Sharon.

So this takes me back to my present fears. The emotions that came up this morning in my discussion with Sandra make no sense given my present-day confidence and courage to be myself – yet invariably, when I am in normal every day social situations I often still find myself slipping into these old fears, cowering in a corner, being a wallflower, stumbling over awkward words, and/or avoiding interactions unless intuition moves me forward.

Yes, I do indeed have many friends here in San Marcos. In fact I have made close friends throughout every phase of my journey, and I have an amazing array of deep and meaningful friendships back home. So why do I occasionally still cower with fear over silly every day interactions?

As I discussed my emotions with Sandra, she helped me to recognize what I already knew. Based on past “all or nothing” experiences, I still tend to put people into one of two boxes: those with whom I am energetically prompted to share my life – and everyone else. Quite frequently, I tend to completely ignore many of those in the “everyone else” category. Since I do not feel energetically drawn to them as “close friendship material”, I tend to subconsciously write them off as not being worthy of my time.

I shudder in my shoes as I ponder the implications of judging people “as not being worthy of my time.” This is so against everything I believe. I am deeply humbled as I have to admit that in a very subtle way, this is exactly what I have been doing – not intentionally, mind you, but out of long-term habit. Such judgment has not been based on conscious thought – instead it has been based on subconscious energies of self-preservation. Nevertheless, it is judgment just the same.

Sandra and I took this discussion one step deeper. As it turns out, I now realize that I keep many people at a distance because I do not yet fully trust my ability to set proper boundaries. While I am no longer afraid of casual friendships, I do have a deep seated fear that if I am friendly with too many people, I may lose myself in so many relationships that I do not have time to honor the passions of my own inspired mission. The bizarre contradiction here is that a major portion of my personal mission statement is to learn to love everyone unconditionally.

Very often I find myself completely ignoring people because of this silly fear of not being capable of protecting my boundaries.

How silly is that! Yes, the old me did indeed have huge boundary problems. I used to be a virtual doormat, always trying to please others while seeking love and validation from my friends. But I have long since outgrown this stage. I have repeatedly proven to myself that I am fully capable of establishing and maintaining solid-but-loving emotional boundaries.

As this morning’s delightful conversation with Sandra came to a conclusion, I was filled with a newfound determination – a determination to live my personal mission statement much more fully than ever before.

My changes will be very subtle and gradual. First, I will focus on being more present – attempting to notice everyone that crosses my path. Second, I will begin making a conscious effort to be friendly with people that I tend to lump into the “everyone else” category – even though I may never see them again. Such an effort may simply be a smile and a “hello”, or it may be a longer conversation. What matters is that I will make the effort to send love.

Not only will such conversations spread the love that I feel in my heart, but they will also aid me in further fine tuning my social interaction skills.

One thing is certain. I will no longer avoid such interaction out of fear of involvement. I do not need to worry about becoming too involved. I trust myself and I trust the intuitions that come from my Divine Source. If a friendship is meant to evolve from such behavior then that is exactly what I want to happen. If such a friendship is not meant to develop, I fully trust the Universe to energetically keep the friendship from progressing. The energy will simply not be there.

Something tells me that the results of my new experiment will be magical.

Return to Peace

This morning, after arriving at the Flower House, I cornered Sharon as soon as circumstances allowed for a little privacy.

“I need to apologize to you.” I told Sharon with love radiating in my heart. “I am really sorry for how I treated you yesterday. I was in a very spiritually-disconnected state and I unknowingly fell into some old perfectionism patterns. I am really sorry for how I behaved.”

A short heartfelt conversation ensued, followed by genuine loving hugs. My heart resonated with deep peace.

Yes, yesterday’s unrest had indeed been an inside job. My return to peace was as simple as recognizing my judgments, healing my own emotions, refilling my heart with unconditional love, and then having the courage to speak my truth.

The magic has returned to its home, vibrating peacefully in my heart. I cannot wait to see where it leads me next.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

 
Warm rays of sunlight radiate from the azure blue sky as I traverse the narrow paved road toward the eastern boundary of San Marcos. Only three short days have elapsed since my last visit with Keith, the Chocolate Shaman, but even still, intuition is clearly guiding me back to request yet another session.

During my Monday visit with Merrill, “The Crystal Lady”, I had come away quite puzzled by her question, “Brenda, what is all of this sadness, anger, and energy of victimization that is radiating from your heart?”

Merrill was quite confident as those words had flowed from her tongue. My initial reaction was one of conditioned ego resistance, reassuring me that Merrill was crazy, and that no such lower-vibration energy existed anywhere inside of me.

“I would be the first to know if such emotions were still raging within,” I had gently pondered.

Yet as I listened honestly while Merrill explained to me what she was sensing, I had to admit to myself that I too began to intuitively detect the buried presence of another layer of hidden darkness whose presence had skillfully evaded my former detection.

Spending Tuesday in an all-day writing session had been an extremely healing process. During that long day of inspired writing, the mysterious energy’s presence had seemed to evaporate from my awareness. Nevertheless, on Wednesday morning, October 6, I found myself faithfully honoring a previous Jedi voice that had told me to go see Keith again. Putting on my walking shoes, I began the short ten-minute walk.

Searching For Doors

As expected, Keith responds to my impromptu visit by pulling out two comfy green camping chairs, placing them on his small outdoor porch, and telling me that “Now is as good a time as any.”

“I want to explore the energy that Merrill told me about.” I tell Keith while simultaneously stating that I have no clue as to the nature of the unseen and mostly-unfelt emotional energy that remains buried inside of me. In fact, ego is still trying to convince me that the mysterious emotions are merely a figment of Merrill’s imagination – telling me that such emotions do not really exist at all.

“Close your eyes and connect to your Higher Self.” Keith begins to guide me. “Pay attention to the sensations throughout your body, and let me know when you feel something that you suspect might be significant.”

Seconds later, I notice a mosquito uncharacteristically biting me on the neck. For some reason, these little winged vampires rarely feast on my neck or facial skin. As I explain my “thoughts of neck-itching” to Keith, I intuitively know that this is just a random act of distraction – knowing that the innocent little mosquito has no relationship whatsoever to the quest that lays before me. Redoubling my meditation effort, I again focus on bodily sensations. Several minutes seem to pass – minutes filled with absolutely no intuitive sensations whatsoever – before I finally open my mouth again to speak.

“I’m beginning to feel a tight anxiety-like cramping in my upper chest, right below my heart area.” I explain, while searching for words to describe to Keith the confusing sensation that is just starting to manifest itself in my body.

Keith immediately responds, congratulating me, confirming that his guides indeed are telling him that the focus of our session needs to begin with my heart.

Keith soon asks me to close my eyes again and to re-enter my meditation, instructing me to search for a door somewhere in my heart, asking me to speak up and to let him know when I locate it.

For five or ten minutes I simply sit with my eyes closed, focusing with genuine intent but sensing and seeing absolutely nothing. Finally, as I am about to give up, an image presents itself to my inner eyes, as if appearing out of nowhere. While what I see is not quite photograph-quality, it is clear and vivid enough to make a firm impact on my memories.

“It is a heavy wooden door with a rounded top.” I begin to explain to Keith. “The door is already swung wide open, and the room inside is pitch black.”

As I stare at that eerie open door, a sensation of fear begins to grip my soul. Even though the intent of my meditation is to identify and to lovingly explore what is inside of that room, a major part of me becomes suddenly resistant to the thought of continuing forward.

“I feel like I don’t want to go inside.” I mumble to Keith while continuing to visualize that menacing doorway. “I know I need to go in … I know I want to go in … but at the same time I feel an uncanny fear.”

Keith begins to talk, encouraging me to find the strength to enter the room. With my eyes still closed, I try to listen, but instead, my attention is powerfully drawn to another image that briefly flashes into my mind’s eye.

On the ground, directly in front of that “wide-open wooden doorway into darkness”, I catch a sudden glimpse of a small basinet in which I see two small babies. Intuitively I know that one is a baby boy, the other being a tiny girl. The image only remains in my mind for a brief second or two. Surprisingly, as the image fades back into nothingness, I intuitively know the meaning behind the two twin babies. My mind quickly flashes to an unexpected memory – a memory of a profound story – a story that completely captivates my imagination – a story about which I had not thought in quite some time.

Approximately five years ago I attended a few social gatherings in the home of a woman named Helen. In the course of several close healing conversations, I had felt confident enough to reveal to Helen a few details about my transgender journey. As fate would have it, Helen and I were both quite busy at the time and our friendship never really evolved beyond the occasional email encounter. But to my surprise, she one day sent me an unexpected communication – a long and loving email in which Helen shared a unique story that had been given to her on my behalf.

Oddly enough, the circumstances of how Helen received this story are clouded by my forgetfulness. I don’t remember if she dreamed the story or if it was given to her in some other intuitive way. I vaguely recall Helen indicating to me that she has some psychic abilities. Regardless of the story’s origin, however, I clearly remember the general details that Helen related in her beautiful email. Her words told a story that had touched me very deeply at both the emotional and spiritual levels. Following is the theme of what Helen shared so long ago.

“Two little angels, a little boy and a little girl, were sitting on a cloud looking down at the beautiful earth below. The two were destined to be twins, and were waiting excitedly to be born together. But then, during their mother’s pregnancy, something had unexpectedly happened to the little girl’s body. The fetus had died during the early stages of pregnancy and only the little boy’s tiny developing body remained. The two little angels lovingly discussed their shared dilemma, debating each of their futures while discussing the missions they had hoped to accomplish on earth. Then, in a pure act of unconditional love, the little boy angel looked at his planned sister-to-be and told her with loving emotion, ‘Your mission on earth is much more important than my own. I want you to take my body and go to earth in my place so that you can fulfill your mission.’”

As I quickly recall this story, I patiently wait for Keith to finish his words of encouragement as he tries to build my resolve to enter the dark room. As soon as I feel it appropriate for me to speak, I quickly interrupt and change topics, explaining to Keith what I just saw. I then share with him a quick synopsis of the above story.

“Could that story be literal?” I eagerly ask with a sense of deep curiosity. “Could what Helen shared with me have been what really happened?”

After a few seconds of pondering, Keith responds confidently, “No Brenda, I’m getting the intuition that this story is indeed true in a metaphorical sense, but not in a literal sense.”

Keith’s answer resonates true in my heart. With many clues darting around in my curious mind, I am anxious to discover just where this emotional journey might take me next.

Into The Dark

With my eyes still closed, Keith guides me to begin walking toward the entrance of the dark ominous room, the image of which is still clear and vivid in my mind’s eye. Without taking a single meditative step, still feeling quite anxious and tentative, I feel myself being pulled into the energy of that forbidden space. Keith asks me to look around and to describe what I can feel or see. The room is so black that I cannot visualize a single image, but in spite of the darkness I intuitively feel the energy around me. The emotions are thick and intense – emotions of fear, sadness, anger, and victimization. Amazingly, I clearly recognize that, rather than experiencing these feelings myself, I am instead the conscious observer, observing the dense emotions of something or someone hiding in that room.

While exploring the mental darkness of this eerily black room, I begin to contemplate the metaphorical story of a little girl angel taking over the body of a little boy angel. The whole story begins to make deep intuitive sense.

Suddenly, I feel the presence of an angry energy representing the voice of that little boy angel. It is my own emotional energies from around age 25 to 30, during an intense period of my life in which I genuinely struggled with all of my heart trying to squash the feminine feelings that surged unexplainably within me. The male energy is angry. He doesn’t remember the agreement made before coming to earth. He doesn’t remember that he had asked the feminine energy to take over his body so that she could complete her mission on earth. The only thing that this male energy is willing to feel is his anger and victimization.

“How dare you push your way into my life,” the energy lashes out in my mind. “You just waltzed into my body like a bull in a china closet, pushing me out of the way, squashing me into a corner and locking me away.”

“I had dreams.” The internal voice angrily continues. “I could have fulfilled them … I would have fulfilled them. I was well on my way to having a happy, normal, and comfortable life. I wanted to grow old with my wife and family – to be a normal husband, father, and grandfather – to have a close and loving relationship with my children and grandchildren – to have them climbing and giggling on my lap. I wanted to serve in the church, to relax, to be normal, to have a house with a white picket fence, and to simply live out my peaceful happy dreams.”

“But then you ruined it all!” The male energy screams at me again. “How dare you! How dare you! How dare you! You shattered my dreams. You devastated not only my life but the lives of everyone I love. How dare you!”

Without saying a word to Keith, I begin to engage this angry voice in an experiential therapy session, allowing it free reign to rant and rave regarding the horrible victimization to which I had forced him to submit. Keith had previously turned me loose to deal with whatever comes up on my own, simply instructing me to connect with my Higher Self. This is exactly what I proceed to do. Yes, I know that I can open my eyes and ask Keith for help if I get stuck, but I am determined to face this issue on my own – to develop the confidence that I can do this type of work without external assistance.

For what feels like at least thirty minutes or longer, I allow this voice to angrily rage inside of my head, freely expressing his intense sadness, anger, frustration, and victimization. I lovingly listen to the constant dribble of “woe is me” emotions flowing through my mind. I literally feel as if this is a separate energy living inside of me – a separate entity that is poisoning me with his vitriol and spiteful feelings. I am quite amused by how I actually feel as if I am a counselor, and this voice is my client.

While maintaining this degree of “professional separation”, I give myself permission to cry real tears of emotion as I deeply understand and truly empathize with the story of how Brenda came into his body and choked away his very life. I try to explain to him how he had agreed to give his body to Brenda – how her mission was his ultimate destiny – how he had actually chosen this path before being born.

He is not interested in any of that. He acts like he understands what I am saying, but the second that I let him speak again, he goes right back into the same angry arguments.

Unconditional love radiates from my heart as I continue to engage this voice in silent conversation. With Higher Self as my partner, I listen, I love, and I cry – but I never validate victimhood nor do I engage in false empathy.

Finally, after nearly thirty minutes I reach what feels like an impasse. I have reached the limits of my abilities and knowledge, having done all that I intuitively know how to do. I have lovingly listened to this raging energy, allowed it to emotionally express through freely-flowing tears, embraced the validity of its hurt feelings, and then tried to help lovingly re-write the outcome – but the angry voice is still there, as if it were a sleeping fire-breathing dragon that had finally awoken from a 25-year mystical trance of suppression.

“Are you following what is going on here?” I ask Keith inquisitively, as I begin to ask for feedback and assistance.

“Yes I am,” Keith begins, “and I can sense that you are making great progress.”

“Do you know precisely what has been going on in my mind?” I again query.

“No, I don’t know the exact process that you are going through,” Keith volunteers, “but I am very connected to your energy. You have been doing a wonderful job in dealing with it on your own. My promptings have guided me to simply sit here while holding the space for you.”

“One thing I do know and trust, however,” Keith continues, “is that I will know exactly what I need to know and say, exactly when I need to know or say it.”

For several minutes, I take this opportunity to engage Keith in a fascinating question and answer dialog about his intuitive therapeutic process – picking his brain about exactly how much he knows and when he knows it. It has always been my experience that Keith does indeed know exactly what to say and when to say it. His energy intuitions continue to amaze me.

Parallel Dimensions

As I fill Keith in on the internal journey through which I had just passed, I end by saying “But that energy is still there, and it is still very angry at me. I don’t know what else to do.”

Seconds later, Keith guides me to again close my eyes and to begin visualizing a part of myself in a parallel dimension – a dimension in which that unhappy male energy had succeeded in living out his normal traditional life.

“Connect with that part of yourself.” Keith tells me. “Describe his life to me. Tell me what you feel.”

The process is much easier than I expect. Seconds later, I am telling Keith exactly what that angry male voice had hoped for. In this other dimensions, that male energy is indeed living his dreams. He is happy, fulfilled, and content – yet a little puzzled by something deep inside of him that he can not quite identify.

Then the conversation becomes quite difficult for me to embrace. Keith begins to explain that this other parallel dimension is real – that this other part of myself did indeed split off during my younger years – and that this part of myself really is living his dreams in this other parallel dimension.

For the next twenty minutes or so, I grill Keith with questions about parallel dimensions. I am very familiar with many of the space-time theories of quantum physics – the ideas that an unlimited number of possible parallel dimensions exist, and that the dimension that we actually experience is the one on which we focus with our conscious mind.

But to my logical mind, this is all “mumbo-jumbo” – it is stuff around which I can not wrap my limited brain. I can understand “in concept” that at each decision point in our life, our consciousness follows the decision that we actually make. But my logical mind can not grasp the concept that the other decision possibilities (the ones that we didn’t make) also continue to unfold in parallel dimensions.

I think of it as kind of like a movie with an unlimited number of endings – endings that grow in exponential numbers with each decision process. In such a movie, the story would be created by the viewer. All possible endings would be pre-filmed and available for selection, but the actually movie experienced by the viewer would depend on interaction with the viewer’s consciousness during various decision points as the plot gradually unfolds.

I find it kind of fun to envision my life as this amazing collection of movie endings, with each ending playing out in different dimensions – fun yes, but I still can not wrap my logical mind around the process, even though I want to believe what Keith has told me.

Finally I unexpectedly remember a state of peace that I reached after a past-life regression during my Moon Course – a past life regression where I later stated to myself that “I do not know if this was real or simply an imagined experience that was presented to me by Spirit – but regardless of which it was, the healing was amazing and I could never have thought of this on my own.”

Surrendering to this realization, I finally convince myself to fully embrace Keith’s approach even though my left brain still believes it to be just plain silly.

Keith instructs me to release the energy of that angry male voice inside of me – allowing it to happily live out its own life in peace – trusting that it will indeed experience everything that it ever hoped for in that other parallel dimension.

After about twenty minutes of further discussion with Keith, I finally reach a point where I can allow my imagination to fully embrace Keith’s words. Amazingly, as I do so with genuine belief, I feel the angry male energy inside quietly fade away as it simply disappears from my awareness. As if by some act of unexplainable magic, I intuitively know that the bitter victimized energy has totally dissolved – it has totally vanished.

Somehow, as I recognized and embraced the possibilities of parallel dimensions, this energy simply let go and went off to live its own happy life – a separate life where he could happily follow his traditional Mormon beliefs – a life of peace and conformity – a life of loving family-life, of normal jobs, and of happy retirement. Yes, I can now continue to live the passions of my present day inspired journey while that other part of me is free to live out his own dreams. Neither of us needs to be energetically tied to the other.

Proving the Imagination

Beginning in late July and early August, during my earliest sessions with Keith, I often found myself asking him, “How can I know if this is real or if this is simply wishful imagination?”

Several times over those first few months, Keith had repeatedly explained the answer to me – an answer that his own guides had taught to him. In the logical left-brained world, much of the spirituality intuitive work that we do literally does feel as if it might be just a silly imaginary procedure.

“The proof is in waiting a few weeks to see the actual results of the intuitive work that you do.” Keith has repeatedly emphasized.

This is exactly how the trust in my own intuitive process has developed. Years ago, I believed that all of my intuitions were just plain silliness. But little by little, as I began to cautiously follow my biggest of intuitions, the process of extended time always had a way of showing me that those intuitions had been spot-on perfect. I gradually began to notice amazing synchronicities everywhere around me. The more that I started trusting those unexplainable intuitions, the more the synchronous events seemed to show up in my life at just the perfect moments.

As I learned to rely on those bigger intuitions, I began to develop trust in similar feelings that were smaller, those bringing less energetic intensity. It was then that I began to feel more frequent guidance. But even still, my intuitive awareness was not fully tuned. I often went days or weeks between “trustable” intuitive feelings.

My intuitions always come with a little burst of energetic knowing and awareness – something that is difficult if not impossible to for me to explain – but something which I can now easily recognize if the feeling is strong enough. Somehow, I just know that a feeling is true.

Gradually, especially during my travels, I have fine tuned my awareness to increasingly smaller and ever gentler intuitive vibrations. Now, as I frequently work with Keith, I am beginning to distinguish and trust even tinier bursts of intuitive feelings.

As Keith coached me to embrace the concept that my male energy could indeed be living out his dreams in a parallel dimension, my left brain was laughing in disbelief. Yet, in the midst of that resistance, I recognized a tiny intuitive confirmation telling me that I needed to explore what Keith was telling me – telling me to trust the process, to forget what I thought I knew, to lower my defenses.

Today, as I finally write about this experience, eleven days have already zoomed by – ample time for me to convince myself that what I experienced on October 6 was indeed real – real enough to bring many true healing results into my life.

As I walked away from Keith’s home on that beautiful Wednesday afternoon, I felt light and free. The first thing Sandra said when she saw me was “Wow, you look different – younger, more feminine, and happier.” Over the next several days, I received several such unsolicited random comments from others.

The real shocker came four days later when I was talking via Skype to one of my nieces in San Diego, CA.. After I told her about my experience with Keith, Carol paused and then said me something like, “Brenda, that is amazing. Just yesterday I was looking at your blog photo, and I had to do a double take. I suddenly realized how much lighter and more feminine you looked … and that was before I heard your story today.”

But my real healing confirmation has nothing to do with comments from others. I literally feel different. I no longer feel the buried guilt and pain of that suppressed part of myself that had to die in order for Brenda to gain life. I literally feel freer, younger, more social, and more childlike. A forgotten part of me that was dead is now stepping back out into the beautiful light of healing and growth. Yes, with all of my heart, I know that what I did with Keith some eleven days ago was real enough to cause great healing, and that is all that matters to my left brain.

As I attempt to write about parallel dimensions, I have to emphasize that I am extremely far from being an expert in the study of Quantum Physics and the concepts of parallel dimensions. While I have read several books and attended many seminars discussing such topics, I have never seriously studied nor meditated on the same. The idea of parallel dimensions had always made conceptual sense at a very abstract level, but I had never before considered it to be important for me and my own healing.

Today I am finally beginning to grasp at a little more concrete understanding. For many years I have accepted the concept that we create our own reality and that this Universe is indeed a dream-like projection originating in the Mind of our Divine Source. As I contemplate my recent experience with Keith while pondering this concept, the idea of parallel dimensions suddenly makes so much more sense to me.

If the Universe really is a sophisticated mental projection, then allowing for parallel mind thoughts to simultaneously live out their existences in other projected realities is actually quite a simple concept to grasp – mind boggling yes, but it is indeed quite simple.

Revisiting the Energy

To my surprise, before we finished our session together, Keith again asked me to go into meditation and to connect with the male part of my energy that is now living out his life happily in another dimension.

As I connected with that distant part of myself, I was surprised to feel an even deeper sense of contentment. His puzzling sense of hidden confusion was gone, and he was even happier than I remembered.

“He feels as if an angel visited him and transformed something in his life.” Keith told me with confidence. “He doesn’t know what it was, but he feels lighter and quite grateful.”

Intuitively, I knew that Keith’s words were true.

Deep Surrender

As I left Keith’s home after that amazing mid-day experience – on a day that now seems so very long ago – my afternoon was far from over. The next thing I did was to walk over to Nadia’s home with intentions to sign up for her two month healing course. For two weeks since hearing about Nadia’s course, I had rejected the idea with firm resolve. Suddenly, two days earlier, the resistance had softened to firm gelatin. That afternoon, I completely and joyfully surrendered to intuitions guiding me to eagerly jump in with heart, mind and soul.

The course has two main goals – the first being for me to personally experience two months of therapies, cleanses, healing, and growth – the second being to teach us the basics of many different therapies, including Neuro-Lymphatic massage, Reflexology, Shiatsu Massage and meridians, Teishin, Auricular Therapy, Reiki (levels 1 through Master), Chi Nei Tsung, Crystal Healing, Acupressure, and Sacred Geometry.

While I still have no idea what many of these procedures entail, I am actually excited to broaden my horizons, to learn how to do them myself, and to expand my intuitions. The latter is my deeper goal – rubbing shoulders with Nadia’s amazing intuition for two full months of in-depth training. Nadia’s teaching is deeply entwined with her Spiritual philosophies which seem to line up in profound ways with my own deeply held beliefs.

For the next week, my life suddenly expanded with additional busywork commitments. I had books to read, questions to answer, and a need for quick cash. In the middle of three separate day-trips to an ATM in Panajachel, I also participated in a Kriya Yoga breathing class while attempting to maintain and develop new budding social relationships.

I became so busy that, before I could blink, another week had passed, and my classes were about to begin.

Unexpected Tears

It was Tuesday morning, October 12 – the day before beginning my next journey into the vast unknown. As part of our suggested reading for Nadia’s course, I was devouring the book “Anatomy of the Spirit” by Caroline Myss. As I eagerly neared the end of the book, I stumbled upon a story that unexpectedly caused the floodgates of my emotions to open wide.

On page 272, Carolyn was relating portions of the true story of a man named Jim Garrison. Jim was born in China as the child of American missionary parents. At age five, Jim’s internal spiritual outlook on life was profoundly changed when he wandered into a Buddhist temple and observed a monk meditating while a fly continually landed on his face. Beginning at that time, Jim became deeply drawn to Eastern spiritual traditions and could not fully embrace many of the Christian teachings as they were being taught to him.

At age seven, after being sent to a Protestant boarding school, Jim reports being severely beaten because he would not agree with what the missionaries were teaching about God. At age nine he came to the defense of a Catholic girl who was also a student at his boarding school. Other students were harassing her because of her Catholic beliefs. As a result of his standing up for the girl, Jim tells of being put into solitary confinement for two weeks.

Shortly afterward, one of the dorm mothers gathered all the other children together in a room to give them candy. From the next room, Jim heard the woman tell the children that they could have more candy if they would agree not to play with Jim until he accepted Christ.

As I read these shocking words, tears began to stream down my cheeks. The story triggered emotions buried deeply within my own heart – emotions that I thought I had already healed. I now realize that I had indeed already healed my understanding of my daughter with unconditional love, but that I had never healed some of the buried emotions from the experience itself … but I am getting a little ahead of myself.

A Story of Love

It is with extreme caution that I publicly share the following story. This is a story involving my family, especially my oldest daughter, a beautiful woman whom I love with all of my heart. Sharing about family emotions has such a potential for misunderstanding. I deeply apologize in advance if my words offend or open raw wounds for anyone who may read this. My intention is pure. Mine is an intention to share a story about love – a story of how I allowed myself to feel wounded and how I have since experienced profound healing.

Nearly fourteen years ago, when I first transitioned to my new life as Brenda, I was the unexpected recipient of an amazing display of unconditional love that emanated from the heart of my sixteen year old daughter. In a time where I had already fully embraced the possibility that I may lose contact with everyone that I love, my daughter’s deep Christ-like love and involvement in my life came to me as an amazing and cherished blessing.

During that period of my life, I intuitively knew what I had to do to remain alive – but my confidence was lacking. After years of fighting with myself, in a desperate act of self preservation, I pushed my entire life out onto the poker table in front of me, fully recognizing that I may lose everything with the next deal of the cards. But I knew that if I didn’t take the risk that I would certainly die. Even if I somehow managed to not kill myself, I was already dying an emotional death, perpetuating depression that would eventually decay my body through overwhelming sadness and stress.

I half expected all of my children to reject and to hate me. The older two boys were already living away from home, and I feared that I may never regain their love and respect. But my daughter’s amazing support and beautiful unconditional love literally made it possible for me to have the courage to reach out in an attempt to maintain contact with all of my children, especially the three younger ones.

Then one day, after two or three years of basking in that beautiful loving connection with my four younger children, I suddenly realized that my daughter was no longer talking to me. I asked her questions, trying to understand what might have changed – but received no answers, simply blank stares. At the same time, I also noticed that the younger three children also seemed to be more distant than they had previously been.

I begged my former wife to share any insights that she might know. She had only sketchy details herself, but reluctantly shared with me the disturbing news as she interpreted it. To this day, I still do not know the truth from my daughter’s viewpoint. All I know are the few bits and pieces that I was given second hand – those being the story of how someone in the church told my daughter that loving me unconditionally as she had been doing was actually trapping me in my sins – keeping me from repenting and returning to the fold. Someone had given my daughter the notion that the only way to really love me was to temporarily withhold her love until I repented.

As I heard these devastating words, I was heartbroken. My emotions remained in utter turmoil for several years. I felt as if my daughter and I were both victims of the judgment of a well-meaning but misguided church leader. From today’s perspective, I now realize that what happened was part of a process that needed to happen and to unfold exactly as it did. But at the time I felt as if my entire life had once-again been ripped out from under me. Ironically, I was at the time, pursuing rebaptism in the Mormon faith – but that is another long story for another day.

I never judged my daughter for what happened, but I feared that she judged me greatly. I felt that she was as much a victim as was I, and I longed for the opportunity to heal the relationship. One day, just over six years ago, I did indeed achieve much of that healing in a way that rocked my world. I was not able to heal my daughter’s pain, but through one of the therapeutic emotional healing workshops where I volunteered, I benefited from a profound experience that gave me deep personal insight into the pain that my children must be feeling – seeing our relationship through their eyes rather than through my own.

At that time in August of 2004, my entire life perspective changed. I began to understand the difference between conditional and unconditional love, and I set my goals on a new standard. I developed a profound desire to learn how to love my children unconditionally – loving them with no hopeful expectations – shining love in their direction with no ulterior motive or hidden desire – ignoring events that seemed to figuratively stab me in the heart – simply doing the right thing for the right reason while expecting nothing back.

In the process of that amazing healing I shed boatloads of tears that resulted in me feeling more energized and alive than I had felt in years. Almost immediately, I noticed a profound energy shift in my relationship with most of my children – even though they had been completely unaware of my processing. Whether they shifted at the same time as me, I do not know. I only know that my personal shift caused me to see the whole relationship dynamic in entirely different ways.

Since that time, the journey of the past six years has been a roller coaster ride of unexpected joys and scary nail-biting curves. I would be greatly deceiving myself if I were to try to say that my relationship with family is perfect and healed. A huge gulf of awkwardness still exists between us. I have no doubt that my children love me profoundly, and I know for a fact that my love for them is deep and unconditional – but the little details about religious and value differences still seem to create an ever-present elephant in the room. My children cannot relate to the many changes and shifts (both physical and spiritual) that I have made in my life, and I know that I could never go back to the beliefs of my past – beliefs that are still an integral part of their lives.

So for now, I still choose to simply live my life in the most genuine way possible while continuing my quest to send love through my heart and other energetic pathways.

I do have to admit, however, that as I write these words, my eyes are again tearing up. There are obviously deeper emotions that I still need to bring into the light so that they may heal.

Triggered Trauma

So now you have the background – the details of why the brief story of Jim Garrison in Caroline Myss’s book had such an emotional impact on my soul. Tears began to stream down my cheeks when I read Jim Garrison’s own words saying “I heard her tell the children that they could have more candy if they would agree not to play with me until I accepted Christ.”

I was shocked by the intensity of my triggered emotions. I really had believed my past pain to be healed and behind me. The fact that my pain was still so raw caught me completely off guard.

I now understand that I tend to process my emotional pain in layers. At any given time, Spirit guides me to process what I am capable of handling. But if I don’t keep at it, the remainder stays stuffed and buried until further events trigger another encounter. The emotions that came up for me this past Tuesday were different – at a much deeper level – than those that I processed six years ago.

Immediately on recognizing the process through which I was passing, I isolated myself in my room and read Jim Garrison’s words over and over. Each time I read those words I paused while I burst out into a new round of tears, allowing another layer of emotions to come up and out. Finally, after what must have been nearly an hour, I was able to read those words without experiencing the same depth of triggered emotion.

After a brief rest, I returned to my closed-door room to do some experiential emotional processing. I used to do this type of emotional work using teddy bears, but I have no such squishy animals here in Guatemala. Glancing on the floor by my bed, I noticed a large bag of wax candle refills. Grabbing seven of them, I arranged them in a semi circle on the bed in front of me. The seven candles represented emotional placeholders for my former wife and each of my six children.

For most of the next hour, I poured out my genuine love to my children and former wife, one proxy-candle at a time. I deeply apologized, cried alligator tears, sent unconditional love, shared feelings, and expressed my deepest joys and sorrows.

Even though my words did not reach the physical ears of my family, I believe with all my being that the energy of my heart-filled intentions was successfully transmitted instantly to their souls.

As I finally exited my bedroom on Tuesday afternoon, I felt as if my emotional backpack was another hundred pounds lighter. During my emotional processing I had reached a state of new understanding that had previously eluded me.

I suddenly found the hidden treasures in everything that has taken place with my children. First of all, I clearly recognized that my daughter’s early unconditional love was directly responsible for my present day ability to have some type of continued relationship with my children.

A deeper realization that surprised me beyond words, however, was my unexpected recognition that my daughter needed to pull away from me exactly when she did. It was an inspired process – something that had to happen.

As heartbreaking as that experience was in my life (and I am sure it was devastating for her as well), I now realize that I might not be here on my spiritual journey right now, doing what I am doing in Guatemala, had that gut-wrenching experience not happened.

I still resist admitting it, but I feel deep intuitive guidance telling me that my spiritual path will continue to take me on journeys that lead me further away from my family and their ability to follow. While I continue to hang onto the hope of closer, more genuine, and more frequent connections with my children and grandchildren, I also realize that I may not have been able to embrace my current spiritual journey had my relationship with the children been more deeply bonded at a physical level.

In a bizarre and confusing paradox, my intuition also tells me that the act of living my own life with no attachment to my children’s love is exactly what will eventually strengthen my bond with my children.

For this reason, I am deeply grateful for the lessons of love that I have processed this week. There is no doubt that I feel a profound love for my children. There is no doubt that I will always love them unconditionally, and that I will be there for them in any way possible during difficult times in which I may be invited to participate. But there is also no doubt that my path is taking me in directions where my children cannot currently follow.

I must follow my heart. I must listen to and be true to my intuitions. I can only trust that everything happens for a reason – reasons that are still beyond my wildest imagination.

But most of all, I will continue searching for the hidden treasures in everything around me. In amazing ways, the discovery of these hidden treasures has a profound way of shifting perceptions – a profound way of healing past wounds. All it takes is recognizing that everything happens for a reason, and that wonderful growth always seems to make itself available when we approach pain with an open mind and heart.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Eleven days have zoomed by since I last wrote – eleven days filled with the hustle and bustle of non-stop activity. To my own surprise, I have not felt much like writing during this busy interim. I have found myself even beginning to resent the feeling that I have an implied “obligation” to write. I fully realize that this “pressure-to-write” is self imposed, and have responded to my rebellious feelings by giving myself the freedom to simply settle-in a bit before again putting on my writing cap.

Three of those days were occupied by trips to Panajachel – trips to get cash, to shop for kitchen items, to purchase food staples, and to run miscellaneous errands. Four of those days were partially consumed with uploading of photos and the publishing of my first photos in over three months. The rest of the time has been a flurry of unplanned social activities and spiritual gatherings, intermingled with dedicated attempts to catch up on my backlog of email communications.

But it is not about this mundane activity that I desire to write. Instead, I feel a deep desire to document my emotional journey of this past week – a journey that again has me ripping down resistance layers of ego and fear.

Dr. Bill

During the first few days of my post-Sun-Course settling-in, Sandra shared a few details with me regarding a very interesting man that she had met. On the one hand, I found myself feeling deep resistance and judgment. On the other hand, a hidden part of me was deeply curious. Bill has developed what many of the local gringos refer to as the “zapper” – a little battery operated device that is capable of sending various frequencies of weak rhythmic electric shock pulses through the body via a small probe held in each hand.

For a couple of months I have overheard several of my friends talk about how they have been getting “zapper” treatments to kill certain types of intestinal parasites, claiming that the treatments actually killed their little internal nutrition suckers. I never publicly expressed my self-righteous judgments, but I invariably walked away from such conversations having a smug holier-than-thou resistance-filled attitude while silently proclaiming that I would never submit myself to believe in such silliness.

Yet something about Dr. Bill intrigued me, even though I had never had an encounter involving more than a mere handshake. My inner judgment and resistance fought to dismiss him as an inconsequential flake – but something inside of me bordered on extreme curiosity – an internal force telling me that once again it was time for me to lower my defenses and to forget everything that I think I know.

A few days later I overheard someone say that Bill was teaching classes. Still not sure if I would attend, I made a mental note of the place and times. On Tuesday of last week I responded to a last-minute prompting and found myself walking across San Marcos with the intention to attend a class taught by this very intriguing man. I ended up participating in four such classes last week.

The essence of Bill’s teachings involved spiritual psychology regarding the undoing of the ego, combined with a fascinating mix of stories regarding his lifetime of Shamanic experiences. I did not realize it at the time, but Bill himself is a Shaman.

On that first Tuesday, Bill brought a zapper with him. After just a few minutes of group zapping, I found my frozen ice-cold resistance melting into a puddle of nothingness.

But it was not the zapper that most fascinated me. Instead it was Bill’s story. Bill grew up in the northern Midwest of the United States. I know only sketchy details, but I will share a few things that I have gleaned over a period of four classes. Bill’s grandfather was a shaman – from what shamanic tradition I do not know. Bill’s mother had not embraced her father’s traditions, choosing instead to follow a traditional Christian path. But at the same time, Bill’s mother allowed her father to teach shamanistic traditions to Bill beginning at a very young age.

In our classes, Bill has shared many fascinating stories regarding his Shamanic and Astral experiences – many of which began at the young age of three. Shortly after finishing high school, Bill completed his first University degree, most of which was doubled up with his high school education. During his lifetime (I would guess he is probably about my age or a little older), Bill has had over seventeen years of University education. I do know that he is a Chiropractor and also has a Masters degree in tropical medicine. Bill has also briefly hinted about having once been a psychology professor – but again I have only gleaned little snippets from classroom discussion.

What most fascinates me about this amazing man is his devotion to providing free medicine to indigenous people in the jungles of Guatemala. His love is to go deep into the jungles, visiting remote groups of Mayan people who have no other access to medical assistance. He has talked about loading up mules and hiking ten hours into the backcountry. In other places he has been dropped off by a helicopter. He usually stays in these remote locations, places with no electricity or water, for up to two weeks at a time while operating a free medical clinic for the local indigenous people of the area. Not only does Bill give away western medical assistance, but he also freely uses his shamanic training to provide various forms of spiritual healings.

Through several of his classes, I have experienced a silent little voice in the back of my heart begging me to get to know Bill better – telling me that I should strongly entertain the possibility of volunteering with Bill on one or more of his future expeditions. Right now, because of personal issues, Bill is taking a breather from such backcountry treks – but my persistent little voice is letting me know that participating in such an adventure is a very strong possibility.

But my encounters with Bill are also filled with an almost continuous background noise of resistance – resistance that wants to doubt, to question, to be skeptical, to be cautious. All week long, I have found myself engaged in a deep ongoing internal debate – a quiet pensive battle in which I am constantly questioning myself regarding “What is spirit?” and “What is Ego?”

Do I want to get to know Bill better because of spiritual promptings telling me to lower my defenses, quietly whispering that I need to open new doors of possibility? Or do I want to get to know Bill better because Ego thinks it would be incredible to learn more about his Shamanic background and that I could have some real fun writing about such a deep-jungle adventure while immersing myself into new cultural experiences.

The answers are still not been clear.

Deeping Resistance

Just as with my Sun Course, I have been deeply puzzled by the intensity of my resistance. Frequently, during the last ten days, I have found myself engaged in deep discussions with Sandra regarding my confusion about why this resistance seems to be boiling so furiously within my soul. As I explained to Sandra during many delightful one-on-one conversations, my resistance is not just about Bill – it is about a wide range of topics: alternative therapies, nutritional and health-food issues, Kabala, two specific healers here in San Marcos, various new-age healing techniques, and the list goes on ad infinitum.

I feel a need to explain that I feel absolutely no judgment toward these various topics themselves. I firmly believe that they are all based on the powerful manifestations of belief systems. When we believe something with deep conviction, we literally make it true for ourselves. Instead, my resistance is based on the fact that I don’t want to submit myself to these belief systems. I have my own cherished beliefs that have brought me powerful healing. I have believed that the “A Course In Miracles (ACIM)” path that I am already on is all I need to find that sought-after prize of enlightenment.

Somehow, in the depths of my mind, I have rationalized that my ACIM beliefs are “more mainstream”, perhaps more acceptable to society in general. If I am truthful with myself, my resistance of many new experiences has been all about belief systems and healing modalities that are more on the “fringe of the weird” – those beliefs bordering on the occult and more mystical traditions.

It all boils down to my struggling with the “Spiritual Doreen” personality that I processed during my Sun Course silence. As you may remember, I dabbled somewhat in personality healing regarding rejected personality aspects that caused me to project irrational judgment onto others. One of my biggest judgments had been aimed at flamboyant mystics – mainly aimed at the famous psychic and author, Doreen Virtue. I had once seen her speak and had totally rejected what I had judged as a flamboyant ego presentation of weirdness. I made up my mind at that time that I would never allow myself to appear to be like her.

If I am honest, my continuing resistance is still aimed at perceived weirdness. This is why I earnestly battled with my internal guidance to participate in the Sun Course. I had been trying to shun the image of those “crazy psychics” who work with Tarot, astrology, numerology, alchemy, and energy work in general. The last thing I wanted to do was to embrace such weird beliefs in myself. This is why I also had no desire to study Reiki. Now, I am a Reiki master, and have a greater appreciation for all of the above mentioned fields of study. I was forced to swallow my pride and resistance before allowing myself to embrace new opportunities for growth and understanding.

Prior to my Moon Course, all of these spiritual studies were unknown to me, yet I believed that they were weird and bizarre. I resisted them. I (Ego) wanted to have a wholesome spiritual image. Yes, I had a very spiritual Ego that wanted to be sure that I always looked good – not only to my conservative family and friends, but to society in general. Dabbling on the psychic fringes was the last thing that I had wanted to do. Today, I clearly understand that those fears were based on Ego.

Crystal Clarity

In the year prior to beginning my “Brenda’s Bicycles” journey through Mexico and Central America, I had previously faced my fears of one such alternative healing modality. Through my psychic friend Trish, I had learned about a man who performed healings using crystals.

“How stupid can that be?” was my initial reaction. But a deep curiosity drove me to schedule an appointment with him just a few months later. I had to know more. My heart would not let me brush away the idea. After that first session with Mont, my whole view of life shifted.

As the Universe often does, my first visit to Mont was blessed with an unexpected synchronicity – one that was very powerful for me. Literally, just over an hour before our visit, I had recognized strong and sudden symptoms of a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). I had suffered through many UTIs in the past, and I knew that for me they always seemed to come on suddenly, hitting me with furious intensity during the first night.

Already knowing what I had (based on vivid and painful past experience) I rushed over to a small medical clinic. To my amazement, they took me right in. After a quick urine check, they confirmed my self-diagnosis. Fifteen minutes later I had filled a prescription for antibiotics, placed the first pill on my tongue, and guzzled a swig of water to wash it down.

By the time I had finished this frantic rushing around, I still had less than 30 minutes remaining before my appointment with Mont was scheduled to begin. Because of past experience, there was no doubt in my mind that my symptoms would continue to worsen for about twelve hours before beginning to subside. I was not looking forward to a long night of running to the bathroom every ten minutes. I seriously considered calling Mont to cancel my appointment, but as I briefly meditated on “what to do”, a strong peace filled my heart telling me that the entire experience was a “setup by the Universe” – a setup that I had to see through to the end.

To make a long story short, my experience with Mont was amazing. Many times during our four-hour session I experienced the sensation of powerful energy rushing through various parts of my body, at times causing my legs to shake and vibrate as if a large electrical current were being channeled through me. Yes, I did have to get off the table two or three times during that extended session – but there is no doubt in my mind that I would have needed to run to the restroom at least thirty or forty times during that same four hour period if I had instead chosen to go home.

Mont brought an amazing peaceful energy to my body and soul, and by the end of the evening I literally felt healed and whole. To my delight and surprise, when I finally made it home to my own cozy bed, I was able to sleep through the entire night without getting up even one time. Yes, I completed my course of antibiotics “just in case”, but to this day my heart tells me that I had been healed that very night.

In a second visit with Mont, nearly a year later, shortly before beginning my current travels, my experience with Mont was quite different but equally peaceful and healing. During that session, Mont added amazing and resonating clarity to my “upside down bicycle dream”, further adding to my convictions regarding my need to travel and to write.

Chaotic Crystal Craziness

In mid-May, shortly after beginning my Moon Course, I discovered that there was a woman named Merrill here in San Marcos who was recommended as a powerful crystal healer. As I accompanied my friend Sam into Merrill’s home one day, I felt a strong intuition telling me to make an appointment with her. I was eager to have another experience similar to the ones I had experienced with Mont back home.

Before now, I have never written about my experience with Merrill, partly because I stopped writing during the Moon Course, but mostly because the experience turned out to be quite negative for me. I felt as if Merrill had been (excuse my French) a pushy bitch. Several things that she had told me simply did not feel right. In a wimpy door-mat response, I remained silent, stuffing my feelings down, burying my anger and my resistance, and enduring a long five hour session while silently fuming inside.

Before continuing, I need to interject that in these words I am documenting an emotional journey through which I passed. As usual, it turns out that my bad experience was all based on my own unhealed projections – all an inside job – but for a considerable time after this experience I tried to project blame and judgment outward onto Merrill. If you choose to not read on, please know that as of yesterday, I have successfully resolved my ongoing journey of craziness. I now experience a feeling of deep love and appreciation for Merrill.

But now, back to the story from May 13 …

After having left Merrill’s home shortly after 5:30 p.m. that evening, I found myself waiting in tears near the entrance of the pyramid temple – hoping to have a chat with a few of my friends as they emerged from the evening meditation that I had unexpectedly missed due to the extended length of my session with Merrill.

In the weeks and months that followed, I have projected considerable judgment onto Merrill. I tried not to gossip or to spread negative opinions about her, but invariably, as I have overheard others discussing the topic, I felt compelled to add a few of my own negative projections – warning others to be cautious and empowered – always couching my negative words with the biased opinion that “Merrill has many amazing psychic abilities, but insisting that she clouds it with her own unhealed perspectives.”

From May 13 onward, the thought of going back for a repeat visit with Merrill was akin to one of my worst nightmares. I think I would have rather been tasked with scrubbing every toilet in the village of San Marcos rather than returning to her treatment room.

One of several things that I had been most angry about during my session was that Merrill had the audacity to bluntly demand that it was time for me to stop sending support payments to my former wife. Yes, I had already known that the time for such a decision was not too far into the distant future, but I deeply resented Merrill’s words.

“How dare she make such a pushy and bold statement!” I thought to myself, “She does not have a clue as to the difficult healing journey that I have been on. She is not in a position to know better than me, just what it is that I need to do regarding this emotional wormhole of a topic.”

In fact, after talking to Merrill, I had redoubled my conviction to continue support payments, even though my obligation was completed. My heart and guilt simply would not let me stop. I was prepared to continue payments until I was penniless if that is what my heart continued to guide me to do.

Ironically, it was only a day or two later when I experienced a powerful past life regression where I was a Peruvian fisherman and farmer, raising a young girl who just happened to have the face and spirit of my former wife.

That amazing experience, whether it was real or imagined, served to release shiploads of mucky guilt from my soul while reinforcing an inner realization that perhaps the Universe was indeed telling me that the time to make excruciatingly difficult decisions was nearer than I wanted to admit.

The rest is history, and is already written in prior journal entries. Frequent dreams continued to trigger deep intuitive realizations that the time for painful choices had arrived – but I continued to ignore all such intuitions until yet another powerful dream visited me at the beginning of my Sun Course.

As I grappled with these unfolding promptings and intuitions, I began to soften my anger and resentment at Merrill – realizing that she had been right all along. At that time, I shifted from believing that she was the Devil, to simply believing that she had deep intuition, but she did not always know how to properly deliver her psychic messages without tainting them.

However I continued to soften my heart as one day I made a powerful breakthrough in forgiveness and releasing judgment. Right before beginning my 40 days of silence, I bumped into Merrill while looking for the town doctor to consult about a parasite tests. Swallowing my pride and humbling my heart, I approached her with a profound apology.

“Merrill,” I began, “I need to apologize to you.”

After she asked me why, I continued, “Because after our visit in May, I resented you and carried around considerable judgment and anger at you for what you said and how you said it. I need to tell you now that I am sorry, and to tell you that you were right about what I needed to do.”

What ensued was a very pleasant and healing conversation.

Throughout the remainder of my Sun Course, my understanding of Merrill continued to soften as other things she had told me began to make sense – but even with all of my forgiveness and attitude shifting, I still preferred the thought of scrubbing toilets over returning to see her again for yet another appointment.

Resistance is Futile

Last Wednesday, as I walked away from my second class with Dr. Bill, my dear friend Sharon (from my Sun Course) asked if I wanted to have lunch. As we started to walk away toward the restaurant, Sharon remembered that she wanted to pick up a crystal necklace that Merrill’s husband was finishing for her.

Feeling completely peaceful about following Sharon into Merrill’s home, I casually followed behind her. As I stepped across the threshold, I almost instantly became the unexpected recipient of a powerful flash of intuition.

“The time has arrived for you to face your fears and resistance.” The little Jedi voice silently whispered in my ear. “You need to schedule a new appointment with Merrill, and you need to talk to her about it today.”

Cowering in fear, I temporarily stuffed the intuition away, while at the same time realizing that there was no way that I was going to get out of this one. Two hours later, after Sharon and I enjoyed a delightful lake-view lunch, I retraced my steps back to Merrill’s small home.

Standing face to face with Merrill, I began to speak.

“My promptings are telling me that it is time to swallow my pride and to plow through my resistance.” I began. “I would like to schedule an appointment for next Monday. It is time for me to come back to see you again.”

Merrill just smiled as she told me that she had always known that I would be back to finish what we started.

A few minutes later I was climbing back up the steps of my second floor apartment. Peace filled my heart while a sense fearful resistance continued to beg for my attention.

Chocolate Covered Answers

For the remainder of last week, Sandra and I continued to have deep spiritual conversations in which we frequently discussed my puzzling journey of ego resistance. I was proud of myself for listening to the Jedi voices that told me to make the appointment. Something inside reassured me that the whole process of going back to see Merrill would be deeply healing for me – and that she had messages for me that no one else would give me.

I intuitively knew that many other people were capable of telling me what I needed to hear, but the message would only come through Merrill because I needed to plow through this new layer of fear and resistance.

In the back of my mind, I still considered the thought that I would rather begin scrubbing toilets. Even though I was determined to see this through, I began to feel huge butterflies in my stomach each time I pondered whether I had the proper emotional preparation to face Merrill from a space of pure unconditional love.

Sunday morning, as Sandra and I were discussing our respective plans for the day, I mentioned to her that I was thinking about going out to visit Keith (The Chocolate Shaman). There were a few things that I needed to tell him, and I was beginning to feel like it was time to go see him again. In my mind, I was envisioning that I would schedule the appointment for a few days out in the future.

Sandra first indicated that she wanted to walk out with me to schedule her own appointment, and that perhaps she would see him today (Sunday) if he had time. As she said those words, my own intuition screamed out “Brenda, you should see him today.”

To my amazement, Sandra then decided that Monday would be better for her, and simply asked me to make an appointment for her.

As I walked alone toward Keith’s home, a strong feeling prodded me that I actually needed to see Keith before visiting with Merrill on Monday.

For the first thirty minutes, Keith and I just talked business. He needed the email address of one of my friends, and I needed to share with him regarding a woman from Ottawa who had contacted me via my blog. She plans to come to San Marcos in early 2011, and would like to film a documentary. She wants to heavily involve Keith in her plans and has even opened the possibility of me being part of the documentary as well. I have no attachment to anything whatsoever – but am deeply intrigued by the possibilities.

As Keith and I finished talking about busywork topics, I again looked him in the eye and asked for an appointment. As usual, I was not the least bit surprised when he responded “I am free right now.”

In past appointments, even though I have approached Keith with no agenda whatsoever, the topic of our session has always easily presented itself in an intuitive manner, usually through Keith. Sunday was quite the different experience. After meditating for a few minutes, Keith’s only words to me were “Brenda, I am being guided today to ask you to tell us where we need to take today’s session”

While feeling slightly disappointed that I was tasked with finding the answer, I proceed to close my eyes in meditation. I didn’t like my assigned task. I felt resistant to having to be the one to receive the guidance. I was feeling spiritually disconnected – something that I had rarely felt while sitting in a session with Keith.

As I continued to meditate and resist, the only thing that kept popping into my mind was how much resistance I felt, and how I have been grappling with this resistance all week.

Still feeling quite disconnected and resistant, I finally opened my eyes and told Keith that I think we need to discuss my confusing resistance. I told him about my upcoming appointment with Merrill, and about my week-long search to further understand why such resistance to alternative therapies is so strong in me.

For the next fifteen minutes, Keith used several meditative techniques in an attempt to guide me into deeper understanding. Throughout this preliminary time, I felt quite confused by the continued emptiness in my heart. Spiritual connectedness seemed to be skillfully evading me.

Finally, as my frustration began to reach its peak, I recognized the intensity with which I was deeply resisting the process of facing and analyzing my resistance.

I chuckled out loud when the absurdity of this paradoxical situation hit me between the eyes. As soon as I brought the light of awareness to this resistance paradox, peace began to settle back into my heart, spiritual connectedness began to grace me with its presence.

As sessions with Keith go, yesterday’s was the most simple of any I have had. After perhaps 90 minutes, I was happy and filled with deep peace.

In the midst of our discussion, Keith had guided me to discover a beautiful safe space – one that I could now use in my session with Merrill. The safe space involved an imaginary shelf where I could place uncomfortable items for later analysis. If Merrill were to tell me something that causes deep resistance to swell in my heart, I can simply put that thought on an imaginary shelf for later examination. There would be no need for me to stuff emotions nor would I feel a desire to confront her in any way.

Deep peace filled my heart as I basked in the realization that I would be able to listen to Merrill with a completely open heart and mind. If resistance were to surface in my session with her, I had a beautiful choice. On the one hand I could respond with love and explore the resistance with her. On the other hand, I could simply take any areas that caused me confusion and push them onto the imaginary shelf. Then, at a later time, as I meditate on the issue, I can use my own heart filter to discover my own personal truth.

Clarity filled my heart as I recognized that I have developed a profound ability to trust intuitive promptings over the last several years. With absolute faith, I have so much confidence in the Jedi voices of my heart that I would trust my life to their whisperings.

On the other hand, I suddenly realized while talking with Sandra on Sunday that I have been using my intuitive connection at far too coarse of a level. Many times in the past, I have taken such intuition at an “all or nothing” level. I have assumed that if I am intuitively guided to visit a certain therapist, then this means that I need to listen and believe what they tell me.

I broke this mold when I began to do the Sun Course “with an attitude”. Yet, during my first visit with Merrill I was still stuck in the trap. Yes, I had been deeply guided to see her, but at the same time I had struggled with her message. As fate would have it, it was as a result of my session with her that my desire to question authority was so deeply strengthened.

It is all so clear to me now. My experience with Merrill nearly five months ago was designed to teach me this very lesson. In fact, I firmly believe that the manner in which she delivered her messages to me at that time was also inspired. Perhaps if she had not been so forceful with me, I would not have remembered the things she said with such emotional conviction.

I now believe with all my heart that Merrill triggered powerful and much-needed growth that I may not have found in any other manner. In fact, I may not have uncovered the strength to “do the Sun Course with an attitude” had it not been for my seeming emotional confrontation with Merrill.

Yes, as a direct result of my May 13 session with Merrill (which by the way was on the exact 13^th anniversary of my rebirth as Brenda), I began a new phase of my life – a journey where I began to refine my application of spiritual intuition at a much finer level – a level where I now feel free to embrace or to ignore selective elements of an inspired encounter based on the trusted filter of my own heart.

As my session with Keith moved beyond my upcoming appointment with Merrill, I began to silently meditate while basking in the pure spiritual love that filled my heart.

Soon, I began to feel deep inspiration telling me that the time was approaching for me to begin filtering everything that I think I know using this much more refined level of intuition. As I verbally told Keith that I was feeling intuitively guided to question everything I believe, Keith gave me a better option – one that deeply resonated with my heart.

“Brenda,” Keith began, “if you were to do that it could be extremely overwhelming. I would like to suggest instead that you put everything you believe up on the same imaginary shelf that we have created for your session tomorrow with Merrill.”

After making this suggestion, Keith then told me to frequently connect with my higher self and to ask that it take things down off the shelf and bring them to me one at a time, in the proper order, allowing me to look at each belief as guided by Spirit. I felt so much relief as I pondered Keith’s suggestion. There was no doubt in my mind that if I had tried to do it my way, I would surely have felt overwhelmed and simply abandoned the project.

I now look forward to beginning this process as soon as some free time materializes.

Resistance 101

In the background of all of this, another parallel thread of resistance has been developing with a beautiful intuitive therapist here in town named Nadia. During my Sun Course, Sandra had told me what an amazingly intuitive woman that Nadia is – telling me how much she loved Nadia and how much she trusted her intuitions.

I was so intrigued with Sandra’s recommendation that I scheduled a massage with Nadia during the first week of my silence. This was the first massage I have had for over a year, and I was looking forward to a little relief from my tightening back muscles.

I had a beautiful experience with Nadia, but because I was in silence, I could not really converse with her – I did not have the opportunity to get to know her.

As the Sun Course came to an end, and as I reached clarity that I would be staying around for an open-ended period to study and grow with Keith, Sandra told me that Nadia had just announced that she was going to begin a new two-month healing course. The course was singing to Sandra’s heart and she had decided to participate.

Even though I will not begin studying with Keith until late November, I felt absolutely no desire to study with Nadia myself. The subject matter of the course involves a variety of alternative therapies, most of which sent my resistance into orbit.

Yes, I was absolutely excited that Sandra would be staying as well, and that we would be renting an apartment together. I was thrilled that the subject matter of Nadia’s course was singing to Sandra, but to me the same music sounded like an off-key choir of mute singers.

As I look back, my thoughts about Nadia’s course were probably the originators of my intense resistance battle during the past two weeks. Yes, I have to admit that a deeply hidden part of me was deeply curious about Nadia’s course, while a major ego part of me was screaming loudly “no way will I do that myself … I want to have the next two months free to do my own quite retreat-like experience while I prepare to study with Keith.”

Marvelous Merrill

The story only gets more interesting from here. Yesterday as I spent four hours with Merrill, I had a wonderful experience. Not once did she say or do anything to trigger any negative feelings in me whatsoever. Yes, there were several things that I put on the shelf last night as I began to try to remember all of the things we discussed during that long session – but I came away feeling happy, balanced, and eager to process my experiences and resulting emotions.

One thing that had puzzled me was that Merrill pointed out how much sadness, victimization, and anger that I was still feeling and exuding through my energy. I was completely surprised by her statement, yet without resisting I opened my mind to the possibility that there might be some truth in her words. As she held her hand over my heart, describing the confusing energy waves that were leaving my body, I simultaneously felt the emotions of sadness and victimization enter my confused mind.

During the session I had begun to realize that many suppressed emotions were indeed struggling for release. Most of those emotions were centered around the fact that my heart wanted to do certain things – yet lingering feelings of guilt, fears about what others might think, and strong resistance issues were all contributing to the continued suppression of deeply held heart desires.

As I walked away from Merrill’s home, having had what felt like an amazing experience (an experience which I may or may not write about further), I was still experiencing the puzzling feelings of emotional suppression regarding the unidentified desires of my heart that were still being suppressed. I intuitively knew that my heart indeed wanted freedom to expand in ways that were still not being allowed by ego.

Confusion Central

As I arrived back at my apartment, shortly after 1:30 p.m., my dear friend Sharon was on the porch chatting with my neighbor. I greeted Sharon with a loving smile, but quickly indicated my desire to go inside to write and to process my experience with Merrill.

But as Sharon and I began briefly chatting, I felt deep intuition to delay my own ponderings and to continue the friendly discussion with Sharon.

Sharon was in the midst of trying to figure out her own next move – trying to decode her own heart’s desires as to whether she should remain longer in San Marcos or whether her heart wanted her to travel some more – a classic battle between head and heart – a debate in which the role of ego and Spirit were very elusive.

Sharon was sitting on the fence about possibly participating in Nadia’s healing course. I did my best to hold a high-vibration energy space while occasionally asking thoughtful questions or relaying messages – the source of which seemed to be channeled through me. As I did this, I continuously focused on striving to be useful in helping Sharon find her own inspired clarity from within, while at the same time being as careful as possible to not interject my own personal opinions or biases.

After a while, Sandra arrived, and the three of us engaged in yet another similar conversation in a search to help inspire internal clarity.

As this conversation unfolded, I felt my own tug-of-war. A large part of me wanted to excuse myself to go write, but intuition strongly guided me to remain present in the conversation.

As the afternoon grew late, Sandra indicated that she needed to go talk to Nadia about something. Sharon soon indicated that she wanted to go too, and I felt a spark of intuition telling me to tag along. I wanted to ask Nadia about the possibility of attending a short portion of her class – a segment dealing with Sacred Geometry – without having to commit to the entire course.

To my amazement, as Sandra, Sharon, and I sat with Nadia in her living room, Sharon suddenly blurted out that she has decided to stay in San Marcos to participate in Nadia’s course. The next thing I know, I am asking Nadia about the possibility of attending only the Sacred Geometry section. I was quite please when Nadia indicated that she would have no problem with that.

What came out of my mouth next totally caught me off guard. I found myself expressing deep curiosity about the entire two month course, asking Nadia to explain it all to me. As Nadia lovingly described the various topics we would be working with – most of which still did not resonate with me – I found myself telling her that my intuitions are deeply intrigued with the possibility of doing the entire course – and that my present internal guidance was telling me that attending the course was a likely outcome of my searching.

As if the Universe had it all planned, Sandra mentioned that we were all going to the Japanese restaurant for a quick dinner. Seconds later, Nadia asked if she and her husband could join us. Something inside of me was quite clearly guiding me to make the decision to do the course – but I was not quite clear whether the goal of the intuition was for me to do the course, or if I was simply being guided to drop my resistance by expressing my open willingness top study with Nadia.

Sleeping For Clarity

As my head hit the pillow last night, I felt deep guidance telling me that I would be participating in Nadia’s entire two-month course. At the same time, however, I felt a strong intuition telling me that I needed to sleep on it in order to see how I feel about it on the next day (today, Tuesday).

As I awoke this morning at 3:15 a.m., I soon found myself sitting cross legged on my pillow, meditating for over thirty minutes, seeking further clarity and guidance. The only thing I felt was confusion, exhaustion, and frustration. I was disconnected from Spirit – disconnected from Higher Self. My doubts had taken over, and my fears were once again telling me “No, do not even consider Nadia’s class.”

Around 7:00 a.m., Sandra and I had a delightful spiritual conversation, one in which I again expressed my festering pool of confusion and doubts. But I was not doing so as a victim seeking advice, I was doing so as an interested third-party observer. I simply described the inner battle that I was witnessing unfold inside of me. Even in the midst of my confusion, I remained detached from the outcome, deeply trusting that what I was experiencing is a part of my growth process.

As I sat discussing my internal observations with Sandra, I was deeply inspired by a few strong intuitions. The first that hit me was that I needed to cry – I needed to access and release the store of buried emotions causing this internal battle. The second intuition that hit me was that I needed to spend today writing. Intuitively I knew that writing about this journey would help me sort out all of the confusing threads of the past few months – I knew that writing would bring the clarity that I lovingly seek. The third intuition was that tomorrow I will again go visit with Keith. I do not yet know why, but I know it is all related to my growth and healing – all related to my efforts to dissolve the ego resistance that is preventing my heart from fully blooming.

Amazingly, I have now completed the first two intuitions. Shortly after 7:30 a.m., Sandra left for a day trip to run errands in Panajachel. Within minutes I was playing a song on my IPOD – a song that flashed into my mind as the source of much-needed tears. The song was “Close Your Eyes” by Michael and Jeff McLean – the same song which I have highlighted several times in my blog. This beautiful little song deals in a beautiful way with facing fears and with reconnecting to Source – both of which I desperately needed to do.

As I began listening to this inspired music, I spent most of the next hour sobbing and meditating over the feelings in my heart. Shortly before 9:00 a.m. I began today’s writing marathon, stopping only for a delicious lunch of my favorite vegetarian burritos. The more I have written, the more my passions have flowed – the more my internal clarity has surfaced.

Tonight, at shortly before 5:30 p.m., deep clarity now resonates with my soul. I have before me a powerful opportunity. Nadia is indeed a deeply intuitive woman with an amazing toolbox of alternative healing skills and talents. While I may not currently resonate with all of the topics of her upcoming class, my heart is clearly telling me that I cannot and must not pass up this opportunity to rub shoulders with an amazing healer.

I believe that what the Universe is telling me is that I need to do the healing course – but that I need to do it with my eyes wide open – doing it with my intuitive heart filter finely tuned to my own higher self. If I do so, I will have amazing growth that will bless my life and guide me further down my own passionate path to be a healer – a healer of my own life – and if so guided, a healer that can help to inspire others to heal their own issues.

In many ways this whole process reminds me of my resistance battle with doing the Sun Course. One thing that I have powerfully learned is that when deep intuitions are involved, resistance is still futile.

I think I will reserve my final decision till tomorrow morning, but I have a strong feeling that come October 13, I will begin yet another fascinating journey into the hidden realm of my heart – a journey into a two month healing class where I will have the opportunity to learn from an amazingly intuitive woman.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

It has taken me three days on awkward internet connections, but I have finally finished uploading a collection of photos that stretch back to right before beginning my Sun Course.

As usual, each of these photos is a thumbnail image along with a short description. If anyone wants to see or download a high resolution image, you can simply click on the photo itself to do so.

Post Tropical Storm Agatha

During my first few days back in San Marcos, the aftermath of Tropical Storm Agatha was still very much on my mind. As you may recall, the tropical storm came raging through Guatemala right after the end of my Moon Course at the end of May.

When I returned to San Marcos in late June, I was very surprised by how little cleanup work had been done in the river channel. These first photos were taken on June 18, right as the cleanup was underway.

In this photo, a group of Mayan women stand on the main bridge at the edge of town, watching as heavy equipment begins to clear the twelve-foot-deep river channel just above the bridge. Notice that the bridge is still plugged up completely, with pools of water spilling over the top of the bridge.

This is the same photo taken a little further away. You can see how the bridge was heavily damaged and is still completely plugged with flash-flood debris. I like this photo because it gives you a little view of the mountains in the background as well.

This photo was taken from the same spot, only looking downstream, away from the bridge toward the lake. you can see that there are large piles of rock on both sides of the channel. The lower part down by the soccer field has been mostly cleared. The upper part in the foreground is still quite shallow and plugged by mud and rocks.

In this photo, I am standing on the west edge of the bridge, looking across the bridge to the east. In the distance you can see the road curve off to the left. It is this road that I follow on a ten minute walk out to Keith’s home (The Chocolate Shaman).

Notice the Mayan man carrying some hand tools that he was using to help clear debris — and notice the huge piles of rock on both sides of the road where rocks have been removed from the channel below. For the next 50 yards of so, the road is still covered with about five feet of rocks.

In this photo, a young Mayan man is working hard at manual labor, clearing mud and rocks away from the chain-link bundles of rock that line the river channel synthroid generique.

This photo was taken from down below the soccer field (closer to the lake), looking back up toward the bridge which is just to the right of the blue building.

A little more of the damage down by the soccer field.

Even in the midst of so much damage, people were gathering various size rocks to use in new construction around the town.

Around The Pyramids

This next group of photos was taken on August 31 when I was already in silence.

This is a photo of Chaty’s beautiful home as seen from the lake side.

I have frequently written about the muddy paths around town. This one runs right by the lower part of the pyramids. The photo was taken a few hours after a large storm.

 

This dirt path runs right through the middle of the pyramids, joining the upper area to the lower area. During a storm, this becomes a small river.

This is the little one-bed pyramid that I called home for three months.

A piece of bathroom-wall poetry that I quoted a few times in my blog. These words deeply inspired me.

A beautiful little outdoor common area where many of us sat during periods of sunny weather.

The little “Sun Temple” pyramid where we had classes every morning (except Sunday) at 8:30 a.m.

Not the best photo in the world, but I threw it in just for an example. Throughout the pyramid area, many exotic spiders created beautiful spiral webs in the trees.

Several times in the middle of the night when walking down to the restroom, I would accidently brush into a new web-in-progrss that was being built across the path. I learned to always shine my flashlight up to check for webs before walking down the path at 2:00 a.m.

A view looking through my open front door. My room was a tiny bit cluttered here, but you get the picture. I loved the room, but it did get quite musty and moldy inside. The room was quite dark, and I kept the door and window mostly closed in order to keep mosquitos out — plus I lived here during the heart of rainy season.

This little spider came to watch me write. This photo was taken on Sept 5. He was perched about four feet above my head, near the peak of my pyramid. I’m guessing he would measure about three inches across from leg-tip to leg-tip.

Same spider, six days later. He is also watching me write some more.

This and the next two photos were taken three days after the Sun Course ended — on the day that I had to move out. This is the small desk in my pyramid bedroom. On the table is my loaf of whole-wheat bread for my daily peanut butter and honey sandwiches …

This is the inside of my bedroom — very cozy.

Another view of the outside of my room.

My Sun Course Group – Pre Silence

The following photos were taken in the Pyramids garden on the day before we entered silence. Katie needed to be out running errands, so she is not in these photos…

Left to right: Marcel, Narkis, Leif, Sandra, Sharon, N’himsa, Brenda

Marcel, Leif, and N’himsa

Sharon and Sandra

Narkis and Marcel

Sun Course Graduation

We graduated on the morning of September 21, 2010. These photos were taken shortly before entering the pyramid temple at 8:30 a.m.

Sharon

Sharon, Brenda, Narkis, and Sandra

Sandra, my beautiful roommate.

N’himsa and Leif

Brenda and Sandra

Bottom Front: Zeus, the wonder dog
Front Row: Leif, Katie, Narkis, Sandra, N’himsa
Back Row: Brenda, Sharon, Marcel

Front Row: Leif, Katie, Narkis, Sandra, N’himsa
Back Row: Brenda, Sharon, Marcel

Front Row: Leif, Katie, Narkis, Chaty, Sandra, N’himsa
Back Row: Brenda, Sharon, Marcel

Zeus and Narkis

Marcel and Katie

Katie and Brenda

Chaty walking up the path as she prepares to lead us in our final graduation ceremony.

Sandra inhaling the Sun

Sandra in the sun.

Narkis, Sandra, and Pauli

Sharon and Marcel

Brenda and Sandra

Left to Right: Brenda, Narkis, Marcel, Sharon, N’himsa, Sandra, Katie

Standing in front of our little pyramid temple: Seated in front: Sharon
Back Row: Marcel, Leif, Sandra, N’himsa, Katie

Left to right: Seated in Front: Sharon
Back Row: Brenda, Leif, N’himsa, Sandra, Katie

Sandra and Katie

After graduation, preparing to eat breakfast at a beautiful site by the lake.
Brenda, Sandra, Sharon, Narkis, Leif, Marcel, Katie, N’himsa

At Breakfast: Katie and Sandra

At Breakfast: Sandra and Narkis

At Breakfast: Narkis and Sharon

At Breakfast: N’himsa and Leif

At Breakfast: Marcel

At Breakfast: Brenda and N’himsa

Pre-School Photos

Just around the corner from the pyramids is this cute little pre-school. One day when I walked by (Aug 31) the children were playing basketball, even with uniforms. They were so cute that I could not resist taking a few photos.

Another photo of the pre-school children playing basketball.

Some little boys at the same pre-school, enjoying some fun on the monkey bars.

Guatemala’s Independence Day

About two weeks later, I walked by the same pre-school and watched as the children participated in a darling Independence day ceremony. Guatemala’s official Independence Day is Sept 15. This particular activity took place on the 13th.

I loved the little boys’ traditional costumes. The little girls wear the same colorful dresses every day, but the boys only dress up like this on special occasions.

Another photo of the children’s ceremony.

In the entire time I have lived here in San Marcos, I have only seen police officers a couple of times. These two were riding through town in preparation for the Independence Day parade which took place in the morning on Sept 15.

I took quite a few photos at the little home-town parade. I was quite surprised by the number of entries from local schools.

This is a band from one of the older schools groups. Their selection of instruments was quite meager, but they seemed to be having a great time.

More of the same band. This band, and probably many of the others, have been practicing in various parts of San Marcos most every day for the last month or two. The penetrating beat of these big base drums can be heard all over the town.

Some of the youth carying the colorful Guatemalan flags

An ensemble of beauty queens from the various schools in town. They really start young here.

Another group marching in the parade.

The woman carrying the pink umbrella makes the best veggie burritos I have ever eaten. She works in one of the restaurants where I frequently eat lunch.

Some darling children carrying Guatemalan flags.

I loved these little homemade pictures that these children are carrying. The green bird with the long tail is the Quetzal bird — the national bird of Guatemala.

Zoomed photo of two of these young children.

Another group carrying a different type of homemade signs. Quite creative.

Some more of the fun signs. This one is of a “Marimba”. Marimbas are quite popular here in Guatemala.

These girls were marching behind a sign that read “Nuestras Trajes” which means “Our clothing”. I can only assume that they belong to a sewing school.

More local youth carrying homemade signs.

Yet another group of marching children.

The woman in front is Irma — one of the beautiful Mayan women who work in the office at Las Piramides del Ka. I am not sure who the young girl holding her hand might be.

Yet another small group in beautiful clothing.

A second band from a different school here in San Marcos.

And yet another band from another school.

Closeup of the latter band.

More closeups of the same band.

And yet another …

These women were marching at the end of the parade. I took this photo to show he beautiful colorful clothing that these Mayan women wear.

More beautifully-dressed Mayan women.

This hometown celebration took place in the large covered multi-sports court at the center of town. On the stage at the far right, a young man is singing the Guatemalan National Anthem.

Post-Storm Photos

On September 3, a powerful storm blew through San Marcos, causing more damage to the drainage river that runs through town. The next morning, I walked around during my silence to capture a few more photos.

This photo does not show any of the damage, but it is a beautiful photo looking up the canyon above San Marcos. The river channel is just to the right.

This is the river that runs into town, again showing the beautiful scenery of the mountains behind. Just below where I took this photo, the river enters the little man-made channel that continues to have problems.

This photo is taken from the same spot looking south through town and towards the lake. You can see that at this point, the channel is clear and about 12 feet deep.

This is the remains of some of the damage from Tropical Storm Agatha in May. This is where the first portion of the wall fell at that time. The chain-link bundles of rock that had fallen over were emptied and the extra fencing material was attached to the still-standing wall.

The little bridge below is beginning to be undermined by flowing river water.

Normally this river would run through the small opening at the far right of the photo, but since the wall collapsed, the water has been forced into the left side of the bridge where it is eating away at the bridge’s foundation.

This is yet another view of the Tropical Storm Agatha damage, looking North from the top of the small bridge at the wall that collapsed in May.

This photo is from the same bridge looking south toward the lake. This new section of wall collapsed on the evening of Sept 3 from the massive rains that we had. The water undermined the wall before it collapsed, and then began to run behind the wall, eating away at the hillside.

This is taken from a little way further downstream, looking back up toward the small bridge at the newly-collapsed wall. You can see how the path on the right is begining to lose its foundation.

Another similar view taken from a little further downstream. If you look closely, you can see a water pipe that used to span the small river. The pipe has been broken. This is an example of the extremely fragile water system here in San Marcos. It does not take much of a storm to cause the water supply to stop.

This is taken from the same spot, but looking the other way, downstream toward the lake. In this photo, you can see the main bridge through town that was heavily damaged during Tropical Storm Agatha in May. The channel has now been dug out, and is nearly back to its original depth.

This photo was taken from just below the main bridge, looking back north toward the mountains. I took it just to show how the debris from Agatha has  now been cleared.

This photo was taken quite a bit further downstream (closer to the lake). On the left are walls of rock where the footbal (soccer) field used to be. The field has been cleared, but is quite muddy. The building with the blue second story (further up the river) is right by the main bridge through town.

One reason for the drainage problems is the tiny size of this channel which joins the bottom portion of the river to the lake. It could not handle the massive volume of water and rocks, causing the major backup that began at the soccer field.

This is where the river empties into Lake Atitlan. It used to empty right into the lake, but now empties into a huge delta filled with rocks and mud. The lake is so high that the wall here which used to be over ten feet tall is now only a couple feet above water level.

I threw this photo in because it reminded me of a pyramid that I saw during a visualization in my room during the Moon Course (the one where a stream of clear water was running down the steps and then mud was thrown onto the steps). This particular pyramid is only about two feet tall and was in front of a lake front home here on Lake Atitlan.

In this photo, I am standing by the small pyramid and am looking east toward the center portion of San Marcos. The water level is extremely high right now. I would guess it is eight to ten feet higher than when I arrived in April. This whole area here used to have beautiful paths where you could stroll along the shore of the lake. Those paths are now all under water.

Lake Atitlan Lake Levels

I cannot explain why, but for some reason, I have been fascinated by the rapidly rising lake levels here at Lake Atitlan. I am including a group of photos here that illustrates the rapid rise in the water.

This first photo was taken on May 18, about one week before Tropical Storm Agatha. This is the main covered boat dock here in San Marcos. It is hard to tell from this angle, but the covered platform is considerably higher than the water. I would guess that it is at least six or seven feet above water level at this point in time.

This was taken on August 31. The deck of the covered area is now covered by a few inches of water and crews are building a new dock about three feet higher than the water level. You can also note the bench in the left-middle of the platform to get some perspective.

This photo was taken the morning after another big storm collapsed another section of the river wall (Sept 4). If you look closely, you can see that the water is up at least another foot only four days later.

Another photo on the same day. You can see how the bench is now almost covered.

This photo was taken nine days later (Sept 13). Here, the water has almost completely covered the new higher dock.

Another photo from the 13th, showing the bench now submerged beneath at least six inches of water … and the levels continue to rise.

I have not taken new photos, but this dock is now covered, and the dock has been moved yet again.

This shows a wall of sandbags that was placed so that passengers could walk over to the dock (Aug 31). This area was later replaced with a three foot higher walkway, which still flooded.

Looking east from the boat dock at what used to be beautiful shorline with trails. Now the water is crowding everyone’s property, making foot traffice impossible.

Takin on Sept 13, this photo shows the new higher platform-path which is also now under water.

Looking back from the dock in the other direction. Today, this whole area is underwater, and the floating dock at the left edge of the photo is now being utilized.

An August 31 view of the path leading to the dock. Notice the rock wall by the trees. This is now completely covered and the plants are all drowning.

A Sept 4 view of the path leading to the dock.

A Sept 13 view of the same area. The wall is now completely under water in this photo. The big dog is Zeus from the pyramids.

Yet another angle of this area of the shoreline. The big floating dock has now been pushed further out and a platform has been built joining the sandbags at the right to the floating dock. The platform is now almost underwater.

This is a photo that I took on April 26, right at the start of my Moon Course. It is a private dock owned by Posada Shuman — a hotel where I stayed for a few days.

The platform under the grass hut is at least six feet above water level.

An August 31 view of the same area.

And a Sept 4 view … after the big rainstorm.

And a Sept 13 view. The platform is now covered by at least four feet of water.

Another lakefront shot near the boat docks. Their used to be beautiful foot paths in this area. Now it is totally inaccessable.

This is the lake wall below Chaty’s home. It used to be very tall. Now workers are hurriedly working to build it even taller. The top two feet of this wall appear to be brand new as the worker prepares to add even more rocks on top.

(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Monday, September 20 – 7:15 p.m.

I find it extremely difficult to believe that tomorrow morning at 8:30 a.m., we will have our final graduation ceremony for the Sun Course. The time has passed so rapidly, and I feel as if I have barely scratched the surface of what I had hoped to accomplish.

After posting yesterday’s blog entry, I have been attempting to focus fully on maintaining a dedicated meditative spirit throughout these final 48 hours – but my mental state has been wandering – constantly flitting from one thing to the next. For much of these last 24 hours, the peaceful presence of that illusive present moment has been increasingly difficult to maintain.

I actually went to morning yoga and evening meditation today – even though I had originally intended to focus on simply being “me with myself”. Both classes helped to distract me from the building mental chatter – but my mind seems to have lost interest in further meditation. Instead, my mind seems determined to jump in and start judging my experience.

Ego wants to pound its chest and proclaim that my Sun Course was a failure – that I have wasted three months because I did not find the secrets of the Kabala Tree of Life, and because I only had a few lucid dreams, and I never succeeded at astral travel – not even once.

I believe it is time to have a little sit-down with that Ego to remind it of many of the incredible accomplishments that we (Ego and I) have made during these past 92 days. For starters, I need to remind Ego that finding the Keys of the Tree of Life was never our goal. From day one, it was clear that I was doing the Sun Course with an attitude, and that I was 100% unattached to what my spiritual growth might look like. I was here to listen to Spirit, to live in the present, and to follow promptings – period.

Yes, I had high hopes of more lucid dreaming and astral travel experiences – but I still have the rest of my life to explore those possibilities. I suspect that variations of such experiences may be in my future – but I am fully open to the opposite reality as well. For all I know, I may have been given that amazing “we are in astral” dream last March merely as a way to peak my interest and my willingness to submit myself to three months of Sun Course participation. I may not have surrendered to Spirit – choosing to do the Sun Course – had it not been for that dream.

One thing I do need to emphasize is that I spent a great deal of time during the last three months living in that astral realm. I did not even connect the dots until recently – but every night dream – even when not lucid – does indeed take place in the astral realms. During these past 92 days, I have had numerous, frequent, and powerful dreams that have given me considerable emotional and spiritual guidance.

Growth Summary

In an effort to pull it all together – to put Ego in its place – I think that tonight I will skim through my writing of the past three months and put together a list of reasons why I can be grateful that I followed my promptings to spend 92 amazing days living here in the Sun Course at Las Piramides del Ka.

Number 1: First of all, I have made some incredible friendships – both with fellow participants in my Moon and Sun Courses, and also with many of the local people who live here in San Marcos.

When I first arrived in San Marcos late last April, I did not know anyone, and I was not at all impressed with the place. Now I love the surroundings and feel completely at home. I am so deeply grateful for my new friends – friends who have touched my life in multitudes of ways – and friends who I suspect will continue to play major roles in my future. If I were playing the poker tables in Las Vegas right now, I would feel quite comfortable in betting large sums of money on the fact that two of my recently deepened friendships will have major impacts on my future – one is my beautiful young friend and adopted spiritual-daughter Sandra, from Australia – the other is with Keith, the Chocolate Shaman.

Both are now my favorite Spiritual Teachers. Both have changed my life forever.

Number 2: For the first time in my life, I actually have an appreciation of the symbolism of the four elements. Having jumped from Mormon beliefs into the world of atheism, and then into the beautiful world of A Course In Miracles, I had never previously understood why Fire, Air, Water, and Earth have such a prominent role in the symbolism of so many spiritual traditions – especially with indigenous people around the world. During my three months of studying the Tree of Life, I have gained a deep understanding for these, and many other, rich symbolisms. Yes, these elements are all part of the illusory Universe in which we live – but as long as we find ourselves subject to the laws of the physical Universe, it is important to learn to interact with that universe in a way that will help us to draw closer to the spiritual energies that will guide us toward awakening.

In fact, the entire Tree of Life itself is nothing but a powerful symbol of how creation works in this dynamically changing Universe – and in our own bodies.

Number 3: I am not sure what role the things that I have learned about Kabala, Tarot, Astrology, etc… will play in my future life – but even if I were to never study any of these subjects ever again, I am deeply grateful for how the process of studying them has already blessed my life.

First, the rich symbolism has added greatly to my symbolic understanding of the subconscious world – giving me a whole new set of tools for my guides to use when communicating with me through dreams and other means.

But one of the most incredible things that the Kabala Tree of Life has taught me is about the importance of balance in my life – too much of an “unbalanced good” energy can be like a virus – and at the other extreme, not making the difficult and restricting choices can be equally as paralyzing to my progress.

Also in the area of balance, I have deeply internalized the lesson that creative energies need the structure of the intellect to bring them to reality – and that the intellect absolutely must be balanced with Christ-like love and with creativity, or it is sterile.  Both are needed.

Number 4: During the first half of my Sun Course, as a result of dreams, past-life regressions, and deep internal intuitive guidance, I was prompted to make some extremely difficult decisions regarding my finances – gut-wrenching decisions that deeply impacted others that I love as well. Amazingly, I found the balance to address those issues from a perspective of unconditional love – and my heart peacefully reassures me that everyone will end up growing from the process. I seriously doubt if I could have found the courage to take these difficult steps had it not been for the deep spiritual guidance that flowed through my heart during the past 92 days.

Number 5: Beginning in my Moon Course, I realized that I was finally maturing spiritually to the point that I had the courage to fully be myself – in every way. As I published my “Speaking My Truth” blog entry right before beginning the Sun Course, I honestly felt as if I had accomplished a huge milestone in my life. But I realize now that I was still in the starting blocks of such growth. My Sun Course experiences have taught me so much about myself – giving me so much more courage to be my own unique self in every way. I believe that it is now time to crawl out of my crib and continue this stair-stepping growth at yet another level.

Number 6: Physically, I still have a considerable distance to travel before I can twist myself into a yoga-pretzel like many of my younger counterparts here in San Marcos. Yes, I still have aches and tight muscles – especially in the hips and right shoulder – but during the past three months I have taken my body many leaps and bounds beyond where I was on June 21. I lovingly pushed through many deep aches and pains. My physical progress seems quite slow at times, but I am much stronger, and more flexible in so many ways. Even if I were to ignore all of my other growth, the physical changes alone would make the Sun Course worth my time.

Number 7: Yes, I frequently continue to struggle with traditional meditation – but at least I actually do meditate now. I am getting consistently better at quieting my mind and focusing on simply being. I will definitely be increasing my own personal “active style” of meditation, but I also feel a deep personal commitment toward maintaining my new habit of traditional style meditation. I believe that over time, I will develop an even deeper appreciation of traditional meditation techniques.

Number 8: Even though I still seem to be at a loss to create amazing energy experiences at will – I have had some incredible adventures with energy in my body during these past three months. I know that the Universe has blessed me with many glimpses of what is possible as far as energy movement throughout my physical being – and I fully expect that my energy explorations will continue to expand. My eyes have been opened to new possibilities. Much of what seemed impossible to me in June, now seems normal and everyday. My energy sensitivity – especially in my hands – has never been greater.

Number 9: My intuitive abilities have seemed to have skyrocketed during these past 92 days. Yes, I still have many “off moments” where I am at the bottom of a wave, feeling disconnected from the spiritual flow – but when I am connected to my intuitions, I seem to be much more deeply connected than ever before. Intuition tells me that this growth will not only continue, but will increase in the future.

Number 10: One area that has literally blessed my life is in the area of emotional healing. I began the Sun Course believing that I had already dealt with all of my past emotional baggage. Wow, was I ever wrong. It never ceases to amaze me how many buried emotions still live down below the radar of consciousness. My growth in releasing and processing still deeply-buried emotions has been amazing.

Number 11: Another area of growth that has blown me away is that of personality development – especially in the area of judgmental projections (taking disliked parts of myself and projecting them onto others as being bad, wrong, evil, disgusting, repulsive, etc…). As I began the Sun Course, I actually had the impression that I was quite advanced down my growth path in the area of “not judging others”. Wow, was I ever wrong. During these past 92 days, I have been blessed with huge growth opportunities that have helped me fine-tune my non-judgment skills. Repeatedly, I have learned to “own” my judgments, to turn them around, and to find the internal cause buried deep inside me. It always has been and always will be an “Inside Job”.

Number 12: My lessons in Temperance (finding peace in every situation) have also been profound. I have learned to deal with spiders, mosquito bites, pinched nerves, flip-flopping and gurgling intestines, barking dogs, blaring loud-speakers from local church services, and the list goes on. Of course I am not perfect in this area, but compared to where I was three months ago, I deserve to be in the Temperance Hall of Fame.

Number 13: I have learned that I can indeed “lucid dream” if I put my mind to it. I had one incredible lucid dream, plus a handful of experiences where I began to go lucid but was just too excited to maintain myself inside the dream. In the non-lucid category, I have begun to remember on average anywhere from one to three dreams every night. A great number of them seem meaningless, but on a consistent basis, I find deep symbolism in some – symbolism that is beginning to guide my growth processes on a more consistent basis.

Number 14: I have been far from perfect in my silence. I made the occasional slip-up, and often found myself still talking out loud to myself. Perhaps the most difficult thing is that we frequently needed to speak during our 8:30 a.m. class, almost every day – breaking up the continuity of our silence. It was not until these final seven days that I have really found out what it is like to be completely silent.

Even so, I have had many amazing experiences with learning to see the world in new ways. Perhaps my favorite were my breakfast experiences where I simply played with and observed the honey bees – excited bees that got stuck in a honey jar. I would love to say that these types of precious “in the moment” experiences happened every day – but they didn’t. Yet, when they did happen, they were amazing – priceless. I will never forget them.

Number 15: I already mentioned Keith in the friend category – but I have to mention him again. While the lessons I have learned about myself during the Sun Course have been invaluable – I think the most powerful events that has happened to me during the past three months have been my encounters outside of the Sun Course – my group and private sessions with Keith, The Chocolate Shaman. Had it not been for my Sun Course friends, I may never have found him.

This man has helped me to learn some amazing things about myself. I could write for hours about the sessions and the lessons I learned regarding my intuition and energy fields – but wait – I already did. My blog is filled with numerous such growth stories in working with Keith.

I cannot predict what my future holds, but I know without any doubts that my time here in San Marcos would have been worth it had I done nothing more than simply go through the experiences that I had with Keith. The exciting part is that my intuition is deeply guiding me to remain in San Marcos for an extended period of time – gleaning every lesson I can possibly learn from this amazing intuitive man. Only time will tell how much more amazing growth I have under Keith’s guidance.

*  *  *  *  *

It is late and I am exhausted. I could go on with this list for many more pages and still just scratch the surface of the lessons I have learned during my last three months.

What I have managed to do here in the past couple of hours is to push that annoying nay-saying Ego firmly out of the way, successfully reminding myself that I have no regrets – none whatsoever – regarding my amazing adventures of the Sun Course. No, I did not “do it all” – but this just gives me more to look forward to in the future – and wow, did I ever have some amazing experiences.

Thursday, September 23 – 2:30 p.m.

I’m still here at the pyramids. The ride of the past two days has been wonderful. Tuesday morning, after meditating in our final 8:30 a.m. class, Chaty turned the remaining time over to us – time to express our love and gratitude for our experiences of the past three months.

My heart radiated with love as each of us in my amazing Sun Course group took turns sharing our thoughts and feelings. Again, determined to climb out of my observation-mode shell, I was the third to share. The “old me” would most likely have waited to be near the last. Several times during our heart-felt sharing, my eyes watered up with joyful emotion for the powerful loving bond that I felt in that beautiful little pyramid temple.

Immediately after leaving the temple, our family of eight set off to a nearby restaurant – a beautiful little restaurant just past the west end of town – a delightful spot with an unbelievably gorgeous view across the lake. For several hours we feasted together – both with words and with food. Narkis made a wonderfully inspired suggestion, requesting that we all take turns sharing a little about our growth, how our experience has changed our life, and where we are going from here. What ensued was a continuous series of precious moments – moments of bonding – moments of love – moments of laughter – moments of joy – and even a few moments of tears.

Then, with less than an hour to rest, we all met again in the midst of a torrential downpour as we prepared to walk up the nearby hill for a special meditation service with Chaty.

I have mentioned before that during our Sun Course, Chaty received guidance to start a new series of 40 day retreats – and that these retreats would be in a small building at the top of the hill where I often go hiking to be alone. Chaty had hoped that remodeling of the new center would be ready to do a full energy clearing/blessing ceremony by Sept 21, but the preparations were slightly behind schedule. So instead, about 12 of us gathered for a powerful meditation and channeling session, with our only goal being to raise the energy vibrations of the new “pyramids 2” property.

We sat in an oval-shaped circle on the third floor of a wobbly-feeling attic – a place that very soon will be a little meditation temple for the new retreat center. All dressed in white, we sat on the still rough-and-bare wooden floor, basking in the Spiritual Energy as Chaty guided us through the once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Still not wanting to be apart from each other, our group then went out for a socially-delightful dinner at the Japanese restaurant. As I finally returned to my room around 11:30 p.m on Tuesday evening, I was both energized and exhausted at the same time.

*  *  *  *  *

Wednesday morning, I was utterly amazed when I awoke at 3:43 a.m., after having slept soundly for nearly four and a half hours straight – nonstop – without waking even once. Even more amazing was the fact that my alarm was set for 3:45 a.m., but I had woken up on my own just two minutes early.

Katie needed to rush home to participate in a friend’s wedding, and had arranged for a private shuttle to meet her up on the main road at 4:00 a.m. – a shuttle that would whisk her off non-stop to the airport in Guatemala City – a trip of about 3.5 hours.

I had already said my goodbyes the night before, but as we were talking I felt a strong prompting to volunteer to help Katie carry her luggage up the steep cobble-stone path at 4:00 a.m.. As it turned out, three of us escorted our dear friend. The trail was pitch-black, and dogs were barking everywhere. I felt so privileged to have the opportunity for one last hug from Katie as she became the first of our new family to head off on her own.

Back in bed, I tried to go back to sleep, but ended up mostly meditating. Finally, at 6:00 a.m., I sat up on the edge of my bed and began reading more of my Sacred Geometry book. As usual, the reading took on the feel of a meditation that energized me with love and vibrating energy. I feel so drawn towards continued reading and study of Sacred Geometry.

Shortly after 7:00 a.m., our energetic little Sun-Course family set off on another adventure together. We hiked nearly four miles around the southwestern end of Lake Atitlan, following the sometimes-paved, sometimes-mud-and-stream-covered road all the way to the larger town of San Pedro. The hike took us a little over 3:00 hours – hours that passed ever so quickly because we hardly stopped visiting through the entire hike.

After a delightful group breakfast in San Pedro, we split up to run our own errands. Sandra and I soon caught a launch together, heading back to San Marcos with a mission in mind. We had decided to go house hunting together. We decided to see what was available in the one and two bedroom ranges – and then, depending on what we found, we would either choose a two-bedroom place to share, or we would rent two separate one-bedroom places as close to each other as possible.

We chased down leads for most of the afternoon, and by 5:15 p.m. on Wednesday evening, we both felt strongly energized with the prompting that we would rent the first place that we had looked at – a lovely little modern two-bedroom apartment space occupying much of the second floor of a newer building right in the center of San Marcos. After having seen this place first and having felt its radiating energy, every other place that we visited simply fell far short of impressing us.

For only $400 per month ($200 each), we will have two large private bedrooms (with comfortable bed and furniture), a new modern kitchen area, a private bathroom with hot shower, and a large living room – plus there is a beautiful yard just outside where we can sit to read or meditate.

Craving more speaking time together, the remaining seven of my new Spiritual family got together for a shared Wednesday-night dinner and movie night. Several of my cohorts cooked delicious soups, rice, vegetables, etc…, and we ate a yummy dinner together in our outdoor dining area – complete with candlelight and never-ending bonding conversation.

Then, shortly after 8:00 p.m., we gathered in the small library here at the pyramids – enjoying the DVD “The Majestic”. Just as with Tuesday night, I did not make it back to my room till nearly 11:00 p.m. – well beyond my normal bedtime.

*  *  *  *  *

Since I am still staying in the pyramids until tomorrow, I felt a prompting this morning (Thursday) to get up for early morning yoga. I have still not developed the habit of doing yoga on my own – but fully plan to do so as soon as I move to our new place. But for now, I jumped at the open opportunity to participate in another group yoga practice.

After Yoga and a quick breakfast, Sandra, Marcel, and I walked over to the new place that Sandra and I want to rent. The manager was out of town, but the young man that was there called him up on the phone. Minutes later, I told the owner that Sandra and I want to rent the place, and we would like to move in tomorrow. We have an appointment at 9:00 a.m. tomorrow morning to sign papers and to pay our first month’s rent. I am so excited – I cannot believe it is all happening so quickly.

Marcel tagged along because there is also a small one-bedroom apartment for rent and he is seriously considering taking it. It will be so fun to have three of us living right there together on the same property – being able to continue our own little mini-retreat atmosphere and spiritual conversations.

I should probably expound on the plans that seem to be gaining intuitive clarity in my heart. I have hinted a few times before – and in my last blog entry I expressed my deep sense of clarity that I will be staying around for three to six months so that I can study with Keith. When I exchanged notes with Sandra on Sunday, she expressed to me that she has felt similar promptings. She had also decided not to participate in another retreat at the pyramids, and was fired up about the opportunity to take a two-month healers course with a very intuitive woman here in San Marcos.

After a quick exchange of notes with Sandra on Sunday afternoon, it felt energetically right to each of us that we would both remain in San Marcos for at least the next three months. Sandra’s current plan is to go home before Christmas, while my heart tells me to make no plans beyond December – guiding me to remain completely open-ended. I do feel a strong hunch, however, that I will likely be here in San Marcos, studying with Keith, well into 2011 – possibly into April.

With Sandra’s permission, I also want to mention another amazing fact. During our 40 days of silence, she and one other amazing person in my group found the hidden secrets of the Tree of Life – two of only six or seven that have ever found these secret keys here at the pyramids. Sandra and I have both felt an ever-deepening bond as we have partnered and worked together throughout these three months. I am so thrilled to have the privilege and honor to continue our friendship forward to an even deeper level in these upcoming few months.

I would never ask Sandra to reveal any secrets to me – secrets that to be meaningful need to be discovered via subconscious channels and personal internal experience – but I do secretly hope that being around her amazing energy will rub off on me – at least a little bit.

There is no doubt in my mind that Sandra (at only 23 years old) is someone who will make a profound impact on the world around her wherever she goes in this lifetime. We both feel a strong intuitive guidance that our paths will definitely be intertwined in some way as the future unfolds. I am so amazed by how synchronous events continue to bless my life, and cannot wait to see what each new day brings.

*  *  *  *  *

Tonight, in just a couple of hours, the present Moon Course will graduate in yet-another full-moon ceremony here at the Pyramids. Chaty asked for those of us that could, to please remain here at the pyramids to participate in these ceremonies. In a very real way, these few days since Tuesday morning have been an amazing and deeply fulfilling part of my Sun Course process. Gratitude fills my heart for the additional opportunities that we have had to bond and grow together in these past couple of days.

Because of circumstances, I have still hardly talked to anyone at all, outside of our own Sun Group. While I deeply look forward to reconnecting with friends and family back home, I also have an equally deep desire to maintain my present state of quiet and often-silent connectedness – a peaceful presence that begs me to not forget the amazing growth lessons of the past three months – a strong intuitive presence telling me that my life has been permanently altered.

Friday, September 24 – 5:30 p.m.

Last night was yet another coveted opportunity for my new spiritual family to get together. After participating in a powerful and emotionally-moving full-moon ceremony, the remaining seven of us again went to the Japanese restaurant for an evening of animated conversation. Have I said yet that I love my new friends?

We stayed out late – not arriving back at the pyramids till nearly 10:45 – a third late night in a row. I was quite tired but still opted to stay up past midnight.

*  *  *  *  *

This morning, Friday, I felt quite nostalgic as I began to pack up all of my belongings – squeezing everything into every corner of my backpack. It is amazing how many extra things I have acquired since first arriving in San Marcos last April – stuff such as exercise clothes, white clothes, flashlight, Tarot cards, crystals, and the list goes on. I ended up having to pack several extra plastic bags full of stuff that would no longer fit in my backpack. When I eventually leave San Marcos, I will definitely be leaving a few things behind.

At noon, Sandra and I made several back-and-forth trips hauling our belongings several hundred yards up the main sidewalk path from the pyramids to the center of town where our beautiful little home is located. We had both expected to feel somewhat sad about leaving the pyramids, but instead, we felt nothing but excitement to have our beautiful, clean, dry, modern, spacious, living space. I do believe we will love it here.

As the skies darken outside on this beautiful and peaceful Friday night, a powerful wave of contentment and serene peace fill my heart. Yet another beautiful experience is now coming to full closure, and a new amazing adventure is just beginning.

As I put the final keystrokes into this, the final blog entry of my Sun-Course journey, joyful emotions swell in my heart as loving tears begin to spring up in my eyes.

I can only imagine where my heart might guide me in this next unfolding phase of my journey. As I find myself reflecting back on incredible unplanned adventures of the past 15 months, intuition tells me that this next step into the unknown will be every bit as powerful.

I feel like an excited little girl on the night before her first trip to Disneyland.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved