Brenda's Bicycles

Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “Ducklings, Swans, Mice, And Monkeys.”

A beautiful energy fills my heart as I meditate on Monday morning. The last week or two have been intense. I have repeatedly dived down into numerous overwhelming layers of Pandora’s Box emotions. I love the respite that I am receiving, and recognize that after having released all that frightening emotion, that I feel magically different on the inside. My head and other areas of my body feel clear, and joyful sensations feel more normal.

But it is a short respite on this first Monday of May. When I arrive on Keith’s porch to set up for the afternoon workgroup ceremony, two beautiful friends are sitting in the middle of the porch, their eyes are closed and their personal belongings are scattered everywhere. It is obvious that Keith has just finished a private ceremony with them, and I do not want to disturb their meditative peace.

As I sit and twiddle my thumbs, waiting for an opportunity to rearrange things for the ceremony, I begin to stew in stories. I have only had one private session with Keith this year, in early December. In that session, Keith made it quite clear that he was being guided not to help me much at this level. Because of this, I have not even tried to schedule another – mostly because I know I am doing quite well on my own, but also because the storyteller in me feels abandoned and ignored, knowing that if I asked for a private session, I would likely be turned away, being told there is no reason to have one.

Inner stories rant and rave how Keith has made it clear that he does not have time to do private sessions, but that he is still doing them for certain people, when his guidance tells him to do so. My negative ego finds ample evidence to remind me just how blatantly abandoned and ignored I have been. The sad part is that, right now, I am starting to get lost in this dysfunctional belief. Deep emotional pain has been triggered.

A Perfect Setup

As the ceremony finally begins, I close my eyes and go inside, pondering my clear understanding that I am dealing with more God-drama abandonment issues. The observer in me is fully aware that this is another level of what I did yesterday, that I am simply dealing with another aspect of rational mind insanity.

And just like yesterday, a couple of people of people on the porch today are extremely distracting, asking lots of mental questions. It seems like the perfect repeat setup – one that is enhanced when I sense that Keith is intentionally delaying by spending time down in the garden while many of the early distractions are taking place.

Finally, at 2:15 p.m. Keith returns to the porch, sits in his chair, and says, “OK, let’s begin.” As the porch goes silent, I am drowning in God-drama projections. But as I have been doing recently, I realize that today I will not push these emotions down. I need to go into this judgment and anger; I need to feel this abandonment and jealousy emotion to the core.

I cannot help but giggle in frustration as Keith immediately begins to facilitate deep and beautiful work with the two friends who had just finished a private session. It is the perfect trigger to further push my “I am being ignored” button.

Pandora’s Box

Rather than dive headfirst into the emotion, I first follow intuitive hunches. I attempt to observe my two friends (the ones with whom Keith is currently working) as a part of me, as leading actors in my personal holodeck. I imagine that their healing journey is my healing journey. This helps a little, especially when I expand this image to include everyone on the porch. But even with this divine perspective, I am still feeling intense emotions.

Then, memory pulls me back to yesterday – into a realization that my joy is buried underneath huge layers of confusion, abandonment, shock, fear, panic, terror, anger, judgment, resentment, and betrayal – all of it as a result of being a magical swan child born into a duck world where everything was upside down and backwards. In that confusing reality, I had no choice but to give up being a swan, feeling hopeless. It was a choice of trying to be that duck, or withering and dying.

“All of this emotion is locked away in a Pandora’s Box,” I ponder. “My joy and spontaneity are stashed in the bottom of the box … safe, but covered with the slime of the stuff that I must feel before it can be transmuted.”

Hoping to find an easier way to work with this emotion, I grab Bobby and Sharon’s hands (my inner children) and together, we all walk down into my subconscious mind to find the box. As I do this, repeated distractions try to block me. But I do it anyway, faking it till I make it, imagining that I find the box, and that it is slightly opening. As I meditatively stand by the box, panic surges in my body.

Terrifying Territory

I know I need to go into this box, at least a tiny bit, but inner terror tells me that if I even touch the box that I WILL get lost in it. My experiences of the last week have been huge in helping me to recognize the danger, and in giving me the confidence that if done with caution, that I can work with such frightening emotional densities. I double my inner resolve, determined not to get lost, approaching this process with full awareness that what I am facing is core emotion filled with razor sharp hooks.

After dipping my metaphorical toes into the box several times, feeling intense fear each time, I gently back away and instead focus on the joy – on self-love and compassion for where I am and for why I put this stuff in my Pandora’s Box in the first place. I feel deep gratitude for my journey, and for the fact that I am learning something from every step.

Meanwhile, as I watch Catherine venture down into a journey of intense stuckness and fear, bumping into the core of her own painful issues, I feel happy that she is also making progress, but I am then shocked by how much resentment I feel. I want to love, but cannot find the feeling inside me. In fact, as I pull back further, I realize that in this moment, I literally want to push everyone away right now. Unbeknownst to me, I am already starting to identify with the emotion hidden in this box.

Insane Emotions

Over the course of the next half our, I keep imagining this Pandora’s Box slightly opening and then closing again. Each time, rather than going down into the frightening emotion, I instead send a quick burst of Higher Energy and love down into the box. I feel physical energy movements in my body with each open and close. I remain alert and extremely cautious, because I feel the emotion in that box, and it is overwhelmingly intense.

Finally, still petrified by the ominous contents of that metaphorical box, I feel guided to look up and glance at everyone on the porch. I quickly remember something Keith had told me yesterday – how Keith had told me that “joy” is what I need to find right now.

I had believed that I could not find this joy until I first cleaned out this Pandora’s Box, but intuitions tell me that I CAN raise my vibrations to a higher place and then ask some of the joy to find me – kind of like the “Glow Meditation” where we ask the smile in our heart to find us.

I focus on asking this joy to find me while slowly glancing at every person on the porch. As I pay attention, I realize that there are eleven of us here today, and that every person on this porch is a beautiful, energetic, magical being – each of which has played a profound role in my process. Strong intuitions tell me that I have in some way manifested each one of them into my personal experience.

I cannot imagine a more powerful group of friends – Yet, in my present state I want to push them all away right now.

“This is MY insane emotion,” I ponder the obvious fact. “And it IS insane, with no basis in reality. There is no reason for me to want to push away any of these amazing people.”

I deeply love everyone here, yet I want to isolate from them all – pushing them away – resenting them for my pain – blah, blah, blah. My God drama is being shown to me today in a form so plain and obvious that I find it impossible to deny. The very people that I want to help me in my process are all sitting right in front of me, but I don’t want their help, and instead am feeling crazy intense resentment.

Joy And Gratitude

As these bizarre realizations flood my awareness, I begin to focus on finding joy and gratitude for each person. It takes me a few minutes, but my mood gradually begins to lighten. Tears stream down my cheeks as more intense energy vibrations consume my heart. I realize that I am bringing in higher love in the form of very real gratitude – gratitude for how I am surrounded by such magic in my life – gratitude for where I am and for what I am doing. I find every deep reason to be grateful, and I feel that gratitude to the core.

I begin to cry profusely as I quietly-but-powerfully start to feel that the Pandora’s Box is now open, and that some of the stuff in there is coming up and being transmuted in my heart, all without my rational mind involvement or knowing. I receive no rational mind feedback, but have ample validation from the sense of feeling increased joy and from the overwhelming energetic activity that wiggles around in my belly and chest. I feel the energies in my heart actively churning, but not in a painful way.

After perhaps a half hour, the intensity of this beautiful heart-based experience begins to decrease. At that time, I focus in a different direction as intuitions guide me back in time four years, to June 2009 when I first began my travels and writing. Suddenly, I feel overwhelmed with new gratitude, this time for the amazing four-year journey of healing and growth beyond imagination – growth into healing my deepest pain and fears – and I am doing it in the easiest way possible. No, it has not always been fun, but I am at the very core, facing the putrid origins of dysfunctional God drama, and I know it. I am deeply grateful for the courage and progress.

Walking The Tightrope

As I continue to glance around, I almost giggle as I realize how stupid it is to think that I need Keith’s validation or guidance. I definitely would not need it from the other spiritual giants in my life. I know in my own heart what is happening, and that is the only source from which peace originates. It does not come from external teachers.

While basking in this increased level of gratitude, I experience another long period of intense energy flow and active churning in my heart – all the while, I continue to shed more tears of emotional joy.

At one point, someone does something elsewhere on the porch – something that makes me start to laugh. To my shock, as the laughter first begins to flow I almost burst into intense dry heaving. I back off and realize that I do not need to go into the dry heaves right now, that the Higher Energies are handling the transmutation of emotion. I remain in a high vibe state throughout all of it, feeling the emotion but not identifying with it.

Eventually, everything settles down.

“Wow,” I express to Keith a few minutes later, “I was on quite the journey today. I felt as if I were walking a tightrope over Pandora’s Box, feeling the agony and fear, determined not to get lost.”

“And you did it without taking the bait,” Keith congratulates me.

The Right Thing

Before Keith moves on, I feel compelled to explain more about my journey, but Keith almost immediately begins to ignore my storytelling. Just seconds earlier I had felt deeply validated and acknowledged, but now, the inner stories demand that I feel offended. Rather than judge this emotion, I go inside to feel it, asking the light to help me with it. A few minutes later, I am almost giggling with gratitude for Keith not listening to my stories.

Soon, Catherine goes deeper and deeper into her own process. Several people gather around her to hold space. In fact, I am the only one on the porch still in my seat. I struggle with the idea of also moving closer to join a semi-circle of magical people. Deep inner pain tells me that she would not want me helping, that I trigger her, and that it would be best for me to keep my distance.

Then I remember a guidance that came to me eight years ago, during a time where I was deeply struggling with a feeling of rejection with family.

“Do the right thing; do it for the right reason; and expect nothing back,” the guidance had flowed into my heart.

Expect Nothing Back

I access feelings of deep compassion and begin to hold space while soon squeezing into the semi-circle surrounding Catherine.

As I sit sharing energy, I feel deep love for Catherine, seeing her as a huge blessing in my process, and in my life. I am profoundly grateful for the pain she triggered in me. I know that the pain was mine, and that she was simply playing a role for me, pushing my most painful buttons in a way that no one else could, or would.

“I asked her to play that role,” I ponder with clarity. “It was MY stuff that came up … MY inner nightmares that surfaced. She was innocent in the whole process, simply doing what she does. So much of my growth is directly related to those buttons being pushed. I could not have done it without her.”

I share energy from my heart, with pure compassion, sharing, sharing, and sharing – having no idea if the energy is being felt or received by others. But I feel it … I feel love for her … I feel gratitude for her … and that is all that matters.

When the process completes, Catherine opens her eyes and begins to smile at everyone circled around her. I immediately start to panic, feeling inclined to look away, not wanting to trigger her and/or face possible rejection. But instead, I again do the right thing. I stare right at her, glowing pure love out of my eyes. When she looks at me, she momentarily returns that genuine glow, holds her hand over her heart, and whispers “Thank you.”

I feel beautiful love for this friend. I do indeed expect nothing back, and in some way I feel like I can love her now; whether or not she loves back is not important.

A Stinging Jab

We are again bagging chocolate tonight. I glow with love inside as I rush home for a quick dinner, managing to make it back to the porch just shortly after 6:00 p.m., eager to help with another fun evening.

I hesitate to share details of what happens next, because I do not want to project anything negative onto Keith. In the end, it all worked out perfectly. Perhaps he was playing a role for me. Perhaps Keith was just tired and grumpy. I now see that none of that matters, because the growth that resulted was beautiful and deep. I clearly own that everything in my experience is my creation, and this masterful creation served me deeply. Nevertheless, I must share the basic details in order to convey the healing story.

Keith is quite busy as I hurry around to help. The porch rugs are removed when we bag chocolate, and under the rugs are straw mats that cover a gravel floor. Due to long-term wear and tear, those mats are fraying, and one big hole in the mat is exactly where I work when I do my job.

I ask Keith if he has something to cover the hole in the mat, because it keeps getting kicked by all the people walking back and forth and I do not want to make the fraying hole any worse. When he gives me a flimsy towel that has no body, and that will get kicked off the fraying hole in a matter of seconds, I ask Keith if he doesn’t have something a little heavier in weight, so that it will stay in place as I walk around. In my heart, my question is pure and innocent, attempting to help, but I am guessing I might have been a little pushy and demanding in my own tone of voice when I pushed the issue after being told that he does not have anything heavier.

“You’ll just have to learn to pick up your feet when you walk,” Keith responds curtly. “You’ve had a problem with that for a long time, haven’t you?”

I immediately feel devastated. I interpret Keith’s hurried tone as being that of a dense jerk. I cannot believe he would take what I perceive as such a cruel jab at me. It stings and hurts. I identify with this pain, because I have a lifelong struggle believing such comments. Starting from around age ten onward, I walked pigeon toed, and walked fast, and I know I am still not totally normal in that area.

In retrospect, I must again add that this is MY trigger. At some level, I needed it, and it served me greatly. I genuinely recognize that if I was transparent and not believing that I was defective in some way, that Keith’s comment would not have even touched me in the tiniest way.

I Was Triggered

I sit at a table for a few minutes, feeling stunned, holding back tears, trying to decide if I want to go home right now. Deep emotion has been triggered. Deep pain bubbles to the surface, and I am angry as hell at Keith right now. Inner stories run rampant, raging out of control. I somehow manage to find the courage to stay, but I am shutdown, struggling to repress the emotion and tears. I clearly know this trigger is mine and that I created it at some level, but livid emotions convincingly demand that I feel otherwise.

The main problem I face in this moment is that I now realize that I am no longer willing to suppress such emotion – no longer wanting just to push it down. I know that such repression is exactly what created my putrid Pandora’s Box in the first place. I am determined to feel this emotion and to then bring in light to transmute it – but I am not sure if I am up for that right now, here in the middle of eleven people joyfully bagging chocolate.

I briefly pull Sufi aside, asking if we can talk. But as I ask for her feedback, I realize that talking about this is NOT the answer. It will only make me feel worse. Instead, I return to my chair, burying my head in my hands atop my table, and breathe deeply while struggling to maintain composure.

“Are you OK?” Keith asks a few minutes later.

I mention that HE triggered me really deeply with what he said earlier.

“I mean, ‘I was triggered,’” I correct my words, realizing that I need to arrange the words in a way that I take responsibility for how I am reacting. I clearly know that no one else can trigger me in any way. It is only me who allows and bites the hook of any trigger.

“I’m sorry,” Keith tells me a few minutes later.

“Thank you,” I respond, as I feel genuinely grateful for his humility and apology.

Isolation And Pain

For the first thirty minutes of chocolate bagging, I struggle, closing my eyes at every opportunity, breathing deeply in an attempt to focus and control the still-churning emotion. In an effort to quietly release the pain, I imagine my inner child screaming out anger – trying not to scream out loud. Gradually, I just numb myself, never feeling relief from the emotion. As the final bag is weighed and sealed, I leave immediately. I do not talk to anyone, not saying goodbye or making eye contact as I grab my umbrella and scurry home in the rain.

I am numb as I begin to watch a YouTube video on my computer. But I mainly sob and blubber as the emotion finally finds a way to the surface.

As I sit in the pain, I feel very unstable. On the one hand, I am deeply grateful for the trigger. It shows me just now NON-transparent I still am when it comes to short, frustrated, rude jabs by someone I trust. Inner stories demand that I deserve better, and that I should just never go back to Keith’s porch. But in my heart, I feel a deep commitment to finishing out this season, and I know I am growing in profound ways as I face all of these inner nightmares – all of which I own as my own.

I did feel support and appreciation from friends tonight, and Keith did apologize. There is no question that my ongoing pain is MY issue. But ego desperately wants to project responsibility elsewhere.

Popping The Cork

Soon, I go in my room and sit on my stuffed pillows, desperately trying to ground myself, listening to but not validating the incessant inner storyteller.

As I finally give myself permission to feel the core pain behind the trigger, I suddenly begin to sob and dry heave for a full fifteen minutes of agonizing emotional release. I go as deep as I dare, trusting that I will not get lost. I am determined not to go down into another long-term temper tantrum loop. I know I must feel this emotion so that I can release it.

Down, down, down I go. Soon, I recognize this emotion from around ages eleven to seventeen. During those painful social years I was jabbed, poked, and prodded with rude teasing. I had cracked and yellowing teeth. My nose was badly broken and bent. I talked fast with a slur and stutter. I walked fast and funny, with severe pigeon toes. And I was, in my mind, a gender freak, desperately trying to hide that dirty secret from the cruel teasing world. I was an easy target for teenage verbal bullying, and I took it … and took it … and took it … believing myself to be a horrible looser.

It was not every day that this happened, but it was often enough to hurt to the core. It was not always mean, and it was often me doing the self-bullying. I developed a very tough skin, and was numbly shut down, repeatedly repressing core emotions of anger, betrayal, hopelessness, pathetic self-loathing, blah, blah, blah.

I know Keith’s words were innocent and un-premeditated, being exactly what I needed to bring this pain to the surface – to pop the cork on teenage shame, shame, shame, and more shame. Again, I feel deep gratitude for that cork being popped. This stuff was pressurized and ready to burst.

An Attitude Of Gratitude

With this new attitude of gratitude, I manage to meditate into the light, bringing relief. The intense emotion is gone, and I feel grateful that another layer is done. In fact, I feel more joyful emotions bubbling deep down inside. Again, I was given a deep experience into further understanding the profound importance of feeling emotions and then surrendering them to the light. Ignoring and repressing them now seems quite insane. It is all in the feeling. Rational mind has little, if anything to do with the process.

After a late night and finally falling asleep in beautiful energy, I wake up on Tuesday morning back in a funky energy. I quickly give myself permission to process through a few additional layers of putrid teenage emotion. As I do so, I again feel gratitude on how Keith (knowingly or unknowingly) assisted me in popping the cork on this process.

After successfully surrendering to these emotions and releasing them to the light, I finally eat some oatmeal with nearly a full ceremonial dose of chocolate added to it. I realize that I still feel too many angry, hurt, moody emotions to write today, and instead I want to do more processing. I want to go deeper into this teenage stuff. I want it out of me.

But after eating my oatmeal, I feel so overwhelmed by the energy in my head that I simply surrender and do nothing, giving myself permission to simply watch videos for the whole day. I am gentle and loving with my self. There is no reason to force my writing or my inner work.

Sometime in the late afternoon, the power goes off in the middle of a strong thunderstorm. With the lights still off at 6:00 p.m., I simply light some candles and retire to my bedroom, hoping to meditate and bring in Higher Energy.

I experience a beautiful and strong flow of energy. In fact, it is quite profound. All of the heavy emotions seem to vanish, having been transmuted. I feel deeply grateful and happy again, enjoying the flow until well after 9:00 p.m.. Somewhere in this magical journey, I drift off to sleep. I love myself for being so gentle in what has been an agonizing flow of repressed emotion.

A Horrible Funk

After a pitch-black night, I am quite surprised that the power is still off on Wednesday morning. I wake up shortly after 5:30 a.m. but remain in bed till after 9.

I am in a real funk, again feeling teenage hopelessness rage through me – feeling intense projected anger while inner storytellers again ramble nonstop. Ego demands that we are victims, that it is time to leave San Marcos, blah, blah, blah. The stories are intense and convincing.

I am feeling funky, lost, rebellious, hopeless, broken, defective, and just want to say f#ck you world. I sit at my computer sobbing and dry heaving as I scribble these feelings. The emotions raging through me are real, convincing me that I hate the world … I want to dig a hole and bury myself … I cannot do this … I need help … I cannot do this alone … f#ck God, f#ck Keith. I literally feel insane, shocked by the crazy mood swings, again wondering if I belong in a mental institution.

As this emotion rages through me like a flash flood, I sit for ninety minutes, observing the stories, feeling the pain to the core. Gradually, I ask the light to help me to let go of this putrid, tangled blob of insane emotion. Over time, I feel much better, but some deep taproots of emotion still cling, refusing to let go.

Not fully trusting myself, I pull repeated Tarot cards from my deck. All the cards tell me I am on the right path, and doing well – yet I continue to feel a heaviness tugging at me.

Finally, with the power still off at 11:30 a.m., I decide it is time to get out of this dark house. I leave early, walking extremely slowly, stopping to take in the morning air as I gradually inch my way to Keith’s home for a Wednesday afternoon chocolate ceremony.

Beautiful Validation

At just after noon, I am surprised to see Keith in his garden as I step through his gate. I wonder if I am even capable of talking to him right now – or if Keith will have time for me.

“How are you doing?” Keith asks me with a compassionate tone and a big smile.

I answer honestly, explaining my intense rollercoaster ride of the last forty hours, talking about the deep emotional regressions into teenage pain. I share many details of the wild ride, explaining that at times, I have been feeling beautiful energies, and then thirty minutes later I am in another raging flash flood of pain.

“Does this ever end?” I ask after Keith congratulates me on what I am doing.

“It will not end until you fully surrender and do not need it to end,” Keith answers.

“You are doing amazing work,” Keith then adds with genuine sincerity.

“Thanks so much for saying that,” I respond with a sigh. “Sometime I get so down, beginning to believe the inner chatter that demands that I am such a crazy, broken loser. I need to hear this kind of feedback every once in a while.”

A Suck-y Acknowledgment

I soon proceed to set up the porch. The ceremony starts small, but by the time we get to the inner work phase, we have blossomed to around twenty people. I do not talk much as new people show up. I make the basic announcements about taking off shoes, putting bags in the storeroom, and sharing details about sugar and chili etc…, but in the other moments I close my eyes to meditate.

During his introduction speeches, Keith surprises me at one point when he talks about how this inner work goes on layer after layer, and that after a while, it can really suck. I smile and giggle with exasperation as these words leave Keith’s lips. Keith shares that for many people who are present, this ceremony will merely be an introduction, but for some who feel an inner imperative, this can be the only thing that matters in their life.

“Wow,” I ponder in silence. “This is ME. No wonder nothing else matters right now, not even a social life. All I want to do is clean up my emotional density, period!”

Two For Two

Just before the “Glow Meditation,” my solar plexus begins to hurt with deep pains. Today, rather than suffer with this pain, I feel immediately guided to ask Keith about it. When he glances my way, I hold my belly with a painful look on my face.

“Is this mine, or could I be reading it from someone?” I ask with painful curiosity.

“Hmmm,” Keith ponders. Let me check.”

“Brenda,” Keith shares a few seconds later. It is yours. I’m getting that rather than doing a lot of deep release today, that you will be opening more of your power and sharing it with others.”

I love Keith’s feedback. It is quick and compassionate. Just before the ceremony, I had put my intentions out in the Universe, intending that I be filled with gratitude and receive all the positive reassurance that I need, from whatever source. I am now two for two, having received beautiful compassionate guidance so far.

God Drama Clarity

As I begin to glow, it does not take long for the pain to increase. Earlier, Keith had suggested that I go inside and find a metaphorical dial to turn down the volume, so I do this. The pain slightly decreases, but it still hurts intensely.

Jim had mentioned at the start of the ceremony that he is experiencing deep, repressed, painful anger surfacing. I get the strong feeling that I might be reading his belly, especially when I see him put his hand on his solar plexus, exactly where I am hurting. But I still trust what Keith told me.

During most of the “Glow Meditation,” I feel intense pain and anger over being an empath and having to feel so much pain. I know the anger I feel is my own. But rather than push the anger down, I feel it to the core, taking the light with me. It helps a tiny bit. I feel the energy, but continue to lightly cry through most of the meditation.

When Keith finally begins the actual inner work, Jim immediately speaks up, processing through his previously mentioned anger. As I listen and hold space, I immediately get a rush of relief as Higher Energy comes in, filling me with tingling and lightness.

I now see that I clearly was reading Jim’s stuff, and that, as before, I am deeply connected to his process. Soon, Keith expands Jim’s process to the porch level, explaining to everyone all about the God drama. He gives a beautiful speech in which I find profound validation in my own arduous journey of the last year and a half – a journey that has found me repeatedly exploring deeper into my own dysfunctional games that I play with Higher Energies.

I relate profoundly to everything Keith says, especially when he describes many of the ways we play out our separation drama with Deity. I giggle quietly as I realize that I relate with every one of those tantrum games.

Painful Belly Button Vibrations

As Keith moves on, I look at Jim, give him a huge thumbs up, and express how grateful I am for his process, and for how courageous he is to go into it.

“You are serving me deeply,” I tell him from my heart.

I now find myself in a beautiful energy, holding deep loving space for the processes of others, sending energy to Jim and others as their processes unfold.

Heavy emotions continue to flow through me, but I know I am in a profoundly powerful place when I again remember to repeat my personal mission statement. I feel every word with an inspired giggle. My belly feels much better too.

Later, I notice that the immediate area around my belly button is vibrating intensely, in a very painful way. It is not the usual pain. It does hurt and is all-consuming, but it feels different. I send love and feel absolutely no judgment for what transpires, but the pain does not budge. I giggle because I am fine with that.

Power And Expansion

Soon, intuitions whisper that maybe this painful vibration is from having my empath stuff running people’s emotions through my belly rather than keeping them out in front of me where they should be flowing. In the past, when I realized that this “empath receptor” was in my belly, I had tried to use my mind to push it back out in front where it belongs. Today, I try a new approach. After silently telling the Higher Energies that I have no clue how to do this, I simply express my intention and surrender, getting out of the way, trusting that my own heart knows how to do it.

Soon, the painful vibration stops, and I feel my heart energize, sensing that it wants to open even more. I experience a pleasant energy flow, bursting in spurts from heart to throat.

“Wow, that is a nice metaphor,” I ponder how this magic wants to be expressed.

All of this occurs as Keith works with a new woman across the porch. As he assists her to release emotional density, I feel strongly guided to join in with this new power – power being expressed through my throat chakra.

“Wow, Brenda,” Keith suddenly interrupts the silence. “That is nice. Thanks for helping.”

“You can feel what I am doing?” I ask with an inner giggle, surprised that Keith is aware of my energy.

“Yes,” Keith responds.

As I continue to support the release of emotional density across the porch, I feel increasing expansion in my heart. Even though I feel no actual energy flowing between us, I do feel energetic changes in my body – I have a profound sense of power and expansion – and I feel no pain. I love it. Intuitions tell me that I AM doing something powerful, and I silently continue to giggle at Keith’s beautiful, unexpected feedback.

Three For Three

Later, as most people in the group focus on supporting a friend, Keith quietly engages me in a long, beautiful conversation. He profoundly congratulates me when I explain the details of my process.

“You have been making it much easier by following the flow,” Keith shares feedback.” You are recognizing when pain is resistance, changing your approach when something you try doesn’t work, and are following inner guidance without trying to figure things out.”

Over the course of the next twenty minutes, Keith and I discuss much of my ongoing process of the last ten days. I love the validation, the feedback, and the sense of compassion. I am now “three for three” as I glow in the realization that I am getting beautiful validating assistance, precisely when I need it.

After inner storytellers have repeatedly given me evidence that I am in this by myself, abandoned and alone, I begin to realize that ego and inner storytellers have just been wham, wham, whamming me with stories, trying to get me to take the bait. If I am honest, (and it is obvious when I go back and read my own blog notes), I have always received beautiful assistance, precisely when I really needed it.

Yet, in many ways, I really do feel as if I am in a different Universe today. I am totally aware that my new healing and my new attitudes are literally causing me to create a different reality.

I only giggle when Keith later spends a block of time teaching those on the porch all about reality creation, explaining in clarity-filled ways how we each create or allow everything that happens to us, no matter how beautiful or painful.

Reality Creation 101

As I banter a little with Keith regarding the topic of reality creation, I begin to talk generically about the triggers that we manifest in our lives. He explains that each time we are triggered, that if we get lost in the trigger then we reenergize it and energetically set ourselves up for another repeat performance.

“Keith,” I then get brave. “On Monday evening, during the instance where I was deeply triggered, I was hurt and angry, but at one level, I never got lost. I was just shocked by the emotions that came up.”

I share that even while bagging the chocolate, I was trying to pull the trigger back inside because I was not prepared to respond to the emotion at that time. But I took it home, owned it, felt it to the core, replaced it with gratitude (eventually), and then proceeded to process layer after layer as they also surfaced for release.

“Yesterday,” I explain to Keith, “it was so overwhelming that I just numbed myself down, but I made it, and don’t think I reenergized the trigger.

“Brenda,” Keith responds with compassion. “Sometimes numbing out is the only thing you can do, and that is perfect.”

Releasing Attachment

As the ceremony concludes, I walk home with Jim and another dear friend. We have a delightful conversation regarding how, when we first met nearly a year and a half ago, we massively triggered each other, driving each other crazy. We can now giggle at how profoundly similar our processes are, finding commonality and camaraderie in our respective journeys.

As I reach the turnoff by the basketball court, I make a rash decision and decide to go celebrate with my inner children. We did beautiful work this week, and we deserve a burger and fries.

Later in the evening, I bask in the magic of higher energies. As I repeat the words of my mission statement, I fill with gratitude and I still experience the energetic glow of every single word.

Tonight I am on top of the world. For the first time ever, I feel as if I really am no longer attached to needing my journey to be a certain way, to needing to be finished with this or that pattern. Instead, I am just trusting the flow, surrendering to whatever is, knowing that I could never plan the journey as well as my Higher Self is already doing.

Pandora’s Box Buttons

I totally agree with Keith’s new statement that this type of inner work can really “suck.” But one thing is also becoming increasingly evident in my process. Just in the last ten days, with every intense layer that I release, I experience a profound and noticeable difference in my energy state, in the levels of joy and peace that are beginning to lay foundations of new hope.

On Monday, I repeatedly danced through intense fears as I healed layers of emotion buried in what I metaphorically perceive as a terrifying Pandora’s Box of old stuff – agonizingly painful stuff that was buried and locked away – stuff that continued to influence moods and behavior to this very day. After experiencing huge urges to push away and isolate from everyone I love, I kept going, eventually filling with new levels of joy and gratitude for everyone on the porch – for an inspired four-year journey that continues to reveal giggling surprises on a frequent basis.

Having begun Monday feeling triggered by repressed emotions of abandonment, I end the ceremony deeply understanding just how silly the notion of feeling ignored really is. I filled with unconditional love and gratitude, doing the right thing, for the right reason, expecting nothing back.

But later that same evening, an innocent and unpremeditated comment violently pushes buttons that have been deeply buried in that Pandora’s Box – triggering an agonizing forty-hour popping-the-cork journey – one that again wavers between a magical attitude of gratitude and the depths of hating life itself. To make the metaphors even more magical, this whole journey corresponded with a simultaneous power outage that lasted for nearly a full day.

Newfound Hope

After waking up on Wednesday, once more in a horrible teenage funk, I again found magical energy filled with gratitude, leading me to a beautiful ceremony, filled with repeated support and validation, one in which I followed inner guidance, surrendering to the flow, feeling things to the core, and utilizing my expanding toolbox to reach a magical outcome.

I love my understanding of reality creation. I love the knowing that everything that happens to me is there for a reason, and that the only thing I need to do is to learn to love, trust, and surrender. When I do so, everything always serves me beautifully, no matter how painful it may seem on the surface.

Who could have thought that going to the depths of agonizing emotion could actually begin to be easy, filled with love, gratitude, joy, and ever-increasing magical energies. As more of the old painful stuff is replaced with joy, newfound hope does indeed fill my heart.

… to be continued …

Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “Dreams Come True.”

After a relaxing morning, I find myself in a quiet, small afternoon workgroup ceremony on this beautiful Thursday, May 2, 2013.

“Brenda,” Keith interrupts the silence, “I’m guided to tell you that your journey today will be another one of surrendering and following, trusting yourself, not receiving much external guidance. You are on your way to stepping up a level.”

“Thanks,” I tell Keith with a smile.

I really do appreciate the brief interaction, even if it is one telling me not to expect much external assistance. I love knowing that I am not being ignored, but that I am just being trained to further trust myself.

A Pinched Heart

I am all over the road map in this trust and surrender journey. I follow my feelings and try not to think as I engage in a silent eighth-chakra meditation – attempting to fill with as much light as possible. I feel quite a bit of nice energy in my head, but my heart feels a tiny bit pinched.

Soon, I imagine floating down a calm river in a small raft, drifting with the divine flow, not controlling the direction or currents. Then I tie a rope to the boat, climb out into the water with the rope fastened around my wrist, and I float on my back in that gentle flow. For me, all of this is an exercise in surrender and trust – in simply not knowing. Repeatedly, I add variations to the metaphor, holding a margarita in my hand, drifting between mountains of density, etc.

Through all of this, I feel a deep sense of trust, but I begin to feel impatient when the journey does not seem to be taking me anywhere specific.

Soon, one of my favorite “A Course In Miracles” quotes pops into my head, one stating: “Infinite patience brings immediate results.” I am having a hard time waiting, wanting the guidance to come now. This quote reminds me that the peace I receive from trusting and being patient in the present moment is all that I need. Again, I focus on relaxing. As I do so, my arms hurt with intense squeamys (squirming and screaming sensation at the cellular level).

I continue to listen and observe, following the processes of others. In fact, I do this for the majority of the ceremony, simply holding space while sharing energy. My heart remains quite pinched.

Lost In Apathy

Finally, I follow inner guidance, silently repeating my personal mission statement. It reads as follows:

“I am a beautiful and courageous divine daughter of God, overflowing with unconditional love and acceptance of others.

I will compose and perform the special music I hear in my own heart, creating a safe and loving environment where others feel inspired and empowered to discover and to perform their own beautiful music.

Together, we can, and we will, create symphonies.”

These words channeled through me in June 2004 while I sat seeking guidance beside a waterfall in the mountains of Utah. Many times in the past, these words have served to ground me – to remind me who I am and where I am going in my life.

But today, as I repeat these words in my mind, I am apathetic. I do not believe the words. I feel resentful and hopeless. I continue attempting to repeat my mission statement – attempting to connect with my internal truth – but I simply cannot feel it.

Suddenly, I realize that this apathy and resentment stem from a victim feeling – a feeling of not being worthy – a feeling of simply not believing any of that inner truth.

Too Terrified To Try

“I need to feel this emotion more deeply,” I ponder. “This emotion is what is blocking me from believing the truth of my own mission statement.”

I consider that this emotion might be another inner scam, and I waffle back and forth for a while, seeking more inner clarity. Soon, as another woman on the porch goes deep into emotional release, I decide to trust myself. Again, I cautiously flash back to what happened on Monday, when I went down into intense anger and ended up being lost and stuck in a painful loop. But I know that if I cannot allow myself to feel this emotion, then the light cannot transmute it for me.

I surrender slowly, gradually allowing myself to walk down into this emotion … down … down … down. At first, I do not feel much emotion at all, but eventually I begin to feel the anger, the apathy, and the victim energies … deeper, deeper, and deeper.

Finally, I reach the point of intense, overwhelming emotion, but I still sense a need to go deeper before I bring in the light. I start to quiver inside, nearing a state of panic. I begin to wonder if perhaps I might have already gone too far. I realize that I might lose control and refuse to come back, sinking deeper into another God-drama loop.

I know there is more emotion and that I need to go deeper, but I cannot venture further. I am too terrified to try.

Unworthy Of Love

As I freeze in fear, I look up and glance at Keith, desperately wanting to ask for help. I am not surprised when he is already looking at me.

“I went down into a well of emotion,” I blurt out through fearful tears. “I took the light with me, even imagining my higher circle of friends carefully lowering me down there … but now I fear I may have gone too far … afraid if I go any further that I will get lost.”

Keith compassionately acknowledges my experience and shares a few confirming words of advice before suggesting that I have gone far enough.

“Now bring in the light,” Keith coaches. “Just bring in a drop or two at a time.”

Keith understands that at this point I am balancing on a tightrope, on the edge of not allowing any light at all. I love the idea of just bringing in a few drops at a time.

I ask for the light, but do not feel what I expect. There is no tingling, no lightness, and no transmutation. After about ten seconds, I suddenly begin to cry and dry heave, in a layer of release that lasts for another ten seconds.

“There, that is the light,” Keith suddenly interrupts. “The love is triggering the emotions of unworthiness, causing you to go deeper.”

It makes sense. Right now, in this moment, I do not feel worthy of love in the energetic space in which I find myself.

Enough For Now

As I continue relaxing and surrendering, the emotional flow ceases. For the next twenty minutes or so, I gradually begin to feel better, simply breathing, trusting, surrendering, not thinking, and just trying to stay out of the way.

I eventually reach a nice state of energy – actually feeling a glimmer of joy just beneath the surface. It feels as if happiness is bubbling inside. I know I did deep work, and did it mostly by myself with minimal external interaction. I am quite proud of myself.

Part of me wants to do more, to go deeper into another layer of that putrid emotion. But another part of me says, “Back off, you have done enough for now. You don’t want to get lost in a God drama loop. Just feel the light and love that you can.”

I do not feel a huge flow of energy, but it is enough, and I feel balanced inside, with some warm vibration now calming my heart.

Where Is The Joy?

“Brenda,” Keith asks a while later, “where is the joy now?”

“It is just below the surface,” I respond with confidence.

“It is under a thin layer of more emotion, down in the same well that I just went into,” I add a minute later. “The God-drama emotion is keeping me from expressing it … but I can now feel some of it wanting to come to the surface.”

Keith congratulates me on my awareness that the joy is indeed in there … except that it is repressed and hiding under emotional layers. We do not talk much, but I feel deeply grateful for the short exchange we have – for the way he validates my ongoing inner work.

Wanting To Wallow

Soon, I go back to working alone, bringing in a continued flow of mild light and love. It is nothing extravagant, but does feel quite nice.

As the ceremony reaches conclusion, Sufi leans over and asks what I am doing tonight. She indicates that she wants to do something really fun, perhaps watching a movie together. I pause, not feeling socially confident, not feeling entirely stable with my emotions.

“I feel like I want to isolate and be alone tonight,” I soon respond.

I do not trust myself, but really feel an urge to withdraw. I begin to wonder if this is merely an old automatic habit of past social dysfunction.

But as I walk home, new emotions bubble to the surface causing me to want to sob. This emotion is unexpected and confusing. When I arrive at my apartment, I sit at my computer, feeling antisocial, wanting to be alone, yet feeling like a loser for wanting to be alone. As I further ponder, I realize that this pattern stems from the roots of being an empath – from believing something was horribly wrong with me, especially when I was around other people and taking their stuff into me.

This emotion is deep, and I want to wallow in it.

Confusing Emotion

To my surprise, Sufi soon knocks on my door, telling me she felt guided to check on me anyway. I invite her in, but again tell her I want to be alone … that I don’t want to talk about my emotion and just dig the whole deeper. I want to feel it and process through it, and simply talking about it is not a good solution.

“I’m really confused,” I tell Sufi. “I don’t know if this is a scam, or if it is real emotion that I need to process.”

“It feels like a scam that wants to take me into a God-drama loop again,” I soon add a minute later.

Immediately, the evening skies rumble with lightning and thunder, seeming to confirm my statement with a loud booming clap.

Finally, as I start to cry, I ask Sufi if she will help me release the emotion. She sits a few feet away and meditates as I do the same, expressing my inner intent to release whatever is boiling to the surface.

Into The Storm

As I process through tears and small amounts of dry heaving, I keep focusing on the light while continuing to feel what is surfacing inside.

It soon becomes quite clear to me that I do NOT want to let this emotion go – that this emotion wants to suck me into a God-drama loop, and I WANT to allow this.

Rather than give up however, I double my resolve, and bring in more light.

“I am not going to scam myself,” I ponder repeatedly.

This feels like intense, out-of-proportion fear that is coming up – like the four-year old child whose foot hurts, and who is terrified that it is going to fall off. I still feel that the fear is real, but I am not going to let it control me, or scam me.

I grab Bobby-bear and hug him tight, pushing my self forward into this release process, still crying a little. Meanwhile, the thunderstorm has caused the electricity to go off, and it is dark. I hug, and hug, and hug my precious inner child.

“Wow, I am feeling real love for the scamming part of me,” I ponder with clarity. I am feeling deep love for that child, the teenager, and the adult versions of me who struggled so much with nonstop urges to isolate and suffer alone.”

I feel this deep self-love for all of me – for all situations – and I feel it profoundly. My heart and belly shake with flowing energy as I continue tightly squeezing little Bobby-bear.

Calm After The Storm

After perhaps fifteen minutes of this self-loving experience, I begin to notice that I am almost dizzy with higher energy, and I feel it engulfing me from all sides. I feel a visual of me being surrounded and warmly held by angels and all sorts of Higher Beings, engulfing me in magical embrace.

I cry again as I feel this profound love. My heart and abdomen continue to shake and twitch with this energy, and the dizziness in my head makes me feel as if I am in another dimension.

“I need to go,” Sufi gently touches me and interrupts the silence, perhaps another fifteen minutes later.

She indicates that she herself is somewhat ungrounded, and that all this Higher Energy is overwhelming her in her own process – as is the energy from all the lightning and thunder outside.

I pause what I am doing and we talk briefly. Suddenly the thunderstorm subsides and all is quiet.

“Earlier I wanted to be alone because I wanted to isolate and cry,” I tell Sufi with deep gratitude, “but now, I want to be alone, because I want to sit and glow in this magical energy for a while.”

Soon, I am doing just that. Later, even another late-night concert in the basketball court cannot phase my magical energy. I simply put in some earplugs and drift gently off to sleep.

The Ugly Duckling

Early Friday morning, I awake in a nice energy, but as I begin to meditate, I suddenly realize that I have deep anger, jealousy, grief, sadness, and confusion – all swirling around deep inside me – all stemming from repressed childhood feelings.

“My joy is trapped in that emotional well, underneath all of these swirling emotions,” I ponder with clarity.

Suddenly, the metaphor of “The Ugly Duckling” comes into my mind with intuitive force.

“I WAS that beautiful swan, born into a world and culture of ducks,” I ponder with clarity. “And I believed that something was horribly wrong with me. I did not relate to the beautiful ducks. I did not know how to be a duck. I struggled to conform and to be accepted, believing myself to be an absolute loser of a duck for not being able to do so. At a core level, an inner knowing hinted that maybe I never would fit in. I was lost, and the thought of trying to pretend to be a duck for the rest of my life was devastating.”

“I still run that pattern today with my desire to isolate,” I continue pondering. “It often feels safer to hide out and live in a known, isolated world, rather than reaching out to others, risking involvement in ways that might further trigger me.”

As I further pursue this “Ugly Duckling” metaphor, I feel more and more emotion surfacing from the depths. It runs deep, and I cautiously ponder my tendency to get lost in such places. But I risk it, allowing myself to go into the emotion, crying, sobbing, dry heaving, feeling it all, doing so with conscious awareness that this is God-drama bait that dangles a hook in front of me. Today, I am not biting.

Hidden Swan Instincts

As I hug Bobby-bear, I imagine myself loving and holding a beautiful swan – a gorgeous, talented swan that hates herself because of the countless layers of self-loathing that she piled on for protection. It broke the swan’s heart to believe she was terribly broken, not even knowing exactly what was broken. She was so lost and alone that she dared not ask for feedback from other ducks. It just hurt too much.

“It still hurts too much,” I ponder in tear-filled agony. “I would love that feedback, even now. But I do not know if I could handle what someone else might say.”

I clearly understand that Catherine, and others, were just trying to give me honest feedback regarding that they could see – about how my dysfunction manifested – but it hurt too much, and the feedback was not delivered with compassion. I think I am ready now, wanting to be shown what remains to be healed – but I feel terrified to find out – terrified to receive any guidance that does not come with compassionate unconditional love.

This intense emotion and insecurity hangs on for a while. Soon, I surrender to the light, asking for assistance, asking the light to transmute, to take me deeper, or show me something else.

“I don’t know how to be a magical swan,” I ponder silently. “I was trained in the rational-mind ways of ducks … but ducks cannot tell me how to be a swan. Somewhere inside my heart are the knowing instincts of a beautiful swan. This knowledge is patiently waiting; it is my birthright, safely protected in the depths of my own heart.”

A Swan’s Journey

Gradually, the emotion fades as nicer energy flows in to replace it. Beautiful, yet ordinary insights begin to flow freely, guiding me on this magical journey of profound understanding.

I know that another layer of emotional healing is completed, and this fact seems to be profoundly significant. I am proud that I did not feel the least bit tempted to get lost in that emotion, even though what I experienced today was more intense than the emotions from earlier this week.

As I ponder, I feel a genuine desire for more honest feedback regarding how to drop my duck tendencies and to further embrace the honesty of being a swan. Yet I again openly admit to myself that I am terrified of such feedback. I remain fully aware that a deep bottomless well of emotion yet remains buried inside me – a well of anger, jealousy, sadness, grief, self-loathing, and confusion. Much of the confusion stems from knowing my beautiful swan-ness, yet also feeling the certainty that I am broken and cannot be repaired. Part of me continues to insist that I will die as a duck-conditioned swan, because I see no way to heal such a deep, dark well using my own meager resources.

“And all of this emotion continues to hide a deep victim consciousness,” I continue this sobering meditation. “This part of me still wants to throw a huge tantrum, because of the knowing that I am good, combined with the hopelessness of digging my way out of the well. I simply do not know how to do it.”

“I spent a lifetime having ducks tell me all the things that were wrong with me,” I explore further. “All this craziness created this well of confusion, anger, jealousy, and hopelessness. This is why I continue to rebel when other beautiful swans try to tell me what I am doing that keeps me stuck. I do not recognize them as loving swans. Instead, I see them as more of the ducks that have hurt me so deeply. I tend to see other swans as well-intentioned fixers … as being worse than ducks.”

“Maybe the solution is to learn to see other swans as divine swans,” I ponder, “and learning to trust that such feedback, whether solicited or not, is coming from a swan perspective.”

As this beautiful meditation ends, I realize that much of the emotional release and subsequent magical insights all began to flow when I asked the joy still buried inside of me to begin lighting up on the inside, from beneath the layers that still hold it trapped.

Over the course of my long healing journey, I have had repeated magical glimpses of being a swan, interspersed with the emotional journey required to make those profound glimpses more permanent and lasting.

A Fellow Swan

After this magical Friday morning meditation, I give myself permission to enjoy a relaxing morning before again embarking on the short ten-minute walk to Keith’s porch. We get a late start on this ceremony of twenty-three people – but wow, is it ever worth it.

I begin the ceremony from a state of magical expectancy, having no clue what will happen, but trusting that whatever it is, it will be amazing. Even before Keith works with the group, I begin a silent eighth-chakra meditation – a journey that takes me into delightful energies, along with pains that begin to form here and there in my body.

Almost immediately after the “Glow Meditation” finishes, a friend begins to ask for help, sharing how he has finally accessed deep reservoirs of intense anger that are holding him back. I giggle inside as the parallels become obvious – as he talks of how this buried well of anger is preventing him from accessing his authentic joy.

As I hold space from the starting moment, I experience profound love and understanding for a beautiful fellow swan – one that has deeply triggered me in the past – one raised in a completely different way, but who has extremely similar pain – pain that each of us has handled in our own unique way.

A Little Too Serious

I feel profound unconditional love for this man who has finally found the courage to face his own buried pain. As I channel love through me, asking his Higher Self to help him receive it, I realize that I too am filling with more of my own self-love. This magical experience goes on for most of the first hour. Finally, I disengage and go inside while holding Bobby-bear, basking in the self-love with my eyes closed, hugging Bobby, thinking about the profound swan lessons while healing so much of my own inner judgment and jealousy. It warms my heart to see another struggling swan from such a beautiful perspective.

Soon, Steven unexpectedly locks eyes with me, and I stare into his magical gaze for a long while, feeling massive amounts of self-love as I focus on relaxing my body and allowing the Higher Energies to flow through me. Still, I do not feel fully aligned. My own deep well of festering emotion continues to boil, and I am again experiencing the unexpected sadness that hides behind the self-love.

Several times, Steven reaches over and tickles my feet to get me to be less serious. The first time, I go into laugher and then tears, including some dry heaving. It is intense. The second time he tickles me, I again cry, but then focus on inviting more Higher Energies to transmute the emotions. The third time he tickles me, I am focused on magical swan metaphors as additional deep insights continue to flow. Through it all, I do not break my gaze.

Approaching Giggles

Eventually, Steven flashes a thumbs-up gesture and then leans forward.

“I can tell you have reached a nice energy flow,” Steven whispers.

“Yeah, but I am not done with my work yet,” I respond, fearful that he is about to disengage from this process.

“Close your eyes and continue with the process,” Steven guides me.

This feels right. I need to go inside. The energy I feel is not his, it is mine. As has happened many magical times in the past, Steven has helped me to balance again, but this is my energy flowing through me, and it is my job to finish this journey.

For the next hour, as I continue this inner meditation, I gradually increase my energy, working toward a state of inner giggles while further continuing to explore the swan/ ugly duckling metaphors. Soon, I realize it is not just me who was a swan raised by clueless ducks – all of us are swans. We are all messed up in our own unique way, each of us swimming in the same duck pond, all struggling with our childhood conditioning in one state or another. Each of us is trying to figure out in our heads how not to walk and talk like a duck. All the while, that “swan-knowing” is instinctually inside of us.

Expanding Giggles

Then the meditation gets funny as I start to imagine each swan having been raised by different animals. Some swans were raised by ducks, with others being raised by mice, cats, dogs, monkeys, etc…

Then I begin to visualize a “psychologist mouse” patiently working with a swan that is trudging around a hamster wheel. The mouse is attempting to help the swan to understand how to be a more compliant, conforming, and happy mouse. The swan repeatedly talks about how depressed she feels … how she just does not know how to fit in to this mousey world. She knows that there must be something more.

Then Doctor Monkey tries to teach the swan how to climb a tree. We can all imagine how that ends.

All of these funny images cause me to giggle as I profoundly realize, at an experiential level, that each of us really is a divine swan who is lost in varying degrees, trying to please those with whom we grew up and spend our lives. We were all taught to be those crabs in a crab basket, pulling our swan-peers back into our basket each time they try to crawl out, not allowing them to find their true identities.

Eventually, I giggle and put on a huge smile as I imagine my “Higher Swan.” I almost laugh aloud when I visualize my magical “Circle of Swan Friends” that are supporting me from other dimensions, loving me as a real swan.

Through the early stages of this inner meditation, I found myself still struggling to embrace my own “swan-ness,” still feeling the emotional sting of victimization for having been raised as a duck. But by the end, I am alive and giggling, enjoying a high-vibration energy. I love the experience. I begin to look around at several people, making eye contact, feeling the glow on my face. Each person responds with similar glows.

Unexpected Healing Perspectives

Soon, another healing scene unfolds in front of me. It is Catherine working with a new woman, helping the woman to get beneath her stories. I begin to giggle silently as I observe Catherine launch into a long round of her own stories, talking about stories as she tries to help the woman let go of a story. But I am shocked by the story Catherine shares, because I perceive that Catherine is talking about me, generically sharing a conversation we had in the early days of our relationship. I will not go into specifics, but Catherine shares things that I had said to her long ago, things that for me remain quite true and that were said in complete love and innocence on my part – yet things that continue to stab Catherine in the heart, causing her to project that pain onto me.

“Wow,” I ponder. “It now makes so much sense why she still resents me. But I also clearly see how this is HER issue and not mine. My comments so long ago were true from my perspective, and at the time I know that I said them with love. In fact, I still believe them to be true. That is all I am responsible for.”

I love how the Universe guided us into each other’s lives, to mutually trigger each other. As I listen to the conversation from afar, I feel so much more love for Catherine, but I still clearly see her unhealed pain, for which she continues to blame me. I clearly see the magic in our confusing relationship, but still recognize that the only thing I have power over is in healing my own pain related to the struggles. And I AM grateful for my related healing.

Healing Reflections

At 4:30 p.m., I decide to leave early. I feel complete, smiling inside, overflowing with a nice energy, and feel no need to remain on the porch. We are bagging another three-hundred pounds of chocolate tonight at 6:00 p.m. and I would rather go home to get an early dinner before returning.

As I type up my notes while the rice and beans are cooking, I reflect on the insights of another beautiful day. I have gained new levels of understanding regarding how rational mind is simply not the tool to do this healing work. Instead, it is all about the feelings – following the feelings, emotions, sensations, persistent thoughts, judgments, or whatever. And then, rather than denying these emotions and trying not to feel them, it is instead quite important to actually go into them, asking the feelings to expand before finally surrendering them to the light – letting them go and be transmuted by an energy of love that simply cannot be defined with rational mind.

For me, these emotions have been coming up in intense ways, throughout the week. I see them as things like anger, victimization, jealousy, etc., bubbling up in a deep well that continues to terrify me. Many of those emotions remain buried, hiding behind self-judgment, impatience, and frustration. I see what remains in that well as the core issues at the basis of my unraveling social dysfunction.

I do NOT know how to heal them with rational mind, but I DO now know how to feel them. I trust that I can do so without getting lost in them, trusting that the light WILL help me, trusting that each time I do another layer (as I did today) that I will experience another beautiful level of inner healing, light, energy, and love.

As I gobble down my early dinner, I feel hopeful and giggly. I know I am not done, but today, I did complete another painful layer, and I did it with loving ease. Each layer gets easier, building more trust and confidence. This week alone, I have done at least four, putrid, agonizing layers. I can do this.

A Weird Attack

After a beautiful Saturday, writing, and even socializing a little, I finally publish, “Power Surges And Glitches” at around 8:30 in the evening. It has been a long day, but I feel content and proud of myself for increasingly becoming more social and flexible in my schedule.

Early Sunday morning, I suddenly wake up from a crazy dream. I was high up in snow-covered mountains, exploring a newly developing residential area. In fact, I was with a few real estate agents, with the awareness that we had been looking at properties that I was thinking about buying. For whatever reason, we were all standing around on an isolated stretch of icy mountain road, on steep slopes near a dirt cliff.

Suddenly, as we are talking, I see a huge chunk of ice fall off a mountain in the far distance to my right. It crashes to the ground, rumbling like an avalanche of icicles. Then, as I watch with interest, the same thing happens in the mountains to my left. This avalanche of crushing ice and snow is not as far away as the first.

To my shock, I suddenly look up and see a similar avalanche falling from the sky, directly above us. Instinctively, I dive off the road, over the edge of the dirt cliff, grabbing onto a tree that hangs over the edge, trying to shelter myself from the unavoidable barrage. I barely make it off the road before the ice and heavy wet snow crash down all around.

When the frightening event is over, I struggle to pull myself up on the tree, trying to crawl back up onto the road. As I look around several people are still standing there, as if nothing happened. One reaches down and assists me in returning to flat ground.

At this moment, I wake up from the dream. It had been a feeling of being near death, yet the interesting thing is that I was not afraid. There was no panic. It was all just weird.

Magical Amazing Energy

Resting in bed, pondering the aftermath of a weird dream, I note that I am experiencing a great deal of interesting energy flowing through me. In fact, for the next hour or two, I remain in bed, feeling this energy churning in the back side of my lower chakras. It moves and flows, feeling very positive, but it is so active that it also makes me uneasy in a somewhat unnerving way. The energy flow focuses mainly in the lower back, but also rises up to the region of my heart. Eventually, as I focus on stretching and relaxing my legs, the magical flow actively starts to radiate throughout both legs.

At times, I experience unexpected sensations of intense panic as the energy flows in areas where such repressed fear is stored. But I embrace all the emotion with love and giggles. At one point, the energy is so pleasurable and intense that I begin to shake, and curl up without control. It is a magical flow, tantalizing me with never-before-felt energy tickles.

An Unexpected Unmotivated Mood

As I rest in this amazing energy, I suddenly remember something the teacher Abraham (channeled by Esther Hicks) said in a video I recently watched. Abraham had emphasized the importance of paying attention to our general moods – moods that we are not always even aware of.

Suddenly, I realize that a very heavy mood of hopelessness dominates my present state of being. While I bask in the middle of beautiful energy, I begin to ponder about what makes me feel joyful, and what I will do a month from now. As I do so, I start to feel hopeless, pathetic, unmotivated, knowing I am going to fail, and that I have no chance of success, blah, blah, blah.

I know I am in magical energy, embarked on a magical journey, and I do not allow myself to buy into this hopeless mood. But it is real and there, just the same. I begin to wonder if I will be journeying into this emotion, later, during the chocolate ceremony this afternoon.

I am surprised when this mood dominates my morning. I am unmotivated, sleeping in a little, but not even feeling like calling a friend. The mood lasts right up until noon when I find myself again setting up Keith’s porch for what turns out to be a large chocolate ceremony, with twenty-seven people at the peak.

A Synchronous Stage Play

Right from the start, I note that Keith is frequently bombarded by barrages of rational-mind comments and questions. In an introduction where Keith normally shares inspiring personal experiences, he barely has enough time to deal with constant head interruptions by many who repeatedly interrupt him. All the discussion remains at a surface level. It seems that those present will not allow it to go any deeper.

Finally, as Keith opens the ceremony to inner work, two women are deep in emotional release. Keith works with one, while I quietly assist the other. I focus on glowing with as much Higher Energy as I can access, sharing it with these two women, as well as a young man directly in front of me. I overflow with what feels like divine power. I love the way the ceremony is going right now.

When Keith finishes helping this first woman to release huge layers of emotion, he pulls back to a group level and starts a discussion that leads into an empath training. But to my shock, Keith is again constantly barraged with unrelated comments, greatly hampering the flow of the empath discussions. Many of those present continue to want to analyze it all at a head level.

I do not judge, but instead just observe the level of rational distraction with deep interest, pondering why I am creating such a scenario. The empath training consumes the next hour and a half, because it is repeatedly drug out by irrelevant questions. Keith patiently offers loving answers. I can tell something is up for me, because Keith would usually have deferred many of these questions for later. In fact, we never finish the full training because of all the interrupting diversions.

At every turn, this person or that wants to offer fixing, rational-mind feedback and advice to everyone else who has a real question. I am blown away by just how obvious this synchronous stage play is becoming.

Rational Mind Triggers

Meanwhile, in the middle of the training, I begin to feel intense pain in my abdomen. Intuitions tell me it is mine, but I want to be sure. The pain is so strong, I begin to slightly panic.

“Am I reading this or is it mine,” I finally ask Keith from a state of slight confusion.

“It is yours,” Keith agrees with me.

When I explain how painful it is, and that I am feeling a lot of panic, Keith tells me that today, I am processing the empath stuff at a new level, in a new way. He says nothing more than this, leaving me guessing, but also allowing me to further surrender to the curious wonder of what may be unfolding.

“Pain is resistance,” I remember a while later, causing me to again focus on relaxing into whatever I feel, still not needing to understand or know anything. In fact, I understand that “not knowing” and “not figuring things out” are quite important for me in this process. Instead, I surrender and trust that all is perfect inside – that something magical is happening. I don’t need to think about it.

After the training has been totally sidetracked by the interruptions of others, I begin to feel overwhelmed by the level of rational mind talk that seems to originate from all corners of the porch. A few of those who interrupt should know better, but most are new people who are quite lodged in rational mind curiosity.

I continue to observe with curiosity myself, feeling profoundly triggered by rational mind chatter, but still pushing down the triggered emotions, not wanting to lose myself in them.

Clogging The Joy

Finally, the young woman seated next to me reminds Keith that he promised to talk about the “payoffs” that cause us to remain dysfunctional. As Keith attempts to lead such a discussion, others again interrupt and pick everything apart.

To my surprise, Keith speaks to the main source of many interruptions, bluntly asking the man if he is aware of how inappropriate his constant comments are. I take this event as a gentle reminder that Keith remains fully in charge, and that he is permitting events to be as they are for some purpose – one that I do not yet fully understand.

As I make a quick trip to the bathroom, I quickly whisper to Keith, “Can we please go back to inner work?” A minute later, when I sit down again, Keith obliges my request and asks my friend Jim (still not his real name) how he is doing today. The ensuing inner work is deep and meaningful. I relate to Jim’s process, and then simultaneously begin to cry from all of the rational mind distractions and craziness around me. It seems that I am finally allowing myself to feel the underlying emotion.

“I am again profoundly relating to Jim’s process,” I speak up when Keith’s glance encourages me to talk. “I can clearly see how much we have in common, how much pain is buried inside of us from childhood, and how we have each dealt with it so differently.”

As Keith validates this process, engaging me in a short conversation, I briefly mention my weird dream before sharing how I woke up in beautiful amazing energy, and then later realized I was also in an underlying mood of hopelessness.

“I think the hopelessness is clogging up the emotion at the core of my God drama,” I share with Keith. “And my joy is just below that.”

That Scary Joy

“I am not buying into this hopelessness, but can you tell me how to release such emotion?” I ask Keith in deep curiosity.

“You are releasing it right now, just by feeling it,” Keith reminds me.

“But can you help me find an easier way to release it without having to feel it so deeply?” I beg for guidance.

“Look at Jim’s T-shirt,” Keith smiles back at me.

When I glance to my side, I see a very funny graphic on the T-shirt, and begin to laugh.

“What you need most right now is joy,” Keith shares with compassion.

“You know what happens when you are joyful?” Keith then asks as we banter for a few minutes.

“Yeah,” I respond with a giggle. “I get into deep trouble for being too happy, too noisy, too rambunctious, too everything.”

“It is more spontaneity than joy what was behind this struggle,” Keith again reminds me.

“And the hopelessness covered all of that, because I felt so hopeless at having my joy and spontaneity slammed out of me,” I quickly add. “I was so confused and made crazy as a child. All of the panic I feel is the fear of reopening the joy, because subconsciously I believe it will cause intense punishment all over again.”

In an ensuing conversation, Keith repeatedly questions me until I am able to figure out that in my subconscious mind, I actually do have joy hooked with punishment.

Of course, at one level, I already knew this, but I had never put two plus two together at this level. I really am terrified of joy, and that is why every time that I start to laugh, I end up sobbing and dry heaving – why I am still unable to publicly express joy.

Going Deeper

“I feel as if I am cycling at the surface and want to go deeper,” I tell Keith. “Can you give me any advice on how to do this an easier way?”

“You cannot do more than you can do,” Keith responds in a cryptic manner.

I know that he is reminding me I am in an inspired flow, and that I am doing the best I know how, as fast as I can. I am patiently loving myself through the process, repeatedly remembering that self-love and self-compassion are the main ingredient in this healing.

“Can you suggest a way to go deeper?” I again ask for something to help.

Keith tells me to close my eyes, and then asks all of the empaths on the porch to help me release what I am ready to let go of. I relax and surrender, gradually feeling lighter over time. It is nice. I really feel as if I am releasing emotion. I can only giggle as somewhere in the middle of this magical process, others again distract the group and pull the ceremony back to rational-mind conversation. The crazy head-talk continues for nearly an hour and a half.

I simply surrender, knowing that I have received exactly what I need.

Distracted Inner Work

I sit and watch as Keith simply observes the craziness unfold, doing nothing to impede the conversation. At one point, a woman speaks up, asking Keith for help. But just as Keith starts to work with her, everyone wants to pipe in and talk to her at a mind level, helping her to “analyze” what is wrong, suggesting this and that mental understanding. Still, Keith simply observes.

“Do you still want some help,” Keith eventually breaks into a silent pause.

When she says “yes,” Keith begins to guide her down into the subconscious.

When Keith then asks about where she is at and what she feels, many on the porch again jump in, interrupt, and barrage her with unwanted advice and counsel, all at the mind level, sharing nonstop story after story. This group will simply not allow real emotional work.

Childhood Clarity

As the ceremony falls apart in another interruption, everyone around me begins to chatter away in nonstop storytelling, blah, blah, blah – lasting for forty-five minutes.

I want to scream. It is crazy, intense, and overwhelming. As Keith handles a chocolate purchase, the porch echoes with loud, nonstop, simultaneous stories, most of them involving fixing and validating. Everyone else seems to be enjoying the mental onslaught.

“I get it,” I ponder inside with a giggle, clearly recognizing that all day today the Universe has provided me with an undeniable stage play. It is my own personal holodeck showing me another profound example of what happened to me during my childhood shutdown.

I am shocked as I ponder how, just a short while ago one woman who wanted help was simply not allowed by others to go down into her heart. No matter what, others were so uncomfortable that they repeatedly kept the conversation at the surface level, as if franticly obsessed to do so.

“This is exactly what happened to me as a child,” I ponder with agonizing clarity. “I DID feel the energies. I wanted my family to understand my heart experience, and wanted to talk about my energy feelings. But no one around me could relate. Every time I tried to go there, they pulled the situation back to a rational debate.”

“If I attempted to talk from an out-of-the-box level, I was scolded, punished, reasoned with, made wrong, and invalidated at every turn,” I continue. “If it could not be explained and understood with rational mind, in the confines of my religious conditioning, it was not allowed in my reality. I was made to believe I was evil for even trying to talk about what I felt in my heart.”

Time To Go Deeper

“Can we please pull this back out of the rational mind chatter?” I ask Keith when he returns to the porch.

“Just hang on and flow with what is happening,” Keith suggests.

Immediately, I realize that Keith and I are on the same page, knowing that this he is letting this happen for a reason – knowing that in my case it has already profoundly served me.

As I quietly begin to chatter with Keith about my process, two women sit down and attempt to drag me into rational discussion. I politely engage them for a minute but quickly find a way to end the conversation, indicating that I am still a little in my process.

“This is exactly what happened to me as a tiny child, and throughout youth,” I explain to Keith when he turns back to work with me. “This is at the core of the shutdown of my joy and true heart expression. It was analyzed out of me using mental stories, pushed down below the confusion, the frustration, the hopelessness, and the judgment.”

“I am feeling deep emotion and judgment about this,” I express a few minutes later. “And I just realized that rather than invalidate and push this emotion down, just like I have always done, maybe I need to go deeper into it.”

Keith smiles, as if to acknowledge agreement with my assessment, and he is then sidetracked by another distraction.

Dangerously Close To The Bottom

As I close my eyes and go inside, I almost immediately sense my inner child silently screaming via my throat … screaming out judgmental aggravation and intense confusing frustration. I am using the visual of screaming this at an angel, pushing out the intense negative energy via my throat chakra, imagining it flowing out of me as I feel it to the core. I begin to cry quite intensely, not to the point of dry heaving, but I get very close. Huge tears stream down my cheeks. I don’t care who is around me still lost in storytelling. This is my process, and I am doing it.

As I continue this inner journey, I am quite clear that this is another major God-drama hook – another entrance point into endless tantrum loops. I am feeling this overwhelming emotion to the core, and am dangerously close to not wanting to let it go. I repeatedly remind myself that I want to go deep enough, but NOT get stuck there. I do not want to become so lost that I refuse to give up the emotions.

I soon force myself to invite the light to help. I do not feel anything spectacular, but I focus on peacefully and gradually raising my energetic vibration. I imagine myself walking up a flight of stairs into my crown, and with each step, I invite higher energies to either transmute the emotion, or possibly take me deeper into another layer.

Time To Leave

Eventually, I reach a state where I know it is time to leave the porch. I am doing well, and there are so many ongoing distractions that it is driving me crazy. It is clear that the ceremony itself has run to completion. Meanwhile, most people still stand around storytelling.

As I grab my stuff and begin to leave, I am still in deep release, wanting to run away from the triggers, knowing I can better process the remainder of this emotion in private. Before I get off the porch, one of the two women with whom I had worked at the beginning gives me a huge warm hug, and hangs on tight for at least five minutes.

“Don’t take this in,” I tell her through my tears.

I am fully aware that she is an empath not yet confident in moving energies, and that I am still releasing a lot of dense energy at this moment.

Then, the other woman I had helped joins the hug. I am still crying, still deep in the overwhelming childhood agony of rational mind overload. I recognize that just two years ago, I would have enjoyed most of the rational mind discussion and sidetracking. Today, it is still driving me crazy. I have changed so much, and right now, even though I deeply appreciate the hugs, I just want to get out of the triggering environment.

Being Gentle With Self

I cry repeatedly during the first half of my homebound walk. When I finally step through my balcony door, I am just numb … stable but numb. I clearly know that I am in a profound place, and that I am skillfully tiptoeing around the entry point to another God-drama loop. I am ominously aware of this fact, and the emotion that festers inside is quite tempting. As I listen to the feelings, they are screaming, “F#ck you light … I can’t do this … I won’t let this emotion go.”

But I DO want this emotion to come out, and am determined not to sink into that loop.

As I finish taking my notes for the day, I remain quite numb. I am afraid to go any deeper into the emotion. I know I might get lost. Even now, I am unable to bring in much light.

“I can only do what I can do,” I ponder something Keith told me earlier.

I begin hugging Bobby-bear, closing my eyes, and being gentle with myself, feeling the self-love. For a while, the emotion flows with intensity as I focus on nothing more than loving myself for having the courage to do what I am doing. Finally, the emotion settles and a nicer vibration fills my heart.

I have no rational mind validation for what happened today, but I believe that when I relaxed into the “new level of working with empath stuff,” that Keith had mentioned earlier – I believe that something new did open and expand, and that this expansion is now triggering additional density release. But in essence, I really have no clue at the mind level. I just trust and surrender that this emotion is coming up, so I need to feel it, without identifying with it, and let it flow through me to transmutation.

Giggling Duck Metaphors

Later, as I ponder on my pillow, feeling much more centered and balanced, I remember that when the two women were hugging me tightly at the end, one of them had said something about me to Keith.

“Isn’t she amazing,” Keith had responded to the women, referring to me. I love the indirect feedback. I am in a very good place, doing deep inner work. Yes, it sucks sometimes, but I AM doing it, and I AM feeling a huge difference now with every putrid emotional layer I release. I cannot wait to do more.

It has been an intense week of amazing growth, several times going down into deep frightening layers of emotional density, several times getting dangerously close to becoming lost and stuck in the drama, terrified to go further, balancing and tiptoeing on a treacherous tightrope.

After waking up on Friday, with another layer of this confusing density running through me, the “Ugly Duckling” metaphors graced me as if from out of nowhere. These beautiful metaphors filled the rest of the day with intense understanding of being a swan raised by people who did not even know what a swan was, nor did they have a clue how to raise one.

Never The Same

It is only in retrospect that I make sense of a crazy dream filled with life-threatening ice-and-snow avalanches. Those crushing barrages of chilling danger nearly killed me while everyone else in the dream stood around as if nothing even happened.

It was the ceremony on Sunday afternoon that brought clarity to the dream. An unusual and uncanny “personalized stage play” took me to the depths of triggered craziness as I explored the childhood agony of having my life dominated by people who repeatedly derailed any intuitive adventures into the heart – by people deeply conditioned to live in a duck world. Even the slightest attempt to talk about heart-based, right-brain, swan-like, energetic journeying caused them to bombard me with an avalanche of more energy-chilling debate, pulling me back to the conditioning level of ducks, refusing to allow me, or anyone else to venture into the forbidden worlds outside of mental logic and reason.

After this week, I will never think of the story of “The Ugly Duckling” from the same vantage point. I have always related to that story as a child, but never gave it much thought. The more I realize just how I truly am a swan – how we are all divine swans, each in our own way – the more I know I will never see anyone quite the same.

… to be continued …

Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “Giggles Of Spontaneity.”

Four late-morning vivid dreams remain prominently in my memory as I crawl out of bed on Sunday morning, April 28, 2013. None make much sense. One involved a huge scorpion while helping to set up Keith’s porch. The second involved an unexpected visit of an old friend, here in San Marcos – one who came to town but didn’t come to visit me. The third involved some people at a baseball stadium asking if I had had my heart checked. And in the fourth, I was at a hospital with a hurt left leg – yet the doctor would not help me. The last is so vivid that when I step out of bed at 7:00 a.m., I am quite surprised when I realize that my left leg is NOT injured.

The barrage of dreams leaves me clueless. I know the scorpion on Keith’s porch is symbolic of transformation and change. The friend visiting may be indicative of healing old social struggles. And the wounded heart and left-leg issues are both related to feminine/ intuitive/ right-brain energy connections, with the left leg likely representing my connection to the Divine Mother (earth).

One strange thing about the two body metaphors is that the heart dream involved bicycles and leaders from my former religion, implying that religious conditioning was still restricting the freedom of my heart, limiting my ability to continue on my journey. The leg injury involved a doctor refusing to help me, somehow implying that the healing I need is not a physical healing from the medical profession.

As interesting as the dreams are, I quickly set them aside as I spend a relaxed morning before hurrying off to Keith’s porch for yet-another Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony.

An Energetic Head Start

Around twelve people show up for this beautiful ceremony. I begin in a nice energy as I ponder recent writing about how my muscle clenching is related to my power blockages – to the power outages in my magical theme park. Intuitions tell me to focus on this theme as a meditative starting point. As I have done for several days, I focus on radiating a high vibration energy space while inviting Higher Energies to assist me in whatever is ready to let go.

During the first ninety minutes, even before the “Glow Meditation,” I experience a beautiful energy flow in my shoulder and forearms, as well as a little in the legs – something I have only occasionally felt in the past. I note that I again feel squeamys (squirming and screaming sensation at the cellular level) in my forearms, but am delighted to realize that I am no longer (at least today) feeling any associated panic. My heart overflows with love – lots of self-love for being exactly where I am in my process – loving and trusting that where I am is perfect.

Meanwhile, just as I did a couple of days ago, I invite metaphorical angels to help me further open blocked energy channels through lead walls, and cut wires. I do not get specific, choosing not to engage rational mind. Gradually, as I simply surrender and observe, I begin to experience an increase in fear. This emotion tells me that something is starting to move.

Confusing Emotional Intensity

As the group work eventually begins, Keith guides a friend through some beautiful empath work – the same friend I had magically assisted on Friday evening. My heart overflows with gratitude as I clearly see how my own former assistance contributes to this process.

Then Keith quickly jumps into guiding an unexpected group meditation – a pillar of light meditation that begins with first connecting to the energies of Mother Earth. I get quite emotional as I imagine the support of the Divine Mother anchored deep into the center of the earth as it lovingly rises through my lower chakras to embrace and hold my heart. Tears stream down my cheeks as I am deeply moved by this sensation of such divine love coming from a motherly source. It is only in retrospect that I recognize this as clearly related to two of my dreams this morning.

Then, Keith jumps into another group activity, doing an early empath training. I feel guided to follow along.

As the first stage of the experiential training begins, I again find myself feeling lots of love and energy flowing as soft vibrations encompass my heart. But suddenly, I feel deeply surprised by the level of fear and tears that surface, as if out of nowhere. The fears seem to be related to the terror of what is going to happen when I open to more of my empath magic – and the tears seem to stem from deep sadness being stirred up by an increased flow of higher love.

I sit with this intense flow of emotion throughout the training. It runs very deep. As tears continue to stream, I simply love myself … love my frightened inner child … doing so over and over. I repeatedly imagine myself holding a frightened little boy who is terrified of what will happen if even more of that dense, negative, emotional energy comes his way.

While continuing to direct all focus to self-love, I begin to wonder if perhaps I am scamming myself with this emotion. It makes no sense that I would be so emotional. I ponder the possibility that maybe I am bumping into a payoff of wanting to remain small and pathetic rather than choosing to fully embrace divine power. I continue to radiate and hold a high vibration state, but the emotional intensity remains confusing.

Overwhelming Self-Love

When the training concludes, I speak up, begging Keith for insight.

“Keith,” I ask with sincerity, “I am surprised by all the tears and deep emotion, and am wondering if you can help me understand what I am doing. Is this real emotion, or am I possibly scamming myself with God-drama resistance?”

“No,” Keith guides me with compassion. “You are not scamming yourself. What you are feeling is more self-love coming in, and it is overwhelming you. The tears are from feeling overwhelmed by the love.”

Keith talks to me for several minutes, during which he repeatedly emphasizes that I am allowing more love to flow into me, and that it is overwhelming at this stage of my process. As Keith soon moves on, I simply bask in this self-love – a process that is ongoing throughout the ceremony. I feel many new energies throughout my body, and those energies also feel quite intense and overwhelming. I also note that my shoulders are hurting a great deal.

“My shoulders were a huge defense against the energy flow to and from my heart,” I ponder with clarity. In fact, all of the pains I am feeling are related to resistance as I begin to drop those defenses, starting to allow more energy to flow through these forbidden places.”

I cycle for the rest of the ceremony, at times nearly drowning in the confusing emotions. I feel an incredible amount of self-love, but am simultaneously overwhelmed by sadness, fear, and even some anger. All of these emotions seem to swirl together. I watch and observe, not doing much of anything except feeling them, loving myself, and sitting in the confusion.

“What is happening?” rational mind frequently begs for silent validation. “Is this the right thing to be doing, just sitting here feeling intense emotions?”

A Confusing Surprise

Finally, at around 5:00 p.m., as the ceremony nears completion, Keith finishes a beautiful round of work with a new woman, and I glance up with a confused look on my face.

“You have a question?” Keith asks as he takes note of my puzzlement.

“Yeah,” I respond. “I am really confused by all the emotion I am feeling. I am feeling lots of self-love, but I am not happy. I am overwhelmed by so much different emotion.”

Before I say much more, Keith stops me and tells me that this is the confusion of my inner child – that it is a major piece of my God drama loop, and that it needs to be released. Keith adds that what I am feeling right now is the core essence behind my confusion pattern.

“Ask the confusion to get stronger,” Keith then guides me. “Lose yourself in it, and invite the light to help transmute it.”

“You mean confusion can be felt, released, and transmuted just like any other emotion?” I ask with surprise.

I love the idea. Prior to this moment, I have never thought of confusion as an emotion. Instead, I have been making the confusion wrong, resisting it, fighting it, refusing to surrender to it.

Surrendering To Confusion

As I close my eyes and go back into meditation, I ask the confusion to gradually strengthen … to take me … to consume me.

Ever so slowly, I feel more intense emotions swirling around inside of me. At one point, I begin to sob and dry heave. At that exact moment, at perhaps halfway through the first heave, I stop what I am doing and invite the Higher Energy to take and transmute this confusion. I now recognize the body metaphor of dry heaving as a signal that I have reached the bottom of a layer that wants to be thrown out of me.

After expressing this intent, I do everything I can to simply surrender, stepping out of rational mind, relaxing, and focusing on how I no longer want confusion to keep me safe and small. Rational mind continues to insist on doing a play-by-play description of what is happening, and repeatedly, I ask it to please stop, to please sit on the sidelines.

Over time, I begin to experience a great deal of tingling energy in the top of my head. It soon spreads to consume my entire head and shoulder regions before gently filtering down into my heart. As I simply observe, I note that the confusion I have been feeling gradually disappears.

I feel delighted that through the act of surrendering to the confusion – doing so with pure love – I actually feel the confusion dissipating. Gradually, a sensation of mild joy begins to come in, replacing the sad, angry, overwhelmed emotions that have filled me throughout the afternoon. Soon, I overflow with clarity, peace, calmness, and lightness.

A Frightened Child

“Can I share with you what I see?” Sufi leans over and whispers in my ear as people start to leave the porch.

“Yes, please,” I respond with curiosity.

Sufi then tells me that she sees me as being extremely close to opening up some amazing magic and power.

“I see a very frightened child in you,” Sufi then shares. “She is terrified, remembering what happened the last time you had this magic. She is in huge panic of going any further with this opening process.”

In an ongoing conversation, Sufi strongly recommends that I proceed with an approach that loves that child with pure compassion, moving forward at a gradual pace so as not to traumatize her.

I explain to Sufi that I agree with her one-hundred percent – that her words are exactly in line with what I see myself doing, moving gently forward with my inner child. I recognize that fear is the reason we shut down in the first place. I don’t plan to stop, but will also not jump forward too rapidly. Instead, I plan to hold space, following a divinely orchestrated flow, trusting my Higher Self to set the pace.

“Hold your child tightly in your arms, giving her loving assurance while continuing to go forward.” Sufi follows up with more guidance.

I giggle as she models this behavior by holding Bobby-bear in her arms. I have been doing precisely that, holding Bobby-bear safely in my arms every time we take another step into scary territory.

Sufi then shares another metaphor that she has visually seen as she meditated with me. She tells me that she saw me skirting around the edge of a large roundish area – an area that could be a small pond, a skating rink, or some type of energy vortex.

“You wanted to go inside the area,” Sufi shares what she has seen. “And you kept testing the insides, but your little child was terrified to go in.”

“Inside that area is clarity, awareness, energy sensitivity, and new magic,” Sufi finishes sharing her inspired insights.

Backwards Teachings

As I briefly corner Keith after the ceremony, he congratulates me for a job well done.

“You let a major portion of the confusion go today,” Keith shares his own insight.

For a few minutes, we again rehash my surprise at the understanding that confusion is an actual emotional energy that can be processed and released, and that we actually have to go into it and feel it in order to release it. I reiterate that all along, I have been resisting and fighting the confusion.

“This is exactly what society teaches,” Keith confirms. “We are all taught not to go into these things, that they are bad, and that we need to fight them.”

“Duh,” I begin to ponder. “Confusion … chaos … and similar states are all emotions that I need to release by going into them … not by making them wrong.”

As I walk home, I am quite proud of myself for having done exactly that today. I am surprised by how, upon deeply feeling the confusion, that I actually hit the dry-heaving reflex just like I do with other emotions.

The closer I get to my home, the more I begin to experience new levels of happy and joyful feelings. I hold little Bobby-bear to my heart as I slowly walk. Several times, the new happier emotions are so intense that I actually begin to cry. As I step through my door, I feel like a new person.

A Panic-Filled Terror

I am anything but happy and joyful as I wake up on Monday morning. I am overflowing with a weird energy – a heavy and deeply sad emotion that makes no sense. As I attempt to meditate, the squeamys in my arms and legs suddenly swarm with intense panic and terror – unexpected emotion so overwhelming that it is frightening.

I know this cellular emotion is related to the opening of new energy channels, and that the absolute shaking panic that I am experiencing is surrounding the inner child terror of actually opening up energy flows that once caused what felt like life-threatening chaos in my life as a tiny child.

“This is exactly what Sufi and I talked about yesterday,” I ponder with clarity.

I focus on loving myself precisely where I am, on loving my frightened inner child for having the courage to make this gradual, gentle journey with me. I know better than to push, and simply sit in this loving knowing while the intense emotion continues to flow.

A Baby Monster

Still overwhelmed by the emotion (but not buying into it), I call a dear friend back home, spending two hours in deep tear-filled conversation. Giving me yet another metaphor to work with, my friend tells me that as she connects to my guides, that she is seeing me as being pregnant with a magical inner child – an energetic baby that is very close to being born.

“The pregnancy is bringing up all kinds of fright,” my friend tells me.

She then shares another visual that she is getting, telling me that I am seeing this magical baby as being a frightening monster, with horrific, sharp, biting, piranha teeth – and that as I proceed, I am feeling terrified that that baby is going to eat me alive.

While I do not fully resonate with the metaphor itself, I clearly see that I am being given another beautiful way to envision what I am presently doing in my process. The metaphors are spot on with the state of my process and the insane fears raging through me.

Trusted Security Guards

After reluctantly needing to end my beautiful Skype call, I rush over to Keith’s porch, smiling, feeling confident and happy, being determined to trust the light and to keep going with embracing the light shadow, even in spite of the intense fear. I arrive ten minutes later than normal, but still manage to set up the porch before the afternoon workgroup ceremony gets underway.

But as the chocolate is served, I am again losing myself in strong emotional energy. It makes no sense to me as I struggle to maintain composure, trying not to sink back into deep tears.

As I sit and quietly meditate, I ask my Higher Self to assist me in whatever way might be appropriate. Meanwhile I focus on filling myself with love and peace, attempting to hold a High Energy space for myself and others. It is my intent and desire to further unclog more of my energy channels – perhaps transmuting more of the densities at the blockage points – perhaps working with those blockage areas as aspects of self that need my love and a new job description.

I begin with the latter, imagining my clenched areas as being trusted security guards – parts of me faithfully doing their job to keep the energies from flowing. I soon invite all of these security guards to join me in an inner conference room.

An Intense Confusing Mix

Meanwhile, Keith focuses intensive attention on a woman who is on the porch for the first time. He asks several of the magical regulars to assist in holding space for her, but does not ask me because he can tell I am in my own process.

I have managed to get myself into a flow of Higher Energy, but I also have an intense flow of fear and terror coming through me. I am confused. I am not sure if I need to remain in the Higher Energies and ask my guides for some type of expansion, or if I need to allow myself to go deeper into the emotions. I am trying to follow, but for now, I do not feel much guidance.

At times, I feel a slight hunch to briefly go into the emotion, and at other times, I feel guided to pull back, returning to the Higher Energies. I seem to be tiptoeing through an obstacle course, a little off balance, and very confused.

I am up and down, one moment in tears and the next in higher vibrations. It is a weird mix of energy, combined with a great deal of fear and terror.

Congratulations And Abandonment

“Brenda, how are you doing?” Keith briefly interrupts his work across the porch.

“I don’t think I am taking in any emotion from her process,” I refer to the woman with whom Keith is currently working. “I feel as if I am doing my own thing. I am feeling lots of terror.”

After Keith checks his own guidance, he soon tells me that he agrees with my assessment, and tells me that what I am doing right now is good, encouraging me to stay the course.

“Brenda,” Keith interrupts a while later. “Congratulations are in order for not being a sponge today … for not slurping anything up and bringing it inside you.”

As I listen to Keith’s unexpected words, I clearly understand that he is referring to me being an empath, and is deeply congratulating me for not bringing in any of the huge amounts of emotional density that the woman across the porch is presently releasing.

“Thanks,” I respond before returning to my process.

Keith says nothing more at this time, and leaves me mostly alone as I work confidently on my own process for the remainder of the ceremony.

I do not recognize it yet, but over time, I begin to feel deeply annoyed by feelings of abandonment. I am observing as many others receive deep compassionate assistance from Keith, while I seem to be getting ignored, blah, blah, blah. The observation bothers me, but I pull the emotions back inside, knowing that abandonment feelings are part of my God-drama processing – part of my childhood tantrum being played out. I attempt to simply ignore these feelings, forcing myself back to following the other threads of my process.

God-Drama Compassion

As the new woman continues in deep agonizing release, much of what she is doing triggers similar repressed emotions in me (and in many others). But I clearly know that the emotions I feel are my own. This woman is simply giving me permission to ride her wave.

At times, I bend forward in sobs. Other times I am in the light. Sometimes I feel like screeching and wailing (tightly synchronized with the woman’s process) – but I do not allow myself to go there. Instead, I feel the emotions deeply and then ask the light to assist and to show me what is next.

Keith does beautiful work with nearly everyone else, and I remain confidently trudging away on my own, out of the picture, doing my own thing. Then Keith turns to Catherine, who is struggling in deep emotional pain surrounding God-drama issues. I perk up and observe with great interest because of my ongoing confusing issues with her triggers onto me.

At the depth of her process, Keith tells Catherine that what she is now feeling is the intense agony of the two sides of her God drama, along with all the intense emotions behind it. I would not be writing about this at all, were it not for what Keith says next, and for my own confusing process that unfolds as a result.

“This experience will help you have compassion for others in this place,” Keith coaches Catherine. “It will help you understand and have compassion for Brenda who has been deeply stuck in this place for most of the last year.”

“This doesn’t have anything to do with all my triggers with Brenda,” Catherine blurts back with an argumentative tone.

As these words leave Catherine’s lips, I sting with anger at her blatant denial of what both Keith and I clearly recognize. I know Keith to be right, but as he usually does when someone argues with him, Keith changes subjects and says nothing more about the issue.

Feeling To The Bottom

I am totally caught off guard by Keith involving me in this process.

In recent months, I have been fine with disengaging from Catherine’s process – fine with the realization that I have no power over her opinion of me – fine with accepting the fact that I need not concern myself with her process or how it affects me. Ever since a profound transparency experience a few months ago in which she attacked me and I was able to genuinely giggle in confident response, she has been mostly a non-factor in my process. Until now, that is.

At first, I sit in denial, attempting to remain transparent to what just transpired. But I soon realize that intense anger is boiling inside – anger at how I have felt repeatedly victimized by her unjust attacks on me, especially since I know with integrity that my heart has been nothing but pure throughout our tense interactions.

I clearly recognize this as a repeat drama in my life. I know that my emotions are not about Catherine, that they are not about the surface-level events that have transpired between us, and that nothing changes until I do.

But in this moment, I feel deeply stuck, victimized, helpless … and ANGRY. Remembering recent processing and deep flashes of understanding, I realize that I can no longer push this emotion down and just try to figure it out in my rational mind. It has become increasingly obvious over the last few weeks that the real way to heal this is to allow myself to go down into the emotions – to actually feel them to the bottom – and to then surrender them to the light.

Clouded By Resistance

With fear and reluctance, I give myself permission to go beneath the surface of the anger – to actually feel it. I go deeper, deeper, deeper, and deeper, all the while feeling angrier, angrier, angrier, and angrier.

Soon, I begin to dry heave and bend forward in intense, overwhelming sobs. The anger I am feeling right now is all consuming.

“You’re doing really well, Brenda,” Keith unexpectedly speaks to me from across the porch. “Now, bring in the light.”

I try for a few seconds, and immediately realize I am profoundly lost in the story of what I am feeling.

“I’m trying to invite the light, but I am so deep in the emotion that I don’t want to,” I explain my confusion, glancing at Keith with a look of shock at the level of what I am feeling.

Over the course of the several minutes, I repeatedly try to invite the light, but the emotions I feel are so intense, that I defiantly and rebelliously do NOT want to let that “effing light” anywhere near to me. It seems that I have accessed a putrid reservoir at the very core of my God-drama anger – of my refusal to cooperate with Higher Energies.

Still hanging on to a thread of being the observer, I explore this rebellious anger toward the light, giving myself free permission to feel whatever is blocking me. Finally, a few minutes later, I sit up on my cushion, literally force myself to meditatively invite the light, and then do everything in my power to surrender the horrendous anger that I am feeling. Repeatedly I tell myself things like “This is not really me … this is old stuff that is now just running through me … I don’t want this putrid emotion in me anymore … I want to surrender this and give it up.”

Huge resistance continues to cloud the process.

Figuring Things Out

Gradually, during the remainder of the ceremony, I begin to feel increasing traces of light coming in, trickling into my body, working with my heart. After about thirty minutes, I feel as if most of the anger has dissipated. The rest takes time as the level of light inches upward. Finally, I begin to feel the sensation of mild happiness, but I never even come close to full-on joy.

At this point, I simply observe Catherine’s behavior from afar. I watch as she engages in boisterous celebration for the work she did, while still continuing to ignore what Keith tried to tell her – while still watching her intentionally avoid all eye contact with me. I would love to just smile at her, congratulate her, and patch things up between us, but she will not even glance in my direction.

Again, I feel annoyed and triggered. I know I am feeling deep emotions from a lifetime pattern – one that has repeated several times, beginning in childhood. I really want to heal this pattern, and I would love to spend twenty minutes alone with Keith trying to understand more about what I do, and why my relationship with Catherine remains so stressed. I simply want to ask for advice on what I should or should not do – asking if there might be something I should be aware of regarding what is, or is not going on behind my back. I just know that what I am doing is not working, and I want to figure this out. (Oops, I am in my head again.)

Begging For Help

As the porch dissolves into an hour of meaningless chatter, Keith steps down into the garden. I assume he will return soon, so I just sit quietly on my cushion, hoping for a mere twenty minutes alone to understand what I might be missing in this confusing situation. We have finished the ceremony very early, so I cannot imagine any possible reason why Keith could not sacrifice twenty minutes to talk with me.

Finally, at 5:15 p.m., I walk down to the garden, realizing that Keith is not returning to the crowded, noisy porch.

When I ask for twenty minutes, Keith initially tells me he is too busy, and that maybe we could talk later in the week.

“I really need to talk alone, about something I cannot talk about on the porch,” I beg Keith to reconsider. “It is something that is really confusing, and I don’t know what to do.”

My heart is pure and innocent, but I have to admit that I am coming from a deep emotion of resentment – from a place of feeling ignored and abandoned.

I perceive that Keith seems quite impatient with me, and I feel slammed for simply making a request to talk about what, for me, is a painful issue – one I have completely handled by myself for most of the last year. I simply want to talk to a compassionate listening ear, to someone that can give me loving advice, to someone who knows both sides of the story.

Lost In A Loop

“You don’t need help with this,” Keith tells me early on, in a tone that I feel like is slamming me. “You know what to do. You already know how to do this.”

“Are you saying that as a compliment?” I grumble with curiosity.

In a tense, beating-around-the-bush manner, Keith essentially tells me, “Yes.”

“It really sucks to not need help,” I respond, feeling deeply abandoned, ignored, and rejected.

“Brenda, you are in your God drama big time,” Keith tells me in what I perceive as a stern, condescending voice.

He quickly reminds me of my childhood tantrums with my mother, and tells me that I have now gone down into that loop again. As I push the issue, insisting that I want and deserve some compassionate help, Keith tells me that helping me right now would be enabling me – nothing but fixing me, causing temporary relief at the rational mind level, but then I will be right back here again. I strongly disagree … but I clearly recognize that I AM lost in a God drama tantrum loop.

Painful Projections And Drama

In an effort to own my projections, I will not share much more of the story from a negative light. In retrospect, I clearly see that I was deeply lost in a God drama loop, and at the time, I felt justified in my anger. I had cornered Keith, pushing him to help me, when his guidance told him otherwise. I provoked a painful confrontation, and he lovingly obliged, playing his role in that encounter. I was not at all happy with Keith’s responses, and I repeatedly pushed the issue.

Over the course of this short arguing conversation, Keith attempts to remind me of various points that I would clearly understand during times when I am not lost in the depths of a tantrum.

First, he tells me that this entire experience is my creation. At one level, I am able to own this, but the tantrum in me fights back, wanting to project blame onto Keith. I do not want to own that I have any responsibility for a situation that I believe to be the result of HIS behavior and not mine.

Next, Keith lovingly points out that his teachers did not cut him any slack in his process. He tells me that when he was playing out the same old looping energy over and over again (as I am doing now), that his teachers firmly pointed it out to him and gave him no wiggle room.

In the midst of this, I repeatedly argue and take emotional jabs at Keith. I am lost in the emotion of feeling abandoned, ignored, rejected, not helped, and miss-accused. I am determined to defend myself, and I make several painful arguments that I later wish I could withdraw and take back. I want to blame Keith for my emotional state, but he is simply playing along with my drama in his own way, for whatever motivation I do not know.

An Inside Job

Keith then turns the conversation back to the validating side, reminding me of his earlier conversation with Catherine, letting me know that he and I both know he was right when he pointed out her need to use her experience today to find compassion for me and others who are in their own God-drama stuckness. He clarifies that he told her the truth once, but she rejected it, and he did not push. These unexpected words calm me, pulling me back to feeling slightly listened-to and validated. I really needed to hear that.

I clearly see how I too have resisted and argued with Keith many times, and I can only imagine all of the missed guidance I have let pass by when I was unable to hear … like right now for instance.

“Keith,” I finally beg, “the only thing I wanted to know when I first asked for some time is whether you might have any recommendations of something I should be aware of … as to whether there is something I might say or do to initiate a discussion with Catherine that might help resolve her triggers onto me.”

“Brenda,” Keith asks firmly, but compassionately. “What do you already know about your lifelong experience with trying to work things out at the level they seem to be about?”

“I always ended up digging a hole and making things worse in the relationship,” I respond with humble acknowledgment.

“So there is nothing I should try to say or do to heal my relationship with Catherine?” I ask for clarification.

“Absolutely not,” Keith guides me with firmness.

He then coaches me that such a course of action would be a bad approach, reminding me that it is all an inside job, beautifully playing out in the form of a prominent repeat life drama for me. He strongly emphasizes what I often teach to others, that I need to heal this on the inside, period!

“Until you do it inside,” Keith reminds me, “you will continue to manifest more such opportunities on the outside.”

A Rampant Storyteller

As I prepare to leave the garden, Keith shows a little genuine compassion, acknowledging my painful place, and how hard it is at this stage of my journey.

I feel numb, shell-shocked. I know I am deep in a God-drama loop, but continue to swirl in all-consuming, heavy, dense, negative emotions. The storyteller in me rages, still wanting to project blame onto Keith. What I am feeling inside remains too intense to own as my own.

About halfway home, I feel guided to start loving myself again, to fill myself with self-compassion, self-love, and self-patience for being stuck, lost, and frustrated.

Still, the angry storyteller in me talks up a storm, running rampantly and stirring up all kinds of inner anguish that wants to be projected every which way. The stories are intense, creating all kinds of worst-case scenarios, demanding that I do this or that, blah, blah, blah.

A friend stops by to check on me, and we talk for three hours. We are both attempting to resolve pain and guidance issues etc, but we are doing it with words and sympathy. By the time she goes home at 10:30 p.m., I feel horrible, deeply lost in a self-destructive, self-defeating hole, hating myself. I do not ask my friend to validate any of my stories. On the contrary, I own that they are all MY drama, I even ask her not to believe anything I say, repeatedly emphasizing that I am merely trying to sort through the craziness. Yet, even just trying to talk about the emotions causes me to sink lower and lower.

As I prepare for bed, I want to dig a hole, pull the lid over, and sob for weeks. I am tired of this hard-bus growth – and am clearly in a space where I own these as MY issues – as MY God-drama tantrum. I want to heal the emotions. Nevertheless, the incessant story teller rages on, and sleep eludes me until well after 3:00 a.m..

Numb And Disconnected

Tuesday morning, the last day of April, I wake up still drowning in weird, heavy, emotional energy. It is obvious that I am not capable of writing today.

I am lost and confused, having no motivation for anything. Rather than fight the emotion, I surrender, trying to love myself in the midst of every emotion.

By mid-morning, I am bringing in a nicer energy, feeling somewhat better, but still quite nonfunctional. I am determined to let go of the anger, to surrender it to the light. I am tired of being lost in emotion that could so easily be given up. I clearly recognize how, right now, I have given away all of my power, not wanting to own that it is my responsibility to solve my issues on the inside.

But still, I feel incapable of fully releasing the angry emotions. Rather than fuel them any further, I engage in the only thing I have been able to do throughout my life. I isolate myself and watch video after video, not thinking about anything in the present, letting things settle while my mind is unwinding via movies.

Exhausted, but still unable to sleep, I stay up till nearly midnight, finally falling asleep, still feeling quite numb and disconnected.

Lost In The Loop

Finally, on Wednesday morning (the first day of May) I wake up with a little more hopeful clarity, fully owning that I have been lost in another betrayal loop – fully able to begin letting go of the inner pain projected outward.

I now clearly realize that on Monday, at the end of the ceremony, before talking to Keith, I was already deep in an emotional loop. With a clear mind, I can now see that if I had been transparent and in my loving power, I would not have felt even the slightest need to seek out Keith’s guidance. He was right that I did not need his help, and just like I did with my mother (when I was a child), I provoked him from a state of demanding assistance for a situation that could not be solved through talking.

The more I tried to solve my emotions at the rational-mind talking level, the deeper I dug the hole. I am now actually quite grateful for how Keith handled the situation – for how he did NOT enable me by allowing me to project blame outside of myself.

What it really boils down to is that on Monday, I consciously and intentionally went into that anger. I wanted to heal it, and knew that I needed to feel it before it could be transmuted. But as I felt it to the bottom, I got lost in the angry emotion, plain and simple. It was an educational experience, one I hope to never repeat – but I love myself for having had the courage to do it and come out the other end as quickly as I have.

New Beginnings

I am in a nice, peaceful energy as I arrive and set up the porch for a Wednesday afternoon public chocolate ceremony. It is another large group, with around twenty-five people at the peak. During the first few hours, Keith and I do not interact, but I am happy, in a very good place, and I do not need help.

I remain focused on my healing, on owning my power, my joy, and my responsibility to let go of the victim stuff. I profoundly understand that this is all work that no one else can do for me. The victim energies are still knocking at my door, but at least for now, I am paying them no attention.

I don’t know how to get where I am going, but I am on a journey, and I trust and love where I am at. During the “Glow Meditation,” I feel nice energy. As I further invite and fill with Higher Energies, I begin to experience stomach pains. Intuitions clearly tell me that the pains are from reading the energy of others. Repeatedly, I invite Higher Energies to fill and assist me, with my intention being to further open my arms, belly, heart, and all clenched areas in my body.

Not much happens during these first few hours. I want to transmute this victim stuff, but progress is slow.

Giving Is Receiving

Soon, the young woman seated next to me tells Keith that she is really hurting in her belly.

“Aha,” I think to myself, “it is her energy that I am reading.”

I begin to focus on sharing energy with this young woman. I hold my hands to radiate energy, but I do not touch her. I simply hold space, asking my Higher Self to coordinate with her Higher Self, helping her receive (through me) whatever is in her highest good.

“Sharing energy is a great way to empower my own heart,” I ponder memories of past experiences.

Soon, I notice a woman across the porch who is whimpering, and I begin to direct my energy in her direction as well. In fact, she later gives me a beautiful compliment telling me that she felt my energy helping her, from all the way across the porch.

In fact, I share energy with several others as well, doing so with only my intent, remaining in the comfort of my own seat.

Gradually, as I focus on this giving to others, I begin to feel stronger, more energized, more alive, and more free. The tingles in my hands and the vibrations in my heart are all the feedback I need.

I still have no clue where I am headed today. I am merely following the flow of my process, trusting that I will be taken where I need to go.

An Empath Victim

Soon, a young woman across the porch begins to talk about her struggles with taking in the emotions of others. Keith mentions that he is not guided to an empath training today, but he does lead a beautiful discussion regarding the life struggles and issues of being an empath who was born in a world that did not even believe such concepts were possible. After a beautiful thirty-minute overview conversation, Keith turns to a friend and asks her to talk about being an empath. I find this strange and unusual. I have never seen Keith do this before or since.

This friend gives a beautiful summary of her life, spending a little time talking about how she has struggled to overcome the victim consciousness because of what happened to her as an empathic child.

“Bingo,” I suddenly ponder in silence. “This is MY issue. I have spent my life feeling victimized, misunderstood, misinterpreted, and then slammed for trying to defend myself – all because I was an unknowing empath, drowning in the emotions.”

“I still feel deeply victimized by that,” I ponder with excitement. “And I have been playing this victim role with others ever since.”

“Brenda has a deep journey with being an empath too,” Keith suddenly interjects back into the conversation.

For a few minutes, Keith briefly shares some of my own journey, explaining how difficult it has been to sort out the childhood trauma and struggles that resulted from profoundly feeling and taking in the emotions of others. I smile and thank Keith for acknowledging my struggles.

Right now, I am deep in the mental exploration of my own life of victim consciousness.

An Inspired Tantrum

Soon, I realize that rather than just understand this victim stuff, I need to feel it. I need to go down into the anger and other emotions behind it. This is a huge layer of density that still influences my life. It needs to go.

As I ponder this daunting task, I reflect back to Monday, fearfully remembering how when I intentionally went into the anger that I had been triggered and ended up stuck in a deep God-drama loop.

“I do not want to repeat that,” I ponder with determined clarity. “But I know I have to feel this emotion in order to transmute it.”

As I meditatively search for a safer and easier way to release this anger, I feel guided to invite an angry part of me to join me in my inner conference room. As I do so, I begin to feel a tightness in my heart – a tightness that I recognize as belonging to me as an angry wounded child. Memories then whisk me back to an experience that I had on the porch a few weeks ago – an experience where I had silently screamed for hours, sending the emotional energy through an imagined tube connected to an angel.

Putting all these intuitions and feelings together, I ask my angry child to throw a tantrum at the top of her lungs. As I imagine this intense scene unfolding in my inner conference room, I feel myself sitting in that room, radiating with Higher Energy, holding space while receiving the painful emotional energy, and sending it on for transmutation. I deeply feel the emotions of that wounded child as she screams and kicks her arms and legs – but I do not identify with the emotions as being me, I simply feel the energy and pass it on.

Basking In The Flow

As this inner process unfolds, I begin to feel delightful Higher Energies filling my heart. What a welcome relief!

When I began holding space for the child, the emotional pain of this anger was in my solar plexus. I am quite surprised as the pains start to move, rising upward. In my mind, intuitions guide me to imagine those emotional densities flowing to my throat. It takes a while, but gradually, ever so slowly the emotional energy does just that. By the time it gets to my heart and throat, it has been transformed into delightful tingles – vibrating tingles that then spread to other places as well.

As I bask in the magical flow, I suddenly realize that my entire belly feels dead, not participating in this process at all. While focusing attention to this area, the energy gradually begins to flow downward as well.

By now, I am in a really nice energy – feeling more joy, still feeling a little heaviness, but with no remaining traces of anger or betrayal energies. I bask in this beautiful state until the very end of the ceremony. As the ceremony begins to break up, two of the new women on the porch come over, sit with me for a while, and engage in beautiful, connecting conversation, telling me how much I helped them today.

It is during these final conversations that I feel the final blockages dissolve in my belly. I feel so much lighter that I am giggling. I am so peaceful that I just do not want to leave.

The Next Piece

“Am I missing anything in my process today?” I ask Keith as he returns to the porch and sits down in his chair.

Before Keith answers, I apologize for my behavior on Monday, and acknowledge that I was obviously in another deep God-drama loop when I had left the porch that day.

“I realize now that I had triggered overwhelming awareness of a huge layer of victim consciousness,” I add more insights about what happened Monday, and then today.

“That is why you needed to do the loop,” Keith congratulates me. “You needed to discover that next piece of your journey.”

I love how Keith is so transparent that he can allow me to project all over him, not being offended by my behavior, and not enabling it – just allowing me to go through it, trusting that I will come out the other end when I am ready.

Keith then answers my original question, telling me that he has checked in with my energies many times today, and that he keeps getting that I am doing really well, and that there is nothing for him to say or add.

I take Keith’s words as a beautiful compliment – one that I totally trust. I know I am following guidance, doing beautiful work, and I feel great.

A Surprise Scorpion

Later Wednesday evening, after taking notes and gobbling down a quick simple dinner, I feel happy and energized at one level, but at the physical level, I am utterly exhausted. I start to watch a movie, but in less than ten minutes, I turn my computer off and retire to my room, unable to keep my eyes open. Because it is only 7:00 p.m., I decide to sit on a pillow and just meditate into the tiredness. A few minutes later, I glance up and see movement on my porch.

My friend Sufi has unexpectedly arrived. Feeling reenergized, I open the door, invite her in, and proceed to engage in a magical four-hour conversation. In the course of the evening, we start talking about how I have recently considered the possibility of traveling to Peru or possibly Ecuador.

“But I would have to be in a place without lots of scorpions and tarantulas,” I joke with Sufi.

Suddenly, five seconds later, I glance at the wall above my window and see a large scorpion crawling out from behind a straw mat that serves as a window curtain. Giggling and grinning at the huge synchronicity, I grab an empty peanut butter jar, capture the magical scorpion, and safely secure the lid. Tomorrow, I will release the magical creature into the wild.

Finally, in a state of beautiful energy, I rest my head on my pillow just after 11:30 p.m.. I am still exhausted, but very happy … and still giggling about the scorpion. It was just shy of two years ago that a very similar scorpion stung me three times, magically influencing my process. (See blogs, “A Scorpion Saga,” published May 23, 2011, and a follow-up, “Synchronous Scorpion Symbolism,” published June 14, 2011.)

An Explosive Journey

Who would have thought that those four vivid-but-disconnected dreams on Sunday morning would synchronously pull themselves together in a beautiful healing journey?

Why, I would, of course.

It has been a beautiful four days of profound healing, filled with wild extremes and amazing, transformative growth.

Sunday brought deep flows of loving support from the Divine Mother energies, causing my heart to swirl with a confusing mix of love, deep sadness, and fear, As I explored the confusion with Keith, I was shocked to learn that confusion is an actual energy that can be felt and released, just like any other emotion.

And then there were beautiful metaphors from two different friends, emphasizing to me how close I am to huge transformation and growth – and emphasizing how much fear continues to hold me back – fear that the expanding magic will eat me alive if I go too fast.

Monday, after waking up in a weird, heavy, sad, frightened-child energy, I cycled wildly in those energies throughout most of the afternoon ceremony – cycling in the confusing craziness of feeling both congratulated and abandoned, all at the same time. Then an unexpected setup lit the fuse of more explosive growth, as I struggled with pain regarding the dilemma of how, or what to do, regarding the confusing triggers of a struggling friendship. As I allowed myself to feel the repressed anger behind the situation, I felt it so deeply that I refused to let it go – so deeply that I argued with Keith, wallowed in storytelling misery, and isolated myself for nearly thirty-six hours.

Wednesday, after having finally returned to clarity, I embarked on a magical journey, exploring new territories of victim consciousness – a journey taking me to safer, more fun ways of releasing frightening whirlpools of emotional density – dangerous traps that could easily suck me into a bottomless loop if not handled with Higher Energy support.

Dreams Come True

Wow, have I ever grown, in so many ways – so synchronously predicted by those four disjointed dreams from Sunday morning.

I did indeed delve deeply into the exploration of wounded hearts, and injured connections to the energies of Mother Earth, filling myself with massive amounts of self-love while healing long-forgotten, tear-inducing connections to the loving support of that feminine mother energy. And just as that injured-left-leg dream implied, the healing was not to come from physical sources.

And the deepest agony of wanting to heal social wounds with an old friend – well that was magically triggered by innocent comments during the inner work of such a friend. And attempts to seek counsel and healing at a rational mind level simply served to set me up for another layer of profound, transformative growth – a layer that took me to the bottom and back again – a layer dealing with deep victim consciousness that originated with the confusing chaos of being an empathic child in a world that did not believe such things to be possible.

And what can I say, when the four day adventure is topped off by a magical visit from a synchronous scorpion – one who graced the wall above my living room window at precisely the moment when the word scorpion came off my lips in a conversation with Sufi.

Yes indeed, in magical ways, those four dreams did come true, bringing huge transformation and growth in the process. And with every transformation of my heart, I grow ever closer to freely and passionately living the dreams of my heart.

… to be continued …

Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “An Expanding Toolbox.”

As the concerts and festivities of the annual town Feria reach full swing, another valuable tool is utilized from my expanding toolbox – one called earplugs. After a late night of feeling as if I were on the front row of a rock concert, I wake up at 7:15 a.m. with those earplugs still dutifully performing their job. I have slept remarkably soundly considering the concert vibrations that shook my apartment walls last night.

After a relaxed Wednesday morning, April 24, 2013, I walk through extremely crowded and noisy streets filled with vendors who have migrated to the small Mayan village of San Marcos La Laguna, eagerly hawking their assorted wares. The narrow cobblestone streets are so crowded that I must dodge and dance around this person and that, slowly working my way to the less crowded road that meanders to the eastern edge of town, and to Keith’s porch.

An Obvious Setup

As I sit waiting for the public chocolate ceremony to start, I giggle inside as I take note of a very unusual-but-obvious pattern. Of the twenty-three people crowding onto this tiny porch today, most are here for the first time, and seventeen of them are men. It is a very unusual mix of people. A quick perceptive glance intuitively whispers that a majority of those present, including some of the women, are very resistant and stuck in their rational minds. I cannot say how I know this, I just do.

“This is going to be a very unique chocolate ceremony,” I silently giggle, recognizing that there must be a magical reason for such an obvious setup.

During the usual introductory “Glow Meditation,” I begin to experience very heavy pains in my solar plexus. As I check in with my heart, I am quite clear that I what I feel in my belly comes from reading the emotions of others. Even though the pain is very real, my heart is open, I am quite happy, and intuitions repeatedly tell me that the pain is not mine.

Later, as Keith addresses the group, generically talking about how some people on the porch today are very stuck, I briefly mention what I feel in my upper abdomen, asking Keith for confirmation of what I already know – that I am simply reading this emotion by feeling it in my own body.

“Oh yeah,” Keith responds confidently. “There is a very pronounced solar plexus heaviness on the porch today.”

Peaked Interest

Somewhere in this first hour, I begin to experience a strong headache at the center of my forehead. Initially, I believe this pain to be mine – perhaps an energetic blockage getting my attention, or maybe something trying to open. But as I meditatively sit down with the pain, pondering deeper, I get the clear feeling that this pain does not belong to me either – that it is also coming from reading the emotions of others.

“You ARE reading it,” Keith confirms when I soon ask about my third eye headache. “Someone on the porch today has a very powerful third eye … but they are putting out massive negative energy with it, and that is what you are picking up on.”

“Brenda is a powerful person who works at the group level, feeling the pains of others in her body,” Keith then surprises me by addressing the group.

It seems that today I am being set up for more experience in this area, and as Keith continues to educate others with ongoing conversation about group empaths, I take it as profound validation of what I am doing, and of what may be about to happen.

I am in very high energy, and my interest is peaked.

Powerful Tantrums

Very soon, Keith speaks gently-but-bluntly to a man who defiantly ignores every word out of Keith’s mouth, repeatedly not responding to direct questions and statements. After a few minutes of one-sided conversation, Keith then speaks to the whole group.

“There are a couple of people on the porch today with very powerful energy,” Keith speaks to us all, “but they are in tantrum rebellious mode, strangling the energy of the group, pulling it down for everyone.”

I am glad it is not me having to speak those words – words that resonate for me as solid truth. Keith indicates that he rarely does this, but makes it clear that he is very close to asking a couple of people to leave.

Again, Keith confronts the man who completely ignored him before, telling the man that he is locked in an inner child tantrum – that his energy is blocked at the neck, and that he is refusing to get in touch with his heart.

As I observe with heightened curiosity, I begin to realize that the man to whom Keith is talking is the one who is knowingly (or perhaps unknowingly) attacking the group energy, refusing to engage, pulling the energy down. Through it all, this man never acknowledges Keith’s words, never verbally responding in any way – but he does calm down a little.

“Brenda,” Keith asks a while later, “can you feel a difference in the group energy now?”

“Yeah,” I respond with surprise as I check in with my body. “My solar plexus is a lot more relaxed, and so is my forehead.

To my surprise, however, within a minute of sharing this feedback with Keith, those two painful areas again ramp up in intensity.

A Perfect Play

Through this all, I realize that I am observing a beautiful external mirror. Just yesterday, I wrote “Stories About Stories,” talking about a beautiful experience where I was given a glimpse of grace – an experience where personality stories were temporarily lifted from my experience – an experience that endured for several days.

I see the events on the porch today as an incredible stage play, personally acting out for me the nature of stuck, dysfunctional, oppressive, angry, rational-minded, dominant, tantrum-throwing, controlling, distorted masculine energy.

“And it is a beautiful opportunity for me to be transparent,” I ponder with a giggle. “It is an opportunity to embrace my loving power, joy, and light shadow, while recognizing that this same distorted masculine energy still dominates much of my inner reality.”

I focus on this opportunity as I go inside and imagine myself taking an elevator … higher … higher … up … up … up into the clouds … into the eighth chakra.

As I do so, I experience tingling beautiful energy at a physical level, but still no relief from the pains in my solar plexus and forehead. I am fine, however. I remain unattached to the events. I see everything around me as perfect.

Renewed Space Trampling

Except for the occasional comment, the porch remains extremely quiet. Only two of the seventeen men speak up and ask for guidance – and one of them does so in writing because he himself is in silence. Keith briefly speaks to a third man, commenting on a very nice energy flow that he has in his crown.

But the rest of the men and women just sit and say absolutely nothing – appearing bored, angry, defiant, rebellious, numb, stuck, or disinterested.

You name it … I see it all around me. It is so obvious and unusual that I cannot help but know that at some level, I created this experience as my teacher.

Soon, one man who stereotypically is not wearing a shirt then lies down and sticks his extremely dirty feet up against Bobby-bear. I won’t go into details of this ongoing experience. Given my recent journey with such triggers, I decide to deal with them differently today. In very subtle ways, I make repeated attempts to disengage by moving blankets here and there. It seems that every time I calmly and lovingly rearrange my space in an attempt to block my contact with his disgustingly dirty feet, he finds a way to counter.

I am happy and transparent, but quite surprised by the persistence of this obvious and determined trigger. I attempt to remain in my high-energy state, trying to see all of this unfolding “space trampling” with no story, no emotion, and no attachment.

Exasperated Giggles

Then the man turns slightly, with his knees bent, and gives me a fully-clothed but offensive (to me) vista of things I do not want forced into my close-up view.

“This is uncanny,” I ponder with an exasperated giggle. “The Universe is really giving me a wham, wham, wham opportunity to heal these triggers.”

It is so obvious that I know I am doing this … manifesting this. It is an opportunity to make a new choice.

I briefly consider saying something verbally, asking him to shift positions, but guidance tells me to keep my mouth closed.

A few minutes later, unable to contain myself, I lightly tap his leg with my toes. He temporarily moves, but then a few minutes later he repositions himself again, giving me a full-on crotch shot from only a couple of feet away. I am sure his behavior is innocent, but I am grossed out by this rude body positioning. I cannot believe how I am repeatedly attracting what I perceive as such distorted masculine treatment.

Even so, I remain in a state of confused giggles … in a very high-energy space of transparency. But I begin to wonder if I should do something – something to OWN my power – something to request that my feelings be respected.

Finally, still having done nothing, I trust guidance to grab a nearby blanket and gently drape it over his knees and feet. Rather than verbally or physically challenging him, I am doing something that will solve my problem, and hopefully be seen by him as a friendly gesture.

As I do so, my heart rushes with panic. The man says nothing, but his body language indicates that he seems to appreciate the warmth. It is a cold afternoon.

Just as I do this, Keith glances at me, as if to acknowledge my emotion. But we say nothing, and he turns back to something else. I am proud of myself. The unpleasant view is covered.

Surrender To Feelings

Through all of this, I continue conscious attempts to remain in Higher Energies without succumbing to the triggered emotion. But after more than an hour of stewing in the experience, I get the strong feeling that such an approach is not working. I am remaining out of rational mind, but intuitions whisper that I need to try something else.

As I get brutally honest with myself, I realize that I am experiencing emotions of deep disgust and anger for such distorted men. Well, actually, it is more like “hateful” emotion. I hate distorted masculine energy – I hate men (and women) who are controlling, oppressive, and flaunting their influence and dominance as if in a power strut – men who are lost in an ego trip of self-importance.

“Wow,” I ponder. “Such distorted masculine energy is being acted out for me today in a very big way – and quite beautifully – not just by most of the men, but by a majority of the women as well.”

“Maybe, rather than trying to let go of this story,” I ponder new insights, “just maybe I need to actually feel the emotion … and take the Light with me into that emotion.”

Ever so slowly, I drop my walls, and begin to allow myself to actually feel the disgust … the anger … and the hatred. Tiny tears trickle down my cheeks as I start to recognize just how deeply this disgust goes – how deeply the hate permeates my being.

I soon realize the obvious connection, that this external hate is merely a projected version of the internal hatred that I continue to repress – internal hatred at my own masculine self. It is self-hatred that became agonizingly obvious during my young teenage years – self-hatred that continued to fester right up to the time of my gender transitions just over sixteen years ago – self hatred that was then buried and repressed, still bubbling in the depths even now.

“Even though I was so pure and genuine with my intentions,” I remind myself of the positive, “I adopted many of those socially-accepted, distorted masculine behaviors and attitudes, all in an attempt to belong and fit in to a confusing world … and I hated myself for doing so.”

Highest-Good Mutual Creation

At around 3:30 p.m., Keith is briefly interrupted by a delivery of three bags of freshly peeled cacao beans. During this twenty-minute break, about half of the people on the porch stand up and leave, taking a great deal of the stuck energy with them – but not all. Over time, most of the others leave as well. Meanwhile, almost no one does any visible inner work, not even the women – and Keith makes no effort to push or prod.

Finally, only five of us remain – five people who really are interested in doing inner work.

I love how the first two-thirds of the ceremony have so profoundly served me even though most people have remained stuck and disengaged. I love an inner knowing that tells me that everyone who came and left got exactly what they needed from the ceremony, in their own unique way. I love the knowing that at some level, I attracted such a group of stuck people to join us – them for their purposes, and also to play a much-needed role for me. I love this knowing – a knowing that synchronously shows itself in such obvious ways, over and over again in my journey.

Humble Admissions

“Jeff, where do you need to go?” Keith then interrupts the silence to get down to real inner work.

Jeff, not his real name, is someone who I see as an example of magical and healed masculine energy. Almost immediately, Jeff begins to engage in a beautiful process, one dealing with huge amounts of self-hatred. As he allows himself to feel what he needs to feel, I begin to ride his energetic wave, sinking deeper into my own emotions. Our situations today are quite different, but it becomes obvious to me that we are in very similar energies and journeys.

I soon begin to lightly sob as Jeff continues his work. Keith briefly turns to work with me as I mention how profoundly I resonate with Jeff’s process. Keith and I discuss the perfect setup today for an external stage play of distorted masculine energy, and I quickly fill him in on how I have uncovered new levels of self-hatred for my own inner masculine.

“And I clearly see how I have often projected some of that emotion onto you,” I humbly admit to Keith.

A Shared Journey

As both Jeff and I are sinking ever deeper into intense processing of self-hatred and self-loathing, Keith surprises us both.

“Brenda,” Keith interrupts, “I want you and Jeff to energetically connect, helping each other rather than helping yourselves.”

Keith then points out how both Jeff and I seem to find it easier to help someone else rather than helping and allowing love for ourselves.

Taking Keith’s counsel to heart, Jeff and I connect energetically, but we do so in a very different way. We do not sit in front of each other … we do not stare into each other’s eyes … we remain in our seats, holding space and helping each other from afar.

As I sit in my process, I focus on my empath abilities, asking that Jeff’s emotion run through my field – and asking that Higher Light and Love channel through me, being made available to Jeff. I can only imagine that Jeff does similar things for me.

Minutes later, I begin to sob as Jeff talks more about his own deep emotional struggles.

“Brenda,” Keith interrupts to coach me. “Don’t take it in.”

“Wow,” I look at Keith with surprise. “Am I taking this in? I thought I was feeling my own emotion.”

Keith does not answer my question, but in my heart, I know that I was taking Jeff’s emotion into me and believing it to be my own. With this new insight, I ask the light to help me more while further relaxing. As I do so, my emotion settles greatly, and I get a strong intuitive sense that I am really helping Jeff.

Vibrating Power

As I observe Jeff go ever deeper into the self-hatred, I am blown away by how someone so pure and genuine could hate himself.

Almost immediately, I imagine Jeff as my own inner masculine. I realize that he too is profoundly pure and genuine, yet I harbor intense repressed hatred toward that part of me.

“Jeff is just showing me a mirror of my own inner reality,” I ponder. “How could I possibly hate such a beautiful reflection? Such self-hatred is so absurd … yet so real.”

I begin to focus on sending amazing heart love to Jeff, but I know that this love is really destined for my own inner masculine self – both as an adolescent and as an adult. As I do so, I feel deeply emotional. My heart shakes a little as I feel the power shifting around inside.

Keith soon looks up and comments on how powerful I am being right now.

“Can you feel that?” Keith then asks.

“Yes,” I respond with confidence.

“You are bringing power all the way up from your solar plexus,” Keith congratulates me. Very beautiful!”

As Keith points out to me that I have done this before, I flash back to that “Brenda’s got the mojo” experience a couple of months ago – one where I was radiating huge amounts of love – one that Keith turned into a magical healing experience for me.

“I need to take this same power and turn it inward,” I ponder.

This amazing power vibrating in my solar plexus and heart continues for at least a half hour.

An Inner Dance

Somewhere in the midst of this magical, powerful experience, the neighbors begin to play loud music. It starts out as a nice slow-dance song. Suddenly, I imagine myself on the dance floor, asking my masculine self to sway to the music with me. I feel myself loving him, cuddling him, resting my head on his shoulder and wrapping my arms around his neck – loving him with genuine heart love.

“Wow,” I ponder with a glow, “I have never felt this emotion for my masculine self. It actually feels as if I am falling in love with him.”

I love the feeling as I visualize myself in this scene for another twenty minutes. Eventually, I explain my experience to Keith. He emphasizes how powerful this is, and how well I am doing, but also reminds me that I am in an ongoing process, and that I am not there yet.

“Thank you,” I respond to Keith. “I really appreciate the perspective that I am on a journey, but doing well.”

As the ceremony concludes, Keith repeatedly congratulates me for having done really good work today.

“But I don’t need to tell you that,” Keith adds with a grin. “You already know.”

“I really like to hear it thought,” I smile back.

Enhanced Energies

I walk home very slowly. As I arrive in the center of town, the Feria music is blaring loudly, but I just ignore it, hardly even paying attention.

A very different (but increasingly familiar) energy is flowing in my head right now – an energy that has also been flowing in my arms, spine, and other places too. I recognize this energy as something good – yet it is also an energy that in the past I have seen as quite uncomfortable, at times freaking me out in a state of feeling overwhelmed and panicky.

But now, this energy feels more a part of me … more normal … more enjoyable. I understand that it is some type of higher vibrational state toward which I am drawing ever closer – but the more I feel this new energy, the more the dense energies in my body (the ones not in alignment with Higher Energy) have been triggered – thus the reason I have often felt the associated discomfort.

Throughout the evening, I am serenaded by intensely booming music interspersed by loud thundering fireworks being set off about a hundred feet from my balcony. Occasionally, I step outside and take in the festivities from my vantage point. Huge crowds are gathered in the property of the Catholic Church, probably representing a large percentage of the several thousand local residents. Both ground and aerial fireworks are being ignited right in the midst of this gala.

But the festive noises do not bother me – they only serve to further enhance the energies flowing inside me.

Observe, Allow, Follow

After another short night of earplugs, vibrating walls, and not much sleep, I wake up at 4:30 a.m. to the sound of more fireworks exploding above my apartment. Having been jolted awake at that early hour, I find it hard to acquire any more rest. After an exhausting morning of trying to sleep in, cooking a pot of beans, and watching a few videos, I return again to Keith’s porch for a Thursday afternoon workgroup ceremony – one that turns out to be among the smallest in a very long time, with only seven of us on the porch for most of the afternoon.

Early in the ceremony, after a long, quiet, silent meditation, I again focus on connecting with Higher Energy, and expanding my heart. I also hold space for a friend who is in deep emotional release.

“Brenda,” Keith suddenly interrupts the silence. “For you today, it is important to let go of all expectations regarding what you do or don’t do.”

Keith tells me to stay out of my mind … doing nothing … just observing, allowing, and following … not expecting anything.

“Is it OK to still send loving energy to others? I ask with curiosity, being unsure as to what “doing nothing” means.

“Of course that is OK,” Keith answers my silly question.

I quietly ponder how one of my lifelong struggles has been related to taking people’s words too literally.

Immediately, I drop all expectations and take Keith’s words as a gesture that something powerful may (or may not) happen today. I get the message that this is an exercise in surrendering and following – in allowing, being in the moment, not pushing, and not analyzing – in just following guidance and putting rational mind on the front row as an observer, watching the script as the movie unfolds perfectly, without trying to control the script.

An Urge To Laugh

I continue sharing beautiful energy with a friend … bringing in love and light … radiating what I can. But I also focus on sending that same love and light down to my own lower chakras. It is something Keith had suggested I do yesterday – something that profoundly resonated when I was so focused on sharing some of my own power with parts of me still shut down.

Intuitions whisper to me that I have a journey to make with my lower chakras today, but I make no assumptions, continuing to follow the flow.

After a while, I experience subtle aching in my solar plexus, along with a strong feeling that I want to release this painful emotion by causing myself to belly laugh. I want this emotion to come up and out, but a deep fear also makes it clear that if I access this emotion, I might get lost in hours of agonizing emotional release.

After a few minutes of hesitating, of pondering emotions and feeling out guidance, I realize that I really want to force myself to laugh – to trigger this. I poke and tickle my belly repeatedly, simultaneously imagining myself laughing. As I do so, I do not laugh, but I do start to cry a little. I back off because I do not want to do this release the hard way.

Ignoring Doubt

Just as I finally realize it is time to ask Keith for guidance, he unexpectedly turns and makes eye contact with me.

“Keith,” I beg for clarity. “I feel like I have a reservoir of pain here that would be triggered by belly laughing, taking me into deep dry-heaving release … but I want to do this an easier way. Can you suggest something?”

“Take your Higher Self … or maybe an angel … with you,” Keith guides me to go on an inner journey. “Go down into that emotion together, while you hold powerful energetic space for the process, just like you do for others.”

I get the message loud and clear. I don’t need to do this work myself. I can stay in the Higher Energies and ask my Higher Self to assist with the actual work while I express intentions and hold space. Besides, my head has no idea how to release this emotional density using the rational mind.

As I follow Keith’s guidance, embarking on this meditative journey, he again speaks.

“Look around and figure out where you are,” Keith guides me.

Almost immediately, I find myself slipping into doubt, because I haven’t felt very successful at such meditations recently. But I ignore the doubt and instead focus on trusting everything I sense and feel.

Jagged Edges And Green Slime

Suddenly, I begin to get the visual of a dark cave with jagged black walls – as if there are half-inch sharp protrusions all over the wall, similar to crystals, but nothing like them. These sharp jagged formations are dark, black, and putrid.

As I pay more attention to my feelings, I get the sensation of green slime on the bottom of the cave. It is like a horrible green acid.

Within seconds, I start to freak out in deep emotion, but rather than going into the emotion, I back off and ask my Higher Self to do the actual work while I just radiate loving energy.

For the first few minutes, the emotional energy is intense. I feel it rage through me, and I cry a little, but I do not lose myself in it. Instead, I continue to radiate as much love from my heart as I can muster, simultaneously imagining this love flowing down to this putrid dark jagged-edged cave that has a floor of green-slime acid. I immerse myself in trust that I do not need to do this work myself – that it will be done for me as long as I can remain in this energy, feel the emotion, and trust my Higher Self.

The agony gradually diminishes, but I sense that the underlying emotion remains. Rather than judging myself, I simply hold space as if I were assisting someone else doing this work. I continue to feel the emotional disgust for the slime etc…, but I do not lose myself in it.

Bye Bye Cave

After a while, I begin to feel as if maybe I am done. I quickly remember something from earlier in the ceremony. A friend had released a huge container full of density, and Keith had then guided that friend to transmute the container itself, so that it could not be refilled.

“Please transmute this cave itself,” I ask my Higher Self.

I realize that I do not know how, nor do I need to know how this can be accomplished. I simply trust that I have expressed my intention, and I do everything I can to surrender and trust whatever happens.

After a while, I actually feel as if the cave is gone. I do not seek rational mind confirmation for something that cannot be understood at that level. I simply trust my feelings and return to sending love to others on the porch, while at the same time asking the energies to help me further connect with Mother Earth.

As I focus on these lower chakra connections, I still feel deeply blocked.

A Distorted And Perverted Reality

I go inside, imagining myself walking down into the solar plexus, and then into the second chakra. Suddenly, I get the image of being in a torture chamber.

While pursuing this unexpected image, I get the feeling that I am in a sexual torture chamber for sex slaves. Gradually, a sense of knowing begins to unfold. I am meditatively standing in my second chakra – the energetic center for creativity and sexuality. And at this place in my energy field, I have a shame-filled, torture chamber, victim mentality.

Almost immediately, I begin to remember painful, shameful fantasies from around age ten to twelve. At the time, I felt so much horror and shame regarding sexuality and gender that I believed I would never be normal – that I would literally end up in hell if I ever acted on any of the feelings racing through my confused and innocent body. At some level, I knew that any and all sexual expression would be evil, perverted, wrong, guilty, and shameful, and that the only way I would ever experience sexuality as a woman would be if I were forced to engage in it – if I were tortured, abused, and/or a sex slave possessed by evil men. Such a situation would alleviate me of all religious guilt and responsibility – allowing me to have an experience without the accompanying eternal sentence to hell.

What a distorted and perverted reality! What a sick feeling! At age ten, I was so insecure and terrified of sexuality that bizarre imaginations were the only safe alternative – distorted images that yet remain deeply buried beneath years of whitewash.

A Tangled Shameful Flow

At first, I brush over the surface of these emotions, but then begin to recognize the deep undertones of how this childhood distortion still plays out in my hatred of distorted masculine energy, of abusive, controlling men who stick their feet in my face and expose their fully-clothed crotch in my space, forcing themselves on me with rudeness.

Ouch! I am playing out this belief that I do not deserve a normal relationship / sexual life … that I only get distorted men who will treat me like trash, and that I would rather be alone and hate all men than risk it.

Very tangled, painful, repressed sexual distortions are festering in this inner torture chamber, all because as a child my gender feelings were made shameful.

Right now, I find myself energetically in the middle of this second chakra pain, experiencing the emotional craziness of this agonizing reality. By now, my solar plexus is vibrating with more opening energy.

“Higher Self,” I beg, “please help me heal this while I hold space for you.”

As I sit and meditate, waiting for whatever the response might be, I begin to feel active, prickly vibrations in my lower belly. As this new energy flows, I experience intense, shameful, painful, deep emotions – emotions that rage through me for perhaps twenty minutes. But I do not get lost in the emotion. I feel it and allow it to flow.

Allowing Help

At one point, I glance up and Keith makes eye contact with me. Before I tell him anything, Keith tells me that I am doing beautiful work, allowing help from other sources, and deeply contemplating what I am doing.

I let out a deep sigh as I prepare to speak.

“I am in a very dark place,” I tell Keith as I then share a summary of the agonizing sexual distortions of a young and confused boy.

“You have to feel it,” Keith reassures me, “but you are allowing help.”

As Keith moves on, I quietly cry while continuing to hold space, trusting that I am doing something very real as I imagine my Higher Self doing the actual work of healing the emotions that I allow myself to feel. I have no clue how this works. I just trust that I do not need to figure this out with my head.

Gradually, the pain fades to nothingness. Just as I had done before, I then ask my Higher Self to please transmute the torture chamber itself. A while later, the process feels complete – and I get the feeling that the torture chamber (at least this level of it) is gone.

Rewiring Circuits

Soon, I return to holding space for others while continuing to focus on raising my energy vibrations. As I do so, I suddenly feel a lot of intense energy in the throat region, along with a few tingling areas in the solar plexus and in my cheeks of all places.

“A switch in my solar plexus was just turned on restoring the power circuits to my cheeks,” intuitions quickly whisper.

Rational mind has no way to validate any of this – calling it quite silly.

But rather than losing myself in my head, I just trust, totally surrendering to everything, deeply relaxing while observing energy flows all over my body. I soon begin to imagine that my Higher Self is replacing fuses, fixing wires, and turning on switches at various places in my energy channels. In many ways, I feel as if I am on the Goddess’s operating table. Things are happening inside that are beyond understanding – that I do not need to think about or figure out.

For the next hour, I just follow this flow … observing … feeling.

I giggle when a friend unexpectedly speaks up in his process and talks about how he feels as if he is being rewired inside. Prior to this point, neither of us has said a thing about our processes.

Caught In My Head

We all silently meditate for the final ninety minutes of the ceremony. Finally, as a few people start to leave, Keith speaks up.

“Brenda,” Keith tells me, “you did some really different work today … deep … and allowing higher assistance.”

“I feel that,” I respond, “but am wondering if you have any guidance, because part of me feels as if I might not have completed everything I needed to do.

Keith closes his eyes and checks his own guidance.

“Brenda,” Keith then jokes with me. “This is the part of you that is throwing a tantrum. It believes you didn’t do anything today because you didn’t do it the hard way … not a lot of tears and emotion, etc.”

“So it is the scammer part of me,” I comment.

As I attempt to talk a little more at the rational mind level, Keith ignores me, and then suggests that it is time to go take some notes. I get the message. I am back in my head.

Pillow Vibrations

Ten minutes later, I giggle as I walk past the basketball court, just before turning down the short path to my home. There are over sixty huge speakers stacked up and aimed right at my apartment. Plus another stage is in the process of being constructed with more speakers being piled up for that one.

Later that night, as I ponder on my pillow, while loud concert vibrations shake my body, I again reflect on a beautiful ceremony. It was a magical experience in getting out of the way … in being present … observing feelings … and following inner guidance.

As I further ponder, I begin to develop a strong sense of gratitude for how Keith has been much more UN-available to me this year. I have resented it often, but now realize just how unhealthy my dependence has become – and how necessary it is for me to wean myself from needing his input in my process. It will not be long before I will need to do all of my processing without his input or validation. He has been very wise to repeatedly force me to do my own work.

Squeamy Insights

In spite of the loud concert music, I actually manage to fall asleep. I wake up several times during the night, but am now rested and surprised by how good I feel. A nice flow of energy graces my body and I get the sensation that several areas of my body are in the process of opening to another level. As I rest in bed for a while longer, I decide to meditate and see what happens.

While relaxing my body, the squeamys (squirming and screaming sensation at the cellular level) in my arms, legs, and other clenched areas, again begin to get my attention. Almost immediately, I take a back seat role, going into meditation and holding space while asking my Higher Self to further help me release whatever densities might be stuck in these blockage areas of my body.

I suddenly realize that I have been trying to “fix” these areas of my body via relaxation techniques – and no matter what I have done, it has not worked. Intuitions now tell me that these parts of my body are clenched for a reason, and will only relax when I do the inner work and learn the lessons behind why I put them there in the first place. As I later begin my day, I trust that the flow of my own process will bring this all up with perfect timing.

Lead Walls

As the Friday afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway, we again have a relatively small group, with only eleven people, most of whom are on Keith’s porch for their first ceremony.

Even before the “Glow Meditation,” I get an early start on my process. As I again focus on the clenched areas of my body, I feel guided to view them as lead walls – walls through which no energy can pass. While focusing on holding high vibration space, I ask metaphorical angels to assist me, bringing imagined picks and jackhammers, using their tools to chip away at my walls, and hauling away the debris in buckets. As I allow this meditative scenario to unfold, I begin to feel nice, peaceful energy flows in most of the blockage areas.

After the “Glow Meditation,” Keith tells the group that he is feeling guided not to volunteer assistance for others, and that today people are going to have to ask for help if they want him to work with them. I really do not like this idea. I miss the old way where Keith worked his way around the circle, volunteering help to nearly everyone.

But this is a perfect setup for me. As a part of me silently whines and complains about Keith not helping me and others, blah, blah, blah, I also see it as my reality creation – as another stage play again telling me it is time to do my own work. It is a situation where help is available if I need it, but where I need to access my own inner guidance as my primary source.

“Congratulations Brenda,” Keith suddenly turns to me.

“Huh?” I ask, confused that Keith is engaging me after just saying he wasn’t going to do so.

Keith then suggests that I am doing really well, in a beautiful flow of energy today, and doing really nice work. I use this opportunity to fill him in with what I have been doing for the last hour.

“I didn’t know the details of what you were doing,” Keith comments, “but I knew it was really nice, opening up a new level of cooperation with the flow.”

After our short conversation, I thank Keith for the insights, and he quickly moves on, providing no further guidance or hints regarding my ongoing processing for the day.

Trust And Non-Attachment

There are around four people today who are on the edge of deep emotional release, but who are also quite resistant, holding back. I observe with curiosity as Keith makes no attempt to draw them out of resistance – no attempt to encourage them to release their density. I feel quite puzzled, wondering if I should go assist them, but I get no clear inner guidance.

Suddenly, I realize that all is perfect, and that I am bumping up against my own God-drama belief that “If I were God, I would be doing things differently” … or in other words … “If I were Keith, I would be sitting in front of each person, showing love and compassion, drawing them out of their shell, encouraging them to release their fear, etc…”

I want to judge what is happening, but instead I treat it all as my personal holodeck, as my stage play, as my opportunity to trust and surrender control without me needing to know or understand why things are happening the way they are.

As I continue observing, I notice that several times Keith talks at a high level about people who are on the edge of emotional release, who get so far, and then hit deep childhood conditioning that causes them to shut down with resistance. I get it. Keith is giving them every opportunity to know it is OK to go into emotional release, but today, for whatever reason, he is guided to not push even in the tiniest ways – to make them responsible to make the first move. For whatever reason, this is perfect for me, bringing up my own issues in several ways.

I Know Keith well enough to trust that he is in communication with their Higher Energies, and that if these people needed him to intervene that he would. Yet the inner storyteller in me continues to pick and poke inside me.

But rather than enable this inner storyteller, I keep reminding myself of the facts, and reassuring myself of a strong inner knowing that this is another ceremony perfectly designed to trigger my growth.

As I continue to focus on my own inner journey, I bask in beautiful energy, feeling that energy flow in many areas of my body, with tingles and tickles especially active in arms, hands, and shoulders. I remain totally unattached to external events, simply holding space, leaving the details up to the Universe.

The Gift Of Laughter

Eventually, five or six of the resistant people leave, most of them not saying a word. Again, I check in with inner guidance that says all is perfect – that this is another exercise in trust and surrender – an exercise that is perfect for ME.

Soon, a friend arrives. A minute later her young daughter shows up with another young girl, and the two of them begin to be extremely active on the porch. I have been in enough ceremonies with children to know that they always serve me, so I take great delight in observing the unfolding events. The two young girls are giggling, enjoying unbridled, spontaneous silliness.

As I begin to giggle, and then belly laugh at something one of the young girls does, I am immediately overwhelmed by a huge wave of emotional density, causing me to start dry heaving. Immediately I sit back and invite the light to fill me, surrendering the emotion that wants out. But I do not feel any light. In fact, I feel as if I have a density hangover. My abdomen is extremely heavy and a headache consumes my forehead. I am tempted to return to the physical emotional release, but decide to simply hold space for my process, repeatedly asking my Higher Self to help me surrender this emotion to the light.

Soon, the two girls leave, and then, a few minutes later, they return bringing a little boy with them. The three are wild and active, distracting to the max. I giggle. I see their innocence and how perfect this experience is for me. They are so playful, so fun, so happy, so joyful, so wiggly, so smiling, and so magical. Repeatedly I reassure my friend that these children are profoundly serving me.

Many times I attempt to laugh with them, and every time I start to laugh, I instead sink into deep dry heaving. But rather than remaining in the physical release I stop each time and invite more light, while engaging in more space holding and more inner requests for my Higher Self to assist me in releasing this emotion the easy way.

Gradually, I feel a little Higher Energy assistance. It is slow and mild, and I sense that part of me is deeply afraid of letting this emotion go.

Unbridled Joyful Expression

I focus on feeling love for this fearful resistance … on feeling compassion for the little wounded child in me. In fact, I see these giggling children AS me, as MY inner children.

As I observe the ongoing unbridled joyful expression of these beautiful children, I clearly understand what happened to me as a child. Whenever I behaved in such a spontaneous, joyful way, I was slammed and shut down for being excessively noisy, disruptive, irreverent, or behaviorally inappropriate. Such rowdy and rambunctious behavior was not tolerated in my home. Yes, I was encouraged to have fun, but there were strict boundaries on “appropriate” fun, and if I strayed from those boundaries, which I often did, I got punished.

I did the same thing to my own children. Whether at home, at play, at church, or in any public place, I felt embarrassed if my children were too noisy, too playful, or too active, and I firmly taught them to be more reverent and respectful – kind of like the old paradigm that “children are to be seen and not heard.” I feel sadness for having passed this conditioning down to another generation.

I can see that my friend feels deeply embarrassed for what her young daughter and friends are doing on the porch – for how noisy and playful they are being. I can tell that she feels triggered, thinking she is being a bad mother for allowing this. Every minute or two, I make a point of telling my friend “Thank you … these children are serving me hugely, in ways you cannot possibly imagine … thank you … thank you … thank you … please let them continue.”

Keith occasionally jumps in and also tells my friend how profoundly these children are serving me.

A Locked Playroom

As I continue watching the playful mayhem on the porch, I sink into deep tears. I am feeling emotions of deep sadness and sorrow … sadness for lost joy and unexpressed playfulness … sorrow for how I did the same to my own children … sadness for how society in general forces such spontaneity out of us as if it were bad.

“Brenda is seeing this as a huge gift,” Keith again speaks up, telling my friend that her daughter’s behavior is serving me in magical ways.

As I continue to cry, I focus on love, imagining myself being held by my Higher Self and angels. Gradually, I feel lighter and lighter. I soon feel guided to ask Bobby and Sharon (my inner children) to take my hand and show me where this blockage and/or density is coming from.

I imagine myself standing in the solar plexus region, but feel numb and emotionless. Finally, I feel myself being guided down, down, down, down. As I find myself moving lower in my body, I start to experience sharp pains in the second chakra area. I get the sensation that I am now where I need to be, feeling what I need to feel, but I am quite puzzled.

“Why here?” I ponder.

Suddenly, I get the intuition that there is a playroom here in my second chakra – a playroom that is locked up. I ask Bobby and Sharon to help me unlock it. Intuitions whisper a few minutes later that the door is now open, but I still doubt myself, not sure if I can fully trust what seems quite bizarre to rational mind. Just to be safe, I ask my Higher Self to assist by ripping the door off its hinges, not just for this room, but for any other rooms that might be locked, but ready to be opened. While I hold space in high vibration energy, I ask my Higher Self to help transmute these rooms and all that is in them.

I simply trust and allow, having no rational mind feedback. As I continue this unknowing surrender, I gradually experience a sensation of increased joy and playfulness returning to my heart. Almost as if on cue, the neighbors again start to play loud dance music. Immediately I find myself in imagined play with Bobby, swaying to the music.

Second Chakra Spontaneity

At the end of the ceremony, I ask Keith a question that has me puzzled.

“Keith, is ‘play’ located down in the second chakra?” I ask with confused curiosity.

“For you it is,” Keith responds with a smile. “But not for everyone.”

“For me, it feels like play was a creativity outlet, and that makes sense because my creativity is there,” I share new thought that pop into my mind.

Keith pauses for a few seconds, closing his eyes and going inside. He then tells me that he is getting the word “spontaneity” rather than “creativity” – that my spontaneity is what was killed at this stage of my life – causing spontaneous play, creativity, joy, etc. to be stifled and rejected.

“Wow,” I respond. “This is so true. I still played … and played hard. But it was controlled, and kept inside restrictive boundaries. I had very little creative, out-of-the-box confidence … almost none … even as early as age six.”

An Energizing Encounter

Later, after the ceremony, a friend in emotional distress stops by my apartment. Following guidance, I suggest we go out to dinner together. Late in the evening, after beautiful healing talks at the rational mind level, I suddenly feel guided to tell my friend that she is carrying lots of emotions that are not even hers.

“Give them to me,” I encourage her.

As my friend closes her eyes and surrenders, I am blown away by the amazing tingles that I feel in my hands as a flow of energy begins to surge in my arms, head, neck, and back. I hold space for my friend for nearly a half hour, helping her release the emotions in which she is stuck – dense, heavy emotions that she took in from someone else. I love every tingling second of the experience.

We can only giggle a while later as both of us are highly resonating in the magic that just took place. I felt a huge amount of beautiful energy flowing through me, and my friend is now back in a state of spiritual connectedness. The experience energizes me, encouraging me to know that I can, and I want to, help others.

Magical Perfection

Later, as I prepare for bed, I open an email – a quote from “A Moment of Oneness through Rasha,” – quote #135. I love the message, which is as follows:

“Compassion is the common thread with which the tapestries of each of your lives are interwoven. For in truth, there Is only One of us here. As you begin to recognize the parallels in the lives of those with whom you share this dance, you begin to recognize the uncanny perfection in the synchronicity of the moments that bring you together. It becomes blatantly obvious that there are no random occurrences. The so-called coincidences you may once have been inclined to dismiss are far from irrelevant. Each seemingly chance encounter is an exercise in the perfection of manifestation. For in that moment, there is something to be given to each of you, by each of you.”

As I ponder these beautiful words, I am immediately drawn to the magic of an experience just completed – a beautiful healing encounter with a dear friend. But then, I clearly recognize the profound and blatantly obvious occurrences – the so-called coincidences that have occurred all week, and throughout my entire healing journey. I am really getting it – that there are no chance encounters – that all is perfect manifestation. Increasingly in my life, everything seems to serve a magical purpose in my journey, no matter how bizarre it may seem on the surface.

The Authentic Me

Saturday, April 27, I resume my passionate journey of writing. Just after midday, three cute little sparrows hop through the metal bars of my screen door and begin to explore my kitchen. The experience brings giggles to my heart as I fondly reminisce back to many such experiences during the height of my emotional journey over a year ago. After hopping around for a few minutes, one little sparrow suddenly flies back to the door. The other two quickly follow, and the three little messengers of joy disappear as quickly as they arrived.

Later that evening, after a long day of inspired writing, I eagerly publish, “Choosing The Authentic Me.” It continues to be a magical journey. It has not been an easy one, but I can clearly see how I have been guided by magical and synchronous events at every turn.

I truly am overflowing with giggles and divine light as I ponder the lifetime journey that has, step by step, taken me ever closer to the “authentic me” that lies at the core of my heart.

Giggles Of Spontaneity

The growth just continues to amaze me, with each ceremony taking me to unexpected places, understanding, and healing.

On Wednesday, a large group – one dominated by distorted masculine energy – served me greatly, taking me deeper and deeper into my own triggers with distortions of control, domination, oppression, and stuckness – taking me to an eventual realization that deep repressed emotions lie dormant inside of me – taking me to the realization that the only way to release and heal these emotions is to dive into them, allowing myself to feel them.

With the magic of allowing Higher Energy assistance, while simultaneously holding space for the shared process of a friend, I released deep deposits of inner hatred toward my own masculine energies – hatred that had been projected outward, then repressed and denied. As the process completed, I was left with new energies, imagining an inner dance with my own masculine self – one that persisted as a beautiful flow throughout the night.

On Thursday, the continued inner journey took me ever deeper, into the painful shame of childhood dysfunction related to sexuality and hopelessness of ever being normal – into a dark inner cave of black jagged edges and green-slime, acid floors – and then into a hopeless torture chamber. Using what is now becoming a more natural and automatic approach, I again fill myself with love and venture into the painful putrid muck, trusting that the Higher Energies will do the work of transmuting this forgotten reality. In this free-will Universe, I must feel this stuff before the light can transmute it – but I again succeed, and these dark inner places soon dissolve and disappear.

After beginning in a similar manner, Friday soon becomes an incredible gift of laughter – an unexpected journey into deeper understanding of how my capacity for spontaneous joy was dutifully punished out of me as a pure and innocent child.

With each passing day, I am astounded by the synchronous nature of the journey, by the unfolding clarity that each seemingly unrelated event brings in what always turns out to be perfect sequence. My heart warms with healing encounters with friends, and beautiful quotes that seem to pull it all together.

Each day, step by step, I am peeling back layer after layer of old blocks – blocks to the awareness of love’s presence – blocks that have long hidden from my view the truth of an authentic me. With each passing day, that true-me seems to be finally waking up as cautious inner giggles of spontaneity gradually reach the surface of my soul.

… to be continued …

Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “An Ego Counterattack.”

Friday morning, just before heading off to Keith’s porch, I stand in front of the mirror to remind myself who I am.

“I love you,” I glow at myself. “You are so courageous.”

I am increasingly realizing that self-love is the main ingredient for healing the emotional pain-body, and I feel increasingly surprised by just how fleeting that love for self actually is.

When I arrive, Keith is busy with the final details of receiving a new delivery of dried cacao beans … 12,500 pounds in all. Wow! When I arrived in Guatemala just three years ago, four or five hundred pounds lasted him for a few months. I am amazed by the increase.

Because of the delivery, we are a little delayed in starting the Friday afternoon, April 19, 2013, ceremony. I begin in a nice energy … peaceful and pleasant. But during the “Glow Meditation, I start to experience deep distraction.

Masculine Disgust

What distracts me is the innocent behavior of a young man I will call Joe. First, he sits directly facing me, about three feet in front of me, crossing his legs. He is wearing what I would define as ugly, extremely tight, orange shorts – so tight that they that leave little to the imagination. It feels to me as if he is energetically forcing his masculine energy in my face. I believe Joe to be unaware of what he is doing, but even so, I feel extremely invaded.

Later, Joe reclines, with feet aimed right at my face, one on each side of my own feet. Again, I have a very unwanted and triggering view of body contours that deeply disgust me. There are so many different positions that Joe could choose, but he repeatedly aims himself right at me.

“Why am I so triggered by such behaviors?” I ponder with frustration. “And why am I recently manifesting so many men to invade my energy space here on the porch in such similar and obvious ways?”

I am quite aware that I am creating this reality, and that this has nothing to do with Joe. But the situation triggers me to the extreme. I seriously consider going home, or perhaps just moving to a different place on the porch.

“Such masculine energy disgusts me right now,” I ponder with shock.

Profoundly Unlovable

Later, Joe gets all wiggly, happy, and squirmy as he dances in the energies. His behavior feels exaggerated to me. I perceive that he is not holding space for others, and is simply drawing attention to himself. Again, I reflect on several other young men on the porch in the last two years, each of which has triggered me in exactly the same way – each engaging in exaggerated, dramatic, energetic show.

“It is not about any of them,” I ponder, “and it is not about what it is about. There is some unhealed judgment in me – something to do with inner disgust at fake, exaggerated, in-your-face, dominant, dysfunctional masculine energy – and the Universe is not letting me ignore it.”

As I struggle with this intense inner triggering, I focus on self-love – loving myself no matter what I feel – loving everything around me as a needed stage play to show me unhealed pain inside of me.

“I was likely slammed for being an overactive, dramatic little boy when I was very young,” I ponder the possibilities. “I was probably very much like these young men … probably noisy, squirmy, distracting, and downright annoying. My parents disciplined me for such unacceptable behavior, forcing me to be reverent. I am now projecting that judgment onto others who show me an external mirror of this unhealed pain.”

“I still see these rejected parts of me as evil, unruly, and profoundly unlovable,” I continue this line of thought.

With this new realization, I double-down on self-love, searching for the ability to love the parts of me that refuse to love, the parts of me that insist on judging and repressing my bubbly, spontaneous, inner child.

I feel extremely stuck, and I try to love myself for being stuck, simply feeling deep compassion for the repressed emotions that remain buried deeply inside me. This emotion is profoundly real, and needs my understanding hugs.

Rattling And Unsettling

Finally, the inner distraction becomes so intense and overwhelming that I ask thousands of metaphorical angels to come in and help me hold space for this inner temper tantrum. I feel the emotion shaking inside, and I am determined not to lose myself in identifying with it.

Meanwhile, just as I did yesterday, I repeatedly ask rational mind to step aside, visualizing it as sitting in a reclining chair, drinking a margarita, taking a break, and enjoying the good life.

But the inner tantrum rages on as I remain the struggling observer.

As I continue to hang on to a thread of non-attachment, I focus on the same Higher Energy that Steven helped me to access yesterday. Even with all this effort, all this self-love and Higher Energy, the intensity of this insane inner tantrum continues to build. The experience is rattling and unsettling.

Drowning In Distraction

Finally, perhaps two hours into the ceremony, Keith looks my way.

“Brenda,” Keith asks. “How are the withdrawal symptoms today?”

“Huh?” I ask with confusion. “What do you mean?”

In a short bantering conversation, Keith reminds me of how I am trying to stay out of rational mind. He tells me that right now I am suffering from a form of addictive withdrawal – from not getting a fix of rational mind – from not trying to figure things out.

In many ways, Keith’s words do not resonate with me right now. I see them as unrelated to what I am doing in the moment. But yes, I am desperately trying to stay out of my mind, and the inner distracting backlash of craziness seems to be doing everything possible to pull me back to familiar territory – to pull me back into begging for rational mind help. The more I resist this “urge,” the more intense the inner tantrum surges.

I quickly bring Keith up to date with a generic summary of how I am standing face-to-face with intense triggers of distraction, judgment, etc., and just trying to love myself through every step. Keith lovingly acknowledges that at this stage of my process, it is really intense … really slamming me with a vengeance … wham, wham, whamming me with counterattacks. He even hints that I am in that part of my process where the relentless backlash is getting stronger and stronger.

I want to believe what Keith is telling me. I do feel the truth of his words in my heart. And I clearly see that even with the intense distracting energies that overwhelm me, I continue to feel nice energy vibrations in my heart. In fact, as I check in with my heart, it feels full and strong. My body is relatively pain free, with lots of nice energy. I am simply drowning in mental distraction.

Innocently Disengaging

Meanwhile, Joe continues what I perceive as a disgusting onslaught of dysfunctional masculine energy being forced in my field. In an effort to lovingly disengage from what, for him, is clearly innocent behavior, I build a wall between us – a tiny wall of blankets that barely blocks my unpleasant view.

Seconds later, Joe stands up and moves to the corner of the porch. I clearly perceive that Joe remains clueless of my triggers, especially when his ensuing process reveals details completely unrelated to me.

Suddenly, all of my triggers cease and the raging judgments relax. I realize that all of this happened (including Joe moving) at precisely the moment when I began to make progress in loving myself, and taking my own innocent steps to disengage from an unpleasant view.

For the remainder of the ceremony I simply sit in nice energy, occasionally holding space and sharing guided feedback with the process of a friend. I feel less and less inner distraction while the power of my heart gradually increases.

My mind remains quite clueless. In many ways, I feel as if I am not doing anything today, other than going crazy for a while. But at an energetic level, I recognize that something very different is happening.

Dizzying Energies

On the way home from this confusing day, I feel a desperate desire to isolate, but instead first share a delightful conversation over dinner with my friend Sufi. As I later prepare for bed, I am exhausted – but still take the opportunity to stare in a mirror and reconnect with self-love for the glowing face staring back at me.

I have beautiful energetic intentions as I drift off to dreamland. I wake up several times during the night, and every single time, a nice, active flow of energy continues to move through me.

Saturday morning, I wake up with this same energy. It is flowing so strongly that I am almost dizzy. But I am in a good place, and spend most of the day writing a short blog titled, “A Conscious Choice Point,” regarding my ongoing journey of self-discovery as I learn to recognize and understand the crazy inner games that keep luring me into these painful emotional loops.

Reviewing The Loop

Only ten people sit on the porch as the Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway, with four more joining us a while later. The ceremony has a very different energy, and is unusually quiet. I bask in this nice energy for the first part of the ceremony. It is nothing out of the ordinary, but I do feel nice warm vibrations tingling in my heart.

At one point, Keith and I briefly chat. I tell him I am back in a much better place, still focusing on self-love, with nothing new that is “up” for processing today.

“I learned a lot last week, especially seeing how I entered my loop again with that unexpected Boston Marathon bombing energy,” I explain to Keith.

“Yeah, and you didn’t go into the loop as deeply this time.” Keith congratulates me. “You are learning more about how you can leave the loop at any point in time.”

Cumulative Uncanny Triggers

I take great relief from the fact that Joe is sitting somewhere else today. I find it uncanny that for the last several ceremonies, he has, without fail, managed to sit directly in front of me, grossing me out with various seating positions.

Imagine my shock when Joe soon decides to lie down on the floor. It is only a matter of minutes before he crosses his legs, and dangles one foot directly aimed right at my face.

“AARGH,” I ponder with a frustrated smile. “This is such a stupid trigger, but it drives me crazy. It is so obvious that I am manifesting him to be in my face no matter what. There is no escaping it.”

Soon, I build a little wall of chili and sugar containers – a wall on the small serving table that separates us – desperately trying to disengage from this metaphor of feeling male feet stuffed into my face.

But every time I build a wall, Joe slightly shifts positions. Every time I open my eyes, the bottom of his foot is aimed directly at me. Soon, Joe lowers his feet and places them directly on my blanket, bumping into Bobby-bear. I quickly rescue my precious little bear from these dirty bare feet before quietly-but-politely asking Joe not to place his feet there.

Meanwhile, two other people then lie down and aim their feet right at me … one man and one woman. As the woman flashes her fully-clothed crotch in my direction, I want to scream inside. It is obvious to me that the Universe is forcing me to face repressed issues of sexuality, and feeling trampled by others.

These triggers are cumulative, building to insanity over a period of many days. I am in my rational mind, desperately trying to figure out “WHY” I am doing this, feeling this, and creating this.

Violating Vengeance

As I ponder, I profoundly realize that I am giving my power away, doing so in two separate ways.

First, by feeling so deeply annoyed, I am giving away my joy and peace while simultaneously wallowing in judgment and frustration. This mentally fabricated energetic state is deeply draining all inner power as it vanishes into a state of hopeless violating attack

Second, I am surrendering my power by not speaking up, by not asking for my personal space to be respected by others.

I clearly realize that these triggers are MY creation, and that the real issue has nothing to do with what is happening on the porch right now.

I am stuck in my mind, desperately trying to figure out if I need to speak up and ask people to please honor and respect my personal space. On the opposite side, I know that the true answer lies inside me. I am confused, not feeling guidance in any specific action, just watching my power drain away while I remain stuck and resistant. I am drowning in analytic head thinking while simultaneously trying to love the part of me that is feeling crazy and triggered – loving the wounded me, the judgmental me, the powerless and hopeless me.

Meanwhile, the triggers continue to barrage me with a violating vengeance.

Frustrating Absurdity

Finally, I get the feeling that I should be proactive in a nonthreatening way.

“Should I just disengage and move somewhere else on the porch?” I silently ask the question while doing a little muscle testing with my hand.

“Yes,” the response comes both intuitively and via my muscles.

Quickly, I grab Bobby-bear, my water bottle, my scarf, and a few cushions. Quietly standing up, attempting to be invisible, I move to the corner of the porch, next to the bathroom, behind Keith’s chair. I isolate myself there, away from all the feet and crotches.

I am shocked by what I soon observe. Over the course of the next half hour, literally five people are simultaneously resting their feet in my former space. Even Joe, who is directly in front of Keith, is turned at a ninety-degree angle, directly facing my former seat.

What I am watching feels like insanity – an undeniable stage play designed just for me, showing me the scene of all these people innocently trampling my personal space. And many of those feet are quite dirty from walking without shoes on streets frequently lined with the goodies that dogs seem to leave behind.

I quietly giggle inside while drowning in the frustrating absurdity – a profound metaphor of how I have surrendered my power for a lifetime, repeatedly allowing others to trample me while quietly ignoring their behavior.

“To do otherwise would not be loving or polite.” I ponder the unhealthy conditioning that continues to stifle me.

After a while, Keith briefly turns his head and glances at me. He says nothing. I simply sigh, shrugging my shoulders. I take his kind gesture as a gentle reassurance that he is watching.

Relationship Rules And A Toothpaste Tube

Finally, my emotions settle and I begin to fill with more peace and relaxed calm.

To my shock, within a minute, all the people on the porch quickly sit up, move their feet, and stop facing my former seat.

Even though I feel more peaceful, I remain deeply confused. I want to talk with Keith about these triggers, and eagerly wait for the opportunity. After a while, with my usual cushion still being empty and feet-free, I stand up and move back to a more visible place on the porch.

Eventually, Keith turns and smiles at me. I make eye contact and gesture that I would like some help.

“Relationship rules and a toothpaste tube,” I begin speaking in cryptic codes.

Violated And Attacked

When Keith acts a little confused, I explain that I am referring to an incident a year ago where I had felt deeply violated when a roommate (out of innocence) secretly used up a small tube of my travel toothpaste that I had been saving. As a result of that incident I had done deep processing, taking me to the realization that as a child, I had no right to personal space, or privacy in any form.

The relationship rule comment is meant to indicate that I am dealing with a deep rational mind understanding that my triggers have nothing to do with the people on the porch today, nor do they have anything to do with other people’s feet in my face, etc…

As I attempt to generically explain my insane triggers, I finally just blurt it out.

“I know that what is triggering me is stupid, and it would likely not bother anyone else here,” I express my frustration. “But for me, I am experiencing a space-violating nightmare. For the last week or so, I have been literally bombarded with feet and open crotches aimed right at me.”

“I have figured out that these metaphors go right back to childhood,” I continue, “to my personal space, privacy, freedom, and feeling my sexuality trampled by others … especially by distorted masculine energy. Deep inside me is profound anger at how my sexuality was repeatedly repressed in discrete ways. I feel violated and attacked by silly and stupid things … but for me, they are HUGE.”

Figuring It Out

As I explain the inner pain, I start to get quite emotional.

“Keith,” I beg for feedback. “I am seeking guidance on when it is appropriate to simply disengage and focus on my inner reality versus when it might be appropriate to take back my power by speaking my truth and asking that someone else’s behavior be modified.”

Keith does not directly answer, but he does give a big affirming nod when I ask about the “disengaging part.” Then, in the midst of ensuing conversation, Keith does acknowledge that there are times when it is appropriate and sometimes even important to speak one’s truth.

“Brenda,” Keith then helps me in big ways. “You are trying to figure all of this out in your rational mind.”

I suddenly realize that Keith is right. I am desperately trying to figure out the rules, the formula, all the while not even allowing myself to feel the underlying emotions.

“By trying to figure out the best approach for healing, I am avoiding the actual emotions themselves,” I ponder with clarity. “I need to just surrender and allow myself to feel these emotions to the bottom. It is these emotions that cause the continued dysfunction in my life. The only way to heal the emotions is to feel them, and to then surrender them to the light. Once the emotions are transmuted, the triggers will not even bother me anymore.”

As I give myself permission to feel, I start to sink into tears.

Go Into It

“Keith, I am so confused,” I blubber through the emotion. “I realize that a lot of this could be an inner scammer, just trying to suck me into another loop, and that the answer is just to own my power and remain above the emotion … yet the emotion is very real. Do I need to cry down to the bottom before it can be transmuted?”

“Yes, and yes,” Keith responds. “If this is the inner scammer … and it really could be … then the response would be to love it and then not buy it. But based on the emotion that is now surfacing, it is something you really need to go down into.”

Keith then validates that I am experiencing intense violation emotions of my childhood self … that it is another layer that is ready to come up and be released.

“Go into it,” Keith encourages.

Just Keep Following

I feel really stupid as I start to sob, but I do it anyway. Very soon, I begin to dry heave, bending forward and hurling energy out of my throat. Keith immediately points out something he has never before told me, sharing that my frequent dry heaving is a very clear body metaphor that I want to throw something out of me. He helps me to understand that by doing this, I am likely releasing the emotion the hard way, and that maybe it is time just to bring in the light and let myself do it more easily.

“I don’t want to be on the hard bus,” I beg for guidance. “I want to do it the easy way, and don’t know how to tell when I am at the bottom of the emotion. I have always thought that I have to go into the body metaphor of dry heaving and depth of agony before I can reach the bottom.”

Keith reminds me how I have repeatedly watched other people bring in the light and how it transmutes the density wherever they are at. He points out that if they need to go deeper, then the light takes them deeper, and if they are finished with that layer, then the light fills them.

“It is not something that you need to understand and figure out with the mind in advance,” Keith again coaches me. “Just try things. If you are on the wrong side of the fence, the results will show you. Just keep following, and don’t try to analyze or figure it out.”

New Understanding

Prior to this moment, I had believed the dry heaving to be an involuntary physical reaction that had evolved as part of my process. I feel a tiny bit resistant to his guidance, but quickly try Keith’s suggestion, asking the light to fill me.

Almost immediately, the emotion seems to vanish and the dry heaving stops. I sit in amazed puzzlement as I surrender to a new right-brain energy experience. Pleasurable prickly tingles of energy begin to fill my upper chest as the former heaviness further vanishes, being replaced by more joy and peace. In fact, the insanity and triggers are gone.

I have gained a new understanding – one intuitively whispering that it is important to feel emotion to the bottom, but that once I reach the point of my body trying to heave it out, I can stop and ask the light to take over. At that point, I can just let go in a much easier way.

As Keith and I continue talking for a while, he congratulates me for another beautiful process, explaining that I created situations on the porch to cause the intense triggering – triggering that took me to a beautiful process that helped me understand another deeper level of how I continue to get lost in the mind. It gave me an experience of contrast between being in my head, showing me how I still try to figure things out.

“And then it gave you a beautiful energy experience to show you the other side of the issue,” Keith verbally pats me on the back.

In this moment, my heart is alive and overflowing with deep energetic peace. I feel magical self-love for situations that once would have made me feel like a loser.

I do not feel bad for speaking so bluntly about the behaviors that have been triggering me. I feel no need to apologize to Joe or others, and am not even sure if they know I was referring to them. I spoke my truth in a loving and generic way, owning those triggers.

In fact, I profoundly love myself for having the courage to do this process, for having created situations that have magically taken me to new levels of experiential understanding.

A Trigger Fest

After a quick Monday morning trip to Panajachel for much needed banking and shopping, I find myself right back on Keith’s porch for another small, quiet ceremony.

I arrive with a sense of determination. I intend to further trust my flow, resisting the need to direct or understand my process with rational mind.

As I begin to experience more solar plexus pains, I focus only on self-love. Rather than analyzing what to do, I remain open while paying deeper attention to the sensations in my body. The sensation in my solar plexus feels like an emptiness, like a deep kicked-in-the-gut feeling. I close my eyes and go sit down beside it. It hurts, but the pain is not overwhelming. I sense that this comes from childhood. I pay attention, imagining myself loving and holding the pain, but nothing changes. Instead, my attention is drawn outward.

As I look around me, I begin to feel deeply annoyed by nearly everyone on the porch. One young man triggers me and I see him as being an attention-getting crybaby. Another young woman is breaking all the rules. Others are distracted, not holding space, and fidgeting. One new man is not even paying attention, and is instead painting a picture. A few others engage in sidebar conversations that make it hard for me to hear Keith.

I find myself feeling quite judgmental regarding countless ongoing behaviors that do not need to be elaborated. I know these triggers are all inside of me – showing me something.

But rather than push these judgmental, annoyed emotions down – and rather than trying to analyze them with rational mind – I give myself permission to feel them, repeatedly going as deeply as I dare before bringing in light to release them.

Lost In The Script

About halfway through the ceremony, I imagine my heart opening while sending heart bubbles to literally everyone on the porch, doing so one beautiful person at a time. Gradually, I begin to see each person as an external reflection of some rejected part of me.

After a while, I feel guided to step back from seeing all the events in front of me as being separate. Instead, I imagine myself stepping above the stage play, above the roles that everyone is playing, and attempt to see everything from a divine perspective – from a perspective of me not being lost in my own leading role. I imagine each person as merely an actor who is lost in the script.

But even with all this effort, many things continue to deeply annoy me. I am still lost in the personality role.

Crystal Vibrations

Finally, I feel guided to do a silent eighth-chakra meditation. For a long time I have been attempting to bring in more Mother-Earth energy, but it has not been working.

I make a focused effort to imagine myself walking up to the crown of my head, repeatedly bumping into stiff inner resistance. Finally, I step into an elevator, push the up button, and wait until the doors open. As I step out of the elevator, I paraglide across a rainbow and land in my eighth chakra. It was a different-but-fun way of arriving here.

As I visualize myself walking up to my temple of light and stepping through the door, I imagine myself surrounded by magical, vibrating energy. At the same moment, I remember a meditation that a friend taught me two years ago. I visualize myself reclining in a huge glass case filled with tiny, radiantly vibrating quartz crystals. I am fully immersed in the crystals as they vibrate all around me.

I utilize this imagined scenario to feel the high-vibration tingles. Soon, I feel this energy physically consuming my head, neck, and chest. As the energy spreads, I feel the judgments dissolving … the triggered annoyances disappearing.

I focus with clarity that all of the people on the porch are representing rejected (or loved) aspects of my self – each of which I continue to push away and reject. Every part of me, rejected or loved, needs my love.

A Cell For Exiles

As I enjoy this beautiful energy, I continue to feel an ongoing heavy place in my solar plexus. As I connect inside, I soon begin to understand that this place in my solar plexus is a metaphorical room – a jail cell of sorts – where all of these rejected aspects of me have been exiled.

With this intuitive understanding, I imagine myself walking down to that room in my belly, carrying a key that I brought with me from the eighth chakra. I stand in front of that cell, unlock the door, and express my intent. I share my desire to send love to all of the aspects of self that I have exiled to that room. I make a general request, asking for any of them who are willing to please allow and/or consider receiving love from my heart.

I then return to that quartz crystal meditation high in my eighth chakra, this time taking an imagined elevator even higher up into the clouds. As I visualize the clouds, I feel physical tingles from the energetic mist. I feel the energy from head to root. It is not overwhelming or spectacular, but I definitely feel it, and it is nice. I experience it in tiny bursts that then flow down through my body all the way to this now-open jail cell in my solar plexus.

Soon, responding to further intuition, I invite all of these aspects-of self to join me in the heart, where they belong. I tell them that they are free to come and go at their leisure.

Simple But Beautiful

About halfway through this journey, Keith and I briefly glance at each other. A while later he interrupts the silence. Prior to this point, we have not discussed my process at all.

“Brenda,” Keith shares. “What you are doing today is simple but beautiful.”

“How does it feel to further wean your self from the rational mind?” Keith then asks with a smile.

At this point, I briefly fill Keith in with a summary of what I have been doing. I know that these are just stories, that he already feels my energy, but for some reason, I still desire to share actual details.

Keith again congratulates me and gives beautiful feedback, all of which fades from memory before I later take notes for the day.

The ceremony remains quiet and low-key, with very little going on externally. My most amazing accomplishment during the remainder of the ceremony is that I actually hold beautiful and powerful space for the same young woman who was earlier driving me crazy with her rule-breaking behavior – and I hold space with pure love and compassion.

Trusting My Creations

The ceremony begins to dissolve quite early today. Very few people ask for help, and during the quiet times Keith simply sits in his chair meditating with his eyes closed, not pushing or initiating anything.

The old-me might have been quite annoyed by what I would have seen as Keith not taking a proactive interest in the process of others. The new-me is quite content, learning to trust and surrender, knowing that everything is perfect exactly as it is.

I absolutely know that I am doing very well in my process, and that I received all the help I needed, with most of that guidance coming from the inside. I can only trust that others are doing the same … and that if someone really needed help, they would speak up and ask.

I really am learning to go with the flow, and to trust everything as my creation, and as being perfect for what I need.

At 4:00 p.m., Keith ends the ceremony, suggesting that he wants to get an early start on preparing the porch for tonight’s chocolate bagging. Just as before, I feel totally complete with my journey, and can only trust and surrender that all is perfect for everyone else as well.

Stories About Stories

After a fun evening of assisting with the bagging of three hundred additional pounds of freshly ground cacao, I return home to the loud concerts of the annual town Feria. Knowing that there is no chance of sleep during the blaring music from the nearby basketball court, I watch videos on my computer until 1:00 a.m., at which time the music finally ends. Even then, my body continues to vibrate with residual sound waves.

I wake up several times during the short night, unable to relax, getting unsatisfying bursts of sleep. Even after remaining in bed till 9:30 a.m., I manage to motivate myself to write the blog that has been eluding me now for a week – a blog titled, “Stories About Stories,” – a blog regarding one of the most profound energy experiences I have had to date.

I finish the writing on an energetic high. I love how going back in time always helps me integrate, bringing profound growth and understanding to my process.

Simple But Elusive

As always happens, these last five days seem to be synchronously grouped with similar, perfectly timed themes. In fact, all three chocolate ceremonies were filled with intense-but-silly triggering – with most of the triggers involving bare feet and unwanted, tightly-clothed vistas being forced into my personal space.

It was a confusing journey, but one in which I always owned my triggers and projections. The explorative adventure took me much deeper than ever before. In the midst of surrendering to the crazy-making process, I began to understand that I truly was, and always have been, attempting to figure out the triggers with rational mind – wrongly thinking that I had to understand my dysfunctional behavior before I could heal it.

As the ceremonies unfolded, it became increasingly obvious that, at least for me, I no longer need to understand much about the triggers themselves. I can trust that IF I need understanding, that it will come to me, but I do not need to search for it. Instead, the flow (in many ways) showed me the obvious – that all of these triggers are only happening because the emotions behind them are still buried and active inside me.

“The healing doesn’t come from analyzing the triggers,” I suddenly realized. “The solution comes from doing exactly what Keith has been trying to teach me all along. I simply need to allow myself to actually feel the emotional trauma underneath the triggers. If I can do that without identifying with and reenergizing the emotion, I can then simply surrender the emotional layer to the light. Once I do this, actually letting it go, that layer is done. No rational analysis is even needed. Once the emotion is released and transmuted, the same external triggers are actually quite silly, having little residual effect on me.”

It is so simple, yet has been so elusive. Rational mind continues to want to jump in with stories, yet those stories simply get in the way.

An Expanding Toolbox

But perhaps the most profound growth has come from actually listening to Keith’s analogy of stating that I have literally been addicted to rational mind (as most of us are), and that I am now experiencing withdrawal symptoms as I attempt to wean myself from a constant need for more “fixes”.

In many ways, I see these three crazy days of triggers as having been a profound opportunity to show me just how intense the rational mind focus has been – and to show me how beautiful the energetic path can be if I simply give up the need to figure things out.

And in the process of this surrender, a great deal of magical knowing did gradually unfold. I gained new understanding into the deep childhood feelings of violation – of how my physical space, my emotional space, and my sexual space were literally trampled out of me by the invasive footsteps of distorted masculine influence.

And as I further healed, I began to realize that all of the ongoing triggers of judgment and annoyance (at least on Monday) were actually stemming from inner judgment and annoyance of rejected parts of me – parts of me that needed to be loved and invited into my heart.

As I further let go of the need to figure things out, I am blown away by how much clarity is now unfolding in my process. While I have a very good rational mind, I am finally beginning to understand that the rational mind really isn’t the tool. No amount of talking, storytelling, discussion, or debate can take me into the actual energetic experiences that are necessary for my healing. In fact, such logical attempts to analyze and figure things out usually just get in the way of the real healing.

I am profoundly grateful for my rational-mind understanding, and I know it will be an extremely valuable asset in my toolbox of the future. But the most profound tool I am now developing is coming from the heart – from actually experiencing how simple the healing process can be if I simply allow myself to feel, trust, and surrender to the Higher Energies that have always been there, just waiting for me to let them in.

… to be continued …

Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “Terrified Of Joy.”

Exhaustion consumes me as I rest on my pillow, late on Sunday evening. Yet even being as tired as I am, a relaxing sleep eludes me. My body will not relax, and I am still wired at 1:00 a.m., struggling to drift off to dreamland. Suddenly, at 5:30 a.m., I wake from a broken sleep as a neighbor pounds nails in a sign right below my window. It is a sign advertising his family laundry service. I cannot imagine needing to reinforce the nails at 5:30 in the morning. Guatemalan life never ceases to amaze me.

“I know this lack of sleep is part of my process,” I ponder in exhaustion, “but how?”

After attempting to sleep in, I finally give up and follow a new thread, one based on the recent eye-opening understanding that I am indeed terrified of joy. I sit on my bed and force myself to laugh. Immediately, I sink into deep emotional release that lasts for more than a half hour. The dry heaving and coughing are intense, and my lungs are suddenly congested. (They were not congested before OR after this experience).

I continue to sob with streaming tears, while repeatedly attempting to laugh. Finally, after doing all I can do, being unsuccessful in bringing in more light, I surrender to numbness and spend the remainder of the morning watching videos, stuck in a deep funk.

At noon on this Monday, April 15, 2013, as I leave for the afternoon chocolate ceremony, I remain numb and quite dysfunctional.

Good Ordinary Space

The group today is small, with around a dozen people. I begin by holding space for others, imagining myself as an energy butler, making energy available for the taking, if people want it.

Very soon, my solar plexus again begins to hurt. I note with deep interest that the woman sitting next to me begins to hold her hand on her own upper abdomen. Intuitions clearly tell me that I am reading her stuff. I want to assist her, but inner guidance (or perhaps fear) continues to tell me to only share energy from a short distance away. This woman knows I am sending her energy, but I never talk to or touch her, usually holding my hands at least a foot away, with an occasional hand near her head when her eyes are closed.

Eventually, she goes into deep agonizing release, and then finishes her process with profound, joyful giggles.

In spite of my dysfunctional morning, I am in a very good space for most of the ceremony, continuing my “space-holding” while feeling quite ordinary. I focus on allowing more light, and the pains in my belly eventually disappear when the woman next to me finishes her process. Other than that, not a lot happens today. I simply surrender, trust, and focus on being patient with the flow of my being.

A Different Place

In the final hour of the ceremony, I focus on a new image – one of imagining rational mind taking a break as it basks on a sandy Caribbean beach under the sun of divine light. Eventually, after a long period of not feeling much, I begin to experience mild relaxation with some energy pulsing on the third-eye region of my forehead. As I relax more, trying to merely allow and observe, I begin to feel a fearful panic reaction in my solar plexus. As the panic attack surfaces, I imagine myself loving it, hugging it, and thanking it … but not buying into it. I also experience a slight kicked-in-the-gut feeling as this continues.

I do not feel as if I make much progress, but I do sense a cool slight energy flow along with a great deal of inner resistance. I remain in this meditation until the very end of the ceremony.

After not having exchanged a single word with Keith during the entire ceremony, I give him a quick goodbye hug as I prepare to go home.

“How are you doing?” Keith asks with compassion.

But the moment I begin to answer, he is distracted by someone else and walks away. My first gut reaction is to be hurt and offended, to feel abandoned and ignored. But I ignore this ego reaction and begin to cleanup the porch, putting cushions away, etc. I know that I created this distraction at some level to give myself another opportunity to look at a lifelong trigger of feeling ignored and abandoned.

“Thanks for being here today,” Keith soon tells me when he finally returns from his distraction.

“I am in a really weird space today,” I respond with a feeling of confusion. “I don’t really know what I did. I felt lots of energy, but rational mind has no idea what, if anything, I did.”

“You are in a very different place from where you were, even a few weeks ago,” Keith tells me.

A Counterattack

I really don’t know “where” I am, or what this different place is. I am quite dizzy when I stand up to walk home. A great deal of mild energy flows through me. At one level, I KNOW I did beautiful work today, but on another level, I feel as if I was simply “faking it till I make it” – feeling nice energy, imagining sharing it with others, observing others, and feeling emotions. My rational mind feels empty, as if I am a fraud for not really knowing more than this – telling stories that it was all made up.

“Even though I am confused, I know I did something very real, because real emotions were triggered,” I tell Keith as I begin to walk down the steps.

I walk home in a very emotional daze. Mental chatter consumes my mind. I recognize it as “God / Separation drama” chatter – as resistance parts of me wanting to tell and/or listen to stories.

“I know my work today was powerful,” I counter these silly stories. “I hit deep fear and I ignored it. This is that fear trying to fight back.”

When I arrive at home, I am deeply confused. I know I am massively bumping into inner scammers and delay tactics – yet I know that this emotion is profoundly real and needs to be released.

Before doing much of anything, I briefly connect with Facebook, and observe a few posts containing sketchy details about two bombs exploding this afternoon at the end of the Boston Marathon. As I read the headlines and quick summaries, a minor wave of emotion hits me, but I brush it away. I am still overwhelmed by emotional overload from the ceremony today, and feel anxious to release it. I quickly step into my room, force myself to laugh, and even before the first giggle, I sink into deep emotional release.

I do not validate the emotion with stories. I believe I know it for what it is. This emotion feels like old fear and hopelessness from a time when those emotions served me. I see no present-day reason to be feeling this emotion, and sense that it is now coming up to try to scam me. I do not buy it, but I do allow myself to feel and release it. When I am done, I feel lighter, but still quite rebellious – still in a deep hopeless funk. I want to invite the light to transmute, but I am not in a place where I even trust the light. I am now identifying with the emotion. It is MY emotion and that frickin light is somehow to blame, blah, blah, blah.

It seems that somewhere in here, I must have taken the bait. I am dancing in the beginning of a deep emotional loop, and not feeling motivated to leave any time soon. A few hours later, after watching a movie and desperately trying to focus on love – trying to own that all of this is my creation – I fall asleep, and sleep soundly.

Lost In Despair

Tuesday morning I wake up at 6:00 a.m. from a very strange dream – a dream where I was interacting with a former professor who had asked me to teach her “Marriage and Family Therapy” class at a university. For some crazy reason, I had agreed to teach the class, but had made no preparations, had no idea where it was to be held, or who the students were etc.

Just before waking up, I had been frantically scouring a University building, searching for the classroom, already late, having no syllabus, no room number, and no clue. When I wake up, the same confusing emotion consumes me. I get the feeling that the Universe is telling me that I have agreed to teach certain things to others, and that I am not keeping up my end of the agreement.

By 8:00 a.m., I am drowning in a barrage of negative self-talk, overwhelmed by feelings of, “something is terribly wrong with me,” “I will never overcome my flaws,” and “F#ck it all, I just want to throw in the towel and give up.”

Inner storytelling is raging, using my depressed mood as a soapbox to rant and rave about why I am a pathetic victim of everyone and everything.

I want to write about one of my most profound emotional growth experiences ever, and here I am at the exact opposite extreme of the emotional scale. I quickly retire to my bedroom in an attempt to release emotions, but nothing changes. I am still lost and stuck.

I start my writing preparations anyway, first beginning to reread my most recent blog as I always do before writing a new one. As I get about three-fourths of the way through, I run back into the bedroom to sob. I am drowning in deep emotions of sadness, smallness, hopelessness, and futility. I sob and sob. Each time I try to bring in the light, it does not work; I just go deeper into despair.

Eventually, I step into the bathroom to stare in the mirror. But I cannot even look into my own eyes. The reflected face is horribly ugly and distorted, sneering back at me with a pathetic scowl.

Powerful And Convincing Crap

Gradually, I find the ability to stare into my own eyes, and about twenty minutes later, that ugly scowl is replaced by a huge glowing grin. It is a major transformation, and for a while, I am filled with joyful hope. I still want to write. I still want to have a productive day, but the joyful hope is fleeting and difficult to maintain.

I cannot focus, and 11:00 a.m. comes and goes, as does 11:30, and noon, etc. Finally, at 2:00 p.m., it becomes obvious that I am not writing today. Instead, I pop some popcorn and begin a movie marathon, hoping to lose myself in something else.

As the movie ends, my friend Sufi unexpectedly knocks on my door. I invite her in. We talk, and I cry. I attempt to explain where I am at in my process.

“I am cycling in and out of emotion on a minute-by-minute basis,” I tell Sufi. “My mind is rampant with stories. I do not even believe the stories. I have been aware all day that the stories are bullshit, and not me.”

“Wow, this is profound,” I share with Sufi. I do not identify with the emotions, yet they are powerful and convincing just the same.”

Crazy Rapid Intervals

I realize that I am at a new level of awareness – still being lost in the stories, but clearly observing myself do it without believing them or fully identifying with them. It is as if I am at a new level of choice point, in a big way. I am at a place where I want the light … well sort of. I have enough experience with trusting the light that I know it can help me, but right now, such help feels impossible and hopeless.

I do not want to live in this insane emotion any more, yet a very strong part of me would still rather choose the agonizing emotion rather than make the effort to surrender to the light. I actually know this emotion is bullshit … yet I am familiar with it. It is a known and safe entity. It is NOT fun, and definitely NOT how I want to feel, yet obviously the dominant part of me DOES want to feel this way, or I would have already embraced the light and let the emotion go.

I am in a state of awareness, yet am so deep into feeling the emotions that I do not want to give them up.

These emotions really suck. In one moment, I surrender to the light and find a smile with real joy. Then, just a minute later, I am at the depth of despair, saying “F#ck you light.”

The observer part of me is fascinated by what I am seeing and learning. I know I am in a profound place – at a profound level of growth and awareness – even though I am wildly cycling into and out of dysfunction, doing so in crazy rapid intervals.

I do not feel ready to leave this wild state. I am dizzy, overwhelmed, unable to stay anywhere for a very long. I am getting a magical glimpse into my inner temper tantrum – into my pathetic, hopeless God-drama loop. At least, that is what I think I am doing.

Magically Educational

Sufi and I are both starving and we decide to go to dinner together. Through the course of the next few hours, I cycle, cycle, and cycle. It gets to the point that I repeatedly joke with Sufi, acting as if I really am psycho. (At this point, it would not take much to convince me that I am.)

“Hi, my name is Brenda, who are you?” I ask her every few minutes.

Sufi plays along by giving me a different name each time.

“How long have you been sitting there?” I might ask. “Are we friends? Do I know you?”

I feel like a crazy, insane, mental, nut case. I am extremely loopy, like a different person every twenty seconds – one moment feeling alive and divinely connected, the next feeling like a hopeless loser, drowning in despair.

But through it all, I find humor and profound encouragement. I realize I am not crazy at all. I realize that I am beginning to clearly recognize the absurdities of my life, of the insane emotional loops that have held me hostage, and I can joke about it.

The entire experience is overwhelming, but magically educational.

Sufi leaves me at my doorstep at just after 8:00 p.m.. I am exhausted, but unable to unwind or relax. Still, I go to bed anyway, focusing on surrender and relaxation. Eventually I fall asleep.

The Setup

After a fairly restful sleep, I wake up on Wednesday morning feeling slightly better, but still not functional. I spend the entire morning, again numbing out with videos. Soon, I drag myself to Keith’s home, setting up his porch for an afternoon chocolate ceremony. As I finish at 12:20 p.m., many new people are already crowding the porch. I am polite and friendly, but rather than entertain them with ongoing conversation, I close my eyes and attempt to meditate in the nonstop inner craziness.

After Keith’s normal introduction speech and beautiful “Glow Meditation,” I am lightly whimpering with my eyes closed. I feel quite hopeless as Keith announces that we are now entering the part of the ceremony where he spends a lot of time working with individuals.

“Brenda,” Keith suddenly surprises me. “You are going to be releasing a lot of density today. Trust yourself and go for it.”

I love Keith’s unexpected guidance. It helps to get me out of my own way, giving me permission to feel what I have been attempting to suppress. Almost immediately, I sink much deeper into my emotional process.

“Keith,” I speak up, “I feel like I hit a brick wall on Monday evening and Tuesday morning, hitting it at a hundred miles per hour. I took in a little dense energy from the situation in Boston, but it wasn’t that much.”

“Tuesday morning,” I continue,” I ate my chocolate oatmeal, really wanting to write. But by the time I was done eating, I was on the edge of sobbing. I went to my room for ten minutes of emotional release, hoping that I could let go of some of that emotion … and then, more than three hours later, I finally said “eff-it,” giving up and putting on a movie. I simply couldn’t function. Sufi came over around 4:30 p.m. and while talking to her I was literally into and out of suicidal hopelessness and then back to the light on a minute by minute basis, blah, blah, blah.”

A World-Class Empath

“Stop right there,” Keith interrupts me mid sentence. “You have known for some time that you are a powerful group empath. Now you are finally starting to figure out that you do the same thing at the world level.”

Keith goes on to explain that the bombings at the end of the Boston Marathon triggered a lot of repressed societal hopelessness, and that a lot of that collective emotion is now running through me … and that I am believing the emotion to be my own crazy dysfunction.

Keith’s words shock me. Prior to this moment, I had never imagined that my empath magic functioned at this level.

“I remember after 9/11, when the World Trade Center came down, that I was a total mess for weeks,” I explain to Keith with surprise. “At the time, my life was already somewhat falling apart, and I thought all of the emotions I was feeling were from my own personal struggles.”

“No,” Keith confidently reassures me. “You WERE taking in the 9/11 energy.”

Keith coaches me that I can do this much more easily. He reminds me of a belief system I still carry, a belief that “If I am not suffering then I am not doing anything.” Keith helps me to realize that right now I am deeply suffering and feeling this emotion, because I feel it is my duty … and suffering is the only way I can relate to others … etc.

Effortless and Hopeful

As Keith and I converse, I focus on relaxing and expanding my heart. As I do so, I feel my inner suffering cease, and things inside feel much lighter and smoother. In fact, I feel hope and peace.

“You are actually processing more emotion now than you were a few minutes ago when you were suffering,” Keith shares a new insight.

“Really?” I ask with surprise. “I can’t feel anything now.”

“Pay attention to what is happening inside you,” Keith coaches me.

“I feel a gentle rumbling vibration in my heart,” I share a minute or two later. “It is like a big river or something is flowing somewhere nearby. But I would never have felt this or figured this out if you hadn’t guided me to pay attention.”

Keith and I continue to talk for a few minutes. I remain in this nice, effortless energy. In a weird way, I am kind of in shock while no longer suffering.

Internalizing Unbearable Pain

“A pushed-out part of you is now ready to return,” Keith then surprises me.

He shares guidance that this part of me is mainly related to my heart, solar plexus, and throat areas, but possibly other areas as well.

I go into deep relaxation, attempting to allow and surrender to this “soul-retrieval” integration, but I feel helpless, doubtful, and frustrated. I am stuck in my head and do not feel anything, no matter how much I surrender and allow – other than some occasional tingles in the high-heart and throat area.

But rather than succumb to this inner rational-mind doubt, I “fake I till I make it.” Over and over, I force myself to let go of doubt thoughts, replacing them with belief thoughts, knowing thoughts, and positive, confidence-building “this is really happening” thoughts. Even so, I do not feel much as intense frustration festers in the background.

As Keith moves on, I start to realize that my entire life has been quite like this. I have believed myself to be the quintessential loser, knowing that something is horribly wrong with me, and that all of the sadness, pain, agony, and hopelessness that I felt were my own personal emotions.

“My life has been flooded with hopelessness, and much of it was probably not even my own emotion,” I ponder recent events. “In fact, as far back as I can remember, whenever there has been a televised disaster, I have glued myself to the television, taking in every detail, feeling everything deeply.”

Before I learned to numb myself down and detach, I was extremely sensitive to world disasters, tsunamis, earthquakes, space-shuttle explosions, riots, and wars. Through all of those times, I wallowed in heavy emotion, wondering why I was such a loser.

“I believed all of those feelings to be MY dysfunction,” I ponder with shock. “Wow! I was always hurting and suffering from sadness, pain, fear, blah, blah, blah,”

Inner Anger And Rebellion

A while later, as Keith begins to do deep educational work with a few unknowing empaths, I start to feel deep anger surfacing inside of me.

“I have spent my whole eff-ing live believing that something was horribly wrong with me,” I sink into the emotion. “I was not just taking stuff in from parents, family, or workplace, etc…, it was at the planetary level. I eff-ing hurt; I suffered; I was in betrayal agony, especially after 9/11. I am pissed that I have suffered like this.”

In the midst of this inner burst of self-understanding, I feel betrayed by higher powers for forcing me into this agonizing emotional journey … blah, blah, blah.

But I know the truth. I know I designed this lifetime and that I wanted to experience and get lost in all of this stuff, so that one day I could wake up and help heal the planet. But this crazy emotion is real and intense. The anger I feel is overwhelming. Rather than repress this, I consciously choose to allow the anger to surface. I have to feel it before it can be transmuted.

Screaming Rage

As Keith begins the experiential stage of an ongoing empath training, I imagine Archangel Michael standing in front of me, perhaps six feet away. I am determined to participate in this training for the umpteenth time, and I expect that it will likely be another frightening empath experience for me, triggering deeply buried fear and dysfunction.

But instead, my mind is drawn to a different place. I remember recent experiences of meditatively throwing emotional density at angels, and screaming through a metaphorical tube. As these memories surface, I realize that my inability to be a fully-functional empath stems from the fact that my lower chakras remain extremely clogged – plugged and blocked by a repressed lifetime collection of hopelessness, suicidal feelings, and self-loathing anger.

“I want this emotion out of me,” I ponder with determination.

Immediately, I disengage from the empath training, and imagine myself screaming out the intense rage through a metaphorical tube, sending it right to Michael. I trust that Michael is well equipped to be a temporary target of my inner rage.

Throughout the ongoing empath training, I imagine screams of anger and despair raging out of my throat. These screams stem from overwhelming feelings of being abandoned, alone, clueless, helpless, and victimized. These are feelings of resentment about how I was given such powerful magic – but without any training, that magic had become my worst nightmare, the taproot of a lifetime of self-loathing dysfunction.

The anger that spews out of me is deep – much of it more than five decades old. Some of the anger is quite recent however. It stems from the sheer hopelessness of still not feeling as if I am getting the help I need to heal this inner Pandora’s Box.

I know this putrid rage is all part of my blah-blah God drama tantrum, but I am determined to feel it to the core, as deeply as I dare venture, hoping that if I do so I can bring in the light to transmute it.

Depths Of Despair

The deeper I go into this cesspool of emotion, the less I want to involve the light, and the more I want to feel the emotion. But still, I hang onto the observer thread. I am determined to go down there and scream this stuff out of me.

“I may be scamming myself with more God-drama delay tactics,” I ponder with curiosity, “and I may be just digging through a mountain with a spoon, but what I am doing feels very real and necessary. I give myself conscious permission to go there.”

For the majority of the empath training – and even for some time afterward – I pull a scarf over my head, partially hiding from the world. Under that veil of secrecy, I am sobbing, crying, shaking, dry heaving, and screaming in silence – literally screaching at the top of my lungs, but without making a sound.

Finally, as I realize I have gone as deep as I dare go, I yearn for the light, love, and joy to fill me. I attempt to give up the anger, trying to release it, but instead, I seem to be clinging to it. I do not want to give it up.

I soon visualize myself at the top of that “Jagged Edge” waterslide, reminding myself that I chose this wild journey, and that I wanted to get lost in this agony. I made the decision to come to this planet in 1955, acquire my training by getting totally lost, and then wake up so that I would be the age that I am now during this phase of the planetary awakening.

I KNOW this is true at one level, but this awareness does nothing to soothe the fact that I am eff-ing angry at God AND at myself. In fact, I am quite clear that this is ALL self-anger and self-loathing for having agreed to get intensely lost in the NOT knowing rational mind … in the helplessness, hopelessness, and despair.

Right now, I am at the depths of that despair, not knowing what to do or how to proceed. I want to let this go. I want to love myself. But I cannot go there.

Searching for Light, Joy, and Self-Love

I hold Bobby-bear, squeezing him tightly to my chest. I invite light, joy, self-love, and whatever source of unconditional love, trying to surrender, but feeling futile as I experience my own insane resistance.

I repeatedly try to surrender, asking for the light, but when I do, a stronger feeling of “I really don’t want that eff-ing light” consumes me.

I eventually remove the scarf from my head, continuing to whimper here and there as I attempt to reconnect with present-day physical reality. Gradually, I begin to feel a little better, a tiny bit lighter. I even get the sensation that maybe some of the heaviness is being transmuted, but I get the feeling that most of the lightness is coming from having done a significant amount of emotional release via the “hard bus” methods.

I am in a state of shock, confusion, disorientation, and cluelessness. Eventually, as I continue attempting to relax into the light – trying to allow a tiny smile and a smidgeon of joy, a friend turns to look at me. We stare into each other’s eyes for about twenty minutes. Gradually, I begin to feel increasing nudges of self-love, but I am still resisting … still unable to smile or laugh. My friend smiles a few times near the end of our eye-gazing encounter, but I still cannot muster the ability to remain in the smile.

Finally, I close my eyes and go back inside.

Dysfunctional Payoffs

“Brenda,” Keith interrupts briefly, “there is a ball of light above your head, just waiting for you to let some of it in.”

I sit in frustration for the next hour, feeling stuck and unable to allow myself to feel any magical energy. The storyteller in me feels ignored by Keith during my deep state of need, yet I know I am perfect right where I am, and I know there is nothing anyone else could say or do to make this any easier. I know that I do not need outside help, and that no one can coach me using rational mind regarding how to do something that is not done with the mind.

“I have done it before,” I encourage myself. “I CAN do it again.”

But I remain stuck, feeling quite hopeless as the ceremony begins to fade. Many around me are stacking pillows and folding blankets, but I am NOT done, and I am in a state of semi-shock.

Keith continues to work with a few people, and literally, most of what he says to them feels as if it he is speaking directly to me. He is talking to a few other empaths about their journeys, talking about how they feel as if something is wrong with them. And then he talks about their inner payoffs for remaining in the dysfunction – excuses for remaining in smallness.

“I am still playing these silly payoff games,” I ponder in confusion. “I am still refusing to let this putrid emotion go, even though I know it is at the core of my dysfunction. Wow! It sucks.”

Despondent Resistance

Finally, as the porch is nearly empty, a friend asks if there is something she can do to help me.

“I don’t know,” I reply with despondency. “I am totally lost. I don’t know anything right now.”

I appreciate the gesture of support, but am too hopelessly lost to do much. Soon, this friend just sits down right in front of me and sends energy my way. For about five minutes, I am blown away as I feel a cool breeze of loving energy flowing into me, beginning to change how I feel on the inside. I sense the energy as beautiful, loving, and magical – but I remain resistant, and am unable to let most of it in. A few minutes later, this friend stops, and returns to her seat. As she does so, I feel the cool, magical energy quickly vanish, and I am back in the deep stuckness.

I later tell take a few minutes to share with this friend just how beautiful and magical her energy had been.

A Personal Journey

“Brenda,” Keith shares at the end of the ceremony. “You got a huge, eye opening awakening today regarding another level of what you do.”

I quickly explain the intense victimized anger that I have been releasing today – the intense bottomless cesspool of rage regarding how dysfunctional my life has been because of this magic.

This leads into a deeper discussion of the God drama, as Keith again explains that this is MY game, that I am still playing it, and that I need to own it.

“I do own this is what I am doing,” I defend myself. “Today I observed and felt myself refusing to give up my anger, my emotions, my ammunition, my game.”

Keith is very compassionate in the conversation, yet equally unbending in his determination to point out that I am playing this game, and that I can keep playing it until I am done.

“Can’t you give me any help in working through this?” I beg for advice.

“I wish I had more guidance to share about how it will happen for you,” Keith responds with compassion.

He goes on to explain that it is different for every person, and that we must each follow our inner process as it unfolds.

Hugely Positive Cluelessness

I feel so clueless and lost, yet I KNOW that today was hugely positive in my process. I did have massive eye-opening insights about being a world-level empath – profound understanding about a lifetime of dysfunction. Yet I also recognize that much anger yet remains repressed inside me. It is anger that has been buried and hidden. Yes, much was released today, a large percentage in fact, but I know that more remains waiting to be found and transmuted.

“I know so much more now than when I came to the ceremony today,” I ponder with hope. “I am in much less denial and a lot more inner knowing … yet I am still lost and clueless.”

“I just need to bring in more self-love,” I share my plan with Keith.

I then tell him how I have been trying for more than an hour to access that ball of light he mentioned earlier.

“Love your self for being in that place,” Keith encourages. “This is the most important thing you can do … loving yourself for being exactly where you are.”

As I prepare to walk home, I again thank Keith, acknowledging how I absolutely know that today was powerful for me – mentioning that I am in shock, but that all is good.

I walk home at the usual snail’s pace, very slow, very lost, very confused, very happy, and very sad. Yet I remain quite confident that I am in a powerful place. My entire focus right now is attempting to love myself, even in the midst of intense, not-knowing, stuckness.

As I prepare for bed, I am shocked to read Facebook posts regarding another world disaster today – one involving a fertilizer factory explosion in West, Texas. While drifting off to sleep, I do everything I can to focus on love and higher energy. I do not want to run any more intense emotion through me in a painful way.

An Inner Demon

Thursday morning, after a much-needed restful sleep, I again trudge back to Keith’s porch at noon, continuing to feel quite numb.

“How are you doing Brenda?” Keith asks as he sits down in his seat.

I begin to cry as I briefly summarize my ongoing stuckness, how I am trying just to love myself. I tell Keith how I stood in front of a mirror, trying to love the woman staring back at me, but it is very hard, and that all I can do right now is numb myself with more movies.

Keith is compassionate, showing deep interest in my journey, validating how difficult it can be.

“Many people I know are in similar states of deep God-drama stuckness right now,” Keith reminds me that I am not alone.

Again, we talk about my God-drama, how I need to love myself and own the game I am playing.

“I feel helpless and hopeless,” I beg for guidance. “I think I own that I am playing these games, but no matter what I do, the wham, wham, wham hits me so hard that I don’t feel capable of hanging on. It is as if there is a demon inside of me.”

Keith again compassionately acknowledges how hard it can be, but does not give me more advice.

Lost And Drowning

Keith then speaks to the whole group, matter-of-factly explaining all about the God/ Deity/ Separation Drama to the new people. He gives a long, detailed beautiful description of how we play out our emotional pain with inner children, with parents, with relationships, with health, with abundance, and with teachers. We do this in all areas of our life, until we eventually reach the level of realizing that it is really about healing the games that we play that keep us separate from Source.

As Keith gives this explanation, he is smiling with a huge grin, speaking with no emotion, almost laughing about the crazy journey we set up for ourselves.

“I wish I could wipe that shit-ass smile off your face,” I speak to Keith in jest.

I am shocked by my own blunt courage, but I really mean it. I feel like his smiling enthusiasm is very insensitive and not compassionate to someone in the midst of the pain. It feels kind of like walking up to a funeral and invalidating the grieving of those who have a loved one that just passed away.

Of course, I know and acknowledge the truth of Keith’s words – and of course I know the silly absurdity of playing out an inner tantrum with the very light and love that can heal me – and I see that the inner tantrum-thrower in me is doing everything to project blame outside of myself.

I know, I know … I am massively projecting my pain onto Keith. I know that it is all one big cosmic joke, and that one day I will be able to laugh and smile about it too – but right now, I am lost and drowning.

An Inner Ego Rant

Keith spends nearly a half hour in a beautiful explanation to the group, talking about the complexities of the God / Separation drama. Repeatedly, he acknowledges with compassion, the intense, deep, and advanced work that I am doing.

I feel embarrassed for my earlier comment. Keith is profoundly validating my process right now, but he is also not turning back to work with me in a direct way. I know that there is nothing Keith can do to enlighten me. Healing my dysfunctional God-drama tantrum is an inside job.

“But why can’t he give me personal assistance in better understanding exactly what are the elements of the game I play? Blah, blah, blah.” The inner ego voices chatter.

I know that this part of me is begging for rational-mind guidance to solve a dilemma that simply is not solvable using the rational mind. But this “knowing” infuriates ego.

I ignore this inner trauma and continue to trust that all is perfect. Nonetheless, I remain deeply stuck in hopelessness.

The Wrong Tool

“Brenda,” Keith turns to me when his beautiful speech is over. “You have heard that a hundred times before, haven’t you?”

“Yeah,” I acknowledge with clarity. “But it is all just words, words, words. I understand all of it at the rational mind level, but remain clueless as to how to move beyond it when rational mind is not the tool. I have no clue how to surrender.”

“It is a technique-less technique,” Keith shares something I have also heard hundreds of times. “You either do it or you don’t.”

I want to slap Keith for making it sound so easy … yet so impossible.

“How do I do it if there is no way to DO it?” I ponder in exasperation. “ARRRRGH.”

As Keith works with a couple of other people, what he does with them is perfect for my process. It is not direct God-drama work, but deeply touches on my struggles.

One woman is dealing with deep jealousy issues. Keith helps guide her on a right-brain journey, during which much of what he says is exactly what I need to hear. The words later escape me, but they involve deep understanding of trust, surrender, and not being able to figure out the answer with rational mind.

As Keith works with the second individual, he triggers an understanding that, “I am hating my rational mind.” The issue has to do with an incessant rational mind that wants to do everything by itself. Keith suggests that rather than hating rational mind’s stuckness, that another approach is to give the mind permission NOT to have to do everything all by itself.

As I eavesdrop about my need to love rather than reject rational mind, I remember an Albert Einstein quote, one stating that, “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.”

“I have been demanding that my rational mind figure this out,” I ponder with clarity. “Yet rational mind is not the correct tool to do so.”

As insane as it sounds, I feel deep anger toward rational mind for not being up to the task.

Childhood Clarity

Immediately, memories of childhood tantrums begin to surface in my mind – tantrums quite similar to present-day God-drama games. Beginning at around age five or six, I have numerous memories of throwing a fit with my mother when I was asked to do any type of creative activity for church or school. I have analyzed these memories many times, but never before “felt” them in an experiential way like I do today.

“I cannot do this,” I remember the agonizing childhood emotions. “I don’t know how to do this. If I try to do it by myself, I will do it wrong. People will ridicule me. They will make fun of me and not love me if I do it wrong, blah, blah, blah.”

Even at that young age, my right-brain, intuitive, creative side was almost completely shut down. I now realize that this childhood tantrum is EXACTLY what I am doing now. I was terrified that the left-brain logical side of me did not know how to do something. Because of that, I demanded help. I needed someone to hold my hand through anything that did not have a well-defined recipe. I was brilliant in my left-brain, yet I absolutely knew that I would fail if someone did not step in and help me. My little logical mind was helpless and incapable of doing the right brain’s job – yet I did not know how to access the right brain magic. I required extensive hand holding and constant validation every time someone expected me to take a tiny step outside the logical box.

An Impossible Task

“Wow,” I ponder with shock. “Today I am putting this same pressure on rational mind, I am throwing an intense tantrum that it doesn’t know how to do what I am demanding of it. It doesn’t know how to figure out the answers. It doesn’t know how to induce a mystical experience.”

It is clear that I am frustrated, nervous, uptight, demanding, angry, and insisting that my rational mind is a failure – a defective loser – because it cannot solve this unsolvable riddle for me. I am demanding that it do a job that is impossible for it to do. Rational mind is an expert in words, but it does not have the ability to give actual experience – and it is actual experience that I need now.

With words, my mind could describe my experience of macaroni and cheese with color and flare, but no matter how hard I try, I could never convey the actual taste and texture. To complicate matters, every person that tries to describe macaroni and cheese would use different collections of words, doing so from their own unique perspective, with their own version of the truth according to them.

Likewise, with spiritual experience, when people try to describe a mystical experience, there is a cultural tendency to fixate on the words – debating whose description is the truer one – intellectualizing spirituality with left-brain logic. The experience itself is completely ignored, while the words are often turned into dogma.

The only way to truly learn about macaroni and cheese is to have the actual personal experience. And my left brain is simply not the tool to guide me into the spiritual and emotional healing that I desire … period!

“I have been really hard on my rational mind,” I ponder. “It is time to give it a break … to give it a little love rather than criticism.”

A Much Deserved Rest

As Keith guides Steven deeper and deeper into a magical process, I am surprised when he asks Steven an unexpected question.

“Can you feel that some of your new expansion and peace is streaming over toward Brenda, and that she is letting a little of that in?” Keith asks Steven.

“Brenda, you are not letting all of it in,” Keith tells me with I glance up with curiosity. “But you are letting a little in, and the rest is remaining in your field for a future time when you are ready to receive it.”

As Steven tells Keith that he can feel a little expansion energy flowing my way, I also note that in the last five minutes I have actually begun to feel a tiny bit lighter, feeling a little more hopeful and slightly less self-loathing.

I perk up, listening more, while increasing my relaxation and focus on allowing without doing. For a while now, I have been quite gentle on my rational mind, actually asking it to take a break, to sit on a beach or take a nap – getting a much-deserved rest from all of the impossible responsibility that I have dumped onto it over a difficult lifetime of unreasonable expectations on my part.

A few minutes later, Steven turns to look at me. Almost immediately, our eyes lock in an extended shared gaze.

A Bumpy Energy Flow

“Brenda, relax more,” Steven eventually coaches me. “Allow and ask your rational mind to take a nap.”

I giggle inside as I know this is the exact same metaphor I have been imagining. With Steven’s encouragement, I again ask my mind to take a much-deserved breather.

“Please, just allow and don’t feel pressured to concern yourself with needing to do anything right now in my process,” I silently whisper to my nervous rational mind.

As I do this, I feel a lull in the mental chatter. It is nice and peaceful. Gradually, I experience some type of rough energetic vibration in my body. It is similar to the mild inner shaking that might happen while sitting next to loud speakers, or by a roaring waterfall. The inner feeling is a personal experience, impossible to adequately describe with words.

This shaking vibration is not what I expect. It is not joyful, nor is it happy or liberating. In fact, it is almost distracting and uncomfortable, slightly unnerving, like something I would have pushed away as anxious or negative.

“How do you feel now?” Steven soon asks me.

“Still sad and unmotivated,” I respond with an unknowing shoulder shrug. “But I am feeling this new energy in my heart, neck, and head.”

“This energy is who you really are,” Steven surprises me.

I feel puzzled because it is still not what I expect. It feels rough and bumpy. I sit in this space for a few minutes, continuing to feel this roughly flowing energy. Steven again tells me something quite similar.

“You are looking for this outside yourself,” Steven leans closer and whispers to me. “You are looking for it in my eyes, and in other sources. You need to find that validation directly within your own heart.”

“This is not coming from me,” Steven reassures me. “I am not doing it or giving this energy to you.”

Steven stares into my eyes for a while longer. I continue to feel this energy, increasingly surrendering into it with full trust, discomfort and all. Eventually, Steven moves on to work with someone else.

A Trusting Peaceful Journey

For the next three hours, I sit in total, peaceful silence while observing this energy as it churns and moves things in my body. It feels like an uncomfortable “Goddess’s Operating Table” where things are being worked on at a higher level. It is not painful, but there is considerable vibration, twitching, and churning, in many places.

Gradually, the energy experience expands, moving into the shoulders and upper arms, and moving down through the lower heart, solar plexus, and eventually lower belly regions. As it reaches the second chakra below the belly button, it first twitches and churns on the right side, and then later on the left.

Through it all, a deep sense of trust and inner knowing tell me that this is some type of energy expansion – one that is somewhat uncomfortable and a little painful at times. Intuitions whisper that a part of me is returning. The energy in my body feels increasingly complete and solid, but also quite ordinary – nothing especially magical in nature. But I am quite clear as the pains move around. It definitely feels like expansion and awakening rather than some type of density.

Almost constantly, I keep asking rational mind to, “Please sit on the sidelines for this one.” I ask it not to try to keep tabs, to refrain from play-by-play announcing, and to just trust without needing to understand anything.

Rational Mind Fix

As the ceremony nears completion, the unexpected, different energy continues to churn here and there. But increasing inner chatter whines and complains that I am lost and ignored, not knowing what I am doing, and that I need some type of validation, blah, blah, blah.

I sit in a weird funky energy until the end of ceremony. As music plays next door, I temporarily lighten inside, but I cannot maintain that feeling. I grow increasingly numb and lost.

“How are you doing?” Keith asks me as I am preparing to leave.

“I have no clue,” I respond in confusion.

“Good,” Keith responds with a smile.

“Keith,” I politely beg, “I would love some type of feedback to help me trust what I am doing. I have no idea if I was working with real energy or just scamming myself. I really love how Steven helped me trust myself a little more today, and I would just like more of that type of assistance from you.”

“Brenda,” Keith responds. “I have increasingly been guided NOT to give you that. It is like giving you a rational mind fix that just enables you and does not serve.”

“It is time for you to stop trying to figure things out and stop using rational mind,” Keith soon adds. “And trying to help rational mind is just prolonging the problem.”

Painful Compliments

I kind of understand what Keith is trying to tell me. In fact, in retrospect it is exactly what I was focused on working with today, but in this moment I feel hurt and rejected. I just want a simple comment to reassure me that what I am doing is valid and productive. I believe I am making great progress, but still want that hand-up here and there, saying “good job.”

As I push the issue, Keith tells me that he is guided that it is time for me to start getting feedback from other sources, from people like Steven, and from the same sources that guided me to go back to school, and to travel etc…

I am now feeling deeply abandoned, as if Keith is saying he is not going to help me anymore, and I am being told to finish cleaning up remaining struggles all by myself. I know this is not the case, but this is the emotion raging through me.

“Whether you did amazing work today, or whether you were scamming yourself big time … either way it was perfect for your process,” Keith reassures me. “It is exactly where you needed to go for your growth as your flow is designing it.”

Without verbalizing, I grumble inside, because I see other magical people getting profound help, and here I am, feeling stuck, alone, and abandoned.

“Brenda,” Keith reassures me, “you are advanced enough in your process to know that you cannot do it wrong, that all is perfect, that every experience is your creation, and that you need to quit thinking about it, quit trying to figure it out, and just trust your flow.”

Keith is giving me huge compliments, but I take them in a painful way. An inner tantrum is brewing, insisting that I am being abandoned, and that I cannot do this by myself. Sound familiar?

Angry At Rational Mind

In my present state, following Keith’s advice just to “trust my flow” feels like giving up – like saying that I am going to fail. The part of me in charge right now absolutely knows that the only way to move forward is if I make it happen. I know this is a lie, but it sure feels real right now.

Even though I am “debating” with Keith, I am profoundly impressed by his patience with me right now. In many ways, I am being like a child throwing a hissy fit, and he is giving me beautiful answers – just not the ones I want to hear. They are not answers that help soothe the rational mind. I still want to figure things out, and feel helpless and angry that I cannot.

“I figured out today that my rational mind has been frustrated and angry at all of the unreasonable expectations that I have put on it,” I then share a new insight with Keith. “My whole life, I have been demanding that rational mind be able to solve all my struggles.”

“Brenda, it is not rational mind that is angry,” Keith suggests. “It is more likely that YOU are angry at rational mind for not being able to figure out.”

An Abandoned Ego

Keith then reminds me of an article he shared with me a couple of years ago, one written by Jach Pursel – the man who channels Lazaris. Keith suggests that I read it again. But even without doing that, I remember enough to get the point.

As memory tells me, it was an article about “negative ego” – what I would normally refer to as just plain “ego” when I write. Without going back to find and quote the story, I remember that it talks of a corporation mailroom employee who was left to run the corporation all by himself. The employee does his best to complete his duties, but it is an impossible and overwhelming job. The story then compares this character with negative ego, talking about how there is a positive ego in charge of our survival in this physical body. But that, when left to do the job all by himself, with only the use of rational mind, without higher dimensional assistance, the mailroom employee can get frustrated and angry, feeling resentful and abandoned, sabotaging and throwing tantrums, fighting against the corporation. I do not fully remember the details, but this is enough for my purposes.

I clearly realize that Keith is suggesting that, “it is my ego that is angry at rational mind.” It is my ego throwing the tantrum, frustrated and angry that rational mind cannot figure everything out and take me to enlightenment. It is this hopeless and helpless ego demanding help and validation at the rational mind level. … not believing that the help can come from anywhere else.

“My childhood temper tantrums with my mother were just like this,” I ponder with clarity. “And my emotional tantrum right now is exactly the same thing. I am still angry that I cannot figure this out with rational mind. And this dominant ego part of me refuses to cooperate because it is a rigged game. I won’t do it if I cannot first figure it out, blah, blah, blah.”

Wow, it is so clear, yet I am so lost.

Raging Emotions

Even though Keith is giving me exactly what I need, I go home feeling confused and dejected. As I cook dinner, Sufi stops by for a chat. As I attempt to explain my confusing emotional state, I am shocked by the agonizing emotions that suddenly surface – deep suicidal feelings of hopelessness and failure, insisting that I am a fraud and a loser.

“Would you read my story if I write a book titled “Adventure to Suicide?” I painfully joke with Sufi. “It would be a book about four amazing years of beautiful synchronous events and growth, ending in wanting to kill myself.”

We joke with each other, because I know I will not do that, yet the emotions flowing through me right now feel just like that. The emotions demand that I am a screw-up with no future. Right now, the very thought of attempting to stand in front of a mirror, loving myself back to the truth, makes me want to vomit. It is all I can do to remain the observer of these self-hatred and self-loathing emotions.

I DO Know How

Just after 8:30 p.m., I call a dear friend back home. I am not calling to share stories and seek validation for my negative state. I am reaching out for a helping heart to guide me back into a heart-spaced knowing.

It is a conversation filled at times with sobbing emotional release, allowing heavy, agonizing emotions to flow out of me. It is a conversation of beautiful channeling, helping me remove the words “I don’t know how” from my vocabulary, replacing them with openness, willingness, and courage to surrender even further. It is a conversation instilling confidence and trust that even though I still fear the light, that the light is the very magic that will soothe and heal in ways that rational mind cannot comprehend.

“The words ‘I don’t know how!’ are what close the shutters, blocking the light out,” my friend channels beautiful words. “Then the pain seeps in and the light cannot help you, creating doubts. When all the childhood hurts, confusion, and pain flood in, and you can’t make heads or tails of it, wrap your arms around your self, and ask the angels to do it too.”

Near the end of this long and beautiful, healing conversation, my dear friend points out that I am abusing myself, like a parent hitting their own child.

“Quit holding yourself hostage,” My friend shares. “Your ego is holding you hostage, literally holding a gun to your head. Love everything about yourself, no matter what, even the self-hatred, self-loser emotions. Don’t fight it … hug it, love it, love it, love it, no matter how angry, sad, or happy.”

An Emotional Revelation

It has been a wild and educational four days, beginning in a state of exhaustion, which always makes things more humbling in the end.

The ceremony on Monday began as any other, with a nice energy and a realization that I was again reading a few pains empathically. In the process of following synchronous breadcrumbs and flowing hints, I asked rational mind to sit back and bask on a beach. Rather than control my process, I put a great deal of focus on surrender and trust, without knowing or needing to know anything.

Even before reading a few Facebook posts on Monday evening, I was already experiencing a confusing energy flow of unexpected emotion as the ceremony neared conclusion. I believed that the confusing emotions were simply part of my process, something from inside me. After briefly feeling a kick-in-the-gut while reading about the bombings in Boston, I did not connect the dots. I just continued to spiral ever downward, believing everything I felt as being my own.

And a wild emotional ride it was, taking the rest of Monday evening, all of Tuesday, and a portion of Wednesday. Tuesday was by far the worst as I lost myself in helpless, insane, rapid emotional cycling – in hopelessness that made absolutely no sense based on my present circumstances. If Keith had not said something early in the Wednesday ceremony, I may not have put all the puzzle pieces together.

But as I went back in time, reviewing countless memories from the past, it became increasingly obvious to me. I am one of those empaths who takes in emotional densities from all over the planet. So much of my life now made sense. Yet, as I pondered the chaos in my life, other emotions then raged forth – emotions of repressed anger and rage for how my life has been so screwed up. I really wanted to project responsibility elsewhere. I really wanted to be a victim of those dysfunctional empath abilities.

A Rough Few Days

After spending most of the ceremony on Wednesday, deeply exploring this repressed despair, anger, rage, and victim emotion, I hid under a scarf. I called in Archangel Michael and used a recent metaphor to scream out as much of this putrid emotion as possible, doing so without making a sound – other than the sounds of sobbing, dry heaving, and coughing that is.

It was a day of deep understanding and compassion from Keith, a day of delving ever deeper into the reasons why I continue to resist bringing in the light. In fact I was unable to drop my defenses enough to feel even a little of the divine love and light that I know is waiting and abundantly available.

After letting myself get to the bottom of an agonizing emotional layer, I struggled to remind myself that I chose all of this, that I wanted to be born in 1955, get hopelessly lost in the rational mind, get messed up by emotional chaos, and then struggle to wake up – all in the name of learning compassion. It was a day that left me in a state of shock and confusion. Even as I increasingly understand more of the payoffs, I seem helpless to stop the inner tantrum.

And ouch, Thursday is painful as I explore the inner tantrums of an ego that is deeply angry at rational mind for not being able to solve this unsolvable riddle – for not being able to come up with a useful recipe to help me slip into magical enlightenment using words and techniques all documented in a neat little recipe.

With each experience, I am blown away by the simplicity of how a childhood tantrum with my mother is exactly what I am doing still, even with Keith – demanding that this is a rigged game and that I cannot do what is expected of me without constant hand holding help and repeated validation. And the deeper I lose myself in the ego tantrum, the more the hopelessness becomes overwhelmingly real. It boggles the mind that something so obvious and simple can be so insanely complex to undo.

I am so thankful for loving, inspired friends who remind me who I am, who gently point out how ego is holding me hostage, how my tantrum itself is what closes the shutters and blocks out the very light that I so crave.

I get it, I really do. Self-love and self-compassion are key … as are trust and surrender to the “not-knowing” of things that rational mind cannot yet comprehend.

It has been a rough few days, but I am still on the path, hugging open wounds, feeling much stronger, much wiser, and much more compassionate with myself.

… to be continued …

Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “Power Surges And Glitches.”

After a beautiful Wednesday afternoon ceremony, I rush home for a quick homemade banquet of rice and beans before returning to Keith’s porch to assist in bagging three-hundred pounds of freshly ground chocolate. As I return home shortly after 8:00 p.m., I attempt to watch an Abraham video, but cannot focus.

At first, I blame this distraction on a very noisy town that is preparing for the annual “Feria” in a couple of weeks (an annual festival in honor of the town’s patron Saint … Saint Mark). But as I get honest with myself, I soon realize that I am feeling annoyed, frustrated, and deeply distracted on the inside.

Still unable to focus, I retire to bed early, hoping to do some reclining relaxation and meditation. To my shock, as I attempt to relax my hips, I am suddenly overwhelmed by anxious feelings that totally consume me. As I ponder, I do not remember ever before having attempted to relax my hips in this way.

The intense anxiety keeps me awake until after midnight. On Thursday morning, April 11, I am so tired from an unfulfilling sleep that I can barely crawl out of bed, even after sleeping in for a few extra hours.

Hopeless Anxiety

As I sit at my computer, doing taxes of all things, I remain distracted and anxious. Once the annual tax ritual is complete, it is all I can do to play mind numbing computer games while hopelessness flows in my veins. Much of the hopeless feeling stems from an apathetic belief that after 58 years of extremely clenched muscles in my body, there is no way I will ever be free of the tension – and that nearly every time I attempt to relax, I feel some level of panic that frightens me away.

As I walk out to Keith’s home, shortly before noon, I feel painful pressure in my forehead. I know something big is brewing. In the ensuing afternoon workgroup ceremony, around eighteen people are present. As often happens, we get a late start, and then Keith is called down into the garden to handle a delivery of freshly peeled cacao beans.

As I sit silently, hoping for some type of energetic relief, I feel deeply stuck, simply attempting to trust and surrender, waiting patiently for something to trigger new growth. Finally, Keith glances at me, and I speak up, begging for assistance.

“I know this is all story again,” I begin my sharing, “but I am feeling really discouraged and hopeless. Last night when I tried to relax my hips, it triggered another round of anxiety. I feel like my body will not allow me to release this.”

“And I know this is bullshit,” I explain a higher knowing. “It is all stories. I HAVE made huge progress. My belly is much less anxious now and I am moving in the right direction.”

Crazy Agony

Keith works with me for a few minutes, guiding me inside to begin a journey. Meanwhile, Steven tickles my foot and tries to make me laugh. I immediately sink into repressed dry heaving, which I quickly bring under control and push back down.

“I almost started something really big,” I explain my confusion to Keith regarding how I just pushed the emotion down.

Keith moves on as I sit in this confusion. I observe as Keith asks a friend to work with a young woman. My friend ends up engaging the other woman in a long and loud session, like a private healing session. I find it very distracting. At the same time, another friend is talking aloud as he works with someone else. And down in the garden, where workers continue finishing touches on Keith’s new cacao workshop, loud hammering repeatedly shakes my bones. The noises around me are literally driving me crazy.

I recognize this intensity as being my projection, knowing that the reaction I am having is not normal – that it is my stage play, an inner drama projected outward, showing me more of my God-drama distraction curtain.

Finally, after more than an hour, Keith turns back to me and asks how I am doing.

“I am going CRAZY with distractions,” I express in tearful frustration. “The noises and side conversations are overwhelming me. I am unable to focus on anything. I KNOW it is all perfect, and that it is another intense “choice point” to enter that separation drama loop.”

“I feel like I just want to scream,” I share with honest agony. “I am so confused. I never know if I should go into the density, of if perhaps doing so is just like digging through a mountain with a spoon. I don’t want to go into delay tactics. I want to embrace the light. But I also understand that the emotion needs to be felt and transmuted.”

Accessing The Passion

“There is no right answer,” Keith reassures me. “Just trust your flow.”

I am tearing up again when Keith briefly moves on. I feel discouraged, but do somewhat trust that I am in a good place. I can feel inner blocks swelling and pressurizing, so I know that something inside is about to blow.

“Trust yourself and do what you need to do,” Keith briefly turns back to me. “Close your eyes.”

Keith then reminds me of how passionate I am about my writing … of how I go home after every ceremony to take notes … and how I spend an entire day passionately putting the pieces together in detailed writing that always shows me how perfectly synchronized every experience was.

“Go inside and connect with this same passionate energy in your process today,” Keith encourages.

I know that all is perfect and that these distractions are part of my process … but I cannot find peace in the moment and I DO want to scream.

Releasing Something Big

As I surrender to Keith’s compassionate guidance, the emotion consumes me, and I repeatedly begin to dry heave, uncontrollably, not breathing for up to a minute at a time. The emotional release is intense.

A few minutes later, Steven reaches over and begins to tickle Bobby-bear. I start to laugh as if Steven was actually tickling me. He pokes Bobby in the belly, and I laugh some more. Over and over, he and another friend do silly things, repeatedly taking me into more laughter.

But every time I laugh at these funny events, I go into another intense round of deep emotional release, doing so in the middle of the laughter. Each time, the laughter quickly fades as I gasp for breath in the midst of more dry heaving.

I feel incapable of bringing in more light during this fun-but-agonizing process. Instead, I continue to go through layer after layer, deeper and deeper. I really want to scream out as I feel real emotional density leaving my throat. Many times, I place my hand on my throat, feeling the jarred-loose energy flowing from my belly and out via my throat.

“Brenda,” Keith begins to speak with deep compassion. “Joy has been your worst nightmare since you were a child. You really did feel like screaming, but were not allowed to do so. You had to repress it and bottle it up.”

Just before the heaviest part of this release process, Keith reminded me that I am now releasing the “Something Really Big” that I had repressed and pushed down earlier. I use his words as encouragement to further surrender, not holding back just because I am tired of doing public release work.

Inner Screams

“Brenda,” Keith continues inspired guidance. “Imagine a channel opening up between you and an angel. Let an inner scream go directly from you to the angel, via that channel, perhaps seeing the channel as a tube or something.”

As I continue this overwhelming and agonizing release process, I imagine myself literally screaming at this angel, doing so physically in every way, only without the sound. Instead, I am sending the sound of the scream via this metaphorical tube. In some ways, I see it as being quite similar to throwing buckets of putrid emotional density at a group of angels, but in a way that is much more effective in this moment.

I continue this silent screaming for more than an hour, literally feeling as if I am screaming … screaming … screaming. I have my eyes closed, but somehow know that others are holding space and supporting me. I overhear as Keith tells one beautiful young woman that what she is doing in her own tears is helping me. I briefly glance out the corner of one eye and see this friend move closer.

“Brenda,” another friend soon speaks up, “I am in a good place today, and will take whatever you can give me.”

“You are already taking it and doing a beautiful job with it,” Keith reassures this friend.

At one point, she leans forward and touches my knee. I sense her genuine attempt to share love and support, but the physical touch distracts me. The old me would have been annoyed and asked her to stop. The new me just smiles as I silently continue to scream. I am too deep in the agony to care. I scream and scream and scream, dry heaving constantly, gasping occasionally to catch my breath as tears continue streaming down my cheeks.

Through it all the screams remain absolutely silent as I imagine them being redirected through a tube to a loving, patient, compassionate angel.

Filling With Light

Gradually, after what must be an hour or more, the emotion starts to subside. At this time, I begin to focus on bringing in more light. Over time, I start to feel lots of light, to the point of pleasant dizziness. I am in shock, a form of posttraumatic stress, feeling as if I am not in my body, perhaps somewhere else.

“Wow, Brenda,” Keith speaks up and giggles a while later. “You are so powerful that you made the Muni (municipal building) start to play music.”

I had noticed just a minute earlier that the city was playing enjoyable music on the loudspeakers. The melody was synchronously matching my mood, and with perfect volume. I am in a very nice energy now, but still not giggling with joy. I remain in a mild state of shock.

Steven and I lock eyes for a few minutes. I feel some energy flow. Then I glance at another young woman who immediately catches my gaze. We do not break eye contact for more than a half hour. As I focus on seeing the divine while sharing energy with this friend, I continue to gradually fill with more love and light. Finally, I simply close my eyes, meditating quietly.

I am quite emotional, shedding a few more tears as I increasingly bring in more self-love for the part of me that needed to scream … that was so intensely distracted … that was so crazy with discouragement and hopelessness. In this moment, I love that little child … that teenager … and the adult in me that needed to scream.

I literally feel as if I have just finished screaming out a lifetime of screams … yet intuitions whisper that more repressed screams remain yet unexpressed, waiting for another occasion.

Sharing The Tube

Keith and I briefly talk about the emotion and about my process. I tell him that I think what I am feeling right now is love mixed with sadness … combined with new hope, new space, and new self-love.

“I feel like I let so many screams go, but not all,” I share inner guidance with my teacher.

“You were perfect,” Keith congratulates me. “You did what you needed to do today.

Keith again shares that if I had tried to do more, that it would have created too much fear or backlash. He also hints that there might be some ego backlash or emotional counterattack as a result of the beautiful release work that I did.

“Brenda,” Keith then guides me, “share that screaming-tube with your little child.”

I spend a few minutes in meditation, telling little Bobby and Sharon that they can scream into this tube whenever they need to, but I feel as if I am mostly in my head, unable to fully feel the meditation right now. But I trust that this metaphor will come in quite useful in future inner work. I know I need to return to work with these parts of me who repressed such emotion for so very long.

Personal Higher Guidance

Finally, a friend asks Keith if he will guide a pillar of light meditation. Just after saying “yes,” Keith pauses for a minute, closing his eyes and checking in with flowing guidance.

“I’m feeling guided that we are going to do this meditation a little differently today,” Keith then shares with the group.

“Brenda,” Keith surprises me, “I am guided to ask you to please follow along with this. There is something in the meditation for you today.”

Given where I was at, I might have just sat this one out. I am grateful for the heads up comment, and excited by a spark of inner knowing that this meditation is being guided at a higher level, just for my benefit.

The meditation proceeds as normal, except that every time Keith guides us to work with the energies of various chakra regions, he repeatedly focuses quite intensely on guiding us to ask our Higher Self to assist us in opening and/or repairing energetic channels … first in the root, then the second chakra. Then he spends considerable extra time encouraging us to allow this energy to fill our second chakra. At this point, I begin to feel a tiny bit of energy expansion in the lower abdomen.

Meanwhile, I am crying a lot, because I see this meditation as personal, as if my own Higher Self is guiding this, trying to let me know that she is helping me.

“I can trust, surrender, and allow … and this WILL happen,” I ponder with confidence.

Soon, Keith moves on to the solar plexus, guiding us to ask and allow our Higher Self to assist in opening and repairing channels that connect this third-chakra region. He then does the same thing with the heart chakra.

At this stage, I suddenly begin to feel little energy tingles on my backside, just above the base of my spine. I am finally starting to relax as I allow myself to further surrender. Gradually, the tingles migrate and flow in the lower abdomen. I know I am behind a little here, but something really is moving.

Magical Tingles

After guiding us to feel the energy of Mother Earth rising within us from below, Keith then focuses on guiding us to feel the Divine Masculine energies from above, first flowing into the top of our head, at the crown.

Just like before, at each stage, Keith spends considerable time guiding us to ask our Higher Self to help open, repair, and reconnect the various energy channels in each region, especially in the Pineal gland region of the sixth chakra. At this point, I feel tingles in my crown, and a narrow channel of energy that flows to the center of my head. Then I suddenly begin to feel more energy flowing in my belly, again being quite delayed and out of order.

Soon, the meditation moves to our neck, and back to the heart, repeatedly working with Higher Self to assist in opening and repairing damaged energy channels.”

At this point, the meditation returns to normal, as Keith guides everyone to feel themselves sitting in a pillar of light, gradually expanding the pillar to the size of the planet and then eventually shrinking it back down to the size of his porch. But in this stage, I do not follow along. Instead, I am consumed by observing energy movements inside my own body.

It seems that tiny energy channels are gradually opening, randomly, everywhere – new, tiny flows in head and torso, filling the solar plexus, migrating from spine to front, moving up then down, in no rational mind pattern.

Slowly, the energies seem to be migrating in the direction of my heart. By the end of the meditation, I am mostly tingling everywhere, feeling little pin-width energy channels lightly flowing, even in my legs.

A New Planet

At the end of the meditation, the ceremony gradually begins to dissolve, but most people do not want to leave, and just sit quietly, or talk meditatively to each other.

I sit in shock, still enjoying the energy expansion, feeling as if I am in a new Universe, quite dizzy and disoriented, like in some different way I do not fully know who or where I am.

At the same time, I continue to experience a distinct feeling of posttraumatic stress, as if I have been literally screaming for an entire lifetime, and have finally stopped. After sitting in this magical daze, I soon drag myself off my cushion to participate in a photo shoot with two dear friends for whom today is their last chocolate ceremony. I do not want to walk away from this state of newness and dizziness. I am quite wobbly as I hug many people, and I frequently need to put a hand on a nearby wall to stabilize myself.

Finally, with most people still talking and hanging out on the porch I say goodnight.

“Thanks, I am doing really well,” I tell Keith as I give him a quick hug. “I am disoriented and feel like I am on a new planet.”

“Brenda,” Keith congratulates me. “You did really deep work today, doing so in a way that was much faster and easier … with less struggle.”

Long Walk Home

As I start hiking up the steep road by Keith’s home, I take off my shoes, feeling new energy in my legs. I begin to cry with an overwhelming mix of joy and sadness. I zigzag up the steep slope very slowly. One friend stops to hug me and I assure her that even though I am very wobbly, that I am fine. I actually know that I could ground myself and leave this energetic state at any time … but I do not want to.

Halfway up the hill, I bump into a local friend, a dear young Mayan woman. Again, in the midst of my tears, I tell her I am doing really well.

Soon, I am standing slightly off the road, simply staring at a distant volcano. I love the view as I walk five feet, and then stop for a minute … walking another five feet, and stopping again. Several more friends pass me on the way, stopping to hug and thank me for helping them today. It takes me a full hour to arrive at home, in what is normally only a ten-minute walk.

Self-Love And Sleep

After stepping through my front door, I realize I do not want to cook, so I take advantage of the local Feria and go back out on the street for some cold pizza and greasy French fries. As I finish gobbling down this unsatisfying meal, Sufi stops by, telling me she felt guided to check in on me.

“I just want to isolate and remain in this energetic place,” I tell my dear friend. “I feel like I hiked up and down steep mountain trails all day. My legs are wobbly and tired as if I did just that. And I feel as if I screamed for a lifetime today, physically feeling the exhaustion mixed in with beautiful energy.”

Again, I know I could leave this energy, but I want to wallow in it. It is unique, different, and feels important, even though it is dizzying and disorienting. Sufi and I hug many times and I repeatedly thank her.

“I think talking to you made me realize that I am not yet done,” I then tell Sufi. “There is more emotion that wants to come up and out … like shock and sadness that I need and want to feel. I want to curl up with Bobby-bear and just cry. In fact, I could probably cry for weeks if I allowed myself to do so.”

When Sufi leaves in a flurry of genuine hugs, I finish my notes for the day and retire to my room – feeling totally drained and dizzy. As loud music blares in the nearby basketball court, I just smile and close my eyes, connecting inside with my inner child at various ages, beginning as a baby.

Repeatedly I share profound self-love with these parts of me who released so many screams today. I tell these aspects of me how much I love them. I feel it. I mean it. There is some dry heaving, but not a lot of sadness. Instead, it is just a lot of shared love.

Year by year, experience by painful experience, I repeat this process, sending deep self-love to shame-filled parts of me, taking this process right through my adult years. I completely ignore the extremely loud music blaring outside. Soon, taking a crystal to bed with me, I fall fast asleep while beautiful energy flows. It is not a sound sleep, but is very satisfying.

Instinctual Self-Judgment

Friday morning, I wake up with a great deal of energy moving around in my abdomen. The energies are pleasant, and intuitions whisper that more areas are opening another level. I meditate in bed for an hour and a half before climbing out from under my sheets for a much-deserved lazy morning.

About twenty people are present as our afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway. As I sit in the “Glow Meditation,” I begin to feel more pains in my abdomen.

“Oh no,” I begin to feel victimized. “More pains and more density. I am soooo tired of this.”

I feel self-love, but this constant emotional processing triggers me right now. On the one hand, I feel quite joyful. On the other, I feel very confused, wondering if this pain will ever heal.

A while later, I suddenly realize with clarity that I am reading these pains – that my heart is open, and that the pains are not even mine.

At an appropriate moment, I later mention my inner knowing to Keith, telling him how I had first begun to judge myself. He confirms that I AM reading, and that there is a lot of solar plexus pain on the porch today. The girl next to me immediately tells me that her belly is painfully churning.

“Oh,” I giggle with a smile, “I’m reading YOUR pain.”

With this realization, I go inside, feeling more joy and love for the pains. Rather than judge myself, I focus on higher energy and self-love for what I am learning and doing, dismissing the need for head understanding.

Amazing Expansion

Later, I quietly follow a hunch to go inside and do a Mer-Ka-Ba meditation. Before starting, I was already feeling mild expansion energies in my throat. As I increase my inner energies, I feel a great deal more expansion energy swarming in my throat.

“Do I need to do something to make this happen?” I momentarily dip into rational mind, trying to figure out how to proceed.

“No,” I reassure myself. “I just need to trust and surrender, loving myself.”

As I sit in this meditation, the energy engulfing my throat is amazingly strong. I simply observe while focusing on sharing energy with those around me, doing so from a distance. One young woman later tells me that she felt my energy helping her a great deal. I am blown away by how energetically sensitive some people are.

“Brenda, go for it!” Keith suddenly interrupts a while later.

“What?” I ask with curiosity.

“You know,” Keith responds, not giving me further clues.

“I am feeling lots of expansion today, and also have had lots of pains here and there…” I begin to explain.

“Let the expansion out,” Keith interrupts my story, not sharing any more guidance than this.

Embracing The Pain

For the vast majority of the ceremony, I experience this powerful energy in the throat and high-heart regions. The energy is difficult to describe. In some ways, it feels as if my insides are being stretched horizontally, while prickly sharp tingles radiate throughout the region. But this sensation is quite different from heavy density, not being painful in a bad way.

I trust the experience, blindly surrendering to the flow without knowing much more than what I feel. I repeatedly express an intent to my Higher Self to give me guidance and knowing when, and if, I need it – but such knowing never comes. Instead, I just experience a sense of being powerful, while feeling the expansion prickles and focusing on self-love.

Near the end of the ceremony, I speak up and mention to Keith a new insight that does come.

“I think it is when I feel intense pains that I slip out of love and power, falling into self-judgment,” I tell Keith. “It is like the pains are a choice point to return to my smallness, to beat myself up and to abandon my path toward the light.”

“You will keep having the pains until you learn to love them without them taking you out of the light and into the smallness,” Keith validates my insight.

I feel so close to getting this. I can clearly see the patterns. It is obvious how when I physically hurt, that I tend to sink into judgment and hopelessness. Keith’s response is very reassuring. I know that all of the pains are part of my magic … my ability to empathically experience what is happening in other people. And I know that until I embrace rather than reject this sensitivity, I will continue to experience it from a negative polarity.

Positive Pains

As I later discuss the stretching expansion experience with Keith, he suggests that I might try asking these expansions to move down toward my lower chakras.

Throughout the day, I have felt some activity in my abdomen, but I have mostly ignored it. While following the process of someone else, I had begun to feel a great deal of energy at the base of my spine, starting to flow up through the lower chakras.

Taking Keith’s advice to heart, I ask the expansion to spread downward. I feel pleasantly surprised as I experience physical sensations of this throat and high-heart expansion slowly moving down, down, down. Over a twenty minute period, the expansion energies flow through my heart, into the bottom of my ribs, and then into the solar plexus region. Soon, the feelings expand into more vibrations in the lower belly. As this happens, I again experience more sharp pains. Whatever is expanding has been so shut down that the new energy actually hurts … ouch.

“But the pains are different now,” I give Keith a play-by-play of this amazing experience. “Rather than being sharp and agonizing, the pains have a more healing and vibrating feel to them.”

Keith quickly congratulates me, pointing out that as long as I see the pains as negative, that I will manifest them in that way.

“When you begin to see them all as healing and positive,” Keith adds, “then you will manifest them in that way.”

A Budding Superhero

After silently enjoying this nice expansion for another hour, I finally leave Keith’s porch just before 6:00 p.m., enjoying a magical restful night of doing nothing important.

Saturday morning, after a restful sleep, I again lack motivation to write, dragging my feet until I finally get going at around mid-morning. Three hours later, at 12:55 p.m., a small sparrow lands on a diagonal bar in the metal gate of my open kitchen door. With this being the first sparrow to grace me with its presence in more than a year, I observe with deep interest, taking a short break from the writing.

Soon, the little winged wonder dares to venture a few feet, landing on the top of the open door. Then he begins to explore, darting here and there, from floor to ceiling, as if looking for crumbs and new food sources. After about five minutes, he begins to seem disoriented and confused, hiding out in the cracks above the wooden round beams that hold up the ceiling.

Feeling guided to do so, I walk over to the kitchen window to open it, giving the little explorer another option to leave. As I do so, the little flyer freaks out and begins to panic, twice bumping into the inside surface of the closed half of my window. As I move out of the way, he makes one last attempt to exit via the closed side of the window before finally darting out the wide-open section.

Late that same evening, I finally publish my latest blog at around 9:00 p.m. – one titled “A Budding Superhero.”

It is only in retrospect that I realize that this little winged wonder was trying to inspire me to fly, to be that budding superhero that I was writing about. Just like that magical bird, I became lost and disoriented in my life, eventually hiding in the rafters, feeling hopeless to escape the conditioning. As the windows of new growth begin to open, the journey of freedom to be my authentic self has been one filled with panic and banging my head repeatedly into an impassable wall of glass. But just like that little sparrow, I am spreading my wings and discovering that all along, there has been an open window just waiting for me to open my eyes and fly to my heart’s content.

It Really Sucks

The chocolate ceremony on Sunday afternoon, April 14, 2013, is quiet and low-key. Early in the ceremony, I again start to feel intense solar plexus pains. After checking in with my heart, noting that it is relaxed and open, I reach the conclusion that I am again reading the emotional pain of others.

As inner chatter begins to surface, I nip it in the bud, and instead focus on self-love, joy, and not judging the pain in any way. Instead, I focus on gratitude for the experience of sorting out this magic, learning to understand why I have struggled my whole life. But still, the pain persists and it really hurts.

Early on in his introductory speech, Keith explains to the new people about the process of doing inner work.

“After a while of doing this work, layer after layer, it can really suck,” Keith jokes, saying something I have never heard him say.

I begin to laugh and sigh with a huge giggle of frustration. I can deeply relate. I know that I am doing real, productive work, but it CAN really suck. Often, after a huge breakthrough, it seems that another layer blindsides me out of nowhere, feeling like the same old never-ending stuff. Keith emphasizes that much of this process is what we, ourselves, designed (at a higher level) to teach us compassion.

Powerful No-Nos

Determined not to take the bait, not to bite the hook of wallowing in more physical pain, I close my eyes, go inside, and ask Bobby and Sharon (my inner children) to take my hands. Together, I imagine the three of us walking confidently through the gates, entering my magical theme park.

But as I get just beyond the gate, distractions again keep me from going any further. Even so, I am consciously choosing the power, joy, and magic – focusing on loving myself into that place, in spite of the intense, suck-y pain that swarms my abdomen right now.

As Keith works with one young man, coaching him into the process of working with aspects of self, I decide to follow along again in my own way. Rather than judging these intense pains in my belly as bad, or even someone else’s, I begin to see them as a group of frightened four-year-old children, each of them saying “Mommy, Daddy, my foot hurts, I think it is going to fall off.”

Soon, I invite all these frightened aspects of me to join with me in an inner conference room. I see them as real energetic parts of me – parts who have been serving me for decades, protecting me, helping me to keep the magic shut down. I put those parts there to keep me safe in an era where my magic would have only caused problems in my life. But it is now time to open this magic, and to give these parts a new job. These parts of me are loyal, still desperately trying to do their old job, keeping me shut down at the same time I am trying to open. I ask these parts of me to visit with our Higher Self, learning about our process, and considering the possibility of taking on new jobs.

“Brenda,” Keith unexpectedly interrupts from across the porch. “You are bringing in too much power. You are getting dangerously close to manifesting disaster.”

I giggle as I realize Keith is complimenting my energy. He has no idea what I am doing, but knows that I am breaking the rules of my conditioning, doing a cultural No-No by raising my vibrations and beginning to open something new – something that in ages past would have caused huge disaster in my life.

A Room Full Of Puppies

Suddenly, my inner metaphor shifts. Out of the blue, I begin to see these aspects of me as frightened puppies, each desperately needing my love.

“Thank you for keeping me safe all these years,” I tell all these loyal little watch dogs who are now terrified that I am opening the gates to allow that evil light to come in.

Now, as I continue this “new-job-assignment” work with Higher Self, I have an inner conference room filled with frightened watchdog puppies, all considering new assignments.

Still, as I immerse myself in this metaphor, the inner pains in my abdomen are as suck-y as ever, hurting relentlessly.

Meanwhile, I listen as Keith works with another friend who is also doing work in her own inner conference room. Keith guides her to stand up out of her chair, stepping aside, and asking her Higher Self to sit in the chair, running the show while she just gets out of the way.

Immediately, I do the same, imagining myself leaving my seat and asking Higher Self to take over. I even go so far as visualizing myself walking out of the room, filling my heart with trust and surrender while focusing on joy.

As Keith works with this same friend, he again talks about how “sometimes this really sucks.” I start to laugh again, and ouch … a huge layer of emotional energy suddenly breaks free and rises to the surface. In less than a second, I almost lose myself in sobs, but as I ask the light to fill me, the emotion vanishes. I wonder if I just pushed it down.

Migrating Pains, Magical Expansion

Feeling suddenly much lighter, I imagine laughing gas pouring through the vents into the inner conference room. I am outside the room, just waiting, bringing in my own joy, trust, surrender, and giggles.

There is still an intense band of pain at the middle of my solar plexus. But suddenly, I feel the intense band gradually begin to migrate upward, ever so slowly. Eventually, the suck-y pain reaches the base of my heart, where it stops.

I notice with deep curiosity that the pain now feels very different. As I continue to send joy and love to the pain, it begins to dissolve and vibrate, slowly being replaced by more of what I recognize as stretching expansion pains in my heart and high-heart. I simply trust and surrender, doing nothing more than loving myself and responding to subtle guidance.

Soon, I begin to play with Bobby-bear, tickling him, being joyful and silly with him, and using Bobby to tickle a young man sitting to my left. Immediately, this young man tickles Bobby-bear, and then me. I start to giggle out loud, but quickly stop, unable to maintain that level of exterior joy.

Afraid Of Joy

Keith eventually turns and looks in my direction.

“I have been watching you today,” Keith shares when we make eye contact.

Keith congratulates me when I quickly fill him in with a summary of what I have been doing. I then ask for clarity or insights into understanding why my laughter almost always triggers intense emotional release.

“You are terrified of joy,” Keith responds, “and you are more comfortable with the tears. Tickling and laughter trigger your terror of the joy, bringing up more density.”

“But now I am afraid of the public tears too,” I express my confusion. “I am trying to do it more on the easy bus.”

We again touch on how my childhood expressions of joy got me into a lot of trouble. I was too rowdy, too spontaneous, too irreverent, etc…

I explain how I seem to be walking a tightrope – trying to allow myself to feel emotions in a minimal way, but trying not to express them in a publicly dramatic way. I tell Keith how I occasionally step into the bathroom for privacy, just to force myself to belly laugh so that a layer of density will come to the surface. I am still quite embarrassed or afraid to laugh excessively in public.

In the midst of this beautiful discussion with Keith, he reassures me that I am doing really well with my process and am much further ahead than I was in the past.

Many people today need to leave early to catch a boat to Panajachel. After 4:00 p.m., only four men (in addition to me) remain on the porch, and the conversation quickly turns into rational mind question and answer. After an hour of quietly listening, feeling quite complete in my work, I stand up and excuse myself. I want nothing more than a quiet relaxing evening and sleep.

Magical Breadcrumbs

As I reflect back on these last four days, I am once again astounded at how events so synchronously fit together to form a bigger picture. I have long understood that for whatever reason, I am unable to fully feel or express joy – and for months now, I have been keenly aware that when doing inner work, laughter almost always triggers intense emotional release. But until these last few days, the puzzle was somewhat incomplete and fuzzy.

Triggered by another anxiety attack on Wednesday night – one related to the simple act of relaxing my hips – I followed magical breadcrumbs of feeling so stuck, frustrated, and crazy that I just wanted to scream. I could never have imagined the amazing release that would come as a result of taking that urge literally by silently screaming, in a metaphorical way, at an angel on the other end of an imaginary tube. Because of the magical release that followed, I profoundly began to understand the depths of that “need to scream,” and of how my joy had become my worst nightmare as a child.

Looking back, I can see an obvious pattern throughout my life. All the way back to being a five-year-old child, I have vivid memories of sitting in the back seat of our family car, on vacation, driving to visit family in a nearby state. Someone would goad my sister into belly laughing, and everyone in the car would laugh with her – except for me that is. I felt too self-conscious to try, because for whatever reason, I believed I did not laugh right. There was a profoundly repressed fear, even at that tender age, that laughing would cause me to be ridiculed and to feel stupid.

It is a lifelong pattern that remains to this day. For some bizarre reason, I am terrified to publicly express my joy, and I have always felt deeply triggered by other excessively joyful people.

Hiding In The Box

And that pillar of light meditation that Keith then conducted – one specially modified just for me. The resulting energy flow and expansion as a result of that meditation helped me to understand at yet-another level just how repressed my joyful side remains, to this day.

The week also involved deep exploration into how pains influence my moods, taking me in the opposite direction of my joy and hope, frequently causing me to loop and wallow in smallness, self-judgment, and victimization. Further exploration and following soon showed me that it is my attitude about those pains – my beliefs about them – that makes all the difference. I now understand that most of those pains did not even belong to me. I empathically took them in from others and then felt deeply victimized by them. In some way, I helped others be joyful by taking their pain into me, and then at a subconscious level, I resented their joy, feeling left out and abandoned, as if that joy was “an impossibility” for me.

But it was on Sunday that the insights began to really come together – insights that came from working with inner resistance pains as being aspects of self, and very huggable puppies who desperately need my love. I used to believe that laughter triggered emotional release simply because it shook my belly and loosened up inner densities in a physical way. I now understand that laughter is actually an intense emotional trigger, in and of itself, causing all inner defenses to go crazy.

Prior to this week, I would never have believed that someone could actually be afraid of joy. But it seems that I now profoundly agree with Keith’s inspired assessment. As I dig into the corners of my mind, I find abundant-but-vague memories of feeling horribly stupid as a child – all during times when various unbridled joyful expressions got me into trouble, causing criticism, punishment, shame, and ridicule. No wonder there is such a subconscious terror in me, all surrounding the idea of simply laughing aloud with joy. It is much safer to be a quiet, people-pleasing robot, never doing anything spontaneous or out of the box.

I am done with being “safe.”

… to be continued …

Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “Choosing The Authentic Me.”

Beautiful energy continues to flow as I repeatedly return to the realization that what I am doing right now in my healing process is remarkably similar to the once-terrifying journey of embracing my authentic self over sixteen years ago.

Before returning to Keith’s magical porch for another chocolate ceremony, I spend Friday morning, April 5, 2013, enjoying both a movie and a magical Skype conversation with a friend back home.

As the chocolate ceremony gets underway, I continue to radiate, holding space at the beginning, and doing so from a feeling of power. As usual, I feel some pain in my solar plexus, but my heart is open and relaxed. Intuitions tell me that I am again only reading the pain of others, and that it is time to open my heart even further … time to release more fears and blockages.

“What better way to do that than to share energy with others,” I ponder silently.

A Strengthening Heart

As a young woman next to me begins to express deep emotion, I ask her if she would like me to assist. I will call her Beth.

“Yes,” Beth responds with gratitude.

Beth then goes on a deep journey with emotional release as I share energy and coach her through wave after wave of profound tears, mingled with bringing in more light.

“Wow,” Keith later speaks to Beth, “you released a lot!”

I simply smile inside, grateful that I was able to be a part of her process, holding space and making her feel safe to do what she did.

I spend a great deal of time today simply imagining myself blowing “heart bubbles,” and sending them to each and every person on the porch. In many ways, I am “faking it till I make it.” Yes, I do feel energy in my heart, and yes, it feels stronger when I imagine sharing it with others, but in the absence of further sensation or confirmation, I can only believe that the energy is actually being received by others.

Regardless, this profound sharing process is indeed helping me a great deal. My heart grows stronger with each step.

Trusting And Following

As Keith makes his rounds, he assists one young man in sending his own heart energy down to his solar plexus. This process inspires me deeply, and I ride the energetic wave as I imagine blowing some of those magical heart bubbles directly to my own abdomen. As I do so, I feel warm, relaxing waves of energy fill my solar plexus.

Later, as Keith works with another person, my throat suddenly “scratches up” quite intensely.

“Is this mine, or did I just suddenly begin reading it from someone else?” I ask Keith with shock, just a few seconds later.

“It is yours,” Keith responds a minute later, after having carefully checked in with his guidance. “It is something that wants to open, allowing you to express your magic at a new level.”

With this guidance, I lean back and relax, focusing on surrender, trust, and allowing … having no expectations. A few minutes later, my entire throat region begins to vibrate peacefully as intuitions whisper that something is indeed opening. At this point, I receive no rational mind guidance as to just “what” this something might be. I do not need to know.

A New Opening

In the midst of this throat-opening process, I continue to hurt in my solar plexus, and still believe myself to be reading the emotional density of someone else. I have noticed that Beth has been holding a hand on her own belly throughout much of the ceremony. Prior to this time, I have not had the courage to discuss this with Beth at all.

“How is your solar plexus doing?” I finally build up the courage to ask Beth.

“It is still hurting,” Beth responds.

“I can feel it,” I tell her. “I have been reading this pain for quite some time. Would you like to release some of it to me?”

“I don’t know how,” Beth responds timidly. “I am not sure if I can.”

“Just express your inner intent,” I guide her. “Ask your heart to help, then get out of the way … allow, trust, and surrender … with no mind involvement.”

As my journey with Beth continues, I feel new energy flow in my hands and some swirling around me, but with no clear destination. I am quite clear that I am doing something new … that something is really happening.

“Good,” Keith turns and unexpectedly speaks to me about five minutes later. “You allowed yourself to open it, and are doing it now.”

I do indeed know that something is different. I am experiencing a new level of trust and feeling, with more awareness and less doubt.

I continue to hold space for Beth for much of the next hour. As I do so, increasing peaceful vibrations consume my belly. Eventually Beth speaks and tells me that she is feeling much better.

Elephants Of Guilt

As Keith temporarily leaves the porch to handle a delivery, several women engage in a conversation about sexual-attraction energies, and how they seem to repeatedly attract men who are interested in them for the wrong reasons. When Keith returns, I whisper to him and quietly suggest he might talk about issues with “leaky” second chakras. To my delight, Keith does engage in a long conversation that turns out to be right in line with what my intuitions whispered.

As I listen in, I begin to realize that I have the opposite issue going on in me. Rather than having a second chakra that is blocked, causing me to release sexual energies that attract something I do not want … I seem to have a totally dead second chakra.

As a new friend (I will call her Cassandra) starts to talk about her traditional Catholic upbringing, and the deep guilt that resulted, I suddenly experience a deep flash of insight.

I have a huge “elephant” of guilt sitting right on top of my belly, squashing all healthy energy flow in my lower chakras. In fact, I do not remember a single time in my life when this huge weight of guilt did not dominate and shut me down in the area of sexuality. Even now, I dread the idea of a relationship because I know it will seriously complicate my interactions with family.

“I have let the guilt over sexuality issues prevent me from having someone in my life,” I ponder with deep recognition. “A huge part of me would rather be alone than to face and release that guilt.”

As I ponder the buried guilt issue, I feel emotionally kicked in the gut. Cassandra later provides feedback that she had immediately sensed my energetic reaction during the guilt conversation.

Clogged With Overwhelming Guilt

Out of the blue, Keith suddenly decides to do a meditation that I have only seen him do perhaps four or five times in the last three years. It is a journey where we find an energetic place in our abdomen, usually near the belly button, where we have a “hole” or “God socket” that metaphorically represents the place where we would plug in our healthy connection with Source. But most of us have that place completely clogged up with other things instead, blocking our connection to the Divine.

As I ponder this meditation, even before Keith begins to guide the group, I realize that not only do I have guilt squashing my sexuality, but that in a weird distorted way, I am essentially worshiping that guilt, deeply fearing that letting go of the guilt is equivalent to letting go of all hope of love.

“I have guilt and sexuality hooked together,” I ponder with clarity. “My God-socket is clogged by a bottomless pit of guilt, shame, and related feelings about sexuality.”

When Keith reaches the point in the meditation where he guides us to begin cleaning out this metaphorical place, I experience agonizing energetic intensity as I imagine trying to pull this guilt out. I again begin to “fake it till I make it,” because the fear is too intense to do anything else.

As I attempt to imagine the guilt leaving me, intense panic shouts that I cannot do it by myself. Instinctively, I meditatively ask loads of angels to come in and help me. I get out of the way with rational mind and imagine these loving angels doing for me what I cannot do for myself.

As I do so, intense panic consumes me. After intuitions tell me that I am about half done, I begin to sob.

“Who will I be if I let this guilt go?” the insane thought crosses my mind.

As I attempt to go further, I am dizzy and overwhelmed, highly emotional and fearful. I have crashed into a wall and can go no further. I know I am not done, but I stop the meditation, almost sobbing, unable to continue.

Loving Homework

“You may need to finish this as homework,” Keith interrupts the meditation and guides me with deep compassion.

I spend the next few minutes tearfully explaining to Keith exactly what I was experiencing.

“There is a profound fear that letting this go will mean a total loss of love,” I blubber through more tears.

As Keith continues to guide others through the remaining portion of the meditation, I do not go on. Instead, I lie down on my right side, clutch little Bobby-bear to my heart, and whimper in deep emotion. As I do so, I am experiencing a feeling of profound love for a lost-and-alone little boy who carried the burden of so much judgment, guilt, and shame over his sexuality, believing himself to be the world’s biggest sinner.

In reality, he deserved so much pure love, and I AM sending it to him right now. I recognize the sensation of pure love flowing into me, through me, and filling me. I am deeply emotional, loving, loving, loving, and loving myself for being unable to finish the guilt cleanup. I am loving myself for having made the journey this far … for having deserved this love all along even though I did not feel it … for being so pure and innocent in my intentions and heart.

A Huge Shift

Finally, at the end of the meditation, Keith again speaks to me with deep compassion, validating everything I am feeling, congratulating me on the self-love, telling me that he has checked and that he clearly gets that I did successfully move a lot of guilt out of me.

“But you were right to stop where you did,” Keith confirms. “Trying to go further might have created too much fear and caused a huge backlash.”

As Keith and I continue this beautiful, compassionate, validating conversation, the rest of the porch is silent. I do not look around me, but I sense a deep energy of love coming from others who are listening and supporting me.

I want to sob. I feel as if I could sob for days. I even give myself permission to quietly do so for a few minutes.

“If I have sobbed enough,” I soon silently ask the light, “and if have felt enough of this emotion that it can now be transmuted, would you please take it … show me what you would do with it?”

I know that such surrender could take me deeper, but am delighted as I begin to feel increasingly lighter. A few minutes later, I sit up feeling much better. Most of the sadness is gone, and I feel dizzy from intense, new, Higher Energies that fill me.

I have no rational-mind validation, but still know that something huge and beautiful has shifted in me.

At Day’s End

Earlier, I had been excited at the prospect of going to a friend’s party this evening, but after my experience on the porch today, I want nothing more than to go home and spend a quiet Friday evening alone, integrating and resting.

But even the best laid plans … well, you know how it goes. At around 7:30 p.m. another friend stops by my home for a visit. We end up going to dinner and engaging in beautiful, deep, meaningful conversation. I love my newfound social side, at least for now.

At shortly after 10:00 p.m., I return to my apartment, extremely tired, drained, and light-headed, but glad for the social evening. As I prepare for bed, meditative insights begin to flow, so much so that I sit down at the computer to type more memories from the ceremony. I know I am nowhere near clearing out all the guilt conditioning that is still dominant, still blocking my areas of power, sexuality, and creativity. Yet I know I made huge progress today. I feel a definite shift in my energy.

All day today I have reminded myself that power is not what makes me hurt. Instead, it is the fighting and resisting of my inner Divine power source that makes me hurt. As a child, trying to embrace my true identity did indeed get me into huge trouble, but in my heart, I do know that true Divine power is amazing, peaceful, loving, pain-free, and magical.

“It is fear of my power, fear of trying to be the “small-me,” that creates the panic,” I ponder. “But in reality, it is that true power that will set me free from the pain.”

As I finally drift off to sleep, late on Friday night, I ponder again how both Cassandra and Beth had stopped by my cushion at the end of the ceremony today. Each had given me huge hugs and abundant gratitude for how my genuine process today had served and blessed them. It is a fun energy in which to enter dreamland.

Unidentified Flying Emotions

Saturday morning, after eating an ounce of chocolate in my oatmeal, I feel overwhelmed by swirling energy in my head. It is so incapacitating that I feel incapable of writing. I am ready to abandon such ambition, recognizing that I cannot write in the midst of the crazy emotion that is surfacing.

Quickly surrendering to my room, I follow the emotions to the bottom. These emotions flying through me are insane, agonizing, and unidentified. Perhaps the emotions are guilt … or maybe grief, depression, or hopelessness. I simply do not know, nor do I need to know. After surrendering to the process, reaching the depths of tears, I start to feel lost and hopeless, and I really want to stay there at the bottom, likely wallowing in the unidentified layer all day long.

But finally, a few minutes later, once the initial layers of intense dry-heaves are complete, I sit up and ask the light for assistance.

“If I have felt this deep enough, please transmute it,” I beg with confidence.

To my delight, the overwhelming emotion soon fades to nothingness, other than a little shock at the emotional freight train that raged through and is now gone. A few minutes later, renewed with inner peace, I dive into a long day of writing – a fun journey of creating and publishing “Giggling Gorilla Games.” As usual, it is a journey that brings increasing integration and clarity into the distractions that have ruled my life – distractions that include many such unidentified flying emotions.

Pondering Spoons

After a beautiful relaxed Sunday morning of fun internet videos and Skype conversation, usual routine finds me right back in another chocolate ceremony. It is a small group today, with beautiful energy and connections. In fact, I find myself happy and almost giggling, smiling from ear to ear, feeling deep self-love.

As Keith works with others, I note that something from each conversation touches me deeply. One person’s work with an inner child causes me to realize that the pain in my belly is that same four-year-old child in me, crying out in fear that his foot hurts so much that he knows it is going to fall off. Immediately, I begin to send deep love to my inner children, Bobby and Sharon. I do not validate that a foot is going to metaphorically fall off, but I do compassionately validate that the inner fear is real, and that I want to love them to the very core.

During this process, the inner pains continue in my solar plexus. My heart is open, and I believe that I am reading these pains, but after a while, I begin to believe that this pain is really mine. As I further contemplate working with this pain, I get a confusing thought. Even though this is real density, maybe it is a “delay tactic” to work with it right now – as if I am again going to attack a mountain of density using only a tiny, bent, worn spoon.

“I need to embrace my light shadow right now,” I ponder the confusing inner feelings.

Trying Too Hard

Almost as if on cue, a friend goes into deep God-drama work. I find it quite powerful to see my own process mirrored back to me in the process of someone I love. I become increasingly clear that my journey right now is to face the light shadow and say “Yes.”

“The dark shadow is not blocking me right now,” I ponder with budding clarity. “It is that distraction curtain, trying to keep me focused in confusion and doubt. I will NOT embrace this God-drama bait.”

But what confuses me is that I still experience a great deal of physical pain with no resolution. I trust implicitly, continuing to surrender and observe as Keith works with others. As has been obvious today, every person’s work resonates as a personal statement to me, causing me to trust what I am doing, to stay out of the way, to increasingly love myself, and to ask for more inner light.

But I still do not feel much if any relief from the light. I am attempting to surrender and allow, but it feels as if I am “trying” too hard.

Love And Power

Eventually, I begin to get the idea that the pains in my solar plexus are energetic power that wants to move up toward my heart. It makes completely sense that the pain is resistance … that I am still blocking the flow of this power, causing the pain.

“Love has always felt like surrendering my power,” I ponder unfolding insights. “Love meant being small, manipulated, giving up who I am for the greater good. My solar plexus power-center is terrified of love, of my own heart, for the very same reason. This part of me believes that love will squash my power.”

Wow, I see how this belief has been active for most of my life, but I absolutely know it is NOT true when it comes to unconditional love.

Just like that scared four-year-old who thinks his foot is going to fall off, I reassure my solar plexus that I feel compassion and love for the fears, acknowledging that they are very real.

“But these fears do not apply to NOW,” I reassure my solar plexus.

“Can you trust us enough to just allow a little power up toward my heart?” I beg. “We can always shut it back down later if you don’t like it … but trust me … we can do this.”

I then imagine myself at the top of that “Jagged Edge” waterslide. As I do so, I experience very real panic in the ribcage area. I know I am breaking conditioned rules, violating long held separation of love and power.

“This fear is two-way,” I suddenly ponder deepening insights. “My heart is deeply wounded from attacks of distorted power, and my divine power is profoundly leery after repeatedly being squashed by distorted versions of conditional love.”

My rational mind knows the absurdity of these long-held beliefs, knowing that true Divine love and power work beautifully in unison, but that four-year-old child in me continues to panic, insisting that a foot is going to fall off.

Loving Myself For Everything

While in the depth of pondering these inner power metaphors, I feel guided to take the hands of Bobby and Sharon, my inner children. Deep in meditation, they guide me to what feels like a small building. We open a door and step inside. I am not a visual meditator, but I do sense that there are four circuit breakers on the wall. They are vertical switches, currently in the down position.

One by one, I meditatively switch them up to the “ON” position. As I do so, I begin to feel more power, AND more fear, both surfacing in the area between my solar plexus and heart.

Repeatedly, I focus on self-love – loving myself exactly where I am – for the fear and panic – for the courageous process in which I am now engaged – for everything – for having the trust to turn on that subconscious set of circuit breakers, even though rational mind is still laughing at the idea.

Eventually, the pain between heart and solar plexus begins to relax, and I experience a subtle flow of energy moving from my belly into my heart. It is mild, but definitely flowing … and it feels nice.

A Beautiful Flow

Keith soon turns and looks at me with recognition, giving me a glowing glance as he makes a comment about my energetic shift.

“I feel power flowing up to my heart now,” I explain to Keith, “and I am experiencing some sensations of heart-expansion pains as well.”

Keith strongly validates my words, pointing out how I have done a huge cultural “No-No” based on my conditioning … but emphasizing that it is real, that he can sense a flow moving upward, and that it is actually quite nice.

As I relax into this flow, I soon realize that it wants to go higher, up toward the throat. As I further surrender, I feel the energies gradually rise, consuming the high-heart area, and then encompassing my throat. While continuing to relax and surrender, I soon experience a very pleasurable flow all the way up into the top of my head. This flow lasts for several minutes while I enjoy the sensations.

Soon I silently ask for the energetic river to go down as well, but for now, it does not go below the solar plexus.

Downright Frisky

At one point, as Keith works with a woman next to me, Squeaky (Keith’s healer cat) suddenly jumps on the roof above our heads (a thin translucent wavy sheet of fiberglass). The noise is so loud that everyone present is deeply startled.

I begin to laugh playfully, and as I do, a dense blockage suddenly surfaces in my throat. It is a huge rush of intense heavy energy, causing instant coughing and dry heaving. Seconds later, I feel more power flowing in the throat region.

A few minutes later, Squeaky does it again, thundering across the fiberglass roof. This time I laugh harder, and another huge intense wave of emotional density unexpectedly surfaces and leaves my throat. Two friends seated next to me immediately look up at me with a shocked look. They both indicate that they felt the density leave me as they were riding their own wave of density release at the same time.

After this second wave flashes out of me, the energetic flow in my body is really nice. I sense that my power wants to play, not in a childish way, but in a giggling, childlike way. It is an undeniable urge that I want to find a playground and just laugh and giggle. As I later discus this feeling with Keith, he again strongly validates my experience, reminding me that both my power and my play were repressed, and that with this energy channel open, the power wants to come out of the throat in childlike playfulness.

Over the last few weeks I have mildly felt this sensation more and more, but today, in this moment, I feel downright frisky (at least for now), just like Squeaky.

Pain And Tingles

Soon, a dear friend sinks into a beautiful and very intense inner release process. Many of us hold space while I am right there helping her. It is a magical process, one that is profoundly welcome. As I participate, I feel a deep connection with what she is doing. I increasingly focus on more of my own power rising up to my heart, and then to the throat, imagining myself as expressing that power without having any mind involvement or understanding.

While doing this, I experience waves of pain in the bottom of my ribcage, as well as my heart and high-heart regions. The sensation is as if my skin is being stretched, but the pain is somewhere inside me. Intuitions whisper that, for me, this is an expansion metaphor. A huge amount of fear and resistance attempts to derail the process, but I relax again and again, embracing self-love, inviting Higher Energies, and sharing as much energy with others as I can. In fact, my intention is to send this energy to the whole porch.

This expansion pain continues throughout the remainder of the ceremony. Gradually, ever so slowly, I feel stronger and stronger heart energies. In many ways, the pains feel quite similar to those I experienced when my high-heart region began early stages of opening just fifteen months ago. Inner confidence repeatedly reminds me that the pains I feel are simply sensations of expansion, of energy returning to areas that have been blocked for most of my life.

In the midst of ample self-love, interspersed with the pains, I feel waves of tingles that fill me, at times being quite powerful. Repeatedly, I imagine inner metaphors that cause me to imagine the fun of making a leap into the unknown – metaphors of being on a tall diving platform, at the top of a waterslide, or perched at the peak of a wild rollercoaster.

I validate that the fears I experience are real, but continue to fill with self-love and imagined adrenaline giggles.

Pillow Pondering

As I later ponder on my pillow, I reflect back on how three friends had again expressed deep thanks for the help I gave them. It was a beautiful day of NOT taking the God-drama bait, of not jumping into the loop of distraction and delay tactics. I still find it confusing, knowing that the emotions that surfaced today were real, but knowing that my job was to ignore them for now, while further embracing the light. I somehow understand in this moment that if I do need to process the emotions down the road, that the increased light will make the journey much more fun.

I realize that I cannot make recipes and formulas. I had profound experiences last week, experiences in transmuting both densities and stories. Today, doing the same thing, trying to do it the same way, simply did not work.

I have often heard Keith share that as soon as you figure out how it works, that things will change and they won’t work that way anymore. This forces us to return to the beginning, to be present with no expectations, and to follow the flow of our own being with loving trust and surrender.

And I am deeply grateful for the self-empowerment of doing most of the work today without guidance from Keith. Many times, I contemplated asking for more help, but in every instance, I knew inside that I could trust myself instead – that I did not need outside guidance at the time, and that asking would actually disempower my inner knowing.

As this pillow pondering continues, I soon drift off to sleep.

Persistent Blockage

After a delightful morning watching a metaphysical movie and several short spiritual videos, I feel shocked by a strong inner resistance insisting that I do NOT want to go to the chocolate ceremony today.

“Something really magical must be about to happen,” I smile as I force myself to go to the ceremony anyway. I have enough experience to know that when my resistance is high, that it means I am preparing for something new.

It is a small Monday afternoon workgroup, with just over ten people. I am grateful that I came. From the very start, I feel a nice energy as I focus on self-love, trust, surrender, and asking Higher Self for upgrades, etc.

I initially focus on continued pains in my belly. I am willing to follow and allow, but as I relax, I am surprised with new waves of panic and fear that surface with my deep breathing.

Nevertheless, I remain unattached, not judging myself for this persistent blockage surfacing yet again.

Compassionate Transparency

Early in the ceremony, a friend begins a journey with God-drama issues – deep issues surrounding death, sadness, and anger at a situation that makes no sense to rational mind.

As I compassionately observe, I feel strongly guided to pay attention to my own God-drama issues. The whole experience causes me to more deeply love and understand a friend with whom I have often felt triggered.

Then another friend goes into deep triggers of her own. Soon, these two women begin to engage each other in heated discussion. One is attempting to speak her truth to the other, and the other is pushing back with stiff resistance, demanding that the first stop speaking. I simply hold space, recognizing the beauty in both of my friends, feeling compassion for the women and for the events that are unfolding. In fact, I am grinning from ear to ear with loving transparency. Not too long ago, this situation might have triggered me deeply, and I am now seeing it with pure love. Everything is perfect.

“Very nice,” Keith soon compliments me.

“What?” I ask with curiosity.

Keith does not answer my question, but I know exactly what he is referring to. The situation is a little tricky, as I have had my own triggers with each of these two friends, and words are not necessary at this point. I can clearly sense that Keith is recognizing my deep state of loving transparency – recognizing my own deep growth and healing, while I at the same time am happily recognizing the growth in my friends.

The experience is building huge trust that when I change, that things around me will change as well.

A New Metaphor

Later, I watch with wonder as Keith guides yet another beautiful friend into a new (for me) metaphor. He suggests that she dip a hand down into her putrid inner density, and then hold it out and offer it to the light.

I have been working on surrender and relaxation for a few hours now. I am in a very nice energy, but feel stuck in my lower chakras. Earlier I had asked Keith for suggestions and his only guidance was to continue following the inner flow.

“I like this new metaphor,” I ponder as I contemplate how to apply it in my own process.

During the last few hours, I have noticed that today on the porch there is a lot of “rational-mind truth” being forced on others … lots of judgment coming up … inner tyrant energies being exposed … and a great deal of discussion about guilt and judgment of both masculine and feminine energy sides (on the inside and out).

In this midst of observing these unfolding processes in others, I have come to realize new things regarding my own inner stuckness and ongoing panic while trying to relax my body. I too have an inner tyrant running my show, shutting me down with intense judgment and guilt surrounding both masculine and feminine energies. Current feelings tell me that the present layer of clenching relates to this inner tyrant trying to clamp down and prevent my further opening.

Working Together

While pondering this confusing jumbled mess of inner emotions, I imagine myself using this new metaphor, reaching down into the hiding inner nightmare, grabbing handfuls of the putrid stuck emotion, and offering it to the light.

But suddenly, as I attempt to imagine myself doing this, I feel deep anger. It is anger and refusal to give this stuff up – anger and refusal to let the light take it and transmute it. This disgusting emotional soup is mine, my precious part of the God drama, my ammunition against God, my sacred treasure of evidence as to why I need an apology and how I have been so victimized, blah, blah, blah.

Rather than back away from the process, being unable to simply hand the stuff to a group of angels, I return to an old metaphor. I imagine myself angrily grabbing fistfuls of this putrid emotion and throwing it at an angel.

Ouch! Huge tears form as I deeply feel the emotion that I am angrily throwing away.

Soon, I imagine myself scooping up buckets of this yucky stuff, and then hurling the contents at a group of angels. As I throw bucket after bucket, more tears flow, and the anger becomes quite real and intense. But something new is happening too. At the same time that I feel the anger, I am smiling and quietly giggling. Keith has often told people that when they can laugh and cry at the same time, that they are working at the same level as masters. Today, I feel as if am finally doing that.

Through this intense process, I never lose my sense of joy, at least on the inside. Even though I feel the joy inside, and occasionally smile on the outside, I have still not reached a state of healing where I can fully allow myself to express joy in a lasting, visible way.

I love that I am at last uncovering more experiential understanding about the insane blockages in my belly. Even while the inner masculine and inner feminine continue to feel deep hatred toward each other, I clearly sense that they are now working together, helping each other to throw away this unwanted blockage. Rather than seeing each other as the perpetrator, they are each beginning to realize that they are both victims of the same emotional density – of the same dysfunctional stories and ideas about masculine and feminine distortions.

Feel And Flow

When Keith finishes his work with a friend, he turns back to check-in with me. After I summarize my journey, he congratulates my process and then even guides me to go inside on a short journey. I am surprised when he suggests that it is time to bring a little energy up from the Mother Earth.

As I actually begin to feel it, a small wave of fear surfaces.

“Let yourself feel it and let it flow out,” Keith guides me after I verbalize the emotion.

During a short ensuing conversation, I feel more energy flowing. It is small, but for me it is significant. I AM feeling this, and feel hopeful. I clearly see that the inner turmoil being acted out today on the porch is exactly what has been going on inside of me, and I love it all.

Masculine And Feminine Pains

Keith eventually moves on, and I continue this inner love fest with joy, never losing track of it. Part of me continues not fully trusting my experience because it is not “painful enough.” But I simply smile and acknowledge this slight doubt while continuing to feel and love myself.

I love that “inner tyrant in me” right now. I love the masculine hate and guilt, both aimed at the feminine. I love the feminine hate and guilt, both directed at the masculine.

Soon, I begin to experience sharp physical pains on the right side of my abdomen – on the masculine side. Rather than judge the pain, I simply double-down on the self-love, trusting that these pains are simply physical manifestation of the repressed masculine agony.

When I ask that the light transmute these pains, they get smaller, and then immediately surface on the left, feminine side. I again send love and eventually ask the light to transmute the pains. The pain never fully transmutes, but it does get smaller.

Part of me wants to go into deep emotional release, but I hesitate because of the mix of people and energies on the porch today. It does not feel like the right time. Therefore, I sit with the pains, trusting the flow to bring resolution of some sort. Meanwhile, I just feel the pains while inviting energies to keep flowing through me.

Bubbling Fizzies

At one point, Keith briefly works with me, guiding me to ask for an upgrade from my Higher Self. Almost immediately, I experience an energy shift, with more flow in my arms and slightly more relaxing vibration in my belly. I like the sensation and trust that something significant is happening. A while later, Keith guides the entire group through several quick energetic upgrades. Again, I feel more pleasant energy flow.

Eventually, I experience trickling energy moving up my body, both on my spine, and on the front of my body. It begins very slowly, and gradually increases, flowing from the base of my spine all the way to my throat.

“This energy wants expression through my throat,” I ponder symbolic intuitions.

Near the end of the ceremony, as this flow continues, I experience a change from trickling energy to a sensation of bubbles floating up inside my body, quite similar to an experience I had while drinking chocolate in a Hot Spring just about two years ago (see blog, “Quantum Fizzics and Wave Theory,” published April 2, 2011.

I ride the magic wave of this bubbling to the very end of the ceremony. All of my pains have dissolved away, leaving me in a nice energy, with total trust in what I am doing.

It has been a beautiful day, with considerable smiling and bubbling joy. And most of the growth happened as a result of following an inner flow with very little outside guidance. All of it was perfect.

Another Wild Ride

I feel blindsided when attempts to write on Tuesday morning begin in much the same way as my Unidentified Flying Emotion journey on Saturday. After gobbling down my oatmeal with chocolate, I sit at the computer intending to write. Within minutes, however, I am in my room, experiencing unexplained waves of intense, overwhelming hopelessness.

After several waves of agonizing sobs and dry heaving, I clearly recognize that I could easily lose myself in this emotion, yet again. Finally, in invite the light and surrender all remaining emotion from this layer. As I do so, I experience an influx of energy in my upper chakras, with some in my belly.

Wow, it is a wild ride, but by 10:30 a.m., I am again ready to write, going late into the evening before I finally hit the publish button on “Disappearing Defiant Density Dramas.”

Suffering In Drama

On Wednesday morning, I am surprised to wake up with a very active inner storyteller. It seems that a part of me wants to stir up intense trouble. This part is whining angrily, demanding that I feel sad and upset at how helpless I feel, not knowing how to respond to a few people who seem to be giving me the cold shoulder. The stories want to convince me to feel victimized, to defend myself, and to figure out a way to “fix” things in the world “out there.” The stories even go so far as to tell me I need to be a people pleaser again, that I need to change something about my behavior so that they will stop rejecting me.

After spiraling in this insane inner chatter for nearly an hour, I suddenly experience a deep wave of emotion and decide to let it flow. The emotion consists of overwhelming sadness, combined with tears and dry heaving. After several waves, interspersed with bringing in some light, the emotion vanishes. I giggle when I realize that I am now perfectly happy, the stories seem to have been transmuted, and my crazy morning now seems quite silly.

As I ponder the events, I remember a phrase that came to me in the summer of 2005 when an extremely painful event broke my heart. It is a phrase having everything to do with unconditional love.

“Do the right thing; do it for the right reason; and expect nothing back.” The phrase repeats in my mind.

“Of course,” I giggle. “The only thing for me to do here is fill myself with pure love, engaging in loving behaviors, with no under-the-table motives, and allowing everything to be exactly as it is.”

“It is my suffering that creates the drama,” I then ponder with clarity. “When I feel victimized, I no longer act loving, and I create the very cycle that causes me to suffer.”

Inner Child Playfulness

Once I am through with the silly drama, again basking in unconditional love and peace, I enjoy a magical two-hour Skype conversation with a dear friend in Arizona. It evolves into a profoundly high vibration counseling session, one that works both ways. I come away enriched and glowing in the clouds.

Soon, I hurry off to Keith’s porch for my usual routine. The Wednesday afternoon public chocolate ceremony is large, with thirty-two people at the peak. There are several Spanish-only speakers present today, and I end up spending a great deal of my time and energy doing nothing but translate for others. I feel quite proud of myself for my growth with the language, and for being able to more-or-less say everything necessary in some round-about way. It has been a long journey with Spanish over the last four years, but my vocabulary and grammar are getting much better.

At times, I am even teasing and frisky, creating laughter among others when I translate Keith’s occasional attempts at Spanish back into English. A few times, when Squeaky (the cat) meows, or when someone makes a vocal ohming tone, I joke that I am not quite sure how to translate that. I love my inner child playfulness. I am having fun.

Inadequate Words

It is one of those ceremonies where I do not do much emotional work of my own. Instead, I hold a powerful space for several people, while never really leaving my seat. The rewarding thing is that these people notice and respond to me as we work together from a short distance.

During one quiet space in the middle of the ceremony, I focus on going inside, deeper and deeper into surrender. As I do so, I experience very nice energy flows, stronger than before. Intuitions tell me that some more power is returning.

I then focus on more inviting Mother Earth energies, imagining myself gradually opening a door at the top of my solar plexus. I actually feel some energies along with a mild emptiness. The energies flow upward and I eventually feel them reach my heart.

As I visualize my heart embracing these energies, welcoming them back home, I quietly sob in self-love, doing so in mild waves. It is a beautiful and joyful feeling as I sense parts of me reconnecting, like old friends reuniting after decades of separation.

I also put out a meditative intent for other pushed-out parts of me to return, after which I relax deeply. I experience many energy movements, ranging from my throat and high-heart all the way down to the root. I do not try to figure out the flows, nor try to analyze what they are using rational mind. I simply feel, and quietly sob with joy and profound love.

There is no way to explain the experience in a manner rational mind could grasp. It was simple and profound, magical but ordinary, beautiful and heart warming.

Soon, I postpone this delightful inner journey so that I can translate an empath training for Keith. I feel complete – sensing a newfound wholeness in an energy from the base of my spine to the top of my head. I do not worry about trying to “do or explain” anything, other than to relax, surrender, and allow. I know something magical happened today. There is nothing more that I can say with words.

A Power-Full Journey

In these six magical days, it seems that the common threads have involved exploring the intricacies of inner power – healing power losses, restoring power, and dealing with the emotional glitches that inevitably surface in the process.

On Friday, coming off the magical flow of embracing a new “Authentic Me”, I exposed new light to a profound source of power-loss in my life – a blockage caused by huge amounts of guilt plugging up my lower chakras like a massive elephant sitting on my belly. In a sob-filled meditation, I cleaned out a large portion of that guilt, leaving the rest for homework. But I somehow get the feeling that the beautiful, emotional self-love that I found through loving myself right in the middle of the stuckness was quite profound in completing a good deal of that homework.

After removing many of the power blocks, an unidentified layer of flying emotions attempted to derail my writing on Saturday, but instead only served to further empower me when I found a way to face the intensity head on, feeling it to the core, and releasing it to the light.

On Sunday, I turned frisky in another beautiful chocolate ceremony. After having my God drama modeled for me in the process of another, I followed inner breadcrumbs that caused me to focus on restoring a flow of inner power from the solar plexus to the heart. In what on the surface looks quite ordinary, I found the courage to turn on four blown circuit breakers, doing so in the face of insane resistance. The best part is that I actually began to feel a real flow of energy in my body after completing that task – a flow that started at the solar plexus and rose to the heart and then higher.

Monday, after watching two friends play out inner dramas, first on their own, and then with each other, I found myself grinning from ear to ear as I filled with loving insight and compassionate transparency. In the process seeing parts of my inner process played out in front of me, I gained profound insight into the crazy inner tyrant that dominates my reality, and the mutual ongoing hatred between masculine and feminine parts of me. Again following the flow, I began to throw that jumbled mess of angry emotions at metaphorical angels, allowing me to feel it enough such that the rest could be handled and transmuted by the light – eventually leaving me basking in the fizzy bubbles. In the process, that flow of magical inner power became ever stronger.

After another wild ride on Tuesday, releasing yet another crazy layer of emotion before a second day of writing, I did the same on Wednesday morning, this time with convoluted stories demanding my people-pleasing buy-in.

But I didn’t bite the hook. Instead, I found my way back into unconditional love, doing the right thing, doing it for the right reason. Before the end of Wednesday, I was again quite silly and frisky, flying high in positive energy after a ceremony of language translation, including a short-but-beautiful magical journey of my own. It was a journey where I again embraced a magical flow of inner power beginning to return.

Almost none of it makes sense to rational mind, but it is all quite real. Somewhere inside me, layers of emotional density, belief systems, blown fuses, and cut power lines are methodically being undone, step-by-step restoring power to areas of my body that have been isolated and without magical energy for decades.

Given all of the friskiness and repressed joy that gradually seems to be opening up, I think I can deal with the occasional emotional backlashes and power glitches.

… to be continued …

Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “Stories About Stories.”

I am up early on this final day of March 2013, still feeling giggly and detached from the stories of my past. As I later set up Keith’s porch for a Sunday afternoon public chocolate ceremony, I continue to experience a nice flow of energy.

During the usual “Glow Meditation,” I am somewhat puzzled. Keith had commented on my very nice energy, and yes, I am still feeling that, but part of me is expecting more, wondering “what next” after having had such a beautiful experience on Friday. It was an experience where I had gone from the depths of inner agony to a profound “magical-but-ordinary” experience of no-longer identifying with the personality self, and the stories behind it.

Deep curiosity swirls in my soul as I ponder this “what next” question. I feel no attachment to whether the next step is more expansion, or perhaps back to emotional densities and blockages. Perhaps what entices me most is the complete absence of knowing or caring, combined with pure surrender and trust that I am in a divine flow … and that part of my process today is to NOT know, and to perhaps have absolutely nothing happen at all.

Intense Tiring Nights

I observe and hold space while Keith works with many others. As I send energy from afar, I begin to experience a great deal of pain in my lower chakras. For a few seconds I start to believe that more of my own emotional density is surfacing, but then intuitions remind me to check in with my heart.

“My heart is open, vibrating, and relaxed,” I ponder. “What I feel in my belly is just someone else’s density.”

I quickly get out of my head, trusting this intuitive insight, and return to following the flow. I remain in surrender and trust.

Soon, a friend asks Keith about his recent string of intense and tiring nights, with strange dreams, overwhelming energies, and an inability to sleep. Almost immediately, three other friends pipe in and indicate that they too have the same thing going on in their life. I remain silent, simply observing, but I too resonate deeply with the words being spoken. The discussion is interesting and fascinating, but still does not trigger anything profound in my process.

Inner Giggles Of Expectancy

Finally, feeling an intuitive hunch, I focus on relaxing my body, especially my arms. As I do so, I experience intense squeamys (squirming and screaming at the cellular level) in both my forearms and in my solar plexus. The more I relax and surrender, the more this sensation of panic attack overwhelms me. This goes on for more than an hour before I finally speak up and ask Keith if he can offer any suggestions.

Keith indicates that he feels this is an opportunity for me to allow another higher level, perhaps my Higher Self or some other being, to come and help me.

“You are learning to trust higher assistance,” Keith encourages me. “Just follow metaphors and inner threads, doing whatever you feel guided to do.”

I was hoping for more concrete guidance, but I surrender and accept Keith’s reminder that this is an inner journey that I must make. Remembering the profound experience I had on Friday, I further relax and ask Higher Energies to work with me in the same way, giving me another glimpse into that beautiful magic. The very thought inspires a fun giggle of expectancy.

Embracing And Sharing

After a while, still feeling hopeful expectancy, but also still mired in deep inner panic attack, I watch and observe as Keith works with a young woman near my seat. In fact, I assist in translating some of Keith’s words into Spanish.

This young woman is in deep emotional release, and my solar plexus is simultaneously hurting a lot. I attempt to hold space, sharing energy while continuing to observe my own pains. My solar plexus pulses with agony, and I again believe the pain to be my own.

Right around this time, a dear friend leans over and asks if I will assist her with some intense stuff. I hesitate, giving her a wishy-washy “not right now” answer, believing I need to continue working with my own squeamys and solar plexus pain. After my friend returns to her seat, I begin to think about what I just did, feeling a little guilty for turning my friend away. I know I want to help her, and I begin to recognize a pattern of focusing on my density as a way to scam myself out of embracing and sharing my inner power with others.

A few minutes later, I lean over and invite my friend to occupy a now-empty cushion directly to my left. I abandon focus on my own inner pains and begin to share energy with my dear friend. In fact, I will spend the remainder of the ceremony sharing energy with her, doing so without having a clue as to what I am doing, simply following occasional inner hunches telling me to place a hand here or there, while constantly focusing on increasing my own Higher Energy connection to my heart.

Empathic Insights

Meanwhile, Keith continues working with the other young woman seated near to me. In this midst of this process, Keith asks the group for feedback on what they are feeling from this girl. As he asks the question, Keith points to his own body, indicating that the young woman is processing a great deal of density stored in this location in her body. But Keith is seated with his back to me.

“I didn’t see where you are pointing,” I immediately volunteer, “but my belly is hurting like crazy … twitching and pulsing with deep agonizing pain.”

Immediately, the young woman speaks up and tells me that this is exactly where she is hurting.

“You mean I am reading this from her?” I point to my solar plexus and ask Keith.

“Yes,” Keith responds immediately.

Within seconds, several other people tell me that they feel the exact same pain.

Painful Lessons

As I continue sharing energy with my dear friend, the pains in my body do not disappear. At one point, with my lower abdomen churning wildly – so much so that I am struggling – I again ask Keith for guidance, telling him I think I am just “reading” this pain from someone else, but am no longer sure. Keith quickly agrees that the pain is not mine, and that I am reading it.

“Is there something I can do or work with inside that will help me to do this with less pain inside me?” I beg Keith for assistance. “I love helping someone I love with these pains … and I love that I am not judging what I feel, knowing that I am just reading it … and I will continue to do this with unconditional love …”

“But is this intense pain necessary for my educational process, or can I learn to do it in an easier way?” I plead for clarity.

“I will check my guidance on that,” Keith begins to respond before I even finish asking the question.

But in the moment I mention “educational process,” Keith lights up and tells me that I just answered my own question.

“It is NOT necessary to feel the pain this strongly for your learning,” Keith shares, “but you believe it is necessary for your education to do so … and this is why the pain is so strong, because you think you need it to be strong in order to trust and learn what you are doing.”

As I continue assisting my friend, the pains in my body never diminish. I find it fascinating to know that it is my own engrained beliefs telling me that I must feel the pain strongly in order to trust what I am doing. Part of me is actually quite grateful that I feel the pains so strongly, because I know myself well enough to know that I would not have learned the lesson if the pains had not been so intense. But I also recognize that I need to shift this belief. I will not want to be a healer if the pains continue to be as strong when I assist others.

As I contemplate the intense pains, I realize that my heart hurts with a tiny pinch, and that I am not fully feeling the higher vibes. Intuitions remind me just how critical it is for me to raise my vibrations – that doing so will make this whole process a whole lot easier.

Building Trust

I continue to share energy with my friend until the very end of the chocolate ceremony. One time, when I briefly glance at Keith, he unexpectedly congratulates me, telling me that I am doing profound healing work on my friend.

“Keith,” I respond with confusion. “I have no clue what I am doing. All I am doing is sharing energy and holding space.”

“It is perfect and really helping her,” Keith confirms his earlier words.

My friend never does give me verbal feedback, but I have repeatedly observed her body language giving me feedback in other forms. I have often noticed that when I move my hands here and there, that she responds by going deeper into her release process. In fact, she goes extremely deep, more deeply than I have ever seen her go before, and I know inside that my energy is somehow giving her permission to reach this depth.

Finally, Keith spends a few minutes directly working with my friend, validating where she is at, and indirectly validating more of my own unexpressed intuitions. Soon, I begin to speak, commenting that in many ways, I see my friend as being in a place quite similar to where I was at just a few nights ago – at the bottom of a rebellious God-drama tantrum, ready to give up on the world. I begin to share my own experience of bringing in self-love, and of magical and unexpected transmutation of stories. When I begin this verbal sharing, Keith moves on. I intuitively sense Keith’s unspoken confirmation that I should continue what I am doing, and his trust that my friend is in good hands.

“Wow,” I later ponder in my apartment. “What a powerful day it was today. I got so much experience through painfully reading the emotional densities of others, and I developed a great deal of trust … not needing to involve rational mind as much … receiving magical feedback … simply surrendering to following and not knowing, but somehow knowing at a different level.”

Trusting On The Inside

Monday afternoon, April 1, 2013, I again find myself on Keith’s porch, this time for a workgroup session where we skip the normal introductions and get right to work … except we don’t.

Around fourteen people are present, and after drinking our chocolate, we simply sit around and talk for the first hour and a half. In the past, I would have judged such a delay, considering it to be an annoying waste of my time … but today, I actually enjoy participating in the casual, jovial conversations. It seems that everyday, more social confidence is waking up inside me.

Finally, at around 2:00 p.m. we go into a long silent period of meditation. Eventually, Keith breaks the silence, announcing that he is now open for people to request assistance.

“Keith,” I immediately speak up. “I would like to go to another level of what I have been working with. I feel some continued squeamy resistance in my forearms and abdomen. I am not in my head or stories, and am not feeling any guidance right now. But I was wondering if you can suggest anything to help me take my recent growth to another level.”

Keith guides me inside, encouraging me to bring in more light. But then he quickly turns me loose, telling me to feel what the light does … observe … follow … just trusting myself.

“This is another opportunity to NOT know,” Keith guides me. “Just trust and follow what happens without understanding with rational mind.”

I was hoping for more concrete guidance, but again surrender to the realization that at this stage of my process, no one else is going to give me what I have to learn to find on the inside, all by myself.

Self-Love, Trust, Allowing, Following

I focus on inner self-love, trusting, allowing, and simply following with expectancy. Gradually, as I do so, the squeamys in my abdomen and forearms get stronger and stronger. As I feel this cellular level screaming and squirming, I sense the intense inner fear that surrounds the idea of opening up these blockages in my body.

But in the absence of clear guidance, I continue to focus on self-love, listening to intuitions, not knowing, allowing, trusting, and more self-love … self-love … and self-love.

In fact, the more I feel love for myself, the more I seem to experience unknown inner energy movements – energy that I could only describe as “raining tingles of tickles” – like tiny droplets of rain falling mainly in my head, neck, and shoulders.

Eventually, I feel as if some energy is breathing in and out of my third-eye chakra at the center of my forehead. The sensation is mild and relaxing, with more tingling in this spot than I remember ever before.

I also recognize that a lot of inner fear remains inside, with some of it surfacing now. I am tired of the fear … tired of the fifty-eight years of clenching … tired of the panic attacks that seem to happen every time I near a state of relaxation. As I ponder this “tiredness,” I realize that it is more like a state of hopelessness – a hopelessness that I will never be able to relax and open these rebellious, stuck areas of my body.

But still, I focus on self-love, repeatedly reminding myself that all of this clenching is just a story – reminding myself that on Friday, that Higher Energy and love had transmuted a huge amount of the story with a feeling of divine grace.

“I just had to keep bringing in self-love, relaxing, allowing, and trusting … and it happened all by itself, just like magic,” I remind myself of what Happened only three days ago.

Clenching Closures

I remain in this same state throughout the ceremony, experiencing intense squeamys in the forearms and solar plexus, while loving myself, trusting the flow, not knowing, and not judging … simply surrendering to what is.

It is nearly 5:00 p.m. when Keith unexpectedly decides to conduct a training for two women who have never before participated in an “empath training.”

Wow, the situation could not have been more perfect. As I contemplate following along with the training, I find myself in a new level of fear … no, make that terror at the idea of participating. As a result of this unexpected panic, I mostly observe, completely skipping phase one, and only partially focusing during the next two phases. But during the final stages where Keith does a lot more talking, I perk up and listen with deep focus.

I have heard Keith’s words hundreds of times before. He shares how, as empaths, we are terrified of more love because we have learned that opening to more love means that we will eat more emotional garbage; so therefore, even though we say we want more love, we will not allow it until we first clean up the inner distortions around our empath abilities.

I suddenly realize that my clenching – the intense and inexplicable clenching that not only involves arms and belly, but also includes hips, feet, calves, thighs, shoulders, neck, jaw, forehead, and nearly every other voluntary and involuntary muscle in my body – well all of that clenching seems to be focused on preventing my energy flows so that I will not be able to take in more emotional garbage.

Body Clenching Clues

But the deepest insight begins to flow as Keith answers a question that one of the women has regarding a pain in her hip, and indirectly regarding energies from Mother Earth. Keith tells her that in her case, most of her intuition and insight came from the “Divine Mother.” Keith points out that her hip began to hurt when she earlier released densities from her abdomen. She was subconsciously attempting to prevent those energies from coming up from the earth, desperate to protect herself from opening what had caused her problems in the past.

Suddenly, all of my clenching begins to take on new meaning. For most of my life I have felt a near-energetic-deadness from the heart down – sensing almost no energy in the lower half of my body, and very little energy in the arms, shoulders, neck, jaw, and forehead.

Then I remember how, at around age ten, I literally began to clench my entire body, walking pigeon-toed, hunching forward, and walking as if I were in a speed-walking competition. I developed a complete inability to relax … one that has never fully dissipated.

Nonstop Intuitive Insights

“Keith,” I interrupt at an appropriate moment. “Everything you have said to her was also being spoken directly to me.

Tears begin to stream down my cheeks as I continue.

“For the first time ever,” I tell Keith, “I realize that ALL of my clenching was a protection to shut down not only energy flow to and from Mother Earth, but that it also shut down the source of my intuition, and empath sensitivities too. All of those things got me into huge trouble. And the horrendous shame I experienced from being pigeon-toed, and from having big forearms and calves (they swelled up with the clenching) … all of that was subconsciously created energy blockages for which terror continues to keep them locked up.”

“Behind the clenching are absolute “Pandora’s Box” nightmares that are being hidden and protected by this clenching,” I throw in another insight.

“The word “control” is coming to me.” Keith quickly adds. “You always had to control your environment to protect yourself too.”

Suddenly I realize that this is why I was an obnoxious rule-robot, a tattletale, avoiding parties, people pleasing … all of it. I was trying to keep things safe from extreme emotions … trying to avoid fighting, confrontation, disagreement, and any interaction where I might slurp up surrounding emotion.

“And a lot of my social dysfunctions are because I took things in and believed myself to be horribly broken,” I share with Keith. “I could not relate to others and was “uptight” in extreme ways – physically, emotionally, and socially – and I could not have fun because it hurt.”

Tiring And Exhausting

As I continue talking, several people chime in, deeply relating, telling me that I am describing their stories too. I feel the energetic resonance. I finally understand much more of my fifty-eight years of struggle … why I still annoy some people on the porch … why I still try to keep the porch running smoothly. The subconscious need to control, for my own safety, is still causing me to be uptight, serious, and protective. This is the root of most all of my lifelong social habits that I hate and that continue to sometimes get me in trouble.

I share more details about a life struggle with uncontrollable clenching, fast-walking, fast-talking, and fast-doing.

“Keith, in my late teen years I spent nearly two years of intense, consciously-focused, extreme self-dedication just learning NOT to walk pigeon toed,” I beg for guidance. “But the rest remains on autopilot. I seem to have no control over it, and it requires extreme effort just trying to be normal.”

“And it is very tiring, requiring a great deal of energy,” Keith adds more insight.

“I seem to be on edge all the time,” I continue exploring the exhaustion. “I cannot sleep on planes, buses, or with others around. If someone is even touching me, I simply cannot relax. This is why I am so protective of my space on the porch. It triggers intense panic.”

“And I was never able to consistently meditate before finding chocolate,” I continue sharing. “Frequently when I tried, I went into panic. Deep relaxed breathing triggered a panic attack. Attempting to relax my arms triggered freak-out panic. Chocolate is the only thing that helps me to focus in meditation.”

Keith and I have a beautiful talk about these profound insights. I am deeply emotional through much of the conversation, releasing many of the emotions that surface. One woman later tells me that my insights deeply helped her, giving me beautiful and specific feedback.

New Joy, New Energy, Continued Clenching

As the ceremony concludes, Keith congratulates me for how I stayed out of my head today, pointing out how I did profound work without knowing anything … allowing the knowing to come spontaneously at the end.

The understanding came in ways outside of rational mind. I have known this stuff at an intellectual level for some time, but now I am literally feeling it rather than knowing it. The inner experiential knowing is deep and clear.

I walk home with one woman who had given me beautiful feedback. We have a magical connection and a fun chat. She is leaving San Marcos very soon, so I may never see her again, but I love the instant heart connection.

Later, to celebrate with my inner children, I treat myself to a burger and fries at my favorite eating place. I enjoy a fun chat with the restaurant owner before sitting with him to watch the final ten minutes of a political-satire-comedy segment on television.

I shock myself when I begin to spontaneously laugh out loud. Something has really shifted inside me. My head and shoulders feel more relaxed, and inner joy is bursting at the seams, surprising even me.

When I return home, I am physical tired, but emotionally lighter. Yet most of my body is again uptight and clenched. But more energies are flowing in my body, and a different energy has taken up residence in my head. This new energy is somewhat overwhelming – yet very clarifying. Words cannot describe it.

Lingering Insights

As I later prepare for bed, I remember another key insight Keith had shared during our conversation about my body clenching. He had hinted that my understanding of this clenching is getting right down to the core of the power loss in my magical theme park.

“Work with it in this way,” Keith had encouraged me.” Follow whatever metaphors come up to turn that power back on.”

“But Keith,” I had responded with discouragement. “I don’t seem to get anywhere when trying to put in plugs or replace fuses etc…, I feel like those metaphors just engage the mind and then my head gets in the way.”

Keith responds by suggesting that maybe I should just keep doing what I have done in the last two ceremonies … just continuing to bring in more love and trust, not needing to know anything in the rational mind.

In response to another comment where I said something about having “killed” this magical power as a child, Keith had countered by suggesting that I see it as “having cut the power lines and blocked this power … not killed it.”

I love these new insights, drifting off to sleep with them still lingering in my mind.

Butterflies And Caterpillars

After spending a magical Tuesday writing and publishing “Choosing The Butterfly,” I feel guided to watch an internet video that one of my friends posted on Facebook. I have loved Adyashanti’s teachings in the past, and today, what I find in the video is perfect for where I am at in my ongoing “waking-up” process. Adyashanti even asks the extremely appropriate question, “Will the butterfly still care about the caterpillar?” – a question right in line with what I barely finished writing – with pointing out that in order to become the butterfly, one must make the conscious choice to stop being a caterpillar. It is a question raising my own fear, a fear that, “If I am a butterfly, will I still be able to relate to others who have not yet embraced their own wings?”

Following is a link to this beautiful video if you would like to watch it for yourself. I highly recommend it.

http://www.cultureunplugged.com/documentary/watch-online/play/1513/Adyashanti

Restless Nights

Wednesday morning, I wake up at around 3:00 a.m., with lots of energy, and I do mean lots of energy flowing in my abdomen and other parts of my body. The energy feels like fear and emotional density, combined with Higher Energies – as if the Higher Energies are working with the other energies – as if I am on the Goddess’s operating table, having things adjusted inside me.

There is no mental understanding or intuition surrounding what is going on. It is just an intense flow and vibration – one that triggers some twitching and squeamy sensations in my belly, arms, and legs.

I struggle to return to sleep. It seems that these restless nights with broken sleep are becoming a regular occurrence.

Deeply Stuck

During the early ninety minutes of a Wednesday afternoon chocolate ceremony, I feel semi-disconnected, with deep and uncomfortable pains in my abdomen. I am proud of myself, however, for remembering to check in with my heart before judging myself as I often do. My heart is open, so I believe I am just reading the painful emotions of others.

But it HURTS … and I feel incapable of bringing in more love to help me work with the pain. I feel helpless, stuck, and forever doomed to experience such pain.

As we begin the individual-work portion of the ceremony, I hold my belly as I glance up at Keith.

“I am reading this, aren’t I?” I beg for confirmation.

“Yes,” Keith smiles back at me.

“Is there some way you can help me to make it less painful?” I ask what is now a familiar question.

“Make some dials and turn down the intensity,” Keith shocks me with a new metaphor.

“I can do that?” I ask with shock.

I again ask Keith for assistance a short while later. I indicate that I have been successful in turning the dials down with the pain but that I am still stuck. He coaches me to ask the light to help transmute the pain. I try this, but cannot feel any light entering or any pain dissolving. I am deeply stuck.

An Overactive Brat

Meanwhile, a young man sitting near me is extremely active today. I have no idea what he is really doing on the inside, or whether he is doing real work at all, but from my vantage point, I perceive him as a distracted little boy who wants attention. He is crying, fidgeting, making vocal noises, moving around, pulling a friend out of her process, distracting, whimpering, making more sounds, more moving, and more fidgeting … constantly … nonstop.

I am going crazy with my inner judgments, being unable to focus, and silently projecting blame onto this young man. I really want to turn to him, tap him on the shoulder, and ask him to please sit still.

In fact, I am feeling deep anger toward him, but I realize it is not really about him … that it is not about what it is about. Nonetheless, I am deeply annoyed by him, and secretly wish Keith would ask him to behave. I see that he is distracting many people on this end of the porch. I can see it in their body language.

“This is my creation,” I remind myself over and over. “He is playing out a role for me. It is a very annoying and frustrating role, but it is being acted out just for me.”

As I go inside, I soon begin to realize that this distraction is originating inside of me, and then projected outward. I have a similar teenage boy, and young child, inside of me – a boy begging for attention, throwing a quiet tantrum of helplessness, hoping someone will step in to assist me.

As I concentrate with the intention to send love to this inner boy, I feel deep judgment, refusing to send him love. Instead, I want to be angry with that dysfunctional, overactive little brat.

“Wow,” I ponder, “I thought I had learned to love that teenage boy in me.”

An Insane Inner War

“This is about control, about the clenching that I am trying to relax … to understand … to heal,” I ponder deeper. “And it is about the anger, knowing that if I embrace the empowered, joyful, unconditionally-loving me, that this pitiful behavior will never stop. In fact, something inside demands that it will get worse.”

“I feel terrified to drop the clenching and the control,” I continue feeling new insights. “And a part of me is really angry that I want to stop it.”

Wow, I am right in the middle of the God/separation drama decision point again. The “small me” is demanding my attention, rejecting the powerful me, feeling quite fearful and angry. My body hurts all over … the abdomen, chest, and throat areas feel tight and stretched. I feel as if I am again going stir crazy in this insane inner war.

An Almost Smile

Finally, perhaps halfway through a very nice ceremony, Keith glances at me and I explain what is happening inside.

“It is like I am at another level of what I did on Friday,” I share with Keith. “I am again at that choice point. The small-me is raging, terrified that giving up control means a life of painful chaos, and that more power means more empath pain.”

“It is not another layer,” Keith shocks me with his insight. “You brought the other stuff back.”

“I am trying to return to the self-love, to bring in more light, but I am so stuck. Nothing is working right now.” I express my confusion. “Do you have any advice?”

“Just sit with it,” Keith tells me.

I sit in silence as Keith moves on, desperately trying to raise my vibrations. All efforts to surrender and feel more love simply fall flat.

“Brenda,” Keith eventually interrupts, “what just happened a few minutes ago.”

“I’m not sure what you mean,” I respond with a puzzled look.

“You almost let yourself smile,” Keith responds.

“Oh yeah,” I respond with a giggle. “I was starring at Bobby bear, trying to smile, imagining him as Steven helping me to bring in relaxation and Higher Energies … but it wasn’t working.”

More Empath Surprises

With Keith’s prompting, I return to this attempt to smile. As I do so, I slowly feel increasing desire to release and share more of my heart power to others on the porch, doing so in a generic group-level way. Gradually, I begin to feel more joy and a smile returns to my face. But I continue to experience physical pains, and I remain very exhausted from very little sleep over the last few nights. I am still not fully letting go of the small storytelling me … but I AM doing much better.

Keith soon points out that he is noticing my higher vibration shift, and I fill him in on my process. He then surprises me by mentioning that a nearby woman has been helping me release my densities.

As I continue my focus on sharing more love with this woman, my heart begins to feel more alive, but I experience a great deal of tight pain in the upper chest and bottom of my throat. I am shocked a few minutes later when Keith begins to talk about this woman’s own blockage, pointing to her upper chest and throat. (I have not yet told him about my new pains.)

“You mean this is me reading her intense blockage?” I ask with surprise while holding my hand on my upper chest and throat.

“Yes,” Keith responds matter-of-factly.

A Convincing Lie

“Ouch, this hurts,” I ponder in shock. “I think I am involved in this insane inner battle because I am opening to more power and love, which is causing me to open more of my empath sensitivities. As a result, I am freaking out that it hurts more, causing me to lose trust because I still do not know what I am doing. Therefore, I am rebelling against power/ love/ and joy, blocking my ability to bring in light because in the short term, my unhealed empath abilities are making things worse.”

I see that my whole journey began with empath stuff hurting deeply as a baby, causing me to reject light and love, blocking the very Higher Power that is now the answer to my healing and joy. I have had repeated recent experiences showing me that this is a lie, that the inner power does not have to hurt. It can be magically fun, enjoyable, and energizing.

But today, I am forgetting that knowing … insisting that I will NOT embrace the powerful-me because I KNOW it will hurt me.

“This is a story,” I remind myself. “It is an eff-ing lie, but in my present state, it is a very convincing lie.”

I do my best to be in my power for the remainder of the ceremony, but I continue to feel the “reading” pains from other peoples’ densities … and to feel confused and doubtful.

A Frustrated Smile

Repeatedly, I invite and attempt to feel the same energy that had brought me such magical freedom on Friday, but I am not able to feel any of it today.

Intuitions whisper that this is a part of my journey … to get so low that I will then take another step forward into even more power, joy, and love.

Right now, I am desperate, hopeless, confused, and clueless, yet I trust that I am in a perfect place. I don’t have a clue what I am doing. It feels frightening, mind-boggling, upside-down, and painful, and I want out.

“But I want IN,” I ponder in trust. “I know that what is happening is perfect. I know that this is preparing me for another leap forward, taking me to a new level of surrender and not-knowing.”

“This non-rational-mind stuff is confusing,” I ponder with a frustrated smile.

At 5:00 p.m., I rush home for a quick dinner, after which I hurry back to Keith’s home to assist in bagging another three-hundred pounds of chocolate. As I quickly scribble a few notes, I recognize that I did indeed get very powerful results from the ceremony today. I reached the depths of another dark-shadow, God-drama choice point – in fact, it is the same one as last week, just revisited.

Keith had suggested that this would likely happen, and in many ways, I am grateful it did. I am learning that, even in confused struggle, I am much more conscious, and more aware of what I am doing.

New Old Pains

Thursday morning, I remain in a heavy energy, but I am not buying it, refusing to wallow in it, and instead spend my morning watching two fun, uplifting movies.

The workgroup ceremony today turns out to be quite small, with around twelve people at the peak. As initial conversations banter on, I ponder the intense painful journey of yesterday. In many ways, I am actually afraid to drink the chocolate today, wondering if I am up for another repeat –but I drink the chocolate anyway.

Early during a silent meditation, I begin to experience more intense pain in the upper middle of my solar plexus. Again, I focus on “smile” energy, watching this pain with self-love, deep acceptance, and compassion.

A Bottomless Chasm

Soon, a friend goes into deep emotional inner work. I have no idea what he is working with, but at a visual level, it seems to be almost identical to what I am feeling. He is visualizing himself on a painful ledge, with the other side being far away. I smile a huge smile as I feel myself stuck on my own painful ledge of pain and fear, desperately needing to cross a bottomless chasm, to let go of my painful perch, but the task feels impossible. At the other side of the chasm is a place of power, joy, and unconditional love.

Following along with metaphors Keith uses for this friend, I imagine my Higher Self lowering a bridge that joins both sides. I slowly imagine myself walking partway out onto the bridge. The emotions are intense and fearful.

Meanwhile, I notice that three other women are also facing deep fears, in their own ways, facing their own deep chasms. But I remain deeply connected to the emotions I witness in one friend. It still feels as if he is doing exactly the same thing that I am doing.

It is the absolute horror of letting go of the smallness, and subsequently moving into a new level of light-shadow power.

Keith suggests to my friend that his Higher Self will start to narrow the gap, and that the bridge will get shorter. I imagine the same thing in my own visual, sinking ever deeper into my own inner journey.

As I continue the meditation, the physical pain in my body is now extremely intense, but I am still smiling, almost laughing. At the same time, however, a huge part of me wants to run away. Soon, an intense, aching, kicked-in-the-gut feeling consumes my abdomen. But rather than feeling angry and fearful like I did yesterday, a memory flashes into my head.

Dealing The Cards

Over sixteen years ago, I faced divorce and gender transition. In deep agonizing fear, I literally gambled with my whole life, sliding all of my chips out onto the poker table. I placed my bet and asked the Universe to shuffle and deal the cards. I was deeply aware that I would likely lose my family, my job, my home, my financial stability, and possibly everything I loved, becoming an outcast or worse.

But I also knew there was no staying behind in a male body – that doing so would lead to death, if not physical then surely emotional. In order to be my pure, genuine, authentic self, I had no choice but to make the shift. The terror was intense. I sobbed and sobbed for weeks and months before taking the final steps. Often, during that agonizing period, I would call a friend. She drove to meet me during an over-extended lunch hour, and she would spend several hours helping to put my pieces back together. I was an emotional basket case. Everything in my life felt as it if were collapsing around me.

But somehow, I faced those fears and made it through. I survived with courage and loving valor. I did not lose anything, not one thing of true value. Yes, it was extremely difficult and challenging. Yes, relationships were strained. But I survived in all areas. In fact, I thrived, even with the frequent setback and “growth opportunities” that surfaced. As a result of that intense life transformation, the seeds of my spiritual awakening had been planted.

And wow, have they ever grown and blossomed!

Drawing Profound Parallels

“Right now, what is going on in my abdomen feels like a similar God-drama decision,” I ponder with new insight and clarity. “I have the choice of remaining in my old life of being small, insignificant, and powerless, or I have the choice to embrace my true identity, my divine light-shadow self.”

Just like my gender transition years ago, I know that I will emotionally (and possibly physically) die if I remain in the smallness of my old life. There will be no reason to go on with life if I turn my back on who I now know that I truly am.

Yet, contemplating letting go of this painful energetic block in my belly literally feels as if I am losing my identity … letting go of my ability to relate to family and friends … letting go of normalness and fitting in … letting go of the story. The thought of doing any of these things is terrifying, causing intense physical pain in my belly.

“But I HAVE done this before,” I ponder with an intuitive giggle. “Sixteen years ago, when I put my whole life on the poker table, it was far more frightening than this. When I faced over three hundred hours of grueling electrolysis, I met the pain with a courageous smile. When I had my surgeries – frightening and life-challenging surgeries – I did so with excitement and giggling. And when I faced repeated social humiliation, I did so with loving confidence, and my head held high.”

Yes, the pain in my belly is very much like the pain I felt sixteen years ago. It hurts like hell. But I withstood similar pain in the past with unstoppable smiling courage, knowing I was on my way to embracing my authentic self.

“I can do it again,” I giggle quietly. “In fact, right now, what I am facing seems far less frightening that what I have already done … and with flying colors.”

“I am ALL IN on that poker table,” I tell myself. “I can do this. I have done this before. There is no going back. I am again taking another step toward becoming my authentic Higher Self.”

“It was through embracing my real self that I found relief from the pain sixteen years ago,” I ponder with a giggle. “And it will be through embracing my Higher Self now that I will again find relief from the pains of dysfunctional powerlessness.”

A Frightened Child

As I surrender with courage, embracing present fear and pain, I gradually feel the energies shift, and most of that “kicked-in-the-gut” pain almost immediately relaxes. Yet a small, vibrating, softer-but-still-very-painful gut ache yet remains at a tiny core spot. But something is different in the narrow energetic channel between my throat and solar plexus. It feels solid and real. Something has definitely shifted, even though I continue to feel crimping panic at that tiny core spot.

Meanwhile, I overhear Keith share a familiar metaphor with someone else. He talks of a four-year-old child whose foot hurts so much that he approaches his parents and tells them that he thinks is foot is going to fall off. Even though the parents know the child’s foot is not going to fall off, the child still needs to be loved and held, and to have his intense pain validated.

“This intense, ongoing pain in this tiny core spot is me, in legitimate fear, terror, and panic of going forward,” I ponder with new insight. “But, just like that four-year-old child, the feared consequences are not real. Still, I need to pick this fear up in my arms, love it, and hold it. I need to give this part of me what it desperately needs – my own self-love.”

Over the next hour, as I focus on this self-love, my heart grows stronger and stronger. But still, some heavy painful emotion remains.

Orchid Stories

As Keith works with a young woman regarding the intense distractions she is experiencing (a screeching skill-saw in the background), I begin to realize that I too am facing deep distraction. For most of the ceremony, I have been unable to follow the processes of others. Yet I have been in self-love and trust, not trying to figure anything out with the mind. Instead, I have been seeing the distraction as the white team passing around a basketball, while the real issues are dancing around inside like a gorilla beating his chest. (See blog titled, “Giggling Gorilla Games,” published April 6, 2013.)

As I ponder how that little gorilla is my real self, I again recognize that all the distractions are my inner scammer. I continue to give power to those distractions.

Again, I double down on more self-love, focusing on the gorilla, the true inner me who wants to wake up … who wants to embrace my power, joy, and love.

A few times in the midst of this distraction journey, Keith checks in with me, and I generically fill him in on the profound insights. He reminds me that I am in a continuing process of self-love and trust, not needing to know or understand.

In one such check-in, Keith shares a short story about an orchid in his garden, and how he felt guided to bring it down from the mountains above San Marcos.

“I don’t get the parallel,” I express confusion to Keith.

“It is about trusting your guidance,” Keith fills me in, “just being with what flows, and believing it is leading you somewhere, not needing to know or understand at the time.”

An Ignored Hook

I sit in this space for a long time – a space of focusing on self-love, trust, self-love, trust, self-love, and did I say trust? I experience some budding lightness, and begin to notice that the pain in that tiny spot at the top of my solar plexus is shifting to a prickling vibration rather than a sharp needle poke. I intuitively know something huge has shifted, and no longer feel the panic in my belly.

And, at least for now, the squeamys in my forearms have also disappeared. I am deeply encouraged, but also feel intuitions whispering that this is a temporary trust-building experience.

While Keith is busy elsewhere with a chocolate delivery, I begin to feel magical lightness consuming me. It is beautiful, a Higher Vibration and more joyful mood – very much like the one I experienced on Friday.

When Keith eventually returns and glances at me, he takes one look, feels my energy, and says “Wow!”

“You felt the God-drama bait profoundly today,” Keith congratulates me deeply, “but you did not bite the hook.”

“Very good work!” Keith grins at me with his thumb sticking prominently in the air.

Initial Stages

As I walk home, I feel happy, joyful, and relaxed … but something inside whispers that I am not yet totally done with this. I know that today was a trust-building experience … another level of growth … a profound and magical step toward relaxing the clenching.

I also know that I barely scratched the surface today with the clenching, but clearly understand that it is related to absolute terror of further embracing the light, and that I put it there to shut down all the energy flow in my head, shoulders, arms, belly, and legs, etc…

But one thing is quite clear. As I rest and relax my belly, I experience no extreme panic … in fact, I feel no panic at all.

As I later ponder before bed, I remember something else regarding the work of a friend. Keith had told him that he was beginning to release intense conditioned blockages in his solar plexus – blockages clogging his lower chakras, including generational belief systems and conditioning from religion and culture.

As I had listened to Keith’s words, everything he said also resonated profoundly with me. I am very clear that today, many generational belief systems clogging my own issues of power, sexuality, and creativity also began to crumble – at least in their initial stages.

The Authentic Me

It seems that these last five days have involved a profound theme of “not needing to know” – of trusting, surrendering, allowing, and following, while asking rational mind to sit patiently on the sidelines, observing, listening, and responding when needed, but not running the show.

Other common themes seem to involve dramatically increased empath sensitivities, painful journeys with clenching and squeamys, and further exploration of the God / separation / deity drama, taking each of these journeys to new levels of healing.

I love how everything synchronously dovetails together, day after day, ceremony after ceremony, bringing unexpected healing in unforeseen ways.

In the ceremonies on Sunday and Monday, a combination of all of these themes led to deep understanding of how the body clenching is tightly holding the lid on an inner “Pandora’s Box” of sorts – an external manifestation of desperately attempting to control my external environment to keep that inner nightmare reality safe and hidden.

And with these new levels of growth, even difficult days seem to be unleashing new levels of renewed joy and laughter – along with ongoing energy-rich-but-sleep-deprived nights.

The ceremonies on Wednesday and Thursday were equally as intense, involving agonizing empath pains and insane inner wars. These ceremonies brought understanding that fear of additional empath anguish is a major contributor to the terror surrounding crossing that bottomless inner chasm that separates my small self from the light-shadow self – separating my powerless self from the magnificent joy, power and light that resides at the core of each of us.

But perhaps the most profound magic happened on Friday when unexpected memories flashed me back sixteen years to an agonizing time in which I also faced the sheer terror of letting go of an old identity – trembling in the overwhelming fear of choosing to embrace the authentic me – trembling in the face of potentially losing everything I loved.

Yes, just like those terrifying times in the not-so-long-ago past, I know that facing my greatest fear, embracing the light shadow, will be an ongoing journey, but that each step along the way will take me ever more magically into the joy of being my true, divine, authentic self.

Defying all odds, I did it sixteen years ago, with beautiful results.

I can … and I will … do it again.

… to be continued …

Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “A Conscious Choice Point.”

Still glowing in magical energy after making a conscious choice to embrace the light shadow in a beautiful Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony, I find it quite difficult to relax and fall asleep. New, extremely active, higher vibration energy dances around in my spine, engaging in tantalizing tingles from the root all the way to my crown. The energy is magical, but extremely distracting … almost overwhelming. It continues the nonstop activity right up until the time I finally fall asleep, giving me perhaps five hours of restless sleep.

Early Monday morning, I forgo normal routine for what is recently becoming a frequent activity. Shortly after 7:00 a.m., I am on a Tuk-Tuk, beginning the first short leg of a four-hour journey to Guatemala City. Another friend from Utah is coming for a short visit. This is a woman I met briefly in the summer of 2011 while visiting Salt Lake City. That was a time of stretching inner limitations while conducting my own chocolate ceremonies. I will call this friend by the name of Linda.

It is a whirlwind journey involving eight hours of riding chicken buses and a new first-time venture. Linda feels quite adventurous, and has only a small backpack for luggage, so the two of us make the long walk from the airport to the chicken-bus stop, courageously exploring parts of Guatemala City on foot. After a giggling visit and exploration, we barely catch the final “direct” bus going home, arriving back at my apartment at 8:00 p.m..

After a quick restaurant dinner, I again find myself on my pillow, with that same extremely active energy beginning to do the two-step dance on my spine.

“This is going to be another interesting night,” I ponder as I attempt to drift off to sleep. In retrospect, I actually sleep quite well.

Tiring Tourist Trips

Tuesday, March 26, 2013, would normally be a writing day – but instead of sitting at my computer, I guide Linda on a long walking tour of various areas and restaurants in San Marcos. I find myself constantly giggling with surprise as we frequently bump into friend after friend. I have been so isolated in my life, spending five days each week doing inner work, and the other two days writing, that I do not get out much. I giggle with delight at how many people there are with whom I truly do feel a magical heart connection. The day ends with another such connection with Sufi – my three-month roommate from last summer. She stops by my apartment, and we share a long, beautiful, healing conversation.

Wednesday morning begins with another quick round of tourist activities as I guide Linda for a boat ride to nearby San Juan, and then to San Pedro. Our return boat ride is one of the slowest and bumpiest I have ever experienced, but we make it home safely, with barely enough time to rush over to Keith’s porch.

A Renewed Choice

I am shocked by the size of the large crowd that shows up for the chocolate ceremony, with just around forty people crowding this tiny area. When I briefly stand up to help serve some chocolate, I return to my seat, finding two extra people now squeezed in beside Linda and I – with five of us squished into an area that is only comfortable for three.

“I can do this,” I reassure myself, remembering claustrophobic panic from ceremonies past.

But finally, as an empty seat opens up across the porch, I jump at the opportunity for a place to stretch my legs. Besides, there is a woman crying right next to that seat. I feel guided to go work with her. I coach her for a while, helping her do more release and bring in additional light. She is quite confused and deeply appreciative of my assistance. When my work with her is complete, I help another woman on my right.

Rational mind has no clue what I am doing. I am simply sharing energy, and speaking words that pop into my mind, trusting that I do not need to know much more than that. I somehow know that I am being powerful, and helping a great deal.

Through it all, I continue to focus on that “conscious-choice-with-blinders-on” – on choosing to embrace the light shadow, the joy, the inner power, and the unconditional love in my heart.

Excruciating Empath Agony

When Keith eventually conducts an empath training, I try to hold energetic space, but I am deeply distracted and stop my participation. In fact, my abdomen is twitching wildly, going crazy with inner activity that is freaking me out.

Keith eventually glances my way, and I fill him in on this crazy inner reality.

“I am wondering if this is my inner child throwing a shut-down tantrum,” I share a passing theory, “but I am not convinced that this is what it is. My abdomen feels like a literal popcorn popper inside.”

Keith quickly agrees that it is not an inner tantrum.

“Brenda,” Keith then surprises me, “you participated in the empath training at a new level today.”

Keith does not say much more than that, leaving me guessing, because I did not feel as if I had participated at all. My abdomen had begun twitching wildly at the very beginning, and I had totally disengaged. As I ponder more deeply, I begin to realize that during phase-one of the training – a stage where we invite a Higher Being to send us real emotional density – that I had begun to freak out with old fears that surfaced.

But rather than analyze with my head, I put the thoughts on hold and totally focus on inviting Higher Energy vibrations to fill me, simply surrendering to what is happening.

Cycling In Craziness

After about twenty minutes of such surrender, I am overwhelmed by the ongoing inner intensity, feeling an insistent desire to isolate myself, to run away from the porch and go home. But instead, I go sit in the corner of the porch, hiding out behind Keith’s green camp chair. I meditate as deeply as I can, imagining myself floating on my back in Lake Atitlan, giving up control, in total surrender to Higher Energy and trust.

In my heart, I remain in a good state, but my abdomen is going crazy with what I could only describe as an intense panic attack.

I mostly ignore the inner chaos, but it is extremely uncomfortable at the physical level. Perhaps a half hour later, Keith turns his head and looks at me.

“I am experiencing a near panic attack,” I explain to Keith, begging for some guidance.

“You are minimizing it Brenda,” Keith smiles at me. “It is more like a huge inner panic freak-out.”

“I am just observing the panic, trying not to think about it, simply imagining myself floating in the lake,” I explain my ongoing process. “But just talking about it right now is deeply intensifying the emotions. I am thinking this is just another scammer attack to pull me out of my power, but inner chatter demands that this is density – that I need to feel and release it. I am determined to choose my power and light shadow.”

“I am so confused right now,” I explain to Keith.

Keith does not provide much guidance, leaving me to follow my own inner breadcrumbs. I am quite emotional at this point, cycling in craziness.

A Rebellious Counterattack

To my delight, my friend Nancy suddenly comes over to my isolated corner and loving “swarms me” with beautiful compassionate support. I love it, but at the same time, her attention seems a little overwhelming. She tells me that she is intensely feeling what I am feeling – and to her it feels like a massive child tantrum in my belly – like a mother with fifteen children all refusing to cooperate with her.

“I solved a similar issue by getting really angry at the energies inside me,” Nancy shares a personal experience.

“But I know I need to do this with love,” I contest Nancy’s advice.

“In this case it IS loving to get firm with these parts of you refusing to cooperate,” Nancy counters.

I do not necessarily agree with this approach, but I do know that right now I am feeling deep anger toward these parts of me who are in distracting rebellion. I still feel that these parts are scamming me – parts demanding that I remain small and insignificant – and I am tired of listening to their rebellion and self-sabotage.

“This part of you is demanding that you buy into its lies,” Keith momentarily interrupts my conversation with Nancy.

Keith’s words seem to validate that a part of me is throwing a huge rebellious counterattack tantrum. I feel deep anger toward this part of me, but continue to trust that, even though I need to feel and release this emotion, that the inner solution still involves self-love.

From Anger To Peace

Even so, I opt to give myself permission to feel and express the anger, desperately wanting those emotions to surface and flow out of me. Nancy supports me through about fifteen minutes of anger release. The emotions are so intense that I literally want to punch pillows and scream, but I do not go there. Instead, I feel the anger emotionally, and give myself permission to sob and dry heave.

The process is intense. When it is over, I feel lighter and calmer, but even more confused … and very dizzy. I know I did something powerful, but am confused as to whether or not I did the right thing – or whether I just used the wrong emotional response by attacking a scared puppy using a big stick.

But I literally feel that this inner rebellion has its arms wrapped tightly around my neck, choking my life force and self-expression. I have felt totally helpless and hopeless to move forward in embracing the light shadow, and in the process of choosing my power and magic, this expression of repressed anger has helped to release a great deal of that hopeless apathy.

I feel much lighter as Nancy and I quietly chat for a while. I love her so much. Her guidance is so supportive, but also confusing, because a few of her words of advice directly conflict with things Keith has told me.

Nancy reminds me that this confusion is to give me the opportunity to trust my own inner knowing, to embrace my own power and personal connection to Source.

Crazy Making Confusing

At the end of the ceremony, I explain to Keith that I believe that what I experienced today was indeed an inner tantrum orchestrated by a rebellious shut down child. Keith initially implies “no,” but then checks his guidance.

“Part of this is to get you out of analyzing with your head,” Keith then tells me. “Confusion is good at this point.”

“But I WAS staying out of my head,” I protest to Keith. “I was NOT analyzing, I was simply floating in a lake, surrendering, connecting with Higher Energy, and trusting that I did not need to do anything mentally. Then all of the help from Nancy showed up and I followed the flow. I wasn’t trying to figure it out at the time.”

I know these words are true, but I do have to admit that right now, I AM trying to figure it out – trying to understand all the confusion.

“This stage of the process can be crazy-making and confusing,” Keith smiles at me, “and this is part of the process.”

Higher-Energy Dizziness

I do indeed feel quite crazy right now. Soon, a beautiful young woman from Switzerland grabs me and hugs me nonstop for fifteen minutes. I begin to cry and sob as she touches various parts of my back and shoulders where emotional pain is released … triggering deep emotions of wishing my “mommy” had been able to hold me like this. I so needed such physical support, but never had it. In fact, I never would have allowed it even if it were available.

Then Nancy gives me a huge genuine hug, followed by one from Steven, and one more from another beautiful young woman. Before walking home, I give Keith a quick brief hug. I do not speak. I trust that all is perfect, and that I need no verbal guidance.

Right now, the panic is gone, and I feel overwhelmed by Higher-Energy dizziness. I want to be alone – to go home, to isolate and hide in a hole. But with my friend Linda visiting, I cannot do this. I need to be social.

Speaking of Linda, she had left just over halfway through the ceremony. As I observed from afar, I could see that she was not resonating with events, with what was happening, or even with Keith. Intuitions whisper that her leaving the ceremony will prove to be a huge growth opportunity for me.

I walk home at a half-snail’s pace, stopping frequently to stand and stare at clouds or distant volcanoes. I am overwhelmed by the shifting inner reality, and am actually quite thrilled when I arrive at home to find a note from Linda indicating that she is out for a walk. I quickly begin typing up notes for the day, eager to record the crazy emotional events.

I absolutely know that what I went through today was another layer of God / separation drama rebellion – a lash-back from parts of me that do not want to embrace the power – an absolute panic attack. It does not matter if it was an inner-child tantrum, emotional density, ego, or just plain inner scamming trying to stop me. In the end, it is all the same. I raised my vibrations, released a great deal of repressed anger, and I feel much better.

Pillow Pondering

I am both dizzy and delighted as I converse with Linda over dinner. We both agree that the ceremony served a powerful purpose for each of us. For her it was an awareness that she does not resonate with Keith, and that her path is guiding her elsewhere. For me, her walking away was a profound lesson in non-attachment – in not being attached to my friends needing to resonate with my path … not at all.

Deep inside, however, a rebellious energy is brewing. Linda bluntly shares many of the reasons behind her non-resonance with my teacher at the ceremony today. In honesty, I have to admit that all the things she says are things that have also triggered me many times in the past. But they are things that I have chosen to ignore because they are part of my process … part of my own inner healing … part of my deep understanding that if something triggers me that, “it is not about the other person, it is not about what it is about, and that nothing changes until I do.”

But when an outside person expresses the same doubts and triggers, a buried and rebellious part of me begins to chatter … questioning whether I am simply fooling myself … insisting that I need to be a people pleaser and go along with the beliefs and criticisms of a friend.

“Wow,” I ponder on my pillow. “I have been doing this my whole life. When a friend questions something I am doing, I have a strong tendency to doubt myself, to question and potentially invalidate my own inner knowing. In fact, this has been the source energy behind much of the betrayal in my life.”

New Age Woo-Woo

Thursday, March 28, 2013, begins in crazy-making fashion. I wish I could run away. I am not relating to Linda’s energy or viewpoints, or to what I now perceive as rational-mind stories. Rather than disconnect, however, I eventually remind myself of my ability to listen with compassion and understanding. As I act on the latter, I nudge my end of the conversation back into a heart-connecting one – one of each person allowing the other to have a different truth, but one filled with mutual love and respect.

I am really happy with the results of this heart-listening, yet recognize that deep inside of me is rampant impatience and frustration with rational mind stories. I know that this is my own struggling inner reality being projected outward, but ego wants to point the finger of blame onto an external figure.

After engaging in some fun hiking and exploring with my friend, I silently sink deeper and deeper into unexpressed fear relating to something Keith told me on Sunday. He pointed out that the more I embrace my light shadow, the more I will give up my stories – causing me to bump into a fear that I will be unable to relate to other people and maintain friendships. A great deal of fear is surfacing inside me surrounding this issue – especially seeing how difficult it is for me right now to discuss my inner truths and feelings with Linda. From subtle conversational twists, it is obvious to me that she thinks many of my beliefs are a bunch of “woo-woo new age crap.”

“My path is leading me to a place where I will relate to no one,” I ponder the surfacing fear. “I will end up a total dysfunctional hermit with no remaining ability to relate to people at the rational-mind level, or the emotional level, or even the woo-woo new-age level.”

Permission To Feel

When I arrive at Keith’s porch, a friend who is also there sharply growls at me, telling me she is in process, advising me to give her space. I back off and move away, not fully preparing the porch for ceremony until the last minute – leaving me in the awkward feeling of KNOWING that I am never going to fit in. Even friends I love and cherish seem to be rejecting me. I know this is not true, that this beautiful friend is simply in her own process, but given where I am at in my process, the timing is a perfect setup.

As the ceremony begins, I am drowning in deep repressed anger, fear, and rebellion toward God and Higher Energies – in a knowing that I am doing a “no-no” by embracing more light – that I will be alone and abandoned for good, ending up an utter failure, not resonating with, or being accepted by anyone ever again. Right now, I feel these emotions to the core.

This emotion causes deep pain in my solar plexus. At first, I ponder the idea that just maybe this emotion is something I am reading from someone else – perhaps from my friend. But eventually, after a long silent meditation, I come to the conclusion that what I am feeling is my own. I recognize that I am again at that God-drama choice point of needing to choose power, joy, and light. But the pain and emotion are so strong that I believe I cannot make that choice. I cannot go there; I refuse to go there. A part of me insists that I am a victim of the light, and that by embracing the light I am admitting failure.

Finally, I give myself permission to feel the anger. I breathe in and out with emphasis, breathing in deeply into the solar plexus, and breathing out with a focus on the throat – on my self-expression chakra. As I do so, I feel the power increase in my heart and high-heart regions. It is a magical sense of power that is returning – but as I feel it, I also struggle not to break down into sobs.

Searching for a way to release this emotion in an easier way, I imagine myself throwing anger at a group of angels. This inner visual triggers even more intense emotional release, involving dry heaving and streaming tears. For a while, I pull a scarf over my head and face, attempting to hide the process from others, trying to stifle the audible-side of things. Nevertheless, I am in deep emotional release.

Desperate For Release

Eventually, the emotion is so strong that I stand up and walk behind Keith’s house, seeking isolation where I can physically trigger a little of the anger by punching a pillow or two.

I manage to go through a few bursts of deep release, and even bring in a little light, but the anger and rebellion continue to dominate my mood. The only difference now is that the overwhelming emotion behind the moods has slightly reduced.

I know I need to bring in more light, but I refuse even to try. This rebellious emotion is dominant, overwhelming, real, and all consuming. I am too afraid to let it go – too afraid to try. I am confused, insane, crazy, and loopy – clearly knowing that I am deep in a God-drama loop – in one of the games that I play with deity to force my separation. Somewhere along the line, I took the bait, decided to isolate, dig a hole, and pull the lid over the top. I feel as if I could sob for weeks.

At one level, I know exactly what I am doing, but feel helpless to stop myself, feeling victimized by my own tantrum. I wish Keith could help me somehow. All day today, I have watched him do compassionate, patient work with others – with many people all over the porch – but he seems to be intentionally ignoring me.

Begging For Help

Finally, still lost in these crazy emotions, still unable to find the will power to bring in the light, still looping in insanity and confusion, I look up at Keith.

“Help,” I beg.

I then briefly summarize my struggle, explaining where I am at, my God drama, the confusion, the spinning in hopelessness, and my inability to bring in the light.

Keith responds with a matter-of-fact reply telling me what is going on and where I am at, but I do hear his words. He says something about me not needing his help, and instead needing to love myself, love where I am at, bringing in light, etc…

I feel as if a parent is scolding me, even though I know that Keith is speaking with unconditional love, without emotion, and without enabling – but to me, such a style of delivery feels like “not caring.”

I quickly regress to a very frequent emotion of childhood and youth – that of me looping in a tantrum, begging my mother for help, absolutely knowing I cannot proceed with what is expected of me without more help.

A Barrage Of Advice

Before I can even digest the emotions of what is happening, a friend jumps into the fray with rational-mind advice and discussion. I hate it when I ask Keith for help and suddenly other people want to jump in to tell me what is wrong with me, doing so at a surface level of words.

I am so lost in my inner reality that to me, their words are empty. In my present state, I do not believe they understand where I am at, and strongly feel that they see something wrong with me and are attempting to fix me with condescending advice.

I resist my first friend’s advice, and then someone else jumps in with more fixing words. Then another, and another, and another. It is a virtual onslaught of fixing advice about my craziness – most of it coming from people that I know have no clue as to where I am at in my process. I believe they are well intentioned, but I hear everything they say as fixing, simply pointing out the obvious, telling me I am stuck in my rational mind and that I just need to let that go.

“Whoa,” I put my hands up and ask everyone to, “PLEASE STOP.”

A Bizarre Reality Creation

“I know you mean well,” I tell one friend. “I feel your loving compassion. But I did not ask Keith to help so that everyone could jump in and start a rational mind conversation. I was not in rational mind before I asked for help. I was just desperately attempting to feel and allow – but stuck and unable to proceed.”

“I used words in an attempt to describe where I am at,” I continue my protest, “but I do not want words to analyze or tell me what to do. I want KEITH to help me get beneath the words … to guide me somewhere at the energy level.”

Ignoring my plea, another new person on the porch repeatedly tries to speak up with advice.

“Please Stop!” I tell him.

Several times, he attempts to force his opinions onto me, and several times, I again beg him to PLEASE stop.

I feel attacked by rational mind fixing. I clearly recognize the unusual barrage of uninvited commentary. The situation is so unusual and blatantly obvious, that I know I must be creating this, that a higher part of me is manifesting this bizarre stage play to make a point. I know that this happened frequently last year, but has rarely occurred this year. Only because of this awareness do I make a conscious choice to listen and pay attention.

Compassionate Demands

“Brenda,” Keith eventually speaks again, “you ARE in your rational mind. I agree with what others have said.”

“I was NOT in my rational mind before,” I attempt to defend my previous statements. “I was just trying to explain my crazy stuckness, hoping for some compassionate assistance with the intense insanity feelings of being lost.”

Keith and I lovingly argue for a while. I insist that I deserve compassionate help from him, no matter how stuck I might be, no matter how many times I need the help again.

“I deserve patient compassion,” I emphasize again. “I would give it to anyone else, and I believe that a loving Higher Being would be equally compassionate, not refusing to help because he/she already said everything there is to say over a year ago, and there is now nothing more to say.”

“I am here again, right back in that same stuck place,” I beg, “and I deserve that compassionate help today … right now.”

Ongoing Pleading

“I have grown tremendously in the last year,” I speak up in further defense.

“Of course you have,” Keith validates with a smile. “I am not making you wrong for any of that. I am just pointing out that you are at the same place, still not allowing light to transmute the density, still in the God-drama loop.”

“But I am at a much more aware and higher level of doing this work,” I protest.

“Of course you are,” Keith responds with love. “But you are still at the same place you were a year ago.”

“I told you the answer before, but you didn’t listen,” Keith then changes the conversation.

“I don’t remember,” I respond.

“I know you don’t,” Keith answers.

“Would you please tell me again?” I beg Keith for assistance.

“YOU already explained it to me,” Keith turns my words around again. “You told me that you felt your density to the core, but then did not allow the light to come in to transmute it. You need to find compassion for yourself for being right where you are … for having too much fear to allow the light. This is not something you can figure out or do with the mind. You need to love yourself for where you are in your stuckness.”

Tantrums Replayed

“When I am lost in such a dark place, I deserve assistance to help me out,” I again insist.

“That would just be temporary fixing, not solving anything,” Keith matter-of-factly replies.

“It would help,” I fight back. “It has always helped. I believe this with all my heart. It has helped me every time, and if I need such help a thousand more times, I DESERVE it … I love myself enough to know that I deserve it.”

I am feeling very pissed at Keith as he moves on to work with others.

I meditate alone for a while, desperately attempting to bring in self-love, self-compassion, and light, etc. I flash back to the deep pain of childhood tantrums with my mother – tantrums in which I demanded and desperately knew that I needed help from my mother.

I clearly see that I am playing out one of those tantrums right now, doing so with Keith instead of my mother. As a child, I knew that I deserved help. My mother had destroyed all of my self-confidence for doing anything creative or out of the box. She did this through a well-intentioned conditioning process – one that was culturally-and-religiously accepted.

No Slack Cut

Perhaps thirty minutes later, when I am still deep in frustration but beginning to feel slightly better, Keith unexpectedly interrupts the silence.

“Brenda,” Keith surprises me,” where is the joy?”

“I am deep in childhood regression to demanding that I deserved help … having to fight for the help I needed and deserved,” I respond in my own way, feeling annoyed by Keith’s original question.

Again, I engage Keith in another discussion where I insist that I need compassion and patience, expressing that I am smart, but I could never do this alone.

“The Higher Beings that worked with me were equally tough on me,” Keith responds.

Keith then explains how he went for three years bearing the brunt of ridicule from others for being so stuck and unable to move on, and how the Higher Beings channeling through his group did not cut him any slack, none at all.

I have never heard Keith explain this with such detail, and it annoys me. I believe that Higher Beings would be compassionate, patient, and loving in all ways. I believe this with all of my heart.

The Games I Play

Again, I begin to question my teacher. Yet I know that right now I am in a victim/ needy energy, and that this energy state is attracting / manifesting exactly the response I need from Keith.

“No one can heal a victim,” I ponder. “I have to stop being a victim. I am back in that state of demanding an apology from God, demanding assistance from Higher Energies and teachers, when the very love I seek is all around me. I am just refusing to let go of my victim ammunition and my drama … of my anger and rebellion … until that help is delivered on my terms.”

I go back into silence, feeling like a loser, feeling as if everyone hates me … judges me … and thinks I am stupid.

In this state of isolation, I recognize that the compassionate, unconditionally loving assistance is all around me, but that neither Keith nor Higher Beings can give it to me when I am playing out this childhood tantrum with Keith. I understand that in most circumstances, Higher Beings will not lower their vibrations to my level. The love and guidance is always unconditionally available, but I am the one that must raise my vibrations to the level of that assistance.

The Tantrum Continues

When the ceremony is over, I wait for an opportunity to give Keith a quick hug. As I do so, he speaks to me with more compassion, reminding me of how as a child, I had demanded help from my mother – help to do easy things that I could have easily done for myself.

“Not when my creativity, self-confidence, and intuition were slammed out of me,” I again protest. “In that shut-down state it was NOT easy. I needed help because my confidence and trust had been destroyed.”

“I still believe I deserve more help now,” I calmly share with Keith. “I still don’t feel energies in a way that I fully trust. I really need someone to patiently guide me into bringing in energies, telling me what they can see and feel, and helping me to build confidence in what I might just barely feel. This has been deeply helpful when Steven and Nancy have done this with me.”

“Then you DO know what it feels like, and you CAN do it yourself,” Another friend interrupts, twisting my words back at me, seemingly rubbing salt in my wounds.

Pouting My Creation

“I could really use more confidence-building assistance to help open and trust my energy sensitivity,” I respond to Keith.

“I gave you lots of help last year and you didn’t let it in,” Keith uses logic that baffles me.

“But I am letting some in now,” I fight back. “I need the help now that I am beginning to be able to feel it.”

“That is just enabling,” Keith insists.

“Keith,” I plead. “I have had to beg for help my whole life, struggling to function. Is there an energy I am putting off that refuses to give me such help?”

Keith does not answer that question, and does not bend in his insistence that this would be enabling … that I need to do this myself now. In my present, tantrum state, I see Keith as a dense jerk.

“No Higher Being would ever treat me this way,” I ponder and pout.

Yet I know that I am creating this reality, splashing my trauma-drama in my face, causing me to play out this God drama in an extremely obvious manner with Keith. I am not angry at Keith. I am actually fine with everything, completely aware that I am manifesting this insane reality for a reason.

Disparaging Words

But nonetheless, I feel humiliated and stupid. I know I need time away from the porch to regroup and find self-love and compassion – the same beautiful energies I have found a great deal of lately.

“This is the first time in several months that I have looped in my drama like this,” I remind Keith, hoping for a little compassion.

“I am not making you wrong,” Keith responds. “But your job right now is to find self-love and compassion for where you are at, in the stuckness and fear.”

“I am stable, feeling considerable strengthening in my heart and high-heart,” I mention to Keith as I prepare to leave. “I know I am fine. I will be OK … but I still believe I deserve more compassionate help.”

“In fact, I am not even sure I belong here on the porch anymore,” the disparaging words unexpectedly flow off my tongue.

“Wow!” Keith smiles at me. “You are close to something big.”

I know Keith is right, but in my tantrum state, I perceive his celebratory tone as insulting, as not caring about my feelings, and as not validating my frustration. This annoys the hell out of me.

Isolating From Love

I walk home slowly, avoiding people, stepping off the road to a small view area when a friend approaches, hoping she walks on by.

“Thanks for helping me grow today,” the friend speaks as she approaches me.

“Huh?” I respond. “I helped you? I feel like the biggest loser … like everyone on the porch hates me now.”

“No,” my friend answers. “We all love you. You helped us in beautiful ways.”

“When I open my mouth and share feedback it is coming from Source,” my friend explains her motivation for participating in what I had perceived as a barrage of unsolicited comments from others.

“But I perceive such comments as a fixing energy coming from people who do not understand the history or depths of my process.” I explain. “I believe that you understand energetically, but you have no idea as to the terror I feel behind something as simple as just allowing myself to feel love … after fifty-eight years of sabotaging love.”

To my shock, this friend hugs me for ten long minutes, telling me to feel this love from her. I cry and sob, and she does not let go. She tells me to look into her eyes, adding that when I do this I am seeing love. I feel HER love right now, but I still do not feel divine love in a deeper way.

As I continue to walk home slowly, stunned, attempting to avoid, I am repeatedly approached by friends and loving words. I really want to isolate. I am thankful for the expressions of love and support, but I want to be alone.

I am grateful when Linda is compassionate with my need to be alone. She actually suggests that she wants to go watch a movie at a local Hostel, and that she will be fine not spending time together this evening.

I feel hammered and exhausted. Yes, I have a much better understanding of my God-drama loop – of the insane tantrum-filled games I play out with deity – but I still want to dig a hole and cry.

Confusing Stories, Unable To Relate

Friday morning, I wake up at 4:00 a.m., after having already had a very difficult and short-lived sleep. For the remainder of the morning, I do not return to sleep, feeling overwhelming energy pooling in my head. The emotions are somewhat in check, but distraction and chatter consume my mind.

At around 8:00 a.m., Linda and I go out for breakfast. As we sit waiting for our food, I attempt to talk about my emotions, trying to explain the crazy state I am in. Ouch … I am taken back when Linda also accuses me of being in my head with stories. This makes me really think.

“I AM telling stories,” I ponder silently with honestly, “but the only thing I am trying to do is to put words into describing the craziness that I am experiencing inside. I am not blaming anyone. I am only trying to describe what I am feeling. We all have to use words to explain what is going on inside.”

But as I get more honest with myself, I realize that I continue to hang onto many childhood stories – stories around which I anchor my reasons for still being stuck and unable to move forward.

I want to gag when Linda recommends a rational-mind approach to solving my emotional struggle, suggesting the techniques of a teacher whose methods I once used to love. At this point, I begin to realize that we cannot have this conversation. Soon, as I attempt to talk about other things, she slams several beliefs that are dear to my heart. I attempt to explain that the truth is not absolute, that she can have her truth and I can have mine, but she strongly resists this statement as well.

One thing is nice however. Linda compassionately understands my inability to be “socially human” right now – my desire to isolate and need to be alone. She shares her own stories that clearly illustrate that she understands my desire to dig a hole and pull the lid over.

Focusing On Self-Love

After setting up the porch for a Friday afternoon chocolate ceremony, I sit quietly meditating, attempting not to expose the deep reservoir of bubbling emotion. I am pleasantly shocked when one friend who had barked at me yesterday is now extremely sweet, offering a genuine hug.

During the “Glow Meditation,” I begin to get quite emotional. At the conclusion of the meditation, Keith announces he is now open to work with individuals.

“How about if we start with you Brenda?” Keith surprises me. “How are you doing today?”

I look up at Keith with huge tears in my eyes, chocking back sobs as I try to speak.

“I am really trying,” I begin to blubber. “I mean, there is no “try” … I am focusing on bringing in self-love. I am doing the best I know how, surrendering and trusting, attempting not to think about anything, just feeling and observing.”

My whole attempt to share is filled with choked-back emotion. My heart is pure. I really understand that my goal is to bring in self-love for where I am right now. I know that no one else can give me what I need. I am humble and emotionally raw, dropping all pride.

Patient Guidance

“We love you Brenda,” Keith glows at me.

A few other people immediately join in, nodding their heads and glowing at me as I attempt to make eye contact with them, and with Keith. I am struggling not to sob.

I am shocked by this unexpected show of pure compassion. I feel Keith’s words, and those of others, as being genuine and deep – profoundly acknowledging my suffering with patience, and understanding.

Keith and I talk for a minute. I feel deeply validated. The energy today is totally different. I know this is my manifestation, but I feel as if I must now be on a different planet based on my experiences of yesterday. Prior to the ceremony I had set an inner intention to be lovingly open to help in any form, focusing only on self-love, not expecting anything external, just being in a state of inner trust and expectancy.

“I’m feeling a lot of fear right now,” I mention to Keith.

Keith acknowledges that the fear is real.

“There is a nice flow of fear now leaving you effortlessly,” Keith unexpectedly guides me a minute later.

“I don’t feel it yet,” I respond through tears.

Then I carefully choose a positive way to share my words – words that do not create the opposite of what I say.

“I am still working on opening sensitivities, but am deeply grateful for your feedback, acknowledgment, and validation,” I respond with deep gratitude.

For a while, Keith patiently guides me through this loving energy process, helping me trust what I feel as I continue to experience the fear surfacing and then leaving.

Background Story Energies

As Keith moves on to work with others, I feel profound love from both Keith and the whole group. I return to focusing on self-love while cycling in and out of tears as I listen to the processes of others. I remain deeply emotional, but I am experiencing genuine heart-based love for myself.

I soon imagine myself standing in front of a mirror, repeatedly saying things like, “I love you … I am so proud of your amazing courage … of the journey you are on … of your genuine and profoundly loving heart … of your determination to continue healing … of your service to others … of your gratitude … of your compassion and desire to assist others in healing … of your commitment to heal yourself first.”

Finally, Steven unexpectedly tickles my feet and turns to stare in my eyes. It takes me a minute to even allow myself to look up or make eye contact, but I am soon staring back at him.

At first, I just stare numbly, remaining deeply lodged in my story, still struggling to find any relief from the incessant anger, hurt, sadness, and lack-of-joy that continue to be non-stop background energies in my life. I know these energies are based on childhood stories, but no matter what, the energies remain. I have been unsuccessful in letting these energies go … so rather than beat myself up, I love myself for this fact, filling myself with self-love and with an intention to let them go.

Energetic Recognition

A few minutes later Steven leans forward.

“Let go of the story,” he whispers.

I resist at first, now knowing “how” to let go of a story, but I am determined to stay out of my head. I continue to stare into Steven’s eyes, focusing on relaxing completely while allowing energy to flow without thought or expectation … not knowing, not assuming, just observing.

Gradually, I begin to feel a light tickle of energy in the top of my head, moving downward through my crown. Intuitively, I somehow know that this energy will help release pain and bring in joy. The process is extremely slow and gentle, not pushing against the inner resistance in me, allowing me to move at my own pace, gradually letting go.

Increasingly the energy comes in, very gently and mildly. In fact, it is so gentle and mild, that if I were not focused and fully present in this process, I would likely ignore the energy completely, probably not even feeling it. Over time, I begin to recognize this energy as doing something quite similar to what happened when overwhelming suicidal feelings had been transmuted in my body, last July 1, 2012.

Still, the sadness holds on, refusing to be joyful, even though Steven occasionally tickles me a couple of times by grabbing Bobby bear and playfully pushing him into my belly. Each time, I smile and briefly laugh, but then return to seriousness. I cannot seem to maintain a giggle or smile.

Profound Parallels

Soon, Steven gets up and moves, sitting directly in front of me. I am not keeping track, but it feels as if we maintain locked eyes for most of the next hour.

Gradually, I feel the energy make gentle headway in transmuting the story. Ever so slowly, the sadness dissolves and begins to be replaced by lightness, and then by glimmers of joy. Little by little, the glimmers begin to form a glow in my eyes. Then the corners of my lips begin to curl slightly upward. Finally, I feel mostly joyful inside, but some remaining heaviness lingers, showing me the contrast. But to my delight, the joy mostly dominates.

“Wow,” I ponder with magical delight. “This is exactly how those suicidal thoughts dissolved in Keith’s kitchen last summer.”

This is the most profound experience of transmutation that I have had in nine months – deeply reinforcing in my mind exactly what is possible when allowing Higher Energies to work with me.

A Meaningless Story

Steven and I whisper for a while, discussing what has happened, and continues to happen inside of me.

I am amazed as I realize that “the story” has left. I no longer feel identified by anything from my past. At least for now, the story of my life is silly and meaningless. I clearly experience myself as a divine being who has merely been playing a role on a stage, or in a holodeck. It is literally as if I was a method actress – one who got so lost in the real-life role that I forgot who I really am.

I realize that little by little I have been releasing the emotions behind the role, behind the stories of that role, and have been returning to the realization that I am the actress – that I am a divine being who was lost in the role, but I am NOT the role itself. In this moment, this fact has never been more clear. This is not a mental understanding. This is a profound experience – yet one that seems totally ordinary.

While whispering to Steven, I mention an “A Course In Miracles” quote that I used to understand at a mental level, but now, for the first time in my life, I understand it in my heart.

“I am not a body, I am free, for I am still as God created me,” I share the words with Steven. These are words that are heavily repeated in the latter portions of the ACIM workbook lessons. I finally get it at a whole new level. I am here occupying this body, but this body is NOT who I am. I am not “thinking” this … I am “knowing” this.

Whatever just happened with the magical energies, I am somehow more awake right now, being totally aware of the absolute absurdity of identifying with the story and the emotions of the role … knowing for the first time ever that the light can transmute identification with the story … or perhaps the story itself. I do now know which it is. I do not need to know. I only know that, right now, in this instant, the story is not active. In fact, it seems quite meaningless. I find it hard to believe that the story will ever return.

Worth The Wait

Steven soon follows guidance to disconnect, and I close my eyes, sitting in newfound joy. Gradually, over time, more of a smile and giggle form on my face. What little heaviness had remained earlier now seems to be totally gone.

When Keith finishes working with someone across the porch, he turns to face me.

“How are you doing now?” Keith glows with a knowing grin.

“I am doing horribly,” I respond with a teasing, joyful giggle. “Wow, what an amazing shift. It reminds me of what happened last summer, taking me from one hopeless suicidal extreme to the other.”

As I glance around the porch right now, staring into the eyes of others who glow back at me, I literally see everyone here as divine beings who are also simply lost in an acting role, forgetting their true nature. But in this moment, I perceive them as divine and unconditionally loveable. In fact, it is extremely easy to love them.

“We have been waiting for two and a half years for Brenda to reach this place,” Keith tells other on the porch as he grins at me.

Avoided Drama

Keith and I engage in magical conversation for nearly a half hour as the rest of the porch watches on. I giggle frequently as we talk about the amazing shift that has taken place since yesterday. It is a huge validation for me and what I am currently feeling.

After Keith moves on, Steven tells me that yesterday, in my darkest hour, he knew it was not time to help me, but today, he was strongly guided to sit and stare into my eyes. I am so deeply grateful for inspired friends.

At one point, I begin to feel deep pains in my solar plexus, but rather than judge myself for hurting, I go inside to sit with the pain … to see what is up. Immediately I get the intuitive feeling that this is not even my pain – that I am reading it from somewhere else. I glance up and giggle when I notice that Keith is assisting a young man across the porch – helping him release agonizing density from his abdomen. As I observe this and relax, the pain in my belly immediately vanishes.

I giggle as I realize that, just yesterday, such an experience might have taken me to the depths of self-judgment, pushing me into another drama loop.

Unfathomable Possibilities

As Keith continues to work with others, he repeatedly turns to praise me as being the magical being that I am. In this moment, I really feel the magic.

In one such moment, Keith tells me that I will likely go back to the story, doing so repeatedly, and that each time I will learn more of what I need to learn.

“No I won’t,” I giggle back, feeling determined to prove Keith wrong. But I also recognize the likely possibility. I am so clear right now that I find it difficult to fathom how I could be in any other state. The thought of losing this clarity is not one I wish to entertain. But I clearly understand that even if the story does return, that it will never again be quite the same.

Overwhelming Distractions

When Keith again moves on, I glance around the porch, picking up on many distractions that would have once driven me crazy. In this moment, I see it all as acting and entertainment, as an external movie testing my resolve to disengage from this story-based reality.

As I observe some of the crazy distractions taking place, I find it mind-boggling. But with giggles on my face, I remain unattached to the story in any way. I am above the judgment and the story, still seeing everyone here as actors playing a humorous role – all as an opportunity to see how (or if) I will react. For most of the next hour, the level of distraction is increasingly overwhelming and intense. Four separate and very loud side-conversations are taking place, drowning out my ability to hear Keith. A few others are playing with and talking about essential oils and crystals.

“Welcome,” Keith grins at me as I finally stand up and move to the corner where he is working.

My only interest is to disengage from the other situations and to hear more of what Keith is saying. I tell him the stories were trying to distract and engage me again, but I am not going there. Keith congratulates me for how I handled the distractions.

Congratulations Galore

After a while, a friend asks Keith to engage in a group meditation.

“Yes, Please,” I lovingly express agreement. “Can we please rejoin the group energy?”

Keith soon agrees, and the meditation is a beautiful experience for all who remain. I am experiencing magical energy tingling and shifting in nearly all my chakras, with an especially beautiful and radiant energy vibrating in my heart.

As the ceremony concludes, there is a huge round of hugging, as several of my friends are preparing to leave San Marcos. One friend, who hasn’t hugged me in nearly two months, approaches and gives me a huge, genuine hug, giggling and thanking me for being so emotionally real today.

“Congratulations … congratulations … congratulations,” Keith tells me when I hug him. “And thank you for being here. You know you were holding a really high vibration space during most of the ceremony.”

We again talk briefly, discussing the possibility of me not maintaining this new “lack-of-story” focus – but that each time I will grow more, and I will never again see stories quite the same.

A Wild Ride

As I arrive home, I quickly type up a few notes before Linda returns. Seconds later, I hear music playing and we eagerly follow an Easter procession around various parts of San Marcos, engaging in a little cultural flare on her last evening at Lake Atitlan. After a delightful pizza, we set the alarm for 6:00 a.m., so that we can make sure she gets on her Antigua shuttle tomorrow morning.

“Wow, that went fast,” I ponder my friend’s beautiful visit.

The visit did not go exactly as expected … it was more beautiful than ever. I am grateful that her presence was a guiding factor in me exploring the God drama, exploring stories, and exploring social fears. We remain friends, and I love the fact that she can have her truth and I can have mine.

It has been a wild roller-coaster ride this week, beginning on Sunday with a beautiful meditation where I made a conscious choice to embrace the light shadow, ignoring the “blinders” that were trying to derail that decision. With my friend here, I went on a journey to the bottom, to a point of questioning for the umpteenth time whether I really belong in San Marcos at all – throwing a huge and very familiar inner temper tantrum taking me right back to a frequent childhood battle with my mother.

After hitting the bottom, there was nowhere to go but up. With humility and a desire for self-love in my heart, I rode an unimaginable wave that literally dissolved the stories, leaving me in a state of ordinary magic – a state of profoundly understanding the absurdity of thinking that this body is me.

Stranger Than Fiction

As I ponder the absurdity of stories, it occurs to me that I can indeed continue to tell stories. But from now on, they are just fiction, mere stage plays, stories of a lost mind. In the eyes of Brenda, the method actress, these stories are true and real, but from the eyes of the divine, they are simply an experience, no different than a ride down a frightening waterslide.

Saturday morning, after working out a few tricky details, I help Linda get on an alternate shuttle, and she speeds off into the distance for her journey back home. I then quickly return to my apartment to check my emails and do a little meditating. I am eager to prepare for a long day of writing.

I cannot help but reminisce how Keith told me yesterday that he had waited two and a half years for me to reach this place. Giggles fill my heart as I realize that the stories have still not returned, at least for now. In this moment, I really do see through a new perspective, one beautifully described in this new email quote from Rasha, “A Moment Of Oneness #128” – a quote that just happened to show up in my inbox this morning:

“The key to transcending conditions, in which you perceive the evidence of limitation, is not to dwell upon the essence of that limitation, but rather, to dwell, utterly and completely, in a perception of how you would like to have it be. Thus, regardless of the nature of the condition in question, were you to see yourself in circumstances devoid of that condition, you would have initiated the process that would lead, energetically, to that very reality.

Were you instead to dwell, in a state of dread, upon how much you do not wish to be in a certain condition, you succeed in reinforcing the vibrational building blocks for the continuation of those circumstances. For, in stating to yourself what your physical senses have shown you to be your reality, you serve to reinforce the energetic grid that magnetizes that category of experience.”

It occurs to me that my life stories are exactly that … an energetic grid that magnetizes the same category of experience.

As I finish a long day of writing and publishing “Prodigiously Profound Power Parallels,” I giggle at how easy the writing flows, and how, even now, the stories seem so silly and absurd. Time will prove that I am not yet done with such stories, but for now, I continue to revel in this beautiful and magical experience.

… to be continued …

Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved