(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)
Tuesday, June 22 – 6:50 p.m.
I moved into my new temporary home today. It is pyramid #2 – a delightful little pyramid that is about twelve feet square at the base, and perhaps eight feet tall in the exact center. I love my new home – it is clean, comfortable, dry, and it is all mine for the next three months. I was scheduled to have a different dwelling – one that wasn’t a pyramid – but right before my Moon Course ended Irma put me on a waiting list for this pyramid just in case the girl who had scheduled it did not show up. All along, I have had a very peaceful feeling that I would be right here come June 22nd – but I didn’t want to jinx it by saying anything.
In fact, I almost lost this pyramid yesterday. My new friend Sandra told me that she had also indicated to Irma that she would like this particular pyramid if her friend did not come – but Irma had never written that request down. I told Sandra that the room was rightfully hers, and we went together to talk to Irma to communicate our intent – but before we could do so, Irma told us that she had talked to Chaty, and that Chaty wants me to have pyramid #2.
Go figure … I gave it away and it was given right back to me. I would have been content no matter how things worked out – but I am thrilled to have the pyramid dwelling. My little pyramid has a window, a small table, a chair, a twin bed (low to the floor), a tiny set of shelves for clothing, and a warm feeling of home. I simply ignore the fact that my door has many open-air spaces around the edges. This new temporary home is much more air-tight than was my guest house in the Mayan village of Santa Elena.
* * * * *
Every Sun Course overlaps with the endings of three separate Moon Courses – and the last five (or six in my case) days of each Moon Course is a silent retreat. Whenever a Moon Course is in silence, the Sun Course automatically joins them. As I mentioned yesterday, this particular Sun Course is a very unique one in that we are the first ever to start on the exact day that another Moon Course is beginning their retreat. What I did not realize until yesterday, however, is that during the first such “overlapping retreat”, the Sun Course completes the exact same five day intensive meditation processes that we did at the Moon Course.
Given that I just finished this identical retreat only twenty-nine days ago, rather than start from scratch I decided to take advantage of my previous meditations – reviewing what I had written each day and then meditating on the same points.
Today, our task was to meditate on the four elements as they are connected to an area of our life: earth being equated to physical, water being equated to emotional, air being equated to mental, and fire being equated to spiritual. We were also assigned a location to perform each meditation: the earth/physical meditation would be done in the medicinal garden, the water/emotional meditation by the lake, the air/mental meditation in our rooms, and the fire/spirit meditation in the large pyramid temple.
After meditating on each element/area of our life, we were then assigned to select a single word that describes our ideal state in this area of our life.
Today, as I repeated these four meditations, and as I read through my notes from Sunday, May 23, 2010, I felt prompted to transcribe those exact older notes here in my Journal. I decided to title this little segment: Elemental Thoughts. I apologize in advance. I would have loved to turn all of these writings into a concise, well-thought-out, non-redundant blog posting. But instead, I am posting the raw ramblings of my mind.
Elemental Thoughts
Earth/Physical
(I wrote this first section in the medicinal garden at Las Piramides. I was meditating on the element earth as it relates to the physical realm – asking the question: What is my ideal for my physical body?)
I understand that this entire universe – everything physical – including my body – is just a mental projection. But even so, I believe that spiritually awakening to a full understanding of this true reality will be much easier with a body that is fit and healthy, energized and filled with vitality.
While I believe that my body is a projection of the mind – I also recognize that as long as I doubt that belief – even in the slightest – that it is somewhat OK to “mess with the movie screen” so to say – to play around with the projected image rather than the projector itself.
Deep down, however, I believe the mind is the projector, and it is the mind’s healing – not nutrition, exercise, medications, etc, – that produces the ultimate healing.
With all of the above understood, my ideal physical body (with no attachment or expectations of outcome) would be healthy, filled with energy, being strong, flexible, balanced, and toned. My organs will all function efficiently as part of the whole – skin, eyes, nose, lungs, heart, liver, kidneys, pancreas, stomach, intestines, glands, hormone levels, thyroid, pituitary, feet, knees, knuckles, elbows, shoulders, all joints, and all muscles – all working as one for the good of the whole body.
With all this said, I still believe the mind/spiritual healing is the key to bringing this balance and vigor. Energy comes from spiritual connection.
For me, flexibility is my most desired trait, along with balanced muscle strength to flow through that flexibility. As long as I doubt, nutrition will also play a role. But again, I have no attachment to any of this. I believe my body will be an adequate vehicle for my spiritual mission – whatever it may be – and that things are all for my good and growth (3rd degree burns, bladder problems, etc…) – all are manifestations of energy.
But a part of me also says: “Don’t use unhealthy denial” – I AM IN THIS WORLD TODAY. Even though it is a projection, I am here now, and physical laws apply until I transcend them to higher laws.
(After recording the above during this meditation, I selected “VITALITY” as the one word which defines my ideal physical state.)
Physical versus emotional – earth versus water
(After moving to some rocks at the edge of the lake – before beginning my water meditation – I felt prompted to write this intermediary section blending the earth/water analogies.)
The earth is very hard and strong, yet many portions are soft, sandy, and blow with the wind. Even the hard parts shift and move as water penetrates and freezes, breaking apart our bodies, just as emotional stress poisons us from within.
Likewise, flash floods of emotion (water) move physical matter in powerful ways – moving not just sand and soil, but moving rocks, logs, homes, cars, and everything in its way. Emotional outbursts can be like extremely powerful flash floods – either life-changing or life-destroying – both are the same seen only from different perspectives. Even flowing waters, steady as a wide powerful river, slowly transform the world.
Earth changes – physical changes – both with time and emotion. When sheltered from out-of-control emotions, earth remains more constant, more stable – but always shifts with the tides.
I want to change and evolve with the grace of gentle tides and peaceful-but-powerful rivers, sometimes covered with gentle snow, other times basking in spiritual sun.
Water/Emotional
(I wrote this second section while sitting on some rocks after having gone swimming in the waters of Lake Atitlan. I was meditating on the element water as it relates to the emotional realm – asking the question: What is my ideal for my emotional body?)
As I approach the water I first notice a Mayan woman washing clothes in my pristine emotional spot – my rocks by the water.
“How dare she?” I ask. “She is polluting my water – not just with soap and soil – but with her very presence in my spot.”
Soon, I repent and forgive myself for the thoughts as I instead find another spot, just as beautiful – with similar access to the gentle waters of Lake Atitlan.
As I slip into the cool waters and gently swim away from shore, I notice someone else looking for a spot to sit. I feel a twinge of defensiveness as I watch him glance down below where my cover-up swim dress, water bottle, and notebook are kept. Then ego swims away. I am not attached.
I feel the cool, almost-glassy waters flowing all around me. I realize how all-encompassing the water (emotion) is. It flows everywhere, always achieving balance, always filling in every little space below.
Yet the water knows no obstacles. It flows over, around, or through anything and everything in its path.
If I lean back and relax in gentle peaceful breath, the smooth water (emotion) supports my weight, gently rocking me like a baby.
As I sit here on the shore, watching the waters, they are now slightly rougher, more unsettled. I can only imagine that trying to gently float in these waters would be slightly less enjoyable – more rough – water in eyes and in mouth – the emotion would make it difficult to relax, to simply be.
Now as I watch two fellow “Moonies” (participants in the Moon Course) just feet away, I wonder whose space I am in. I realize that there are no “spaces” per se – we all swim in each others’ emotional spaces all the time.
The question is why do we swim in the emotions of others? We don’t need to be affected by them. If we are deeply emotionally balanced and healed, our own waters will be calm. Our influence helps to calm the waters of the lake around us. Our stability is unaffected by the winds and boats that pass through our waters. Yes, there will be waves in the lake of others, but our own waters will remain calm – calming to everything around us.
Just as with a thunderstorm, bottled up, unexpressed, unresolved emotions can literally destroy us if not dealt with.
Emotion is a constant. The rains cycle, the rivers flow, the oceans give and take with the tides – but when no obstacles are in the way of the waters (emotions), they flow gently and smoothly.
If the water (emotions) is in very high places, it flows rapidly, often crashing and tumbling toward the vast ocean waters. If the water is in low places, it becomes stagnant, gathering salts and not supporting life. It is smooth gentle water that flows most peacefully – evenly balanced – not too high – not too low.
Removing the obstacles allows the emotion to flow in and then flow out – with ease and balance.
When removed from external influence the waters return to a smooth, glassy, mirror-like surface, beautifully reflecting nature around us.
When churned up, the waters are incapable of reflecting that beauty.
Healthy, happy, peaceful emotion is that which is allowed to flow freely – to be expressed as it gently comes up, and to then flow gently onward – un-owned and un-possessed.
Emotion happens – allow it to flow through my very core – but be the impartial observer – allow it to continue on its slow journey downstream without grabbing on to it and making it my own.
In a calm, clear, spiritually connected mind, my emotions can be clear as glass – beautiful and peaceful. Boats, storms, winds, or even the rough movements of others, have no influence.
What goes up will come down … what goes down will come up … that which finds equilibrium and balance will be quiet and peaceful.
(After recording the above during this meditation, I selected “PEACEFUL” as the one word which defines my ideal emotional state.)
Air/Mental
(I wrote this third section while sitting in my room. I was meditating on the element air as it relates to the mental realm – asking the question: What is my ideal for my mental body?)
As I sit in my room, my private space so to say, I recognize that my mind is very similar.
First of all, I believe it is my own private space (mind), but it is obvious that many people have lived here before, and others will definitely live here in the future. My experience in this space is not unique, and it is not altogether private. I have the occasional visitor, and the energy of the room collects mental energy from others. I bring it in with me and I fail to cleanse it. If this room is as the earth – a mental projection – then so is what I believe my “small” and “separate” mind to be. “My separate mind” is also merely a projected illusion – it is not true – it is not who I really am. I am the observer – the awareness of the separate mind – not the thoughts themselves.
Second, this room has walls and windows and a roof – designed presumably for two purposes. One is to protect my room (mind) from the outside elements – rain (water), wind (air), smoke (air/fire), and falling avocados (earth). (Note: huge avocado trees tower above many dwellings here at the pyramids, and the avocados frequently fall with powerful force.)
In my mind – my “small” mental world – I also have erected walls, doors, windows, and roofs around what I believe to be my own private/separate thoughts. I did this for thirty years to keep family and friends from knowing about my intense gender struggles. I continue to do it today – being hesitant to fully speak my truth for fear of outside judgment. My decision to speak full truth has been made. Now all that remains is the demolition of the walls.
Windows and doors provide opportunities for mental sharing, but I often close them to be alone with myself – for privacy – but also for protection when I am tired or weak.
My room can be quite messy and disorganized, as can be my mental world – cluttered and chaotic.
My room can be neat, clean, organized, with everything in its place – just as my mind can be.
I can open my windows and let in the sunshine or fresh air – or I can close my windows and allow the air and my heart to go stale. In my mental world I can do the same – remaining stagnant, or opening my mind to new growth and ideas.
My room can be brightly lit, it can have a fan, music, carpeting, flowers, paintings, poetry, art, creation … – or – my room can be dark, stale air, with bare concrete walls and floors – having no heat, no creativity, and no growth. I choose the creative, vibrant expression of unique self – divinity within.
My room contains clothing, as does my mind – I often dress up my thinking, sometimes to beautify, sometimes to camouflage. I often dress down, feeling no desire to look pretty in a fake sort of way. I can let my true beauty speak for itself.
Rooms have closets in which to hide things – clutter, disorder, chaos, crowding – or in which to store things that have a present purpose in my life. I need so little of the cluttered chaos that used to be in my closets.
In our mind we also have closets in which I used to carry around lifetimes of “what if’s” – What if I might want this someday – What if I let go of this unused junk?
Likewise, our rooms have drawers to store things. Mine used to be filled with stuff. Now I live out of a back pack – I have everything I could possibly need or want 99% of the time. If I don’t, I can buy it and then give it away when it is no longer needed.
As above so below – my mental room needs to be clean, creative, free from all unnecessary possessions and/or clutter that serves no loving/living purpose. My mental space needs to be filled with love, with the doors and windows flung wide open for sharing – or with them momentarily closed for resting – no hoarding of thoughts, emotions, fears, grudges, or stale beliefs that no longer serve me. My room (mind) needs to be living, growing, changing, ever rising in vibration, always flowing to new while releasing the old.
My room is pure connection to the light – the divine light – growing within my ever opening awareness.
(After recording the above during this meditation, I selected “OPENNESS” as the one word which defines my ideal mental state.)
Fire/Spiritual
(I wrote this final section while sitting in front of a burning candle in the large pyramid temple. I was meditating on the element fire as it relates to the spiritual realm – asking the question: What is my ideal for my spiritual body?)
Fire transforms that which is physical, converting it into energy – brilliant, glowing, radiating, heat-filled, light – the higher energy of the physical world. It transforms wax into liquid, water/ice into steam, wood into energy, metal into liquid, etc… It changes one element into another lighter element – into air, energy, liquid, etc…, – just as spiritual alchemy changes lower vibrations into higher vibrations.
Fire purifies, sterilizes, and freely shines its light in all directions, holding nothing back for itself. Spirit does likewise.
Fire rises up toward the heavens. Spirit rises up toward the heavens.
Fire vibrates at a very high energy. Spirit too.
Fire can create or destroy, but both are the same, as what appears to be destruction is really creation of something new as well – the definition is in the eye of the beholder – all perception. The concept of destruction is 100% based on attachment to something as it is now.
Fire’s heat spreads evenly in all directions.
When fire is brightest, hottest – it is clearest and gives no smoke. When its breathing is restricted or its fuel restricted/impure – it gives off smoke. When conditions are pure, spirit shines the brightest – when conditions are restricted it does not seem to be so (in our perception). But the filter is in our own eyes, beliefs, perceptions. Spirit always shines brightly whether we perceive it or not.
Fire dances – spirit dances – ever moving.
Fire does not discriminate – neither does spirit.
Light shines on our ideals; it shines on what seems to be our physical reality. It shines on our actions that seem to be positive or negative – making no judgments, showing no prejudice. It simply shines for all to see.
(After recording the above during this meditation, I selected “ENLIGHTENMENT” as the one word which defines my ideal spiritual state.)
* * * * *
And now, back to the present …
Wednesday, June 23 – 7:20 p.m.
It has been another long day of meditations. For some reason, I have felt quite detached and flat today – not fully immersed in what I am doing. On a positive note though, I had a reasonably positive experience with the Archangel cards that we chose in meditation last night, and which we looked up this morning. It really helped me to have a better attitude after I read in the “Mystical Qabalah” that in the eyes of the author, concepts such as angels and archangels (at their true essence) are only mental projections as well – symbolically representing spiritual concepts.
Today’s lengthy meditation tasks were essentially the same as yesterday, except that the question was slightly different. We were to meditate on the question “If my ideal for X is Y, how am I doing now?”
Just as I did yesterday, I used my meditation notes from Monday, May 24, 2010 as the basis for today’s meditation. I apologize for anyone reading this – as this is quite wordy – but this is my journal and I have a strong desire to transcribe last month’s notes into my journal in order to preserve them.
With each category, we were assigned to rate our current state on a scale of 1 to 10. I have opted to not include my numbers here in my journal, because they are constantly shifting, and are actually quite impossible to capture on a subjective basis – as my goals are not very measurable in this physical realm. Instead, I rated my genuine sincerity level – which was a 7 on the physical realm, and a 10 on the others.
Following are my notes from May 24.
If my ideal for my physical body is “Vitality”, how am I doing now?
First of all, to me, vitality represents health, energy, flexibility, strength, and vigor.
If I compare myself to me at age twenty, I am nowhere near what I used to be with regards to strength and flexibility – yet in many ways, I have more energy and vigor today than I have ever had. While it is not at its prime state, I actually consider my current health to be the best it has been in fifteen years.
If I compare myself to other 55 year old women, I feel that my vitality is right up there at the top.
But – this is not about comparisons to others, or comparisons to myself in years past – this is about me, now, today – my physical body as it serves my spiritual purpose.
Just as I emphasized yesterday, I am completely unattached to how my body “should” be – that is not for me to know or to plan.
But I can do things to honor and to respect my physical temple. I can eat foods that help make me feel energized and vibrant. I can perform exercises that balance me both spiritually and physically at the same time; I can get adequate sleep to rest my physical brain.
But – above all – I embrace the belief that the best approach to physical vitality is to open and heal my spiritual mind – and then honor promptings.
That is why I am here today – a long standing realization that Yoga (flexibility/strength) and meditation (spiritual connection/insight) are both crucial to my mission.
Am I going to plan and set goals? NO – not unless my spiritual promptings tell me to do so.
Am I going to be increasingly respectful of this projected physical temple? YES, absolutely.
My goal is not a plan or a formula. My goal is to be in tune with guidance … period.
I have a strong inner feeling hat I will live a long healthy life. I trust loving guidance to show me the way on my physical journey. I will honor my body, care for my body as spirit directs … BUT I will not buy into earthly belief systems that dictate fixing the movie screen rather than the projector.
If my ideal is to have emotional “Peacefulness”, how am I doing now?
Today as I floated in the lake on my back, connecting with the balance, the waves were just ripples, gently and calmly moving me ever so slightly up and down.
As a boat buzzed by, leaving a big wake (one to two feet), I barely felt the gentle rocking of the water as I continued to float peacefully up and down – but I noted that if I had been clinging to the “safety” of the rocks at the shoreline, I would have been tossed to and fro by the waves – probably slipping, skinning a knee, bumping an elbow, or hitting my head.
The same is true of an ocean. When balanced in deep-water high rolling waves, allowing the energy to flow all around me, I simply feel a peaceful up and down gentle rocking.
But the stronger my attachments are to the shallow sandy shore – or the firm security of rocks – the more wildly the emotional waves crash around me – even possibly killing me against sharp rocks.
Having no attachments frees me to be in the middle of the sea, gently absorbing even large waves.
As far as where I am today – in my current life – with regards to achieving emotional peace – I believe I am really close.
Yes, I still get blindsided by the occasional unexpected wave that momentarily knocks me for a loop – but I know how to deal with it quickly and efficiently – turning every experience into love and growth.
Yes, I still have buried, suppressed emotions occasionally come up, but I am willing and eager to swim out into them, to let them fully engulf me as they move through me and then flow out of my life.
Yes, I feel very peaceful – well on my way toward achieving balanced, fully resolved emotions – emotions observed but not owned (for long) – and in allowing emotions to flow gently, unobstructed.
If my ideal is to have mental “Openness”, how am I doing now?
Just the fact that I am doing what I am doing now is a big high five that I am already striving for openness.
My Guatemala theme has been consistently telling me to “Forget everything you know – and – Lower your defenses.”
While I have met internal resistance many times along the way, I believe my willingness to open my mind has been stellar.
The significance of “openness” to me is: clarity, creativity, releasing stale beliefs, embracing new growth, having no attachments, being the observer, connection to divine light, and traveling lightly.
In the area of mental clarity, I am well on my way – but it is impossible to say a number between one and ten because I am always increasing in clarity while at the same time recognizing my previous lack of clarity. This is definitely a process. I am 100% committed to this lifelong process.
In the area of mental creativity, I have just begun this great adventure with my writing – both my book and my blog. This week with my paper meditation pyramids, I did them my way with no fear over what others might think. Wonderful! I have so much creativity yearning to get out – to be manifest – and I feel it has all been waiting for me to learn to have the courage to SPEAK MY TRUTH. I am now there, on the starting blocks of releasing fear of others’ opinions.
In the area of releasing stale beliefs, I am on a constant treasure hunt to discover what those beliefs are and to put them under a microscope. Yes, my willingness is enthusiastically at 100% — but my clarity and self examinations are still in process.
In the area of embracing new growth, I am right at my peak here in this retreat – willingly placing my “A Course In Miracles” teachings on the sidelines (but not abandoning their truth) while tiptoeing into the realm of the Kabala, Tarot, Astrology, Numerology, Kyballian, Alchemy, and The Emerald Tablet.
I am also eagerly embracing my practice of lucid dreams and astral travel.
In the area of no attachments, this is an exciting safari. I have already let go of so much in my life – and the freedom is amazing – but I continue to identify smaller attachments as they surface.
In the area of being the observer, I am getting ever more skillful at the process of removing me from the attachment, stepping back, and just watching my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
In the area of connection to divine light, I recognize many incredible connections in the past. I also know that I must have a continual weak connection (mostly), because when I lose that connection I feel devastated, as if I lost internet connection to my soul. I do recognize, however, that my connection could be much stronger. I started out on a “dial-up modem”, am now on a very slow “DSL line” – but would love to develop speeds and bandwidth of a high-speed broadband or trunk line.
In the area of traveling lightly, I have proven that I can do this physically, and I am increasingly doing it both emotionally and spiritually, removing unneeded beliefs, perceptions, baggage, etc…, increasingly letting go of unwanted baggage in my imaginary backpack as well.
With regard to my spiritual ideal of being “Enlightened”, how am I doing now?
As I stare at my quiet candle flame, I observe it gently drift with the forces of invisible air currents – the heat/glow of the flame leaning off to one side.
Do mental/spiritual winds blow my spiritual candle slightly off to one side? What does it take to burn pure, straight, reaching directly toward the heavens from a balanced and centered state – with no distractions, no deviations?
To me, spiritual enlightenment signifies transcendence, transformation to higher vibrations, spiritual alchemy, purification, awakening, divine perception, and dancing energy – among other things.
In the area of transcendence, I am not quite sure exactly what I mean. I believe it means to rise above, to overcome, and to vanquish obstacles in a path toward greater spiritual connectedness and attunement. I believe I have transcended countless obstacles in my spiritual path to date. I am learning to love unconditionally one person and one experience at a time. I am learning to release attachments, one belonging (or belief) at a time. I am feeling so free in my journey – a journey that felt as if it began in the face of incredibly daunting odds – odds that felt as if they were insurmountable, stacked against me.
But here I am, today, right here, right now – still mortal, still learning, still growing – but I am so deeply empowered, energized, courageous, and unattached that I cannot be held back.
In the area of transformation to higher energy vibrations, I am doing this one emotion at a time, one belief at a time, one step at a time – and the transformations have been beautiful, amazing, indescribable, filled with abundant pure love and grace. I am so deeply grateful for the transformation in my life – at so many levels and dimensions.
In the case of spiritual alchemy, I see this as transforming heavy emotions, fears, doubts, judgments – transforming them all into the gold of Unconditional Love. While I recognize I am on a path that continues to climb higher and higher into the clouds, my progress is genuine, sincere, and amazing. I could never say where I am in the climb – I only know that I feel like an infant leaving the crib while at the same time I am enjoying beautiful vistas from the highest mountain tops. I will never stop climbing.
In the case of purification, I can only say “ditto” to previous comments. I cannot fathom my goal – but the journey is genuine, pure, and beautiful.
In the case of awakening, I am so much more awake than I have ever been – yet I wonder – how does one measure how asleep they still are? It is a genuine, beautiful journey.
In the case of divine perceptions, my journey for years has been all about shifting perceptions from fear to love – learning to see the world as my personal projection. I am light-years ahead of where I was even six years ago – but who is to say what distance remains?
In the case of dancing energy, it is the dancing that I wish to emphasize – this journey to enlightenment is a joyful, energizing, playful, revitalizing, unforgettable dance with the infinite. I am learning to let Spirit lead while I try to learn the steps and surrender to His lead. I am sometimes two left feet, tripping over my own good intentions.
But amazingly, I feel as if I am finally learning how to dance, how to flow with grace and ease – and joy – from one complicated step to the next …
And the music is beautiful.
* * * * *
It has been a long day today. It took me just over an hour to transcribe today’s notes from my Moon course of nearly a month ago. As I finish the task, I no longer feel flat – I feel re-energized – ready go back out onto the dance floor – ready to dance another dance with life. I love how meditative writing always reenergizes me.
Thursday, June 24 – 7:15 p.m.
I started out today feeling flat and tired, yet again. I have felt as if I were going through the motions of doing what I am supposed to be doing during these five days of silence – but this morning my heart was running in neutral. Nevertheless, I jump-started myself and pushed forward.
As with the previous two days, today we again meditated on the same general areas, in the same locations, but our question was “If my ideal for X is Y, what do I need to do to get there?” Again, I used meditation notes from Tuesday, May 25, and I would like to share portions of those notes here.
If my ideal for my physical body is “Vitality”, what do I need to do to achieve it?
I believe vitality comes from a healthy and nourished spiritual connection to the infinite Mind. Vitality is merely a projection of the mind.
Nevertheless, I will follow promptings, as given, to care for this physical temple with love. Currently I feel prompted to learn and to begin a consistent yoga practice – mainly for flexibility and breathing with an added side effect of strength. I also engage in hiking, biking, backpacking, and swimming – as prompted.
I will make NO ego based plans here to fix the movie screen. I will fix the projector. I stand firm here in my promptings.
My physical world wants me to focus on presence – smelling leaves and flowers, touching plants, trees, and rocks, feeling their texture and energy, tasting the savors of foods and liquids, seeing the intricate beauty of everything around me, listening to the sounds that echo through the trees.
Presence is the key to vitality.
Forgiveness, non-attachment, and non-judgment are the keys to vitality.
Love is the key to vitality.
Divine Dancing is the key to vitality.
In other words, emotional, mental, and spiritual ideals are the keys to physical ideals – as the physical is only a projection.
If my ideal emotional state is “Peaceful”, what do I need to do to achieve peace?
For the most part I have already approximated a state of peace. I am very aware of past history, however, and recognize that many situations, especially those involving relationships, have stabbed my peace in the heart.
Each time, however, I have remained true to my wisdom and have fully resolved my emotional tantrum by looking within, taking ownership of my emotions, beliefs, and judgments – shifting them into love and forgiveness of my own projections.
In order to remain in my emotional ideal of peace, I need to be constantly vigilant of internal judgments and feelings – continuing to genuinely do “The Work” (of Byron Katie), always turning everything around with “me as the projector”.
I have no doubts that emotions will continue to surface in my life, but I also have no doubts that I will deal with each and every one – bringing full healing with gratitude for the opportunity to further heal.
If my ideal mental state is “Openness”, what do I need to do to achieve it?
I believe the most critical element here is to continue learning to have no attachments, releasing stale beliefs and possessions, replacing them with new ideas, new growth, new learning, and new creativity.
Attachments keep me stuck in the past, keeping me from having space for anything now.
Not owning feelings, emotions, and situations is also critical – allowing them to flow in, and to then flow out, without personally possessing them.
This step is so integrally tied into my spiritual path that I have a difficult time separating out physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual – only spiritual is real – the others are all projections.
If my ideal is to have spiritual “Enlightenment”, what do I need to do?
This is the key question – the only question that makes sense for today.
All day today I have felt “off”. I have maintained peace and a positive attitude as the observer – but I have felt slightly unsettled in the process, slightly feeling the urge to judge, slightly disconnected – but still observing.
Even remaining in observing mode, however, I have felt the ego emotions trying to sap my strength, my resolve. It is time to reconnect with fire, with the light, with spirit, and with me.
What do I need to do?
I need to uncover every unresolved emotion, good or bad, and bring it to the light.
I need to examine every belief and bring it to the light.
I need to identify every judgment and reflect it in a mirror, bringing it to the light.
I need to lose myself, my ego identity.
I need to draw closer to divine energy through yoga and meditation.
I need to listen to my Spiritual Guides at 3:00 a.m..
I need to learn to astral travel … why? I don’t know.
I need to release attachments – but only ALL of them.
I need to smile more, and to play more.
I need to forget everything I know.
I need to lower my defenses.
And now, back to the present once again …
* * * * *
Tonight, during our 5:00 p.m. meditation I began in the same manner as I have done throughout the previous three nights – struggling to focus – struggling to quiet my racing mind – feeling disconnected from the light – feeling meditatively challenged – feeling as if I were spinning my wheels and wasting my time.
But my intent and desires were pure. As I continued ignoring the constant stream of pestering thoughts, I suddenly found myself activated in a deeper state of consciousness – a state that once reached I found quite familiar. In this heavily relaxed state, I felt as if my left-brain was mostly quiet, and I was floating peacefully in my more intuitive side.
With today being day three of our retreat, the second half of meditation was focused on oracle cards – with tonight’s cards representing a set of seven different spiritual gifts. Four separate decks of the same seven cards were shuffled and spread out – one deck at each corner of the small pyramid in the center of the larger pyramid temple. With each of us taking turns, we would be drawing one card from each deck – one for “physical”, one for “emotional”, one for “mental”, and one for “spiritual”.
During my last retreat, on Tuesday May 25, I had felt a strong prompting that the “Channeling” card would come up. I have long felt very strong intuition that channeling is a gift that I need to develop and incorporate more fully into my life.
To my disappointment, on that long-ago Tuesday evening, channeling did not come up once in any of my four categories. But as I look back on that particular evening, I also remember having been slightly frustrated and spiritually disconnected. It was the very next morning that I had gone up on the hillside to reconnect with spirit in my own way.
Tonight, as we began our oracle card selections, I was feeling deeply spiritually connected. When I took my turn at the middle of the room, I was quite pleased when the first card that I selected for the physical realm was the spiritual gift of “channeling”. I then moved on to the next deck, representing the emotional realm. To my surprise, after following deep intuitions, I again drew the same “channeling” card. As I moved on to the third deck, representing the mental realm, I was shocked when after carefully connecting with my feelings, I again randomly selected the “channeling” card.
As I approached the fourth deck, representing the spiritual realm, I was eerily wondering if the “channeling” card would come up four times in a row, but in this fourth deck I selected the “healing” card.
My mathematical/statistical skills are quite rusty, but if memory serves me, the odds of randomly selecting three “channeling” cards in a row would be about 1 chance out of 343 (7 x 7 x 7) possible choices. I could only giggle as I contemplated that the Universe was confirming to me that yes, “Channeling” is an important part of my future. I also find it quite comforting to recognize the importance of being spiritually/meditatively connected when following intuition.
I don’t necessarily see tonight’s oracle card session as anything other than a fun message from spirit. No matter what cards I had drawn, I would still have known that “channeling” is an important part of my path – but in some special way, tonight’s experience had a way of energizing my resolve to immerse myself more fully in the Sun Course retreat – to lower my defenses – to forget everything I know – and to believe in the possibilities.
Friday, June 25 – 7:00 p.m.
Over the past few days, I have started to collect extremely itchy bug bites again – on my hips, belly, back, under my left ear, right elbow, etc. I haven’t decided yet what I will do with my special collection, other than scratch and itch – plus practice self-control.
I’m definitely not following the letter of the law when it comes to silence during these past four days. Strictly speaking, I’m not supposed to speak at all. In a more comprehensive spirit of the law interpretation, I am not supposed to communicate with others in any way – I am supposed to be with me and myself, period. This also includes not listening to music and not reading books for distraction, etc…
I believe that I am mostly following the spirit of the law – but I am finding it necessary to talk occasionally – ever so briefly – during my lunch meals. I am eating in various restaurants that do not know that I am in silence. It is pretty awkward to order food without communicating with the waitress. I could try writing notes, but I see absolutely no difference between writing a note and simply speaking the words – both are simple forms of communication – I feel that both are the same in the eyes of spirit. So yes, I am silent ninety-nine percent of the time, but I am not being obsessive about rules.
I rather like the silence. In the past year, I have had many a day when I was by myself and I hardly spoke to another living soul. It is a great way to go deeper – to connect with spirit – to connect with my soul. One problem, however, is that I am taking things too seriously and forgetting to smile again. I constantly find myself needing to remind myself to lighten up, smile a big smile, and to fill my heart with peaceful and joyful feelings of unconditional love.
Today, our meditation assignments were once again quite similar, but our questions for the day dealt with the obstacles that prevent us from reaching our ideals. As I have been doing all week, I found my notes from last month quite appropriate, and rather than making new ones, I have simply meditated on the old ones. Again, I feel a desire to record these old notes in my journal.
What is it that stops me from progressing toward my physical ideal of “Vitality”?
Sleep battles – unexplainable resistance to getting up on mornings when I have no commitments to others.
Beliefs about the dream/illusory nature of this physical world – believing it is a mental projection, and that the source of my vitality is in the mental/spiritual realms. Is this unhealthy denial?
Exercise for me has never been fun by myself (except for hiking), and I resist the commitment of time and money toward a gymnasium.
Other priorities, often of a spiritual nature, call for my time and focus.
Resistance/laziness – sometimes I just prefer downtime.
What is it that stops me from progressing toward my emotional ideal of “Peacefulness”?
Judgment and projection – it is still so easy to begin to blame someone else for how I’m feeling.
Attachment to the way something “ought” to be, “should” be, or “shouldn’t” be. This is probably the number one item that comes up in my present journey as I come across such a wide variety of behaviors and cultures.
Beliefs from long ago that no longer serve me, that grab me, holding me stuck in the past. “I see only the past” (from A Course In Miracles).
Confusion – “I am never upset for the reason I think.” (from A Course In Miracles).
But one thing is sure. I am 100% committed and growing one stumble at a time.
What is it that stops me from progressing toward my mental ideal of “Openness”?
Comfort zone / status quo – It feels very comfortable to live in the known and to ignore ideas that are new and different.
Thinking I know something keeps me from looking at other alternatives.
Shyness keeps me from exploring some people and/or cultural options.
Living in the past – if I have an old prompting, it is easy to think or believe that it still applies to today also – and I stop asking for new guidance.
Failure to ask for new guidance.
Lack of curiosity about new ideas and things.
Jumping to conclusions based on appearance – before connecting.
Judgment (my own) shuts me down in an instant.
Lack of centeredness keeps me spiritual closed down.
What is it that stops me from progressing toward my spiritual ideal of “Enlightenment”?
It is a process through which I am passing as rapidly as my inner guidance carries me. My intent is genuine and pure, but I know I could maybe do more …
Fear of being enlightened and what that might subsequently change in my life.
Doubts about my abilities and worthiness.
Separation thoughts – ego still lives in me, wanting a separate identity.
Judgmental reactions – ever so smaller, but just as impeding and potent.
Experiences – it is not more head knowledge that I need – it is more personal experiences with the divine.
Time – I can only progress at the rate that promptings are given to me.
Lack of constant focus.
I am too serious.
I cannot plan enlightenment. The only way to get there is to surrender personal identity and allow spirit to guide and flow through me in every instant.
Tiredness / laziness / discouragement could all be seen as obstacles, but they are really just manifestations of feeling disconnected from the light.
The only real obstacle is being disconnected from the light.
Sunday, June 27 – 9:15 a.m.
The retreat officially ended last night in a beautiful ceremony in the main pyramid temple. There were over thirty of us, all dressed in white, crowded into the temple. Eight of us who are just beginning the Sun course were seated around the center circle of the pyramid, while graduating members of the present Moon course, previous Sun Course members, and staff were all spread around the outside circle of the room.
I find it hard to believe that this week has gone so quickly. Today is a free day – no yoga, and tonight’s meditation is just for the new Moon Course that begins today.
Much of yesterday was spent in dealing with my growing problem with alien bug invaders. As of yesterday morning, I had almost fifty horribly itching bites spread around various parts of my body. I finally approached Irma in the office and wrote her a note about my bites while showing her some of the worst ones on my right arm and legs.
Within ten minutes my mattress was outside on the lawn, being sprayed with bug spray. As I went back an hour later to smell the mattress, I realized that the unpleasant scent would still be quite strong, even by evening – so I boldly asked Irma (via a note) if it would be possible to swap mattresses with a different and currently empty room. She resisted at first, but finally gave in to my request.
Early yesterday afternoon, I researched bed bugs at the internet café. I believe that is what has been biting me. Using my blow dryer on its highest settings, I carefully applied extreme heat to the wooden bed frame in my room, hotly cooking all of the cracks and crevasses, hoping to kill any eggs that might be hiding there.
But now I have a different intuition which is telling me the problem was not my mattress or bed frame at all.
Mid-way through the Moon Course, I had been cold at night and had taken a second blanket from a stash of unused blankets in the building where I was staying. For several days, I noticed that I was beginning to get new bug bites. At that time, I had an intuitive feeling to get rid of my second (newly acquired) blanket, and as soon as I did so, my bites had ceased.
Yesterday, Irma and Maria took away my old bedding, including a white and fluffy – but worn out – flimsy cotton quilt. Memory and intuition now tell me that this is the same batting-filled quilt that I had used for a few days during the Moon Course when I was beginning to get bitten. I think the bed bugs could be living and laying their eggs in that quilt.
I have to giggle at how silly this sounds, but last night before going to bed I inventoried every one of my bites, circling each with an blue pen. There were 49 in total.
Then, I slept with only a sheet and a sweatshirt. I was cool by the wee hours of the morning, but I survived the temperatures. To my delight, as I re-inventoried my body this morning, I did not have a single additional bite. Yippee!!! Alien bug problem temporarily solved.
During yesterday’s final daytime meditations, we meditated on four questions about “light”. As usual, I focused my meditation on my previously-written words. As I close out my journal entries regarding these first five days of silence (which are now over), I would like to include these notes that I wrote last month.
We had four questions on which to meditate, but I combined the first two into a single set of meditation notes.
Where is the light? … and … How is the light manifest?
The light is the essence of everything. It is in our bodies, being the pure energy essence of our consciousness. It is in our blood, our nerves, and our cells – in everything.
The light flows freely, completely, through all plant life. It is the very essence that brings life to the plants.
The light is the energy vibration that flows through all matter – rocks, crystals, metals, water, and fire. The entire earth is a manifestation of projected light. The entire universe and everything in it are created by different frequencies of vibrating light.
The light is in our mind, our thoughts. It is the very essence of awareness – of being.
Light flows through what appears to be empty space. Unless manifest, it is invisible to the human eye. The manifestation occurs when light reflects and/or bounces off slower moving energy – which is also light.
Light manifests as joy, unconditional love, pure penetrating peace. Light is ever present, never absent. Even when we do not see it or feel it, light is ever here – now.
Light is the essence of life, of consciousness. Light is my divine connection to my source. Light is my source. I am light. I am my source. Light is. I am.
Light is all there is. I am all there is. Light flows through all dimensions. It needs no permission, no approval. It is all penetrating, ever present, ever flowing – joyfully, peacefully, and lovingly.
Light manifests as heat. Light manifests as colors. Light manifests as joyful emotion, intense peace, powerful connectedness, undeniable well-being.
Even though light is always present, if it is unrecognized by us, we feel separate, agitated, competitive, jealous, fearful, grieving, sadness, anxiousness. Recognized light brings Universal oneness, unconditional love, unconditional joy and connectedness. Judgment is impossible in the presence of recognized light, as is fear, hate, etc… Forgiveness is impossible in the presence of recognized light, because we recognize that there is nothing to be judged.
Light manifests as vibrating energy, and also in waves. Both penetrate absolutely everything.
Light manifests as the tiniest filament of a spider web – or as the largest granite mountain, as the tiniest organism, or as the blue whale.
Light is recognized or ignored, but light simply IS – always.
Light is flowers, light is thorns.
Light is the Dali Lama – light is Adolf Hitler.
Light is a waterfall – light is an earthquake.
Light is a snowflake – light is mud.
Light is a thick strawberry shake – light is arsenic poison.
Light is a unicorn – light is a dragon.
Light is understood – light is misunderstood.
Light is fireworks – light is a mortar shell.
Light is both extremes of everything – light is NOT dualistic.
Light is beauty – light is ugliness – both are the same.
When do I feel disconnected from the light?
- When I begin to judge others as separate from myself – judging them as either better or worse than myself.
- When I enter a state of spiritual arrogance.
- When I am tired, anxious, or stressed.
- When I try to make a decision without first seeking spiritual guidance.
- When someone I love is arguing or yelling.
- When I allow fear to enter my awareness.
- When I reflect on the opinions of others (regarding me).
- When I worry about “roles” in life, and what family may think of me if I do not fulfill those “roles”.
- When I neglect my spiritual centering, meditating, writing.
- When my body is sick or achy or wobbly.
- When I live in the past or in the future.
- When feeling perfectionistic or competitive (with attachment).
- When in social situations where I feel inadequate.
- When I am resisting a clear prompting.
- When I am being bitten by mosquitoes, spiders, ants, etc…
- When I am attached to something.
- When I think I know something.
- When following the rules to the letter of the law.
What can I do to reconnect with the light?
- Spiritual “mountain time”
- Sing inspiring songs
- Repeat my mission statement with purpose
- Listen to music
- Talk with a spiritual friend
- Meditate
- Write in my journal or my blog
- Do “the work” of Byron Katie
- Process emotions
- Follow a prompting with blind faith
- Record and interpret dreams
- Center myself in the moment
- Attend a retreat or participate in a spiritual service
- Get a third degree burn in the Yucatan jungles
- Live in a Mayan village
- Receive Reiki, massage, cranial sacral, or acupuncture
- Yoga
- Journey (workshop)
- Travel alone or with spiritual friends
- Watch an inspiring movie
- Read a great book
- Hold a newborn baby
- Cuddle a kitten or a puppy
- Hug a tree
- Send love to others in my thoughts
- Lose myself in unconditionally loving service
- Meditate on gratitude for wonderful blessings
- Eat something absolutely scrumptious and delicious
- Sit in the warm sun
- Soak in a hot tub
- Look at something beautiful
- Find beauty in everything
- Play with my grandchildren
- Hear birds singing
- Watch animals play
- Take photographs
- Release all attachments
- Forget everything I know
- Lower my defenses
- Remember to laugh
- Break free of the rules
- Remember A Course In Miracles workbook lessons: I am never upset for the reason I think; Would you rather be right or happy? I see only the past; I do not know what this is for.
And now back to the present again …
* * * * *
As I finish up this first week at the Sun Course, I am invigorated and excited to dive into the experiences which begin tomorrow. As of last night, I still have not officially met everyone in the Sun Course, because we have not been able to speak or to socialize with each other. After our ceremonies last night were complete, I had the opportunity to briefly get to know a few of my fellow course-mates, and I look forward to getting to know them all very well.
In those conversations my soul was re-energized, my heart re-ignited. I am committed to approach the next three months with a joyful attitude of non-attachment. I will be fully willing and committed to the experience without expecting any particular outcome.
Tomorrow morning, right after 7:00 a.m. Yoga, we have our first official class with Chaty.
To infinity and beyond …
Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved
