(Note, this is part six of what will likely be at least seven parts. In this writing, I share my experiences from the second half of my third and final ayahuasca workshop at the “Temple of the Way of Light”. At least one more part will follow …)
It has been an intense six days of profound healing. Yet I am only halfway through this third and final ayahuasca healing workshop here at the “Temple of the Way of Light”. In the last four days I have been in ceremony every night, eaten very little food, and enjoyed only scattered naps. In the next five days I have four more nighttime ceremonies. It seems like an insane marathon – but one I remain eager to complete.
It is Monday afternoon, March 24, 2014. After a desperately needed two hour nap, I walk down to the maloca to set up my space for the ceremony tonight, my fifth in five nights. Once my stuff is laid out, I lie on my mat, hoping that maybe I can sleep a little more before the ceremony starts. But my body will not fully relax.
At 8:15 p.m., I ask for another full small cup. Based on my experience last night, I wonder if perhaps a small cup is all I need now. Last night was extremely intense and powerful.
As I meditate and place my intentions into the cup before drinking, I ask for lots of emotional release, growth, insights, and heart openings – while also asking the energies and Madre Ayahuasca to give me what I need rather than what I think I want.
Determined to change my rejecting experience while drinking, I then visualize my energy reactions as a powerful “opening energy” rather than as a “rejection energy”. As I hold my breath and gulp the medicine down, I am delighted that for the first time in more than a month, the ayahuasca goes down without a convulsive reaction.
Starting To Get It
Intuitions have been whispering all day that tonight is a “focus on love and joy” night. As I wait for the medicine to consume my body, I immediately begin to focus on my breathing while meditating into my heart. The ayahuasca comes on quickly, and I seem to be journeying for a long time before Francisco begins the first icaros around 9:00 p.m..
Repeatedly, during this first ninety minutes, I begin to feel nausea and other emotions. I often think that perhaps I need to vomit, but when I focus on surrender, the sensations relax. Intuitions tell me that most of this is just something “out there” that I am feeling.
Whenever I begin to feel nausea or other emotions, I question my intuitions, and the answer keeps coming back that the primary energies that I am feeling are not even mine. When I focus on being in my own heart space, the emotions move on and fade.
“I am learning to be in this energy without drowning in it,” I quietly smile in my heart. “I am finally starting to ‘get it’.”
Remembering my empath trainings with Keith in Guatemala, I often visualize a point about a meter in front of me. I then express my intent that any energies that come my way will stop at that point and turn, going either up or down, directly to their highest evolvement, not passing through me in any way unless that is in my highest good.
Energetic Massage
The journey is quite strong and visual, but nothing like my experience a few days ago with marosa. I am surprised when 9:30 p.m. comes and goes, and the maestros are still not singing. I trust that everything happens for a reason.
Soon, I note that my dizziness is fading and the effects of the medicine seem to be wearing off. Intuitions repeatedly tell me that all is perfect.
When the singing finally starts, the icaros take me back deeply into the journey. At one point I even get visual glimpses of the energetic patterns in my body – and see a hole in those patterns being repaired.
Soon, as Maricela sits in front of me to sing a personal icaro, I am amazed by the sensations in my belly. It literally feels as if my insides are moving and twisting, as if someone were massaging my inner organs from the inside out. The movement makes me quite queasy at first, nearly triggering a vomiting reflex.
But no, it is not a need to vomit. I soon find that the energy movements are very healing. Don’t get me wrong, they are intense and extremely uncomfortable – kind of like my entire abdomen is being rearranged – but intuitions tell me it is profoundly powerful, and I sit through it with loving courage.
Heart Balance And Trust
I have been lying down in ceremonies lately, finding that I can journey more deeply with my body being more relaxed. But tonight, as Maricela moves on, I feel guided to sit up for most of the evening.
It is a very visual evening, but I am not able to retain any of the images in conscious memory. None of them seem particularly important, and I trust that if they were, I would remember them.
Several times, as I wait for Francisco to work his way around the room, I think I might need to vomit, but NO, each time that I stop to question if the emotion is even mine, the sensations fade.
I am especially dizzy tonight. One time, while returning from the bathroom, I start to get lost. But after a few seconds I am able to get my bearings. On one occasion, however, my facilitator meets me at the door and helps me back to my mat. I am grateful.
The most profound part about tonight, however, is that I manage to remain in a powerful and confident heart space for most of the evening. I am having a lot of fun and see the entire experience as an empath training ground, helping me find balance and trust in my energetic perceptions.
Angry Energetic Interruptions
In the latter part of the ceremony, when Francisco sits in front of me, I am fully unprepared for what happens next.
As he sings a beautiful icaro to me, I feel another round of intense energy activity in my belly. It is strange and intense. Suddenly, on the far side of the room, I hear someone start to make horrid noises, as if they are fighting dark energies while attempting to purge.
“Demons?” I question, as intuitions whisper that something extremely energetically intense is about to happen.
Soon, the sounds get louder, becoming increasingly more disruptive – and all of this takes place right in the middle of my beautiful energetic experience with Francisco singing to me.
Suddenly, the young man across the room gets extremely angry, screaming loudly, several times, with raging profanity. I sense his intense battle with whatever inner or external energies he is confronting. I also sense that rather than surrendering, he is fighting and pushing – as if engaging in a battle using anger rather than healing with love.
All of this happens at the height of a profound and magical healing moment (for me) as Francisco continues to sing to me. Bless his heart, he remains totally focused on me. But the disruption is difficult to ignore. It reminds me of a profound incident on Keith’s porch, nearly two years ago, when I was going through similar magical moments, and when Paul suddenly went on an extreme demanding outburst, demanding that Keith give him attention, now!
I remain very proud of myself as I simply observe and feel, not judging anything that takes place. Yes, I am extremely curious about what is happening, but remain focused on my own journey, not letting the external events phase me in any way.
Pronounced Energy Sensitivities
As Francisco moves on to sing to the next person, I overhear sounds of muffled chatter as my facilitator works with this young man, helping him calm down and work through whatever is happening. I trust that whatever is going on is for the highest good of everyone in the room. And I remain somewhat puzzled as to why this incident took place during my process.
I start to pay close attention to the energies of others. I sense that many of the young women in the room are feeling deeply traumatized by what just happened. I literally feel their emotional reactions. As a confirmation, I hear a few muffled sobs coming from several nearby women. The loud yelling that just took place literally reminded me of an out-of-control abusive man, and I can easily see how it could trigger repressed emotion.
Finally, I overhear whispers as Francisco works personally with the young man who had the agonizing outburst. I trust that all is well, even as I continue to hear a young woman to my right whimpering and crying. I still feel her trauma.
The experience is very powerful for me – another experiential playground of my own energy sensitivities – and a beautiful experience to show me that I can easily remain transparent and emotionally unattached, even in the height of such an experience.
An Empty Hole
Finally, after about a half hour of silence, the ceremony closes. Still strongly feeling the effects of the medicine, I quickly pack up my belongings and head for my room. I desperately want the comfort and isolation of my own personal space. I am surprised when I check the clock in my room. It is nearly 1:00 a.m. when I arrive. It was a very long ceremony.
As I rest in bed, I continue my journey, returning to my breath focus while meditating more deeply into my heart. A tiny bit of fear soon knocks on my door, telling me that I am vulnerable and all alone. But I lovingly go forward through the fear. After all, it is simply “fear of fear”.
While meditating, I take note of what feels like a painful, energetic hole, situated between my belly button and my sternum. It has made its presence known several times, both in the last workshop and in this one. Back in 2011, this entire area was extremely hard and painful. Now, those manifestations have mostly healed and the tissue is soft. But I am puzzled by this obvious “energetic hole” that I feel – like an empty void of agony – one that I haven’t yet been able to purge out or fill with love.
Loving Highest Good
Remembering my confused “demon” feelings during the angry rage-filled outburst earlier tonight, and paying attention to intuitions about something I read earlier today in “Ancient Secrets of the Flower of Life” by Drunvalo Melchizedek, I feel guided to try something. In one section of the book he talks about working with Archangel Michael to help release energetic demons in a way that serves the highest good for all energies involved.
I suddenly see this deep empty hole in my belly as being an energetic entity, some type of conscious pain-body energy that is lost and stuck in my body. I even wonder if it is related to the psychic surgeries that were unknowingly used to help disable my heart connections when I was very young.
“I love you,” I speak to the painful energy. “But our relationship no longer serves either of us. I do not want to destroy you. I know that, for your own path, you need to return to your own world or source.”
“I am inviting Archangel Michael to join us,” I continue. “If you can trust me, I want you to come out into my left hand in front of me, and when we are both ready, I will release you to Michael, who will gently take you home.”
Putrid Parting, Magical Release
I quickly sense a putrid, agonizing energy that leaves my belly and fills my hands. When the process feels complete, I hold my hands in the air and imagine giving the energy to Archangel Michael. Suddenly, with tingles vibrating in my hands, I feel my whole body relax in stillness – a form of blissful absence of head and muscle chatter. Wow, very powerful!
Over the course of the next forty-five minutes, more layers of “whatever this is” continue to surface. Each time, I repeat the same process. During the second and third iterations of this journey, I feel huge amounts of horrible emotions leaving my belly and filling my widely-stretched hands. I feel the depth of this putrid pain as it sits outside of me, just before I pass it on to higher dimensions for release.
My left leg begins to twitch with jerks every five to fifteen seconds. I don’t know what the energetic roots of this twitching are, but I feel it is quite significant. I surrender to the process, trusting Madre Ayahuasca, and also marosa (because I still feel its effects), to act in my highest good.
Somewhere, later in this process, I roll over, cuddle my little bear and doll, and fall asleep, sleeping quite soundly until after 7:00 a.m. – at which point I wake up still feeling a great deal of energy shifting and moving in my body. I quickly ask for light and love, and ask pushed-out-parts-of-me to fill all of the empty spaces that are now free after the magical release processes of last night.
Pre-Ceremony Bonding
Tuesday morning, day eight of this magical workshop, I continue resting in bed until just after 8:00 a.m. – feeling delighted to have gotten so much rest and made so much progress with what was such a painful energy in my belly.
After breakfast, I spend the morning meditating. After lunch, I go quite early to set up my mattress in the maloca, after which I participate in receiving a brief massage given by the maestros, right in the maloca. At around 4:15 p.m., as I return to occupy my mattress, the maestros are still there. To my delight, Maricela comes over and begins to chat, soon joined by Francisco. We visit until nearly 5:00 p.m., in what is a magical encounter – one in which I have the opportunity to deeply bond with this beautiful couple in a more personal way.
During this fun conversation, I ask Francisco about my experiences when drinking marosa. He strongly reassures me that I had real visions – that I was not sleeping or dreaming. He tells me that this type of vision is common with marosa.
After resting for a while, I do not even have the strength to try participating in the pre-ceremony yoga. Instead, I just lie there, focusing on my breath, breathing energy, and attempting to choose joy over sleep. I remind myself that “sleepy” is also just an energy.
Purging Protocol
As I drink the medicine shortly after 8:00 p.m., I again drink only a small cup. As is the pattern, I again struggle with the energies of deep rejection as I contemplate and later consume the ayahuasca medicine.
“Why am I drinking this horrible stuff?” I ponder in disgust.
“This is why,” I smile about twenty minutes later, as I start to feel the magical effects. The energy is very nice tonight. I can tell that it is going to be a magical journey – and the visuals are flowing quite clearly.
All night long, I repeatedly remind myself that emotion is just energy – often only impersonal energy that I feel as it flows through me. Often, I have feelings of nausea, but I never vomit. Instead, I ask myself, “Is this even mine?” Most of the time, the answer is a clear “no”.
In these cases, I ask the energy to keep moving, and I refocus on being in my own heart space, querying myself as to why I am still bringing these emotional energies inside of me. Intuitions whisper that I continue to do this because I am tired and distracted, and have dropped my focus on love.
Sometimes, intuitions tell me that the nausea IS mine. When I step out to the bathroom with the intention to maybe vomit, I am delighted when each time the nausea simply vanishes with a “south pole purge”.
I get the clear intuitive message that, at least for now, the nausea is a signal to me that my body wants something “out of me” – but that the method of the purge does not necessarily need to be vomiting. I love this insight.
Ongoing Insights
I also discover tonight that each time that I start “thinking” about inner work that my visuals and journeying usually reduce, fade, or even disappear. Then, when I relax my jaw and body, and instead focus on energy, breath, and feelings, I begin to go deeper yet again.
“I need to keep meditating into my heart,” intuitions whisper. “The mental analysis does not solve anything.”
When Maricela sits in front of me to sing an icaro, I note that the spot in my belly, the area between the sternum and belly button, is again beginning to ache intensely. Rather than resent or resist the pain, I see it as a necessary healing discomfort – one that I need to feel on the way to better things. I compare it to many of the painful procedures and surgeries through which I had to pass during my gender transitions. Each was not fun, but served a beautiful higher purpose in the long run.
Increasingly, I am attempting to stay out of the head analysis, and tonight, as is usual, I do not receive many mental insights to accompany the events taking place.
However, with another intense repeat of overwhelming energies churning and massaging my belly from the inside out, I absolutely know that something profound is taking place on other levels.
At one point, I feel something working extensively on my heart – shifting, upgrading, and clearing. I don’t know exactly what the energies are doing, but whispers of insight tell me that it is opening and clearing. At times, I also experience pleasurable and joyful energy flows.
Mish Mash Wrapup
Most of the evening tonight is a mish-mash of similar experiences, especially in the belly region. But things are also quite energetically active in the back of my heart and shoulders. All night long I feel energetic pressure in my forehead and third-eye regions. I don’t know what any of this is about, but I do know it is progress in some way, and that any pain I feel is related to my ongoing resistance to surrendering fully.
Eventually, Francisco sings a beautiful icaro to me. I really feel it. As before, when he is done, he sucks a lot of energy out of my head. Then, when I ask him to “soplar mi pipa” (blow on my pipe), he sings a second icaro, this one to my pipe. This second icaro has a very different tone and quality. Most of the words are in the “Shipibo” language, but I hear the Spanish word “medicina” repeated frequently. I thank Francisco when he eventually finishes and moves on.
I am surprised by another night of no vomiting. I did make several trips to the bathroom, and almost couldn’t find my way back on one occasion, but nausea never consumed me in an overwhelming way.
When the ceremony closes around 12:30 a.m., I pack up my belongings and return to my tambo. I had debated staying in the maloca to practice feeling the energies of others, but I really want to be in my own private space – and the mosquitoes in the maloca are much more intense than they were in previous workshops.
When I arrive in my room, I intend to meditate into the energies that continue to churn and pulse in my body. But guidance tells me to instead just try to get some sleep, reassuring me that the work can continue without my conscious participation. Sometime after 1:00 a.m., I actually do fall asleep. I love how I am finally able to sleep a little after ceremonies.
Resting, Relaxing, And Readying
At last, Wednesday, day nine of the workshop, provides me with a full day of rest.
Just after waking, while again unexpectedly watching vivid visuals, that same familiar humming/tone sound again visits me. It is the exact same tone that accompanied my visuals during my marosa visions just a few days ago. And I still smell that very familiar scent too. I love these external confirmations that marosa, my plant dieta, is still working with me.
The trinity is over and our last two ceremonies do not start until tomorrow. As I write in my journal, I note that my focus is sketchy, and my writing is quite sloppy. The energies are continuing to work with me.
As I get dressed, I again note that my belt is loose, and punch yet another hole. I have now lost a full six inches off of my waist.
Nearby, perhaps fifty yards away, construction of a new housing tambo is now in full swing. It has been going on for nearly two weeks. The external structure is now nearly complete. It is obvious that I will get to deal with this construction noise for the remainder of my time here at the temple, but to my delight, the racket barely bothers me. I am easily able to tune it out while meditating or reading in my room.
I enjoy socializing at lunch time, but spend most of the day today resting and sleeping in my tambo. I need to get strength before getting ready to face my final two ayahuasca ceremonies here at the Temple.
Body Awareness
On Thursday morning, March 27, 2014, I wake up early in beautiful energy tingles, and enjoy a very nice meditation while resting in bed. The energies just become more magical all the time, frequently increasing in both scope and intensity.
As I meditate, I feel guided to play with the muscles in my neck and head. Intuitions whisper that I need to start massaging these muscles to help further open the energy flow in my upper chakras. I also feel guided to do some painful arm and hand stretching. It is quite obvious that the pains I experience are new layers of emotional densities coming up and on their way out.
At breakfast, I decide to spend the next two days in a more strict silence, with no talking to anyone at all (except to the maestros). I have been in “mostly” silence for a week, but at this point, I feel a need to completely go inside.
Self-Inquiry Insights
During a self-inquiry class at 10:00 a.m., I silently isolate and write all of my answers in my journal. It turns out to be a deep session of insight and exploration. Following is the full journal conversation. Please bear with me, as this is my journal, for my integration.
Question 1: Regarding an issue you are working with right now, where do you want to find greater healing?
Answer 1: My primary issue is “living in my heart” with focus, doing so in every possible moment. I have been increasingly doing this for some time now. Today, I am trying to make it automatic in every moment. I find that it requires great dedicated focus. My silence is helping, but I still need to keep my heart empowered with actual vibration, keeping my “heart intent” wide open, and front and center.
I find that the only thing in my life that matters now is finding this place as continuously as possible. When here, I am transparent to emotional density and projection. When not here, it is like I am a different person. Self-love seems to be the only thing that matters now – self-love that projects everywhere as joy and peace – seeing that “loved Self” in every face that I encounter. Today I had a lot of fun constantly seeing everything as a personal stage play, with every actor playing a mirror role for me – one showing me my reactions to my self. Today, it is working! This is amazing insight!
Wow, after sitting here in a straight-back beautiful meditation, my body is flowing intense energetic heat. Drops of sweat are flowing everywhere, and the energy is from within.
Living in the heart IS the answer to being balanced and strong in my energy sensitivities. I had it all backward in the past, when stuck in God Drama. I wanted God to apologize and make things right before I would do my part. Now I understand that it is all up to me. It is like this entire lifetime is my “mystery school” – my personal journey through the left and right eye of Horus – my personal holodeck times ten. Everyone here is just a part of me … my projections to help me.
Question 2: What tools do you have to help you move through this issue / challenge?
Answer 2: Wow, I have been blessed with everything – with assistance in clearing my deepest issues, with incredible intuitive guidance when I need it, with a huge arsenal of experience with cacao and Keith. And I have all the profound growth, healing, and inner insights / awareness – the processing brilliance to help me. I have a profoundly developed left brain, a gifted ability to clearly express complicated issues in clear and simple ways, and a huge heart filled with love and courage – all in spite of the seeming insurmountable obstacles that I have designed for myself. I have been given everything I need, and I know that anything I need in the future WILL come exactly when I need it. I know I am in a Higher Dimensional reality, where everything manifests instantly.
Question 3: What are you learning from this process?
Answer 3: I am learning who I am, and that this earth is all an elaborate, joyful experience – a fantastic novel with its exciting and painful plot twists, its heroic quests, its magical unfolding. It is already written, with a perfect ending. All is perfect. Pain does not require suffering. It is just resistance to a beautiful unfolding story.
Question 4: Imagining or day dreaming, imagine how you will feel in your body when you move through this issue:
Answer 4: I will have constant, divine self-knowing – joy, peace, trust, and relaxed. I will embrace magical energies, find joy in sharing my magic via writing and helping others. But I need DO nothing to achieve enlightenment, other than to live in the joy of my heart.
From Panic To Gratitude
After this beautiful self-inquiry experience, I do the usual flower baths and lunch, after which I spend the rest of the afternoon meditating in my room. At 4:45 p.m., I nearly panic when I discover that my journal is missing. All of my notes from the entire retreat have vanished. Trying to remain trusting and balanced, I search everywhere that I have been, doing so several times, breaking silence to ask everyone I see if they have seen my notebook.
Finally, I meditatively retrace my every step, remembering detailed situations where I did and did not have my journal with me. To my delight, I remember that Kati, a beautiful housekeeper, had changed my sheets today, and had pulled the bed a little out from the wall. With deep gratitude, I look behind the bed and find my precious notes hiding on the floor.
What Stands In My Way
At just after 5:00 p.m., I carry my belongings down to the maloca to prepare for the evening ceremony. I am delighted to have the strength to participate in most of the pre-ceremony yoga, but choose to “do my own thing” when the poses gets to intense. In those times, I do my own hip opening stretches. I am not sure if this stretching is what triggers me for later, or not.
Continuing the trend of my last three ceremonies, I opt to only drink a small cup of ayahuasca tonight. With the marosa still in my system, the small cup has been plenty to give me a beautiful journey. Tonight, I am wondering if that will still be the case.
Before drinking, I express a silent intention, asking for help with living in my heart, but also asking the energies to give me what I need, if that is something different. Another intention that I express is that I want the medicine to show me what stands in my way, so that I can work on it.
After drinking, I feel very little for the first hour. Still, at 9:30 p.m., I feel almost nothing, other than just mild energy sensations. I remain in a state of trust.
A Confusing Unfocused Evening
Eventually the medicine takes effect, and tonight becomes another energy playground. I feel nausea four or five times every hour, and nearly every time, intuitions tell me that what I feel is not mine.
“Move along to your higher evolvement,” I tell these energies as I feel them.
I am mostly in a very nice heart space during the early parts of the ceremony, yet I feel extremely exhausted and weak. I find it very difficult to concentrate or maintain focus on anything.
Finally, just before 10:00 p.m., Maricela sings an icaro to me. My experience is mild and gentle, but I remain so weak that I can barely function.
An hour later, as Francisco sings to me, I remain in a similar state. I feel like perhaps I need more ayahuasca tonight, but I am just too exhausted to even consider drinking more. I am happy to just ride out the experience with a potentially uneventful evening.
I continue to trust, wondering if this might be another of those journeys where the medicine suddenly comes on strong at midnight. I ponder that perhaps I might be self-sabotaging. But I just don’t have the strength to care. And my body continues to tense up, more and more over time.
In Ursula’s Cave
Near the end of the ceremony, still not feeling physical strength to do much of anything, I begin to imagine my inner children screaming out this building body tension. Suddenly, I am overwhelmed by about five minutes of intense tears.
“This exhaustion is self-sabotage,” I tell myself. “There is no reason for it.”
But no matter how hard I try, I simply cannot concentrate or focus, and I am too weak to even try.
Suddenly, I am gifted with a tiny visual image. I see sets of tiny white eyes. Accompanying this image is an intuitive flash that takes me to the “Little Mermaid” movie, and especially to Ursula’s cave.
“Those are the eyes of the imprisoned, now-worm-like mermaids in Ursula’s cave,” Intuitions strongly confirm.
“Is an Ursula-like energy or demon keeping me captive?” I ponder with deep curiosity.
Immediately, I focus on that same demon / pain-body energy removal technique that I had done earlier in the workshop, but I keep drifting and am unable to focus. I am drained, distracted, distracted, and more distracted.
Allowing And Surrendering
I suddenly get the message that the Ursula metaphor is showing me exactly what I earlier asked for – showing me what is standing in my way of further growth – what is causing me to stop in my tracks, to give up, and to sink into quiet despair.
I continue to try to breathe love, yet my focus remains extremely weak.
As the ceremony closes, I quickly pack up and return to my room. I am unable to relax and still very distracted. I realize that this is nothing new. It is a lifelong pattern – one that is extremely exaggerated tonight – but a very familiar pattern that runs to the core.
I clearly recognize that everything I am feeling right now is just energy and emotion, and I make every effort not to attach or identify with it, while simultaneously allowing it to flow through me unimpeded. I know that when I feel it, that it IS moving.
So, rather than judging my dysfunction and inability to do anything productive, I send love to myself. The experience is not fun, but I know it is healing.
Finally, as has been a recent pattern, I actually fall asleep around 2:00 a.m., and manage to get about four hours of nice rest.
Magical Vibrations
After waking up on Friday morning, I use my first ninety minutes to meditate and catch up in my journal. There is a huge amount of energetic activity working on the back side of my heart. It feels as if I am in one of those cheap massage beds that vibrate and shake – but only at the back of my heart area.
As I stretch my body, I begin to feel the same vibrating energies at the back of my belly. Things are definitely moving and opening inside. I love it.
Given my state of exhaustion, I take it easy again today, mostly resting at every opportunity.
I literally smell and sweat ayahuasca. The stench is strong and overwhelming. A bucket shower does not take it away, and the slightest sweat is as if someone poured ayahuasca on my skin.
I am also again reminded of the very real mosquito issue in the area when I hear about how one of the maestras in a different center has contracted malaria. Still, I put such worries aside and fill myself with trust, knowing that I am fine as long as I remain in my heart, following inner guidance.
Ongoing Noise Triggers
At around 5:30 p.m., I head down to the maloca to prepare for my final ayahuasca ceremony here at the Temple. Just before the pre-ceremony yoga begins, a young man near me begins to talk very loudly in a way that I feel is quite inappropriate for such a sacred ceremonial space. But I am too tired to care, and just allow the trigger to pass through me.
“This is not my issue,” I remind myself. “I will let someone else deal with it if it bothers them.”
Finally, the yoga teacher calms the chatter and begins to lead us. Almost immediately, extremely loud noises echo above from the dining hall as several of the young men in the integration group laugh loudly and boisterously. Again, my triggers activate.
“Not letting yourself get distracted by outside things …,” the yoga teacher speaks as she starts to pull us back to the breath.
I realize that, for me, noise is still an ongoing trigger with a lot of agonizing energy behind it.
Still observing myself, I go inside, engaging in deep self-inquiry.
“What is it about noise … about this kind of noise … that angers me so?” I ponder.
Wild Stallions
As I meditate, I realize that the noise that is bothering me is “happy … boisterous … exuberant … loud … out-of-control laughter … and excitement.” These are the exact same things for which I have been slammed and punished throughout my life. My conditioning has put me into a box of being an annoying “reverence robot” – and any noise that seems irreverent and excessively happy triggers deep reactions in me.
I have been repeatedly scolded and reprimanded for such noisy outbursts, being told to stop yelling, when I was simply feeling happy and excited.
I took all of the external criticism and subconsciously found the least common denominator – the safe point where no one could complain about my behavior. The only problem is that practically nothing is allowed in this “acceptable” place. I have lived here most of my life, so when others do the boisterous things that got me in trouble, all the triggers cut loose. “How dare they do what I cannot do?” I begin to judge.
I soon ponder my metaphor of the “wild stallion” – how each of us comes into this life wild and free, but before long we are broken, saddled, and turned into work horses and even sheep.
“What would happen if I let my wild stallion come out to play?” I ponder.
A Free Spirit … Not
Ouch, I immediately cower in panic. I don’t even know who my “wild stallion” is. As I try to imagine being free to laugh loudly – to run and jump without self-judgment – I experience terror. I am shocked to recognize just how “un free” I still am – by how my behavior is still locked in that prison cell of lowest-common-denominator public opinion.
In addition to the stark terror that I suddenly feel at the thought of being free, confusion, anger, and chaos also quickly overwhelm me. I realize that, as a child, and throughout my life, I was confused because I couldn’t please everyone. No matter what I would do, I was wrong and not good enough in someone’s eyes. I kept shrinking into the shadows until I barely existed, choosing instead to live in a recipe world of rules and formulas to keep me safe from judgment.
But no … I got into trouble from peers for trying to follow the rules. The adults liked me, but this only caused more problems in the social arena.
“I don’t have a clue what being a free spirit even means,” I ponder in fear.
As the yoga continues, I crumple onto my mat in a pile of confused emotional mush. I want to burst into sobs as my private meditation continually takes me deeper. But I do not want to disturb the ongoing yoga class, and I am embarrassed by the intense emotion.
Going Deep And Deeper
At 8:15 p.m., I drink a full small cup of ayahuasca. I had considering doubling my dose based on my weak journey last night – but based on my present state of mind, I keep the dose small.
Within seconds of the lights going out, I begin to access the deep reservoir of agonizing emotion that has been bubbling just beneath the surface for more than an hour. I hardly have time to take a deep breath before the sobs quietly consume me. Trying to keep the noise to a minimum, most of the release comes out in the form of jaw and teeth shaking, with the occasional dry heaving and coughing. But I grab my purge bucket just in case those heaves are not quite so dry.
After a while, I grab little Bobby-bear and Brenda-doll, clutching them to my heart, struggling not to get lost in this strong layer of overwhelming emotion. This is extremely deep and agonizing. Here and there, as I struggle to find light and love, I occasionally manage a tiny bit of silent laughter, but the laughing only takes me deeper into the sobs. Several times, I begin to feel as if I might be done, only to have another deep layer of emotion surface just a minute or two later.
It must be at least a half hour before the tears really fade, at which time I feel clear and lighter. I then repeatedly remind myself that this is all old energy, old beliefs, old conditioning and patterns.
Finding Willingness
The medicine has not even taken effect yet. All of this processing is during the first half hour of the ceremony. I begin to get some mild energetic feelings, but nothing like those middle three ceremonies of the trinity, just a few days ago.
I have no strong intuitions, but what is perfectly clear to me is that I am deeply working on a profound fear of expressing my heart.
Before the ceremony, my intent was, “Please show me how to get back to my “Wild Stallion.” Help me to sense, see, and feel who I really am.”
This fear, terror, panic, anger, and confusion are all things that demand that I not express my true heart. And I clearly know that if I feel unsafe to express my heart, that it will surely not open. I would be too leery of judgment and criticism.
The lesson is profound.
“But I don’t know how to heal this!” I begin to tell myself in whining victim mode.
“Yes, I do!” I counter. “I will not sabotage my process with smallness and denial. I DO know how. I need to feel this emotion to the core. And I need to bring in light, love, and joy. I need to be willing to be different and unique – willing to give up my dysfunctional payoffs – willing to embrace that wild stallion, that brilliant divine being inside of me.”
Dizzy Woozy And Weak
With these magical insights, I attempt to go deeper into the emotion. But I am extremely weak, continuing the pattern of very low energy from the last couple of ceremonies. I am drained from lack of sleep, from dieting, fasting, no exercise, weight loss, and no salt/electrolytes in my system.
I simply cannot go deeper. My heart feels completely shut down.
Finally, the icaros begin and I am starting to feel the effects of the ayahuasca. I remember almost nothing from the ceremony. I know that I quietly whimper a great deal of the time. I am at the end of my limits. After Francisco sings to me, I feel a tiny bit stronger and more stable, but really cannot do much.
I am dizzy, woozy, and weak when Maricela eventually sings to me. As the ceremony closes just before 12:30 a.m., I feel like an utter failure, as if I have accomplished nothing productive all night long.
I quickly return to my room, attempting to meditate further, but instead I fall asleep. I need rest.
Humbling Meditation
As I meditate on Saturday morning, March 29, 2014 (the final day of this workshop), I feel deeply humbled by my experience from last night. It was shattering to ego. I am shocked to realize just how much cultural conditioning continues to haunt me.
But I also clearly realize how none of that matters when I am in my heart space. I am literally bouncing between two opposite worlds of contrast.
As I write in my journal, I remember that the reason why I was quietly whimpering through much of the night is that I was feeling intense nervous tension, overwhelming stuck-ness and confusion, and was so unable to relax that I wanted to climb out of my skin. Finally, I had surrendered to that unbearable discomfort, letting myself feel that agony, causing deep emotional release … thus leading to the misery and whimpering. I knew that by allowing the emotion, that the emotional toxins were on their way out.
Oh, and as I further meditate, I begin to feel a great deal of magical energy movement again flowing around the backside of my lower three chakras. I know that good things are indeed happening.
Lost My Voice
“Wow,” I ponder. “These last two ceremonies really fit well together … the intense body tension … and the message that I am trapped in a spell by Ursula, the sea witch.”
“My conditioning is keeping me trapped in this tension, keeping me unable to express my heart,” I continue with the metaphors.
But it is not until after breakfast, during a 10:00 a.m. group share that the pieces really fit. As I describe my experiences of the last two ceremonies, I am raw and vulnerable, partially crying through most of my words. In fact, I am so emotional that it is a struggle to even form the words. These last two days have been an extremely difficult journey.
Near the end of my sharing, I discuss my confusing insights about the little mermaid metaphor from ceremony number six.
At lunch, an extremely intuitive friend from my group approaches me and startles me by what she says.
“Brenda,” she tells me, “from the moment you mentioned The Little Mermaid, I leaned over to my neighbor and whispered “Ursula”, even before you mentioned the visual of the black background with the tiny eyes.”
“Just two nights ago,” my friend continues sharing, “I felt your energy and literally saw you in that Little Mermaid / Ursula scene. I felt your tears and pain, and I visually saw you as Ariel, having lost her voice to Ursula.”
“Wow,” I ponder with surprise. “What an incredible fill-in-the-blank to my unfolding puzzle of the last two nights.”
A New Puzzle Piece
Ever since I first watched “The Little Mermaid”, I have deeply identified with Ariel in so many ways … but this is the first time it has ever been so clear. My heart does not have a voice. At a very young age, Like Ariel, I literally gave up that voice so that I could fit into the human world. And now, as I attempt to once again return to the magic of who I am, finding and using that voice is terrifying, and feels quite impossible.
The setup is so perfect. These last two ceremonies have clearly given me the clues to the next piece of my puzzle.
I did have a beautiful heart voice as a child, but very quickly, the sea witch of brutal conditioning (all in the name of conformity and fitting in) took that voice from me.
“It is time to take back my voice,” I tell myself. “I can do this!”
Triton And Ursula
Just before lunch, I consume a full dose of ceremonial grade cacao. Within twenty minutes I am sobbing … sobbing … dry heaving … sobbing … coughing … laughing … crying … and more sobbing.
As I play with Bobby-bear and Brenda-doll, I manage a few giggles as we playfully discuss how, “we actually WERE aliens from Pleiades who didn’t fit into this earthly world of humans.”
I then begin to ponder another angle to this metaphor. During the group share this morning, I had also mentioned my intense fear of returning to the “Love Space” improv comedy group. I told the group that I would rather swim naked in a freezing lake filled with hungry crocodiles. Several friends had then attempted to get me to commit to participating with them in the next “Love Space”. In fear, I had told them “no, I am not able to commit yet … I am not sure I can do that.”
“Wow,” I ponder this reaction. “I really did grow up under the thumb of the King Triton, the mermaid king. I was forcefully forbidden (by my conditioning) to embrace the frivolous world of imagination and magic of that higher world above the sea.”
“My mother and father were loving, well meaning versions of Triton and Ursula,” I continue with new insight, “taking me away from my heart voice, from my femininity, and from the world of magic – doing so for ‘my own good’. To me, it felt evil, and instilled panic at the thought of ever going against their authority. I have always felt intense hopelessness around the topic of ever again finding my true voice, and of finding the wonder and innocence of the world above.”
Holy Smelly Body Batman
I continue the meditations all afternoon. There is so much deep processing and release. As the emotions settle and move into the realm of joy, deep ideas for a future book begin to flow, and excitement begins to build that maybe I will be ready to start writing it very soon.
I begin to feel quite hopeful as new energy flows through my body and gratitude consumes me for the difficult journey on which I have traveled.
But having just completed eight nighttime ceremonies in nine days, I remain physically and emotionally drained … in desperate need of rest and sleep.
But instead of sleep, I enjoy delightful social conversations at dinner, followed by a beautiful late evening of sitting around a campfire, singing, laughing and visiting with many new friends. I am pleasantly shocked by how profoundly social I feel right now. I love everyone here, and feel no social inhibitions at all.
Finally, around 10:30 p.m., I wander back to my room to prepare for bed.
“Holy Smelly Body, Batman,” I giggle to myself. “I reek with the odor of ayahuasca.”
Be Gentle And Compassionate
Sunday proves to be a much-needed relaxing day. It is the first day of our break between the workshop and the upcoming integration period. Many have left for good, and others have gone to Iquitos to run errands and/or get away from the jungle. Of those of us that are left, almost all are women. I enjoy delightful social time with a few of them as we share healing stories and journeys with each other.
I even take Bobby-bear and Brenda-doll to lunch with me so they can meet my new friends.
As I later ponder the subject of “finding my voice”, part of me wants to just push forward like a bull in a china closet. My heart tells me, “whoa, slow down, take this one baby step at a time, being gentle and compassionate with yourself.” I choose to follow my heart.
It is a very hot and humid day, so much so that even when I go to bed early, I cannot sleep, especially as the late night noise from an Iquitos night club echos through the jungle from more than ten miles away.
Lost In Inner Rants
Monday, the last day of March, 2014, proves to be a much more emotionally intense day. I feel drained and need to isolate. I realize I have taken in a great deal of outside emotion and I need to go inside to work with it.
When a friend mentions that she is tired of talking about emotional stuff, and that she just wants to have normal conversations, I realize that I am exactly the opposite. Everyday normal conversations are what drain my energy. I yearn for deep, personal, emotionally genuine and real conversation about topics that really resonate with my heart.
I soon immerse myself into a deep and arduous meditation as I realize how some everyday conversational topics trigger me so deeply, especially in the new age community. There are so many who confuse spirituality with things like food, nutrition, natural medicine versus the medical system, forms of exercise, eating meat, and countless save-the-planet causes, most of which come from a “something is terribly wrong” viewpoint.
I resonate with the Mother Theresa approach, regarding her statement that she would not march in an anti-war rally, but that if you hosted an event to promote peace, she would be there. I have no desire to be “against” anything that is deemed by others to be bad.
To me spirituality has nothing to do with any of the above topics. I see everything as energy, and I see the entire world around me as my personal creation or co-creation. I truly believe that the only way to really impact the world in any lasting, meaningful way is for me to heal ME and MY energy, period. I am fully in favor of loving causes intended to serve and help others, but only as long as the motive behind the service is not “to fix something that is broken” or to “stop those bad people from doing this or that”.
To make a long story very short, I spend the whole day getting lost in inner rants about the deep triggers I feel regarding many “new age circus” things that bother me, most of which are triggered when people try to push their strong belief systems on me as being the only way to be a good and spiritual person.
Insight-Filled Realizations
It takes all day to come to the realization that all of this is related to me “not having a voice”. Throughout my life, I have allowed the well-intentioned opinions of others to dominate and control me. Now, that I am beginning to walk out of that prison of public opinion, I occasionally find myself feeling profoundly triggered and defensive when others attempt to force their viewpoints onto me.
This realization brings great insight. I simply need to live in my own heart space, trusting the truth that flows through my heart from my own personal connection to source. There is no need to defend or debate anything with anyone.
And even deeper in the core, I realize that this is all about how I DID know certain truths as a child, but was made wrong by those adults who took the power from me. The deep triggers that I now feel come when I feel as if others are again trying to make me wrong. Even in many spiritual communities, the voice of my heart is not exactly popular. I know that if I speak my truth, there are many who will be indignantly horrified.
As I look back in time, I realize that one reason I isolated so much while in Guatemala is that I was surrounded by people with strong differing opinions in the new-age / healing realms, and I was intimidated by the dilemma of not knowing how to live my truth without ruffling their feathers. I wanted to fit in and belong, but did not know how to be comfortable in my own skin with my own voice still intact and glowing.
Transcending Consensus Views
After a long and difficult day of triggers and meditation, I sit down and begin to read in Rasha’s book, “Oneness”. I find paragraph one of chapter two to be profoundly perfect for what I am feeling. This is the last sentence on page 23:
“You have come to this experience you know as your life in order to be able to reject, completely, the consensus view of reality imprinted upon you since birth, and to replace that structure of understanding with a perspective that totally transcends it.”
Wow, my heart feels totally alive and validated as these words vibrate and resonate with giggles. And I know that my lifelong struggle with this subject stems from the fact that I literally had no voice of my own. I was totally lost in the consensus view of reality as taught to me by parents, religion, and culture.
As I further read in chapter two, the whole chapter comes alive. I love being reminded that the journey I am on is a “solo journey”, one that is unique to me and is accomplished only with a personal connection with source.
Churning Rawness
Tuesday, the first day of April and the third day of our interim break, I continue to feel the emotions of yesterday’s deep journeying. I am back in “mostly silence”, and choose to mostly isolate during times that I am around others.
I have managed to return to a stable emotional state, but there is still a great deal of churning rawness inside me. In an effort to get away, I take a solo hike out into the jungle, walking past the tiny nearby village of “Tres Unidos” and exploring an isolated jungle trail that eventually takes me to a tiny cemetery with dirt mounds and wooden crosses. The people here live such basic lives.
I use the isolation to freely sing songs without fear of disturbing others, to feel the jungle breeze brushing against my skin, and to reconnect with my soul.
Later, as I read further in “Oneness”, I find great love for chapter five, which reminds me in profound ways why I am doing what I am doing – why it is necessary to go into and to feel all of these old emotions, while at the same time finding understanding and compassion for myself and others. The whole chapter is perfect.
As I go into meditation, I am taken back to those two recent incidents where I had emotional confrontations with my facilitator. I realize that I have repressed some of the emotions, and they are still gnawing on me. It suddenly occurs to me that both incidents are examples of where “my voice was rejected” – where I could easily have lost and surrendered my heart voice.
But, as I further reflect, I am quite proud of myself. I clearly realize that these situations were very different. I did not walk away feeling dejected. Instead, I maintained my inner heart confidence. I simply chose not to engage in what would have become unnecessary conflict. A smile forms on my face as I recognize this fact. But I also realize I still need to go inside and feel the emotions that never got felt.
An Ignored Lantern Voice
Wednesday, April 2, 2014 is the forth and final day of our break. It too becomes a day of deep inner exploration, filled with another layer of insights about “not having a voice.”
First, with tears in my eyes, I engage in a deep conversation with a friend at breakfast. It begins as a conversation about “some people see this place as a bubble, with the real world being out there – but I literally see this, right here as the real world, and every trigger that I need is right here, in my face, if I pay attention.”
“All of the things that want to squash my voice are right here, active and well, still drowning me out,” I then share as I proceed to talk about my crazy triggers with the lanterns that are still not being put in front of my building.
“I don’t care anymore,” I tell my friend. “I’m just going to let the lanterns be exactly as they are, and if I don’t have a night light on my porch, I will just deal with it.”
I begin to apologize for complaining and then suddenly catch myself with an “aha”. It is only as I make this statement that I realize that even this silly trigger is another profound example of “me not having a voice”. I have been trying to get someone to listen to me and fix the problem for several weeks, but no one can hear me. It is as if I don’t exist and/or don’t matter.
“My voice has been ignored in similar ways for most of my life,” I ponder with clarity. “I often see a simple and obvious truth that could really help things be better – but for whatever reason, I manifest a reality where no one else seems to care or to even acknowledge that there is a problem.”
Wow, this is profound insight into a life of painful manifestation. And I know that nothing will change until I do.
Attachments To Being Heard
After this conversation (one that ends up being beautiful and bonding), I spend the day reading. I am still on my special dieta, and will be until April 13. I continue to feel physically weak from no salt and considerable weight lost. My waist has stabilized at six-inches smaller, but I know I continue to drop a few pounds here and there. In the afternoon I make another trip to the local village to get another coconut. The electrolytes in the coconut water are my only source of some of the minerals I need.
While feeling low energy and still slightly-low emotions, I stand in front of a mirror and stare into my eyes. I love the smiling, glowing eyes that I see staring back at me. I am so proud of the magical vibrational work that I am doing as I allow these old stagnant emotional energies the freedom to move. And I also love the gleaned insights from the book “Oneness” by Rasha. I am so glad I brought it with me.
At dinner, I sit with the same friend with whom I talked this morning. We have a beautiful talk, one that could have gone on for hours if the bugs in the dining hall were not biting so ferociously.
As we talk till about 6:45 p.m., I realize that I finally feel complete with this intense emotional layer that has been flowing for several days. I know that I have barely scratched the surface in understanding several of the ways that I still “have no voice” – but I consider this to be huge progress, and am almost giggling as I realize that nearly all of the triggers that still affect me are directly related to me feeing “voiceless” and “powerless”.
“I’m back,” I scribble in my journal when I catch up my notes at 7:00 p.m., “And it is NOT really about losing my voice – it is more about having had strong attachments to a need for someone to hear my voice. I have refused to use my voice because I was afraid of not being heard in a positive way. Finding my voice is really an inside job that does not require anyone else’s cooperation.”
“Wow,” that last thought is powerful.
The Stage Is Set
As I prepare for bed, I am excited by the fact that, for the first time in four days, I am again feeling magical and tingling energy movements in my chest and neck regions.
These four days of “break” have been intense but insight-filled. Tomorrow I begin the official twelve-day integration period that will consume my final days here at the “Temple of the Way of Light”.
The last two ayahuasca ceremonies, and these most recent five days, have made the upcoming tasks quite clear. The stage is set and it seems obvious that “finding my wild stallion voice” is the next main step in undoing the lifetime of conditioning that continues to hold me hostage in a mental prison cell.
I have no idea how these next two weeks will play out, but I am very excited to follow the unfolding clues to find out – and thrilled that I still have my plant dieta of “marosa” to energetically nudge me along in the process.
Inner giggles tell me that I am so very close to more amazing energetic breakthroughs, and I am eager to dive right in.
… To be continued …
Copyright © 2014 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved
