Brenda's Bicycles

 
(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Sunday, August 15 – 7:00 p.m.

I had two flashes of insight on the way to meditation tonight. The first insight was:

“I am not in silence in order to separate myself from the world outside. Instead, I am in silence to be more fully present with the amazing world around me. When I am not speaking, and thinking, I am instead listening and being.”

This simple shift in my thinking already helped me to have a more effective meditation this evening.

The second flash of insight happened when I walked by Marcel, one of our amazing Sun Course members. I noticed that he was very deliberately walking almost like a snail, slowly putting one foot in front of the other. As I watched with wonder, I suddenly realized “I want to do that. That will help me to be more present as well.”

By consciously focusing on every footstep I will be much more in the presence – in the here-and-now. Beginning immediately, I have begun to walk much slower. Not only does this help me to be present, I also believe it will help me in my Lucid Dreaming practice. By constantly paying attention to what is around me, I will be more in the same habit while dreaming, causing me to recognize more easily when I am in a nighttime dream.

I love these little flashes of insight. Now, the only trick will be to remember to actually implement them on a consistent basis. I think I will begin now.

Monday, August 16 – 6:45 p.m.

Today was quite the roller coaster ride. For two weeks we have been learning and practicing the four phases of a therapy technique that is based on the Tree of Life – a technique channeled through Chaty – a therapy that she has named Shaluah Ka, which means “messages from the Spirit.” This morning, for the first time in our classes, we put all four phases together in one long session. I have been partnering with Sandra, and today was my turn to receive the full therapy. Tomorrow, I get to practice giving it to her.

The only gotcha is that we are practicing on the floor of the small Sun Temple, and the small padded mat that I used today was extremely thin. I was lying either on my back or on my stomach for nearly two hours throughout the beautiful relaxing therapy – a therapy involving light relaxation work, aura cleansing, and energy work. When I went to turn over about half way through, I knew that I was in trouble. My lower back was aching fiercely, but I was not about to suffer. I just toughed it out with a smile on my face and love in my heart. When I had to turn from my stomach onto my back for the final ten minutes, it took every ounce of strength that I could muster just to roll my body over again.

But the real show came when it was time to sit up. Sandra and I were the last to finish, and I felt as if all eyes in the room were lovingly watching me as I struggled to manipulate my body back to a sitting position. I was trying so hard to be brave and courageous as I shakily struggled to lift my body in the direction of sitting. The pain was extreme, but temporary, as I slowly inched myself upward with a painful grimace on my face. By the time I finally reached a sitting position, I could feel the love in the room being directed toward me as my emotion got the best of me and I started crying. The tears were not tears of pain – even though my back was indeed in a great deal of pain – they were tears of gratitude and emotion for the love and concern that I felt from others.

I felt slightly embarrassed, but at the same time filled with love and gratitude as I sat through the final ten minutes of class time. I was physically fine by the time I finally went to stand up, but still quite amazed at how fragile my emotions felt as I walked back to my room. I was starving for breakfast, so I did not give myself time to process the emotions.

*  *  *  *  *

After a quick bowl of delicious oatmeal, I felt inspired to try a little meditative walking. I think I slightly overdid it … LOL.  The day was so beautiful, and the lake scenery so incredible, that I just kept slowly walking and walking, all the way to a neighboring village called Tsununá (pronounced sue-new-NAH). The walk over a bumpy dirt road took nearly an hour in each direction, and involved a few steep climbs. Throughout the walk, I maintained a steady, meditative pace. By the time I returned to Las Piramides, I was happy, but weak and exhausted – definitely not in the mood to meditate any further.

I was going to nap, but instead opted for an early (for me) 2:00 p.m. lunch. It was not until I finally returned to my room shortly after 3:00 p.m. that my unexpressed emotions caught up with me.

I could tell the emotions still wanted to come-up-and-out as I reflected on this morning’s experience. Knowing that “feelings buried alive never die”, I allowed myself to visualize the whole experience as if it were happening right now. Sure enough, the suppressed emotion came bubbling to the surface, and this time I allowed the tears to gush out unobstructed. I felt so much better as those emotions escaped out into the ether. There was absolutely no sadness involved – the tears were loving tears – but nevertheless, they still needed to be processed and released.

*  *  *  *  *

Tonight, right before meditation, a huge downpour drenched the surrounding area. It was right up there with the strongest of cloudbursts that I remember here at the lake. Nearly all of the paths to get from my little pyramid to the bathrooms and then to the temple were flowing rivers with several inches of rushing water. I was one of only 15 who braved the drenching elements.

For the second half of our meditation, we did a partner exercise where we took turns answering three thought-provoking questions: “Who am I?”, “Where did I come from?” and “Where am I going?”

I was not really interested in the process at first, but quickly fell in love with what happened. I partnered with N’himsa, one of my fellow Sunnies. Looking into her sparkling eyes was part of the treat, but the real pleasure was taking turns throwing out creative answers. We spent about ten minutes on each question. I would give an answer, then N’himsa gave an answer, then I gave another answer, etc…

As we creatively used each other’s answers to continually go deeper into our Spiritual imaginations, my heart gradually felt lighter, increasingly bursting with playful joy. This was one meditation that I would have loved to continue for much longer.

*  *  *  *  *

Early this morning I awoke from an intensely focused dream – one that I know I have had repeatedly almost every night for more than a week. The frustrating thing is that I can never remember anything about the always-intense dream, other than the fact that I feel as if I was concentrating deeply on either the Tree of Life or on the Tarot Major Arcana cards.

Today, as I crawled out of bed, I decided to meditate on the dream, even though I could still not remember much of anything. As I meditated, I felt a strong intuitive feeling that the number five was involved – and I felt intuitively drawn to the fifth sephirah in the Tree of Life – the sephirah named Geborah – a sphere that represents energy, courage, and determination – both in facing fears, and also in tearing down things when they no longer serve a useful purpose.

As I meditated further, I felt a strong intuitive feeling telling me that I need to stop taking my conjugated estrogen pills. I fought the feeling, but after a quick Tarot reading and further pondering, I decided to take my intuition seriously.

There is a little background history that I need to relate. When I left Mexico in February, my supply of brand-name Premarin had nearly run out. I had tried repeatedly to locate quality prescription replacements, but the only thing I could find was a lower dose of generic conjugated estrogen. I had always been told that generics for Premarin were not available in the U.S. because there were problems with them – but I was faced with either taking generic estrogen or none at all.

Not wanting to go without my estrogen, I ignored an intuitive little feeling that lightly cautioned me, and I purchased a bottle of 100 generics anyway. During my first couple of weeks in the Moon Course, I had a session with an intuitive Crystal Healer who told me that there was something going on with my digestive system, and it might have something to do with a prescription drug that I was taking. At that time, I almost stopped taking the estrogen – feeling a slight hunch that maybe “the Crystal Lady” was right – but then I rationalized away my doubting feelings and kept right on with my daily dose.

When in Antigua after the Moon Course, I visited a pharmacy and stocked up on another four-month supply of the little conjugated estrogen pills – again ignoring a little feeling that asked me again, “Are you sure you want to take these?”

When I had my Lymphatic Massage last week (with a woman that I have been told is exceptionally intuitive), she told me that she sensed that my gall bladder was struggling, and indicated that my intestines were quite plugged up. She told me I should probably consider a complete intestinal flush with a natural laxative (in a tea).

Anyway, making a long story short, this morning as I meditated, I had a hard time ignoring this strong intuition that maybe I needed to stop taking my estrogen.

This is not really a pleasant subject for internet posting, but I need to say in a non-descriptive way that my digestive system was quite healthy when I left Mexico (while I was still taking brand-name Premarin) – but shortly after entering Belize (while taking generics) I noticed that things were not so normal – and they have been that way ever since. I always assumed that this was from constantly changing diets and parasites, etc, – but today’s meditative intuition told me that it is time to make the tough decision – to have the courage to do something I don’t want to do – to have the determination to follow a prompting (my Geborah energy from my dream) to stop taking female hormones.

I have been on Premarin for close to 20 years, and have grown so emotionally dependent on the magical little pills that I am a little nervous about what might happen if I stop – but internal intuition tells me that my health is at stake and that I need to trust that intuition – intuition that has been coming at me from several sources for a couple of months now.

A quick browse on the internet today revealed that one possible (but less common) side effect of generic conjugated estrogens is gall bladder disease (among a huge list of many other possible complications). This search seemed to intuitively strengthen my resolve to stop. Ego is still quite resistant about stopping – not wanting to trust that “silly intuition” – throwing a temper tantrum while insisting that I need my magic pills.

In order to appease the ego, I reassured it that we can always revisit this decision in the future, but for today – we’ll just stop temporarily to see what happens.

Time will tell, but I have a feeling that this is a permanent decision, and I feel quite peaceful right now in saying so.

Tuesday, August 17 – 6:45 p.m.

What a perfect day, from start to finish. My seventh day of silence has been a day filled with continuous present-moment awe and wonder. I know I have to capture the experience in words. The only problem is that anyone who reads these words without having had a similar personal experience to which they can relate will probably see these descriptive words as just that – trite and silly words. But when accompanied by the emotions that I have felt all day, these words send energetic shivers through my soul.

As I arrived outside the larger pyramid temple this morning, waiting for yoga to begin, I discovered a brand new ant hill right by the area where I normally wait. As I bent down to observe the ants busily excavating the moist wet soil from last night’s rains, I felt as if I were a young child eagerly observing her first ant farm. The hustle and bustle of activity literally captivated me. I carried that energy of curiosity and wonder with me throughout the day.

During class, it was my turn to perform the Shaluah Ka therapy on Sandra. For an hour and forty-five minutes, I massaged, placed crystals, cleansed auras, and did energy work. There were only a few times that I had to pause to think about what I needed to do next. For the most part I remained in my groove. I believe that I felt every bit as relaxed and energized as Sandra when our treatment time was over.

Without skipping a beat, I returned to one of my new favorite breakfast spots for a small bowl of granola with yogurt, and a small plate piled high with five delightful types of cut tropical fruits. Oh, and yes, of course, there was the honey jar.

As I munched on my small bowl of granola topped with yogurt, I found myself chewing extremely slowly, enjoying every bite, crunching each and every morsel, savoring every taste. But it wasn’t until I began to nibble away on my fruit that I became fully conscious of what I was doing.

I discovered that I was actually meditating with my food. The past and future were literally gone; I was immersed in the experience of savoring each bite. In fifty-five years of eating, I do not believe I have ever been so present, so in-the-moment, when I was eating. I began to be amazed at the sensations from my tongue – the sweetness of the mango – the tart-but-sweet twinge of the delicious pineapple – the smooth slippery texture of the sliced bananas against my lips and inner cheeks – the spongy feeling of the ripe juicy watermelon melting in my mouth, and the not-so-flavorful cantaloupe tidbits.

“What is that soft squishy thing moving the food around in my mouth?” I marveled as I observed my tongue performing one of its many functions. “How did my tongue learn to do that so skillfully?”

“And those hard sharp things biting down and mashing the fruit?” I thought meditatively. “What wonder of nature designed these incredibly functional teeth?”

“And how is it that I can taste these various flavors, distinguishing them one from another? What makes me like some flavors and dislike others, especially when I know that other people have exactly the opposite likes and dislikes?”

Then I focused on my sense of smell, and on the visual images. The fruit’s were so delightfully colorful – reds, oranges, yellow, and white.

As I grabbed my plastic water bottle to swallow a few swigs, I was caught off guard when I noticed bubbles drifting up from the mouth of the upside-down bottle. I could even hear the bubbles glub-glub-glubbing into the plastic bottle. As I returned the bottle right-side-up to the table, I watched as the water swirled around in circular waves until it finally returned to a calm smooth state. The sunlight – the incredible warm sun that was shining down on my sun-starved skin – reflected like diamonds off the water in my bottle as I slightly wiggled it from side to side.

One at a time, I slowly ate each piece of fruit, savoring every element of my sacred experience. When I finally finished running the last moist bite across my lips, my attention turned to the honey jar. I had been so involved with in-the-moment eating that the jar had not even captured my attention. As I looked down the narrow neck of the small ceramic pot, I noticed five honey bees sinking in a golden pool of thick quick-sand honey. Feeling quite compassionate, I reached my fork down inside and gently scooped each onto my plate. As I finished rescuing the fifth honey bee, I noticed a little black blob that was barely below the surface. Curiously, I scooped it out too – revealing what looked like a tiny black-bodied bee of some sort.

Just as on Sunday, I watched with delighted amazement as the bees began to struggle to clean themselves. “Surely that little black one is too far gone to survive.” I noted to myself.

Within minutes, there were at least fifteen to twenty bees zooming around in front of me as the honey-soaked ones instinctively rubbed legs and wings while doing their acrobatic show for me. As before, other bees began to surround the ones who were soaked, anxiously gobbling honey from their bodies.

I wondered to myself: “Are the bees helping others out of love and loyalty to their fellow bees? … or are the bees simply helping because they happened to find some free and available honey on the body of the other bees?”

“It doesn’t matter.” I reassured myself. Regardless of their motives, nature has given them the instincts to perform an action that helps each other. To my amazement, the little tiny black bee gradually started crawling around, working his wings free. Within twenty minutes, every one of the bees, including the tiny one, had taken flight, and were anxiously scavenging every drop of spare honey they could find, both on my plate and on the table where they had been crawling around while still dripping.

As this side show began to end, I started a short-distance walk back toward my pyramid room. Each step became a meditation as I felt the energy of the moment holding me captive. I ended up walking past my turnoff, continuing all the way down to the boat dock, where I was surprised to see that the water levels of Lake Atitlan have risen at least another foot since I last checked. The spot where I boarded the boat last week is now completely under water.

Moments after arriving back in my room, I felt prompted to go meditate in our little Sun-Course temple (it is available to us during our forty days of silence until 5:00 p.m. each day). As I tried to meditate, my instincts told me to simply lie down on a mat and to experience the energy in my body. For much of the next hour, I remained fully present, focusing every element of my will into opening energy channels in my body. Inch by inch, I consciously coaxed the energy to work its way through my entire body. By the end of my hour, I literally was feeling energy vibrations on every square inch of my skin – from my ears to my toes. I could even feel some of my internal organs vibrating. My body felt as if it were a balloon filled with pressurized Spiritual energy. I felt as if my skin were going to pop with the inner fullness that I experienced. I had no idea how my little body could possibly contain the immense energy that I felt throughout my body.

If I hadn’t had to run to nearby outdoor facilities, I could easily have remained on my back basking in that amazing energy for another hour. Actually, that is exactly what I did. After a quick run to the restroom, I retired to my private pyramid, stretched out on my bed, re-immersing myself into the experience until it was time to run off to evening meditation in the big pyramid.

*  *  *  *  *

Tonight’s meditation was amazing. Chaty led us in a past-life regression. While slightly similar to the previous two times I have done this exercise, Chaty mixed it up a little bit, and brought a huge amount of fresh energy into the experience. It was as if this were my first time in the temple.

Chaty gradually guided us back to the most recent life that we had prior to this current lifetime. Instinctively I was deeply drawn to ponder the life of my grandmother – my dear mother’s mother. It never seemed possible to me before, but my amazing channeling friend Trish had told me one day in a session that my grandmother and I are one and the same soul.

(Note from Brenda: I apologize in advance to any of my family who may read these words – family who I know do not believe in reincarnation. In describing this experience, I only wish to honor my dear grandmother. Please read with this, my purest of intentions, in mind.)

“How is that possible?” I had asked, explaining that I was nineteen years old when she died.

“Oh, it is not uncommon for the same soul to be in two different parallel incarnations at the same time.” Trish had explained to me. “In the case of your grandmother, she had taken her growth in this lifetime about as far as she was capable, so her higher self (and yours) decided to start a new life filled with new growth opportunities – and that new life was you.”

Everything Trish had told me felt right, registering peacefully with my soul as being true. Yet, I don’t believe I have ever fully wrapped my logical head around the idea – until tonight that is.

As I pondered my grandmother’s life story – her incredible work ethic in being the oldest of eleven children, raising her younger siblings as if they were her own children when her mother died while giving birth to the youngest. My grandmother was a deeply spiritual woman, always work, work, working on her spiritual path – serving others, serving her church, serving her neighbors, and serving her family. She loved beautifully, and was deeply loved by all.

As I pondered my grandmother’s beautiful life, I could feel her frustration at having reached her growth limit in this lifetime – yet I felt her determination to keep at it until the day she died.

As I contemplated her death, I began to swell with joyful tears (something I seem to be doing a lot of lately). I had never really thought of the circumstances in such detail before tonight.

It was 1973. I was nineteen years old and had just left home for the first time – leaving my little hometown in central Washington State to run off to BYU in Utah for what I hoped would be a new start in life as a freshman in college. Just a week or two after I left home, my grandmother left Utah and went to visit my parents in Washington. Just days later, she passed away in my bedroom, in my very own bed. What had once made me feel a little weird now seems to ring true as an amazing synchronicity.

I have no proof that any of this is true – and I do not feel as if I need any proof. I have no need to convince anyone of anything.

What I do know to be true is that I feel a deep sense of peace and rich connection to my dear mother’s mother. Tonight, I feel an even more powerful connection with her as I contemplate that she chose my bed (the bed of her reincarnated self) as a place to take her last breaths – less than two weeks after I grew old enough to set off on my own life adventure as a wide-eyed young single adult, ready to take on the world.

*  *  *  *  *

Last night (Monday) before bed, I took the time to have a meditative conversation with three more of my suppressed personality elements.

When I interviewed “Inefficient Ignacio”, I had a hard time pinning down a visual. He pretty much felt as if he were everyone out there that I judge, including me. When I asked him about his gift for me, he told me that it had been his job to teach me all about “present moment spontaneous living”. He has been working hard for a very long time to help me to remove sterile structure and rules from my life, encouraging me to access my creative, imaginative, intuitive side. He told me that life is too short to focus on efficiency when there are so many more-important present moment experiences to be had. I asked him what he needed from me, and he asked me to give him more freedom to be present with me without restrictive mental structure. “I need love” he told me. “I need permission to take over at times when structure is impeding your peace.”

I find it quite interesting that I experienced such an amazing day of present moment living just the very next day after making a deep and peaceful reconciliation with Inefficient Ignacio. I fine it even more humorous to realize that I began my breakfast today trying to meditate on structured thoughts. It was only when I let that structure go that my amazing day became even more incredible.

The other two personality traits with whom I visited last night were Work-horse Waldo and Slave-driver Sid. Work-horse Waldo reminded me of the spitting image of an old work supervisor, and Slave-driver Sid was a little red devil sitting on my right shoulder. The two interviews were quite similar. Waldo explained that, when used in balance, he gives me the ability to work at my passions without even considering them to be work. For that I am grateful. Sid explained to me that without him, I could never have made it through all of the tough times in my life – times where I simply had to push forward through extremely difficult and unpleasant tasks. He gave me the courage and determination to do what I didn’t think I could do – what I didn’t want to do – but had to do – to get to where I am today.

Both Waldo and Sid simply asked for love and acknowledgment for the great service they have given to me in my life. Likewise, they both emphasized that while their services are extremely valuable, they must be used in balance, only accessed as needed.

I love my new friends. It is amazing how much less judgment I feel tonight than I did just a few nights ago – and it has all come from learning to love the things that I found myself projecting onto others. I am anxious to make even more internal friends.

Wednesday, August 18 – 7:15 p.m.

In many ways, today was quite similar to yesterday – just not as eye-opening nor as breath-taking in the area of present-moment wonders. It never ceases to amaze me how one day’s breakthrough energy experience can seem so normal and ordinary on the next day – kind of like “been there, done that.” I’m learning time and time again that a deep spiritual connection requires constant effort and vigilance. It is not an achievement that will automatically carry over from one day to the next.

After a beautiful morning of Yoga, class-time, and a breakfast-without-bees, I headed over to the small Sun Course temple to do some individual meditation. I was feeling a little stuck, so I did something I knew how to do. I reclined on a mat and began focusing on feeling the vibrating energy throughout my body. After immersing myself into a state of deep relaxation and overflowing vibrating energy, I began to ponder a question that has been on my mind extensively as of late.

One of the things I have realized by studying the Kabala Tree of Life is how critically important it is in my life to balance intellect with creativity and loving, joyful emotion. An unbalanced state in either direction will hinder, or even prevent, the deep mystical connections that I am seeking. I already understood that intellect that is not fertilized with loving and joyful emotions is basically sterile. But somehow, I failed to recognize that the opposite is also true.

As I meditatively engaged in a silent conversation with my right brain (using my imagination as the stage for the discussion to take place), a strong intuitive insight flooded into my awareness – a voice telling me that I was going about my process in the wrong way – a voice telling me that NOW was the time to engage in a meditative conversation with “Intellectual Al” – “Al” being another one of my disowned personality traits. When I began the imaginary conversation, I had no idea what I was about to uncover.

As Al and I began to chat, his forceful power blew me away from the very start of our conversation. He was quite indignant and rebellious, demanding my undivided attention. He began by scolding me – chastising me for the way I have suppressed him over the last six or seven years.

“How dare you try to push me out of your life!” Al exclaimed. “I am one of your strongest and most powerful gifts.”

Al went on to remind me how my intellectual skills have always blessed my life, jogging my memory about how I used to love my Software Engineering career – how I literally thrived on taking on the most difficult of challenges. He pointed out how I had an uncanny ability to figure out the spaghetti-maze behind a complicated problem, coming up with thorough, functional, and bug-free solutions to some of the most complex of programming issues. Al then reiterated how he had always been there to guide and help me, making it possible for me to learn literally anything and everything that I ever put my focus onto.

“We often struggled to learn by simply reading or listening to a professor,” Al reminded me, “but when we focused and rolled up our sleeves, actually doing and practicing, there was never anything that we couldn’t do together.”

Then Al reminded me that not only does he help me understand complicated subjects, but that he has always blessed me with deep clarity and the ability to simplify those complex subjects in a way that I could then explain them to others with ease and logic.

I felt quite ashamed of myself for the way I have treated Al over the last six or seven years. When I began my passionate spiritual pursuits back in late 2003, I started to resent Al’s influence. I wanted to pursue a life of living in my heart space, and Al simply lived in the wrong neighborhood, way over on the wrong side of the brain.

Al was geeky, he was anal, and detail oriented. He didn’t have a lot of social skills, and he didn’t know how to relate well to other people on a non-intellectual basis. I resented him for that, and wanted to minimize his presence in my life. I mostly just tolerated him, putting him under house-arrest, slapping an ankle monitor on his right leg to keep him from breaking curfew or straying too far from his newly established prison cell.

It became my life mission to find unconditional love and deep spirituality, and I envisioned Al as being a huge obstacle, an unwelcome enemy along that spiritual path.

As I took the meditative conversation another notch deeper, I began to remember all of the times in my life that I have been teased or put-down by others for being too nerdy, or too brainy, too anal, too methodical, too socially unskilled, etc. I realized that I have been in a love-hate relationship with Al throughout most of my life. Many of my deepest emotional struggles were related to Al. I always recognized his incredible contribution, but I blamed him exclusively for my inability to fit in with others.

As I continued meditating, I began to feel deeply ashamed of the way I have treated Al. He was not to blame for any of my social struggles throughout my life, nor was he to blame for my lack of deeper right-brain connections. He was a victim of my transgender struggles. My not fitting in had nothing to do with intellect; it had everything to do with hating myself for the body in which I was stuck, hating myself for having to live a lie, having to pretend to be something that I was not. Al was just a quick and easy scapegoat – someone onto whom I could project the blame.

The deeper I got into meditative analysis, the more emotion surfaced. Soon, tears began to stream down the sides of my cheeks, dripping down my ears on their way to the mat below. I was a little self-conscious because Sandra was meditating only three feet away, and I didn’t want to disturb her, nor did I want to draw attention to my unexpected emotional journey.

I told myself that in a few minutes I would return to my room and let the emotion surface in a big way – but then Sandra solved the issue for me as she soon silently exited the temple, leaving me alone to face my internal demons. I began to talk out loud to Al, deeply apologizing for the horrible way I have treated him, suppressed him, victimized him, and repeatedly blamed him. My powerful emotions swelled as I permitted Al’s pain to rise to the surface in an unobstructed manner.

After fifteen minutes of emotional release, my tear ducts stopped flowing, my facial redness receded, and a new sense of calmness and internal awareness rapidly began taking shape as light bulbs flashed all over in my head.

“My intellect has never been the enemy here.” I pondered. “I need to fully embrace the incredible gifts with which I have been blessed. Instead of trying to achieve balance by suppressing my left brain activities, I need to achieve that balance by increasing my right brain endeavors in such a way that they become equal to my intellectual blessings.

Portions of Mary Ann Williamson’s famous quote popped into my head: “Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.  There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us”

I ran those words repeatedly through my mind, thinking of how I have tried to minimize my intellect, forcing it to play a smaller back-seat role in my life.

As I left the Sun Course temple at 2:30 this afternoon, I was bubbling with newfound enthusiasm, telling me that I will never again downplay my intellectual gifts. Instead, I will embrace them while at the same time, focusing them in a more balanced right-brain-integrated way.

Instead of trying to make my left brain smaller, I will simply put more focus on growing my right brain while embracing and loving my left-brain strengths.

Later this evening, as I further pondered this issue, I stumbled across the channeled words of my dear friend Trish. Every week she channels a message from her spiritual guide, the Archangel Michael. This is one of her messages that touched me deeply just a few months ago. I copied it down at that time, but never did a thing with it until now. Tonight, I find it perfect for my present stage in life.

Message from the Archangel Michael
channeled by Trish Withus:

“Once you find your way into your heart,
to go backwards is nearly impossible.
But, the journey forward is magnificently easy.”

Reflecting on these words reassures me that it is literally impossible for my intellect to overwhelm me, taking me out of my well-entrenched heart space. Tonight, I believe with all my heart that I can openly embrace my intellectual gifts without putting my heart journey in any danger whatsoever.

I am quite interested in seeing how this newfound insight affects my future growth.

But now, it is time to crawl between the sheets. I am anxiously awaiting my next powerful dream experience.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Wednesday, August 11 – 7:00 p.m.

What a beautiful day. After staying up last night till nearly 11:00 p.m. watching the Matrix with most of the Sun Course, I slept like a baby. I only remember waking one time during the night. After a quick scamper out into the dark to visit the nearby restroom building, I was able to return quickly to sleep.

At 8:20 a.m. I found myself dressed in white, gathering with all of my Sun Course friends, exchanging last words and hugs. Magic was in the air.

As class time rapidly approached, I witnessed a long moment of magic. One of our Sun Course group (N’himsa) is privileged to have her mother here participating in the Moon Course. My heart nearly melted as I became the grateful observer of an incredible hug between mother and daughter. The beautiful hug seemed to go on forever, and I began to feel a sense of intense loving emotion as I basked in the display before me. My emotion as a silent observer was so strong that tears began to stream down my cheeks. Seconds later, Sandra walked over, and she too began to cry. At about the same time, I noticed that N’himsa herself began to bubble with her own emotion.

After the private hug was over, Sandra and I walked over for our turns. As I hugged N’himsa’s mother, I briefly indicated that I was pretending she was my mother. Immediately she grabbed me again and hugged me a little longer, at which point I again broke into a few tears while imagining that my own beautiful mother was proudly squeezing me tightly. What an emotional way to lead into our ceremony to begin 40 days of silence.

Soon, after all eight of us were seated on our meditation stools in our little pyramid temple, Chaty guided us into our first 30 minutes of silent meditation. At one point during our meditation, Chaty broke in and began channeling a message from the invisible world. Then she stood up and walked around the room channeling a short personal message for each of us, giving us the personal name of a spirit guide who will be accompanying us during our 40 day process – being there to help and to give us additional support. I am excited to have my own personal guide, and already feel quite close to his energy.

As the beautiful ceremony continued, Chaty asked us to each take a turn to express our personal intents during our 40 days. I cannot remember my exact words, but I dedicated my passionate intent to devote my heart and soul to the process that I am now entering – fully committing in a public way to raise my internal vibration levels and to listen to my internal guidance – doing whatever I am prompted to do – facing every prompting with love, devotion, and trust. When Narkis took her turn at the end, her emotion-filled words triggered another round of loving tears in many of us.

I was sad when our ceremony needed to end. I did not want to walk out of the small temple, leaving the presence of that incredible loving Spirit. Many of us lingered for a while longer, exchanging repeated hugs. Accompanying words were not necessary.

*  *  *  *  *

Since entering silence this morning, I have approached my first day with deep reverence. During my last five-day period of silence, I was quite disciplined about not speaking with others, yet I continued to talk out loud to myself quite a lot. During this new silence, I have decided that I will not even whisper to myself. My voice box is going into hibernation. Chaty assured us that after about ten days of doing this, amazing things begin to happen.

Of course, there are two types of situations in which I may occasionally talk – during classes in the temple, and if I feel prompted to participate in some type of therapeutic session or doctor visit. Other than that, my heart is determined to be pure and genuine with my intent to remain absolutely silent.

I expect that these outside sessions will be few and far between. Today I participated in a lymphatic massage with energy work – wanting to get that experience out of the way before full immersion into the silence. In about twenty minutes or so, I will also need to have a brief conversation with my doctor as I pick up the results of my latest post-antibiotic parasite test. I am hoping the tests show that I am now parasite free, but I will roll with whatever comes up. After tonight, the only talking in which I plan to engage will be if I feel prompted to again schedule a private session with the Chocolate Shaman (I really expect that will happen).

Throughout our 40 days, Chaty asked us to try to meditate at least seven hours every day. She instructed us to eat healthy, and to mostly eat normal foods through the majority of our silence. We will not be asked to switch to soups and juices until the final seven to ten days. Chaty did ask us, however, to cut out white flour, and to eat smaller portions – giving our digestive systems a slight rest and allowing more energy to be diverted to our spiritual growth.

“Listen to your body.” She emphasized, urging us to maintain our strength.

*  *  *  *  *

Tonight in meditation, we finished the evening with another 21 minute session of harmoniously chanting “Om”. What a beautiful experience to end our first day of silence. I was beginning to feel tired before we started, but as I walked out of the temple at 6:30 p.m., I was literally vibrating with energy. I strolled out to the medicinal garden, kicked my flip-flops off my feet, stood with my arms holding the branch of my favorite tree, and simply inhaled the tree’s energy – energy that was quite amazing.

I continue to develop a close energy relationship with this tree, and other than that one isolated evening last week, the grass below my special branch continues to be free from ants.

*  *  *  *  *

8:30 p.m.

It seems the Universe is playing another game of treasure hunt. As I arrived at the doctor’s home tonight, his wife came out to inform me that their microscope was not functioning today, and they will now be out of town until Monday. I guess I get to wait six more days to find out if I am free from the little internal nutrition seekers.

In the meantime, I trust that everything happens for a reason, and I cannot wait to figure this one out. Now it is time to meditate ….

Sunday, August 15 – 7:00 a.m.

For many reasons, I am three days behind in my writing. Let’s see if I can catch up a bit. Thursday morning began in a normal way, and ended with a sense of magic.

It started off in Yoga with me being silently assertive and doing things my own way. A little over half way through our session, Tom announced that we would be doing some partner Yoga, involving complicated balancing poses with another person. Never having enjoyed these poses, and not wanting to disturb my silence, I simply sat down on my mat and began peacefully meditating, silently indicating that I would not be participating. There were an odd number in the group anyway. After a few minutes I engaged in some individual hip-opener poses while the rest of the group continued on. I was amazed at how peaceful and proud if felt of myself for doing what I needed to do rather than simply going along with the crowd as I always would have done in the past.

Subsequently, during 8:30 a.m. meditation before class, I felt a powerful energy of presence as I basked in the experience of feeling energy dance up my hands, arms, and shoulders. It was a great and magical meditation.

But it was during breakfast where the real magic happened. I was eating a large plate of fruit with yogurt and granola, topped with a little bit of honey. A lone honey bee began cruising by to check out my goods. Soon he performed a perfect helicopter landing on the edge of a small ceramic pot containing honey at the bottom. Over the next thirty minutes I was treated to an incredible show. I watched as the little bee found his way to the bottom of the narrow-necked jar. He seemed as if he had found nirvana – the one and only Disneyland for bees. Then he got himself into a little trouble as he “got in over his head” so to say.

In his excited jubilation, the bee got some honey on his wings and legs. I noticed that he was having trouble flying, and his attempts to crawl up the sloping ceramic side seemed quite futile. Playing lifeguard, I dipped a small spoon into the bottom of the jar, carefully placed it under the helpless bee, and lifted it to safety on the table top next to my plate.

For fifteen minutes I observed with fascination, bee-ing completely in the magical moment, as the little bee set out to clean himself. Repeatedly, he performed circus-like balancing poses on his front two legs while he used his other four legs to try to clean himself. The little guy showed great determination and will power, refusing to give up – all the while I silently cheered him on. Eventually he seemed ready as he gave his wings a few test buzzes. Suddenly, as quickly as he had first arrived, he cranked up his wings one final time, zoomed into the air, and disappeared into the distance.

As I finished my delicious fruit, I was lost in thought about my fascinating show. “How did that little bee know what to do to clean himself?” … “Where did his instincts come from?” … “Who designed his tiny little body, his wings, and his tiny agile six legs, giving him such strength and ability?” … My list of curious questions seemed endless.

As I finished off my fruit, having been aware of many other bees flying around in the interim, I took a glance down into the honey jar. Surprise crossed my puzzled face when I discovered five additional bees literally swimming in the honey below. They were all hopelessly stuck in the honey – as if mired in quick sand. Lovingly, I reached down with my spoon and scooped each one out onto my plate. They were so drenched that a couple of them could hardly even walk, and their wings were stuck to their back. Gently using the tip of my fork, I assisted two of them in separating their wings from their body. Both seemed quite grateful. One was so sticky that every time he rested his wings, one of them stuck back to his body.

For fifteen more minutes I watched in fascination as these new bees struggled to clean themselves. I watched with awe as two unaffected bees landed and began sucking honey off the backs of the others. Making sure that the honey jar was bee-free, I handed it back to the waiter so that he could keep future bees from drowning. The waiter asked if I wanted a clean plate, but I responded with hand signals, indicating that I wanted things exactly as they were.

Watching this incredible show of nature was the magical highlight of my day – filling my morning with the feeling of loving presence.

*  *  *  *  *

The remainder of Thursday brought with it a feeling of spiritual disconnect. I had eaten too much fruit at breakfast – and then a subsequent lunch left me feeling uncomfortable and bloated. The stomach discomfort kept me from feeling alive. For the rest of the day I felt stuck, simply trying to go through the motions. Since I was not in a mood to meditate, I used my time to work on some crafting – using poster board to create the base for a poster/chart of the tree of life – a chart which I hope will help me in my meditations down the road. Finally, late Thursday night, I gave in to my need for sleep.

*  *  *  *  *

On Friday I learned my lesson about not eating too much. Throughout the day I maintained a slight feeling of hunger, eating just enough food to fuel my body, but not so much to give me a bloated feeling.

But I could not quite return to a deep spiritual feeling of presence and connection that I had experienced while watching the bees. Using my time in a productive way, I focused instead on finishing the preparations of my “Tree of Life” poster. I now have ten decorated circles, filled with text and colorful symbolism, representing the ten sephiroth of the tree. I also have 22 small cards, representing each of the 22 paths of the tree. Each card is decorated with all of its associated key words and symbolism for that path. I plan to use these as I meditate on the tree to explore deeper into the subconscious meanings.

But just like Thursday afternoon, Friday came and went in a non-spectacular way. I never really connected to that deep spiritual oneness that I have learned to crave.

*  *  *  *  *

Saturday began just as Friday ended. I continued to go through the motions, not feeling especially connected. Instead, I was feeling rather blah, confused by my indifference, confused by my state of spiritual disconnection. I recognized that I was simply experiencing the low between waves. During this “down time”, I continued to make final additions to my little meditation notebook – my collection of notes on everything I need to focus on during these 40 days.

It was not until right before an early afternoon lunch that I began to connect with what was going on inside of me. In fact, it was a few of the notes that I copied into my notebook that really sparked my inner movement. The notes I copied were Chaty’s original instructions at the start of our Sun Course – telling us that everything that happens to us during these three months is part of our process. She told us to not ignore our bizarre emotions, but to instead explore them and to heal them. She made it quite clear that we would hit walls or veils, beyond which we cannot pass until we heal certain things in ourselves.

“Duh” I told myself as I began to walk over to my new favorite restaurant to order a plate of rice and steamed vegetables. I have been feeling a crazy amount of judgment pop into my head over the past six weeks. It seems like everywhere I turn, things are happening around me that trigger ugly and uninvited judgmental thoughts.

Yes, I have gone through the motions of working through each and every one of these thoughts, remaining the observer, looking in the mirror and refusing to project the causes outward. But the strength and almost continuous nature of these annoying little judgmental thoughts has begun to take its toll on me.

“It is time to look at this – to find out what is really going on.” I told myself as I sat down at my lunch table with genuine desire to find the truth.

I started out by making a list of every single judgment that has been persistently attempting to push its way into my private thoughts. I wrote down everything I could think of that has been trying to shake my peaceful presence. Most items on my list were stupid and petty. Many of them have long since been resolved … or have they? Even though I believed myself to have let go of my silent attack thoughts, such thoughts still seemed to have a sense of eerie power to them.

As I further analyzed the unwelcome intruding thoughts, I realized that almost all of them had to do with judging the appearance, the laziness, the incompetence, the inefficiency, the rudeness, the thoughtlessness, and the loudness of others.

As I stared at my still-growing list of unwanted judgmental thoughts, I became quite humble and confused with myself. My entire focus of the past six years has been to learn to love everyone and everything in an unconditional way – to love and accept things exactly as they are. So why am I feeling so much judgment? Why? Why? Why?

I took another look at myself. Yes, I continue to see everything as an inside job, with me being the cause of my own projected judgments. Check. No, I am not owning or attaching to the emotions. Check. Yes, for the most part, I am successfully being the observer of these UGLY judgments in myself. Check.

Ouch! As I wrote the word UGLY, I was slammed with the realization that a great deal of emotion was wrapped up in that word. Yes, I realized that I am judging myself for feeling judgmental thoughts.

Immediately, my thoughts flashed to my last session with Keith, the Chocolate Shaman. In that amazing session, after successfully annihilating a past-life binding contract – a contract to “work, work, work” at being perfect – Keith had told me I would continue to deal with residual self judgment as I processed through the unfolding events of letting go of my “work, work, work” drive.

Suddenly, it all became so clear. Every one of my sensitive judgment triggers is based on perfectionist, self-centered attitudes that I continue to project outward onto others. The overall theme of my judgments is “In my pompous state of perfection, I would do it this way – and that would be the perfect and logical way for others to do it also. If others don’t do things in my old perfectionist way, then they are stupid, dumb, lazy, etc…. Blah, blah blah … “

What I wrote in my notebook while eating green beans and rice is the following:

“Apparently I am still judging myself quite harshly for the reactions that I am experiencing – residuals of an old past-life blood oath contract to work-work-work and do-do-do. I have these subconscious work ethics to achieve, and my head tells me that others should too!!!!! They should be like me – the Rule Robot !!! NO NO NO!!!! … God forbid NO! … I need to stop projecting this sick “old” self! I need to stop!”

I then scribbled in my notebook “That is another judgment” with an arrow pointing to the above statements.

Then, thinking about my recent read of Debbie Ford’s book “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers”, I realized that now is the time for me to own all of these disowned “dark” parts of myself so that I will stop projecting them outward as not belonging to me.

I quickly scribbled the following list: “I am inconsiderate, loud, obnoxious, and lazy. I am dirty, inefficient, a work horse, a slave driver. I talk too much. I am too loud. I am anal, an annoying perfectionist. I am smelly, too rushed, always in a hurry. I stereotype others, writing off others based on appearance, behavior, and language. I am inconsistent. I am judgmental”

In writing the above, I was not beating up on myself. I was attempting to personally own every trait that my mind, as of late, repeatedly tempts me to project onto others. I recognized that it is time for me to be whole, to re-integrate my entire personality back together, to quit denying cast-off parts of myself, and to instead find the beauty and gifts of these disowned parts of myself.

I remembered a powerful meditation exercise outlined in Debbie Ford’s book – an experience where she asks you visualize a conversation with each disowned part of yourself, giving that part a name, identifying its gifts, what it needs in order to become whole, etc… I began by making what I thought would be a short list. Soon the list had doubled in size. Throughout the day, the list continued to grow as new disowned parts of myself came forward to announce their presence.

Please forgive me if you find your own first name on this list. As I meditated briefly on each trait, the traits pretty much named themselves. In no way do any of these names reflect a real-life relationship with anyone.

The list blew me away with names like: Inconsiderate Ingrid, Loud Lucy, Obnoxious Olga, Lazy Larry, Inefficient Ignacio, Judgmental Judy, Better-than William, Snobby Bobby, Sloppy Suzy, High-horse Hilda, Careless Kathy, Pushy Patty, Work-horse Waldo, Slave-driver Sid, Talk-too-much-Tessie, Anal Andy, Ugly Toby, Plain Jane, Perfectionist Peter, Smelly Nelly, Rushed Rita, Hurried Harry, Stereotyping Susan, Serious Sam, Resistant Ralph, Angry Alice, Dominating Dominique, Processing Pruilla, Analytical Al, Princess Brenda, Spiritual Doreen, Righteous Rhonda, Know-it-all Ned, My-way Mike, Competent Connie, Superior Sally, Boring Bob, Mental Mervin, Intellectual Ed, Marion the Librarian, Boisterous Betty, Prim-and-proper Priscilla, On-time Tom, and Dependable Debbie.”

What happened next literally amazed me. I began to follow Debbie Ford’s process, meditating and visualizing a conversation with the first few names on the list.

I ignored the persistent urgings of Perfectionist Peter, Analytical Al, and Intellectual Ed, telling me that I should first organize and categorize the list so as to better use my time. Instead, I just plowed right in at the top of the list.

*  *  *  *  *

As I meditated on Inconsiderate Ingrid, I was surprised by the visual of a spitting image of a former friend – a friend who fit the name perfectly. One of the qualities I had originally admired in this friend was that she managed to get things done, often stepping on a few toes to get there. She plowed right through situations, often thinking only of herself, not thinking about how the situation may affect others. In fact, it was one such situation that literally destroyed my friendship with her, just a few years later, when she asked me to deny myself in order to support her bizarre attack against another person that I love.

I asked Inconsiderate Ingrid just what could possibly be her gift to me. She proudly told me that without her, I would be a wimp. I would allow others to walk all over me, and to use and abuse me like a doormat. She reminded me about my “Sun Course with an Attitude” axiom that is allowing me to be true to myself through my Sun Course experience. “I gave that phrase to you” she proudly told me. “I help you to break out of sick unhealthy patterns – teaching you to do what is needed rather than always trying to simply please others.”

Then I asked her what she needed from me in order to feel whole and integrated. She indicated that she needed to feel loved and appreciated for helping me to make the tough decisions. She asked me to take care of myself and my own needs, to not sacrifice my own needs by being nice to others when it is not appropriate.

As I thanked Inconsiderate Ingrid for her time, I felt a powerful internal shift. I realized that when used with balance, her blessing is indeed powerful and appropriate. A sense of recognition told me that I would no longer project my judgments of Ingrid onto others. If I see others, seemingly being inconsiderate by taking care of their own needs first, I will instead honor that instinct inside of me.

*  *  *  *  *

As I next invited Loud Lucy to sit down for a chat, I was quite surprised when her identical twin sister Boisterous Betty also joined the conversation. What blew me away, however, is that these two disowned parts of my self literally took on the exact form and appearance of a very dear and special friend of mine – my amazing friend Rose.

As I reflected on my friendship with Rose, I realized that one of the most powerful traits that I have always admired about her – that endeared her to me even before we became close friends – was her vivacious ability to laugh and to play – to be loud and boisterous in such an appropriate, joyful, giggly, fun, and memorable sort of way.

Puzzled, I asked myself “How can it be that a trait that I find so disgusting and fearful in myself – a trait that I find myself frequently projecting onto others in a judgmental way – is a trait that I so admire and cherish in my dear friend Rose?”

My mind flashed back to my early youth when I too had felt that joyful, loud, boisterous spirit. I painfully remembered how my spirit had been beaten down by well-meaning others. Much of that joyful spirit was quickly buried under the guise of not allowing my feminine personality traits to surface – trying to blend in and to not draw unwelcome attention to myself – trying to be invisible.

I recalled many times in my life where I had genuinely laughed out loud, only to be told by others that my behavior was loud, inappropriate, irreverent, etc… Over and over again, throughout my life, I have repeatedly pushed this part of myself deeper and deeper into the dungeon, slamming the door and throwing away the key. I realized that even today, the occasion is rare when I allow myself to laugh uncontrollably – for fear that my style of laughing might be judged by others.

Early in my contemplation of these facts, a deep sorrow surfaced from within my soul. I began to sob with grief over how I had allowed this beautiful, joyful, loving, genuine part of my personality to be so abused and suppressed. My jaw began to shake as the tears flowed like a flash flood. For close to thirty minutes I simply curled up on my bed and rolled with the intense sorrowful emotion. The experience was both exhausting and rejuvenating. After finishing, if I hadn’t been in silence, I would have run to the nearest mountain top and screamed out in jubilation “I am free.” No-one will ever put me in bondage again. Then Serious Sam piped in and said “Control yourself, you don’t want people to judge you for inappropriate laughing.”

As the tears died down and I returned to converse with Loud Lucy and Boisterous Betty, I asked them what their gifts were. They reminded me that their gifts are “humor, laughter, healing, joy, friendships, giggles, a playful zest for life, love, self-love, love for others, love for the seeming unlovable – a complete letting go of all judgment.”

As I asked them what they need from me in order to be whole, they answered, “Let us out when appropriate. Let us breathe. Love us, hold us, embrace us, and integrate us.”

Somehow, in the future when I am around others who are being loud and boisterous, I think I will see them with a completely new perspective. Perhaps I will let down my twisted up hair braids and join them rather than judge them.

*  *  *  *  *

Exhausted after talking to Lucy and Betty, I reluctantly asked Obnoxious Olga to take a walk with me.

Almost immediately, I realized that Obnoxious Olga was the spitting image of a former business partner – a woman that I had befriended in the year 2000, several years after my major life transitions – a woman with whom I had felt deeply prompted to invest a great deal of my retirement money in a beauty salon. My former friend ended up abusing my trust, embezzling money for personal use, greatly mismanaging the salon, and launching me on a difficult-but-powerful journey of personal growth and self-discovery.

Even to this day, when I think of this former friend, I see an ugly face that obnoxiously stares back at me, haunting me. Yes, I believe I have healed through the whole situation, and I could actually be genuinely happy and pleasant if I found myself around her in a social situation – but I find it quite interesting that her face still comes up as my Obnoxious Olga face.

I asked Olga what gifts she could possibly have for me. She replied that she gives me the courage to stop thinking, worrying, or even caring about what others think about me. She gives me the courage to be my true self – all aspects of myself – even if they are not necessarily “normal.”

When I asked her what she needs from me to feel whole, she replied: “Stop hating me. Show me a little gratitude. Recognize my contributions to your life. Yes, I am different – not like other normal people – but that is perfect. I am one-hundred percent genuinely ME. Please acknowledge that and learn from that.”

*  *  *  *  *

With my afternoon rapidly disappearing, and my emotional strength quickly diminishing, I decided to attempt one more healing conversation before my 5:00 p.m. meditation. Reluctantly, I invited Lazy Larry to take a walk with me.

As I imagined Lazy Larry, his appearances caused slight judgment in me. His hair was unkempt, teeth not brushed, and clothes were quite sloppy. His tank top was grass-stained, and his beer belly hung out over his wrinkled, worn and tattered shorts. Larry gave me the distinct feeling of someone who loved living the simple life, not driven by appearance or false notions of worldly success. Instead, he just wants to enjoy nature, to enjoy being alive.

As I asked Larry what gift he had for me, he replied “Leisure, relief from work, work, work.” He reminded me that true success is not about money, job, clothes, perfection, or a house with a white picket fence. As I talked to Lazy Larry, I recognized an old friend, but realized that I am still resisting him at times. I could feel the sense of peace and freedom that he offers me in my life.

“What do you need from me to be whole?” I asked.

“Love me. Quit rejecting me.” Larry replied.” You know you want to be more like me, to learn from me – to live off the land – to need less, to do less. I want you to thank me for what I have already shown to you, and allow me to help you even more.”

Somehow, after my conversation with Larry, I believe that I will think twice before allowing myself to look at another human being with judgment about their laziness. Perhaps, instead, I will join them in their quest for simply “being”.

*  *  *  *  *

After meditation last night, I was emotionally drained. I was literally in bed at 6:45 p.m., and actually having dreams before 9:00 p.m. at which time I awoke for my first of many restroom runs.

On this beautiful Sunday morning, as I catch up on my writing, I am actually anxious to find time to sit down with many of my other disowned personality traits. I recognize that, due to the large number of names on my list, this process will take some time. I have no intention of rushing through the list all in one sitting. I don’t want anyone’s time to be shortchanged. I will take as much time as is needed for each part of myself that has been rejected, disowned, pushed away, abused, and ignored.

I already feel so much closer to Inconsiderate Ingrid, Loud Lucy, Boisterous Betty, Obnoxious Olga and Lazy Larry. I realize that each of them has blessed me in so many ways. By embracing these disowned parts of myself, I have already noticed the absence of feeling a need to judge others in which I see similar traits.

I cannot wait to make many more internal friends – and I know that each friendship with my self will only deepen my connection with spirit, serving to remove external projections of judgment onto others.

Let the rest of my day begin.

*  *  *  *  *

On an interesting side note, I started noting my computer began crashing quite a lot about 10 days ago. The crashes seemed to be related to my Mobile Internet USB device. Each time that I uninstalled and reinstalled the device, my laptop resumed stability – for a while that is.

As my silence grew nearer, my computer began to crash ever more frequently. As of yesterday, it got to the point where I found it nearly impossible to use my mobile internet without crashing every five minutes.

I simply giggle as I realize that the Universe is telling me that I am still trying to be online too much. I need to back off and only get online for the bare minimum of time. As of yesterday my internet subscription expired. I am seriously considering letting it stay that way – only going to the local internet café when needed, so that I can post occasional blog entries. I love how the Universe works …

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

 
(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Before tonight’s writing, I just want to comment that as I read through my last blog posting (Episode 9), I realized that a couple of things were out of order in my account about my experience with Keith. If you received the posting via Email, or if you read it before late Sunday evening, then it was not fully accurate. I fixed the posting so that it is now correct. Basically, I just slightly rearranged two or three paragraphs to explain that Keith only asked me to look for some type of a contract in my visualized basket AFTER I had told him I felt as if I were wrapped in chains.

And now, on with tonight’s writing …

Monday, August 9 – 7:00 p.m.

Friday I was totally drained after having had my amazing “destroying a past-life blood contract” experience with Keith, the Chocolate Shaman. I felt a strong sense of lightness inside of me, yet for the second night in a row I had not slept, hardly at all. After staying up late while finishing my writing on Thursday night, my mind was wired with thinking about the events that had taken place. I finally gave in to sleepless exhaustion at 11:00 p.m. when I took a half sleeping pill – yet I awoke again at midnight, eyes glued open and my brain once again active. I simply tried to relax and meditate, but without much success at either.

Still awake at 2:30 a.m., I followed a prompting to listen to a recording of my third channeling session (out of five total) with Trish, one that took place in December of 2008. That session had never connected with me previously, but it seemed to speak deeply to me now – telling me that the only thing I need to do to solve problems and to answer all my ego-based questions was to do things in my life to raise my vibration levels. The rest would take care of itself. Imagine that! Perhaps I am finally learning that lesson more than 20 months later.

At 3:30 a.m., still wide awake after thoroughly enjoying my last hour listening to Trish channel for me, I began listening to some very soothing inner-child music. I think I finally drifted off to la-la-land around 5:00 a.m., only to awaken again by 6:00.

A strong headache haunted me all day long, and by mid afternoon I began to feel considerable nausea. I did not recognize the nausea until I attempted to eat one last pre-40-day-silence meal of hamburger and fries. Instead of delightfully consuming my coveted meat-treat, I found myself staring at an almost-full and barely-touched plate, realizing that if I took one more byte I would likely loose what little I had already swallowed.

That evening I felt even worse as I skipped meditation for the second night in a row, and headed back to the Doctor’s home, asking if he had any pro-biotics or the equivalent in his pharmacy.

As I lay in bed Friday evening, feeling absolutely miserable, I suddenly recalled my “there is a big difference between pain and suffering” lesson. Almost instantaneously I shifted into the realization that “Yes, my body is sick, exhausted, and simply wants to wallow in misery – yet my mind is perfectly healthy and whole.” Remembering that suffering over the physical condition of my body is simply a choice, I immediately chose peace and a joyful attitude rather than an emotional pity party.

With a great deal of determination and willpower, I began to spiritually ignore my pain, and instead I meditated on loving peaceful thoughts, finding gratitude in my heart for everything presently going on in my life. Then I began searching for possible positive and happy reasons as to why my body might be guiding me into some downtime.

As I continued this line of meditation, I recognized that this would be a great opportunity to let go of perfectionism, to simply stop studying while doing so with no guilt, to skip all meditations and yoga, and to just vegetate for a few days (or as long as recovery might take) – doing whatever I wanted to do or was mentally capable of doing, and no more.

*  *  *  *  *

Saturday was one of those days where I could easily have remained in my pajamas for the entire day – except for the fact that there was no way I was going to miss my 8:30 a.m. class. I love my morning classes. By Saturday evening, after 24 hours of pro-biotic pills, I had managed to eat a half bowl of rice for lunch and a half bowl for dinner. I was quite pleased with my stomach-stability progress. Other than my morning class, two meals, and many restroom breaks, my entire day was spent lying in bed – simply resting.

Yes, I my body still insisted throughout the day that it was miserable – but in my mind I continued to find relaxed and peaceful presence. I actually enjoyed my day of rest.

*  *  *  *  *

Early Sunday morning, I awoke with a vivid dream. It was not one of those earth-shattering life-changing types – yet it stood out for me just the same.

The dream was similar to many I have had throughout my adult post-schooling life. I dreamed that I was hurrying off to school to participate in some type of class. As I proceeded on my way, I suddenly remembered that I had previously enrolled in three post-graduate classes at Brigham Young University (BYU). As I focused on the issue, I realized that the semester was almost over, and I had never attended any of those classes – not a single one. I began to feel panic as I pondered the possible effects to my transcript, even though it was obvious to me that I was not in a full degree program.

My initial tendency was to blow this dream off as a silly meaningless fluke. I used to have such dreams through most of my adult post-school life. I never tried to interpret them, and never paid any attention to them. About the only thing they did for me was give me a feeling of panic – panic focused on how an ‘F” on my transcript (for non-participation) would affect my GPA and my public image.

Early Sunday afternoon, however, internal promptings reminded me of the dream, insisting that I focus on it for a while. The first thing I realized is that previous similar dreams had ceased when I returned to University to get my Masters degree at the beginning of 2006. Then, merely seconds after beginning to actually meditate on possible meanings, the answers flooded into my awareness.

It was all so obvious now. The dream was symbolically telling me that prior to my birth I had agreed (enrolled) to study certain things while pursuing my spiritual path during this lifetime – and that as of yet I had still failed to attend even a single class. As this message so powerfully resonated, I immediately began to soul-search as to exactly what subjects I may be ignoring.

My mind went almost immediately to the subject of “Sacred Geometry”. During my first long discussion with my friend Michiko in Playa Del Carmen, nearly one year ago, she felt strongly prompted to tell me “Oh Brenda, you really need to study Sacred Geometry.” I briefly glanced at a web site, found it fascinating, bookmarked the site, and then never returned.

Right before my Sun Course, Sandra told me that she had been reading about Sacred Geometry and was finding it fascinating. As she shared her experience with me, a strong prompting vibrated in my soul, peaking my interest, telling me that I needed to do the same. Again I bookmarked the thought in my mind, and promptly moved on.

Several times over the last 6 weeks I have thought about Sacred Geometry as I have heard other people make reference to it, but each time I stalled – I was too busy reading required materials to spread my time out on other non-essentials.

This morning, I walked out to find Sandra, told her about my dream and my interpretation – telling her there are things I still need to be studying before and/or during my silence. Then I asked her for her for the name of the Sacred Geometry book that she loved the most. She is in silence so she could not answer, but she wrote the title down for me.

To make a long story short, the book comes in two volumes and only the second was available in our library – yet I found out who has the first one and they are willing to loan it to me on a temporary basis. As I thumbed through the second volume, there is no doubt that it is the very one I need for now. I already noted that the book has many references to Pythagoras, and to Davinci’s Venusian man images (nude man laying in a circle) – both of which caused me to shiver with recognition as I realized the connection to my own spiritual guides – and then I noted a meditation technique detailed in the back that is based on Sacred Geometry. A brief visual scan powerfully confirmed that this technique was discussing the meditation energy that I have been periodically experiencing ever since my last five days of silence – the one that I was embarrassed to mention as being quite pleasurable.

I don’t plan on reading this book in its entirety – I plan to intuitively select parts that jump out at me, and to then use short reading episodes as  “gasoline” to fuel my spiritual fire during my long meditation periods over my 40 days. I can’t wait to get started.

*  *  *  *  *

By Sunday midday, my physical body continued to feel slightly weak, but my appetite was considerably improved. I still ate like a skinny bird, but was actually able to consume an entire bowl of rice for lunch. The pro-biotics seemed to be working miracles, and my physical spirits were greatly improved.

By evening, I actually wanted to attend meditation, and was very pleased by the outcome.

The first thirty minutes – while sitting upright and cross-legged – were quite the uphill journey through frequent thoughts of future and past – but I finally achieved a state of deep peaceful relaxation filled with the loving emotion that I now consider to be an essential part of my successful meditations. But it was not until the second half of the session that I found my real groove.

It was another evening of meditating on an “Angel Card” – cards containing names of spiritual virtues. For some reason, I just knew that I wanted the “Joy” card, but I also told myself that I would be thrilled to get something like happiness, peace, presence, etc…

As Jane (our meditation leader for Sunday night) walked around the room allowing people to choose a card from her little container, I went into deep meditation, asking for advance guidance on which card to choose. Seconds later, a simple little intuitive feeling (call it imagination if you will) told me to select the third card from the back. I began to question “which end of the little container will be the back?” Spirit just seemed to laugh at me as my intuition responded with “when Jane places the little ceramic box in front of you, the back will be the part furthest away from you.”

When the box was finally placed in front of me, without even waiting for more intuition, I flipped to the back of the cards, pushed the last two out of the way, grabbed the third, and was shocked to see the word “JOY” staring me down. I just smiled a huge smile, muffled an internal giggle, turned my mat sideways, and reclined on my back with my head toward the center. What are the chances of pulling that exact card out of a little container containing at least 50 other cards, probably many more than that?

Throughout that beautiful meditation, I completely relaxed my body as I passionately embraced joyful and loving emotions of all types, bringing every possible joyful memory into my mind as a way to fuel this powerful emotion.

As I did this, I noticed a very tingly and familiar energy begin to work its way up my legs (from my feet), stopping right at my root chakra area. Just as before, the energy was quite pleasurable, but would not continue through the rest of my body. Then I noticed the energy work its way up from my hands, stopping at my elbows.

“What do I need to get this energy to flow further up my spine and up my arms?” I asked myself. I began to focus on deeper relaxation, and on mentally coaxing and “willing” the energy to gradually continue. First I focused on my arms.

After about five minutes of focused concentration, I felt the energy begin to gradually work upward from my elbows, now creeping into unfamiliar territory, the energy took on a new twist, reminding me a little of how it feels when blood rushes back to a sleeping appendage – but even more unique. The sensation is difficult to describe – kind of like when you squeeze a plugged bottle of ketchup. As soon as the pressure reaches a strong enough point, the ketchup will burst through the blockage and spurt out of the spout. The energy in my arms felt as if pleasurable electrical pressure was building up in plugged passages, and then one by one bursting out through to my skin for the first time in a very long time (if not ever). As the experience reached my upper arms, the sensation was so powerful that I felt as if the sleeves on my white blouse were blowing up in the air with each burst of energy (as if a puff of air) and then landing back on my arms. Not wanting to spoil the moment, I never actually looked to see – but intuition tells me that my sleeves were not moving – that only the energy in my skin itself was moving powerfully, giving me the sensation of exterior movement.

Feeling thrilled at what I was experiencing, I was determined to see if I could get the energy from my legs to continue up past my root chakra. Using the same concentration techniques, I pushed the energy with all of my will, encouraging it move. Ever so slowly I began to feel the mildly-pleasurable energy fill my abdomen from bottom up. With constant focus, repeatedly returning to my emphasis on joyful loving emotion, I finally felt the energy reach the bottom of my rib cage.

“Ding”. Jane gently rang the brass edge of her small Tibetan bowl to signal that our time was up.

“No,” I silently exclaimed, “I am not done.”

I wanted to write in my journal last night, but I was even more excited to continue my meditation experience – so after gobbling down my second full bowl of rice for the day, I returned to my room to pick up where I left off. I returned to my meditative state of pure joyful and loving emotion, envisioned the energy, and easily coaxed it to work its way back to the top of my arms and to the bottom of my rib cage.

At that point I had to sink back into deep focused meditative (but joyful) effort. Gradually I succeeded in bringing the energy all the way to my neck, filling my entire chest cavity – but I seemed to hit another wall at that point. Nevertheless, I was thoroughly pleased with myself for what was for me an amazing accomplishment in using intuitive energy.

Little did I know that I was only beginning! After a few minutes, I felt the sensation of what seemed like a heavy soft pillow pressing down on my chest, right above my heart, but encompassing my entire rib cage area.

Immediately, my memory flashed to my first private session with Keith (Chocolate Shaman) in which he guided me through the merging of some energy from my higher self. Intuitively, I trusted the feelings telling me that this was more energy from my higher self, now ready to merge with me, signaling its presence and simply waiting for my permission to proceed.

The old me would have never felt the energy presence in the first place, and certainly would not have invited it in. The new me simply grinned and said, “Wow, let’s see where this goes.”

With love in my heart, I embraced the energy, inviting this part of my higher self to rejoin with my physical shell. Gradually, the pressure on my chest seemed to lesson as I intuitively felt that the merger was taking place. I cannot say that I felt any changes taking place inside my body, but my newfound energy awareness was definitely telling me that this was real.

Within a few minutes of the energy completing its merger, I again felt the presence of another heavy soft pillow pressing down on my heart chakra. Again I invited it in, with similar results. I began to feel the immensity of the amount of energy that I was absorbing, and wondered where it could all possibly fit within the boundaries of my tiny body.

Again, for the third and fourth times, the same experience repeated itself, at which point I began to ponder “Will all of this energy be focused on my heart chakra and chest area?”

Minutes later, I giggled with amazement at the confirmation to my question. This time I felt a very subtle but heavy pressure pushing down on my forehead and face. I simply smiled and joyfully embraced the slow merger process.

I stopped counting, but at least three or four more energy pillows then took turns merging back into my heart chakra. I felt gratitude that in answer to my question, one energy pillow had been sent to my third-eye chakra, but intuitively knew that the majority was aimed right at my heart. I continued to wonder with amazement, where all of this huge expansive energy could ever possibly fit.

*  *  *  *  *

I had stopped watching the clock long before, so I have no awareness of time. I specifically remember at one time asking spirit to not pull any punches, to give me whatever I could handle, whatever I was ready for. But after a great amount of this process, I was reaching a point of exhaustion and I begged spirit to stop, saying, “No more, unless of course you think I need it now.”

I eventually fell asleep, and for the first time in five nights, I slept straight through till around 2:30 a.m., when I woke up in need of a restroom break. (I had been up every hour on the other nights.) As I awoke, I could still feel the energy in my stomach – but I have to admit that I wasn’t quite sure if it was my stomach growling from intense hunger (three bowls of rice, one bowl of oatmeal and one-third hamburger in three days).

After my quick break and a little relaxation focus, I was back to sleep – going straight through to nearly 6:00 a.m.. Again, I felt as if the energy were still lingering.

*  *  *  *  *

Today (Monday) has been a beautiful, relaxed day.

I cannot explain what is different. I feel more peaceful, less driven by instinct, more able to be present without worries about what I should or should not be doing. My appetite is back with a vengeance. I ate three full meals today and still feel hungry. I have downed nearly twice as much water as I normally drink (taking me back to what I actually should have been drinking all along before I got sick) – and I have rarely had to rush off to the restroom with my little-bitty bladder.

I still feel somewhat drained, yet simultaneously energized.

I maintain a deep desire to leap forward in my spiritual journey, yet without the old drive for “work, work, work” and “do, do, do” egging me on.

I still feel mental chatter driving me insane as I begin to meditate, yet I have a deeper awareness of where I want to go, and it seems easier to get there.

I am very eager to discover if this newfound energy consciousness is permanent or something that will continue playing hide-and-go-seek with me.

This is all far too new for me to draw any conclusions about my experiences of the past five days. All I know is that the ride has been amazing, and that I am incredibly tired as I type these final words.

But, as usual, I cannot wait to see where tomorrow leads me. (Or should I say tonight?)

Tuesday, August 10 – 3:29 a.m.

A few minutes ago, I awoke from what has been an off-again-on-again sleep with an energy mildly washing up my spine, just enough to get my attention – just enough to be undeniable.

“I need my sleep.” I exclaimed as I lay their slightly surrendering.

Suddenly it hit me. The Universe/and my guides have been preparing me for years, doing the exact same thing that Keith did for me in two private sessions over the past few weeks. I now understand why everything has been happening the way it has. It would have been so easy for my Spiritual Guides to simply tell me, with words, all of the concepts that I needed to know – but I would never have understood, and subsequently I would never have paid attention in class. No – it had to be a personal experience, one which I struggled to obtain.

Rather than mentally and logically telling me all of the answers to what is going on with my energy and simply answering my questions, my Guides have been patiently standing by in their therapist chairs – patiently guiding me to discover my own answers – patiently leading me toward having my own personal inner experience of what it is that I need to experience. If someone had merely told me with words what I am supposed to know about energy I would never have understood any of it. I needed to experience this slow tedious inner journey exactly as it has been happening. I needed to discover it this way before Spirit could begin to interpret it for me.

I fully realize that I am just barely an infant in my explorations, but my energy awareness is now peaked in ways that words could never have convinced me. In my innermost core beliefs, I knew that others experience such energy, but I never imagined that I could begin to personally connect with the same understanding.

If Keith had told me at the beginning of our last session that I had a past-life blood contract that I needed to destroy, I would have been quite skeptical. I would have wanted to believe him, but would have resisted intensely. Instead, Keith gently pushed and prodded with clues and encouragement – giving me just enough fodder to spur me on until I allowed my own right-brained symbolism to surface inside of me, telling me essentially the same message that he could so easily have passed along to me – but then I never would have learned that I can do it myself.

With each step of my progress, Keith responded with just enough words to interpret what was happening, just enough to keep me wanting more, just enough to satisfy my left brain desire “to know” so that I would not give up in my seemingly impossible quest. At the same time, he was smart enough to never tell me too much until I first opened the next clue by myself. It was all quite ingenious.

As I type away here at 3:30 in the morning, the words are flowing as if being channeled through me.

Last night, as I tried to hurry and post these writings as my latest blog entry, everything went wrong. My internet switched to slow-speed with inconsistent connection loss. I had an inkling that maybe I should wait till morning – maybe there was still more to write – but I was tired and simply insisted that I wanted to post what I had. As internet returned, and I got close to achieving my goal, my computer then crashed. Again, I tried and almost succeeded, and the connection simply disappeared yet again. Finally, I listened to the message telling me go to bed, that there was a tiny bit more to experience and to write before I was ready to post.

Then, after shutting down my laptop, I also remembered two other things I had wanted to write but had forgotten. The first is that I believe my stomach problems were given to me to induce a state of pseudo-fasting in which I was more sensitive to the energy – as if I had been in retreat for several days. It makes so much sense that the Universe wants me to be lean and mean right now as far as my nutrition and my load on my digestive system – helping me to recognize that in this state I am more connected to the energy flows.

The second thing I had wanted to mention is something a woman said to me last night after I finished gobbling down my bowl of rice at a nearby restaurant. As I was talking to Kathy from Blue Lily, another woman whom I had never officially met jumped into the middle of our conversation.

Her words were something like: “I just wanted to tell you that even though we have never really met or connected, I have an observation to pass along. From when I first saw you in San Marcos compared to now, right here tonight, you literally look ten years younger than you did then. I do not know what you are doing in your life right now, but you need to continue doing it.”

I walked away practically floating as I knew exactly what I was doing and why I must look younger. I feel younger, enthused with what is happening, rejuvenated by the connections that are gradually unfolding around me in my personal experience. And I haven’t even begun my 40 days of silence yet.

I’m tired, my intuition tells me I am done with my quick writing burst, and I am going back to bed.

Up Again at 4:00 A.M.

OK, so I was wrong. How can you possibly sleep when it feels as if someone has hooked up my lower back to a very subtle low-voltage electrical shock system, constantly sending a low stream of current into the surrounding muscle tissue, making it twitch and turn ever so gently. It is just enough to let me know that energy events are running around inside of me like excited little toddlers, exploring the boundaries of their play pen, shaking on the walls, insisting that they do not want to take a nap.

I feel as if I am a young child trying to sleep on the night before a huge trip to Disneyland. I am too excited to sleep, yet I know that I will not be able to thoroughly enjoy Disneyland if I don’t sleep first.

I am also being guided that I will wait yet one more day before posting. I begin my silence on what is now tomorrow morning (Wednesday) after our 8:30 a.m. class. I think I will post this entry tonight, along with any additional writing. Then, beginning tomorrow I will start a new series of posts called “Sun Silence: Episode 1” etc…

Tuesday (same day) at 2:00 P.M.

What a beautiful day this is turning out to be. My group just participated in a self-organized pre-silence gathering where we all shared our love and wisdom and song with each other. I am so excited about starting silence tomorrow.

I was going to wait to post, but tonight we are spending the evening together and tomorrow is the day … so the time to post is now.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

 
(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Monday, August 2 – 7:00 p.m.

Just as with Saturday, My Sunday (yesterday) was accompanied by a feeling of spiritual disconnect – a feeling of rebellion toward rules – a feeling of being confused between the messages in my head versus the subtle feelings in my heart.

Throughout the majority of my life, I have desperately adhered to structure and rules. As a young struggling teenage boy, my external behavior was all I could use to prove my worth to the world. I desperately clung to the belief that if I did everything the “right way” that I could be cured, loved, and accepted. All I ever wanted was to be normal and to blend invisibly into society. My biggest terrorizing nightmare was that someone might figure out that I was “different.”

Try as I might (during the last few years) to break free of these unwelcome bonds that have restricted me my entire life, I still have clots of that excessive rule-following blood running through my veins. When I started the Sun Course, I was determined to participate in it with an “attitude” – to do it my way, listening to my personal internal promptings, breaking any rule to which my heart might not fully identify.

What I learned as I began the Sun Course is that there are no rules in the Sun Course, so to say. Yes, we have suggested study materials, and a small amount of structure. Yes, we have classes in which we study Tarot, Astrology, Kabala, etc – but there is no test at the end of the day, no one to tell us if we are doing things right. It is highly understood that this is an individual experience. About the only real structure we have been given is that Chaty asked us to spend our first 50 days filling our head with as much of the related intellectual information as possible. Then, during our final 40 days of silence and reduced diet we will do the exact opposite – we will cease reading and will instead spend our entire day spinning with spirit – meditating, writing, experiencing, etc.

But, nevertheless, even with no rules, I still seem to be subconsciously doing things the way they are “supposed to be done”.

I suspect that a great deal of my struggles on Saturday and Sunday are related to the fact that my dear friend Sandra announced to me in class on Friday that she will be entering her silence ten days early – beginning on Monday evening after meditation. This revelation triggered in me considerable deep emotion and pondering. Just like Sandra, my heart is telling me that I have learned enough – that I need to spend my time spiritually spinning and emotionally experiencing – enough already with the head-learning.

Nevertheless, I attempted to spend my Saturday in study mode – only to find myself constantly resisting – until after evening meditation that is. For me, writing for three and a half hours on Saturday evening was the most spiritually powerful portion of my day.

Sunday started out with beautiful intentions, but I again fizzled. I had a great Skype conversation with my dear friend Jeanette, but the moment my headset was placed on the table I felt my resistance again surface with a vengeance. I was determined to finish reading a book called the Kybalion – a book about ancient Hermetic teachings – a powerful little book that I first read during my Moon Course – one of only two books that are “required” reading for the Sun Course.

During the week I was thoroughly enjoying my reading, but Sunday I had to force myself. Nevertheless, I did indeed finish the book for the second time – but in so doing I felt as if I were beating my head against a brick wall. My soul was telling me that I should be doing something else, and I was not listening.

By evening I was a basket case – feeling totally disconnected from source – feeling as if I would like to just hide out in my room, curl up on my bed, and cry – attempting to access the bottled up emotion that was making me feel spiritually sterile. But instead, I put on my fake smile and participated in a delightful dinner gathering at the Japanese restaurant – a dinner in which our Sun Course gathered to celebrate Sandra’s entering of silence.

At one point in the evening, Sandra looked over at me with a glow in her eyes and commented something like “You’re in a whole different world right now, aren’t you,”

We had talked about my struggle earlier, and I was not all that successful in hiding it. I was trying to be social, to be happy, and to be bubbly, but my heart simply wanted to run away to some remote desert island (or was that dessert LOL) – or perhaps to my bed with a pillow over my head.

I don’t mean to say that I didn’t have fun at dinner last night – I loved my bonding experience with my group – I am deeply grateful that I chose to participate – yet I definitely did not connect as I would have had I been more spiritually in tune with my own soul.

During dinner, a huge cloudburst drenched the surrounding area. Yes, the outdoor eating area of the Japanese restaurant is covered, but we were still getting considerable spray from the sides as rain blew through in horizontal splatters. At one point I had deep memories of Tropical Storm Agatha just two months ago – the rain was every bit as intense as the strongest bursts of Agatha – even more so.

The normal path back to the Pyramids from the Japanese restaurant is to walk down onto the muddy soccer field and to then wind around through dark, un-lit narrow, muddy paths through a jungle trail that then joins up with the main paved sidewalk through town. At my suggestion, with thoughts of avoiding the dark muddy water-puddles, our group instead took a different route – a detour up a path that took us first into the center of San Marcos.

As we connected up with the upper part of the main north-south sidewalk, we were quite shocked to find a small rapidly-rushing stream running down the sloped sidewalk. The water was swift and furious, but only about three to four inches deep in most places.

I quickly removed my hiking shoes, opting to go barefoot rather than to soak my only pair of non-flip-flops. As we traversed the unexpected stream back down the hill toward the pyramids, the energy we felt all along the path is that something big was happening further up the valley. One rumor from people along the way indicated that the river had jumped its bank and was forming a different channel. A few of our group even began to worry about whether or not we were safe in the pyramids. Sandra and I, who had both been here during Agatha, assured the others that we would be fine where we were at.

As I arrived back in my little pyramid dwelling last night, I was tired and my mind was over-stimulated by the evening’s unexpected events – both of which were great reasons to not do the writing I had hoped to do, but to instead simply crash on my pillow, still without having given myself a soapbox on which to process and to release my pent-up emotions.

*  *  *  *  *

Today (Monday) started out very much as an emotional repeat of yesterday. I began the day as I usually do, with my 7:00 a.m. yoga class. I am very pleased with my gradual progress from having completed two and a half months of yoga training. I can definitely tell that my body is increasingly more flexible, while my muscles are more agile and less shaky. When I began my Moon Course, I had a difficult time even sitting up straight for 30 minutes without my back aching. When I began meditating cross-legged in my Sun Course my hips were totally locked up and my back was killing me with sharp pain – yet I pushed through both experiences. Now, I can sit up straight and cross-legged without any back-pain whatsoever. Yes, my feet still begin to go to sleep after about 20 minutes, but I continue to see gradual improvement every day.

Chaty has been absent from classes for a whole week, and today was her first day back in our 8:30 a.m. class. We had heard that she was suffering from back pain, but today, in a delightful personal sharing session, we found out the true story.

Several times over the last couple of decades, Chaty has had episodes where her back has gone out – forcing her to lay flat in bed for a week or two. Each time this has happened she has been blessed with abundant free time with which to spiritually fly while receiving new channeled messages.

Chaty explained to us that when her back goes out, it is as if the slipped disk in her spine opens up a doorway or a portal to the hidden worlds, allowing her to go deeper into new growth. She told us this morning that she has been receiving instructions regarding a new post-Sun-Course retreat that she will eventually put into practice. When we asked for details, she just smiled and indicated that we will have to wait.

She also asked for our blessing and patience – telling us that she is going to continue her spiritual “spinning” for one more week. She explained that beginning this week we will be learning a new therapy technique involving crystals and small amounts of massage – and that Kathy (a licensed massage therapist and one of the incredible staff here) will be a much better teacher for this week’s lessons.

As I pondered Chaty’s words – words where she expressed a deep recognition of the blessings that come with her back pain – I was inspired with many realizations about my own situations with bugs – bugs biting me on the outside and bugs sucking my nutrition on the inside. It hit me that these are both great blessings, causing me to alter my normal life-style in one way or another – causing me to do things differently than I might normally do – bringing me new growth opportunities which I might miss if I were to go about my future days as usual.

I honestly believe that my parasite medications are making me feel a little loopy and disconnected. And I believe that the effects of this disconnected state are causing me to do some deep emotional soul searching – causing me to reevaluate my continued focus on my mental book-learning binges – causing me to recognize that my soul is crying out for a change of diet – a diet balanced with more rich spiritual/emotional connection and with fewer of those bland mental tidbits. Perhaps if I were not on these parasite medications I would have felt mentally strong enough to continue hitting the books – perhaps missing out on opportunities that will only surface once I shift my focus to the heart space.

But I am getting a little ahead of myself.

After class, and after my late breakfast, I took a walk through San Marcos to survey the storm damage from last night. I half expected to discover a plugged up river channel, overflowing with new boulders pushed down by a large flash flood. Instead, I discovered muddy streets through the center of town. The basketball court in the very center was covered in several inches of gushy mud. The homes above the park which is just above the basketball court were heavily flooded, but seemed to suffer very little structural damage.

As I walked by the river channel, noticing no damage whatsoever, I was feeling puzzled by lack of seeing a source for the water flow. Just as I was turning to walk away, I heard someone calling my name. It was Michelle – a beautiful woman who is the same acupuncturist who led our group experience on Saturday – the same woman who sometimes leads our Sunday meditations at the pyramids. To make a long story short, we had a long and delightful conversation. I learned that a flash flood had come down the mountain, following a different path (not in the river channel), coming down through the center of the upper valley, flooding several of the homes above town. Michelle told me that Sam’s old home – the same one in which I received Reiki training in May – was filled with several inches of mud. Several people in the area near that home had to wade through waste deep water last night to escape the unexpected fury.

But the part of my conversation with Michelle that inspired me was her words regarding her own experiences in the Sun Course – words where she validated my needs to follow my heart and to do it my way. She also gave me some great pointers to help me maintain focus when attempting to astral travel. Overall, I feel as if I was guided to bump into her, and that the conversation was critical in helping to turn around my moods and attitudes.

I soon returned to my room with intentions to just meditate and to reconnect with my heart’s desires. As I began to immerse myself in quiet time, the first prompting that came to me was to pull out my Tarot deck and to do a large pyramid shaped spread, representing my current status in my Sun Course Process.

Wanting some detailed guidance, I opted to pull seven cards for each side of my three-sided pyramid layout – one side representing past, one for present, and one for future. The seven cards for my past were quite powerful – showing that I have moved through great emotional and spiritual growth and closure, reaching a state of powerful love, emotional clarity, forward movement, spiritual connection and shifted perspectives.

The cards for my present and future seemed to make sense, but were slightly confusing as I stared at them. Just at that moment, I heard Sandra’s voice nearby outside my pyramid. A strong prompting flashed into my head, telling me that I should ask her if she would help me to interpret my cards, adding to my own intuitive insights.

Thirty minutes later, I had my wish as Sandra made her way into my room and seated herself on the floor right beside me. I am always amazed when I work with her by how she seems to ignore the traditional rules of interpreting the cards, instead following her own personal intuition in whatever way the cards seem to speak to her – and they seem to be magic at her fingertips.

I was particularly fascinated by the way she helped add clarity to my other cards. With regards to my “present” I had pulled five very positive cards – but also pulled two cards that I at first rejected. One was a card that indicated emotional struggle and the other was a card that indicated mental conflicts that caused me to lose sleep. As I emotionally pushed these cards away, I quickly smiled at myself as I realized that in all actuality I am struggling right now – struggling with my emotional confusion over the mental stuff that I am trying to force into my head.

Sandra added the much needed extra insights as she pointed out that the mental struggle card was stuck right between a powerful card that indicated spiritual light and guidance and another powerful card that indicated deep subconscious connection. She smiled as she pointed out that the mental battles going on inside of me were standing right in the middle of these two great spiritual gifts – preventing me from bringing them both together.

Then, as we examined the next seven cards for the near future in my process, it all made sense. The first card was a powerful, but unwanted card that implied knowledge and authority – mental stuff that I wanted to reject. Sandra helped me put that card and the remaining six in perspective, making all he remaining cards tell an obvious and beautiful story – a story telling me that I had great strength backing me in the intellectual area as I faced the many confusing emotional choices placed before me, but that I would find the spiritual valor and courage to plow through this confusion, finding true Temperance (something that has been coming up for me a lot lately), bringing my mental battles to an end, with great emotional completion.

Another thing I just absolutely loved about this reading is that the top card of the pyramid – along with both cards on either side of the top – were all Queens. In the middle was the Queen that I chose to represent me – the Queen of Pentacles, reigning in the beauty of physical nature with her feet rooted firmly in the soil. Adjacent on the right – the very first card I pulled for the “past”, was the Queen of Cups – representing great clarity and dominion over the emotional world. Adjacent on the left – the very last card I pulled on the cards representing the “future” – was the Queen of Wands – representing great clarity and dominion over the spiritual world – something which I am earnestly seeking. I thought it extremely appropriate, given my lifelong journey with gender, to have three powerful queens sitting right at the top of my reading.

Once Sandra left my pyramid dwelling, I was fully back in the present moment, determined to end this silly internal mental battle raging in my head, and to instead reconnect with my heart – honoring the commitments that I made about my time here in San Marcos. I am not here to please Chaty or anyone else – I am here to follow my own heart – to achieve my own personal internal growth – to connect with meditation in a way that has a proven track record of working for me rather than beating my head against a tree trying to do it someone else’s way. (Attempting to meditate on my breath has again begun causing me great mental resistance.)

Amazingly, as I wiped away the few tears that came up, I felt great clarity in my decision to again be true to my own heart rather than trying to do what I believe someone else wants me to do.

With new-found peace, I walked to lunch and decided to break all the rules. I have been back on a vegetarian diet for a little over two weeks – but I ordered a burger and fries at the only restaurant in all of Central America where I have actually loved the burger and fries. The fries are to-die-for, and I was craving them. As I sat waiting for my order, I had a delightful hour-long chat with Carlos, my now-friend who is the owner of the restaurant. Our conversation always had a spiritual twist, but he initially took it in the direction of discussing the troubles in the world. Listening with a loving smile in my heart, I patiently waited for the right moments to respond. Then, using Carlos’s own previously-made spiritual comments, I gradually brought peace and closure to the discussion.

I discussed with him about my experiences with the Olmec Shaman who held me in his arms and told me “Brenda, there is a big difference between pain and suffering.” I then applied this concept to the state of the world condition, reminding him that he himself had said something similar – that the situation in the U.S. today is causing many people to reevaluate their lives and to focus more on a spiritual path toward enlightenment. I reminded him that yes, the world seems to be a mess, but suffering about that state is a choice that we get to choose. I was quite proud of myself for the way I flowed in this conversation. Lately, I have been having a lot of fun with these lunchtime conversations with Carlos.

As I finish my writing on this beautiful Monday evening in San Marcos, I am once again at the top of my spiritual roller coaster ride. I know that there will be many more exciting ups, downs, and sharp turns in my thrilling roller coaster ride of life – and I am determined to experience each of these with an attitude of love and joy.

Tuesday, August 3 – 7:50 p.m.

Last night as I tried to go to sleep, my heart was racing as I recognized all the familiar physical signs of a panic attack. What is strange is that while my body was showing signs of panic, my mind was rooted in deep peace. For several hours I simply observed my body while pondering about my recent session with the Chocolate Shaman – focusing on the energy events going on inside my mind. I repeatedly imagined myself lovingly coaxing my scared physical body to surrender and to trust. My intuition told me that ego was throwing a fearful temper tantrum. Ego’s grip is constantly slipping away, and it probably feels quite frightened as I plow forward in an attempt to make it no longer relevant.

I never did figure out what the subconscious issue causing the physical panic might have been, and around midnight I succumbed to a mental need for sleep. After taking a light sleeping pill to calm my body, I was soon off to unconscious dreamland. The amazing thing about last night’s roller coaster ride is that even with the rapid heart beat and churning stomach, I never left a peaceful emotional state – not once.

This morning, in our 30 minute meditation before class, I achieved a deep spiritual connection. Rather than simply focusing on my breath, I instead focused my entire time on the unconditional love and gratitude that I feel in my heart for family and incredible friends. One by one, I pictured the faces of my loved ones, feeling their energy, connecting with their hearts, focusing on powerful loving memories.

During the last five minutes, joy-filled tears of gratitude streamed down my cheeks. I once again found my meditation groove. I powerfully realized this morning that the reason my meditations have been dry and sterile as of late is that I was doing the meditation from a mental perspective. I had been focusing on my breath using the left brain logical mind to do it. This morning, my soul powerfully reminded me that the secret to spiritual connection is through the heart and the right-brain consciousness. After this morning’s breakthrough, I plan to again try focusing on the breath, but doing it from a deep loving perspective rather than from a logical perspective.

I don’t know why this lesson has been so hard to learn. I have internalized it many times in the past, but every time I have gradually slipped back into the mental traps. Hopefully I will remember my insights for a little longer during this spiritual growth cycle.

*  *  *  *  *

I continue to get occasional free allergy shots, but I am starting to recognize that they seem to be happening sometime during the day rather than under my sheets at night. This evening, as I took a visual inventory of my red itchy blotches, I also realized that the vast majority of the bytes are on my right side – right arm, right leg, right side of the chest, etc… Hmmm, I wonder what that means. Sounds like a question for meditation. I wonder if all of these bites are somehow related to my left-brained mental battle – relating to the ride side of my body.

At this point, I am still hoping to resolve the matter from a spiritual perspective, but am getting very close to making some physical adaptations – perhaps buying some bug killing spray, for sure sending all of my clothing to the local laundry so they can be run through a wash and a hot dryer (to hopefully kill any hiding bugs).

*  *  *  *  *

Another issue that has been causing me mental battles as of late is that of mold and a general mustiness in my room. All put together, the frequent heavy rains, combined with the darkness of the rooms and the unpainted wooden walls all contribute to creating a great environment for the odiferous little spores to flourish. Mine were a light powdery-white colored variety. For weeks I have been simply ignoring the growing situation, considering it inevitable and unavoidable. But during the last few days I have also begun to realize I need to do something about it rather than simply practice Temperance.

I planned to just buy some chlorine bleach spray or something similar to spray on the walls, but yesterday I felt prompted to briefly ask Irma at the front office for advice on what I should do.

“I will come over tomorrow at 2:00 p.m. to wash and disinfect your walls” Irma had told me.

Instinctively, a deep feeling inside told me to not get too attached to the timing of it all, but the logical part of me – the blessing and the curse – blocked out my entire afternoon, even postponing lunch so as to be in or around my room at 2:00 in the afternoon.

*  *  *  *  *

In the meantime, I returned a couple of books to the pyramids library and asked for recommendations of something more delightful to read than all the heavy stuff that I have been reading as of late.

The librarian, Tom, acted surprised by my desire to deviate from our standard course material, to which I replied “I am done reading that stuff. I need to find something to focus on that will make my heart sing.”

I walked away with two books that came highly recommended. The first is a delightful little book called “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers” by Debbie Ford. The second is “The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying.” The first was calling to me, even though I had already listened to it on audio tape about six years ago.

I was amazed as I began rapidly speed-reading through the early sections of the book. The book pretty much teaches exactly what I believe about everything being an “Inside Job” projected outward – with the world we see being a mirror of our own inner states. The refreshing thing is that the book does it from an entirely different perspective that immediately began causing me to do some deep thinking.

Little jabs began hitting me left and right, pointing out areas where I still project my personal issues in some very strong ways. The one that came to mind in the most powerful awareness today is an issue I have been dealing with for 13 months now – the fact that nearly everyone (the local and indigenous people) in Mexico and Central America seems to snub their nose at appointments and schedules, showing up when they feel so inclined to do so, and not a second before.

As I was reading the book and thinking about this issue, my inner resentments were building as I witnessed Irma and Maria walk out to an outdoor table at 2:05 p.m., carrying their lunches. They sat there eating and visiting for over thirty minutes without showing the slightest concern for my time – for the fact that I was waiting for them.

On the outside I was being very patient and loving. On the inside I was struggling to push down the negative energy and judgments.

“How dare she make me waste my afternoon when I could be doing so many other things other than to wait around for her!” My ego pompously pounded its chest in the depths of my inner thoughts.

In the meantime, I simply observed my bizarre emotions and judgmental feelings. I began to ponder what Debbie Ford was telling me in the book – stuff I already know but apparently don’t fully practice – telling me that if I feel emotionally charged up about an issue it is because I struggle with that issue myself.

“I don’t make commitments to other people and then stand them up.” I told myself again with a denying smug attitude.

Then, after a few more minutes of pondering and continued self-introspection, I hit upon the truth … “But I do make commitments to myself and then stand myself up … and oh, how I long for the personal permission to not take my own life in such a structured, scheduled, perfectionistic way … to simply blow off and postpone an appointment because my heart wants to do something else.”

In fact, the whole mental battle I have faced this week is highly related to the idea of keeping commitments that I have with others (the Sun Course), while not keeping the commitment I have with myself – a commitment to be true to inner promptings telling me to do things my way.

To make a long story short, at 2:40 p.m., I bit my tongue, lovingly walked over to interrupt Irma at her outdoor lunch, and politely told her that I would be glad to clean the mold myself if she could just loan me the supplies and show me what I need to do etc… and then I mentioned that first, I wanted to go get some lunch because I as starving.

She lovingly smiled and responded “That would be fine … yes, go get some lunch … we will wait for you.”

I felt really proud of myself as I walked away and had a burger and fries for the second day in a row. Meanwhile, I continued to read my new book-of-the-day, continuing to process my emotions even further.

By the time I returned to the pyramids at 3:30 p.m., I was centered in a place of deep love. I approached Irma, expecting her to give me some rags and antiseptic solution of some sort – but five minutes later she was over in my room, insisting that she do it herself. As she worked on the first half of my room, she told me that she would just clean half today and finish tomorrow.

“Can I just borrow the stuff and finish it myself?” I asked her, telling her that tomorrow I want to go to Panajachel, and I really don’t wan to sleep two more nights with the mold.

Bless her heart, she finished it all during the next 30 minutes, still not letting me do it myself. In the meantime we had a great conversation, getting to know each other a little better.

As I look back on the whole situation, I realize that I still have a huge number of emotional hang-ups with which I am dealing – issues that I have carried around in my backpack for so many years that they seem normal to me. I am very grateful for the lessons in love and patience that I learned today – and for the lessons I learned in not projecting my personal issues onto others.

Thursday, August 5 – 4:30 p.m.

One thing that happened on Tuesday – something I forgot to previously mention – is that my friend Katie (from the Sun Course) mentioned to me that she was going to go see Keith (the Chocolate Shaman) for a private session on Thursday morning at 11:00 a.m..

As She told me this, I indicated that I have felt a strong prompting that I need to walk over to his home to make an appointment for myself to go again – something deep inside of me was yearning to be discovered, and I had no clue just what it might be.

Katie suggested that I could walk over with her on Thursday morning to show her how to locate Keith’s home – and that I could make the appointment at that time. This scenario literally felt right and I replied “absolutely,” adding that we ought to do breakfast together first.

“That will give me something to look forward to.” Katie responded with a beautiful smile.

*  *  *  *  *

Yesterday, Wednesday morning after a very long-but-beautiful class session, I made my periodic obligatory half-day boat trip to Panajachel to get enough cash and supplies to last me through my 40 days of silence that begins next Wednesday. I was amazed as I walked down to the boat docks here in San Marcos. With all of the rain that we had in the previous three weeks (since my last trip to the docks and Panajachel) the water level had risen at least another three to four feet.

I’m not including photos here, but if you go back to look at my old post-tropical storm Agatha photos with a group of people standing on a dock that was just about one foot above water – well that dock and the one that is a couple of feet higher leading out to it are both under a heavy layer of water that is at least two feet above the higher dock. The new covered dock which was even higher, and not yet in use at the time, is now about one or two inches above the water line. The slightest waves in the lake wash up over the top. I just giggled and rolled up my pants while walking out to climb into my boat.

A similar situation exists all over the lake, as most boat docks are completely under water. In the main public boat stops, the docks have all been modified in some way in order to make it possible to reach the incoming and outgoing boats. In Panajachel, to get two and from the public boat dock, I had to walk across a two feet pile of sandbags in order to even reach the temporary make-shift dock.

*  *  *  *  *

Last night, after an exhausting day-trip, I went to meditation feeling quite drained, but determined to have a better experience filled with loving emotions and energy.

During the guided-imagery part of meditation, I “broke the rules” by completely ignoring what Kathy was saying as she guided us on dealing with past emotional issues – nothing was coming up for me and I had other things to do. I silently asked the many spiritual guides who hang out in the pyramid temple if they could help me find some new insights.

The first that came was that it is very important to visualize and work with the Kabalistic Tree of Life as it relates to the physical body (microcosm) – exactly as I had begun to do during our previous five days of silence. Interestingly enough, Chaty has set aside two weeks of our Sun Course time (beginning this week) to learn a therapy technique involving the Tree of Life, relaxing massage, crystals, aura cleansing, etc… My insight during meditation told me to pay close attention to what we learn during these two weeks.

The other flash of unexpected awareness was something that put the last piece in a puzzle for me – I have struggled with the concept of Lucid Dreaming versus Astral Travel, and with the confidence about whether or not I am capable of actually doing the Astral Travel part. Yes, I had my first powerful Lucid Dream last week, but it seemed to happen only when it wanted to, and I still don’t know what I am doing. Suddenly, it hit me as I lay on my mat in the darkened temple – Astral Traveling and Lucid Dreaming are exactly the same thing – both take you out in the Astral realm – the only difference is in how you get there. I had heard Chaty and Sandra both say similar things, but it had never registered until the simple thought entered my mind “Astral traveling is simply entering the dream state without losing your conscious awareness in the process” while “Lucid Dreaming is regaining your consciousness while already in the dream state.”

*  *  *  *  *

I felt quite energized after meditation, and headed out to my favorite tree in the garden to share some energy – a beautiful (to me anyway) tree with which I seem to be developing an intimate relationship (on a spiritual level). As I stood in the same spot where I stand almost every evening, I suddenly felt ants biting into my bare feet. When I looked down, at least thirty or forty of the tiny little black large-toothed creatures were climbing up onto my feet all at once, with many of them already curled up, biting me tightly.

“Ouch” I exclaimed as I quickly jumped up and down, knocking them off my feet, and then ran to a spot about ten feet away to survey the damage. Immediately, a new group of the feisty little critters began to climb up and munch on my feet, again beginning to bite quite viciously.

Dancing around for a second time to clear my feet of the painful predators, I ran to a third spot, another ten feet away. Again, I was immediately swarmed by yet another hoard of six-legged invaders, planting their teeth into my feet. Over the next twenty seconds or so I danced my way out of the medicinal garden, utterly surprised by the ferocity of the little ants in places where I had never before encountered them.

I followed a prompting which said “just leave the garden tonight – do something different for a change.”

As I walked up the path toward my pyramid, I bumped into Katie. Her first words were to tell me that normally she doesn’t normally go out to dinner after meditation, but for some reason she is starving tonight. Within about ten seconds of back and forth conversation, we both responded to mutual promptings, and agreed to go out for a soup together.

In the back of my mind I suddenly realized “This is all a synchronous setup … Tonight’s conversation needs to take place, and the ants were sent to drive me out of the garden just in time to meet up with Katie.” I have given up trying to explain such incidents with rational thought – there is no doubt in my mind that Spirit set up this dinner. She later told me that she had thought of me just moments before I showed up in her path.

Katie and I had a delightful two-hour talk – connecting at a very deep spiritual level. I explained to her about my evening meditation insights, following which she and I just intuitively bounced flashes of insight off each other, back and forth, sharing how our mental-struggle journeys of the past week are so similar, and how our discussion tonight was triggering so much amazing growth in each of us.

I feel such a deepening bond with my new friend Katie – a 29 year old way beyond her years – a beautiful young woman who is going to make a huge difference in the world around her.

*  *  *  *  *

This morning (Thursday), after our 8:30 a.m. class, Katie and I scurried over to enjoy a quick breakfast before arriving at Keith’s (Chocolate Shaman) about 15 minutes late. We both intuitively knew that “late” would be OK. I immediately told Keith that I had come to accompany Katie with the intent to schedule another appointment for myself. After hem hawing around about how busy that he and Barbara will be over the next few days – telling me that she is flying back to the U.S. next week – Keith finally blurted out: “How about today at 1:30 p.m.?”

I just smiled inside, having already felt a very strong feeling that my appointment would be today. In fact, I had already put my extra money in my bag, just in case I did not have time to go back to my room first.  In the meantime, while Katie was in her own two-and-a-half hour session, I scurried around running several quick errands – changing sheets, dropping off laundry, and trying to catch a one-hour nap (I didn’t sleep much last night because I tried really hard to stay conscious while falling into a dream state – the only thing that happened is that I was quite awake until the wee morning hours … LOL)

*  *  *  *  *

As my own appointment started just after 1:30 p.m., I had no clue where it would lead. I explained to Keith that just like our last appointment, I had no idea why I was there – I was simply following a strong prompting and would love to go deeper into my energy experiences.

“Wow, I can tell you came being extremely ready to work.” Keith told me with a look of surprise in his eyes as he told me that he could feel that my internal energy was raring to get started.

“What are you feeling right now?” Keith asked me, as he explained that he was being guided to make me figure out my own feelings before he chimed in to add additional insight.

“I feel a feeling of incredible warmth completely surrounding me.” I replied as I literally felt an excited but peaceful energy vibration hugging me from all sides.

“Exactly,” Keith replied with enthusiasm, “and the name of that energy is Love.”

I already knew that – and I gladly responded to Keith’s encouragement to simply immerse myself in the feeling of that incredible loving energy as it embraced me. After a few minutes, I felt as if the energy mysteriously disappeared, vanishing unexpectedly.

“I feel like when I get so close, I suddenly hit a wall, and get stuck.” I told Keith with a questioning tone. “I have many incredible experiences and then feel that I can go no further.”

We discussed the wall, how it is a normal protection, created by my own higher self to protect me from getting “sunburned” by the light on the other side. Keith explained that we can only tolerate so much increased spiritual light at any one time, and that we need to be patient with the way the energies work with our healing and growth.

Then Keith guided me through a short meditation where we began to play with the wall. He told me to walk right up to the wall and to open up a window to the other side. As I did so, I could feel, and partially see, a brilliant white light pouring in from the other side.

While doing so, I felt a certain amount of peace, but still felt quite stuck. Keith asked me what I thought the wall might represent. After thinking for a while, I responded that it was my attitudes of needing to be perfect, judging myself for my inabilities to go further, plus a fear of what it might mean if I succeed in moving further into the light.

When I said “need to be perfect” in my spirituality, Keith responded “Exactly.” Then he explained something which I already know, and which I just recently read about last week as I re-read the Kybalion. There is a rhythm in the universe. It is like the waves of the ocean. In between every high wave is a low spot. It is perfectly normal to advance in spiritual waves with low spots in between the growth spurts. Then Keith told me something that tickled my inner fancy – the most amazing space to be in is when the waves die down to an inner peace and you can literally enjoy the constant ripples running through your soul – no incredible highs followed by corresponding lows – just constant incoming energizing ripples. I consider this great fodder for future meditation.

As I continued to feel stuck, and as we discussed “taking my spiritual path too seriously”, I mentioned to Keith that this is the same insight that I have repeatedly been aware of for several years – yet I continue to slip into “serious” mode where I feel as if I must work, work, work, at doing my spiritual path the way it must be done in order to get where I need to go.

Immediately our discussion shifted to a discussion regarding the origins of this interesting belief system – my Mormon roots, the incredible example of continuous work ethic given to me by my father, etc…

Then we talked about my deepest desire – that desire being to learn to love unconditionally and to eliminate all judgment in my life.

In a very beautiful and subtle way, Keith lovingly pointed out that I was still judging myself when I caught myself judging others … a very interesting paradox. I knew he was dead on.

Then Keith told me he was going to help me dig deeper, to discover other possible sources of this forceful internal drive to achieve – a drive that often gets in the way of my attempts to simply chill and to be present in the continuous moment.

In another guided meditation, Keith asked me to visualize a basket in front of me, sitting in my lap.

“Tell me what is inside the basket.” Keith requested politely.

I hesitated, feeling slightly embarrassed, as I finally told him that the only thing that I could definitely feel, and partially see, in the basket was a “whoopee cushion.” I have never liked whoopee cushions, and have felt as if they are bizarre and crude attempt at meaningless humor. We all had a laugh and giggle as I realized that I was being told, yet again, to not take my path so seriously – using the metaphor of a humorous object that the serious side of me does not find to be funny.

Keith continued prodding, implying that there was something else hidden in my basket – but I simply could not see nor imagine anything else inside.

I continued to try to see something else, but nothing came to me other than the feeling that I was wrapped in chains that were binding me and holding me from achieving my goal. Finally, I found the courage to simply tell Keith that I see nothing, but feel as if I am wrapped up in chains.

“Perfect.” Keith responded. “That is exactly what I was looking for.

“I believe you may have made some type of binding magical contract in a distant past life,” Keith added, “… an agreement that you would work, work, work at spirituality, doing whatever it takes – not only in that lifetime but in all future lifetimes, ending only when you finally achieve enlightenment.”

Then Keith began to get more specific, asking if I could see any type of contract, perhaps a sheet of paper or a scroll, or something like that.

As I tried to again visualize in the basket, I remembered that in an earlier guided meditation, Keith asked me to visualize a past life where I might have been part of some cloistered and secluded group – perhaps a monastery setting, perhaps something else. I felt a strong intuitive sense that I had once belonged to a very secret and devoted group of what felt like some type of monks.

When I told him I still couldn’t see anything else, Keith asked me to again look into the basket. Finally, I told him the only thing I could perceptually sense, but not see, was the edge of what felt like a flat piece of paper in the bottom of the basket. By now, I could definitely feel it there, but could see nothing.

“What is written on the paper?” Keith queried intently.

“I can’t see the face of the paper,” I replied feeling quite silly, “all I can do is to intuitively feel the presence of its edge.”

“Climb up on top of the paper. Do whatever you have to do to see the top.” Keith kept coaching me.

With all of my mental focus, I imagined myself rising above the basket looking down inside. Seconds later, I could actually partially see the top part of the paper where words should be – but in their place were just squiggly lines – little up and down zigzagging lines running between the sides of the paper – looking nothing like words.

“That is great,” Keith continued coaching, “you probably wouldn’t be able to read the words anyway. Now what else do you see?”

As I again focused in my meditation, I finally caught a glimpse – a faint visual image accompanied by confirming feelings, of what definitely felt like my signature – only the handwriting and name were not my name in this lifetime.

“Perfect,” Keith congratulated me. “Now, what color are the words? What are the words written with?”

I struggled to find the answer. I sensed that the words were written in something black – perhaps they had been a different color, but age had turned them black. I simply could not tell and nothing intuitive was coming to me. I continued to focus and focus, still not finding the answer. Finally I answered Keith with a sense of confusion, telling him what I was presently feeling.

“I cannot see any more detail,” I began, “but I am getting the sensation that this agreement was some type of blood oath.”

“Wonderful,” Keith responded. “That is exactly what I was looking for.” He proceeded to tell me that the agreement was indeed a magical blood oath, written in my own blood at some ancient time when I was a member of this secret magical group.

The thought that the agreement might be written in blood had not even crossed my mind. I have no idea where the term “blood oath” came from, other than the recognition that the phrase popped into my intuition and I hesitantly said it out loud.

Keith explained that the magical order I belonged to in some distant past life was a group of devoted people who performed some type of binding magical ceremony where each participant made similar agreements regarding their future lives. I felt deeply that my agreement was that I would continue work-work-working and do-do-doing the spiritual work through every lifetime until I finally achieved enlightenment. He explained that this is where I get my powerful determination and force, accompanied by the self-judgment and guilt that comes with it – guilt that seems to surface whenever I am not “achieving” and surfing on top of the highest waves.

“Now we just have to figure out how to help you break the chains of this binding agreement.” Keith again spoke, explaining that somehow, the magical power put into the agreement in that past life had literally chained me to that agreement throughout every subsequent lifetime – and he indicated that now I had reached a point in my evolution where it is time for me to be free of that commitment and to learn more fully how to simply experience “being” without the pressure of “doing”.

As he said these words, as much as my logical brain wanted to exclaim “No! That is so stupid and silly,” my heart confirmed that he was exactly right. I have never known from where my intense drive for perfection comes. This drive is deeply engrained in my soul – and is part of the main reason why I am still frequently so hard on myself – and why I continue to get so many forgiveness lessons relating to other people not being on time, not following through on time-related commitments (my lessons from earlier this week with Irma).

After going silent and inward for a while, Keith again spoke, announcing that he was being prompted to help me destroy the contract in a very interesting and funny way – a way he had resisted his guides in coaching me to do – but he finally decided to flow with his intuition.

What he subsequently told me did not seem the least bit funny or unusual. He told me that I needed to return to my protective wall and open up the window once again. At that point I would then ask the highest part of my higher self to assist me.

Keith then instructed me to acknowledge to my higher self that I built this wall up to protect myself from being burned by the light – but that now I want the light’s assistance in burning up and destroying the magical spiritual contract that is no longer serving me.

“Hold the contract up to the window.” Keith continued. “Place it into the light so that the brilliance on the other side can burn it up, releasing the chains that bind you.”

For what must have been at least 20 or 30 minutes, Keith and I remained totally silent while I engaged in an inner skirmish that gradually grew in intensity. I did what Keith instructed and put my intentions out to my higher self, asking that the agreement be consumed by the light. As I did so, I imagined my “A Course In Miracles” beliefs that emphasize so strongly that “we don’t heal the darkness by bringing the light to it … we heal the darkness by bringing it into the light” – a very subtle difference, but it made so much sense to me now.

As I continued visualizing myself holding the piece of parchment up to the window, I felt as if the paper would not burn. It was hanging on, physically bound and stuck to me. I sensed its binding energy refusing to let me out of a binding blood-oath agreement. A strong feeling dictated to me, in no uncertain terms, that if I broke that agreement I would be dishonoring my spiritual integrity.

I grappled with the feelings, wrestling with the back and forth emotions of knowing that it was time to be free of that “work, work, work” guilt. Again, my “A Course In Miracles” beliefs surfaced – this time reminding me of the phrase “I need DO nothing” – reminding me that enlightenment is not about accomplishments, it is about waking up from the dream of life, simply being my true divine self (as we all are).

By now, I knew deeply in my heart that today is the time to be free of the chains that I could literally feel wrapped around me in a powerful energetic way. Finally, with continued meditation, I felt as if the chains were stretching and expanding, loosening their grip – but they still hung on like super glue. I tried to imagine myself cutting the cord with this agreement, but it was sticking to me, refusing to fall away and burn.

Finally, a powerful insight filtered into my awareness – an insight filled with the upmost peace and integrity. The insight was this:

“In order to keep this agreement with myself, I need to destroy this agreement with myself. By destroying this agreement in this lifetime, I am actually honoring my former commitment to myself in doing whatever it takes to reach enlightenment. The time is now to learn how to simply BE.”

As these insights flashed through my awareness, I experienced a powerful peace flood my soul – yet the contract would still not burn up or let go of me. With every ounce of energy that I could muster, I silently focused, silently repeating the words over and over with intense internal emotion. “I need to break this agreement in order to fulfill this agreement … I need to break this agreement in order to fulfill this agreement.”

I must have repeated these words in my mind for at least five minutes, embracing them with loving and powerful emotion. All the while, I realized that by breaking this agreement, I was showing incredible integrity to myself. In many ways, the experience reminded me of what I went through just last month as I grappled with ending support payments related to my former marriage.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, right in the middle of my near breakthrough – Keith jumped in with a comment. I cannot remember exactly what he said; perhaps it was something like “Yes, now you’re getting it.” But what I do powerfully remember is the tone of voice with which he said it. Keith’s voice was breaking up with deep emotion – almost in tears – as he said those unremembered words.

As I heard his voice, and then responded with increased internal intensity, I too was overcome with the emotion as tears began to stream down my cheeks.  I felt an incredible and powerful clarity of energy forming inside of me. There was no doubt in my mind that this agreement was indeed real, and that I was finally breaking through the final stages of freeing myself from its clutches.

Finally, my intense emotion ended and a sense of calm accomplishment settled into my soul. A slight headache persisted in my forehead – a headache that had been following me all day as a result of very little sleep last night (I had spent many hours in an unsuccessful attempt at astral travel). But, ignoring the headache, I felt as if my soul were hundreds of pounds lighter. The feeling of chains around me was gone. I knew that I was free of the agreement.

Seeking for confirmation, I opened my eyes, tears still dripping down my cheeks, and looked over at Keith, who was just now recovering from his own emotions.

“Am I done?” I asked, hoping to hear a positive answer.

He replied that I would still be dealing with temptations to judge myself, but that yes, indeed, the agreement was gone. I had been successful in an amazing inner journey that he felt privileged to have been a part of.

Later, as Keith, Barbara, and I discussed what had taken place, he explained that at the moment his voice broke with emotion, he was sensing the incredible presence of countless beings from many other dimensions, all being simultaneously healed by my internal actions. Keith added that he sensed an incredible spiritual support system surrounding me throughout the process.

Now, just over five hours after this experience ended, I am still literally blown away by the powerful events. I have asked myself several times if these events were real, or if they were all silly imagination in my right brain. The realization I have come to is that the answer does not matter. I genuinely believe that it was real – but even if it was simply my imagination, I could not have orchestrated a more powerful healing experience.

I feel so much lighter – so much freer – so much closer to my soul. I feel as if the waves in my ocean will now begin to calm, bringing me ever nearer to that blissful state of peaceful waters with continuous gentle energy ripples.

*  *  *  *  *

I have to laugh at myself as I reminisce about last night’s “ant-bite synchronicities” that joined me up with Katie for dinner.

Tonight, as I returned to my room after my mind-boggling session with Keith, I thought to myself that I would love to simply spend my evening writing. I really wanted to meditate on this powerful experience during our group meditation in the temple – but I desired even more so to write about the amazing events while the memories are still so strong and vivid.

But then another part of me – the genuine, but perfectionist and rule-following part – said “But I don’t want to miss meditation tonight.”

Immediately slipping into compliance mode, I prepared to change into my comfortable meditation clothes, giving in to that “I’m supposed to be in meditation” voice.

Then, as fate would have it, I suddenly realized that all my clothes – except the ones I am presently wearing – were still in the laundry, and they would not be ready till after 5:00 p.m.. I had already told the woman doing my laundry that I would just pick them up at 6:30 after my evening meditation was over.

I simply giggled as I realized that all of my comfortable loose-fitting meditation clothing is about a quarter mile away, still spinning around inside of a hot clothes dryer. It became obvious that I would not be meditating tonight unless I wanted to do so in tight, uncomfortable, restricting jeans.

I love it when the little synchronous events of the Universe set me up for success … a success that tonight involves NOT going to meditation group, and instead writing about the incredible experiences of the past two days. I cannot imagine a more powerful way to have spent the last five hours.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

 
(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Saturday, July 31 – 7:00 p.m.

Yesterday (Friday) was one of those beautiful days in which I felt loving peaceful energy radiating from within my soul throughout the entire day.

I began the day with an incredible experience. I awoke at 4:15 a.m. from what was a very vivid and LUCID dream. My memories from the dream begin in Panajachel – the main town on the other side of the lake where most visitors first approach Lake Atitlan. To my surprise, I was walking around the streets with my daughter-in-law, my oldest son’s wife. We were happy and having a fun time together. At one point she asked me if I would spend the day with her, helping her to distribute her merchandise to various locations around the lake. Apparently she was some type of wholesaler with goods to deliver to various people in various villages such as San Marcos and San Pedro.

After telling her “Yes, I would love to help you,” I followed her down a path toward the lake. As we approached the wooden docks, I recognized them as being the private docks on the south side of Panajachel.

“These are not the public boat docks.” I told her. “The boats here are more expensive, and do not run as often. We should go over to the public docks.”

She just smiled slyly and indicated that we were not going to be taking a boat. She was going to use a sling shot to send the merchandise across the lake. Reaching into her pocket, she removed an average-looking sling shot, along with two small square cubes. She placed them both into the leather pocket of the slingshot and pulled it back, preparing to launch the cubes out into the sky above the water, aiming toward the far side of the lake.

Intuitively, I strongly recognized that “this is not normal,” and I very calmly became fully conscious that I was inside of a dream – recognizing that the unfolding events would not be possible in waking physical life.

Even though I was fully conscious, the dream did not end – I was still 100 percent in the dream – just fully aware that it was a dream.

As my daughter-in-law launched the two cubes out over the water, they began to fly across the lake, and magically expanded into what looked like two huge shipping containers – the kind that are used on cargo ships and on railroad cars.

I felt mischievous and decided to have some fun. Focusing on the two shipping containers with my mind, I caused them to explode over the middle of the lake. I felt my daughter-in-law’s shock as large chunks of metal plummeted toward the lake waters below.

Before she became too distraught over her losses, I again pulled out my magical powers and mimicked Yoda from Return of the Jedi. With the power of my mind, I focused all of my efforts with my hand outstretched. After intense concentration, I watched as the broken pieces of metal emerged from the depths of the lake, flew back up into the air, resumed their former shape of shipping containers, and began again their journey across the lake.

Immediately, I lost interest in the game playing as I remembered that Chaty had instructed us that when we wake up in a dream, we should try to go somewhere such as the pyramid temple. Almost immediately upon remembering Chaty’s instructions, I focused intently on the thought “Take me to the (pyramid) temple.”

As I did so, I felt a surge of energy build up in my body. I immediately realized that I was about to astral travel from my dream to another place. My friend Sandra has done this many times now, and she coached me to be sure to concentrate my vision on a single spot so as not to lose consciousness and fall back into the dream state. I glued my eyes on a distant cloud and focused with all of my might. For what felt like ten or twenty seconds I felt the energy building and focused my entire attention to the task of staying awake.

I felt myself freeze up slightly as I mistakenly speculated that I was sitting up in bed while meditating, and that if I were to astral travel then my body would fall over and might hurt itself. Seconds later the energy buildup fizzled, my dream went dark, and I realized that my attempt had failed. To my surprise, I realized immediately that I was not sitting up in meditation – I was instead safely lying on my back, still in my bed.

There is no doubt in my mind that I was already awake long before my dream ended. I was fully conscious from the moment that my daughter-in-law loaded the two cubes into her slingshot. When my dream ended and I opened my eyes, the only thing that happened was that my visualizations ended. There was no transition of consciousness – I was already fully conscious – I simply had a slight awareness issue regarding my starting position in bed.

As I sat up and wrote down the amazing dream experience, I was ecstatic with joy. This is the first Lucid dream I have had since the silly one I had during my moon course on the very first night that I tried to practice Lucid dreaming in early May.

*  *  *  *  *

It was not until today (Saturday) that I realized another interesting “synchronicity” regarding yesterday’s dream. But to explain, I need to first establish a few background facts.

In August of 2008, my channeling friend, Trish, first told me about my three spiritual guides. It was during that amazing channeling session that she gave me a necklace that she had purchased in Park City many years prior – a necklace to which she had never really connected – a necklace that my guides told her during the session that she had actually purchased so that she could eventually give it to me.

For the majority of the past two years, I have worn that necklace 24 hours a day, seven days a week. But during my first few days of the Moon Course, Chaty had instructed us to not bring any metal into the pyramid temple (unless it was something that we always wear).

Even though I always wore my necklace – and it had a deep spiritual significance to me – I decided to stop wearing it so as to not have the appearance of breaking any rules.

I again wore the necklace during the few weeks between the Moon Course and the Sun Course – but again I took it off on June 21. A few days later I decided that I wanted to start wearing it again, but in a freak accident while moving about my room, I caught the thin silver chain on the corner of a piece of furniture and it broke. I no longer had a chain on which to wear the circular pendant, and I simply set it aside, telling myself that one of these days I would figure out how and/or where to get the chain repaired.

Wednesday (three days ago), as I was talking to Michelle in that amazing two-and-a-half hour energizing conversation, she out-of-the-blue asked me about my necklace, telling me that she was deeply prompted to tell me that I must wear it all of the time. At her insistence, I placed the circular pendant in my left hand. As I did so, Michelle began to deeply connect with the energy of my necklace (remotely), telling me that she was feeling electricity run through her body as she was being guided to tell me how important it was for me to wear it. She told me that the pendant was made specifically for me, that Trish had spiritually charged and guarded it for me, and that it was now my companion, my partner, my equal, in my spiritual journey.

After that amazing experience with Michelle, I wandered out into San Marcos and found a local French-speaking artisan who sells jewelry on the main sidewalk thoroughfare. I asked her to make a braided cord for me out of reddish, greenish, and tan macramé threads. The colors would match the center emerald and the six surrounding rubies at the end of each of the six silver spokes.

Thursday morning, I eagerly sought out the same artisan to pick up my new necklace. From that moment on, my precious necklace has not left my neck for more than a minute or two. Thursday evening was the first night in which I have slept with my pendant around my neck in quite some time – and it was that same night (early Friday morning) in which I had my Lucid dream.

Coincidence? I believe not.

*  *  *  *  *

The second highlight of my day was two deeply spiritual conversations on Skype, one with my friend Rose in Utah, and the other with my friend Pyper in Washington State. Both conversations were overflowing with incredible two-way inspiration. Spirit was truly a guiding force through both discussions.

In my conversation with Rose, we spent more than half of our time discussing my recent internal growth journey in lovingly dealing with my promptings regarding support payments. Her inspired feedback helped me reach a deep state of clarity and peace regarding that difficult emotional trek. It was immediately after that beautiful chat with Rose that Pyper called me back. Amazingly, my usually-flaky internet connection again remained strong and true.

Pyper – a dear friend from my Master’s degree internship – contains an internal wealth of knowledge about topics related to Incan Shamanism. She is a deeply spiritual woman who has studied the spiritual traditions of the ancient Incan’s for many years. Pyper and I usually only talk once every few months, and I wasn’t going to try to contact her again until after my Sun Course in late September, but for some reason she left me a voicemail earlier this week, indicating that she really wanted to talk to me before I go into my upcoming 40-days of silence.

I just smiled inside, because I realized that the primary reason for our call would be for her to help me to interpret my Jaguar dream from July 23^rd. In April, Pyper had been a great help to me in interpreting my Snake dream – the dream that I had in Flores, Guatemala just after my weird experiences with the Mayan man in Tikal who called himself a Shaman. At that time, Pyper had given me incredible insights into the sacred Shamanistic symbolism of Snakes, and she had also helped me to add great spiritual perspective regarding my experiences in Tikal. As that April conversation had neared conclusion, Pyper had told me that she was anxious to hear about any future dreams I might have related to Jaguars – another very sacred animal in Incan Shamanism.

In my recent (first and only) Jaguar dream, the beautiful spotted creature was walking around suburbia on a green well-groomed lawn, drinking water from sprinkler heads. I was hiding under an invisibility cloak, listening to a male voice narrate what sounded like a documentary about why one should not let Jaguar’s drink from their lawn sprinklers. One by one, I magically reached out with some type of wand or stick and shut down each sprinkler head from which the Jaguar attempted to drink. Finally, I playfully reached out (still under my invisibility cloak) and began to wrestle with the Jaguar right before waking up.

After sharing my dream with Pyper, she explained to me that Jaguars represent grace and impeccability. They are a very sacred animal in Incan Shamanism, being the Queen of the jungle. They go up high, and sit in the tops of the trees, rising above what does not work for them, observing the activities that go on below, gathering information, being fully aware of everything going on around them – but for the most part simply observing without being “part of” those ongoing events. Jaguars always have what they need, having the internal skills and strength, and the support of their environment. While the Jaguar’s strength frightens other animals, the Jaguar only uses that strength when necessary, using it with its characteristic grace and impeccability.

After giving me background on Jaguars in general, Pyper began to interpret my dream. I literally loved her insights. Everything she said felt deeply inspired and rang true in my heart. She suggested that the Jaguar represented me in “God form”, walking through suburbia – my old stomping grounds – symbolizing my existence in two worlds. Pyper also suggested that the suburbs themselves, and the “me-that-was-hiding-under-the-cloak” were also representing different aspects of my self. She speculated that the strong male voice running through my ears in the form of a documentary about Jaguars and sprinklers was my former intellectual male voice and that the water coming from the sprinkler heads represented femininity and emotion. Then Pyper added that when I lunged out and began to playfully wrestle with the Jaguar, this represented the fact that I now feel safe playfully engaging with this more divine part of myself, knowing there is nothing to be afraid of – that nothing can hurt my true self.

Then the real insight flooded through my soul as Pyper intuitively suggested that this dream was representative of the way in which I handled the recent support-payment situation with my former wife. Suddenly everything made sense. The surroundings of the dream were quite similar to the environment where my former wife still lives. In dealing with the incredibly difficult emotions (water), I acted with powerful grace, impeccability and loving emotional strength. My old logical voices were playing like a recording in the back of my head, but I used my loving spiritual strength to playfully engage with my higher self.

What makes the whole dream seem like magic is the fact that the short beautiful email that I received from my former spouse – the one that literally blew me away with gratitude as she thanked me for my financial support over the years, wishing me the best in my future journey – was sent the very next day after this dream (exactly two weeks after I sent my inspired and love-based response to her).

*  *  *  *  *

As I talked more in my Skype call with Pyper, after we finished discussing my Jaguar dream, she felt deeply prompted to read to me about the spiritual significance of emeralds and rubies – the two types of jewels on my pendant.

I was scribbling furiously to take a few sketchy notes as she read the descriptions to me. This is more or less the highlights of what she told me – at least the parts that jumped out at me – but my notes were incomplete at best.

The emerald is a stone of successful love, sensitivity, and loyalty to self. It helps to enhance memory, and to stimulate mental capacity. The emerald encourages integrity, making a right choice to be the only choice possible. Emeralds open and activate the heart chakra, quiet the emotions, create harmony, stimulate subconscious, and help to access the laws of the universe.

The ruby also stimulates the heart chakra, helping to create a loving emotional side, spiritual wisdom, nobility, mental concentration, and gentleness. The ruby is a shielding stone, and is said to represent a rise from martyrdom, anguish, distress, and suffering. It has been used in the “casting of lots” to help in resolving questions. It protects against unhappiness, lights the darkness, brings birth to the spark of life, creativity, expansiveness, refinement of will as a love based force, and is used in rebirthing and releasing blockages.

As I listened to these amazing descriptions of the beautiful jewels that adorn my precious spiritual pendant, I made a commitment to myself to wear my necklace everywhere – with the pendant right over my heart – only removing it for bathing or swimming, or if otherwise prompted.

*  *  *  *  *

Friday evening I was faced with another task – a visit to the home of the only doctor in town – a visit to inquire about the results of my parasite test. At around 7:30 p.m. on Friday night, I learned the exciting news.

I am the proud host to every type of Uninvited Intestinal Creatures (UICs) for which I was tested – these being a healthy and thriving mixture of Giardia, Amoeba, Roundworm, and miscellaneous bacteria.

The Giardia greatly reduce my ability to digest and absorb food. The Amoeba have a fun tendency to spread throughout the intestines and the rest of the body, causing all types of fun symptoms, and the roundworms love to eat away my nutrition while laying thousands (up to 200,000 per day) of eggs in my intestines. These little worms, if not treated, can also escape to other parts of the body and wreak havoc.

Amazingly, my symptoms were not all that noticeable – other than the loose stools and extremely unpleasant intestinal gas. I suspect that I have been carrying these little nutrition vampires for quite some time – and I highly suspect that I was already playing host to them in late May, even when my parasite test at that time came up negative.

Regardless, I am happy and content. I am not really sick, and am eager to complete my medical treatment to rid these little UICs from my body. Even with my poor digestion, I have great energy. I can only imagine how much additional energy I might have when I no longer have thousands of little protozoa and worms competing for my precious nutrition.

I love the local doctor here (Dr. Alfredo). His office is actually in San Pedro, but he lives here in San Marcos, and sees local patients during the evening hours. When he discovered that he did not have enough of the two medications that I need in stock at his home, he walked with me over to the only pharmacy in town (at 8:30 p.m.). This pharmacy is a family business, run by his wife – but is closed most of the time when I walk by it.

As Dr. Alfredo unlocked the pharmacy’s exterior door and fiddled with the light switches, he discovered that the electricity was off. He jokingly commented that there is a switch over in the park that children sometimes play with. When that switch is flipped in the wrong position, the pharmacy does not get power. Holding my flashlight for him, I illuminated the shelves until he located the meds that I needed. After paying him my 75 Quetzales (less than $10 for the meds), I thanked him for his help, and was on my way. I will be taking one of the meds for three days, and the other for seven days. In ten days I will have another parasite test to see how/if the treatments worked.

The parasite test itself was 20 Quetzales ($2.50 US). It was not until I was almost safely back to my pyramid that I realized that Dr. Alfredo had never asked me for a dime for his own time. He had simply charged me for the test and the medicines. What an amazing man. 

.

*  *  *  *  *

Today (Saturday) has been a very weird off-feeling day. After Yoga and class time, I was intending to spend my day studying. But after breakfast, I first tried to make a couple more Skype calls to other dear friends. My attempts at conversation were unsuccessful, and an internal feeling was saying that today was not a day to make any additional attempts.

While I did get some studying done, and I also made some preliminary preparations for some artistic charts that I plan to make of the Tree of Life (during my silence), I continued to feel quite spiritually detached into the early afternoon.

At 2:00 p.m. I participated in a group Acupuncture experience that lasted till after 3:30 p.m. – but again I continued to feel separate and spiritually disconnected.

It was not until meditation tonight that I finally turned my spiritual connection back toward the light. The final half of this meditation involved oracle cards – cards that were based on the Hindu Bhagavad Gita. The one which I intuitively chose was called “Pure Devotee.”

As I meditated on the card, I memorized the short text of the sacred verse that was being quoted:

“The thoughts of my Pure Devotees dwell in me, their lives are surrendered to me, and they derive great satisfaction and joy, enlightening one another and speaking about me.”

As I internalized these words – words that were at first quite confusing – they soon began to sing to my heart and soul. These words so beautifully describe the journey on which I find myself. My entire goal is to be a “Pure Devotee” – to devote myself to my higher power, to my journey of self discovery and divine connection. With all of my heart, I try to focus my mind and thoughts onto my divine source. Yes, I have many times liker earlier today where I struggle to feel connected. But for all practical purposes, during the past couple of years, I have literally surrendered my life to my inner guidance – and there is no doubt that I thoroughly love to engage in spiritual interactions with others – interactions in which we speak about our divine paths and strive to inspire those around us with the light that we continue to discover inside.

Yes, as I left meditation this evening, I was back in the spiritual groove. I once again felt a peaceful familiar energy running though my soul as I walked through the medicinal garden and placed my hands on the bark of my favorite tree. As I sat down at my computer to write about these past two days, the writing (which has taken three hours) has literally energized my very being.

I love how the Universe works.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Sun Spots: Episode 7

(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Friday, July 23 – 3:30 p.m.

This five day silence is turning out to be an experience where I take advantage of my permission to do the “Sun Course with an Attitude” – spiritual permission that was given to me by inspiration during the last day of my Moon Course as I struggled with not really wanting to participate in this three month retreat.

The meditation assignments for our five days of silence and fasting do not seem to connect deeply with my heart. I have tried to focus on my assigned meditations, but my heart wants to go deeper in other areas – deeper into exploring my energy, increasing my sensitivity to the energy that flows within me.

*  *  *  *  *

Yesterday (Thursday) morning I spent several hours perched on a straw mat atop a rock at the top of the hill just west of San Marcos. I began by immersing myself in our assigned meditations regarding one particular sphere of the tree of life, but found myself instead connecting with nature throughout much of the day.

A beautiful tiny five-petal violet flower with a drop of dew glistening in the center captured my fancy. Then there was the small cluster of seed pods arranged in incredible geometric shapes. Why do some of them only have four perfectly arranged slits while others have five, appearing like a perfect five-pointed star? Then there were the bees and the moths that were working busily around the flowers. One particular moth fascinated me with the way he instinctively danced from flower to flower while gracefully inserting a three-quarter inch tube running from his mouth down the center of the flower’s heart.

But I also had a few problems yesterday. While I was being silent around others, I was talking to myself quite frequently. I like to sing to myself and I often talk to spirit with an out loud voice, I like to do this when I am meditating in nature. For some reason, verbally speaking to Spirit helps me to focus. Several times later in the day, as I was around people, I accidentally spoke a word or two out loud. I was so accustomed to speaking to myself that my consciousness was not fully focused on the silence.

I also fudged a little on my diet. I loved the nourishment of my two juices and my one bland soup – but as evening rolled around I found myself cheating with a banana and a couple of spoonfuls of peanut butter. I may or may not do the same this evening – but I will probably take my fast much more seriously beginning tomorrow.

Last night during meditation, and then later as I contemplated writing in my journal, I was a little bit off. I was disconnected and lacking spiritual focus. As I stared at my laptop with intentions to write, I first delayed by playing one game of Spider Solitaire. That one game turned into two, then four … and well, you might know how it goes. I finally turned off my computer at 10:00 p.m. having written absolutely nothing at all.

*  *  *  *  *

This morning, I awoke around 5:00 a.m. from a very interesting dream – a dream involving sprinklers watering a beautiful green lawn and a beautiful spotted jaguar (or possibly leopard) that was walking around drinking water from the sprinkler heads. In some strange way, I was watching the large beautiful cat from what felt like a space of protection – sort of like hiding under Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak. While I watched, I was listening to an out-loud documentary flowing into my head telling me why it was not a good idea to allow jaguars to drink from your sprinkler heads in your yard.

Instinctively, I reached out and disabled each sprinkler head as the beautiful cat began drinking. Each time the large cat moved on to another water sprinkler, I again magically shut it off. Soon the jaguar was right next to me. With my invisibility blanket still around me I reached out and began to playfully wrestle with the cat – at which point I woke up.

I have not yet made any attempts to interpret this interesting dream – but nevertheless, the dream fascinated me. I made a valiant attempt to re-immerse myself back into the dream, wondering if it might be possible to re-enter it with a state of lucidity that I have still been unsuccessful in achieving. By 6:30 a.m., after my unsuccessful attempt in re-entering the dream, I was in a deeply meditative state – a state in which I committed to myself that I would remain all through the day.

I realized that yesterday’s problem was that I was not fully focusing on what my heart wanted to do – I felt distracted by my assigned tasks. I made a deep personal commitment that today would be a day of living in the presence – doing what my heart wanted me to do rather than doing what someone else told me that I was “supposed” to do. I also committed that I would not speak out loud, even if just to myself or to Spirit.

After yoga and then my 9:00 a.m. juice, I isolated myself in my room with intentions to remain here for the remainder of the day – except of course for my remaining soup/juice and pyramid temple meditation schedules.

As I lay back on my bed with my obsidian sphere and a few other crystals, I focused on remembering my second experience with the Chocolate Shaman. I began to finely tune my sensitivity to the energies that I felt flowing through me. First recognizing them, then concentrating on them, and eventually relaxing into them. In an experience that amazed me, I began to feel intensely pleasurable energy that seemed to be gently exploring and opening my lower chakras. I’m sort of embarrassed to say this here, but the energy sensation was nearly orgasmic, much better than sex. I would highly recommend it.

During the second half of the morning, I found myself meditatively napping half way between two worlds – only stirring briefly for a couple of restroom breaks. I continued to feel the energy, but in a much milder way, and I felt as if I wanted to make an attempt at further dreaming – hopefully lucid.

I could go on, but there is not much more to say other than that my day has been incredibly relaxed and energizing, filled with presence and peace. Starting in about twenty minutes I head out for evening meditation, after which I plan to once again simply enjoy my spiritually intimate exploration of the energies within. I have no attachments to outcomes; I simply love the experience of seeing what energizing gifts come my way as I make myself open and available.

Saturday, July 24 – 6:45 p.m.

It has been a great day … yet I feel a little off … a little disconnected. This morning after yoga and juice I spent two hours in my favorite spot up on the hill to the west. I felt some great energy up there, but the energy slightly dissipated as I followed a prompting to study for the last hour. Perhaps I need to learn how to study without losing the energy.

I began studying the signs of the zodiac (astrology) and the planets as they all fit into the Tree of Life (Kabala). This afternoon, after soup, I did more studying, but this time I was out on the lawn near my private pyramid.

Our weather has been beautiful for the past couple of days – warm and sunny (or course the mostly rainy days that we have been having are beautiful too). I loved spending time this afternoon in the sun as I continued to study, study, and study.

While the studying is technically a no-no during meditative silence, I followed my promptings and did it anyway. What I learned today actually helped me connect with our meditation oracle cards tonight (after 4:00 p.m. juice). The oracle cards were indirectly related to the zodiac signs, and they tied right in with what I have been pushing into my brain.

Yes, it has been a great day, but today’s studying was not the most energizing of things to do, and it makes me wish I was deeper into energetic meditation. Yet I was following my promptings – promptings which told me to fill my head just a little fuller.

And then there is the mild hunger. In case you can’t tell from my above writing, my mind is subconsciously thinking about food. Two juices and one bland runny blended carrot soup just do not fill the tummy, and I do not want to repeat the sickness/weakness that happened after my Moon Course fasting … so tonight I cheated just a little (just like last night). I gobbled down a delicious (just one) peanut butter and honey sandwich on whole wheat bread – and I don’t feel the least bit guilty (but I do still feel hungry, which is good).

I have been having several weird dreams per night, but still nothing worth mentioning, and still no lucidity in those dreams. I simply trust that I will receive whatever I am ready for, exactly when the time is right.

As soon as I finish this rambling, I plan to spend my evening seeing if I can connect with a little more of that amazing energy … following which I plan to go to bed quite early. I seem to remember my dreams more when I am quite rested by the wee morning hours.

Monday, July 26 – 4:30 p.m.

Sunday was a beautiful meditative day. In the morning I spent three hours high up on the hill to the west of town, meditating on a straw mat with a beautiful view of the lake and distant volcanoes. During this meditation, I felt especially close to spirit – to nature, to the energy around me, to the spirit of the Tree of Life, to virtually everything on which I focused my mind

Also in this meditation, I finally connected to our assigned Tree-of-Life tasks for the retreat. But I did the meditations in my own way, experiencing them in a powerful emotional way without writing a single word in my notebook. I am quite happy with the results.

In the afternoon I returned to my room and meditated for another couple of hours, this time meditating on the microcosm of the Tree of Life – in other words, meditating on how the tree relates to our physical body and our own personal states of consciousness as well as referring to the macrocosm which is the Universe and its creation. For a while I felt a deep internal and electrically energizing connection to my meditations, but after a while I realized that I had done all I could handle in one day.

I am rapidly learning that Spirit likes to play treasure hunt with me. One day I can have a powerful and energizing connection with the divine. On the next day, as I repeat the exact same steps that brought me to spiritual bliss, those steps don’t seem to work at all. Instead, I have to go deep within and listen to new promptings, doing new things, in different ways. The process is quite challenging, yet quite fun.

Later in the afternoon, after reaching a point of meditation burnout, I again hit the studies quite hard, doing a lot of memorization around the twelve signs of the zodiac and the planets and how they relate symbolically and energetically into the Tree of Life. It sounds quite boring as I write about it, but yesterday as I read and studied I felt as if the whole set of associated symbols was beginning to come alive in amazing ways. I had no idea how the symbolic energy of the planets ties in so harmoniously to the symbolisms of the Kabala.

*  *  *  *  *

Last night (Sunday) at 6:00 p.m., I participated in another beautiful ceremony in the large pyramid temple. This ceremony was for the Full Moon – as well as being the graduation of the current Moon Course group. I am sad to see this Moon Course group move on, as I have grown quite attached to many of them.

At around 8:00 p.m., I joined a large group of friends in a celebratory break-the-fast dinner, ending my minimal-diet fast in style. But I did not make the same mistake that I made after my own Moon Course two months ago. At that time I had pigged out on pork ribs and ended up getting quite sick for about ten days. Sunday night I ate a very bland plate of rice with some steamed vegetables along with a delicious fruit smoothie.

*  *  *  *  *

It seemed quite strange this morning (Monday) as I intentionally skipped Yoga for the first time since beginning this retreat.

As you might recall, I had a severe bout with what I believe to be bed bugs during my first week of the Sun Course – a week in which we were in silence. At that time I had lovingly begged Irma in the front office to swap mattresses with one from a different empty room – which she reluctantly allowed me to do. I later figured out that the blood-thirsty bugs were in the old quilted blanket that I had been using at the time – not in the mattress itself.

But this discovery was too late. My original mattress itself had been a very comfortable one. The replacement mattress that I had received in the swap turned out to be extremely uncomfortable for sleeping. By the time I figured this out, someone else was already sleeping on my old comfortable mattress.

Over half of my new replacement mattress was very hard with firm ridges that pushed into my body at all the wrong places. The remainder was caved in and sagged excessively, providing very little support while slanting at a steep angle toward the edge of the bed.

I believe that much of the back pain that I have experienced – back pain regarding which I have continued to keep a positive attitude – was related to this mattress. Several times, I tried turning the mattress over, swapping ends, sleeping on this half or that half, sleeping at an angle, etc. Finally, I had found a position with a slight twist where my body did not totally ache – but my sleeping space was very restricted and still involved a steep slope, making comfortable sleeping quite challenging.

Anyway, this morning I had made private arrangements with a woman who was sleeping in the room with my original mattress. She and her roommate had finished the Moon Course and were moving out. During normal morning Yoga time, I made a quick swap (with my friend’s help) back to my original mattress. In doing so, I didn’t bother to get permission from the front office. I didn’t want to give them a chance to say no.

At 10:00 a.m. after finishing my first post-silence class, I came back to my room and fell in love with my former mattress. My new bed feels like heaven after what I have been sleeping on. I know that I could have survived on the other uncomfortable mattress – but I decided that since I will be here for two more months that it would be wonderful to have a comfortable, soft, and level place to lay my head (and my achy back).

Today felt quite strange as we resumed a normal schedule of eating and participating in classes. I tried to study for most of the day, but repeatedly found myself visiting with others – both with outgoing Moon Course graduates and with fellow Sun Course friends. Nevertheless, I did manage to squeeze in considerable study time as well.

Tonight is a free night – no meditation for the Sun Course, because the new Moon Course group is having their first introductory session with Chaty. It looks as if this new Moon Course is going to be a huge group. I have heard rumors that as many as 20 people will be here to participate. All I know for sure is that I have seen a great number of new faces walking around the grounds all throughout the afternoon.

I look forward to getting to know many of this new group, but will only have two and a half weeks to do so. It is hard to believe that my Sun Course will go into our final 40 days of silence starting around August 12 – a date that is rapidly approaching – a date that I eagerly anticipate.

But that is all in the future, and I am trying to live in the present – and I am hungry. It is time for my evening tradition: two peanut butter and honey sandwiches and a banana. Yum yum.

Wednesday, July 28 – 1:00 p.m.

Monday evening, as I went to bed, I was overcome with frustration regarding a recent return of Unidentified Biting Objects (UBOs). During the previous several nights I had been visited with numerous of these UBOs who had left a wide variety of rose-colored crop circles on my chest, back, and arms. I had just crawled under the covers on my new heavenly mattress replacement when I succumbed to the itching madness.

Don’t ask me why, but normally, I like to heat up my itchy bug bites either in a hot shower or using a hair dryer. For some reason, when I apply heat to an itch, I feel a pleasurable sensation as the itch momentarily intensifies and then seems to relax and calm. But Monday night I could not use my hair dryer. I had burned it out early in the day when I was using it to overheat the seams of my replacement mattress – just in case there might be any bed bugs or eggs hiding out in my incoming mattress. My hair dryer is now ready for the recycling bin, and I was too lazy to go for a hot (sometimes) shower.

As I lay in my bed, repeatedly trying to relax and breathe calmly, I invariably returned to itch-and-rub mode, furiously agitating the itching bites. I probably only had ten or fifteen of the little red bumps, but they itched more profoundly than most other bites I have previously encountered.

As I popped an antihistamine into my mouth (my first in a quite some time), I decided it was time to quit fighting this battle on the physical plane and to instead look for a spiritual answer. Since I have been having so much fun lately as I learn to use Tarot to gain insight, I opened up my little deck of cards to see what insights I might be able to gain into my ongoing bug-bite battles.

Rather than using a full spread of cards, I simply used my intuition to select three cards. The first card indicated a mental battle was coming to completion. The second and third cards were major arcana cards – the Justice card (signifying non-judgment) and the Temperance card (signifying learning to be in a state of complete inner peace no matter what is going on around me).

I smiled with peaceful amazement as I realized intuitively that the message for me was that in order to end my mental conflict with the bug bites I had to give up all sense of judgment regarding them as good or bad, and to instead learn to find absolute emotional peace in the midst of the experience.

In many ways, this message reminded me of the words of my Olmec Shaman friend that helped me last November in the jungles of Ek Balam (north of Valladolid in the Yucatan). He is the one who held me in his arms as I sobbed with fear after receiving a third-degree burn at the hands of another loving Zapotec healer. He is the same beautiful man who spoke those amazing words to me, saying “Brenda, there is a huge difference between pain and suffering.”

Yes, my bug bites were creating great pain (itching), but there was absolutely no reason for me to be suffering about them. Suffering was a choice – a choice which I could now choose to no longer make.

After my Tarot reading, as I went into meditation on the issue, I realized that I have suffered from emotional fears regarding spider bites for most of my life. My first major episode of such bites began when I was a young pre-teen, sleeping in the basement of our old home in Central Washington State. I had been the “victim” of a body covered in itching red mounds, and developed a deep and never-resolved fear of that experience repeating itself. It was also at that same time that I learned that heat applied to my bites helped to sooth my suffering.

My most recent two attacks of the itching red circles had been during my Mayan Village stay in Belize and during the first week of my Sun Course. In both cases I had begun to suffer extensively before centering myself in a temporary mental/spiritual solution. The thought of going through the experience for a third time in four months was unnerving.

As I meditatively pondered about these recurring past fears, and the idea of no longer “choosing” to suffer, I found a magical space inside of me – a space that seemed quite familiar once I finally opened the door and immersed myself into the soothing comfort to be found inside.

The space was one of deep peace and bliss. I laughed at myself as I once again returned to the idea that every one of my bites is a blessing – the gift of a free allergy shot so to say. With each little bite I was receiving a dose of allergic toxins which would help my body to build up immunity and/or tolerance to such toxins in the future. The concept was so easy for me to relate to, given the fact that only sixteen months ago I went through a three month course of expensive allergy shots (which I prematurely interrupted in order to begin my present travels).

To my utter amazement, I have not received one new bite in the last three nights. Yes, the present bites on my chest and underarms continue to itch quite vigorously – but I no longer give the itching any power over my firmly-rooted peace. At least for now, I have learned another lesson. I no longer judge these bites as bad, and I have developed a great deal of Temperance – giving me peace regardless as to what happens.

*  *  *  *  *

Earlier on Monday, I had engaged in a fascinating discussion with Leif – one of my fellow Sunnies. He is someone with extensive meditation experience in the past, and I am someone who has never, ever meditated in traditional ways (prior to my Moon Course).

I explained to Leif that I still did not feel as if I really knew how to meditate, and asked him if he could give me a few pointers of what to do and/or how to do it. During that conversation he greatly inspired me in several areas. One of those areas was to actually focus more heavily on simply watching my breath with absolutely no other motive. Whenever I have tried this in the past, it has seemed to be such an utter waste of time – time that I could be using to focus on spiritual issues and questions. The idea of simply sitting while attempting to have an empty mind just did not connect fully with me. Invariably, whenever I have tried this in the past, I have struggled.

After talking to Leif, I have begun to do a waking meditation wherever I go. For two days now, whenever I am not actively engaged in eating, studying, conversing, writing etc…, I am focusing on my breathing. I am still in my infancy with this, and have already noticed a great increase in my state of peace. I feel as if my energy vibrations are much more elevated and spiritually inclined than ever before.

Leif inspired me to try something which seems extremely daunting to me. As soon as we begin our 40 days of silence and meditation (in a little over two weeks), I am going to see if I can go for three days while simply focusing on my breath – with no active thought processes. I know this will be a journey of attempts and course corrections rather than a destination to achieve, but I am actually quite excited to try it – to see what might actually happen. In the meantime, I continue to focus on little steps that will prepare me for the bigger journey.

Leif also greatly inspired me in the area of overcoming my physical pain during cross-legged meditations. After about twenty minutes, my hips begin to ache and one foot begins to go to sleep. By around twenty five minutes the pain becomes so intense that I would break my position in an attempt to find physical peace. Now, I have found the determination to push through that pain from a state of Temperance and detachment, observing the physical sensations without allowing myself to suffer as a result of them. Several times in the past two days, I have managed to make it for the entire 30 minutes without flinching or moving. I know that the more I develop this mind-over-physical skill, the more my peace will continue to grow.

*  *  *  *  *

Yesterday (Tuesday) morning, in our 8:30 a.m. class, I participated in another practice Tarot reading with Sandra. This time it was her turn to do a reading on me, and our assigned practice spread (layout) of cards was one based on the Kabalistic Tree of Life.

For the most part, I was amazed and deeply encouraged by the clarity of the reading – a reading which was a general reading about my current progress in my growth process through the Sun Course. But one of the cards was slightly confusing, and I in turn drew three additional cards to seek clarification on the meaning.

Sandra’s interpretation of the cards was not fully resonating with me, but neither was my own … and I needed to dig deep inside to finally figure out what the cards were telling me. One of the cards was implying that I am dealing with deep emotional struggle, yet the other two cards implied successful release of all judgment and great emotional clarity. Finally, through listening to my intuition, the real issue soon came to the surface. The actual interpretation was remarkably similar to what Sandra was originally trying to say.

My relationship with my children is still a great source of guilt and confusion on my part. I continue to be deeply affected by ideas and beliefs that were implanted in my head as a child – ideas that a good parent maintains a close relationship with their children, being there for emotional support, being an integral part of the lives of the grandchildren, maintaining frequent contact, etc … and the list of guilt-based beliefs goes on.

I know with all of my heart that these beliefs – beliefs that are based on traditional societal roles – are still nothing more than beliefs – shoulds and musts that subconsciously spur a great deal of guilt in my internal psyche.

If I look back on my own adult years, I was very independent from my parents, and never felt a need for them to fill such a role for me (in fact I put a wall up preventing them from being able to fill such a role). Yet I apparently still believe on some subconscious level that I should feel guilty for living my own separate life and not fulfilling such a nurturing role for my children – even though all six are grown up and very happily married, leading productive, independent, and exemplary lives.

On the other hand, my internal promptings are extremely clear that I am being guided on a very different path – a path that does not involve the sort of frequent family involvement that my “internal belief systems” tell me I should have. My intuition tells me that my future paths will be very much non-traditional as far as the belief systems of my youth.

One emotional memory that came up in my Tarot reading is the fact that whenever anyone begins to ask me pointed deep questions about my relationship with my children (including such a conversation less than two weeks ago), I tend to sink into a place of sadness and near depression – mainly because I know that my prompted path does not line up with my internal guilt-ridden belief systems.

I feel a profound and beautiful love for my children, and I feel that same love coming back at me from them. There is not doubt in my heart that their love for me is as profound as is mine for them. But at the same time there is deep awkwardness in our communication – given the fact that there is such a gulf in our religious, spiritual, and physical paths.

Just last Saturday I received a short, but beautiful and loving email from my former spouse – a letter actually thanking me for my financial support through all these years, and wishing me success in finding the joy and happiness that I am seeking. I was filled with deep gratitude on reading those words, realizing that the Universe had blessed us both with a loving perspective about what is taking place between us. For the first time in many years, I felt deep peace and closure regarding the paralyzing issues that have haunted me – issues which I faced head on with loving balance just a couple weeks ago.

But as I discussed my feelings with Sandra in my Tarot reading, my intuitions became intensely clear with the fact that the next emotional hurdle through which I need to pass is facing the emotional sadness that I feel regarding my relationship with my children. The clarification cards that I drew clearly implied that I need to stop judging myself regarding my confusing emotions, and that I am on my way toward receiving great emotional clarity and closure in this issue. I am excited to see how I might continue with this emotional processing. I fully intended to begin meditating on it yesterday, but my day was so amazingly full after leaving class that I never had a spare minute to do so.

*  *  *  *  *

After a quick breakfast, I checked my emails and found a lovely note from my dear friend Conny from Germany – a spiritual-based friendship that I developed while recovering from my burns in Valladolid last December. I was thrilled to learn that she has followed the longings of her heart, quitting her job in Germany, moving to Valladolid, and beginning her own internal journey of learning to trust and to follow her heart.

As I finished reading her email, I felt a prompting to make a few Skype phone calls – and my internet connection seemed to be quite stable and high-speed – something which has been very rare as of late. I tried to call my friend Michelle and another friend back home – but Skype simply refused to ring the phone on the other end even though my internet connection was perfect.

As I was aborting my second attempted at calling Michelle, I noticed that at that exact moment, my friend Conny came online in Skype. My promptings told me to try calling her to see if it would connect, and five seconds later we were having a delightful video chat. It was so amazing to reconnect after these past seven months in which we have only had a few very brief email exchanges.

As soon as I finished my call with Conny, I again tried Michelle, and to my delight the call went through flawlessly. For nearly two and a half hours we engaged in deep spiritual discussions filled with incredible growth, inspiration, insights, and intuitive connection. Many times I was brought to tears by the deep spiritual insights that Michelle shared with me, and she commented about the deep energy that she felt flowing through her as we talked. Michelle and I have adopted each other as sisters. We are exactly three days apart in age, and we seem to have a deep past-life soul connection that continues to deepen with each communication.

The only time our internet connection phased out is when our discussion started to go to non-spiritual topics near the very end. We literally were unable to hear each other for about 30 seconds. As soon as the connection came back, we both realized that we were not supposed to have that other side-conversation. For fifteen more minutes we continued our amazing spiritual interchange before we both knew that it was time to hang up and move forward with our day.

Amazingly, not more than a minute after our call ended, my internet connection returned to flaky mode, and has been flaky ever since. There is no doubt in my mind that our quality connection was preserved for us so that we could engage in a deeply connecting conversation that was absolutely meant to happen. As I shutdown my computer and prepared to run off to lunch, I was floating in the clouds as a result of the high energy vibrations running through my soul.

But my amazing day was not over. I continued to focus on my breath as I walked to lunch at one of my favorite eating spots. As soon as I entered the restaurant, I bumped into Jody and Scott, two of my dear friends from the last Moon Course. To make a long story short, I ended up having a two hour conversation with Scott in which I once again shared my life story and exchanged stories with him regarding our spiritual journeys.

After meditation, I was on fire with energy and anxious to begin writing about my day, but as fate would have it, many of my Sun group decided to go out for a movie (video) night at a local restaurant – and my promptings told me to embrace the chance to further bond and socialize.

*  *  *  *  *

Today, Wednesday afternoon, I finally found the time to catch up on my writing. I continue to watch my breath during all of my idle time, and am feeling an amazing presence of peace and calm resonating with me wherever I go. That state of presence seems to constantly invite more and more spiritual and social connection.

Everything seems magical right now. This afternoon, as I took a break from writing, I again returned to my favorite lunch spot. The owner (an American blues-musician and former cabinet maker named Carlos) and I have been briefly chatting off and on over the past few weeks. Today, out of the blue, as I walked into the restaurant, we somehow got onto the topic of Spirituality, and he asked me if I had read a few of his favorite spiritual books. To make a long story short, we ended up engaging in a delightful hour-long discussion on various spiritual topics.

It seems like the more I raise my vibrations, the more my life seems to respond with magical radiance.

All I can say is “Bring it on…”

Thursday, July 29 – 8:00 p.m.

Last night, a woman from the former Sun Course – a woman who is now one of our yoga teachers – invited all of her old Sun Course who just finished in June (at least the ones who are still here) to come over for a potluck dinner. As a side note, she decided to also invite our current sun course to join the social outing.

What a delightful evening it was. Early on, Sandra and I got started talking to each other, sharing spiritual stories, recent experiences, and spiritual insights with each other. Our high-energy conversation went on for what must have been two hours, deeply energizing both of us. I have said this before, but I will say it again. I am so thrilled to have my continuously developing friendship with Sandra. At the mere age of 23, she is an incredible, wise, ancient spirit. She is definitely my teacher – but I would like to think that we are inspiring each other.

As I retired last night, I felt as if my batteries had been fully charged, and extra electricity was overflowing and spilling out everywhere. I was spiritually on fire – so on fire, in fact, that I had a hard time relaxing enough to drift off to sleep.

*  *  *  *  *

I have been feeling slightly under-the-weather all day today, and as a result my energy vibrations have been somewhat off-kilter. I have slight intestinal cramps and embarrassingly horrid smelling gas – but I have managed to mostly hide that fact from others (until now that is LOL).

The day has been mostly good, but my ability to concentrate and focus has been taxed. Nevertheless, I enjoyed this morning’s Tarot practicing, and I am loving the process of immersing myself in a book called “The Kybalyon”, based on the ancient teachings of Hermes Trismegistus. I read this book quickly one time during my Moon Course and was very pleased by how much in line the teachings dove-tailed with my “A Course In Miracles” beliefs. As I read today, I picked up a great deal more insight and look forward to continuing tomorrow. I am anxious to do some deep meditations on some of the concepts that are jumping out at me.

Tonight, after a slow and lazy afternoon, I stopped by the home of the local doctor (the only doctor in town) to ask about getting tested for parasites. Tomorrow evening I will get the results. I have felt for over two weeks that I am again coming down with another infestation of the persistent little intestinal creatures. Things like Giardia, Amoebas, and other similar parasites are extremely common here in San Marcos, especially with the foreigners. Most of the locals have built up long-term tolerance of the little organisms that infest the water supplies here. Even though I only drink bottled water etc…, it is very easy to pick up the bugs when eating in places where dishes that have been washed in tap water are not thoroughly dried before they are reused.

Tonight I plan on crawling under the covers of my bed quite early. I am eager to have a new and energizing start tomorrow.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Tuesday, July 20 – 7:00 p.m.

Sunday morning I woke up with a strong message running through my head. I had no memory of any dream-type experience that may or may not have placed the words in my mind, and the words were something I already knew – but I took the message quite seriously just the same. As I came into conscious awareness, I found myself repeating the concept over and over, trying to remind myself to not forget. While I do not remember the exact words, the concept was very clear.

“It is not what I do or accomplish that matters. What matters is the state of consciousness that I maintain as I do the work – the state of connectedness and the higher vibrations that I feel in each moment of the journey.”

To me, these words were a very powerful reminder to focus on being present – to focus on how I feel as I engage in every moment of my daily activities – that raising my level of vibration is far more important than anything else that I can possibly do.

I had an incredible opportunity yesterday afternoon to practice this message, resulting in an experience that I hope to never forget.

*  *  *  *  *

One day during my Moon Course in mid-May, I was eating lunch with Steven at Ganesh – a small restaurant here in San Marcos that is quite popular with many of the foreigners – especially the younger crowd. As I enjoyed my meal, I noticed a very interesting ceremony going on at a small table over in the back corner. Several smiling young women were sitting around the table, holding glasses of what looked like hot chocolate as a fifty-something grey-haired man talked to them about their experience.

My friend Sam (Samantha) was sitting briefly with the group, drinking a little of the chocolate herself – but she did not stay long. Minutes later, she stood up and came over to the table where Steven and I were sitting, engaging in a brief chat before heading back to her home just five minutes up the hill.

Over that few minutes of brief conversation with Sam, I learned that the interesting grey-haired man was lovingly referred to as the “Chocolate Shaman”. He had only recently returned to San Marcos, after some extended travels. Sam explained that he has people drink “Cacao” and then talks to them for several hours, guiding them through an inner journey. Sam told us that it can be quite the amazing experience.

For the remainder of my lunch conversation with Steven, I continued to occasionally glance over at the unusual event going on over in the corner of the restaurant. I felt a certain amount of judgment at the silliness that I seemed to be observing. While I have to admit that I felt a slight curiosity about what was going on, I certainly had no desire whatsoever to pay the $25 (US) fee to have a similar encounter. As is often the case in my past journeys, my mind was quite closed and resistant to an experience regarding which I actually knew next to nothing.

Imagine my surprise this past Saturday when Eric, a former Sun Course graduate who is visiting San Marcos for about a month approached me and asked “Hey Brenda, I have arranged for the Sun Course to have a session tomorrow at noon with the Chocolate Shaman – do you want to participate?”

Eric told me that he had participated in the experience during his own Sun Course, and that it had helped him to access and open up new levels of consciousness.

Totally trusting Eric’s advice, and feeling a desire to engage in a fun bonding experience with my fellow “Sunnies”, I replied in the affirmative, having no clue at the time as to the incredible energizing experience in which I was about to engage.

Sunday, right at mid-day, six of us from our group of eight (two were feeling sick and opted to not participate) gathered in preparation for our as-yet-unknown experience. Ten minutes later, we were seated on Yoga mats in an open-air second-floor studio, just 75 yards from Lake Atitlan. I cannot imagine a more beautiful setting for the adventure on which we were embarking together.

The Chocolate Shaman (his name is Keith) began by telling us a little bit about himself. A few years ago I would have believed his story to be utter nonsense. Now I believe every word. Beginning in the mid 1980’s he was trained for six years by a group of beings who channeled their messages into a meditation group in which Keith participated. Fifteen years after completing this training Keith was guided here to San Marcos at Lake Atitlan, where his spiritual guides taught him how to use raw minimally-processed Cacao in spiritual ceremonies.

Participants in the process drink about two ounces of raw cacao dissolved in about eight ounces of water. Without adding sugar, the chocolate is actually quite bitter tasting. Interestingly, within about ten to twenty minutes after drinking the mixture, the chocolate helps to facilitate a very strong sensation of spiritual connectedness. Keith jokingly refers to his Guatemalan-made chocolate as “Love-grade” chocolate, explaining that it helps to open the heart. He told us that the processing done by literally all of the large chocolate companies around the world removes the vast majority of the substances in the chocolate that bring this sense of heart-space well-being.

But it is not the chocolate that made Keith’s ceremony special. Yes, I did feel a very mild buzz of spiritual energy, but it was Keith himself that brought the real healing to our group. About twenty minutes after drinking our chocolate he began guiding us in meditations. The first one involved simply smiling.

Minutes after we lost ourselves in our peaceful smiles, Keith began making rounds, one-by-one seating himself right in front of each of us, talking to us, bringing a great deal of clarity and understanding to what people were feeling. It seemed that he had a powerful connection to our internal energy states. Amazingly, when someone experienced an internal shift in consciousness of some type, he could immediately feel it and comment on it, even before the person said something out loud.

With me, he recognized a deep peaceful state, congratulated me on my self-love. Then, without telling me what or why, he asked his friend Barbara to do some energy work on me. As Barbara did some type of Reiki-like energy manipulations, I could feel big shifts happening in my consciousness.

These shifts happened as I continued listening to the many things that Keith was telling to others. Most of his words resonated extremely powerfully with me. Perhaps the most meaningful was something that Keith said to one of the women in our group while Barbara was still working on me. He told her that she does not need to continue living in and among the dense energies. He told her that she has the mistaken impression that she needs to stay down in the “muck” in order to work through her issues before she will give herself permission to rise to the higher vibrations.

“The door is open right here, right now.” He told her. “You don’t need to live here in this heavy energy. You can walk out of that door any time that you choose. You don’t need to clean out all of the closets and corners in your old dwelling first. It is much easier to clean out your energy when you move to a new home filled with loving higher vibrations.”

As I listened to these words, I felt a huge shift take place in my mind. I realized that over the last few days I had begun to live in the mucky dense emotions, decorating my surroundings with the imagined painful anxiety and feelings that my ex-spouse and possibly my children might now be feeling regarding my recent prompted actions.

Somehow, in the process of trying to be “Loving” I had convinced myself that to be considered to be a good caring parent that I needed to feel bad – to internalize this sadness and worry. I had to carry the burden and feel a little guilty. It was almost as if I was telling myself that if I don’t hurt about what I have done then I am not being loving.

As Barbara continued to do energy work on my back I internalized Keith’s wisdom-filled words, I suddenly felt myself moving to a higher-vibration abode. I realized how incredibly silly it was for me to be living in that depressing dense energy. My soul suddenly felt amazing freedom as I left the negative energy behind, imagining myself walking out of the mental prison cell, and setting up my presence in a place of freedom. In my new energetic abode, the love for my family was stronger than ever, and it was love without the guilt, without the sense of “I need to suffer”. I was free. I was happy. I was flying with inner joy.

Interestingly enough, as I was talking to Barbara four hours later, thanking her for the amazing work that she did on me, she told me that as she moved the energy around, she felt as if energetic wings suddenly formed on my back and spread out with stability and confidence.

Another of Keith’s messages that resonated quite deeply with me was one that he delivered to one of the guys in our group. He told him that it was time to stop taking his spiritual path so seriously, to stop trying so hard. Again, as I listened to Keith’s continued wise words about enjoying our journey, I felt as if the words were my own intuition, speaking ever-so-clearly to me. I have felt for a long time that I need to smile much more in my journey – it is so easy to get caught up in the trap of being “seriously spiritual.”

Throughout the 4.5 hours of our amazing ceremony, my heart and soul seemed to vibrate with clarity and energetic power. Keith guided us in several other meditations – love meditations, truth meditations, meditations with our third-eye, meditations with our future self, and others. Every one of them connected powerfully with my energy, and throughout the all-too-short time, Keith continued to blow me away with the way he seemed to know what was going on inside someone’s private energy – the amazing way that he counseled others and zeroed right in on their issues.

After the first 45 minutes, I was just glowing with energy, in many ways feeling more emotional and spiritual clarity than I have felt in my entire life. The six of us from the Sun Course shared an incredibly bonding journey together – a journey that ended in yet another bonding experience – a delightful dinner and follow-up conversation at the local Japanese restaurant.

As I retired on Sunday evening, my heart was full with resonating joy.

*  *  *  *  *

Lately I have been struggling to find time to write in my journal. It seems that social activities have become the norm, and my afternoons and evenings have been filling up with wonderful, but time-consuming, events.

I have done very little intensive studying over the past several days. On Monday I squeezed a few short study sessions in between two long practice Tarot readings that I facilitated. Both were delightful and just as helpful for me as they were for the people whose cards I read. The first was a long reading in the afternoon for my friend Christina from the Blue Lily. The other was after evening meditation for my Moon Course friend Shannon. We had so much fun talking in that final reading that we did not end till nearly 10:00 p.m..

But speaking of that Monday evening meditation, another very special thing happened. It so happened that we had a very small group in attendance. All but two of the present Moon Course had decided to participate in a Monday afternoon session with the Chocolate Shaman. With a group of only ten of us in meditation, Chaty felt inspired to do something much more personal. After our thirty minutes of silent meditation, Chaty came around to each of our individual meditation mats and channeled a message for us regarding a wooden magical emblem that we needed to make or to have made – one that we would energize, and which would help us to fulfill our spiritual missions.

I was filled with interest as she channeled instructions to the others in the room, most of them involving round wooden discs with embedded symbols, six pointed stars, lotus flowers, Hebrew letters, and the like. When she came to my position and channeled my magical emblem, she told me that I was to build a small three sided pyramid out of three different kinds of woods. There were no circles, no embedded symbols – nothing complex like the others – just a small pyramid with three sides, three woods, and no bottom.

I was blown away as I immediately recognized the synchronous significance of my symbol. I have a consortium of three guides, the chief one of which is Pythagoras. How appropriate for me to have three triangles – three woods – forming a small simple three-sided pyramid. There was no doubt in my mind that this whole situation was set up by the Universe to once again add more powerful confirmation to the guidance that I continue to receive, on a sporadic but powerful-when-it-happens basis.

*  *  *  *  *

As I retired late last night (Monday), I was very tired, but felt inspired to get out and do a little “Reiki energy clearing” on a few of my crystals in preparation for bed. As I mulled over the decision of “which ones”, I felt deeply drawn to a small four-inch-diameter black obsidian sphere. There is a little history to this crystal – a crystal regarding which I have never spoken publicly.

The week before I began my Journey in June of 2009, I participated in a channeling session with my friend Trish back home in Salt Lake. After the session I asked her about a small obsidian sphere that she had in her meditation room. I have since learned that many people who engage in channeling have a similar black obsidian sphere (including Rafael’s teacher, Maestro Hercules, back in Cancun).

To make a long story very short, I felt deeply drawn to purchase my own obsidian globe and to bring it with me on my travels. Last November, as I packed my bags in Cozumel in preparation to begin backpacking around the Yucatan, I made the difficult decision to leave my beautiful obsidian crystal behind; I had never really connected with it, and it was simply too big and too heavy to carry around with me. To this day that crystal sits in a suitcase in Cozumel.

As I finished my Moon Course and prepared to enter the Sun Course, I felt a deep longing to reconnect with my obsidian sphere – I felt a strong inner pull telling me that I needed to have my obsidian sphere during the Sun Course. I actually thought about going all the way back to Cozumel during my short ten days of free time, but felt guided instead to travel to San Cristobal de Las Casas (in Chiapas, Mexico), resting and taking several tourist day trips. On one of those long day trips – the one where I spent the entire day traveling to and from the Mayan ruins of Palenque, our tour group made an hour-long stop at a place with beautiful cascading waterfalls – a place called Agua Azul.

As I walked around Agua Azul, I felt a strong hunch that I needed to look for a new obsidian sphere. As I walked past row after row of local vendors and artisans, I stumbled upon a small booth selling a few crystals, including a beautiful four-inch diameter obsidian sphere – the only one I have seen anywhere in my travels since leaving Teotihuacan near Mexico City last October. Needless to say, I followed my deep promptings, bought the obsidian sphere, and brought it back to Guatemala with me.

Last night, as I finished clearing the energy on my crystals, I followed a hunch and took my obsidian sphere to bed with me. I immediately felt a powerful flow of energy streaming from the crystal through my left hand and arm, and then out my body. I enjoyed meditating with that flowing energy until I finally fell asleep. I cannot say that I had any channeling or clarity type of experience, but the flowing energy was amazing.

This morning (Tuesday) as I awoke to use the restroom during the wee morning hours, I noticed that the energy was still flowing through my body. When I got up around 5:30 a.m. the energy continued – just like the energizer bunny. By 5:45 a.m., I sat up in bed, engaged in upright meditation, and enjoyed another hour of deep energetic peace and inspiring spiritual feelings – all the while the energy continued to flow. If it had not been for yoga, I probably would have continued my meditation for even longer.

*  *  *  *  *

It is difficult to believe, but today (Tuesday) officially ended the first month of our three-month Sun Course retreat. This evening during 5:00 meditation, my Sun Course group began our second five days of silence. The current Moon Course will be graduating during a full moon ceremony on Sunday evening. I cannot believe how fast everything is moving. I continue to love the process of cramming my head with information, but am greatly looking forward to these next five days of going inside, focusing more on the meditation side of things.

I was quite surprised to learn this morning that the Sun Course is expected to fast during the Moon Course silence. I was thinking that I would slightly cut back on my eating – but after class I headed over to the reception office and signed up to purchase two daily juices and one bland runny soup.

My resistance is gone and I am “all in”. As I prepare for bed on this, my first evening of silence, I am excited to see where this quiet, reflective, minimal-diet time takes me. I have many memories of powerful meditations that took place during my Moon course fasting, and am curious to see if any such experiences come knocking on my door again.

Wednesday, July 21 – 6:30 p.m.

Wow, where do I begin?

When I had my “Chocolate Shaman” experience on Sunday, I was peaked with deep interest as I heard Keith mention to the group that he does private consultations. Something in my heart jumped up and down very excitedly when I contemplated the idea of yet another possible session with Keith.

“If I can go this deep in one session,” I thought to myself, “I wonder how deep I could go in yet another, especially if it is focused fully on my own experience.”

I had absolutely no idea of what I would hope to accomplish in such a session, but my spirit was definitely urging me blindly forward, telling me to “just do it already”.

Monday, as Keith was preparing to perform his magic with the Moon Course, I pulled him aside and asked about his private sessions. He gave me directions to find his home, and told me to just stop by – that I would not need an appointment.

This morning, on the first full day of our current five days of silence, I waffled in and out of the question “Do I go see Keith today, or do I wait till later in the week … or possibly wait until our silence is over?” There was no doubt in my heart that visiting with Keith would be an appropriate reason to temporarily break silence.

Shortly after 9:00 a.m., after paying very close attention to my feelings, I found myself beginning the fifteen minute walk towards Keith’s home. Something inside made it quite clear that today was the day. I walked the entire distance with presence, being more in tune with the moment than I have been in quite some time.

As Keith came to his door, he asked if I could come back in the afternoon, telling me that 2:30 p.m. would be a great time for him. I was thrilled to have an appointment, and quite unattached to the fact that I would most likely miss evening meditation and an already-paid-for fruit smoothie. My heart told me that all was perfect.

As Keith and I began talking on his porch at 2:30 p.m., I indicated that I had absolutely no idea why I was there – telling him only that I felt a strong internal prompting that I needed to return and to go deeper into my meditative journey. As I looked around, I was quite surprised by the absence of chocolate. Keith started the session without pouring a single drop of the brown heart liquid.

Before I knew what was happening, Keith asked me to close my eyes – and we had begun my journey. Keith asked if I could feel the energy in my body. I answered honestly, indicating that I really couldn’t feel much, just a tiny bit of tingling in my spine.

“Just follow the energy” he told me. “See where it goes.”

It took several minutes but I finally started to reach a meditative state where I felt a heavy denser energy in the back of my head.

“Ah-hah” Keith told me at almost the very instant that I recognized the energy in my head. I had not said a word out loud to tip him off. This was only the beginning of a two and a half hour journey where Keith seemed to know exactly what I was silently experiencing, even before I was fully aware of it myself.

Keith explained to me that there was an energy – a part of my higher self – that was grouping in front of my heart, wanting permission to join with me. As I deepened in meditation, I could begin to feel the energy – but only barely.

Throughout our session, Keith would occasionally speak, giving me a play-by-play announcement of pretty much everything I was feeling and experiencing. Sometimes he would tell me what was about to be happening, but mostly he just interpreted my internal sensations for me in a way that gave me incredible clarity and insights. Without his guidance, I would have dismissed 99% of what I was feeling as being mere imagination and utter silliness. My huge clarity and growth came from the fact that Keith was feeling my inner journey and interpreting it for me. Much of what he told me helped to deeply fine-tune my energy sensitivities.

Early on, Keith pointed out that I was facing fears and a feeling of conflict between mind and heart. He told me that the energy would not merge without my blessing and permission – telling me that spiritual energies will not do anything to me unless I invite them. I experienced a feeling of hesitance and resistance – wondering just what this energy might really be – just what it might bring with it if I were to invite it in. Keith’s intuitive description of what I was experiencing was uncanny.

As I debated with my resistance, my heart took me to memories of my March 23^rd dream and the messages of “Forget everything you know” and “Lower your defenses”. I pictured my resistance as a scared puppy hiding under a sofa, and I gradually began to talk myself through my fears, reminding myself that I was deeply prompted to come for a visit with Keith – that every time I have lowered my defenses I have been thrilled with the results.

Finally I felt my resistance melt, being replaced instead by a loving feeling of deep peace. Right on cue, Keith pointed out to me that my resistance was now gone and that I was allowing the energy to begin merging with my soul.

I could not possibly detail the whole experience here in my journal, but suffice it to say that the inner journey was amazing. Keith explained that the energy was doing things to me that my head would not be able to understand, and that I simply needed to trust and allow. I continued to go deeper into meditation, frequently reminding myself to “Forget everything I know” and to “Lower my defenses.”

As Keith explained that the energy was helping me to remove denser energies that no longer served me in order to make room for newer higher-vibration energies, I could feel denser energies symbolically come up into my awareness and then drain away from my consciousness through what felt like the left side of my jaw. Keith explained that many past parts of my self – parts of my discarded or suppressed personality from my younger years – wanted to rejoin with me, to reintegrate with me. Among other things, Keith told me that these were parts of me that were spontaneous and joyful. My mind flashed to memories of how I had buried those creative and spontaneous parts of my personality beginning at around age eleven or twelve.

Later in the process, Keith explained that I would now be experiencing denser energies from my own past/parallel lives – that I was in a place where I was capable of allowing that unwanted energy to pass through me on its way out – that the energy would pass through me but it would not remain with me. He explained that by doing this, I would be helping my own self in many dimensions. For what must have been thirty minutes or more, I smiled inside as I visualized all kinds of this dense energy coming into my awareness, and passing through my head. In this deep meditative state, I had great fun in my imagination as I found creative ways to dispose of the just-passing-through energy. My favorite was to drop it out of an open door in the bottom of an airplane, feeling it explode on its way to the distant ground below.

As with the rest of the session, Keith frequently jumped in with a commentary about what I was feeling – and he was always right on, often telling me things which I had not even quite recognized as of yet.

Toward the end of the session, Keith explained that what I was experiencing during our session was just the beginning of my new growth. He told me that, with my permission, my Higher Self will be making many more changes and doing a considerable amount of processing within me over the next ten days to two weeks. He indicated that much of this growth would occur in my sleep, but other shifting would take place during my meditations and other waking experiences.

I wish I could remember everything. Suffice it to say that the experience was extremely powerful for me. I was deep in a very high vibration state of meditation, and it was all done without the aid of any heart-altering chocolate, none whatsoever.

As I walked home this evening, having missed the beginning of even meditation at the pyramid temple by about thirty minutes, I felt as if I were floating on a cloud.

Did I say yet that I am loving my experiences at Las Piramides Del Ka?

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Sun Spots: Episode 5

(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Monday, July 12 – 11:15 a.m.

Yesterday was both a difficult and a wonderful day. I awoke quite early and did a final edit through my very awkward (but loving) email to my former spouse. Knowing deeply in my heart that I was doing exactly what spirit was guiding me to do, I finally positioned my mouse cursor over the send button, bit my lip, held my breath, and pressed the send button.

My head continued to ask “What the heck are you doing?”  My heart peacefully reminded me that I was honoring spiritual guidance to do a very difficult and unpleasant thing – a task that my Pisces, conflict-avoiding nature simply did not want to do. But I remained true to my promptings, maintaining internal integrity with my inner guides. The feeling was quite bittersweet – knowing that my action may be seen as hurting someone that I still love, while at the same time recognizing that the action will create the opportunity for great growth and freedom on both sides.

For a while, I simply sat in a swamp of mixed emotions, letting the feelings settle while I aimlessly played solitaire on my computer. About an hour later, I finally left my cocoon, did a small Tarot reading on myself to ask for guidance, re-centered myself, and walked out of my front door on my way to get some breakfast.

Almost immediately, Narkis, one of our Sun Course group (from Israel), saw me and invited me to go to breakfast with her and Katie (another fellow Sun Course student). Narkis had been asking me random questions for a few days, and I kept putting off the answers, telling her I would answer later. At breakfast, the perfect opportunity arose when Narkis again began to ask questions about my current emotional journey.

“I will have to share my life story with you before I can answer that.” I told her and Katie. “Do you want me to do that?”

The next hour was filled with me talking and them eating French toast while mine got cold. I realized yesterday that I have literally reached a point in my life where I have absolutely no fear about sharing my once-shameful story – zero fear about what people might think of me.

The conversation was beautiful and inspiring. Narkis gave me considerable insight into several of my dreams – perhaps the most profound was her suggestion that the young boy sitting by me in the boat in the middle of the Caribbean – the same young boy who told me that we were in Astral – was myself as a child – and that the woman I was later talking to – the one who told me to “Forget everything you know … and to Lower your defenses” – could be myself in the future. A strong feeling told me that I need to meditate on those thoughts – something I have not yet done.

*  *  *  *  *

Yesterday, July 11, 2010, was the 19^th birthday of Las Piramides del Ka. On July 11, 1991, in the midst of a full solar eclipse over Lake Atitlan, Chaty first dedicated the pyramid center for spiritual work. Interestingly, yesterday was also a full solar eclipse – not here in Guatemala, but in Chile.

In honor of the birthday, we spent our afternoon in silence, and then had a special birthday celebration in the temple last night at 7:00 p.m.. Thirty-eight of us were in the temple, all dressed in white, for a beautiful spiritual ceremony – an experience that I will never forget. Twenty-one of us were the current Moon and Sun courses, the rest were Chaty and former Sun Course graduates who were in the area. Afterwards we enjoyed a large potluck dinner. When I excused myself to return to my room at 9:45 p.m., most people were still partying in the common area.

I fully intended to go to bed, but found myself rereading my now-sent email letter, still rebalancing my emotions, making sure that my heart was filled with love. I finally went to bed shortly after midnight, feeling deep peace in my heart – realizing that my spiritual trust and integrity was carrying me into the next phase of my life – a phase that I could not have entered while still carrying old emotional issues around in my soul.

In the middle of the early morning I was awakened by a strong need to run to the restroom. I glanced at my clock which read 3:30 a.m.. As I continued to rest under the covers, with my knees both bent and my feet close to my hips, I felt the sensation of something moving the lower cuffs of my pajama bottoms, brushing them against my shin.

“That was strange!” I told myself, wondering if I was still dreaming. I checked my legs to make sure there was nothing in the bed with me, replaced my covers and resumed my position. Again I felt the same sensation of my pajama bottoms being moved under the covers, rubbing against my leg for the second time. This time I knew that I was not dreaming, and I again checked under the covers to look for a cause. As I began to replace my sheet over my legs, I again felt my pajamas move between my shins, and this time I actually witnessed the tail end of the movement.

Immediately a wave of spiritual recognition rushed through my soul while a strong tingling energy vibrated throughout my body. I remembered the two previous early-morning times when I had felt three distinct pushes on the foot of my bed – as if someone were sitting on either side of my feet and then standing up again. The second time that happened was in April, 2009, when I had my dream about the bicycles, string, and bees – the same powerful and vivid dream that continues to guide me on today’s journey.

I immediately sensed in my heart that those three movements to my pajamas were another clever signal from my three guides. A sense of knowing told me that my guides had been waiting for me to resolve past emotional issues before taking me forward to new growth experiences.

Immediately I felt a strong need and desire to relax into deep meditation – to open myself to listen to whatever message might be coming my way. The first message that actually came was “Get up and go to the bathroom now … we will wait.” I just giggled as I ran to the bathroom and hurried back to my room.

When I returned, I reclined in a fully relaxed position on my bed, and was soon enjoying what felt like a mild whirlpool of energy gently pulsing through my body. I grabbed a quartz crystal and placed it on my third-eye, feeling like I needed to make myself available for an Astral travel attempt – being completely unattached to what might actually happen – but hoping for an out-of-body experience.

What did happen was a very long period of lying completely still, relaxed, intensely conscious, and focused in concentrated, alert meditation. The energy continued to flow through my body in an energizing, dancing sort of way, teasing me, with small surges and then slowing down. I continued to focus with my entire consciousness, determined to be awake and present in the moment.

I never again checked my clock, but I am guessing that I fell asleep sometime between 5:00 and 5:30 a.m. – but I still did not move. When I came back to awareness at 6:30 a.m., I was still completely relaxed, flat on my back, with the quartz crystal still standing upright on my forehead.

I have no idea what the purpose of this morning’s meditation experience might have been – but I do know that the energy was amazing, and I am excited to see what happens next.

*  *  *  *  *

On another note, in case you can’t tell, I am quite blown away by how the Tarot cards seem to be speaking to me. We have now learned the basics of interpreting all of the cards – both in their relation to the Kabala Tree of Life, and also to their use in spiritual readings. Chaty has asked us to practice on ourselves, and as I do, the cards that keep coming up for me as I examine my emotional and spiritual journey always seem to be 100% in tune with where I believe that I am in my journey.

My resistance to the Sun Course has completely melted away. I eagerly look forward to internalizing everything I can, lowering my defenses, opening my mind to new ideas, and immersing myself in the spiritual energy that flows with most all my experiences. I find that my “A Course In Miracles” beliefs have been extremely valuable in helping me to understand the deeper meaning of Kabala and Tarot symbolisms, and I have yet to feel like what I am learning is in conflict with my deeply held spiritual intuitions in any way.

If I had remained closed-minded, refusing to sincerely study new topics, I would have been missing out on all of this growth.

Tuesday, July 13 – 7:15 p.m.

Wow – what an emotion-filled day. This morning, I was fully aware that one year ago today was the day that we buried my dear sweet mother – and that just a couple hours after the funeral I was synchronously blessed with the opportunity to be in the room with my mother-in-law when she also took her final breaths. To top it off, today would have been my mother’s 95^th birthday.

But I mostly didn’t think about last year’s events until this evening in meditation. Deep peace continues to fill my heart regarding the passing of both of the dear sweet mother-figures in my life. My memories of that beautiful but exhausting day, exactly one year ago, are filled with gratitude and deep spiritual synchronicities.

The real emotion today started shortly after noon, when I was finally able to get a reliable Skype connection with which I could contact my bank. I had an errand to perform – one which I dreaded – one which I knew that I absolutely must do. As I ended the call, knowing that automated support payments to my former wife had been terminated, my heart was overwhelmed with confusing emotions.

Yes, I continued to feel a deep peace, knowing that what I had done was exactly what I had been prompted to do – exactly what I knew that I must do. Yet at the same time I also felt emotionally numb, almost empty. For several years I have known that this day had to happen. For several years I have dreaded the potential emotional backlash that might occur when it did. Following a prompting that did not result in immediate Joy is an uncommon experience for me – an experience that I hope to not have to repeat many times in my life.

This evening, before meditation, I spent some time trying to re-center myself spiritually, but I was still feeling disconnected and numb. As I was about to head out the door, I quickly grabbed my Tarot deck and intuitively selected a single card on which to meditate. The card was the three of Pentacles – a card which in normal readings means usually means something like “ability to communicate/work/be-in-agreement with others.”

“That is an interesting card to choose for meditation.” I silently thought to myself as I walked down to the pyramid temple, wondering what possible message this card might have fore me.

As I began meditating, it did not take long for me to start exploring all possible symbolism of the card. One of the symbolic meanings really hit home on an intuitive front. In the Tarot deck, each of the cards numbered one through ten (in all four suits) corresponds to one of the ten spheres (sephiroth) in the Kabala Tree of Life. It so happens that the three of pentacles corresponds with the third sphere of the Tree of Life in the physical/material realm. This third sphere is called “Binah” (which means Understanding) – but one of the symbolic meanings associated with Binah is “The Mother of Creation.”

As my meditation intuitively guided me to this alternative title, my heart immediately latched onto the realization that this card was telling me to meditate on the mother that created me in the physical world. My heart filled with deep gratitude as I let my meditation wander through many wonderful memories from both of the two mother figures in my life.

During the second half of tonight’s meditation, Chaty took us through a guided meditation to our childhood, beginning at age twenty-one, and then regressing all the way down to our five-year-old self.

As I pondered my feelings and emotions at each of those life stages, one thing that jumped out at me over and over is how I was constantly feeling as if I had to please others in order to be deserving of their love and affection. I realized that even in my younger childhood, I was desperately focused on trying to “win” my parent’s love by behaving in a manner that I believed would make them happy and proud.

As the meditation neared an end, as Chaty guided us back to the present moment, an underlying wave of emotion was beginning to surface with a vengeance. I realized that one of the primary reasons that I have had such a hard time dealing with my present “support money” situation is that I have again been petrified by the fear of what might happen if I don’t do things to try to win the love and approval of my family.

As I left the pyramid temple, I felt drawn to my favorite tree in the medicinal garden, where I again placed my hands on its smooth, energy-filled bark. I reconnected with the tree’s grounding earth energy, and again felt its deep affinity with the elements of air, water, and fire. As I stood there with my arms outstretched, tears began to stream rapidly down my cheeks.

Returning to my room, I curled up on my bed, and allowed the emotions to surface freely. The emotion went all the way back to childhood – expressing deep sadness at having to always pretend to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be – to do what I thought they wanted me to do – always being concerned with the opinions of others – always sacrificing the fancies of my heart in order to make sure that I did not disappoint others – always feeling afraid to express my true inner self.

The emotion came bursting out in the form of deep sobs and teeth-chattering shakes, lasting for about fifteen minutes. It then ended as quickly as it began. With those emotions finally released, I again felt happy, spiritually balanced, and ready to get up and to write.

I am fully aware that this emotional roller coaster ride may not yet be over – but I am fully committed to stay present, to maintain my spiritual balance, and to go wherever the ride takes me. There is no doubt that all of this is for my growth – and for the growth of my family.

Wednesday, July 14 – 7:15 p.m.

I had a vague dream last night. I did not quite understand the few details that I could recall. I only remember that I had been meeting with a large group of people who were all preparing to embark on a cross-country journey. I was concerned about how I would get transportation, since I did not have my own. I barely recollect that a friend had offered to let me ride with them – but then my oldest son came into the dream and told me that he had room in the back seat of his truck, and that I could make the journey with them. As he invited me, I realized that my whole family would be participating in the journey, and I wondered about the awkwardness that might ensue based on the events of this past two weeks. At this point I woke up, believing the dream to be nonsense – but in an effort to keep a personal commitment to myself, I wrote it down anyway.

Before yoga this morning, I remembered that Chaty told us that we can use a Tarot reading to help us to interpret our dreams, so I decided to give it a quick try. I opted to do a quite large and detailed layout, with a three sided pyramid (triangle), with seven cards on each side – the right side representing the past (leading up to the dream), the bottom representing the dream itself, and the left side representing the future (after the dream).

I was not quite sure what to expect, and I had to draw a couple of extra cards for clarification, but the results were amazing. What I ended up figuring out is that the cross-country trip was the long emotional journey in which my family is now engaging as a result of my promptings to stop support payments. I felt a deep sense of gratitude that my son invited me to make the trip with him – implying a desire to communicate and offer loving support. The cards seemed to confirm that there would be emotional tests and obstacles to work through, but that the outcome would be great spiritual strength, emotional balance and self control – powerful growth for everyone.

I found it quite fun to interpret a dream using Tarot as an intuitive trigger – and I loved the interpretation that came as a result. I know that spiritual guidance is always win-win (even though it may not look that way), and I totally believe that the outcome of my family’s cross-country journey will indeed be great and positive growth for all.

*  *  *  *  *

This afternoon, just an hour after returning from breakfast, a couple of Moon Course acquaintances walked by and we had a really bonding conversation as we discussed deep spiritual topics. One of them excused herself while I continued to talk to the other (Jody). Minutes later, a different Moon Course young woman (Sara) (that I had never officially met) walked up and invited Jody to lunch. As they started to leave, Jody looked over her shoulder, and on the spur of the moment asked if I wanted to go to lunch with them.

My initial reaction was to say “Thanks, but I just ate breakfast barely an hour ago.” But as those words were leaving my tongue I paused and found myself listening to a prompting. Seconds later, I was saying “Yes, I am not very hungry, but I could have a burrito or something … I would love to go.”

As the three of us walked to a delightful little restaurant down by the lake that has a beautiful view, I felt a strong energy confirming that I would be sharing my story. I love sharing my background and my experiences from my spiritual journey, and could easily talk nonstop for many hours about the amazing growth experiences that continue to guide me on this journey. Because of this, I always first check in with my heart to make sure that my desire to share is not based on ego. Today my feelings clearly confirmed that I would be sharing, and ego was not the reason.

As we engaged in deep spiritual conversation while waiting for lunch, Sara and I were constantly looking at each other with amazement as we realized that our beliefs were nearly identical regarding everything that we discussed. About thirty minutes into the conversation, someone asked me a question that was a perfect lead-in to me asking if they wanted me to share my story. For ninety minutes, I talked almost nonstop while my burrito went cold. I kept checking in with them to make sure I was not boring them to death, but they kept begging me so share more of my journey. I love how spirit works.

As a result of that conversation, I now have two more fun friends here at the pyramids, and I was gifted with the opportunity to do my first Tarot reading ever for another person. This afternoon, I did a reading for Jody – a reading that turned out to be a great experience for both of us. Friday afternoon I will be doing one for Sara. Did I say yet that I am really feeling a deep connection with the spiritual symbolism of the cards?

I am really starting to feel at home here, and every day I grow more excited with the energy that I feel – energy telling me that I am in for an exciting ride.

Saturday, July 17 – 6:45 p.m.

Wow, what an up-and-down roller coaster ride these last three days have been. Thursday after class I took a boat ride into Panajachel to run errands – to get more money at the bank, renew my mobile internet, buy flashlight batteries, red cloth, and more peanut butter, etc…

As I returned on the 2:30 p.m. boat, I felt drained and exhausted as I struggled to stay awake during the boat ride. While returning to my room shortly after 3:15, I felt a deep need to take a nap, but I instead ended up spending all of my afternoon time staring blankly at my computer screen, simply playing mind-numbing games. For some reason, after having been in such a spiritual environment here in San Marcos, a trip to other places has a way of knocking me off center – removing me from my state of spiritual connectedness. Whenever I feel spiritually disconnected, one of the first things I notice is that I feel tired and distracted.

Thursday evening, after our normal thirty minutes of silent meditation, Chaty led us in a “Past Life Regression” meditation. This is a repeat of the process that I did in my Moon Course where I ended up seeing myself as a fisherman in Peru, a single father raising a young girl by myself – the same regression that turned out to be such a powerful guilt-healing experience. In this week’s Thursday evening meditation, I had the distinct impression that I was the son of an artistic sculptor, working on constructing the pyramids of Egypt. I loved playing in the sand and watching my father work. Eventually, I became a sculptor myself, taking over in my father’s stead. I haven’t quite figured out the meaning of this regression, but I do know that I have struggled with suppressed creativity in this lifetime. Perhaps recognizing that I had a very artistic and creative past life can help me to add creative perspective to my present experience.

After meditation on Thursday evening, I went to dinner with about 20 people from here at the pyramid center. One of our Sun Course participants (Marcel) was celebrating his birthday and we all joined in to help celebrate. Prior to heading over to the restaurant, I felt quite resistant. I was feeling so spiritually centered after the meditation that I would have preferred to simply go back to my room, write in my journal, and meditate some more. But I did go to dinner, and it turned out to be a great experience. I am grateful that I followed my promptings and participated socially – the first such evening outing that I have made since beginning the Sun Course four weeks ago.

*  *  *  *  *

On Friday afternoon, I facilitated my second Tarot card reading, this one being for Sara from the Moon Course. I am so impressed with Sara. At only 23, she seems to have such a beautiful connection with the subconscious world – she could easily be my teacher.

I had a very humbling and humorous experience Friday evening in Meditation. I had been wrestling with a bad case of intestinal gas for over 24 hours, and had recently begun taking some grapefruit seed extract pills that seem to help tremendously with intestinal parasites (things like Giardia, Amoeba, and other fun little creatures are extremely common here in San Marcos). After finishing our thirty minutes of silent meditation, we had just barely reclined on our mats in preparation for a guided meditation.

I attempted to silently and inconspicuously release some unpleasant gaseous pressure in my abdomen. To my shock, the sound of a loud and unexpected fart suddenly rumbled forth from my posterior. Within about 5 seconds, the majority of the room burst out in uncontrollable laughter. To my surprise, rather than feeling embarrassed, I simply joined in and enjoyed a wonderful laugh. The laughter was contagious, lasting for almost ten minutes. Each time we almost had ourselves under control, someone in the room would lose it once again, and we would all burst into unbridled, uncontainable giggles.

Since we were all lying down, I was not quite sure if anyone knew exactly where the origin of the ghastly sound had come from – but I knew it did not matter. The old me would have been horrified and ashamed – the new me just had fun with the present moment, lowering my guard. The whole experience reminded me of a dear spiritual-teacher and friend of mine who frequently reminded us to remember to laugh. In fact, one of my goals here at my retreat has been to smile more, to feel a more joyful and to be more playful relaxed presence in all of my activities.

I am happy to report that I succeeded admirably in this goal on Friday evening.

After meditation, I went out for the second night in a row. The plan was to have dinner with one of the women from the Moon Course (Amy), but it ended up being a group of eight of us that enjoyed a fun Friday evening together. Again, I almost backed out, but am grateful that I took the time away from my studies and meditation to simply enjoy the strengthening of a few more social connections.

Over the last few weeks, I have begun to feel quite connected to others, both in the Sun Course, and in the current Moon Course too.

*  *  *  *  *

My most recent emotional roller coaster, however, started this morning, Saturday, July 17, 2010.

Because of a worldwide meditation for peace that was taking place this morning at 8:00 a.m. Guatemala time, our normal Saturday classes were moved to Sunday so that we could all participate. This morning, a large group of us climbed the hill just to the west of San Marcos – the same hill where I sometimes go to experience some alone time with nature.

As I was waiting for the ceremonies to begin, Narkis (from the Sun Course) began to ask me lots of questions about my relationship with my children. In the process of trying to explain the awkward dynamic that exists – lots of love, yet a difficulty in communicating – I began to feel very sad. All week I have been successfully fighting back self-defeating and worrisome thoughts about how the act of following my recent promptings may (or may not) affect my relationship with my wonderful children. Today’s sad feelings, however, got the best of me, and pulled me into a very reflective and emotionally withdrawn mood.

I loved the 8:00 a.m. meditation ceremony led by Chaty – a beautiful ceremony where a large group of over forty people from around San Marcos were sitting in a large outdoor circle, surrounded by nature on all sides.

I also thoroughly enjoyed a 10:30 a.m. fire ceremony that was subsequently held in the very same place – this one being led by a Mayan Shaman. But during the time in between these two ceremonies, I found myself longing for a quiet place to hide and cry.

Shortly before 1:00 p.m., as the beautiful Mayan Ceremony ended, I hurried back down the hill to the seclusion of my room – but instead of curling up on my bed I felt an urge to first go out and get some lunch at the Blue Lily café. As I ordered my vegetarian pizza, I sat and visited with Christina – my casual friend who now works quite often at my favorite tiny restaurant. We have continued to have fun chats now and then, ever since we first met at the café in late June – but I had still never felt a prompting to share my story with her.

This afternoon, I found myself sitting just a few feet away from Christina – and for the first time in a long time, she was not working – she was relaxed and simply enjoying a day off. After a few minutes of conversation, I began to unexpectedly cry. Feeling embarrassed, I tried to push down the tears, but Christina urged me to open up and share what was going on. To make a long story short, I ended up greatly deepening yet another friendship by sharing my life story once again.

This is getting to be such a common occurrence that it seems like a non-story, yet every single time that I open up and share what were once deep dark secrets, my heart seems to heal even more. For me, such experiences are incredibly powerful, even though they are becoming ever so common in my daily life.

Amazingly, as I shared my stories with Christina, my depression simply melted away and was replaced with joy and peace.

But the break in my roller coaster ride was short lived. As I returned to my room, I again found myself excessively preoccupied with what might be going on back home, worrying that everyone might be angry at me for being such a mean horrible person for following my difficult promptings.

Immediately before meditation tonight, I was still lost in a spiritually-detached state. I pulled a quick Tarot card on which to meditate, and to my dismay the card was probably the worst in the deck – the ten of swords – a card which indicates a “bottom of the barrel” feeling in the realm of mental thoughts. I believe the universe was trying to tell me that I need to pull myself out of my negative woe-is-me thinking pattern that has been shadowing me occasionally throughout the week – especially today.

Interestingly enough, during the second half of this evening’s meditation, we again worked with oracle cards – this time the cards that we worked with were the 22 Major Arcana cards of the Tarot deck.

The card that I intuitively selected during this meditation process was a card representing Judgment Day, when the tombs are opened and the dead are raised to return to God’s presence. In terms of our spiritual journey, the main significance of this card is to represent the awakening and rebirth process in our own spiritual lives.

As I meditated peacefully on this second card, the message suddenly hit me. The Universe was very subtly reminding me that my spiritual responsibility in this lifetime is to awaken myself. It is not my job to worry about whether my children may or may not be angry at me; it is not my task to try to make anyone else like me or understand me. My one and only responsibility in this life is to spiritually awaken within myself.

In a unique and powerful way, Spirit reminded me tonight that my task is to respond to the internal promptings of my heart – to judge no one – to send unconditional love to everyone – and to heal myself.

As I catch up my writing on this beautiful Saturday evening, I once again am blessed with a rich and spiritually penetrating peaceful feeling – a strong knowing in my heart that I need simply respond to promptings – Spirit will take care of the remaining details.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

 
(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Saturday, July 3 – 8:15 p.m.

I had my first encounter with a live scorpion in my room this morning. I have a tiny open-topped bag that serves as a minimal purse – a small zippered pocket for money and a slightly larger pouch in which I keep a pen, my eye glasses, and a few miscellaneous papers.

This morning at 8:25, as I grabbed my eye glasses to take with me to class, I noticed some type of spider that fell out of my eyeglass case onto my notebook. At first it was all curled up and I could not tell what it was. Suddenly it relaxed and took its real shape. It was a small scorpion, with a body perhaps three-fourths of an inch long and a tail that was about an inch long. I wanted to let it go outside, but it jumped off my notebook onto my floor. I tried to step on it, but it ran to my entryway. Before it could disappear beneath a grass floor mat, I whacked it with my umbrella. No way did I want it to be hiding out by my shoes under the floor mats in my room.

I feel bad that I killed the poor creature, but the thought of getting a scorpion sting right now is not exactly inviting. I have heard several scorpion stories around San Marcos, but this is the first I have actually seen here in Guatemala. Mine was a baby compared to most I have heard about.

*  *  *  *  *

Tonight in meditation, we drew oracle cards during the second half – and then meditated on them. The cards that we used tonight were of Hindu origin, and were simply cards with inspired messages on them. At the end of our first thirty minutes of silent meditation, I pondered deeply the fact that tonight I wanted to draw a card that would help me know what I need to do to move forward on my path. As I observed the layout of cards, I noted that a single large deck of cards had been split into three groupings on three sides of the center pyramid. My intuition strongly told me to choose a card from the third grouping – and to select the fourth card from the left.

When I went to the front of the room, I still felt deeply guided to that same card. The card was titled “The Sacred Om”, and the text was all about the significance of “Om.” My intuition strongly told me that I need to raise my vibrations – not just in meditation, but in my every day activities. I need to approach every situation with more spiritual energy and conscious presence. I am really looking forward to focusing on this goal as I move forward with each moment of this retreat.

Sunday, July 4 – 7:00 p.m.

One year ago today I boarded a plane on the island of Cozumel, headed for a brief sixteen-day trip back home. As my plane screeched down on the tarmac, late on that Saturday night in Salt Lake City, I had one main thought on my mind – the rapidly deteriorating health of my dear mother. As I reminisce tonight about my precious last moments with my sweet mother, I feel a deep gratitude for her continuing influence in my life. I find it quite difficult to believe that a year has already passed since I took the first steps of that amazingly synchronous trip back to Utah.

Today has been a day of reflecting and study – but mostly study. I must have read for at least six or seven hours today, pushing my mind to the point of burnout. Our three month Sun Course is divided into two main sections. During the first fifty days, Chaty has asked us to fill up our mind with a base of intellectual knowledge about the Tree of Life, Tarot, Astrology, Numerology, Alchemy, Emerald Tablet, and all of the complex mazes of symbolism involved with each.

During the final forty days our entire focus will shift. Throughout those final six weeks we will be in silence, eating a gradually restricting diet, and meditating for a great portion of the day. The purpose of our meditations will be to internalize the symbolisms into our subconscious, seeking our own personal experiences with the divine.

After studying for much of today, I am actually looking forward to finishing up the study phase.

Tuesday, July 6 – 9:00 p.m.

Yesterday and today, I didn’t have a whole lot to talk about. Both days were quite routine – filled with yoga, Tarot class, evening meditation, and lots (and I mean lots) of studying – trying to cram my brain with additional information on the Tree of Life, Astrology, and Tarot.

But tonight, all of that has changed. I just now ate my standard peanut butter and honey sandwiches and banana, more than two hours later than normal.

As I left evening meditation, I wandered through the medicinal garden here at the pyramids, and I connected with the very same tree that I connected with after our “Om Meditation” a few nights ago. As I placed my hands on the smooth bark of the tree’s branches, I felt a powerful energy exchange, and I found myself subconsciously connecting with the four elements that sustain the tree’s life.

I felt the incredible stability and life-giving power of the earth below, into which the tree’s roots sink deeply in search of nutritional sustenance and physical support. Likewise, I felt, on a deep personal level, the importance and function of water, air, and fire in the tree’s life cycle (fire being the energy of the sun).

As I slowly walked away from that tree, I experienced a new and personal appreciation for the elements – but that appreciation had not yet gelled into full understanding.

One thing that had gelled many times previously, however, was my strong resistance toward embracing the elements, especially toward the element earth which represents the physical world. As discussed in a different post, it is my deep belief that this physical world is an illusion – and as a result, I had no desire to waste my time connecting with an illusion.

As I was nearing my room, I stopped for a short chat with Sandra. I felt prompted to ask her about her experiences in using the Tarot as a personal do-it-yourself guide to help her through her Sun Course growth processes. She began to describe what she does, after which one thing led to another, and soon she simply suggested that we do a trial reading together. Fifteen minutes later, we had the cards spread out on a scarf on the floor of my room.

My question was “What do I need to do in my current spiritual path to begin making more progress through my Sun Course Processes?” We did a Celtic-Cross layout, and I used my intuition to select each card. I was amazed at how the meaning of the cards (each and every single one of them) fit so perfectly with my question. The whole experience was quite energizing and inspiring.

But even more amazing was our subsequent discussion that just ended a few minutes ago. Sandra and I have so much in common on our spiritual paths and our beliefs about the world and the Universe. And even with her being only 23 years old, I totally see her as being my spiritual teacher and as my reflection. She has had some incredible energy and meditation experiences over the past few weeks, and she has so much to teach to me about how to raise my vibrations and to meditate more effectively.

As our conversation was beginning to wind down, we somehow began to talk about the four elements. I mentioned how much I have resisted connecting with the physical, and she expressed the exact same feelings – but she has only recently realized that connecting with the physical earth is critical as a “grounding element” in the spiritual connecting process.

As Sandra was talking, a powerful wave of recognition shot through my own awareness. I suddenly connected with the fact that my most profound spiritual growth began six years ago last month when I experienced a deep life-changing connection with nature at the top of a wilderness mountain in north-central Utah. After that amazing spiritual experience in June, 2004, I made a firm commitment to return to the mountains – by myself – on an almost-weekly basis in an effort to repeatedly reconnect with that divine energy that had so deeply energized my soul. Honoring that self-commitment has been a huge blessing in my life.

I almost laughed at myself as I realized what I was telling Sandra. Over the last six years my spiritual path has been largely fueled by a deep connection with the earth – the physical element. It is so ironic that my strongest resistance has been about embracing that same element. Tonight, as I prepare for bed, I feel a new and deepened connection to Mother Nature and to the physical earth that provides stability and nourishment to all life on the planet.

I still believe this earthly existence to be an illusion, but I will certainly embrace the elements that sustain my soul as long as I continue to find myself walking around barefoot with my toes in the soil of this dream world.

Thursday, July 8 – 7:00 p.m.

The past two days have been two more examples of study, study, and study some more. I have a feeling that the next five or six weeks will be very similar. The good thing is that I am really enjoying these studies. I am finding the information that I am gleaning to be quite fascinating, and I look forward to the time when I can meditate deeply on each element.

When I participated in the Moon Course, I took advantage of a couple of “kneeling” meditation benches – the kind of bench on which I could sit while kneeling down with my legs sticking out under the bench behind me. As I began the Sun Course, I instinctively wanted to use the same benches (there are only a couple of them), but a little internal feeling urged me to learn to sit on the lower-down benches, with my legs crossed.

For the past week and a half, I have been using these more traditional benches. They are only a few inches high, with a sight slant to them. I continue to struggle with my feet going to sleep and my hips aching, but I am pushing myself relentlessly, refusing to give up on my quest for meditative flexibility.

One side-effect of this intensive knee twisting is that the muscles in my lower-left back began to hurt slightly during the early part of last week, and gradually, the muscles seem to be worse and worse. For many days now, I have wondered if the back pain is due to my hard mattress with uneven ridges on one side. I know that some mattresses have caused me to have back pain in the past. Then I have also speculated that all of the daily yoga stretching is taking its toll – but I believe the stretching is actually helping to alleviate the pain. It has only been the last two or three days that I have begun to suspect that the pain is related to my sore hip muscles which are in turn pulling on my back muscles.

Through all of the pain, I have maintained a very positive attitude, refusing to let it stop me from daily functioning. I continue to go to yoga every morning, and I continue to sit on that low bench with crossed legs for long periods twice each day. Whenever I sit, stand, or bend, I have to do it very carefully and consciously, but I do it anyway.

Last night, a brilliant flash of insight entered my mind. I will utilize my painful back muscles to help me practice lucid dreaming.

I am still passionately desirous of developing my dream skills – and one of the main exercises for waking up while still dreaming is to develop the habit of being present in every moment of the normal daytime hours. Another critical exercise is to constantly ask yourself if you are dreaming, touching objects and asking is this physical or is this astral – etc. The idea is that if you develop the habit of questioning reality during normal activities, that you will then do the same while dreaming in the astral realms. This greatly increases the likelihood of waking up while still inside a dream.

So, to make this long story short, last night I started using my pain as a trigger to ask myself if I am dreaming. Today, all day long, I have gotten really proficient at remembering to question my reality. The whole practice has greatly helped me to be more present in each moment – more aware of what is going on around me. Who would have guessed that a strong back pain could be used for such a creative purpose? I have a sneaking suspicion that this whole back-pain was given to me for this very reason, and that it will resolve itself as soon as I internalize this skill.

*  *  *  *  *

Last night before bed, as part of my exercise to more fully ground myself with the physical realm, I surrounded myself with a small grid of crystals while lying in my bed. I started out by placing a grid of six quartz crystals around my body, smaller ones at my feet, both sides of my knees, both sides of my elbows, and a larger one at the top of my head. Then I placed a small ruby crystal (red-ish) on my root chakra, a carnelian crystal (orange) on my sacrum, a citrine crystal (yellow-ish) on my solar plexus, a green crystal over my heart, a sky-blue crystal over my throat, and a purple crystal on my forehead.

As I began to meditate, I felt an incredible wave on energy begin to dance through my body from the top of my head to the root chakra. The energy reminded me very much of a similar energy that passed through my body during a crystal healing session a couple of years ago. For almost thirty minutes I thoroughly enjoyed the sensations of the strong flowing energy.

I don’t necessarily know what I did, or what it means, but I definitely know it had something to do with raising the energy levels in my body, raising my vibrations, and learning to sense the energy that passes through my chakras. Regardless, I know that it was a wonderful experience, and I fully intend to practice and perfect my connections with the vibrating energies of crystals.

*  *  *  *  *

I had a dream this morning. I don’t remember much of it. What I do remember is that I was sitting in some divine school, taking detailed notes in a lined notebook. A teacher was giving us information to write down in the notebook, and as each item was given, I repeated it carefully in my mind and then wrote down the words in my notebook.

But the only words I remember are the final words that I wrote before waking up. They were “My ego gets in the way.”

Great food for thought … that devious little ego is so sly and cunning.

Saturday, July 10 – 7:00 p.m.

Tonight before meditation group, almost as an afterthought, I quickly grabbed my Tarot deck and intuitively selected a face-down card to inspire me during meditation. For the second night in a row, out of a possible 78 cards, I randomly (with intuitive guidance) selected the Ace of Cups – which signifies the deepest spiritual root of the element water, the element of emotions. I’ll talk about last night’s card later, but first, I want to talk about tonight.

As I meditated on the card, I kept thinking that it must have something to do with making sure that my emotions are balanced with love in relation to the steps I am taking related to support payments from my former marriage – but that aspect just did not resonate with me during the meditation tonight.

Then, toward the end of the second half of tonight’s meditation – during a time when we were supposed to be meditating on an archangel card, the realization hit me. The time was approximately 6:15 p.m. when the tears first started to conspicuously trickle down my cheeks. I found myself visualizing a small bedroom in an assisted living center in Orem, Utah, sitting on a double bed, stroking the cheeks of my dear sweet mother, holding her hand, telling her I love her – all the while she was taking her final breaths.

Exactly one year ago tonight, at around 6:22 p.m., my wonderful mother took her last breath in this earthly existence. I am so grateful for the opportunity to spend those final moments alone with her. I am filled with profound gratitude for the lessons in love that my dear mother unknowingly taught to me during the final several years of her life. To most people she was a very confused woman with Alzheimer’s. To me, she was a beautiful woman who taught me to see beyond outward appearances into the soul.

As tonight’s meditation neared an end at about 6:30 p.m., I was still wiping back a few tears when I noticed that I was sitting directly in front of a symbol, just three feet away, on the small middle pyramid. The symbol, a downward facing triangle, represents water, the element associated with emotion, the element associated with the Ace of Cups. Normally I sit in a different seat, but just for tonight, because a few of our Sun group were missing, I was in this different spot.

After returning to my little private pyramid bedroom, I intuitively knew that it was time to process some deep loving emotions. After avoiding the issue for about ten minutes I curled up on my bed, returned to a state of light meditation, and visualized myself visiting with my mother. One of my favorite things to do with her (since she really couldn’t do anything else) was to sing simple children songs with her. Her eyes would often light up with delight as she realized that those childhood words were still accessible in her memories. She would often smile with a look of great surprise as she joined in to sing with me.

As I rested on my bed tonight, reminiscing about these beautiful memories, I began to sing a few of those same children’s songs. Almost immediately, the loving floodgates of my eyes burst forth. The emotion was beautiful and loving; I allowed the emotional water to freely pour forth from my eyes, squeezing in notes and words of the songs between the sobs. Then, after a few songs, the emotion dried up as quickly as it began.

As I sit here typing in my room, I feel a deep loving closeness with an incredible woman who taught me my childhood lessons of love and values. Thank you Mom! I love you.

*  *  *  *  *

Last night (Friday night), I also selected a quick Tarot card before meditation at 5:00 p.m., and amazingly enough, that card was also the same Ace of Cups that I picked tonight. For the last eight days, I had been nervously awaiting a response from my former wife regarding the letter that I sent to her last week. Throughout this week I have repeatedly found a place of deep peace in my heart, knowing that I am doing the correct and inspired thing – but I have also been intuitively aware that maintaining a state of pure love during the process is critical. My promptings are clear on that one. I have fully met my obligations, and it is time to stop payments – but the process of doing so has to be handled with a balance of love and gentle firmness.

During meditation, I focused deeply on the process of exploring my emotions regarding the issue, and to my amazement, I felt solidly entrenched in that space of loving balance that I so desired to achieve.

After leaving meditation, as I sat down to write in my journal, I noticed that my much anticipated response letter had finally arrived. I was almost afraid to open it. As I did so, I was quite pleased with the tone of the letter – but not with all of the content. I knew that the time had come to write yet another letter – an even harder one. But I also knew that the Ace of Cups was a powerful message for me, and I needed to deeply explore and balance my emotions before attempting to write anything.

As I went to bed last night, I fully expected to fall right to sleep and to think about the letter in the morning. Instead, I found my mind busily churning away on the imminent task at hand. By 11:00 p.m., I was growing weary of the process and took a half sleeping pill – my first one in a long time. At midnight I was still awake with my emotional review continuing relentlessly.

The process that was going on in my head was quite intense. Repeatedly I was bombarded with not-so-loving thoughts about things that ego wanted to say in my response letter. Repeatedly I analyzed those thoughts, recognized their source, blessed them, and then replaced them with loving and balanced thoughts.

Sometime during the early morning, I believe that I must have actually gotten two or three hours of broken sleep – but it was not much. At 5:00 a.m. this morning, I finally followed my promptings and crawled back out of bed, sitting down in front of my computer to begin writing – a writing process that has continued throughout much of today.

Intuition tells me to sit on the my letter for one more night, and to edit it again tomorrow with fresh eyes – making sure that everything I say is said with loving intent and purpose. I will not send it until I feel that my goal has been met.

Writing these letters has not been fun. It has been one of the most difficult things I have done in many years. But my heart is very clear on this one. The only way I can maintain a sense of personal integrity is to honor the deep inner promptings telling me to take these extremely unpleasant steps with a loving and balanced heart.

*  *  *  *  *

On another front, my back feels slightly better this afternoon. One of the women in the Moon course convinced me that my symptoms are indicative of a pinched sciatic nerve in my left hip area. When she had me push on a specific area of my buttocks, the pain amazingly went away. When I released the pressure, I once again could hardly stand up.

During Yoga this morning, we practiced a move called the “pigeon”. I believe that the deep hip stretching actually helped to loosen the nerve. This evening, during meditation, I noticed almost no pain at all. Tonight, it is hurting again – but I just smile each time I try to stand up and ask myself “Am I dreaming?”

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Sun Spots: Episode 3

(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Sunday, June 27 – 7:30 p.m.

Today has been an interesting weather day. We had nearly 24 hours of non-stop medium-to-heavy rains starting early yesterday afternoon, and finally slowing down late this afternoon. As I checked the weather on the internet, it looks like we have been getting the bottom edge of Tropical Storm (now Tropical Depression) Alex as it entered Mexico from the Caribbean side, just north of Belize, and then headed northwest through the Yucatan towards the open waters of the Gulf of Mexico – where it will likely pick up wind speeds once again. Luckily, today’s rains here at Lake Atitlan were not strong enough to bring additional flooding to the nearby villages.

This evening, as I sit down to briefly write, my umbrella is finally drying out – as are my flip flops and my sweatshirt.

Everyday for meals, I have been eating oatmeal with fruit for breakfast, and then going to a random restaurant to buy a more filling and varied lunch meal. Finally, for dinner, I have been staying in my room – eating two peanut butter and honey sandwiches and a banana. But today, for some reason, my eating has been completely different. Instead of my normal routine, my timing was off, and I ended up devouring a very early lunch.

As 5:00 p.m. came and went, I was feeling quite hungry, and peanut butter sandwiches just did not sound sufficiently filling. As I considered restaurant options, I felt an internal pull to order a Caesar salad at one of the nicer restaurants in town – a restaurant called “Fé” (which means “Faith” in Spanish) – a restaurant at which I have rarely eaten.

Just after I seated myself by a nice warm fireplace, while still waiting for a menu, a lone man walked through the restaurant door. When the waitress came out with menus, she saw me already sitting and assumed that the man and I were together, placing both menus on my table.

I just smiled at the man and handed him his menu as he sat at a nearby table. But because of the brief contact (with perfect timing) we started talking to each other. I almost invited Lee to sit with me, but never quite felt the prompting to do so – but I most certainly would have said yes if he had invited me to sit with him at his table.

For most of the next hour, we conversed nonstop back and forth over a six foot distance, having a delightful conversation. Lee is 45 years old, from somewhere in Great Britain. He loves traveling, and recently decided to retire, sell his home, sell most of his belongings, put the rest in storage, and to begin traveling extensively. Sound familiar?

Lee plans to spend seven months in the San Marcos area before heading home to England for a month – after which he plans to travel somewhere else in the world for another seven months, continuing the pattern into the foreseeable future.

I don’t believe in coincidences. I have been quite happy with my normal routines, and would have been very content with a peanut butter sandwich tonight. I even had a little left-over pizza in the fridge hat I could have eaten – but internal hunches took me right to the place at just the exact moment when I could begin the foundation of yet another potential friendship.

Who knows? Our conversation tonight could be a one-time thing – but as I shook Lee’s hand, thanking him for a fun and inspiring chat, I mentioned that I will be surprised if we don’t bump into each other again since we will both be consistently eating out once a day in San Marcos for the foreseeable future.

It is so fun being completely unattached to all outcomes – simply being able to trust that whatever is supposed to happen will happen exactly as it is should. Whether tonight was the beginning of a fun friendship or just a one-time discussion does not matter to me in the least. Unattached trust brings with it an incredible feeling of freedom – the freedom to simply be my genuine self.

Monday, June 28 – 7:00 p.m.

I had one of those dreams this morning – you know the kind – a vivid dream, filled with strange bizarre symbolism – the kind of dream that resonates in my heart as “this one is important – write it down – figure it out.”

 Based on the age of my youngest son, the setting must have been about fifteen years ago – yet not all of the ages and circumstances line up in a coherent way.

The dream starts out with a strong sense of knowing in my heart that I have been assigned to play a role – to pretend to be my very old, hunched-over, grandmother – my mother’s mother. For some reason I do not question this assignment, and implicitly know that I am supposed to do it. It seems like my whole family has encouraged me to play the part – my former wife and my children all being in on the secret.

My strange assignment while pretending to be my grandmother is to go to church and to give a speech – staying in character and convincing everyone that I am her. It seems perfectly obvious to me that everyone is expecting my grandmother to give a very important speech – but for unknown reasons, she is unable to be there. (I was 18 years old when she passed away.) While in the midst of my dream, it only makes logical sense that I would fill in for her.

The next thing I know, I am climbing into a large grey passenger van, driven by one of the local church leaders. I am hunched over, wearing an outdated dress and a wig, acting old and frail – but feeling totally conspicuous. I feel incredibly awkward and it only seems obvious that I am doing a horrible job at this pretense. I am shocked that everyone around me seems totally convinced that I am my mother’s mother – treating me with love and respect. No one except me seems to be suspect anything is abnormal.

As we walk through the halls of the church and into the chapel, many people lovingly greet me. I continue to feel extremely obvious – out of place – totally confused as to why people really believe my awkward presentation.

While sitting in the front of the chapel, my spouse hands me the script for the speech that I am supposed to give. Up until this moment, I have not given a second thought to the words that I would say from behind the pulpit. As I look over the papers that were placed in my hands, I realize that I have not been given an organized speech at all. It is not a well-written talk that I can simply read and then sit down.

In my hand I hold a collection of articles and stories. I am suddenly aware that I need to study the articles and then summarize them, expounding on the hidden symbolism of things I know absolutely nothing about – having never seen the papers before this very moment.

“I can’t give this speech.” I frantically ponder to myself. “First of all, I don’t look or feel anything like my grandmother, and second of all, I am completely unprepared.”

“No one will think a second thought if my weak frail grandmother is suddenly too tired to give this speech.” I quickly plot as I lean over to my former wife, asking her if she will stand up and give the speech for me – telling the congregation that I am too tired to give the speech myself.

The next thing I remember, I get up and I leave the chapel, struggling to remain in character, still amazed that people believe I am who I am presenting to be. I can not pretend anymore. I feel as if trying to pretend to be my grandmother is tearing away at my insides.

Minutes later, I am sitting back in the front passenger seat of that same grey van, as someone from the church drives me home. I am so anxious to take off these clothes, to stop pretending to be something I am not.

But as I get home, my children are all hanging around, and I suddenly realize that they too believe that I am their great-grandmother – and I absolutely cannot let them in on the deception – they would feel so betrayed. (As I pondered these thoughts in the dream, it seemed strange that they would not know, because I thought they were in on the original decision for me to play the role in the first place.)

Nevertheless, I continue to play my arduous role, trying to pretend to be my mother’s mother. I remember vividly walking down a hallway between the kitchen and living room, and seeing a huge, very impressive fish aquarium. It had to be at least eight feet long and six feet tall – being around two feet deep. Inside the tank, in crystal clear water, a beautiful variety of large tropical fish were swimming gently, back and forth.

My former wife said something about needing to get rid of the fish tank, and my youngest son immediately jumped up, expressing his incredible love for the fish, insisting that we needed to keep them. As my young son was talking so cutely (he appeared to be about eight to ten years old in the dream), I found nothing strange when he reached his arm into the aquarium and began stroking the side of a beautiful blue angel fish.

(As I reflect back on that image, however, my son was very short and the top of the aquarium was at least four feet above his head. As far as I can tell, he was simply sticking his arm right through the glass itself.)

The next thing I remember, I am up on the roof, feeling exhausted from trying to play this strange role. As if it is the normal thing to do, I walk across the roof of the neighbor’s house, stopping at a small patio on the roof about three homes down the street. I feel as if I have found the perfect place to sit and hideout. As I am sitting, resting, feeling trapped and alone, a young girl comes up on the roof, recognizes her friends’ great-grandma, and begins to talk to me.

“Arrrgh” I think to myself. “I need some downtime – I need to stop having to play this role – I need to be allowed to be myself again.”

Saved by the bell, so to say, my former wife walks across the neighbors’ roofs and finds me, explaining to the young girl that I am old and tired, and that I need to come home to rest. Once home, I walk into a bathroom and look into a mirror. What I see is hideous. I look absolutely nothing like my grandmother. My short dark hair is showing around my ears, and my wig contains long, black curls that are not even remotely similar to my grandmother’s hair. I look very masculine, and am disgusted by what I see, wondering how people could possibly believe my fraudulent presentation.

Then the plot gets even weirder. The phone rings and it is Oprah on the other end, inviting me to be on her show. She is amazed by my life and wants me to be a guest. Just as she is telling me who the other expert guests will be, the line goes dead. Some children across the room have pulled out the phone line.

Immediately I feel a sense of devastation – experiencing emotion that seems to be from the perspective of my present-day self. I seem to have the benefit of all of my memories of my life struggles and my current spiritual growth path. I feel like I deserve this opportunity to be on the Oprah show. I have worked so hard to achieve my growth – having graduated from so many years of struggle.

A deep sense of gloom tells me that Oprah will not call me back, and that the opportunity has fizzled away.

In the midst of this emotion, I wake up and look at my clock. It is 5:55 a.m. on Monday morning, June 28, 2010.

As soon as I finish scribbling down the details of my dream, it is time to rush off to yoga class. I would love the opportunity to meditate on the dream – but that will have to wait. Throughout the day, I frequently think back about the strange events.

*  *  *  *  *

As I think about the dream later in the day, many of the parallels seem perfectly obvious. The dream seemed to take place at a period of my life where I was growing intensely weary from playing the role of husband and father. I was pretending to be someone on the outside that did not feel real. On the inside, I felt like a fraud, a fake, a circus clown – yet for some strange reason, everyone around me was utterly convinced of the authenticity of my pretense. The more I was expected to play that masculine role, the more I just wanted to run away and hide.

I find it quite odd that, in the dream, I was pretending to be my grandmother. Even though we lived hundreds of miles away, I felt very close to my mother’s mother. Strangely enough, my very psychic friend Trish even told me once that my mother’s mother and I were the exact same soul, reincarnated in different bodies. She told me it is not uncommon for the same soul to be in multiple incarnations at the same time. Now, I am not fully sure I believe that – yet I have no reason not to believe it either. I have really never had a personal confirmation either way.

But one thing is perfectly clear. The fact that the dream had me pretending to be someone else that I love dearly seems to more clearly illustrate the absurdity of the situation I found myself in just fifteen years ago. Even though I am and will always be my children’s father – on the inside I was no more a man than I was my own grandmother. It was all an act – trying to please everyone else.

The church part of the dream is easy to interpret – again taking me back to the fact that I tried so hard to fit into the Mormon belief system during my younger years. But by my early thirties I felt like a fish out of water. The speech I was supposed to give seems to be like my religious testimony. When it came time to address the congregation, the ideas in the papers in front of me were so confusing and foreign to me that I simply could not give the speech.

Intuition tells me that the fish tank part of the dream was merely inserted to give me a visual picture of my youngest son’s age – allowing me to place the supposed timeframe of events.

The Oprah part of the dream is also easy. I have long had a strong feeling that someday after my books are published that I will most likely be a guest on various talk shows. I do not like to publicly discuss those feelings, because they seem on the outside to be ego based. I have no attachment whatsoever to the idea – but nevertheless, I have fun manifesting the possibilities in my mind. Possibly, the fact that Oprah will soon cease her daily shows is related to the dropped call and my sense that she will not call me back.

But even with the obvious and simple conclusions to be drawn from this dream, I still felt as if there were some deeper hidden meaning buried in the symbolism.

Tonight, during our 5:00 p.m. meditation, I decided to spend our first thirty minutes of silent meditation focusing on the dream. About fifteen minutes into the meditation, tears began to stream down my cheeks as deeper meaning began to resonate powerfully in my soul.

As the tears slowly trickled, I reached a state of powerful and unmistakable internal knowing that all of my family (wife and children) were fully aware and supportive of the fact that their husband and father would eventually become Brenda. This was a decision that we had all made together before coming to this earth. It was a group decision that would force us all to face some very difficult, but powerful, growth lessons.

The reason I felt so puzzled in the latter part of the dream is that I intuitively knew that my children should already know that I was playing a role – in my heart I knew they were in on the plans, so why did I have to pretend around them? It made no sense.

Another healing took place in my heart tonight. Another lead brick of guilt was lifted from my backpack, melted and transformed by spiritual fires, leaving in its place the knowledge that my children are on their own incredible growth paths, and that I need feel no guilt over the fact that my life changes have brought them temporary obstacles to overcome. They chose these obstacles, and their growth will be (and already is) amazing.

As I prepare for bed, my heart is overflowing with love and joy. I cannot wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Tuesday, June 29 – 7:30 p.m.

I really love our little “Sun Course” pyramid temple. We entered it for the first time yesterday morning. We will have classes in this smaller temple every morning (except Sundays) at 8:30 a.m. – just after yoga. While this temple is much older, it has recently been refurbished inside. It is considerably smaller than the large pyramid temple where we do yoga, evening meditations, and where the Moon Course meets for classes.

Our small group of eight had our first Sun Course class with Chaty yesterday morning. She gave us lots of overview information about what we will be doing for the next three months. Today, our class was taught by Melanie. She normally teaches Saturday morning classes, but she and her family are going away for two months and Chaty wanted her to talk to us before she left. Melanie hosted a wonderful and inspiring discussion about her own personal experiences with the Sun Course, giving us a great deal of valuable advice about how to get the most out of our experience here at Las Piramides del Ka.

Melanie made it very clear that we should not compare our progress with that of anyone else. The Sun Course is always a very individual experience, and she emphasized that Spirit will basically work with us during our private meditations in exactly the way that we need, tailored in a way to meet us where we are at in our own individual path.

I came away from today’s discussion fully energized and spiritually alive. I am very excited to move forward with my yet-unknown growth experiences.

Shortly after class today, based on the fact that it was sunny for the first time in almost a week, I made a hasty decision to hop onto a boat and take a 40 minute ride over to Panajachel to run some errands – bank, shopping, etc… It didn’t take long for the rains to return. My ride home across the waves was wet and very rough. We are still picking up the tail end of a few outer bands of Tropical Storm Alex in the Gulf of Mexico.

I have been mulling over a question for a few weeks – a question of whether or not I wanted to purchase a “wireless mobile internet modem” for my laptop. Today I finally decided to do so, and one of my objectives in going to Panajachel was to make the purchase. I was not fully sure if I would even be able to get a mobile-phone internet signal in my room – but I am pleased to say that I do – even though it is somewhat transient in strength and reliability.

I now have internet access here at the pyramids. My biggest challenge will be to limit my online time so as not to distract myself from my meditation and study time – but in the long run I believe that having internet in my room will cut down on my outside distractions, as I will not need to spend time and money in the internet café every day. Time will tell.

Wednesday, June 30 – 7:30 p.m.

We began studying the Tarot cards this morning, and my resistance has disappeared. I am actually looking forward to learning more about the spiritual significance of each card. I did some meditating on the cards this afternoon and evening and felt a deep spiritual connection with the symbolism of the 22 Major Arcana cards – which essentially symbolically describe our life journey from birth back to enlightenment.

On a lighter note, I had my first haircut today in over eight months. My hair had grown at least four or five inches during this period, and the length and weight was making my hair feel scraggly and thin. I found out about a stylist here in San Marcos who is from Sweden. This afternoon I braved the scissors, and am very pleased with the results. My hair is now about the same length as it was when I began my journey almost thirteen months ago – but not quite the same style – and the color is way different. My once perfectly died auburn hair with blond highlights is now half salt-and-pepper grey and half faded blondish-red. I am beginning to quite like the grey and might just keep it this way.

This evening, during our 5:00 p.m. meditation, we did the same desert meditation sequence in which I participated early during my Moon Course. It was during that meditation 29 days ago that I had struggled frustratingly with my inability to visualize – but I had also experienced a powerful realization. That was the meditation where I was given the strong intuitive message that I was not yet speaking my full truth on my spiritual journey.

Tonight, I had a much more harmonious experience. I was still slightly handicapped in the visualization area, but I joyfully allowed my intuitive imagination to take up all the slack. After my first try at this experience last month, I had already forgotten all of the symbolic meanings (except for the steps) – so tonight’s meditation seemed as if it were my first time.

I would like to describe my meditation insights here in my journal – but before doing so I want to first summarize instructions for performing this guided imagery – before giving away the meaning of the symbolisms. This way, if anyone wants to try this for themselves before reading on, I won’t spoil the meaning for you.

After having already meditated silently for 30 minutes, Chaty instructs us to lie down on our backs, maintaining our already deep meditative focus on our third eye. She asks us to visualize or to imagine in whatever way works for us – emphasizing that it is important to let our subconscious lead the way, and to not think too much – we should just observe and focus on the first feelings that come up. Then she very slowly guides us through the following sequences, pausing at each step, asking questions to help us paint the picture in our imaginations.

1. Imagine that you are walking through a desert. Look around. What does it look like? What do you see? How do you feel? Etc…

2. Pay attention to how you are walking. Are you walking fast or slow? What emotions are you feeling as you walk? Are you happy or sad? Are you peaceful or fearful? Etc…

3. Can you see the end of the desert? If you can see it, how far away is it, and what is it like?

4. Can you see an oasis? If so, where is it? How far away? How many oases do you see? What are they like? Etc…

5. Can you see any camels? If so, how many can you see? How far away are they? Etc…

6. As you are walking along, do you see any cactuses? How big are they? Do they have blossoms or flowers? How many are there? How far away are they? Etc…

7. You come across an unusual item in the desert. You find a dice. How big is the dice? What is it made of? What colors is the dice? What number is showing on top? Etc…

8. You find a box in the desert. Pick up the box and open it. What do you find inside the box?

9. Look around you to see if you see people in your surroundings. How many people are there? Where are they? Etc…

10. As you continue walking through the desert you come to some steps. Walk up the steps. How do you feel? What do you see? What do you experience as you climb the steps? Etc…

11. We are nearing the end. A storm suddenly comes up around you. What kind of storm is it? Is there wind? Is there blowing sand? Is there rain? Is there lightning and thunder? How do you feel in the storm? What feelings and emotions do you experience? How do you react?

12. The storm ends. How do you feel now? What was your experience?

At the end of the meditation, Chaty then has us take seven deep breaths and roll onto our sides, at which time she tells us the symbolism behind the guided imagery.

In the paragraphs that follow, I will describe my personal experience during the meditation, and will then immediately explain the symbolism behind that portion of the meditation.

As I walked through the desert, what I saw was a vast collection of beautiful pure white sandy dunes. Sometimes I found myself walking between the dunes, and other times, I felt myself climbing up their sides in the soft sinking sand, playing and rolling around. My emotions took me back to an experience I had in Death Valley about 16 months ago where I walked in a very similar place. In tonight’s visualization, I felt an incredible feeling of peaceful energizing reverence as I walked quite slowly, barefoot, through the soft, cool sands squishing below my toes. I felt spiritually alive in the silent peace of my surroundings. No fears – just loving peace.

Chaty explained to us that the desert is the way we see our life. How we feel in the desert, and how we walk through he desert is symbolic of the way we approach life’s many varied situations.

When asked if we could see the end of the desert, I could not do so at first. Then I could faintly visualize the outline of mountains, perhaps five or ten miles away – reminding me very much of the mountains that surround Death Valley.

Chaty explained that the edge/end of the desert, if we see one at all, is indicative of the mental limitations that we need to overcome in our lives.

When asked if we could see an oasis, I struggled at first to see anything. I felt like there must be one out there, but could not see it. Then, as I allowed my imagination to take over, I began to see faint visualized images of young trees sprouting up all around me. They seemed to be arranged in a pattern on all sides, springing up in ever increasing numbers.

Chaty explained that the oasis, if we see one or more than one, symbolizes the amount of spiritual support that we have in our lives.

I had a similar experience with the camels, not being able to see or feel anything at first – but as I let my imagination take over, I felt as if a row of perhaps ten to fifteen camels were lined up a short distance away. I could see a faint visualization of the row as it disappeared into the distance.

Chaty explained that the camels, if we see any, represent the amount of material support that we have in our lives.

The cactus were easy. I saw occasional bunches of small prickly pears with beautiful blooming flowers of yellow, fuchsia, and red – reminding me of similar cactuses that I once saw in Canyonlands National Park, near Moab, Utah.

Chaty explained that the cactuses we see represent the problems in our lives. How many cactus we see, how big they are, and their distance from us are all part of the symbolism. Then she added that blossoms on the cactus indicate solutions for the problems, meaning that they are not really problems at all because they are easily solved.

When instructed to visualize a dice, I saw a single dice, perhaps ¾ inch across, white, made of hard plastic – very similar to those you might get in a typical board game. As I visualized the number, I clearly saw a single dot. But then, as my mind wandered I clearly saw three dots. Again, as I started to move on, I clearly saw a pattern of five dots.

Chaty told us that the dice is symbolic of our Ego. Regretfully, I could not understand her thick Spanish accent in the few additional words that she used to explain the meaning. I did hear her say, however, that we should use our intuition in meditating on the meaning of this one.

When I came to the box and picked it up, I found inside a small collection of something like cassette tapes – but I intuitively knew that they were some type of life recordings. As I continued to look into the box, I did not visually see them, but felt the presence of several crystals as well.

Again, I was a little fuzzy on Chaty’s explanation on this one. What I think I heard her say is that the contents of the box are symbolic of our life work – for instance, she did say that if you see crystals, it might mean that part of your path is to be a healer.

When asked to see if there were people around me, I felt is if there were a few people, here and there, scattered on some of the dunes around me (much as there were during my time in Death Valley). They were having fun playing in the sand and I was doing my own thing.

Chaty explained that the people around us in the desert symbolically represent the people around us in our lives. For instance, she indicated that if we did not see any people, it might mean that we are lonely or isolated.

When it came time to climb the steps – the only part of the meditation that I really remembered with any detail – I was wondering if I would feel the same tightness in my throat that I felt last month. Amazingly, my throat was perfectly clear and I had one of the most clear visualizations of the whole meditation. I was climbing the stone steps of a huge pyramid. As I climbed one level, I could more clearly see the unlimited number of steps that seemed to continue appearing above me. I found myself zigzagging back and forth up the steps, as is a spiritual tradition when climbing a pyramid. I felt a deep sense of awe and reverence – reminding me of the time I climbed the Pyramid of the Sun, at Teotihuacan near Mexico City, just nine months ago (the same pyramid where I felt the presence of my parents’ energy).

As I mentioned in my “Speaking My Truth” blog entry last month, the significance of the steps is that they represent our spiritual path. It was during this same meditation that my throat had constricted, telling me that I was not speaking my full truth on my spiritual path. Tonight, my experience gave me a different message: I have an incredible awe-inspiring climb ahead of me. I am ready to begin that climb.

My desert storm was an incredible and powerful thunderstorm, with lots of heavy rain, lightning, and thunder. At first I tried to find shelter to keep my hair and clothes from getting wet (as I usually do in life) – but then I surrendered with giggles and allowed myself to get soaked by the cool refreshing water from heaven – looking toward the clouds and opening my arms to the drenching waters. At the end of the storm, I was overflowing with excited energy from the experience through which I had just passed. I felt anxious to engage in my next adventure.

Chaty explained to us that the storm is symbolic of life’s obstacles. The type of storm and how we felt during and after the storm represent the type of obstacles that we face, and how we typically react to them. If the storm involves water, that symbolizes emotional obstacles. Lightning and thunder represents spiritual obstacles. Wind represents mental obstacles and blowing sand is symbolic of physical ones.

I found tonight’s meditation exercise much more enjoyable as I smiled inside and allowed my intuition and imagination to take over. I am quite pleased with the insights that came my way – although I am now wondering what the mental obstacles (mountains at the edge of my desert) may be, and just what the numbers and size of my dice might mean regarding my ego. I now have a few more items for nighttime meditation tonight.

Wow – it took me two hours to summarize my experience tonight, but I am grateful to have it all recorded – and I definitely feel as if the process has given me additional clarity and insight  … but now it is bedtime.

Thursday, July 1 – 7:10 p.m.

I had a great conversation this morning with Sandra. What an inspiration she is to me on my own path. She shared many personal experiences that literally blew me away.

I have been really enjoying my meditation experiences surrounding the 22 trump (Arcana Major) cards from the Tarot (Rider-Wait version). The symbolism ties into the Kabala Tree of Life in incredible ways, and is beginning to bring the whole Initiatic System to life for me. Today we studied the first six of those cards in more detail.

Tonight, for the second time in my life I saw colors in someone else’s aura. During the second half of evening meditation, we practiced the techniques, and I paired up with Sandra. I saw a beautiful deep purple aura completely surrounding her head. Sandra tells me that she saw portions of blue aura around me, which is right up the alley of learning to speak my truth, and focusing on my channeling/communicating chakra.

I had a couple of very interesting dreams last night, neither of which I will take the time to describe in detail here. The first was of a personal nature, and had to do with the importance of closing a chapter in a former relationship, and the second was a very vivid reminder that I need to practice my techniques to learn how to wake up while still in a dream. Right in the middle of a crazy dream where impossible things were happening, I vividly remember asking myself “am I dreaming” – yet I did not wake up – I stayed in the dream, believing what was happening must be real. At least I was a little closer to the process.

Thursday, July 2 – 6:30 p.m.

I am floating in the clouds with peaceful energy. Tonight in meditation, after our thirty minutes of silent time, Chaty guided us deeper into very slow breathing, had us connect with our inner temple, breathing into the center of our brain, and then had us do something which I literally loved.

For thirty minutes we chanted “Ohm” on our “out” breaths while picturing our inner temple on our “in” breaths. With everyone breathing on different rhythms, the melodic chant was almost continuous – energetically hypnotizing. When meditation was over, everyone in the room remained quite silent, with no one being in a hurry to leave. As I eventually walked back toward my room, I detoured to spend ten minutes in the medicinal garden, connecting with the trees, touching their bark, feeling the energy still vibrating in me, feeling the amazing sensitive energy of the trees connecting with my own.

It was, and still is, an incredibly beautiful experience.

*  *  *  *  *

The last twenty-four hours have been an interesting emotional roller coaster ride – one that I am not quite sure how to delicately address in a public journal – yet I committed that I would write about everything, speaking my truth, and I intend to document my emotional journey fully and honestly.

I have been divorced for almost fourteen years, and feel that I have been excessively honorable in providing financial support to my former wife. Throughout those years, much of my desire to be overly generous was based on guilt – deeply rooted intensely powerful guilt. I think I was subconsciously hoping to free myself from some of that guilt by making sure that my family was able to maintain their former financial lifestyle – even though the act of doing so required considerable personal sacrifice to my own life situation.

In October, 2007, as I was in the process of being laid off from my software engineering job – a job that provided incredible benefits and great financial security – I knew with all my heart that my spiritual path was taking me down a different road – a road which appeared to be quite lean as far as future financial gain is concerned.

Seven months later, after using up the last penny of my severance package, I began the process of selling my home, after which I moved in with my friend Jeanette to save money – yet through it all I have continued to send support payments. I have done so for many reasons.

The main reason is that the promptings of my heart told me to continue for the time being. But another reason – one that was high up on the list – was that I still suffered deep guilt, fear, and anxiety regarding what would happen with my family relationships if I stopped sending money across the fence – even though my children were all fully raised and out of the home.

For many years I have wrestled with this huge emotional demon, this incredible tug-of-war between guilt, fear, logic, and promptings. As I began my travels last year, this internal battle was far from resolved. I knew that I had no source of income and that I would be rapidly working through the money that I got from selling my home. I also knew that I was in no position to continue sending support payments – yet my promptings at the time told me to continue as usual – to simply trust the process.

Last month, during my Moon Course, I had several powerful experiences of a personal nature – including several vivid dreams dealing with guilt and the issue of financial support. The frequency and nature of these dreams surprised me, because the issue had hardly been on my radar for most of the past year. Through all those experiences, a series of deep “knowing” feelings began to resonate in my heart.

Each dream (along with several other experiences) dealt in some related way with the intricate nature of my guilt and the issue of continuing to send financial support. I chose to not write about most of those experiences because they were issues related with family – issues that were difficult to write about without running the risk of hurt feelings.

But my internal sense of “knowing” was quite clear as my Moon Course progressed, telling me that the time to stop support payments was rapidly approaching.

After having come to this difficult realization, I then experienced that unexpected past life regression – the one that I wrote about in my June 9 “Voice of Truth” posting – the one where I was a fisherman in Peru raising a daughter – a daughter that had the energetic presence of my former wife. You may recall that I processed through and released incredible guilt about my need to take care of that little daughter. After that experience, I had believed that my guilt over the issue of financial support was completely dissipated.

Yet I ignored signs and promptings – choosing to postpone, yet-again, awkward conversations and opting to continue support payments because it was the easy thing to do – and because it still seemed the loving thing to do.

Then I had my dream of yesterday morning – the same one that I mentioned briefly last night but chose to not discuss publicly. After that dream, I was quite sick to my stomach (with emotional fear) because I knew without any doubt that NOW was the time to initiate the communications regarding cessation of support payments.

I again avoided the issue throughout most of yesterday, hoping the promptings would go away. But last night, realizing that spirit was not going to let me run away on this one – realizing that continued spiritual progress with my Sun Course depends on me facing this fear – I finally sat down and typed out an email. I had already written the majority of the text at 12:30 a.m., just after the dream itself – text that had been, for the most part, channeled through me at that time.

Last night, as I finished editing that difficult email, reading and re-reading every word several times, I sat and stared blankly at the send button. Yes, the letter was written from a perspective of deep love – yet I was terrified to move forward – and no, I did not want to proceed with the next step. Finally, several minutes later, after holding my breath, I clicked “Send”.

Almost immediately, I panicked, feeling a wave of gut-wrenching fear and anxiety rush through my body.

I lay down on my bed, feeling the once-familiar sensations of a panic attack. As I began to feel the emotional terror surface in my physical body, I was suddenly taken back to the intense guilt emotion of last month’s past life regression as a fisherman in Peru. With my pillow over my face, I began sobbing once again – my jaw and belly shaking violently for several minutes.

After releasing the emotion, followed by a brief phone conversation with my dear friend Michelle, I immersed myself in meditation. I was finally able to return to a peaceful, loving, spiritually-centered, state – enjoying a restful night.

This afternoon, wondering if my email had even been read, I made a phone call. I left a voice message on my old home phone number, asking my former spouse to please check her email – asking her to read with love and an open heart, and to then respond.

As I hung up the phone, I again found myself returning to a state of panic. Again, I meditated to re-center myself. I once again feel spiritual grounded, yet there is no doubt in my mind that I still have more growth to face as this story unfolds.

Over the past twenty four hours, I feel as if I have begun to exercise a demon from my soul. Each time I think about the issue, that twinge of fear and panic tries to wedge itself back into my soul. Each time this happens, I meditate and peacefully escort that fear and panic back into nothingness. Even now, as I write these emotions, that fear is banging on the door of my mind, trying to push its way back inside. It is now time to do some more meditation.

I have faced deep debilitating fears with a loving heart. I have no idea of what the outcome will be, but I know without any doubts that I have done exactly what spirit prompted me to do, and I know that whatever happens will be a beautiful growth-filled experience for all involved.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved